Bleeding Hearts

Sunset Blvd

Rating: NC17
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 5
Published: 16/05/2005
Last Updated: 07/01/2008
Status: in_progress

Something happened in sixth year to change Lily and James' "relationship." Now in seventh year, will they be able to sort out their differences before its too late? R-rated for a reason

Chapters

1. This Broken Heart

2. Harder to Breathe

3. Desease

4. Nothing to Lose

5. Cry

6. Life on Standby

7. Everybody Hurts

1. This Broken Heart

This Broken Heart

This Broken Heart is performed by Something Corporate if you're interested in reading the lyrics as they are kind of like a summary of the chapter. The same goes for the rest of the chapters

00oo00oo00

He looked at her from across the room, a fire of contempt burning through his eyes at the way she was acting, despite the fact that he was doing exactly the same thing. But it didn’t matter, she shouldn’t be acting like she was, like she has been for the past six months. It just wasn’t fair, on him. It was painful. He couldn’t believe that what they had had last year had meant nothing to her. That she didn’t remember or at least that's how it had appeared to him.

How could she? How dare she forget what they had. How could she just move on to someone else after he told her what he did? How dare she look so goddamn beautiful standing next to that prick? He just wished he could just walk up to them and break his face

Subconsciously he balled his hand into a fist and let out a small growl of annoyance. Would it have been hurting him so much if nothing had happened between them last year? Doubtful. She never did seem to understand the magnitude of what he felt for her and perhaps that is what her problem was, both of their problems.

"What's wrong Jamie?" a voice purred in his ear, slowly followed by something moist, her tongue. He tried not to flinch as he looked at the blonde on his lap. Refusing to answer he dipped down his head and captured her mouth with hers to make her stop talking

Good thing it was dark, he thought, as he pushed his hand up her top while his tongue was entering her mouth. She moaned and she drove one of her hands at the back of his head to pull him closer, as her other hand was pulling his shirt from his trousers. He slowly massaged the small of her back before raising his hand further up to capture her breast. At contact she arched her back to him, as his hands were cold. He groaned in returned as she applied more pressure on his lap and he could instantly feel her smile against him as she began moving her hand further down

Before things began getting more intimate they were interrupted

"James?" a melodic voice floated towards them. His head snapped toward the intruder and closed his eyes for a second in order to keep the turmoil inside him at bay.

"Evans?" he mocked with a scowl as he drove one of his hands through his hair, never taking his eyes off hers

"Rachel" she added in a low voice, moving her head semi-acknowledging the blonde. He smirked satisfied, finally pulling his remaining hand from her shirt

"Lily" Rachel growled, not really liking her interrupting her make out session with James. Lily didn’t notice, as she had turned her gaze to James once more.

"James, we have to go open the dance floor" she told him. He stared at her blankly

"What?" he asked dumbfound, still staring. She raised an eyebrow at his stupidity

"We have to dance the first dance in order to start the ball" she muttered exasperatedly. She didn’t really want to but she had to

"Why" he asked in a childish voice. She smiled and he shot her a glare

"Because you're Head Boy" she replied, her temper beginning to rise. Why was he acting like this?

James bent his head low and cursed. He really didn’t want to dance with this creature, not after what had happened between them only last year. But he knew he had an obligation to do so due to his position, which drove him crazy. Why had he been named Head Boy? Just another twist of fate presumably, or maybe someone was having a very cruel laugh about it somewhere. He had thought many times actually, to go and resign, but he knew he couldn’t.

Shaking his head, he stood up abruptly, causing Rachel to fall to the ground. She whined loudly but James merely looked at her and muttered an apology and left without a backward glance. Lily rolled her eyes at the blonde and turned around to go after James

She had found him in the middle of the dance floor waiting for her with a look of great distaste plastered on his face. There was something about him, something different, that she couldn’t place, and it made her worry in the back of her mind, but she had dismissed it as typical James behavior. This is how he had been acting towards her since last year

"Right, so lets get this over and done with shall we?" he grumbled as he took one of her hands and put his other hand around her waist. Her other hand went around his shoulder as the music around them began to play

It was a soft melodic song that brought back memories to both of them; memories of pain, ecstasy, want and angst. He subconsciously held her tighter

"You in a hurry to get away from me James?" she asked jokingly, a smile forming on her lips. He stared at her intently for a few seconds

"Yes" he answered, making her stop smiling. No matter whether or not she would ever admit it, that had hurt. She looked over his shoulder with a scowl on her face

"To go to your little slut?" she bit back. He had almost smiled at her jealousy. But there was no reason for it. He didn’t want it anymore. He didn’t want anything that she had to give him

"No" he stated. She looked at him and he looked forward, over her head. "I want to leave" he added

A bit more into the song they had settled in an uncomfortable silence, looking in front of them and not at each other. Couples had begun coming into the dance circle and began dancing around them

"So, how's Derek?" he asked her in a bored tone. He was referring to her boyfriend of six months. Her head snapped up to him

"James" she warned

"Oh, come on Evans, you cant tell me I cant ask can you? After what happened-" but he was cut off

"James!" she exclaimed, looking around wildly in case anyone had heard

"Still scared, aren't you Lily?" he muttered with a smirk

"I am not! You have no right to mention it. Especially in public. Who the hell do you think you are?" she snapped at him. Fire blazed in his eyes again as she spoke

"I'll tell you who I am Evans" he growled as he leaned towards her. "I'm the one that you shagged for the majority of last year. I'm the one that wanted you more than life itself. I'm the only one that can ever fulfil you" he traced his hand across her cheek, "I'm the one that loved you." He traced his hand down her arm, as they had stopped moving and just stood there, facing each other

"James" she whimpered

"I'm the one you broke in half" he finally whispered against her ear. Her eyes snapped open (when had she closed them?) and she stared into his eyes

"James I-" she began. His eyes lit with fire, stopping her

"Don’t you even think of saying you're sorry. You might have been my first, but you sure as hell wont be my last" he snapped just as the song had finished. Without another word or another glance, he turned his heel and stormed out of the Hall

Lily was left breathing heavily in the middle of the dance floor as, couples continued dancing around her. Her closeness with James had brought back what had happened last year. Her throat was dry and she felt the need to drink something very strong. Hoping that Sirius had spiked the punch, she made her way towards the food and beverages' table

"Hi sweetie" she heard her boyfriend greet her as she arrived. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she turned to him

"Hey" she said in a dull voice

"Are you ok?" he asked her worriedly looking her up and down. He put an arm around her waist and tried to guide her to their table. Instead she swatted his hand away

"I want to get some punch first" she told him. He gave her a look and put his arm around her again

"No good. Black's already spiked it" he tried to lead her away. She swatted him away, this time he raised an eyebrow at her

"Very good. Exactly what I need" she told him. He looked surprised but she didn’t give him any explanation. "Now go back to our table and I'll be right there" she added. Apprehensively he turned back to the table, and Lily made her way to the punch

She allowed herself to roll her eyes at her boyfriend's inability to trust her with walking alone from one side of the Hall to the other. It was sweet, at the beginning at least, then it just got boring and just plain unnecessary. She had been thinking like that for some time now. She didn’t feel the need to be with him anymore, and she wondered at how she might be able to break it off

As she finally found herself at her boyfriend's table she struggled to find what was right with him. He appeared to be smart, and he was, but that was about it. He never talked about anything but books. On another note, he didn’t turn her on much at night. Well not like James used to anyway

James

As the talk of the table turned to books, as it undeniably would have, as the majority was Ravenclaws, she sat back, enjoying her spiked punch and thoughts of what James might be doing at this moment

00oo00oo00

James had similar thoughts as he stood on the Astronomy Tower, smoking a muggle cigarette and watching the night sky; the magnitude of it and its secrets always mesmerized him. It was the only place he could be himself, he came to realize as he took another drag from the cigarette. He breathed in the drug and allowed it to burn his chest pleasantly before blowing out the smoke

He approached the edge and looked down. He extinguished the cigarette and threw the bud down the frame of the castle, watching it fall to the ground. He remained a few more seconds before shaking his head, which was filled with a redheaded beauty that destroyed his life, he turned around and went inside

00oo00oo00

A/N hope you all liked the beginning to this. I had it on Fanfiction but they took it off. Anyway enjoy and don’t forget to review J

2. Harder to Breathe

Harder To Breathe

Sung by Maroon 5

00oo00oo00

Lily stumbled through the Head's rooms a few hours before the party was even supposed to finish, but she didn’t regret it one bit. Derek was beginning to get very boring for her. He did nothing to satisfy any of her real needs and it was beginning to get aggravating. Sure he tried but she had to face it, it wasn’t working. Derek was a pleasant guy to hang around with when she needed someone to talk to and study with, but if you needed to be relieved sexually, you had better do it yourself rather than wait for him to do it right.

True she didn’t have many people to compare him with, she thought as she put on her pajamas. But she was experienced enough to know when it didn’t work, and although he wasn’t a bad snog, he wasn’t that good of a shag, she admitted to herself bitterly as she began making her way to the bathroom. Then again she shouldn’t be comparing him to the other person she had gone with. After all it was James Potter, and he was her first, and although a virgin when he went with her, he knew what he was to do to please her.

She stopped dead in her tracks as she saw a very wet James Potter standing with nothing but a towel wrapped around him watching her, a sly grin appearing on his lips.

"Stalking me now, Evans?" he asked her cockily, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Lily had to swallow as she began losing control of her hormones as she watched multiple water droplets make their way down his body, so very slowly.

"You wish," she whispered, trying to hide her arousal at his sight. She quickly turned to the sink, and began brushing her teeth, very fast, her eyes reflecting on his retreating back from the mirror. As he walked out the door to his door closing it behind him, she let go of the toothbrush and leaned over the sink, sighing deeply, trying to stop her heart from beating so fast.

How could a man that hated her so much be able to affect her in such a way? How could any man be able to look so angry at her yet turn her on so much at the same time? Then again this man was James Potter, she reasoned. That man could just do anything to her without even realizing it.

She soon regained control and finished cleaning her teeth. When she raised her head again to see her appearance in the mirror she let out a squeal of surprise when she saw the reflection of James standing behind her. She wheeled around, clutching the side of the sink hard and stared at him.

"Don’t do that!" she scowled at him. She was soon distracted by the fact that she had just realized that he was now wearing a pair of black pajama bottoms. Only. She forced her eyes to his as she swallowed, just realizing their close proximity.

"Why?" he smirked at her, understanding her discomfort. That was his plan to begin with anyway. To show that he wanted to intimidate her even more, he took a step closer, leaving perhaps a mere inch between them. He smirked at her widening eyes. Yet she didn’t move.

"Because you scared me to death," she stated. He noticed that her breathing was forced as her eyes were flicking down to his bare chest, now devoid of water. Poor girl, must be deprived, he mocked her in his mind.

"Maybe that’s what I wanted to do," he told her, unable to understand why his breathing was coming out just as labored. Without intention or thought he ducked his head and captured her lips with his own. She gasped by the sudden movement but didn’t do anything to get away.

He moved his lips slowly over hers, as his hands moved slowly down her bare arms, sending shivers down her spine. Her eyes were closed as he slid his tongue across her bottom lip. Just as she was about to open her mouth to his, she felt him grip her arms and picking her up, he moved her away from the sink, where he broke the kiss. With a smile he left her staring at him as he began brushing his own teeth.

"You could have just asked me to move you know," she snapped at his actions, still staring at him. Instead of answering right away, he finished brushing his teeth and looked at her with a grin.

"And where would the fun be in that?" he told her as he turned around and walked out on her once more, leaving her stunned.

"Why does he always do that?" she scoffed out loud.

00oo00oo00

"What the fuck was that?" he asked himself as he closed the door behind him. He kicked his bed and ignored the pain shooting up his foot.

He had been sure he was over her. He was, he reminded himself; it's that she's gorgeous. Yes, that’s what it was. It was lust. He had felt this before. It's what drove him to her in the first place. It's what drove her to him in the first place as well. And he could see it in her eyes she wanted him. But there was no chance he was doing that all over again.

He was right; it is what drove him to her, but he knew what that turned into be, and what it drove him too. He couldn’t afford to go through with all of that again. He was fine with hating her. It was much easier that what he used to feel for her. He would have to stay away from her.

That’s it, he though as he lay in bed, before sleep came over him, he'd just have to stay away from her until it passed.

00oo00oo00

"Damn him!" she muttered as she lay in bed, finding herself unable to sleep. Images of James' wet body flashed in her mind's eye, and she cursed him harder.

Her eyes were focused on the ceiling above her, but she couldn’t help remembering how close she had been to him that night. She could still feel his breath on her neck as he spoke to her during their dance, and she could feel his lips along with his tongue against hers. She grunted and slammed a fist against her covers.

"How could this man do this to me?" she groaned as she felt herself grow hotter by the second. She moved her hand between her legs and she felt her wetness and cursed him once more, but she allowed herself to imagine him above her as she tried to satisfy herself.

Hopefully with this done she'd be able to get some sleep.

00oo00oo00

"Lily!" Emma snapped at her friend once more. She was beginning to find it incredibly annoying on her friend's constant spacing out every few seconds, when she was trying to find out what had happened the night before.

"What?" Lily mumbled her response, glanced again towards the Great Hall doors.

In her mind she had come up with a very good idea. She would wait and see which of the boys would enter first. If Derek entered first she'd break up with him. If James entered first she wouldn’t try to push something to happen between them, although deep inside her she knew that either would be inevitable.

"Are you even paying attention to me?" Emma went on, temper beginning to rise.

"Of course I am," she muttered back, still staring at the doors.

Emma let out a grunt and went back to her food. Lily glanced at her friend and thought about telling her what had happened, but she knew that she wouldn’t understand. She didn’t know about their secret relationship last year, nor what was happening inside her. Although she wasn’t very sure herself about the latter.

Her thoughts were interrupted as noise was heard outside the doors, and she had shifted all her attention towards them. Very soon Sirius Black entered the dinning room, laughing hard. Something inside Lily dropped; that would mean that-

"Lily," Derek said as he slipped in the seat next to her. She glanced at him and was guiltily elated. Shooting one more glance towards the newly arrived James, she turned back, flashes of the night before appearing in her head again, causing her to blush slightly.

"Hey," she greeted as he placed a small kiss on her lips.

She couldn’t help her desire to withdraw from it. This is what it had come down to between them, an act of familiarity. Although she knew that their relationship would eventually come down to this, she wished that it had happened much later, in order to have more passion between them. But then again that was the reason she felt she had to brake up with James. He was unpredictable some of the time and passionate most of the time. This had unsettled her. She didn’t want this spirit to have to be subjected to the scene of familiarity for she knew it would change him. So she broke it off, but he looked devastated, and although it broke her heart she knew she was doing the right thing. To finalize everything between them, she had started dating Derek.

As she stared at James for the remainder of her breakfast, she cursed herself for not choosing someone better. If she had done that, then maybe she wouldn’t feel this incredible desire towards him that she was feeling at the moment.

With a start, she knew her position. James had complete and utter control over her. She knew that it was all up to him on how things were going to turn out. He had kissed her last night with the intensity she remembered that he possessed, but it was only to move her, and she had let him do it. This made her subjective to him and it scared her.

