hero's aren't always brave

The day he left he told me the prophecy. I cried. It wasn’t a surprise. I’d known, subconsciously at least, that there had to be something of the sort. That didn’t make the definite knowledge any easier to handle, though.

***

“You mean you’re going to die?”

“No”

“Are you sure? That’s what it sounds like to me”

“RON! I am not going to die. At least, I’m not planning on it”

“Boys, what we need to figure out is what the power is”

“Huh?”

“Didn’t you listen? Honestly, Ron! ‘The one with the power the dark lord knows not’…we need to find out what that power is.”

“Oh”

“Hermione?”

“Yes, Harry?”

“I need to talk to you for a minute. Alone”

“Alright”

“Meet me tonight…under our tree by the lake, okay?”

“Okay Harry, I’ll be there”

***

So I agreed to meet him. It sounded important. He needed time to think before we discussed this with Ron. He could think out loud around me. He always could…I suppose he still can. But I wouldn’t know anymore.

He was late, as usual. But this time it was eerie. The lake takes on a silvery, unreal glow around midnight. One would swear that it was the spirit of a patronus.

“Hermione! You’re, you’re here!”

“Of course I am, silly! What’s on your mind?”

“I can’t do this. I can’t fight him. I can’t have the fate of the world rest on my shoulders.”

“Our shoulders, Harry. I’m always here”

“No dammit, this is my prophecy. It’s my curse. It all falls on me.”

“And I’ll be beside you every step—“

“No you won’t! I won’t let you! I can’t let you!—I…I can’t DO this. I can’t be a hero. I can’t be a savior. I’m only 16! It’s not FAIR!”

“I KNOW!”

“Of course. You always do.”

“Good”

“Could you…would you give this to Dumbledore, please? First thing in the morning?”

“Sure, Harry, but why can’t you…?”

“I don’t want him to read it in front of me”

“Oh”

“And…tell Ron I’m sorry?”

“Harry you act as if you’re dying”

“No, just taking a break. I’m going to fly out a bit. Clear my head”

“That’s a good idea. Is that what the letter to Dumbledore says?”

“Yeah. Hermione—you know you’re my best friend right?”

“Of course I do”

“I’m not exactly sure what love is. I know what my mother did for me was love, but…the point is, the closest thing I’ve ever felt to love is what I feel for you”

“I do love you Harry. Remember that.”

“I’m going to go now”

“Bye Harry! I’ll see you when you get back!”

“I’ll be seeing you Hermione. Look for me”

He grasped me in an unsteady hold then. He was shaking. I held him for a minute, and then we let go of each other. Then I saw the firebolt, stacked with food and clothes for at least a week. He climbed on and blew me a kiss, laughing the whole while. This would be good for him.

A gust of wind blew my hair to the side, and I blinked. I was standing on the ground, alone, clutching two letters and a memory. Harry was gone.

When I woke up the next morning, for some inexplicable reason, I needed to hold Harry. I sat up violently, and noticed the letter on my night table. It was first thing in the morning, so I threw on a plain school robe and ran out of our dorm.

***

I caught the headmaster as he was about to say his password (every flavor bean).

“Professor, I need to talk to you!”

“Ah, Ms. Granger, not with the young Mr. Potter, I see”

“No, actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. He told me to give you this.”

The man opened the parchment, and caught a small envelope that had been inside the larger one.

“This one, my dear, is addressed to you”

“What?”

“Read it”

“Yes sir”

“Not aloud though.”

“Oh, of course”

“Here, you might want to sit down”

His face was grim as he offered me a chair he’d just conjured up. It should have prepared me somewhat for the shock that was to come.

Dear Hermione,

You’re probably wondering why I didn’t just give this to you separately last night. The truth is, I didn’t want you to read it and try to catch me. And you would. Let me explain…

I told you I can’t do this. I can’t fight him. I can’t be what our world needs. I’m leaving. Well, actually, I left. Last night. I’m not coming back in a few days. I’m not coming back at all.

