2. Chapter One: He Was Never Perfect

I own nothing.

***

Chapter 1: He Was Never Perfect

[Perfect, by Simple Plan]

September 1, 1977

Platform 9 ¾ was bustling with people, all calling out to each other and frantically checking to make sure they had all their belongings. Amongst the varied colors of hair a bright, vibrant red stood out from the crowd. Lily Evans stood next to her trunk and breathed in deeply. This was where she belonged, in the middle of this large mob of people. She glanced around so she would have a good memory of the final time she would board the Hogwarts Express on the first of September.

She looked down at her hands and frowned. She was shaking with nerves.

Lily Evans was nervous.

Lily turned over the thought in her mind and toyed with it. She had never been so nervous in her entire life, except perhaps when she had sat under the Sorting Hat. After that, nerves had become a thing of the past as she began to settle into her life at Hogwarts. She was anxious partly because of her new duties as Head Girl, partly because of the fact that James Potter—her inter-house rival—was Head Boy, and partly because of Sirius Black.

Sirius bloody Black.

Lily blushed at the thought of him and began to drag her trunk towards the train. She gave up halfway there and waited for her best friend to appear and help her. She sat on her trunk and propped her elbows on her knees and leaned her chin on her crossed hands. Sighing, she looked off at a faraway point, imagining what Sirius would do when he saw her.

Perhaps he would kiss her? Or maybe he would tell her how much he had missed her? She looked down and smiled slightly. She never would have thought she would be attracted to Sirius Black, but she was.

She was very attracted to Sirius. Everything about him used to repel her, but once she had actually gotten to know him…well, he was much different from her image of him. Their walks around the lake at the end of last year had shown her another side of him. A small part of her had thought—no, hoped—James Potter would turn out to be a good person as well, but he hadn’t spoken to her once since the first of May. Not once.

Oh well, Lily thought. Why am I wasting my time wondering about Potter when I could be looking for my boyfriend?

At that moment, she spotted someone even better than her boyfriend-of-only-three-months.

“Sun!” Lily yelled, and her best friend spun around and caught her eyes. She waved enthusiastically and pulled her trunk over to where Lily was.

“Lily!” she cried, throwing her arms around the redhead and kissing her cheek. Lily laughed.

Sunny was a very pretty girl, with straight, shiny, black hair that reached almost her waist and slanting, almond shaped dark eyes. Her mother and father were both born in China and were Muggles, but Sun was an American citizen by birth. She had moved to England shortly before she turned eleven, and therefore shortly before she started her first year at Hogwarts.

“Oh! There’s Remus and Pettigrew,” Sunny said, waving off to the side. Sunny was very good friends with Remus Lupin. “And there’s Sirius.”

“Oh, stop!” Lily said, smacking her friend in the arm. “Are you two years old?”

“Perhaps,” Sunny, said, throwing back her head and laughing. A second-year boy near buy stumbled and looked at Sunny with wide, adoring eyes. Lily laughed as he passed them.

“Oh, Sun, you’re shocking the children!”

Sunny sniffed and turned her nose up, raising an eyebrow at Lily playfully. “Right, Lily. Of course. The children. Aren’t you only seventeen? Since when did you become grandmother?” She grinned slyly. “When you got that?” She pointed at the Head Girl badge and Lily instantly felt guilty. Sun was a little miffed that Lily had become Head Girl. Lily assumed she would feel left out.

Lily grinned and shook her head. “No fair!” she pouted.

A whistle blew. “Oh, we’d better board the train,” Sun said. She paused, glancing at Lily nervously. “Are you…are you sitting in the Prefect’s compartments?”

Lily smiled warmly. “Only about a half-an-hour before we reach the school. There’s a meeting, but I’m sitting with you the rest of the time.”

Sun smiled at her, looking rather relieved, and pointed her wand at their trunks, muttering the Levitation Charm, since they could use magic as soon as the whistle blew. They boarded the train and went looking for a compartment. The first few were full, or were filled with not quite the best company. Namely, Muggle-hating Slytherins.

The second to last compartment was filled with a group of four Slytherins, all of which were in seventh year. Lily and Sunny knew all of them from Potions, flying, Care of Magical Creatures, and the Dueling Club.

“Get out, Chi,” Salmand Malfoy said, spitting out the name like it was poison. He didn’t even acknowledge Lily.

“We’re going, Malfoy,” Sunny replied.

“Well go faster,” Alex Avery sneered.

“Come on! Get a move on!” Jeremy Vole said. “And take your Mudblood residue with you!”

Lily and Sunny froze and glared as the Slytherins, including Snape, began to laugh uproariously. Lily was on the verge of taking house points and giving Vole a piece of her mind when a voice rang out in the compartment.

“20 points from Slytherin, Vole. Don’t let me ever catch you calling anyone that again, or I’ll tell your Head of House.”

Vole didn’t listen. He continued to laugh, until James Potter stepped into the compartment and marched straight up to him, his Head Boy badge standing out proudly on his chest. He grabbed a fistful of the Slytherin’s robes and brought his face right up to his. “Do I make myself clear?” he asked, his voice dangerously low.

The compartment went completely silent.

Slowly, Vole nodded. Potter put him down.

“Always protecting you girlfriend, aren’t you?” Vole asked.

Potter stared at him for a moment, and then his gaze flickered to Lily and Sunny. He shook his head and rolled his eyes before walking back into the last compartment. Reluctantly, Lily and Sunny followed him, leaving behind the compartment of baffled Slytherins.

“Hey, Evans,” Peter Pettigrew said coolly. “Chi.”

“Peter,” Lily acknowledged. She was making an effort to be nice to everyone this year. Except Potter.

“Remus! How was you summer?” Lily asked, stowing her trunk next to Potter’s seat. He continued reading his Quidditch magazine and ignored her. Lily frowned.

“It was okay. Never a dull moment,” he said.

“Did you get sick often?” Sunny asked.

Remus glanced at her, and then his friends. “Not once,” he said.

He’s lying, Lily thought idly, already turning her attention to Sirius, who was sitting next to Potter. Lily sat down next to Sirius, thoroughly irked. Sirius put an arm around her, and she leaned her head on his shoulder with a contented sigh.

Sunny was giving Remus Lupin shy looks and he was returning them, while Peter had already fallen asleep in his corner.

“So,” said Lily, turning to Sirius, rather disappointed that he hadn’t said anything to her yet. “How was your summer?”

“Hm? It was fine. James’s dad was great.”

“You stayed with Potter?” asked Lily quickly. She hadn’t known that.

“I live with Potter,” Sirius replied, leaning in for a kiss.

“Oh, get a room!” Potter cried, finally saying something. Lily and Sirius ignored him, continuing their kiss until an unwelcome voice from the doorway interrupted them.

“Do you have any respect for the sanity of others? If you continue that someone’s going to die from fright.” Lily broke away, her cheeks flaming, and looked at the man who was standing in the door of the compartment.

“Malfoy,” she said through gritted teeth.

“That’s Mr. Malfoy to you, dearest,” Lucius Malfoy ordered sharply. Indignant, Lily opened her mouth to say something but stopped when Potter stood.

“Oh, shut up, Lucius,” Potter said, his dark eyes blazing. “And please, leave.”

“I was actually looking in to see what the fuss is,” Malfoy said, ignoring Potter.

“And yet you’re still here even though you have no right to be on this bloody train in the first place. Have you forgotten that the Express is only for students? Current students, not former ones,” said Potter, shaking his head. “Now get out.”

“Still a scared of me?” asked Lucius in a whisper, stepping forward until he was almost nose to nose with Potter.

“I was never scared of you. I just never knew how much of a coward you were.”

“You little—“

“Fuck you. Get out before I take out my wand. I don’t give a damn if you were Head Boy. I’ll be better than you any day,” Potter spat.

Lily had to hand it to Potter; he could be quite intimidating when he wanted to. Malfoy sneered at Potter, who pointed to the door. The blonde-haired man laughed.

“You’ll get yours, Potter,” he said softly. Lily shivered. “You and your friends and the mudblood bitch.”

Lily was fully prepared to yell at Potter for defending her when the time came.

But he didn’t. Defend her, that is.

For the first time in her life, Lily missed the old Potter. The one who actually told people off for calling her names. She shook it off and watched as Potter whipped out his wand and pointed it between Malfoy’s eyes.

Malfoy glared at Potter for a moment before something in his eyes flickered and he smiled—a challenge—whirling around with his robes flapping and exiting. Potter slammed the door after him.

“Bastard,” Sunny muttered.

“He makes me want to—argh!” Lily said.

“We know,” Potter remarked dryly. “You should have seen your face when he called you dearest.” He sat down, and when the witch with the trolley came by, they all bought pumpkin pasties and cauldron cakes, spending the time until the Prefects meeting laughing and joking, (in Lily and Potter’s case, insulting).

“We have to go,” Lily said, standing up. Potter stood up after her.

Lily bent down for a quick kiss from Sirius and smiled at him, not missing the rather haunted expression in his eyes. She frowned and didn’t remark on it, following Potter out of their compartment.

There were only three Slytherins in the other compartment; Snape had probably already made his way to the Prefects compartment. They walked through without incident, and were halfway down the train when it stopped.

The lights went out and plunged them into darkness, and screams erupted from the compartments. Lily pressed closer to Potter with a small whimper and he chuckled.

“Scared of the dark, Evans?” he asked with a sneer in his voice.

“Yes,” Lily gasped, breathing shallowly.

“Hey,” Potter said, and she felt rather than saw him turn towards her, and he gripped her shoulders. “Are you really scared, Evans?”

She nodded, realized he couldn’t see, and answered “Yes.”

“It’s alright,” Potter said. She felt his arm go around her waist and heard a muttered “Lumos!”

There was now a semi circle of light and Lily cleared her throat, stepping away from Potter and drawing her own wand. “Lumos!” There was more light and she could see his face. He looked a little worried, but when he saw her looking, he quickly changed it into a sneer. “Don’t be a baby. What kind of Head Girl are you, Evans? Let’s go calm the kids down and tell them to light their wands.”

They moved forward into the next compartment, which was full of Gryffindor sixth years, minus the two prefects. They all had lighted wands. “Evans, Potter, do you know what’s wrong?” Jonathan Davis asked, his face eerily lit by wandlight.

“No, we were just on our way up.” After walking through the next few compartments, they stopped in front of a locked door. It was strangely cold in this corridor, and strange clucking noises and rattles were coming from the compartment. Lily gasped and gripped Potter’s arm painfully, making him curse. She paid him no mind.

“Potter,” she hissed. She counted in her head again to make sure. “This is the compartment that leads to the outside, the only one left open when the train is moving…”

Potter looked at her, understanding dawning in his eyes. They widened suddenly, and Lily saw that they weren’t brown, but hazel, with undertones of gold and blue and purple, all twisting, shimmering… “Oh, damn, Evans. Damn!” he repeated, running his hands through his hair. “It’s so cold…the sounds…you don’t suppose…Dementors?”

Lily bit her lip. “Let’s put out the wands,” she said slowly.

“Evans, you’ll just go soft ag—“

“Oh, shut up! I’ll be okay. Just don’t go too far.” He moved closer. “Not too close either,” she added hastily.

He swallowed, looking down at her, a strange expression in his eyes, and nodded, whispering “Nox.” She followed him and they were plunged into darkness. Like before, Lily moved closer to him, and he immediately gripped her arm. She looked up at him in shock, but she couldn’t tell if he was looking at her.

“Ready?” Lily heard.

“Yea,” she whispered back.

“Alohamora!” Potter whispered, and the door swung open.

Waves of cold swept over Lily and she began to shake.

“Chi-lly Li-ly, gave her germies,

when she kissed poor Bi-lly Wormie.”

“Oh, god,” Lily moaned, sinking to the floor, the old rhyme she’d been taunted with in grammar school ringing in her ears.

I don’t want to talk to you again, bitch…Go away, you freak!...Don’t touch me!...Her sister flinching when Lily stepped into the room…I’ll give you anything you want, Lily Evans, if only you’ll join me…I’ll give you anything… alright, Snivellus?... LEAVE H IM ALONE…mudblood…mudblood…mudblood…

“Evans! Evans, wake up, damn it!”

Lily slowly swam back up to the real world. She opened her eyes slowly and groaned. “Oh, god. It’s bloody bright in here.”

“Damn you, Evans! Don’t scare me like that again!”

Lily sat up slowly and looked at Potter. He was crouching beside her, his wand in hand, hazel eyes worried. He had his hand on her shoulder and was gripping it hard enough to bruise.

“What happened?” she asked thickly, getting to her feet. Potter dropped his hand quickly. He sighed and stood.

“We walked in and you were just—out of it—right away. You went to the floor and I started hearing—“ he swallowed, “—terrible things. I never want to remember…and they were coming towards us, about to Kiss me, and I thought…I don’t want to die like this…and it was enough, I guess. I conjured my first Patronus…” he looked at her in wonder. “It was a unicorn. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen…” Potter looked at her. “They left, then. The Dementors. You’d passed out.”

Lily’s shoulders sagged. “Oh, did I? I think I should learn how to conjure a Patronus as well…”

“It’s really hard,” Potter said softly.

“Lily!” Both Lily and Potter turned to the compartment door. Sirius stood there, his expression changing from worried to confused to furious. He was glancing between the two of them, probably noting their close proximity.

“Prongs…” Sirius said, his voice holding a dangerous note.

“Oh, shut up, Sirius. I wasn’t doing anything with Evans.”

“James, you promised you wouldn’t tell!” Sirius cried, looking at Lily.

“And I didn’t. The wimp isn’t crying, is she?”

The wimp! The nerve of him, Lily thought angrily.

“She almost is!”

“Padfoot, there were Dementors in here. She’s just scared,” Potter said softly.

“Are you alright?” Sirius put his hands on her shoulders and Potter moved away quickly.

“I’m—I’m fine, Sirius. As right as I’ll ever be.” With a jolt, the train began to move. “Come on, Potter. We need to check the front of the train. Sirius, could you go back and see if everything is alright? Ask Remus and Peter to help you.”

Sirius smiled at her weakly, that…expression behind his eyes again. “See you later Lily. Prongs.”

Potter nodded. “Come on, Evans.”

He walked ahead of her, his back stiff and his body radiating tension. He banged through the door to the first compartment, causing the Prefects in it to jump and curse.

“Potter!”

“Bloody hell!”

“What are you doing?”

“What happened?”

Potter ignored all of them. “Is everyone alright in here? Anyone need anything?”

All the prefects, one male from seventh year and two female, from fifth and sixth year, were Ravenclaws.

“Did anyone think to go and find out what was wrong?” Potter snapped. The Ravenclaws looked at each other uneasily.

“Veronica did, and so did Jack and David,” a boy said, naming the seventh year girl Prefect and the fifth and sixth year male prefects. Lily thought he looked familiar, but she couldn’t place his name. “She didn’t come back. Jack and David just passed us.”

“Which way did she go, Diggory?” Potter cried, stepping forward. Lily immediately saw why he was Head Boy. He radiated authority.

“Towards the student end of the train,” Diggory replied. Lily realized who he was. Amos Diggory, the seventh year male prefect for Ravenclaw.

“Shit,” Lily swore, and whirled to go back to the compartment which used to have Dementors. She heard hurried footsteps after her and saw Potter.

They banged through the door to the compartment and looked around frantically. There was no one there.

“I hope the Dementors didn’t get to her,” Lily whispered as they raced to the front of the train again. There were two compartments left to check.

The first held Severus Snape, three Hufflepuff Prefects, one boy from fifth year and two girls, on from sixth year and one from fifth. The pair said nothing to the occupants, ignoring their questions, and raced to the next. It was empty.

“Let’s go back,” Lily said tersely, trying to keep her heart from beating quickly.

The next compartment they checked held the female sixth year Gryffindor Prefect, Rebecca Hause, trying to calm down a group of kids from varied houses. Lily thought many of them might be first years.

“Come on,” Potter said. “The next compartment.”

There was Remus and the sixth year male Prefect from Gryffindor, John Rubin, telling a group of second year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws that they would have information sometime. Lily and Potter smiled at Remus before moving on down. There was a Prefect in every compartment but the last, where Sirius was sitting with a girl.

“Veronica! What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m fine Sirius. I just…I feel very cold.”

“Give her some chocolate,” Lily said from the doorway, and watched with interest as Sirius’s face flushed, and he looked at her guiltily. Potter too, wouldn’t meet her eyes, as he was moving to his bag and pulling out a candy bar. He handed it to Veronica Laws, a very pretty girl with dark hair and dark eyes, who nodded her thanks and bit into it gratefully.

“Do you want to tell us what happened?” Potter asked kindly, sitting down next to Veronica. Sirius sat on her other side, and Lily took a seat next to Potter. Sirius looked at her strangely, and Lily stared back at him. He looked away first.

“Stop it, James. I’m not a baby. I’m seventeen, just like you.”

Potter suddenly turned to her, with that worried look in his eyes again. “Do you need some chocolate, Evans?”

She nodded gratefully and Potter got up to get her a bar. While he was rummaging in his bag, Veronica turned and looked at her unkindly. She didn’t look scared anymore, and Lily had to wonder if she had just been pretending to have had a run-in with the Dementors to get attention from the two most sought-after boys in the school. Potter turned back to her with a chocolate bar.

She took the chocolate from him, ripping off the wrapper and biting into it. She savored the warmth that spread through her and looked up at James. “Thank you, Potter,” she said. He stared at her for an uncomfortably long period of time, his eyes almost—something she couldn’t describe. Neither looked away until they were interrupted.

“Lily?” Sirius sounded impatient, as if he had been trying to get her attention for a while.

“Yes?”

“I’m going to change, can you leave?”

“What? Oh, yes, of course.” She got up and left the compartment, Potter and Veronica behind her. They got into some conversation and she went to the compartment where she had seen Sunny, suddenly wanting to rant everything to her.

She turned to look at James. “Hey, Potter.” He stopped chattering and looked at her impatiently. “Did you say your Patronus was a unicorn?” She snickered. “You are the farthest thing from pure I have ever seen in my life.”

James glared at her. “Shut up, Evans. You don’t have any idea what you’re talking about!”

She was startled to see the panic and anger in his eyes, and accusation as well. She shifted from foot to foot. “Grow up,” she suddenly snapped, whirling away. That’s what it was, the emotion she couldn’t identify in the compartment after he’d given her chocolate.

Accusation.

This was going to be one hell of a year.

3. Chapter Two: Screwed

I own nothing.

Chapter 2: Screwed

“The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.”

--Elie Wiesel

September 1, 1977

“Firs’ years! Firs’ years over here!” A bulky mass appeared at the edge of the platform at the Hogsmeade station. “Y’okay, there, my favorite troublemakers?”

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter grinned at Hagrid. “Yea,” Peter said, “we’re fine.” His face darkened. “But the dementors on the train…” He shook himself and Hagrid’s normally jovial face turned a bit grim.

“Yes, well, I ‘spect Professor Dumledore will want to make announcements. He’ll prolly want to talk to James and Lily as well, since they’re the Head Boy and Girl.” Hagrid called out for the first years again, who were beginning to gather around him in clots.

“Don’t remind me,” a voice groaned, and James turned. Evans was scowling at him, standing beside Sunny Chi (who James had always thought was a sweet if rather naïve girl). “I have to work with him,” she wailed, stabbing a finger in his direction.

James sighed. “Just grow up,” he muttered, and Sirius smacked him about the head.

“Treat her with some respect, Prongsie old boy!” he cautioned, kicking James in the shin for extra effect. James grinned at his friend.

“Don’t worry, Padfoot. We won’t be talking much. Or had you forgotten?” James raised an eyebrow at Sirius’s stricken face.

Evans pulled a face at him and swept past him, stepping into one of the waiting carriages with Sunny. Grinning and shaking his head, James followed the two girls, taking along his three best friends. He sat down across from Sunny, who was next to Evans. Sirius sat next to Evans, Peter sat by James, and Remus sat next to Peter. Sirius frowned.

“I feel so alone,” he sniffled, and Remus grinned.

“As you should, Padfoot,” he quipped.

“No, no, no, Moony old pal, his name is Snuffles!” James crowed, and Peter burst into laughter, quickly followed by James and Remus.

“I don’t get it,” Sunny said. The boys continued to laugh, this time with Sirius.

“Don’t ask,” Peter told the girls when he had regained some of his composure. “Just don’t.”

Evans and Sunny (James had always liked her) shrugged.

The castle looked magnificent, as always, James observed as they pulled up in front of the doors. He hopped out, noticing with a grin that Remus held out a hand to help Sunny out, and averted his eyes from Evans and Sirius.

Peeves was not in the hall at the moment, but James knew he would be coming by at some point anyways, he always did. The group of six entered the Great Hall and took seats at the Gryffindor table, and watched as the Sorting Ceremony commenced. This year, there were four new Gryffindor boys and five more Gryffindor girls. James knew Jonathan Chang; the Potters and the Changs were good friends, going back one or two generations of purebloods. He didn’t know any of the girls or the rest of the boys.

After they had eaten, Dumbledore stood from his seat at the Head table.

“I am sure you all know about the trouble on the train this afternoon.”

The Great Hall suddenly went so quiet it would be possible to hear a pin drop.

“The truth is, there were Dementors on the train today, who were most probably carrying out orders from Lord Voldemort.” Many people in the room gasped and some flinched. Dumbledore continued on as if he hadn’t heard them. “If you are not aware of what a Dementor is, ask one of your classmates, your Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, or take out the book, ‘Bogies, Boggarts, and other Assorted Dark Creatures,’ from the library. I find it most informative.

“I must say that there were a few students on the train who handled the invasion very well, and I shall have to hand out House points at the moment. For their efforts on the train, I award five points each to Rebecca Hause, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and John Rubin of Gryffindor house. I award five points to Veronica Laws, Jessica Parker, Winston Ferral, Jack Darren, David McDonald, and John Dames of Ravenclaw house. I award five points each to Alex Johnson and Maxwell Dors of Hufflepuff house. Lastly, I award fifteen points each to our Head Boy and Girl, who showed great bravery and quick thinking: Lily Evans and James Potter. I would appreciate if the two of you would meet me outside my office after the feast. I’m sure you have memorized the route by now, Mr. Potter.”

There was a loud cheering sound from everyone but the Slytherins, who were disgruntled that they hadn’t gotten any points. James stood outside the doors to the Hall after telling his friends he would meet them upstairs.

“Evans!” James shouted, catching sight of her hair. Evans turned and saw him, then weaved her way through the crowd to him.

“Do you really know where Dumbledore’s office is?” she queried, and he grinned, nodding.

“Let’s go,” he said, and she followed him, scowling. When they reached the gargoyle, Dumbledore was already standing in front of it.

“Ah, my two Head students. Follow me, if you will,” he ordered, turning and walking off in another direction. James and Evans followed, until they reached a picture of a wood nymph, who blushed when James winked at her. He saw Evans scowl and immediately grinned. The joys of hacking her off…

“The password is ‘water lily,’ and from now on only the pair of you can change it. This is your the lounge you will hold prefect’s meetings and the like.” They followed him into the room, which was rather drab and not decorated with much of anything.

“You may decorate this room yourselves.” He led them to another picture, this one of a knight, who hurled insults at them.

“Oi, you scurvy buggers. Draw your swords and fight like men!”

“The password to this one is ‘dirty knave,’ and again, only you two can change it from now on. This is your own personal common room.” Dumbledore led them into a room and James gaped. It was decorated in Gryffindor colors, with gold walls, a red carpet, gold couches, and red cushions. A fire blazed in the hearth. Dumbledore walked over to a cabinet and pulled a key out of his robes, inserting it into the lock and opening it. With great care he removed an object and set it on the table.

“Pervideon Balls,” said Dumbledore. “A very rare object. Please take care of it. When someone is in trouble, you will be able to see what is taking place in that white misty fog. It should disperse. You can also call up a specific image of a person. I trust you will use these well and not use them for silly games and the like,” Dumbledore said, looking at them over his half-moon spectacles. James flushed guiltily. He had a feeling the Headmaster was mostly talking to him.

“Please sit,” Dumbledore requested, motioning towards the couches in front of the fire. He took one himself. James picked a red one; Evans picked a gold chair.

Dumbledore smiled.

“Disagreeing as always, I see.” He sighed softly. “I need your complete co-operation this year. I know it is a lot to ask, but you may not argue about petty things in my presence, and I will ask you to refrain from ripping each other’s throats out.”

Evans chuckled softly and James smiled warily. He was dreading Dumbledore’s next words.

“Mr. Potter, Miss Evans. I’m sure you are wondering why Mr. Potter, who has never been a prefect, is Head Boy.” He smiled as they looked at each other uneasily. “I simply thought he would be a better candidate than Dean Rosier.”

James’s jaw dropped. What on earth…

“How so?” Evans asked, voicing James’s thoughts.

“Despite your immaturity, Mr. Potter, I think you will be much more compatible for Miss Evans. I felt it was time for an intervention. I feel that with a reasonable amount of work, you could be the most brilliant Head pair in the history of the school. You could work together effortlessly. You are more similar than you may think,” Dumbledore explained.

Evans was glaring at James with a look of the utmost disdain, as if this was his fault.

“Yes, see, maybe we could work together if Potter would tell me why he won’t talk to me anymore!”

Dumbledore was staring at James with an uncanny expression in his eyes...as if he knows…but that’s impossible…right?

“Don’t you think,” the aged Headmaster said quietly, “that it is time you let go of old grudges, James? There was a time when, if I had paired you two together, you would have—“

“Sorry,” James interrupted, “but this grudge is most definitely staying until Sirius—“ James stopped abruptly, and Evans, who had leaned forward in her seat, threw herself back on the chair with a pout. James found this unbearably cute and immediately mentally smacked himself for thinking as such.

“See! Every time he gets close to saying something he clams up! How am I supposed to work with that?” she whined. Dumbledore shot her a slightly reproving look.

“Don’t whine, Miss Evans,” he chided.

“Sorry,” replied Evans, blushing.

“So, are you going to tell Lily why you pretend to hate her?” asked Dumbledore softly, his piercing eyes fixed on James.

“I don’t pretend. I do hate her.”

Dumbledore smiled wearily. “That’s what I thought you would say,” he sighed. “Ah, well. Since we are making no breakthroughs, let us discuss the situation on the train.”

No one spoke for a full minute. Finally, James voiced began his sequence of events. He mentioned that Malfoy had made some degrading comments when he’d stopped by, and told how he and Evans had investigated the train. He didn’t mention how Evans was afraid of the dark or how she had collapsed when the Dementors got close.

“I conjured my first Patronus, Professor,” he said softly, not sure if that constituted as bragging or not.

“Did you, now?” asked Dumbledore. “What form did it take?”

“A unicorn,” said James.

“I see,” said Dumbledore. “I see. Miss Evans? If you would tell me your perspective of the incident?”

Evans’s version was basically the same as James’s, the only differences being at the very beginning of the journey. When she had finished, Dumbledore smiled at them.

“I expected as much of you two. I’m very glad you were picked this year.” He sighed heavily. “There were two dementors on the train, it seems. They escaped from the control of the Ministry and are traveling the countryside. Fortunately no one was Kissed, and hopefully no one will be before we apprehend them.”

“Are they—are they part of Voldemort’s army?” Evans asked tentatively.

“I believe so, although it will be a nightmare convincing Minister of that,” grumbled Dumbledore. “But now, this subject is much too depressing for tonight. There are one or two more things we have to discuss.”

“Like what?” James asked curiously.

“There will be foreign delegates arriving around Christmastime, inspecting the school and for a conference, and we shall be having a ball in their honor. It needs planning. You two need to plan it. I expect to be informed of the plans regularly, and you may talk to me at any time if any problems arise. Good night.”

And with that, Dumbledore left the room.

“So, a ball?” James said, breaking the five-minute silence Dumbledore’s departure had caused.

“Yea.”

“Dress robes?”

“Sorry Skipper, but yea.”

“Skipper?”

“Muggle thing.”

“Giggling?”

“Hell yes. Have you seen the rest of the girls in our year?”

“Asking someone?”

“Sirius.”

“Of course.”

“You?”

“Anyone but Maria.”

“Maria?”

“Nasty break-up last year.”

“How nasty?”

“She threw a mace at my head.”

“Bloody hell!”

“I pissed her off.”

“Probably didn’t take much effort then.”

“Shut up.”

“You shut up.”

“No, you.”

“You.”

“Do girls enjoy this type of thing?”

“Yes.”

“Girls are weird.”

“Don’t tell that to me when I’ve thrown a mace at your head.”

“So, I have to ask a girl to a ball.”

“Yup. Haha.”

“Shut up.”

“Screwed, then?”

“Screwed, Evans. Very screwed.”

“How many times?”

“I can go all night. I’ll have you screaming my name.” He leaned forward until he was almost nose to nose with her. He noted with satisfaction that she began to breathe a little faster.

“Uh, no thanks.”

“Pity.” He sat back in his seat.

“Shut up, Potter.”

“You shut up, Evans.”

“Again, ‘cause I can go all night.”

“Ooh, touché, Evans. Good one.”

“I am the best.”

“Yea, out of you and Peter.”

“I resent that.”

“Watch it, Peter’s my friend.”

“You just insulted him, Potter!”

“He’s still my friend.”

“Sure.”

“He is.”

“Sure.”

“He is!”

“Sure.”

“Fuck you, Evans.”

“…”

“Fuck you, Evans,” he repeated.

“Fuck you very much, Potter.”

“Took you a while to think that up, didn’t it?”

“But it was good.”

“I’ll admit that. Still took you a while.”

“More than you got.”

“So, how’s Sirius?”

“You just saw him two minutes ago.”

“Oh.”

“Yea.”

“Should I shut up?”

“No, you are entertaining.”

“Oh, really?”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Potter!”

“Uh-huh.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck you very much, Evans.”

“Ooh, mocking me, are you?”

“Don’t you know it!”

“You bastard.”

“I’m legitimate.”

“Your Patronus is a unicorn?”

“Shut up, Evans.”

“Is the unicorn significant?”

“Only to me, it has nothing to do with you.”

“Wanna play a game?”

“Sure. Why the hell not.”

“You say something and the other person has to say the first thing that comes to mind.”

“Okay, start.”

“Cherries.”

“Sweet.”

“Remus.”

“Moons.”

“Full.”

“Lips.”

“Sirius.”

“Dogs.”

“Puppy dog eyes.”

“My eyes.”

“Beauty.”

“What?”

“You have beautiful eyes.”

“Ooookay then. Moving on.”

“Where were we?”

“You said, ‘beauty.’”

“Your turn.”

“Your eyes.”

“Green.”

“Creative, Evans.”

“Shut up, Potter.”

“Fine, Evans.”

“Just go on, off of green.”

“Grass.”

“Daisies.”

“Sunshine.”

“Strawberries.”

“Whipped cream.”

“Fuck me.”

“Excuse me?”

“First thing that came to mind when you said ‘whipped cream.’ More of a memory. You don’t want to know.”

“Ooooookay then. Moving on. Off of ‘fuck me’.”

“Yea.”

“Screaming.”

“Names.”

“Letters.”

“Shakspeare.”

“Writers.”

“Juliet.”

“Capulet.”

“Romeo.”

“Men.”

“Mars.”

“What?”

“Muggle thing.”

“Getting sick of that.”

“Live with it. Your turn, Potter, off of Mars.”

“Moonlight.”

“Beaches.”

“White sand.”

“Turquoise water.”

“Making love.”

“What?”

“You know, making love on a beach of white sand under the full moon with turquoise blue water surrounding you. Classic romantic fantasy.”

“Are you sure you aren’t gay, Potter?”

“No, I just like to please a woman.”

“Right…”

“Yes. That is right. You’re kind of strange. Did you know that?”

“No. I’m just messing with your head.”

“Figured as much.”

“I’m tired.”

“Am I supposed to care?”

“Is the game over?”

“Obviously.”

“Did we just spend the last fifteen minutes making mindless banter?”

“Apparently so.”

“Our lives would make good soap operas.” Evans sighed.

“What the hell is a soap opera?”

“Muggle thing.”

“Obviously.”

“Yea.”

“Okay.”

“So there are two dementors loose in the country.”

“Just noticing, Evans?”

“Know what that means?”

“What?”

“We’re screwed.”

“Knew that. So there’s a ball?”

“Just noticing, Potter?”

“Touche. Know what that means?”

“What?”

“I’m screwed.”

“In the head?”

“Yea.”

“Oh.”

“Marry me?”

“Why the hell would I do that?”

“Severe brain trauma.”

“You’re insane.”

“And proud of it.”

“You’re nutters.”

“Just noticing, Evans?”

“Yea. Know what that means?”

“I’m guessing you’re going to tell me.”

“I’m screwed.”

“You’re funny, Evans.”

“Thank you, Potter.”

“Welcome, Evans.”

“And I thought you’d grown up.”

“Thank you.”

“Your head hasn’t deflated a bit, has it?”

“Thank you, I think.”

“Let’s go to bed, Potter.”

“Yea, Evans, that’ll work.”

“Okay then.”

They left the room and walked through the lounge until they were in the hall. It was almost a twenty minute walk to Gryffindor tower.

“Um, do you always walk in silence, Evans?”

“Only when there isn’t any intelligent life around.”

“Thank you. My goal.”

“Slytherins suck.”

“Random, much?”

“No, Potter, that’s the password.”

“Apparently not. She hasn’t opened.”

“She’s not there.”

“Just noticing, Evans?”

“Yea, know what that means, Potter?”

Simultaneously, they turned to each other and said, “We’re screwed.”

4. Chapter Three: Dreams

I own nothing.

Chapter 3: Dreams

“I had a most rare vision. I have had a dream, past the wit of man to say what dream it was.”

--A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Shakespeare

September 16, 1977

“What’s up, Sirius? You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something!”

“N-n-n-n-n-new.”

“What?”

“N-n-n-n-new.”

“New what?”

“C-c-c-c-lass!”

“What?” Lily cried, grabbing the parchment from his hand and scanning it quickly. It stated that the entire school would be taking a new class called ‘Ancient and Practical Magic,’ taught by Professor Madhura Patel.

“What? How are we supposed to fit a new class into our schedule? Is there any time?” Lily asked.

As if to answer her questions, writing appeared at the bottom of the page.

‘This class will meet from seven to eight-thirty every Monday and Friday until further notice, effective immediately.’

“WHAT?” Sirius yelled. Several people looked over curiously. It was mid-way through September on a Friday afternoon, and there weren’t many people left in the common room.

“Yea,” said Lily irritably. “Tonight. We have to go tonight!”

“Go where?” asked Peter, coming up from behind Lily and Sirius and sitting down on the couch across from them.

“New class,” explained Lily. “I’ve never heard of Madhura Patel though. Her name sounds foreign.”

“It’s Indian,” said a voice behind them, and Lily and Sirius turned to see Potter and Remus coming through the portrait hole.

“How do you know?” asked Lily, irked that he knew more than she.

Potter smirked at her. “My dad works for the ministry, Evans. He heard that she was coming to teach here. I can’t help but overhear.”

“With a little help from your dear old Aunt Jemima,” Remus snorted, propelling Potter forward. “Move. You’re blocking the portrait hole.”

Potter scowled at Remus good naturedly and sat down next to Peter. Remus took a seat in the solitary armchair.

“What does his Aunt Jemima have to do with anything?” Lily asked irritably.

“She gave him the Potter Inv—oof!” Peter huffed as Potter elbowed him in the stomach.

“Shut it, Wormtail!” he hissed.

“So, what do you know about Patel?” asked Sirius quickly, and Lily knew he was changing the subject.

“First of all,” Potter sighed, “her name is pronounced Puh-TALE. Okay? Not, ‘patel’.”

“Forgive me, O Mighty One of all things such as pronunciation,” Sirius mocked, grinning. “Mr. I-can-hardly-levitate-a-feather.”

“Shut up, Padfoot,” Remus said absently, inspecting a hangnail. He pulled out his wand and healed it before looking up at Potter. “Go on.”

“She’s an expert on Ancient Magic. Really young. That’s all I know.”

“I want to be an expert of something,” Lily said wistfully, as Potter and Sirius began to speculate what they would learn in the new class.

“Hey, Lily,” Remus said, distracting her from her thoughts.

“What?” she asked back.

“Where’s Sunny?”

Lily tried not to grin. So, Remus fancied Sunny, did he? Good for them. They would fit well together.

“Library. Needed some books. Actually,” she frowned and looked at her watch. “She should be back soon. I hope she didn’t get into trouble. Then she might get points taken away from Gryffindor.”

“I’m sure,” said Potter.

“Oh, you shut up, Potter,” Lily ordered, throwing a pillow at him.

“You!”

“Oh god, not again!” Lily cried, throwing up her hands in defeat and covering her face with them.

“You sure, Evans? Because I can go on all night.”

“Nuh-uh, Potter! That was me, remember!”

“What in blazes are you talking about?” Sirius asked incredulously.

“Sex?” said Remus dryly, not looking up from the book he was now reading.

“WHAT?” bellowed Sirius.

“Calm down,” said Lily hastily, glaring at Remus. “We just had another one of those ‘Shut up,’ ‘No, you shut up,’ ‘You!’ ‘You!’ fights a few weeks ago! What did you think we were talking about?” she asked.

“Sex?” offered Remus again, turning a page. Potter threw a cushion at him.

“Do you enjoy making comments as dry as burned toast?” the messy-haired boy asked bitterly, “Because it’s ruining my goddamn life!”

“Sorry,” said Remus, staring at Potter, perplexed. Lily could understand why. Potter was being unnecessarily touchy, as was Sirius. What the hell was wrong with them?

“Okay, okay, center yourselves,” Peter said, finally speaking. Everyone looked at him and he flushed.

“Muggle thing,” he said sheepishly. “I’m taking Muggle stu—“ he began, but before he could finish, Potter let out a short cry of annoyance.

“Argh! If I hear the phrase ‘Muggle thing’ one more time, I’m going to chase after whoever said it with a stick and beat them senseless!” he said loudly.

The common room was absolutely silent and Potter flushed.

“Carry on,” he snapped, “nothing to see!”

The activity resumed and Potter sat down. He glared at each of the people around him in turn. “Not. A. Word.”

“You know, James, if you promise that you’ll chase after me with a stick and then shag me senseless, I might just say, ‘Muggle thing.’”

Lily turned to see an extremely pretty girl with glossy brown hair and large blue eyes. Her gaze was fixed on Potter like tiger homing in on prey. Lily felt incredibly annoyed at this girl for interrupting their afternoon. She could already tell trouble was brewing.

The silence hanging over the corner was thick with tension, especially around Potter. The Marauders obviously knew something Lily didn’t, because they were shifting in their seats, shooting glances at Potter and the girl out of the corners of their eyes.

“Danes,” Potter said icily.

The girl laughed. “There was a time you called me by my given name, James.”

“What do you want, Maria?” Potter snapped, letting down his guard. Understanding hit Lily like a freight truck. This was the girlfriend who had thrown a mace at Potter’s head.

“I missed you over the summer,” Maria whispered, stepping closer to Potter. Peter got up with a squeak and hurried over to sit with Sirius and Lily.

“You mean you missed shagging someone over the summer, Maria. Or perhaps your town just doesn’t have men stupid enough to fall for you.”

Maria Danes opened her mouth to say something but Potter cut her off.

“We’ve been through this,” he bit out through gritted teeth. “Several. Painful. Times.”

“I know,” Maria said, biting her lip, “but I still think it’s unfinished.”

Potter laughed bitterly. “I think it was quite finished when you threw a ball of spiked metal and my head. I was in the hospital wing for an effing week! Do you know how scary Gauche is?”

Maria winced. “I’m sorry, James.”

Potter cocked an eyebrow. “Are you now? Isn’t that what you said when you shagged Rosier behind my back for the third time? Or maybe that was after the fourth.”

Something akin to regret flitted across Maria’s face and she buried her face in her hands.

“I—I just—you were so—oh, James!” she cried, forcing the words out through heart-wrenching sobs. She threw herself into his arms and buried her face in his shoulder, crying convulsively. Potter looked utterly torn. He must not know how to deal with a crying girl, Lily thought with contempt. She caught sight of Maria’s face and raised an eyebrow.

It was totally perfect.

Not a tear in sight. No mascara runs. No eyeliner runs. No tear streaks that you read about in romance novels. Why, that little faker! Lily thought indignantly. I doubt Potter will see through her! Poor sod.

But Potter wasn’t falling for it. He pried Maria’s arms off his neck and pushed her away slightly. She wouldn’t move. The common room was fixed on them, and neither noticed it.

“Maria,” Potter said coldly, “Look at me.”

Maria shook her head, keeping her face buried in his chest.

“Fine,” Potter sighed. He looked utterly weary. “Maria,” he continued, his voice suddenly sounding clipped and brisk, contrasting to his tender look. “I remember quite clearly the three times we broke up, and the last comment you had to throw at me before you through a mace at my head. I believe it was something to the effect of, ‘You were an amazing shag, but I want someone who doesn’t give a fuck if I’m joining into Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff orgies.’ Forgive me if I don’t give damn for you theatrics.”

With one movement, he shoved Maria off his lap and onto the couch, standing and dusting off his hands as if he had touched something dirty, and several boys in the room clapped.

Maria looked furious and slightly confused. Probably wondering why her sobs didn’t work, Lily thought scathingly.

“I don’t want a relationship, James,” the blue-eyed girl said softly, her face twisting into a wry smile. “I just want to be friends...with benefits.”

“Bloody hell!” Sirius exclaimed as she stood, pressing her body to Potter’s rigid one. She ran a hand down his chest and placed her lips on his neck, moving them downwards. Potter shuddered slightly, then reacted by pushing her away.

“Not this time Maria. Not this time!” He looked desperate now and his breathing was picking up.

“Whatever do you mean by that?” asked Maria softly, stepping forward again. Potter backed away like a cornered animal, an almost…hunted expression on his face. “Don’t fight it, love, just come with me, I’ll do things you’ve never even heard of before—“

Lily decided it was time to intervene. Potter looked as if he was about to rip off Maria’s clothes any second if she continued. His eyes were glazed over.

“Fifteen points from Gryffindor for inappropriate displays of affection!” she shouted, pushing Maria slightly to break her and Potter’s eye contact. What kind of spell was that? She wondered. It had to have been a charm. “Get out of my sight!”

Maria glared at Lily before huffing away, throwing a look at Potter over her shoulder. He rounded on Lily angrily.

“Why did you do that?” he snapped at her viciously.

“Do what?” Lily asked, confused.

“Shove her away! I’ve been trying for ages to—“

“To what?” Lily cut him off. “To shag her again? Sorry, but I don’t want to see that!” she snorted.

Potter glared at her, his entire frame shaking with repressed anger. He took a step forward until he was almost nose to nose with her. “If that’s what you think of me, Lily Evans, then you can go SHAG YOURSELF!” he shouted, before whirling around and leaving her standing speechless.

Lily was left gaping after him as he left in a flurry of black robes.

“So, what d’you reckon this class will be like?” asked Remus, addressing the four people around him.

“I don’t know, Remus!” Sunny answered cheerfully. She had joined them right after dinner, and had been regaled with the tale now dubbed ‘The Snubbing of Maria Danes,’ by several people.

“Oh, shut up,” Sirius groaned. “You can drop the ‘I’m so happy’ mood! We’re all a little shocked by what happened in the common room, so stop trying to avoid the subject! Just talk about the bloody drama already!”

“I know she must be using a charm,” Lily muttered.

Sunny stared at her. “Who?”

“Maria Danes,” Lily snapped. She immediately regretted it as Sunny looked down and away. “I’m sorry, Sun,” she said in a softer voice. “I’m really sorry. I just know that Danes was using some charm or spell or something to attract Potter! He was fine until she started talking in the husky voice and keeping eye contact!”

“Uh, yea, Lils. It’s called desire,” said Sirius, as if he was talking to a child.

“Don’t call me Lils!” Lily said irritably. She hated the shortened version of her name. Couldn’t they just leave it at Lily?

“Okay, okay,” Sirius said, backing away slightly.

“We’ve heard, Evans, several times in fact,” said a voice behind them.

Potter drew up next to Lily and slowed to the group’s pace, staring determinedly ahead. After their argument in the common room, Lily hadn’t seen him all day, and he hadn’t come to dinner.

“We were talking about Maria, James,” said Remus carefully. “Anything to say?”

Potter stopped, and so did the other five. He put a hand to his forehead and sighed.

“Look, Evans,” he said, surprising Lily by addressing only her. “I’ve been trying for ages not to shag Maria, but she gets in my head! You have to understand. It’s impossible to not shag the woman once she gets it in her head to look for a bloke! She uses a charm or a spell or something...but I have no idea what kind or how strong.”

Lily was nodding energetically. “I know, I know. That’s what I was thinking! I doubt it’s a love charm. There aren’t many strong enough, unless it’s something special. I’ll have to look in the library—“

Unknowingly they started walking, and before they knew it, they had made it to the third floor and made their way down the corridor, stopping at the end and opening the door. The trap door was open and they went down the spiral steps, coming into an amphitheatre, with a raised platform in the center. Students were milling about in the chairs, but there was no sign of the teacher.

Suddenly, a sound like a loud gong rang throughout the room, echoing off the arched ceiling, and everyone was silent. A large platform was rising in the middle of the dais, with a single, solitary figure standing on it.

Everyone gasped as she stepped into the light.

She was beautiful...and her features held an almost ethereal quality. Her eyes were huge, almost too big, but it was a good look for her, and the deepest brown. She had high cheekbones and warm olive skin, with and softly pointing chin, topping off a heart-shaped face. Her lips were full and red, her teeth, seen in her smile, white and even. She was wearing a pair of slacks and shirt under midnight blue robes. That wasn’t what made her so striking though.

She couldn’t have been older than twenty.

“You said she was one of the most respected witches ever!” Lily hissed to Potter, smacking the back of his head. He was sitting in front of her between Remus and Peter, whereas Sirius and Sunny were on either side of Lily.

“She is!” whispered Potter fiercely, rubbing his neck and glowering at Lily.

“How old is she?” asked Peter incredulously.

Potter thought for a moment. “She’s turning eighteen this winter. That’s what the thing in December is for.”

“But I thought that was for foreign delegates!” exclaimed Lily.

Potter bit his lip, and then leaned in so no one else could hear. “It’s simple. He lied.”

“But why—“

“Hello.”

The word echoed in the silent room.

Lily shut up.

Patel’s voice was like honey, bewitching, soft, smooth, candlelight.

“My name is Madhura Patel.”

Silence.

“I am an expert on Ancient Magic, and that is what I am here to teach you. The first thing to do is evaluate all the students here. For this, I will need the assistance of my colleagues, Professors Dumbledore, Jarvis, Flitwick, Boot, Jones, Vector, and Sandrine. This list,” she waved her wand, and a sheet of paper appeared before her, expanding until everyone in the room could read it while it was hovering in the air behind her, “will tell you what teacher will be evaluating you. Please go to that teacher immediately.”

Lily looked closely at the list. She was with Professor Patel herself, along with Remus. Sirius and Peter were with Jarvis, Sunny was with Flitwick, and Potter was with Dumbledore. Lily and Remus pushed their way through the crowds toward the stage, pulling themselves up and making their way towards the large crowd around their new professor. Lily saw a few familiar faces, including Maria Danes and Severus Snape, as well as some other people she knew.

“Please form an orderly line,” Patel said warmly. “When I call your name step forward, and I will inspect you for any of the many types of ancient magic. Danes, Maria!”

Lily watched closely as Danes stepped forward. She looked incredibly nervous as Patel pointed her wand at her chest and said, “Donis antiquus deorum pervideo!” Maria jumped and winced slightly, a sour expression on her face.

A whirring sound started up, and Lily looked to the woman’s left. What looked like a Muggle printer which most certainly had not been there before was spouting out eighteen sheets of paper covered in swirls, words, shapes, and scribbles. Patel picked up the paper and skimmed over it, cocking an eyebrow and looking at Maria.

“Ms. Danes, I think we need to have a talk later on. Please step aside. Draper, Aaron!”

“Donis antiquus deorum pervideo!” Another sheet of paper spouted out of the printer, single. There was very little on it. “Step aside, then dear. Evans, Lily!”

Feeling as if she was being sorted again for some odd reason, Lily stepped forward, meeting the woman’s huge eyes. They were twinkling merrily. “Donis antiquus deorum pervideo!” A sharp pain stabbed in her right temple. She clamped a hand to the side of her head and cried out softly, biting her lip to keep from screaming. This was agony!

Suddenly, as abruptly as it had appeared, the pain cut off. Lily looked down to see a stack of pages in the printer and gaped. Surely she hadn’t produced all of that!

“Thirty-one pages, Ms. Evans,” Patel said to her. “Did that hurt much?”

“Not really,” Lily lied, knowing that the others had been under the same spell and felt nothing. Was she weak, or something?

“I see, Miss Evans,” Patel said knowingly. “Step aside, please.”

The strangest thing was that no one produced even half as much paper as Lily had. The largest amount below hers (and Maria Danes’s) was to a Slytherin fourth year named Selentia Bones, who managed to spout out five pages. Remus, surprisingly enough, only produced half-a-page, which was strange as he was very smart.

After the entire group was done they returned to their seats. Sunny and Potter were already there. Sunny looked chipper and Potter looked troubled; he kept on touching his temple as if expecting something to be there. He was wincing every now and then.

“What’s wrong with you?” Remus asked as they sat down.

“Ah, shut up Moony! Feels like I got a hangover! That hurt!”

“How bad?” asked Lily curiously.

“Feels like I got shot in the head and then had someone tap dance on my skull. My eyes have spots!” he cried.

Lily stared at him shrewdly. “How many pages did you produce, Potter?”

“Forty-six. Leave me the hell alone!”

Lily mouthed the number ‘forty-six’ soundlessly over and over again.

“I-I only got thirty-one,” she said softly, feeling like she wasn’t very clever all of a sudden.

“Yea, well, thank god. This hurts!” Potter looked at her. “Wait. Thirty-one? No one else in my group got so much.”

“It was agony. God, it must bad for you! If thirty-one is that painful, then forty-six…” Lily murmured.

“Why do reckon we got so much?” asked Potter eagerly, scooting over closer.

His proximity flustered her. “I don’t know, Potter,” she snapped, instantly putting her guard up.

A strange expression crossed his face, and then he shook his head. “Right,” he said quietly, touching his right temple again.

“Sorry,” Lily said regretfully.

Potter looked at her in shock. “Are you kidding me?’ he finally whispered.

“What do you mean?” asked Lily.

“You—you just apologized to me!” cried Potter, causing several people to look over, including Sunny, Remus, and Sirius and Peter who had just returned from Jarvis.

“Wow. The world is coming to an end,” said Remus dryly. “Woohoo.”

Lily shot him a withering look. “Shut up.”

“Yea, don’t talk to my girlfriend that way!” piped up Sirius. Beside Lily, Potter snorted.

“Do you have something to say, Potter?” Lily asked him suddenly. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights with wide eyes. “Because frankly I’m getting sick of your side comments and mumbling.”

“Nothing,” Potter muttered, kicking the empty air in front of him and slouching down. Lily turned to Sirius.

“Yes?” she asked when she saw him staring at Potter with the strangest expression on his face.

“Nothing,” said Sirius. “I just think I figured something out,” he added cryptically. Lily rolled her eyes. She could never get a straight answer from any one of the Marauders.

Patel announced that the class was over and the group of six headed for the doors, eagerly discussing their class. It wasn’t until they were halfway to Gryffindor tower that Lily realized Potter and Sirius were gone. She looked over her shoulder to see Sirius pulling Potter along the corridor with both of his arms. Potter was putting up a tremendous fight.

Stealthily, Lily crept down the corridor, the one that led to the kitchens. One room door was open, and familiar voices were wafting through the air.

“—don’t!” said Potter.

“Yes you do!”

“Not anymore!”

“I know you better than anyone, Prongs—“ began Sirius.

“I SAID I DON’T!” cried Potter, sounding nearly hysterical.

“Alright, alright.”

“Alright,” said Potter, sounding as if he was pouting, “fine.”

“Good. Now tell me why you’re so hacked off at me.”

“I’m not,” said Potter plaintively.

“But then—“

“I had dreams,” Potter whispered.

“Okay, mate, there’s no need to tell me anything else!” cried Sirius in a panic.

“Not those kinds of dreams! I mean, nightmares. But it was strange, as if I was—intruding. And I was watching, not having the dream, it seemed…I’ve never seen anything so damn real--”

Sirius cut Potter off and Lily inwardly groaned. That close to finding out what they hell they were talking about and Sirius ruined it…

“I know I was supposed to end it,” Sirius mumbled. Lily moved closer.

“No, Sirius,” said Potter suddenly. Lily heard a chair scrape and she moved farther away in case she had to make a run for it. “You can keep on going with it. I’ll be fine. Because I hate her anyways, and you need your three Galleons, don’t you?” His voice was heavy with sarcasm and something else…

“See you at the tower,” Potter spat, slamming the door open. Lily squeaked softly and pressed herself into the shadows.

She waited for a long time, but Sirius never left the room. Finally giving up, she headed towards the kitchens for a snack, her brain laden with confusion and questions.

5. Chapter Four: The Attack

I own nothing.

Chapter 4: The Attack

“Sad soul, take comfort, nor forget,

That sunrise never failed us yet.”

--Celia Thaxter

September 25, 1977

James let out a satisfied sigh as he put down his quill, stowing away his newly completed Transfiguration essay in his bad. It was surely and ‘Outstanding’ piece of work. He looked across the table and spotted Sirius, who was frantically scribbling away at something or the other. Sensing nothing interesting, he turned to Remus, who was predictably working diligently on Herbology. Peter was chewing on his nails nervously, tapping his quill against his leg.

James sighed, this time in boredom. Why does nothing interesting ever happen to me? he thought sullenly. It was just after the last class of the day, Transfiguration, and the four boys were working frantically to finish various pieces of work for the next day. James still had his Herbology essay to complete, but he could always do that later.

“If it isn’t Perfect Potter,” a voice spat in a whisper from behind him, and he rolled his eyes, his demeanor cool. “Are you okay, Potter? Not so vocal? Cat got your tongue? Or should I say, Danes got your tongue?” No one else could hear his tormentor; they were all writing away, even Peter.

James stiffened and Sirius looked up, sensing the cold fury radiating off his friend.

His eyes narrowed as he caught sight of the boy behind James. “Excellent, Snivellus, provoke the Head Boy. Then again, you always were thick, weren’t you?” he sneered.

“I would expect better from you, Black,” said Snape derisively. “Toujours Pur. Pah! Not bloody likely, with you in that lot. You’re blood’s purer than most, yet you sully your name with this filth. No matter, all what you deserve, I should say.”

“Always pure?” asked Sirius incredulously. “Anyways, what are you doing running around spouting off my family motto? Why not just become a bleeding, pure-blooded Black? See how you like it.”

“I would rather not be part of a family that tolerates a disgrace like you,” sneered Snape.

“But you are, aren’t you, Snivellus?” said James quietly. He was leaning back in his chair, his feet up on the oak table, looking relaxed.

“I am what?” Snape asked suspiciously.

“Part of a family that tolerates a disgrace. Like you. I’ve seen your parents, and I’ve seen you. And I’ve seen you together. Not a pretty combination,” hissed James, still angered by Snape’s usage of Maria. That insult was low, below the belt, even.

“Don’t you dare,” Snape cried, reaching out quickly and dragging James up by his collar. James saw Sirius reach for his wand and motioned him off, surprised that Snape was this strong and actually had the courage to stand up for himself. What the hell? He’s never talked back before?

“Don’t I dare what, Snape? Why don’t you get your dirty arse out of here before I dare do anything?”

“One day…one day I’m going to kill you,” Snape hissed venomously. “You’re going to die just like your beloved aunts and uncles and you bitch of a moth--

With identical cries of rage, James and Sirius jumped on Snape, tackling him to the ground. James’s fist just missed contact with his head, but Sirius landed a punch straight onto the git’s hawk-like nose. Snape was muttering something and fiddling with his wand.

“Leave him ALONE! Both of you!” James heard a voice cry behind him. Seconds later, hands were grabbing him and dragging him away from Snape, and he saw that Sirius was suffering the same fate. James tried to take a few more swings at Snape, but his captor was still holding him back. “What were you thinking?” James heard Evans hiss in his ear, before she pushed him slightly to the side.

“Watch out, Potter,” Snape spat, wiping at his split lip and his bloody nose, before shoving Evans out of the way and sweeping out of the library.

“Twenty points from Slytherin for harming another student with a curse of the Dark Arts!” Evans called after him. Out of the corner of his eye, James saw Madame Pince stalking furiously towards them like an overgrown vulture.

“What curse?” James said furiously. Evans looked at him incredulously, then motioned for Remus to let him go. Peter and Sunny let go of Sirius. “No one’s hurt!”

“No one’s hurt? Are you numb to pain or something?” Evans said curiously, just as Madame Pince came over and began shrieking at all of them to leave for destroying the peace of the library.

James was aware of the warm, wet feel of blood trickling slowly down his temple. His fingers flew to his hairline, where there was a gash that ran from above his eye down to his ear. He also felt blood trickling down the side of his calf.

Then it began to hurt.

It was agony, as if salt was being rubbed into his wounds consistently, and James doubled over from the pain of it. Remus bent down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder, looking at him worriedly. James gasped, tried to struggle to his feet, and failed, falling back to the floor.

“A--Aquis V--Vanus!” James heard a squeaky voice say. He supposed it was Peter and it was supposed to help, but it didn’t at all. Nothing happened.

“Aquis Vanus!” James heard Sunny cry, and the burning feeling began to subside. When it had become just a slight sting, James breathed a sigh of relief and tried to get up off the floor. His legs were shaky but with one arm around Remus’s shoulders and the other around Sirius’s, he was able to walk. After they had reached the library doors he had recovered enough to walk by himself.

“Hospital wing, Potter,” said Evans, frowning at him. “You need to get that cut bandaged.”

“And I beed by dose fixed,” said Sirius, and James noticed that he was bleeding profusely, causing him to talk strangely. Remus pulled out his wand and poked at Sirius’s nose and healed it, causing him to wince and curse.

“It’s fine, you bloody prat.” He looked at James. “Get Gauche to look at those.”

“Damn that--” and James let out a long string of profanities that included the use of Snape’s head and a Severing Charm.

“He didn’t even do anything to you,” Evans scolded. “You always attack him for no reason!”

James was about to set her straight, none to gently, but his mouth dropped open when his best friend did it for him. Sirius grabbed Evans’s shoulders hard and swung her around to face him, glaring into her eyes.

“It wasn’t nothing, Lily. You weren’t even there. He insulted James’s mother. We aren’t going to take that lightly.” James shivered. Sirius said it so harshly, in a whisper that chilled him straight to the bone.

“Alright,” said Evans, her voice unnaturally high. “Alright, Sirius. You’re hurting me.”

“Am I?” Sirius asked, his voice strange, but now James could see it too. Sirius was gripping Evans’s shoulders so tightly that there would be bruises forming in the next few minutes. “Am I really hurting you? Then I think we need to reconsider this relationship of ours.”

“Let her go, Sirius,” Sunny said firmly, grabbing his wrist and trying to pull his unyielding hand away.

“Wait,” snapped Sirius. “I want to know, Lily, should we break up?”

“Let her go. Now,” James said, wrenching Sirius’s hands away from Evans with Sunny and Remus’s help. He grabbed Evans around the waist and pulled her backwards.

Sirius finally let go, and his face was going blank, slowly but surely. James stepped up to his friend as Remus, Peter, and Sunny tried to calm Evans, who was looking Sirius with something akin to fear.

“I can’t believe I just did that,” Sirius whispered. “I can’t believe I just physically hurt her.”

“Damn, Sirius. You need to get a grip.” James smiled and raised and eyebrow. “Five more months.”

Sirius frowned. “It’s harder. Now that I actually know her. Know what I mean?”

James didn’t, but he nodded anyway.

“Now, I have to talk to Lily,” Sirius said, gaining some of his composure back.

