How Many Ways

One… Faint, Please!

Disbelief was the only word for it. After everything he’d said and done over the years, there was absolutely no way… I wasn’t falling for him. Nobody could fall for the guys like him and come out still alive in the end. It was impossible.

At least, that’s what I thought when I first realized it.

I dismissed the idea as some kind of fluke- a spell- a trick of the light- anything but what I’d imagined it was.

There was no way that I was in love with James Potter.

Okay, so maybe he wasn’t completely horrible looking or incredibly stupid… But he was many things that I’d fought against for seven years. Seven years! My entire school life, I’d been ignoring him and turning him down… Only to find myself in love with him. It just wasn’t right.

No- not love… Just like. I only liked him… And it was just a bit.

Not that I realized it right off. It was slow and unsuspected, as most utterly shocking things are- but when I did realize it… Merlin, I didn’t know what was wrong. I immediately went to Madame Pomfrey to have her check me up. As it turned out, I didn’t have any kind of virus or any damage to my brain, so I set it aside as some stupid little lapse of my intelligence… imagination… thought… something.

My plan to forget the thought worked fine- for about a week. Then, one day, I was sitting in Charms, packing away my things, when I looked up and saw him. He looked so confused- waving his wand about, like he really hadn’t heard even a bit of the lesson. I didn’t doubt that he hadn’t. I watched him struggle for a few moments, before taking a deep sigh and heading over to his table. I hadn’t exactly meant to, but I felt that as Head Girl, I should at least help a fellow student in need… It simply wasn’t because it was him.

He had his back turned to me, obviously trying to get the charm right, so I took it upon myself to slip into the seat next to him. “Merlin, Padfoot, how am I supposed to do this?!” He ran his hand moodily through his hair and frowned.

“First of all, you’re doing the wand movement all wrong.” I said. He jumped and twisted around. “And second of all, I’d rather you not confuse Sirius Black with me… It’s disturbing.”

Sirius Black was James’s best friend… Two were practically inseparable. It was a rather rare shock to see the two apart. They were so close, in fact, that most thought the two to be brothers.

“Oh… erm… Hello, Lily.”

I smiled slightly. “You looked like you needed some help.”

“Oh… Well… I don‘t-”

“Oh, come on, James, you know better than I do that you have no idea what you’re doing.” I noticed my slip-up a moment too late… I’d called him James. I never called him that.

He shrugged, but I was entirely positive he heard it too. How could he not? “All right. Show me what I am doing wrong, then.”

“You’re not really doing anything wrong, it’s just the way you move your wand. It has to be one easy wave, sort of, not a sharp jab.” I pulled my chair closer to the desk. “Let me see you try.”

He laughed weakly and lifted his wand. “Never thought I’d be getting tutored by the infamous Lily Evans.” he chuckled.

I laughed and shrugged casually… Or, at least, it might have been casual- if I hadn’t bumped into his shoulder… And blushed like a little school-girl. I couldn’t just start blushing around someone I’d gone to school with for nearly seven years! Not only that, but I wasn’t at all a little school-girl. I was a… a seventh year school girl. And Head Girl, at that.

He had to grace not to say anything about it, though, so I didn’t either.

*

In no time, he threw down his wand and grinned confidently. “Thanks for helping me, Lily. I think I‘ve just learned more in the last couple minutes than I have all year.”

“Well… I doubt that, but I’ll be here anytime.”

To my annoyance, it came out rather… flirty. I smiled at his look of surprise and looked away, hoping he hadn’t heard it, too. I was a bit surprised, however, that he didn’t try to mess up his hair like he used to do when I was around. I almost wished he would. Instead, he just chuckled softly and was about to say something when the bell rang and Sirius stumbled into the classroom, quietly closing the door behind him. He shuffled guiltily over to their desk, looking over his shoulder as he went, probably having just completed some sort of dangerous prank and nearly been caught.

I jumped out of his seat hurriedly and snuck over to my desk before he could say anything to me. Sirius always had something to say every time I was around James, and I’d learned to stay away when the two were together to avoid unnecessary embarrassment.

I grabbed my things from my desk and made to exit the room before anyone else, to avoid an awkward situation, but James caught me. “So… You have Arithmancy next, no?” he asked.

I laughed softly. Was he really about to attempt a civil conversation? Normally, with James Potter, our civil conversations led to him asking me out… Which led to me yelling. Of course, that was before I realized I cared for him.

No, I didn’t think that!

I nodded.

“Would you mind if I walked you there, then?” he asked hopefully. It was the first time he’d asked to go anywhere with me since the beginning of the year.

To my surprise, I shrugged. “All right.”

He looked taken aback. “You- you… Really?”

“Well… If you don’t want to, then that’s fine.” I said casually.

Just because I thought I liked the guy didn’t mean I would lay down at his feet and yell, ‘Take me, I’m yours!’ Nah, I’d make him work for it, if he still liked me. He hadn’t even bothered to ask me out since our sixth year. Merlin, I don’t even know if he liked me then- for all I know, he could’ve been on a dare- ask me until I go on a date, then dump me. Or he might have just wanted to bother the only girl he couldn’t get. Who knows?

“So are you going to the game this Saturday?” Yep- he was aiming for the civil conversation.

I decided I’d play along. Besides, I could always take him up on that date if he asked me. “I’m not sure yet.” I replied honestly. “I already have four essays to do- and I need to practice the Transfiguration bit… So it depends how much more homework I get today and tomorrow…”

He sighed. I couldn’t help but feel bad… Did he really want me to go? It wasn’t a Gryffindor game, or anything, so it wasn’t like I would miss out on anything if I didn’t. “Yeah. Homework.”

“What class do you have next?” I asked, after a pause.

“Oh… Care of Magical Creatures.”

“Won’t you be late?”

He smirked. “Since when has that bothered me? Or you, for that matter.” He looked at me over the top of his glasses. I felt like a dozen snitches had been released in my stomach. I blushed slightly and looked out a nearby window as we passed it.

“Then again, since when have I let you walk me to class?” I said quietly.

He made a sudden movement, as if to take my hand, but stopped, like he’d thought better of it. I smiled inwardly.

“That’s true.” he agreed. His voice sounded slightly strained.

“Well… here’s my class…” I stopped and turned to him. Working up what was left of my courage, I bit my lip and looked up at him. “James… Would… would you go to the game with me?” I stumbled horribly over my words and it only made me more nervous. “I don’t think the professors will give us too much work, you know, it being a game weekend and all- besides, I can always do it Sunday, if I have to and-”

“I…” he hesitated. “I can’t.”

“Oh… well, that’s okay… Thanks for walking me to class, Potter.” With my face burning in humiliation, I disappeared into the Arithmancy classroom without a backward glance, even when he called out my name.

I hurried to my desk at the back of the room and fell into my chair. After chasing me for six years he turned me down? The corners of my eyes were starting to burn, much to my dismay. I couldn’t be crying over him…

My best friend, Michelle, slid into the seat next to me and sighed. “I swear- if I have to hear one more time about those bloody… Lily?” She leaned forward in her seat and frowned. “What’s wrong?”

I bit my lip to keep the tears from coming. Slowly, I hung my head and whispered, “James.”

“What, did you tell him you like him or something?” She opened her bag and pulled out her Arithmancy book.

“How- why… where?”

She looked like she was trying not to laugh. “Merlin, Lil, I was just ribbing you… I didn’t think you really… Do you?”

I groaned and threw my head onto my arms, on the table in front of me. “No! Yes! Maybe. I don’t know!”

“You know what you need Lil?” Michelle asked. She gazed thoughtfully at her pile of books before stacking them back in her bag. “A little break. You need to do something other than essays.” She smiled. “You need something other than James.”

“What do you mean?” I muttered.

“I mean that you two have been together every spare moment on your Head duties between your tutoring the little kids and his Quidditch practice. You just need a bit of time away from that. I imagine it isn’t all fun.”

All her things neatly packed away, she turned to mine. A few spare bits of parchment had fallen out of my bag when I’d thrown it down. “I guess not…”

“You’re a good actress. Close your eyes and keep a straight face, all right?” She shoved the parchment into my open bag.

I lifted my head slightly, so I could peek out at her over one arm. “What?”

“Just do it!”

“All right…” I sprawled myself out on my desk and chair.

“Professor!” Michelle called in a worried voice. “I think Lily fainted- may I take her to the hospital wing? She’s been looking peaky all day…”

There was no reply, but I could all but hear the professor waving her hand in approval from behind her magazine, like she always did when she got to the gossip section.

Michelle took both our bags and hoisted me onto one shoulder. “Okay, it’s fine. She isn’t looking…” she whispered.

I opened my eyes and we looked at each other for a moment before grinning and sprinting from the room.

*

“Ahhh… This is nice.” Michelle sighed. She was sipping a butterbeer, lounged out on one of the many giant pillows in the room. It was definitely my favourite room in the entire castle.

In second year, after a particularly long and tedious study session with the Ravenclaws in our year, we wandered down to the kitchens, in hopes of securing a midnight snack before we separated and went to our common rooms (Michelle was a Hufflepuff, I was a Gryffindor). While there, James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin came in. Michelle and I hid out of sight while they gathered armloads of food from the tiny elves. They were talking about a secret room in the East Wing by the statue of Corgy the Confounded. We didn’t even bother trying to pretend like we weren’t listening- not that they knew we were there, anyway.

For days, Michelle and I entertained the idea of finding this secret room- and eventually decided it might just be worth it.

Merlin… It was.

Ever since, it had been our favourite place to hide from… people, homework, anything. As far as we knew, the Marauders (as they started calling themselves in fourth year) knew about the room, but only visited it rarely, or not at all. And, as far as we knew, they didn’t know we knew of it.

So we had a perfect system.

“So… Did you really tell him you like him?” Michelle asked, plucking a chocolate frog from the pile of sweets between us.

“No… I asked him to go to the game with me.” I said meekly. I hid my face behind a box of Bertie Bott’s.

“He’s off his bloody rocker! What happened?”

“I got done early in Charms… And he looked like he was having trouble, and Sirius wasn’t there, so I went over and helped him a bit. I just told him a few things he was doing wrong and showed him the right way… Then he asked if he could walk me to class, so I said he could… Then, right before I went in the class, I asked him.”

“And he said no?”

“No- not exactly… He said he couldn’t.”

“That’s all he said? ‘I can’t.’”

I nodded and pushed the box of Every Flavor Beans away. Sweets didn’t even sound good anymore.

“He must be mad. His two favourite things rolled into one, and he refuses… Like I said, he must be off his rocker! That sod…” As she said this, I bit my lip sadly.

“Aw, Lily, maybe because he has loads of work, too. You know how the professors are this year… They have to give us tons of stuff in our N.E.W.T year- it’s their job.” she said.

I snorted. “The day that James Potter misses a Quidditch game for anything but sheer will is the day Merlin dies.”

“Erm… Merlin is dead.”

“Oh… right.” I rolled my eyes and grinned. “Well, you know what I mean.”

“Or do I?”

We smirked at each other. I knew she was getting ready to start a pillow-fight… I could always tell by that face.

So I threw mine first.

*

That afternoon, I went out to the Quidditch pitch to watch the Hufflepuff team practice. Michelle insisted that I go; she forbade me to do any work at all that night. She usually asked me to go to the practices, but I’d never liked sitting in the stands by myself… But she forced me to go, as I apparently needed ‘fresh air, a change of scenery, and something to do.’ At least, that’s what she said. But, as I said, what did she know?

So there I was, sitting in the bottom row of the stands, watching the seven players take their warm-up flights around the pitch, feeling like a complete dolt. Sure, it was nice to not have to do work all night, but that didn’t mean I was having any fun.

I didn’t really know a thing about the rules, but I knew enough to see that Michelle was a pretty good player. Okay, so the team hadn’t done so great on their first game, but at the second one, against Ravenclaw, Michelle had managed to get the Snitch. They were scraping by with just enough points, that if they could win by at least thirty at their next game, they might actually have a chance at the cup. Bad thing was that Gryffindor was the only real competition… And I was completely, undoubtedly for Gryffindor.

I sighed uncomfortably and laid back on the bench. “Wonder if she’d miss me if I left…” I said to myself, staring up at the pink and blue sky.

“I would.”

I sat up hastily. I knew that voice… I’d know it anywhere. James. “What are you doing here?” I asked, without moving.

“What, am I not allowed at the pitch?” I tilted my head back a bit, to look at him. He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked carefully at me.

I shrugged and got to my feet. “Guess you are. I’m sure there are a set number of hours you have to spend here a week, and since you won’t be here Saturday, you have to make up for it now, no?” I turned my back on him to watch the practice again. I wished they would get done soon, so Michelle could save me from the uncomfortable situation I was in.

“Lily…” he frowned.

I turned to face him. “What?”

“It isn’t that I don’t want to go with you- believe me, I do… It’s just that I have… something else to do. Something I can’t really get out of.”

Our eyes locked and I realized just how tall he really was. And his eyes… They were so intense and… I felt like I could just fall into their depths. I knew he wasn’t lying.

Two… The Tutoring and The Tutor

I woke with an uncomfortable start. I sat up in bed and stared around, trying to find what woke me... The dorm was still dark and soft snores were coming from the four other four-posters in the room.

My two best friends (other than Michelle) were on either side of me. I could hear Kendra muttering softly, as she always did. On my other side, I knew Nora was deep in sleep- I considered waking her up, because she was the best listener I knew, and was awesome at advice, but everyone knew better than to wake her up… Her temper if she was woken for no reason was second only to mine.

I squinted over at the clock next to my bed… A little after four o’clock.

Instead of bothering my friends, I got out from under the warm covers and shivered. I switched my pajamas for a pair of jeans and a green turtleneck and grabbed my favourite book. I could at least get a bit of reading done, if not sleep.

*

“Lily?”

I jumped and looked around the common room. I didn’t know of anyone that got up early on a Saturday. It had been a while since I’d curled up in my favourite armchair and begun reading.

James was at the foot of the boys stairs, wearing an old Quidditch shirt and a pair of crumply jeans. He’d obviously just gotten up, because his hair was even messier than usual… Ooh, I just wanted to run my hands through it.

“Why are you down here so early?” he asked.

I smiled faintly at the look on his face. He almost looked worried. I held up my book to show him. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh.”

“What are you doing up? It’s almost seven… Isn’t that a bit early for one of the Marauders on a Saturday?” I grinned. “From what I hear, you sleep loads, yet you’re still pretty hard to get up.”

“Nah, that’s Remus.” James said, walking over to the armchair closest to mine.

“Remus?” I snickered. “He gets up earlier than me, on most days.”

“Okay… So maybe you’ve got a point. You caught me.” His laughing eyes traveled around the common room, pausing on the warm fire.

“I always have a point, Potter.”

His eyes flicked to mine. “It’s James.”

“Hmm?” I put my eyes back on my book.

“My name. It’s James.”

“I know.” I shrugged.

“So use it.”

“I do.” I looked back up at him.

“Not always.” He cocked his head to the side and stared at me. “You did, what, once?”

“You don’t always call Remus or Sirius their first name. Maybe I’m copying you.”

“Doubt it. Besides, those are nicknames.”

“Maybe Potter is my nickname for you.”

“So you wouldn’t mind if I called you Evan?”

“What, like the guys name?”

“Yeah. Evan.”

“No, I really wouldn‘t.. I‘ve been called worse.”

“Are you always this stubborn?” James asked, after a pause.

I grinned up at him. “Always.”

James shook his head and smiled. “If you call me Potter, then I call you Lil.”

I frowned at him. “I hate it when people call me that.”

“Your friends do all the time.” he reminded me.

“Only when they are out to annoy me.” I said lightly, tilting my head to the side and smiling innocently at him. “And they know it makes me mad… But I can’t kill them because they’re my mates- and they know that.”

“So am I not one of your mates?”

I looked at him carefully. I wanted so badly to know if he liked me still… I wanted to reach over, run my hands through his hair… I wanted to snog the bloody guy senseless. “Yes… You’re my friend, James.” I said breathlessly, looking back down at the floor.

If only he knew what he was doing to me… It wasn’t fair, the way I came undone around him.

When I looked back up again, he was still looking at me. I stared back.

I felt like I was falling into his eyes… The way he was looking at me, I knew I wouldn’t be able to take it much longer. I was about to do something I just might regret.

So I tore my eyes from his, grabbed my book, and stood up. “I’d better go wake up the girls. They take forever to eat- and we don’t want to miss the match.” I gave him a quick smile and ran across the common room.

*

“No… seriously. You guys just go without me. I think I’m going to run by Madame Pomfrey’s. I’ve got a bloody headache that could wake a dead kneazle.”

“All right… But are you sure?” Kendra asked. She picked up her bag and looked carefully down at me. Michelle was the only one that knew what I asked James on Thursday afternoon… I didn’t want my friends to drag me out to the match, as I knew they would if they knew what had happened.

“I’m sure.” I smiled weakly. “I want to go see Michelle, anyway.” She’d had to go to the hospital wing the day before, because she had a fever and fainted twice… Which we both found to be extremely ironic, because of my ‘fainting spell’ in Arithmancy the day before.

Nora pushed a goblet of orange juice closer to my plate. “Drink this, okay? You’ll feel better. And don’t forget to say hi to her from us. And that we‘ll see her later. And-”

“Oh, come on, Nora- Lily isn’t forgetful like me, she’ll remember all fifty thousand things you’ve already told her. But if we don’t go now, we won’t get good seats! What if we have to sit with the Slytherins again? We did that once- I’ll have to curse you to bits if you make us late.”

“You’re the one who’s doing all the talking right now, Ken.” Nora swung her dark hair over her shoulder. “Besides, Quidditch isn’t all that-”

“Huh-uh…Nope. Don’t get me started.” Kendra interrupted. She looked annoyed, but her blue eyes were sparkling, so we knew she was feeling playful.

“Anyway, see you in a bit, Lily.”

I nodded. They waved sadly and headed for the entrance hall, along with everyone else. It seemed that the entire school was going… Except me.

I finished the rest of my bacon, watching the a few stragglers make their way to the door. Mostly, the people were Slytherins, as they were the only ones with guaranteed seats. The other three houses had no problems sitting with each other… But the Slytherins always had their own section to themselves… And there were always empty seats. Nobody was stupid enough to sit there.

Except once… Nora, Michelle, and I were running a bit late for a Gryffindor-Slytherin game, because we were adding the finishing touches to a banner for Kendra (it was her first game) and we got to the game right when it started. The only seats open were in the Slytherin section, where we set up her banner, with it’s flashing red and gold letters. Needless to say, the Slytherins were quite put out with the three of us… We were cheering loudly every time Gryffindor scored, or stole the Quaffle, or nearly hit a Slytherin player with the Bludger- anything to merit a cheer. We earned quite a few dirty looks and nasty glares, but it made it all the more fun for us.

For days after the match, we were considered celebrities- the only girls in the school brave enough to sit the entire match out next to the greasy Slytherins. I think even they looked up to us a bit.

A bit.

I drained my glass of orange juice and looked around. The hall was empty by the time I stood up and wandered lazily between the Hufflepuff and Gryffindor tables.

*

With a sigh, I set down my pile of books on the table. If I wasn’t going to the game, I may as well make good use of my time… And I didn’t have anything else to do.

I looked around the large room, full with it’s towering bookshelves, full of old, dusty books that were probably never read by choice. I walked slowly over to the Transfiguration row, hoping to find something to help me with my essay. It was my worst class by far, as I’d barely scraped by with an E on my O.W.L.’s- and that was just by luck. I bit my lip and ran a finger along the spines of the books in front of me, looking for the most helpful-looking book.

I considered asking James for help, but I had always been too stubborn to-

“Okay, so now, all you have to do is say the word- but be sure to say it right, or you might do the wrong spell… Believe me, I’ve done it loads of times.” someone laughed.

I felt my heart racing… I peered through a gap in the bookshelf, to a secluded, very quiet alcove sort of thing near the back of the library. It was a good place to study when the library was full, because it was away from all the other tables. My eyes grew wide as they fell on a tall boy with mess, jet-black hair… standing next to a little girl I knew to be a first year Hufflepuff by the name of Zoe Henderson. Both had their wands out, the boy’s in his hand, by his side; Zoe had hers pointed at the table that was cluttered with matches, quills, books, teacups, and rolls of parchment.

“James, I’m sorry you’re missing the game.” she said meekly, smiling up at him, dropping her arm to her side.

“Oh, it’s all right…” He flashed her that smile I knew so well… One that made every girl’s heat melt and her knees weak… Especially mine.

I did notice, however, that he hesitated slightly… Maybe he was thinking of me? I could only hope so.

Zoe sighed. “I don’t think I’ll ever get this.” She gazed longingly at the library door.

“It isn’t hard at all, once you get going. I promise, you’ll be better than me soon.” James nudged her in the shoulder with his elbow.

She giggled. “That would be really funny! A girl better at something than the big bad Head Boy?”

“That’s what the Head Girl is for.” James chuckled, taking a seat.

“Is she smarter than you?”

“In Charms she definitely is. And Herbology,” James laughed. “And… probably everything else, too.”

“Is she nice?”

“She’s very nice.”

“Pretty?”

“And she’s very pretty.”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding… James thought I was smart? And nice? And pretty?

“Then why don’t you marry her?”

James‘s elbow slid off his knee. “M-marry her?” James choked. A light blush crept up his cheeks… A deep blush crept up mine.

“Yeah. She’s smart and pretty and nice. Why can’t you marry her?”