Well I'll just have to stay away from him now; she thought some sort dejectedly. A rub on her thigh made her look up to blue eyes. But first thing's first, she added.

"Derek, we need to talk," she told him. She willed herself not to back down on her decision as she saw Emma's and Derek's eyes widen in surprise.

00oo00oo00

"Hey, Prongs, since when does Lily Evans stare at you?" Sirius asked his friend as he put some more pancakes in his mouth. James glanced up at Lily and saw her looking at him, before turning to her boyfriend to tell him something, he growled for unknown reasons.

"Since last night," he told them and ate a piece of sausages. His friends stared at him, expecting more.

"Care to elaborate, mate?" Remus interjected, unable to hold back his curiosity.

"No, not really," he told them with a smirk. He knew he'd eventually tell them, but this was so much more fun.

"Oh, come on Prongs, you can't tell us that and then just leave it there," Sirius hissed. James rolled his eyes, Sirius, ever the drama queen.

"Ok, ok, fine. She walked in on my while I was coming out from the shower last night," he mumbled, not looking at them.

"What? You better speak up, I think I'm hearing things," Remus replied. James threw him a glare.

"Well that would explain it. Anyone would be traumatized by what they saw," Sirius mocked. He received a glare as well. Yea but Lily of all people should have been used to it, he thought with a smug grin.

"And for what reason may I ask, do you have that ridiculous smirk on your face?" Remus whispered at him, unnoticed by Sirius and Peter, who were talking about the upcoming Quidditch match. James looked at him and grinned even more.

"Not today Moony. Maybe another time, but not today," he told him sincerely as he glance at the end of the table where Lily was sitting before. She had gone now, but he could still feel her, and it unnerved him.

Remus merely stared at his friend with a knowing look and went back to his food.

00oo00oo00

James Love ~> Thank you very much and I'm glad you liked it. the next four chapters or so will be out by next week as they're already written so don’t worry about the update

Anonymous ~> Yea I can understand that and don’t worry when it's true its not mean. I was in such a hurry to put this up cos I'm not supposed to be on that I couldn’t do anything right hehe hope you still keep reading though

BlueJeanMistress ~> Why thank you very much for readng it over then hehe, hope its just as good (not that there's much of a difference)

Hazeleyedmarauder ~> Thanks hope you liked this chapter and continue to read my fic. Yea I know its kind of stupid how they do it, they'll probably lose a few writers but their problem

Hayzydayz ~> Glad you liked it and I hope they are too hehe

Banny ~> why thank you very much J fast enough for you? Hope you like how it goes

Greenevans ~> thanks and you should stick around and see * evil smile *

Kat Black ~> thank you thank you thank you J here's the second chapter and the third one will be out soon

Alex C. Potter ~> Oh God thank you so much for correcting me! I saw it and I was so embarrassed! Thanks for seeing what others didn't and telling me. And I'm really glad you liked my story and you are quite right they are getting very annoying.

Chokita06 ~> why hello again Lulu! Wow you must like this story huh? Don’t get me wrong I love the fact that I have such a faithful reviewer and I hope you remain one till the end

Aliasfreak ~> Thank you I'm glad you liked it and if you thought the first chapter plot was interesting wit to find out what happens later on hehe

Crazzy ~> You fell in love with my story? Wow! That’s the first I hear of that but I'm actually someone loves it hehe. Yup, the first few chapters will be fast but then I have to start writing the continuation that could be a problem but we'll see I already have the next three planned out. Yay for me heh

Anonymous ~> Thanks for the compliments and the next chapters will be out shortly

Mani12191 ~> Well I can arrange something for that but I cant promise that James will be better in the following chapters hehe

A/N That must be the largest amounts of reviews that I've gotten for a single chapter ever! I'm relieved and so happy that you guys liked it as much as you did. I'm really embarrassed about the title thing that was spelled wrong and I apologize from the bottom of my heart that it didn’t put you off that much. Well hope you liked this chapter as well as the rest that is on the way

3. Desease

Disease

Matchbox 20 ~ Disease

00oo00oo00

Lily was finding it very difficult to concentrate in class the next few days. So much that it got her into trouble. Although the incident had occurred a few nights earlier, she couldn’t get the image of a wet James out of her mind. Every time the image would appear, she couldn’t help but wish she was one of the drops of water flowing down his body on the towel around his waist, then move further down his body. She knew he would have liked it; he loved anything to do with water.

She sighed. She had been doing that for quite some time now, but she couldn't help but do so. She had stopped trying to stop the images from appearing in her mind's eyes, for two reasons; she had tried and she had failed. Other than that, he was just too gorgeous not to look at. She shook her head once more, trying to concentrate on the transfiguration lesson at hand.

Mental images of a very wet James Potter were not something to be taken lightly when you were in the company of many, let alone in class with Professor McGonagall as your teacher.

Yet within seconds she allowed herself to retire from Professor McGonagall's lecture about shapeshifters, by letting her head drop to the back to stare at the ceiling. This time she thought of Derek and she felt a slight tingle of guilt at her actions that day. She knew she had to do what she did. She couldn’t be lusting after someone else when she had a boyfriend. Now that she didn’t have one she could wallow in her self pity.

She had no one now. No boyfriend, and no James. She had regretted doing it the very same night when she couldn’t sleep again. Images of James invaded her mind every second of the day, and, frankly, it was driving her crazy. She smiled mirthlessly, sweet misery. How could that man be so dark and yet be able to affect her so much, she thought as she began breathing hard

Because he was your first, a little voice said inside her head

Shut up, she countered

But it's true. And you know you love the fact that you were his first

Shut up

And you know he was right at Halloween Ball

"Shut up" she repeated, not realizing that she actually said it out loud. Silence followed and eyes all over the room watched her closely

"Excuse me Miss Evans?" Professor McGonagall asked, raising both an eyebrow as well as her voice. Everyone looked between the two repeatedly, waiting for a move. Only one person had their eyes on her the entire time, and she begged her own not to look at him, as she knew that she would end up paying dearly

"Miss Evans, did you or did you not tell me to shut up?" she asked with fake politeness, her eyes boring into Lily's. Lily remained silent; wishing the ground would swallow her right there and then. Nothing happened. The Professor sighed angrily

"Detention Miss Evans, for impudence and not paying attention in my lesson" she told her. Lily was about to speak, but the professor had already turned around. Lily couldn't help but wonder why Professor McGonagall had sneaked a glance in James Potter's direction as she did so, though she had a feeling that deep down inside she didn’t want to know the answer to that

Everything was forgotten when she did what she had ordered herself not to do. She glanced at him. Immediately she knew she had done something wrong. His eyes sank into hers and she could feel heat rising up inside her. She wanted to look away, but she couldn’t pull her eyes from the dark hazel coloured ones that were looking at her.

She could see the smirk playing on his lips but there was something in his eyes. Something that made her forget reason and thought. Something that made her anticipate his next move. Something that made her excited and worried at the same time

"Lily" Emma hissed at her, the same time that Sirius hissed at James. She saw James' eyes flash with annoyance and she smiled inside. She was affecting him. She turned to Emma who was staring at her expectantly

"What?" she asked finally, as neither of them spoke

"What was that?" she asked in a strangled whisper, still staring at her

"What was what?" Lily asked stupidly. She knew what Emma meant, but unfortunately she didn’t know what it was either

"Not paying attention in class? Staring at Potter? That, Evans, what was that" she said throwing her sight in James' direction so Lily understands. Lily almost rolled her eyes at her friend's irritability. It was expected of course. She just wished wasn't so obvious about it

"Nothing. I just didn’t sleep very well last night," she half lied. Well she didn't; who would with James' body tormenting their mind? Let anyone who can come forth and I will shake their hand, she mentally asked

"And what about the staring?" Emma insisted

"I wasn’t staring," Lily tried to fib. Emma raised an eyebrow. "I swear"

"Whatever Lily. When you decide to tell me what's really going on, you know where to find me" Emma said finally, just as the bell rang. She gathered her things up fast and went out the door.

Just as Lily was doing the same, she heard the words she hoped she wouldn’t have to hear since last year.

"Miss Evans, Mr. Potter please stay behind in order to discuss your detentions," Professor McGonagall said as she looked down at her notes.

James, almost at the door, cursed and turned to her with a fake smile.

"Of course, Professor," he spoke through his teeth. Lily had to do a double take in his direction. When did he manage to get into detention? McGonagall must have seen the perplexed look that Lily had because she answered her unasked question.

"Yes Miss Evans, you will be having detention with Mr. Potter. Apparently my lesson isn't as interesting as whatever is going on in your own little world for both of my Head students to be daydreaming in my class," she huffed. It was unheard of; two students being caught distracted in her class in the same lesson. And both the Head students no less. She huffed again and looked up.

"I must say that I am very disappointed in both of you. Not only are you seventh years, and both Gryffindors, but you are the Head students of this school and you are the first that are looked up upon by the younger students. I hate to do this but you must learn what you've done was wrong" she told them.

"And what will we be doing?" Lily asked, wanting to get away from her closeness with James. She hadn't been this close to him since that time and she couldn’t handle any more as it was.

"You shall clean the Trophy Room. Merlin knows it needs dusting" she bantered on. She then waved her hand for them to leave. Lily and James turned around and without another glance at each other they moved toward the door. When they got out of the door, they went their separate ways as they had different classes to attend to, glad to finally be out of each other's company.

James cursed loudly when he was sure he was alone. Why had he been thinking of her again? Hadn't he decided that he wouldn’t go anywhere near her ever again?

Easier said than done, his subconscious told him

Shut up.

What? You know I'm right. No matter how much you try Jamesie, she'll always haunt you.

Shut up.

I will as soon as you tell me I'm wrong.

You're wrong.

But do you really believe that?

That was something that he found himself unable to answer, so he stayed quiet as he continued slowly through the corridors of the castle.

Thought so.

Silence followed and he knew he had lost the battle with his mind; he couldn't help but curse once more. The thought of her still haunted him, no matter how much he hated to admit it to himself.

As he turned around a corner, he found Sirius leaning against a wall smoking. James shook his head to himself, ridding him of any thought of her, and walked over to his friend who appeared to be in his own world. He leaned against the wall next to him and pulled the cigarette from his mouth. That seemed to shake Sirius from his reverie.

"Hey!" he protested

"What have I told you about smoking in the corridors?" James said lazily as he took a drag from the cigarette before extinguishing it on the wall.

"You do it all the time" Sirius whined, and pushed himself off the wall. James did the same and smirked at his friend.

"Yea, but I never get caught," he retaliated with a wink as they began moving toward their History of Magic lesson. Sirius merely scoffed and they remained silent for a while.

"James?" Sirius broke the silence. The raven-haired boy turned to his friend and quirked an eyebrow.

"Sirius?" he imitated, but his friend just rolled his eyes.

"What's going on with you and Evans?" he blurted out. This time it was James' turn to roll his eyes. Sirius was never the one to beat around the bush.

"Nothing. I told you already" he said, not quite believing himself either. His step slowed down and Sirius followed

"Liar. You told me you'd tell me later" he went on. James mentally hit himself. Why did he promise to tell him? He knew he couldn’t not do it now! Then he smirked to himself, if he couldn’t hide this from his best friend, then he could at least stall until they got to class.

"That was to get rid of you," he told him through gritted teeth, but he still seemed unable to pick up his pace.

"No it wasn’t.. Well maybe it was but I still know that there's something," Sirius pressed, wanting to know the truth. He hated it when people hid things from him, especially his best friend.

"There isn't. I swear!" he persisted. Why weren't his legs moving faster? Suddenly James was pushed against the stone wall and he was brought face to face with a very agitated Sirius. He gulped.

"James, I've been your best friend for much longer than that. I know you better than I know myself and I know that there's something that's on your mind. That something might be bad but it might be good, but its still something that you've been thinking of too much. Now stop stalling and tell me what happened before I force it out of you," he growled.

James gulped. This is when he saw the similarity of Sirius and his family and he remembered with a jerk why he never made him angry; as he knew there would be hell to pay for after that. Feeling some of his own temper rising he pushed Sirius' hands away from his collar, and sunk to the ground, mumbling something under his breath.

"What?" Sirius asked bewildered, sliding down next to him. James sighed in defeat and began talking to him in a louder voice.

"I.. slept with Lily" he admitted finally. A few seconds of silence before Sirius broke into fits of laughter on the floor. James stared at him in disbelief and scoffed. A few minutes later, Sirius, finally realizing that his friend was not laughing with him, stopped laughing and went back to staring at him.

"I'm glad you found it amusing," he said through clenched teeth, and began to get up, but Sirius held him down.

"You meant that you were serious?" he asked sobering up at the look he was receiving. James just grabbed his arm from Sirius' grip and crossing them both over his chest. Sirius gasped in surprise.

"When?" he asked in disbelief. James almost smiled; no one could catch Sirius off guard, but when they did, it was priceless.

"Most of last year," he said instead, closing his eyes and leaned his head against the wall behind him, enjoying the sense of freedom of this burden.

"And you tell me now?" he asked enraged. James was about to tell him that no one knew but him and Lily when suddenly he saw his eyes grow three times their normal size. Sighing, he realized that Sirius had registered something else that would be inevitable for anyone to figure out.

"You mean that she was your…" he pointed at James, who still had his eyes closed, but was now lighting another cigarette. Remembering Lily always brought out that urge.

"Yes she was my.." James interrupted, but Sirius didn’t stop. James took in a large puff.

"And you were her…." he asked, unable to finish the sentence.

"Yes, I was her.." James replied almost lazily, not bothering to open his eyes just yet, letting the smoke out.

"Wow," was all he could say as he snatched the cigarette from James' mouth and took in the smoke. Aggravated, James got it back with a growl.

"And what happened? I mean things seemed pretty intense from where I was sitting," he asked, curiosity running through him. Although he was happy for his friend getting the girl he wanted, he knew that there was something missing. Why weren't they together now? And did it anything to do with James…?

"Nothing really. I asked her if she'd like to do what we were doing as a couple, she said no and broke it off, and a few days later she went out with Derek," he spat shutting his eyes even tighter, taking another, big, drag from the cigarette.

Sirius flinched at the tone of his voice. Bitch he thought, then that was probably the reason then, he realized. Six months ago was when Lily and Derek began going out, and that was about the time when they found that James tried something he shouldn’t have.

"Is that why you…?" he asked in a softer tone. James just nodded, refusing to look at him.

"Right," was all he could master. There was nothing else that could be said. He hated Lily for what she did to him, but there was something inside him telling him that this story was far from over, yet for good or bad, that was to be seen.

"We missed class," James stated the obvious a while later, as he took in a final take of his cigarette. Sirius turned and saw a small smile on his lips and he found himself unable to hold back a chuckle.

"Thank you Captain Obvious" he replied, but neither made a move to get up.

"Ah, whatever, he wouldn't even notice if we were there, let alone gone," he added. And so they remained, sitting on the cold floor, in their own world until lunch.

00oo00oo00

"Lily!" Emma hissed at her friend who was pretending to write. Her resolve of letting her come to her about what was going on, broke the moment she saw the blush on Lily's cheeks the instant she parted with James.