James looked away as Sirius walked over to the other end of the hall, where Evans was standing by herself, pale and wide-eyed. He stole glances out of the corners of his eyes. Peter was shifting from foot to foot, looking nervous, and Remus was standing off to the side, his head bent as he listened to Sunny. There was a slight frown on his face.

Sirius touched Evans’s cheek and said something to her that James couldn’t hear, and Evans closed her eyes, trembling slightly. She said something back to Sirius and shook her head slowly, grabbing his hand. James watched as Sirius bent down to kiss Evans, and he whirled the moment their lips touched, heading towards the hospital wing. Madam Gauche had him bandaged up in no time, thanks to the spell Peter had known.

…Which was a curious thing. Why did Peter, of all people, know the countercurse to a Dark Arts spell? It was the first thing he asked when he entered the common room and noticed him sitting in a chair near the fire.

“I—I found it in a book when I was in the restricted section,” said Peter.

“Which book?” asked James curiously. That last thing he wanted was one of his best friends dabbling in the Dark Arts, which he hated more than anything.

“Just some book,” said Peter, brushing past him and out of the portrait hole.

September 26, 1977

“You know that concert is tonight, right?” said a voice in James’s ear. He smiled warily as he saw Amy Duncan, his old girlfriend from the beginning of sixth year.

“What concert?” he asked softly. It was a Friday afternoon, and seventh and fifth years were already studying for their N.E.W.Ts and O.W.Ls, respectively.

“Melissa Blackden,” replied Amy, sliding into the chair next to his. She settled back comfortably, as James tensed. He could see Sirius, Remus, and Peter watching curiously from the other side of the room.

James made a decision fast. “Yea, I’ll go. I’ll bring Sirius and Remus and Peter too.”

Something in Amy’s eyes flickered, but it was gone in a moment and James swore he had imagined it. “Interesting. Do you ever think about sixth year, James?”

It took a while for Amy’s words to penetrate his brain, and when they did, he recoiled slightly. That was Amy, straightforward and abrupt. In his opinion, it was her worst character trait, and part of the reason he had broken up with her.

“What?” he hissed softly. “Beg pardon Amy, but that was random as hell. We haven’t talked about sixth year since—“

“Sixth year, yes,” said Amy impatiently. “Yes, I know. And?”

“And what?”

“Do you think about it?”

James shrugged uncomfortably. “Not really.”

“I do. You were my first lover.”

James coughed lightly into his hand to hide his shock at her words. “Er, you were my, um, first lover, er, as well.”

“Right then,” said Amy suddenly, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had descended upon them. “Save a dance for me at that concert,” she ordered, before sweeping off and leaving James dazed.

“Are you done flirting with your ex, Potter?”

James turned with dread and saw Evans in the standard black robes and carrying a thin tome in her right hand.

“Oh, shut up, Evans. What do you want?”

“I found out what curse Snape used on you,” said Evans, her entire aura changing to that of eagerness to share her knowledge.

“Spill,” James told her, motioning to the seat across from his.

“It’s called the Salvanus curse, meaning ‘Salty Wound’ or something to that effect. It’s a very popular Dark Arts spell, and the incantation is: ‘Urere Salvanio’ and then the body part, in Latin, of course”

“Description?” prompted James when she paused.

“Er, it creates a gash along the indicated area of the body, and the pain does not begin until the wounds are acknowledged. Then it feels as if salt is being rubbed into an open cut,” said Evans immediately.

“Vile,” said James, shaking his head in disgust.

“She likes you a lot,” said Evans suddenly.

James was left disoriented from the change in conversation track. “What is it with today? Make James Potter feel Really Uncomfortable Day?”

“Yes,” Evans shot back. “And she really, really, really fancies you, Potter. And Amy Duncan is an amazing girl.” James made a small sound of protest and Evans looked at him with an eyebrow raised. “What? You don’t believe me? Not pretty enough for--”

“Amy isn’t—she’s—too demanding and bossy, and much too dominant,” said James hesitatingly as he saw Sirius, Remus, and Peter begin to walk towards them.

Evans winced. “I’m going to ignore that insinuation about your sex life.”

“What sex life?” said Peter.

“James hasn’t gotten any since Maria Danes,” added Remus.

“And that was a little before the end of sixth year,” finished Sirius.

“Overshare,” muttered Evans.

“Ah, you’ll have to live with it, Lily dear,” said Remus pityingly.

“Oh, shut up.”

“Hey, what was Amy talking to you so much about?” asked Sirius suddenly. “She was my favorite of all your, er, serious girlfriends.”

James stared at him blankly for a moment. “I’ve only had two, you prat.”

“And you slept with both of them,” added in Remus, ever so helpfully.

“Why is that relevant?” James asked, more than a little desperately. His girlfriend experiences had not been pleasant.

“It just is,” said Peter quietly. He hadn’t spoken much throughout the entire conversation.

“Okay, can we please stop talking about Potter’s sex life? Please?” asked Evans exasperatedly.

“Yes,” said James hastily, thankful for the interruption. “Yes, let’s stop. Did you know there’s a concert in Hogsmeade tonight?”

Evans looked at him strangely. “Are you mad? Dumbledore just talked to us about it a few days ago! He said that the seventh years and sixth years were allowed to go!”

James furrowed his brow. “Oh! Now I remember.”

“Helpful, Potter. Very helpful. Did you make an announcement? You agreed to it!”

“EVERYBODY! LISTEN UP!” yelled James suddenly, making Evans jump. “I WANT EVERYONE BUT THE SIXTH AND SEVENTH YEARS OUT OF HERE NOW!”

There was a mad scrambling for the fifth and below years to leave, and Remus told them on the way out to send more sixth and seventh years down from the dorms. James did a quick head count and saw that there were only a few people missing, Maria included.

When everybody they could find was there, James hopped up on a table (with a sharp “Hey!” from Evans) and began to talk. “There’s a Melissa Blackden concert in Hogsmeade. Tonight.” He held up a hand to silence the cheers. “And you can all go, as long as you’re back by midnight,” he added, remembering the terms Dumbledore had discussed at the meeting. “Go, shoo, tell the people in your year who aren’t here!”

There was a mad rush to leave the portrait hole, and James collapsed back down.

“Ugh. Head Boy is a horrible position.”

“Ha!” crowed Sirius.

This woman is good, thought James, as he listened to Melissa Blackden belt out a high note. The stage had been erected on a large field just outside of Hogsmeade, and Blackden was a lone figure in white, surrounded by black. It made her look heavenly.

With a sigh, James looked around, searching for a familiar face. The only person he saw was Peter, and he was trying (and failing) to dance. In order to remove the traumatizing sight from his eyes, James went back to taking in his sad surroundings.

He had already noticed the M.L.E.S. patrolling the field, but he also noticed, with a start, that there were about six, which was a pitifully small number, considering the size of the crowd. It almost made him angry. Voldemort was a serious threat these days, but extra security was apparently not an issue at a concert.

“James!”

Slowly, James turned, dreading what was about to happen, because he had recognized the voice.

“Hello, Amy,” he said through gritted teeth. “Where’s Anabella?” he asked, naming her best friend.

“Oh, dancing with some bloke over there. She didn’t want to come with me,” said Amy, waving a hand in dismissal. “Now, you did save a dance for me, didn’t you?” she asked, as a slow, sensual beat started up.

I wanna hold you forever,

And never let you go.

Let me hold you forever, ba-by.

So we can dance real slow…

Apparently the song was popular, as a loud cheer went up as Blackden sang out the high, soprano notes.

Dance with me tonight,

Uh-uh, lemme hold you tight.

Because this feels oh-so-right

Let’s go, baby.

Amy grabbed James’s hands and pulled him close, pressing her body tightly against his. They began to move, slowly, stiffly.

Touch me there, hear my plea

I wanna have you, here with me,

Rock with me until we’re

Swimming in, ecstasy.

Silence reined for a moment, and James guessed it was a break in the song. Amy pressed herself even closer, awakening desire in the pit of his stomach.

And then it started.

James thought it was part of the song, until the scream was taken up by more people and borne towards him. He wrenched himself away from Amy and whirled, drawing his wand and frantically searching for whatever the problem was.

It was extremely apparent, as the night sky seemed to be going out, the stars disappearing one by one. It became utterly cold, and James knew, without a doubt, that the two renegade dementors were close. Very close.

A scream from the platform, especially shrill, brought him back to earth. Melissa Blackden was surrounded by four men, all in hooded cloaks.

Death Eaters.

It was becoming colder still, and James knew what he would hear. What would be coming towards him, the sound of speeding death…

“Give up!”

“I won’t. I won’t!”

“Then die!”

“NO!” His shout was hoarse, lost among the screams, and suddenly, it went silent, and all James could hear was the sound of his own harsh breathing, before he heard it.

“STUPEFY!”

The jet of red light struck one of the hooded men on the stage, and all Hell broke loose.

“INCENDIO!” someone roared, and James cursed whoever it was as a circle on the ground went up in flames. Smoke clogged the air and made it hard to see immediately.

“STUPEFY!” James roared, pointing his wand at a figure on the platform, Amy forgotten. The Death Eater dodged the beam and cried something, pointing his wand into the crowd.

James watched in horror as a little girl was levitated into the sky before dropping, her body glowing green. It was some sort of variation of the killing curse.

The cold was getting worse and, without thinking, James drew his wand and summoned the happiest thought he could find. “Expecto Patronum!”

A silvery, whooshing mass streamed out of his wand, condensing into the familiar form of a unicorn, before galloping off into the night, driving some of the cold away. He saw two other silvery forms in the dark, but that was all he could make out. The rest was a jumble of multi-colored beams of light mixed with smoke and the sound of screaming. Quickly, before he lost his nerve, he stunned a Death Eater who had apparated a few feet in front of him.

“Impendimentia!” he heard a familiar voice cry, and he whirled, seeing Evans with her wand raised. She looked…strange, with her eyes bright, her hair wild, and a small line of blood on her forehead.

A warrior.

“Potter!” she shouted, stunning a Death Eater on her way to him. “What’s happening?”

“Damned if I know!” he shouted back, ducking a curse and hurling a stunner in the general direction of the attack.

“It’s a madhouse out here! What about the rest of the students?” she asked, drawing up alongside him.

“They’ll have to fend for themselves. Shouldn’t help have come by now?” asked James desperately.

Evans had moved so she was back to back with him, so they protected each other from attacks on the sides they couldn’t see. “I don’t know what happened to Sirius,” she said above the noise.

Something heavy settled in the pit of James’s stomach. If any of them died…he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself.

“Where’s the help?” he asked again.

“Oh, damn, Potter. Look up!”

A large, green dome had dropped down around them, casting everything into an eerie light. James watched with trepidation as someone ran into the dome.

He crumpled, dead, to the ground.

“Oh, god,” Evans choked out behind James.

“It’s—a wall made of the killing curse,” James whispered in terror.

After at least more than three people had run into the shimmering wall of green light and fell to the ground, the rest of the crowd got the message.

“That’s where the help is,” Evans said, her voice shaking, pointing to the wall of green light. If James squinted, he could just make out the shapes of people outside the green dome.

They were all trapped, then, like rats, James thought as he began shivering with cold.

The cursing and hexing and jinxing had stopped for a moment as the dome descended, but now they began again in earnest, flying through the air and striking people who were unawares. He heard the killing curse and the sound of speeding, rushing death, saw flashes of green…

“JAMES!” a loud scream brought James’s attention to the side, where a Dementor was leaning over Amy, pulling down its hood to reveal the scabbed skin and the gaping, sucking mouth…

“Expecto Patronum!” he heard to his side, and saw that Evans was valiantly trying to conjure a Patronus to help Amy. All she could produce however, was a shimmering silver vapor that hovered in front of her.

James began to run towards Amy, summoning a happy thought and conjuring his Patronus. It galloped straight for the Dementor and drove it away from Amy, who staggered to her feet and swayed. James quickly grabbed her hand and pulled her backwards, running as far as he could in the opposite direction the dark creature had taken.

“Potter! I’m going to go try to find the others,” Evans panted to him, running off, her hair flying brightly behind her.

“Okay then,” said James, a bit weakly, letting go of Amy’s arm.

“Thank you, oh, god, thank you James! I tried, I really tried, but nothing could make it go away,” sobbed Amy. “I need to tell you something, James,” she continued as a curse flew over their heads. “I need to tell you that—“

“ENOUGH!” a voice roared from within the dome. A deep, deep voice the reverberated within the space for an eternity of time. Amy stopped speaking and her head turned to the side. James turned too, and the sight that greeted him made him feel sick to his stomach.

He stood on the platform, the dying colors of curses flying the background as one by one, they stopped and every eye was trained on the imposing figure in long, darl robes.

“Accio!” the Dark Lord, Voldemort, cried, and a small child flew into his arms. She immediately began to cry piteously.

“Where are they?” Voldemort asked in a hiss. “James Potter and Lily Evans. Where are they?”

James shock at hearing his own name was shaken off as Amy gave a loud sob. James told her to hush.

Voldemort’s head swiveled slowly until he caught sight of James and Amy, crouching together on the ground.

“I had wondered if you and Evans would come, Potter. And alas, here you are, at least one of you, and you shall come up here or be the reason this little brat dies. Which shall it be Potter, your life or hers?”

Sick bastard.

“Come up and play, Potter and Evans.”

James saw her hair across the crowd and caught her eyes. Evans’s green were wide and fearful, yet the look of her face was resigned.

Slowly, they began moving towards the platform, James wrenching his hand out of Amy’s tight grasp. He knew that they would have gone anyways, to save everyone, but it still hung as a dark cloud around them that they were sacrificing themselves.

They both reached the stairs at either end of the platform at the same times and began to ascend them, their eyes still locked. It was utterly silent within the dome and James wondered why no one was cursing the Dark Lord to help them. Either the people of the crowd were incredibly selfish and didn’t want to be killed themselves, or they didn’t want to hurt the little girl. For the sake of humanity, James hoped it was the latter, and not the former.

“Good children,” Voldemort said loudly, handing them a small scrap of leather.

A portkey.

Nothing happened for a moment until James tried to let go of the portkey, and it wouldn’t pull away from his hand. Voldemort saw this and pulled his wand out.

“Avada Kedavra,” said the evil wizard, almost lazily, pointing his wand at the child, who let out a small sob before falling to the ground. Several shocked gasps went up from the crowd, and Evans made to break away from the portkey, but couldn’t.

“A minute and thirty seconds.” Voldermort raised a careless hand and waved it at the crowd. “You may resume your battle,” he said idly, putting up a shield to protect the three on the platform. Immediately jets of light began to fly through the air, bouncing off the shield and hitting someone in the crowd occasionally.

“One minute.”

This is it.

“Fifty-nine seconds.”

Should I tell her?

“Fifty seconds.”

“Lily—“

“James—“

He looked at her in shock. She’d never said his name before. Not just his given name. It had either been ‘Potter’ or ‘James Potter’. It sounded disturbingly right coming from her mouth.

“Forty seconds.”

I can’t.

“Thirty-three seconds.”

I won’t.

“I’m scared,” she whispered softly.

“Twenty seconds.”

“Me too,” James replied, almost reaching for her hand. He pulled back at the last moment.

“Ten.”

Nine.

“Eight.”

The shield around them retracted slowly, and the blue light faded from around them.

“Six.”

I’m not even that scared.

“Four.”

“James! James! I love you!”

He whirled as fast as he could to see Amy rushing towards the platform, her golden hair flying behind her in the wind.

“Two.”

“Don’t go, James,” his old girlfriend called out to his shocked face. “I love you!”

“Avada Kedavra.”

And the wind began, the rushing sound filled his ears and he felt the hook behind his navel wrench him into the air. All he saw was the flash of emerald green light as it rushed towards Amy, pushing the life out of her and making her fall, lifeless, to the ground.

Goodbye.

6. Chapter Five: Hope

I own nothing.

Chapter 5: Hope

[Only Hope, by Switchfoot, sung by Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember]

September 27, 1977

Ow.

Pain was constant, having been her companion for the past hour and a half. She and Potter had landed in a pile of rubble and Lily had fallen, twisted her ankle, and was now propped up against the wall watching Potter shiver.

Occasionally he would let out a small sound, something like a whimper that tore at her heart. There was no denying it, Amy Duncan was dead, and if Lily knew the slightest thing about the boy—no, the man, she could hardly call him a boy now—across for her, it was that he would blame himself no matter what.

The cell was old fashioned, like something out of the Medieval era, with crumbling mortar and rusty bars. Had they not also been held captive by magic, Lily was certain they would have escaped in a heartbeat. But upon entering the cell, the first thing Potter had done was lob a rock at the bars.

It lay on the floor.

In a pile of dust.

“Po--James?” She forced herself to say it. It wasn’t even that hard.

This time, instead of ignoring her, he looked up, his eyes red with unshed, furious tears. “What?”

“Are you okay?”

Mutely, he shook his head, swallowing hard. “No,” he whispered, his voice cracking and making it seem like two syllables.

“Me neither,” Lily whispered back.

The screeching of rusty hinges brought their attention to a door, where they saw a hooded, masked figure raising his wand.

“You’re to come with me, Potter.”

There was something oddly familiar about that voice, Lily thought. Someone she had definitely talked to. She was brought back from her musings by Potter’s voice.

“Why?”

“Because the Dark Lord requests your presence.”

“Fuck the Dark Lord. Say his name. Volde--”

“Crucio!”

Potter fell to the floor and opened his mouth in a soundless scream, writhing in agony as the pain washed over him. Lily reached out a hand to him, knowing the gesture was futile but not caring.

The Death Eater finally lifted his wand and Potter relaxed, twitching slightly.

“And that’s just a little taste of what you’ll be getting,” he hissed softly, pulling Potter up by the neck of his robes and hauling him out of the cell. Lily looked after them, hardly believing that Potter was just—gone.

I might never see him again, said a detached part of her mind, almost half and hour later. Strangely, this thought didn’t register in her mind until she heard footsteps approaching the cell. It hit her in full force that she hadn’t said goodbye, and if she ever saw Sirius again she wouldn’t be able to tell him what Potter’s last words were.

“Ow,” said a voice from just inside the cell door, and she looked up to see Potter thrown in, rubbing his arm where he’d fallen on it and wincing.

“You’re alive?” she gasped, staring at him in bewilderment.

Potter opened his mouth to say something and closed it again. A soft, soft hissing noise was becoming louder and louder, heading down the corridor to their cell.

“He’s coming,” Potter whispered, scrambling into the cell and standing in front of her. Lily struggled to her feet behind him, irked that he thought he had to protect her.

“The Potters,” said Voldemort’s hissing voice. “have always died nobly. You two shall be the exception.” He twirled a wand in his hands, almost as if he was bored with the events.

“She’s not a Potter,” said Potter weakly, as if it was the only thing he could think of to say.

Voldemort just smirked in a way that made Lily feel sick. “Legilimens!”

Potter clutched at his head and dropped to his knees, mumbling phrases that Lily, even though she was right behind him, couldn’t make out. She stared at his bent head for what seemed like and age before Potter stiffened and threw his head back, inhaling as if he had never breathed before.

“Impressive,” said Voldemort softly. “Very impressive.” His eyes snapped to Lily and something akin to dread filled her. “Are you so strong, girl? Legilimens!”

She was in the dark…she was opening her Hogwarts letter…she was listening to Petunia’s taunting voice as she called her a freak…she was under the sorting hat, being told she would be famous one day…she was screaming at Potter for attacking Snape… she was watching Potter play Quidditch and wink at her as he caught the Snitch…she was being asked out by Sirius…she was watching as Sirius came closer and closer, whispering words to her she couldn’t make out, leaning into her, kissing her, blowing her mind away…she was hearing her sister telling her to get lost…she was falling over the ledge…

“No!” she choked out, reaching in front of her and grabbing Potter’s robes, clenching them in her fists as Voldemort lifted the spell.

“I have always regarded Muggles with contempt. They are undoubtedly stupid creatures, and a pitiful waste of humanity. But—may I tell you a secret?”

Lily shuddered. She knew that Voldemort would tell them his “secret” whether they wanted to hear it or not.

“I secretly admire their inherent ease at spreading hate and discord among their kind. They hate their own kind as much as I hate them. But—they do come up with the most ingenious inventions.” He flicked his hands and Lily realized with horror that it was not a wand he was holding, but a Muggle whip.

“I had this made especially for this purpose. It is not a mere Muggle whip though.” He drew out a dark wand from his robes and waved it over the whip. Immediately, sharp, ridged spikes emerged from the polished leather. If Lily hadn’t known what they were, she would have thought them the teeth of some great monster. “Now, normally I would have one of my faithful servants use such a tool, but this punishment is one I have been waiting a long time to give, personally. Incendio Togus,” he said, pointing his wand at Potter. Lily shrieked as his shirt and robes began to burn off in green fire, and stared in shock as his skin was not burned.

“Accio,” hissed Voldemort, and Potter slid across the room to rest and Voldemort’s feet. Lily caught sight of his face and saw that he looked absolutely blank. There was no expression on his face, none whatsoever.

Voldemort raised the whip above his head and Lily shut her eyes, knowing what was coming.

“Imperio,” she heard. Open your eyes, Lily Evans.

Why ever would I do that?

Open your eyes, Lily.

No thanks.

OPEN YOUR EYES!

NO!

The rushing sound of a whip and the crack of leather against skin made her eyes fly open of their own accord. She made a small sound of sorrow as Potter screamed.

“Tell me everything you know about Dumbledore’s plans,” Voldemort hissed.

“Leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone…” Lily chanted softly. Leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone…

“Nothing. I don’t know anything!”

“You must know something, you’re his favorite. His pet. Tell ME!”

“NO!”

“Then suffer the consequences! Sensitivus!”

There was pause and Lily’s eyes flew between the two men. She opened her mouth in horror. The Sensitivity Charm…

“Crucio!”

“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Lily screamed, running towards Voldemort and trying to harm him in any way possible. She slammed against an invisible wall two feet from him and beat her hands helplessly against it. “LEAVE HIM ALONE!”

Voldemort lifted his wand and Potter’s cries stopped. The evil wizard regarded Lily with infuriating amusement and a cold smile that made her blood boil.

“How touching,” the Dark Lord remarked with a smirk that scared Lily out of her wits. Voldemort sighed. “Although, I had expected no less from the pair of you.”

“What do you mean?” said Lily in an unnaturally high voice.

Voldemort was silent for a moment, and if Lily thought it possible, he would have had a slightly surprised look on his face. But his red, catlike eyes and skeletal face did not allow for such a look. Slowly, a smile overtook his face, one that was almost gleeful. “I bid you adieu.”

And with that he left them.

As soon as he was out of sight Lily dropped to her knees and looked at Potter. His back was a mass of bloody welts, and somewhere along the line, probably when he had hit his head on the floor; a lump was forming on his forehead. His eyes were glazed and half open, and for all the world he looked dead. Lily would have thought him dead had it not been for the rising and falling of his chest.

“Mum?” he asked softly, his voice hoarse from his screams.

“N—yes,” said Lily soothingly. “It—it’s me.”

“I had the strangest dream that you were dead,” he croaked, trying to raise himself into a sitting position.

When she had been a child, Lily had often played house with her older sister, Petunia. Petunia had always been the mother, and Lily had always been the child, and was happy to do so. She had never once had the urge to play mother. Strangely, looking at the boy who had grown up without a mother for almost all of his life, she wanted to comfort him. She wanted to show him what a mother’s affection really was.

Now, that was all very nice, but how the hell would she do that?

“Daddy loves you mo--” Potter coughed up some blood and Lily stared in horror. “Daddy loves you more than her.”

“Her?” asked Lily, her curiosity getting the better of her.

“Mrs. Potter the second…Evelyn,” rasped Potter, as if she was stupid. “Are you sure you aren’t a ghost? Because I—I saw him kill you.”

To distract him from that rather disconcerting track of conversation, she continued asking questions about Evelyn. “But—but everyone thinks you don’t have a mother. So what about Evelyn?”

“She’s okay. We’re close. She really likes Sirius, too. She invites him over for tea all the time just like you used to—but I can’t—he loves you more.”

“Why? I thought you said she was a wonderful woman.”

“She has a daughter, not dad’s, but she wants dad to love Emily as his own. She thinks he can’t do that with me around. But he adores Emily, even more than Evelyn. Even—even more than me, because—because he says that the way I act reminds him of—of you…”

Lily had never seen a boy—man—cry until now, and the experience was slightly scary. James wasn’t sobbing, but tears were running steadily down his cheeks and onto the floor.

“You’re dead,” he said. Lily fought down panic. He was delirious. He was carrying on a normal conversation with her as if everything was perfectly fine. “Did you know that Lily Evans has the prettiest red hair? And I seriously thought she was you when I first saw her, aside from the height. I mean she really was a midget back then….”

Lily fought down the urge to slap him for that and hesitantly stroked his hair as his face contorted in pain. He calmed slightly, but not enough for her liking.

Potter missing his dead mother made her remember her favorite poem, the one she wanted put on her tombstone when she died. She had had it on a sheet of paper, one that was so tattered it was about to fall apart, when one day Petunia had ripped to pieces in a fit of rage. Lily had cried over the chance that she had never gotten to copy it over when she’d realized that she knew the words by heart.

She scooted forward and gently eased his head onto her lap, continuing to stroke his hair. His breathing grew heavy and easy, his eyes closed in the manner of a person about to drift off to sleep.

And slowly, Lily began to sing.

Her voice was not good. In fact, if she had been singing above a whisper she would have hurt her own ears. But it would do.

“Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am the thousand winds that blow;

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on the ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

of the quite birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there, I do not sleep.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there. I did not die.”

She stumbled over the words as it wasn’t really a song and she’d had to make up the tune as she went along, but the words seemed to calm Potter infinitely. He looked for all the world as if he was asleep.

And something shifted. It was as if a piece had fallen into place in a jigsaw puzzle. She couldn’t explain it but he was suddenly James, and rightfully so. She couldn’t look at him, prostate on the floor and calling for his mother, and not feel compassion. She couldn’t call him Potter in disdain when he looked so…stripped. If Lily had not known better about what else was out in the world, she would have been content to stay in that cell with James Potter, oblivious to anything. But she did not get her chance to finish these musings as footsteps sounded in the hall. It was ridiculous, but she swore the footsteps sounded ominous.

The door to their cell slammed open and Lily jumped up. A split second later she realized that James’s head would hit the floor, but when she looked down he was on his hands and knees, glaring at the door, his eyes clear of their previous glaze.

“You!” he spat viciously, prompting Lily to look up.

Lucius Malfoy stood in the doorway, trademark smile firmly in place. “I was in your territory that first day on the train, but now you’re in my territory. And I’m going to enjoy it until you die like the pathetic sod that you are.”

Lily felt nauseous as the man, almost six years older than herself, stepped into the room. She couldn’t believe anyone could be corrupted so quickly, as everything she’d heard told her it took a long time to get into Voldemort’s good graces. Every rumor she had heard placed him at the top of Voldemort list of supporters and Death Eaters.

“Your mother was beautiful, Potter,” said Malfoy idly as he wrinkled his nose at the grimy cell. “My father could see it, and even I could, for all that she was a Mudblood. Evans resembles her slightly with the hair. I’m sure that’s why you’re drawn to her.”

“You sick bastard,” James said, almost shaking with rage. He didn’t comment on Malfoy’s other remark.

Malfoy sighed. “If my Master had not killed her so soon, I’m sure my father and I would have had our way with her at some point or another.”

“I’m going to fucking strangle you with my bare hands!” shouted James, struggling to his feet. As much as Lily wanted to see Malfoy pounded into a pulp, she knew James was in no condition to do the pounding. So she grabbed his arm and, gently, avoiding the bruises, and pulled him to her side.

“Don’t.”

“But he—“

“Don’t!” she whispered, fiercer this time.

“You argue like a bloody married couple,” said Malfoy wryly.

This statement shocked them into silence.

“Come, Evans.”

“Excuse me?” she said softly.

“The Dark Lord has decided to reward me for my good service.”

Lily still didn’t understand what Malfoy was getting at. Apparently James did, because he stiffened and put both of his hands on Lily’s waist, pulling her tighter against him. “I don’t under—“

“I’m sure those robes of yours are covering quite a lovely figure. Now come – with – me!”

Lily recoiled and pressed herself back against James, who slowly backed away.

“Oh this is rich. I was under the impression that you hated each other.”

“Are you fucking serious? Do you think that just because I hate her that I’m going to let you rape her?” James repeated.

“Yes,” said Malfoy coldly.

“You’re a bloody monster! You’re mad, crazy! Nutters!”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Just shut up! You aren’t taking her!”

“And how are you going to stop me, Potter?”

James opened his mouth to say something, Lily felt his breath on her ear increase, but then he closed it and shook his head. “I can’t,” he whispered hoarsely. “I can’t,” he said again, leaning his head against her shoulder. Lily was shocked to feel the heat of his skin against her bare shoulder and she jumped slightly, before realizing that her robes were ripped through to her skin.

Malfoy strode forward and grabbed Lily’s arm. She let out a strange sounding whimper as James dug his hands into her waist and held.

But with a mighty wrench, Malfoy pulled her from James’s grasp and she stumbled forward, into his arms. He held her so tightly that she felt she was suffocating, and she didn’t even want to know where his hand was going.

“I—I’ll tell him anything he wants to know,” James said desperately. “Anything! Just don’t—don’t take her!”

“Well, let me think about this for a moment,” Malfoy said, mock-thoughtfully. “Do I get the mudblood or do you tell my Master false information?”

“I—“

“Stop arguing with me!” the other man cried. Suddenly, Malfoy smirked. “Yes, I think I’ll let you say goodbye…I’ll be back after I—prepare. I think that the best way to do this would be in front of Potter.”

And with a wave of Malfoy’s wand, James flew back against the wall and knocked his head against it, before manacles snapped into place around his hands. Malfoy left the room and Lily all but flew to James’s side, dropping on her knees next to him for the second time that day.

“I won’t be able to stop him, Lily,” James said quietly, dropping his head back, and Lily was struck by how soap-operaish this was.

“I know,” she whispered. “I know you tried, I just don’t want you to—to have to see.”

James shuddered.

The click of the door being unlocked brought their attention to the creaky wood that blocked their escape. To their surprise, it swung open and no one entered.

“Malfoy?” Lily called.

No response. Lily got up and walked hesitantly out into the hall, and saw that there was no one there.

But her wand and another she recognized as James’s were in front of the cell door, along with a grimy piece of paper.

You’re Welcome.

That was all it said.

“Someone’s—someone’s letting us escape, James!” She grabbed her wand excitedly and removed James’s manacles, before throwing him his wand. He stared at it for a second as if he didn’t know what to do with it.

“Seriously?”

“Yes! Come on, let’s go!” She rushed over to him and helped him to his feet. He could walk fine, but if he stretched the muscles in his back at all he flinched and let out a nasty sounding hiss.

They crept along the empty corridor, hardly daring to believe their luck.

“Who do you think let us out?” Lily asked James.

“I don’t know, Evans,” he murmured.

“You could use my first—“

CRASH!

She had walked straight into a suit of armor that had no business being in her way in the first place. But it had been and now the pair of them had to deal with the group of three Death Eaters running towards them.

“Stupefy!” James shouted, hitting one of the Death Eaters square in the chest.

Lily drew out her wand and prepared to cast a disarming charm but she found herself looking straight down the length of a wand. Malfoy leered at her and Lily saw James punch the second Death Eater over the blond man’s shoulder. Apparently James favored brute force over spells. Somehow that thought was comforting. “Stupefy!” Malfoy said aloud, just as James turned to look at Lily.

Then everything went black.

October 1, 1977

Lily awoke five days later with a scream of terror.

Sirius, Remus, Sunny, and Peter, who surrounded her bed, all jumped, and Sirius swore viciously. Sunny looked at him reproachfully and Sirius blushed. “What? Reflex reaction!”

Sunny shook her head before looking down at her friend. “Are you okay Lily?”

“I’m fine,” said Lily impatiently. “Is—is…James okay?”

At this, her five friends exchanged dark looks. “He’s fine,” said Remus. “But…”

“But Guache won’t let any of us near him,” continued Sirius.

“She thinks we’ll disturb the peace,” added in Peter.

“And imagine! McGonagall agrees!” finished Sirius.

Lily looked between them and shook her head before turning to Sunny, who had watched the exchange with amusement. “Is James okay?”

Sunny took a deep breath. “He’s…asleep. Basically. Gauche says he’ll wake up tomorrow. He has some sort of reaction to blood restorative potions, so he got knocked out. Nothing really harmful. She says…she says that the welts on his back will completely heal except for the one that cuts from his shoulder to his hip. Something like that.”

“Which one? There were ten like that,” Lily said darkly. Sirius winced at the thought of his friend’s bare, bloody back.

“Lily, Gauche was going to come in here and do…an examination on you,” said Remus carefully.

“What type of examination?”

“Uh, to see if you had been…violated,” said Peter, when no one else offered an answer.

“But we told her to wait until you woke up,” said Sunny hastily, seeing the expression on Lily’s face.

“Thank you,” she said gratefully, falling back against her pillows.

“Well…were you?” asked Sirius impatiently.

Lily sighed, her eyes going out of focus as the thought brought back painful memories. “Malfoy was going to, and James tried to stop him, but…he was too….” She shook herself. “Malfoy didn’t. Nobody did.”

“And then?” asked Peter eagerly.

“Someone opened the cell door,” said Lily simply. “How did we get back here?”

“James was carrying you, and he was so weak he could barely stand himself. He had bruises all over his chest,” answered Sunny.

“He must have gotten them after I was stunned,” said Lily musingly.

“Probably,” said Sirius.

“And…the concert? How many died?”

Sirius sighed and dropped into one of the chairs. Peter dropped into the next, and Sunny pushed Remus down into the last. Lily noticed that Remus did look extremely ragged around the edges, and Sunny was right to let him sit. What she didn’t expect was for Sunny to sit in Remus’s lap. Apparently they had let their flirting develop into something more.

“Amy Duncan and a girl named Sylvia Dalen. There were also five or six who ran into the dome, but I don’t know their names. A lot more, I suppose. And…and the girl Voldemort killed on the platform,” offered Sirius.

“You mean the one James and I let die?” asked Lily acidly.

“Hey!” said Sunny. “Stop it! None of it was your fault.”

“Tell that to James.” Peter said quietly. “He—he’s going to blame himself for Amy…dying.”

“I know,” sighed Sirius. Lily noticed he had been doing a lot of sighing.

“Any students?” asked Lily.

“No,” answered Remus. “A lot were in the hospital wing for a day or so, but it’s mostly broken bones and nasty cuts. Nothing fatal. I think—I think the attack was just to distract everyone, Voldemort’s idea of a sick joke.”

“Sick is right,” remarked Lily softly.

“James—James did wake up, guys.”

Everyone swiveled their heads to look at Sirius.

“Oh? And when did this happen?” asked Remus quietly, in a voice that didn’t bode well.

“Last night.”

“And you didn’t tell us you took the—I mean, that you went out to see him? We all could have gone!” exploded Remus.

Lily opened her mouth to ask what Sirius had taken, but closed it. She knew she would never get a straight answer. Everything was such a mystery, and always had been.

“Well, I just—“

“Leave him alone,” said Lily. She’s been saying that much too often. “Just—what happened?”

“He said some strange things,” answered Sirius. “He—he said something about a dream about his mother, and how he talked to her about the new Mrs. Potter.”

“I thought James’s mother was dead,” said Sunny.

“His father remarried,” said Lily, without thinking.

“And how would you know that?” asked Sirius curiously. His eyes widened as he realized.

“He was talking about you! Oh, Lily, that’s low! He was half-asleep, and you pried out gossip!”

“I was just trying to keep his mind off the pain,” said Lily defensively. “I couldn’t help it if he rambled about Evelyn and Emily and all the rest!”

“Evelyn? Emily? I’m lost,” said Sunny. No one answered her questions.

“Did you sing to him?” Sirius demanded of Lily.

“That’s ridiculous! Lily can’t sing!” put in Sunny with a laugh. She stopped when she saw the expression on Lily’s face. “Well…she’s okay—I mean—”

Lily wasn’t placated by this. “I—I sang a poem that I thought was—fitting. I don’t even remember what tune I used, something I made up out of my head. I didn’t even sing it loudly!”

“What poem?” queried Remus.

Lily sighed and began to recite:

“Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am the thousand winds that blow;

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on the ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

of the quite birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there, I do not sleep.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there. I did not die.”

“That’s—that’s really pretty,” said Peter.

“Are—are you gay? Pretty?” said Sirius. “I can see why it would placate James, but I think it’s a load of rubbish. Once you’re dead, you’re dead!”

For once in her life Lily might have actually hit Sirius, if she was strong enough. But she didn’t have the physical strength so she settled for a glare instead.

And Sirius didn’t notice, because he wasn’t looking at her. He was staring at the curtained-off section of the ward, where Lily assumed James was. She wanted to slap Sirius and say, “Hello, remember me, your girlfriend?”

But of course she didn’t.

“Listen, I want to get out of here,” said Lily urgently.

An hour later, and after much pleading and pouting from Sirius in Poppy Gauche’s direction, Lily was released with the warning that she took it easy. Pretending to heed the warning, Lily rushed out and could be found on the Quidditch pitch, flying back and forth furiously.

The next day, surprisingly true to Guache’s word, James was awake.

Lily did not go in to see him.

They never spoke of their captivity.

October 7, 1977

Hogsmeade visits had, obviously, been cancelled, after a barrage or angry owls had reached the school. Nobody had been pulled out yet, but rumors were flying thick in the air, and nobody was putting a stop to them.

One night, Lily was brushing her hair when she became aware of a sobbing sound. Quickly, thinking it might be someone in trouble, most probably a first year; she hurried out of her dormitory and down the steps.

The sight in the common room caused her to stop. Anabella Figg was sitting on a couch near the fireplace, crying her eyes out. Most surprisingly was her companion, who was patting her back and handing her tissues, wiping away tears.

James Potter.

Lily had never seen him so compassionate towards someone, and she settled down to watch, ignoring the twinge of guilt she felt in her gut.

“It’s not fair, James!” Anabella sniffled. Her beautiful black hair was matted and her ice-blue eyes were red-rimmed. Still, she looked gorgeous. She always looked gorgeous. “She—she was my best friend, and now she just—she’s just dead!”

“Do you want to talk about it?” James asked, and Lily thought it to be a stupid question.

“I already am talking about it, you sodding git!” Anabella cried.

I like this girl, Lily thought, grinning. She quickly sobered at Anabella’s next words.

“I’m not going to be able to go to her funeral,” she said with a sob. James looked a little horrorstruck, as if this was not something a girl should be dealing with, but seemed to shake it off.

“I’m sure that the Headmaster will let you go, if we put it to him right. It isn’t right for you to lose a friend, when you’re seventeen. It wasn’t right for Amy’s life to be cut short like this. You deserve to be able to say good-bye.”

“I’m scared James,” Anabella said, lifting her head. “I’m scared that I won’t have any friends. I never made friends in my dorm besides Amy. Lily and Sunny are so close, they won’t exactly welcome me, and Clara hates me ever since Mundungus Fletcher left her for me, besides the fact that he’s back together with her now. . .even though the stars say it won’t work out. He is after all, out of school, while she’s stuck here. . .”

Lily snorted softly. Anabella Figg and her Divination junk.

“Don’t worry, Anabella. If you don’t make friends, you can be friends with us. I mean me and Sirius and Remus and Peter,” James said. Anabella shook her head.

“But they won’t want me to tag along.”

“Er…they won’t mind. You’re a great girl and I’m sure they’d be glad to have you along as a friend.”

Idiot. As if that’s going to work.

“You aren’t trying to sweet talk me and get me into bed, are you, James?” Anabella asked.

“No! I just know that you could be a really good friend. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here,” James told her, and Anabella got up.

“Thank you, James. I’ll do that. But—call me Bella. Or Belle.”

“You have a nice name. Anabella.”

Anabella smiled ruefully. “Named after my mother. Her name’s Arabella. See you later, James.”

Lily realized Anabella would be coming up the steps and scrambled back into the dorm, pondering what she had just seen.

That night, she went to the Heads’ rooms for a bath. The water was warm and bubbly, and she didn’t think there was anything more relaxing. As she sat in the swimming-pool sized tub, she contemplated what she had seen Anabella and James talking about. Biting her lip, she wondered if perhaps she could try to get to know Anabella. From the statement she had made in the common room about James being a sodding git, Lily thought she would like her. It’s settled, then, she thought. I’m going to try to be friends with Anabella.

She toweled herself off with the fluffy white towels on the stand and pulled on a nightgown with a dressing robe after she had begun to prune, and walked out into the halls, brushing her wet hair as she went. She stopped to look out the window, seeing that the moon was full tonight. Lily scanned the grounds and her eyes froze when she saw the Whomping Willow abruptly stop moving, and then start moving again. Nothing happened, so she shook it off and continued down the hall to Gryffindor Tower.

Sirius, Remus, and Peter were nowhere to be found, so she assumed James was with them. She had been hoping to “talk” with Sirius, or, as her friends would say, “snog”, but she guessed that would have to wait. She entered to dorm to find Sunny sitting on her bed reading a copy of Witch Weekly, and Anabella staring at something, which Lily realized was a picture frame. She saw that all the other girls were dressed for bed, and looked at the clock, startled to see that it was a few hours later than she thought. She must have really taken time in the bath.

Lily strode over to Anabella’s bed and sat gently on the side, smiling at her. Anabella looked up and raised an eyebrow, and quickly set the picture frame down. Lily saw it was a Muggle one, a picture of Anabella and Amy eating lunch at some café.

“Look, Anabella. I’m very sorry for your loss…and I know we didn’t really know Amy. But—I really thought she was a wonderful person, and I—I don’t want you to feel alone, because you—you’re really nice…” Lily trailed off, breathing heavily, and saw all the girls looking at her in shock from their beds, especially Anabella. Lily felt color rising in her cheeks, and thought, Maybe this isn’t such a great idea after all. . .

But Anabella was smiling sardonically.

“What?” Lily asked.

“I’ve never—I mean, I always thought what you just said, no one really knew Amy, their mourning is just a ruse. It isn’t right, and I—I really would like to be friends now. That is, if you’ll have me?” Anabella said, her voice strong. Lily was really starting to like her. She was holding herself up rather well.

“Oh, Anabella,” Sunny said, getting up and coming over to sit on the bed. “Of course we don’t mind.”

“Anabella—“ Lily began, but Anabella held up a hand.

“Call me Bella, or Belle, or Ani, even Ana, but do not call me Anabella, I hate the name.”

“Sounds like some exotic fruit,” Sunny said, and Lily and Anabella laughed.

“Alright,” Lily said. “It’s settled. So you don’t have to hang out with James and Sirius and the rest of the gits.” Lily colored as Anabella looked at her shrewdly. “I mean—I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but I just…” She trailed off.

Anabella stared at her, and Lily was afraid she would get mad. Suddenly, Bella threw back her head and laughed. “You really don’t like him, do you?”

Lily hesitated, and then shook her head. “He’s selfish, inconsiderate, probably a player, immature, arrogant, he’s got no respect, doesn’t even bother to think about how other may feel before he does something—“

“Not really, Lily,” Sunny said suddenly, and the other two girls looked at her quizzically. “I mean it, you’re wrong.”

“What are you talking about, Sunny?” Lily asked, bewildered.

“I mean, he’s not as bad as you think. He’s grown up a lot since last year. I mean, you have to admit, Snape was never very nice to him either…”

“And--?” Lily asked.

“Have you ever wondered why Peter Pettigrew is a Marauder?” Sunny asked. Bella and Lily looked at each other.

“Well,” Bella said slowly, “I have. I mean, he’s not at all like the others.” The other girls dropped nodded. “Even though he’s part of the group he doesn’t…fit in…but he’s still a bit cowardly, and a little short, doesn’t seem to have a mind of his own. And his pointy noise is annoying. Maybe a Hufflepuff would like him, but compared to the others? Nah, he’s nothing special.”

Lily nodded, but turned to Sunny. “What does this have to do with James?”

“Well,” Sunny said, smiling slyly, and getting up to pick up something from her bed table, which Lily recognized as a tape recorder. “I’ve been meaning to show you this. I found it in my trunk over the summer hols. Remember when I was obsessed with finding a way to make Muggle devices work around Hogwarts? Well, I saved one of my…experiments.” She hit a button, and James’s voice began to play back to them.

“We’re going to live with Peter for seven years. How would you like to be excluded from the lives of you dorm mates, who are all best friends, for seven years? Either he’s a Marauder, or I’m not joining,” came James’s voice.

“Here’s the part I don’t get,” Sunny whispered.

“Will you still be there for the transformations, though?” Sirius asked James.

“Yes. If we ever get up to that level.” There was a muffled thump, as if someone had dropped down onto a sofa.

After a while…

“But Prongs…he’s whiny and annoying and I don’t like him!”

“Deal with it, Sirius,” James said firmly, and the girls heard a sigh of defeat.

“I don’t see why you’re so adamant about this, James.”

James gave a short bark of laughter. “I told you already. If you have any heart at all, we won’t exclude Peter.”

“Then he’ll have to start the training for him do we can go with Moony and he can come too. It’s three nights, there’s no way on earth we’ll be able to leave without him for three nights. He’ll notice. And do you think he’ll even be ready by to start by next year? Or third? I don’t think so. I mean, maybe we’ll be able to start in second year, but Peter? He’s not very good at Transfiguration.” There was a sigh. “I guess that we’ll just have to wait for him to catch up, then we’ll have to go with you Remus,” Sirius said grumpily.

“Thank you,” Remus said, and the girls were surprised to hear him. He sounded choked up, as if he was trying to hold tears in. “Thank you so much, I couldn’t have better friends. The pain you must have to go through….”

Sirius snorted. “Nonsense, Remus old boy, the pain you go through is even worse than anything, so don’t even start. We’re your friends, and there’s no way on earth we’re going to let you go through more than one transformation we have to alone.”

The sound cut off into static. “When was this?” Bella asked.

“I don’t remember, early on though, He says ‘the next seven years’,” said Sunny. “I forgot about it, but I guess I found it when I was clearing up my trunk.”

“What the hell is this thing?” Lily asked, looking at the small Muggle recorder most of the paparazzi used.

“Well, I took out the batteries and charmed it,” Sunny said sheepishly.

“Be glad the Head Girl is your friend,” Lily said fondly, looking at her friend and shaking her head, a slight smile on her face.

“I am,” said Sunny, and she sounded glad too. “But has your opinion of James changed at all?”

“I—I don’t know.”

“And when you were imprisoned together? What then?” asked Anabella.

Lily’s eyes darkened. “Not much happened. It’s just—when things get serious, we have to—we have to put petty differences aside, don’t you think? That’s what happened on the train with the Dementors.”

And then she had to explain the entire story to Anabella, who hadn’t heard it. By the time she finished, Sunny was asleep and it was half-past eleven. “I’ll be right back,” she whispered to Ana, who yawned and climbed into bed. The other girl was asleep before Lily reached the door, her pace relaxed and easy.

But inside, her mind was working furiously. She left Bella and Sunny to sleep and walked back into the common room, sitting in front of the fire to think.

Remus Lupin…what type of transformation did he go through that lasted three nights…Lily shook her head, nothing was coming to her. She got up and walked around, banking the fire some more, straightening cushions, dusting off the window and glancing outside at the moon...

She stared at it for a moment, wondering what secrets its surface held. Was there really a man up there? She doubted it.

And she knew she would never find out.

Suddenly and overwhelming feeling of hopelessness invaded Lily’s senses. She felt…small, insignificant. What difference could she really make in this world? She knew that the sorting hat had said she would be famous…but really, how much could a hat see. Sometimes…sometimes the world seemed so fake, and Lily felt like she was right at the center of the fakeness.

She didn’t know if the feeling would ever stop.

The poem is by Mary Frye.

7. Chapter Six: Seamless Team

I own nothing.

Chapter 6: Seamless Team

The important thing to recognize is that it takes a team, and the team ought to get credit for the wins and the losses. Successes have many fathers, failures have none.

--Philip Caldwell

October 14, 1977

Gryffindor Tower was in chaos.

“JAMES POTTER!” a feminine voice shrieked from the girls’ dormitories.

Grinning, James Potter leaned against the doorframe of the seventh year girls’ room. Lily Evan was covered in water, sending him a death glare that would cow wolves into submission. He just smiled cheekily at her.

“I’m going to kill you, you bloody bastard!” She pointed a shaking finger at him and began to shiver, her teeth clacking. There had been a freezing charm on the water in the water balloons, James was happy to admit.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she asked him, her voice steadily rising. James saw Anabella, Sunny, and Clara poking their heads sleepily out of their curtains and looking at Lily, before darting back behind the curtains and sniggering. “That water was cold.”

“Are you going to cry?” James asked.

“No,” Lily retorted, and walked towards him steadily. He held his ground and didn’t back away. She was suddenly right in front of him, and James saw that she was wearing a white nightgown. He gaped and clapped a hand over his eyes so she wouldn’t slap him when she realized.

“What is wrong with you?” she repeated.

“You’re wet in white,” he replied, his voice muffled. There was a gasp and a few drops of water flicked onto James. He wiped them away and slowly opened his eyes. Lily was clutching a dressing gown around her body, glaring at him, teeth bared.

“Oh, yay. Now I need a cold shower,” he said, more to himself than to her.

“Get out of my sight, James,” she bit out, and he smiled again, sauntering away. There was a resounding crash as she slammed the door behind him, and he laughed as he entered the common room.

“Did you set up the old water balloon prank again?” Peter asked as James came down the stairs. James grinned at him.

“You bet I did. Don’t tell Sirius.” James chuckled. “He’ll expel me from the Marauders for lack of creativity.”

“Okay,” Peter shrugged, as if it didn’t matter much to him. And, James though, it probably doesn’t mean much to him.

“Are we going to breakfast, James?” asked Remus as he came down the dormitory stairs, with a bleary-eyed Sirius in tow.

“Yea,” said James, and Peter stood up from the couch. The four of them made their way down to the Great Hall and sat down at their usual place, right near the doors and farthest away from the staff table.

“The Quidditch try-outs are today after classes,” said Remus while he was passing James the bacon.

James shrugged. “So, all we need are reserves, and we don’t even need those badly. Every other spot was filled.”

Remus gave him a strange look. “But Sunny said that she wasn’t going to be able to play this year.”

“WHAT?” yelled James, spitting out a mouthful of orange juice.

“When we were in Hosmeade together—“ Remus cut himself off and a blush stained his cheeks.

Sirius gave a gleeful cackle. “Oh, this is just too good! How long have you two been together?”

“Fifth year,” muttered Remus.

Sirius immediately stopped smiling. “But—but that’s a long time. A serious relationship. Why didn’t you tell us? Does—does she know about…you know…Moony?”

Remus sighed. “No, she doesn’t know I’m a…you know.”

Peter dropped his fork. “But you’ve been going out for over two years then! And you haven’t told her? Won’t she be angry?”

Remus sighed again. “Her little sister was killed by a werewolf,” he said softly.

“So if she finds out you’re a werewolf she’s not going to be very happy,” Peter said needlessly.

“Keep your voice down!” James said, as Remus and Sirius, sitting across from them, paled.

It was too late.

“What?” There was the sound of a book hitting the floor and James and Peter turned to see Lily standing behind them, a look of shock on her face. She had dried off, though her hair was still slightly damp from the water balloons.

“You’re a—a—“

“Shh!” James said, grabbing her arm and pulling her to the bench. She sat down between James and Peter, her face still a mask of shock.

“How much did you hear?” asked Remus nervously.

“That you’re a—a—“

“Monster?” supplied Remus matter-of-factly.

“Oh, Remus, no! You aren’t a monster! You’re one of the nicest people I know!” cried Lily.

“Shh!” James said again.

“Sorry!” replied Lily.

“Does everything make sense now?” Remus said, his voice resigned.

“Yes,” said Lily quietly. “Even what Sunny showed—I mean, even about your visits to sick grandmothers every month. I was beginning to wonder why your grandmother was living so long if she got sick so often. It’s been seven years.”

“Don’t tell anyone,” said James quickly.

Lily shot him an annoyed look. “Of course I won’t! I’m not stupid.”

“You could’ve fooled me,” James snorted.

Lily made a face at him before standing up and sweeping her books into her arms. “I’ll see you later,” she said, whirling away and stalking down the table. Moments later she was joined by Sunny and Anabella Figg.

“Well, then,” said Sirius. “I guess there goes my suggestion.”

“What suggestion?” James asked irritably. Lily had put him in a foul mood.

“Lily could fill Sunny’s position; she’s a damn good flier.”

James paused in the middle of saying no and thought for a moment. He had seen Lily fly, and she really was good. Maybe…

“She’d never go for it,” he said doubtfully to Sirius.

“Yes she would,” said Sirius, “She loves Quidditch.”

“She does,” added Remus. “She talks about it with Sunny all the time.”

“Well then, can you ask her Sirius? She’ll probably throw her Charms text at me again.”

Sirius winced. “Ouch. And she’s in the advanced class, that thing weighs almost six pounds!”

“Will you ask her?” James said impatiently.

“Yea,” Sirius sighed. “I’ll ask her to try out.”

“Good,” said James.

“The things I do for you,” muttered Sirius darkly.

James only laughed.

Damn, I have to tell half these people they can’t be on the team, thought James, after he had made his decisions based on their performance at the try-outs. A group of hopeful faces stared at him, except for Lily. She looked as if she couldn’t care less if she got on the team or not. She was lounging on a couch with her eyes closed

James took a deep breath. “Alright! I have the Quidditch team positions!”

Was it his imagination, or did Lily stiffen and scoot a little close to the edge of the couch? The common room was quiet, and James began his list.

“Reserve beaters are Johnny Macityre and Eric Mothson, reserve chasers are Ally Bedrock, Jenny Hart, and Mark Sheavers, reserve Keeper is Joseph Lorden, and reserve seeker is Danny Lorden. The last chaser is Lily Evans. Practice is at seven tomorrow. Be late and you’ll get a lecture from my friend Sirius over there.”

Sirius stood up as the crowd around James dispersed. They were rather late in choosing their team, but then again, Sunny had been practicing with them until now. She had confirmed what Remus had told him at lunch, she wasn’t going to be playing. She had apologized for saying she was, but her parents had only recently forbade her. James was thankful they didn’t have a match until the third week of October and had time to prepare.

“We have class now,” said Peter, coming up behind him.

“Huh?” asked James.

“Patel’s class,” said Peter. “Remember?”

“Oh, yea,” said James, joining Remus, Sirius, Lily, Sunny, and Ana by the portrait hole. The seven of them left and made their way to third floor.

The layout of the auditorium was quite different. On the stage were a number of tables, and surrounding the platform were another set of tables. James’s group chose a table, and it soon filled up, as there seemed to be shortage of space. Pretty soon, a group of six, including Maria Danes, had gathered at their table. Sirius rolled his eyes and Lily suppressed a smile as Ana said that the first to get up would be the first to die, as there were thirteen people.

“If I don’t call your name, get down from the platform and take a seat on the floor,” said Madhura Patel’s voice, and James jumped as she walked on to the platform, dressed entirely in black. “Alphabetical order. Maria Danes—“ Sunny got up and walked to the floor as she had already passed the C’s. Patel named a list with about ten or so people on it, James and Lily included. James shoved Sirius off the bench, as he had loudly protested, saying, “You must have missed me!” with a large grin.

“Fine,” he finally pouted. “I know when I’m not wanted!”

“You always did have good perception,” Lily quipped with a grin. She looked at James across the table and smiled, inviting him to share the joke with her. James forced himself to remain stoic and Lily stopped smiling.

“Now,” said Patel. “If all of the students on the platform could move to the center table?” It was said as a suggestion, but the students knew it was an order. Lily, James, and Maria, the only people left at their table, got up quickly and sat down at the table in the center of the stage. James had counted wrong. There were only eight people at the table, including himself. “The rest of you students can be dismissed. Your actual class will be on Wednesday nights for an hour.”

There was a large swell of noise from below and James frowned. There had been no mention of different class times. The rest of the school exited the room and soon it was silent.

“Now, then,” said Patel. She paced in front of them, her hands clasped behind her back. It reminded James of someone, but he couldn’t remember whom. “I had originally thought that the evaluation process would take three nights, but I was very wrong, so there will be a little adjustment in the class schedule.” She sighed. “Instead of meeting two nights a week, we will only be meeting on Mondays.” She called on a student who had raised their hand. “Yes, Ms…?”

“Jennin, Elizabeth Jennin,” the girl said loudly. James turned and took a good look at her because she was sitting behind him. Her voice had a slight whine to it that sounded permanent. “Why are we up here? And why can’t we sit with our friends?”

“Jennin?” Patel asked, frowning. “Jennin.” Suddenly her eyes widened and she turned furious eyes on the girl. James was rather annoyed when Jennin grabbed the back of his robes in fright. “You,” Patel said calmly, but with a world of anger behind the word. “Your father—“

“Can get you fired,” said Jennin haughtily. “Now please, why are we up here?”

If Patel hadn’t been so worked up, James was sure she would have taken points for the Ravenclaw’s insolence. As it was, she didn’t. “Right, right,” said Patel. “Forgive me, I must be thinking of…someone else. Mr…?”

“Potter, James Potter. Could you please tell her to let go of my robes?”

Something flickered in Patel’s eyes, but it was gone and the professor’s lips twitched upwards at the corners; otherwise her face was straight. “Of course, d—Mr. Potter, Ms. Jennin, could you please release Mr. Potter?”

“Oh, yes,” said Jennin, with a disdainful sniff.

“Why are you here? Well, you are all…gifted, in a way. Does anyone want to guess how you’re gifted? Ms…?”

“Lily Evans.” A strange emotion, the same one James had seen when Patel looked at him, passed over the woman’s face at Lily’s name, but it passed in an instant. “Do we have some sort of—I don’t know how to say it—ancient magic?”

“Five points to Gryffindor, Ms. Evans. Very shrewd. Yes, you are all gifted in the ways of ancient magic. There are thirteen types of ancient magic, all of which a god or goddess of the elves possessed. Strangely enough, the idols the fairies and elves worshiped were in human form.” Patel smiled and James’s mind reeled. He knew this woman from somewhere.

“Everyone possesses some ancient magic, although not everyone possesses enough to be able to do anything with it of their own volition. These two states of ancient magic are not…shall we say, symmetrical. This means that while a hundred people can possess Empathy, only one of those people will be able to do anything with it voluntarily. Or while more than half of a hundred people can possess stone magic, very few can’t do anything with it voluntarily. Stone and Metal magic is the most common-found of the ancient magics, while Full Magic is the least commonly found.”

Maria raised her hand and told Patel her name. “But—do you mean stone magic is the most commonly found overall, or that stone magic that people can do things with is the most common?”

“The latter,” answered Patel. “The same goes for soul-searching and empathy, as well as the other magics. Mr…?”

“Li, Peter Li,” said a Chinese boy sitting behind Jennin. James had always suspected he had a crush on Sunny. Well, too bad. My best friend is in love with her. “You said ‘Full Magic.’ Is there a difference between full and, well…not full?”

Patel smiled. “A point for Ravenclaw. I didn’t think anyone would catch that. Yes, there is a difference. There are…different branches of magic.” She turned and conjured up a blackboard, charming the chalk to write out a table on the board:

Ancient Magic

I) Nature II) Healing

A) Plant B) Empathy

B) Elemental 1. Soul-searching

1. Water 2. Linking

2. Fire 3. Inspiration

3. Air 4. Love

4. Earth

4a: Stone

4b: Metal

5. Weather

“The higher on the table you go, the rarer the magic. For instance, if you have Earth Magic, you have stone and/or metal magic, You also have control over other products that come from the earth, such as an earthen bowl or such. However, just because you have Earth magic, you don’t have Air or Fire or Water magic. As there are many types of magics within each main subject, it is rare to have all of them.” Patel waved her wand and the chalk, which had been hovering in midair, poised to write, dropped to the chalk tray.

“In addition to your Monday night class, you will have a night of independent study. I will begin independent study in December, and will arrange a day with you then. The bell is about to ring, so copy down these notes and then you can be on your way.”

James finished with his notes relatively quickly and he surveyed the room. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Patel watching him with the strangest expression on her face. It was almost…hungry. Not in a desiring way, but in the way that she was a young fan, and he; her idol.