“Erm… Well, I guess because we’re only seventeen, and still in school… And we‘re just friends.” He added the last, almost as an afterthought.

“Well, what about after school? You must get along all right, because you have to work with each other all the time. You should marry her after school.”

For the first time in six and a half years, I saw James Potter speechless. He looked extremely uncomfortable… But I couldn’t forget the way he blushed.

“You know, I don’t think the library is going to be open for much longer… We should get back to work on this stuff.” James waved his hand in the direction of the pile on the table.

Zoe smiled sympathetically and fell into the seat across from his. “Do you like her? And the library doesn’t close until eight o‘clock tonight, which I know you know full well.”

“What is this, twenty questions?” James frowned down at the little first year in front of him.

“Answer the question.”

“You’re too bossy!”

“And you dodge things!” Zoe cried, jumping to her feet. James stood up defiantly.

“Well… you’re too curious!”

“And you’re single!”

“Wha-” James stared. “Well, so are you!”

“Yeah, but you’re a seventh year, that works everyday with a really nice and pretty girl, but won’t even give her a chance!”

“How do you know I won’t give her a chance?”

My eyebrows rose. How did we know he wouldn’t give me a chance?

“You’re a guy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re afraid of commitment of any and every kind.”

“And how would you know? You’re eleven!”

“I turned twelve last week, actually. And you wouldn’t know, either! You’re a guy!”

James glared down at the girl before him. I almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of the situation… James being intimidated by a little first year.

I took a deep breath and poked my head around the end of the bookshelf. “I heard someone arguing, and I thought that maybe the Head Boy was here.”

James froze. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

Zoe looked up at him and giggled. “We were just finishing up my lesson on Transfiguration.” she said. “Weren’t we, James?”

James relaxed a bit, but was still watching me suspiciously. He nodded. “Lily, Zoe. Zoe, this is Lily… The Head Girl.”

“Hi, Zoe.” I walked around the bookcase, feeling strangely confident.

“Hi, Lily.” Zoe grinned. “Is it hard, being Head Girl?” She glanced up at James.

“Hard? Hmm…” I smiled at him. “Well, sometimes. The worst part is keeping him in line.”

“He said you’re smarter than him.”

“Oh?” I glanced at him again. “Well, he’s right.” I said seriously. Zoe giggled and James frowned. “Except in Transfiguration. He’s got me beat there, by far.” He smiled slightly and stepped forward.

“And Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts and-”

“Just Transfiguration, Zoe, don’t listen to him.”

“Well, I’m glad I finally got to meet you, Lily… Aren’t you Michelle’s best friend? I like her. She’s nice to me.”

“Yeah, and she’s my best friend.”

“Then you’re my friend, too.”

I smiled at her. “Well, I hate to say it, but I have some Transfiguration to do… I may not get it done if I don’t go now. I don‘t like Transfiguration.” I added, to Zoe.

“Maybe, if I get any better, I’ll help you.” Zoe said.

“I’d like that, Zoe.” I tried not to laugh. “I really would.”

Zoe beamed at me. I turned to go, but waved at her before I disappeared around the corner.

I heard her turn to James and say, “She is very pretty and nice. You should marry her.”

“Zoe… I think we’re done for the day, eh?” James said loudly, drowning out the last bit of her sentence.

My good mood was dampened when I remembered the reason for my being in that aisle. I took the first book I could find and headed back to my table.

I fell heavily into my chair, not at all looking forward to so much work. I pulled out my Transfiguration book and quill.

“Lily?”

It was James. I smiled as he slid into the seat next to me and dropped his bag onto the table.

“Yeah?”

“How much did you hear?” He fidgeted anxiously with his quill.

I cocked my head to the side. “Oh, not much… I heard your voice, so I thought I’d say hi. Why? Guilty conscience?”

“Just wondering.” he grinned. “Zoe’s quite a talker, isn’t she?”

I laughed. “She reminds me of me- when I was younger. A bit, anyway.”

“What, how stubborn you both are?” James snickered.

“I was thinking more along the lines of… curious… But maybe that, too.”

“Though I think you might be more stubborn than her… So, what are you doing?” He leaned forward, looking at what I had written… A whole four words- my pathetic attempt at the paper the day we got it.

“Oh… That five foot roll on Animagi.”

“Ah- that’s not so bad.”

“Easy for you to say.” I sighed and leaned back in my chair.

“Do you want any help?” James asked, after a slight pause.

“Do I want help? Well…”

“Aww… The stubbornness kicks in again. Let me rephrase that… Do you need any help, Lil?”

“Sure.” I shrugged, trying to look like it didn’t really affect me either way. “And I’m not stubborn.” Neither of us noticed he called me Lil, the forbidden name.

“Let me go get you this one book… It has all the stuff you’ll need in it- I mean, everything… And, yes, you are stubborn. You wouldn‘t know how to not be.” He smirked at me before disappearing behind one of the many shelves.

I stared after him, wondering what he was thinking. Was he just embarrassed because a twelve year-old was asking question after question about someone he used to like? Or was he really embarrassed because he felt the same things I did?

I was still pondering this question when he returned with a small, maroon leather-bound book.

Then, I began to doubt that he still felt anything when he opened the book and was off explaining everything about Animagi… I got lost after just a few words.

Then again, maybe it was just the effect of him being so close to me.

Three… Poor Turkey…

“Oh, hello, Lily.” Michelle said brightly as I closed the door to the hospital wing quietly behind me. I smiled at her; my mood had improved greatly since the beginning of the day… Not only was all my work done, but James helped me do it.

“Hey, Michelle.” I waved at her.

“You know Zoe Henderson, right?” She smirked mischievously at me and flipped her curly hair over her shoulder.

I smiled at her. “We’ve met. From what I hear, she worships you.” I knew what she was getting at…

“And you, apparently.” Michelle sat up eagerly. “James Potter, too.”

“Oh, I gathered as much. Feeling better?”

“In fact, she came to visit me a bit ago… Yeah, I‘m fine.”

“Is that right? And here I was hoping to be the first to come see you.” I tried to keep my face serious and like we talked about this little opinionated Hufflepuff everyday.

“Said a few very interesting things to me… I had hoped you would come visit me first today, too, but it seems you had some… studying to catch up on, no?” Her eyes were laughing at me.

“Studying, yes. In the library… That‘s where I was.”

“Even with one very tall, smart, handsome, funny, and charming Head Boy?”

“You do realize that Remus isn’t Head Boy, right?”

I’d always loved ribbing her about her forever-long crush on Remus Lupin. Really, I had no right to, as I’d had one on him as well… In fifth year (and maybe sixth, too), when we were prefects together. He was one of James’s other best friends- one of the Marauders. Remus was rather handsome, but not overly so… Light brown hair (sandy, really), tall, and eyes like none I had ever seen before… they were the colour of amber, and very deep… I don’t think there was a single person in Hogwarts who could look in his eyes and not feel something.

He was a little on the quiet side, but everyone liked him better for it. He seemed almost afraid to let anyone close, to let anyone know the real him… And he was. Not many people knew why, except his closest friends. The Marauders knew… And I did. I hadn’t even meant to find out, really, but I had… And then, I’d had to ask him about it. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I asked him if it was true… I had to ask him if he really was a werewolf.

After that, it was easy to see why he never told anyone his secret. Witches and wizards had always known to fear and keep away from werewolves- anything but associate with them. I, for one, had never believed in prejudices like that, and I knew it didn’t change who he was. I still liked Remus for Remus.

And he was thankful for that, I knew.

“Remus? What do you-”

“Yeah… That’s how you always describe Remus, isn‘t it? Tall, smart, handsome, funny… What was the other one? Oh, yes! Charming…” I snickered, falling on the bed next to hers.

She had the grace to blush. “Well, that’s true. But is that really all you two did, study? You didn’t talk at all?”

“Well, I think he was worried a bit about what all I heard Zoe say before I walked over to say hi…”

“How much did you hear? She told me what they were arguing over.”

“Is that right?” I laughed. “I heard a bit… Not much, though.”

“You heard it all, didn’t you?” Michelle grinned.

“Not everything… Besides, he was so embarrassed when I walked over, I didn’t want him thinking I’d heard anything he said…”

“So how did the match turn out?”

“It isn’t over yet… Ravenclaw had better be winning, though.” I shrugged. “If Slytherin does, you just know their egos will all explode.”

“Oh… Well, Pomfrey says I can’t leave until tonight- and she told me I couldn’t have any more visitors… She’s in her office right now, talking to some old guy by floo… She’ll be coming back soon, though.” Michelle sighed.

I looked at the door to Madame Pomfrey’s office. “Yeah… I’ll see you at dinner, okay?” I picked up my bag and hurried to the end of the ward. I looked back at Michelle and waved.

*

After a week, I was beginning to wonder if I’d imagined the day in the library. The only reason I knew I hadn’t was because Zoe sought me out every other day or so to come talk to me. I was beginning to really like her. She followed Michelle around a lot, but neither of us really minded. She was chatty, sure, and very opinionated, but as long as she was around, there was never a dull moment.

I had all but two classes with James, but we hardly ever said anything to each other. I wanted to walk over and sit by him some time at dinner, but he usually never stayed long, or wasn’t there at all.

Usually, Sirius was off with him, with left the two remaining Marauders to themselves. More often that not, I asked them to sit with us… partly for Michelle’s benefit, partly for mine. That way, my best friend got to sit near her crush (Remus), and if mine came down, he would have the very appealing option of sitting near me.

“Lily, are you all right?” Nora asked me one night, after taking a slice of pumpkin pie. “You’re looking a bit peaky.”

Michelle (who almost always sat at the Gryffindor table with us) looked up. She was the only one of my friends who knew that I liked James- or about that day in the library.

Remus turned his amber eyes to me curiously, too. I wondered if James had ever said anything about me to him. I hoped he had… And from the look I was getting, he just might have.

I bit my lip. “I’m fine.”

“Eat some more of that turkey, then.”

“I don’t like turkey, Ken.” I said patiently, dipping my quill in my ink pot; I’d been putting off my Arithmancy paper for almost a week.

“I’ll eat more turkey!” Zoe said eagerly, reaching for the platter. I laughed at her and pushed it within her reach. She smiled happily.

“You are a turkey, Zo.”

“But I don’t have feathers.”

“No, but you’re still a turkey.”

“Oh! I know how to transform things into turkeys, though, and James said I don’t need any more lessons-” Zoe stared up at something behind me. “James!” She bounced in her seat.

“Hey, Prongs.” Remus said, without looking up from his plate.

“Hey, Moony… Zo… Erm- Lily… Dumbledore needs to talk to you. And you, Zoe.” James said uncomfortably.

“Right now?” I asked. Zoe jumped up, all thoughts of turkey forgotten.

James nodded. “It’s urgent…” He looked sad. I left my quill and books on the table.

“We’ll be back in a bit, guys.”

Remus, Peter (I’m sad to say it, but he always freaked me out), Michelle, Kendra, and Nora watched us go quizzically.

James led us to the entrance hall in silence.

“James?” I said quietly. “What’s so urgent?”

His back was to me, as he took the marble stairs two at a time, but I heard him sigh. “I’m not sure… exactly.”

We reached the top of the stairs and he took a painful glance back at Zoe, who was watching the portraits as we passed by them with obvious interest. “I’ve never been to Dumbledore’s office.” she mused.

Then it hit me: it was something to do with Zoe… and her family.

My jaw dropped and I stared at James; he looked at me and nodded. I groaned inwardly. Why was I going, too? Only once had I seen Zoe unhappy- one day, not long ago, she came to me, crying. She was worried about her family being attacked by Death Eaters. She knew more and more people were dying at the hand of Voldemort… She also knew that her parents were openly against him… Very open. Mr. And Mrs. Henderson were Aurors at the Ministry, and very good ones at that. I’d heard much about them in the papers and from other children of Aurors. I suddenly felt very protective of Zoe… She was only a first year.

“It’s a neat place, Zo, you’ll like it.” James said dully.

“Why do you both look so sad? Do people only go there when they’re in trouble? I’ve always liked Dumbledore. He seems nice. Is he nice, Lily?” Zoe’s curiosity was back up. Maybe she was half expecting the worse, and it wouldn’t be too hard on her… But I knew better than to think that. Zoe was the bubbly, happy type- but I was almost positive that once she found out about her parents, she wouldn’t be so bubbly or happy anymore. “Lily?”

I’d seen it happen to students before- I’d been at Hogwarts for almost seven years, after all. People’s parents were killed all the time- for a while in my sixth year, there had been a least two or three a week. Things had calmed down a bit, but there was still the occasional death. It scared me, because I knew my parents were at high risk of being murdered… As long as I was at Hogwarts, they were in danger.

My mind was buzzing by the time we got to Dumbledore’s office. I didn’t even remember James answering all Zoe’s questions, or him saying the password to the sour looking gargoyle. All I knew was that I was about to see Zoe’s face fall… She her crying… She that lost, confused look on her face. And I knew I might be the next person to look like that.

“Miss Evans… Miss Henderson… Mr. Potter.” Dumbledore sounded almost as bad as I felt. I couldn’t even look him in the eye, knowing what he was about to say to Zoe. I could already feel my heart breaking, and I’d never even met Zoe’s parents.

“I have some terrible…news.” His icy blue eyes drifted to Zoe, and they were filled with sympathy and concern. I knew he dreaded to say the words as much as we dreaded to hear them.

Zoe froze. I think the idea of why she was in his office had dawned on her. Her brown eyes widened and she stared at Dumbledore breathlessly.

“Miss Henderson, I’ve had to say these exact words to dozens of students here, at Hogwarts, and it never gets easier… Your parents are-”

“Dead.” Zoe finished for him. She bit her lip and let her head fall.

“Voldemort went to your house around midnight last night, while everyone was sleeping…”

“What about Sammy and Joe?” Zoe asked, her voice strained.

“Sammy is at St. Mungo’s right now. The Healers think he’s going to be just fine. Aurors heard that something of this nature might occur, so they were able to get there in time to save him…”

“And Joe… he’s…” She closed her eyes.

Professor Dumbledore didn’t say anything. James and I glanced at each other. He looked on the verge of tears. I already had tears coming down my face.

When I looked back at Zoe, she was shaking and swaying on her feet. I wanted to go over and put my arms around her, but I didn’t know what she’d do. I didn’t know if the fact that her parents were really gone had sunk into her head yet… I bit my lip and looked up at Dumbledore, just as she ran to the door and wrenched it open.

In a flash, James and I were down the spiralling stairs, after her.

*

“Zoe?” I called softly.

To my right, I heard a quiet sob. James and I immediately turned in that direction.

There she was, curled up at the foot of a towering maple tree on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. We went over and knelt at her side. I pushed a few golden curls away from her face. “Zoe…” I took a deep breath.

“Joe was only four.” she choked. “He had just learned how to ride a broom… I was going to teach him a few tricks on it when I got back for Christmas… He was so happy when I got into Hogwarts. I taught him how to write this summer- just little words, of course… but he sent me a letter last week, wanting to know all about school…” I looked at James. He looked more serious than I had ever seen him. “And tomorrow was mum and dad’s anniversary…” She sounded so miserable, I couldn’t help but put my arm around her. “Sammy is eight… And he had to see it all!” she cried.

Zoe looked up at me, eyes flashing. “I hate him. I’m going to kill him!” she said angrily. I knew she meant Voldemort.

She had every right to hate him.

*

After taking her to her dormitory, James and I walked slowly up to Gryffindor Tower in silence. I didn’t really know what to say and I felt he didn’t either. I was worrying about my family… How they were doing. If anything happened to them... I didn’t know what I’d do.

“Dandy Dandelion.” I said sadly to the Fat Lady. The portrait hole swung open, revealing a cosy looking common room. A fire was burning merrily in the fireplace and the random rolls of parchment lying about gave the impression that someone was in a hurry to leave… Probably thinking of something better to do than homework. The entire room was too cheery for my liking.

“You really like her, don’t you?”

James was standing a bit behind me, hands in his pockets. I smiled weakly. “Yeah, I do. She’s like the sister I never had.”

“I thought you had a sister.” James frowned.

“I do.” I shrugged. “But she hates me… Or says she does. We used to be pretty close, until I got accepted here.” I looked around the over-cheery room. “I like knowing that someone feels they can come to me and just talk if they want… Like Zoe. Even if she just likes to talk to anyone who will stand still long enough to listen.” I smiled sadly.

“She really likes you. You’re all she talks about, you know.”

I fell into the nearest armchair. “I’m so tired…” I muttered.

“Does he ever scare you at all?” James asked softly after a pause.

“Who?”

“Voldemort.”

“No. I’m not afraid of him.” I said. “But I am afraid of what he can do… to my family.”

“Lily…”

I stood up suddenly. “I’m going to bed… Night.” I whispered. Now, more than ever, I wanted to go home and hold my family in my arms… What if something happened while I was at school?

“Lily, I-”

I turned wearily to look at him. “Hmm?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing. Good night, Lil.”

I smiled at him, thinking dimly that he called me Lil, even though I told him not to. I found that I didn’t mind so much.

*

I woke up, the next morning, a little after eight. I sighed deeply- it felt good to sleep in late. I hadn’t since… well, since school had started. It was nice.

Until I remembered it was a Monday and I had class. I jumped out of bed, cursing, and ran to the bathroom. Why hadn’t Kendra and Nora gotten me up?!

After doing a quick makeup charm and pulling my hair into a ponytail, I grabbed my bag and sprinted down the girls stairs.

Outside the portrait hole, I tripped over something in the floor. “Bloody h… Zoe?!” I picked up my book bag. “Are you okay?” I asked.

She looked up at me. Her eyes were swollen and her cheeks were red and streaked with tears. “Lily… My parents… and Joe… I got a letter they sent.” she whispered. “A day or so ago…”

“Come on, let‘s talk a walk. It’s better than a cold corridor, right?” I smiled encouragingly.

She sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. I helped her up and we walked slowly down the corridor. “Now, what was in the letter?” I asked softly.

“They… they just wanted to say hi… Joe even wrote some. He wanted to know all about riding brooms and doing spells--my classes… and you, Lily.”

“Me?”

“In one of my letters, I told them about you… And Michelle and James and they liked you all too.” She sniffed again. “They told me to tell you hi.”

“Oh, Zoe…”

“I just want my family back.” She sobbed.

“I know. I know, Zoe, I do…” I sighed and put my arm around her. “Did you know that my parents are muggles?” I asked.

Zoe shook her head and looked up at me.

“Well, you know that Voldemort doesn’t like them at all… So I’m always afraid that something is going to happen to my family. At least your parents were able to fight for themselves, Zoe. They helped a lot of people. I’ve read about them in the paper, you know. They were brave- and they want you to be brave, too.” I smiled. “My parents… anything could happen to them at any time, because of me… Because I’m at Hogwarts. And there isn‘t anything I can do about it.”

“But they’re just muggles. They didn’t do anything. Why would he want to hurt them?”

“Because, Zoe, he’s... twisted. He just likes to hurt and kill for fun. You and your family didn’t do anything wrong, either, you know that, right?”

“I… I guess…”

“You should just remember how brave they were- and think about all the fun things you did together…”

“Like what?”

“Hmm… Do you remember telling me about that time a toad got lost in your house, somehow- and it took everyone ages to find it? Well, wasn’t that fun? Think about that.”

“It was funny, seeing daddy’s face…” She looked a bit happier. “And Joe wanted so bad to be the first to catch it. He looked everywhere for it… He even made a special hat, just for finding that toad. He called it his ‘Scavenger-Hunt-Hat.’ I didn’t even know he knew such big words.” Zoe sighed. “And the way mummy laughed when I told her what happened before I lost it. I’d found daddy’s wand earlier that day, and I’d wanted something good to try some magic on, so I found a toad from the garden and took it in the kitchen… But when I poked it, it got all fat and big and had bubbles coming out of his skin.”

I smiled. “See? That was fun for everyone.”

“Oh… Lily, isn’t this your classroom?” Zoe asked, as we rounded the corner to the Defence Against the Dark Arts corridor. I looked down at her.

“Well… yeah, it is… But do you want me to walk you to your common room? Much as I‘d rather stay out here… I’ve been in trouble for skiving before- not something I’d like to repeat…” I sighed.

“No… I’m going to go see Professor Dumbledore. I’m going to ask him if I can go see Sammy soon.”

“Do you want me to go up with you? I’m sure my professor won’t mind.”

Zoe paused. “Well… I- no… I want to talk to him by myself. I can do it.”

“You can.” I smiled. “I’ll come find you later, okay?”

Zoe nodded and turned to walk back down the corridor.

I felt like part of my heart was being dragged alongside her.

Four… Always, Always More

Over the next few days, the thing I couldn’t seem to get was how… back-to-normal Zoe seemed. I wasn’t sure if she was really okay, or if she was just putting up a façade, so no one could see her real emotions.

I was positive, however, that she stuck to me more. I don’t mean she stuck to me in an annoying, bothersome way… I mean, she went everywhere with me- besides classes- and we talked and had pillow fights with Michelle, just like Petunia and I used to do with our friends.

Oh, how I missed my sister. Even after all the cruel words and snubbing I’d received from my older sibling, I still loved her more than anyone. I missed the days when we would play dolls with each others friends, or paint our nails… We were always inseparable. Mum and dad used to joke that we were joined at the hip.

And I’d ruined it.

That day, Petunia and I were outside, having a contest to see who could hopscotch for the longest. Whoever lost was going to buy a book that we both wanted from the new bookstore, though it didn’t really matter who got the book, because we would both end up reading it anyway. We shared everything.