"Emma, please just drop it" Lily begged from the corner of her mouth, as she went on writing.

"No! You just broke up with Derek and now you're sneaking peeks at Potter, and blushing the moment you are alone with him. What's going on!" she pushed. Lily rolled her eyes as she decided to give a piece of the answer.

"I saw him in the shower a few days, and I just remembered it. It was very awkward," she whispered.

"And why were you staring at him in class then?" Emma went on. She didn’t believe her and Lily knew that.

"Em, if you don’t want me to lie to you please don’t ask me any questions. I'll tell you when I'm ready ok?" Lily told her in an exasperated tone.

Emma observed her friend from another point of view at that moment. Lily Evans was never what you would call blunt, but that was exactly what she was now. She must be really stressed. At this she nodded and turned to her notes, but her mind couldn't stop forming her own ideas of what was happening.

00oo00oo00

Later that night, right after dinner, Lily and James made their separate ways to their detention. When they met at the entrance of the Trophy Room, they waited in silence for Professor McGonagall to arrive. They both found themselves lucky as she came five minutes later.

"Mr. Potter, Miss Evans," she greeted, "you must clean as many trophies as you are able to by the end of the hour. You will not use magic so I would like you to hand over your wands. They will be returned to you tomorrow morning at breakfast," she ended as she extended both her hands out in order to receive the two wands. Lily gave hers but James didn’t. McGonagall raised an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry Professor but I thought that's what you would do so I just left it in my dorm to begin with," he grinned at her charmingly. The aging professor surveyed him for a few seconds before shaking her head.

"Very well Mr. Potter," she told him as she turned to face both of them. "You may go when the hour is over. Unfortunately, I won't be able to supervise so you will be on your own. I'm taking a large leap of faith in trusting you to not leave before you are assigned to do so. Please show me that my trust is justified," she added and with nods from both Head students she turned her heal and left.

The two students now faced the Trophy room in utter horror. The last time this room had been cleaned was last year, and both of them would know; they had cleaned it, together.

Silently they moved towards the first trophies that they would be cleaning. James looked at Lily and sighed.

Man she looks beautifu.l

Shut up, where the hell did that come from?

But she is, there's no use in denying it.

Yes there is! Fuck off!

Come on James, she's got a lot of things going for her.

Oh, for Merlin's sake!!!

She's gorgeous.

Shut up!

She's smart.

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

She can turn you on faster than any woman alive.

Shut the hell up!!

And she's amazing in bed.

"Oh, fuck this!" he muttered loudly as he was scrubbing one of the trophies as if it had never been cleaned.

Lily turned to him in confusion. When she saw that he was talking to himself, she smirked at him before hitting him over the head with her cleaning cloth. In turn he snapped out of his dream state and stared at her in disbelief, and fro a moment they stood there as they let the world around them move as they remained still. When the moment was gone, James made a move to hit her back. And so started a long tug of war between the two with their cloths.

They forgot their past, their problems. James forgot his "hate" for her, and Lily forgot her "hesitation" toward him. They acted how they did the year before, when they were together. And they had both loved it and hated it at the same time

00oo00oo00

When they had decided that they should in fact go back to their detention, they realized that they had done nothing for longer than half an hour. Although they knew that there wouldn't be checked on when the hour was over, McGonagall would know whether they did anything.

With fifteen minutes to work on, they went back to work, and James found himself unable to concentrate on anything but Lily. He tried to but he really couldn’t. He wanted her, but he didn’t want to.

"So, how's Derek?" he asked a few minutes later. He saw her flinch at his words, and he almost felt bad. Almost.

"I don’t know," she mumbled back. James couldn't do anything but stare.

"You mean you don’t know how your own bloody boyfriend is Evans?" he asked with spite. He wanted to forget their last hour together. It was something that he needed to disregard

"He's not my bloody boyfriend, so you can shut up now!" she almost shouted back, throwing her cloth on the floor and turning to face him. If she hadn't been so upset she would have laughed at the expression on his face.

"What do you mean he's not your -" he began but was cut short by Lily.

"I mean we broke up ok? I broke up with him three days ago," she went on, her temper rising. James knew what he was doing though, and this is exactly what he wanted.

"Breaking hearts again Evans? And here I thought that was just special treatment for me," he growled at her. His mind kept flashing Dangerous Territory but either he didn't realize it or he didn’t want to. He wanted to make her hurt.

Lily refused to answer his question and bent down to pick up her cloth so she could clean the trophy she was cleaning before. Eight minutes remaining, she thought and sighed deeply.

"Why did you decide to put another one on your record Evans?" he went on, trying to anger her even more. But he was surprised when she turned around with a determination her eyes.

"You really want to know why James?" she asked him as she advanced. She had only been like this once before and he didn’t like it in the present situation. He knew it would lead to something bad.

"Well do you?" she said as she found herself in front of him. He wanted to leave but his legs wouldn’t budge. Numbly he nodded unable to do anything else.

Before either of them knew what was happening, she had grabbed his collar and brought his lips to hers. Just as he had done a few nights ago, she merely pressed her lips on his and barely moved them. Slowly though, when he didn’t move away, she began moving them more and soon her desire fro him to kiss back grew, so she darted her tongue against his lower lip, but at this he moved away, as if burnt.

Through this entire thing, James' mind was not there. He wasn’t able to register the fact that Lily was kissing him, until he felt her tongue against his lip. At this alarms, went off in his mind and he pushed away, instantly wanting to go back to her, but he knew he couldn’t, so he stared at her for a few seconds before turning his heel and walked out.

"We're not finished here," she shouted after him, unable to say anything else. Immediately she regretted it. She had just kissed him and she was complaining about her detention. But she wanted him to come back to her and that was the first thing that she could think of mentioning.

But instead of coming back, he took out his wand from inside his robe and performed a cleaning spell without turning back. He then proceeded to walk out of the door. Lily flaring with anger and disappointment ran after him.

"You can't do that!" she shouted at him, but he didn’t even look at her. In fact he was breathing heavily for some reason and he was blinking fast.

"I can and I did, now stop complaining," he told her. But she couldn’t, she wanted more of a reaction from him. She had just kissed him and that's all he can say? And why wont he stop walking so fast?

"But we're going to get caught," she went on, but she knew that she was not going to believed. The number of times they had done that last year. In response he raised an eyebrow and smirked, knowing exactly what was going on in her mind.

"Just leave me alone, Lily," he said after some silence. They were both surprised by the emotion in his voice, and he coughed and began walking a bit faster. Lily, not wanting to leave him, matched his stride. Having enough James turned to her with the intention of shouting at her, but the words died on his lips at the sight of her.

Her hair was everywhere from her fast walking, and her cheeks were flushed for the same reason. This picture alone brought back so many memories for him that he could do nothing but bend down and kiss her. So he did.

At first it was an innocent kiss. He placed his hands on her cheeks and brought her face to him, placing his lips on her, but unlike the kiss they had sheared just moments before, they both moved their lips, massaging each other. Seconds passed as they stood in the middle of the corridor standing there, before James pressed his tongue against her lips demanding entrance. Lily allowed him into her mouth where he was met by her own tongue.

It was the exact opposite of what they had ever shared. Last year, no matter what he was going through, James was tender and even loving. Now he was rough and demanding, wanting more and more out of her. She could feel the pain inside him and his need for her touch. This excited her and scared her at the same time and so tried to show as much as the emotional turmoil inside her as she could.

As soon as their tongues met, innocence was lost. Lily's hands went to his neck where she drove him to her even more. James' hands went to her hips and guided her towards the corridor wall, where he pressed his entire body up against hers. She moaned in his mouth as she felt him against her. At her moan, James clutched on her hips even harder. Lily wanted nothing more to have him right there and then, even if they were in the middle of the corridor. He wanted her and she knew it, the same way that he knew that she wanted him, but she could feel something new in him. Something that wasn’t quite right.

Before long, they needed air and so they pulled away, breathing heavily. James let go of her hips and brought his hands up to cup her face once more. After rubbing her lips with his thumb, he leaned in and gave her a single kiss on the mouth. After this he moved his hands to hers, where he disentangled from his hair and took a step back, his eyes locked with hers.

"Please Lily, just leave me alone" he begged and left in one of the directions of the hallway, leaving Lily to stare after him, unsatisfied once again.

00oo00oo00

Alex C. Potter ~> He does doesn’t he? Well I don’t know what I'll do with him yet but we'll see. Hope you still like it despite the late update

Mani12191 ~> The entire story is not planned out but I have chapters in my mind. But the thing is I have to write something to link them, but its not going bad. This fic will probably be over 15 chapters long but we'll see

Anonymous ~> Well there you go then and I hope you enjoy it

Hazeleyedmarauder ~> Sorry for the wait I got hung up on my exams L

Hazydayz ~> you need my story? Lol thank you very much..I'm glad you liked it so much enough to review twice hehe

Radcliffluvslave ~> So what do you think of this chapter? Sexual tension enough? Angst? There will be much more to come

Greenevans ~> Oh, there's a long way before the can manage to live happily ever after

BluejeanMistress ~> Thank you so much! Well I haven't planed it exactly but its going to be over 15 chapters if that’s any help hehe

Jesse81358 ~> Its rated Nc-17 because of how things will evolve between James and Lily and some other things. But you'll have to wait for that. This is the unedited version of the one that’s on fanfiction due to that exact thing. Just wait and see, and I hope you like it

Missclearwater ~> * evil laugh * have patience and you shall see

Laurie100117 ~> Hehe thanks

Little miss perfect ~> Thank you very much J

Mercedes1327 ~> Oh there will be a few flashbacks so don’t worry about that. Sorry it took so long

Sprklnbabe14 ~> Sorry it took so long! I didn’t even realize the time had passed so fast

A/N Oh my God! I am so sorry for the long wait but my bloody exams have started and I have a lot of art to do otherwise I'm dead. Hope you keep reading regardless of my incompetence in updating fast and keep the reviews coming! Hehe

4. Nothing to Lose

Nothing to Lose

He's running wild through the streets at night
But he's hiding in the shadows by the break of day
He's got a clip-on Spyderco knife
But it's just for keeping the wolves at bay

It's 2am, fucked up again
He's living in the bottle cause he's living with the pain
Insane, poking his veins, he's standing in the rain
With nothing to lose but everything to gain

Unwanted and unforgiving
He's tired of fighting and he's tired of living here
Swigging beer with nothin' to fear
He's got nothing to lose so he's always winning

He's suffocating, the pain can be excruciating
And liberating, it helps him forget the worlds he's hating
And now he's waiting, there won't be any negotiating

He's got nothing to lose
He's been beaten and he's been bruised
He ain't taking anymore of your abuse
He's had enough of their institutions
And all the rules he was told to obey
They offered him no solutions

So he hit the street before they put him away
In a deprogramming youth care center
To rid him of his insubordinate ways
"You know that boy ain't right" is what you hear his parents say

Down on the world and down on his luck
he's got nothing to lose so he don't give a fuck
about shit taking risks in the street throwing bricks
he's got nothing to lose but you've drove him to this

Trying hard to forget the past
he's sleeping under the overpass
of 1-95 just trying to survive
just waiting for the moon to arise

Against All Authority - Nothing to Lose

00oo00oo00

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," James muttered under his breath as he moved swiftly through the corridors, his hands clenched to his side and his eyes stinging with suppressed emotion. He let out a hollow growl.

"Fuck!" he shouted as he kicked the stone wall, and continued down the hall, ignoring the pain shooting through his leg.

Pausing for a few seconds at the base of the stairs leading up to his room, he moved away from them, to the opposite direction. Deciding to go elsewhere, he moved toward the Entrance Doors and walked outside quickly as not to be noticed. Fastening his pace he made his way to the Womping Willow, wanting to get as far away from the angel of his nightmares.

00oo00oo00

"Emma?" Lily tugged her friend again, trying desperately to wake her up. Finally, she climbed into her bed and muttered a silencing spell as she closed the curtains around them.

"Emma!!" Lily shouted into her friend's ear. Emma in turn sprang up from her sleeping state and looked around wildly, searching for the source that disrupted her sleep.

"What the fuck?" she cursed loudly. But when her eyes fell on Lily's bloodshot eyes and tears-streaked face she sobered up dramatically.

"Lily, what's wrong?" she asked worriedly.

"James," Lily replied before letting out a small sob.

"What did he do now?" she growled dangerously. Lily shook her head vigorously.

"No! He didn’t do anything. I-" she said quickly, stopping to sniff.

"What did you do?" Emma changed sequence and raised an eyebrow at her, but when Lily didn’t answer she began getting worried.

"Lily?" She repeated questioningly.

Within a second, Lily had let out a cry of pain, causing Emma's heart to clench with fear and foreboding. She had never seen Lily so lost and vulnerable in her entire life of knowing her and she didn't know what she could do to help. Lily had buried her face in Emma's pillow, unable to let herself be seen crying. Emma stroked her hair trying to soothe her.

"Lily, please tell me what's wrong," she whispered, her voice didn’t come out normal, she noticed, as she kept looking over Lily. Soon she gave up asking her and settled for making soothing sounds to help her relax. When Lily seemed to have calmed down soon after, Emma began questioning her again.

"What happened with James, Lily?" she repeated her question in a low voice.

"I kissed him," she admitted in a dazed tone, not looking at her.

"You what?" Emma asked stunned. Silenced followed.

"I kissed him," she repeated in a faint voice, more to herself than to Emma, "and he kissed me back," she went on, a single tear flowing down her cheek. Emma was about to say something but Lily began talking again. Yet she couldn’t help but feel a bit shaky about the state her friend was in.

"But then he told me, he begged me, to leave him alone. And he left, just left. He didn’t even turn back," she continued in that empty voice, still refusing to look at her. Emma didn’t know what else to do but stroke her hair, yet subconsciously her other hand balled into a fist.

"Bastard." she snarled. Lily shot her a glare from her lying position. Emma felt a shiver move down her spine by the fact that this was the only time she had acknowledged her.

"Don’t call him that!" she snapped. Emma looked at her in surprise.

"But Lils-" she began but Lily interrupted her again, this time her eyes were softer devoid of any happy emotion. Her eyes were glazed over with tears and empty at the same time.

"I deserved it Em," she whimpered, another tear streaking down her cheek, and in a deadly tone, that caused Emma's hears to beat twice as fast with worry, "I did."

"What? Why did you deserve it Lily? No one deserves to be treated like shit," Emma retaliated, her temper rising, trying to guard her friend and herself from the sense of fear she was beginning to feel. Lily paid no heed to her friend's temper and sniffed, giving her a glance.

"Then it's just a taste of my own medicine," was all she said. Emma looked at her strangely.

"What do you mean by that?" she asked confused, anger now forgotten. Her hand stopped moving over her head. Lily lay silent and emotionless before speaking again.

"I broke him Em. Last year, I broke him. Last year he told me he loved me. And I just-" she took in a deep breath, trying to stop the tears from reappearing, "I just walked away. Without even turning back," her voice trailed off into a void.

"So? That’s happened loads of times before," Emma reasoned. Lily sighed and gave a slight shudder wondering how she would be able to tell her.

"Not exactly," she whispered and turned her face in the pillow once again, this time mumbling something. Emma didn't understand anything.