“Hello? James?”

James looked up and saw Lily, standing with her books in her arms. In the background he heard the bell that signaled the end of class periods tapering off.

“Are you alive?” she asked impatiently. James rolled his eyes and hefted his backpack onto his shoulders. Their friends hadn’t waited, and they were the only ones left in the auditorium besides Patel.

“You didn’t have to wait,” James replied snidely. Lily didn’t deign to respond to that and instead turned to Patel.

“Have a nice evening,” she said politely.

Patel turned slowly and smiled at both of them. “You too, see you next class.” She quickly turned around and began shuffling papers in her hands.

“Teacher’s pet,” muttered James as they climbed the stairs out of the auditorium.

“Oh shut up,” said Lily. “She’s strange.”

James snorted. “She’s new. Of course she’s strange.”

Lily frowned. “No, she really is strange. I feel…weird around her. But when I told Sirius…he didn’t take me seriously.” She grinned at her own pun.

“Well what makes you think I’m going to be any different?” questioned James.

Lily shrugged. “One of those things I can tell about people.”

“You can tell things about people, too?” he asked curiously.

“Can you?”

“Sometimes,” he said, as they passed by the library and saw Clara, Lily’s roommate, leaving. She sneered at the pair of them before walking away.

“I can tell if people are lying—“

“So can I.”

“—and I can tell if they have been hurt before just by looking at them, glancing at them.”

“It takes me a while, but then I can tell. I can tell—every once in a while I get a flash of something, as if I can tell how someone feels…sometimes about another person.”

“So—do you think it has something to do with ancient magic?”

“I want to know what type I have.”

“Me too,” said Lily.

“You know what, Lily, I think we just held a civil conversation,” smirked James, when they stood in front of the Fat Lady. “One of our first. Squeaky toys are brilliant,” said James, and with a distinctly undignified roll of her eyes, the Fat Lady swung open and they clambered through the portrait hole.

“What idiot came up with that password?” asked Lily exasperatedly.

“I did,” said Sirius, tickling her sides quickly.

“Hey!” squealed Lily, laughing.

James turned away from the couple, telling himself firmly that he shouldn’t be there. I don’t belong. I don’t belong. I don’t be—

“James?”

With a slight groan, James turned to face Maria Danes.

“Yes?” he asked wearily.

“I wanted to see how you were,” she said softly. She genuinely seemed concerned. Over her shoulder, James saw Sirius and Lily watching with interest, along with half the common room.

“I think I’m fine,” he said with a sigh, and turned and trudged up the dormitory stairs.

Right.

October 22, 1977

The Gryffindor stands erupted in cheers as James and the rest of the Quidditch team walked out onto the Pitch. James could see Sirius jumping about madly in the front row, a few feet from McGonagall, who looked like she was about to die of annoyance. James pitied her.

“Shake hands, Captains,” said Madame Hooch. James glared at Dean Rosier, a sixth year Ravenclaw who he hated for his snide comments and shrewd, calculating nature. James suspected he would have done well in Slytherin as well.

The fact that he had shagged Maria behind James’s back had nothing to do with it.

At least that’s what James liked to tell himself.

Reluctantly, James put out his hand and Rosier gripped it, squeezing hard. “Setting yourself up to lose, Potter?” he asked under his breath.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing,” said Rosier, throwing a glance at Lily, who was standing behind James.

James would have questioned Rosier, but Hooch cried, “Mount your brooms!” James and the rest of the players swung their legs over their brooms, and Madame Hooch’s whistle blew shrilly. Fifteen brooms rose into the crisp October air, and the quaffle was immediately grabbed by Lily, who fell into the formation they had been practicing all week with the other Gryffindor chasers, Alex Fera and Jennifer Hart.

James inhaled the scent of wood smoke and fresh air, enjoying being on a broom, where he felt most at home. His eyes darted around quickly to see if he could spot the snitch, but it hadn’t shown itself yet.

“AND EVANS PASSES TO FERA WHO…OH! NICE SAVE BY RAVENCLAW KEEPER JONES! POSSESSION TO RAVENCLAW, ROSIER GRABS THE QUAFFLE AND FLIES ACROSS THE FIELD—OH, NICE INTERCEPTION BY LILY EVANS, THIS YEAR’S HEAD GIRL! LOOKS LIKE THINGS ARE GOING HER WAY—SHE SHOOTS! SCORE! TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!”

Screams erupted from the Gryffindor stands and hisses erupted from the Slytherins, who would die before supporting Gryffindor. James couldn’t help it, he grinned and high-fived Alex Fera, who was flying by.

“WONDERUFL PLAY BY DENNON, THE RAVENCLAW BEATER! HIT EVANS RIGHT IN THE ARM, CAUSING HER TO DROP THE QUAFFLE. SHE SHOULD PAY MORE ATTENTION TO WHAT’S GOING ON AROUND HER!”

James distinctly heard Sirius shout, “That’s my girlfriend you just insulted, you dirty wanker!” There was great commotion as he smacked the Hufflepuff who was commentating on the back of the head and cast the Sonorus charm on himself.

“HELLO ALL, THIS IS SIRIUS BLACK. I’LL BE YOUR COMMENTATOR FOR THE REST OF THE MATCH. AFTER THE GREAT SLANDER INFLICTED ON MY AMAZING GIRLFRIEND LILY, CHASER FOR GRYFFINDOR AND HEAD GIRL I DECIDED I WOULD BE A PERFECT CANDI—FERA SHOOTS! HE SCORES! 10 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!”

It was then that James saw the snitch, glinting right near the Ravenclaw stands. He went into a steep dive, just as Jennifer Hart put a goal past the Ravenclaw keeper.

“JAMES IS DIVING, HE SEES THE SNITCH! ROLLIN IS SPEEDING AFTER HIM, THERE’S NO WAY YOU’RE GOING TO CATCH UP TO HIM, YOU WANKER—SORRY PROFESSOR, I’LL BE GOOD! JAMES REACHES HIS HAND OUT—“

CRACK!

James felt pain explode from his right wrist as the bludger smashed into it. He cradled his hand to his chest and searched frantically for the snitch. It had whizzed upwards a bit and Rollin, the Ravenclaw seeker, was speeding towards it. James urged his Cleansweep forward and reached out with his left hand. The snitch seemed rather playful today and it darted away.

“ROSIER SCORES FOR RAVECLAW, THAT BLOODY FOOL, HE STOLE JAMES’S GIRLFRIEND! SORRY PROFESSOR! NO! I’M STILL COMMENTATING! I’LL BEHAVE!”

“Thanks, mate,” James called sarcastically, giving up trying to catch the snitch as it disappeared from sight, “for broadcasting my life to the world!”

“It is highly entertaining,” Lily drawled as she flew past to intercept the quaffle.

“Oh shut up!” he said, as Sirius resumed his…colorful commentating.

“RAVENCLAW SCORES ON GRYFFINDOR AGAIN, WAKE UP, YOU IDIOT! THAT SHOT WAS RIGHT TO YOU! OH, NICE INTERCEPTION BY FERA, PASS TO THE LOVELY MISS EVANS, SHE PASSES TO HART, WHO SHOOTS! YES! TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!”

James had always loved Quidditch. It was the one thing that could make him forget anything, along with flying. He loved watching people play and make complicated patterns in the air.

And as he watched the chasers pass to each other, something strange came over him. They had only been working to together for a week, and they were already in tune with each other’s thoughts. Hart could throw to empty space and Fera would be there to catch it in a moment. Lily could drop the quaffle and have both Fera and Hart underneath her. She didn’t even have to look.

A collective groan went up from the Gryffindor stands as Ravenclaw put another goal past the Gryffindor keeper. “IT’S A BLOOD BATH OUT THERE! TEN POINTS TO RAVENCLAW, WHICH MAKES THE SCORE 30-30. THE SNITCH HAS ALREADY COME OUT, WHICH IS STRANGE CONSIDERING IT’S ONLY BEEN HALF AN HOUR INTO THE GAME!”

The flash of gold caught his eyes, right next to Lily. The snitch was…following her. Not paying any attention to this strange behavior, he dove. He could hear Rollin following him on his slower broom. Recklessly, he took a sharp right turn to catch up to Lily, and pulled his broom to a halt in front of the Ravenclaw stands, where Lily would pass by him. She looked at him strangely as she flew by, the quaffle under one arm.

James shot after her, barely noticing when Fera dropped below Lily and Hart dropped below Fera. James frowned; Lily was much higher then the goal posts and wouldn’t be able to put a shot through. He was having a hard time catching sight of the snitch because it was flitting through Lily’s dark red hair. He ignored his throbbing wrist and concentrated on keeping sight of it.

Lily dropped the quaffle into Fera’s hands and Fera dropped it into Hart’s hands. Just as Jennifer threw it through the goal posts and scored, James reached out his hand and pulled Lily’s broom closer to his.

“What the bloody hell are you doing?” she hissed, turning to look at him with fire in her eyes. James held up his hand, with the snitch in it, and she relaxed.

“Bloody hard to find while it was making its nest in your hair,” James said cheerfully. Lily immediately put her hands up to her hair and James rolled his eyes. He dove with his hand raised in the air.

“AND JAMES POTTER CATCHES THE SNITCH FOR GRYFFINDOR! WAS THERE ANY DOUBT? HAHA, YOU RAVENCLAW BUGGER ROSIER, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR SHAG—PROFESSOR, DID YOU JUST SWEAR AT ME? DID ALL OF YOU SEE THAT LAST PLAY? BRILLIANT, THE GRYFFINDORS ARE LIKE A SEAMLESS TEAM! AND THEY THREW THEIRS TOGETHER IN A WEEK!”

Yea, James thought as he flew down to get his wrist healed, I like the sound of that, seamless team.

8. Chapter Seven: The Dark

I own nothing

Chapter 7: The Dark

“O dark, dark, dark, amid the blaze of noon,
Irrecoverably dark, total eclipse
Without all hope of day!”

--John Milton

October 27, 1977

“Lily!”

Lily turned towards them and James sighed. Her nose was in a book again! Honestly. He hadn’t seen much of Lily since the last Quidditch practice, and for some reason, not fighting with her made the guilt of Amy even worse. They hadn’t been all that close lately, but she had been his first serious girlfriend.

Something had changed between him and Lily in that cell. Something changed. He couldn’t call her Evans anymore.

“Yea, Sirius?” she asked, kissing him on the mouth softly as they caught up to her. She acknowledged James with a nod. “James.” It was a cloudy afternoon on Tuesday when they would normally be in Divination, but Professor Sandrine was sick and there was no reasonable substitute.

“Lily.”

“You two are hilarious together,” Sirius remarked. He shook his head mournfully. “I shall die of laughter someday and then you shall be sorry.”

“Not bloody likely,” James snorted. Lily grinned at him over Sirius’s shoulder.

“Where are Remus and Peter?” asked Lily. She looked around cautiously. “Should I know something?”

“Yes,” said James immediately, just as Sirius said “No.”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “Which is it, boys?

“Yes,” said James stubbornly. “You should know something, as in Remus and Peter are coming up behind you and are about to throw a bucket of ice water over you, effectively drenching you robes and your hair which is a nightmare to dry, woman. How do you deal with it?”

Lily gaped. “You liar!” she cried after a moment. “The last time you said something like that I ended up running out of the tower half-naked because you told me that Joseph Lorden was going to chop off all my hair!”

“You remember that?” asked James, shocked.

“Of course. I got detention for two nights with Vector. Although I think that was because he like the way that black bra looked on me,” Lily said thoughtfully. “Two nights was much too little for almost flashing a group of first years, and he didn’t even take points. I thought he was going to go into cardiac arrest or something.”

“When was that, again?” asked James.

“Mid-sixth year. Before you went silent to me,” Lily said with a short chuckle. “So where are Remus and Peter, James? And where did Sirius go?”

“I told you, ice water.”

“Shut up. What are you four plan—“

SPLASH!

“JAMES POTTER, SIRIUS BLACK, PETER PETTIGREW, AND REMUS LUPIN!” Lily shrieked, loud enough to bring out Vector and Celestia from an empty classroom. James felt slightly nauseated as he saw that Professor Celestia’s shirt was hanging off one shoulder and the beginnings of love bites covered her neck and shoulder.

James leaned against a wall and laughed as Lily rounded on Sirius, Peter and Remus, crying, “Petrifucus Totalus” and waving her wand at all three of them. She then proceeded to cry “Pluvius!” causing a rain cloud to hover over them and soak them, but not the floor. It was then that she rounded on James, and what he saw made him laugh even harder.

“What, James?” growled Lily. “What is so funny?”

“L-L-Lily,” James wheezed. “You’re wet in white again!” he crowed and fell over. “And you’re wearing—wearing a black bra!

“Miss Evans!” Celestia cried. “Put on some clothes and remove the charms from Pettigrew, Black, and Lupin!” Celestia was clearly not happy that Vector was staring at Lily with very adoring eyes. With that, Celestia dragged Vector off.

There was a clatter as Lily’s wand fell to the floor. She leaned against the wall, laughing so hard tears streamed down her face. “Did you see Vector’s face?”

“Yea,” James snickered. “Hey, reckon you should take those charms off the rest of the idiots and put on some clothes?” James was trying very hard not to stare at Lily. “Because sooner or later someone is going to—“

“Well, well, well, Evans. Look what we have here.”

James turned slowly, staring at Alex Avery and Salmand Malfoy. They were staring at Lily coldly.

“Who knew you looked that good under those robes?” sneered Malfoy. “I think we deserve to see your charms, as you’re beating me in the subject.” James only had a second for Malfoy’s meaning to sink in before he reacted. Unfortunately the spell was already cast.

Lily stood in disbelief as her robes, wet shirt, and the black bra disappeared, leaving her topless. James couldn’t help but admire her and stood there gaping for almost fifteen seconds, his pants going way too tight, before Avery let out a long, low whistle and began advancing towards the frozen Lily, who was only wearing her school uniform skirt.

James only had a moment to think before rage consumed him and he leapt into action. “Stupefy!” he roared, pointing his wand at Avery, who crumpled in a heap. Malfoy cried something unfamiliar and James felt a brief flash of pain and heard Lily’s gasp of shock, but he saw red and ignored it. He headed towards his goal, Lily, who was beginning to move, reaching for her wand. James pulled off his robes and hurriedly covered her shivering body, turning and pointing his wand at Malfoy.

“We can take turns, Potter. She’s got to be a good fuck. I know you’d do her,” Malfoy reasoned pathetically. Beside him, James felt Lily shiver and a small exclamation of dismay escaped her lips.

“You fucking bastard,” James spat. “100 points from Slytherin!”

Malfoy gaped. “You can’t take that many points without being approved by a Professor!” he cried.

It was at that moment that Madhura Patel came walking down the corridor, her pace brisk. She slowed when she saw the scene ahead. “What’s happening here?” she asked sharply, her gaze flickering from the crumpled Avery, to the shivering Lily, to the heap of Marauders on the floor, to James and Malfoy, who were glaring at each other so hard sparks were flying.

“Potter’s abusing his position as Head Boy! He just took 100 points from Slytherin!” Malfoy cried.

“Mr. Potter?” Patel asked, switching her wise gaze to him. James clenched his fingers around his wand so hard his knuckles went white. “They—they—they removed her shirt,” he hissed softly. “And her bra, and they were—I just—I don’t need to justify myself to you!” he cried to Malfoy. “You’re getting whatever the hell you deserve!”

“And who is responsible for drenching Ms. Evans. And what about those boys over there, with the cloud over them?”

“They poured the water on me, James and Sirius and Remus and Peter,” said Lily suddenly. “And I hexed them. It—it was just a prank, but then my shirt was white and I was wearing black underneath and Malfoy and Avery came down the—“

Patel held up a hand, quieting Lily. “I support the subtraction of 100 points from Slytherin. I also however, am taking 50 additional points from Slytherin. Nothing gives you the right to defame a fellow student like this, and it was Dark Magic that you used to slash Mr. Potter’s chest, was it not?” she said to Malfoy, phrasing it as a question. It was really a statement. “Five points from Gryffindor for drenching Ms. Evans, you four, and five for hexing them, Ms. Evans. You could have solved the conflict another way. Ten points to Mr. Potter for helping Ms. Evans in her time of need and five for an excellent Stunning spell, although those will be cancelled out because of the five I must take for your use of magic in the corridors. Mr. Malfoy, revive Mr. Avery and we will take him to Dumbledore’s office. We need to have a little chat. Mr. Potter, take off those hexes from your friends and do visit the hospital wing, all five of you. You will get sick. Good day.”

They gaped. Malfoy revived Avery and as soon as the Slytherins and Patel were gone, James muttered “Finite Incantatem,” at his friends. The rain cloud disappeared, and their bodies relaxed. “Dissecto,” he muttered, drying them off. All three were livid.

“Those bastards,” cried Sirius. “How—how dare they! God, when I get my hands on them—“ The three boys who had previously been drenched began plotting a way to get them back, but James made his way to Lily, who was still standing with his robes wrapped around herself.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly. Lily didn’t say anything for a moment. Then, she said, “That was my favorite shirt,” bent down to retrieve her wand, and swept off, taking his robes with her. He knew she was heading to the hospital wing and followed her.

“Come on, Lily! That can’t be all you have to say on the matter!” he cried. Lily stared straight ahead as she began to speak in a flat, monotonous, tone.

“No one should see me like that except for someone who loves me, and someone I love. In a romantic sense. Or at least someone I want to look at me. But they just—they make it sound so dirty. ‘We can take turns, Potter,’” she mimicked, her voice now filled with emotion. “’She’s gotta be a good fuck,’ As if that’s all I’m good for! And that isn’t even British, it’s from the States! At least use the right slang if you’re going to be a bastard!”

“Well, it’s not all you’re good for! You’re a person. You aren’t just good for things!”

“Well, would you have?” asked Lily.

“Would I have what?” replied James warily.

“Fucked me, since you’re so horny off Maria Danes.”

“No! You’re my best friend’s girlfriend, even if—“ James cut himself off and pressed his lips together. He was slipping up too much now.

“Yes?” asked Lily curiously.

“Nothing,” James said firmly, and she sighed, dropping it.

“And your friends?” Lily asked. “What of them?”

“What do you mean?" James queried.

“They seemed almost happy it happened, just so they have a reason to get them back. Not that I don’t want to get them back,” she added hastily. “And none of them even asked after me! They immediately began plotting.”

“Hey! I asked if you were okay!” yelped James as she stomped on his foot. “What was that for?”

“I saw you go hard, Potter,” she hissed at him, and James winced. Busted.

“Well, it’s a normal reaction!” he said defensively. “You’re exquisite,” he said softly, and her steps faltered, causing her to stumble. He caught her arm and steadied her until she began walking again, even faster now.

“Well thank you, as if that makes it any better,” she said, but her features had softened slightly.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ll try to forget,” James offered helpfully.

“I thought you said I was exquisite!” Lily cried, bursting into tears and running ahead. James stared after her for a moment.

Women.

“Lily! Lily!” he called after her, running to catch up. He forgot to call her Evans again. “Wait!”

She slammed through the doors of the hospital wing and James followed. Madam Gauche looked at them with surprise. “What’s wrong, dearies?” she asked.

Lily opened her mouth and closed it several times. She obviously couldn’t think of anything she needed medical aid for. “He—he has a cut on his chest,” she said sullenly, pointing over her shoulder at James. He looked down at the front of his shirt and saw that it was almost drenched it blood. Suddenly, pain hit him and he gasped, and he dimly realized that it was very similar to the curse that Snape had used on him, as it felt like salt was being rubbed into the cuts. There was, however, a strange sensation underlying the pain that he hadn’t felt before.

“Oh, it’s worse than I thought,” Lily said feebly.

“Come in, come in. This will be easy to fix up. Just a simple blood restorative potion and some ointment will fix it up in a second. And a handy little charm. You seem to have some bad run-ins with the Salvanus curse, Mr. Potter. We have magic on our side, you know!” James rolled his eyes at her and followed her over to a bed, with Lily trailing after. No doubt his friends were wondering where the hell they were.

“Here, sit down and I’ll be right back.” Gauche ordered, hurrying into her apothecary. Lily sat down on the bed next to James. They didn’t speak to each other.

Finally, Gauche came carrying a flask and a bottle, along with cotton swabs. She set them down on the bedside table. Just as she began opening the bottle of ointment, the door burst open and a large group of Hufflepuffs rushed in.

“Care of Magical Creatures,” one panted. “Can’t carry up to wing. Hurry, serious!”

Gauche looked at Lily. “You, girl! Apply this with the swabs and then give him a flask of this potion. I’m trusting you. If anyone else comes in, tell them to wait. Put him to bed after you give him the potion, it has some sleeping draught mixed in.” With that, she grabbed her medicine bag and left the room at a run, albeit a slow one.

James was beginning to feel a little dizzy, and he clutched the side of the bed for support as Lily jumped up. The first thing she did was take of James’s shirt, unbuttoning it quickly and pulling it off his shoulders herself as he couldn’t move that much.

“You’re an idiot, Potter,” she muttered as she soaked one of the cotton swabs with Matilda’s Magical Healing Ointment. “You shouldn’t have hacked off Malfoy.”

“Whatever,” was all James could gasp out. Lily started dabbing at the large slash across his chest. The ointment stung like needles against his cut, which went from his collarbone down-diagonally, just missing his nipple.

Lily made a sound of annoyance in the back of her throat. “So how are you holding up? About Amy, I mean.”

The loss of blood had the same effect as alcohol on James. It made him open up. “Not good. Can’t sleep. See her face. I keep remembering things that I haven’t thought of in a long time. Driving me mad. Can you hurry up? Dying here.”

“Hold on,” Lily said, irritated. She screwed the cap on the bottle of ointment and put it down, picking up the potion. Measuring out the correct amount, she gave it to him and James forced it down his throat, gagging at the taste of boiled cabbage. Immediately, the dizzying feeling increased and chills overtook his body. Lily looked at him worriedly.

“Is that normal?” she asked, and he leaned forward, putting his head on her shoulder and twining his arms tightly around her waist in a surprisingly intimate gesture. She stiffened and he knew that this was wrong, but he was too drugged to care. After a moment she seemed to give in and her body relaxed. James turned his head until he was breathing in her ear and enjoyed her answering shiver.

“Sorry,” he breathed in her ear.

“For what?”

“I dunno,” he answered truthfully, before falling asleep.

October 31, 1977

“Why the hell did we arrange a masquerade party tonight anyways?” asked James grumpily as he adjusted his mask. Sirius looked at him with an exasperated expression on his face.

“Because I wanted one,” he said for the hundredth time in the last eighteen minutes and fourteen seconds.

“Ugh,” was James’s reply. Sirius chuckled and shook his head.

“You know, I told Lily to pretend we weren’t together tonight so we can do whatever we want.”

“How did she take that?” James wanted to know.

“Pretty well. She told me she’d remove my family jewels if I cheated on her while I wasn’t under the influence of alcohol and then walked away laughing her head off,” explained Sirius. James laughed.

“You idiot,” he said playfully, as Remus and Peter rushed in.

Remus was dressed as a wolf—for some odd reason—and Peter was dressed as an American cowboy they had seen in a picture Sunny had given Remus. Sirius had, for a reason James didn’t want to know, dressed as a Roman in a toga with a white mask that fitted over his eyes. James himself was dressed as a magician, with a top hat to hide his messy hair that would surely give him away.

“Those girls are vicious once you try to get a peek at them even though I found a way up the girl’s stairs after the slide appeared and oh, shit. This thing starts in five minutes.” He said this all very fast and James had a heard time following. By the time he had finished understanding, the room was empty and he sighed. Throwing a pillow at Sirius’s empty bed, he got up slowly and, very reluctantly, he made his way out to the stairs. He could see the common room from the landing, and deciding it would be fun to see if he could guess which costume each Gryffindor Seventh year girl was wearing, he watched their dormitory door, which was across from his, on the other side of the room.

He recognized Sunny—he thought--first. She was dressed dramatically in a kimono made of rich red and gold, with a matching mask that contrasted against her powdered-white skin perfectly. Or maybe it was Ana, or Clara. It was most definitely not Lily, as she was shorter than the figure. Then again, James thought, that won’t help as an identifying factor if she’s wearing heels.

Next came a vision in a blue ball gown, with a tiara set on her head of blonde curls. Unless Lily or Sunny had dyed their hair, that was Clara. She drifted gracefully down the steps and disappeared into the throng.

The next two came out together. One was dressed in a rather skimpy red dress, and James knew that one was Lily. Her mask was black. Next to the figure in red was a woman wearing pure white, with angel wings and a halo. Her mask was of white feathers and sparkles seemed to drift in the air around her, giving off a sweet aura. She was obviously Sunny.

When he reached the floor he saw Sirius dancing with a blonde wearing a pink bunny suit, and he shuddered. He would have nightmares about that costume.

“How cliché,” whispered a voice in his ear. He turned to see Lily standing behind him in her short red dress.

Damn. What the hell’s she thinking, walking around in that…scrap of fabric?

“What’s cliché?” he asked back.

“You’re a magician,” she said, a smile quirking at the corners of her mouth.

“You don’t like magicians?”

Lily shrugged. “They’re okay.” She smiled mischievously and if he could’ve seen her eyes, he knew they would be twinkling, but the slits in her mask were too narrow. “So, who are you?” she asked in a low voice.

“Like I’d tell you,” he responded. He knew he was flirting shamelessly, but who said he couldn’t? He could just say he didn’t know who it was.

Lily gave a sigh. “Thought so,” she said, before grabbing his hand and pulling him onto the dance floor. He tried to resist but his heart wasn’t in it, and he allowed her to pull him along.

“I can’t dance,” he said to her over the beat of the music.

She grinned. “Everyone can dance. Just move.”

Shrugging, he moved, and she looked rather surprised, he noticed.

“Am I doing well?” he asked after a moment.

“Fabulous,” she replied with a wide smile. “Better than I thought you could.”

She moved closer as a slower song came on and they swayed to the music. James found that he liked dancing to the slower songs as it was so much simpler.

“Are you still not going to tell me who you are?” asked Lily.

“No.”

“Fair enough,” she pouted. “You don’t know who I am.”

Oh, thought James. That’s where you wrong, Lily. That’s where you’re wrong.

A slower, sensual song blared out, and Lily turned in his arms, pressing her body back against him and swaying with him. James stifled a groan as her arms snaked up over his sides to twine around his neck.

“Oh, god,” he shuddered, his voice shaking as she ground her hips steadily against his. If she kept that up a moment longer he would have a boner. And then he would have to take her up to his room and do things with her.

She stopped, probably because she knew he would get aroused, and he could hear her breathing harshly, even over the music, she was that close.

“Merlin,” she breathed. “this has to stop.”

“Forgive me for asking,” he said through gritted teeth, “buy why?”

“I’m—I’m, god, whoever you are stop that,” she said breathlessly as he nibbled on the nape of her neck, “I’m taken,” she finished, and slipped away from him, out of his arms and into the crowd. He stared after her, dumbstruck.

Shaking his head to clear the euphoria being with her had created, he went to get a glass of butterbeer from the punch bowl in the corner. He suddenly wasn’t in a party-like mood. He made his way over to the stairs and to the small overhang on the second landing. From there, he sat in a couch and could see everything. He removed his mask and his top hat, not really seeing much use for them anymore,

He had lied to Lily, he did dance. He just didn’t dance with girls he was potentially going to meet again. Which meant he had a strictly dance in night clubs only rule. He was contemplating how much trouble it would be to go down and dance again when he saw Lily in the red dress, the Japanese clad woman, and the girl in the blue ball gown leave through the portrait hole. Noting that for later, he went down to get another glass of butterbeer. It was then that he realized there was none left.

Furious, he went to find his best friend. Sirius was talking animatedly to a girl in the corner when James hauled him away and into a niche that used to hold a suit of armor.

“Did you not get the refillable punch bowl from the house elves?” James hissed angrily, and he shoved Sirius away when he began to look guilty. “Fine, whatever. I’ll just go get more butterbeer. Where’s the cloak?”

“What are you talking about? Peter took it when he had to prank the Quidditch Changing rooms for the Slytherins. Didn’t he give it back to you?”

“Shit,” James cursed, whirling away to find Peter. He found his friend sitting in a corner, morosely staring into his empty cup. “Wormtail!”

Peter looked up at his nickname and mustered a small smile. “Hey Prongs,” he sighed. “How’s it going?”

“Never mind that,” said James irritably. “Where’s my cloak?’

Peter’s eyes widened. “Shit!” he cursed suddenly. “James, I left it in the Quidditch—“

James was already gone.

He walked quickly through the halls, aware that it was just past eleven, the Seventh year curfew, and that he could give the excuse of patrolling if he was caught. He was Head Boy, after all.

It took him almost half-an-hour just to get out of the castle, as he kept on having to duck behind statues and tapestries as a teacher or Filch walked by. He breathed in the fresh night air and slowed his pace, not really caring anymore that there was no butterbeer left. Screw the Gryffindors. His cloak from his favorite aunt was missing.

Almost an hour after he had set out he reached the changing rooms, and was pleased to see there were no lights on. Finding an Invisibility cloak would be a bitch anyways without the added trouble of answering a nosy student’s questions. He pushed the door open quietly, as was his instinct. It shut with an audible snap behind him and he immediately fumbled for his wand to light it, as the idiot who built this building had not installed Movement sensitive lights.

As he pulled his wand from his pocket he realized he was hearing something distinctly odd. Someone was breathing in here, hyperventilating was more like it. There was a sound like a whimper and a rasp that sounded like, “No!”

“Who’s there?” he called out loudly, his voice echoing in the pitch-black room.

There was a scuffling sound and something heavy was thrown at him. “James,” someone gasped in his ear, “Oh, thank god you’re here, James,” she whispered, as he struggled to regain his balance.

“Lily?” he asked incredulously, lighting his wand.

Lily nodded. “It was so terribly dark and I was hoping anyone would come!” Then she did something that shocked him.

She kissed him.

Deeply.

Forgetting the hundreds of questions that had leapt to his mind at her presence, James kissed her back fervently, pulling away after a moment with a whispered, “What the hell?”

He tried to pull away from her but she stubbornly clung to him like a little child. He muttered the spell to activate the lights and was puzzled when they didn’t turn on. Still frowning, he muttered, “Incendio,” pointing his wand at the fireplace, and was pleased to see a blaze start up. James sat Lily down by the fire and she finally let go. The flickering light cast shadows around the room but he didn’t bother to look about.

“What happened?” he asked Lily. “What happened?” he repeated after she didn’t answer.

“Ana was acting strange ever since she came back from her meeting with Darryl Longe, from Hufflepuff, you know. That was this afternoon and she went out to meet him by the Greenhouses. She was distant and she always had a glazed look in her eyes.” Lily’s voice was flat, monotonous.

“After I stopped dancing with—with—I don’t even know who, Ana caught up to me and told me that she needed to show me and Sunny something. And we followed her out onto the grounds.”

So that’s why they left, James realized, remembering the three girls leaving.

“She—Ana, that is, she took our wands and brought us here. I was rather confused, as I hadn’t done anything to make her angry. When we got here the lights were on and Sunny managed to get her wand from Ana. She tried to stun Ana but Ana was too quick—and—she Disarmed Sunny.”

“In here?” James asked, surprised.

“Yes,” Lily responded quietly.

“Then—then where is Sunny?” James asked, almost afraid of the answer.

“Ana Disarmed her and she went flying across the room, but before I saw where she landed the lights just—went out. And there was this terrible cr-cracking noise and then footsteps and the door slammed. Ana—she still has my wand and I couldn’t do the Lighting Charm without it and oh, god, why isn’t Sunny here?” Lily buried her face in her hands and began to sob quietly.

James stood and thought for a moment before raising his wand and pointing it at the ceiling. Licking dry lips, he cried, “Solaris!”

He immediately wished he hadn’t as Lily let out a bloodcurdling scream and ran across the brightened room to Sunny’s still form. It was one of the most horrible things James had ever seen, Sunny lying with a pool of blood under her head, spreading out like a fan around her, red marks streaked down her pale, pale face. Her kimono was rumpled and her arms were thrown out in wild abandon. Had it not been for the blood, James would have thought she was just sleeping.

Lily’s cries brought him back to reality. She was holding her best friend’s hand, pleading for her to wake up and say it was all a joke. James himself wanted Sunny to do just that, when a terrible thought struck him.

Remus.

“Li-Lily, we need Dumbledore,” he said quietly, trying to keep his voice from shaking. He and his friends were cursed, no doubt about it. Remus would have to go through even more pain, and he and Sunny had been fighting!

Lily paid no attention to him and began to rock back and forth in anguish, her sobs quieted but tears running freely down here face. Damn it, James thought. This shouldn’t be happening, not to us. And how do we get Dumbledore down here?

As if in answer, a draft blew in the window along with the sound of flapping. James turned and pointed his wand at whatever had just entered, relaxing when he saw it was only Fawkes.

“Of course,” James breathed, moving towards the scarlet and gold bird. “Fawkes, go get Dumbledore. Quick. It’s important.”

Fawkes gave James a look that suggested he wasn’t giving the bird enough credit, and swooped off. James didn’t want to do it, but he turned to the task at hand.

Comforting Lily.

She had stopped crying, but her alternative wasn’t much better. She was sitting with her back against the wall, staring into space. She seemed to not want to feel any type of emotion. As he looked at Sunny’s still form, James had the strong urge to cry himself. He knew people he cared about were going to die in this war, but Sunny? She was so—nice. So—comforting to be around. Or—

She used to be like that.

Not anymore.

“Oh, Remus,” sighed Lily, almost inaudibly. James’s head snapped up.

“Huh?”

“They had no time,” Lily choked out. “They had no time to be together. Their relationship was just starting, even though Sun said they were fighting—oh, god, she’s dead and they were fighting and now he’s going to beat himself up about being on the outs with her.”

The phrase ‘She’s dead,’ jolted James. It made it so clinical, so stark. He didn’t want to think of Sunny, of all people, as dead.

“They did have time. Sunny and Remus have been dating since fifth year,” James said softly. Lily chuckled grimly.

“I knew something was going on with her. Do you know what they’re—what they were—“ Lily corrected, “—fighting about?”

James shifted from foot to foot, trying not to look at Sunny’s body. Her body. She wasn’t a person anymore, but a body. “He told her he was a werewolf,” James explained, in a quieter tone. “And she told him she hated him. She called him a monster.”

A choked sob escaped Lily as the door burst open. James’s wand was drawn and pointed at the door before it had opened and inch. He lowered it when he saw the Headmaster, with two other figures behind him.

“Oh, good heavens!” Professor McGonagall cried, pushing past Dumbledore and kneeling next to Sunny. “Explain yourselves! Both of you!”

“Minerva,” said the other person, Madhura Patel. “I doubt Miss Evans or Mr. Potter killed their best friend.” James looked at her. She had gone pale and there was a haunted look in her eyes. Then he looked at the Headmaster.

He never wanted to see that look on Dumbledore’s face again. He looked guilty and old. Too old. He had the saddest expression on his face and when he spoke James shivered.

“How did this happen?”

“Ana Figg. We don’t know here she is. She has Lily’s wand,” said James quietly. He felt like he was going to be sick.

Dumbledore sighed. “We must find Miss Figg. Minerva, send an owl off to Arabella Figg, tell her what’s happening with her daughter. Then rally the teachers and have them meet me outside of Hagrid’s hut.” McGonagall left to do as he said. “Madhura, please take Lily and James up to my office. I will need to speak with them.”

“What about—what about Sunny?” Lily said. She seemed to be unable to form a sentence.

“Ah, yes,” Dumbledore said sadly. He turned towards the lit fire and pulled a pinch of Floo powder from his pocket. “Poppy,” he said clearly, and Miss Gauches’s head appeared in the fire. “Poppy, since your mother is not here I will need you to come down here immediately. There is no actual Floo connection so hurry, please.”

“Of course,” said Poppy eagerly, her head disappearing from the fireplace.

“I need to tell Remus,” James muttered, “and Sirius.”

“Ah, yes. Madhura, please stop at Gryffindor tower to bring along the necessary people to my office, where we shall explain this in depth.”

And with that, he swept out of the room.

“Why are we here, James?” Remus asked for the fourth time.

“Just hold on,” whispered James.

“You said that before.”

“Shut up, Remus,” Lily said sharply, before staring into space again.

“And what happened to you Lily? You look like you’ve been to hell and back,” Sirius said.

“I have,” choked Lily quietly.

“What,” Peter snorted in a stage whisper, “the dark?”

At this, Lily let out another choked, gut wrenching sob and James glared at Peter. “Fuck you, Peter,” he hissed quietly.

“I understand your need to swear, Mr. Potter, but please control yourself,” Patel spoke quietly from the corner. James jumped and flushed guiltily. He had forgotten the Professor was in the room.

“Will someone please tell me what is going on here? Where are Ana and Sunny? I’ve hardly seen them all night!” cried Sirius.

“Oh, don’t worry Padfoot. Nothing’s seriously wrong with their absence. Sunny just thinks I’m a bloody monster, so she’s avoiding me. That’s all. No worries. Then again, I am, right? All I am is a FUCKING MONSTER!”

“You are not a monster, Remus. Hardly. And I do believe you are owed and explanation.” Dumbledore walked slowly into the room, his eyes dull.

“Yea,” said Peter sullenly. He was still cross after James’s harsh rebuke.

“We just need to wait for Professor McGonagall,” said Dumbledore, taking a seat behind his desk. James took note of Fawkes’s absence.

“No need to wait, Albus, I’m here,” said McGonagall as she swept into the room. Her robes were ripped in several places and her hand was cut.

“What’s happening? What’s wrong?” asked Remus frantically. “I can smell the fear and the—the pain on all of you? What is it?”

“Late tonight…Ana Figg attacked Sunny Chi,” said Dumbledore. Sirius’s and Remus’s mouths dropped open.

“What?”

“Anabella was under the Imperius curse, we have found. After she attacked Sunny she ran off—into the Forbidden Forest,” continued Dumbledore.

“And where is Ana now?” Sirius asked, his knuckles white from gripping the arms of his chair so hard.

“And Sunny?” asked Remus anxiously.

Dumbledore closed his eyes and leaned back into his chair. “I’m so sorry. Neither made it.”

“NO!”

Everyone jumped and looked at Remus.

“She can’t be dead! Please, she can’t be dead!”

“But she is, Remus. And there is nothing we can do to bring Sunny back,” Dumbledore said softly.

“But—but—but how?” asked Remus, his eyes glistening with tears.

“Please explain, James.” Dumbledore directed his request—a command really—at James. Probably because Lily’s in no condition for an interrogation, James thought.

“I—wasn’t here when it happened. I came to get something I forgot down here and the lights were out. They wouldn’t turn on and then I heard someone breathing. Lily just threw herself at me and then she—“ James blushed and edited his story a little, “—then she told me what happened, after I lit a fire.”

“And what happened?” asked McGonagall.

“She said Ana had been acting weird, and today in the tower she told them she had to show them something, Lily and Sunny, that is. Lily said that when they got onto the grounds Ana took hers and Sunny’s wands. Then Sunny managed to get her wand from Ana and—“ James shut his mouth. He didn’t want to repeat it in front of Lily, as she might start crying again.

“And what?” asked Professor Patel gently.

“And then Ana disarmed her. And she flew across the room. Sunny did. And the lights went out before she hit the wall and I heard this sickening crunching noise, before the door slammed. She—she took my wand.” Lily had cut in and everyone looked at her, mildly shocked. “And then James came in and he heard me and asked who was there and I was so relieved to see someone that I just threw myself at him and—“ Lily stopped and dull red color began to rise in her cheeks as she realized what she’d done. “--and you know the rest,” she finished quietly. She kept her eyes carefully away from James’s.

Dumbledore was silent for a long moment. “Anabella Figg was attacked by something in the forest. We found her deep in the heart.”

“Who put Imperius on her?” asked Sirius, his voice shaking with something. Sorrow? Rage? James didn’t know.

“We don’t know. We can’t do a Priori Incatatem spell on every wand in the school,” said Dumbledore.

“So this will go unpunished?” whispered Peter.

“Unless we have a good idea of who performed the Imperius curse, then yes, this will go unpunished.”

“Bullshit,” whispered James.

“Control yourself, Mr. Potter!” Patel said again.

“I must write two very distressing letters. Please don’t do anything rash and please be careful. Something dark is afoot at Hogwarts,” Dumbledore pleaded.

“Let’s go,” Remus whispered, standing up and leaving the room without another word. James stared after him, and then jumped when Peter followed. James got up slowly, and looked at Lily worriedly.

“Lily?”

Lily looked at him as if seeing him for the first time. “Yes?”

“Are you coming?”

“Of course, James.”

She got up from her chair and joined Sirius at the door, hugging him tightly and kissing him before leaving with her arm in his.

“Right,” James said. He turned to go.

“Mr. Potter.”

James turned and looked expectantly at Dumbledore.

“Please give Miss Evans her wand.” He held out the wand to him and James grasped it, noting the excellent woodwork. “And remember, Mr. Potter. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.”

It took a minute for the impact of Dumbledore’s words to sink in. James’s head snapped up. “How—how do you know?” he breathed, almost frightened.

“I know almost everything that goes on this school of mine, Mr. Potter. You will do well to convince Mr. Black to do the right thing.”

“I see,” said James, walking out of the room as quickly as possible, not looking at McGonagall or Patel, even though he could feel their eyes on him.

He didn’t know if he could act indifferent to Lily. Hating her was so much easier.

“Well,” said James gloomily as he trudged along to Gryffindor tower, “I see I’ve been officially welcomed to hell.”

The empty corridors echoed with his words, and James couldn’t help but feel the ominous wave of dark that was descending around his ever-distressing life.

9. Chapter Eight: Letters

I own nothing.

Chapter 8: Letters

Death is terrifying, but it would be even more terrifying to find out that you are going to live forever and never die.

--Anton Pavlovich Chekhov

November 6, 1977

Almost a week later, Lily sat lazily at her seat in the Great Hall during breakfast, stirring her oatmeal absently. She didn’t look up as the Owl Post came in, only scooped up some of the mush and let it fall back into her bowl with an audible plop! Just then, there was strange choking noise from somewhere down the table, and Lily saw James spit out a mouthful of orange juice, spraying some on the unfortunate Remus, who was sitting across from him.

“Hey, James, watch with the waterworks, will you?” Lily called down to him. They were all bitter since Halloween night. Strangely, he said nothing, only stared at his letter. Lily watched his lips move and saw that his three friends had heard it. Their ears literally perked up.

Lily watched as Sirius, Remus, and Peter quickly turned to James, one of them (Lily couldn’t tell which) spilling his pumpkin juice all over the tablecloth.

“What?” Sirius yelled. “How the bloody hell—“

“Mr. Black!” Professor McGonagall cried from the Head table. “Watch your language!”

“Sorry professor,” said Sirius meekly, before turning back to James. He placed a hand on James’s shoulder.

Lily never wanted to see that expression on James’s face again. It was empty, completely and totally empty. He was clenching his fist hard and he held it out to Sirius, opening his fist so he could read the crumpled piece of paper it had enclosed.

Sirius quickly scanned the letter, passed it to Remus and Peter, and looked at the Head table. Lily followed his gaze. Dumbledore was staring at James, his eyes concerned. He gave a barely perceptible nod to Sirius, who helped James up from the table and led him out of the hall. Remus and Peter followed at a run.

Halfway through their third period, Herbology, Sirius, Remus, and Peter walked into the greenhouse with a pensive expressions on their faces. Sirius took a place next to Lily, absently kissing her softly on the mouth.

“What’s wrong?” she asked out of the corner of her mouth. Sirius shook his head.

“Can’t tell you,” he whispered back.

“And why not?” Lily whispered furiously.

He looked at her mournfully. “It isn’t something I can tell you Lily. Only James can do that.”

Lily snorted. “Yea, like I’d do that! He’d probably bite my head off!”

Sirius didn’t reply and returned to pruning the Gerlit Shrub. Was it her imagination, or did he look guilty all of a sudden?

“Look, Sirius. I’m sorry. It’s just—James doesn’t like me. It’s hard for me to understand why he changed when he stopped asking me out, how he isn’t nearly as arrogant anymore, but now—I just can’t help it. Insulting him is all I can do to keep my pride.” Lily blushed and looked down.

Sirius opened his mouth to say something but he seemed to think better of it. “I don’t know what to say, Lily,” he said softly to her.

James looked at the letter in the hand and crumpled it into a ball before throwing it down to the ground. He stared at it for a moment before biting his lip and picking it up again. He smoothed it out and traced the many creases in the paper, again reading the words he had memorized.

Dear James Godric Potter,

It is with great sorrow that we inform you of the death of you father, Henrich Potter. His contributions and service to the Ministry have been greatly appreciated. Your father will be remembered as one of the most outstanding Aurors of the century, and he was killed fighting. During an attack in a Muggle section of London he intercepted a killing curse that was about to hit a Muggle woman. His name will be remembered throughout time, and his memorial service will be held in two weeks’ time.

Enclosed is a letter sent by your stepmother.

With our deepest regrets,

The Ministry of Magic

Auror Division

Minister of Magic

Millicent Bagnold

James took a deep breath and looked at the envelope, which still remained intact. He had not looked at Evelyn’s letter yet.

Deciding that he might as well get it over with, he pulled the parchment out of the envelope and began to read.

Dear James,

I am sure by now that you have been informed by the Ministry. If you have not, I shall have to tell you myself. Your father was killed after he intercepted a killing curse about to hit a Muggle. He died valiantly and I hope this is of some comfort to you.

This letter sounds ridiculously formal. This is partly my fault. I have known you for ten years and been your stepmother for seven. In that time I never once tried to talk to you or understand you. This was mostly because I felt the competition between your dead mother and I and I thought you would too. I thought you hated me. Bloody hell, I still think you hate me.

I also wanted Emily to have a father. She was only just born when Antonin left me and I did not want her to remember a Death Eater as a father. So I worked as hard as I could to fill Harry’s time with Emily and pushed you out of the picture. I am sure that this has caused you emotional damage and I am eternally sorry.

And yet a part of me has always wished I could replace Aurelia as your mother. You did always seem to need it so much. I wished I could do for you what Harry did for Emily. It is hard for me to write this, but I was proud of you. I was proud of you when you became the house seeker, and I was proud that you were a Gryffindor, just like your father. I wanted to give you something I couldn’t, and I still wish I could.

And it seems it will never be. James, after you father’s memorial service I will be taking Emily and leaving for America. You are welcome to join me once you have finished your schooling. It is entirely your choice.

Until we see each other at Harry’s service,

Sincerely,

Evelyn Revenslew Dolohov Potter

James set down the letter carefully. Like hell she wants me to come with her, he thought dismissively. He let out a sigh and lay down on the cushions of the comfortable couch. He was in the Heads’ common room and he was going to stay there until he absolutely had to leave…

“Mr. Potter!”

James stopped his brisk strides and wiped at his eyes before looking at Professor Dumbledore. “Yea?” he asked gruffly.

“I assume you have read the letter the Ministry sent you?”

James nodded. “Did you know?”

“I was informed early this morning. Would you like to meet them?”

James stared at him blankly. “Who?”

“The Muggles your father saved.”

“They said he only saved one!”

“It was a couple,” said Dumbledore, beginning to walk. James unconsciously followed. “Both were brought here although only one was attacked. Ah, here they are.”

James looked uneasily at the two people in front of him. The woman was short and slightly plump, with ginger colored hair much lighter than his mother’s dark red. The man was rather tall with a distinguished air about him, although his face was unshaven and his brown hair speckled with gray was unkempt.

“This is James Potter,” said Dumbledore quietly. “It was his father that—“

He cut himself off as the woman stepped forward and hugged James. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “If we hadn’t…”

James was feeling slightly uncomfortable in this stranger’s embrace and he awkwardly hugged her back.

“We’d like to thank you,” said the man in a deep, gravelly voice.

“Don’t,” said James. “Thank my dad. I don’t—I don’t blame you or anything.”

He’d lied. He blamed them for existing, blamed them for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He blamed them for everything. His father was dead and these people were alive.

And he never said it out loud…

My Dearest Remus,

If you receive this letter, I will be dead.

Accept it and move on. Don’t mourn forever. Had our places been switched I probably wouldn’t have taken this advice, but I must try to make you understand. My death is inevitable. Have you ever wondered why I hate my parents so much? They are Chinese Muggles. The Chinese are very conservative people, and when I got me letter my parents did not take well to the idea that I was a witch. I could be healed by magic in a second, but my parents forbid the use of magic on my heart, which is rapidly deteriorating.

I have to obey them.

Tradition and respect are not taken lightly where I come from. Hogwarts is my home. A place where I can be myself, where I can talk freely without being scolded.

In the two years we have been together, I never suspected you were a werewolf. I believed you when you said you were sick and I listened to every excuse. I loved my sister very much, and the fact that she was killed by a werewolf does not mean I must hate you because you are one.

But I still told you I hated you.

Oh, Remus. I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. You are just a man who was unlucky enough to get bitten. You are the kindest person I know and the fact that you turn into a werewolf every month doesn’t change that.

If I should die before I can work up the courage to tell you this, let me say it now.

I don’t know if you feel the same, Remus, but let me tell you that at this very moment I think I may just love you. It physically hurts me how much I care for you. Who knows? Maybe we’ll grow up and get married and have little children running around a cottage with a white picket fence, no matter how disgustingly cliché that sounds.

Or maybe I’ll be gone.

Give me the gift of love Remus. Love me, please, but don’t emotionally destroy yourself because I’m gone. Don’t distance yourself, Remus. Don’t avoid other women. Love as freely as you can, and try to give your heart. Don’t make me hold you back, I don’t want that.

Don’t dwell on me. You will have other loves. Don’t be mad at yourself if you forget for me for a moment and smile. Let yourself smile. And...I’ll be watching. I’ll never forget you, love.

But if you’re ever alone at night with nobody to think of, nobody to hold, then you can remember me, if only for the briefest fleeting second, like the shooting stars that you will see. When you are wild with rage because of your inner wolf, be calmed by my presence…and love, Remus. Love passionately and don’t hold back.

Ever.

RemembermewhenIamgoneaway,
Gonefarawayintothesilentland;
Whenyoucannomoreholdmebythehand,
NorIhalfturntogoyetturningstay.
Remembermewhennomoredaybyday
Youtellmeofourfuturethatyouplann'd:
Onlyrememberme;youunderstand
Itwillbelatetocounselthenorpray.
Yetifyoushouldforgetmeforawhile
Andafterwardsremember,donotgrieve:
Forifthedarknessandcorruptionleave
AvestigeofthethoughtsthatonceIhad,
Betterbyfaryoushouldforgetandsmile
Thanthatyoushouldrememberandbesad.

With all the love I will ever posses,

Sunny.

Remus stared at the letter for a full minute before he let the tears brimming in his eyes fall. He had received it by owl post at lunch, and his curiosity had been piqued as post didn’t come at lunch. He had instantly recognized the handwriting. Instead of opening it at the table, he had waited until Charms had started.

He was skiving class for the first time that year.

And he didn’t care.

Not a bit.

Sunny was dead. She wasn’t coming back, it was no joke. She was really dead. But…when he had seen that owl, a part of him had hoped, had ached for her so badly it became constant. He wanted to see her, touch her, kiss her, and make love to her like he never had before. Where she used to be there was this deep, dark ache in his soul.

Accept it? How could he accept that he would never see her again? There wasn’t any way he could accept it. And how could Sunny have not told him that she knew she was going to die. She knew. Had she told Lily?

And how could Sunny doubt that he loved her? How could she have been scared to tell him that she loved him? And how could she tell him to move on, not to dwell on her, to love another woman? It simply wouldn’t be possible.

With great care, Remus folded up the letter and slipped it into the pocket of his robes. He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and ordered himself not to cry. Lily hadn’t cried, although she had sat and stared blankly at the wall every so often.

Remus smiled slightly as he remembered how Lily hadn’t berated James for hexing Snape.

“Is the mudblood going to cry because her best friends are dead?”

James and Sirius pulled out their wands and both hexed Snape, James with the Pickled Tongue hex, and Sirius with the Furnunculus hex.

Snape tried to yell something at the two boys but his tongue would not allow it. Lily only looked on, a slight smiled touching her pretty face, although she did grab Remus’s robes to prevent him from killing the Slytherin.

Remus stopped smiling as he remembered what had happened a few minutes after that episode.

“Sunny and Ana will love hearing about this…” Lily said excitedly, trailing off as she realized Sunny wouldn’t be able to enjoy the anecdote. All of them had been doing this lately, talking as if Ana and Sunny were still alive.

It was absurd. They were seventeen. How could they be dead? They hadn’t even experienced life. Not really, and now they would never be able to.

Oh, the irony.

He hated this. He hated it all. Life was bloody unfair and he couldn’t do anything about it. There was one thing, one thought that made sense to Remus. One thing he knew.

Her killer would pay. Not Ana, but her real killer. Remus was almost certain he knew exactly who, indirectly, was behind this.

Voldemort.

Lily was sitting with her back to a couch staring into the common room fire. She was hidden from general view and didn’t bother to move when she heard the portrait hole open and close.

“You know,” she heard Sirius whisper, “I think we’ve ruined a friendship, guys. And, it’s mostly my fault! If I hadn’t accepted the wager, I mean, I knew how James felt, but I thought he was over it so I took the bet anyways, and then it all went to hell!”

“It isn’t your fault,” Remus said, almost mechanically.

“It isn’t,” Peter backed. “It never really can be. If anything, it was mine—I—I shouldn’t have—but I didn’t know how he felt! He didn’t tell me!”

“Yea, we know Peter,” said Sirius. “He only told me, because I asked him about it. Although in the beginning he was bloody obvious about it! It isn’t any of our faults. We just didn’t realize what we were saying. You were only joking around, but the Betting Charm…”

“So why does he act like he hates Lily?” said Remus suddenly.

“I don’t know. And the way it is, she doesn’t even hate him, guys. Not anymore. She might have once, but now I can tell that she doesn’t. She’s just defensive,” Sirius explained. He sounded like he was going to cry. “They could have been such good friends!” Lily knew she shouldn’t be listening, but it was too tempting. She didn’t know what they had been talking about before, but now they were talking about her!

“How is James anyway?” Peter asked. Sirius drew a shuddering breath.

“It hurts, guys. We’ve known each other…you know? Even though my parent’s didn’t approve. Evelyn…really loves Mr. Potter.”

Their voices gradually faded as they made their way to their dormitory, and Lily popped her head up from behind the couch. What on earth did I just hear? she wondered. She hadn’t even understood half of it. Slowly, she stood and sat on the couch.

Something has happened to James. Something bad. And—there’s something about a bet, a wager, a dare that ruined James’s and mine friendship. Oh, I bet anything that James has been dared to insult me because he used to fancy me. But…does that mean he still fancies me?

“Miss Evans!”

Lily snapped to attention and looked up, blushing. “Sorry, Professor.”

“It would behoove you to pay more attention,” said McGonagall. “You are to go to Dumbledore’s office. The password is ‘sugar quill.’”

“Why does he want me?”

McGonagall hesitated. “Your…your parents are here.”

Lily’s mouth dropped open. “My—“

“It will all be explained in the Headmaster’s office. Hurry along now.”

Lily opened her mouth to argue but didn’t see the point. “Alright,” she sighed. “Let me just tell Sunny and Ana where I’m…” she trailed off and looked down. “I’m coming,” she said after a moment.

My parents? Lily thought as she walked through the halls to the headmaster’s office. How can they even see Hogwarts?

Lily gave the password at the gargoyle and entered, still pondering as she walked through the wooden office door.

“Lily!” her mother said, rushing forward and enveloping Lily in her arms.

“Mum? What are you doing here?”

“Lily,” said her father, stepping forward to hug her, his unshaven cheek scraping against her soft one.

“How can you see this place?”

“They were shown a picture and since they knew Hogwarts was without a doubt there, they are able to see it,” explained professor Dumbledore from behind his desk. “There are loopholes to almost all illusionary charms.”

“How are you, Lily?” asked her mother quietly. “Are you alright?”

Lily nodded her head, and then shook it. Tears welled in her eyes and she shakily hugged her mother around the neck. “No,” she sobbed. “I’m not okay.” In small pieces, Sunny and Ana’s story came out.

“Oh, Lily,” sighed her mother, sharing a glance with her husband over Lily’s head. “It will be okay.”

“No it won’t be!” cried Lily. “They aren’t coming back! I could’ve stopped it from happening! If I had just—“ she cut herself off as she realized what she had said. She hadn’t told anyone that she was blaming herself.

“This is not your fault, Lily,” said her father firmly. “Nothing is your fault. We don’t blame you.”

“Petunia does,” she sniffled softly, accepting a handkerchief from the headmaster.

“No she doesn’t,” lied her mother. Now they were talking about something entirely different, and they wouldn’t acknowledge it.

“Now I think we should leave, your father and I have to have a long talk.”

Lily smiled sadly at them. “Alright.”

After her parents left Lily ran to the third floor; she was incredibly late for Ancient Magic. She clattered noisily down the steps and ignored that stares as she mounted the steps of the platform. Patel looked at her with interest.

“Do you have an excuse?”

Lily bit her lip. “I was at the headmaster’s office,” she said.

“Take a seat. You haven’t missed anything you can’t learn in the library. Ask a peer for notes.”

Lily sat down behind Maria Danes and watched as Patel wrote branches of magic on the board. She felt sleepy, drugged. There was something about the way Patel moved, something about the way she smiled, something so familiar. She knew this woman from somewhere. She just couldn’t remember who she was.

“Lily?”

Lily jumped and let out a small yelp. “Sirius! You scared me!” He must have walked down to get her.

“Come on,” he said. “Let’s get out of this dump.”

Lily glared at him, highly affronted. “I like this class,” she said, standing up and reaching for her bag. She grabbed for empty air and realized she hadn’t brought it with her.

“It didn’t seem as if you liked it very much when you were daydreaming,” Sirius snorted.

Lily rolled her eyes. “I was just…tired. My parents were here.”

“But they’re Muggles!” said Sirius.

Lily shrugged. “Yea, some loophole in the illusionary charms. They know it’s here and they were shown a picture. Therefore they can see it.”

“Have you seen…” Sirius looked around to make sure no one was there. “Have you seen James?”

Lily shook her head. “He wasn’t here?”

Sirius sighed. “No, he wasn’t. I think he’s in the Heads’ room.” He was looking at her expectantly.

“What’s wrong with him?” Lily asked, beginning to walk out of the amphitheater. “Why didn’t he come? He loves the class.”

Sirius looked uneasy. “I…he’s just sad. He won’t come out.”

“Why?”

“Just because,” Sirius snapped.

“Okay,” Lily said softly.

“I didn’t mean to be harsh,” Sirius said, taking her hand and intertwining his fingers with hers. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” said Lily. “Do you want me to…do you want me to let you into the Heads’ room.”

“Can you go?” asked Sirius abruptly.

“What? No!”

“Well why not?”

“Just because!”

“Please Lily! He won’t talk to any of us!”

“But he’ll talk to me?”

“YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE!” he bellowed suddenly.

“What?” asked Lily. “I know what what’s like?”

“Just please go in there, Lily. Please.”

Lily looked down and sighed. “Alright. I’ll talk to him.”

Sirius smiled. “Good,” he murmured, kissing her lightly on the mouth.

“Well, I’m going now,” said Lily irritably.

“Why now?”

“Because I feel like,” she shrugged, squeezing his hand and letting go. He met her eyes and something passed between them, some understanding that things were never going to be the same.

“Right,” he muttered, licking his lips and walking away.

Lily sighed. She was dreading talking to James.

“James?” She gingerly shut the portrait hole and scanned the room. He was asleep on the sofa. “James?” she repeated, louder this time. He stirred slightly and opened his eyes. Blearily, he looked around the room and stared at her for a moment before finally realizing she was there.

“Hey, Evans,” he said softly and slowly. Lily frowned. He hadn’t called her Evans in a while.

“No cutting remarks?” she asked. “Just…’hey, Evans’?”