It was Petunia’s turn, and she was almost to counting a hundred hops (which was my record), when mum came outside. “Lily! Get in here, please!” she sounded quite shocked. I couldn’t imagine why, I’d been good all week. Petunia fell over on count one hundred and one, as she looked in shock over her shoulder. She knew I hadn’t done anything, too. We were always together, how could either of us not know?

“Coming, Mommy!” I shrugged to Petunia. “I’ll be right back, Pet.”

Petunia came running over to me. “If she’s trying to say that you’re the one who dipped Maggie’s hair in paint, tell her it was me.”

“I can’t tell on you!”

“Well, I didn’t really do it…”

“Maybe that’s not even what it’s about.” I frowned. Then I remembered something I’d done earlier that week… One of the boys at school was laughing and making fun of my braids at recess, while Petty was over talking to her teacher, and I told him to be quiet… He started to say something, but found his voice so scratchy that all he could do was croak. Maybe I was going to get in trouble for that? I hadn’t really meant to do it. I giggled in spite of myself.

“Lily!” mum called, louder.

It was the last time a friendly word had been exchanged between the two of us. Mum and I went to find the so called ‘Diagon Alley’ that day, just to see if it was real… We came back with armloads of spell books and funny looking things. Pet was there in her room, staring blankly at the wall.

“Hey, Petty, come look at all these neat things!” I cried happily, bouncing over to her. Her stony glare moved to the window. “Pet?”

“You’re leaving me here.” she growled, eyes locking on mine. I’d never seen her angry… It scared me.

“But, Pet, it’s a place where I can learn all sorts of spe-”

“Don’t talk to me about that place!” she snapped. “Go away, you little brat.”

The iciness in her voice reached my heart… And broke it into a million pieces. She was my sister and I loved her… And she was angry with me. I wanted to crawl up in her lap and hug her, listen to her say she was sorry.

I didn’t.

I stumbled blindly back to the door, tears clouding my eyes, my lip trembling.

And ever since, when I came home for the holidays, all I got from my once loving, fun, carefree sister was an icy glare, maybe a harsh word or two.

And every time I did…. I felt my heart break into a million pieces.

“Ms. Evans?”

“Yes, Professor?” I asked curiously, slipping a bit of parchment in my book to hold the place.

“May I talk to you for a moment?”

“Yes, ma’am.” I placed our plant tray under our table. The class filed out, wiping bits of dirt and leaves off their cloaks.

“I’ve noticed how much time Zoe Henderson is with you… I’m worried about her. Does she ever talk about her family?”

“No ma’am…” I sighed. “She talks about anything but that, though. And she likes me to make her laugh at lot, so I do.”

“Her grades are suffering in every class but one... Transfiguration.”

I bowed my head. “James Potter tutors her in that class… But I haven’t even noticed any differences in her since she found out they were… well, since then. She seems to laugh more, though… I don’t understand it. She won’t even talk about Sammy.”

“Ah… well, I’ve never had to do this before, but I’m going to recommend to her that she gets a tutor for my class- would you mind if I suggested her to you? You‘re one of my best students.” Professor Sprout asked meekly. She smoothed out a wrinkle on her robe and looked at me expectantly.

“I wouldn’t mind at all, Professor.” I smiled, after a slight pause in which I gaped at her.

“Thank you, dear, I knew I could count on you.”

I forced a smile and picked up my book bag.

“I’ll see you next Tuesday, Ms. Evans.”

I nodded politely and opened the door to the greenhouse. Once outside, I closed the door with a click and rested my head against the wall by the door. I would go mad if anything else was added to my schedule. I barely had any extra time as it was, with Head duties, tutoring other students, homework, and now, more tutoring. I was almost beginning to regret being Head Girl.

Almost.

“What’s the matter?” James asked, from behind me. Apparently, he’d waited. I smiled in spite of myself.

“More kids to tutor.” I groaned, not moving, though I still had a bit of a smile on my face.

“In Herbology?” James snickered. “What kind of-”

“It’s Zoe.”

“Oh.”

I sighed and turned to him. “Am I completely sane?”

“Completely? No. But almost.” He winked at me. “Anyway, come on, let’s go up to the castle, I‘m hungry and we‘re having pumpkin pie.”

“You’re always hungry and we always have pumpkin pie.” I nudged him lightly in the shoulder with mine.

“Exactly my point.” he grinned at me.

I rolled my eyes, completely aware of how close we were walking.

*

“See? And that’s all there is to it.” I said happily.

Zoe nodded. “I don’t see why Professor Sprout thought I needed a tutor in Herbology. I’ve just had a rough week of it.” She grinned at me- though I noticed it didn’t quite reach her eyes for once.

“Well, you know, it’s a professor’s job to worry about their students.” I shrugged.

“Yeah. ‘Cause if they didn’t, then what else would they do, eh?”

I laughed. “Something like that.”

“So… After you went with me to Transfiguration, I saw James come up to you. Did he walk you to class?” She tried her best to sound casual… But I knew she was dying to ask more.

“Oh, you know, he does that sometimes.”

“He’s been doing it more lately, though, because Tuesday, I saw him walking you to the castle back from Herbology, and you two were ages behind everyone else.”

“I had to talk to Professor Sprout, so he waited for me, because we had to discuss our duties.” Now I was the one trying to sound casual. She’d caught me…

“Oh?” Zoe giggled. “You like him! And he obviously likes you. Everyone but the two of you know it.” She sighed. “I wish I was so lucky.”

“He doesn’t like me!” I shook my head. “And I don’t like him, either! We’re friends.” I added, as an afterthought.

“You do like him, don’t you? Come on, Lily, tell me! I’m like your sister, now, anyway.” She put on her most innocent face and gave me a pleading look.

“Zoe, you turkey!” I cried, referring back to our joke. “That’s not fair.”

“How is it not fair! Just tell me, please?!”

“Argh! I will, but only if you’ll tell me-”

“I tell you everything, already!”

“Everything?”

“Everything.”

“I don’t think so.”

“I know so. Now stop stalling and tell me, Lily Evans!”

“You are too… too… stubborn for a first year, Zoe!”

“I know you are, but what am I?” Zoe sang. She giggled and sat back down on the bench. “Fine, if you’ll tell me, then I’ll tell you something, too.”

I rolled my eyes, acting like it wouldn’t bother me either way… Truth was, I thought that any bit of information as to how she felt would be nice. She hadn’t talked about Voldemort or her family since the day I found her in the corridor. “Okay, okay… Deal. Yes, I like him. But it’s only a bit!” I fell next to her on the wooden bench.

“I knew it!” she held her arms above her head victoriously. “Okay… what to tell you…” She bit her lip thoughtfully and stared at the potted plant at her feet. “Well, I’ve got two, but I’ll tell you both.”

I nodded eagerly.

“I… I’m scared to see Sammy. What if he asks me why they died? What do I tell him?” she asked softly. I looked up, quietly, trying to read the expression on her face. It was one of sadness, peace- and… relief.

“Tell him the truth.” I said gently. “He’s old enough that he’ll understand, Zoe. Anyway, doesn’t Dumbledore always say that the truth is preferable to a lie? Don’t you believe that?”

Zoe shook her head. “I know this is going to sound very… Well, I don’t much care what Dumbledore says anymore. He can stuff all of what he thinks where he-”

“Zoe…” I whispered. “Listen to yourself. This is what Voldemort wants, when he kills people… To make those of us who know what is right and are willing to stand up for it argue and fight with each other. He wants us all to distrust each other, so that no one knows who they can go to anymore. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of getting what he wants-”

“The other thing I promised to tell you is that I like Jonah Abbott. Do you know him?” she said, suddenly sounding very cheery. I sighed and let my shoulders fall.

“Yes. I know him. He‘s cute.” I said dully. “Look, it’s late… We’d better go up to the castle.”

*

I got back to my dormitory, planning to fall on my four-poster and stay there, for the next day, the next week, the next month, even- until I got a decent amount of sleep.

I was just throwing my book bag down on the floor next to my trunk and preparing to dive into the squishy pillows, when Nora bounced up the stairs, humming. “Lily?” she called.

With a groan, I turned slowly. “Mm?”

“James is asking for you.”

“Can you tell him that I’m… sick, tired, doing homework, dead, something?” I fell on my trunk, forgetting that it was open. “Oi!” I gasped, falling into the open trunk.

“Oh… You poor thing.” Nora hurried over to my part of the room to help me out. “Do you really want me to tell him you’re sick?”

“Well… what does he want?” I asked, falling weakly back.

“No idea.”

“Argh… No, I’ll just go see what he needs, if it isn’t anything too serious, then I’ll tell him I’ve got loads of homework… Which is the truth, anyway.” With a groan, I heaved myself out of my deep trunk. “Since when is my trunk so big?”

Nora laughed. “Lily, you aren’t very big. I imagine it only seems bigger because you just landed yourself in it!”

“Right… I’m going now.” I grumbled, going to the door of the dormitory, yawning and stretching along the way.

I could feel Nora’s thoughtful eyes following me all the way out of the room… was she thinking along the same lines at Zoe had? Zo had said that everyone but James and I knew it…

What I couldn’t decide was if I was going to be the one to do something about that.

*

“I still can’t believe that Lily Evans, Head Girl and all around number one student forgot she had a Prefect’s meeting! Pretty much directing it, too, as the Head Boy isn‘t much help.” James teased.

“Yeah, well, I think you would, too, if you had as much stuff as me to do… I’m going mad.” I yawned (not for the first time in the last five minutes).

“If you ever need any more help with that Transfiguration, I’m sure Zo and I can find time to tutor you, too.” James chuckled, holding a tapestry aside for me.

I laughed with him, but it quickly died out. “I miss her.”

James sighed. “She’s still there… Just in a different way, Lil.”

Despite my mood, I smiled… Now, every time James called me Lil, I couldn’t help it. I’d never allowed anyone to call me that- even Pet, when we were still close- but I almost liked it when James did… It confused me. “Is she?” I whispered.

James’s steps faltered. “Lil…” he said softly, putting his hand on my arm.

“What?” I said, hardly louder than before… I sounded slightly hysterical. I felt it, too… Though I couldn’t explain it.

“You told Zoe not even three hours ago that what Voldemort wants is to tear us all apart… To have us fighting- arguing- mistrusting each other. You also said you didn’t want to give in to that. Don’t you remember?”

“How’d you know that?” I asked faintly.

“I talked to her before I had Nora come get you. But that isn’t he point-”

“I’m good at consoling other people… not myself! I can say the things, it hardly means I believe them!” I cried. Tears welled up in my eyes, much to my bewilderment. “I’m just so… and my family… Pet never… and then, I… ARGH!” I stamped my foot on the concrete floor of the corridor, crossing my arms. “I can’t even say what I want to.” I said weakly, looking miserably up at James… Surely, he thought I was mad.

But he was watching me with concern and understanding. He looked at me for one long moment before putting his arms around me, in an assuring hug. “I’m here for you, Lil.” he said gently in my ear.

I closed my eyes, a chill running up and down my spine. “Thank you.” I barely managed to say. Then, I did something that surprised both of us- though I’m not sure which was more shocked… I kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you.” I said again.

When we finally pulled away, he looked at me carefully. I sniffed and glanced awkwardly down the corridor. At least I hadn’t done what I’d wanted, and kissed him on the mouth… That couldn’t have been good.

Suddenly, he broke into a warm smile. “It’s late and you’re tired…” he said.

If I still hadn’t been pondering that kiss on the cheek, I might’ve noticed the way his eyes were sparkling at me… And I might’ve just liked it.

We didn’t talk much on the way up to the tower, each of us more content with our own thoughts… but it was one of those comfortable silences that we both seemed to enjoy. I did, however, sneak a few peeks over at him… The light that was shining in through the windows as we passed them cast a silver light over his messy hair and thoughtful face… I never loved the moon as much as I did that night.

Before I knew it, we were at the portrait, and James was saying the password to the Fat Lady.

The Fat Lady, however, was paying no attention to him… She was looking at me with narrowed eyes. “Dear, are you-”

“Lion’s pride!” I said loudly, glaring at her, presently hating everything about her all the way down to the lacy pink frills on her old-fashioned dress.

“But-”

“Look, we’ve said the password, now will you please open the bloody portrait!” I cried impatiently.

She shrugged. “All right.”

“And stop looking at me like that!” I snapped, arms crossed again.

She smiled and shook her head, as though we were two old friends, joking with each other. I, on the other hand, was getting ready to whip out my wand and curse her portrait. No matter if she wasn’t alive… No matter at all.

“Lil?” James said cautiously. I got the impression he was smiling, trying not to laugh. “She opened the portrait…”

“Right.” I shook my head and laughed quietly. “Sorry,” I said to the Fat Lady before scrambling through the portrait hole.

James, chuckling, followed after me. “Hey, Lil,” he said. On the other side of the common room, I saw Nora and Kendra look up in interest. I ignored them.

“Mm?” I turned to look at him, feeling in a much better mood.

“Just so you know, I forgot about the meeting, too. Zoe reminded me.” He grinned apologetically.

I stared at him. “Imagine how it would have looked if neither the Head Girl or Boy showed up for the meeting!” I said, laughing.

James smiled. “Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night.” His eyes were fixed right on mine.

I smiled back (feeling strangely shy) and nodded. “Night.” I backed slowly away… Only to run into one of the tables. “Oh, sorry!” I cried.

A large group of second and third years smiled up at me, varying levels of curiosity and amusement written over their faces.

James laughed. “Night, Lil.” he said softly, watching me go.

I looked back up as I reached the girls stairs; he was still in the same place, hands in his pockets in that casual way that I loved about him. He smiled at me, before I turned and ducked shyly up the stairs.

Once around the first corner, I stopped and rested my head against the wall. It had definitely been a weird night… One minute, I was crying and sad, the next, I was kissing James Potter on the cheek, hugging him… Then, I was walking down the corridor with him, feeling awkward and embarrassed… Then, angry at a portrait of an old lady, ready to curse her… Then laughing, nervous, and shy.

Sense when was I shy?

It just didn’t make sense.

The moment I reached my dormitory, I was all but attacked by two of my best mates as they ran up after me.

“Lil? He calls you Lil?!”

“We can’t even call you that!”

“And you didn’t curse him!”

“Wait till we tell Michelle!”

“You two sure get along better than you used to…”

“Quite cosy, actually…”

“But really, Lil?!”

“Lil!”

“He calls you Lil!”

I laughed and looked shyly down at the floor. “Yeah, he calls me Lil.” I blushed. “And… really… I don’t mind at all.” I winked at the two gaping girls and skipped cheerily over to my four-poster.

I realized the giant squid wasn’t so much better, after all.

Five… Raining Happiness! Sort of…

“There is nothing fun about studying.” Michelle said sadly, shifting in one of the uncomfortable wooden chairs of the library.

“Tell me about it…” I muttered, staring down at my open Transfiguration book. “I’ll never understand this.”

“We’ll I’m hardly any help.”

That’s true…

“You know what? I’m done with everything else… Let’s just leave. We can do this tomorrow night.”

“That’s a horrible habit to get into, Lily.” Michelle said in a mock-disapproving tone. “Actually, I was waiting for you to say something, because I didn’t want to be the weak one.” She giggled.

“Ladies!” Madame Pince whispered harshly. “You’re in the library!” She gave us a cross look before turning back to her stack of books. “I have to ask that you either study and be quiet or leave!”

“Merlin…” Michelle snorted. “You’re right. Let’s get out of here!”

“Gladly.” I smirked, hastily shoving my books into my bag. “I’m hungry, let’s go to the kitchens.”

“How can you be hungry? You just ate lunch!”

“I can’t help it if I’m still hungry. And we didn’t just eat. That was… two hours ago!” I shook my head, laughing as I pushed back my chair. I jumped to my feet. “Two hours is a long-” As I turned, I fell back in my chair as I ran into something… a very solid something.

“Ouch?” I grinned up at James Potter.

“Sorry, Lil.” he chuckled. “Bit tipsy, eh?” He held out his free hand to help me up. I took it happily. “I’ve heard an empty stomach can do that to you.”

“What’re you doing in here?”

“Looking for you. Hi, Michelle.”

“Hi, James.”

“Looking for me? What’d I do? I haven’t done anything.” I frowned at him, shaking my long hair over my shoulder. It was only occasionally that I would wear my hair down (though my friends said I should more often), but I just couldn’t stand it being in my way… like it was right then.

“A guilty conscience can say it all.” James snickered.

“Ahem!”

Madame Pince was standing about three feet away from my elbow, glaring reproachfully at the three of us.

“Yes?”

“I cannot allow the three of you to so loudly interrupt those students who do actually study!” Her mouth was set in a very firm line- not unlike the one Professor McGonagall wore most of the time… Pince even looked something like her, with her dark hair back in a low bun, with a witches hat over her head, and long, dark robes. She was relatively new to Hogwarts, so I supposed she took McGonagall as her idol, or something.

James held up his hands in surrender and nodded. “Apologies, Madame.”

Michelle and I smiled at each other, and tried not to laugh. Apologies, Madame?

James grinned and followed us to the door… Though I didn’t fail to notice how close to me he was- in fact, I rather liked it.

As James closed the door to the library, Michelle mouthed to me, “Go get him, Lily!”

I mock-glared at her, hoping James hadn’t noticed… I might’ve died if he had.

“Right, well, I’ve got to get back to my common room… See you in the morning, Lily!” Michelle waved to us as she turned to go, but her sparkling green eyes were fixed steadily on mine.

“So…”

I looked over at James, adjusting my book-laden book bag so that it was more comfortable on my shoulder.

“So I was looking for you because Professor McGonagall caught me earlier and said we need to plan a Hogsmeade visit. She said we should have already announced it and all that, but I think she’s just saying that so we’ll hurry and pick the date.” He snorted. “But then, she’s been a little cynical the last few days, wasn’t she?”

I nodded, laughing. “Well, let’s go then, shall we? If we ‘hurry and pick the date,’ then maybe she won’t be cynical at all on Monday. I don’t want her to be in a dreadful mood for our class, do you?” I said lightly, as James stepped up beside me.

“But when she is, you have to admit that she’s more fun to rib.”

“And quicker to hand out a detention.”

“Ah, those don’t bother me so much anymore.”

I laughed, looking out the nearest window. For some reason, at that moment, I couldn’t help but wonder if he still fancied me. I knew I fancied him.

*

“Okay… so… what if we… argh, I don‘t know.”

“We could have it in two weeks- well, I think it’s in two weeks- anyway, on this day…”

“That’s a week from today… How about this day? It’s my birthday.” I snorted.

“You’re birthday is this month? I didn’t know that! Why didn’t you tell m-”

“Or we could have it here, because it would be on the weekend before the Quidditch game…” I giggled, trying to keep James from hearing my slip-up about my birthday. I’d always hated telling people when it was, which I knew was stupid.

“I never knew when your birthda-”

“This shouldn’t be so hard, we’re just picking a day for… Erm… Hi, do you need something, Benjy?”

James and I stared up at Benjy Fenwick (of Ravenclaw), as he stood awkwardly a few feet away from our table.

“Oh… hi, Lily.” he said, trying to look as though he’d only just noticed us. “Lovely morning, don’t you think?” He grinned nervously… Or, I thought it was nervously.

“Very… lovely.” I said. I smiled patiently, wondering why he looked so nervous… and why he kept glancing over at James.

“Mind if I sit here? I’m waiting on someone.” He gestured to the empty seats at the table next to us… the empty seats at the Gryffindor table.

“Wouldn’t mind at all.”

Benjy smiled in relief and took the empty seat next to mine. James stiffened. “What’s that?” Benjy pointed to the great mass of papers spread out on the table.

“Head stuff. Confidential.” James said stiffly. I looked over at him on my other side, eyebrows raised. He looked away and started grouping things into messy stacks. “What? It is.” he muttered.

“Oh.” Benjy sighed.

I smiled and gathered James’s quills in my hands. “We’re planning the next Hogsmeade visit. We’ve been trying to decide on the date for it.”

James shifted uncomfortably next to me.

“Just started planning it?” Benjy asked suddenly.

“That’s what she said.” James muttered.

“Looking forward to it?”

“I don’t think I’m even going.” I smiled patiently, after elbowing James sharply in the ribs.

Benjy brightened. “Why not? It could be a lot of fun, with the right person.”

“She said she isn’t planning on it, Fenwick, why don’t you back off?” James leaned on the table, so he could see on my other side. My jaw dropped. Was he jealous?

“Would you go with me, Lily? I’d love it if you did. It’ll be better than sitting around in this musty place.” Benjy too leaned on the table, but it was only to get closer to me; his eyes never left mine.

My jaw dropped again. Was he serious? “I… erm… well, Benjy, I’d love to, b-”

“Spiffing!” Benjy jumped up. “Oh, but look! There’s Caradoc- I’ve been waiting on him this entire time, and here he is, waiting on me, too. Strange, yeah?” He winked suggestively and put his hand on my shoulder. “I’ll see you around, love.” He bent down for a kiss… on my lips. My heart stopped for a moment- but it wasn’t out of nervousness or excitement.

As he sauntered away, black robes billowing out behind him, I made a noise halfway between disgust and disbelief. “Did he just-” I turned around to look at James. “I didn’t even say yes!”

“He took it as a yes.”