"What?" she asked perplexed.

"We were sleeping together," she repeated once again, in a louder tone, against the pillows. She turned her head to see Emma's expression, although all she wanted to do was to just run away.

Emma's eyes were twice their normal size as she gazed at her. Through them Lily could distinguish different emotions that were plaguing her friend's mind. Anger, surprise, pity and even disbelief. Her hand traveled to her mouth as if to prevent a scream. A few minutes had to pass before she could speak again, but when she did Lily wanted to be far away.

"You what?!" she almost screeched, her hand still firmly placed over her mouth. Lily was glad that the Silencing Spell was still strong.

"Last year, well from last Halloween until about six or seven months ago, James and I were sleeping together," she whispered against the pillow. It was the first time she had let anyone know, and frankly she wish she hadn't.

"You what?" Emma repeated in a hollow whisper, her eyes fixed on Lily. "You were sleeping with my boyfriend's best friend? Even when he broke up with me, you were screwing his best friend?" she asked, anger boiling under her skin.

Lily gulped, not knowing what to do or say. She had forgotten that part of last year. Emma was going out with Remus Lupin, but after something that had occurred in January, he had broken up with her and refused to talk to her, or anyone, for quite some time. Emma was distraught and she had refused to leave her dormitory for a week. Lily herself didn’t know what had happened to Remus but she knew that it concerned all the Seventh Year Gryffindors, for they had all changed after that. Even James had, but when Lily ever try to ask him, he would find one way or another to shut her up. She visibly grimaced at the flash of remembrance in her mind at how successful he had been.

"Emma, it's not like that. I-" but she was cut off by Emma.

"So you weren't screwing Potter when I was locked up in here?" she asked with venom, raising an eyebrow.

"Actually no," she said matter-of-factly, "I was right here next to you through the entire week. I didn’t even see James then. And when I did see him after that, I was trying to find out what happened because if you had opened your eyes, it wasn’t only Remus in a bad mood. All of them, Remus as well as James, Sirius and Peter, looked like they had seen someone die," Lily retaliated, pain forgotten for now. Why was she being like this?

"That doesn’t matter Lily. You went behind my back. You knew how I felt at the time but you still went with the closest person he had," Emma went on. Lily raised an eyebrow at her attitude.

"Emma? What the hell is wrong with you?" Lily asked taken aback.

"Nothing! Just nothing," Emma snapped at her, falling back on her pillow as if to sleep, turning her back away from her. Lily stared at her for a few seconds before lying down next to her and putting an arm around her.

"You still miss him don’t you?" she asked in a small voice. Silence followed the question for a long time. Eventually Emma turned to her and they looked into each other's swollen eyes and nodded, as tears glided down from her eyes.

Frustrated with herself, she wiped her eyes furiously with her hands and managed a small and painful laugh. Lily tried not to flinch at the sound of it, but she felt extremely stupid for not being there for her friend.

"Look at me," she said, "crying over something dead," she muttered darkly, turning to the ceiling.

"Em-" Lily tried to talk to her, but Emma stopped her.

"So tell me Lils, what happened with James?" she changed the subject. Lily mentally told herself that she should talk to Emma about Remus when she was calmer.

"Well, last year, we were sleeping together, no strings attached, you know?" she began, remembering the story painfully.

"So he was your first?" Emma asked mixed between intrigue and horror. Never in a million years would she ever imagine her best friend, Lily Evans, giving herself so willingly to a man she then hated.

"Yea, and you know the funny thing?" Lily said in a strange voice. Emma merely looked at her, signaling her to continue, "I don’t regret it," she finished and looked at her.

"Seriously? You didn’t even like the guy then Lily. You don't have an ounce of regret?" Emma asked.

"No. I think that if there were any ideal man for me to lose my virginity to, it would be James. And I did. I have nothing to regret about that. He was amazing. But I broke him and that’s the only thing that I regret," she went on honestly, but she couldn’t help the tears that began showing themselves again.

"But how Lily? How do you think you broke him?" Emma pushed. Lily took a deep breath.

"He asked me out in April. About six months after we began sleeping together. I said no and I broke the whole thing off. Within the next week after that, I started going out with Derek," she moved on, her voice began to break.

"And James? What did James do? How did he take it?" Emma asked in pure curiosity. She had known James better than the rest of the Marauders as they were in fact cousins. And she knew that something like that happening would just tear him apart. There was more to James than what he portrayed.

"I don’t know. I didn’t see him that first week. No one did, but I don’t think he took it very well, " she admitted to her friend. Emma raised an eyebrow at her," he told me he loved me Em. He looked into my eyes and he told me that. And I- I don't know.." she trailed off, scared to finish the sentence.

"You got freaked out," Emma completed for her. Lily bent her head low and nodded.

"I didn’t want him to change for me, Emma, I didn’t want him to have to compromise his antics and us to fall into a way of normality and familiarity. James was always so childlike and perfect, and a relationship would destroy that. He wouldn’t be so unpredictable to me anymore and he would be quieter around me, and all that. It scared me Em, because I-" she stopped herself once more.

"You were falling for him weren't you?" Emma guessed when Lily went silent again. This time Lily didn’t move.

"Lily, I love you as if you were my own sister ok? But this image you have about relationships is all wrong. I know that you didn’t have such a nice childhood, but you shouldn’t let that bring down what you had with James. You only think that now because you haven't gone out with anyone you've actually loved. But when you find that one person, you know that he wont mind changing because they'll have you, and that's what would matter to them the most, and you'll change for them for exactly the same reason," Emma explained.

"That point in your relationship, where you become familiar with each other, is perhaps the best of all. You won't have to speak to explain what you feel, with a plain look and you'd be able to tell exactly what he's thinking. What you have will grow, it can't always be childlike and perfect. Of course it would change some things but only for the better. You just never experienced that before. Its beautiful, Lily. There are things that you should just not fight, and this is one of them. But when you just let it pass you by, just because you're so scared to allow yourself to enjoy it, you miss out on one of the most amazing things that life has to offer you. I know that mine and Remus' relationship ended and that it isn't one of the most perfect examples but that doesn’t mean that yours and James' would do the same, " she went on. She was painfully aware that she still loved Remus as much as last year and that tears were forming at the memories.

Lily stared at her friend in awe. She had never thought that anyone could say something so, so deep and targeted. Yet Lily still couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. Her parents weren't in love and yet their relationship had fallen into a horrifying sense of formality and fakeness. They had divorced the year before, which was partly the reason as to why Lily had gone to James in the first place. Lily had no faith in relationships, they scared her. That's what was so great about the arrangement with James. Only she hadn't calculated on a few things.

"Lily?" Emma tried to get her attention. That caught her attention and she flung her arms around her friend.

"Oh, Emma! I don’t know that to do anymore," she whimpered against her.

"You need to talk to him Lily," she soothed her by caressing her hair again. Lily shook her head.

"I can't do that. He won't even look at me anymore, except to sneer at me," Lily said fearfully.

"Then I don’t know what I can tell you hun," Emma whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks, for herself and for Lily.

00oo00oo00

"And don’t come back till you're sober!" the old man yelled from the door, to the young one who was on the floor after he tripped himself over his own feet.

"Fine!" the man, yelled back. He began getting up and started to dust himself down, "Fucking idiot," he muttered.

He started walking, or actually staggering, down the street. With a final glare towards the small bar, Hog's Head, he let out a drunken laugh and pulled out a bottle of firewisky from the inside pocket of his cloak and took a deep sip.

"Take that you old fart" he whispered. Then he raised the bottle in the air and slurred, "Fuck you Lily Evans!" and drank some more.

He made his way to a place he knew well, a small garden like park that had a few benches that overlooked the small village. By the time he got there, the bottle only had half of its content left. He sat down on one of the benches and put down the bottle in front of him, on the ground. He set his elbows on his knees and passed his hands through his messy hair.

"Fuck!" he swore when he realized he couldn’t get her out of his mind.

Images and feelings flooded him to the extent that he punched the bench he was siting on. Images of what they went through the year before. How she felt when their bodies were so close together. Her hands in his hair. His hands on her waist. Heat radiating from her body, hotter and hotter by the second.

He held the bottle to his lips as he took deep breaths. Flashes of the past went through his mind all the while. Her hot breathe against his body. Her eyes full of desire just before the end. It was all tormenting him.

"Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily," he moaned as a single tear made its way to his chin. He took another gulp of the drink in his hands.

He sat there in the darkness, allowing the past to unfold itself in his mind all over again, not even fighting the pain he felt cursing through his body at the mere memory of her. Slowly and unwillingly, he let his hand drop to the bench, where he fingered a carving. Knowing what it was he didn’t want to glance at it, but the undying urge to do so overwhelmed him, so he gave in.

I'll love you forever Lily

"I'll love you forever Lily," he whispered as he remembered carving it into the wood last Valentine's Day. "Even though I don’t want to," he added to himself as he drank some more.

As the bottle was getting empty, his head was becoming more and more light, but he didn’t want to stop. He wouldn’t until she was out of his mind. He just needed something more to drink. With that last thing in mind, he got up with the intention of going to find another bar open. He didn’t manage to get very far as he fall over and landed on his back. Unable to get up he resigned to his position, finally feeling the alcohol take hold of him, wanting it's side effects. But the only thing it didn’t do, was destroy the image of her. In fact it became stronger and clearer.

He shuffled through his cloak once more and pulled out a small mirror from his pocket and stared at it for a few moments, as if forgetting why he had pulled it out.

"Sirius Black," he muttered in a drunken state. Nothing happened.

"Padfoot," he hiccuped. Something was beginning to happen on the other side of the mirror.

"Sirius," he whined again. Slowly a sleepy face appeared in the reflection of the mirror. His best friend looked at him groggily and was about to shout at him but suddenly stopped.

"James?" he asked in amazement and worry.

"Yup," James hiccuped again.

"What the hell? Where are you? Are you ok?" He questioned fast. He seemed to be changing clothes for some reason.

"Oh, everything's dandy Paddy,." James slurred. Sirius seemed to stop for a second and looked at James.

"James are you drunk? Where the fuck are you?" he almost barked. James started laughing and Sirius looked at him with a raised eyebrow

"I'm at the bench of Hell," James said in an emotionless tone. It took Sirius a few seconds to understand what he had meant.

"You mean the bench of Love? Stay there. I'm coming to get you. Don’t do anything stupid," Sirius growled and snatched a cloak.

"And spoil all my wonderful plans of throwing myself off a cliff," James replied in a sarcastic inebriate. Sirius rounded on him in a dark way.

"Don’t you even joke about that James. Now stay there," he all but howled.

"Bring something to drink will you?" he asked after him, ignoring his friend's warning. He was answered by a slam of the door.

"Damn! Someone's got his panties in a twist," he mumbled, dropping the mirror to the ground.

As he lay there on the ground, he stared at the sky above him, wondering if he'd ever be able to get away from Lily's hold. Slowly small drops of water began falling over his body, acceding with might by the second. He shuffled to get up, but he fell back down as his head was spinning. Resigning he lay there, rain falling over him, soaking him to the bone, but he didn’t seem to mind. Instead he welcomed it.

One of his hands found its way to his trouser pocket where he played with something in it. He smiled mirthlessly at the new memory of last Christmas. He pulled out the muggle pocketknife that was given to him by her. She said that it would help get him out of any bad situation.

Well it almost worked last time, he thought.

He flipped it open and observed the blade, as it was the most interesting thing in the world. All the while, rain was falling heavier and heavier on his body. He gave into a shudder brought to him by the cold. He played with the blade with his fingers, but he never applied pressure to go deeper.

"James?" he heard a voice in the distance coming very close. He didn’t bother answering back though, he knew he'd find him eventually. He continued staring at the blade.

"Prongs?" Sirius' voice came again. This time much closer.

"Hey Siri," James greeted in a small voice. Unfortunately it was not heard as at that moment thunder exploded from the sky.

"James! What the fuck are you doing?" Sirius exclaimed when he found him. James merely looked at him with a strange glint in his eyes. Suddenly he saw the pocketknife in his hands and fear overwhelmed him. He bent down and snatched it out of his hold.

"Hey!" He protested for a second, but that worry was soon forgotten when he glanced at his friend's hands. "Did you bring anything to drink?" He asked, ignoring his friend's questions.

"No. What are you doing down there?" he questioned, in turn ignoring James' grimace at the mention of no more drinks.

"I fell, what does it look like?" he grumbled, staggering to get up again.

"Well why didn’t you get up?" Sirius went on stupidly.

"You think I didn’t try that?" James growled, quickly getting agitated. Sirius placed an arm under his and around his waist, to help him up. When James was standing, Sirius tried to move his arm but soon found out that James would fall to the ground again if he did. So clenching his teeth he helped James walk until they reached their dorm rooms.

"You so owe me for this James," he scoffed at him as they walked through Hogsmade. James seemed to be in his own world though, as he began losing consciousness .

"James, you better not pass out before we get there I swear!" Sirius moaned.

"Ok Paddy, I promise," James said in a tiny voice. Sirius would have laughed if the matter weren't so grave. He made a mental note to hide the pocketknife back in a better place than before, instead of stuffing it in his trunk again. How did he find it anyway?

They reached the Shack and Sirius wondered for a brief second on how he would take him into the castle without the teachers noticing. As a final decision he decided to leave him in the Shack and go and get his Invisibility cloak. As he settled his drunken friend on the battered sofa, he couldn’t help but pity him. He turned to leave but was stopped at his friend's voice.

"Sirius?" he almost choked. Sirius turned around and watched him closely, the sight breaking his heart.

"James?" questioned tiredly.

"I love her, you know," James whispered in a slur, closing his eyes slowly.

"I know James. I know," Sirius answered back as he turned away. Only James didn’t hear him. He had blacked out.

00oo00oo00

radcliffeluvslave ~> hehe unfortunately it's not going to be so easy. They will suffer through a few things, with and without each other until then. But you'll see, just stick around

Alex C. Potter ~> Thank you very much for the vote of confidence hehe. Yup the tension is quite thick huh? But that’s nothing to what's coming * evil laugh * Again sorry for the delay. Many things have popped up during the last time of my updating and I'm incredibly sorry for the long wait (again)

Anu ~> You'll see. There are a few stuff that haven't been revealed yet, but when they will you'll see.

Anonymous ~> Thank you and your review made mine hehe. And thanks for the good luck. I sure needed it

Hazeleyedmarauder ~> thanks hehe and don’t worry getting off topic I usually do. you're home schooled? That sounds wicked. Is it?

Hazy Dayz ~> two reviews? Nice to know you care about this story so much as to send a threat as well hehe. Sorry for the wait though, my computer was busted for two weeks. But I've been working on the next chapter so that’s ok. What did you think of this chapter?