Do you hate me for it? It might be better if you did. Then I could feel properly guilty. Now I just feel like an ass. And a coward. But I can’t be a hero. I’m not ready to be a hero. There is no power that Voldemort doesn’t know about. I don’t want to die.

You probably don’t hate me though, do you? You’re extremely disappointed in me. You think I’m a coward. You think I’m being silly and immature. And it’s true. But I’m 16. I can’t do it!

I’m sorry. I really am. I should have told you. I just didn’t want you to convince me to stay.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. I’ll keep watch on you. If you ever need me, leave a letter on your doorstep. I’ll be there. I wish I could have stayed.

Love always and forever,

Harry James Potter

I sank down to my knees, buried my face in my hands, and wept.

I finished the rest of the year in shock. True to his word as usual, Harry didn’t come back. Much as the boy loved me, he never did return to Hogwarts. I don’t think he’d ever been back in all these years.

We 6^th years became 7^th years, and the year dragged on. I realized what I’d been too blind to see before. I loved Harry. ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’ Absence makes the heart realize what it’s lost. I needed him with me, and he was gone.

I began to write him letters. Love letters, letters telling him about my day, letters searching for the reason why he left. Letters begging for him to come back to me. All of my classmates began to see me as a little crazy. I didn’t mind. It gave me more space to miss him.

Ron was angry. He’d given up so much. As had his family. All for Harry. And their messiah had deserted them. Forgiveness came too late for my red-headed brother.

I missed Harry. I still do. I was in love with the man he had been, and the little boy who had left me. I wondered where he was. Was he warm? Was he dry? Was he safe? Was he alive?

As the years passed, the questions grew less frequent. My forever had left me, but there was no point in dwelling on it. We graduated from Hogwarts, and I left to go to a muggle college. I was going to teach at Hogwarts. Muggle Studies sounded nice.

I never sent the letters.

***

I went to Oxford. In my 5th year out of 6, I moved to my own London flat. Strange things began happening. 78 roses outside my doorstep one chilly winter night. I thought it was a bit odd, but I decided that it must’ve been a mistake in the delivery. I forgot about the incident.

One early morning, i found a letter with a familiar scrawl on the envelope slid under my door. I couldn’t breathe.

Did you ever need me?

Did you ever miss me?

I meant what I said when I told you I loved you.

I should never have left.

I am here, if ever you should call.

78 roses, for 78 months of missing you.

Did you even care?

I saw you give half of them away.

I’ll never understand you, Hermione.

I wish I could spend my whole life trying.

You’re my forever.

There was no signature, but it was completely unmistakable. Harry was back.

Some part of me snapped when I got that note. I began to look for him everywhere. If I saw a young man with raven hair I’d stare. It was never Harry. I didn’t see him. Had I lost him again? I couldn’t bear to think of it. I’d already lost him once.

He reappeared as suddenly as the note had. It was 3 weeks, 1 day, 5 hours, 23 minutes, and 49 seconds after I’d received the roses.

“Hey Hermione”

That was all he said. He looked well enough. Somewhat shaggy, but presentable, and still handsome. I fell into his arms.

“Mmmmm…you still use the same soap.”

“Oh god I’ve missed that apple shampoo. I even went and bought some in a drugstore. It wasn’t nearly as good.”

“I missed you, you know. Harry, why did you leave?”

“Shhhh…later. I want to savor this moment.”

We stood in my open doorway for hours. My neighbors stared, but we remained uninterrupted. I still fit in his arms.

Later we moved inside. I sat in a corner of my big, leather couch. He lay with his head on my lap. Just like in the Gryffindor common room. Minus Ron. But he simply wouldn’t have come. He never did.

“What did you do? Where did you go?”

“I lived, I survived. I was a muggle college student in America. I traveled the world. I thought of you…”

“Harry…please don’t say that!”

“Why not? It’s the truth.”

“But if you loved me you wouldn’t have left!”

“Is that really how you feel?”

“Harry, you abandoned me. You abandoned our world.”