James shrugged. “I guess so.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Tear tracks all over your face. Red eyes. You have—bloody hell, Potter! What happened to your arm?”

James looked down at the perfectly shaped crescent moons in her arms and frowned. “I dug my nails into my skin too hard, I guess,” he said carelessly.

“And why’s that?” Lily demanded, grabbing his arm and dabbing at it wither her handkerchief. Realizing that wasn’t going to help, she pulled out her wand and did a quick healing charm.

James just shook his head and handed a crumpled piece of paper to it. Lily heaved a sigh of frustration and took it from him. How is a stupid piece of paper going to…oh, damn!

The paper fell from her fingers and she looked up at James. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

James sighed. “I know. It’s hard to—“

“—lose someone close to you? Yea, I know,” said Lily quietly.

“This is crazy. I just gave my arch nemesis information that is likely to make me cry. I’ve gone mad.”

Lily shook her head. “Snape.”

“I see your point,” said James. “Although you never liked me.”

Lily shrugged. “You’ve changed,” she told him.

James sighed and flopped back on the couch. Lily lay back on the other side so her feet were near his chest. “I can’t believe I’m sitting on a couch with you and you haven’t pushed me off.”

“You just jinxed yourself, Potter,” Lily smirked. “But I’ll take pity.”

“Thanks,” James said quietly, and Lily knew he was thanking her for more that her mercy.

“Not a problem.”

“Did Sirius send you here?” asked James abruptly.

“I—“

“Of course he did,” said James. “He always loves to meddle. I met them.”

“Huh?” Lily asked stupidly. “What are you talking—“

“The Muggles my father saved. I met them.”

“And they could see Hogwarts?” asked Lily dubiously.

James shrugged. “Never thought of it.”

Lily froze and she almost stopped breathing. “James…” she whispered. “…what did the Muggles look like?”

“Woman had orange hair, lighter than yours. Man was tall, brownish gray hair—“

“James!”

“What?”

“They’re—they’re my parents.”

James went motionless and stared at her. “Right…”

“I’m—I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be.”

“Is there anything I can—“

“Can I be alone?”

Lily looked down at her hands. “Of course…James. I’ll tell Sirius and the rest you’re alright.”

“Thanks, Evans.”

“Goodnight, James,” Lily said politely, exiting the room as fast as she could.

November 8, 1977

Dear Lily,

This has been one of the hardest decisions we have ever had to make in our lives, but your father and I have decided to pull you out of Hogwarts. We had already been considering this and hearing about your friends’ deaths only cemented the idea. We know that you don’t want to leave your friends, but perhaps in a few years, after everything has calmed down, you can complete your education. We will be informing Dumbledore of our decision shortly, and we will give you a week to spend with your friends.

Love,

Mum and Dad.

“They can’t do this!” cried Lily.

“Do what, Evans?” asked James tiredly, his head resting on his hand and his elbow resting on the table near the eggs.

“They’re going to take me out of Hogwarts!” said Lily, tears coming to her eyes.

James’s elbow slipped off the table and his head hit the wood. The platter of eggs jumped into the air and came down with a clatter. James looked up, his glasses askew and pieces of egg in his hair. “They can’t do that!” he said loudly.

“Why do you care?” asked Peter, stuffing his mouth with some toast.

“Because—because—“ sputtered James, “Because the next candidate for head girl is Bellatrix!”

“Bella—Sirius’s cousin!”

“That girl is pure evil!” James said, shaking his head.

“She’s a bitch, too,” said Sirius, sitting down across from James. “Lily—why are you crying?”

Lily handed him the letter and he scanned it, his eyes widening.

“They can’t do that!”

“It’s been said,” remarked Remus quietly, stirring a bowl of cereal with his spoon.

“Well, what are we going to do?” asked Sirius.

“We?” said Remus.

“We,” confirmed James. “It’s time to plan the mother of all pranks.”

“Would helping Lily stay really be considered a prank?” Sirius asked.

James simply rolled his eyes.

“I know what we can do,” Peter said suddenly. “James and Remus, you’re going to be preofessors. Sirius, you’re Lily’s boyfriend.”

“No shit?”

Peter laughed nervously. “Yea.”

“I’m going to take that as an insult,” said James.

“Do you think…glamour spells?” asked Remus, getting into the spirit of things.

“Yea,” said Sirius.

“I don’t get it,” Lily finally said. “What are you going to do?”

“We’re going to pay a little visit to your parents, Lily,” said Sirius. “James and Remus here are going to be Dumbledore and McGonagall. And I get to be…“

“The poor boyfriend…” continued Sirius.

“Who just lost his father…” added Remus.

“And needs your support,” finished Peter.

“How are we going to get out of Hogwarts?” Lily asked.

“You’re coming to my father’s funeral,” said James softly.

10. Chapter Nine: Foreshadowing

I own nothing.

Chapter 9: Foreshadowing

[You, by Switchfoot]

November 16, 1977

“Ow, James! You stepped on my foot!”

“Don’t be such a baby Peter.”

“Will you both shut up?”

“Go away, Siri-poo.”

“That was un-called for. And traumatizing. Never call me that again.”

“Can we please hurry?” said a raspy voice.

“Yea,” said James. “Come on guys, Remus wants us to hurry.”

“Are you okay, mate?” asked Peter.

“Yea, I’m fine. We’re just a little behind schedule tonight.”

“Are you okay, Sirius?” asked James. His friend was being unusually quiet.

“What? Oh, yea. I’m fine. Life’s brill.”

James raised his eyebrows. “Right…” he said as they passed through the doors of the Great Hall. “Where’s Evans tonight?”

“Library. Things have been a lot easier since she knows Remus is a werewolf. A lot less sneaking around. Although she’s probably in the library trying to find out how we’re staying with Remus…”

James stopped dead in his tracks and so did the other three boys. “What? Do you know how smart that girl is? What makes you think she won’t figure it out?”

“I pointed her in the wrong direction,” Sirius shrugged, not offering anymore information. The other boys tried to drag it out but he kept his mouth shut.

“So, this Sunday, huh?” asked said Peter, changing the subject.

A tense silence filled the air under the cloak and Sirius hit Peter lightly on the shoulder.

“Yea,” said James. “His funeral is this Sunday.”

“And Evelyn?” asked Sirius eagerly.

“Really, Sirius,” Remus chided. “If you didn’t have Lily as a girlfriend I’d think you were in love with Evelyn!”

“So…I still don’t understand how we’re going to do this,” said Sirius.

“Do what?” James said as Peter transformed and touched the knot that froze the willow.

“How we’re going to get Lily’s parents to—James!”

James tripped over a root and sprawled on the ground. He winced in pain as his ankle twisted uncomfortably and something sharp dug into his thigh. “Damn,” he swore quietly. “Damn, damn, damn.”

“Go, Remus!” Sirius cried loudly. “Go now!”

There was flurry of robes as Remus ran down the tunnel as fast as he could. Sirius grabbed James under the armpits and dragged him out of reach of the willow’s branches. “Where’s Peter?” Sirius growled as James tried to sit up.

“I think he went down. Sirius, I can’t do this tonight!”

Sirius hesitated for a moment. “I’ll take you to the hospital wing.”

“But Remus—“

“I’ll just make sure you get into the castle, okay? Then if anyone finds you the penalty won’t be as harsh.”

“Okay, mate,” James sighed. “Fine.”

“Good,” said Sirius. He pulled James to his feet and supported him as they walked back to the castle. Once inside, James leaned against the wall and Sirius strode back out to the Great Doors. There was a slam of doors closing and James shrunk back into the shadows as Filch grabbed Sirius by the arm.

“So, thought you’d sneak out of the castle, eh? You’re going to get suspended for this one, Black! Come on, to my office!”

James watched in dismay as Sirius was led off. He threw a look at James over his shoulder and James hesitated before moving towards the great staircase. Remus could take care of himself, just this one night…and he had Peter…just this one night.

James fell to the ground for the second time that night as someone crashed into him. Unfortunately, he was on a flight of stairs and he slid down a few before his senses returned and he grabbed the railing.

“Oh, shit!” said a soft voice above him. He looked up.

“Evans! What the hell are you doing down here?”

“Potter? Oh, you have no idea how good it is to hear your voice!”

There was silence before James spoke slowly. “I’m sorry, have we met? My name is James Potter. And yours would be—“

“Stop it, James! How is everyone?”

“What are you talking about? Well, I suppose Sirius is with Filch because he got caught leaving again and Peter and Remus are down at the willow.”

“And Snape?”

James froze. He literally stopped breathing. Sirius had to have been joking…

Snape walked off after delivering his latest insult about James’s father. James stared after him with a white face as Lily approached them from the dinner table.

“Mind if I throw him in the Shrieking Shack with Remus?” Sirius asked sarcastically.

“Not at all,” James said with a straight face.

“Fuck!” he yelled. “How do you…”

“I heard him in the library. He was talking to himself. Saying horrible things about you and Sirius and Remus and Peter and how he was finally going to figure out what you were all up to.”

“Evans, whatever you do, you stay here. Do you understand me? You are not going to go out there! You have no way of protecting yourself,” he said, hauling himself to his feet. His ankle was slightly better, but not by much.

“And you do? I’m coming with you!”

James gritted his teeth. They were just wasting time. “Listen, Evans. Just—find a way to help Sirius. Get him out of Filch’s office and whatever you do, don’t get caught. You can’t afford to get caught.”

Lily opened her mouth to protest but James was already hobbling down the steps. He slammed open the doors, not caring how much noise he made, and walked as fast as he could with his injured ankle to the willow. The branches were just beginning to move again and James picked up a stick that was handily lying on the ground. He quickly prodded the knot in the tree and ducked into the tunnel.

It was musty and dank as always. James thought he saw the imprints of footsteps in the dim light filtering from the opening, but he may have imagined them. His ankle as throbbing painfully but her ignored it, supporting himself against the tunnel wall as he dragged himself along.

He heard the sounds of laboured breathing ahead of him and quickened his pace. He considered changing into his stag form but dismissed the idea. A leg injury on an animal was much worse than one on a human.

Snape came into view and James called out to him. “Snape! Stop!”

The Slytherin boy whirled to look at James and bared his teeth. “Potter,” he spat. “What are you doing down here?”

“Stop moving!” ordered James. “You don’t want to keep on moving! You aren’t going to like what’s at the end of this tunnel.”

“Lupin’s down there, isn’t he? There’s something strange about Lupin and I’m going to find out!” Snape cried turning and walking away briskly. James felt for his wand in his pocket so he could perform a stunning spell and realized with a start that it wasn’t there.

He searched frantically on the ground for his wand and swore viciously when he didn’t find it. “Accio!” he muttered desperately. Nothing happened and he hurried forward to stop Snape, limping slightly. He could hear agonized cries echoing down the passage as they drew closer to the place where Remus was transforming.

“Snape,” James snarled, “if you don’t stop walking…” The end of the tunnel was in sight and James noticed with a detached sort of horror that the door leading to the shack was open.

The agonized screams stopped slightly and so did the two boys in the tunnel. James’s ankle, which had seemed to be better before, was now aching as if someone had hit it repeatedly with a hammer.

The hairs on the back of James’s neck stood up and he snapped out of his reverie, hurrying forward and grabbing Snape’s robes. Snape whirled and kicked James in the leg, hitting the spot just above his kneecap. James’s ankle crumpled and he fell to the ground.

“Snape, you bastard! Don’t you see that—point that thing somewhere else!”

Growls and snapping sounds could be heard behind the door as Snape pointed his wand squarely between James’s eyes.

“For years I’ve watched you get all the glory,” he spat. “I’ve watched you weasel your way out of detention and suspension and expulsion. You’re nothing but an arrogant bastard without any parents and you think you’re better than me. They all think you’re a damn pureblood,” he whispered, a manic glint in his eyes. “Well I know better. Your mum was a mudblood and I’m going to tell the entire world the first chance I get. You and your idiotic friends are stupid if you think I wouldn’t figure it out! Are you sneaking off to Hogsmeade every month? Does Lupin feed some disgusting pet and you’re down here to help him? I’m going to find out and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

“Snape,” James began cautiously, but he was cut off as a loud scratching sound was heard against the door. Snape dropped his wand and it rolled away, sliding down the slanting ground.

Snape cursed and James struggled to his feet, resting his weight on his right leg and letting his left ankle rest. “Come on, Snape!” he shouted, frustrated. “We have to go!”

Something hard hit the back of James’s head just as a loud ripping sound was heard from behind the door. Snape jumped and James was oddly satisfied by his fright. James reached for whatever had hit him and gaped as he recognized his wand. I summoned it, but I didn’t have a wand to do it…

Without thinking he pointed his wand at Snape just as the door burst open and a fully grown werewolf burst from the shack. Snape backed up as Remus snarled at him and bared his teeth.

“Stupefy!” James shouted, watching with satisfaction as Snape fell to the ground. “Mobilicorpus!” he said then, flicking his wand and sending Snape back to the mouth of the tunnel. He was so distracted by this he didn’t realize that Remus had jumped at him.

“Aaa!” he cried, hissing in pain as the werewolf’s claws dug into his arm. “Damn, Remus! It’s me.”

His attempts of telling his friend who he was failed and he brought up his wand with shaking hands and pointed it at the werewolf, who had backed up and was getting ready to pounce.

In a split second a millions thoughts passed through James’s head. He’s my best friend and I’ve never pointed a wand at him in my life, and here I am about ready to blast him into a wall…

“Expelliramus!” he cried, uttering the disarming charm. Remus flew back into the room and his furry body hit the back wall with a sickening thud. A small form scurried out of the room and down the tunnel. Thanks for the help, Peter, James thought bitterly.

With a sigh he stepped into the room, shutting the door and locking it behind him. He trained his wand on his friend again, his hand shaking. He could transform but he just didn’t have the energy, and he readied himself for a long night.

James and Remus lay in their respective beds in the hospital wing; James was staring at the ceiling with is arms folded beneath his head, and Remus was sleeping. He looked incredibly worn out as it was and he needed the rest.

This is mad, James thought. I can’t believe Sirius is such an idiotic prat…

“James?”

James sat up in his bed and glared at his friend.

“What do you want?” he asked, cringing as he realized he sounded like a petty two year old.

“I wanted to—to—“

“To apologize?” James suggested harshly. “Is that what you want? Did you know?”

Peter whimpered slightly and backed away. “I didn’t—he made me promise not to—“

“Are you mad?” asked James incredulously. “Snape could’ve died!”

“Wh-why do you care anyways?” asked Peter. “You hate Snape. You said yourself; he’s going to end up serving You-Know-Who because he’s so obsessed with the Dark Arts. Wh-why do you care?”

“Not enough to kill him!” hissed James. “Don’t you realize that’s just going to bring you down to his bloody level? Do you want to be like Snape, Peter?”

“Well then why aren’t you yelling at Sirius?” Peter said hotly. “You think you’re so important because you have the Head Boy badge! You aren’t perfect at all. You’re just a—“

“That’s enough, Peter,” said a soft voice from the doorway of the hospital wing. “Leave him alone.”

“And you!” said Peter, his voice quivering. “Prancing around with Sirius and flirting with James all the while. You make me—“

“Wormtail,” snapped James angrily, “she’s right. That’s enough.”

“Fine,” muttered Peter, pushing past Lily and slamming the door to the wing shut behind him. James was amazed that Snape, who was lying in the bed on the other side of him, didn’t wake up.

“I don’t understand,” cried James. “He’s never said anything like that before!”

“I think it’s been building up for a long time,” said Lily quietly, standing by his bedside and glaring at him.

“What’s wrong with you?” asked James.

“How dare you!” hissed Lily. “You lured Snape down there! He could have been seriously hurt!”

“But you heard him yesterday! You didn’t blame me when we met on the stairway!”

“I was worried!” cried Lily. “All of you and Snape were out there! I can’t believe you would be so petty and childish as to do something like this! You could’ve killed him!”

“What’s he ever done to defend you?” asked James angrily. This is ridiculous. How can she think I would do something like that?

“I thought you had changed!” shouted Lily. “I really thought you had! I was actually starting to—to value you as a bloody friend!”

That isn’t what she was going to say…

“You make me sick. What kind of selfish, arrogant, childish, bastard would do something so—so cruel to another human being?”

“I would,” someone said. Sirius stepped into the room and shut the door with a foreboding click. “I did it, Lily. I lured him out there. I didn’t mean to—“

Lily turned her face from Sirius’s explanation and looked at James, who had pulled on his robes over the hospital pyjamas. Her face was pale and her green eyes stood out shockingly bright. “I’m sorry,” she murmured. “You’re just—“

“--always the culprit,” said James bitterly. “I’m the easy one to blame. I was prick for four years so I may as well be one for the rest of my bloody life. Don’t worry, Evans, you’ve made this quite clear and I’m sure I’ll be getting over it sometime soon.” He snatched up his wand from the bedside table and shoved his glasses on his face. “Now, if you’ll both excuse me, I have to go do something other that be in your—“ he glanced pointedly at Lily— “presence.” He roughly pushed past Sirius and paused with his hand on the door handle. “You might not want to be here when Moony wakes up because he doesn’t know yet, and I doubt he’ll want to talk to you much after he does know.”

He left the hospital wing, slamming the door resolutely behind him.

“Where are you going, Potter?” asked McGonagall brusquely as he passed her.

“Anywhere else,” muttered James sarcastically.

“I very much doubt it,” said McGonagall firmly, pointing a finger towards the hospital wing. “The headmaster wishes to see you and your friends in the hospital wing immediately. I take it you did not ask Madam Gauche’s permission before leaving?” The transfiguration professor did not wait for an answer but instead pushed James slightly in the back. He inwardly groaned as he turned and trudged back to the hospital wing.

Lily was still there when he opened the door and Peter had returned. The headmaster was nowhere to be seen. Remus was sitting up in bed with a wan look on his face and Sirius was leaning against the back wall, a sullen expression on his face. Lily looked oddly satisfied with herself and James assumed she had blessed Sirius out. Snape was sitting in a hospital bed with his arms crossed. He was glaring at James.

“Miss Evans, you have to leave,” said McGonagall gently. Lily opened her mouth to say something but James beat her to it.

“No, Evans will stay,” he said, not looking at her but instead staring at the wall behind her.

“Mr. Potter, I hardly think that—“

“Minerva.”

McGonagall stopped talking and Professor Dumbledore stepped into the room. “Good morning,” he greeted cordially. “Are you feeling alright?” he asked Remus.

“I’m fine. I’m confused. Why is everyone here?”

“Sirius thought it would be funny to kill Snape!” cried Lily. Remus’s face drained of all colour and he turned to his friend.

“You—you—“

“I did,” confirmed Sirius.

“You idiot!” Remus exploded. “We could have all been—been—“

“Killed?” Sirius supplied calmly. “I know,” he added quietly. “I didn’t mean to—“

“That’s no excuse, Sirius!” Lily yelled. “You let your hatred for him cloud your judgment! Did it occur to you that if Remus hurt Snape he would be executed?”

Sirius looked slightly shocked and his mouth dropped open. “I…”

“Yes!” snapped Lily. “You aren’t two years old anymore, Sirius. You should know better! You’re going to be bloody expelled and then what do you expect me to do? I asked my parents if I could stay for a few extra days for you and now you’re leaving!”

Sirius hung his head. “I’m sorry, Remus,” he said brokenly. “I’ll be going to pack then, right?” He shuffled slowly towards the door.

“And why ever would you be going to pack?” asked McGonagall grimly.

“Because you’re expelling me,” said Sirius.

“No we aren’t,” replied McGonagall. She pointed to a chair and Sirius, shell-shocked, sat down.

“What?” hissed Snape. “You aren’t expelling him? He tried to kill me!”

“Well if you hadn’t stuck your big nose where it didn’t belong he never would have tried to—“ began Peter heatedly.

“Peter,” said Remus. Peter closed his mouth and clenched his fists at his sides.

“You will be suspended. For a week. After you return to Hogwarts you will not be able to attend any balls, Quidditch games, or extracurricular activities until January. We considered not letting you sit for your N.E.W.Ts but decided against it.”

“No Quidditch?” asked Sirius feebly. McGonagall nodded.

Dumbledore spoke. “100 points will be removed from Gryffindor for this foolish prank. An additional 50 points will be taken from Gryffindor for being out of bounds, Mr. Potter. However, you will be awarded 60 for you excellent bravery in saving Mr. Snape. 50 points will be removed from Slytherin because you, Mr. Snape, were also out of bounds. You will not tell anyone of what you know about Mr. Lupin.”

Snape fumed. “Fifty—but—but Black tried to—you’ll be hearing from my parents!” he cried.

“Indeed I shall,” said Dumbledore. “I expect to see you in the entrance hall in twenty minutes, Mr. Black. The rest of you are dismissed. At least,” he said with an obvious glance at Snape, “those of you who Madam Gauche deems cured and healthy.”

“You’ll need to take this pain potion,” said Madam Gauche handing James a vial of blue liquid. He downed it and coolness spread over his body, absorbing into his skin. His arm tingled and he raised the sleeve of his robes to look at the cuts on his arm. There was no evidence of them except for a slight pinkness where the slashes used to be.

McGonagall and Dumbledore left the room, followed closely by Peter. With a nervous glance at Remus, James, and Lily, Sirius headed for the door. “I’ll just go pack, then,” he said, clearing his throat and leaving the room. James, Remus, Lily, and Snape stared at each other awkwardly.

“Are you feeling alright?” Lily asked Remus. He shot her a look and she blushed slightly.

“Oh, I’m just perfect, thank you very much! What was he thinking?”

“He obviously wasn’t,” muttered James.

“Don’t you dare try to pin this solely on Black!” spoke up Snape. “You all know that you had as much to do with it as he does! It makes me sick, how you’ll just let him take the blame for all your stupidity.”

“Oh, yea, and if we were Avery and Malfoy you would be jumping in to take the blame, wouldn’t you?” asked Remus sarcastically. “You’re one to talk about bleeding loyalty, Snape!”

“You’re just a pathetic excuse for a person, Lupin,” hissed Snape. “You’re a bloody monster and you don’t deserve to be here. If anything you should be dead, buried, and in the ground! But you’re too busy shagging half the school’s population to think about anyone else! You thought it would be a great laugh, didn’t you? I’d love to see what your dead slag thinks--”

James lunged for Snape but Lily got there first. The sound of her palm connecting with Snape’s cheek resounded in the silent room. “Don’t you ever talk about my best friend like that again,” she whispered harshly, whirling from the Slytherin and running out of the wing. James was sorely tempted to run after her but instead stayed where he was, leaning closer to Snape. He almost gagged from the smell of his hair.

“You heard her,” James whispered menacingly. “One more word about Sunny or Ana or my mother or my father and I won’t hesitate to kill you with my bare hands. Remus and Sirius will have nothing to do with it!”

“What’s this, now?” asked a sweet, clear voice from the doorway. “We can’t have you boys fighting. You and Snape can leave, James. But Mr. Lupin has to stay for a few hours more.”

James smiled tightly at Poppy Gauche as Remus flopped back on his bed with a slight groan.

“Alright, alright, I’m leaving,” he murmured. He shot one last glare at Snape before exiting the room and heading off to say goodbye to Sirius.

November 20, 1977

“I can’t believe we’re missing Patel’s class,” mumbled Lily, slouching in her seat and watching the countryside speed by.

“Yea,” said James quietly. He really didn’t want to talk about Patel’s class when he was going off to his father’s funeral. “I can’t believe I have to play your fucking boyfriend. It would have been so much better if we’d impersonated Dumbledore and McGonagall.”

“Don’t swear. And it’s Sirius’s own fault he’s at Andromeda’s.”

“True. And we can’t ask Peter to play a teacher.”

“So is Sirius meeting us at the…funeral?”

“Yea.”

“Are we going to my parent’s house first?”

“Yea.”

“Do I still have to pretend you’re my boyfriend?”

“Yea.”

“Is Remus really only in the loo, or is he snogging with Peter?”

“Ye—hey, I need to go wash out my eyes with acid now! Thanks Evans!”

“Anytime, James, anytime.”

He smiled slightly and shook his head.

“Hey, I made you smile! Ten points for me! Ha!”

James slowly banged his head against the window, once, twice, three times. I’m stuck with a nutter…

“We’ll be at King’s Cross in ten minutes,” announced Remus, shutting the door behind himself and dropping into the seat next to Lily.

“Thank Merlin,” James muttered. “I was beginning to go mad.”

“I resent that,” said Lily loftily.

“Tough, Evans.”

“What’s your problem anyways, James?”

“Evans, just leave me alone or I’m going to…”

“To what?”

James sighed and resumed banging his head against the window. Peter walked into the compartment and stared at him. “Right,” he said. “I don’t want to know.”

“You don’t,” muttered Lily.

With a hiss of its pistons the train stopped and they all lurched forward slightly. They all grabbed their overnight bags and exited the compartment.

The platform was deserted aside from the old man that was always there to make sure too many people didn’t go through the barrier at the same time. He waved Lily and Remus through first and then allowed Peter and James to pass. The other side of the barrier was bustling with people and James and Lily stayed together so they wouldn’t be separated. Peter and Remus had hidden themselves so the Evans’ wouldn’t see them.

“There are my parents,” muttered Lily. “C’mere Potter!”

“Wh—hey!” he exclaimed as she grabbed his hand and pulled him closer.

“Look sad and lost,” she ordered him quietly as they walked towards the familiar figures of her parents.

“So easy, Evans,” he mumbled. Her nails dug into his palm painfully and she nudged him slightly. “Okay, okay!” he assented, working his hand so their fingers were intertwined. It was incredibly clichéd but he thought that their hands fit together rather well. Get over yourself, he ordered the sappy part of his mind.

“Lily!” Mrs. Evans cried, pulling her daughter into her arms. Seeing the look of rapture on Lily’s face as she embraced her mother, James suddenly felt horribly out of place. Lily hugged her father next and then stepped back, taking James’s hand again.

“This is my, er, boyfriend James Potter.”

“We’ve met,” said Mr. Evans.

“You’ve met—oh!” she said suddenly, realization dawning on her face. “You did meet! I forgot.”

“I didn’t know you were Lily’s boyfriend, how are you doing, James?” asked Mrs. Evans kindly. “Is your mother holding up okay?”

James swallowed a lump in his throat. “She’s—my mother’s dead. My step-mother is doing fine, though.”

Mrs. Evans looked stricken. “Oh—I didn’t—“

“It’s fine, Mrs. Evans,” muttered James. “His—his funeral is tomorrow. You can come if you’d like…”

“I don’t think—“

“No,” said James, with more conviction now, “you should come. You really should.”

Mr. and Mrs. Evans exchanged glances before nodding hesitantly. “Alright, we’ll attend.”

“Where’s Petunia?” Lily asked brightly to dispel the awkwardness.

Mr. and Mrs. Evans began walking and the two teenagers followed. “Petunia’s with her boyfriend,” Mrs. Evans said, drawing her lips into a thin line. James and Lily wisely didn’t press for details and were silent as they got into the car.

After a long ride they finally pulled up at a house painted cream with green shutters. It was slightly larger than average houses, with a balcony overhanging the front porch. The entered the house and James watched with interest as Lily ran to the small table in the foyer and picked up a square box. She flipped it open quickly and twisted something on the back.

A soft melody filled the room, clear as the sound of breaking china. Lily cradled the music box to her chest and twirled around like a five year old in the snow. The tune was somewhat familiar to James, though he couldn’t place it. He looked closer and saw that carved on the box were hundreds of tiny snowflakes.

He couldn’t help it; a laugh bubbled up from his chest and Lily stopped twirling to look at him. “Is something wrong, Potter?” she asked, glaring at him.

Lily’s mother started at the sound of his last name on Lily’s lips. Great, damage control for me! Does she not understand the fact that I’m supposed to be her boyfriend? he thought sarcastically.

Slowly, he walked towards her and put his hands on her waist. Keeping one eye on her parents and desperately trying not to laugh at the shocked expression on Lily’s face, he began swaying with her to the melody.

“Nothing at all, Evans,” he said. “You just look so cute when you’re pretending to be a five year old.”

Lily gaped at him for a moment before clearing her throat. “Right. Right, it’s a—a gift from my grandmother that I forgot here. I didn’t want it sent to me by owl because it’s fragile and it may break so I left it here. It’s called Once Upon a December. You probably haven’t heard it—“

“You’re babbling, Lily,” James said gently, as if talking to someone from a madhouse. “And you hum it all the time, so I’ve heard it a lot.”

“Right…” Lily repeated in a whisper. “You have a leaf in your hair, James,” she murmured, reaching her hand up to pluck the offending foliage out of his hair. Her eyes didn’t leave his and the red leaf fell to the ground, forgotten. Almost imperceptibly, both leaned into each other. His eyes flickered to her lips before darting up to her eyes again. He was only inches away, now centimetres; he could feel her hot breath on his lips and it smelled like cinnamon from the jelly beans she had eaten on the train.

The clearing of a throat made them jump apart like spooked horses and James looked at Lily’s father, who was raising his eyebrows. Mrs. Evans was only staring at the two of them with a puzzled expression on her face. “Er, I’m going to put my stuff in my room,” Lily said shakily, darting up the stairs. James glared after her; she was leaving him with her parents, and they thought he was her boyfriend.

“So, James,” said Mr. Evans jovially, clapping his on the shoulder. James tried not to pitch forward. “How long have you been seeing my daughter…”

Yay.

“Lily, could I talk to you in the kitchen for a moment?” asked Mrs. Evans, standing up. Lily shot James a look that clearly said ‘behave’ and then followed her mother into the kitchen.

James looked down at his empty plate before glancing up at Mr. Evans, who was watching him with interest.

“Do you love my daughter, James?”

James dropped his fork with a clang and had a slight coughing fit. After he had recovered he looked at Mr. Evans. “What the—I wouldn’t exactly say love.”

“Then what would you say?”

“I’m very…fond of your daughter,” he said carefully.

“But are you—“

They were interrupted by the sound of breaking china in the kitchen. Mr. Evans got up and hurried into the kitchen, James right behind him.

“HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?” Lily was shrieking, staring at her mother with fury.

“I—I didn’t want to—“

“YOU DIDN’T WANT TO WHAT, MUM? INCLUDE ME IN YOUR LIFE?”

“Lily!” James exclaimed, darting forward and grabbing her arms before she could hurt her mother.

“Let me go, James,” Lily said loudly, struggling against his grip as her father gently took Mrs. Evans by the arm and pulled her into the dining room.

“No, Lily. Calm down,” James ordered. “Stop struggling. Stop. Here, sit down.” He forced her into a chair and crouched before her. “What the hell happened?”

“She’s pregnant!” Lily spat, twisting her arms from his grip. “She’s bloody pregnant!”

For three seconds’ time there was silence in the kitchen. Then, James spoke. “I see.”

“How could she not tell me something like this? She’s too old to have a baby!” She hit James’s chest lightly. “How—“ smack “--could—“ slap “—she—“ whack “—not—“ thwack “—tell—“

“Lily,” James said, exasperated. He grabbed her wrists to prevent her from hitting him and held them to her sides.

“This isn’t fair, James! First Ana and Sunny and now she wants to take me away from Sirius and R-Remus and Peter and even you! I love her but I don’t want to leave Hogwarts! I’m not strong enough for this…I’m not strong enough for this!”

James spotted her parents standing in the doorway and he stiffened slightly. “C’mon. Everything will be alright! Don’t worry about it. Sirius and the rest are coming to the funeral and you can see them there. We’ll all visit you all the time.”

“Why are you talking as if—“

“I’ll miss you, love,” he murmured, brushing a strand of hair off her face.

Lily frowned. “What the—“

His grip on her wrists tightened and her eyes widened in realization. “I’ll owl you all the time. Just—let’s enjoy the time we have together. I really need you right now. Everything with my dad and Evelyn…it’s been horrible.”

“James,” she sighed. “You know I really am sorry, right? I’m not—pretending or anything. Sirius and Remus and Peter, they’re there if you want to talk. Don’t you dare try to shut yourself off.”

“Why, Evans,” James said playfully, knowing full well she hadn’t been acting. “Do I hear a little bit of care behind that statement?”

“You wish,” she retorted, hitting him on the arm.

“Come on. Let’s go back into the dining room.” James got up and pulled Lily to her feet. He plastered a surprised look on his face when Lily’s parents saw him. “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Evans. Lily and I are going to go for a walk outside.”

“Don’t be out too late,” Mr. Evans said as James dropped Lily’s hand.

“We won’t,” assured Lily. They brushed past her parents on the way out and Lily shrank back against James as if scared of physical contact with her mother.

They burst through the front door and waited until they had entered the forest behind the house before breaking into laughter. “’Let’s enjoy the time we have together. I really need you right now,’” Lily mocked.

“Did you see their faces?” gasped James, placing his hand against a tree and stopping to catch his breath.

“Yes!” cried Lily. “Absolutely priceless! They totally—totally believed—“ She shivered slightly and James realized they had gone out into the cold November air without cloaks.

“We should go—“

“Oh, James! Look!” Lily breathed, pointing to the sky. He looked up and smiled as the first snowflake fell to the earth.

James was about to ask Lily if winter was her favourite season but the air of peacefulness around her was too beautiful to shatter. Her nose was red and her eyes were slightly red-rimmed; her cheeks were flushed from the cold, her green eyes were sparkling, and her dark red hair flowed down her back.

It occurred to him at that moment that he might just be in love with Lily Evans.

“My birthday’s the winter solstice,” she whispered. “The 21^st. When I was younger, every so often the first snow would fall on my birthday and my dad would wake me up in the middle of the night. He’s take me out here and we’d sit and talk for hours until the sun came up. Just me and him and the stars and the snow—snow all around us.”

“You’re so lucky,” James replied softly.

Lily blinked and looked at him. The snow was falling heavier now and clouds were rolling in. Soon they would be in the midst of a blizzard. “I know,” she whispered. “I know.”

“Let’s go in,” James suggested quietly.

“Alright,” said Lily.

She reached for his hand and James quickly snatched his back before they clasped. She looked stricken for a moment before her face turned blank.

They didn’t speak for the rest of the way in.

I hate this. Everything’s going fine and then it just…dies. The mood, everything, it all just shatters.

“You can sleep in the guest room,” she told him. “My parents are already asleep. My room’s just down the hall.”

“Alright,” James replied.

Lily walked down the hall and opened her door. She paused. “If you need anything just…”

“Alright.”

“Goodnight, James.”

“Night, Evans.”

Her door shut with a click.

If that’s the way she wants to play it, fine. I can do it just the same.

His door shut with a click.

That night, two teenagers lay awake in their bed, and when the sun rose in the morning, neither had slept at all.

11. Chapter Ten: The Gift

I own nothing.

Chapter 10: The Gift

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work."

--Emile Zola

November 21, 1977

Lily anxiously tugged at the black dress she was wearing. All her simple black dresses were at Hogwarts so she had snuck into her mother’s room earlier that morning and taken one of hers. Unfortunately her mother was slightly old fashioned and the dress had a high collar, was floor length, and had long sleeves that buttoned at the wrist.

“Oh, bother,” she muttered. She went over to her wardrobe and wrenched open the doors, rifling quickly through all of her clothes. She sighed in relief when she saw a black skirt in the back. She pulled it out and held it up to her body, critically eyeing its cut in the mirror. With a firm nod she set it down on her bed and began to unbutton the dress.

She relaxed slightly as she stepped out of it, leaving it in a heap on the floor. The skirt was made of light, swishy fabric that swayed when she moved. She pulled it on and hopped over to her wardrobe again in the process, searching for a blouse. She triumphantly pulled out a simple black shirt.

“Finally,” she muttered, unceremoniously yanking the shirt over her head. It mussed her hair and she made a sound of annoyance before brushing it out.

Lily threw the brush on her bed and exited her room, shutting the door behind her. She bumped into Petunia on her way to the stairwell.

“Are you really coming back to live here?” asked Petunia viciously.

Lily sighed again. “I hope not.”

“Where are you going, all dressed up like that?”

“I’m going to a funeral,” Lily said.

“Whose?” Was that genuine concern Lily detected?

“My friend’s father’s,” she responded, pushing past her sister and heading down the stairs.

“A freak friend? You have friends at the weirdo school you go to?”

“Yes, Pet, I have friends,” Lily said tiredly, getting out a bowl and a spoon. “Or at least I did.”

“That Sammy girl?”

“Her name was Sunny,” Lily snapped sharply, slamming a cereal box onto the counter.

“Was?”

“She’s dead.”

“Well good for her. Who’d want to be friends with you anyways? She probably killed herself so she didn’t have to talk to you.”

Lily knocked over the cereal box with trembling hands and glared at her sister. “Take that back,” she whispered.

“I won’t!” cried Petunia. “Maybe you killed her yourself!”

“STOP IT!” Lily shrieked, sweeping her hand along the counter and pushing bits of cereal onto the ground. “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!”

“I know you’re a—“

“Lily! Why in bloody hell are you screaming? You woke me up.” James stood on the last step of the staircase, his arm resting against the railing while the other ran over his face, wiping sleep from his eyes. His hair was messier than normal and he wasn’t wearing his glasses. He had a grey shirt on with black pants that looked as if they had been pulled on rather hastily.

“Who are you?” Petunia asked rudely.

“I’m James,” James said calmly. “Who are you?”

“That’s Petunia,” Lily spat, shoving her sister roughly and pushing past James. “I’ll be in my room.”

“What happened?” James asked, catching her arm.

“Nothing,” Lily muttered, wrenching her arm from his grip.

“So is your dad the one that died?” asked Petunia tactlessly. It was the last thing Lily heard before she slammed shut her door.

“Bloody bitch.”

The knock Lily had been expecting sounded on the door and she opened it forcefully. James wordlessly entered and she slammed the door shut behind him. He sat on her bed.

“So that’s Petunia.”

“Yes.” Lily sat down on the opposite side of the bed.

“She’s interesting.”

“She’s a bitch.”

James sighed and nodded, flopping back on the bed so his feet were on the pillow and his head was at the foot. “That she is.”

“You have no idea,” Lily returned, lying down with her head on the pillow and her feet near James’s head.

“Why aren’t we friends, Evans?” James abruptly asked.

“What do you mean?” At this point nothing shocked Lily and his abrupt question was somewhat welcome. “We certainly aren’t enemies.”

“I mean…why do—I don’t know what I mean.”

“I think because…you’ve always been a damn prick.”

James made a face. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

“But…like right now. We’re sitting here, no, we’re lying down next to each other and we’re having a deep, meaningful conversation.” He ignored Lily’s snigger. “But we can’t be friends? How does that work?”

“Dunno,” Lily murmured, “it just does.”

James sighed. “Yea, well, we should be going soon.”

“You shouldn’t have invited my parents.”

James made a face. “My mummy raised me polite.”

Lily shook her head. “You’re mad.”

“And proud of it.”

“Oh shut up!”

Somebody knocked on the door and Lily sat up. “Come in!”

Her mother opened the door and peeked in. “Lily? Are you—oh, James. I didn’t see you.” She raised her eyebrows at the sight of them on the bed together.

“Yes, mother?

Mrs. Evans winced at the ice in Lily’s voice and opened the door wider. “I’d like to talk to you outside,” she said firmly.

“I don’t feel like talking to you,” Lily said harshly.

“Get out here now, Lily Evans!”

“Fine, fine,” Lily grumbled. “I’m coming.” She left James lying on her bed and shut the door hard.

“What?” she asked rudely.

“Stop talking to me like that, Lily,” her mother said.

“I’m sorry. Okay?”

“It isn’t.”

Lily bit her lip. “I can’t believe you mum! You’re not even thinking about anything but yourself! You didn’t tell me you were pregnant and now you’re taking me away from all of my friends!”

“It’s for your own safety!” Mrs. Evans shouted back. “Two of your friends died and you expect me to let you continue there?”

“YES! I do!” Lily shrieked. “This is my life now! You can’t just take it away from me! You can’t take me away from everyone there!”

“Yes, Lily. I can’t take you away from your boyfriend. James Potter is your boyfriend, is he? Did you think I can’t tell when my own daughter is lying?”

Lily faltered.

“Here,” Mrs. Evans spat, throwing a crumpled piece of paper at Lily’s feet. She bent to pick it up and saw that it was dated three weeks ago, mentioning Sirius as her boyfriend.

“So what’s your point,” Lily asked dully. “James has only been my boyfriend for a week.”

“Do not underestimate me,” Mrs. Evans said dangerously. “You are my daughter and I know you aren’t so fickle!”

“Fine!” Lily said. “He’s just my friend. They all offered to help me stay—Sirius and James and Remus and Peter. They’re my friends, mum! They all need me! Sunny’s gone and Remus is miserable and I have to be there to help him. James’s dad just died and it’s because he was protecting you and how do think James is dealing with that? I can’t believe you would think I would come willingly! I love it at Hogwarts and you’re bringing me back over my dead body.”

Mrs. Evans sighed. “I worry,” she whispered.

“I know you worry,” Lily said softly. “But I’m growing up and I don’t belong in this world anymore.”

“I’m sorry, Lily,” Mrs. Evans said, stepping forward and hugging her. “After everything—“

“Mum,” Lily said sharply.

“I know you don’t like to talk about it, Lily, but you never have and sometimes it helps to get it all out.”

“I’m fine, mum,” Lily said gently. “Don’t worry about me. I have my friends and if I ever want to talk I can go to them.”

Mrs. Evans smiled. “Alright, Lily. I’ll talk to your father and convince him to let you stay.”

Yes! Lily thought. “Thanks mum.”

She turned to open the door but he mother said something that made her freeze.

“And James, darling? Tell him he gave an amazing performance. And I would hold on to that one, Lily. He looks like quite a catch, as a friend or more.”

“Thanks mum,” Lily repeated, exasperated. “I love you,” she called out as her mother reached the stairs.

“I love you too, poppet,” said Mrs. Evans.

Lily shook her head good-naturedly and opened the door to her room. She jumped on the bed and startled James into consciousness.

“Wha…?” he said, rubbing his eyes and sitting up slightly.

“I get to stay at Hogwarts,” Lily squealed, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. “I get to stay and it’s all thanks to you and your wonderful performance! Oh, I could just kiss you!”

James stared at her with a dazed look on his face. “You’re scary,” was all he said, before lying back down and curling up on his side.

“Oh go take a shower.” Lily grabbed her hairbrush and ran over to the mirror. He didn’t get up. She stomped back over to him.

“Get up!”

“Go away, mum.”

Lily rolled her eyes and pushed him off the bed.

“Where’s Sirius?” Lily whispered, following James across the snowy field.

“I dunno, Evans,” said James acidly. “Probably at the ceremony, where we should’ve been ten minutes ago.”

“It’s not my fault,” grumbled Lily.

“I know,” James sighed. “Come on, the portkey’s just a little farther.”

“No it isn’t,” said Lily. “It’s right there.” She pointed to an old rubber tire that looked rather out of place in the white landscape.

“Yep,” James said. “That’s it.”

There was something slightly off about his tone.

“Hey,” she nudged him with her shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said stiffly. “Here, touch. It’s set to reset after every fifteen minutes so we have one left.”

“I’m sorry my parents didn’t come,” Lily said softly.

“It’s actually quite a relief,” said James, a guilty note in his voice.

“You sound as if we aren’t both thinking that,” pointed out Lily.

“Get ready,” said James, as a hook jerked behind Lily’s navel and she swung wildly from side to side. Wind picked up and soon suddenly they slammed into the ground; Lily stumbled and James fell to the ground.

James growled slightly as he got up and brushed himself off. His black dress robes were soon clean and they walked the short distance from the portkey point to the large platform erected before a magnificent building.

“Are you ready for this, James?” asked Lily, just as she spotted Sirius in the front row of the chairs set up.

James took a deep breath. “Yea,” he muttered. “Go sit by Sirius. I think he saved you a seat.”

“And you?”

James shook his head. “I get a platform seat.” He pointed to one of the empty seats on the platform, right in between a pretty woman with black hair and a girl with the same color hair.

“Good luck.”

James looked at her for a long moment before turning away and heading towards the platform. He stopped and turned around to face her. “Thanks. For everything I mean.”

“No problem,” called Lily.

He sighed heavily and ascended the platform.

If Lily had known Mr. Potter she probably would have been crying. As it was, she almost did, but she knew Sirius would be horrified if she cried so she only sniffled. A part of her knew he wouldn’t realize she was crying—he was miserable himself—but it was as much about her strength and resistance to tears as it was about Sirius.

Sirius walked over to James and his two companions, pushing past the long line of guests offering their condolences. James eyes lit up when he caught sight of Sirius and they soon reached his side. Lily caught sight of Remus and two adults she assumed were his parents coming from the left side of the gathering, as well as Peter coming with his mother from the opposite direction.

James, his step-mother, and the girl Lily assumed was Emily quietly accepted the comfort of each guest. When the line dwindled down James turned to his friends.

“Er, Evelyn, you already know Remus and Peter and Sirius.” James motioned to each of his friends. “And you’ve all met Emily.”

“Hey Em,” Sirius said quietly, chucking her under the chin. She blushed and smiled at him. Lily put a hand to her mouth and stifled a giggle. Did Sirius know that the little girl was besotted with him?

“Evelyn, Emily, this is Lily, Sirius’s girlfriend.” Evelyn smiled at Lily, daintily wiping under her eyes with a handkerchief. Emily looked at Lily uncertainly.

“How old are you?” the little girl asked, her voice high and sweet.

“I’m seventeen,” Lily answered. “How old are you?”

“I’m fourteen,” said Emily proudly.

“Why don’t you go to Hogwarts?” Lily asked, sure she had not seen this girl before.

Emily sighed. “It’s complicated. I go to a boarding school in Switzerland. I’m going to America now, though.”

“Oh,” Lily said. “Well, you don’t know what you’re missing with Hogwarts. It’s wonderful.”

Emily sighed. “I’ve heard.” She leaned forward, her eyes wide. “Do you—do you kiss Sirius?”

Lily looked around in an exaggerated motion. “To tell you the truth, Emily, he’s really bad at kissing!”

“Hey!” said Sirius. “I heard that!”

“It’s alright dear,” said Lily, patting Sirius’s arm. “We all know you can’t kiss.”

“Not all of us,” said Peter hastily.

“I would hope not,” said Evelyn, giving a watery chuckle. “Would you all like to come to the house for tea?”

Fifteen minutes later Lily found herself falling out of a fireplace and onto a soft Persian rug. She quickly got up and dusted the soot off of her fancy black robes. Remus fell out of the fireplace behind her.

Peter’s mother and Remus’s parents were in the kitchen with Evelyn, while all the teenagers and Emily were gathered in the parlor.

Emily was arguing with James.

“Why do you keep on humming that blasted tune?” she sighed. “It’s so off-key.”

“Well—it sounded fine when I heard it,” muttered James. “Not that I remember where I heard it.”

“What tune?” asked Lily keenly.

Immediately, Emily began humming a tune that Lily recognized. She shot a look at James.

“Er—that’s the one I sang when we were—we….”

“Oh.” said James. “Oh!”

“Am I missing something?” asked Sirius.

“When we were—er—kidnapped,” said James.

“Oh.” Sirius looked quizzically. “I’ve never heard this tune before.”

Lily shrugged. “Well, I made it up. I was pressed for time!”

“The tune’s okay if you just change a few notes,” supplied Emily. She cocked her head to the side. “Do you have words?”

Lily pulled a napkin from its holder and quickly jotted down the words to the poem. Emily pulled them over and glanced over them.

“These are pretty,” she murmured. She began singing in a soft, clear voice, high and sweet as a bell. “Do not stand at my grave and weep…”

“I didn’t know you could sing,” James said softly.

“I knew she could sing, James.” Sirius smile wryly and they listed to Emily sing.

“I am not there, I do not sleep.” The last word of the poem tapered off and Emily was silent. Lily stared at her, trying to find something to say.

All she could think of was, “That was nice.”

“Thank you,” Emily said serenely. She plopped down in a chair and frowned. “I love the words. It makes me think of dad…”

“Don’t, Emily,” James said softly. “Don’t.”

“Fine, James,” Emily said loudly. “You never want to talk about anything anyways!” She walked swiftly from the room and out the front door.

“I’m going after her,” James said with a sigh.

“No,” Lily said suddenly. “Let me.”

It took her almost fifteen minutes to find Emily. She was sitting on a bench in the garden, her robes stark black against the white snow. Her sniffles and hiccups traveled on the wind to Lily’s ears.

“I hate him, Lily,” Emily whispered. “I hate him so much.”

“He’s hurting just as much as you are,” Lily offered.

“But he’s always such a—a git! He’s my big brother in every way…I grew up with him. But he can’t stand me, Lily!”

“That’s not true. He loves you. He thinks you’re a wonderful kid and he thinks of you as his little sister. He told me so. Take it from me; I know what it’s like to have a horrid sibling. James is nothing like my sister.”

“Your sister is a girl,” Emily giggled.

“But still.” Lily smiled as Emily began to swing her feet.

“Do you think James is a good person?”

“He’s…alright, I suppose.” I’m lying, why am I lying?

“Just alright?” Emily pressed. “I remember he used to fancy you something awful.”

“I remember too.”

“He was such a git…he’s been so different though, this year! And over the summer too.” Emily sighed. “It’s something Sirius said. I know it is. Only Sirius’s opinion matters to him…and yours, I suppose.”

Lily looked down. If that’s what you think of me, Lily Evans, then you can go FUCK YOURSELF!…always the culprit…I’m the easy one to blame. I was prick for four years so I may as well be one for the rest of my bloody life. Don’t worry, Evans, you’ve made this quite clear and I’m sure I’ll be getting over it sometime soon…

“He grew up,” she whispered. “I almost wish he hadn’t. I’d rather he have his family and his innocence and be a prick than be so wonderful and so sad.” Lily swiped at her eyes to make sure no tears were gathered there. “Let’s go in, Emily.”

The girl nodded gravely. Lily looked down and saw that their footprints had marred the perfect expanse of white snow.

A week passed by uneventfully and the group returned to Hogwarts with Sirius in tow. The Ministry Ball in honor of Madhura Patel was planned, and arrangements for the holidays were made. Lily had had enough of her home and was staying at Hogwarts the entire two weeks, as was James. Almost everybody in Gryffindor tower besides Maria Danes was going home as well after the date of the ball.

One night, Lily was working diligently on an essay for Transfiguration when a shadow fell over her work, blocking the light and making it hard for her to see. “Could you plea—oh, what’s happening?”

“You have to go to class,” Peter informed her nervously, moving out of her way as she stood up and rolled her essay into a scroll. She placed it in her bag and shot him a quizzical look before heading out of the portrait hole.

They’re plotting something. They wanted me to leave. Peter was the one Marauder who she didn’t like, and even that feeling was seldom. He had never been anything but polite to her, but he had never been deliberately nice either. While not extremely gifted in the magical area, he sometimes came up with these schemes, these clever plans that were so discreet. He was crafty, for sure.

Lily entered the amphitheatre. She was a few minutes late and climbed the stairs to the platform, taking a seat next to James.

“We’re doing individual evaluations today,” said James. “Dunno what that means. But it’s happening. She’s with Maria now, she’s already talked to Li. He won’t tell anyone what type he has.”

“Where?” asked Lily immediately.

“Over there, behind that screen.” He pointed to a screen set up at the back of the platform.

“So what do we do?”

James sighed and tapped his fingers on the table. “We wait, Evans. I don’t think this woman knows how to teach, much as I like this class.”

“There’s something odd about her. I think I’ve met her somewhere.”

“Me too,” said James. “Even Sirius and Remus and Peter say the same thing.”

“Ms. Evans?”

Lily and James looked up from their conversation. Lily stood and followed Patel behind the screen. The only furnishings were two chairs. Patel took one and Lily sat in the other.

“I’m sure you’re anxious to find out what type of ancient magic you posses.”

Lily nodded when Patel didn’t continue. “Are you going to tell me?”

Patel laughed and Lily shivered. I’ve heard that laugh… “You’re a Soul-searcher, Ms. Evans.”

Two seconds’ silence filled the air as Lily struggled to speak. “Are you—are you serious? I’m a soul-searcher?”

“The only student,” Patel said, with something almost like pride.

“But Soul-searchers are—they’re like—they’re the ultimate.”

“Actually, a full Healer would be the highest on that branch. The highest gift in this school is mine…although some of the students come pretty close.”

“Who? What’s your gift?” asked Lily eagerly. Patel laughed again.

“I can’t tell you who. But I can tell you I’m a Full Empath: my strengths are in Linking and Soul-searching. I’m also quite a gifted Amoris.”

“Love magic?”

“Yes.”

“Wow,” Lily whispered.

“Now, this is going to be a large load on top of all of your school-work. You need to give me money for these books—“ Patel motioned to a pile of tomes next to her, “—and read them extensively. I’ll be able to work with you for only so much time. And I’ll be leaving in March, so we have very little time for you to get a basic harness on your gift.” She handed Lily the books. Lily shrunk them and put them in the pocket of her robes.

“I’ll need to talk to the rest of the students. Follow me.” Patel stood. Lily got up and walked out from behind the screen. Nobody was paying attention, and she sat down next to James. He looked up after a few moments.

“Oh. Did you find out what type you have?”

Lily bit her lip, hard. She could tell James, but a part of her wanted to keep her gift a secret. “I’d rather not tell.” She looked up and met his eyes.

James stared at her keenly for a moment before shrugging and looking back to his Charms text.

After almost half-an-hour and a lot of noise, Patel came out and called for James. He shut his textbook with a snap and looked wryly at Lily. “Wish me luck.”

Lily nodded and watched his tall, lanky form disappear behind the screen. Ten minutes later he walked out with Patel, his face pensive.

“Well?” asked Lily excitedly.

James shook his head, a dazed expression in his eyes. “She’s so damn familiar,” he whispered. “I can’t get over it, Evans. I could swear when she smiled…and when she laughed!”

“Maybe you’re attracted to her,” Lily shrugged, trying to push away the images the popped into her head at that thought.

“That’s just it, Evans. Whenever I think I might be, I start to feel sick. As if it’s wrong.” He ruffled his hair and Lily tried to stifle her irritation. “Merlin, is she my sister from another world or something?”

Lily watched him pace back and forth, his hands clasped behind his back. He always did this when he was nervous. “She’s so secretive,” James continued. “As if…as if…did you know there was no publicity about her coming here? Absolutely nothing in the Daily Prophet.”

“That’s strange. Everything with Hogwarts is a big deal these days.”

“I know.”

“Strange.”

“You’re all dismissed,” called out Patel, waving her wand at the screen. It disappeared. Lily and James began to walk towards the exit.

“She’s an Empath. Love magic, soul-searching, and linking” Lily waited for James to climb the ladder ahead of her. She didn’t want him to look up her skirt or something of the like.

James froze. “She’s…all three?”

Lily nodded. “Yes.”

James began to climb the ladder. “Hmm.” He absently grabbed her hand and helped to hoist her up. He dropped it and walked ahead of her, still “hmming.”

“I’m quitting Quidditch captain,” said James abruptly. Lily nodded and then did a double-take. It was something he often did, she had noticed, after his father’s death. He switched topics abruptly, with no warning whatsoever. It was rather disconcerting.

“WHAT?”

“I’m quitting. I can’t take it.”

“James Potter, I’m going to—“

“Evans!”

“—kill you if you—“

“Evans!”

“—dare think of—“

“LILY!”

Lily stopped uncertainly and looked at him. He’s a brilliant captain!

“I want you to take over for me,” he said earnestly. Lily just gaped at him.

“I—I—yes?”

“Thanks, Evans,” James said immediately.

“Wait!”

He had already gone.

Ravenclaw played Hufflepuff the next day and Hufflepuff flattened them. Lily watched the Ravenclaws trail up dejectedly from the Quidditch field, while she herself was warm and cozy in the library. She hadn’t been expecting Sirius, so when he grabbed her hand and pulled her into the hall she had to fight to keep from yelling in surprise. He pushed her against the wall in a niche and kissed her deeply.

“What was that for?” she asked breathlessly, when he had pulled away.

“I feel as if I haven’t seen you in ages.”

“Not like that,” Lily said suggestively. Sirius grinned at her and kissed her again, before running off to make McGonagall mad.

Lily completed her homework for Monday in the common room, glancing slyly at Sirius every few seconds. He looked rather glum.

“What’s wrong?” Lily asked, sitting down next to him and nudging him with her shoulder. Sirius shook his head. “Come on, Sirius. You know you want to tell me.”

Sirius smiled slightly. “Remus isn’t talking to me. He hasn’t been. For a while.”

Lily frowned. She hadn’t realized. “Because of—“

“Yea.”

Lily looked down. “You’ll reconcile. You’ve been friends too long…”

“Lily, we’ll always be friends, right?”

His tone was strange and it scared Lily. “Are you—are you breaking up with me?” She met his eyes.

She may have imagined it, but for an instant she thought she saw a flare of pinkish orange light flare around him. A color that reminded her of nervousness. It was gone in a second.

“No, Lily. I just…if we ever do…I want us to always—“

“We will,” Lily interrupted. “Don’t worry.”

“Thanks.”

He wrapped his arms around her and clung like a child. Lily caught James’s eye over Sirius’s shoulder and found him glaring at them.

She looked away.

12. Chapter Eleven: The Ball

I own nothing.

Chapter 11: The Ball

My love is like to ice, and I to fire:

How comes it then that this her cold is so great

Is not dissolved through my so hot desire,

But harder grows the more I her entreat?

--Sonnet 30, Edmund Spenser

December 9, 1977

Snow covered the grounds of Hogwarts, a thick coverlet that caught the sunlight and blindingly reflected it back into the eyes of passing students. It was the second snowfall of the season, and the expanse was ruined by the hundreds of feet that trampled over the ground, heading down to the Quidditch Pitch.

James stood next to Alex Fera and behind Lily, who went out onto the pitch first. One quarter was covered in deep green, and the rest was a mass of scarlet. James adjusted his heavy robes and watched closely as Lily shook hands with Alex Avery, the captain and seeker of the Slytherin team.

James scowled at the ground as Hooch told everyone to play nicely, her voice dripping with patronization. We’re obviously two-year-olds.

Then he had no time to think, because he was in the air, inhaling the scents of wood smoke drifting over from Hagrid’s cabin and of snow. It was something clean, something new, something incredibly and delightfully fresh.

“DIONE PASSES TO MALFOY WHO SHOOTS—BRILLIANT SAVE BY LORDEN, WHO IS FILLING IN FOR MATTHEWS TODAY—AND EVANS IS OFF WITH THE QUAFFLE. SHE DODGES A BLUDGER HIT BY VOLE AND—IS THAT A SMIRK, LILY?—AND PUTS IT THROUGH THE HOOPS. 10 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!” Sirius gave a whoop of joy.

The match continued rather uneventfully until the score was 60-80 to Slytherin.

Then the snitch came out.

James dived after it immediately, and Avery sped after him. Avery was getting closer, his superior broom outstripping James’s Cleansweep (James never had the heart to get rid of it). James urged his broom to go even faster, leaning forward until he was almost horizontal against the handle. Avery glanced at him quickly, his eyes wild, but James continued to dive even though he was at a ninety degree angle from the ground. He didn’t pull up until he was about two feet away from the snow on the pitch. Avery couldn’t stop his momentum and his better-quality broom nosedived right into the grass of the Pitch.

James gave a triumphant shout and closed his fingers around the snitch. He dimly heard Sirius announce that Gryffindor had won before six people in scarlet crashed into him, hugging him and patting him on the back. Even Lily grinned at him.

The Gryffindors traveled in a large mass up to the castle, heading straight to their common room to have a party. James excused himself from the festivities and went up to his dormitory. Lily stopped him at the foot of the stairs, a bottle of butterbeer in her hand.

“Not joining us?” she asked, an eyebrow raised, before she took a swig of her drink.

“Nope,” said James. “Oh, thanks for taking over, for captain and all.”

Lily nodded slowly. “Don’t worry about it.” She cocked her head to the side. “You are a strange person.”

James frowned. “Am I?”

“Very. You ask me to take over a job that you abso-bleeding-lutely love, then complain when I make you run ten laps and do fifty sit-ups and fifty push-ups, but then you thank me.” She shook her head in wonder. “Very strange.”