Anonymous ~> Thank you very much and I hope you'll still read and love it no matter how long I take to update it hehe. And I agree; James is yummy

Bananaslugg22 ~> Thanks, and you sound a bit surprised hehe. Well as for Lily being the one hanging, I just thought that she should do it once and a while and see what James feels like

Tania ~> Thank you! That’s exactly what I wanted to achieve and I'm glad you liked it

Babbling ~> Very true, but it appears that they've removed it yet again so I'll just be posting on this site. Thank you for your kind words and hope you like where its going. Or at least where it will be going. Btw I like your nickname hehe

Halfbloodedprincess ~> thanks for you're er.. hyperactive expressions? Hehe but unfortunately they wont be hooking up any time soon. Well at least in the sense of going out together. But you'll see

Jesse81358 ~> working on the flashback and I'm trying to put it into the next chapter some how, but we'll see. Very sorry for the long wait for this chapter, my computer was messed up, but I hope you still like it

Anonymous ~> Glad you love it and sorry for the long wait, yet again. Thanks for the luck, needed as much as I could have gotten hehe

Tallblond1 ~> hehe glad you liked it and hope you still do

A/N hey everyone! Before you all start throwing stuff at the screen for the way it finished or even for the long update. I'd like to apologize for the long wait. Unfortunately my computer suffered many hardships listing form no connection to the internet for a week and a half, not switching on, and being bashed by me. But now the chapter's up and there will be a much little wait for the next chapter as it is almost finished. Hope you liked this chapter and tell me so in a review hehe. Bye bye for now. Love you all!!! xXx

5. Cry

Cry

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have been through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

James Blunt - Cry

00oo00oo00

There she was, lying right next to him. Like she always did after a night together. But the dawn would come and she would leave. Like she always did after the first rays of the sun appeared.

He still couldn’t fathom what was happening between them. But he knew he didn’t want to lose it. He knew she didn’t want to either; he could see it in her eyes every night.

He stroked a strand of red hair that had fallen over her face. She stirred, slowly opening her eyes, a small smile forming on her lips.

"Morning sunshine," he said returning her smile. That’s what he'd always said when she woke up.

"Morning handsome," she answered. That’s whet she'd always answered when he did. He bent down and kissed her soundly on her lips. A kiss that was nothing like the nights that they had spent together. Innocent and feather light.

But something was different now. They weren't in bed anymore. They were in the kitchen?

Ah, yes, the kitchen! How could he ever forget the kitchen?

It was the first time she had told him her idea. Three days before Halloween. He had gotten hungry in the middle of the night. He had found her in the kitchen, crying.

They were kissing now, just like they were the night before, violently and full of need, right there in the kitchen. She told him that she needed him, she wanted him. But he couldn’t do it. She was vulnerable; he couldn’t take advantage of that. She was insisting.

She was very smart, and she used it to her advantage. He knew what she was doing but she couldn’t stop her. Somehow he didn’t want to. In his heart of hearts he knew why though, but he feared it.

She managed to get them both in detention, on Halloween. They had missed the feast. But somehow neither of them cared.

They were kissing again. But not in the kitchen. They were in the Trophy Room again. This time he didn’t stop, he didn’t pull away. Instead they had gone the whole way.

Right there, on the floor.

He saw himself take off her clothes, slowly. Saw her take his clothes off. Saw them kiss, over and over again.

His own hands moved over her body, caressing her every curve. He kissed her chest and heard her moan his name, full of lust and passion, as her hands moved over his back and hair.

They had ignored the fact that they were in detention and that they were supposed to be cleaning, or the fact that what they were doing was something that they would both cherish deep in their hearts, although unknown to both of them at the time.

They became one that very night. They didn’t know it, but they had created a bond so unique that even pain could not break. Not even death.

They had pretended nothing happened between them the following morning. That was the deal. They fought over nothing, creating a distraction for everyone around them. But if had anyone had paid attention to detail would see the glances they shot each other, or the knowing smiles they had when they caught each other's eyes.

He knew that now. They weren't the most subtle they could have been. He could see it clearly, as he found himself in the Great Hall, watching her again. He smiled.

He hadn't smiled in a long time. Merlin did it feel good.

But he wasn’t smiling anymore.

They were standing on the Astronomy Tower, watching the falling stars. About six months after their first contact, on Halloween.

"Lily, I love you. Why don't you just give us a chance?" he could hear his voice coming out.

"James, you know that you mean a lot to me, but-" she couldn’t continue. He knew he wouldn’t like the answer but he wanted to hear it.

"But what Lily?" his voice was low, almost a whisper. He hated hearing his voice so small. He wanted to run, or close his ears.

"I-I-I'm not in love with you," she stammered, not looking at him. She watched as a single star fell to the earth.

"You don’t mean that! I know you don’t. You cant," he was getting desperate.

"But I can, James, I don’t," this time she looked at him, before she turned around to leave. Something stopped her. His hand. He had grabbed her and she could see water in his eyes.

"Lily," he whispered, but she had merely looked at his hand that was still clutching hers. He had removed it in an instant. That was it.

She had turned around once more to leave. This time he didn’t stop her. He watched her leave, not knowing that the tears that flowed from his eyes matched the ones that fell from hers.

Instead he had turned to the stars and watched them fall, losing their light. Only one star didn’t fall to the ground. It was falling towards him.

Everywhere was covered in bright light before he was found in that room again. He was on his knees and his hands covered his eyes. He was crying, just like he was the last time. He uncovered his eyes and looked down at his hands. They were covered in something red.

Was it red?

No, it was blood.

His blood.

James bolted up from bed, sweating and trembling. The first thing he noticed was that he wasn’t in his Head room. He recognized the black curtains that surrounded the bed, from his last six years of living in Hogwarts. He was in the 7th year dormitories. He felt the heat of the sun as he sat there, and presumed that it was morning, despite the fact that the curtains were closed around him. He opened them slowly, expecting to find his friends in the room. He didn’t.

What the fuck? He thought to himself. He looked at his watch.

"Two thirty???" he almost yelled. This had never happened to him. He'd always woken up before the sun even went up.

He tried standing up but all the blood in his body seemed to rush up to his head, so he sat back down on his bed, holding his head to his hands.

What had happened last night? He tried to remember.

He remembered a lot of drinking. Had he gotten drunk? If he had, then how in Merlin's name could he be here?

Suddenly he could feel everything that he had drunk last night fight their way up his throat. Quickly, ignoring the spinning of the room as he did so, he stood up and ran to the bathroom, and not being able to hold in everything for much longer, he bent over the toilet and vomited.

00oo00oo00

He stared at her from afar, and although he was still a good distance away, he couldn’t help but growl in her direction. There were things that he still didn’t know about what had happened between her and James, and he never liked to interfere without knowing two sides of the argument, but seeing James like he had last night, again, he just couldn’t vanquish his anger.

He wanted to go up to her and start yelling at her for doing that to James, but whenever the thought appeared in his mind, he thought better of it when he imagined James' reaction to it. He'd be vivid, probably hit him.

"Padfoot why the hell are you growling at the wall?" he heard Remus ask him with amusement. Sirius let out a small growl, which didn’t go down so well with his friend, because as he turned around to see him he was frowning.

"Just thinking of thumping something and it looked like a good enough victim," was he said and looked down at his book. They were in Transfiguration once again; the last lesson of the day, but it appeared that no one could pay much attention, not even the teacher.

Professor McGonagall had asked where James had been, and while neither Remus or Peter knew the answer to that, Sirius had told her he wasn’t feeling well. The professor couldn’t seem to see why, and so resigned the case, yet there was something troublesome in the situation that didn’t manage to leave her mind.

"Care to elaborate buddy?" Remus asked tentatively.

"No," he answered with another growl as he continued to stare at Lily.

If he had let go of his anger long enough, he would have seen that Lily didn’t look so well either. She wasn’t paying attention in the lesson and was scribbling something on a spare piece of parchment, then passed it on to Emma.

He hasn’t been to any of the classes today, Em; I'm getting really worried.

He'll be fine Lily. You heard Sirius; he's just a bit sick, that’s all.

But he was fine last night.

Then he might have just went out for a bit, last night, and caught a bit of a cold.

Do you really think so?

Truth? Not really? But I still don’t think its anything to be worried about.

But there has to be something wrong with him. Why isn't he in class?

Slept in?

James doesn’t sleep in Em. He always wakes up before sunrise. Always.

If you keep thinking that, it's no wonder you're worried. Just don’t think about it.

How can I not think about it? He was fine last night, but he's not here now. He wouldn’t miss an entire day of classes no matter what.

He's fine Lily.

That’s not very reassuring Em. I'm still worried.

Then go ask Sirius after class.

Maybe I will.

Maybe you should. But be very careful cos it seems that he's trying to burn a hole through your head at the moment.

Then that settles it. There's something wrong with James.

Always on the bright side aren't you?

Always.

Why does there have to be something wrong with James?

Because he was fine last night. And Sirius is trying to kill me with his eyes.

That doesn’t prove anything.

Yes, it does.

What does it prove?

That there's something wrong with James.

Argh! The bell's about to ring, why don’t you go ask Sirius.

I will.

Just then, the bell rang and everyone began packing their bags and made their way out of the classroom. Except one person, Lily Evans. She lingered behind, after telling Emma she'd meet her at lunch, trying to catch Sirius' eye.

"Oi, mate," Remus nudged his friend. Sirius turned around to face him, but he merely pointed to Lily on the other side of the room.

"Meet you at lunch," Sirius told him and moved away. Remus felt an odd feeling of foreboding as he swore he had seen a wolfish grin playing on his friend's lips. As a hunting dog going in for a kill. He shook his head and made his way out of the classroom with the rest of the class.

As he walked to lunch, his eyes caught the movement of long black hair and he struggled to maintain a stable heartbeat as he focused on something else.

"It's over Moony. Get over it," he muttered to himself.

"What was that, Moony?" Peter appeared next to him.

"Nothing Wormtail. Nothing," he told him.

00oo00oo00

"You waned to talk to me Evans?" Sirius asked, unable to keep the anger out of his voice, once they were out of the class.

Lily flinched at the sound of it, taking it as a bad sign, but went along with her decision to talk to him anyway.

"Where's James?" she blurted out.

"What do you care?" Sirius snapped. Lily looked surprised. Sirius smiled menacingly, knowing he had caught her.

"Just a bit worried. He seemed perfectly fine last night at the detention," she told him apprehensively, fighting to keep the images from appearing in her mind for the billionth time that day.

"Was that before or after you screwed him over?" he almost barked. All the anger he kept inside him was finally let out.

Lily was more than surprised at his outburst. More of what he was saying rather than what he said it. Did he know anything? Had James told him? When? Her attention went back to Sirius Black, who was now living up to his family name.

"Leave him the fuck alone, Evans. He told me about last year and I though that you had just freaked out on him. But after last night.. I somehow don’t think so," he growled.

Lily remained silent for a few minutes. She regained her state of mind only when she saw Sirius turn to leave. She placed a hand on his arm to prevent him form doing so. Sirius' head snapped at her and she withdrew it almost instantly. His eyes were enough to kill someone at that moment and she actually feared that it might be her.

"Did- did James tell you what happened last night?" she asked, her voice trembling.

"No. He didn’t have to. I saw the state he was in. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out," he wanted to continue. To make her understand how much pain she had inflicted on his best friend. He wanted her to feel like he had done. But he was cut short when she began to talk.

"Well apparently it doesn’t!" she almost yelled. Silence followed shortly before she went on to a strangled kind of talking again. "I kissed him, sure, but he walked away. When I followed him he just turned around and kissed me. He kissed me like he'd never kissed me before," she said in a strong voice, unaware that there were tears in her eyes.

"Of course he kissed you Evans! He's in love with you for fuck's sake!" he yelled. Then everything had gone silent. Lily stared at him with wide eyes, filled with disbelief. Sirius had shut his eyes and mentally began to hit himself.

"What did you just say?" she asked in a small voice. Sirius remained with his eyes closed.

"Oh shit," he whispered as he shook his head.

"He's in love with me?" her small voice remained, only it was a bit more strained. Sirius opened his eyes, revealing stone cold gray irises.

"It doesn’t matter what I said. I cant risking losing him again. He's the only family I have left; him and his parents. Leave him alone Lily. He doesn’t deserve to go through all that again," was all he said, his voice as cold as his eyes, before he walked out of the class.

This time she hadn't stopped him. She thought that she would be able to get some answers out of Sirius Black, but all she had managed to gain were more questions.

He's in love with me? She thought. Then something else that Sirius had said came to his mind.

"I can't risk losing him again," he had said.

Had James tried to..?

00oo00oo00

Neither Lily nor Sirius had gone to lunch after their meeting. Somehow they couldn’t even think straight, let alone eat. Lily was troubled by what Sirius had said, and wondered what had happened so he could almost lose his best friend, but somehow, in her heart of hearts, she knew; and she hated herself. Sirius was also troubled by what he had said.

"James is going to kill me," he muttered as he made his way to Gryffindor Tower.

00oo00oo00

Emma kept glancing at the Great Hall's doors, waiting impatiently for Lily to show up, but she didn’t. She was getting worried. Sirius Black didn’t look like he was in a very good mood that afternoon, and she wondered if it had to do with what had happened last night. She waited until Lily would come but she never did.

"Hi, Emma," someone said behind her. Her blood froze and her heart beat relentlessly to try and get it pumping again. It didn’t work. She tried breathing, which still didn’t work, so she remained sitting, with her back to the person talking to her.

"Em?" he asked in bewilderment. Why wasn’t she answering? Should he go? He didn’t even know how he managed to walk there in the first place.

"Err hi, Remus," she mumbled trying to show disinterest, despite the fact that all her senses were now driving her mind to him.

For a few awkward moments he stood there, not knowing what to do or what to say. She didn’t look all that pleased to see him there and he thought that he should probably leave. But as a second thought came into his mind he took the seat next to her, surprising her even more.

"Emma, can we talk privately some time? I really need to clear the air about last year. I feel like I should explain and I couldn’t stand it if you'd ever hated me," he spoke fast and it took a few seconds for her to understand what he had said. When she did, she looked uncomfortable and Remus immediately thought that he had just done one of the biggest mistakes of his life.

"Remus I don’t- I mean its not even possible for me to hate you. It's just that I-" but at that moment her eye caught something at the door. Lily was standing in the shadows and was staring at her with tears in her eyes. When she caught her friend's eye she turned around and rushed outside.

"Lily?" she muttered to herself. Remus looked confused at the strange changed of subject.

"Lily?" he repeated to her, in a form of asking what she meant.

"Oh! Nothing. I'm really sorry Remus but I have to go. We'll talk some other time ok?" she told him and without waiting for an answer, she stormed out of the Great Hall.

"Right," Remus sighed dejectedly. He should have never tried to talk to her, but he couldn’t stay away from her. Even in his dreams, he has conversations with her. Just like the ones they used to have when they were together.

He sighed one more time, before finally getting up to go to their dormitory. Suddenly, he wasn’t feeling so hungry.

00oo00oo00

Emma rushed out of the Great Hall and through the Entrance Doors blindly, not knowing exactly where Lily might be. Following her instincts, she ran to the furthest tree, on the South bank of the lake. Lily had gone there, when her parents had divorced the year before. Though she wasn’t crying then, Emma knew she liked the solitude of where the tree stood.

She fastened her pace, in fear that that may not be the case this year. when she saw the outline of Lily's figure against the tree, she knew that she was right and she ended up running to her friend.