“You know, I wish I could see Hogwarts one last time. I miss our tree, our place by the lake. Where we used to stare at the stars and fantasize about where our lives would go. Ron wanted to play quidditch. He did it. You always said you wanted to teach. Soon you will…And me? How have I lived up to those hopes and dreams? I wanted to beat Voldemort. I wanted to survive. I wanted to live. I wanted a wife, I wanted a family.”

“HARRY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? I LOVED YOU! I WOULD HAVE BEEN OUR WIFE! YOUR EVERYTHING! I LOVED YOU! AND YOU ABANDONED ME! EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! AND YOU ABANDONED ME! ABANDONED ALL OF US BECAUSE YOU WERE AFRAID! OF DYING! DIDN’T YOU THINK WE WERE? DON’T YOU THINK WE ARE? WE’RE STILL FIGHTING HIM. AND WE DON’T HAVE A CHANCE NOW BECAUSE YOU LEFT!”

“I’m sorry”

“Sorry won’t bring back Minerva, or Albus. Sorry doesn’t bring back Ginny.”

“WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? GO BACK IN TIME AND FORCE MYSELF TO STAY AND FIGHT? I CAN’T MAGIC IT BETTER, HERMIONE! FOR GODSSAKES!!”

“No, I just wanted you to fight.”

“I’m not brave like that, Hermione.”

“Hero’s don’t have to be brave. They just have to try.”

I started bawling. And he held me and soothed me. He held onto me and kissed me. We fell asleep. We survived.

After that night, he barely even smiled. He told no one else that he was back. Couldn’t bear any more rejection. He stayed in my flat. I was there. But I couldn’t protect him anymore. 2 weeks passed.

“I should never have come back”

“Don’t say that. I would have died without you. I love you”

”Love you too”

“I never get tired of hearing that”

“Listen…Hermione, I have some affairs I need to attend to. Some things I have to do. Set some things in order.”

“How long will you be?”

“I’m not sure. A day or two”

“Alright, Harry”

He kissed me long and hard. He breathed a goodbye in my ear, and apparated away. It was only then that I realized he’d said ‘one last time.’

Epilogue

He apparated straight to the order’s headquarters, I gathered later. Remus and Arthur welcomed him back warily. He had one simple request: make sure that I was safe. He couldn’t bear he thought of me dying while trying to fight by his side.

No one’s sure how exactly he did it. Whatever the power was, it vanquished the dark lord. People have told me it was love, and wonder what incredible love could cause such power. I just smile to myself when I hear that.

He never came back, though. Something in his body gave up as he used his last shred of life to send Voldemort to the grave. He fell softly and slowly, and he was dead before he hit the floor. They found another letter on him, on his body, after he…fell.

Hermione, love,

Don’t cry. I know you probably are right now. You always seem to cry right after I fight Voldemort. Haha. Wipe your tears away. I don’t want you to ruin the parchment. It was expensive. Hahaha.

It funny how I’m laughing from the grave. Because, if you’re reading this, I did die. I beat him though, I’m sure I did. I had something that he didn’t think was worth a penny. Love, Hermione. It was love that killed him, in the end. You’re love, to be exact. ‘Twas beauty killed the beast, not Harry. Beauty’s love for her coward knight.

Have I proved myself to you now? Am I worthy of loving you? You were my everything, Mione. There were no could-have-beens. Thank you for loving me in the two weeks we had. I didn’t deserve it, you. I hope I do now.

But don’t dwell on the absence of me. Don’t exist. LIVE! Taste a raindrop. Touch the sky. Fly. Do things you’ve never tried. Love again. Promise me you’ll do that. I love you.

Harry

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks later. There was no doubt as to who the father was. Little Harry’s three now. Raven hair, and the brightest mind you’ll ever see in a toddler. Today he asked me why he doesn’t have a daddy. I can’t wait to tell him about my hero.

It’s stopped raining now. the sun is out. And I can still feel Harry here with me. I still love him, and I always will. But I’m living now, just as he told me to. And life is a beautiful thing…