“Thank you,” James said, giving her a mocking bow. He grabbed the butterbeer she was holding in her hand and ran up the stairs to his dormitory.

“Hey! That’s mine!”

But of course, she didn’t follow him.

James shut the door to his room and drained the butterbeer in a few gulps. He let the bottle fall to the floor and curled up on his bed, staring into space. A strange memory hit him, one he had never put much stock in…

Of course, the four of them had visited every student in their year (and house) except Lily Evans, because she was the only Muggle-born in their year and house. The girls in the soon to be sixth year of Gryffindors far outnumbered the boys, tallying a number of eight, while there were only four boys.

James was very reluctant to go on this little excursion, because the last time he had talked to Lily Evans she had hexed him. He still had boils on his legs, not that he would let anyone know.

Remus, the best at charms, removed the Disillusionment charms from them as soon as they landed. They were reckless and didn’t really know the consequences of Muggles seeing them. They had long realized a way around the detection the Ministry used to pinpoint underage magic.

They walked around the back and Sirius, who had scouted ahead, pointed to the window that was Lily’s. They climbed the rickety trellis outside her house and James was the first to go through her window. Peter, Sirius, and Remus stayed outside while he set up the elaborate prank he had planned just for Evans. He had only just begun to assemble it when the door banged open and Lily stomped through, her body almost obscured by the pile of clothes she held.

She froze when she saw him crouching in the middle of the floor, dropping the pile of laundry she was holding, revealing a simple green t-shirt that matched her eyes and a pair of white shorts.

“Potter, there had better be a good reason you are in my room or I’m going to—“

“Are you moving?” He said it smoothly, and despite herself Lily was distracted.

“What?”

“The boxes. There’s no stuff on the shelves. Are you moving?” Lily glowered at him and bent to pick up the laundry. James quickly waved his wand at the materials for the prank and they flew out the window. James could hear the muffled curses Remus, Peter, and Sirius let out as the objects fell to the grass.

Lily’s head shot up. “What was that?”

“Nothing. Are you moving?” James repeated.

“Yes, I am. Now, why are you within two meters of me? Move away. There must be three meters between you and me at all times.”

James immediately moved back. “Um, I got an owl earlier, Evans, and I was just going around asking if anyone had sent it. It wasn’t signed, see.”

“No, I don’t see. And I didn’t send you anything. Why would I send you anything?”

“Because you love me?”

“Screw you.”

“Please—“

“Oh, shut up.”

“Fine.”

Lily sighed after a moment. “What was your bloody letter about?”

James said the first thing that came to mind. “Dementors.”

Lily’s brow wrinkled. “What’s a—“

“You don’t know what a dementor is?”

“No. I’ve heard of one, I suppose. But I don’t really know what it’s about.”

“Dementors guard Azkaban, the wizard prison.” James thought he heard a sound but dismissed it as his friends outside.

Lily sucked in a breath. “Oh.”

“They have—they have hoods. Black hoods and they glide. When they appear all the light goes out and--and you feel so bloody cold. You remember things you never want to remember. They suck the happiness out of you and when they pull back their hood…they have this scabbed expanse for a face and this gaping hole for a mouth. If they Kiss you your soul is sucked out…and they breathe so loudly, like you’ve never heard before.”

“How do you get rid of them?” Lily asked, wide-eyed, her voice higher than normal.

“There’s no way to kill them. You can use a Patronus, though.”

“What’s a Patronus?”

James was struck by an idea. “I’ll tell you if you’ll go out with me.”

The almost hopeful look on Lily’s face went out like a candle in the wind and she turned away. “Get out of my house Potter.”

James squeezed his eyes shut. Maybe if he had acted just a little more mature things would be different. Perhaps he and Lily would be…instead of Sirius and Lily…

Shut up, bloody mind! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

“A ball?”

“This is amazing.”

“Oh, yeah, sure. Amazing. I’d rather die!”

“Oh, don’t. I was going to ask you.”

“Like I’d go with you.”

The whispers surrounded James as he headed for his table and he rolled his eyes. He was going alone, no doubt about it.

He spotted Sirius and Lily sitting at the edge of the Gryffindor table, both looking rather glum. He dropped into a seat next to Sirius and grabbed a ham sandwich from a platter. “What’s wrong, Padfoot?”

“I can’t go,” said Sirius.

James looked at him quizzically. “Why can’t you—oh. I see. Well, it’s your own fault.”

Sirius opened his mouth to say something but Lily shook her head. “It really is, Sirius.”

“I don’t see why everyone’s so bloody excited. It’s not like they haven’t known it was coming.”

“James, Hogwarts hardly ever has these Balls. Only once in a while.”

“Evans,” James mimicked, “this is just an excuse to run after the girl or boy of your choice and to instill drama in our otherwise pointless lives.”

Lily rolled her eyes and bit into a sandwich. She swallowed and said, “You’re too negative.”

Peter sat down next to Lily and she jumped. He smiled apologetically at her. “Stupid ball,” he said. “Does this mean I have to ask someone?”

“Unless a girl asks you first,” James pointed out.

“As if that would happen,” Sirius snorted. James smacked him in the belly and Sirius clutched at his stomach. “You big—“

“Oh, shut up, Padfoot,” James said. “Your voice is too squeaky and it’s giving me a headache.”

“Where’s Remus?” asked Lily.

James looked at Peter and Sirius avoided everyone’s eyes. “He probably doesn’t want to come down,” Peter said.

“Why’s that?”

“Because he’s angry with me,” said Sirius suddenly. “He’s very angry with me.”

“Oh.”

Lily glanced at James and he shrugged. She thoughtfully chewed on her second sandwich and stared at Sirius, a glint in her eyes that James didn’t like very much.

December 23, 1977

The Gryffindor common room was filled with anxiously waiting boys, most of them looking up at the girls’ staircases. Sirius glumly looked at James, Remus, and Peter.

“I can’t believe I have to stay here with the first, second, and third years!”

“Grow up, Sirius,” Peter suddenly snapped. “You’ve been saying that for a week.”

“Why don’t you shut up, rat boy? It’s not like you—“

“Oh, just stop. I’m going down now. Come on.” Remus glared at all three of them before turning and exiting the portrait hole.

“Er, I’m going to follow him,” said James. Peter got up and followed him down to the entrance hall, where many students were milling about. James caught sight of Dean Rosier in black, with Maria Danes on his arm in a blue color that matched her eyes. They made quite a formidable couple, and Maria caught James’s eye and winked. The pair moved aside and revealed John Foibles, a Ravenclaw, with Clara Danes, Maria’s sister.

Alex Avery, Severus Snape, Jeremy Vole, and Salmand Malfoy all wore robes of the darkest black, and Vole was the only one with a date, a sixth year Slytherin.

“James?”

James turned and saw Lily standing behind him. His breath hitched.

She was wearing a dark green, old-fashioned dress with a modest neckline and a full skirt. She had light white robes that went down to where her knees would be, but the dress could be plainly seen.

“Do you know where we’re supposed to be?”

James instantly stopped staring at her. “We’re just supposed to wait with the rest of the students.”

Lily nodded slowly. “Did you come alone?”

“Yes.”

Lily looked as if she was trying not to laugh. James ignored her.

It was much easier that way.

The doors to the Great Hall opened of their own accord and the students rushed through. The room was decorated spectacularly, and James smiled. He had been a part of the decorating team.

After almost twenty minutes of loud chatter, the room finally quieted. James had taken a seat in between Peter and Remus, and their table also included Alex Fera and Jennifer Hart, who had come together. Rebecca Hause also sat with her date from Ravenclaw.

James didn’t really listen as Patel made her speech, but he snapped to attention as she announced that the Head Boy and Girl were to share the first dance. He glanced at Lily but she didn’t look at him. She just made her way to the middle of the dance floor. James met her there.

He took her hand and bowed stiffly to her. She curtsied slightly, and the only sound in the room was the gentle swish of her robes falling to her feet, as the students and faculty watched with rapt attention to see if they would kill each other.

The first strains of the song began to play and they moved together to the music, counting the beats in their minds. When the flute began to play, James whirled Lily out and then back in grinning. It broke the tension slightly and she smiled back at him widely, her eyes glittering.

Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Damn damn damn. Sirius is with Lily…

“You know,” she said suddenly, “you’re much more boyish when you smile like that.” The look in her eyes as she gazed at him was unmistakable, and James sucked in a shaky breath. He immediately arranged his face into a mask of indifference as she began to chatter softly.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked abruptly, cutting herself off in mid-sentence. She was biting her lip.

James was tempted to answer that he was absolutely fine, but then Lily would barrage him with questions. She always could tell when he was lying. “I’m just tired,” James sighed.

“Poor James Potter,” she snapped at him suddenly, her hand tightening on his shoulder. “Always has to sacrifice everything. Always the noble one. Never can be a boy, always has to be a man.”

Uh oh, James thought. Explosion time.

But she didn’t explode. Instead, she took two steadying breaths and stopped dancing. They stood there in the middle of the floor, staring each other down, not realizing that other couples were swirling around them.

“I don’t understand you, James Potter. And I don’t think that I want to anymore.”

James forced his face into a neutral mask and glared at her. “Good, Evans. Better for the both of us.” They started dancing again, involuntarily adjusting to the beat of the new song, which was faster.

“Fine,” she muttered, looking away. Her face fell slightly as she looked over his shoulder and he turned to see Dean Rosier heading towards them. James grinned wickedly at Lily as she pleaded him with her eyes not to give her up to the Ravenclaw.

“Oh, don’t worry, Lily, we’ll see how lucky Rosier gets tonight.” She glared at him and he smiled back innocently. Carefully, he placed his hand in his pocket and pressed an ItchyPad (Marauder invention) into her hand. She looked puzzled for a moment but when he whispered in her ear what it was and she grinned mischievously.

“May I cut in?” Rosier asked, tapping James’s shoulder and smirking. James let Lily go with a smile.

“She’s all yours, Rosier,” James said in a sickeningly sweet voice. Rosier looked at him suspiciously.

Ten minutes later, James and Lily shared a silent look as Rosier began to hop around the floor, knocking over the bowl of punch and soaking his new dress robes. They burst into laughter and got strange looks from the people around them.

An hour passed uneventfully and James began to become rather bored. He had watched countless amounts of girls walk past to the loo, and even more had asked him to dance. He did so rather reluctantly, but only because he had been raised to be polite.

James found his gaze inevitably drawn to Lily, who had removed her white robe earlier. She looked amazing tonight. That one dance with her had been nice; it was a pity Peter had chosen her for Sirius. His mood instantly darkened. The last thing he ever needed was to think about that!

Frowning, he watched as two Slytherin sixth year boys began pointing at Lily, laughing. She didn’t seem to notice. Curious, James moved towards the dance floor, behind the two Slytherins, who had grown into six people, both boys and girls.

James’s jaw dropped as he saw that the zipper on the back of Lily’s robes had undone itself, leaving a large portion of her bare back exposed. The Ravenclaw seventh year, John Foibles, dancing with her didn’t seem to mind. He was grinning.

The song ended and James watched with disgust and a slight amount of sadistic curiosity as another Ravenclaw moved over to Lily, about to ask her to dance. James hurriedly moved across the floor, bumping the Ravenclaw out of the way. He scowled at him, but James didn’t care.

He grabbed Lily and tried to think of a tactful way to tell her about her dress when the song started up. They began to sway to the music, but James could tell that Lily was furious.

“What did you do that for?” she hissed, narrowing her eyes at him. James winced as he carefully placed his hands on her lower back. He began to tug upwards with the zipper and Lily’s mouth dropped open. “Oh,” she gasped, flushing a dull red. He finished zipping the dress and she turned, staring at the wall of disappointed boys behind her.

“Thanks,” she muttered, looking down at the floor.

James scowled. “Yea, well, I didn’t want to be traumatized.” She was a nice height, just tall enough for her head to rest on his shoulder, but she didn’t, she just stayed in his arms, stiff. Even though they had shared that laugh over Rosier, she still seemed angry at him for their conversation during the first dance.

“I was thinking about what you said, Evans.”

“What was that?”

“About me always having to be so noble.”

“And your conclusion?” Lily asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I think you’re wrong.”

“How’s that?”

“I don’t choose to be like this. I just am.”

“Well, you weren’t like this last year!” Lily snapped at him.

“A lot of things happened over the summer, Evans,” James responded quietly. He glanced at the clock and realized that there would only be time for one or two more dances after this song.

“Oh yea, James? Like what?”

“Sirius coming to live with me, for one,” James pointed out. “He ran away from home, Evans. He got in a row with his parents and he just left. His parents didn’t even—they didn’t even look for him. Imagine hating your child so much. Imagine hating Muggle-borns so much. That’s sad. I never really realized how bad the situation in the Wizarding world was, that image is more important than the child you give birth to.”

Lily just stared at him, mouth agape, and he shrugged. The song ended and he pushed her away. “I’ll see you for the last dance,” he said, inclining his head to her. She nodded dazedly and backed off the floor.

He waited anxiously for the next song to finish, watching Lily dancing with Remus and trying to cheer him up. His hands were sweating as Dumbledore asked from the Head Boy and Girl to come to the floor. He announced that he himself would be playing a tango and that the rest of the school could gradually join in.

Lily’s gaze was fixed on him as she put in her song request to Dumbledore, and James cocked an eyebrow at her. He met her in the center of the floor and smirked.

“You know how to tango?” James asked, not sure whether he should mock her or not.

“You know how to tango?” Lily shot back. She shook her head. “It’s a Muggle thing.”

“It’s a wizarding thing,” James corrected. “The tango was adapted from Spanish and Italian dances by one of the women who was Headmistress here, years back. Besides, my parents used to tango all the time. My mum tried to teach me, but I was much to short. It was easier for me to learn later though.”

James was in good spirits but as soon as the first strains of the tango—a very familiar one—began to play, he froze and went pale. Lily grabbed his hands and readied herself as he began to remember things he had always wanted to forget…

The room was been bright and airy, and the seductive, sultry, tango music was bouncing off the walls as Aurelia Potter whirled with a little James in her arms. She threw back her head and laughed as he gurgled and clapped his hands.

Their happiness was short lived. In a moment to quick to measure, the windows of the sunroom were blasted in, and Aurelia froze. Framed in the doorway was a man with a blazing white halo of hair, his face grave. He threw Aurelia a little ironic smile, and then stepped aside, revealing the tallest and strangest looking man ever to walk the planet.

It only took her a second to spring into action, screaming for James and telling him to hide…and all the time, the song was playing, the tango, thrumming deeply through his veins, drowning out Aurelia Potter’s screams. The banging on the door was Hagrid, who had heard the ruckus and come running. He had been visiting Aurelia and had been down at the lake, fishing. Whenever he visited he loved to cook dinner, and the Potters didn’t have the heart to tell him no…

He forced his eyes open and was horrified to realize that tears were gathering in his eyes as he swung Lily around, making sure not to collide with the other dancers courageous enough to join them. Lily was staring at him with concern, but she didn’t ask, and they continued the set steps of the tango.

James forgot one part and had to improvise, and Lily looked at him disapprovingly. He drew a shaky breath, trying to forget, forget, and forget. Lily’s smiled faltered and he spun her around so quickly that he was dizzy. Other couples began to leave the floor until James and Lily were the only pair left.

The song tapered off and James bent Lily over, supporting her by one arm like they did in Muggle films. They were breathing heavily, and she stared at him uncertainly. James realized that the roaring in his ears was the cheer of the crowd.

As the very last note of the song played, a bang on the cymbals, James found that his legs were too weak to support him but he stood shakily. James pulled Lily up and stood there for a moment, breathing deeply, inching forward, his focus on her lips. Her mouth was slightly open and she was staring at him in disbelief as he leaned into her.

Horrified, he realized he could taste the cinnamon on her breath and instantly backed away, averting his eyes. Lily stepped away from him and he dimly hear voices, hers asking if he was okay, Patel’s thanking them for attending in her honor, Dumbledore’s dismissing the ball.

He felt a hand in his, soft and warm, dragging him off the floor. Strong hands grabbed him forearms and he didn’t realize they were outside until cool air rushed around him. A brisk wind and started up and he shivered, although his robes kept most of the cold out.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know! It was the music…it was something about the music, Remus…look at him…”

“He’s almost crying! Did you say anything to him, Lily?”

“No, Peter! Of course I didn’t!” Lily put a hand on James’s shoulder and squeezed it, her nails digging into his robe.

“You’re going to rip my robes,” James said quietly. Lily jumped at the sound of his voice and everything came into sharp focus before his eyes. Remus was standing to his right, Peter to his left, and Lily was right in front of him.

“Is that all you can say, James?”

“Put something on, Evans,” James snapped. “You’re going to catch your death in that dress.” He could see the goose bumps on her bare arms; she had forgotten her outer robes in the Great Hall.

Lily waved off the suggestion irritably. “It doesn’t matter. What happened?”

“It’s none of your business, is it, Evans?” James pushed her hand off his shoulder and she glared at him. James saw Peter and Remus back away out of the corners of his eyes.

“It bloody well is when you cry all over me.”

“I didn’t cry.”

“Close enough.”

“That’s it. I’m sick of this. I’m leaving.”

“Where are you going? There’s nowhere you can go.” Lily grabbed his arm. “Don’t sneak out to Hogsmeade and get pissed and shag some random girl, James. You’ll just feel awful in the morning.”

“What I do is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!” James shouted. “Why can’t you just leave me the hell alone?”

“Fine!” She snatched her hand from his arm gestured towards the grounds. “GO! See if I CARE!”

“FINE!” James turned and swiftly walked down the steps of the castle. He distinctly heard Lily’s voice.

“Go after him, dammit! He needs you!”

“Sirius—“

“I’ll get him. Follow him or I’ll just feel guilty! He isn’t worth feeling guilty over!”

Lily had shouted the words in his direction, and although James knew they were simply meant to needle him, it didn’t dull the pain.

Two hours and five shots of firewhiskey later, Sirius, Remus, and Peter caught up with him.

He was pissed, as Lily had said, but he hadn’t shagged a random girl. He was looking forward to the unexpected though. His body was sprawled on the grass in the outskirts of the village and he was just as drunk off the stars and the night as he was off the alcohol.

The toe of a boot dug into his side and James groaned, rolling over and shutting his eyes.

“James Potter, you are royally pissed.”

“Thanks for the update, Sirius,” James rasped, “now get your boot out of my back and shut the hell up.”

“Must I?” asked Sirius. “You’re coming back.” His voice tuned steely. “Now.”

“Sirius!” Remus cried sharply, his voice laced with anger. They were still on the outs with each other.

“Ever the cautious one, Remus,” Sirius sighed. “I don’t care if he’s hurting, my best friend will not lay sprawled on the grass like a common drunkard.”

“Take up a career in motivational speaking and leave me alone, Sirius. You’re giving me a headache.”

“As opposed to when?” his friend asked cheerfully. “Hacking you off is my goal in life.”

“Thanks for that update,” James said. “Now go away.”

“Pardon, did someone just say that they don’t give a damn what you think? Why, yes. It was me.”

James ripped some grass up. “Sirius, I’m fu—“

“Prongs.”

James sighed. “Padfoot.”

“Please? You’ve got Lily worried too.”

“Who cares,” grumbled James. “As long as she doesn’t pry into my life I sure don’t.”

“You don’t mean that,” muttered Peter. James chose not to reply.

“Fine,” said Sirius angrily, reminding James of Lily. “Fine then. You can stay Remus and Peter. I’m going back.” There was the sound of footsteps marching away and then two identical sighs. Peter and Remus dropped onto the grass next to James.

“Hello.”

“Hello,” they chorused.

“I’m so bloody tired of it all,” James muttered. “So tired.”

“Just don’t kill or maim yourself and I’ll be happy.” Remus sat up and squinted into the night. “Hey, I’ll be right back.”

“Nothing’s fair, Wormtail. Especially with Lily. Why were we so stupid? We should have realized what we were saying and about the charm.” James sighed and opened his eyes. Peter’s shocked face hung above him.

“What?”

“You heard me. Sirius doesn’t deserve her.” A part of James knew he shouldn’t be saying these things, but another part of him loved the thrill of it all.

“I suppose because life is crazy and it hates you,” said Peter thoughtfully. “Remus is coming back.”

He came at a run. “Hurry. Aurors. All over. It must be a surprise inspection for safety or something. We have to go. Now.”

James struggled to his feet and Remus and Peter helped to support them. Fifteen minutes later they reached the Shrieking Shack, and quickly dropped into the passage. Sirius was waiting for them at the end and he glared at James.

“Decided to come back now?”

“There were Aurors,” said Remus. “Tons of them. Help me get James up to the castle.”

Sirius looked rather surprised that Remus was talking to him and he slung one of James’s arms over his shoulder.

The used a secret passage to get to Gryffindor tower and very nearly got caught by Filch twice. They finally entered through the portrait hole and dropped into couches with simultaneous sighs. James jerked his head towards Lily, who was sleeping in an armchair by the fire.

“Put her to bed, Sirius.”

“Nah, I’ll just wake her up.”

James was about to tell him not to, but he decided he didn’t really care if Lily lost sleep.

Sirius shook her awake and she opened her eyes slowly, looking around groggily. “Where…oh, are you back now?” she directed this comment at James and said it with the utmost derision.

“Looks like it,” James muttered. Peter was giving him strange looks.

“Well, as long as you aren’t dead. Rosier’s next in line for Head Boy.”

“The school would go to ruin,” James spat.

“My point,” Lily said. “At least with you in the position the damage is minimal.”

“Right.” James was satisfied for a beat. “Hey!”

She was already gone up the stairs.

“I hate her.”

Nobody said anything and James stared hard at the wall. “Is that a snitch?”

Peter looked quickly and sighed in relief. He then frowned. “There’s nothing there.”

“But I could swear I saw—“

James went out cold.

13. Chapter Twelve: I Need You

I own nothing.

Chapter 12: I Need You

[Sometimes When We Touch, by Dan Hill]

December 24, 1977

The whistle blew on the Hogwarts Express and Lily raised her hand to wave at Sirius, Remus, and Peter. She stood there until the train had pulled out of sight and then turned to go back to the castle. She heard a muffled curse beside her.

“Merlin damn your hair, Evans,” James grumbled. “Can’t you tie it up in the wind?”

“Then it wouldn’t be half as pretty,” Lily replied loftily. “Now explain to me why you’re here?”

“Shut up, Evans. This mess isn’t my fault.”

“You couldn’t have gone with Sirius?”

“No. Andromeda doesn’t very much like me since I put frogs in her bed. Oh, and the dead snake.”

“When was this?”

James suppressed a smile. “Summer before sixth year. Just before we visited you, actually.”

Lily shook her head. “Sometimes I think you’re a three-year-old sixteen-year-old.”

“That’s silly! How can I be three and sixteen at the same time?”

Lily mock sighed in derision. “Well, I think we both know the blame really lies with Foibles for convincing Maria Danes to go home with him. I’m sure Clara won’t miss her.”

James snorted. “She’d follow Snape if he asked her to.”

Lily shuddered. “I can’t…I can’t understand that. I could never—I could never sleep around like that.”

Lily glanced at James. He was staring straight ahead, his face a blank mask.

“Sometimes, Lily, the only means of comfort is sex.”

Lily frowned. “Are you referring to something specific?”

“No. I’m just saying that even the best people sometimes turn to physical pleasure to forget things. It’s the second-best kind of sex.”

“Oh, boy. You have classifications?”

James nodded. Lily was silent.

“Oh, all right. Tell me.”

“The best sex is obviously with someone you love and who loves you back.” James held open the doors to the school for her and she nodded her thanks as well as her agreement to his statement.

“The second-best is sex between friends. No strings attached. You know the reason and you know nothing will come of it. You’re doing it for comfort or to prepare yourself for something better.

“But the second-best sex can turn ugly, especially if one of the people has a boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s even worse if one of the people falls for the other person.”

“Is there more?” lily asked.

“Of course. The third-best sex is…well, hot sex.”

Lily coughed and James looked as if he was trying not to smile. They were walking down the passage to Gryffindor tower.

“It’s true. Hot, passionate, sex. Between people who hate each other.”

Lily raised an eyebrow again.

“That’s my system. Sirius is the other way round. He thinks the third is the best, than the first, and then the second. Peter has no clue what we’re talking about. Remus agrees with me.”

Lily shook her head slowly. “You have everything figured out,” she said softly. “And I’m like Peter. I don’t know the difference.”

“Well, use an example. Remus and Sunny were obviously number one. Sirius and Ana were number two--”

“Sirius and Ana went out?” Lily said sharply.

James froze. “Er…not really. Sixth year. They had a fling while Amy and I were going out.”

Lily nodded. “All right.”

“Maria and I had a purely physical relationship.”

“Number three.”

James nodded. “Amy and I had second-best sex turned ugly. She fell for me. I didn’t fall for her.”

Lily hesitated before asking her last question.

“And…?”

“I’m still waiting for the first-best-sex of my life,” James said solemnly, turning to face her. He gave the password to the Fat Lady and they stood in front of the open portrait hole, staring at each other. Lily dropped her gaze first and went into the common room.

He followed behind her wordlessly, but Lily could feel his eyes on her back all the way up to her dormitory. She felt a hot flush over her entire body and knew, without a doubt, that nothing good would come of the conversation they had just held.

December 28, 1977

Lily breathed in cold, fresh air and blew it out, watching it rise towards the white sky. It would snow soon. She rubbed her gloved hands together and began walking around the lake again.

She came back to the place where she started and noticed that James was walking towards her. He had traveled around in the other direction. She waited for him to meet her and then turned and began walking with him.

A comfortable silence lay between the two.

“I’ll race you back to where we started,” Lily said when they had reached the halfway point.

James looked at her impassively. Lily blushed. He knew she was trying to draw him out. She could tell. A slow smile spread over his features.

“Okay. Do you want a head start?”

“I’m not a weakling.” She grinned at him and then took off running.

“Hey! You cheated!” he yelled after her. Lily just smiled and ran faster. He was behind her the whole time and she looked back to see how close he was. He was only about ten meters away when she tripped and fell flat on her face.

He erupted into laughter and Lily scowled. She shrieked as something cold went down her back.

“JAMES POTTER!”

The smile melted off his face and his features hardened. The expression would have scared her if she didn’t know that his eyes were teasing. “I’m afraid you asked for it, cheater,” he said softly, his words carrying across the empty grounds.

“Not on your life,” Lily answered, just as quietly, throwing a snowball she had in her hand straight in his face. James ducked and it went flying through the air, hitting a tree and leaving a small patch of snow on the otherwise clean bark. He scooped up some snow and she took off running, making a snowball as she went. Something hit the back of her head and she turned, running backwards, and aimed her snowball at James’s chest. It hit dead on.

Lily would have been smug if she hadn’t tripped again and fallen onto her backside. James pelted her with three snowballs in quick succession.

“Can we join?”

Lily and James looked to the side and saw a group of Ravenclaws standing on the side. They were an assortment of first, second, fifth, and seventh years. Lily saw some Hufflepuffs heading down from the castle.

James grinned. “Or course. Girls against boys.”

“Now, James. That’s not very nice,” Lily said mockingly. “We’ll count off. Ones are me, twos are James.”

The rest of the students quickly counted off. The Hufflepuffs had arrived and they also counted off. Each team, headed by Lily and James respectively, had fourteen people on it.

“Get ready to go down,” James smirked.

“Don’t be too cocky,” Lily smirked back. “We start in five minutes.”

“Three.”

“Four.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

“Gotcha.”

“Damn,” Lily said. “Fine. Three minutes, you cheater. That was some mean negotiating.”

Three minutes later, while Lily was still strategizing with her team, a snowball hit one of her teammates, a Ravenclaw seventh year, in the head. She dusted off the snow and glared in the other direction.

“Oi! Prat! You want to sleep alone tonight?”

A chorus of jeers erupted from both teams and a boy turned bright red. Lily took advantage of the other’s team’s inattentiveness and began to pelt them with snowballs.

What followed was the best snowball fight of Lily’s life. Halfway through the numbers began to dwindle and some couples went off alone together. Lily cloak had fallen off at some point and she searched for it, shivering. She finally found it and performed a quick drying spell on her clothes. As she was putting it on, she saw James running down behind Hagrid’s hut. Lily followed him.

He was looking for something, she saw, as she bent down to scoop up some snow. She snuck up behind him and stuck it down his shirt.

“Aiyyyyyy!” he yelled, straightening up right away. Lily jumped back and laughed.

“Damn, Lily. That was cold! I’m missing my gloves. Some first year ran off with them back here.”

Lily gave him an incredulous look. “When?” she asked, looking at his almost blue hands.

“Er…about fifteen minutes in,” he said sheepishly, wiping beneath his nose.

“James…we’ve been out here almost two and a half hours.”

James winced. “I know. The warming spell wore off about ten minutes ago.”

“Silly boy,” Lily said, taking his hands and placing them in her cloak. James glanced at her eyes and she met his unwaveringly.

“They’re still cold,” he whispered after a moment, licking his chapped lips.

Lily hesitated for only a second before drawing his hands under her jumper and her t-shirt. She shivered as soon as his freezing hands met her hot skin and she drew in a sharp breath, jumping. James moved closer to her and kept his hands still, looking very intently at her face, which she struggled to keep blank. This was surreal. She had a boyfriend and she had just put another man’s hands in her shirt, while Sirius had hardly even gotten there. Yet…strangely, this felt more right than anything Sirius had ever done with his hands.

James’s hands inched higher until they were just skimming the bottom of her bra. Lily took a deep, startled breath and her eyes flew to his. His hazel irises were absolutely serious as he looked down at her, a question in his eyes. Lily’s breathing sped up and her mouth went dry; her heart raced. She made a slight movement with her head, not really sure whether it was a nod to say yes or a shake to say no, and felt his hand cover her breast.

“Oh god,” she murmured, pressing her face into the soft fabric of his jumper and placing her hands around his waist, within his cloak. James thumb flicked over her nipple and she gasped at the sensation of his rough skin chafing her through the satiny fabric. A soft sound escaped from her mouth and on instinct, she pressed her pelvis against his, gasping as she felt his reaction.

She froze and looked at him. His hand continued to move lightly over the soft swells of her breasts and over her curves, but his other held her completely steady. She was glad for the support. Her knees were already jelly and if he kissed her, as it looked like he was about to do, she would collapse.

His was staring at her lips and unconsciously she licked them. She pressed herself hard against him and he gasped slightly, his mouth opening, and she felt his further reaction to her movement. Experimentally, she moved her hips against his and James closed his eyes in bliss and stilled his hand under her shirt, reciprocating her action with his own movement.

Something pressed against her inner thigh and she had a pretty good idea of what it was.

She stood on her tip toes and looked him in the eye. Her lips were just centimeters away from his and she could taste the mint on his breath.

“Lily…” his voice came out in a harsh whisper. “I need—we can’t do this. Sirius would…”

“I think we’re already pretty guilty,” Lily said thickly. She inched closer and her breath mingled with his.

“I mean…I can’t stop myself,” James rasped, clearing his throat. The back door to Hagrid’s hut opened and James pushed her away and slid his hands out from under her shirt, leaving her feeling cold and bereft. He pulled his cloak shut and looked up guiltily at the burly man in the door.

“James. Lily. These yer gloves? Some firs’ years ran into my hut and left ‘em here.”

“Those are mine,” James said, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat again and took the gloves from Hagrid’s huge hands.

“Would you like a spot o’ tea?” asked Hagrid eagerly.

James nodded but Lily declined hastily. Hagrid asked her if she was sure and she still said no. The tension in the air would be too much for her to take. She wasn’t exactly sure what had just happened; but in five minutes, she had gone farther with James than she ever had with Sirius. She needed time to think, time to plan what the hell she was going to say when she talked with James, as she inevitably would.

“Right then. If yer sure, Lily.”

“I’m sure,” Lily said shakily, glancing up and meeting James’s eyes. They had darkened slightly and she quickly turned away and began walking towards the castle, knowing she was being rude but hardly caring at all.

“Something happen, James? You two looked spooked,” she heard Hagrid ask, before his door shut with a snap.

Halfway to the castle Lily collapsed on the ground and cast a quick warming spell on herself. She sighed and spread her legs and arms out, making a snow angel. It was getting dark out and she could see the moon faintly.

What just happened? She asked herself. Did we just…? Oh, lord. Am I stupid or just completely lacking common sense? But…it felt good....

Lily turned on her side and a shiver went up her spine as she remembered just how good it had felt. She never felt anything so intense in her life. It made her feel so damn guilty she could barely focus. Sirius hadn’t cheated on her, despite his reputedly fickle nature. She had done the unthinkable and cheated on him, with his best friend, no less.

She didn’t know how to deal with something like this. She’d never had this type of problem before. It was strangely…exciting, but nerve wracking at the same time.

He wouldn’t kiss me. He wouldn’t do more with me.

Somehow, that made Lily’s feelings for James intensify.

WHAT?

NO! I do not under ANY circumstances have FEELINGS FOR JAMES POTTER. Lapse of judgment—no, lapse of GOOD judgment...that’s all it was.

“Lily?”

He seemed to have given up all pretense of using her surname to address her. She would have welcomed this before but now it just scared her.

Nooooooooooooo…

“What are you doing?”

“I’m lying in the snow. Isn’t it obvious?”

“Not particularly. Why are you lying in the snow?”

“I’m thinking.”

“About what?”

Lily shot him a look and he winced.

“Yes, yes. Very loaded question.”

“Do you want to talk about this rationally, James?”

“Can we talk about it irrationally?”

Lily took a deep breath. “I put your hands under my shirt.”

“Because they were cold,” James said. “You didn’t want me to—“ He flushed.

“And then…you moved your hands higher.”

“Yea,” he whispered.

“We didn’t mean for it to happen.”

“That doesn’t make it any better Lily,” he said sharply. James would be rather torn up about something like this, Lily reflected, because Sirius was, in every way that mattered, his brother.

“I’m going to tell you the truth.” He sat next to her. “I wanted to—no, I needed to touch you like that. You don’t understand Lily. When you grabbed my hands and put them on your waist it was like this bloody shock shooting from my hands into my blood.” He shook his head. “What did you expect me to do? Hold still? Of course not. So I moved closer and I…moved my hands slightly. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that kind of need.”

Lily blushed to the roots of her hair. “I have.”

“Right,” James said, almost bitterly. “Right.”

Oh God. He probably thought she was some sort of scarlet woman now. “So now what? Since you’ve just felt me up.”

James glared at her and leaned so close she could see the gold and green flecks in his eyes. “You put my hands in your shirt,” he whispered softly, “and you think that a boy that’s fancied you for four years and imagined what’s under that shirt for two wouldn’t try to touch you? Excuse me if I think your logic is just a little shoddy. You didn’t push me away. You didn’t tell me to stop and the sounds you made sure as hell didn’t tell me you were even trying to stop me. In fact, I think you wanted me to shag you right up against the wall of Hagrid’s hut.”

Before she knew what she was doing, Lily raised her hand to slap him. He caught her wrist and shook her arm slightly.

“Don’t dare slap me, Lily. You don’t have the right.”

“What do you mean, I don’t have the—“

“’Oh, James, you look so much more boyish when you smile like that, Oh, James, thank you so much, My, James, you’ve certainly grown up some, Oh, James, I’m so glad you helped me…’” James said in a high falsetto. His voice switched to a harsh whisper. “You’ve been leading me on since bloody September first. Don’t even try to—to—“

“I have not!” Lily said hotly.

“You kissed me, Lily!”

“I was mad out of my mind with fear! Have you been harping on that stupid kiss since then? That’s pathetic, James. All you ever do is think about yourself. You’re really no different from fifth year, are you? You’re still your arrogant, selfish, pricky self. Just because you stopped hexing Snape doesn’t mean you’re a better person. You need to grow the fuck up!”

James went white, paler than she’d ever seen him, and clenched his fists. His eyes were very bright and he took a deep breath. He stared at a point far off in the distance and smiled tightly at her.

“All right Lily. All right then.”

With that, he left her in the snow, very confused, and very, very cold.

December 31, 1977

The next four days passed in a hazy blur for Lily. She hadn’t spoken to James at all and New Year’s Eve found her sitting in the Heads’ bath soaking and staring off into space. There was a sick, guilty feeling in the pit of her stomach and every time she breathed she felt as if she was underwater.

Her nails, which had always been rather long and shapely, were bitten to the quick and ragged from the amount of biting she had been doing. Never before had she been nervous enough to bite her nails.

Sirius had been so good to her. Despite his image as a man-whore and a player, he had never cheated on her. She would have known. Somebody would have told her.

Then again, he’d never really done anything but snog her.

Lily started and some water splashed over the edge of the bath. She had never thought that before.

“Sirius is a good boyfriend,” she said aloud to the empty bathroom. Her voice sounded eerie in the steamy air.

Nagging doubts began to fill her mind. He never talked to her about anything. She knew next to nothing about his family and less about his life. She knew that he liked peanut butter and strawberry ice cream with chocolate sauce and that he hated vanilla. She knew…

…that he never told her anything. He didn’t tell her how the Marauders stayed with Remus on the nights of the full moon. He didn’t tell her what was going on between him and James. He wouldn’t tell her when he had a bloody test in Advanced Transfiguration.

And James…

“Stop!” she said firmly to herself. She wasn’t going to compare them. She’d never had any problems with Sirius until James…

….until James felt her up. Everything about James was so confusing. He wasn’t supposed to grow up…he was supposed to stay a prick so she would never feel guilty about hurting him…and she had hurt him.

He had been right. She had been leading him on. She had not meant to, but ever since that first train ride something had changed between them, and she had not meant to make him think she was interested.

She had, though. She had made him think she was interested.

Imagine that. YOU ONLY PUT HIS HANDS IN YOUR SHIRT, you TART!

She felt a suspicious burning in her eyes. She was a tart. She had cheated on her boyfriend, Sirius-bloody-Black, whom every girl in the school wanted. She was such an ungrateful person, so—

“Fuck.”

Lily gasped and looked up. James’s voice had drifted through the half-open door.

She wasn’t exactly surprised. Subconsciously, she had been expecting him.

“God damn stupid homework. Stupid fireplace. Can’t stay lit for twenty minutes.”

She heard the scraping of a chair being pulled out, the sound of a rucksack dropping to the floor, and the muffled thump of a body falling into an armchair. Quietly, so as not to disturb the water too much, she got out of them bath and step onto the charmed tiles. They were warm. She picked up an everlastingly fluffy and hot towel and wrapped it around her body.

There was a muffled curse outside and the door to the bath slammed open, revealing James Potter with ink stains all over his hands, arms, and face. Lily caught her breath and wrapped her towel tighter around her body.

“Da—“ James cut himself off as he noticed her and went pale.

“I-I was—“

“I’m going to g-go,” he stammered, shutting the door and quickly backing out.

Lily looked after him absently and began to dress herself in slacks and a plain white t-shirt. She put her towel over the rack to dry and opened the door to the Heads’ Commons slowly.

James sat on the floor near the fire, propped up against an armchair, with books and papers spread all around him. He still had ink all over his hands but it was gone from his face and arms. He wasn’t working on anything, just staring into the dancing flames.

“Scourgify,” Lily said quietly, flicking her wand at his hands. James didn’t move.

“Thanks,” he said without moving his head.

“It’s nothing,” Lily returned.

James took a shuddering breath. “I didn’t know—I didn’t come here to look at you—I—“

“I know,” Lily cut him off. “I know.”

“I don’t want to hate you, Lily,” James said, almost desperately. “Please. Don’t make me hate you.”

“I don’t want you to hate me either,” Lily whispered. “I don’t. I just don’t know how to deal with this.”

“Then I don’t think we should talk to each other, Lily,” James said stiffly. “I really don’t.”

Lily opened her mouth to protest but the look on his face was absolutely final. Defeated, she walked out of the portrait hole and made her way back to Gryffindor tower. She picked up a book from her bedside table and began to read.

Gifts of a Soul-Searcher

1.) Reading of auras

2.) Ability to spot the disingenuous

3.) Reading of strong emotions

4.) Reading of souls

Basic Soul-Searching

Basic soul-searching consists of two elements: the fundamental gift of soul-searching and intense concentration for a beginner. Once basic searching is mastered it will be almost second-nature to a soul-searcher.

1.) Choose a subject—it is best to begin work with animals because their minds and souls are less complex than human ones. Their auras are stronger than the average human’s.

2.) Place your hands in the air around the subject. DO NOT TOUCH THE SUBJECT’S SKIN OR CLOTHES. Adding these elements to a searching will be incredibly confusing to a beginner.

3.) Concentrate hard on the person and drag you hands across their torso in the air. It should feel as though you are dragging you hands through a substance. The feeling will depend on how open the subject is.

People of dark moods will have a very cold aura that is darkly colored. People of good moods will have light, breezy auras, which—

Lily shut the book with a snap and threw it across the room. She didn’t feel like reading about happy people.

She turned onto her side and cried herself to sleep.

January 1, 1978

Lily and James sat on opposite ends of a bench in the Hogsmeade station and stared at the ground. Both looked up quickly when the sound of the train pulling in filled the air. Students began to pour out, many laughing and smiling. Lily spotted Sirius striding towards their bench, his trunk floating behind him, with Remus and Peter following at a run. Lily and James stood up.

Sirius’s eyes were bright against his pale face. His long, dark hair was windblown. He looked absolutely gorgeous.

“Sirius,” Remus began, “Don’t—“

Sirius drew back his arm and punched James in the jaw. There was a sickening crack of breaking bone and James staggered backwards against the bench. Lily gasped.

“You thought I wouldn’t know, is that it?” Sirius whipped his head around and looked at Lily. “You thought I wouldn’t know, Lily?”

“How do you—“

Sirius threw a piece of paper at her feet.

The words were written in a strange—almost other-worldly—font. Lily read aloud.

“At 3:49 p.m. on December 28, 1977, the relationship between Sirius Phinaes Black and Lily Ciara Evans ended when James Godric Potter placed his hands in an inappropriate—What the hell is this, Sirius? Who sent this to you?”

“Ciara?” asked Peter softly

“It’s Irish,” Lily snapped. “Well, Sirius?”

“Fuck this, Lily. You don’t have the right to ask me anything.” He turned to James and ignored her. “You’re my fucking brother, James. How the hell could—“

“Who sent this to you, Sirius?” Lily asked, her voice rising in pitch. The idea that someone had watched her and James made her feel sick. It made her feel violated. “I asked you who you hired to watch me!”

“I didn’t ask anyone!” Sirius bit out. “The spell automatically—“

“A spell?” Lily shrieked. “You cast a spell—“

“The Betting Charm!” Sirius exploded, throwing up his hands and running them through his hair. Thankfully, the platform had emptied.

Lily had trouble breathing. “A bet?” she asked faintly. “You made a-a bet?”

“No, Lily. I randomly cast a Betting Charm.” Sirius said with a roll of his eyes.

Lily faced James, who was beginning to develop a bruise on his jaw. “Did you know?” she asked.

James spat blood onto his palm and glared at Sirius. “Of course I did.”

For the second time in a week Lily raised her hand to slap James but he caught her wrist again and step forward until his face was inches from hers. “Why the hell are you going to slap me when he made the bet?”

Lily opened her mouth to tell him exactly why but couldn’t. If she said Because I care more that you didn’t tell me she would never be able to live it down. She said nothing instead but stepped away from James and face Sirius again, who was glaring at them intensely.

“I want to know everything,” she spat. “Now.”

Sirius stared at her before nodding. “Fine,” he muttered. He motioned to Remus and Peter, who looked reluctant, and then to James, who shook his head.

“No. I refuse. Just tell her.”

“What are you talking about?” Lily asked.

“This is the only way,” Sirius snapped. “Now do the fucking spell.”

James sighed and stepped forward before placing his wand on Lily’s forehead. Sirius placed his at her left temple. Remus walked around and placed his at her lower back. Peter put his wand to her right temple. They now formed a square around her.

“What are you—“

“Memoria meus.”

“In hic loco.”

“Ostende.”

“Nunc.”

It felt as if a giant hand had grabbed her entire body and was pulling her backwards. A strange heat was spread across her skin, starting under each wand that was touching her body. A great shock went through her and she stopped moving abruptly. She stumbled but a hand on her arm held her upright.

She looked around. It was daytime and students were milling about. The scene looked faded, as if it were a picture that had been stored in a box for a long time. There were small patches of snow melting in the sun.

Which was strange, since she couldn’t feel any heat.

It had to be right after the Easter holidays. A few meters away stood Sirius, James, Remus and Peter.

Right next to her stood Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter. Lily jumped.

“What the—“ She cut herself off. Her voice was breathy and sounded--transparent, as if she didn’t exist.

“It’s not a well-known spell,” said Remus. “Rowena Ravenclaw left the workings of it in her bedchambers. James finished it.”

Lily looked around again. “Can you—“

“Nobody can see you,” said Sirius irritably. “Now listen. That’s what you wanted.” He put a hand on the small of her back and pushed her forward until she was right next to the younger versions on the Marauders.

“Let me get this straight,” Sirius said. “You want me to stay with a girl for six months and not cheat on her?”

“Yes,” said James. “It’ll teach you how to have a steady relationship.”

“Oh yes, Prongs. You’re so good at that,” said Remus dryly. “This is wrong.”

“It’s all harmless fun,” said James dismissively. “We’ll pick someone suitable for Sirius. Someone he could actually fall in love with.”

“And what do I get?” asked Sirius. “If I win?”

“A girl,” said James.

Peter was fiddling with his wand. “Collopromio.”

Sirius whirled around. “A betting charm? Good idea, Wormtail.” He turned back to James. “That isn’t enough.”

“You get a girl, three Galleons, and Prongs will walk out naked on the Quidditch pitch during a match painted red and gold.”

A piece of parchment appeared in the air and the information was recorded in the same font on the letter Lily had held earlier.

“Well, Wormtail. Aren’t you just being crafty?” said James. “I’m not doing that.”

“You have to,” said Sirius. “The spell will make you.”

“Okay. I’m beginning to have a bad feeling about—“

“And we get a galleon each and you have to walk out painted red and gold naked at a Quidditch match if you lose the girl before six months is up,” finished Peter.

“The girl?”

Remus snorted. “If we’re going to be fair just make it Lily Evans. James loses the girl he fancies to Sirius, who breaks up with Lily and loses his dignity on the pitch.”

“You idiot,” hissed Sirius, as more words appeared on the parchment. “Do you realize what you did?”

Remus paled. “Oh, shit. Prongs—I didn’t think—“

James’s face was strangely emotionless. “I’m over her,” he said after a moment. He looked at his friends. “I really am!” he insisted after his friends looked at him disbelievingly.

“Fine.” Sirius paused and a thoughtful look passed over his face. “Does this mean I can shag Evans?”

Lily squeezed her eyes shut and flushed. She hated being talked about like that. James’s hand on her arm tightened.

“We’re going,” said the real James loudly.

“Wait,” Lily protested. “I want to—“

“Only if she’ll let you,” said the old James. “Don’t force her. Actually, let’s add that to the bet. You can’t sleep with Evans until six months have passed.”

Sirius mouthed soundlessly at James, who began walking up to the castle.

Lily turned her head to look at the real James, who was looking away. He put his wand to her forehead and the other boys placed theirs in the appropriate places.

“Memoriae finis.”

“Videre vidi.”

“Prope conspectus.”

“Ad praessens.”

14. Chapter Thirteen: Circles

I own nothing.

At the end of this chapter, James is pissed off. And he isn’t going to be the nice, noble Head boy we all know and love. He’s going to be a normal seventeen year old boy—who feels betrayed. I hope he doesn’t shock you.

Chapter 13: Circles

[Greener with the Scenery, by The Used]

January 1, 1978

The wind stopped blowing and everything settled into its normal peaceful state as James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Peter appeared back in the present. James carefully drew his wand away from Lily’s forehead and put it in the pocket of his robes.

“I should slap you,” Lily said quietly to Sirius, her voice full of contained rage. Remus and Peter quickly backed up and Sirius put down his wand.

“You could,” he said, “but I still want to know what the fuck you and my best friend did while I wasn’t here.”

Lily stepped closer to Sirius and James finally backed up.

“Go away,” Lily whispered without turning her head. “All three of you. Leave.”

Remus motioned to Peter and James. Against his better judgment, James turned and followed his friend up to the castle, sick with worry. Lily would surely kill Sirius.

“You shouldn’t have—“

“I know, Peter,” James snapped. “Shut the fuck up!”

Peter went silent and James saw Remus give him a sideways glance.

“Is something wrong, Remus?” James said politely but snidely.

“No,” Remus said quietly. “Except that this is serious. Padfoot isn’t going to get over this in a few days. Or even weeks.”

James sighed. “Do you think I don’t know that, Moony?” He ran his hand over his face. “This is all wrong. She wasn’t supposed to find out like this.”

They walked in silence until they reached the portrait. Peter gave the password (Romaine lettuce) and walked in. James made to follow him, but Remus grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back out. The portrait closed and the Fat Lady looked at them curiously.

“What did you do? He wouldn’t tell us but he was so hacked off—“

“I didn’t do anything, Moony! She put my hands up her shirt. It isn’t my fault that I couldn’t help myself. You know I’ve got feelings for Lily. You know.”

“Well I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my bloody mouth shut,” spat Remus, “but you need to understand that Padfoot was seriously hurt by this. He did care for Lily. He didn’t love her, but he cared for her more than any other girl he—“

“Don’t you dare tell me how hurt Padfoot is by this! He knew. He tried to deny it but he knew that I was in-bloody-fatuated with her!”

“You always told us you weren’t!”

“Well he should’ve known! He’s always known! I don’t expect you or Peter to but Sirius—Padfoot is my best friend—you and Peter—we wouldn’t have even—we—“

“I know I’ve always come second to you, Prongs, but—“

“Well then stop acting as if you’re my brother! You aren’t! You aren’t half—I can’t—“ All the frustration was pouring out of him, and the only person to attack was Remus, Remus who had never done anything to him, who had never been anything but himself. “We only learned how to transform because we felt sorry for you!”

The words slipped out before he could stop them, before he could temper them.

Remus opened his mouth to say something but he paled and stepped back from James as if he had been struck. James felt as if cold water had been poured over him as he saw Remus’s expression.

If there was one thing Remus hated, it was pity.

“No. Wait, Remus. I don’t want to make a rift between us because of a girl.” James was backpedaling furiously, but there was nothing for it.

Remus shook his head and swallowed audibly.

James put out a hand but Remus recoiled. “Don’t touch me,” he rasped.

Remus turned and walked briskly down the hall. He bumped into Sirius at the corner, but Sirius just shoved past him and continued towards the portrait. He didn’t pause when he saw James and just continued past him into the common room. James opened his mouth to call after his best friend, but stopped himself.

As quickly as his anger had risen, it quelled. His chest ached and he felt as if he was suffocating. He felt strangely hollow, as if something was missing.

Something was missing.

The bond between the Marauders had finally—inevitably, because in James’s world nothing lasted—been broken.

January 20, 1978

It had been nineteen days. Nineteen. It was an insanely large amount.

None of them had spoken to each other. Sirius was holed up in the dormitory, James was sleeping in the Heads’ rooms, Peter had been sleeping in the Gryffindor common room, and Remus was sleeping in the Shrieking Shack.

And Lily…

Well, suffice to say, James and Lily had reverted their old selves, and couldn’t talk to each other without biting the other’s head off. James knew their sudden animosity towards each other had startled their peers, especially the prefects and the Quidditch team, who had to spend a lot of time in their mutual presence.

The worst though, were the classes in Ancient magic. Their numbers had dwindled greatly, for it seemed that everyone in the class had not had enough magic to actually work with, as Patel had said. The only people left were James, Lily, and Maria. Maria only heightened the sense of tension that followed James and Lily, and most of the explosions from the two had occurred in the amphitheatre.

McGonagall had already spoken to James about their class disruptions, and James had come up with a plan. Since Lily wouldn’t talk to him—he would avoid her.

So far, it wasn’t working. Everywhere he went, she went. It was driving James mad, and he had no one to vent to.

Then again, he hadn’t had anyone to vent to about Lily since Sirius had become her boyfriend. But this was different. It was different because he wouldn’t even have the option of talking to any of his friends.

And James wanted to know the extent of the damage. He wanted to know how badly the bond between he and his friends had been broken.

This was why he ended up reading one of his books on Ancient Magic during History of Magic while he sat in the back. Half the class was asleep, including Sirius. James, Sirius, Lily, Remus, and Peter all sat in a sort of warped square, and no one noticed James’s concentration on his History book, which was really called Healing: A Look Into Rarity.

Fundamentals

Most Empathic Healers posses some of the gifts on their branch, although not all do. The most commonly found Healing gifts are Inspirational and Amoratical magic. Linking is slightly rarer, and the rarest gift on the Empathic Healing branch is Soul-searchery.

Of course, a Full Empath, and therefore a Full Healer, is the rarest gift of the entire branch.

James was a Full Empath. Just barely, Patel had told him. He had next to no magic of Soul-searching, but he was very strong in both Linking and Inspiration. He had more Amoratical power than he did Soul-searchery, but not too much more. Enough to cast enchantments over women, Patel had said.

James flipped through the chapters until he came upon the one about Linking. He felt eyes upon him and looked up. Lily was staring at him, her brow furrowed, no doubt wondering what he was doing holding a book. She had probably seen him touch a book once, or, if she was lucky, twice.

James met her gaze fiercely and Lily tossed her head, looking away from him. She was just too damn proud.

James turned his eyes back to his book and flipped through the pages until he came across a section that actually told him how to perceive Links.

Close your eyes and think very carefully about the Links you want to see between which people. Picture these people in you mind, focusing on their personalities. Breathe deeply through your nose and straighten you spine so that the magic can flow freely up from your diaphragm. Listen to every sound you can hear and every smell you can detect. Open your eyes slowly and continue to breathe deeply. You should see the Links that have been made between the people you have thought of…

James didn’t read the part about creating Links. He closed his eyes and began to breathe as the book had told him to, sitting up even straighter than he normally did. He thought of his friends, and, of course, of Lily.

He could hear the sound of light snoring, of Binns droning on, of quills scratching on parchment and deep breathing. He could hear the wind against the windows. He could faintly smell the different perfumes used by Clara Danes and Lily. He could especially detect Lily’s, which smelled like apples. He could smell sugar quills, lemon flavored, and he could smell the musty scent on old books.

Slowly, he opened his eyes, and bit back a gasp.

He could see dark, deep purple thread connecting him and his three best friends. It was a thick thread, more like a rope, and when he looked down, it was attached to his heart. He reached a hand out to touch it but pulled it back instead. He could see bright gold shining underneath the purple than connected him to Sirius, and silver in his and Sirius’s connections to Remus. There was only purple between the three of them and Peter.

He turned his attention to his Link with Sirius. All the other colors and Links faded into the background. He frowned and tried to look at Remus’s link, and the other’s faded. Interesting, he thought.

Between James and Sirius the thread was frayed, frayed so badly patches of gold were shining through, but the gold looked tarnished with black. Close to Sirius’s heart was where the most damage was, and in the center only a small thread connected the two halves of the Link. Between James and Remus there was a long line of silver showing, and blackness covered almost all of the exposed light. The rope was not as badly frayed as James’s and Sirius’s connection, but the damage was there, and there were just as few threads connecting the center of the Link.

James turned his attention to the Links between Sirius and Lily. It was a dark red connection, spotted with black and shot through with tiny wisps of blue. The line was smooth, only frayed in some places. There were thin, fragile lines connecting Peter and Remus with Lily, and both were yellow.

James swallowed and looked at his own Link to Lily.

He threw his hand over his eyes and stifled a cry. The Link shone brightly with gold, red, and, most prominently, blue. The colors—aside from the gold—were dull and muted, as if someone had placed a screen over them. It was as thick as both his arms put together, and attached right at the center of his heart, and the center of Lily’s. He reached his hand out and touched the Link gently, feeling its warmth suffuse him with light and pure good.

He was breathing harshly now and people were staring at him, a small part of his mind noted, but he paid them no mind. He closed his finger around the Link and gave it a tug downwards, looking up at the same moment and locking eyes with Lily.

She let out a sharp cry and jumped out of her chair. Binns finally stopped his lecture and everyone looked at Lily. Her cry broke James’s concentration and he gasped, sucking his breath in through his teeth. He was shaking. The pull he had felt had been phenomenal and his heart felt so bruised it ached.

“Miss Elmwood, are you alright?”

Lily didn’t answer. She was glaring at James. “What the fuck did you just do?” she growled.

“Miss Elmwood?”

“Evans. Miss Evans.”

“Yes, yes. Do you need to go to the hospital wing, Miss Yevans?”

Lily tore her eyes from James’s and shook her head. “No. I-I’ll be fine.”

Binns nodded and continued on with his lecture. James looked down at his book and kept his eyes there for the rest of the lesson. He made sure he was the first to leave the room and walked quickly to the Heads’ room, where all his belongings were.

There was one thing James had not deigned to share with Lily about the Heads’ rooms, and that was that there were bedrooms leading off the common rooms. James had discovered this purely by accident, when he had one day leaned against the wall in a certain position. He had fallen through the wall and into a bedroom that was decorated much like his dormitory, although the bed was two times the size of his dorm bed. He had opened the door on the side wall and it had revealed another bedroom.

Now, James began to pull of his things into the bedroom. He had just dropped his bag on the floor when he heard the first screams.

He flew to the window and looked out across the grounds, over the Quidditch pitch and past the forest. He could see smoke billowing up from the village of Hogsmeade, could hear screams rising in the wintry air. He turned in a flurry of robes and left the bedroom.

Lily was just entering the Heads’ common room, out of breath and with an ashen face. Wordlessly, she took his wrist and pulled him quickly through the portrait hole, through the lounge, out to the loud halls of Hogwarts, where pandemonium had taken hold. Only half the people seemed to know what was going on. He saw people running around and telling each other that the village was under attack.

Lily had pulled him into the entrance hall just as McGonagall’s voice, eerie and disembodied, blared out through the halls, commanding everyone to go into the Great Hall. Lily hesitated before changing direction and leading him into the hall.

Gradually, all the students had entered the room. Lily let go of James’s wrist quickly, and the two of them, avoiding each other’s gaze, went to stand near Dumbledore and McGonagall at the front of the room.

“QUIET!” McGonagall yelled. Half the Hall quieted.

“BE SILENT!” Dumbledore roared, and total silence reigned in the room. Dumbledore looked, for the first time ever, very worried.

“Hogsmeade is under attack by Dementors.” He paused and let these words sink in. “It is likely that Voldemort himself will join the battle. I ask—“ He paused again and looked about the room. “I ask you to help at the end, those of you who are able. All those of you in sixth and seventh year. We will need help to clean up the village.”

Immediately, all the seventh year Hufflepuffs stood up, and half of the sixth years. A large group of Ravenclaws stood and Remus and Sirius stepped forward. Peter was only a pace behind. Several sixth year Gryffindors joined the line, including Maria Danes. To James’s surprise, a handful of Slytherins joined the line, and James eyes them warily.

An array of forty or so students stood before Dumbledore now, and the Headmaster nodded.

“Your Head Boy and Girl shall lead your mission. We will call for you when it is time. Until I myself or Professor McGonagall deems it safe, no student is to leave this room, under any circumstances. In the event of the battle leading into the night, suitable means to sleep will appear. I leave you in the care of Professor Patel and your Head students. Take care, all of you.”

James watched in awe as Dumbledore walked out of the room, his back straight and dignity gathering about him. Then energy in the air around his was palpable.

The doors shut behind the Headmaster with a slam, and all was quiet for a long time.

They were called shortly after dawn the next morning. The sixth and seventh year students walked briskly down to the village, which was in total ruin. Storefronts had been blasted to bits, doors were hanging off hinges, and walls were still burning. The smell of charred flesh hung in the air.

James fought the urge to be sick. Bodies lay strewn across the ground and soot covered the ground. McGonagall walked up to their party.

“Divide them. A fourth to damage control on the buildings, a fourth to helping the wounded, a fourth to making sure there aren’t any of the enemy left, and the rest to…to help with the bodies. Tell anyone that completes their task to join another group. I’ll be over at the Three Broomsticks with the Headmaster.” McGonagall eyed him and Lily. “Now we’ll see if we made the right choice.”