At first she didn’t say anything. Instead she sat next to her sad friend and waited patiently for her to explain. While she waited, she couldn’t help and wonder at Remus' behavior. Why had he come to talk to her? Why after so long? Did she even want to know? Deciding to stop thinking about it, just as abruptly as she had started, she turned to Lily and asked her what had happened.

"I know how James took it," she said in a small voice, looking at the ground, unable to look at her best friend. The cousin of the person she loved the most. Yes, she knew it now and she knew she couldn’t hide from it anymore, there was no point. It was too obvious. And Emma would hate her for what she had done to him.

"How he took what?" Emma asked confused. Her mind was still mixed up in thoughts and feelings due to a meeting from someone from her past.

"Me going out with Derek," she said, this time looking at her, wondering what was going on in her mind to make her so distracted. Emma showed no sign of letting information about it show.

"How did he take it?" she asked, a feeling of dread growing in the pit of her stomach. It must have been bad, if it had her friend crying.

"He tried to kill himself," she muttered in a strangled voice as more tears fell from her eyes, again averting her eyes from her friend's.

"He what?!?" she shouted in surprise. Why was she just hearing about this? Why hadn't Sirius told her? Or anyone?

"I'm not saying it again. You heard me," she whispered with trembling lips. It was hard enough saying it once, she could never be able to say it twice.

"How do you know? Did Sirius tell you?" she questioned quickly, running a hand through her hair, suddenly feeling very apprehensive.

"Well not in so many words but that was the general meaning. But -" she went on to explain before she was cut of by Emma.

"What exactly did he say, Lily?" she pleaded with her friend to tell her. Lily looked a bit lost and ended up fumbling over her words.

"He said that he couldn’t lose him again. That James and James' parents were all he had left. That he didn’t deserve to go through all that he went through again," she hurriedly recalled Sirius' words, bringing with them a small stab of guilt in her heart.

"He might not have meant what you thought," Emma replied skeptically, though she didn’t quite believe what she was saying.

"You think so?" Lily asked hopefully. Emma wanted to say no, really she did, but the look in Lily's eyes stopped her from doing so. There was something there that needed reassuring, that she hadn't driven someone, and specifically someone she loved, to kill themselves.

Instead, she took her friend in a large hug and rubbed her side whispering a little white lie, "Yea," before allowing the two to sink into silence. Minutes went by and Lily's crying began subsiding. Pulling herself from Emma's arms, she whipped her eyes and gave a small smile.

"So I saw you talking with Remus. What was going on?" she asked teasingly, though she could see that Emma was not in a good mood about the matter. She was never in a good mood when it came to a certain Mr. Lupin. Emma averted her eyes and stared at the lake.

"He wants to talk. About last year. He doesn’t want me to hate him," she muttered, slowly playing with the soil on the ground at her feet.

"And how do you feel honey?" every word she spoke was dipped concern. She knew Emma had tried to talk to Remus last year but he didn’t even want to see her.

She sighed; boys were strange.

"I honestly have no clue," Emma breathed out in defeat. Lily stared at her friend, and wondered how they both got in such a mess. She knew she couldn’t do anything to ease Emma's pain, she needed to just get it out of her system. Perhaps she should talk to Remus.

Maybe that's what Lily had to do; just get James out of her system.

She huffed impatiently at herself. That was a tried and failed method. She had nothing left in her anymore. Nothing except a great void within herself, where she could feel all of her emotions towards James burn deeper and deeper inside her.

She sighed and stared out to the lake like Emma, who was in turn driven by her thoughts to look ahead as well. Neither of them knew how long they had stayed there. One thing was for sure; they had missed dinner.

00oo00oo00

"James?" he heard Sirius' voice through the curtains. He contemplated not answering, and to get lost in his thoughts once more. Then he remembered why he had stopped trying to think or even remember; it hurt too much. So instead he let out an audible grunt, to let Sirius know he was still alive and in a bad mood.

Contrary to James' thought, that he might actually leave him alone in his misery, Sirius opened the curtains and sat on the edge of his bed, holding a glass in his hands. James raised his head a few inches from the position he was lying in, to look at him and the glass. A glass that contained a greenish liquid, the liquid that would end this torture. He stared at it, willing it to come to him. He glared at it when it wouldn't.

"Thought you might need it," Sirius laughed and handed it to him. James detected a sort of guilt flash in his eyes, but then it was gone and he blamed it on his hangover.

He drank the glass dry as soon as it landed in his hands. He handed it back to his friend and dropped his head back on the bed, allowing himself to feel the pain slowly leave his head.

"Thanks, mate," he muttered, his mood improving as the pain ebbed away.

"No problem," he replied. This time James definitely detected something and he couldn’t blame it on his headache.

"Are you alright, Padfoot?" he asked with a sense of unease. Somehow he didn’t like this change in his friend. Sirius looked a bit startled by the question, but shook his head as if to clear it.

"Me? Oh yea, just fine and dandy," he smiled, "how about you Prongs?" he asked in return. James knew he was changing the subject, but he just needed to focus on remembering last night. He made a mental note to ask him about it later.

"What happened last night?" he asked as he rubbed his forehead.

"I think you drank every single drink available to you in the entire Hogsmade," Sirius joked, or at least tried to.

"And how did I get back here?" he asked in a pained voice, somehow the hangover cure wasn’t working very well at the moment, as he rubbed his eyes.

"Back from where?" another voice asked. James opened his eyes and saw Remus standing at the dormitory doorway. Truthfully, James didn’t want to answer, but apparently he didn’t have the choice to that.

"Getting hammered in Hogsmade," Sirius quipped. Remus looked at James with a skeptical frown rising. James closed his eyes again. He was definitely not in he mood for this.

"What for? You haven't done that since last year, and even then you didn’t get so bad as too lose an entire day of lessons," he told him. Sirius looked at James.

"You should tell him you know," was all he said. Remus glanced at him, for a split second, before returning his gaze to the lying form on the bed.

"Tell me what?" he asked curiously. If it had to do with James returning to his last year ways, then maybe it was time for them to get concerned.

"About him and Lily," jumped Sirius in a matter-of-fact tone, the same time James had said,

"Nothing," while trying to massage his head. Why was hangover getting worse? If it didn’t hurt so badly, he would have gotten up and strangled Sirius.

"You and Lily?" Remus questioned another eyebrow rising. "What about you and Lily?"

Sirius turned to look at James, who was still lying across the bed, his hands on his head, pressing his temples, his eyebrows also raise, and nudging in Remus' general direction. James was feeling very aggravated with his best friend and raised his middle finger to him.

"What about you and Lily?" he repeated his question.

Silence followed and everyone remained still. James didn’t want to really tell Remus, perhaps just to spite Sirius, but as he tried to think about it more, he reasoned that Remus should know. And he would find out, because Remus always found out, sooner or later. During these ramblings in his mind, James heard someone move. It was Remus going to the bathroom, looking a bit ticked off. It was now or never. He pressed his fingertips into his scalp and took a deep breath.

"I slept with Lily," was all he said. It's all it took. This time when silence followed, it settled around them, no one, not even Remus moved. Hating all of it, James grabbed a pillow form the top of the bed and placed it over his head, hoping it would choke him to death.

00oo00oo00

Lady Luck ~> Sorry to say but this is nothing to the pain that will follow. Just wait and see

Babbling ~> Oh I will! I have too many plans for this fic to leave it like this! Do not worry I shan't let it die (sorry weird mood hehe). Thank you for calling my story different. I love it what people associate different with me. Do not worry I'd pick a dark and angsty fic over a light hearted one any day as well. That whirlpool of emotion that you mentioned? Well let me just say that it just a baby still hehe. Think about the title and then think of how many characters have it. We still have Sirius and Peter to torment! I love it!!!! (again I apologize for strange mood) Enjoy!!

Anonymous ~> Maybe I'll try that.. sounds good.. I'll let you know how it goes hehe.. and I don’t think you're odd, in fact I think you are quite sane actually. I love people who talk to objects (in fact my laptop is called James we have good conversations hehe)

Jesse81358 ~> There you go! A brand new chapter! What do you think?

JKR ~> tut tut tut, young lady! (or is it man?) Where did your little dirty mind go?

Anonymous ~> I've posted! How about that? You like?

Bananaslug22 ~> you think this far is painful? Just you wait and see * evil glint *

HAZY DAYZ ~> How about this.. if you give me that I'll delay the next chapter even more? Just kidding hehe

C(= ~> Hope this chapter gave you some idea of what will come but I don’t really think so because there are a few twists in this story hehe

Radcliffeluvslave ~> yea she's admitted it but what will she do? and what will he do? just wait and see!!! I've got a lot of things planed before things get even a smidgen better

Draco'sbabe137 ~> Darkness you say? Honey its complete blackness hehe cant wait to write it!!! Just stick around and see ;p

Magical Proof ~> Hehe hope you liked this chapter! But I wont be updating till next month unfortunately

Anonymous ~> yup I wish I could!!! But oh well.

Halfbloodedprincess ~> Twice? Nice! What did you think of it for a second time?

Anonymous ~> How's that? Fast enough? I just got you review.. well as I was finishing the chapter hehe

A/N hey people! This must be a shorter time frame that I've updated in a while! The reason for this would be I'm leaving today to visit my grandparents for a month and I have no access to the internet, and I just wanted to give you a small going away gift (yes from me to you. I know weird). I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the next one will be out next month. Love you all and hope you have a great summer!!!

6. Life on Standby

Life On Standby

The distance and my hearts to sand
Flowing through the hour glass
Time to let go of all we know
and break our hearts in stride.

I need you now more like yesterday
The last day I could see you smile.
For the last time turn out the lights
My life on standby.

So standby and watch
This fall away and fall apart.

Just say that it's over,
It's over and she's gone.
(NOW... SHE'S...GONE)

Don't worry he Said,
and she's not coming home.
(SHE'S.... NOT...COMING...HOME)

It's over and she's gone.

The distance and my hearts to sand
Flowing through the hour glass.
I fall to pieces, I can't let go
Of all the times I never said goodbye.

Just say that it's over,
It's over and she's gone.
(NOW... SHE'S...GONE)

Don't worry he said,
and she's not coming home.
(SHE'S....NOT...COMING...HOME)

It's over and she's gone.

WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
Wake up now it's over... just tell me it's ok to die

WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
Wake up now it's over... just tell me it's ok to die

Wake up now it's over... just tell me it's ok to die

Wake up now it's over... just tell me it's ok to die

HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS ~ Life on Standby

00oo00oo00

It was Friday, the day after the impact of James' drunken night. He hated every single minute of it. Now that Remus knew as well, he was beginning to feel paranoid. Everywhere he went, he thought that people were looking at him, talking about him. Judging him.

He contemplated in asking Remus or Sirius about it, but he thought better of it as he had already asked them more than once, and they were probably getting very aggravated with him. He shook his head once again and tried to focus on the lesson at hand.

He succeeded for less than a minute. History of Magic never interested him that much. He believed that whatever was in the past should stay there. It never did anyone any good, being stuck in the past. That’s where everything belonged.

He sighed deeply and gave another failed attempt to take notes.

Within seconds he lost track what the professor had said and went were he hated to go the most these days, his thoughts. One thing he knew for sure, he thought, he knew something was up with Lily.

No matter what he told himself to sooth his nerves, he couldn’t believe anything. There was no excuse for the way she kept on glancing his way, worry and guilt plastered on her face and in her eyes. Something was wrong, something didn’t fit quite right, and it drove him crazy!

Just let go! Why do you even care anyway? It couldn’t have something to do with you!

Yes, it could! And I don’t care!

Yea and I'm the bloody Queen of bloody England, nice to meet you.

Whatever. I still don’t care.

You really love this whole façade of indifference don’t you Jamie?

Don’t call me that! And its not a façade, I really don’t care!

Touchy, touchy. You know Jamie; the more you deny you care, the harder it will all hit you when you realize you do. I wish you good luck.

If I go down I'll be taking you with me, but there's nothing to worry about, as I DON’T CARE! And don’t call me that, ever again!

If you say so.

I do!

The internal conversation in his mind ended as the bell rang. Not wanting to listen to himself argue once again, he grabbed his bag and exited the classroom. His friends were right behind him wondered what was wrong.

"Prongs?" Sirius asked tentatively. James shook his head grumbling.

"Sirius, we have practice," was all he said and walked in the opposite direction of the dinning hall. His friends stared after him for a minute, before Sirius turned to Remus.

"When was the last time he ate exactly?" he asked with a hint of worry.

"I don’t know if a single toast counts, but if it does then this morning," he muttered solemnly. Sirius shook his head and went after James. After all they had a game with Slytherin the following day, and they hadn't practiced much.

00oo00oo00

Remus was in the Gryffindor Common Room. For some reason he was getting very aggravated, but he wasn’t sure as to why. Perhaps it was the lateness of arrival of his two best friends from Quidditch practice, or perhaps that the only person missing out from the Marauders was Peter, who went off somewhere after dinner but he himself knew nothing about it. Or perhaps it was due to his staring at a single redhead, wishing she'd go to bed already, so he can talk to the dark haired one, also known as Emma.

He shook his head at his stupidity. Why the hell did he have to go talk to her yesterday? Hadn't he promised himself that he wouldn’t let anyone on his secret? At least anyone, he didn’t want dead?

But at this present moment, none of this seemed logical to him. He always had trouble remembering why he broke it off with the only woman that made him feel alive in all the mystical death that surrounded him. Maybe that’s why she loved him? She could feel something different coming off him due to his "problem"?

But when he came to this point in his head, he always found himself disgusted with himself. Just because she loved him didn’t mean she wouldn’t stop after she found out. There were a few past cases where his girlfriends found out and would dump him where he stood.

That's why he broke up with her. He refused point blank to allow himself the pain of losing someone he loved to this, again. Especially after what had happened last year, to which if James had not been there, he would have killed someone.

Remus glanced around, as if to see if his thoughts would be safe to stray. He saw that Lily and Emma where still talking in the corner in hushed voices, glancing around and making sure not to be overheard.

Sighing he allowed himself to sink into the memory of that fateful day, wishing he could find a way to tell Emma.

It was cold that day, but nothing could prepare, him or his friends, for the coldness and occurrences of that night. It was a full moon as well, which was something he loved and hated in a paradoxical manner. Just before he had transformed, he glanced at the moon for a second. Within that second he could distinctly remember thinking that something was out of place, but with his transformation all human rationality and thought evaporated and he knew nothing of the night.

Except when he woke up the following morning to find two of his friends in hospital beds besides him, Severus Snape in another, while Peter stood at the door of the infirmary looking fidgety between the occupants of the room.

Something ominous struck at his heart and he immediately demanded the whole story from Peter. It took a while, but after many incoherent sentences, along with sideways glances in Sirius' direction, he got a full description of what had happened. It didn’t make me feel better.

He had almost killed someone. The thought still plagued his mind, even now, while he slept. Sirius had been stupid enough to let Snape know where he and the rest of the Marauders went every full moon.

When he found out what had happened that night, he tried as hard as he could to try and remember any bit of the night, but the only thing that stayed with him, was the smell of flesh and blood. He wondered whether he had smelled Snape or James.

James had found out what Sirius had done and ran to help Snape, not even bothering to transform into a stag. Apparently he himself had escaped the Shrieking Shack and ran towards them. Sirius, probably out of fear of his friend than anything else, ran to help, transforming into a dog.