“But- you heard me, I was trying to say-”

“That you’d ‘love to.’ ” James’s eyes weren’t their normal playful, dancing hazel… they were disappointed, betrayed, dark…

Not for the first time, I felt like my heart was slowly breaking into pieces…

“I didn’t finish my sentence… I was trying to say that I’d love to, but that I didn’t want to go, and that was that!” I cried desperately. “I don’t even like him! I don’t even know him!” For some unknown reason, I felt tears stinging my eyes.

“Yeah, well…” James pushed himself to his feet. “Suppose I’ll see you around.” He said it in such a perfect imitation of Benjy that… it hurt, and I didn‘t know why. He gathered his things and, without a backward glance, walked away, lifting his head higher as he went.

Some of the Gryffindors at our table looked up at us… as did the Hufflepuffs a table over.

Just before he went through the double doors, I let out a sob. “You forgot to say ‘love!’ ” I yelled.

The only indication he made that he heard was in the way that his head bowed further.

*

“So what’s wrong with her?”

“She wouldn’t say.”

“Are you sure you’re allowed up here?”

“Oh, who cares if I am or not?”

“Yeah, Lily needs us…”

“Or does she? Look at her… She won’t talk to any of us.”

“It’s no wonder, the way you all are yelling about her, like she’s not even here!”

“She’s asleep. Can you hear us talking when you’re asleep?”

“I don’t think so. She never hears what we’re saying about her in the middle of the night…”

“Hey! I resent that!”

“Shut it, all of you! You’re being too loud… Prats.”

I cringed. The silence that followed Nora’s words was worse than the constant chatter. I realized my mistake a moment too late, however, when a pair of hands grabbed my shoulders.

“You little fake! You’re not asleep.” It was Zoe… But she was smiling, I could tell that much.

I remained where I was, eyes closed. “Go. Away.”

“Ouch. No need to be grouchy with us, dear. We’re just worried about you… You haven’t moved at all since… well, sometime yesterday afternoon.” Michelle said, in a mother-like way.

“It was around dinner, I think, when you came up here… Someone said something about you and James fighting…” Kendra said softly.

“Just about all of the Hufflepuffs heard it… Gryffindors, too.” Zoe added.

“Want to talk about it?” Nora tried.

I groaned. “Can I just be alone for a while?”

“It’s already past lunch… And a particularly beautiful day. You need to get up… Go see James. Talk to him. Fix things with him.”

“We could just drag him up here…” Michelle said thoughtfully. “From what I hear, the Marauders are up in their dorm, trying to pull their leader out of his four-poster, too.”

“Good!” I growled, rolling over onto my stomach. “I hope he feels horrible. He deserves it.”

“Why?” Zoe asked innocently. She crawled up on the four-poster, next to my feet.

When I neither pushed her off or kicked her for being on my bed, the others took it as their cue to climb up beside me, too.

I turned my head to look at all of them.

Kendra and Nora looked timid, afraid that I might yell at them to get off… Zoe and Michelle, however, looked quite smug- obviously not intending to move… Even for me.

I took a deep breath and buried my head in my pillow. “You’re mad… the lot of you.”

When no one made a reply, I clenched my teeth and flopped (rather dangerously) onto my back again.

They were all giving me such funny looks I couldn’t help but laugh.

“All right.” I sighed, smiling all the same. “I’ll talk.”

*

“Fine. I’ll admit… You were all right. It is a beautiful day…” I closed my eyes and held my arms out. “Well, my kind of beautiful day. None of you like rain, do you?” I smiled, face upturned, allowing the fat drops of rain to hit my face. I’d always called rainy days ‘beautiful,’ though no one (including myself) could exactly explain why… and I was continually made fun of for it.

Not that I cared.

“Why are we out here, exactly?” I heard Kendra mutter to Nora. She was always the summer-type, just for the lack of wet weather…

Oh, but I loved rain…

“’Cause it’ll make Lily happy.”

“And we certainly don’t want her in a bad mood, do we?”

“I can still hear you, you know.” I laughed out loud, not bothering to turn and look at my friends as they huddled under one of the eaves of the castle. “The four of you are no fun. Get out here in this rain with me!”

“I have a better idea! Why don’t you just march yourself right back up there to your true love, apologize for the misunderstanding, snog him ‘til neither of you can breathe, then announce it to the school.” Kendra snorted sarcastically. “It’d make everyone happier, at least!”

Slowly, I turned on the spot to face her. I let my arms drop to my sides, not trying to hide the angry-surprised look on my face. “Excuse me?”

With a groan, Kendra leaned her head back on the stone wall of the castle. “Argh… Lily, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…”

“It’s okay.” I said softly. I stared at her for a moment, taking in her soaking brown hair, her solemn blue eyes (which were normally very playful), and her contrite expression. “Actually, the lot of you had better get inside before you come down with something.” With that, I turned to walk toward the forest, dimly noting the look on Michelle‘s face. “I’d like to be alone for a while.”

“Lily…” Nora said faintly.

*

When I opened my eyes, it was dark… too dark. I tried to swallow- but found that I couldn’t. Weakly, I stood, rubbing at a sore spot on my back: a lasting reminder not to sleep in the way that I had…

“Where am I?” I muttered to myself, squinting around.

But nothing came to my sight.

Suddenly, I heard a strange rustling to my left- I turned in the direction of the noise, but my eyes found nothing but darkness…

An eerie chill ran up and down my back as something brushed against my arm. “Wh-”

“Lily.”

I’d know that voice anywhere…

“James?” I whispered. My voice cracked and sounded as though it hadn’t been in use in a very long time.

“Lily.” He repeated. I blinked again as he came into focus, edging nearer to me.

“Where are we?”

In the dimness of our surroundings, I could see him mouthing something… His mouth shaping words I could not hear.

“What?” I tried to ask, but no sound was made.

He moved closer, his words slowly growing louder. “Why… how could you…” His hazel eyes were full of hurt and pain. “Why?”

“I’m sorry!” I said weakly- but in vain. I didn’t even know why I was apologizing.

I just didn’t want to see James sad…

I stepped forward, stretching my arms forward for his touch. “I-”

Without warning, the darkness disappeared and I found myself in a strange hallway, as narrow as one of a small house. James, at the other end, pulled his wand from his pocket and looked over his shoulder. “Lily, take Harry and go!” He looked at me, eyes pleading sadly. “It’s him! Go!” On his other side, a faint green light appeared. James threw out his arm to push me the other way, but when he touched my shoulder, it was a gentle touch: warm and loving. “Run! I’ll hold him off-” There was a loud crash and I felt my stomach jolt, as though I had just been slammed to the ground.

“James!” I yelled, reaching out for him…

But where had he gone? He was gone from my sight… And I knew I would never see him again.

*

With an unexpected shock, I found myself in the floor of my dormitory. I jumped and pulled away from the pair of cold hands that were slapping at the sides of my face. “What-” I started; I still could not hear my own voice.

I struggled to break free from the restraint the blankets formed around my arms and legs…

“Lily!”

“Calm down-”

“We’re trying to get you out!”

“Lily?”

“What’s wrong?!”

My face was stinging were I had been struck; my dorm mates had obviously been trying to wake me for some time.

“Did she say James’s name?”

At this, I stopped moving. Taking a ragged breath, I looked up, into the eyes of my best friends. “N-Nora? Ken? Where is he?” I gasped.

“Where is who? James?”

“In his dorm- everyone is, Lily- it’s… it’s four in the morning…” Nora said softly.

“Go to sleep…” Anne muttered, across the room. She rolled over in her sleep.

“Sod off.” Kendra muttered back, glaring icy daggers in the blonde’s direction.

“Lily? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine…” I said, surprised to find my throat ached whenever I spoke. “What happened?”

Nora stopped untangling the blankets long enough to look up at me. “We’re not so sure exactly… One minute, everything was quiet, and the next, I could hear you thrashing about, so I got up. When I did, you said James’s name… and tumbled right off your bed. You looked like you were trying to reach for something…”

“There… you’re free. Why don’t you get back up in your bed… And we’ll get you some water…” Kendra held out her hand.

“How did I get…” I took her offered hand. “here?”

“You just fell over,”

“No- not out of bed… How did I get into it?”

“What do you mean?” Nora asked slowly, her blue eyes worried.

“N-never mind…” I did my best to smile as I climbed up on my large bed.

“Well… good night, then, Lil.”

“Lily.” I corrected automatically… Not noticing the look that passed between the two, or the smile.

I rolled over, to be more comfortable, wondering briefly how I’d come to be in my dorm room… The last I could remember, I was standing at the edge of the forest, looking at one of the trees. It fascinated me, in a way… I felt overwhelmingly tired… and sat down at the base of the strange tree.

But even if I had fallen asleep there, it still didn’t explain how I’d gotten back to the castle.

Six… From Two For One

I knew for a fact that Hogwarts had never felt quite the way it did throughout the week and a half (or so) after James stopped talking to me.

I know I never did.

Sure, there were the entire six years before when we were constantly at odds- where he would try to smile and flirt with me, and I would ignore him, turn the other way, and hit him with the coldest remarks whenever I could- or just hit him when I felt like it.

But those fourteen days were completely unlike the previous fights we’d had.

And none of them effected me quite the way that one did.

Everyone noticed it- from the students, to the professors… to the ghosts. Yes, even the ghosts noticed something was up with the Head Boy and Girl.

At breakfast (or any meal, for that matter), there would hardly be any laughing at the Gryffindor table- which, under normal circumstances, was the loudest of all- but there was an uncomfortable silence. The feeling of awkwardness even seeped over to the other tables, where people either spoke in whispers or didn’t speak at all. Any classes that James and I had together were more tense and strained than a Slytherin-Gryffindor Quidditch game; James would say something, or answer a question from the professor, and I would try to up him by one… and vice versa, while our friends sat back and shook their heads. We would argue over the tiniest of things, trying to be louder than the other with every word spoken, to the point that we both received a detention... On four separate occasions. In classes we didn’t have together (which was only twice a week- the same class), I stayed in my seat, fuming at my parchment, scowling when someone asked me a question; I was told that James did the same thing when I wasn’t around. When we passed each other in the hall, we would glance haughtily at one another and keep walking… But the strained air was still there, and anyone who wasn‘t entirely dense could feel it, see it, hear it… practically taste it. Once, my friends and I came down from our dorm to study in the common room, books tucked under our arms, and had only just gotten settled in one of the far corners, when I heard someone saying my name. I didn’t even need two guesses to know who it was. I looked up to find James lounging near the fire, glaring in my direction, talking in tones that were none-too-hushed to his friends (all of whom looked rather uncomfortable and tired). Slowly, the attention of everyone in the common room was on James, as he stood up, talking about how much happier they’d all be, if only “certain people were to leave… preferably to find some other cozy spot with their smarmy Ravenclaw boyfriends.” After letting his words soak in for a moment, I stood, too, just so that he might think his words didn‘t move me… when really, they did- more than I liked to think.

One by one, the others in the room noticed I was there, too, so they began muttering excuses to leave, trying to do so in the most unobtrusive ways possible, lest the attention of the infamous James Potter or Lily Evans be turned onto themselves… Everyone had learned to leave the two of us alone during the “Two Week War,” as Sirius so expertly coined it later.

After a few moments, we were the only two there, along with our friends.

Four rows, seven curses, one slap and about forty swear words later, I gave up and fled to my room, completely dissolved in tears… I hated fighting with James Potter, in a way that surprised even me… I wanted nothing more than to go to him and apologize, but I knew there was nothing I could say just then that would make him forgive me; I wasn’t even too sure what I would be apologizing for, as I didn’t know what I’d done wrong.

But then… Finally, almost two weeks after he‘d stopped talking to me, I realized what it was.

*

“No… that can’t be right.” I argued back, frowning down at my parchment. “Do you even know what you’re doing? Transfiguration is your worst subject, too.” I sighed. I wasn’t in any mood to be messed with. In fact, I was sorely wishing Benjy would just leave and let me finish studying in peace… It wasn’t the first time he’d cornered me and not let me have any way to escape… And I had tried, Merlin knows.

“Yes it is,” Benjy laughed. He thought I was flirting when I argued… I felt sick to my stomach as he put his hand over mine. “Just look…”

Gradually, I tuned his voice out. What was I doing here, with him of all people? I knew I didn’t want to be with him. I hadn’t even meant to accept his offer to go to Hogsmeade… I should have told him before then, too.

“And this is-”

“Look, Benjy, I can’t.” I interrupted.

“Can’t… what?” He smiled, completely oblivious. I would’ve thought that for a Ravenclaw, he might’ve been a little quicker to catch on.

“Do this. I didn’t even tell you I wanted to go to Hogsmeade with you. You assumed I did. I was trying to say that I wasn’t planning on going- still don’t, in fact.” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. For some reason, I had the strange urge to cry. I’d felt like that the entire time James and I had been fighting.

At least I’d finally figured out why.

“Why not?”

“Benjy, you and I are nothing alike.” I said patiently, trying to word it so that I could get away feeling like I hadn’t hurt either of us. “I mean, really, think about it. You like classrooms and books, I like friends and people. You want to spend your Saturday with some girl you don’t even know a thing about in some town we’ve been visiting for the last four years... You know, I think every single one of us could find our way around Hogsmeade blindfolded. And me? I really don’t want to go at all.” I sighed. “I just want to be with people I care about… I want to spend a day with my friends.”

He only stared back. After a minute, he shook his head. “Aw, now, love, come on-”

“You have obviously missed it every time I have slapped guys for calling me ‘love’ over the last six years, too. I do not like when people call me that, I do not want people to call me that, and I certainly don’t want you to try and beg me to go tomorrow. Do you even know what tomorrow is to me?”

“Saturday.” he said matter-of-factly.

“That’s what I thought.” I smiled-- the first real smile in two weeks-- as I gathered my books. “Well, Benjy, I’ll be seeing you around. Enjoy Hogsmeade tomorrow.”

I took my time leaving the library, smiling at random people as I passed. Sure, James might’ve still been mad at me, but at least I had one thing off my mind.

“Hey, Lily!”

I turned as Benjy ran up to me.

“Yeah, Ben?”

He took my hand and kissed it. “I’m sorry. I’ve been a bit of a prat these last few days. I just really want to get to know you- any bloke would be wild to- you’re smart, pretty, nice… funny. You’ve always looked like someone who would be really cool to hang out with. I guess I didn’t exactly listen to you when I asked you to go with me to Hogsmeade. I wanted to ask you before Potter did, though… As long as he’s around, there’s not much of a chance for us other blokes.” He smiled at my look of puzzlement and kissed my hand again. “Tell me something, though?”

“Anything.” I said, still trying to understand what he meant…

“I’ve seen how much you and Potter argue here lately-”

“You and all of Hogwarts…” I muttered.

“-and it really gets to you, doesn’t it?”

I thought for a moment. “Yes, it does… I’ve always hated fighting with my friends.” I sighed.

“You’re close?”

“We were… or are. I’m not sure which.”

“Talk to him, then.”

I nodded slowly. “I will… if he’ll let me.”

Benjy laughed. “Well… Thanks for almost going with me. I’ve had fun these last two weeks.” He pushed a piece of hair out of my eyes. “See ya.” With a wink, he headed back to our table.

As long as he’s around, there’s not much of a chance for any of us other blokes…

As long as he’s around? He wasn’t really around, was he? I wasn’t with him…

It really gets to you, doesn’t it?

It must’ve… Surely I wasn’t unhappy and tired all the time for no reason…

You’re close?

Wish we were closer…

There’s no chance for any of us other blokes…

I didn’t even know if James knew he had a chance! I hoped he did…

Talk to him, then.

Much easier said than done.

I turned to leave the library (for the second time), but ran into something solid… I fell back, dropping my books and quill. “Ouch.. S-sorry!” And found myself looking up into the solemn gaze of none other than James Potter, himself.

Of course.

And by the look on his face, he’d heard every word that had passed between Benjy and I. In fact, I didn’t doubt he had.

Our eyes locked for the first time in… I couldn’t even remember how long. I felt like I was drowning in the deep hazel- but realized I didn’t mind… Drowning in his eyes was a feeling that was warm and comforting… yet untouchable and indefinite. I felt all my worries floating to the back of my mind for later use- petty little things that could always wait for another day. Nothing was important when I looked into James’s eyes. Nothing, that is, except James himself.

Somewhere to my left, I heard the southern-most door of the library open… footsteps… and a faint whisper of, “Lily!”

With a small shake of my head, I tore my eyes from James’s and mentally cursed myself. What was I doing, lying on the ground, in the middle of a pile of books, staring up at some bloke who wouldn’t even talk to me? I hurried to gather my books and parchment.

I knew my quill was somewhere behind me; pushing myself up on my knees, I turned to grab it, but found it already extended to me… by a very muscular, tan, defined hand.

James was kneeling on the ground near me, holding out my quill, having retrieved it for me.

I took it timidly, the pad of my thumb barely brushing against his hand. “T-thank you…”

“No problem-” he said uncertainly.

“Lily!” A voice whispered urgently. I jumped again and turned to look up at Zoe Henderson. “I’ve been looking all over for you! Professor McGonagall asked me to give this to you today in class- but I didn’t see you before last period or at dinner, and the girls said they didn‘t know where you were…”

“Thanks, Zo.” I took the roll of parchment from her as I brushed off my robes and got to my feet. I looked over my shoulder just as the door clicked shut. The moment with James had passed… If you could call it a moment.

“I think it’s about tonight. Don’t forget to go…”

“To what?” I said blankly. I felt weird inside, like my insides were all marshmallow. Very weird.

“You have your first detention…”

I grinned at her, suddenly feeling much better. “Ah… yes, about that.” I’d forgotten.

“Well, that’s what I’m for, isn’t it? To remind you of your Head meetings and detentions.”

“You’re a turkey.” I ruffled her hair with my free hand.

“Well, this turkey has to go, but I’ll see you tomorrow morning, Lily.”

“Tomorrow morning? What’s tomorrow?” All thoughts of James and what he heard vanished from my mind.

“Saturday?”

“Ah… I guess.” I nodded. “Bye.”

I smiled as I unrolled the parchment. A thought had occurred to me when Zoe said I was to have detention… James was going to be there, too… And there was certainly no way he could get away from me if I tried to talk to him. He might fight back, and argue, as was normal for the last few days, but that didn’t mean he could completely ignore me for the entire four hours or so…

Then again, from the look he had in his eyes only moments before, I wasn’t too sure I was the only one who missed having my best friend…

Best friend? There was a time when I had even refused to call him a friend… Were we just friends? I didn’t know if there was something more, though I decided right then and there that I wouldn’t mind if there was… I wouldn’t mind at all.

*

If I thought the detention wasn’t going to be that bad, that I’d get to talk to James, and everything would turn out right… I can honestly say I’ve never been more wrong in all of my seventeen years; the detention was absolutely… suffocating, to say the least. I couldn’t even think of another word for it, unless the word is “torture.” Yes, that might be true enough…

The silence might’ve been helped by the fact that we had Professor Clark (Head of Slytherin House and least liked professor at school) breathing down our necks for four hours as we scrubbed the dungeon desks… Or maybe it was what we were trying to remove from the desks: bits of dried dragon liver and snail intestines from the desktops… Or maybe it was just the sharp remarks from the professor as she criticized our every move, screeching “You missed a spot!” when things got too quiet… Or maybe, just maybe, it was a nasty combination of all three.

Not that it was completely horrible… There were a few moments where Clark was actually at her desk (of all places!), and out of our faces… and I caught James looking at me, his hazel eyes dark and apologetic, neat eyebrows knitted together with concern, a half-frown on his face as he watched me scrub.

Every time I caught him looking, I would blush all the way down (or I guess it would be up, wouldn’t it?) to my fiery locks and look back down at the desk I was supposed to be poring over… Really, I wanted to throw my arms around him and apologize profusely, but I feared that if I tried to speak, I wouldn’t be able to, that I would lose every thought I previously had, that- if I could even find the words- that I would roll over and wake up from my dream.

It would be a good dream, too, if only I could get the Head Boy to forgive whatever I had done.

But, as my luck would have it, I didn’t get the chance to apologize…

The only time I even got close was when Clark finally released us. We had only just picked up our bags and were all but running for the doors, when I looked over at him.

“James?” I said timidly. He lifted his eyes to mine and smiled. “I just wanted to tell you that-”

“Evans!”

“Yes, professor?” I stopped, but didn’t turn, knowing full well that I would never be able to apologize. We kept being interrupted every time I got the bloody chance.

“Kindly bring your bag back and take a seat.” Clark said firmly, looking (if not glaring) at me over the top of her glasses.

I turned back to James, disappointment clearly etched on my face, and smiled.

“What were you going to say?” asked James. He looked hopeful.

I blinked. “I-”

“Ten points from Gryffindor for not doing what I said, Evans. As for you, Potter, I want you to get back up to your dorm room before I take more points. Now.”

I sighed and waved to James before turning back to my Potions professor. “Yes?”

Apparently, someone still needed to clean the brushes… Even the tools to scrub needed to be scrubbed.

Kinky old professor.

*

The first thing I did on the seventeenth (the Saturday of the Hogsmeade visit) when I opened my eyes was look round for the owl, Merlin (I’d named her), I’d gotten for my parents a few years back. Merlin was a gift, a way to help them understand our wizarding ways a little better. That, and my mum and dad were always saying they wished they had a way to write me more often.

I was a little disappointed when I didn’t see her there, at my window. Every year, since I’d given her to them, she’d been waiting patiently for me on my windowsill the morning of my birthday, a gift tied to her legs, a white lily and a letter (my favourite part) in her beak. Occasionally tapping the window if I was sleeping longer than usual.