James felt guilt rise in him. Dumbledore had overlooked all of his misdemeanors and mischievous antics to give him the Head Boy badge, and he repaid it by acting like a spoiled child.

“Yes, Professor,” he said quietly. McGonagall nodded to him and walked up the High Street to the pub, where people were departing to St. Mungo’s.

James cleared his throat and turned to the people surrounding him. After a head count he determined that there were forty-two people in all. “Alright,” he rasped. “Alright,” he said again, more clearly this time. “Count off by fours!”

Everyone counted off and James realized with a start that he hadn’t counted himself for Lily, so there were forty-four people. He hesitated before stepping up to the group that was to deal with the dead bodies. Lily did not look at him as she stepped into the group that was to make sure there wasn’t any enemy left.

“Okay!” she yelled over the din. “Get going!”

They broke off into groups. James walked hesitantly forward and realized that the rest of the group was going to follow him. He frowned in disapproval. He was no braver than they were.

There was no way to tell who was wounded and who was dead, so thick was the layer of bodies on the ground.

People came to help. People from the Ministry—they’re all dead, James realized.

He shut his eyes and breathed deeply, just as his book had told him to. He thought briefly of the instructions in the book, the ones that told him how to look at auras. He opened his eyes and blinked to adjust his vision as brightness assailed him. The people standing were shining brightly, or maybe it was bright compared to the people on the ground, who had no auras whatsoever aside from a pearly white shimmer about their skin. There and again there was a shimmer of weak color from a living person.

“Okay,” he heard himself say. He put out his wand. “Faxio!”

A red X was now branded across the chest of every dead person. It was a sea of red. James again fought nausea.

“How did you do that?”

James’s concentration broke at the sound of Sirius’s voice and the auras disappeared. The X’s remained.

“The Branding Hex. It’s a sixth year hex, Sirius.”

“I know. But how did you who’s dead and who isn’t?”

James shrugged. “I just did.”

Sirius snorted and turned to the village. “Fine.”

James felt a twinge of guilt but ignored it. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned, half-expecting Lily.

It was Maria. Her face was paler than he’d ever seen it. “Please don’t make me do this, James.”

James opened his mouth to rebuke her—tell her that it didn’t matter if she was scared, since they were all scared—but couldn’t. “Trade yourself with Remus,” he said softly, jerking his head towards the pale boy, who was futilely trying to rebuild a section of wall on a building.

Maria nodded her thanks and walked unsteadily over to Remus, who listened carefully before looking knowingly at James and nodding to her.

James turned away from them and began to levitate bodies to a section someone in the group had prepared for the dead. The work was tedious, because he had to make sure that each person was, in fact, dead, in case his magic had been faulty, as it likely had been. He worked his way across the field, making sure not to look at any of the faces of the dead. If he did such a thing, he would never be able to put them into the pit where they would be nameless.

****

The sun had come all the way up when James came upon the first live person. It was a little boy, and he was not marked with an X, but James knelt beside him just the same.

The little boy rasped. He clearly couldn’t talk. James tried to lift him but the child slipped; his back was slippery. James carefully put the boy into a sitting position and looked at his back.

He let out a shout and recoiled.

The back of the boy’s head had been blown partially off.

“Oh Merlin—holy fuck.”

The boy began to twitch. His high, keening cries filled the air. Shakily, James pointed his wand at the child and whispered one word.

“Somnus.”

The boy instantly fell asleep, and after a moment he ceased breathing at all. James picked the child up himself and walked across the field to the pit. He placed the child inside gently and ran a hand over the child’s peaceful face.

He gasped as his fingers left a large amount of blood on the boy’s face.

****

Twenty minutes later he still stood near the pit for the dead.

“Enough of this,” Lily said darkly, and he turned to face her.

“Of—of what?”

“Of all of this,” Lily said pointedly. “You can’t do this. You don’t have the heart for it.”

“Stop it, Lily. I can do this.”

“James—“

“Don’t try to protect me. I’m not some little first year.”

“James—“ she tried again.

“I just killed a boy, Lily,” James said harshly. “I killed him.”

Lily drew in a sharp breath and stared at him, transfixed. “Why?”

“He was—he was crying in pain—he wouldn’t have survived. His aura was almost gone—“

James started. He hadn’t even realized he’d seen the boy’s aura. He looked closely at Lily, but he saw nothing.

“A mercy killing then,” Lily said faintly.

“You could call it that,” James snapped, his vigor back.

“I’m so sorry,” Lily said quietly, reaching a hand out. He held his own hand up to arrest her but caught her wrist instead and brought it to his cheek. They stood there—her palm cupping his cheek, his hand clasping her wrist—for a long time, until a throat clearing behind Lily startled them.

James met Sirius’s eyes and guiltily drew his hand away from Lily. She trailed her hand down his cheek and let it fall to the side of her body, turning to face the other boy.

“While you’ve been standing here dallying with the Head Girl, Potter, we’ve finished with the dead. What do you want us to do now?”

It was then that James saw his ten group-mates behind Sirius, trying not to look at either him or Lily.

“Er—count off and divide into the other groups.”

They did so and dispersed, Sirius without so much a glance in James’s direction.

“I wish he’d talk to you,” Lily said wistfully. “You’re souls will darken if you don’t fix this mess.”

James didn’t think twice about her strange comment. He shrugged her off. “Get back to work,” he said gruffly, turning from her so as not to see her stricken face and joining a group—any group—a group that was managing the reconstruction. He worked along his peers and with people he didn’t know—people who had come to help.

Help. What a misleading word.

Help was nothing here. There was nothing anyone could do for the dead, for the children and the women and the men.

He heard the scream a scant hour later. The cold had set in, stealing through his cloak and settling against his skin. He felt dizzy, looking at task ahead of him. It was past noon by now, and the shadows lay long at the base of every object and person.

It was a familiar scream, one he heard in his nightmares sometimes, screaming his name in fear and desperation. Sometimes an image of a redhead kneeling above him and singing in a whisper would follow, soothing the pain, but not nearly often enough.

He looked up and saw that only a dozen yards away stood Lily, and a Dementor was gliding towards her. The sky had darkened considerably. James heard the scream again, and realized it was his mother’s, and was in his mind. The Dementor was affecting him.

Lily was chanting, chanting the spell for a Patronus wildly. The Dementor closed in and people stopped to watch. James wondered why they didn’t do anything.

He felt himself draw his wand. It was going to hurt Lily. It would suck out her soul. Her green eyes wouldn’t hold nay recognition of him, and it would be this creature’s fault.

“AVADA KEDAVRA!” he shouted, thoughtlessly. The light hit the Dementor square in the chest and the robed figure paused and absorbed the green jet of light. James looked at his wand in horror as people began to whisper. He saw someone start forward and draw his wand.

“Expecto Patronum!” James shouted the appropriate charm and the unicorn burst from his wand. People gasped and the Dementor recoiled. It began to glide away. No one made a move to stop it. Lily turned her gaze to James and stared at him fearfully.

So was that it, then? Was she afraid of him?

He didn’t find out, as it was. They broke for lunch and he lost her in the crowd.

January 31, 1978

So the weeks passed. Sirius’s birthday passed without event and, without any presents from his fellow Marauders.

It was the last day of January, and James skipped dinner to go back to the Heads’ room. He entered his bedroom and looked out at the grounds, very restless. He could hear voices coming up from the ground but he ignored them, instead opting to finish his homework. He had two essays to write and three practical explanations.

Two hours later he set down his quill and set aside all his parchment. He stretched and rolled his neck around, trying to get out the kinks. What he really needed was a massage, but the only person who would give one to him was Maria—and Maria would find some way to make him shag her—

James’s head snapped up.

Of course. It’s brilliant.

Maria was an Amoris.

It made perfect sense. How she had been so good, better than Amy by half. By more than half. In fact—she had been amazing to shag. It was part of the reason he had enjoyed it so much.

It also explained why she no longer had any effect on him. As soon as he started working on his own powers—which included Amoratical magic, he could counter her enchantments. It was brilliant.

And so, naturally, it made him angry. It made him furious.

He knew it had been free will. She couldn’t be all that powerful, or he would have given in a long time ago. It had been his own free will after they’d gotten into a bed, but she had taken him there—she had made him want her in the first place.

He felt sick, being controlled like that.

He jumped up from his chair and left the bedroom, went through the common room and the lounge. He traveled through the cold halls, taking the familiar path to Gryffindor Tower. He was going to yell at Maria until she apologized—until she promised to never used her powers for such a terrible purpose again—

“If you’ll just listen to me!”

James stopped. That was Sirius.

“We’ve been through this.”

That was Lily.

“Just—meet me at the astronomy tower—“

“No, Sirius! I’m not going to—“

“Tomorrow morning. At dawn.”

James could sense Lily faltering.

“All right.”

James sensed the conversation drawing to a close. He felt odd—his entire body was tingling—he felt—

Explored. Somebody was watching him.

He looked around quickly but didn’t see anyone.

“You have to make up with James for me, though.” Lily’s voice held a strange note to it—a knowing tone.

“I won’t. Bloody bastard—“

“He isn’t,” Lily said, her voice surprisingly gentle. “It was all my fault. I told you that.”

“You told me a lot of things, Lily,” Sirius said darkly.

“And they were true. James is just being stupid.”

James jumped. What the hell was this? Why was Lily taking to Sirius about—

“He tried to kill a Dementor for you,” Sirius said softly, regretfully. “I wouldn’t have—I couldn’t have hated it that much—“

“I know he did. He scared me—but it made me feel safe.”

Bloody hell. It hit James like a hippogriff landing on the ground. She knew.

She knew he was out here—somehow she could sense him. Either he was reaching out to her with his powers—or she was using her own.

Which meant she had to have something on the healing branch.

And this was her way of apologizing—and her way of telling him she thought he was wrong. She had no other way to tell him she was sorry—sorry for what, he didn’t know. But she was sorry—and he wasn’t going to accept her apology so easily. She couldn’t even apologize to his face—she had to use Sirius and magic to do it. How cowardly. And she was the one in the wrong—not him.

He was getting rather annoyed with girls using their powers to manipulate him. He just had to pick two volatile girls who possessed ancient magic.

James began to walk away. He left Sirius and Lily in their empty classroom—left her apology behind—and went to find Maria. He was going to stick to the original plan.

“James?”

Somehow Lily was standing in front of him. He’d been walking slower than he thought.

“Yes?”

“You heard that, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did. You know I did.”

She shrugged. “I’m trying to say I’m sorry, James. But you have to admit you’re wrong too.”

“But I’m not.”

“Of course you are. You placed a bet—“

“Well that was before, Lily. All right? It was before!”

Lily frowned. “Before what, exactly?”

“Before I knew you—before I had anything to prove—before I grew up!”

“James—“

“Go on, Lily. Admit. Do you care more that I had something to do with it? Do you care about my involvement more than Sirius’s involvement?”

He had been bluffing, and he wasn’t prepared for her face to go pale. He hadn’t meant to be right.

“You’re still a prat, James,” she said tearfully. “You’re still a prat!”

She left him then, walking down the hall in the opposite direction from the tower, and he went to Gryffindor Tower, seething.

He gave the password to the Fat Lady, walked through the bustling common room, ignored all the stairs he got, and stood at the bottom off the girls’ staircase. He waited until people stopped staring at him before discreetly tapping the third brick from the floor with his foot three times. He began to walk up the stairs to the girls’ dormitory.

He stopped outside the sixth year dormitory and opened the door. There were a large number of girls in the sixth year—twelve in all—and the room had been magically expanded. All of the girls were—to put it mildly—tarts. He had seen all of them down in the common room aside from Maria, and he doubted they would be coming up anytime soon.

“James?”

Maria was standing in front of the window with her dressing gown on.

James stepped forward and swallowed. He didn’t want to yell at her. She looked deceptively innocent.

“James?” she repeated.

“How long have you known you’re an Amoris?” he rasped.

Her eyes went wide and she stepped back.

“How long?”

“Last year. I’ve know since the beginning of last year.”

“So you’ve used me all along? You didn’t use me like I used you—you literally used me for some bloody experiment?”

“No! I—“

“Are men toys to you, Maria? I know you went home with Foibles over the holiday. Did you enchant him too?”

“No!”

“I’ve figured it out Maria. This is why I couldn’t stay away—isn’t that right? You just wanted to shag me as much as you could—use me as a bloody trophy—“

He took two steps closer to her and she backed up in fear. All the anger left him. Fear—he hated to see fear in a woman’s eyes.

“It was just a game, James. It was only a game. You were—you were the best in bed. No—don’t turn away from me.” She put her hand to his cheek and he stared down at her coldly. “You were the best.”

Because I’m an Amoris too! He wanted to shout. But he didn’t.

“No, James. Things are different now. I’ve learned to actually use my powers—“

James snorted.

“—wisely. Go on. I’m not enchanting you, am I?”

She wasn’t. She wasn’t even trying. But she wanted to. She wanted him badly, and he knew it.

“You still want me to fuck you though, don’t you?” he asked, point-blank, his crude language slipping through before he could think.

“What do you think I am, James?” Maria snapped, taking her hand from his cheek. “I saw those bodies too—I’m just as affected as you are! I saw you try to kill that Dementor—kill it, even though you know the Killing Curse doesn’t work. You’re in love with Lily—“

“I am not!” James said heatedly.

“Of course you bloody are! I’m not going to be your little puppet so you can try and forget her.”

James pinned her against the wall and kissed her, hard. He knew he was hurting her and he pressed himself against her, rocking his hips against hers.

A moan escaped from her lips and he sucked in his breath. It had been so long since he’d had a way to release the pressure—take Lily off his mind—

No, don’t think of her. Cowardly, remember?

“Does this feel like I’m in love with Lily?” he growled against her mouth, jerking his pelvis against her. This was why he kept coming back to Maria—the sheer, animalistic heat she evoked in him.

Mutely, she shook her head, finding his lips again. She pushed him towards the bed and they fell on it; he raised himself above her.

Take that, Lily, James thought, as he pulled off Maria’s nightgown and put out the lights with a sweep of his hand.

15. Chapter Fourteen: If

I own nothing.

Chapter 14: If

[If You’re Not the One, by Daniel Beddingfield]

February 1, 1978

Lily stood on the deck of the Astronomy Tower waiting for Sirius, bundled up in her cloak and sporting bright yellow mittens which Sirius had teased her about mercilessly when they were together.

They weren’t together anymore, though.

Lily sighed and leaned against one of the turrets. She didn’t know exactly what to do with herself without Sirius. They’d been together a grand total of seven months, including the summer holidays. It was more than half a year

She had given up all that time—time she could have spent getting to know James better—with a boy who saw her as nothing more than a joke. A bet.

And she had told him so. She had screamed at Sirius so loudly out there on that platform she was sure half the school knew what had occurred. Sirius had screamed back just as loudly—and he had been right.

He was right about James—about everything. Sirius had half a right to be angry with her, but she had not let him realize that.

And James…

James.

She had never been so free to think about him. She was free.

A rush of joy infused her at that thought, but it was soon gone, and she felt…empty.

She would enjoy not having Sirius to tie her down. But she wanted more. She wanted…she wanted James. More than anything.

A sound startled her and she turned. It was only Sirius, picking his way carefully over the icy deck. He stopped in front of her and they studied each other.

He looked good—with his wind blown hair and his dark eyes shining. Sirius always looked good.

Lily just wished he had glasses—and hazel eyes—and a lankier build…messier hair. Not so shiny.

“Hello, Lily. Sleep well?”

“No,” she said flatly. “What do you want?”

She had been shocked when he had asked her to meet him up here.

“I wanted to give you this.” He held out a sheet of parchment and she took it. It was a dirty, ragged thing, creased in many places with grease spots on the corners. She wondered how many hours the Marauders had pored over it.

She opened it and scanned it quickly before letting her hand fall to her side.

“Are you going to do it, then? You’ve given the three galleons, I suppose?”

Sirius winced. She had yelled at him the most about that—that the bet was only for three galleons.

“I have to. It’s a charm. If I don’t…well, nothing pleasant will happen.”

Lily wanted to ask what, but decided against it.

“Fine then. Why are you giving it to me?”

Sirius grinned at her and her heart ached—had she gotten over him so quickly? Her heart didn’t even skip a beat as his dimples showed. There was a time she had fancied herself in love with him.

Perhaps, when she had gotten to know James, she had fallen out of love with Sirius.

“So you can burn it.”

Lily looked at him in shock. “Burn…burn…the bet?”

Sirius nodded gravely. “That is…if you—if you want to burn it.”

Lily looked down at the parchment. This little, yellowed, dirty, crumbling piece of rubbish had been the source of seven months of furtive glances, interrupted sentences, and pain. And Sirius was asking if she wanted to burn it.

“Give me your wand,” she said, her voice dangerously thick. He handed it over immediately and she held the parchment up.

“Icendio!” she hissed. The parchment burst into flames and she let go of it slowly. It hung suspended in the air until it had burned to ash—and then the wind swept that dark gray ashes away.

Lily looked out over the grounds—at the rising sun hidden behind the tree line of the forest, throwing the world into shadow—and felt light. She felt airy. Anything was possible. Anything at all. She could be with James—if they made up. She could be with bloody Dean Rosier—and no one could stop her.

Sirius caught her wrist and pulled her into a tight hug. Lily stopped breathing for a moment, ready to slap him, but waited.

“I’m so sorry, Lily. You’re amazing, you know that? You really are. And I hope—I hope you and James are happy together.”

She pulled away and looked up at him, saw his dark eyes looking as sincere as ever, and she really, truly, believed him.

“Thank you,” she whispered, kissing his cheek briefly and pulling away. He smiled sadly.

“But if you ever…if things don’t work out, I’ll be here. All right? I’ve really cared for you Lily. I could even—“

Don’t say it.

He didn’t. He just took a shaky breath and smiled. “So how does it go with James?”

“It doesn’t,” Lily said softly. “I don’t think it will. Not for a while.”

Sirius was quiet for a long time. “James…is a very proud person. He doesn’t give in very easily. He’s always been a little…”

“Full of himself?”

Sirius nodded. “Yes. But you changed that.”

Lily shook her head. “Of course I didn’t—“

“Oh yes you did. It doesn’t matter whether you wanted to change him or not. He changed because of you. For you. And you know what? He likes the new him.” Sirius’s face darkened. “But there are some things about him I don’t think you’ll be able to change. No—no, listen to me.”

Lily shut her mouth.

“When you sh—sleep with him—oh shut up, Lily, you know you will—don’t expect him to stay with you. He won’t spend the night. He’s never spent the night. Not once—in all the times he’s slept with Amy and Maria. He never even accidentally fell asleep.”

“But they—“

“Lily…he isn’t going to change so quickly. It would be nice if he did. If he spent the night with you the first time you slept together—but he won’t. Don’t push him, or he’ll snap. Don’t expect him to give up or give in. Don’t expect him to let you go without a fight. Don’t expect him to be perfect. Don’t expect him to hold you after he shags you. And don’t try to get him to open up about his parents—or Evelyn—or Emily, for Merlin’s sake. He needs to prove to himself that he can resist you—that he can be as strong as you—and he’ll try to get you back. He’ll try to hurt you. Merlin knows—he’ll probably pick up Maria to make you jealous. No—he won’t know he wants to make you jealous, but subconsciously he’ll try as hard as he can. You just have to…take it. To a certain extent. Don’t let him bother you.”

“But—“

“Look, Lily. I know you understand James. I know he listens to you. But—I’ve known him for longer. I’ve known the person he can really be for longer than you have. Just—don’t press him, okay?”

Lily shook her head in wonder. “With speeches like that coming out of you off the top of your head…Sirius Black, someday you’ll be Minister of Magic.”

“And don’t you forget it,” Sirius said cheekily, chucking her under the chin and drawing her towards the tower. “Now let’s go in. And how many times do I have to tell you to never wear those gloves again?”

Sirius continued to chatter on about pointless things, not seeming to care that Lily wasn’t listening, and she was glad for it.

Because somewhere between that hug and his speech about James, she had forgiven him totally, and she couldn’t for the life of her figure out how.

The common room was empty since it was so early in the morning. Well, empty but for Peter—but he didn’t matter because he was asleep, and Lily knew he slept like the dead.

“So—Lily, are we all right?”

Lily smiled. “I think letting me burn that parchment did it,” she said honestly.

Sirius smiled. “Good. Now I can tease you about James.”

Lily felt her face grow hot. “Oh, shut up, Sirius. I’m going to sleep some more. There’s no point watching the sunrise with you.” She began to walk up the girls’ staircase, and jumped when Sirius tapped her on the shoulder.

“Don’t even think on it, Lily. I know how to get up these stairs.”

She just stared at him, bewildered.

“You don’t know what this smile can make girls do, Lily,” Sirius said solemnly.

Lily wanted to burst out laughing but thought it might be too rude. She shook her head and continued up the stairs to her dorm room, not really caring that Sirius trailed after her.

Outside of the sixth year dormitory, though, she stopped and stared.

James sat outside the dorm, his eyes wide and his face pale, his legs akimbo and his posture slouched. He was—she realized with a quickening of her breath—shirtless. Sirius stopped behind her and let out a long, low whistle.

Had he been there all morning? Lily didn’t know. Last night, she had slept in the Heads’ room, in a bedroom she had found some weeks ago. She had thought of telling James that there was another, but hadn’t bothered.

“James. Mate, are you okay?” Sirius’s voice was low. James shrugged.

“More or less,” he said croakily.

“Have you been here all night?” Sirius pressed, edging closer.

James gave a short laugh and ran his hands through his hair. “Not all night, no.”

With a sickening jolt everything fell into place. Maria. Maria Danes was a sixth year. And James never stayed. He never stayed in bed.

So he sat outside girls’ dormitories? How often had he sat outside Amy’s?

“I’m—I’m not mad Sirius. I haven’t gone nutters or anything. I just didn’t want to go back to the dorm and I didn’t want to walk to the Head’s room without my shirt and I couldn’t stay—oh. Hello, Lily.”

She nodded to him.

“I need—I need a drink.”

Lily kicked him lightly in the shin. “You’re not going to drink.”

“Oh shut up, Lily. I can drink whenever I bloody well want to—“

“No you can’t. I won’t let you.”

They glared at each other for a long moment before James fell backward and hit his head on the floor as somebody opened the door to the room.

“What the hell is going on—oh, Merlin. Sorry, James.”

Maria stared out at Lily, Sirius, and James, her hair mussed, her lips swollen, and her eyes shadowed underneath with dark smudges. Her gaze flickered between the three of them. “Oh,” she repeated.

Even with her hair looking terrible, Maria still looked beautiful. Lily couldn’t stop the jealousy that flared within her.

“Has shagging James dulled your senses?” Lily asked sharply.

Maria glanced at her calmly. “That was uncalled for. James, get the hell up and stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

“Fuck you, Maria,” James muttered, gripping his head and struggling into a sitting position.

Maria opened her mouth, no doubt to make a witty comment, but she shut it and shrugged. “All right then. Suit yourself. Sirius, take him back to the dorm—no. I forgot. He isn’t staying there. Take him back to the Heads’ rooms. Evans and I need to have a chat.”

Lily raised her eyebrows, as did Sirius, and James made a muffled protest as Sirius hauled him to his feet.

“I’m still not talking to you,” Sirius said suddenly to his friend, sounding furious with himself and letting go of James’s hand. James swayed before he pressed a hand to the wall and the other to his head.

“Give it up, Sirius. Whatever the hell he did doesn’t really matter anymore. I’d like to see you not talk to him for more than a month—no—shut your mouth, bad-boy. You just talked to him and you just forgave him. That’s how it’s always worked. Now go away so Evans and I can talk.”

“Well who says I want to talk to you?”

“I’m not giving you a choice, Evans,” Maria said, propelling her up to the seventh year dormitory. She was strong, for such a small girl. “No doubt my sister’s off shagging some bloke. Even if she’s in here she’ll get out if I tell her to.”

Clara was, indeed, not in the room. But Lily’s curiosity was piqued. “Why would she do what you tell her to?”

Maria smiled wolfishly. “She hates Muggle-borns. My grandparents are both Muggle-born—on my mother’s side, that is. My mother would kick her out of the house for her prejudices so fast…” Maria sighed in satisfaction before snapping back to attention. “Where were we?”

“We weren’t anywhere,” Lily said, taking off her thick winter clothes and putting them away in her bureau. She crossed her arms and leaned against one of the posts of her bed.

Maria waved her hand off-handedly and went over to her sister’s dresser and began playing with her belongings. She brushed her hair into order.

“How can you be so—so carefree? You just slept with James—and he didn’t even spend the night.”

“He’s never spent the night,” Maria pointed out.

Lily laughed harshly. “And that’s never hurt you, I suppose?”

Maria’s hands stilled and she set the brush down, her rich brown hair spilling in luxurious waves down her back. She turned to Lily. “Of course it hurt,” she said quietly. “I’m human.” Her face went stoic again. “But I’ve gotten used to it. If you don’t stay, you don’t get hurt.”

Lily couldn’t fathom it. She just couldn’t.

“I don’t understand.”

“No,” Maria sighed. “I don’t expect you would.” She looked Lily up and down with her blue eyes. “You look like a virgin.”

Lily bristled. “So?”

“So what? Good for you. Too bad I couldn’t keep it.”

“If you’d had any self-control—“

“No, Evans. It doesn’t work like that for me.” Maria sighed and leaned against the dresser. “I’m an Amoris.”

Lily sucked in her breath through her teeth and let it out in a long, hissing breath. “Oh. I see.”

“So I didn’t really have a choice. Once it started—it just raged with in me. Desire all the time. And the only way to satisfy it…”

“Shagging.”

Maria looked down and retied her dressing gown. “Yes.”

Lily felt a little sick. “Does James…does he…”

Maria nodded. “He does,” she said simply.

“And he still—he still went—“

“Oh, he just found out last night,” Maria said breezily, “and by that time he was so furious he was already worked up it only took a little power for me to lure him in. He didn’t know what hit him.”

Lily’s mouth dropped open. “You still—even after he got mad at you—you still enchanted him?”

Maria shrugged. “Well, why ever not? He’s not going to know unless you tell him. You are going to tell him right?” She turned away and surveyed herself critically in the mirror, before taking Clara’s tube of lip gloss and applying it carefully to her lips.

She looked like a bloody film star.

Lily narrowed her eyes. “I don’t believe you.”

Maria’s eyes widened. “Why not?”

“Why the hell would you want me to tell James you enchanted him? It’s not like it’ll make him happy.”

“Because sometimes, Evans, you have to give something up for the greater good. For their greater good.”

Lily pondered Maria’s statement. Maria had feelings for James, she was sure.

“An Amoris is extremely and instinctively gifted in bed, Evans. And until an Amoris falls in love, no one will be better than another Amoris—or someone who, like James, is just naturally good at sex. Someone who is very, very passionate. There are few people like that. And because of all my power, it’ll be even harder for me to find someone passionate enough. You know, unless I fall in love. Which won’t happen anytime soon.” Maria used one of Clara’s Evelyn’s Everfresh Breath Cleansers and made a face at the strong taste.

Lily frowned.

“Look, Evans.” Maria sighed. “I know you don’t believe me. But I really could care less. James isn’t going to need me anymore and my powers won’t work on him if he finally lets himself fall in love with you.”

Lily rolled her eyes. She knew he had changed, but the very idea of James falling in love with her was laughable. And the fact that it was laughable was saddening. She turned and walked over to the bathroom, ready to shut the door in Maria’s face.

“He almost said your name.”

Lily stopped.

“Even I can’t make him forget you, Evans. He wanted to say your name so bad. But James never slips. It’s against his nature. He never slips, and he never stays. Never. Remember that.”

Lily turned her head slightly until she could see Maria.

The other girl tossed her head and smiled. “But fine. If you don’t want to believe me, you don’t have to. You can leave James alone if you aren’t going to fix this now, because otherwise, he’s mine.”

Lily began to seethe. Her hands tightened on the doorjamb.

“And I can take him too,” Maria hissed, before throwing her sister’s brush onto her dresser and striding across the room to the door. “Oh, and Evans? Tell my darling sister Claire I said hello.”

“Tell Clara yourself,” Lily said through gritted teeth.

Maria laughed. “I don’t talk to that filth,” she said softly, before leaving the room and slamming the door behind her.

Lily didn’t know what to do. She wanted to go to James, but going to James would mean giving in, and she had too much pride for that.

She wanted to strangle him for sleeping with Maria again. She wanted to kiss him for his being bothered by it.

Well, she wanted to kiss him anyway, so what did it matter?

She pulled on her robes and it took her almost fifteen minutes to realize they were on backwards. She tried to put her gloves on her feet and threw them across the room, bursting into tears of frustration. She hated herself for crying.

She hated herself for caring enough to cry.

When she was calm again, she put on her socks and slipped her feet into her shoes, grabbing her rucksack and heading down to the Great Hall for breakfast. She noticed that neither James nor Maria were there, and wondered whether Maria had gone to see James.

The thought made her appetite disappear, and she pushed away her plate. It was just then that Sirius walked into the Hall, his hair mussed and his robes wrinkled. Lily raised her eyebrows. His robes had been rather decently pressed that morning.

He sat down across from her and frowned. “Did you see James?”

Lily shook her head. “Did you?”

Something flashed in Sirius’s eyes. Familiar guilt. “No…I didn’t.”

Lily smiled slightly. “Got distracted, did you?”

Sirius choked on his orange juice. “Wh—where did you get that idea?”

Lily smirked, but didn’t have a chance to speak. James had just walked into the room, freshly showered and dressed in a crisp set of robes. He sat down a few seats from Sirius, who exchanged a glance with Lily and got up to move closer to him. Remus looked up curiously from the other end of the table, and Peter was staring nervously between the two from the opposite end of the table.

Maria walked into the room just as the owl post came in. A newspaper was delivered to Lily but she ignored it. An owl dropped one into Sirius’s hands but he just let it fall to his side.

Whispers broke out through the room and everyone looked at the Gryffindor table. Sirius sat down next to James who looked up at him and frowned.

“Are we…okay?” said Sirius. Lily doubted anyone else could hear them.

“We’re fine, Padfoot,” James said firmly, meeting Lily’s eyes across the table.

Sirius sighed in relief. “All right. I need to tell you something then. I just…” He leaned in closer and whispered something in James’s ear.

James spit his juice across the table for the second time that school year. “P-p-pardon?” he spluttered. Clara shot him a withering glare and Scourgified her robes with her wand before moving down the table and returning to her cereal.

“You heard me. And—“ He lowered his voice so Lily couldn’t hear, but she could. “I let slip that—what the fuck?”

He said it so loudly that half the Hall looked at him. McGonagall promptly took fifteen points from Gryffindor but Sirius didn’t seem to hear. He shoved the paper into James’s hands and pointed to the bottom.

Lily unrolled her own paper and scanned the bottom. Her mouth dropped open and she looked down the table at Maria, who was absently stirring her food, ignoring the whispers around her and twirling a lock of her hair around her finger.

Clara, on the other hand, was staring at her paper with a blank expression on her face. She carefully set it to the side and began to butter a piece of toast.

Sirius and James stood up as one and walked down the table. James put his hand around Maria’s arm and gently pulled her up. She looked between James and Sirius.

Lily stood up and walked closer.

“Contrary to popular belief, lovers, I don’t do threesomes.”

Sirius put his hand on her shoulder and handed her the paper. Maria’s eyes widened as she read the big, bold words.

Lily knew what she was seeing.

PARENTS OF TWO HOGWARTS STUDENTS BRUTALLY MURDERED

DANES COUPLE KILLED UNDER THE DARK MARK

Maria pulled her wrist from James’s hand and gripped his upper arm for support, swaying slightly.

“Maria—don’t—“ Sirius looked helplessly around the room.

She buried her face in Sirius’s shoulder and took a deep, rasping breath. Her other hand gripped James’s and she pulled him closer until she was standing pressed between both men.

Lily fought down jealousy and took a few more steps, realizing that Remus and Peter had come up behind her and were now next to her. The three of them stood away from the hugging trio, watching carefully.

James met Lily’s eyes for the second time that morning and her breathing quickened. It was hard to stay mad at him when he looked like that.

Just then, Maria’s knees gave, and it was Sirius—not James—who caught her and held her like a limp rag doll, one arm beneath her knees and the other underneath her neck. He looked gravely at James, who nodded to the door.

Sirius walked towards the doors, and then came such a sound from Maria that it didn’t belong on Earth. It was a cross between a high, keening cry and a low moan. She buried her face against Sirius’s shirt and put an arm over her eyes, her sobs echoing in the Hall even after they had exited and the doors had slammed shut with shocking finality.

17. Chapter Fifteen: Whispers

I own nothing.

Chapter 15: Whispers

[Careless Whispers, by George Michael]

February 2, 1978

There was a dismal shroud upon the hospital wing when James entered it the next day after lessons and dropped his rucksack on the ground. The beds were unoccupied aside from one. He headed towards it.

James caught his breath when he saw Lily sitting by Maria’s bed, her quill scratching out answers on her parchment. He could see she was doing the Charms homework assigned for that day.

“What are you doing here, Lily?” he asked.

He expected her to jump, but her movements just stilled and she turned to look at him.

“Honestly? I was waiting for you, James.”

“How did you know I’d come?”

Lily raised her eyebrows. “Instinct.”

James looked at Maria. Her face was pale, her nose red, and her eyelashes formed dark crescents underneath her eyes. “Good instincts.”

“Is it possible to worry about someone you think you should hate?” Lily asked, putting her materials aside and leaning forward.

James’s gaze flickered to her. He wondered if she was trying to get him to admit something. “It obviously is.”

Lily looked at him curiously and he stared straight at her. Her eyes darted from James, to herself, to James. Her cheeks colored and she looked down. “Oh. I didn’t ask on purpose. I didn’t want you to tell me how you felt about me—“

“It’s okay. I know.”

“I don’t—she talked to me yesterday. And she made sense. She said…she said that she’s an Amoris. And that it wasn’t your fault—“

“The other night was my fault. It’s not like I stopped her,” James admitted reluctantly.

“But she said she—“

“Thought we’d find you up here.”

James turned irritably to look at the door. Sirius and Peter were walking towards them, and James couldn’t help but be annoyed by their interruption of his and Lily’s conversation.

Then again, he knew Sirius had feelings for Maria. He wasn’t as bad as most people thought. Before Sirius shagged a girl, he actually had to have feelings for her.

Sirius just had feelings for a lot of girls.

And he’d always thought that the tension between Sirius and Maria was extreme. Extremer than extreme.

Maria groaned and stirred. Everyone looked at her and James held his breath.

Maria put her hand on her forehead and winced with closed eyes. She opened one halfway and looked around.

“James?” she said hoarsely, her eyes focusing on him. James felt rather than heard Sirius sigh in disappointment.

Maria sat up. “Sirius? Evans?”

Lily stood quickly. “Er…yea.” There was a tense silence. “Madame Gauche gave you a dreamless sleep potion.”

Maria looked at Lily quizzically. “Why?”

James, Lily, Sirius, and Peter exchanged looks. Sirius sat down on the side of Maria’s bed and James took Lily’s chair.

“Maria…your parents,” Sirius said softly.

Maria stared at him. “I thought it was a nightmare.”

Sirius made a motion with his hand, almost to cover Maria’s, but she pulled her hand away. She stared at him, her face ashen, and frowned.

“Maria—“

“No, Sirius. Don’t even—“

“I th-think you should have th-this conversation another t-time,” said Peter shakily.

“Shut up,” Sirius said sharply, his gaze flickering to his short friend.

“Come on, Peter,” said James, standing, wanting to avoid a fight.

“No. He’s just setting himself up to get—“

“Come on,” Lily said, backing away from the bed. “Let’s go. Leave them to it.”

“We’re right here,” said Sirius irritably.

Lily ignored him and began to walk towards the door. James and Peter followed her.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” was the last thing James heard Maria say before the door slammed shut.

The three stood in front of the door to the hospital wing, staring at each other awkwardly. “I’m…going to Gryffindor Tower,” Lily said.

“I’ll go see Remus,” said Peter.

James stayed silent. He needed to talk to Remus, but every time he tried Remus brushed him off. The full moon was coming up, and James didn’t know what was going to happen. He wanted to go with Lily, but he wasn’t sure if he could handle having a conversation with her.

“I’m…going to the Heads’ room,” James said, and realized he was speaking to empty air. Lily and Peter had left.

James sighed and began his trek to the Heads’ room, alone.

The water was scalding hot. James stood limply under the flow and let it wash away every single feeling he had had this morning. He pressed his hands against the cold, blue tiles of the shower and rested his forehead against it.

He heard a sound behind him and he breathed deeply, trying not to inhale water.

The door to the shower opened and a blast of cold hair hit him. He refused to shiver. The door closed and he heard someone breathing behind him.

“J—“

“Lily,” he said in a choked voice, “I’m naked.”

“So?”

He didn’t say anything, but he did turn around to look at her, meeting her eyes. Her gaze was steady and unwavering.

James made to turn around but her eyes held him.

“Don’t you turn around, James,” she said, stepping forward into the spray of water, her robes becoming drenched. Her hair was plastered to her head and her eyes blazed.

She looked…angry.

Angry?

“I-I-I broke up with Sirius for you. Even before I knew about that bet—I decided—I let you—the first time anyone ever—you’ve been tiptoeing around me for a bloody month…and here I was, thinking you might…” She trailed off and swiped at her bright eyes.

Strangely, he didn’t feel a single trace of embarrassment as she looked him over. If she didn’t want him by now no matter how pale and awkward looking he was…what was the point?...not that it mattered, because…

“We aren’t going to work, Lily,” James said quietly.

“Don’t say that,” she growled.

“It’s true, Lily. We won’t last.”

She pushed him down onto the shower ledge and straddled his lap, one knee on either side of his thighs. James suppressed a groan and hoped she wouldn’t feel his reaction.

If she did, she gave no sign of it. She pressed her lips to his forehead, his neck, his cheek.

“You know this is right, James,” she breathed against his skin. “I know you know this is right.” Her fingers slid down the length of his torso and she placed her hand on his thigh. James sucked in a sharp breath and shifted beneath her. She watched him carefully and leaned down.

He couldn’t kiss her—not like this. He couldn’t kiss her in a shower while he was naked and she was clothed and they were both soaked. He turned his face away and did not miss the flicker of disappointment in her eyes.

“You—are the most amazing woman I know, Lily. I don’t deserve you.”

“I get to choose, James. It’s my choice whether or not you’re good enough for me. You are.”

He wanted to tell her the truth—that he loved her but he wasn’t really sure of anything. He wanted to…

“Oh! James…” she said warningly.

He shook his head and continued to kiss her neck, eliciting small groan from her.

“I take it I’ve made you see reason, then,” she said breathily, tangling her hands in his hair. She pressed her hips down and James gasped, straightening his back and breathing hard.

“Don’t!”

Lily looked at his shrewdly. “Why ever not?” She grinded her pelvis down again and James shut his eyes, dropping his head back against the wall and letting the water slide down his face. Lily’s hands went to the clasps of her robes and she began to slide them off her shoulders.

“Li-ily…” he hissed. “You have to stop. Right now. Do you hear me? This isn’t going to happen like this. We aren’t going to sleep together right now.”

She let the robes fall to the floor and put her hands on his shoulders, staring earnestly into his eyes. “Do you mean that? Because I could…change your mind.”

He was pleased to see her turn bright red.

“Lily—you have no idea how much I want…just not here. Not now.”

Lily put a hand to his cheek and touched her forehead to his. “I want to be with you, James.”

He grabbed her wrist and put his other hand to her waist, forcing her to stand. “I’m going to get dressed. Wait for me in the commons?”

Lily nodded, a furrow in her brow, and picked up her robes, leaving the shower. She didn’t look back once.

Was she that sure he would follow, or was she just trying to prove a point?

James turned off the water and stood in the cooling air, trying to regain his composure. He thought of the most disgusting thing he could (Snape—naked—covered in chocolate and in the bath with Avery) and breathed a sigh of relief as he relaxed.

He dried and dressed slowly, aware of Lily humming off-key in the common room. He opened the door and she looked up quickly, biting her lip and flushing. “Shall we go then?”

She had dried off, most probably using a spell, but her hair was still slightly wet. James’s wanted to brush some strands away from her face, but he wasn’t very sure he should touch her.

“You’re going to comfort Maria,” Lily said finally, staring straight ahead, walking at a brisk pace down the hallway.

“Yes.”

“I can’t just not be jealous. It doesn’t work like that, James.”

“I know.”

“And Sirius can’t…what happened between them?” Lily asked.

James sighed. “He shagged her. Yesterday morning. After you found me on the landing, I imagine.”

Lily gave a short laugh. “I don’t blame him. It’s been a long time since he’s shagged anyone. Months. Unless he cheated on me.”

“He didn’t.”

“Well, good. I think he and Maria would be perfect for each other.”

James nodded. “I agree…but in the meantime, she’s going to need someone.”

Lily stopped before the portrait of the Fat Lady, which was empty. “If…if that ever happens to me…I mean to say…oh damn it.” She ran her hands through her long hair. “If my parents ever…if they’re ever…you know…”

“I know,” James said, wondering where exactly this was going.

“I want you to be there.” She stepped closer to him. “I don’t care if we’ve broke up or if I’ve slapped you twenty times or if we’re fighting. I just want you to be there to help me.”

James looked down at her. “I promise.”

“Good,” she whispered. “Galloping gargoyles.”

The Fat Lady had returned. The portrait hole began to open, but James caught Lily’s wrist and pulled her back.

“Wait—there’s one thing…”

He leaned closer to her, keeping his eyes on hers. She was staring him, her eyes wide, her lips slightly parted. Her tongue darted out to wet them and James’s gaze flickered downwards.

“If you’re going to kiss me…” she began in a whisper.

“Of course I am…I seal everything with a kiss.”

“Hopefully not those Marauder pacts,” Lily breathed against his lips.

“I don’t swing that way, love,” he muttered, almost tasting her lip gloss and wanting to kiss her so bad it hurt.

“Potter! Evans! Public displays of affection are not appreciated. Five points from Gryffindor.”

James pulled away from Lily, his lips a millimeter from hers, and stifled a groan. McGonagall stood by the portrait hole, her eyebrows raised and her lips drawn into the thinnest line possible.

“Top o’ th’ mornin’ t’ ya,” James said cheerfully, while inside he was ready to force McGonagall into her Animagus form and lock her in a room with a dog for interrupting him and Lily.

“It’s evening, Potter.”

“It’s the thought that counts, Minnie.”

McGonagall’s lips thinned even more until there was only a line where her mouth should have been. Her eyebrows drew together in distaste.

“Erm…ignore him. He’s had more sugar than is necessary,” Lily cut in, stepping in front of James, who flicked her on the shoulder.

“The best kind of sugar, too,” he said suggestively.

Lily swallowed hard and rolled her eyes, laughing nervously. “We’ll just be going inside,” she said, stepping hard on James’s foot.

“Not so fast, Evans. I came here specifically to talk to you.”

Lily’s eyes widened. “Me? What have I done? I swear, it was probably really James or Sirius or Peter or someone—“

McGonagall gave an impatient snort. “Quidditch, Evans. You are the captain, are you not?”

The sarcasm in her voice could have cut a diamond, but James thought he saw amusement in her eyes.

“Erm…yes,” Lily said, sounding slightly hurt.

“Since you’ve won your last two games…”

Lily listened attentively, nodding every so often, while James turned away. He regretted giving up his captaincy, but he knew he would not have been able to handle it. Lily was much more focused. It would be easier for her to juggle her Head Girl duties, her schoolwork, and the sport than it would be for James.

He took a deep breath. Had he and Lily just…were they together now? Or would this just end catastrophically?

And when would he get a chance to finally kiss her?

“Good then. Figure it out. I expect to see the team practicing after classes every day.” McGonagall fixed James with her beady eyes. “Whatever you’re planning Potter, know that I’ll be one step ahead of you.”

With that, McGonagall stalked off, and James glared at her back.

“If she didn’t love me so much, she might just expel me,” he muttered, following Lily into the common room.

February 3, 1978

James had tried to ignore it as much as possible, but his torn relationship with Remus was beginning to bother him. He ached physically when he was fighting with his normally passive friend, and even Lily couldn’t help with the pain.

He sat with her in the Gryffindor common room, on the floor and in front of the fire, helping her with the new Defense material. He wasn’t much help though, because he was distracted with his thoughts about Remus and his thoughts about Sirius.

And her hair glittering in the firelight. That was pretty distracting too.

No one knew they were dating yet (Lily had promptly informed him they officially were yesterday). They hadn’t told anyone, but James got the impression that Sirius had guessed. He had come back from the Hospital wing subdued and pensive, had hadn’t told anyone what Maria had said. Maria was due back to the common room that evening though, and James was anxious to see what would happen.

“And then you flick—but I thought it said only three flicks—oh, damn, I was supposed to swish before!”

James snapped back to the present as Lily threw down her quill. “Forget it. I’ll never get it.”

James shrugged. “You know you will in the end.” He lay down with his near the fire.

Lily sighed. “I know. I’d rather get it now, though. How come you’re so good at all your classes?”

James grinned. “Pure talent.”

Lily smacked him in the shoulder and lay her head down on his belly, crossing her hands on her own. “Talent, my arse. You’ve got the professors eating out of the palm of your hand.” James began to stroke her hair, and soon it was as unruly as his own.

“It took talent for that to happen, Lily Evans, and don’t you forget it.”

Lily sighed again. “Fine. As long as you remember that I’m still superior.”

James arched an eyebrow even though she couldn’t see. “Is that right, Lily? How are you my superior?”

“First of all, I’m a woman. Second, I will always be revered as the girl who threw her Advanced Charms text at James Potter when he was being a prick, successfully shutting him up for the first time in six years. Thirdly—“

“I get it, Lily,” James said dryly. “Now, be a darling and—“

The portrait hole swung open and raised voices were heard. People were returning from dinner.

However, the noise was coming from two people fighting, not a large crowd of people. Remus and Sirius walked into the room, so engrossed in their fight they didn’t even notice James and Lily.

“Well, I’m sure he’s sorry! And if you’d tell me what he said—“

“I don’t have to! He’s being an arse—“

Remus cut himself off. Lily and James had been noticed.

Sirius smirked. “James…Lily…together on the floor…Moony, pal, would you just look at that hair. Makes you wonder what they’ve been up to. Tsk tsk tsk. You could’ve been caught.”

“Oh, shut up, Sirius. Weren’t you talking to Remus about me? Continue…pretend I don’t exist.”

The smirk melted off Sirius’s faces. “Come on, mates. Don’t you think—“

“James doesn’t think very much—“

“It’s been over a month, Remus!” James cried furiously. “Let it go!”

“Is that all you can say? Bloody hell James, you’re such a fucking prat sometimes! Why don’t you grow up and stop being such an immature little berk? Why the hell do you think it’s taken you this long to get with Lily?”

“Leave Lily out of this!” James bellowed, struggling to stand. He pulled himself up and stood on half-asleep legs, glaring at Remus.

“But of course, in the end, James bloody Potter gets the girl. He gets what he wants. Are you still shagging Maria, as well? Because you’ve got her wrapped around your little finger. Then again, you were never capable of being more than a man-whore who’s too petty to let go of little grudges against people and enjoys controlling everyone around him!”

James felt the blood leave his face. No one had ever said anything like that to him before, let alone one of his best friends. He couldn’t breath, his chest was so tight, and he felt rather than saw Remus stalk up to the boys’ dormitories.

“James—mate, are you all right?”

James shook his head and fell into an armchair.

“Could you give me a moment, Lily?” Sirius asked firmly. Lily stood on shaky legs and left the room immediately, looking back at James over her shoulder as she did.

“What did you say to him?” Sirius asked, standing in front of James’s chair.

“I said—I told him…that he wasn’t half the brother—the friend—you were, that he was pathetic. I said—the most unforgivable things. I told him we only transformed because we felt sorry for him—“

“You what?”

“I know! It was stupid. But…it’s been a month. And—there’s something wrong with me. I can feel the ache of not being on good terms with him.”

“Well—you’re empathic. And you just started using your gifts. You’re more open, and it’s near the full moon.”

James nodded slowly. “Still…”

Sirius frowned. “I can top you.”

“What?”

“My secret is better than your secret.”

James fought the urge to roll his eyes. “All right. I suppose you’re going to share with me.”

Sirius’s frown deepened. “I told…Maria.”

“Told her what?”

“About Remus.”

James’s mouth fell open. “You didn’t!” he whispered accusingly.

Sirius sighed. “I did.”

James shook his head. “Sirius…you just always do something wrong by Remus. Telling Snape…and then telling Maria of all people. When did you…why did you…?”

“It just…slipped out…in the heat of the moment. I was just too caught up and I wasn’t thinking—“

“You never think.”

“Well I’m sorry. It’s not as if she’s got anyone to tell!”

“She can’t be…” Trusted…

But she could be trusted. That was the problem…Maria wasn’t a bad person; she was just a little ruthless when it came to men. She wouldn’t tell anyone about Remus.

Would she?

“Can’t be what?”

James sighed. “Nothing. Forget it. But tell Remus you told her.”

Sirius sighed, his longer than James. “All right. But you get to patch me up after he kills me.”

James grinned and clapped his friend on the back. “Of course, mate.”

“You can come out now, Lily!” Sirius yelled towards the shadowy girls’ staircase. Lily popped her head out and grinned sheepishly at the pair of them. Sirius chuckled softly. “You didn’t hear any of that.”

“Aye aye, captain,” she muttered, walking slowly into the common room. An awkward silence fell between the three of them and Sirius looked from James, to Lily, back to James again. James coughed into his fist.

Sirius rolled his dark eyes and went up to the boys’ dormitories.

Lily smiled at James and stopped in front of his armchair, lowering herself carefully onto his lap. He snaked his arms around her waist and dropped his head down to her shoulder. She raked her hands through his hair continuously and he sighed into her robes.

“You’ll patch things up,” she said soothingly. “You always do…and the full moon is coming up. You are going down with him, aren’t you?”

James nodded, shook his head, nodded again, and then shrugged. Lily was silent.

“How…how do you stay with him, James?”

James stiffened. Lily hands stilled and the silence weighed down between them. After what seemed like years (it was really a minute or so), Lily let out a little sigh.

“All right then.” She began to run her fingers through his hair again, but her fingers were urgent now, needing to fill the silence with movement if not with words. He couldn’t relax—not now. Had he really not told her yet? Could he tell her? She wouldn’t approve, right?

“Lily…I…Lily…”

He felt her shake her head. “Never mind.”

At least that saved him the worry of having to tell her.

“I’m tired,” he said after a moment.

“So come to bed.”

Again, James stiffened. He wanted to look at her face, but he also didn’t want to lift his head lest she see his flushed cheeks. He could feel that heat radiating from her skin and could feel her fingers racing through his hair, so desperate to have something to do.

The innocent way she had said it sent a jolt straight through him: Come to bed.

“I…”

So come to bed.

“I meant…I was going to sleep in one of the bedrooms in the Heads’ room because of Clara and her parents and all…and I know there’s another bedroom…and I mean we could go to bed together—not together! In the same place—I mean…the same tower!” She laughed nervously and James felt a shiver of mirth race through him.

Why were they being so shy?

He had never felt so embarrassed in front of a girl…it was somewhat refreshing.

“Lily,” he said quietly. “Shut up.”

“Okay then. Was I babbling? I do tend to do that. God, I’m being such a little girl around you!”

James laughed into her shoulder again and he lifted his head. Her face was only centimeters away from his and he couldn’t help but stare at her lips. Perhaps…finally.

He leaned in close and sought out her gaze, studying it for any sign of regret. How the hell had this happened? How could she care for him after all the hate she had proclaimed?

Her eyes fluttered shut and he almost touched his lips to hers, not moving, just feeling the small electric jolt that flowed between them.

The portrait hole opened and James pulled back, cursing inwardly. He looked to the entrance and saw Maria standing there, still pale but looking well rested and much better.

“Oh…I’m sorry…I’ll just leave then.” She began to cross the room, studiously ignoring James’s eyes. Lily jumped up from James’s lap and looked between the two.

“I think…you two should talk.”

James’s gaze snapped to Lily and Maria froze.

“I don’t think we have anything to talk about,” Maria said shrilly.

Lily raised an eyebrow, looking at her shrewdly. “Really?”

“Erm…yes. I mean…there isn’t anything to talk about.”

James had never seen Maria like this…never so awkward. She was a very confident person, but the way she was looking between James and Lily reminded him of someone…someone who was frightened, perhaps?

What did Maria have to be frightened about?

“I think you should—“

“Sirius is coming,” James said softly. Maria’s eyes snapped to his and she all but ran up the girls’ stairs.

“James? Lily? Are you still down here?” Sirius came into view.

Lily let out a deep breath and glared at James, but there wasn’t any real anger behind her gaze. “Yes. We’re still here.”

“Oh. Why?”

“Because James is being a prat. He can’t keep his mouth shut.” Lily sniffed and walked off, ignoring James’s disappointed look.

There goes that kiss.

18. Chapter Sixteen: Do You Want Me?

I own nothing.

Chapter 16: Reality

[Sometimes When We Touch, by Dan Hill]

February 13, 1978

“James.”

James looked up at Lily and she smiled down at him.

“Hullo, Lily. Sit down.”

“All right.” Lily took a seat next to him and tucked her legs underneath herself, looking around the empty library. “James. Stop reading for a moment.”

James looked up from his Transfiguration text and gave her an innocent smile that made her worry. “Yes, Lily?”

She frowned. The innocence was practically dripping off his tongue. She decided not to worry about it and turned to the task at hand.

“James—I need you to teach me how to conjure a Patronus.”

James’s eyes froze over his words but he still pretended to read the book. “Really? Why’s that?”

“Because I’ve tried by myself and I can’t do it. I need your help.”

James frowned and Lily studied him, trying to read his thoughts. She saw a wisp of something orange alight in his eyes. Fear? Yes, fear…he was afraid. He finally put down the text and shut it, taking her hand and drawing her onto his lap, the chair groaning under their combined weight.

“James,” she said warningly. “It’s the library.”

“So? It’s not as if I’m going to snog you. I wouldn’t kiss you for the first time in the library, of all places. Would I?”

“Of course not. And I’m very proud of you…but we’re the Head Students. We need to start taking some responsibility. We’ve been shirking it before…”

“Later. Now tell me why you want to learn how to conjure a Patronus.”

Lily shrugged, giving in, and stared determinedly at the worn tabletop. “I don’t know. I just…ever since that dementor in Hogsmeade…” She let her words trail off and looked up soon enough to catch his wince.

James was very touchy about Hogsmeade and that dementor—he had sent a Killing Curse at it—had actually spoken the words and hated the creature enough for the beam of green light to actually appear…Did he care for Lily that much, then? Did he care for her so much that he couldn’t let a dementor near her—or did he just hate dementors beyond all reason?

Lily was hoping for the former, but she knew it was really the latter.

“I’d just like to be able to defend myself, James. And I need your help.”

James nodded. “I’ll help you.”

Lily smiled brightly and leaned forward, kissing him on the cheek—she wanted to kiss him very badly, but the only times they were alone someone either interrupted them, or they were in the most inappropriate places. Life had been so busy since the attack in Hogsmeade—students with nightmares, letters to proofread, N.E.W.Ts…

The N.E.W.Ts were the worst of all. The pressure was mounting, and many students had been taken to the hospital wing already—

James interrupted her thoughts buy squeezing her sides. Lily’s locked her gaze on his and she recognized the unmistakable glint in his eyes.

“James…”

“The library’s empty, love. Please?”

She did want to kiss him very much. And he had called her love.

She leaned forward slowly, her eyes on his, but she had barely moved at all when she heard an ominous creaking noise.

“What was—AAAH!”

With a crash of splintering wood, the chair they were sitting on shattered into a hundred tiny pieces, and Lily heard the sound of hysterical laughter and saw the back of a dark head running away—Sirius. James lay laughing on the floor, and Lily pulled him up, laughing also.

“You—should—have—seen—your—face! Even though you knew it was coming!”

“Yours wasn’t any better,” James said sourly. “’What was—aaaaaaah!’”

“I do not talk like that!” Lily cried.

James smiled and held out a hand to her. She glanced over his shoulder and cringed; Madame Pince was walking towards them, looking livid.

Lily and James ran from the library, chased by James’s heavy transfiguration book.

Lily did not know when or where they were going to practice her patronus; all she knew was that James had told her to meet him at curfew right outside the Fat Lady’s portrait.

Curious, and rather perturbed as to why they were meeting after curfew, she waited outside for him. At ten-past nine he still hadn’t appeared, and she was becoming rather irritable.

A hand gripped her wrist and she shrieked, trying to draw her wand, but there was the sensation of cool fabric being dragged across her arm, and James appeared out of midair. She stared at him, shell-shocked, and waited mutely for an explanation.

“Invisibility Cloak. My old Aunt Jemima—my favorite, actually, a real darling—gave it to me for my tenth birthday—“

“A ten-year-old James Potter with an Invisibility cloak—it’s a miracle the universe hasn’t displaced itself from all the mayhem.”

James grinned. “How do you know it hasn’t?”

Lily glared at him but he continued to grin cheekily at her, and she couldn’t help it; she gave in and sighed. “Where are we going?”

James swung the cloak over her and they had to bend slightly so it covered their feet, and he took her wrist. He led her through a myriad of corridors, secret passageways, and hidden staircases, avoided Filch successfully three times, and finally opened the door to an empty classroom after a countless number of stairs.

“We’re in the East Tower—see—that’s the lake.”

Lily looked out the window, and sure enough, she could see the Hogwarts Lake glittering in the moonlight. It was a breathtaking sight. “So are we going to practice here?”

James nodded and pointed to a crate at the side of the room which was shuddering lightly. “Boggart. If you remember Hogsmeade enough it might take the form of a dementor. Or it could take the normal form your boggart takes.”

Lily’s mouth went dry and she found it hard to swallow. “All right. Can we try it without the boggart?”

James nodded again. “Do you know the theory behind the Patronus Charm?”

Lily shook her head. “Somewhat. I think I’m missing something though—because I just can’t get it. I’ve tried.”

“A Patronus Charm is the conjuring of a single happy though or feeling—and channeling it into a shape or form that protects you—you won’t know the form or choose it—and being able to drive a dementor off. You know the incantation. Do you have a thought?”

Lily thought hard and came up with the memory of getting her Hogwarts letter—one of the happiest moments of her young life. “Expecto Patronum!”

A shimmering silver mist floated slowly from her wand. Lily stared at it in dismay and James smiled.

“Good, good. Progress, at least. You probably need to choose another memory.”

Lily frowned…what else was there? She tried with her childhood memories—playing house with her sister, getting her first horse, winning all those competitions…she went through her Hogwarts memories—getting through the barrier, boarding the train, getting her owl, celebrating birthdays…

All these memories produced a shimmering mist. It was only when she thought of meeting Sunny that she was able to conjure anything more. Glittering and silver, a shape burst from her wand, but it had no discernible outline, and it was gone in just a moment.

James frowned. “Lily…you aren’t being happy enough.”

“I’m trying,” she said exasperatedly, shifting on her feet; they were beginning to ache.

James sighed. “Let’s take a break. It’s past midnight.”

Lily looked at her watch and noticed with a shock that it was indeed past twelve o’clock. She followed James to the window and stared blankly as he began to climb out of it.

“What are you doing?”

“We’re taking a break.”

“Why are you climbing out the window though?”

“Because this is where we’re taking our break.”

“But there’s nothing out there to support you—JAMES!”

He had let go of the sill and he dropped ten feet before he seemed to hit something solid. He smiled up at her, the starlight reflecting off his glasses, and held out his arms.

“See? No harm done. Grab the cloak, will you?”

Lily picked up the cloak from the floor and swung one leg over the sill. She looked over the edge and for on infinitesimal second—she was eleven again and terrified to get on her broom. The fright passed in an instant, and she let go of the sill, falling with a muffled curse against James.

“Oh, how sweet of you. You caught me.”

She expected him to laugh, but she didn’t expect him to look very seriously at her and say, “I’ll always catch you.”

It was a rather cheesy comment, but it still made her feel very warm to hear him say it.