No one had gotten bitten, he thanked Merlin for the millionth time since last year, but he was scarred nonetheless, albeit emotionally. He refused to allow himself to get close to anyone after that. He had broken up with Emma; he even tried to break off the friendship with those he came to call brothers. Yet they had refused point blank, though it was James, yet again, who tried his hardest to mend the rift between Sirius and himself.

Good old James, Remus thought. He shook his head and remembered their conversation last night. He looked so miserable.

Well not that it didn’t make sense, Remus thought again. He tried to remember when was the last time he had seen James smile from his heart. Again he shook his head unable to remember the specific time of the previous year when he began seeing James so down. But then again that was perhaps due to his inability to focus on anyone else's misery than his own at the time.

Something moved in the corner of his eye and his head snapped to its direction. Lily and Emma were having a whispered argument, but he didn’t fail to see their eyes darting to him every now and again. What caught his eye was Lily's sudden movement in standing up.

"Ask him," she urged Emma. Emma for some reason looked horrified and shook her head.

"No Lily. Please don’t make me. You ask him," she pleaded.

"Emma he's your cousin. You know you want to know just as much as I do. So just ask him," was Lily said before she turned to leave the common room, not giving Emma the chance to answer back.

Of course Remus hadn't heard the complete conversation but he was getting nervous nonetheless. For some reason he wished James and Sirius would walk in right about…. Now!

He stared at the hole. No one came in. He grumbled at his misfortune. But when he found himself sitting on the couch staring at the fire with the most beautiful woman in the world, he wondered whether or not he was unfortunate.

"Hi," was all she said. He could sense that she was nervous as well, so he made no move to get closer to her.

"Hi, Em," he replied. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. Emma felt a tingle of desire run through her, at the way he had said her name.

They sat together in silence, each wondering what to do next. They both had so many things to say to each other, they didn’t know where to begin. Emma cursed Lily for making her do this, while Remus cursed both Sirius and James for being at some stupid Quidditch practice.

"Err so where's James?" she asked cautiously. Remus became increasingly disappointed at the situation and began cursing James for different matters.

"Quidditch practice," he said in a monotone.

"Oh yea, the Slytherin match tomorrow," she pretended to forget. "How is he? I haven't talked to him in ages," she added, trying to bring the subject more into focus.

"He's fine. A bit down at present," he replied in the same tone.

"Remus can I ask you something about James?" she asked him. Might as well be blunt about it if she wasn’t getting the answers she wanted. Remus pretended not to be surprised, which wasn’t that hard, as he was more overcome with fear than anything else.

"Err sure," he muttered, glancing at the doorway. Why was practice taking longer than usual?

"Did James try to err hurt himself last year?" she blurted in a soft whisper. But Remus heard nevertheless, and his blood ran cold.

"What? Where'd you hear that?" he questioned her fast. He really had a bad feeling about this. He looked away. Where had she found out from?

He knew he wouldn’t be able to lie to Emma. That’s why their break up last year had almost killed him. Suddenly he felt her soft hand on his chin, guiding him to face her. He had nowhere to look but into her eyes.

"Remus, tell me the truth. Did James try anything? Ever?" She asked him in a low whisper. Remus had barely heard her though. He was too mesmerized by her eyes.

"Remus, I need to know. He's my cousin and I'm worried about him," she went on. Remus sighed and removed his chin from her hands and attempted to look away. He had succeeded, for a second.

"I know Em, but I'm not the one you should be asking. If something did happen to James, then its him you should be asking," he told her truthfully. She looked at him, examining his soul; he could feel her searching for more information. Something that he might have hidden within him.

"You're right. I'm sorry to have bothered you Remus," she said with a sigh and began to get up. His hand stopped her.

"You can bother me whenever you like," he whispered softly. Yet no matter the softness of his voice, the meaning of what he said lay heavily upon her.

"Remus…" she trailed off, leaving his name to linger between the two. They stared at each other, each of their eyes reflecting the other's. Remus contemplated whether to kiss her or not, but before he managed to make up his mind, it was decided for him. Emma moved her hand away from him and began to move away.

"Emma, I'm so very sorry," he whispered to her, not knowing if she would hear him. He could see the pain within her and he hated himself for causing it.

"It's alright Remus. You don’t have to explain anything," she told him, stopping in her tracks to look at him.

"Yes I do. I have to explain in order for you to understand what-" he tried to tell her, but she cut him off.

"I do understand Remus. You stopped loving me. You don’t have to explain anything. Really, it's quite understanda-" she tried to console herself, but this time he cut her off, with his lips.

He couldn’t stand hearing her like this. The fact that she thought he stopped loving her! As if such thing could ever happen, no matter how much he had tried. She plagued his mind, day and night.

"Don’t you ever think that I ever stopped loving you. If anything I love you more than I did then. That’s why I need to explain. You have to understand-" he was yet again cut off, but not because of her.

The portrait hole opened and the Quidditch team entered all of who were laughing and full of adrenaline. All but James, who glanced between Remus and Emma with a knowing look before making his way to their dormitory, he seemed to have decided to sleep with the Gryffindors. When Remus turned around to talk to Emma, she had gone.

For the thousandth time that evening, he cursed James and Sirius, if not for anything else, just showing up.

00oo00oo00

Sirius woke up early that Saturday with a start. He tried to remember what he had been dreaming of, but for some reason the only thing that came to mind was a white room. A room that looked significantly like the hospital private quarters. But it couldn’t be.. Could it?

He shook his head and looked over towards James' bed, before realizing that he wouldn’t be there. He always got up early on a Quidditch match day. He made his way to the showers, unable to shake a strange feeling in the base of his stomach.

00oo00oo00

James sat at the Gryffindor table, staring at his plate, incapable of touching his food. Besides the fact that he was nervous about the match, the essence of eating much escaped him these days. Was there any point?

"Are you going to just sit there and stare at it, or are you going to eat it?" a voice said behind him. His blood froze in an instant.

"What do you want Evans?" he muttered without turning around. He didn’t want to see her right now. He knew exactly how she looked, especially in the morning. He had memorized every inch of her when they were together last year.

"Just wanted to wish you luck before your game," she whispered softly to him. His heart beat faster. Why couldn’t he stop doing that? Why?

"Right," was all he said, in the same tone. They sat in silence for a few agonizing minutes, James staring at his plate, Lily staring between James and the table. She decided to sit beside him.

"James," she said in the same soft tone, leaning toward him. James sat straight up, almost knocking her over. She looked at him in mild surprise.

"I- I have to go to the pitch," he said hurriedly, quickly turning away and striding out of the Dinning Hall. Lily looked at her watch and sighed dejectedly. It was only 7 in the morning. Didn’t the match start at eight thirty?

James leaned against the stone wall, breathing hard. How is it, he hasn’t even touched her, yet she still managed to get him to hyperventilate? Life isn't fair, he thought.

He looked towards the stairs as he heard voices and footsteps. He made his way to the Entrance Doors as fast as he could. For some reason, he wanted to be alone for the moment.

00oo00oo00

Sirius rushed to the changing rooms. He was a bit worried when he didn’t find James at breakfast. He had usually waited for the entire team to come before he went to the pitch. He found him on the highest bench, looking at the cloudy sky.

"You ready mate?" he asked him as he approached and hovered next to him. James merely looked over at him.

"Mhmm," was all he said. He glanced up at the sky once more before getting up. "It's going to rain," he told him matter of fact. Sirius didn’t bother to argue with him. James was always right when raining was concerned, he thought as he looked up at the sky himself.

As they reached the bottom level, they both saw Emma approach them. For some reason Sirius' bad feeling increased tenfold, to the extent that he began feeling sick.

"Hey, guys. Sirius, do you mind if I talk to James alone for a second?" she spoke fast, in an almost urgent manner, without taking her eyes off James.

Sirius looked nervously between the two and although he wished he didn’t, he shrugged and nodded before continuing on his path. Emma watched him walk away from them for a few seconds before turning back to James, observing him closely. If he could speak him mind at that point, he would have said that it unnerved him greatly. But unfortunately he couldn’t think anything at that moment, as he had spotted Lily walking into the field directly in front of him.

"James?" Emma's voice brought him back to the reality, though his eyes kept glancing her way. He couldn’t bring his mind around the fact that she was doing exactly the same thing, while she was having an argument with Sirius?

"Yea?" he asked distractedly. Emma knew she would have to be drastic, so she lowered her voice, as much as she could.

"You know I love you right cousin?" she asked him. This caught some of his attention. After all, she'd never called him cousin.

"Yea?" he repeated again, yet with more caution than before. Something wasn’t right here.

"You would tell me if something was wrong right?" she went on, ignoring the nervous jitters she was beginning to get. She took a few deep breaths.

"Yea?" was all he managed to say. It was the only coherent word left in his mind at that moment. What the hell was going on? Well whatever it was he didn’t like it one single bit!

"Did you try to kill yourself last year?" she blurted out before she would have a second though. Yet as she did, she wished she hadn't.

The question hung in the air between them as he stared at her unblinkingly. His blood had run cold. He could have sworn his heart stopped beating. His muscles wouldn’t even work, to allow himself to run away. He could only stare, and blink.

"What? How?" he whispered. But things began registering in a very fast pace. His eyes darted to Sirius, then to the fiery redhead that was now staring at him anxiously, back to Sirius, who looked at him regretfully. He risked a chance at Emma. She wasn’t looking anywhere else but at him.

"Sirius," he whispered in repressed rage. Without saying another word to Emma, he strode toward his "best friend". He couldn’t believe it! Why would he do that? Did he enjoy seeing him in pain? Before he knew it, he was in front of him.

"I cant fucking believe you told her!" he shouted at him. "Can’t you ever keep your mouth shut, Black? I don’t know how I could ever think you could keep this to yourself!" he began to walk away, but Sirius grabbed his arm.

"James, let me explain! You have to just let me explain," he tried to reason, but he didn’t get the chance to explain. Without control or thought, James' hand formed a fist and connected with his jaw. Sirius struggled to keep standing.

"Fuck you, Black," James snarled before spitting at his feet and turning on his heel to walk away.

No one stopped him. James wished someone did. He wished someone would stop him, then beat him to the pulp. He wanted that someone to be Sirius, his best friend.

But no one came. Until it was too late.

00oo00oo00

"Have you seen James?" Abigail Davies, the new fourth year Gryffindor beater, asked Remus anxiously. Remus looked at Sirius, Lily and Emma before looking back at Abigail.

"No, we haven't seen him," he muttered dejectedly. He had just heard what had happened. He was up in the stands, getting ready to commentate. He wondered what took so long for the Gryffindor team to show up, so he came down to find out what had happened. He wished he hadn't now.

"Madam Hooch said that if we don’t go on in 5 minutes we're going to be disqualified," she told them in a frustrated manner, before walking off. There ware various reasons she was a beater and her quick temper was one of them. Remus watched her walk away before turning back to the others.

"Any ideas?" he asked them in a low tone. He couldn’t bear to see his friends so shattered, so he kept glancing everywhere else. There were no answers, but if he would be frank, he knew that they would be none.

"What about the map?" he asked Sirius. Sirius looked at him intensely as he glanced between him and the girls.

"This isn't the time to hide anything like this Padfoot," he almost growled at his friend. He watched his friend hang his head. He would have felt sorry for him had this entire mess not been his fault.

"What map?" Emma asked them, feeling left out of the conversation. But it wasn’t Remus or Sirius that answered.

"It’s a map that shows the exact location of everyone on the castle grounds," Lily told her. Everyone looked at her.

"He told you? I can't believe he told you!" Sirius shouted incredulously. This time everybody looked at him. He cowered away from the glares.

"Fine thing for you to say Padfoot," Remus told him, this time neglecting to hold back his growl.

"Right," he went on, as he ignored Sirius, "Lily you should go inform McGonagall, that the match might not take place, Emma -" Remus began, but someone stopped him.

"There's no need to do that," a voice behind them said. They all turned around to see James, looking more tired than usual. But he wasn’t watching them; he couldn’t bear it, so he looked straight a head as he passed them by.

"James!" Lily shouted after him. He stopped for a few seconds, without turning around. Without even realizing it, Lily held her breath, which was let out when he shook his head and left them standing at his wake.

"Padfoot, we have to go," he said. Sirius began to move toward the pitch, but stopped beside Lily, "You should talk to him when the game finishes, you know," he told her. She could do nothing but nod, as she still stared at the same spot where James was last seen.

00oo00oo00

"And now, Ladies, Gentlemen and Slytherins! The moment we have all been waiting for!" Remus called out from the commentator's stand, ignoring the boos and the laughter from the crowd.

"Introducing the Slytherin team! This year, it appears Captain Mollien has gone for size than actual talent this year. I am glad that he has chosen a different strategic from captains before him," he went on, earning more laughter from the students. McGonagall growled behind him.

"And on with the team! Mollien, Long and Snape are the beaters, Avery and Malfoy are this years, chasers, while a new Keeper has been found to replace Daniels, that would be Richards and the remaining member is Black as seeker!" the Slytherins cheered on loudly.

"For the Gryffindor team! We have James Potter back as Captain this year, also as chaser, along with Bishop and Williams. Abigail Davies, working with Black has filled replacing the position of beater for Robertson. Gryffindor keeper is Clayton, while another new member, replacing last year's seeker, Thomas, we have Malcolm Fox!" Remus called out with a lot more enthusiasm than before.

"The captains shake hands. Madam Hooch blows the whistle and they're off!"

From the very beginning, the game seemed to take a very interesting turn. James being in a not so good mood seemed to have shifted the dynamics of the team. He didn’t go along with the strategies that they had been practicing for so long. Malcolm knew he had to spot the snitch early in the game, otherwise they could very well lose the game.

"Slytherin scores! 10-0!" Remus shouted. Many grunts and boos were heard from the crowd, but none as noisy as the Slytherins' triumphant yelling.

Come one James! Focus! James shouted at himself. He knew he had to follow the strategies they had been working on, but for some reason his body didn’t listen to his mind.

He saw Snape fly over to Avery and telling him something before turning and pointing at Sirius. His anger grew twice as much. He knew they were planning something and no matter how pissed off he might be with his best friend, he was still just that.

He only had seconds to react when both Snape and Avery threw the bludgers at him. He flew as fast as he could to Sirius' direction. Apparently he had seen only Avery hit the bludger, while the other one was coming from behind him.

"Sirius behind you!" Remus yelled as loud as he could.

But there was no time, as the bludger approached the Sirius, James flew behind him and punched it as hard as he could. Everything fell silent for a grand total of 10 seconds, where the rest of the chasers of the Gryffindor team found the chance to score a few more goals, as the keeper of the Slytherin team felt obliged to stare at the Gryffindor Captain. Everything went back to normal as Remus shouted out the latest score.

"70-60 to Slytherin!" his voice boomed in the pitch. There was a fair share of booing and victory yells.

For those 10 seconds, Sirius stared at James before looking down at his bruising hand. James stared back, with empty indifference in his eyes.

"James…" Sirius began, but got interrupted by Remus' announcement, and turned quickly to look up at the scoreboard. When he turned back to see James he had gone, flying off in the direction of the goals with Abigail.