I looked forward to that part of my birthday; mum would always say something extra special in the letter, some needed piece of advice that she wanted to share, something that I would read and think about (and put into effect) as often as I could upon learning it. I think I just needed some sort of advice even more that year.

I glanced at the clock at my bedside. Maybe my parents hadn’t gotten up yet. Yes, that was it, they weren’t up yet to send anything. That, or Merlin was on her way, even as I sat there. It was only ten o’clock, after all… Wait… Ten? I never slept in… Merlin, I must have been exhausted from that detention…

“Morning, Lily.” Nora yawned, breaking me out of my reverie. She was peeking out at me from under her thick covers.

I smiled half-heartedly at her. “Morning.”

“How was detention? Horrible?”

“Just about…”

“What’d you have to do?” She stretched her tan arms out in front of her lazily, crumpling up her short black hair as she did.

“Scrub…” I bit my lip, staring reproachfully at the little pool of icy water and muck that was collecting on the base of the window (on the outside)… It was a rainy day- my favourite, and I didn’t even feel like going out in it.

“Something wrong?” she asked concernedly.

“Just tired, still,” I shrugged, not wanting to voice my thoughts. I’d never been one to look or ask for any extra attention, and I certainly wasn’t one to ask for people to wish me a happy birthday… I wanted them to just know. I didn’t want to have to remind them.

“I’m going to take a shower, I think…” I sighed and took a fresh pair of jeans and a dark green sweater out of my trunk. With one last look out my empty window, I hurried across the cold floor to the loo. I would’ve thought that out of all people, Nora, the observant one, the listener, the giver-of-advice would have remembered what December seventeenth was… If not, I wasn’t going to be disappointed. It was just my birthday, anyway… The one where I was to come of age…

Nothing big.

*

“Hey, Lily.”

I smiled. “Hey, Remus…” I handed him a plate as he took the seat across from me.

“Lovely day, isn‘t it? If you have a rain fetish, that is.” he smirked at me, pulling a copy of the Daily Prophet out of his bag.

“Mmm… lovely.” I tilted my head back, to look up at the enchanted ceiling. The sky was a stormy grey… just the way I liked it. I settled my eyes back on Remus’s. “Why aren’t you in Hogsmeade?” I asked lightly (almost suspiciously).

Remus was insightful and observant enough… Surely he remembered?

“Ah, well… Sirius is off with a girl- left me early, Peter is following James around, naturally. But, as you know, James isn’t much of a morning person. He got up a little on the tetchy side… I guess because of the detention. Says it went horrible. But since yesterday, he’s not been as bad- I think he’s realizing no one likes him like this.” He grinned wolfishly up at me. “So I’m on my own for today. Figured I’d go to Hogsmeade and refill my stash.” He smiled. “Of sweets, of course.”

“Oh… Well, he was right, detention was horrible… We couldn’t talk at all- Clark was breathing down our necks the whole time… Not that he’d have spoken to me if I tried, anyway… but, you know…”

“Want to talk about it?”

I shrugged and reached for the bacon… My fingertips were barely brushing the edge of the plate. With a frown, I fell back in my seat. I couldn’t even eat the food I wanted.

Remus smiled patiently and handed me the plate with ease.

“Sod…” I muttered.

He only chuckled, however, and leaned forward again. “You miss talking to him, I know.”

“I’m sure that’s why he does it.”

“No, it isn’t.” Remus said thoughtfully. He laid the newspaper on the bench beside his bag. He bit his lip for a moment before looking up at me. “I’ve noticed something about him. In all the time that I’ve known him, if I had to use one word to describe him, it would be persistent. I’ve never seen him give up on something without perfectly good reason… Now, I have seen him get confused… or stumped on something. When this happens, he has to take a step back and rethink things. He almost always needs time, just to look at his situation.”

So that’s it? He was confused… “You’re saying… that I confused him?” I asked slowly.

Remus paused. “Something did, yes.” He poured himself a goblet of pumpkin juice. “But… this time, I don’t think he knows what to do, even though he has thought about it, so he does all he can think of, and argues with you. It’s his way of…”

“Figuring it out.” I said quietly.

“Yeah… Figuring it out.”

My shoulders fell. This was going to be next to impossible. “So what do I do?” I frowned down at my plate, then up at Remus. “I don’t even know what set all this off in the first place… Well, I might know, but I’m not sure.”

He went back to looking thoughtful. “Well, if I were you, I’d go to him. It’s the fastest- and best- way to settle any argument, don’t you think?”

“You’re such a great friend, Remmy. Do you know that? I dunno what we’d all do without you.” I smiled in relief and put my hand on his arm. “Thank you.”

“Anytime, Lily. Anytime.” His amber eyes softened and crinkled slightly as he smiled. “You’re not so bad, yourself, you know.” He winked.

“Oh, please, I knew that already.” I squeezed his arm before standing up. “Well… sort of. Anyway, have fun in Hogsmeade.” I waved and turned to make my way back up to the Gryffindor Tower…

I wasn’t going another day without talking to James.

In the entrance hall, I considered going to Hogsmeade, to find James and force him to listen… But then, I remembered my next detention was only a few hours away… And, like I’d planned for the previous one, I could always trap him there.

He certainly wouldn’t be able to get away from McGonagall.

At the top of the marble staircase, I had a thought…

I had a detention on my birthday.

How ironic.

*

*

A/N: *cackles and grins* Soo… It’s only been, like, six months. Do you hate me enough to not review? I hope not! I’d love to have loads of reviews. Why? Oh, I think I could compromise your reviews for a new chapter. *grin widens* Yes, I believe I’m evil, or so I’ve been told… So get those fingers to typin’! *wink*

[A/N: So! Ahem. I’ve just spent the last two hours of my life, lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, to no avail. I am absolutely exhausted, and I could not figure out why, oh why, I cannot go to sleep. Then, about… twelve minutes ago, it hits me. I need to post. Why? Oh, my beloved readers, I knew I could not really leave you in suspense in the middle of a L/J fic. Who am I to deprive you of your L/J fix of the day? But you must know that on my way through the kitchen (for sustenance, of course), the oddest thing happens. I’m walking by the creepy, dark, tall window (at some point past one in the morning) when the power goes out. There is no storm, lightning, thunder, rain… anything. Hmm. Magic? Yes, I believe it was destined that I post again, instead of waiting months until I add a new chapter. Okay, now I’m just being an idiot, so I’ll let you get to your reading… *giggles* But I do love being an idiot. Cheers!

Actually, there’s one more thing. I realized I’ve never put the fic’s full title anywhere! How Many Ways doesn’t really make much sense, does it? Well, that’s because it isn’t the full name. Hmm, I’m becoming quite the dolt in my old age (17...lol).

*

How Many Ways Can a Heart Break

Seven… A Day to Remember (Or Forget)

“You know, I feel like I’ve been forgetting something…” said Michelle vaguely, looking around the Great Hall with interest, as though seeing something there would remind her of that which she had forgotten.

“Try looking across the table,” I muttered bitterly. I hadn’t thought it would bother me so much, having them not remember my birthday, but Merlin, was it ever! I was even to the point of being slightly cross with my friends, though I almost felt bad for it… It wasn’t their fault. We were all a little more preoccupied, with getting ready to go home for the hols and… homework… and the Hogsmeade trip… Even though we weren’t actually going to Hogsmeade.

The only people left in the castle, really, were the first and second years, and four or five Ravenclaw seventh years, who, I assumed, were as unimpressed with Hogsmeade as I was that day. I rather liked the school being so empty, really. It made me wish I had put my name down on the list of people staying for those two long weeks… Doubly so when my two long weeks were to be full to the brim of Petunia’s fake Christmas cheer, Petunia’s jagged insults, Petunia’s annoying nosiness, Petunia’s sickening adoration for her new husband-to-be... Pretty much, it would be two long weeks full to the brim of Petunia. It made me nauseous just to think about it; I was already dreading Sunday, when I would ride the Hogwarts Express home.

“I can’t think what it is. It feels like it‘s something important… Why can‘t I remember?” Michelle sighed discontentedly, eyes back on her plate.

“No clue.” I forced a smile. “I hope you remember soon, though.”

“Me, too…” She twirled her fork between her fingers. “Anyway, are you finished?” She gestured to my empty plate. I hadn’t even tried to eat.

“Guess so.” I raised my eyebrows.

Wordlessly, I got to my feet and picked up my bag, leading the way from the Hall.

“So what are your plans for today?”

“I think I’m going to go to the Library, or Owlery, or something… Not sure yet.” I forced a smile. “Not to mention my detention later.”

“Ah… I see. Let’s go up to the Owlery, then. I need to send a letter, anyway.” Michelle nodded, opening her bag as we walked.

“Okay…” I shifted my bag so that it was a little more comfortable.

Feeling slightly depressed, I started counting the marble steps as we climbed… Eight… Nine… Ten…

I could remember my tenth birthday only faintly… Too bad I hadn’t known then that I was to be a witch… I would’ve had so much to look forward to…

Eleven…

Oh, my eleventh birthday was… special. I could never forget it. It was my first birthday at Hogwarts. It had been a fun day, even when I had reluctantly agreed to allow James Potter to give me a “gift.” It had turned out to be a sprig of mistletoe… Above my head.

Twelve…

When I was twelve, I was hoping more than anything that the cute Ravenclaw a year ahead would notice me… I was head over heels at the time, especially when he smiled at me during breakfast… That, at the time, was the best birthday gift ever…

Thirteen…

At thirteen, I was more worried about my annoyingly red hair that I thought frizzed too much, eyes that were too round and too bright, skin that was too white, and freckles that were too noticeable…

Fourteen…

My fourteenth birthday was huge. We were out for the holidays by the time it came around, so Nora, Michelle, and I were staying at Kendra’s house… er… mansion. One night, people started showing up- by the dozens. I don’t know if there was anyone who attended Hogwarts at the time who wasn’t there (except the Slytherins, obviously), even out of the upper years. It was one groovy party…

Fifteen…

That year, we were still in school there was a Quidditch game on the day of my birthday… Even though it was the middle of December. James had specifically requested the game for that date. Everyone thought it strange that he would do such a thing… Until he had Remus, who was commenting that game, to remind all that it was indeed my birthday… Upon hearing this, everyone clapped for me and demanded that I got into the middle of the pitch, where James was waiting. Of course, he only wanted a kiss… That didn’t go too well…

Sixteen…

Had it only been one year? It was a Friday… I remembered it especially well because we were on our way home for the hols. I had thought it wasn’t going to be anything big, just a normal birthday on the Hogwarts Express, with my friends… until they all followed me to my parents car- Michelle, Kendra, and Nora, that is. They all ended up going home with me… and staying for the entire holiday. I could hardly believe my parents permitted it, but it had been their idea. I hadn’t ever had so much fun on my holiday at home…

Seventeen…

As I stepped up on the seventeenth step, I stopped. Seventeen steps; seventeen birthdays…

I didn’t have much to think about this one, yet. It was going to be my last birthday at Hogwarts. “This time next year, I won’t even be in school…” I muttered, staring at the marble.

Saying this must have sparked a thought in Michelle, because she jumped and put her hand to her mouth. “Lily!” she gasped and snapped her fingers. “I’ve just remembered what it was!” She grinned at me.

I felt my heart jump. Had she finally…?

“I forgot to get my little brother a Christmas present! If I don’t get it today, I won’t have a chance to get one for him before next week. I’m going to have to run down to Hogsmeade… Care to go?”

There was a moment of disappointed silence. “No… I don‘t want to be late for my detention.” I smiled patiently. Oh, well.

“All right, then,” She turned on her heel and ran back down the steps… Seventeen steps. “see you at dinner!” she called over her shoulder, closing her bag as she ran.

With a sigh, I turned to look back at step number seventeen.

“Nothing special.”

I spent the rest of the afternoon, reading and napping in our secret room (the one Michelle and I found… er- heard about and found). I felt that if no one wanted to remember my birthday, I wouldn’t be in their way, or try to remind them.

Books and sleep were fine and all, but I did miss my friends, and, although I would probably never admit it to them, I felt neglected and unimportant, because they had forgotten my seventeenth birthday, the day I was to come of age. Really, to me, it was a very important day.

“But not to them…” I sighed, putting my favourite book, Pride and Prejudice, back on the shelf. It was getting late, and even though I‘d purposely missed dinner, I wanted something to eat… A quick trip to the kitchens wouldn’t hurt.

But as I left the secret room from the back of the castle and wandered through the cold rain, I felt my hunger diminishing. I didn’t want food. I didn’t even feel like twirling in the rain… Unusual.

So, instead of taking the door that would (eventually) lead to the kitchens (or the Hufflepuff common room, where I had been on many occasions, with Michelle), I went up the marble stairs (yes, I counted the steps as I went, eyes lingering on the seventeenth one, wondering if I would have the same opinion of it all year… On the last day of school, would I be able to walk up these steps and look fondly at the seventeenth? Who knew… they were just marble steps, anyway… Or were they?).

But no, I didn’t want food…

I wanted my friends.

I had never been more relieved to find myself rounding the corner to the Gryffindor Corridor.

I had been a little nervous as I wandered through the halls; it was too empty. Sure, I liked not having people shoving past me or stepping on my toes as they hurried past, but it was rather eerie to see only five people on my way up to the tower… especially when all five were Slytherins (it made me wonder what they’d done to the rest of the school). On any other night (or every other night), people would still be coming back from the Great Hall; dinner had only just ended a few minutes before.

I was so relieved to see the familiar portrait of the Fat Lady, in fact, that I might’ve even hugged her, had she been… real.

Especially when she smiled warmly at me. It made me feel a little better, though I wasn’t exactly sure why. It was a comforting smile.

“Pickled Toad Skins…”

I wasn’t so upset anymore that my friends had forgotten my birthday, it wasn’t that big of a deal, anyway. Just, you know, my seventeenth birthday. It wasn’t like it should have been a big deal that I was coming of age. Huh-uh.

Not that I would turn down a “Happy Birthday” if anyone decided to remember.

Well… “Happy Birthday” is exactly what I got when the Fat Lady opened the portrait hole.

A blast (literally) issued from inside when it swung open, causing me to step back in surprise. I had never seen the common room more packed- surely those weren’t only Gryffindors?

I just stood in the corridor, gaping.

The decorations were enough to take one’s breath away… curly streamers and ribbons hung from the ceiling, balloons floated here and there (some limp on the floor), banners were draped around, saying things like, “Happy Birthday, Lily!” and “We didn’t forget!” All in Gryffindor colours, of course.

If the decorations didn’t do it, the tables lining the walls could have, as covered with food, sweets, and butterbeer as they were…

Or maybe all the people would be enough.

Well… whatever, it was, my breath was taken away.

“Bloody Merlin!”

That was all I could say. After all the work everyone had obviously done, all I could do was say, “Bloody Merlin.”

Could’ve been worse… I think.

Suddenly, I was pulled into the common room (by only Merlin knows who, I was still in a half-daze), where I could see everything better. I watched the steady rain of confetti falling from the ceiling. Er… I think it was falling from the ceiling. Could’ve been from anywhere, I suppose.

“Are you sure the tower isn’t going to fall over, with all these people?” I asked slowly.

It certainly looked as though it might… It was no wonder I hadn’t seen anyone in any of the corridors or passages. They were all here, in the Gryffindor Common Room, which, by the looks of it, had been magically expanded, to hold so many. Normally, on Friday nights and such, when the whole of Gryffindor House was in the common room, there was just enough space to fit us all… It most definitely wouldn’t hold that many under normal circumstances.

Suddenly, I grinned at everyone. It must have been a signal for them all to surge forward… because they did. I felt like a Quidditch star, the way people were so eager to hug me or pat my back… I would have almost believed myself to be one, if I could ride a broom.

“Happy Birthday, Lily!” I turned, but didn’t know who said it.

“You’re finally of age, yeah?” Alice Hale, a Hufflepuff girl in my year smiled. “Congratulations!” I smiled.

“Thanks…”

“You’re old!” Zoe giggled; she was somewhere around…

There she was, trying to push her way through a group of Ravenclaw sixth years. With a smile, I helped pull her through. “Maybe, but you’re still a turkey, kiddo!” I ruffled her hair.

I felt warm arms slide around me. Turning my head, I found Sirius Black grinning wolfishly at me. “You’re old enough for me, now, babe,” he winked.

I ducked under his arms and faced him, grinning. “Something like that.”

“Hey, Frank! How about that music?” I could hear Kendra, but not see her.

Michelle pushed her way forward. “Where’ve you been all day? We’ve been looking for you everywhere!”

“Not everywhere, or you‘d have found me…” I stuck my tongue out at her… Very mature of me.

“Did you think we really had forgotten?” Nora asked sheepishly from my left. Finally, I’d made it over to my friends. “I felt bad this morning, you know.”

I shrugged. “It’s okay.”

“And me? I’ve had Josh’s gift since November. I had to go pick up some more streamers…” Michelle grinned. She gestured around the room.

“Speaking of gifts…” Kendra nudged my arm and pointed… at something. I couldn’t see for all the people.

At once, everyone started clapping and yelling… I really felt like a Quidditch star.

“Open them!”

“Presents!”

“Oi! Open ‘em up, Lily!”

Michelle grinned and pushed me to the middle of the room. “You have to do what the crowd says.”

“This… this is a lot of presents.” I stood in front of a large table, staring wide eyed at the mound of presents… all for me.

“Well, we tried.”

“The gift thing isn’t supposed to be first, is it? What about… everything else?”

“Oh, we’ve already gotten started on snacks and all… There‘s a cake somewhere around. A bloody big one.” Michelle snorted. “But it took you ages to get here.”

“Well, what can I say? I was off wallowing in self pity.” I winked.

There was a ripple of laughter.

“You were all in on this, weren’t you?” I narrowed my eyes suspiciously, glancing around at the smiling faces… When really, I only wanted to see one… But didn’t.

James.

It appeared that every person there had brought a gift- I lost count at twenty-eight… Of course, there were many, many more. I knew it wouldn’t all fit in my trunk.

Not that I was complaining.

I got everything from new robes (sky-blue, jet-black, royal-purple, light pink, icy-white ,and dark green), to a set of muggle books (I let out a squeal of delight when I opened them- good books, those were. Of course, the gift was from Remus- who else? I‘d talked about them non-stop during sixth year, so, as the other Gryffindor prefect in my year, he got to hear it all). I got enough sweets to last me until my eighteenth birthday, enough pranks (mostly from Sirius, naturally) to satisfy my rebellious urge (when/if it decided to show itself), enough fancy quills, colored ink, and scented parchment (which wasn’t entirely bad, but was definitely a gift from the people who didn’t know what else to get me, I suppose I did seem to be the studious-writer type) to write my own series of books, and enough perfume (from people who really didn’t know me well… I never really liked perfume) to possibly improve the rest of everyone’s year by drenching Snivel- erm… Snape everyday with a different scent (I even said so, as I found myself opening my twelfth bottle, much to everyone‘s amusement- no one minded hearing someone- even the Head Girl- saying something against a Slytherin, particularly Snape. Every person in the school had been insulted or annoyed by him at some point; it was normal for everyone but those in his house to loathe him).

As I opened my presents, I thanked each person (as it was directed by the card) and smiled my best smile at them, occasionally finding the person and giving them a hug, depending how close we were. I hoped, more than anything, that James would give me a present- not necessarily because I wanted a gift from him at all, but because I wanted to hug him.

I needed to hug him.

I needed to apologize to him.

I needed him.

I needed James.

“Alice, thank you for those robes… Merlin knows I’ve needed new ones for ages…” I smiled and hugged my friend.

Everyone was back to talking, laughing, and now, dancing, as all the presents had been opened and the music was going again.

“Well, happy birthday, Lily. You deserve all this, you know.” Alice gestured around the room with a smile.

“Did you-”

“Erm… Lily? You forgot one present.”

I turned to smile at Benjy Fenwick. “Oh… Hi, Ben.” It was a real smile, too.

“Well, you didn’t really forget it, I guess… I’ve been holding it, because I wanted to give it to you personally.” He stared down at the silver and purple wrapped box, then up at me nervously. “Hope you like it.” He grinned half-heartedly.

Alice touched my arm. “I’m going to go see Frank for a few, Lily, I’ll see you, okay? Happy birthday, again.”

“Thanks, Alice…” I said blankly, still staring at the box in my hands. It was a bout the size of a shoebox, but felt very light… and empty, like air. “Do you want me to…”

“Go ahead.” Benjy tilted his head to the side to watch, a habit I’d noticed he did a lot, especially when thinking.

I untied the velvety ribbon and pulled off the lid… Inside, laying on top of a layer of pure, fluffy white cotton, was a beautiful white lily. It’s stem was perfectly cut, it’s leaves looked nothing less than fresh… The petals themselves almost seemed to glow, they were so white. “Benjy… It’s… beautiful!” I breathed, unable to take my eyes from it.

“Well… It isn’t much. I just bought the flower. It wasn’t anything expensive… I did put a charm on it, though. I put a-”

“Long-lasting refreshing charm, basically.” I nodded, finally tearing my eyes from the lily to look into Benjy’s soft grey eyes. “It won’t ever die, pretty much. Right? That’s not a very easy charm, really… But you… and it’s… I love it, Ben.” I smiled, touching it lightly with my fingertip.

“I hope so. I wanted to get you something special… I just didn’t know what. I know that they are your favourite flower- and not because of their name. I remember you saying something about it once… Anyway, I thought that if it had that charm, you could always keep it and have a pretty flower… It’ll always smell good, too.”