“It’s cold out here,” she said instead, drawing her robes tighter around her body.

James smiled and scooted backwards until he was leaning against the castle wall. Lily followed suit and realized that someone—and she had a very good idea who—had put a Cushioning Charm on the wall.

James muttered something over his cloak and spread it out over them. Warmth radiated from it and it had become heavier; their bodies did not turn invisible.

“It is a little creepy to not be able to see your legs,” James said thoughtfully, before turning to Lily. “So what do you think?”

“Of this? It’s beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking.”

A slow grin spread across James’s face. “Happy Valentine’s day, Lily.”

Lily stared at him for a moment, bewildered. She had completely forgotten—she had had no idea—how long had he been planning…?

“This…this is your Valentine’s day gift?” she said faintly, motioning around her with her hand.

James stopped grinning and he looked rather worried. “Yes. Don’t you like it?”

“I love it! But—I forgot, James. I didn’t get you anything.”

James shrugged. “I know. I just felt…as if I should do something.”

Lily found herself smiling. “Who knew that under all the cocky arrogance there was such a sweet little boy?” she said, imitating her least favorite aunt’s voice. James raised an eyebrow at her and she put her arms around him, pressing her face into his shoulder and inhaling the clean scent of his robes.

There’s got to be something wrong with this—he can’t be so bloody perfect. It isn’t possible.

“Lily—I’m not done yet.”

She made muffled sound against his shoulder to show that she was listening. James seemed to get the idea.

“You asked me how Sirius, Peter, and I stay with Remus.”

Lily stopped breathing.

James took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “We’re Animagi.”

Lily let out a sharp exhale and looked up. “Really?”

“Really.”

“What—what form do you take?”

James shook his head. “Guess.”

Lily stared at him, at a loss for words. “I have absolutely no clue.”

James shrugged. “Then I guess you’ll have to figure it out yourself.”

“How did you—how long—and Peter…I mean…”

“A lot of studying—it took us the better part of five years—and we waited very patiently for Peter.”

“God…you’re amazing. You won’t stop at anything to help Remus—you all love him so much…I wish I had that—I want friends like that—James, I have no friends!

This thought had occurred to her very suddenly, and she realized that it was, in fact, very true. Now that Sunny and Ana were gone, she had no friends to confide in, to giggle with, to talk about boys with. I miss that, she thought with a pang. I want that back.

James looked very confused, as though wondering how this perfect gift had turned into an emotional roller coaster.

“Well—er—we’re your friends. Sirius and Peter and Remus and me.”

“It isn’t the same, though.”

“I know it isn’t, Lily,” James said quietly. “And I know it isn’t fair either—but it’s life, and you have to accept it. You’ll…you’ll make new friends. Sometime…you will.”

Lily shut her eyes against the scarce tears that were gathering and laid her head down on James’s lap. He stroked her hair gently, lulling her into a peaceful state she only found with him.

“What do you hear when a dementor comes near you, Lily?”

Lily choked on her own breath and coughed violently. James patted her hard on the back until she had calmed down, and she averted her eyes from his. “I hear…I hear terrible things.”

She felt his hesitation. “Like what?”

“I used to—I used to ride horses. I loved horses when I was younger—I was good, too! I was better than Petunia, even…”

James said nothing, but he continued to rub his hands against her scalp.

“I was ten—it was only a few months before I got my letter—We were at horse camp and Petunia had just gotten a horse for her birthday. A beautiful mare—black coat, white socks…the fastest horse I’ve ever seen in my life.”

James was twirling her curls around his fingers.

“Petunia was watching the six-year-olds to the ten-year-olds with her friend, and there were about eight of us…I snuck off during the night and saddled up the mare, and I just s-started riding out….”

The sound of James’s breathing was comforting. To her dismay, Lily found she was crying.

“A-and it was so bloody dark and the mare balked! But I was so young and stupid and I urged her forward and she was so trusting! We stood there for so long but she finally began to walk forward…and then run…and the cliff loomed up and I couldn’t stop it. She kicked out and went to jump but I s-s-slid off and sh-she didn’t make it. The mare—that beautiful mare…she hurt her leg and fell into the ravine—“

Lily broke off into harsh breath. The sickening crunch of breaking bones and the loud thud of heavy muscle and sinew hitting the ground…tearing flesh…terrified breathing…the poor mare! “But there was nothing I could do and I went to try and see the mare but I slipped and fell down the cliff face and hurt my ankle…s-s-so I couldn’t move and I was stuck on this ledge and it was so high! And when dawn broke I could see down at the rocks and the mare’s b-body and I-I was so terrified and then I heard voices and I was so startled I fell!”

Lily gulped. “And the ground was rushing up to meet me and I was so terrified I was going to hit the mare’s body but then I just stopped and it felt like someone had caught me and I sat on the ground and I fell asleep—but I had this dream—and I knew something had caught me—it was my magic really, but I didn’t know that—and I saw this animal but I could never pinpoint what it was—something strong and beautiful but then I woke and they had f-f-found me…and Petty never forgave me for killing the mare and she was fired and the c-c-camp was closed…because one of the six-year olds had followed me and w-w-when the mare jumped she had kicked the girl into a tree and the kid died! And it w-was all my fault because I knew to always clear behind me b-before I jumped! And I hear all the sounds—they horse breathing and I can hear the girl crying out and I can feel the ground—James—it’s all my fault…it’s all my fault.”

She bunched the fabric of his pants leg in her fist and breathed deeply. Her eyelids felt heavy—she was so tired…she needed to sleep…but she heard him murmuring something to her—something she couldn’t make out—something infinitely soothing…

Lily woke at the sensation of someone whispering in her ear.

“Lily—come on—wake up.”

She struggled into a sitting position—seeing that sometime during the night she had been moved until she was lying down on her back, using James’s thigh as a pillow. James pulled at her hair and she winced, knowing it looked like a cross between a rat’s nest and a bundle or twigs. While James was turned away, she quickly grabbed her wand and did a Freshening Charm on her mouth. She flung her wand to the side a nanosecond before he turned back to her.

He pointed. “Go on—here’s the rest of it. Look over there.”

Lily looked past his finger and caught her breath. The sun was exploding across from them—it was so huge it looked as if they were seeing it from close up. The sky was full of pinks and purples and yellows and the most beautiful golden color—red as dark as the Gryffindor shade…

It was the perfect moment for the perfect kiss.

Or, at least, it would have been if they hadn’t bumped noses in their haste to reach each other. Both laughed nervously and stared at the other.

James caught her hand and pulled her closer; Lily closed the remaining distance between them and pressed her lips to his.

They wasted no time seeing if they would be interrupted once again. The kiss was shallow—almost chaste, but the shock it sent through Lily left her gasping. She pulled away, gaping at him, and therefore wasn’t prepared for him to tackle her to the invisible platform and kiss her senseless.

“Lily—“

“Oh, shut up,” she muttered crossly, annoyed that he had stopped kissing her to speak. Speaking was bad. Snogging was good.

“Lily.”

“Shut up!”

He made a strange sound in the back of his throat, but he made no protest as she dragged him closer, attaching her mouth to his again.

Twenty minutes later, they climbed through the window again, tired, disheveled, and red-lipped from kissing, but ten times happier than they had been the night before.

“Think you’re ready for that patronus?” James muttered against her mouth. Lily nodded absently and drew her wand, kissing him again and detaching herself, before leaning up to peck him on the lips and then wrench herself away, breathing heavily and grinning uncontrollably.

“Expecto Patronum!”

A silver mass erupted from her wand—she saw the strong, powerful legs before James grabbed her and kissed her again, laughing against her mouth.

“You’ve done it—you got it, Lily!”

He nibbled her lower lip and she sighed against his mouth, kissing him back slowly, before remembering that she hadn’t seen what form her patronus had taken.

“Wait—James—hold up a moment—“

She pulled away and looked at her patronus, eyeing it critically in the half-morning light. It stood with its head cocked to the side, staring at her—reminding her of someone—someone she could quite place. It was an animal—a moose, perhaps? No, an antelope—

“It’s a stag,” James whispered.

“Oh…oh, yes it is!” Lily said. Yes, a stag…a magnificent set of antlers, strong flanks, tall stance…its manner even radiated something—something utterly familiar but implacable…she had seen this stag before somewhere…

“Why a stag?” she whispered to the quiet room.

James swallowed. “I have no idea.”

As he spoke, her patronus inclined its head and she smiled a little half-smile at it, before it faded away into nothingness, and the patch of sunlight that had shown on it before lay forlorn on the flagstones of the tower room.

It registered.

This was the stag from her dream—the presence that had protected her during the night when she had lain cold and lonely in that ravine with only the dead mare for company—Ebony, had been the horse’s name; Ebony.

She didn’t mention it to James, but she did follow him out of the tower, and she didn’t miss his perturbed look, and the glances he kept throwing back at her.

February 16, 1978

James was trying to sneak out of the common room in his cloak.

Lily sat at one of the tables, finishing her homework for Charms, studiously ignoring the almost inaudible sounds that issued from behind her. She had seen the flash of his glasses through a partition in the cloak, but she wanted to know where he was going, so she pretended she didn’t know he was there

Then again, she knew he was going to see Remus—it was the full moon tonight—but she wanted to know what form he took when he transformed. She faked a coughing fit and heard the portrait hole swing open, then shut. When she was sure he was gone, she jumped up, and leaving her things on the table, ran through the castle to the East Tower.

She swung herself out of the window and onto the platform. She felt a dizzy for only a second before she dropped to the solid platform space beneath her. She looked down and gaped at the spiky black turrets that seemed to loom up to meet her—if she were to fall, she would be speared on them.

It’s just like flying—it’s beautiful—just like flying!

Her breathing calmed and she looked out at the lake, suddenly remembering just why she was here. A brisk wind picked up and blew her hair into her face. She impatiently tossed it over her shoulder and squinted out—her view of the Whomping Willow was obstructed by the side of the East Tower. She wouldn’t be able to see what was going on.

“Accio broom!” she said instead, drawing out her wand. She waited for a few moments and heard the whizzing sound of a broom flying at breakneck speed through the air. It stopped right in front of her, at the perfect height to mount and kick off. She did so and felt the wind ruffle her hair. Ever since she had conquered her fear of heights she had loved flying.

She flew to the front of the East Tower and hovered there, watching the Whomping Willow. It had just frozen, and in a few moments it had started moving again. Lily frowned and looked around the grounds and below at the castle walls. Quickly, she zoomed down to the ground and took off for the Willow on foot at top speed. She ducked underneath the branches but one hit her on the shoulder and she recoiled.

Cursing, she picked up a rock and threw it at the side of the tree, hard, and immediately, all the branches moved towards that side and Lily hurried forward. The Willow realized what had happened and snapped back into defensive mode, whacking her on the back just as she dropped into the tunnel.

It was gloomy, but she could hear voices ahead, echoing off the walls. It sounded like James, Sirius, and Peter, and she shrank into the shadows instinctively. Her hands gripped her broom tightly and she began to walk down the tunnel for what seemed an age. Finally, she got to a door with peeling paint that looked as if it had been gouged many times with claws.

Werewolf claws.

Lily suppressed a shudder and opened the door, wincing as it creaked loudly. There were voices upstairs and she stayed in the doorway, peeking into the ground floor.

I’m in the Shrieking Shack!

There was no mistaking the little of the view she could see through the grimy window. It was Hogsmeade from the hilltop the Shack sat on. Broken furniture pieces lay about in the room, along with a few couches that had the stuffing bursting out of them after they had been ripped.

…by claws.

“AAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!”

Lily jumped as the yell came from the upper floor.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

Lily pressed a hand to her forehead and willed the noise away. She knew werewolf transformations were painful, but she didn’t know exactly how painful. Snarling sounds were coming for upstairs. She heard a loud scuffle on the stairwell, and shadowy forms tumbled down.

A dark wolf and a black dog that look remarkably like a Grim were wrestling on the ground. A small squeaking noise issued from somewhere in the room and she spotted a small rat.

Peter? And the dog is…James or Sirius?

She frowned. A dog was not something she thought James would be as an Animagus; perhaps Sirius, but not James…but Lily’s thoughts broke off as the wolf stiffened and turned towards her door, sniffing the air and giving a menacing growl from deep in its throat. Terrified, Lily stood motionless.

The door suddenly opened, and the werewolf and the dog started, staring at the opening door, ready to pounce and both growling slightly. The two animals looked torn between going for Lily or the person in the door.

Lily forgot herself and gasped and stepped forward as the werewolf bounded for James, most probably eager for human flesh. In a split second, James’s eyes met hers and she saw his widen, before he disappeared…and a stag took his place.

Lily put a hand over her mouth as the wolf jumped at the stag, which butted its antlers forward and pushed the wolf to the ground. The wolf rolled over on its side and leaped for the stag, drawing its claws across the stag’s chest and opening a large, bloody wound.

The stag’s magnificent, dark brown coat was not stained by red blood—it rather looked black against his pelt. Lily’s fingers were itching to look in a book to find the proper incantation to heal such a wound.

Let him be okay. Please let him be okay!

If he wasn’t…Lily shook the thought away and refused to cry. She swiped at her eyes until they were dry.

The dog butted into the wolf and they rolled out the door, followed by a small creature: the rat. The stag shook its magnificent, shaggy head and antlers—and transformed back into James.

James wrenched the door she was hiding behind open and it slammed against the adjacent wall with a resounding crash. He grabbed her arm and pulled her forward roughly until they stood in the center of the room. Whatever had happened to him in his stag form had disappeared where he transformed back into human form.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Lily?” James snarled, his eyes blazing. “He could have smelled you. He could have bit you. He could have killed you!”

Lily tried to pull her arm from his hand but he was holding her too hard. “I just—I wanted to…”

“THIS ISN’T CHILD’S PLAY!” James roared, grabbing her other arm and shaking her slightly. His hands were bruising her arms, but she bit her tongue against her cry of pain. “THIS IS SERIOUS! THAT ISN’T REMUS LUPIN, LILY! IT’S A WEREWOLF!”

“I noticed,” she snapped, trying to pull away from him.

“DON’T YOU GET SMART WITH ME, LILY! I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING—IF YOU WERE EVEN THINKING—MERLIN—IF HE ATTACKED YOU AND YOU FUCKING DIED I SWEAR TO MERLIN I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT YOU BACK TO LIFE AND KILLED YOU AGAIN FOR BEING SO STUPID!”

It was stupid…Not that she would admit it to James.

“Do you even—can’t you think of what it would do to me—to all of us if you’d—Lily—come on—why didn’t you think?”

“James—nothing happened—I can take care of myself—“

She immediately knew she had said the wrong thing. James, who had slumped his shoulders before, immediately went rigid and glared at her. He opened his mouth wide, but instead of shouting a whisper came out of his mouth.

“When you walk through that door and witness his pain nothing is ever the same again. You can’t think or speak. You…” He trailed off and stared at her helplessly, his grip on her arms finally slackening. He pulled her closer and buried his face in her shoulder. Lily put her hands in his hair from the sheer shock of it—his vulnerability—which she didn’t see very often.

“Don’t you ever try this again, do you—d’you hear me? I love you too much to let you get killed—especially when I could have protected you.”

Lily found herself shaking…I love you too much…did he really love her? They had only been dating for a little less than two weeks, and he already loved her? Was she supposed to say it back? She looked down at his messy hair helplessly.

I love you too much to let you get killed.

James—loves—you…

Lily felt dizzy…sick. She didn’t deserve this—she didn’t deserve for him to love her. Her heart raced and she was sure he could hear it—the silence between them was charged with something—something powerful and electrical—James drew a shuddering breath and stepped away, holding her at an arm’s length.

“You go into the passage and don’t stop walking until you get to the school. Don’t stay to see what happens. This is my fight with Remus and he’s not really going to hurt me.”

Lily started. How does he know that’s what I’m worried about?

“Okay,” she whispered.

“Good,” James said firmly, pulling her face to his and kissing her thoroughly. Lily’s melted into him—her knees going weak and her stomach fluttering.

Stop being such a lovesick girl, she told herself fiercely, as he pulled away from her slowly, resting his forehead against hers and sighing against her mouth. He winced when her hands pressed against his chest.

“It’s sore. From the cut. It heals over when I transform back but it always feels sore.”

Lily met his eyes and tried to communicate that she was sorry—so sorry, sorrier than she had ever been in her life…

“Go on.”

Lily nodded and drew away from him, breathing harshly but unwilling to let go of his hands. She kept a tight grip of them and squeezed them. James gave her a shaky smile. “Go on,” he repeated.

“Okay,” she whispered again, stepping out of the room—standing under the lintel, and with a last look at him standing there in the center of the room, she went into the passageway, and she didn’t stop walking until she got to her bedroom.

James—loves—you…and he’s your stag.

Lily buried her face in her pillow to hide her earsplitting grin.

February 17, 1978

Lily didn’t see James again until the next afternoon, and when she did, he was sitting with Remus in the common room, obviously having skived off his classes.

Not wanting to interrupt them—they looked to be in a very serious conversation—Lily set her books down on a table across the room from them and set to work on her homework. By the time James came up to her two hours later, she had finished her essay for Charms and was halfway through her Transfiguration questions.

“I’ve made up with Remus.”

Lily looked up at him and smiled, slightly uneasy. “Is that so? That’s wonderful.”

James sighed and sat down in the chair next to her. “I know. And he knows about us. Officially.”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “He didn’t know?”

“He knew…I just…cemented the idea. Sirius obviously knows—the prank in the library, but Remus asked if it was for real. I told Peter after Sirius though.”

Lily smiled. “It feels more complete now—doesn’t it?”

James snorted and gestured around them. “Not until this entire school knows, it won’t be complete. And they’ll find out somehow.”

Lily almost saw the light bulb appear over her own head and her grin widened. “Wait…how about we start a little rumor?”

James raised an eyebrow, mirroring her earlier expression. “What kind of rumor?” he asked slowly.

Lily smiled in what she knew was an innocent manner. “Well…”

And she climbed onto his lap in front of all (most of) Gryffindor Tower. Lily saw the jaws drop around her.

“This type of rumor,” Lily whispered, settling herself down until she was comfortable—on knee on either side of him, as she had been in the shower—and wrapping her arms around his neck.

James put his hands on her waist and pulled her closer until she was fitted snugly against him, her cheek pressed to his. “Good idea.” Lily saw his eyes shift to the side, where two sixth year Gryffindor boys were staring with their mouths open.

“Oh…okay then, James. That’s enough now. We shouldn’t be doing this—“ Lily began as his lips found her neck. She hadn’t meant to take it quite this far.

“Too bad—now that I’m started…” he said against her skin, biting it softly.

“…You aren’t ever going to stop. James Potter, you are incorrigible.”

James exhaled against the nape of her neck, sending warm shivers down her spine, and rested his forehead against the back of shoulder. “I know,” he said, his voice muffled.

Lily sighed and got up. She pulled her essay closer, picking up her quill and beginning to describe the wand movement used for self-transfiguration.

“James!”

The sound of his laughter was the loudest in the common room, and he continued to move his hands, much to Lily’s shock—though not her dismay.

20. Chapter Eighteen: Falling

I own nothing.

This chapter most definitely contains mature subject matter—very light R. If it isn’t clear, I’ll write out what happens in the last author’s note. Read and have fun.

Chapter 18: Falling

[Eighth World Wonder¸ by Kimberly Locke]

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March 31, 1978

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“This one?”

James looked at her and she sighed inwardly as she caught sight of the bored expression on his face.

“It’s nice. Not really your color though.”

She looked down at the dress—dark green, just a few shades darker than her eyes. “Not my color?”

“Well—it is, but you’ve worn it a few times. Pick something else out.”

Lily put her hands on her hips. “Do you just want to leave? You aren’t being very helpful. You’ve said yourself that you love this color on me—“

“I never did,” he snapped back.

“Don’t be mean,” she chided. “Now I’m going to come out with another dress and you’re going to make a useful suggestion.” She went back into the changing room and pulled the curtain shut.

As she drew the silky green dress over her head, she idly wondered what James would do if she asked him to come in and watch her dress. The thought sent a blush up her neck and into her cheeks. She dropped the dress on the floor and turned to the next, another one in green. The saleslady had overloaded her with green dresses and skirts.

Lily had dragged James to the nearest town after classes (with permission from McGonagall) and prayed it had a dress shop; thankfully, it did. She was leaving the next day and desperately needed a dress that was appropriate for both a maid-of-honor and the reception. Her mother had told her all the others would be wearing pink, no doubt Petunia’s choice because it would make Lily look terrible.

She flipped through the dresses and came across a dark purple one that she adored, attached by mistake to another hanger. She slid it carefully over her head and wriggled into it. It fit tightly over her hips and thighs and the neckline plunged dangerously, revealing the black of her bra. The dress was almost black—yet distinguishably purple when the light hit it. She looked it over a frowned, for it was obviously a nightgown.

“James?” she asked, and was startled when her voice came out as a hoarse croak.

He pulled aside the curtain and stopped short when he caught sight of what she was wearing.

“Hello,” he said dazedly. “What’s that?”

“It’s a dress. You’re supposed to make a useful comment.”

“Well, quite obviously, but are you really going to wear it to your sister’s wedding?”

“Of course not. I just wanted to…see what you thought.”

“Well, I think it makes me want to shag you. Isn’t that what you want?”

“Don’t be mean,” she reprimanded again.

James studied her carefully and then reached out, drawing circles with his warm fingers on her back, just under her shoulder blades. He pulled the fabric of the dress taut and Lily gasped and smacked him on the arm as it revealed more of her bra.

“I am a bloke,” he pointed out.

“Well, quite obviously,” she said mockingly.

“Take it off,” he said suddenly, breathlessly.

“Pardon?”

He opened his mouth to repeat himself but instead shook his head and closed it. He bent down and caught the hem of the dress in his fingers, pulled it slowly up, skimming her legs with his hands. The dress bunched at her hips and he impulsively pushed his pelvis against hers. Lily watched with interest in the mirror as it rose over her breasts. She raised her arms and he dropped the dress on the floor.

“I give up,” he said quietly, looking her over appraisingly. “I do give up. If you want me to, I’m going to shag you right now. Here.”

Lily took a deep breath as he swooped down and kissed her. She kissed him back feverishly and gasped when one of his hands slid around her back and unhooked her bra. His hand crept slowly down her spine and unbearable pleasure sent shocks into her skin. She shivered uncontrollably and pressed herself closer.

He eased his mouth away and stroked her lower back gently, carefully; as if afraid he might break her. The sensation almost made her cry.

“What are you doing?” she asked thickly.

“It just happens, I think,” he whispered. “With the Empathy—your pulse points and your lower back and your stomach—also your pressure points. If I press—“ to demonstrate he ran his fingers teasingly down her wrist, over her pulse, “—and add a bit of magic—“ a jolt went through her entire body, “—it makes you feel things. Right? I could even…I could even take away your pain.”

Lily was only half listening. She turned her face up for another kiss and he complied, at the same time sliding his hand under the waistband of her knickers. Lily almost tensed but the mesmerizing feel of his fingers on her neck made her relax.

“Don’t be scared,” he murmured in her ear. “Don’t cry—“

“It feels good,” she whispered, hiding her face in his shoulder, red with shame. She shifted, sighed, clutched at the fabric of his shirt front tightly.

“Relax,” he said softly into her ear, kissing her temple very lightly. “Don’t be embarrassed, it’s perfectly natural. Relax.”

She did, sagging against him and breathing rapidly. After a moment, her heartbeat returned to normal and she felt his fingers brush lightly against the side of her breast. Very slowly, taking his time to inspect her, he clasped her bra and picked up a dress with one hand while her knees shook and she grabbed onto a chair to keep from falling.

“This one. It will look lovely on you.”

She stared after him, speechless, as he left the room and shut the curtain behind him. She looked down at his choice—a cobalt blue sleeveless dress—backless, figure-flattering, and extremely tasteful.

“Dear lord, when did he become so bloody perfect?” she asked herself aloud.

Laughter from outside told her that James had heard her comment.

________________________________

April 1, 1978

________________________________

Lily and James stood together on the platform, waiting for the Knight Bus to appear. Lily avoided his eyes and gripped her weekend case tighter, until she was sure her knuckles were white.

The both seemed to know that by the time Lily came back, she would have made a decision. A decision about what, they really didn’t know—but a decision nonetheless.

James cleared his throat and she looked at him. He had not touched her since the previous afternoon in the changing room, but when he did, it made her want to cry with relief. She yearned for his touch—craved it in a way that was almost indecent.

She always felt as if she was on a cliff with him—a dangerously crumbling cliff that was her resolve—and at any given point in time she would fall down…straight down into his arms. She couldn’t fall in love—not now, not when she wasn’t even sure who she was.

It was five minutes of ten. Lily looked James nervously.

And quite suddenly—she didn’t know how it happened—she was in his arms and he was squeezing her tightly.

“Don’t go off and fall in love with one of your family friends, okay? I’ll have to come down there and hurt him.”

Lily laughed weakly. “Hopefully I won’t—the only family friends remotely my age are extremely ugly and can’t kiss quite as well as you.”

James stared at her shrewdly. “You’re joking, right?”

She didn’t answer, but she raised an eyebrow and smiled.

“Of course you’re joking. You’ve loved me for years and you’d never kiss another—even if you didn’t realize your devotion to me.”

Lily snorted and buried her face in his shoulder. “I’m going to miss you.”

“Lily—it’s for two days.”

“That’s a long time. Promise you won’t fall for a prettier girl here?”

“There are no prettier girls,” he whispered, touching his forehead to hers.

Lily smiled waveringly. “You’re so sweet…”

“It’s part of my charm.”

“…but you do know how to ruin a romantic moment,” she added.

James grinned. “Really?” He got down on one knee and Lily’s heart skipped a beat—before she realized James wasn’t the type to propose on one knee. He would sooner do it on a broom.

With a flourish, James pulled out a flower from his sleeve, no longer smiling. He looked quite serious as he stood and pressed the flower—a single white calla lily—into her shaking hand.

“I love you,” he said very quietly. “I truly do—and I don’t have any clue why. But…I want you to think when you go to your parents’ house…about everything that’s happened in the past few months, because I’m not going anywhere—and I can’t picture the future without you in it. I can’t. And I really hope that you can trust me when I say that—trust me at all, really—because I think I’m a part of your future too.”

Lily was quivering, and she jumped when the Knight Bus appeared with loud BANG!

James looked up and grabbed her hands. “Promise me you’ll think about it? Us and me?”

“I promise—“

He kissed her lightly and pulled her close, pressing his lips to her temple and sighing. “I love you…I love you.”

Oh, how that ledge was slowly crumbling.

“Whachoo doin’ down there? You gettin’ on?”

“She’s coming,” James said to the voice. He closed his hand around hers—the one holding the lily, and smiled. “I’ll see you.”

Lily nodded speechlessly and he turned away.

The last bit of barrier—of the ledge—crumbled, and Lily was free-falling, and she knew that when she finally landed, James would be there to catch her.

_______________________________

April 2, 1978

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The next morning Lily awoke to the tapping of a talon on her bedroom window. She jumped up and went to let the owl in before anyone saw it, stubbing her toe on her dresser in the process.

“Damn,” she muttered, throwing the window open wide and letting the fresh air in. The owl swooped into her room and dropped a letter on her bed, then perched on her bedpost.

“What do you—oh, you aren’t a regular bird at all!”

It wasn’t an owl—it was a raven. It glared at Lily with beady eyes and squawked.

Lily felt a strange sense of foreboding as she looked at the letter, which was trimmed in black. She reached for it, keeping one eye on the black bird. She slit open the envelope and gasped as a smoky image floated up.

It was the Dark Mark.

Lily threw the letter into the trash can where it burst into flames before disappearing, then waved rapidly at the smoky image in the air. She turned furious eyes on the bird.

“Get out!” she hissed, taking her jumper and swatting the bird with it. The raven cawed and took to the air, almost scratching her across the face as it left them room.

Lily sat down shakily in her desk chair and stared at the spot where the Mark had been. The knock that sounded on her door made her jump a foot into the air.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Mum, darling.”

“Come in.”

Her mother opened the door slowly and shut it very carefully. “I didn’t know if you’d be up.”

“What time is it?” Lily asked, then immediately turned to look behind her at the clock. It was half-past seven.

“I just wanted to talk before everyone got up. We didn’t get a chance last night.” Her mother sat down on the bed and sighed. She was five months pregnant and it couldn’t be easy for her to move around.

“Is anything wrong?” Lily asked anxiously. The last thing she wanted was to upset her mother.

“No. Just fancied a chat. How’s Hogwarts? And Sirius? How is Sirius?”

Lily’s cheeks burned with shame. She had written home only three, perhaps four times, after she had returned to Hogwarts from James’s father’s funeral. Her mother knew next to nothing about the occurrences of the past four months. Her letters had been vague, she knew that.

“I broke up with him—it turns out he was dating me because of a bet.”

“Oh, Lily,” her mum sighed.

“It’s all right, Mum. Really. I’m dating James now.”

A smile quirked at the corners of Mrs. Evans’s mouth. “Are you, dear? When did that begin?”

Lily frowned. “I don’t—I don’t even remember. It’s been such a mess, Mum. Do you ever feel like you need to get away, but then when you do you wish you hadn’t? He told me he loved me, Mum. Love. And I wanted to think and as soon as he walked away I just—plunged for him. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know when to sleep with him—“

“Lily!” her mother admonished.

“Well, it’s going to happen, and you can’t stop me,” Lily said quickly, lifting her chin.

“Have you—already—with Sirius--?”

“No. I haven’t with anyone.”

“Oh, Lily. It’s so hard to see you grow up. You were always my little one—“

“Mum!”

“It’s true and you know it!”

“I’m going to miss you, Mum.”

Her mother smiled. “I’m not going anywhere, love.”

Lily leaned forward and hugged her fiercely. “I know you aren’t. But I am, aren’t I? We’re losing each other. I’m James’s now.”

“We still have this—I’ll always be here for you, Lily.”

Lily sighed. It was times like this that she wanted a baby of her own—to feel what her mother was feeling with her. A sweet little daughter with her eyes and James’s hair—maybe a son. Yes, a son was better—

What are you THINKING? she screamed at herself. You aren’t having James’s children!

“Let’s go downstairs, Lily. There’s a surprise for you in the kitchen.”

Lily followed her mother out of the room. “I already bought a dress, Mum.”

Her mother’s face fell. “Did you? I was so sure that pink would look lovely on you!”

Lily frowned, then glared at her mother. “Not funny. Not funny at--” Lily fell down the last two steps to the kitchen and stared.

James was standing her childhood kitchen in his robes, looking entirely out of place and at the same time as if he belonged—as if he had always been there.

“James—what—why—how…”

“I’ll leave you to it, then,” Mrs. Evans said, leaving the room.

It was then that Lily noticed the deep circles under James’s eyes, the paleness of his skin. “James—are you all right?”

He shook his head and clamped his mouth shut, breathing deeply through his nose before speaking. “I thought you might not be okay, and I felt like killing myself because I thought you—that letter…and the Mark—Lily…”

“What in bloody hell are you talking about?”

“I got that letter—from Voldemort. Asking me to join him—and he said things would happen if I didn’t…didn’t you get one too? I was so sure you—“

“I did, but I didn’t read it. I threw it out. James, I’m fine. Listen—stop shaking!” She grabbed his arms and pulled his close. His hands ran down her sides—her back, her arms and waist. He was touching her as if in wonder, as if trying to ascertain that she was there…and Lily couldn’t fathom it.

“I don’t ever want to be apart from you again,” he whispered in her ear. “Never.”

“It was only hours—not even twelve.”

“I don’t care, Lily. I’m never going to leave you again. Merlin, not knowing was the worst part. I needed to know whether you were okay—“

“James, does Dumbledore know you’re here?”

James paled further. “I knew I had forgotten something. I snuck right into Hogsmeade and hailed the Knight Buss—“

“He doesn’t know?”

“He’ll figure it out,” James said. “Don’t worry.”

“James, you could get expelled—“

“They won’t expel me,” said James confidently.

Lily jabbed him in the stomach. “Don’t get cocky, you prat.”

“Don’t you tell me not to get cocky, Lily m’dear. As I recall—“

“What is he doing here, Mum?” asked a shrill voice from the stairs. Both Lily and James looked up to see Petunia with Mrs. Evans behind her. Lily’s mum had an apologetic expression on her face. “Mum! He is not staying for the wedding.”

“Petunia!” Mrs. Evans reprimanded. “Don’t be so rude to a guest again or I will personally call off your wedding, even though Vernon’s relatives have flown in from all over.”

“Yes, mother,” Petunia bit out. She shot a glare at James. “Please do me the pleasure of attending my wedding,” she hissed.

James looked slightly taken aback until Lily nudged him. “What? Oh, er…I’d be honored?”

Petunia groaned and flounced on up the stairs.

Lily turned her face away as she heard Father Callahan pronounce Vernon Dursley and Petunia man and wife. She studiously looked at the floor as they shared the traditional kiss.

She looked up for an instant and immediately met James’s eyes. Tension crackled between them, and Lily shut her eyes, allowing herself to wonder for one moment what it would be like to marry James.

Sirius would be the best man—Remus and Peter would quite obviously be ushers. Lily didn’t know anyone for a maid of honor, but perhaps Maria…and the cake! Oh, the cake would be magnificent, all cream and sugar and—

“Psst! Walk, girl!” Lily shot a glare at the beefy man next to her, no doubt one of Vernon’s many relatives, and took his arm gingerly. She caught James’s eyes and looked away again, feeling unnecessarily shy and coy at the same time. She left the church on the beefy man’s arm.

“Where to, my darling?” he asked thickly.

Lily smiled sweetly, imagining what it would be like kick him right in the bullocks. “Wedding pictures.”

Beef-man grunted and put his hand on the small of her back. Lily stiffened and they walked over to where the wedding party had assembled.

Ten minutes later, Beef-man was hopping madly away while Lily smiled innocently up into a camera lens. She avoided him in the limousine on the way to reception hall, and he looked rather uncomfortable, sitting the way he was.

As soon as they reached the hall Lily scanned the room for James. She saw him sitting at a table with some of her oldest family friends and felt slightly nervous. Knowing James, he would ask endless questions about her childhood, about her relationships with the people in this room. Half her instincts told her to go to him and pull him away, the other half said to let him have his fun. There wasn’t any information he could glean that could hurt her.

She took her table with the rest of the bridesmaids and listened idly to the chatter as she ate. She sat glumly through the cake cutting, the bride and groom dance, the bride and best man dance, and the father and bride dance.

Finally, the dance floor cleared and the general dancing began. Lily looked around for James and spotted him coming towards her. She grinned at him and took his hand wordlessly, allowing him to pull her onto the dance floor.

“This has been the most boring experience of my life,” he muttered in her ear.

Lily sighed and pressed her cheek against his chest. Something occurred to her.

“James—where on earth did you get this tuxedo?”

“I shrunk one of your dad’s. Didn’t want to buy one of my own.”

“I bet you didn’t ask permission.”

He smiled slightly. “I did.”

“He’s very attached to things that belong to him,” Lily continued.

He looked down at her, the strangest expression on his face. “Yes, he is.”

After that one dance, Lily and James didn’t share another the whole evening. Lily was kept busy making small talk with the new additions to her family, dancing with Vernon’s many relatives, and avoiding Beef-man in particular.

The band called for the last dance and Lily craned her neck, frantically looking for James. That night, she had been felt up by two very large men and she really wanted to dance with James again.

She whirled in delight when someone tapped her on the shoulder and smiled widely. Jimmy Burton was grinning at her for all that he was worth.

“Lily! Never thought I’d see you again! I’m still recovering from the slap! You can see the handprint!”

Lily blushed. She had been fifteen the summer Jimmy had kissed her—her first real kiss—and she had slapped him before they moved the next day. She hadn’t seen him since.

“You could use less exclamation marks, Jimmy,” she said dryly.

“Would you like a twirl around the floor?” he asked, bowing gallantly.

Lily laughed, a little disappointment rising as she knew she wouldn’t share another dance with James. Even so, she took Jimmy’s hand and they walked onto the floor.

“If it weren’t entirely inappropriate I would be slipping my hands into your dress right about now,” he said, right into her ear.

Instinct told her something was wrong—that Jimmy had changed. She should get out of here now, before he expected something from her.

“Don’t be presumptuous. My boyfriend could be twelve feet tall and out for your blood.”

Jimmy laughed. “Too right. Really though, do you have a boyfriend?”

Lily nodded. “I’m not the prude I was when I was fifteen,” she informed him archly.

“Aw, have you been saving yourself for me, Lily? You haven’t slept with said boyfriend yet, have you?”

Lily blushed. “None of your business,” she shot back.

“Ah, so you haven’t! So you have been saving yourself for me!”

“Or for me.”

Lily stopped dancing and turned, smiling a little at James. Knowing him, he would probably get angry with her later for dancing with Jimmy.

“Jim Burton,” Jimmy said, holding out a hand to James, who, surprisingly, took it and shook it firmly.

“James Potter.”

“I’m assuming you’re the boyfriend?”

“You’re assuming correctly.”

Hostility settled between the two boys and there was a silence until Jimmy gave a forced laugh. “Well then, I’ll leave you to it. There’s about a minute left to this song anyway.” He grinned at Lily, nodded stiffly to James, and headed off towards the drinks table.

“Family friend?” James asked, not making any move to dance with her.

“Yes.”

James nodded slowly. “All right.”

“All right? That’s it? Aren’t you going to fly into a rage?”

James raised an eyebrow and leaned against a pillar. “We’re in public.”

“So you’re going to fly into a rage later?”

James shook his head. “No.”

Lily frowned. “Well…why?”

“Because I don’t want to fight with and I don’t want to make you angry. You should be happy.”

Lily sighed a little. “You’re scaring me.”

James took in her in his arms just as the music died. “I hope not.”

“The music is ending.”

“I asked him to play just one more.”

Lily hid a smile and pillowed her head on his chest with a sigh. James’s fingers drummed light tattoos on her waist. His hands slid around her back and crossed, his fingers playing with the fabric on her sides.

“I wouldn’t let him slip his hands in,” she muttered.

“I’m not him.” He tickled his fingers down her spine and she shivered as his magic sank into her skin.

“No,” she agreed breathlessly, “you’re not.”

“This dress,” James said thickly, “is wonderful.”

Lily grinned. “You picked it.”

“Want to know a secret?”

Lily looked up at him. “What?”

“I grabbed the first one I saw and gave it to you because I was so shell-shocked.”

Lily smacked him lightly on the arm. “Well you subconsciously have good taste then.”

“Good to know,” he murmured, running a hand up her spine and then down again. He paused. “Are you…wearing a bra?”

Lily smirked. “I’m not wearing anything underneath.” She looked up quickly at his face.

He shut his eyes and pressed her closer. “You’re the evilest woman I know.”

She sighed and rested her head against his shoulder once more.

It was almost midnight when Lily got back to her room. She had bid goodbye to James outside his room, which he was, unfortunately, sharing with Jimmy. She shut her door with a click and stripped out of her dress, hanging it up carefully in her closet and slipping into a nightgown.

It was then that she noticed the parcel on her bed. Shivering and looking at the spot where the Dark Mark had been that morning, she crept closer and grabbed her wand, carefully untying the string.

The paper fell away and Lily gasped, lifting out the purple nightgown she had been wearing earlier in the dress shop. She held it reverently, inspecting it through blurry eyes and glancing towards the door, blinking away her tears. She strode outside and looked down the hall, where Jimmy was just leaving his room and heading for the loo. She walked forward carefully but he heard her anyway and spun around.

“Lily!” he said jovially. “What are you doing?”

“I just…needed to talk to James.”

“Dressed like that?”

Now that she was out in the hall, it struck her how daft she was being, especially since Jimmy was eyeing her form beneath her thin nightgown.

“Weren’t you going to the loo?” she asked.

Jimmy nodded but stepped forward towards her. She stepped back against the door and felt for the knob, twisting it quickly. “I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight, Jimmy,” she said quickly, slipping in and shutting the door in his face.

“Lily?”

James was standing right behind her, halfway through taking off his shirt. She smiled nervously at him.

“What are you doing here? Not that I mind or anything,” he added hastily as he realized she wasn’t wearing anything underneath her nightgown.

She blushed and crossed her arms over her chest. James pulled his shirt off the rest of the way and threw it on one of the beds. He wrapped his wrist around her forearms and pulled them away from her chest. “Don’t be modest, love.”

“You bought me that dress—the purple one—“

“I did. Say thank you.”

“James, you can’t just buy me a dress!” she said, stubbornly crossing her arms again.

“Why not? Say thank you, Lily.” He pulled them away once more.

Lily gave up and threw her hands in the air. “James!”

“Lily!”

“James, I appreciate it. I really do. But—“

“Lily, you deserve something nice, and Merlin knows I have enough money for it. I didn’t get you a birthday gift.”

“My birthday was in December—and I was still with Sirius and I didn’t like you. You can’t—“

“I can.”

“Fine. Don’t expect me to wear it.”

James’s face fell. “Damn.”

“Serves you right. You should have asked—“

“You wanted it,” James said softly, stepping forward. “You did.”

“That doesn’t mean—“

“And you wanted more. From me. Didn’t you?”

Lily swallowed.

“My, my, my, Lily. You’re a passionate little thing, aren’t you?”

“Stop it,” she whispered.

“Stop what?”

“Being like that.”

James paused, a puzzled expression on his face. “Like what?”

“I don’t know! However you’re being!”

“Lily,” he said softly, running his hand up her arm. “Don’t be mad at me. I just wanted to see it on you again. Is that too much to ask?”

Lily swallowed, quite suddenly realizing why she’d come to him. Everything was forgotten as she made a quick decision. “You can see it tonight.”

James’s eyes widened. “Lily…” he said warningly.

“James. I mean it this time.”

He nodded slowly, searching her face. His gaze raked boldly over her figure through the nightgown and he swallowed, his Adam ’s apple bobbing.

He leaned forward to kiss her and she tilted her face up, breathing heavily. His lips brushed hers and he pulled her closer, kissing her hungrily.

The door opened and they sprang apart. Lily’s cheeks flushed and James looked furious as Jimmy poked his head into the room, an irritating smirk on his face.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Am I interrupting anything?”

James let out a slight growl and Lily shook her head, wondering whether Jimmy had been listening outside the door and waiting to come in at the most inopportune moment. He walked leisurely into the room and lay down on his bed, folding his arms beneath his head.

James rolled his eyes, looking thoroughly disgusted, and kissed Lily again. “I’ll see you later?” he asked, his voice so soft she barely heard it.

“Yes,” Lily murmured. “Goodnight,” she said out loud, backing out of the room. She shut the door and leaned against it, biting her lip to keep a wide grin from spreading across her face.

________________________

April 2, 1978

________________________

She heard the door open very quietly and quickly glanced at the clock: Three in the morning. James crept into the room and she sat up in bed, smiling at him in the ghostly moonlight.

“It’s really late,” she remarked as he walked closer.

“Jim wouldn’t leave me alone. I sent a Stunner his way sometime around two but I missed and I had to Obliviate him—and then he finally did fall asleep—“

She knew she was supposed to scold him, but instead she found herself staying silent. Her voice caught in her throat as she saw the way he was moving towards her—catlike, with a panther-like grace that stilled all her actions, including all the processes in her brain.

“You—you shouldn’t have done that…”

“Too late,” he said, sitting on the side of the bed and pulling away the sheet she was clutching to her body. “And you wore it,” he muttered.

“I said you could see it.”

“And I have,” he said quietly. “Now…”

Her fingers darted to the straps and James watched closely as she began to remove the nightdress.

When she looked back on that night, she never really remembered what happened next. The sensations stayed with her—but the order in which they occurred was blurry and hard to distinguish.

There was the wonderful feel of his hands sliding over her skin, his flesh against hers, the weight of his body on top of her. There was the most satisfying and electrifying sensation of being joined with him, the slightest twinge of pain and then it was flowing gently away, never to be seen again…

“I love you.”

She said it at some point, but she never knew when, and he never told her. She didn’t even know if he heard her. It came out in a breathless whisper and then all her breath was gone—because she was soaring…

She woke sometime around half past six and stretched lazily, her every part aching, but in a satisfied, pleasurable way. She felt sore—pounded—but quite willing to turn over and shake James awake for another—

He wasn’t there.

Lily turned over and stared blankly at the ceiling, remembering what Maria had said…He never slips, and he never stays. And so he left her feeling empty.

She didn’t deserve this—she didn’t need this. Hadn’t she told him she loved him? Had he heard? Did he…did he even care? Her mind made up, she rolled out of bed and pulled on her dressing gown, going to find James.

Nicely? James pleasured her in a lovely way that’s very convenient when you want to remain a virgin.

Crudely? James fingered her in the changing room.

I am in no way encouraging teenagers to go out and have sex or perform other sexual acts.

21. Chapter Nineteen: Someone to Love

I own nothing.

Chapter 19: Someone to Love

[When You Love Someone, by Bryan Adams]

_______________________

April 2, 1978

_______________________

James woke just before dawn and stretched, turning over and flinging his arms out. He made contact with something warn and soft and froze, before everything from the previous night came rushing back to him.

James groaned quietly and slid his arm around Lily’s naked waist, pulling her in closer and burying his face in her hair. She stirred and murmured something in her sleep, her breath blowing hot against his neck and chest.

She half-turned against him and brought her leg up, throwing it across his waist and splaying out diagonally over the bed. James eased away from her and inspected her in the faint light coming in from the window.

Silky, soft skin, so pale it should seem unhealthy but on her it was beautiful. Dark red hair—small, round breasts, curves he had only dreamed of…gently flaring hips and the longest legs…

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, before smiling at himself and realizing she couldn’t hear. And she was…so beautiful. A shiver ran down his spine and it occurred to him that this was the second time had fallen asleep on a bed next to a woman, aside from his mother.

A wry smile twisted on his lips. All the shags he’d had and he had only slept next to a woman twice. It was almost laughable.

The smile melted off his face.

He couldn’t stay with her—couldn’t risk falling completely into her. He couldn’t drown in her like he had drowned in Maria that first morning—or even Amy in the night. He had promised himself he never would again.

He frowned. He already had fallen completely for her.

He reached out a shaking hand and touched her hair. As if sensing the presence of his hand, she turned her face and breathed warmly onto his skin. James shut his eyes, the exhilaration passing and exhaustion taking its place.

He slowly slid out of bed, not sure why. Either he didn’t want to get caught or he still had deep-seated issues with shagging and staying. He reached for his dressing gown and pulled it on, belting it tightly before slipping out of the room with a lingering glance at Lily’s naked form on the bed. He shivered with delight and shut the door, standing in the hallway without much to do.

There was a noise downstairs, not something scary and intruder-like but domestic sounds; the clink of china and the running of water. James hesitantly walked down the stairs and peeked into the kitchen, gulping as he saw who it was.

Mr. Evans was eating a bowl of cereal, his hair disheveled and a newspaper spread before him. He looked up and sent James a grim smile before he could retreat.

“Mr. Potter. Come sit down.” He motioned to a chair with his spoon and went back to the paper.

James crossed the room and sat down in the chair Mr. Evans had pointed to. He sat stiffly, very aware that he desperately wanted this man’s approval and judging from his conversation with Mr. Evans yesterday, it wouldn’t be particularly easy to gain it. Mr. Evans had dropped hints about how special Lily was—how much she meant to everyone—how close they used to be…

“A daughter is a special thing, isn’t she?”

James gulped and nodded, then shook his head. “I wouldn’t know, Mr. Evans.”

“Mr. Potter, I love my daughters very much. I have just lost one to the most despicable person on this planet, but that’s life and all I can do is pray Lily makes a better choice. She’s my little girl, Mr. Potter, and I’m the one that used to read her fairytales.”

James swallowed hard. “Call me James,” was all he offered.

“James,” Mr. Evans said speculatively. “James Potter. What are you doing with my daughter?”

“I’m…courting her…?”

“What are your intentions? I don’t want my daughter hurt, James. She used to ask me if a knight in shining armor would come for her and all I could do was say yes. I don’t want that to be a lie.”

James fought the urge to laugh hysterically. Here was Richard Evans, proud and naturally good-humored, running James on a gauntlet.

…perhaps he was actually serious?

This sobered James. “I don’t know. I love your daughter. I know that much and I’m proud to admit it. I’m not…the most self-assured person when it comes to her…isn’t that a good thing?”

Mr. Evans caught James’s eyes and stared hard at him, searching his face. James almost turned his head but instead held Mr. Evans’s gaze.

“You did not sleep in your room last night.”

James stopped breathing, but then he decided to run with it. “No, I didn’t.”

Mr. Evans nodded slowly. “I like you, James. But I don’t want you sleeping with my daughter. I don’t want anyone sleeping with my daughter.” He set down his spoon and pinched the bridge of his nose, looking utterly defeated. “I’m assuming this isn’t the first time and I hope you’ve used—“

“It…was the first time,” James interrupted, and immediately felt his ears go pink.

Mr. Evans looked rather surprised. “I’m still assuming you used…the necessary protection,” he said, wincing slightly at the nature of the conversation. “If you get my daughter pregnant I will firstly murder you. Then I will bring you back and kill you again.” He sighed. “I don’t suppose I can stop you, but I want your word that nothing more will go on in this house, under my roof. Are we understood?”

James nodded slowly. “Yes, Mr. Evans,” he answered, rightly and smartly terrified.

“Call me Richard.” He picked up his spoon and went back to his paper.

“Mr.—Richard…” James began, “I know you want to keep Lily as your little girl,” he said slowly. “I do understand that. And I want to…”

Intrigued, Mr. Evans took his eyes away from the paper and looked at James. “You want to…?” he prompted.

“I want to gain your respect,” he said quickly, stopping himself from averting his eyes. If he wanted this man’s respect, he would have to stand up to him. He locked his eyes on Mr. Evans’s hard blue ones. “I think it would benefit us all if I would gain your respect.”

“And why is that?”

James took a deep breath. “I want to…be Lily’s knight in shining armor. I hope I’m that knight.”

If James had been expecting surprise from Mr. Evans, he was mistaken. Mr. Evans’s gaze turned even more calculating and they sat in tense silence for a moment.

“And…could you support her?” Mr. Evans asked.

James frowned. “I have considerable savings in Gringott’s…from my father. Half his estate and savings went to me—but I don’t want to marry her right away. I think she’d say yes—but I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I’m just…preparing you for something that might happen if I decide…and I really do love her, Richard. I truly do…and I respect her and I trust her and I hope that’s enough for you.”

Mr. Evans sighed and clapped James on the back. “I hope you’re that knight too, James.”

James bit the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning too widely. Suddenly, footsteps were heard on the stairs and they looked up to see two people—a pretty woman of about thirty with sea-green eyes and brown hair, followed by a tall man with jet black hair and blue eyes.

“This is Dr. Burton,” Mr. Evans said, and the man held out a hand. “James Potter, Lily’s boyfriend,” he explained to the man. “This is his wife, Elenet.”

“Nice to meet you,” James said. “I met your son.” He was a bastard, he thought, but he didn’t add.

“Jimmy?” Elenet Burton asked in a musical voice. “He is a dear, isn’t he?”

James smiled noncommittally before noticing that she was being sarcastic. He grinned. “Oh, yes. He’s a great potential friend.”

Elenet’s eyes danced. “He’s a little spoiled, I’m afraid. He’s all right beneath all his superficiality.”

“Talking about me?” Jimmy asked, appearing at the stairs, shirtless with a pair of pajama bottoms on, his hair unkempt. His eyes scanned the room and his face fell slightly. “Why is everyone up so early?”

“Why are you up so early?” James countered.

“Sun woke me. Room faces east,” Jimmy shrugged. He looked at his parents. “You’re always awake before dawn,” he said dismissively. “Good morning, Mr. Evans,” he said.

Mr. Evans smiled slightly and James realized he didn’t very much like Jimmy. Immediately, James’s mood brightened and he smiled. Soft footfalls were heard on the stairs and James instinctively turned and saw Lily there in her dressing gown.

“Good morning,” she said politely, before locking her eyes on James’s. “Have a good sleep?”

James felt desire surge through him. She should be wearing more, he thought through the haze of want in his mind.

There was murmur of general assent in the room and everyone bade Lily good morning back, aside from James. Lily sat down in a vacant seat in between Jimmy and James and reached for the tea.

James was too slow. Jimmy got to the tea pot first and poured Lily a cup, then offered her cream and sugar. Lily accepted both and smiled at him before looking forward again.

“How’s school, Lily? Do you go to St. Mary’s as well?” Dr. Burton asked James.

“Yes,” said James.

“School’s fine,” Lily added.

“Good.” Dr. Burton turned to Mr. Evans and began talking to him. Mrs. Evans walked into the kitchen and greeted everyone before setting another pot of tea on the stove. Elenet got up to help her and Lily turned to James.

“You weren’t there when I woke up,” she whispered, accusingly.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered back.

She hesitated and he touched a hand to her shoulder, repeating himself. “I’m sorry.”

She shrugged his hand away and sipped her tea, every so often answering a question posed by one of the surrounding people. There was much talk about visiting the zoo—where they had a large collection of endangered species. The feature this week was tigers. James noticed that Mr. Evans was staring at them and hastily went back to his tea and breakfast, before getting up to get more water. The water had been drawn from the Evanses’ own well.

After the plates had been cleared, Lily excused herself from the table and went upstairs. James waited a moment before following her. Jimmy was engaged in a conversation about his future plans by Mrs. Evans, who winked and James and made a shooing motion towards the stairs with her hand.

He bounded up the stairs and hesitated outside of Lily’s door before opening it and slipping in. He peered around the dark room but saw nobody, then heard the sound of splashing from the adjoining loo. He paused outside the door and looked in.

He could see everything. There were some suds floating at the surface of the water, but he could still see every part of her body, and he ached for her.

Somehow he must have alerted her to his presence, because her eyes opened and she looked at him very calmly. “Would you like to join me?”

Her voice had no inflection; she sounded more dutiful than wanting, and at that, James was terrified. She shouldn’t feel obligated to welcome him into her bed—she had to want it or there was no point to anything. He stepped into the room and kneeled by the side of the bath while her eyes studied him dully.

“They all told me not to expect you to stay,” she remarked listlessly, drawing one knee up and brushing it lightly with her nails. “And I didn’t listen, and here I am.” She laughed coldly. “I gave you—I gave you everything,” she said, her voice dropping. “And you weren’t there.” She turned her eyes to his. “If I can’t hold you for one night—then how...when we…I don’t know.”

James only stared.

“Aren’t you going to say anything? ‘Thanks you for a great shag, Lily, but I’ve got to dash?’ ‘I wish you hadn’t been a virgin so it would’ve been better’—“

“Shut up. I wouldn’t do that and you know it.”

“I don’t know anything about you anymore! I gambled, James, and I lost. I thought you would stay and be there and we’d—“ she broke off and glared at him. “But no. Of course not!”

“I’m in love with you,” he said.

“That doesn’t make up for anything,” she threw back.

“I promised myself I’d never stay with anyone, Lily, but you’re different. I wanted…more. And it scared me so much—“

“What more could you possibly want?” she whispered.

“I want you to trust me,” he said immediately. “I want you to love me.”

“I do,” she burst out, then looked quite shocked with herself.

Warmth flooded every part of James’s body. He forced himself to remain calm. “You…do?”

She didn’t answer. A flush covered her cheeks and she looked down.

“That’s…really great,” he said lamely.

A smile quirked at her lips.

“I mean…really. That’s…good. It’s—it’s nice…”

“Your eloquence is wondrous,” she observed dryly.

“Don’t tease me. I’ve been waiting for this.”

“Me too,” she said a little breathlessly.

“I won’t…I didn’t mean to leave. I should have been there when you woke up. I’m not a tragic little boy when it comes to sleeping with someone—Amy and Maria were different. I haven’t been ruined for life or anything.” He paused. “Lily, say it.”

She didn’t act coy. She met his eyes steadily. “I love you—so much.”

James shut his eyes and she said it again, while he tried to hide his grin.

“All right,” Lily said archly. “Would you like to join me?”

He shook his head. “No. It’s too early. You get out.”

“But the water’s lukewarm, and then when I get out it’ll be really cold.”

“I’ll get a towel,” James offered, getting up and grabbing one from a rack. He held it up as a peace offering.

Lily sighed. “Fine.” She got up and stepped out of the bath, advancing slowly towards James. He wrapped the towel around her and she clutched it to her chest, teeth chattering as she stood before him. A strange looked crossed her face.

“James…did you use magic yesterday?”

“Yesterday when?”

“When...during…you know!”

“I wouldn’t forget,” he told her wryly. “I did.”

“To…take away the pain? Since it was my first time?”

He nodded slowly.

“D’you think…d’you think I could have it back?”

He started. “Have what back?”

“The…feeling. The pain.”

“Right now?”

She nodded. He reached out a hand and slid it in through the towel and rested it on the damp skin of her belly, shutting his eyes. Lily tensed.

“Relax,” he whispered. “Please.” He drew on the little corner of his Empathic magic—which was a brilliant silver color—and reached into the black glittering fire where he kept most of the pain he absorbed. He drew it out—Lily’s pain from the night before—and let it run down his hand and into her belly. She cried out softly and gripped his shoulder. The pain flowed until it disappeared, every ugly, thorny, black speck of it.

“So that’s what it feels like,” she said musingly. She made a face. “Not the most pleasant of experiences.”

“I can imagine so,” James said quietly, and they were silent.

“Thank you…for taking it away. Last night…it made everything better.”

He nodded. “I can…make it better tonight…”

She licked her lips. “How?”

“I can stay this time, for a start,” he answered. “And then I can get rid of that towel.”

“James,” she protested, “it’s not even eight yet.”

“No one needs to know—“

And James quite suddenly remembered what he had promised Mr. Evans. Still, a little snogging wouldn’t hurt anyone, right?

She turned her face up and he kissed her gently, at the same time pulling the towel tighter around her body to make sure it didn’t fall and tempt him. He pushed her backwards until her back was pressed against the tiled wall…

…And kept his promise.

______________________________

April 16, 1978

______________________________

James stretched and yawned widely, rolling over and reaching for Lily. His hands hit empty air and he opened his eyes, disappointed. He looked at clock and saw that it was only half past seven, and he had an hour to get to breakfast.

He rolled over to the side of the bed Lily had slept on and inhaled the scent of her shampoo. She always smelled like something amazing, perhaps cinnamon or nutmeg or something that reminded him vaguely of his mother.

“James? You up, mate?”

James groaned and waved his hand, dispelling the Silencing Charm. Too late, he realized he didn’t have a wand and let out a string of profanity.

“I’m sorry I woke you up, Prongs,” Sirius said sarcastically, “but I just wanted to talk.”

James froze and looked at his hand, then at the curtains around his bed. Had the Charm worn off during the night? Had any of his roommates heard him and Lily? And then, a more disturbing thought occurred to him. Had he just performed wandless magic?

Then Sirius pulled open his curtains and stared down at him, then at the impression on the other side of the bed.

“James…two people slept in this bed last night.”

James colored and pressed his face into the pillow, nodding. He reached for his glasses and pushed them on, and he could make out the expression on Sirius’s face.

“James, you can’t bring Lily in here and shag her while we’re in the room. God—It makes me feel sick to think of her naked—“

“You dated her,” James accused.

“That doesn’t mean I liked it,” Sirius growled. “Lily’s beautiful, sure, but she’s not my type. I always knew she was yours—“

“Don’t be melodramatic—“

“Accept reality, Prongs. Two years from now you and Lily will be married and will have the most explosive relationship on the planet. You see if you don’t!”

“Sirius, shut up,” James said through clenched teeth.

Sirius seemed to get the point. “Fine. But James—keep your romps to the Heads’ rooms, okay?”

James scowled and waved a hand at Sirius, who rolled his eyes and began to walk away. James shot up and looked at him, remembering something he had wanted to ask for a while.

“Padfoot—are you serious about Maria?—and don’t make a single Sirius-serious joke…”

Sirius grinned but shifted from foot to foot in his place. “I don’t know. She’s…different from any other girl.”