Lily stared after him as he flew around the pitch with a pain weighing on her heart. That had to hurt, she thought, but then she mentally slapped herself. Compared to all the pain he'd been through this past six month, that had to feel like a pinch. She cringed as she blamed herself for everything, her eyes remaining on James, watching him closely.

"And Malcolm goes in for a dive! Has he seen the snitch? Yes he has! And Black follows, hot on his tail! This is going to be a close one!" Remus' voice failed to conceal his excitement as the two seekers dove to the ground.

In the mean time the rest of both teams worked harder than ever to score a few more goals in, incase the game would indeed finish. Except for one individual of the Slytherin team. Snape eyed James zooming around, hatred boiling up inside him. How dare he interfere with his plan! Bloody arrogant bastard! He thought. He saw a bludger in his line of vision as he decided on revenge. He flew towards it.

"And Malcolm gets it! Gryffindor win! 100-260 for Gryffindor!" But his voice could barely be heard through the crowd's cheering, but he smiled contently as he continued to celebrate.

Snape reached the bludger just as the score was being announced. Perfect timing, he smiled devilishly. He aimed and hit it as hard as he could to James' direction.

James was celebrating the victory with the rest of his teammates, anger slightly forgotten. Sirius found the opportunity to try and talk to him. He never got the chance before he heard a scream from the crowd. It was Lily, but what was she shouting? It was unbelievably hard to hear anything, but he followed to where her hand was pointing. A bludger heading for James. Without thinking he shouted to him as well.

"James!" but it was too late. He was hit square in the back, the contact pushing him forward where he fell towards the ground. Unconscious.

And slowly, the rain began falling.

00oo00oo

A/N Hey everyone! You people must really really hate me right now hehe. I'm really sorry for the delay in this chapter. Its been ready for ages but it took sometime fixing everything up as well as school interfering in my life again. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I'm sorry but I wont be answering reviews from now on as it takes even more time which I don’t really have at the moment. When everything settles back into normal I might go back to writing them. Again hope you all enjoy it and review1 Love you all!!! xxx

7. Everybody Hurts

Everybody Hurts

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade)
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)

ooOOooOOoo

Despite not wanting to leave his friend, Sirius tried to make his way back to his dormitory, tormented by images of a falling James.

He shook his head, collapsing in his bed. Rubbing his red eyes, ridding himself of unwanted tears, is how Remus found him. He stood at the doorway, watching his friend silently contemplating whether or not to disturb him.

“You coming in or not, Moony?” Sirius' voice softly interrupted his thoughts. The sound of it broke his heart. Devoid of joyfulness and something that can only be called siriusness. He remained lying on the bed, covering his eyes. In Remus' eyes, it seemed as if he had shrunk and faded against the dark bedding.

It was unnerving to see him like this. He had only seen him like this once and that was enough to last him a lifetime. When James swore he would stop what he was doing the year before, he truly believed that that was going to be the end of watching his friends in misery.

“I'd rather not. I already have one friend in a coma, don't particularly fancy watching another one fall into one,” he said grimly, turning to leave.

“It's all my fault,” Sirius whimpered silently from the bed. Remus sighed deeply with a heavy heart.

“No it isn't Padfoot,” he replied softly as he closed the door.

“Yes. Yes it is,” he answered, uncovering his eyes and revealing streams of tears. But there was no one to hear him.

ooOOooOOoo

Remus made his way down to the Gryffindor common room staring at his feet, unaware of watchful eyes. He reached the couches by the fire, accepting the glowing distraction and the warmth it offered him.

He silently began to wonder how things got to be so bad, between his friends, between Lily and James, even between him and Emma.

As she entered his mind, her scent flooded his senses and he prepared himself for their encounter.

“Hi, Remus,” she whispered uneasily, not knowing how to act. She stood close to the couch, playing with her hands.

“Emma,” was all he said to acknowledge her presence; it was all he could do to hide his racing heart. He no longer knew how to act around her, despite how his eyes watched every single move she made, how his heart rate increased when she smiled, how he would tremble as she looked at him.

Besides, he reasoned, was there any point in hoping after something that was most probably dead? Especially after the way he had treated her. He shook his head at his stupidity.

“Err, Remus?” he looked at her, stepping out of his morbid and self-loathing thoughts. “You mind if I sit down for a sec?” she asked him shyly.

“Sure,” she replied, taken aback from the question. He moved slightly to allow her some space, more out of creating some sort of distance between them than anything else.

He knew what would happen if he had looked at her at that moment, so he tried his hardest not to, but it was in vain. The moment he glanced at her, all previous thoughts and emotions rushed back to him mixed with new waves of self-disgust and hatred. How stupid and selfish he must have been to have let her go, with no explanation or any chance to be forgiven. Perhaps she would have still wanted him in her life. Perhaps nothing would have changed. Perhaps she would have learnt to love him for who he was. Perhaps.

But it was too late now. There was no redeeming himself anymore. What's done is done and due to his fears and doubts, he couldn't explain now. He had hurt her too much to ask her something as great as to be forgiven. He didn't even know if he could forgive himself.

“How are you doing?” she asked tentatively, as if cautious of his thoughts.

Miserable.

“Considering the circumstances not bad,” answered vaguely, willing his eyes to look away from her.

Unable to remove his eyes and mind from her form, he watched her nod inattentively as she stared at the fire before them. He was mesmerized once again, as he watched the fire illuminate every single strand of her hair like an angel. Her face that had appeared tired when she first approached now seemed to be refreshed. He only looked away when she turned to face him.

“How's Sirius coping?” she asked, equally as tentatively.

“Not so good. He blames himself,” he relied quietly, as if that simple statement explained it all. It did.

Silence fell between them as they stared ahead into the darkening fire.

“Lily?” he finally asked, not quite sure he wanted to find out. As she sighed deeply his heart beat faster.

“Considering the circumstances, very bad,” she replied as if in pain. “She's still at the hospital wing. She refuses to leave his side. She blames herself.”

Remus nodded grimly. He knew she would.

How had things gotten this way, he wondered. Where were the times when they were fifteen and without a care in the whole world? They had been sheltered from the war that was raging outside these walls, yet it seemed that fate had found other ways to rob them of their childhoods, thrusting them so violently into adulthood. A life that so far seemed made out of lies, betrayal, hatred, pain, suffering and loss. He doubted those around him wanted this life any more than he did.

All he wanted to do was turn back time, have his best friends back as well as the love of his life, but he knew that there was nothing he could do about it.

He sighed and shook his head again. It was becoming a habit that he knew would last a lifetime.

“Are you ok Remus?” Emma's melodious voice broke through his mind bantering. He looked at her, devouring her though his glazed eyes.

“What happened to us Emma? What went wrong?” he asked her desperately. It was a stupid question, he knew that but he wanted to know how she felt.

“I don't know what you're talking about Remus,” she replied coldly, determined to avoid the subject he wanted to talk about. But Remus persisted.

“To us! What went wrong? To you and me,” he was being stupid and he knew that, but for some reason that didn't seem like an important enough motive to stop.

She looked away from him as she took in a deep breath. When she looked back at him, her eyes were cold with suppressed rage and pain. He never realized until this moment, the extent of the pain that he brought on her. All this time he was too involved on how lonely and in pain he himself was that he didn't even realize that those closest to him were suffering as well; James, Lily, Sirius, Emma…

“I don't know what happened, Remus, you never told me. I never found out. You broke up with me without an explanation, remember?” her voice came out in a tone that matched the coldness in her eyes. She got up to leave.

“I didn't want to,” he blurted out, making her stop in his tracks. She turned to face him, her emotions visible through her questioning eyes.

“I didn't want to break up with you,” he repeated in a soft voice, as if begging her to stay and forgive him. Trying to convey to her how much he missed her and still loved her.

For a second it seemed like it had worked, her resolve appeared to be melting away, but when he blinked it was gone, and her eyes were flashing with renewed anger.

“But you did Remus. You did, and that makes a shit load of difference,” she hissed at him.

This time there was nothing he could do but watch her walk away from him and disappear into her dormitory.

So taken was he by the way she looked and what she had said, that he didn't even become conscious of a dark figure passing through the shadows beside him, making his way through the portrait hole.

ooOOooOOoo

So slowly did he walk, that he made no noise. So entwined was he with the shadows, that he could not be seen.

He wanted to be by his best friend's side until he woke up, no matter how long it would take for that to happen. He was unable to sleep as memories he had only began to forget came back to haunt him with a vengeance.

A shiver went up his spine as he remembered every detail of the worst day of his life. He shut his eyes for a few seconds, allowing his memories to punish him for what he did. Never until that day could he shake the image of so much red against so much white.

He knew where James had gone after he had punched him. He, Sirius Black, drove his best friend back into the isolated hole of darkness where they had found him last year; making him swear to stop and being there for him until they were satisfied he was able to sleep properly.

It was Sirius that had found him. He had insisted on them going out that night, to have fun over the victory of Gryffindor getting the cup final. He had said that he was tired and was going to rest. That alone had to have been enough to make him stay. No matter how tired James ever was, he would always celebrate Gryffindor's victories. He had not seemed himself for weeks; he had been distant, quiet, buried in darkness and solitude.

Sirius and James had always shared a special bond, one that had always made Remus and Peter to feel slightly like outsiders, he knew. So alike yet so very different at the same time, like they were meant to be brothers. He felt a flood of pain and misery pierce his chest the moment they walked out the door. He had an intense desire to turn around and stay with him. Yet all he did was to stare at the door for a few seconds, before being summoned by Peter's joyful shouting.

It was when that same pain, shot through him fiercer than ever before, that made him bolt from the festivities that surrounded him and run as fast as he could to find James. He found him in their dormitory, and for the first few seconds he though that everything was alright.

“James?” his voice was soft and quiet, yet it cut through the shadows of their room as if he had shouted out. His heart beat louder in response. It was all so still and wondered if James was really in the room. He walked quietly to his bedpost in case he was asleep.

Pushing the curtains out of view, he saw him lying there, so very still. Everything seemed to be ok, but the pain had not eased. He turned on the lights, revealing his worse fears.

James was lying on his bed. He would have been thought to be sleeping, had his sheets not been covered in blood, blood that escaped for two great cuts on both of his arms. Sirius could only stare as the blood flowed openly from the lines that lead from his brother's wrists all the way to his elbow. He fell to his knees, calling his name.

“Padfoot?” the weakness in the voice that called after him made the tears come out freely. He looked up to his friend's face; so weak and pale.

“Don't talk. I'll get help. Please don't talk, Prongs,” was all he could say. As he tried to get up, James held his hand, stopping him.

“I'm-I'm sorry, Pad-paddy,” he whispered as his eyes began to shut once more.

“James!” Sirius shouted, unable to keep the panic and sorrow from his voice.

Sirius didn't think he might have had enough time to go find someone and bring them here. He looked around in terror, before running to his bed. He tore his sheets and wrapped James' forearms as fast as he could. As he managed to pick his limb body out of his bed covers, Remus and Peter walked in.

Remus took one look at James, his bed and a small pocketknife on the floor and ran to Sirius. Peter took a while longer to realize what was happening.

“Sirius?” Remus said, unable to say anything else. Sirius couldn't keep the tears from coming anymore and just stared at him.

“Have to take him to the Hospital Wing,” he muttered and began making his way to the door. Peter stared at James as he flattened himself against the open door.

Everything became hazy after that. He remembers running as fast as he could, in the shadows, Remus and Peter right behind them.

He sat there all week until he woke up. He didn't eat, he didn't go to class, didn't talk, he just sat there, his mind overflowing with red images of James and how life would be without him. He tried to shake those thoughts out of him mind. He wasn't going to die. He's going to be alright, he had to be.

Remus would some times keep him company in his silence. When he was alone with James, all he could do was apologise to him, for not staying with him that night, for thinking that he could work through everything on his own, for letting him sink into this, for not knowing what had driven him to this.

He didn't realize he was leaning against a wall, breathing heavily as tears ran down his cheeks, as the memories filled his mind. It was all real all over again, the pain, the sorrow, the self-blame and loathing. He took in a few more deep breaths as he tried to steady himself.

He couldn't do this now. He had to be strong for his friend, his brother. He would do whatever it takes to take care of him and set everything straight again.

As he reached the Hospital Wing, he saw that he was not the only one there.

ooOOooOOoo

She wasn't sure how long she'd been there, watching him sleep. She wasn't even sure as to why she there. Guilt? Self-pity? Nowhere else to go? Or was it that she didn't want to be anywhere else other than by his side? He wasn't really favouring her at the moment; not after everything that's happened.

Despite the fact that he was unconscious, she was oddly comforted by the fact that they were in the same room without all the snarling and bitter words. She knew she had deserved all of it , even what Sirius had said about her, but it didn't mean it didn't hurt.

Yet she would give up anything to exchange the grim peace that had settled in the room with having James awake and hating her.

As she sat next to him, she looked down at his moonlit face and traced his cheekbones, wishing in vain for his lifeless lips to smile. She knew he wouldn't, even if he was awake he wouldn't have. He hadn't smiled in her presence since last year. She wasn't even sure he had smiled at all since last year.

Tears began to escape her eyes finally realizing how much she had missed him and how much she had missed when she walked away from him that night.

Unconsciously she reached for his hand in the dark.

“I'm so sorry James,” she said through her tears, “for everything, I'm so sorry.”

And so she sat by him, not even whipping the tear streaks that ran down her chin, never moving her eyes from James' sleeping form, unaware of the two silver eyes watching her in silent awe.

ooOOooOOoo

Sirius remained by the door of the Hospital Wing, watching her from the shadows; watching her every move, witnessing her every tear, hearing every word.

She had never shown this side of her before, he thought. She appeared so human, no longer the untouchable and evasive goddess, unable to do wrong as she seemed with everyone all the time. Only yesterday he himself had thought that she was devoid of emotion.

He had always mocked James' fascination with her, but now he saw what James had seen. She was beautiful, human with the ability to cry and laugh, just like him. It struck him now, how hard it must have been for her, why she hid behind a mask.

He wondered if James had been the only one that had seen who she was. Had she subconsciously allowed him in, some seven years ago when they had first met, only to have James blow it in less than five minutes? Had she marked him as the one that would break her mask and know her?

A secret kind of respect grew for both Lily and James as a sense of shame grew for the way he had acted toward them. He thought his friend a fool and thought of her as a bitch that didn't deserve the light of day.

But as he saw what James had seen, he felt privileged to be one of the few people that had seen the true beauty that is Lily Evans and how perfect the both of them were together.

“I love you James,” a simple sentence that blew him out of his reverie. No matter how many times he blinked he found no evidence that it had been said, yet he continued to stare over to where Lily had rested her head on the bed, her hand firmly around James' hand.

He moved, without realizing, and as he approached her sleeping form and placed the Invisibility Cloak over her. Although his eyes hurt from the amount of tears that had left him he gave a small smile.

“I know you do Lily,” he said to her, before vanishing into the darkness.

ooOOooOOoo

A/N : hey guys sorry if you been waiting for this for ages, but my laptop hasn't been working at all lately so been writing bit by bit like once a month so yea…hope you enjoy it and don't forget to review xxxxxx

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