I looked back down at it again, before reaching up and pulling him into a warm hug. “Really, it’s perfect.” I whispered, kissing him on the cheek.

“So… friends?” he asked as we pulled apart.

I grinned at him. “Friends.” And held out my hand.

He took it gladly.

“Speaking of which… Have you had a chance to talk to Potter yet?”

“N-o…” I said slowly, biting my lip. “But… Well, I’m going to…” I sighed. “Eventually.” I added, as an afterthought.

“You should, before you go.” He smiled crookedly. “Well, I’ve got to go… I only wanted to give you this,” He smiled apologetically. “But happy birthday…”

I watched him walk out of the portrait hole before a thought occurred to me.

“Hey, Benjy! Wait!” But the portrait was already closed. I hurried after him, but made sure nothing could harm the lily. “Ben?”

He was already halfway down the corridor when I called out to him, standing half in the common room, half in the corridor. He turned back curiously, eyebrows raised.

“Yesterday in the library, when I asked you what today was, you knew, didn’t you? You just said it was Saturday, because you knew about this.” I waved behind me, toward the party.

He shrugged. “I’m saying nothing on this one, love.” He winked and put his hands in his pockets innocently. “See you after the holidays?”

“After the holidays…”

“Well, don’t forget to talk to Potter… He’s ready to forgive you.”

With one last smile, I turned back around and let the portrait swing shut.

“Hey, Lily!” Sirius called.

“Mm?”

“Come here for a minute, please…” He looked innocent… too innocent.

I made my way warily over to him, carefully eyeing the “innocent” look in his eye. True, he normally had a little bit of a mischievous glint in his eye, like James, and only looked that innocent when he was in trouble or about to pull a prank. I would have been amused… if I wasn’t so worried about what he was up to.

“What did I do?”

“Oh, nothing…”

At that moment, the lights went out and a slow song came on (Frank Longbottom was set up in one of the corners of the room, playing D.J). I raised an eyebrow suspiciously. “O-kay…” I said slowly.

“I would like the first dance with the birthday-girl, who is now of age.” He smiled charmingly, looking even more Sirius-like than ever. Oh, I loved having him for a friend.

It was then that I noticed everyone had stopped talking to watch, as Sirius Black, one of the two biggest pranksters in Hogwarts led the prim and proper Head Girl into the very middle of the room, to dance… a slow dance.

I think most of them were wondering if Sirius really could slow dance. He certainly didn’t look like the type.

He took my right hand in his and put his hand on my waist. Wow. I was already impressed. He pulled me closer and grinned at me.

“Surprised, aren’t you? I can tell. You thought I didn’t know how to dance.” He feigned a look of deepest hurt. “You all doubt my abilities…”

“Ah, poor Siri…” I cooed.

“I know… poor me.” He grinned again. “So what now? Do you think you’re old enough for me?”

“If I was after you, Siri, you’d know it.” I said suggestively, raising an eyebrow. “And I’ve always been old enough for anyone I want.” I winked flirtatiously and giggled as he spun me.

He laughed. I had never noticed just how intense his eyes were… They were dark… yet light. Close… yet far away. So happy and playful… yet sad and serious (excuse the pun).

“Do all the Marauders have eyes that are-” I trailed off as Sirius’s (seriously intense) eyes shifted to something (or someone) over my shoulder. His entire face brightened- including his eyes.

I swallowed hard, knowing who it was, before he even put his hand on my arm. I closed my eyes as a very familiar, very deep voice said “May I cut in?” in the softest, most welcome voice I’d ever known.

Finally, James had figured things out… And if not, he was about to. I was going to help him.

I had to.

“Of course!” Sirius said brightly, twirling me one last time-- into James‘s arms… But I didn’t mind; I don’t think I’d ever been happier to see him.

“James…” I breathed. I swallowed hard on the lump in my throat. It would be a very bad time to lose my words. “Hi.”

“Hi…” He smiled sheepishly. I took this as a good sign.

“Look… I’m sorry-”

“No, you don’t have to-”

“-it was all because-”

“-apologize, it wasn’t you-”

“-and I hate it when we-”

“-I was just being a git-”

“-fight. I missed you.”

The sad, apologetic look was replaced with a curious, disbelieving one, this time accompanied with a smile. “Lily, you-”

“Mr. Potter!”

James jumped and whirled around. The entire room went silent. McGonagall in the common room? It was certainly unusual…

We all silently wondered what James could have done this time; he was in Hogsmeade all day, wasn’t he?

I felt guilty for a moment. Were we late for our detention already?

I leaned around James‘s shoulder. “It isn’t time for our detention yet, is it, professor?” I asked, half-jokingly, hoping to lighten the mood. She looked too serious- the most haunted, lost look I’d ever seen on her face… It scared me.

McGonagall’s eyes flicked on to me for only a second before she bowed her head and turned to go. Apparently, she was in a mood that was none too light. “Potter…” she repeated, this time not so loud. “In the corridor, if you please.”

James’s eyes widened. “I swear, professor, I didn’t do it this time, I was actually-”

McGonagall shook her head solemnly. “This has nothing to do with a prank.”

At this, everyone swallowed nervously.

Why was she avoiding my eyes?

James shrugged nonchalantly. “All right, then.” He squeezed my hand. I hadn’t even realized he was still holding it. “Don’t have too much fun without me,” he grinned around the room.

Everyone laughed-- once. We all knew something serious had happened.

But… If it had been some sort of attack on one of the nearest towns, or anything to do with Voldemort, Dumbledore would have wanted to see the Head Boy and Girl, not just one… If someone’s parents had died, as was still too common, he would have sent for both of us, too…

Something was wrong.

Either it was about me, and McGonagall wanted James to tell me, or it was about James, and she didn’t want everyone hearing…

But then… why hadn’t she looked me in the eye?

“Oh, Lily, stop worrying… He’s been gone a total of about twenty seconds…” Michelle tried to smile.

“Try two minutes, actually.” I snorted, plucking at a green string on my turtleneck.

“It can’t have been too bad…” said Nora. We all noticed she didn’t sound too sure of herself.

“Ah, well… I haven’t had a dance yet!” Remus said suddenly. He smiled at me. “Please?”

I rolled my eyes and tried to look mad, though my thoughts were still on James. “All right… I suppose.”

He took my hand and led me to the middle of the room, where I had danced with Sirius and James.

“I was wondering if you were going to ask me, you know…” I smirked at him, feeling playful, putting my other hand on his arm.

“Oh?” He grinned.

“I didn’t think you were ever going to, as much as you’ve been hanging on Michelle…” I glanced innocently around the room.

“I wasn’t hanging on her!” He argued, but was smiling all the same.

“Yes, you-”

“She was hanging on me.” He said simply. “And I’m certainly not one to complain.”

“Well… That’s obvious.” I chuckled, forgetting for a moment that James had gone… and the look on McGonagall’s face when she’d looked at me. “But you two really did look cute together…”

“Course we…” A bewildered look crossed his face as he stared over my shoulder. We stopped dancing. For the second time that night, I looked over my shoulder… This time, however, it wasn’t a happy look on James’s face.

I don’t know if Frank turned off the music and everyone went silent again, or if my ears stopped working… Whichever it was, I felt like a dam broke in my chest… Instead of the happiness that was there moments before, I felt fear. Cold, icy fear.

James bit his lip, swallowed (hard), and put his hand on my arm. “Lily… We have to go to the Headmaster’s office.” He wasn’t meeting my eyes.

I felt like my entire body had been immersed in deep, icy water.

“Ah, Mr. Potter… Miss Evans…”

Professor Dumbledore looked very serious… His look even mirrored the one that Professor McGonagall had shown not seconds ago.

And I knew why I was there.

I’d known since I’d first seen McGonagall’s face… the way she’d looked at me… the way James touched my arm when he came back… the way Dumbledore said my name.

You might even go so far as to say I knew that day when James and I brought Zoe up to the Headmaster’s office… to hear the very same news.

“I… I know, professor.” I said softly. “I know what you’re going to tell me.” I glued my eyes to the floor, not able to do anything else.

My parents were dead…

Dead.

“Miss Evans, don’t you think…”

I didn’t know what I thought, but I knew what I knew. I knew I didn’t want to hear the old man before me apologizing over and over, it would be pointless. I knew I didn’t need to hear it. I knew I didn’t want to know exactly how they died…. If I did, I knew I would dream about it… I would imagine it, I would see it, I would hear it… I would be there when it happened.

I knew I didn’t want to hear anything he could say to me.

So I did the only thing I knew how to do at the time.

I walked out of his office, not listening to what he was saying, or thinking about where I was going. It didn’t matter.

My family was dead.

How I made it out of his office and down the winding stairs, I’ll never know…

I don’t even know how I made it all the way down to the first floor. All I know is that I when I finally had the courage to open my eyes, I found myself sitting on the seventeenth step of the marble stairs…

And James had his arms around me… He was crying.

Why couldn’t I?

My family was dead.

I was the only one left…

And it was all my fault.

James pulled me closer, whispering something in my ear, though I didn’t hear him.

I closed my eyes again and dug my face in his chest. “Well… happy birthday to me.” I whispered, finally feeling the tears. He kissed the top of my head sadly.

That seventeenth step may not have been happy… But I wasn’t going to forget it.

*

*

A/N: Anyone care to congratulate me for posting so soon? Heh, well, I actually do mean that I will do it again. Within the week. Oh! I know, it’ll be a shock to you all, but I can’t help it, can I? Leaving you the way I did, I just feel terrible. Would you call that a cliff-hanger?

I’ve written the entire fic, in fact. It’s not much longer, but I have to say… it’s my favorite of all my fics (on the computer in my room, I have somewhere around… fifteen, or so--and that‘s the completed ones! The rest, I haven‘t been able to do much with, sadly).

And I will post a new chap within the next week! …Even faster for more reviews…?

Eight… A Matter Of Time

“Lily… I want to give you something before you go.” Zoe said timidly, so that I barely heard her over the uproar of the platform.

I half-smiled at her in response, but didn’t let it reach my eyes. I didn’t feel like smiling. I didn’t even feel like talking to her.

“It was my mother’s…” she whispered, pulling a small green book out of her book bag. She stared wistfully at it for a moment, before taking a deep breath and holding it out nervously. “But I want you to have it.”

“Zo…” My voice cracked (probably because I hadn’t used it since the night before, and hadn’t tried) and tears welled up in my eyes.

“Promise me one thing.” Zoe said. I looked at her. “That if you ever need to talk to me, you will… I know I‘m just a little first year and all, but you‘ve been there for me, Lily, and I want to be there for you. I just want to help… You‘re like my sister- you‘re like my family. You and Sammy are all I have left… I want to help you the way you helped me, okay?”

I nodded, unable to do anything else.

“Well… Owl me if you need to… I don’t care when it is.” Zoe smiled encouragingly. “I know how it feels.” she said softly- so softly, in fact, that I barely heard.

I raised my eyes. With another small smile (this one a little more heartfelt), I reached up and ruffled her hair, like I had done so many times before. “Thanks.” I whispered.

“I have to go, Sammy is waiting… But I’ll see you soon, Lily.” She looked over my face carefully for a moment and disappeared through the crowd. I watched her go in silence, my white hands clinging weakly to the book. When she was out of sight, I closed my eyes and hung my head. We really were like sisters.

Slowly, I opened the cover of the book. Inside, was a note, hastily written.

Zoe, my dearest. I’ve had this book for many years- keeping it with me at all times, so that maybe, one day, I might give it to you. I wanted you to be able to read my thoughts, to know

I guessed the writer had been Zoe’s mother… I could see her scribbling in her beloved book in the last few moments of her life, so that Zoe might know how much she loved her. She hadn’t even gotten to finish the bit to Zoe! I felt the familiar sensation that my heart was being broken… Yet again.

I slammed the book shut and pushed it into the pocket of my jacket… The one I’d been wearing since the night before. I was wearing all the same clothes, as a matter of fact..

I needed to go home.

Even if I had no home to go to… A house… yes, but no home.

I only wanted my family back, just like Zoe.

Sadly, I heaved my trunk on a nearby trolley and pushed it through the barrier, entering the muggle world… alone.

*

With a deep sigh, I walked through the rooms of my once familiar and beloved house… Now cheerless and cold. Chairs were overturned, hex marks streaked the floor… But the one thing that nearly made me melt into pieces was a picture that usually stood proudly on the mantel. I saw the plastic frame that Petunia and I had so carefully painted years ago… But it was in pieces on the floor. The glass was in shatters everywhere… in the fireplace… stuck in the carpet… under the window. I kneeled down on the hearth, where, ripped carelessly down the middle, was the picture of my family… Now gone, forever lost to me.

Biting my lip, I pulled out my wand and tapped the picture (was I even allowed to do magic out of school yet? I didn’t know… or care). My mum and dad smiled cheerily up at me, arms lovingly around each other. Petunia was standing next to them, hands clasped politely in front of her. I was sitting on the floor, a book in my lap, grinning innocently at the camera.

I turned sadly around my bedroom… I hadn’t been there in ages. The room was still the way I’d left it, all the way down to the pile of magazines spread around the floor.

The only thing that I noticed was different were the sheets on my bed… Mum must have changed them after I left. Feeling fresh tears stinging my eyes, I curled up on my bed with the old quilt mum had made for me all those years ago.

Exhaustion overwhelmed me and within moments, I gave way to a hazy dream, full of smiles and love… and James.

Another thing I missed more than life itself… but didn’t seem able to have.

Couldn’t just one good thing happen for me?

*

The next morning, I woke to the loud tap of an owl slamming its beak on my bedroom window. I groaned and rolled over, not really caring who the letter was from. I didn’t recognize the owl, anyway, so I wouldn’t have to feel bad if I just didn’t take the letter.

The owl, however, didn’t seem to want to take no for an answer, as it only tapped louder.

I shifted so that I could glare at it with one eye, which obviously didn’t faze the owl. He only glared back, wanting me to take the letter, so he could go home.

I rolled off my bed and stalked over to the window, my head swimming… My only thought was to get that blasted owl to stop tapping.

With a sigh, I yanked the casement open and snatched the letter from the owl. After a quick nip on my hand, it flew away.

I scowled after him for a moment.

But then, my anger faded. Surely, being cross with an owl wouldn’t help me feel better… or bring my parents back.

I started to close the window, but changed my mind, just in case there were going to be more owls… Then, at least, I wouldn’t have to get up again. Never mind how cold and wet it was outside.

My name was written on the front of the parchment… It was from Nora. I couldn’t even force myself to open it.

Instead, I dropped the letter carelessly on top of my desk and fell back onto my bed, face-first.

I could feel a dull ache in my head, and one in my stomach… though I wasn’t sure if I was sick, or just extremely hungry. I couldn’t remember eating the day before…

Really, I couldn’t remember much of anything that had happed the previous day, except that I had somehow managed to get onto the Hogwarts Express without facing any of my friends… I knew I had wanted nothing more than to avoid them, so avoid them I had.

And done an excellent job of it…

But I couldn’t help but wish that I had spoken with James, at least… or just seen him, even.

*

By the time Wednesday- the day of the funeral- had come, I was exhausted- not only physically, but mentally. I hadn’t had any proper sleep since before I had come home, hadn’t eaten a real meal since before that, even, and hadn’t seen or spoken to anyone since Zoe on the train… It didn’t help that I couldn’t cry over their deaths, either. I felt like I should have, but I couldn’t. All I felt was numb.

It was horrible.

And seeing the pile of letters and rolls of parchment that people had written to me didn’t help. By the second day, I had to clear it all off the kitchen table, because I couldn’t even see the top anymore. I didn’t even open any of it, I just brushed it all into the trash bin. More came everyday, too… By owl in the morning, by muggle post in the afternoon… even by personal delivery in the evening.

It seemed that every person my parents had known, every far off acquaintance knew about the “accident.”

From what I gathered, the muggles all thought the house had been broken into, that my parents had been shot… I cringed the first time I heard it. They couldn’t really believe that lie, could they? But they did… and I was almost envious of that. I wished I could believe that their deaths could have been an accident- I wished I could have believed it to have been for any reason but what it was… My fault.

And the casserole didn’t help. Every person that stopped by the house seemed to see fit to bring by a large dish of casserole.

I had never seen so much casserole in my life- and never wanted to again.

I gave up even answering the door at all when the buzzer rang, I just let it ring. Even if I did answer it, I didn’t say anything, I just half-listened as the person went on and on about how sorry they were, how they would do anything they could for me, how they knew my parents so well… Then, I had to let them hug me or cry on my shoulder, while I handed them a tissue.

Never once did I speak, though.

My only consolation was the fact that no one demanded me to. I was grateful of that, if of nothing else.

*

Friday morning, I got up early (though I hadn’t gotten much sleep, if any at all), and started getting ready… for the funeral.

I pulled out all the stops to look nice… I fixed my hair, did my make-up (with a spell, of course, though I still wasn’t entirely sure if I was allowed), polished my nails…

It was the last time I’d ever see my parents; I had to look nice, for them.

Even if I knew how miserable I would feel, having to look into their cold faces, knowing it was my fault they had died.

If it wasn’t for me, Petunia might have remained that sweet little girl we had all known her to be…

Our family wouldn’t have fought as much…

I would have never put them all in danger…

I would have never had to argue with my mother as to whether or not I should go back for the next school year every year…

My parents wouldn’t have died as young as they did…

The three of them could have been happy.

*

There was silence.

Complete silence.

The kind of silence where you could literally hear a pin drop, if someone had half a mind to drop a pin in a funeral home.

Thankfully, no one did, or I might have exploded.

Everyone had already gone up to the coffins, to say their good-byes, Petunia being the very last one. It was quite a shock to find that she was still alive; I thought she’d been at the house the day that… the accident happened. And oh, how she glared… It made my heart ache even worse, just to see the glare I received from my sister.

But I thought that after everyone had seen the person (or people) in their coffins, they were supposed to leave… to go to the cemetery. Apparently, I was wrong, though, because every one of those people returned to their seats… And I felt like they did it just so they could sit there and watch me. There wasn’t much to watch, either, as I obviously wasn’t saying, doing, or feeling much.

But you know, now that I think about it, I might not have even heard a pin hit the ground… I wasn’t really paying much attention to anything, like I said.

So many people were there… No wonder we’d had so much casserole. My parents knew more people than I thought. Then again, I was gone half the year, so I wouldn’t know… But I could feel the eyes of every person there on my back. It was almost unnerving… But I ignored it. I couldn’t do anything but ignore it…

I was just standing.

And staring.

I couldn’t help but do nothing- and stand between the two coffins, staring at my parents.

They looked so… peaceful.

I had to know if it was real… Slowly, I stepped closer to mum’s coffin and reached out to touch her cheek…

Instead of the usual warmth and motherly glow she always had on her rosy cheeks, I only felt coldness…

She was dead.

I glanced over at my father, but couldn’t bring myself to touch him, too.

Not only was it real… it was too real.

Yet again, I could feel my heart breaking…

And, not for the first time, I wondered if it would ever stop.

*

I wasn’t sure if I was more relieved or upset that I was finally feeling the tears.

Actually, I was more than feeling them. I was shedding them.

I had been since the moment I left the funeral home. I couldn’t even go to see them lowered into their graves… I couldn’t watch the cases being shut… I couldn’t have stood to see the flowers being thrown on their magnificent mahogany caskets… I just couldn’t.

So I ran…

And ran…

Until I got home, where I immediately proceeded to my room, to toss what few belongings I had out of my trunk back into it.

I couldn’t stay there, in the house… it was so empty and forlorn… and cold.

And very full of casserole.

*

I stumbled my way up the stairs, not really seeing the steps in front of me. “Please be there, James… Please…” I whispered. He had to be there… I had to see him.

I tripped over the last step, losing my balance. I put my hand on the wall for support and knocked on the door to the seventh year’s dorm. “James!” I tried to say, but it came out as nothing more than a whisper.

“Who is it?” someone called… After a moment, I recognized the voice as Sirius‘s.

I tried to answer again, but couldn’t quite find my voice. I silently pleaded someone to open the door… I needed James…

“Who is it?” Sirius repeated.

“Ah… Moony? You wouldn’t get that would you? Neither of us can… at the moment.”

My heart leapt… James!

“Well, I guess we could…” he continued.

“And would most likely be attacked, depending on which of our newest stalkers it is…”

“I dunno… The older ones can be quite scary…”

There was a loud snickering, followed by a sigh, much closer to the door, and footsteps.

I swallowed hard and tried to smooth my hair a little. Biting my lip, I waited…

The door swung open and there Remus Lupin stood, looking slightly annoyed and tired.

But his face quickly faded into one of shock and concern. “Lily?” He said uncertainly, taking a step forward. He put out his arm, to help steady me. “Are you-”

“Who is it, Moony?” Sirius called. “Did you say Lily? She can‘t-”

“Lily?” James repeated curiously. “Lily‘s here?” More footsteps. “Lily!” James’s face appeared over Remus’s shoulder.

He ducked under his arm and put his hand on my cheek.. “What’s wrong? What happened?” He looked very worried.

“What is- Lily? Why… Are you all right?” Sirius asked. His hair was dripping around his shoulders, and he was wearing only his boxers…

Remus’s hair looked wet, too, though he was more sensibly dressed…

I looked at James and realized that instead of boxers, he was only wearing a towel.

Despite my present state, I couldn’t help but give a half-smile. “Was in the neighbourhood…” I rasped.

“Merlin, James, don’t make her stand there all evening…” said Remus. He was already across the room, clearing a space on one of the beds.

