Thoughts Before You

So why should I take your hand when you can't promise happy endings?

You always told me that you loved me. You always said that you'd never hurt me intentionally. I believed you. You know why? Because you were my best friend. Best friends don't get treated the way you treat me. Best friends aren't supposed to be stepped on like they're nothing but the dirt on the ground. Best friends aren't supposed to be shunned to the side like they're dispensable. I'm not.

I've been with you through thick and thin. We've survived the bad times and laughed through the good. What changed? Of course. Her. I understood you choosing Ron as your closest mate, your confidante. But how could you not notice the depth on my affection for you, Harry? Are you that oblivious? Or are you just that cold hearted?

You probably don't mean to leave me hanging, but guess what? You've completely forgotten the string and just let it drop. You have no idea how much it hurts to be broken by you.

I know I'm not much. Just a bookworm with too much to say. But I can still feel. I can feel that you might be just a little in love with her. I can feel that you don't know me anymore. I can feel that you don't need me anymore. You have Ron there and then you have Cho Chang. What use am I now?

You never have time for me anymore. We used to always go to Hogsmeade during the weekends and we'd have fun, just the two of us. Ron was always at Hogwarts, having yet another detention for blowing something up in Snape's dungeon. We used to have all these inside jokes that were just between us. Now she knows them as well.

I don't hate you for this, you know. I'm just a bit disappointed. You've never noticed the betrayal in my eyes when you hold Cho just a little closer when I walk by. Or when you kiss her in front of me. Or when you say `I love you' and mean it. I never was much for jealousy, but this stings like a cut.

I hope I'll get over it. I hope I'll get over you. Yet I know I never will.

I know it doesn't mean much, but I love you, Harry James Potter.

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It's just not enough,
When we're so much more than friends.
We're much too young to throw away our cares.

I've always loved you, Hermione. I'm not sure when I realized it, but I know the feeling. I haven't felt much of it through my life, but I know that you're the one. I know that you've been patient with me, even when I'm a pain in the arse. I love that quality about you.

I'm terrified. I'm terrified of what you would say if I told you. I couldn't stand to be rejected by one of my closest friends. I couldn't stand to see the hurt in your eyes when you know my secret. I know I can't hold it to myself forever. But I also know that I have to bide my time.

I've been with Cho Chang for about a month now. I've been holding her like a shield. She can guard my secret from you. You always look so disapproving when I'm with her. Cho doesn't like that very much. It makes her uncomfortable. But it makes me a little happy to think that you would care enough about my well being.

You've always cared for me, come to think of it. I just wished that I could give something back to you, offer what you deserve. You deserve so much more than I can put forward. I hate that feeling of inadequacy. I hate that I'm not enough. I wish I were.

You've always been so beautiful. Sure, your hair can be a mess sometimes and you can be obnoxiously loud, but I love that about you. You don't give a flying damn about what anyone else says. You have the courage to say what you think and feel and express it in an animated form. You're always glowing when you talk.

I know that I've been ignoring you like the plague. But I've learned something. Absence really makes the heart grow fonder. I thought that I could forget you. But it's not that simple. I could never forget you. And Merlin knows I've tried ruthlessly. I never thought I'd fall in love with anyone. But once I saw you, I was taken.

I wish that I didn't feel this way about you, but I can't help it.

I know you don't care, but I love you Hermione Elizabeth Granger.

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