James shook his head. “Sorry…” he muttered, putting one arm around my shoulders to help me across the room, to the bed that Remus cleared.

I closed my eyes and leaned back against the headboard. It felt good to be sitting still… It felt like ages since I’d been on the Knight Bus (which wasn’t all that comforting, come to think of it).

“Wait here a moment, okay, Lils? I’ll be right back…” James gave my hand a squeeze and went to the foot of the bed, where he pulled a pair of sweats and a t-shirt out of the open trunk.

Remus handed me a cold goblet and smiled. “You okay, Red?” he asked, calling me by the nickname he’d given me the year before.

“I’m…” I trailed off. I couldn’t lie to Remus, he was my friend… Then again, I couldn’t tell him the truth, though I was sure he already knew.

Instead of replying, I stared into the fire across the room. I’d never really noticed before the different shades of blue it got, especially where it was the hottest… Or the way the flames swirled and licked at the logs…

I could hear Sirius shifting around on his bed, probably trying to clear enough space to sit as he pulled a t-shirt over his bare chest.

It was too bad I hadn’t had a fire the day before… It would’ve been a nice way to rid myself of all those casseroles…

Remus smiled in understanding. He knew.

He climbed up on the four-poster next to me. “It’s okay, Lily…” he whispered, pulling me into a comforting hug. “We’re all here for you, you know…”

I felt yet another tear make it’s way down my cheek…

I was sick of crying…

Of hurting…

Of aching.

I felt the mattress sink slightly on my left. “Lils?”

I wanted to reply; the softness of the person’s voice wanted-no- pleaded with me to reply, but I couldn’t. I simply stared into the fire.

The fire was warm… I liked warm things better than I did cold. Cold had always seemed empty… and lonely. Almost like our house… Which really wasn’t ours anymore… I certainly couldn’t share it with Pet. So maybe it was mine… Or was it Pet’s? No, she lived with Vernon…

Mum’s cheek was cold, too.

No, I decided. I didn’t like cold.

“Lils… what happened?”

At this, I stirred, trying to tear my eyes from the flames. I couldn’t, though… It wouldn’t let me look away.

I dimly noted that someone‘s hands on mine. Warm hands… warm hands like fire. “Lils- talk to me!”

That voice was very familiar…

“Lils!”

At this, I shook myself and blinked.

“James?” I found myself staring into his eyes… Oh, how I loved his eyes. They were warm, too.

He breathed a sigh of relief. “What happened to you, Lils? Why aren’t you-”

“I couldn’t look at them. I couldn’t watch. I wouldn’t watch.” My voice broke and I stared down at my thumb, realizing for the first time that I was still wearing the black dress I’d worn to the funeral… My hair was still pulled back, for the most part, but I imagined my make-up looking nothing like it had that morning.

I expected James to ask something- to ask anything- to ask everything, but he didn’t. He simply nodded in understanding. “It’s okay, Lils…” He said gently, squeezing my hand.

“James? Do you want me to get Pomfrey?” Remus asked quietly. He was sitting, unmoving at the foot of the bed, looking rather pale and worried.

In fact, he was very pale… Was it close to the full moon?

“She-”

“No… Don’t get her, please…” I pleaded. “I’m fine… I just need-”

“Sleep,” James cut me off, smiling sympathetically.

“More water,” Remus added.

“And food!” Sirius finished, doing his best to grin.

I smiled at his effort to make me smile; I had always teased him about eating so much.

“But no nurse.” I looked at James with beseeching eyes.

“We’ll see.” he sighed. “Hmm… Dinner isn’t for another hour or so. Heh, we weren‘t planning on going, anyway, were we? Well, it looks like we’ll have to make a trip down to the kitchens… Padfoot? You can get that. Moony-” He gave Remus a pointed look.

“I’ll stay here with Lily.” He nodded. “No problem.”

“And I’ve got something to do… We’ll be right back, Lils, I promise.”

James looked at me, hazel eyes dark- was it with relief or concern? Either way, I knew he wouldn’t let anything happen to me… And I loved him for it.

Yes… I loved James Potter.

It would only be a matter of time until I would… or could say anything.

I watched as he rummaged through his trunk-- the one at the foot of the four-poster I was on-- and pulled out a slip of parchment, along with his invisibility cloak (I’d known about it since fourth year, when I’d tripped over Remus and Sirius one night just outside the kitchens).

“Right back.” he repeated, leaning over to kiss me on the cheek.

I closed my eyes and leaned forward to bury my face in his neck. “Thank you.” I whispered, wrapping my arms around him. Merlin, did he smell good…

He pulled back after a moment, smiling as he traced my jaw with the very tips of his fingers. “Take care of my girl for me, Moony.”

At this, my heart fluttered. His girl?

I was his girl?

I liked that…

Immensely.

“Need anything special?” asked James, eyes sparkling in that way that only James’s could.

I thought for a moment before sighing. “Can you get me anything for a broken heart?” I said, barely above a whisper.

But I didn’t need to say it any louder, they all heard. I knew, by the serious expressions each wore… And I knew that they would all do anything they could to help me.

I also knew I could never thank them enough.

*

“So… what have I missed since I’ve been gone?” I asked lightly, trying not to look at the fire.

“Well… You know how the Marauders are… I don’t think we’ve ever pranked this much in our entire Marauding-years…” Remus laughed, but I noticed the way his eyes didn’t meet mine.

There hadn’t been any pranking… at all… and we both knew it. But why?

“Look- erm- Lily?” Remus bit his lip and stared at his left foot. “You knew we all wanted to go with you to the train Sunday. Why‘d you leave without at least a good-bye?”

I sighed. “Because… I didn’t want any more people telling me how sorry they were… or how I could go to them if I needed anything…” I did my best to lie; even I didn’t know why I’d left the way I had, I just knew that at the time, I wanted away. “I just didn’t want to hear it, you know? I wanted to be alone… So I was.” Our eyes met. “I only saw Zoe as I was getting off the train- and only because she cornered me… I haven’t said anything to anyone since her, and, well…”

“And you haven’t wanted to.” he completed for me.

I smiled gratefully. “Sorry.” I took a deep breath.

“No, I understand… Or I think I do, at least.” He laughed quietly. “Either way, whether you want to hear it or not, we’re all here for you.”

I leaned forward to hug him again. “I know. And it means loads to me… But I don’t want to talk about my parents- or my week since Sunday. Let’s talk about something happy.” I said hopefully.

“All right…”

He looked thoughtful for a moment, before a bright smile lit up his face. “So tell me, Lils,” He grinned wickedly and I knew what he was about to say. “Tell me… how long have you been Prongsie-boy‘s girl? Or fancied him, for that matter?”

So he wouldn’t see my reaction to this question (a blush that could be considered a very, very deep crimson), I turned my head… and my eyes fell upon the fire.

He saw it anyway.

My thoughts swirled, just like the fire did, dodging around the logs… I did fancy him, didn’t I? But, as I’d thought before, it was more than that…

I loved him.

“Me fancy James Potter? We’re friends, Remmy, that’s all. You and I are friends, aren’t we?” After a short nod from Remus, I continued. “Well, so are James and I.” I said, once I was sure my voice wouldn’t shake too much and give me away… I was fairly sure, however, that Remus knew me better than to believe my words. I knew I didn’t…. But I wanted James to be the first one to hear how I felt about him… Not one of his friends.

Instead of replying right away, Remus stared into the fire, too. We sat together in contemplative silence, each with our own thoughts, until the door swung open and Sirius came in, arms loaded down with enough food for all four of us to eat- and have some to spare.

“Merlin, you can’t help but love those elves…” He grinned our way and tipped the food onto his (now clear) bed. “James not back yet?”

Remus and I shook our heads.

“Oh… That’s strange-”

At that moment, the door swung open again and James came in, looking very happy about something.

“You may not admit to fancying him now, Lily, but he sure as Merlin fancies you. I’ve never seen him as worried over someone as he has been over you these last few days… And he’s certainly never snuck into the Hospital Wing for a potion for anyone before. What is that? Dreamless sleep? Ah, that one is practically impossible to get with that Pomfrey nut around,” Remus whispered in my ear as James walked proudly over, a vial in his hand. “Well, I take that back… He more than fancies you… And I think you more than fancy him, too.” With a smirk that said all too well that he knew he was right, Remus leaned back against the bedpost again.

“Lily, are you okay?” James asked, sitting at my side.

“Oh, I’m fine, now…” I choked.

“You look flushed.”

“Just need… need some water!” I spun around to find the goblet I’d had before. I needed anything to keep my mind off what Remus had just said. Was I that obvious?!

“It’s just a matter of time…” Remus said knwingly, grinning at James’s look of puzzlement.

Next, I suppose James handed me some of the food Sirius had brought up, though I don’t exactly recall much… But I do remember the way my heart skipped a beat (or two) and how my stomach was full of butterflies… all because James took my hand and put his arm around me.

It really would only be a matter of time.

*

*

A/N: Yay for me! I’m posting again. Bet you’re all so happy? Hmm?

I like this chappie. Of course, I like Remus, so I guess that’s why… *grins and looks away innocently* Always have, I suppose. Anyway, I do believe there are a limited number of chapters left, so review while you can…!

How Many Ways Can A Heart Break

Nine… Barely

When I opened my eyes, the only things I could hear were soft snores and the occasional rustle of blankets. It surprised me that I was the first awake, after taking so much of the potion… But it seemed that my three friends had stayed up long after I had. I couldn’t see them having a good time while they were at it, however, and that only made me feel worse.

Sirius and Remus were comfortable in their own beds (large stacks of brightly wrapped presents at their feet, some spilling off the bed… like James‘s were)… James, on the other hand, was sitting in what looked like a rather uncomfortable position in the wooden chair he had pulled close to the side of the bed I was on (which was undoubtedly his). One of his masculine hands was up on top of the covers, near my smaller one (the sight of which I both liked and enjoyed), his legs were stretched and tucked somehow under the four-poster, and his face was turned towards me (another thing I was quite pleased with). His eyes were closed (naturally), but as I watched, they fluttered slightly, like he was dreaming.

I couldn’t help myself as I leaned forward to look into his face… I realized than that I’d never gotten the chance to have a proper look at James’s face. Not a real look, at least… And certainly not while he was sleeping.

But I wasn’t quite satisfied with looking. I wanted to feel his face, his skin… I just wanted to feel James. So I pushed myself up on my knees and crawled a bit closer, so that if I made a sudden movement, I might fall off the mattress. Thank Merlin I didn’t.

But just as I touched his cheek with my fingertip, he shifted in his sleep. His look went from one of peace and contentment to one of confusion and pain. I felt my heart ache for him. I could never let him hurt! I couldn’t let him be in any sort of pain, not as long as there was something I could do.

I stroked the side of his face with my hand and pushed a few strands of his dark hair out of the way. He shifted again, turned his face so that it was just a tiny bit closer to me… I couldn’t resist any longer. No one would ever know…

I brushed my lips against his ever-so-lightly, in a gentle, affectionate kiss… “It’s okay, James… I’m here…”

He stirred again, but his expression cleared.

I sighed and touched his lips with the pad of my thumb. If only he had been awake.

But hadn’t Remus only said it would be a ‘matter of time?’

I only wished time would move a little faster.

As if on impulse, I glanced over at Remus’s bed.

He was there, and very much awake, watching me with a soft smile on his face, his eyes burning with curiosity. I blinked shyly and cuddled back up under the covers, turning my back to him so he would know to leave me alone. He was far from being asleep.

“Lily?” he said softly.

I couldn’t have missed the triumph in his voice.

Or the happiness.

Instead of answering, I pushed back the covers a bit and carefully threaded my fingers in with James’s, a timid, slightly embarrassed smile on my lips.

*

I hadn’t planned on falling back asleep, but I did. It wasn’t for very long- but it was long enough for Sirius (who was not a morning person) and Remus (who I didn’t imagine had gone back to sleep, like I had) to get out of bed, get dressed, and start opening their presents.

James had only just begun to stir when I opened my eyes for the second time that morning. Before he even opened his eyes, he reached up with his hand to rub them sleepily.

It wasn’t long before he seemed to realize the… position of his other hand.

Slowly, he opened his eyes, looking at our clasped hands on top of the blanket. Once the first look of surprise faded, his face went blank.

I timidly drew my hand back, ashamed that I hadn’t been smart- or quick- enough to do so before he had seen. I was fairly positive Sirius and Remus had already noticed. Both were in their own sections of the room, grinning and whistling to some tune (I think it was a song from the popular all-wizard band, Organized Chaos) and opening presents. Not to mention the looks they kept sending in our direction.

I watched as James’s eyes focused steadily on the place our hands had been not a moment before, until they went to my hand, up my arm… and up to meet my gaze.

If I’d been standing, I might have melted into marshmallow, just from his chocolaty eyes. Which would have made a very large mess of chocolate-marshmallow goo.

I swallowed nervously and gave him a weak grin. No need to look nervous, just because I was… right? “Morning… and Happy Christmas.” I said softly.

He blinked. A slow grin crept onto his face. “Sleep okay, Lady Lily?”

“Just fine, thanks.” I laughed nervously. Okay… So maybe I could keep my face mostly casual, but my laugh… I couldn’t help that.

His eyes roamed over my face. “Feel better?”

“Loads.” I answered. That was the truth.

He nodded happily, stood, stretched, and walked backwards toward the dormitory bathroom (so that he was still looking at me). “Guess I should… ah… yeah.” He winked and was gone.

I fell back on the pillows and smiled at the top of the four-poster. Time didn’t look like much of an issue, after all.

An amused cough and a rather loud rumpling of paper to my left caused me to jump. Sirius grinned perceptively in my direction while Remus tried to look innocent.

I smiled bashfully and crawled out of bed.

“Going down to breakfast with us, Lils?” Sirius asked. You could always count on him to know when the meals were.

“Breakfast ended… fifteen minutes ago.” Remus sighed. “It always ends earlier than usual on Christmas, for the feast.” Maybe Sirius didn’t always know… “But anyway, we have loads of sweets here, from the looks of it. And we can make a kitchen-swipe.”

“Gonna be there for that, then, Lils?” Sirius asked, grinning his brightest grin.

I shrugged. “Want to see what the two of you got me for Christmas first.” I winked playfully, putting my hand on the door to leave. “Maybe after that.”

“What about my gift?” James emerged from the bathroom, looking rather nice in a pair of fresh robes and a grin.

“We’ll see… Happy Christmas, boys!” I said brightly.

But as I neared the bottom steps of the boys dormitory, I swallowed. Hard.

There were bound to be people in the common room, I knew it. I didn’t know how many people had stayed for the holiday, but in light of recent events (meaning all the attacks led by Voldemort), I didn’t expect to see very many.

Luckily, there weren’t (I figured there were only about twelve or so), and no one noticed me until I neared the girls stairs. That’s when I started getting the looks. The sympathetic looks; of course, people were wanting to come up and tell me how “terribly sorry” they were, which I didn’t really care to hear. I’d heard enough of that. There were also the worried looks; I suppose some people were afraid I might collapse in the middle of the common room, because of my present state. Not likely. There were the surprised looks, too; everyone thought I’d gone home. I couldn’t really blame the people who were looking at me like this. But I only saw one happy look.

Nora was sitting across the common room, with a couple of fourth years (one of them was her cousin), playing a game of wizard chess. Her entire face lit up when she looked up to see why everyone had stopped talking.

I smiled and waved at her. I didn’t honestly feel much like talking to her just yet, but I didn’t want to run off and not talk to one of my friends… Anyway, I’d already done that once.

I waited up for her on the stairs, only just past the door, so I would be out of view of the common room.

“Lily!” she cried, pulling me into a tight hug.

I smiled and hugged her back. She was truly happy to see me, but I knew it would only be a matter of seconds before…

“Wait.” Suddenly, she pulled back. “What were you thinking, running out of here without even a good-bye?!” Her green eyes narrowed.

I smiled innocently. “Aren’t you happy to see me?” I said meekly, preparing to run away just in case.

“Well, yes…. Oh, Lily… Are you okay?”

I did my best to smile, but I could feel the tears at my eyes again.

But she didn’t give me time to answer; we were already on our way to the dormitory. She knew I didn’t really want to talk about it.

Within moments, the dormitory room door was thrown open, two of the beds were pushed together, first years were sent to find both Michelle and Kendra, and all of my favorite blankets were drawn out of my trunk (which James had been kind enough to send up… without anyone seeing, and only Merlin knows how).

But the first-year-messengers had only been gone a matter of seconds when two bright-eyed, messy-haired, pink-cheeked seventh years tripped their way into the room.

“LILY!”

“OH MY GOD!”

I smiled a watery smile at my two best friends and prepared myself for a very large hug.

“Oh, I would have just killed that little kid if he’d been lying… But I must say, he came at the most convenient time…” Ken grinned guiltily, reaching out to touch my arm, as if to be sure I was really there. “McGonagall was just getting onto me…”

I smiled sadly, but it quickly slid off my face. “Oh, guys… I don’t know what to do…”

Michelle smiled sympathetically and put her arms around me again. The others followed suit. “It’s okay.”

“There was just so much black…” I whimpered. “And casserole…”

And at their politely puzzled looks, I knew that I had much explaining to do.

*

“Lily?”

“Is she-”

“But… I thought…”

“Did you hear about what happened?”

“Parts of it…”

“You-know-who-”

“Got her parents?”

“Yeah…”

I kept my eyes on the end of the hall, not daring to look at the fifty or so students gathered around their house tables.

If I looked at them, I knew I’d cry.

And crying was something I could not do… in front of them, at least.

I had to show everyone I didn’t care what they said, how many rumours they spread. I would show my strength. I was Head Girl, after all.

“I heard the Dark Lord tried to get her on our side…” But a small knot of Slytherins to my left made me stop dead in my tracks. “…and she refused. That’s why the muggles died. Personally, I think our world is better off because of it. What use would a dirty mudblood be to us?”

Okay. I said I wasn’t going to cry… And I wasn’t! Not in front of them, at least. So, in the calmest manner possible, I turned on my heel and went right back the way I came, head bent to hide my face.

“So… ‘strue, right, mudblood?” A Slytherin seventh year by the name of Arnami Zamb curled her upper lip in my direction as she drew her wand.

I wrapped my arms tighter around myself and kept walking, but she kept following me. I felt the tears stinging at my eyes now, and an angry fire welling up inside.

We were nearing the oak doors but she was still pounding after me. The rest of her friends had straggled behind, bored with chasing the Gryffindor Head Girl. It was only once I was out on the first step when I realized Arnami had been talking to me, probably throwing every taunt and threat she could think of my way.

“… damn it, mudblood-Evans, don’t you walk ‘way from me!” she hissed, pushing the huge oak door shut with a resounding thud.

I turned sharply on my heel (much like I had done in the Great Hall) to face her. At that moment, a hex went right by my left ear.

I didn’t even flinch, but I did find myself hurrying forward, glaring furiously, before bringing my fist back and hitting her squarely in the eye with all that I had.

I took a step back, still staring down at her defiantly. She blinked up at me and muttered, “Mudblood,”

It was only then that I walked away, swallowing regretfully as I did.

I’d never hit anyone before.

*

I stared at the wall opposite, not really seeing it. All I knew was that I was away from everyone I didn’t want to be around. I was quite fine right where I was…. With one exception. I couldn’t stop the tears.

At least I was feeling something, as opposed to the days before.

And maybe I wanted Michelle, or Nora, to talk to, or possibly James, for obvious reasons, but I wasn’t too sure if I would like to have company or be alone. I was, without a doubt, lost.

“Lily?”

I jumped slightly, but didn’t turn. “Mm.”

Isn’t it funny how when you desperately need someone, they show up?

James slid down onto the floor beside me, wrapping his arms loosely around his knees, much like I had. “Tell me about it.”

“How did you get in here?” I sniffed. I was curious, but mostly I was aiming at avoiding his question. “No one but Michelle, Zoe, and I know how to get here.” I really could not get the tears to stop…

“I’m just that good, of course.” He winked and nudged my arm gently. “You are, too, at dodging questions. But it won’t work with me. Tell me about it.” he repeated. “Neither of us are leaving until you do.”

With a casual flick of his wand, an unearthly glow surrounded the door. It was a locking charm, and a complex one at that. But he’d done it without words or worry.

I didn’t doubt that he was powerful. I knew he could get anything out of me he wanted.

I wished I could do the same.

I sucked in a sharp breath. I already looked a mess, so what was the point of trying to hide the tears? It was just James, anyway. He didn’t care what I looked like.

Finally, I turned to look at him. When I did, I realized just how close his face was to mine. Merlin, I could even feel his breath on my nose. I looked away again, shivering.

But the tears had stopped.

*

“No, Remus… I’m really not very hungry…” I tried. But, in one quick movement, he scooped a very generous helping of vegetable broth into the saucer he was holding. He pushed it over to my side of the table and folded his arms on the table.

“You’re going to eat, Miss Lily,” he smiled patiently. “even if that means that I have to keep this bowl and serve it to you cold later.” With a wink, he turned to his goblet and paper, leaving me to the soup. “Hmm…” He raised his eyebrows. “This is an interesting article. A group of teenage wizards were attacked somewhere near Vestuble over the weekend by a pack of… ‘nigorfs?’ What is a bloody nigorf?”

I smiled at this. Oh, how I loved Remus.

James sunk into the seat next to me. “I think it’s kin to the dust bunny…”

We all laughed lightly; what an odd picture, seeing a group of wizards being attacked by dust bunnies.

But my laughter was cut short. A cross looking owl had landed right in my bowl of soup, leaving me with soggy bits of carrots and peas on my front. I frowned, not recognizing the owl, or the handwriting on the scarlet parchment it carried.

“Whose is that?” Sirius asked. He too had joined the table.

“No idea…” I muttered, relieving the owl of its burden. Its eyes flashed as it nipped me on the tip of my finger. “Bloody owl!” I groaned, wiping at the blood. It spread its wings in flight, swiping me on the side of the head as it went.

“Here…” James did a cleansing spell on my robes, removing the broth at once.

“Thanks.” I smiled weakly and took a drink of pumpkin juice.

“Aren’t you going to open it?” asked Sirius. I didn’t like the way he said it.

“Don’t plan on it.” I said with a small smile.

“Looks like it’s going to anyway, whether you want to or not.”

I looked down curiously. “Why do you…”

But I was cut off by a loud explosion as the smoking parchment soared into the air, right at my eye-level. Bloody Merlin, it scared me.

“What the-” I gasped. Demon parchment.

“A howler…” Sirius cringed. “Running just might be your best bet.” He whispered.

*

I was lying there, my head hanging off the edge of the sofa in the common room. It’s all I really felt like doing.

Someone had sent me a howler.

Really. A howler.

I hadn’t even really reacted once I realized what it was. I just listened to it while the dark voice rambled on, my head bent low. It wasn’t until the silence of the Great Hall had swollen to a loud buzz in my ears that I rose from my seat. I smiled at my friends before calmly leaving the Hall, and yes, I was completely aware that every eye in the place was on me. I smiled at them, too.

I must have appeared to be mad. I’m half surprised that my friends knew what to do with me. But they did. They knew what I needed, and every step of the way, they were there, if I needed them.

“She just needs to… mourn.” Michelle voiced my thoughts.

But I had mourned. It wasn’t like I’d been off on a joy ride after hearing the news, or anything… And as much as I loved all my friends dearly, I was also a little worn of their talking of me as if I wasn’t in the room.

I was, in every way possible.

“But then, at the same time, she needs to go on…”

Even I stopped staring off in space to look over at Sirius as mumbled.

Surely not…

“Padfoot?” Remus said uncertainly.

“Well… she does, doesn’t she?” He shrugged in defense.

They had been talking in this way for some time. James was there, too, along with Kendra and Nora.

James was the only one, other than me, who had remained silent.

Suddenly, I let out a loud sigh and looked around the room. “I want… I need butterbeer.”

It had been my first want for something other than sleep.

“And a long walk.”

James’s eyes finally met mine.

*

Fifteen minutes later, I found myself emerging from the warm castle out into the crisp, cool air that was, and could only ever be, a January evening at Hogwarts, a comfortingly warm bottle of butterbeer in my hand.

Not to mention, it was only James and me.

I momentarily forgot about the rude howler and focused only on the moment.

Which was quite nice, because the moment consisted of James’s eyes, that home-like, depthless, even-warmer-than-butterbeer-hazel.

We walked in silence, each tugging our cloaks about our shoulders as the frost crunched beneath our feet and we snuck occasional glances at each other, each with our own thoughts. Mine were wandering between the clarity I’d always found in a walk around the lake, and the lack of clarity I’d found lately when I was with James.

Everything was so mixed up.

Remus had said it would only be a matter of time…

But every time I thought James and I had made a step closer, something came up. Like the time we were in the Great Hall, getting along just fine, and Benjy had caused the “Two-Week War.” Or when we were dancing at my birthday party, having just started talking again, and were maybe even about to kiss, when I heard the news about my parents. Or even just after I had told James everything that was wrong, what the Slytherins were saying, everything that I feared… and I’d gotten that bloody howler, which spiraled my mood downwards.

“You know, James…” I said softly, finally breaking the contemplative silence. “We never did get to talk much about that whole…” I paused, searching for the right word.

“Our fight.” He finished for me.

I smiled thankfully. “Yeah. Our fight.” I said sadly. I didn’t even liked to say the words. Good thing it was already passed.

“No, I don’t guess we did, did we?” He took a swig of his half-gone butterbeer and glanced over at me.

There was so much I wanted to say to him… and so much I didn’t know how.

“Well… The day before my birthday, I was in the library doing Transfiguration, and Benjy came in to help me… Well, let’s just say it’s not his best subject, either. Well, it got around to me telling him off because I didn’t think he knew what he was doing and he thought I was flirting and… Oh, James, all I want to tell you is that something Benjy said confused me greatly and I don’t know what to do or think about it.”

James’s face hadn’t changed all throughout my spill. What was that look? Shock? Anticipation? Suddenly, though, his steps slowed and he licked his lips. “What… what did he say?” With a pop, his empty butterbeer bottle disappeared and his hands went to his pockets. He looked as if he was ready to hear the worst.

I took a deep breath and swirled what was left of my butterbeer around in the warm jar. I turned back to the edge of the lake and started walking, more to have something to do than to be walking. James followed, though he seemed more reluctant.

“He said that he was just hasty in thinking I wanted to go with him. That he didn’t really listen much when he asked because he just wanted to hear yes… And… and he wanted to ask me before you did. James, he said… ‘As long as Potter’s around, there’s not much of a chance for us other blokes,’” I watched James’s face closely, though he took obvious effort to keep it free of emotion.

The silence swirled around us like snowflakes in the wind.

I began to wonder if he wasn’t going to say anything at all. I had hoped that I would get some sort of reassurance, a nervous look, a wonderfully heartfelt outpouring of his soul. But I didn’t.

So finally, I sighed. “And ever since, I’ve been wondering if that could possibly mean what I’d like to think it means. The morning in your dormitory, I was positive… but ever since… I’ve been unsure. I don’t ever know what to think about you, James Potter, but I think it might be nice to know that all those other blokes like Benjy know to stay away.”

I held my breath carefully. I had basically just told him everything… and left him to do with it what he would chose.

Slowly, his hazel eyes turned to meet my green ones, searching. He wanted to know if I meant what I said. He was every bit as unsure as I was. I found comfort in that.

But when, after a few moments, he still hadn’t moved, my hope began to fade. I closed my eyes, willing more tears not to fall. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

But just when I felt I could just give up, a warm hand snuck its way onto my neck in the most intimate way I’d ever known, knuckles barely brushing my ear.

“Oh, Lily…”

I barely heard it, but I barely needed to.

*

*

The End.

*

*

A/N: So, ah… That’s it. It’s over… Thoughts?

Thanks for reading, guys; hope you enjoyed it.. *wink*

These’re all from chapter eight, mostly, but maybe from others, too…

Tessa: Thanks for all your reviews. I know you only started reading… yesterday? But, hey! I’m glad you did. Thanks!

Anonymous (all of them in one go): I’m glad the familiar characters weren’t OOC. If they were, I wouldn’t be good at all at doing what I do. I rather like to follow canon, where I can. Sorry Sirius wasn’t in there as much… Look for him in other fics of mine, though. I love him, as well, and am always looking for an excuse to add him where I can. The same goes for Remus.

PnutPotter26: Heh, all in one sitting? Wow. I’m proud! I’m glad you liked it so… I laughed when I read the bit about you thinking of Benjy as fat. I’ve always seen him tall and cute. Dunno why. Guess it’s the name? I’ve never known a Benjy. Here’s your update.

Holly Black: Wicked’s good. Glad you were pleased. You do have good timing; I’ve only just begun posting again. Before, all my readers had forgotten about me!

Storms: Hm… Your review had me laughing as well. “I love how you say this is going to be ending. ‘There’s a limited number of chapters left’ I mean really… who says that?” I wasn’t really sure if I should be laughing or not, but I was. And there really were limited chaps left. One, in fact.

Loonymoony8: I’m glad you like Remus; I hope people do in chap. 8. He had a larger role. Thanks!

GlitterFairyxoxo: I love Lily’s friends… I always base her friends off my own in my fics, because I always picture her with awesome friends--and I have three very awesome best friends! I was very pleased that you thought chapter 8 was realistic… I was aiming for it, but to hear it was made me happy J . Heh, I’m glad you like all the characters. Hope you liked this chapter as well.

Grumpy-Numero-Uno: I’m glad you’ve liked all my chapters so far--and I’m glad you’ve kept with me for the last few chapters. Thanks!

Snazzysnez: Hehe, I think every chapter is my favorite… I can never pick. Heh, Remus, a wolf? Hmm… I love it. I’m absolutely giddy that you truly enjoy my fic. Thank you!

Tararith A: Aw, don’t you just wish you had your own Remus? Or James… or Sirius… Or all three? I can’t stand Peter, either. I throw him in (literally) at times, sometimes the good guy, sometimes not. But I’d rather not, in reality. He’s just not fun, knowing what we do. Lol… “Action” is right! Hope you loved the boots out of chappie nine! (and please, no grey hairs until they’re deserved!!)

Mani12191: I’m kinda fond of ‘em, too… But that’s just me! I’m sooo happy you liked Remus in this chapter. Here’s the new chap. you wanted!! Oh.. Btw-I thought your last review was funny. (lol) “But it's alright cause you update 48764387534x faster than you usually do *joke*” No kidding, I laughed out loud. It seems the actually updating once in a while works for my reviewers, eh? *wink, grin*

And just for the record, James’s parents are alive… There was a review (anonymous, or I’d reply) that thought his parents died, too! But they didn’t… I’m not that terrible. Professor McGonagall just thought it would be easier if James was the one to get Lily out of her own birthday party. So she called James out specifically, instead of Lily… Even though Lily had a little suspicion in the back of her mind. Then, James took Lily to see Dumbledore.

Right. So! Thanks to all who stuck with me… I’m starting another fic--it will only be two chapters, and I’ve already written it, but it’s pretty good, so go check it out. Have fun!

Fin.

How Many Ways Can a Heart Break

(The Ultimately Unplanned) Epilogue/Chapter Ten (?)

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A/N: For my readers… and their reviews. *wink* Enjoy it! Yeah. So, I know the thing says this fic has been “Finished” for about… three (?) months now. But… well… I couldn’t live with your reviews on my conscience. Some people thought it sounded finished, others thought it was incomplete. I hope this is more to everyone’s taste… Though I wrote it in the span of two hours (one hour the last time I posted and saw your reviews--which make me laugh and I LOVE them, btw… and one hour just now.). So I HOPE YOU LOOOVVVEEE IT. Please do. I don’t have time or energy to keep doing “Epilogues” after I’ve posted a story as complete. School is hectic. So is life. Reviews would make it sooo much better, though.

*

I was the only one in the library that day.

For good reason.

There were only two days left for us at Hogwarts--or one and a half--whichever way you looked at it, we were riding the scarlet Hogwarts Express for the last time in roughly twenty-four hours time.

I felt a dull ringing in my ears. For the last time…

Where would I go? I’d never felt so scared in my life.

So I found myself in the library at seven-thirty on a Thursday morning, with my quill and parchment, at my favorite table. I was in my oldest, most comfortable jeans, a black t-shirt of the same serration (without the holes), with peeling blue fingernail polish, and my hair up in a messy bun.

I’d dressed comfortably, knowing my goal would take at least a few hours concentration to accomplish.

But by mid-morning, my letter to Petunia remained unwritten. The muggle stationary--I kept some, just for writing my darling sister--barely contained ten words.

I’d been putting this letter off for weeks, now, and yet… it had to be written. Before tomorrow. I couldn’t just show up at home--or Petunia’s home, rather, as it had been left to her name--without warning.

But I had an overwhelming sense of guilt fire up in the very pit of my stomach at the mere thought of my sister. She blamed me for all that had happened to our parents. I knew she did, and I hadn’t even spoken to her since before my first seventh-year term had started…

But then… It had been months since it happened. Six months, in fact. Was there a chance she didn’t blame me after all? We had been like friends once, maybe we could be again.

My heart flared up at the thought.

We could be sisters again.

But then… I remembered the look she’d given me at the funeral. It was in December, only days after we’d all found out… No. She couldn’t forgive me. We were sisters but we couldn’t ever be close.

With a sigh, I tossed the quill and paper from my grasp. My chin fell to my palms with a heavy sigh and my eyes slid to the beautiful baby blue sky outside.

It had been months. If Petty hadn’t forgiven me yet, she wasn’t likely to. Ever. It was that simple.

But then… Whether or not she forgave me, I still had my friends. My loving, faithful, always-there-for-me-friends. They’d always been forgiving. They’d always been my friends.

And James.

I smiled around the empty library, and, as if on impulse, looked up, expecting to see him strolling out from behind one of the bookshelves, looking casual as always, saying he just wanted to see me. It’s the sort of thing he’d do, after all… Well. The sort of thing he’d been doing for the last few months.

Ever since that night by the lake… Exactly six months ago, to the day.

My grin widened and I glanced down at the table. I ran my fingers along the initials there. I’d always thought it was rather stupid for couples to carve their names into a piece of wood, but when I spotted James doing it one day, I couldn’t help but love the idea. He claimed he’d been holding his essay up like that to “read over it” but this was quite hard to prove when I found the initials underneath. Boys are so daft.

I sighed again, tracing the heart around our names with my fingers. Six months?! Had we been together six months?

With that thought, I left the library, a crumpled note in my pocket next to a large eagle-feather quill, a goofy grin on my face, and the feeling of a carved wooden heart burning my fingers.

*

Anyone passing their Head Girl in the corridor that day might have just thought I’d gone mad. I skipped and sang all the way up to Gryffindor Tower; the puzzled looks and curious smiles only making me sing louder.

I didn’t mind. I let them think it.

It was six months for James and me. I couldn’t believe it.

We’d been together for six months. Merlin. When did that happen?

Smiling to myself, I said the password to the Fat Lady and climbed though the portrait hole.

Immediately, I saw Ken and Nora, in front of the fire, looking exactly the part of their characters. Nora, on her stomach, had her feet kicked up in the air, a nail file in her perfectly polished hands. Kendra, next to her, was sprawled out on her back, her feet propped up on the armrest of an armchair, a Quidditch book held open against the pillow on her stomach. They were chatting easily, laughing.

I smiled as I watched them, my two best friends (if only Michelle could come up to the Gryffindor common room more often)--this was exactly how I would remember them, no matter what happened or how things changed.

My smile morphed into a grin when I noted they weren’t only talking with each other--but also with the Marauders, who were but a meter or so away.

Sirius and Remus looked like they’d just been yanked from their beds--unwillingly so. Their eyes were entirely out of focus, they wore crinkled robes, and each rested his cheek in his hand sleepily, slouched over in his armchair. The only thing that didn’t look out of place was Sirius’s hair--I doubted Sirius Black would ever go anywhere without at least spending a decent chunk of time on his hair.

I couldn’t help but beam as my eyes fell on the third (and final, for the moment, Peter was absent) Marauder. James looked just as handsome as ever, if not more so. I longed to run over and throw my arms around him. His hair, while never neat, looked all the more appealing at that moment, and his eyes seemed to sparkle with some unknown secret. He was the only one who looked truly awake as he set up a chess board. I stood with my back against the wall, right next to the portrait hole, just watching him.

I watched, and he took Sirius’s bishop with his own, let out a whoop of joy, then shot a glance around the room. I think he sensed someone’s gaze.

His eyes lit up when he saw me, to my immense delight, just before he called out, “Lily,” Was it just me or had his entire face brightened?

With a sigh of content, I made the short way over to James, pulling up an armchair as I did. “Good morning,” I greeted them all, though I admit, I only had eyes for one.

I didn’t have to look over at Sirius and Remus to know that they had shared a look and grinned. “I don’t think that was directed at us,” Remus whispered.

“Definitely not,” Kendra laughed, the pillow on her lap slipping off a little. She pushed it back into place and smiled at Nora, who winked back. They looked at me, smirking.

I glanced at Sirius and Remus, who were still sharing that knowing look.

Everyone seemed to know something I didn’t.

I looked back to James, who was smiling slightly at my puzzled expression. “Morning.” He took my hand in his own, gave me a kiss and pulled me closer.

Sirius sighed. “Well. You know he won’t be finishing this game. Moony, mate?”

*

“I couldn’t possibly. It would be… rude. Intruding.” I’d been standing the same way for minutes: hands on my hips, shoulders thrown back tenaciously, eyebrows up for effect. I was doing my best at looking intimidating, and as far as I knew, it was working… But James had gone out of his mind for good this time. Really.

“You would not be intruding, Lily!” James sighed, running a Quidditch-roughened hand through this dark tresses. He closed his eyes briefly. “We’d be together a lot of the time anyway.” His eyes flashed open once more. “Wouldn’t we?” But doubt crept into his deep voice, and if I hadn’t known him so well, I wouldn’t have heard it. But I had.

It was this that softened me. My hands slipped off my sides and I reached for him.

Taking both his hands in my own, I smiled. “Oh, James…”

Ten minutes before, on our walk around the castle, I’d made the mistake of telling him I hadn’t been able to write my letter to Petunia… And that I was planning on not going home at all, but to the Leaky Cauldron, instead. Or with Ken.

Then he got the brilliant idea… That I move into his house, until I found my own place. I told him my pride couldn’t take that.

And here we were.

“Of course we will.” I leaned forward, tipping my forehead against his, brushing our noses gently together. “I can’t live without you.”

His eyes wandered over my face, from my lips, to where our noses met, to my eyes. He smiled slowly. “I love you, Lily.” I knew he meant it.

My smile matched his. “And I love you.”

*

“Oh, James… This has been the best day ever. I’ll always remember it. I don’t know if I’m sad or happy that it’s our last one at Hogwarts. But as long as you’re here…” I smiled quietly, content with laying my head against James’s shoulder. “Can you believe we’ve been together so long?” I raised my head to look into his eyes.

He was already smiling. “You’d still be sticking that pretty little nose of yours up at me in the corridors if it hadn’t been for that day you saw me tutoring Zoe…”

I giggled and pushed him gently on the side. “We’d have gotten together anyway, I just know it.” I said confidently, pulling him to a stop as I push my arms around his neck.

“You… you think so?” He smiled and blinked, looking almost nervous. Slowly, his hands encircled my waist.

I smiled back. “I know so. Don’t you think we were meant to be?”

“Of course I do.”

But as I watched, he got a far-off look in his eye, as though thinking of something else entirely.

“James?” I laughed quietly, running my thumb over the palm of his hand.

“Hmm?”

“What’re you thinking about, love?”

He sighed, then looked at me, a puzzled smiled on his face. “I just…” Hazel eyes meet my own green.

I watched as James reached out, ran a hand over my cheek, and pulled me closer. He gave me a short, simple kiss, then smiled affectionately at me.

“There’s something I’ve been dying to ask you.” He said, only it came out as a whisper.

He watched me carefully for a moment… And slowly, very slowly, it dawned on me exactly what he’d said. Then my eyes widened slightly and my heart beat faster.

Inside, I was jumping up and down, my breath even quickening. Was he about to…?

“L-”

“Oh! Ms. Evans… Mr. Potter! There you are. I have been looking all over the castle…” Professor McGonagall hurried down the corridor, her fancy maroon dress robes swirling behind her as she went. She was panting, and was looking anxious--something Minerva McGonagall never did--but neither her Head Boy or Girl noticed.

We were busy looking into each other’s eyes.

After a few moment’s grievance about everything from the Great Hall‘s decorations to the angle of the tables to Peeves the Poltergeist, she realized she may as well have been talking to the gold trim on her hat.

For Lily Evans and James Potter were busy staring into each other’s eyes.

Our dear old professor looked between us (I noticed, but only vaguely), mumbled something about making an appearance in the Hall sometime soon… please, and vanished without so much as a reprimand for ignoring her… a first for the Deputy Headmistress.

We were silent and unmoving for a moment. I was the first to move.

“So… what… did you what have you been dying to ask?” I smiled, feeling suddenly very shy.

“Oh… right…” James bit his lip anxiously and looked at the floor for a moment.

I almost laughed; he looked so adorable, I could have reached out and hugged him. But I didn’t. I was dying to hear what he was dying to ask.

“Okay…” Suddenly, a bright smile lit up his features and his eyes flicked back to mine. “I love you, Lil. I want you to know that… always. I never want there to be any doubt about that… Because I’ve never once felt any doubts about you.” He sighed, as though letting out some of his nervousness. I smiled, too, and reached for his hand, though I was nervous inside, as well.

“And… well… I guess… What I want to ask you, Lily, is…” He swallowed. I held my breath. “Will you marry me?” He blinked twice. “Of course, we’re just barely getting out of school.” The words spilled from his mouth. “And we aren’t even entirely sure what we want to do yet. But we love each other and I think that’s all that--”

I nearly screamed and cried and laughed in happiness--there was so much I wanted to do and say… Instead, I threw my hand over his mouth, though my touch was soft. “James.” I stared into his eyes. “Yes, of course. Yes.”

His eyes danced with happiness immediately. He grinned and reached slowly into his pocket. He pulled out a small velvet box and opened it cautiously, as though afraid of my reaction.

He needn’t have been.

“James…” was all I could manage.

He wouldn’t have allowed me to say anything else, anyway, because he simply kissed me on the nose and slipped the beautiful ring onto my finger. I’d never felt so princess-like in my life.

This was my prince.

And this was love.

When our eyes met again, I had tears in my own--and his shone with pure happiness. I knew I’d never forget this day… And I wouldn’t ever want to.

“Look where we are, love.” I whispered, tears more and more likely to fall by the second.

James glanced up, casting his hazel eyes around the corridor. Suddenly, he saw the towering door directly to his left and he squeezed my hand. “The library.” he breathed in response.

We both knew the importance of that.