James snorted. Sirius shot him a look. “I don’t like castoffs,” Sirius added quietly. “Maria liked you for a long time—and I’ve fancied her for ages. I don’t…really know if we’ll be together a year from now, and I do doubt it, but we’re just…living for the moment. Seeing where it takes us.”

Sirius looked uncomfortable but James had to press. Adding a little magic to his words, he asked, “But if…one of us decided to date her…if you were to break up,” he added hastily, “…would you get angry?”

Sirius frowned. “I can’t answer that. Why?”

“No reason,” James said, but Sirius didn’t accept it. He turned anyway and began to dress for breakfast, throwing pillows at both Remus and Peter to wake them up.

Maria hoped no one would notice her increased breathing.

She turned to the side and struck up a conversation with Peter. Sirius was on her other side, talking to Remus. Thankfully, no one had noticed that Sirius’s hand was inside Maria’s skirt.

She laughed at something Peter said and caught Sirius’s eye. He grinned slowly, his teeth revealed one-by-one. She smiled back and grabbed his wrist, pulling his hand away and shaking her head. Sirius frowned, and then she jerked her head to the doors. Sirius grinned again and got up to follow her, just as Lily got up. She squeezed James’s hand and then began walking into the Entrance Hall. Maria hastened her steps to lose Evans and pulled Sirius into the nearest broom cupboard.

He kissed her, almost violently. Her back was pressed hard against the wall and she immediately removed her skirt and gasped, pressing closer and he slid off her knickers.

“I’m been waiting for this all morning,” she said, in between shallow kisses.

Sirius laughed hoarsely. “You’ve been waiting? You don’t get hard-ons, m’dear.”

Maria kissed his again and felt his free hand slide up under her shirt, and she wriggled under him and sighed with pleasure. Sirius threw off his robes and then his shirt and her hands immediately went to the button on his trousers.

“You know what? James asked me what I would do if we broke up and one of my friends started dating you.”

Maria collapsed against the wall and frowned. Firstly, Sirius said the most random things at the worst possible time, and he did it often. Yet this seemed to really bother him…this suggestion that she would date a Marauder. Secondly, there was some truth to the statement. Maria used to be able to envision herself with both James and Sirius, but now that James was taken…it was a choice between Remus and Sirius, and she could see herself with both of them.

“Does that…bother you?” she asked out loud.

Sirius continued with both his right and left hand activities, leaving Maria breathless. This was another thing she hated—Sirius could shag while he was off thinking about what he was going to eat for lunch. His detachment irked her, for when she shagged someone, she gave it her all. He could touch her and give her a knee-shaking release, but it was incomplete because he didn’t seem to really want to do it for her.

“Not particularly,” he said, sliding his hand out from under her shirt and beginning to unbutton her shirt, one-handed. Giving in, Maria helped him and dropped her shirt on the floor. Sirius undid her bra and threw it to the side, where it stayed on a broom handle. He caressed her absently; his eyes on her face, and continued their conversation. “I suppose it does,” he admitted then. “If Peter…or Remus.” He laughed shortly, as if the idea of her with Remus was absurd. “Remus wouldn’t date you because you aren’t his type. So was James referring to himself? And if he was—but it doesn’t fit, because he’s gone over completely for Lily. He’s mad for her.”

“What do you mean, ‘I’m not Remus’s type’?” Maria asked angrily, as he pushed his trousers down over his hips and followed them with his boxers. In all truth, she considered Remus her friend. He had always respected her and had never responded to her many advances, which sometimes still made her cheeks burn in shame. And since she had begun dating Sirius—knowing his friends came with the territory, she had really begun to see that Remus was a good person.

Sirius laughed. “Maria—don’t get mad. You know it’s the truth.”

“No, I don’t,” she protested, but she let him steady himself against her. There was no use trying to stop him; it would relax her anyhow.

“Remus is stable—very stable. He likes to talk. You know what—I don’t know if he’s shagged anyone yet, since Sunny. Remus is not your type.”

Maria frowned, but then he pushed up and, her eyes half-closed with pleasure, she gave up completely and let Sirius take over.

He was overwhelming; she thought as he kissed her neck. Sirius’s sheer magnetism, his childishness, his warmth—it drew her in, but aspects of his personality repelled her—but she kept coming back to him because in the end, he was just like her, and they understood each other better than anyone else ever could.

Remus frowned and very slowly extracted the book from the shelf, taking special care not to wake it. He had acquired special permission to look in the Restricted Section and was using his allotted time to search for something about Slytherin’s room. Every so often one of them would come down and look for information. Between them, they had searched half the Restricted Section already.

A sound behind him made him jump. He whirled, wand out, and saw Maria.

“You scared me,” he whispered accusingly.

She smiled and shrugged. “Sorry. What are you doing?”

Remus hesitated but then explained to her about the rooms, and she nodded. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“Looking up information for Boot. End of year project is starting.”

Remus nodded knowingly. “Ah. It’s a nightmare. Get as much work done now and choose a potion or you’ll never finish in time. Sunny didn’t finish and she—“

Remus broke off and paused, feeling a little lost. Had he forgotten about Sunny so quickly? His feelings for Maria were strong—but should he follow up on them at the price of being on the rebound? He would end up hurting them both.

“It’s okay to be happy, you know,” Maria said softly, looking at him carefully.

“I know,” Remus said quietly.

Maria shook her head. “You don’t, Remus. You’re angry you’re forgetting her—are you thinking of someone else?”

Remus didn’t take his eyes off the books. He just shrugged. Was it possible that she knew? How much did she know behind that pretty face?

“You won’t forget,” Maria continued. “You’ll learn to love someone else…and you’ll be happy again. Young love rarely lasts anyway.”

Remus looked at her sharply. “Shut up. We would have…we promised we would…we would always be friends!” he burst out.

Maria nodded, very slowly. “But you wouldn’t always have that passion. You were so perfect for each other—but it would have fizzled out—“

“Maria, shut up,” he bit out.

She continued as if she hadn’t heard him. “—eventually. You wouldn’t always be in love, not like James and Lily. They’ll always be together. Forever.”

“Always isn’t forever,” Remus said, breathing harshly.

“I know—“

“You don’t know anything!” he said hotly. “You don’t know anything about me or Sunny or what we were like together…and you have no right to tell me we wouldn’t always be in love—I know it’s true but let me delude myself in peace—so I can stop myself from thinking about--“

And in that instantaneous moment her eyes flashed, perhaps with desire or fury or understanding, and Remus kissed her quickly. She felt shocked; it radiated from her body. He broke the kiss when reason returned to his mind, just as she began to respond, and they stared at each other in silence.

Maria cleared her throat. “Er…”

“I’m sorry,” Remus said ashamedly, though secretly he was not. “Sirius…”

Maria started, as if just thinking about him. “Right. Didn’t happen, right?”

“Of course. Didn’t mean anything anyway.”

Maria frowned. “You know, I really should go. I think Lily has a book I can borrow.”

Remus grinned. “You’ll borrow from her but not from me? I’m hurt.”

She looked relieved and sent him a grateful smile. “You’re very good at this, Remus. Pretending things haven’t happened.”

Remus paused, thinking again of Sunny. “Yes, I am.”

“Remus…I think you’re one of my best friends.”

He nodded. “And you’re one of mine.”

She gave a little bow and backed away. “Remus—look in Hogwarts: A History.”

She turned, and then she was gone. Her scent hung heavy in the air, and Remus knew that something had clicked. Something had changed—something had changed with her harsh words about Sunny and with that kiss. The issue wasn’t resolved, and Remus knew it wouldn’t be for some time.

Remus strode quickly to where they kept the many copies of Hogwarts: A History, and pulled one out. He flipped through the pages, looking for the section on Salazar.

It was ingenious, really. They had been searching the Restricted Section for years, while the information was in this book.

He found the passage and read it quickly, a slow grin spreading over his face. In a rather uncharacteristic motion, he pumped his fist in the air and winced. It was the night of the full moon, and he was rather sore.

“Thank you, Maria,” he said to the empty room.

Peter frowned and looked around the dungeon, taking up a cloth and beginning to wipe down the many stained tables. Sirius was scouring cauldrons and Lily was helping him. James was scrubbing the floor.

“Maria and Remus should have gotten detention too,” Sirius grumbled. They had been caught by Professor Boot leaving the kitchens, but Maria had gotten barraged by house elves and Remus had been getting more puddings. Boot hadn’t seen them, so they hadn’t been served with detention.

Peter narrowed his eyes and looked at Sirius. He was a shrewd person—he had instantly noticed the fission between Remus and Maria, that connection so few people had. James and Lily had it, but Sirius and Maria—what a pair. They didn’t need each other. They both needed their polar opposites—and they had chosen each other. Peter was quite sure Sirius knew something was happening between Remus and Maria, especially since they had continued to grow closer over the past two months.

“You do realize that we’re locked in here and it’s the full moon,” Peter remarked.

James frowned. “I’d forgotten.”

Sirius nodded. “Me too.”

Lily shrugged. “I can’t help anyway.”

Peter sighed. “Just hope Remus doesn’t hurt himself.”

Sirius and James exchanged a look and Peter rolled his eyes. They though they were so secretive—he knew more than half their secrets.

“He won’t,” Lily said, looking carefully at James. “He won’t.”

James gave her a grateful smile and touched her cheek, seemingly forgetting the other people in the room for a moment. He went back to scrubbing and Lily continued to help Sirius, no trace of embarrassment on her face.

Realization slammed into Peter like a freight truck. They’ve slept together!

They were so sure of themselves—so open to intimate touches in public—Peter cursed himself for not seeing it before.

Peter rubbed furiously at an ugly red stain and the detention passed much like that, with Sirius, James, and Lily laughing occasionally. Peter glared at Lily, who had so effortlessly slipped into their lives and melded the threads of their existence into hers, so tightly connected that they could never be separated again.

Finally, sometime past midnight, the room was sufficiently clean and the door unlocked.

They went up to their tower, Peter trailing behind the trio. Lily fell back after a moment.

“How are you, Peter?” she asked quietly.

“I’m fine,” he said stiffly. How dare she? She’s slept with James and it’s only been months. How dare she be so…so—

“D’you think…d’you think we’re friends?” Lily asked suddenly. Peter paused and looked at her thoughtfully.

“I don’t believe so, Lily,” he said politely.

Lily frowned. “I’d like to be your friend.”

Fat chance, Peter thought, but he smiled and held out a hand. “All right then.”

She shook his hand without a moment’s hesitation and made no face at all when she felt his clammy skin against her own warm and dry skin.

Despite himself, Peter let himself be lulled into a peaceful state by Lily’s soft chatter. They reached the portrait hole at a quarter past midnight and James yawned, stretching his arms over his head. “What’s the password?” he asked through his yawn.

“Mango Paradise,” Peter said, and the Fat Lady opened without a word.

The common room was dim, but Peter could still make out the shape of a person slumped over in the armchair by the fire. He crossed the room and stopped, unsure of what to do. Maria sat in the chair, charcoal spread out on the table next to her, a few sheets of parchment scattered around.

He picked up one and raised an eyebrow. It was he himself, and the next was James, and the next was Lily. He hesitated while before looking at the last ones. There was a perfect likeness of Sirius, and then another of James and Lily together. All bore Maria’s signature, which he supposed meant they were completed.

He heard footsteps coming closer and he scattered the papers about. He spotted a roll of parchment on the floor and bent to pick it up when Sirius drew level with him and shook Maria awake. Peter stood upright and stepped aside to let Sirius guide Maria up the girls’ stairs.

“Could you pick up her homework?” Sirius said carelessly over his shoulder, and Peter scowled. Lily came forward and gathered Maria’s papers, glancing at them with interest.

“I didn’t know she could draw.”

“She’s very proud of it,” said James. “Never mentions it, though.”

Awkward silence fell and Peter realized they were waiting for him to go upstairs. He swooped down and grabbed Maria’s last drawing, racing up the stairs and shutting his dormitory door with a slam.

It was indecent, really, the way people looked at each other in this school.

James had only to walk into a room Lily was in and their eyes would meet—the passion flew between them and they would slowly circle the room, always ending up next to each other. You just knew they wanted to jump each other and kiss one another senseless. The same happened with Maria and Remus, though they tried to prevent it.

Peter looked down at the parchment in his hands and frowned. It was different from the others—it was only half done and hadn’t been signed, but it was ten times deeper. She had worked especially hard on this picture of Remus, harder than she had on any of the others.

Peter wasn’t stupid. He knew what this meant—trouble ahead for Sirius, Remus, and Maria.

___________________________

April 17, 1978

___________________________

Sirius woke then next morning and let out a grunt of pain when he felt the soreness in his arms. Scouring cauldrons for three hours was hard work.

In seven years, they had only had detention twice on the full moon—once because they were ignorant about Remus, and now the previous night.

Sirius frowned as he thought about Remus, worriment surfacing in his brain. Had Remus been all right alone last night? It had been so long since they hadn’t been together, running freely through the dark village.

He stretched his aching arms and got out of bed, glancing at the clock. He rubbed his eyes and sighed, before falling off the edge of the bed when someone knocked sharply on the door.

It was open before he had a chance to call for the person to come in and he yelped, drawing the sheets down around his naked body to shield himself from Lily’s view. She looked frantic, her hair mussed and her eyes bright with tears.

“Wake up!” she called loudly. “Wake up!” She ran over to James’s bed and pulled off the sheets, shaking his shoulder roughly until he sat up and looked around blearily.

“Wassamatter?”

She went to Peter next and shook him until he awoke. “Remus is in the hospital wing—will you get your lazy arses out of bed?”

James and Peter shot out of their beds and hastily began pulling clothes on, stumbling around and stubbing their toes. Sirius pulled on a pair of boxers while Lily’s back was turned and donned his clothes from the night before, blindly fastening his robes over the garments.

Lily took James’s hand and led him down the stairs at a run. Sirius and Peter followed, but Peter broke away at the foot of the stairs and went to the girls’ stairs, kicking the brick three times so hard he hopped around in pain before bounding up the stairs as fast as his short legs could take him. Sirius paused but Lily and James continued on.

Peter came down two minutes later with a very disheveled and delicious looking Maria. Sirius’s thought were on Remus, not on sex, but he walked quickly with his friend and girlfriend down to the hospital wing.

They burst through the door and were immediately assailed by Poppy Gauche. “Slow down!” she hissed. “Patients are sleeping!”

James waved them over and they pushed past Poppy and all but ran over to the bed he and Lily were standing over. Remus lay pale in the bed, his arms covered in angry red scars that looked painful and with dark shadows under his eyes. He looked dead, and Sirius would have thought he was if his chest hadn’t been moving rhythmically up and down.

“What happened?” Sirius asked in a low voice.

“He went wild—we weren’t—“

“You weren’t what, Potter?” asked McGonagall sharply from a corner of the room. She turned to Lily. “When I said to inform his friends, Miss Evans, I did not mean for you to bring a collection of rowdy boys down here.” She glanced at Maria. “And Miss Danes, of course.”

“I wasn’t thinking,” Lily said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

McGonagall sighed. “It’s quite all right. Now—I’ll explain…do you all know where Remus was last night?”

Sirius nodded along with everyone else.

“For some reason—Remus was very wild last night. He has caused acute damage to his own body—he has bit himself several times and has scratched his arms and belly beyond any immediate cure. He will be fine—it will just take a while considering the magnitude of his wounds. Do you all understand?”

“Yes,” Sirius muttered.

“Good,” said McGonagall shortly. “Now-don’t bother him because he can’t hear you. You can come back tonight. Now shoo.”

They left in a daze. Their classes inched by like molasses, and it was full day so they couldn’t take time off to visit Remus and check on him. Finally after dinner, Sirius went to his detention, cursing himself for getting two nights in a row for snapping at Boot earlier. James, Lily, and Peter went to visit Remus and Maria walked with him to his detention.

“When will you be done?” she asked quietly.

Sirius shrugged. “Dunno. It starts early so I say around nine or so. Why?”

“Will you come with me to see Remus?”

Sirius glanced at her. “Aren’t you going to see him now?”

Maria jerked her head to the side once.

“Maria—are you crying?”

She shook her head fiercely.

“Maria! Why are you crying?”

She shook her head again.

“Maria—Remus is going to fine! Back in first year before we found out—he was always in the hospital wing and he was always fine. We got used to it and then we knew why—and in fifth year we could stay with him…but it was just a shock. Now, I mean. We haven’t seen him like this is so long but it isn’t a big deal. He’ll be fine—“

“I know—I just…can’t stop crying. I don’t even know why, Sirius! I understand that he’ll be fine but I sort of had a fight with him yesterday and we didn’t really patch things up—and I was just thinking…I’m not used to having him hurt himself—and it scares me so much…”

Sirius stopped and grabbed her shoulders, pulling her forward and catching her lips with his. She relaxed into the kiss instantly and broke away only a moment later, her lips red. She rested her forehead against his shoulder and breathed in deeply. “Sirius—you’re so good to me.”

He settled his arms around her waist and couldn’t put his finger on why she felt so different.

“I’ll go see Remus,” said Maria, drawing away. You’re going to be late. Go on.”

Sirius kissed her goodbye and watched the way she walked away—she was different today. The flirtatious sway of her hips—it was gone, as was the deep opened necked shirt she normally wore. He frowned, and then the door to Boot’s office opened and he called him inside.

Sirius spent four hours scouring cauldrons and he was finished at ten—he had been given an extra hour for being late. He left Boot’s office with a flippant wave and walked slowly to the hospital wing.

He opened the door very slowly and winced when it creaked once. He stayed still and looked around the darkened ward, making sure no one had heard. He crossed behind the screens very quietly and stopped outside of Remus’s.

He stopped short and stared.

Remus was awake, all right.

Sirius really should have known. He should have known that keeping Maria would be hard. He should have known it would never work, not when they were so alike. He should have realized that Maria needed a degree of respect Sirius couldn’t give—a degree of respect that only Remus had given her, ever.

And as Sirius watched his best friend stroke Sirius’s girlfriend’s dark hair as she lay asleep in the chair by Remus’s bed, half sprawled over his lap, he came to the most unselfish decision he had ever made.

He was going to give up something that he actually wanted to keep, and let his best friend take her and love her as Remus so desperately wanted to—needed to.

Sirius wasn’t the type to fall in love. He had tried with Ana—with Lily—with Maria, but somehow he just wasn’t meant to have that kind of love. He had been falling in love with Maria; he cared for her a great deal. He loved her just enough—to let her go.

As he stepped back he caught Remus’s attention and the other boy—no, man!—looked up. His hand stilled and he looked threatened.

“Sirius,” he began in a low tone, “nothing happened. I swear—“

“I believe you,” Sirius heard himself say. “It’s okay.”

Remus nodded. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.

Sirius nodded back. “I understand.”

Remus looked down. “You can’t break up with Maria,” he said, very slowly.

Sirius waited.

“She really…wants to be with you. She loves you—just not the way Lily loves James. She loves you for the moment—not forever. And you should care for her until it ends because you both want it to. She doesn’t want to break up with you—“

“Remus,” Sirius interrupted. “It doesn’t look that way to me.” He motioned to Maria’s sleeping form. “She looks pretty…comfortable.” Then he winced, hoping his bitterness hadn’t leaked through.

Remus actually flushed. “Sirius….”

“Remus—you need this. You’ve found someone once, then twice. What are the chances of you loving someone again?”

“I’m definitely not in love with Maria,” Remus said. “I don’t know her that well.”

“I’m not that in love with her either,” Sirius said. “And I won’t be. But it a year or two—you will be, and you can help her to learn how to really love someone.”

Remus looked down at her hair. “I hope so,” he said.

Maria stirred and Remus froze, as did Sirius. She sat up and looked around groggily. “Sirius?” she asked in a confused tone. “…Remus?”

Sirius backed away. “Don’t be out too late, Maria,” he said quietly, leaving the ward before Poppy or Madame Gauche found him.

He felt the heaviness of his heart beating against his chest and he frowned. Maria had been on the forefront of his mind since the beginning of the year, and he didn’t know what exactly to do now that he had made his decision.

Some things just weren’t meant to be, and he just had to keep in mind that Remus and Maria would be much happier together.

22. Chapter Twenty: Doomed

I own nothing.

Chapter 20: Doomed

[Flying at Tree Level, by Brand New]

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May 13, 1978

______________________________

The arrival of May brought along change. Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup against Ravenclaw on the thirteenth day of May, Friday the thirteenth. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter royally pranked the Slytherins as a victory show, even though they had played Ravenclaw. It was the only excuse they could come up with.

Remus and Maria avoided each other, although Lily was not sure why. Something had happened—Maria and Sirius weren’t going out anymore. Lily quite suspected it had something to do with Remus but she couldn’t be sure, although she had learned early on to follow her instincts.

There was an explosive party in the Gryffindor common room after they won the Cup and Lily herself talked McGonagall into letting it continue. She sat in a corner and studied for her N.E.W.Ts as the party raged around her, and she looked up every so often to make sure nothing too rowdy was happening.

At one point James grabbed Lily’s arms and pulled her into the middle of the room, into the thick of the dancing couples. They swayed from side to side during one song and then Lily begged off, leaving to study her Transfiguration.

She stayed absorbed in her texts until the party finished and James told her firmly to go upstairs and sleep. After an argument that ended with them snogging against a wall, Lily went to bed.

She felt James slip into her bed sometime in the middle of the night, just as she was falling into her slumber. Feeling quite cross, she began pulling at the hem of her nightshirt.

“I’m too tired,” James said through a yawn, hooking an arm around her waist and pulling her flush against his body. Lily pressed her face into his chest and reveled in the feel of him—his irresistibility and his strange magnetism—his strange ability to surprise her with everything he did—and didn’t—do.

“I love you,” she said, and he hugged her tighter.

Something awoke her later, at almost half-past three. She looked around the room and only heard the sounds of James’s and Clara’s breathing. She slid out of James’s arm and slipped out of the curtains, knowing that she wouldn’t get back to sleep. She took one of the books she had taken from the library off the table and went down to the common room.

Her lessons with Patel had all but ceased. Patel had taught Lily everything she knew in the past few months, and now Lily only went for periodic lessons to show Patel that she was progressing. Lily knew the same went for James, and was itching to know just what he was learning.

True to her nature, Lily was looking for a way for James to blockade his feelings, something he had trouble doing without holding back too much. There was really no middle ground for him. He either let it all out or blocked it all in. He needed to find a way to use both skills.

Lily cracked open her book and began to read where she had left off.

Many Empaths have all the Empathic magics, but the most common combinations are plain Empathy, along with Linking and Amoratical magic. Traces of Inspiration are found in most Empaths. It is very rare to come across a powerful Empath who doesn’t have these three powers…

Lily stopped reading and frowned. James wasn’t an Amoris. If he was an Amoris, he could have been able to resist Maria. Lily shook her head and shut the book, staring into the dancing flames. James…an Amoris. She would kill him if he hadn’t told her.

Then again, it seemed that the strangest things happened to Lily and James, so maybe it wasn’t unusual for him to be the odd one out, the one without Amoratical magic.

“Yes, that’s it,” Lily spoke aloud, but the words sounded hollow to her own ears.

______________________________

May 18, 1978

______________________________

Maria Danes slammed her pile of books down on the common room table and dropped into the chair beside Lily with a long-suffering sigh.

“Hello, Maria,” Lily said amusedly. “Are you all right?”

Maria shook her head. “No. Boot’s going to kill me with all this work!”

Lily smiled. “Sixth year Potions final. I remember…I did an advanced study on Protective Potions. What’re you doing?”

Maria hesitated. “I’m…I’m actually researching a potion that hasn’t been created yet.”

Lily straightened in her chair. “Really? What’s it do?”

“It’s…something I’m working on,” Maria said evasively. “I think I’m going to ask for Snape’s help.”

Lily did a double-take. “Really?” Snape was the last person she would go to.

“Yes. I’m not sure what ingredients I’ll need. I have an idea though, and they’ll be hard to get. I figure he’ll know where I can get them.”

Lily shrugged. “As long as I don’t have to talk to him.”

“No one asked you to,” Maria snapped.

Lily stared at her. Maria flushed.

“I’m sorry. I’m a little…stressed. I’m really stressed, actually.”

“Why so?” asked Lily, putting down her quill on top of her notes.

“Sirius,” Maria answered. “And…Remus.”

“Remus?” Lily asked innocently, although she knew that something was happening between the two of them.

Maria looked at her sharply. “Yes, Remus. It’s been a month since Sirius…stopped dating me.” She made a face. “More like: He talked quietly, I yelled, he yelled, I cried, now he won’t talk to either me or Remus and it’s stupid because really, Remus is one of his best friends and they shouldn’t be fighting over me, right? But they are and I—“

“Maria. Calm down.”

Maria took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. Ever since…my parents…” She stopped and shut her eyes, then forced them open. “Ever since my parents died,” she continued steadily, “I tend to ramble. I’m not…as controlled anymore.”

“I think you’ll get better after a time,” Lily said wisely. She sighed. “Once when I was out in the woods with my father—it was my birthday…the winter solstice, you know? And it was snowing just a little and the sky was really clear and it was a new moon…and I just…I was only ten or so and I asked him what happened when people died. The old lady down the street who always yelled at me had died the other day and I wanted to know where she went.”

She paused. Maria looked at her expectantly. “What did he say?”

“He told me that when a person dies they become a star,” Lily whispered, looking at her hands, “and that I shouldn’t hate Old Lady Dower because she no longer knew how to hate—when you become a star all you know is complete happiness…oh, I’m such a daddy’s girl!” Lily exclaimed with a smile.

Maria nodded. “I am too. I mean I was. I just—love my father so much. Even though he’s gone…I still love him. And my mother. I’d rather have them as parents for only a year than have anyone else for fifty.”

Lily smiled. “I think I know what you mean.”

Maria sighed. “Anyway,” she said. “What were we talking about before?”

“Sirius and Remus.”

“Ah. Yes,” Maria said. She shook her head. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want this drama. I just want to run away.”

Lily put a hand on her arm. “If you do that,” she said urgently, “you’ll destroy Remus. And soon enough, you’ll destroy Sirius.”

Maria smiled thinly. “I wasn’t serious. I’ve still got a year of school left.”

“Maria…” Lily started, looking down blankly at her highlighted Transfiguration notes. “I think I’ve got some advice that’ll help you.”

“Please tell me,” Maria said immediately, scooting her chair closer.

“It’s like this,” Lily said. “I dated Sirius, all right? You know that. And I’m going to tell you that the only reason he dated me was because he and the rest of the boys had a bet going on. And—he’s really not that bad…he does commit to relationships…and he cares about his friends more than anything.

“It wasn’t hard for him to give me up to James because he always thought we would end up together, whether that’s true or not. It’s harder for him with you because he really wants you, but he knows in the long run—Remus and you will be better together.

“I didn’t want to cause any problems between the Marauders and I didn’t want any drama—but it happened. And if I had avoided the drama and stayed with Sirius—or just stayed away altogether after I broke up with Sirius, then I wouldn’t be dating James. He’s…intense, you know? He loves life so much…so much more than I did. And he’s sort of teaching me to be like him, even though he doesn’t know it. I love James…and if I had passed up the chance to be with him? Well, I don’t think I’d have a very happy existence. Sometimes getting through the obstacles and the drama is worth it. It’s worth it so terribly much. When you’re around that person…things just change and nothing matters. Nothing at all because…just because.

“Think about Remus and how much he means to you. And if you don’t want Remus think about Sirius, because it’s never too late to get him back. Never, not with the way he likes you. But if you want Remus—if you think you can’t be happy without him, find a way to be with him while circumstances permit it. He’s leaving soon, Maria. We’ve only got months in this place before we grow up, and then you’re here without us.

“So choose wisely. If you want time alone, tell them that so they don’t think you’re stringing them along. But at the same time, be aware that their friendship will weather a lot of change, but some things are too destructive, too damaging, to prevent.”

Maria stared at her, wide eyed. “That,” she said with conviction, “was the best piece of advice I’ve ever gotten. Thank you, Lily. And I’m very sorry for snapping at you.” Maria leaned forward and hugged Lily, then gathered her books and left before the redhead could say a word.

__________________________________

May 22, 1978

__________________________________

Go on. Ask him. See what he says. You’ll know if he’s lying.

Lily looked up from the glittering blue waters of the lake and up at James profile. She looked down at her hand tucked in his, their fingers interlaced so complexly it would be impossible to separate them.

She sighed and looked back down at the water, slowing her steps to match his lazy—almost lethargic—walk.

“Are you all right?” she finally asked.

James nodded. “Yeah. I’m just tired. I had a really draining session with Patel last night. She reckons I’m almost done with everything she can teach me. You know, the basics, since she’s only here for a year. She says I need to learn the more complex uses by myself.”

Was this a sign from God, Lily wondered? From Merlin, perhaps?

And quite suddenly, she felt something shift. Everything was clearer, the sun seemed brighter. It was as if something had been removed from her vision.

“What did you do?” she asked lightly.

“Some Linking exercises—she taught me how to use my Empathy to heal links between people, to clean up misunderstandings. They look like huge clouds—the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. And after that—“ he cut himself off and darted a glance at her, and Lily’s heart sank. He was going to lie to her. “After that I worked with auras. Animal auras, actually, since she wouldn’t let me work on her. She said I could do human auras later on.”

“And that’s why you’re so tired?” Lily asked wearily.

James nodded. “Yea.”

Lily sighed and glanced at him, then reached deep inside to her magic. She had never look at his soul before, purely because she thought it wrong. Now, however, she had to know.

Her magic was a bright golden color, hovering in a tiny ball within her very body. She drew on some of it with her eyes shut, and then opened them, turning her eyes to James.

His soul was amazing. It was the most amazing thing she had ever seen. It was the most beautiful mixture of color, all bright and vibrant and full of life. She pushed past the outer colors of his soul and stopped when she reached his magic. The Empathy was the yellow, she knew. It blended into a beautiful swirling mass of magic with the Linking, which was silver. Small bits of blue lingered within the fire.

And there, slightly off to the side, was a large mass of cobalt blue magic, cool and soothing and ultimately what she dreaded. It was Amoratical.

She withdrew and stumbled away from him, dropping his hand. He stopped walking and stared at her from underneath hooded eyes, his mouth opening to let out a weary sigh.

“So now you know,” he whispered.

Lily pressed her hands over her mouth and shook her head.

“You do,” he continued. “You know that I’ve got Amoratical magic.”

“You’ve got love magic,” she rejoined, wiping the corners of her eyes. “You’ve got love magic.” She closed her eyes. “How does it work?”

“It’s not active unless I call on it. Sometimes I use it unconsciously when I really need it.”

Lily mouthed soundlessly at him. “Unconsciously?”

James shrugged. “So? Is this because I didn’t tell you? It was hard to keep a secret from you but I only found out in February.”

“It’s not about the secret,” she said quietly.

“Then why are you so shocked?” he asked angrily. “Why does it matter?”

“Because I slept with you,” she spat at him.

James faltered. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well how do I know whether you used it to get me to sleep with you?”

James’s jaw dropped. “You think I’d do that?” he asked.

“Unconsciously?” Lily cried, “Yes!”

“Lily—“

“No! I used to—I used to hate you! How do you know that I don’t love you now because you made me?”

James opened his mouth to reply and then shut it. He gaped.

“You don’t have an answer,” Lily whispered. “Oh, god, you don’t know either!”

“Lily,” James said, taking her hands, “why are you doing this? Things are wonderful—we’ve only got a month left! Why do you have to question this?”

“Because! I don’t know whether I went through all that heartache and all that bloody drama because I really loved you or because you used your magic!”

“Lily!” James said loudly. “Don’t—“

“I’m throwing the towel in James. We’re through. This is it.”

“Lily—“

“Don’t you realize, James? We’ve been avoiding this for so long—if you can’t tell me this and you don’t even know if I’m really in love with you—then I don’t—“ She looked to the side and breathed deeply, choking on the lump in her throat. Her eyes burned and she clenched her fists hard, her nails digging into her palms. She swallowed hard and looked at him, standing there, so confused, so clueless. He really didn’t understand.

And before she could change her mind she pushed him hard and fled. She heard the loud splash as his tall body fell into the lake, and pushed past dozens of curious students until she made it to her room and flung herself on her bed, crying herself to sleep.

“Lily? Lily, will you at least come out and talk to me?”

“Go away,” she mumbled.

“Lily, let me in! Take off the charm!”

“Go away,” she said louder.

“Lily?” asked a new voice. “James, get out of the way. Effregio!”

“Lily—“

“James, stay out.”

“Fine,” he snapped.

The door shut and Lily wiped her eyes, refusing to look up.

“Lily? What happened?”

“I broke up with him.”

Maria was silent. “Really?”

Lily nodded, sniffling. “Yes.”

“Well, then you’re a bloody fool.”

Lily sat up and grabbed a tissue, blowing her nose. “Pardon?”

“So all that stuff you said to me—it was all bull?”

Lily shook her head. “No! I—“

“So then what does that make you, Lily? A bleeding hypocrite?”

“No! I meant all of it—“

“Then why the hell are you being such an idiot?”

“I…” Lily said softly, staring into space, “I don’t know.”

“You’re the stupidest person I’ve ever met. You had James Potter and you just—gave him up. Like a broken toy you don’t want anymore!”

“I still want him,” Lily whispered, “but I can’t have him.” She hugged herself, not understanding what had happened. She had been angry as hell—now she felt cold, so cold and empty.

“Lily, you said nothing should get in the way. You said you have to try to get over obstacles—“

“This isn’t an obstacle. It can’t be removed. It’s permanent.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well didn’t James tell you?”

“No. He just came in—wet, may I add—and angry enough to spit fire. He said you’d lost your mind—you’d gone mad—“

“Did he, now?” Lily breathed, her hands clenching the pillow. “Mad, am I?”

“Lily—“

“He’s an Amoris!” Lily burst out. “And he didn’t tell me!”

Maria looked away.

“You knew! Maria—you knew he was an Amoris and you didn’t tell me.”

“Well—I didn’t think it was important.”

“You didn’t think it was important?” Lily hissed, standing up.

Maria lifted her chin. “No, I didn’t.”

“Maria—“ Lily paused. “I love him. But if he uses his magic unconsciously, then how do I know I really love him?”

Maria was silent.

“You don’t know, do you? Neither do I. He doesn’t either. No one knows the truth.”

“Can’t you just talk to him? He’s furious with you.”

“He doesn’t have a right to be,” Lily said archly.

“Oh, yes he does,” Maria snapped. “You’re being stupid. You’re trying to create this stupid drama.”

“I am not!”

“Yeah. You just won’t admit it.”

“Get out!” Lilly yelled. “Now!”

Maria sighed and left, slamming the door so hard the walls shook. Lily threw her hairbrush from her night table and it hit the door, making a dent that immediately disappeared.

He slipped into her bed later that night.

“I love you,” he said immediately.

“I don’t care,” she whispered, turning her back to him.

He slid an arm around her waist and she seized up, writhing out of his grasp. “Stop,” she said softly, glancing at the curtains to make sure Clara wasn’t awake. There was no sound.

“Lily. I—“

“I don’t want to hear it,” she muttered, kicking back with her leg and hitting his shin.

James hissed and grabbed his leg. “Lily!”

“You deserved it,” she said back.

“So this is how it ends?”

Lily gave an awkward shrug, hard to do since she was lying on her side.

“Everything we fucking had. You’re just throwing it away?”

She didn’t say anything.

“Fine,” he said coldly. “Give it all up. Don’t come running back to me, Lily. We’ve had nothing but trouble—and you obviously don’t care about all the good experiences either, do you?” He rolled off the bed and batted aside the curtains. He shut the door quietly behind him with a final click.

______________________________

May 24, 1978

______________________________

James punched his pillow and looked at his desk again.

The letter just sat there.

He sighed and got up, looking out the window at Hogsmeade. The sun was just rising and an eerie, dim light shone over everything. The tops of the trees swayed and the air in his dormitory hung heavy despite numerous Cooling Charms.

He bet Lily was just fine since she could do any charm she wanted whenever she wanted. Bloody smart girl…

James groaned and snatched the letter of his table, looking around his Head Bedroom for a place to stash it so he could finally sleep. He snorted. It wasn’t as if he had been sleeping for the past two days, ever since Lily—

Stop it, he told himself firmly. It would all work itself out in time.

He clenched his fist and the sound of crumpling paper broke the silence of the room. He looked down and opened his fist, staring at the thick parchment in his hand. He lifted it so he could see it closer, his eyes traveling over the words, etched so scratchily in red ink…

The letter scared him.

He wasn’t supposed to get offers to go into training for the most secretive organization in the world—an Italian Order made up of only men of Italian ancestry who had shown promise—promise of strength for fighting off evil.

James drew in a deep breath and threw the letter to the side. It bounced off his desk and into his rubbish bin. He wasn’t going to Italy, and that was that.

How could he? His entire life was in England. His friends, his lover—

Not anymore.

James kicked his mattress and frowned. If Lily wanted to be stupid, that was her problem, right? She would come to her senses, and then he could forget about the letter that was singing to him from its place amongst the rubbish.

Or else he’d never get any sleep. James decided he wouldn’t anyway and sat down in his desk chair with a sigh, putting his head down in his arms.

For the first time in his life, James’s confidence was entirely gone. Losing Lily—he couldn’t go through something like that and come out of it intact. He would fall apart; rip at the seams—because he didn’t know what to do. She ignored him. It hurt worse than her insults—hate he could handle, indifference he could not.

He should have told her. He should have told her as soon as Patel told him.

And why hadn’t Patel told him sooner? There was something incredibly strange about that woman. There was something about her that didn’t sit well with James, and he was going to find out what it was sooner or later.

He glanced at his clock and realized with a jolt that it was only eleven. Decisively, he pulled his robes on over his pajamas and left his bedroom, heading for the staff wing.

He had been given the password to the staff wing at the beginning of the year, along with Li—

James cut off that train of thought and faced the portrait of the stunning wood nymph. She opened on eye and yawned.

“What do you need, Mr. Potter?” she asked sweetly.

“Is Professor Patel in?” he asked politely.

“She is. Is there something else you want to know?”

“Devil’s Snare,” he said, and she swung aside reluctantly.

“Don’t spend too much time with that pretty professor!” she called after him.

James rolled his eyes and tapped on Patel’s door. It swung open a moment later to reveal Patel, her damp hair let down from its usual ponytail and drying into soft waves that ended at her waist. Her dark eyes took him in, standing there impatiently, and she stepped aside. It was then that he noticed her hands were shaking.

It was funny, he thought, how he wasn’t attracted to her at all. She was the most beautiful creature in the world, and he didn’t care. She was what—a year older than he? And he would rather kiss Sirius than feel attracted to her.

He wished he knew why!

“Why didn’t you tell me I was an Amoris before?” The words came out harsher than he had expected and she tucked her hair behind her ears, biting her lip.

She acted so much like Lily did when she was nervous that James ached.

“Why do you ask?” Patel finally said, her calm demeanor returning.

“Because my life is falling to pieces, and I need someone to blame,” he said, his voice cracking. Sweet Merlin, he felt like he was going to cry. A lump rose in his throat and he swallowed hard.

“It’s…it’s very complicated, James. I just didn’t think it was the right time to tell you.”

“Not the right time?” he burst out. “What do you mean, ‘not the right time’? If you’d told me sooner maybe I would have—“

“No, I had to tell you at a certain point in time. James, please trust me. I have my secrets too. I’m not safe here—“

“So there was nothing in the news about you coming here, right? Madhura Patel, going off to teach some ungrateful brats in the middle of Scotland—“

“You aren’t ungrateful,” Patel said quickly. “There was nothing in the news because no one can know I’m here. If they find out they’ll kill me—James, please, pay attention! You got a letter right, from the Order of Light—L’Ordine di Luce? They want you to train, don’t they?”

He hadn’t heard such a flawless Italian accent since his mother had been alive. “How do you know that?” he asked, his voice breaking. She stayed silent and he shut the door with a shaky hand, leaning against it. “How do you know that?”

“Because they told me—I was sent here to undo something that should have happened two days ago. And our enemies—the Light’s enemies, wanted it to happen.”

James licked his lips. “They only take men—and they have to have some Italian blood—“

“They made an exception,” Patel said after some hesitation.

“You’re holding something back,” James said, narrowing his eyes at her.

Patel bit her lip. “It’s none of your business.”

“It is,” James said firmly, looking inside himself and finding his magic. He drew it out and opened his eyes, looking at Patel.

All he saw was a brilliant wall of white and gold fire.

“The Light protects me,” she said simply.

James sagged against the door. “I don’t understand,” he said brokenly. “I don’t understand any of this. I can’t take losing her—not after everything else—everyone else! Why won’t she just listen to me?”

Patel sighed and sat down, indicating that he should do the same. He sat on the floor, his back against the door.

“You know, my parents died when I was only four.”

He looked at her sharply.

“You see—my…my brother killed them. My older brother. He just—decided to off my mum and dad one day. And then he took me and we went into hiding and he started—he started doing the strangest things to me…and then the Light took me.” She looked at him, her cheeks wet with tears. “The Order of the Light took me in and helped me, so I help them in return.” She clenched her fists. “It’s as simple as that.”

“What’s it like?” he asked softly, “being a member of the Order?”

She laughed. “It’s terrible…but it’s amazing. You have a month and a half of the most intense training ever—and then you’re turned over to field service. You get magically bound as soon as you sign that invitational letter and send it in, and if you decline you instantly forget all about the Order. It’s ingenious, really, and it’s a wonderful community.” She looked uneasy. “They’re a little harsh sometimes. If you betray them they’ll kill you—and they don’t really care for one individual person. They’ll sacrifice you if it’s for the good of the Light.”

“I’m sorry about your parents,” he said after a moment, then added, thoughtfully, “and your brother too.”

Patel laughed. “If you only knew. I had…I had a sister too, but she died a few years after she was born.”

James looked at his hands. “My mum and dad are dead—my mum was Italian. Purest blood in all of Italy, actually, but the English don’t care. If you’re not English pureblood you’re as bad as a M-Mudblood. My bloody grandparents hated my father because he married her. He was supposed to keep the pure bloodedness flowing, even though we’ve only been pureblood for twenty generations. Other families’ve got a hundred generations of pure blood.” He looked up. “Why is it so important?”

Patel sighed. “I don’t know, James.”

“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted. “I’ve thought…I’ve thought about just signing the bloody letter and letting it all go, but a part of me wants to hold out for Lily. I keep on thinking she’ll change her mind. I want her to change her mind.”

“Some things just aren’t meant to be, James,” Patel whispered.

“Why not this?” he asked. “Why can’t Lily and I be meant to be?”

“Because it isn’t for the greater good,” Patel replied.

“Fuck the greater good,” James said hoarsely. “I want to be a kid again—like I was before this year. I want to be selfish for once. Why can’t I just have Lily?”

“Oh…” she said, trailing off, and got up. She put her arms around him slowly and James clung to her, her petite body fitting strangely to his tall form. He wanted to protect her from the people who would kill her—from her silly Order—from the world. And he wanted her to protect him in a way no one ever had. Perhaps she could shed some light on his life; perhaps she could help him into the future.

He couldn’t understand it.

The only thing he understood was that it felt strangely right to be holding Patel like this—not romantically, but as if he were comforting her, while in all reality, she was comforting him.

“You need to go back to your room,” she said shakily, wiping her eyes and pulling away. She smiled nervously and déjà vu hit James hard.

“I’ll see you later,” he said. “Two weeks, right? That’s our next meeting?”

“That’s our last meeting,” she corrected. “Actually…Lily will be there as well.”

James cringed. “All right,” he said. “I’m going now.”

Patel opened her door and James stepped into the hallway.

“Professor Patel—“

“Call me—call me Madhura,” she interrupted.

“Madhura,” he assented, the name sounding horribly wrong for her on his lips, “thank you.”

“Thank you, d—James,” she said, and then he turned and heard the door shut behind him.

_______________________________________

May 28, 1978

_______________________________________

“What…what are you reading?”

Lily looked up so quickly she was dizzy.

“It’s…it’s this book I found the other day. I think I was reading it that night you startled me in the common room.”

He seemed to know what she was talking about even though she didn’t know herself.

“Why are you doing this, Lily?” he asked gently.

Don’t say my name, she thought. It was wrong, the way he could make it sound so intimate.

“Because it’s the right thing to do. It feels…as if it should be done. Even if it hurts.”

“But you don’t have to do this, Lily. We can still—I don’t know,” he blurted, running his hands through his hair. “Everything’s so messed up. You and me, Maria and Remus and Sirius…this year was supposed to be the best. Nobody told me I would…”

“Fall in love?” Lily suggested.

“Get my heart broken,” he corrected.

“You broke mine first,” she whispered, but he was shaking his head.

“I didn’t. You’re making it this way.”

“James—how am I supposed to know if you really love me? If I really love you?”

He finally met her eyes, really met them. “You just know it. I do.”

Lily took in a deep breath and fought back tears. “But I don’t. Does that make me a bad person?”

“Not at all,” he said, pushing away from the doorframe he had been leaning against and walking into her bedroom. “It just makes you honest.”

“I should know,” she said guiltily.

“Honestly? Yes, I think you should. I want you to realize that you really love me. But if you can’t—then you can’t. And…there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.”

“We aren’t going to get together again,” she said softly. “Not this year. So don’t let me hold you back—go out and get yourself a new girlfriend.” Bitterness seeped into her voice and her cheeks burned with embarrassment. She sounded like a shrew of a wife, for God’s sake!

When she looked up, he was gone.

Lily really needed to study for her N.E.W.Ts.

She was going to fail—she knew it. And she couldn’t do it without James. She couldn’t concentrate on memorization and practice while he hated her.

She supposed it was incredibly cliché, to realize you were carrying a child the week after you break up with its father. It was downright ironic.

She shook her head and picked up her quill, resisting the urge to rest her hand on her belly. The common room was noisy—a sixth year girl was celebrating her birthday with a party and Lily couldn’t very well tell James to supervise. He was probably out there dancing with some girl anyway, and she didn’t want to see that. She’d fall to pieces.

She bit the end of her quill and bent over her Potions notes. She frowned and looked up when she sensed someone coming.

It was Maria. She settled herself into a chair beside Lily and tucked her legs up. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Lily said, not looking up from her notes.

“Well, I’m not really,” said Maria, and Lily looked up and frowned.

“I don’t care, Maria. I’m getting sick of it all. I wished you’d all just leave me alone. You, James—“ She broke off.

“If it’s hurting you so much,” Maria said thoughtfully, “then why do you have to prove this point? You know he loves you. And you love him. Everyone can see it—“

Lily shook her head. “But I can’t see it.”

“Then I can’t help you, Lily,” Maria said regretfully. “My love life is screwed up enough as it is.”

“Just because I broke up with James doesn’t mean I don’t believe what I told you. Remus is great—go for him.”

Maria shrugged. “Bye, Lily,” was all she said, and then she was gone.

Five minutes later, Peter sat down at her table, not saying anything. She sighed and put down her quill, slamming her book and pushing her notes to the side. She sat back and waited, her arms crossed over her chest.

Sure enough, Remus came next, and then Sirius. They sat down on either side of Peter and regarded Lily with rather frosty expressions.

“You bitch,” Sirius said quietly, and Lily opened her mouth indignantly, but Remus reached out a hand and smacked Sirius upside the head. Lily was amazed to see that even though they were fighting about Maria, they threw everything to the side to help James.

“Shut up,” Remus ordered, then turned to Lily. “Lily, you’re going to kill yourself. You’re going to kill him!”

“I will not,” she said archly.

“That’s not what it looks like to me,” put in Sirius. “From where I’m standing, he’s not eating, sleeping, or paying attention to anything. He’s going to fail his N.E.W.Ts.”

“That’s not my problem,” Lily said stiffly, forcing the words out.

“Who are you kidding?” Remus asked incredulously. “We all know that you won’t stand to see him in any pain. If he fails you’ll blame yourself anyway—“

“There’s nothing I can do about it now. The damage is done,” Lily said.

“Merlin, don’t be stupid,” Peter snapped. “This isn’t a game. He’s got feelings and so do you.”

“Peter—“ Lily began, exasperated.

“Leave her alone.”

They all looked up to see James standing off to the side, swaying slightly and with blazing eyes. He took an unsteady step forward and glanced from his friends to Lily, looking as if he didn’t really know what was happening. His eyes hardened. “Stop it. Stop it. All of you. Stop trying to get us back together—and trying to convince her to take me back, because I’m not crawling back with my bloody tail between my legs, all right? I’m not. I’m through—and I don’t…I can’t…just stop it…” He put his hand against the wall and shut his eyes tight, still swaying.

And it hit Lily that he was drunk.

She got up and put her hand on his shoulder but he jerked away, opening his eyes and looking at her wildly. “And you! Don’t touch me! Haven’t you done enough damage?”

She recoiled. This was the reason they wouldn’t work out again. She couldn’t ruin his life like this—she couldn’t tell him she was going to have his baby!

People were starting to stare.

“James—please go up to bed—“

“Don’t treat me like a two year old!” he bellowed, raising a hand to strike her. Lily stepped back and gasped, and he suddenly went limp. “I’m sorry,” he moaned. “I’m sorry…”

And suddenly Sirius was there, grabbing James roughly under the elbow and leading him, protesting, out of the common room and up the stairs. Peter followed but Remus stayed and looked at Lily.

“Yes, Lily,” he said, his voice so soft and full of disappointment she wanted to weep. “Haven’t you done enough damage?”

With that he left her, amongst the ruins of the long forgotten party with the stares of her fellow housemates trained on her. Lily took a shaky breath and stepped backwards, then fled up the stairs to her dormitory.

In the middle of the night James woke and left the Tower.

Fifteen minutes later, a letter had been taken out of the rubbish and signed, and it sat innocently on his desk, tormenting him until he fell onto his bed again, dreading what Sirius would do when he found him gone from the dorm, and wondering whether Lily would come to the Head Rooms to look for him.

He hoped not.

23. Chapter Twenty-One: Blocking

I own nothing.

Chapter 21: Blocking

[The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot, by Brand New]

________________________________

June 1, 1978

________________________________

The only sound in the room was the scratching of quills.

Lily bit the end of her quill and put the inked nib to the paper, scribbling out an answer to the last question on the theoretical Transfiguration N.E.W.T. She frowned, looking at her handwriting, and sighed. She looked around the room and caught sight of James, his messy hair standing out against everybody else’s. He was sleeping; Lily wondered whether he had bothered to finish the test first.

“Time’s up!” called the examiner from the front of the room. “Put down your quills—you right there! Put it down! You! Over there—wake up!”

James apparently didn’t hear. He continued to sleep. Lily bit her lip and looked down, knowing that his lack of sleep was her fault. She didn’t watch as the examiner woke James by shaking him roughly and scolded him.

“This is your future, young man! I should think you would actually pay more attention and finish your exam instead of dropping off—oh, dear. You’ve finished, have you?”

Lily felt a smile spread over her face but she forced it away.

“All right! You may all go. Come back in half an hour for you practical exam and don’t be late or—“

Lily was the first out of the room and she didn’t hear the rest of what the examiner said. She headed straight outside to the lake and stood in the bright sunshine, absorbing the heat. She was so cold lately—and then at times she was burning. She supposed that’s what a baby did to you—

Wait.

Her practical transfiguration—oh, God!

She ran up to the castle and barreled through the hallways until she reached McGonagall’s office. There was the sound of McGonagall’s voice as she scolded someone and Lily looked at her watch, biting her lip. There were only fifteen minutes left until she had to go back for the test.

She knocked on the door and McGonagall’s stream of words did not stop. The professor threw open the door.

“Hold on a moment. I’m dealing with extreme stupidity at the moment.” McGonagall turned away. “Sleeping during a N.E.W.T! James Potter, you are the strangest student I have ever met—just because you stay up all night studying doesn’t mean you fall asleep during the test!”

“I finished it!” James cried.

“Then you go back and check your answers! You do not go to sleep.”

“I’m sorry, Professor McGonagall,” James said with a sigh. “May I go now?”

“Yes. And if I catch you sleeping during any test again I’m going to take off house points!”

“Professor--!”

“Go, James.”

James sighed and turned, bumping into Lily, who had stood frozen during the entire exchange. He hesitated before saying, “Lily.”

She could only nod as he walked past her and took the path down to the Great Hall.

McGonagall was now several shades paler than she had been before. “I suppose I should have warned the both of you that you were here,” she said speculatively. “What is it that you want, Evans?”

Lily cleared her throat. “I can’t…I can’t transform myself into anything.”

McGonagall raised her eyebrows. “Is that so? Why not?”

Lily sat down shakily in a chair. “I’m…not physically able to do it.”

“Evans, you have quite an aptitude for self-transfiguration. I’m sure—“

“No,” said Lily, surprising even herself by interrupting her Head of House, “I can’t. I’m not allowed because it isn’t safe.”

McGonagall sat back in her chair. “Miss Evans, there are two reasons a witch wouldn’t be able to do self-transfiguration. She either really can’t do it because of some physical deformity, or she’s pregnant.”

Lily looked down.

“Miss Evans, I wouldn’t have expected this of you.”

Lily looked up, her shoulders heavy with the weight of shame. She didn’t want McGonagall’s disappointment.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, Evans,” McGonagall said briskly. “Now I assume you’ve told the father. Who is it, by the way?”

Lily flushed. “It’s…it’s James,” she said, her voice shaky. She steeled herself. “I haven’t told him. And I won’t.”

McGonagall sighed. “We need to discuss what you’re going to do, Miss Evans, but for now you a have to go take your examination. Because you have been so foolish, it is half my inclination to deny you any provision and let you fail…”

Lily squeezed her eyes shut.

“…but because that will most likely reflect badly on the headmaster, I will go talk to your examiner myself.”

Lily swallowed hard. “Thank you,” she said softly, and she followed McGonagall out of her office.

It was terrible.

She was started off doing small things she had learned in first year—buttons into needles, needles into buttons, boxes into mice, mice into boxes…

She worked her way up to her seventh year material, where she began to make mistakes. The only thing she managed to do perfectly was transform another examiner into a tea kettle, but aside from that, she figured she had failed.

“Very good, Miss Evans,” her examiner said impatiently. “You may leave. Do not discuss the exam with anyone.”

Before Lily even had a chance to say something, the examiner turned away, and she dragged herself out of the Great Hall.

The next day was the Charms N.E.W.T. Lily sighed with relief, knowing it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as Transfiguration. She made sure she ate something healthy as a snack and then went out to sit near the lake. She sighed, looking out over the water, and brought her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees.

She shut her eyes tightly but still felt tears leaking from the corners. She was going to have a baby! What was she going to do?

There had been a girl in Petunia’s year who had gotten pregnant—she was an upstanding member of the neighborhood and only seventeen, but as soon as the little town found out, they shunned her. Lily did not want to be like that girl. She was better than that girl.

This was all a mistake. She was supposed to be with James—but how to know if it was for real?

She took in a sudden, sharp breath and opened her eyes, wiping at them. There was no way now. She was on her own—and she would just have to get used to that.

When she reached the common room, it was full of people bent over their books, studying. There was absolute silence; not even a whisper from the first years who were studying for their own end of year exams, which began tomorrow.

Disgusted for no apparent reason, Lily went up to her dorm and got her books fro Charms before heading to the Heads’ Commons.

She knew James would be there. And she desperately needed to see him. She wanted to know where he was all the time, now, since she didn’t know whether he was with another girl or—

Stop it.

Lily did. She gave the password and clambered awkwardly in to the room, hampered by her Charms materials. As she had expected, James was there as well.

“Lily,” he acknowledged, before going back to his book.

“Are you…studying?” she asked incredulously.

James looked up and smiled wryly. “You know, Lily, usually when people have a messy breakup, they avoid each other.”

Lily blushed and looked down.

“But yes, I am studying. Just because I sit in the back for Advanced Charms doesn’t mean I don’t care. I need to know Charms for—“

He stopped talking abruptly and Lily looked up, tantalized by his hint at the future.

“For any good profession,” he continued, though she knew that wasn’t what he was going to say. “So I’m trying to cram all this information in my brain, which is going on overload, even though I did take a nap during Transfiguration. So…”

“Do you want me to help?” she blurted.

He stared at her. “Do I want you to help,” he said wonderingly, his eyes searching her face. “Do I want you to help?”

It only took her a second to see that he was laughing. “What’s so funny?”

“Sit down, Lily,” he said, taking a deep breath and motioning to a chair across from him. She did, still watching him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Lily replied immediately. “Why do you think something’s wrong?”

He shot her a look that told her she wasn’t giving him enough credit and smiled bitterly. “I know something’s wrong.” He laughed. “Isn’t that funny? I couldn’t tell anything was going to go wrong before but now I can just tell.”

Lily paused, a little disconcerted by this strange behavior. “Nothing’s wrong,” she said firmly.

“Don’t lie!” he spat suddenly. “Don’t you dare fucking lie to me. You owe me more than that!”

Lily gritted her teeth to keep herself from both yelling at him and blurting out that she was pregnant. “I didn’t come here to fight with you,” she said, quite calmly, tucking her legs up under herself. This was familiar—this bickering with James. This was something she hoped she could always rely on.

James hands clenched in fists. “All right, Lily,” he said in defeat, before looking up and smiling at her lazily. “You want to help me?”

Lily nodded.

He turned his book to her and she began quizzing him, at first hesitantly but then gaining confidence and playfully teasing him when he got one wrong. She fooled herself—just for an hour—into thinking that they were perfectly fine—that things were okay.

He quizzed her for ten minutes or so and then threw the list of questions aside in disgust when she got the first thirty-two right. They went onto the practical revision.

“Flick twice,” Lily said. “No—now swirl it clockwise, not counter-clockwise—James—you can do the hardest wand movement in transfiguration in five seconds and you can’t do a simple Dispelling Charm?”

“Well obviously not, Lily,” James replied sarcastically. He tried to dispel the pile of dust one more time and failed.

“James—this is definitely going to be on the N.E.W.T. You have to get it.”

James sighed. “I will—but let’s do something else for now.”

Lily’s sharp intake of breath startled him and he scowled when he realized the double entendre behind his words. How many times had he said that to her while they were studying, just before they ended up on her bed or his, lying down and—

Stop it, Lily thought again.

“Let’s,” she said levelly, lifting her chin.

His eyes flickered to her face and he raised an eyebrow. “I still haven’t got the Packing Charm done.”

“That’s an easy one,” Lily said. “See—you just have to really concentrate, and then even if your wandwork is shabby you’ll still get it done.”

James tried it, pointing at the tables and shrinking them before transfiguring one into a suitcase. He uttered the incantation and the tables flew into the suitcase, packing themselves neatly.

“Well,” Lily said, slightly disconcerted. “Well. Try the Dispelling Charm.”

James sighed. “No,” he said, sitting down on a couch. “I don’t feel like it.”

“Look, if you get up and try it and get it I’ll give you—“

--a kiss. She broke off, horrified.

James stared at her openly. “You’ll give me what, Lily?” he asked sharply.

“I’ll-I’ll give you…”

“Yes?”

“…a…a quill!”

James raised an eyebrow. “A quill,” he repeated. “A quill. I’m sorry, but I think me getting up and trying the bloody Dispelling Charm again is worth more.”

She glared at him. “I can’t give you more.”

“Well then I guess that’s too bad,” he muttered, staring hard at the wall.

“You’re so immature,” Lily said under breath, gathering up her books. She felt his stare on her and lifted her eyes to meet his.

“Your aura’s strange,” he said softly. “There’s more of it…but it’s all mixed up—“ He looked at the air between them. “There’s another link—it’s white—Lily…I’m confused. Why is there another link between us?” He squinted his eyes and she knew he was going to probe deeper.

Lily slammed up all her defenses just in time.

“Lily!” he hissed, drawing back as if physically struck.

“Sorry, James,” she said in a low voice. “I’ve got to go.” He couldn’t find out! Not like this!

“Lily!” he exclaimed, jumping up. “You know! Why is there another link?”

“I’ve got to go,” she said desperately.

“Dispellus!” James snapped, and the pile of dust exploded towards the portrait hole, where it hovered, blocking Lily’s escape.

“James, get rid of it,” she snapped.

“Tell me!”

Lily thought of the first thing she could. “Because it’s what should have been between us! I don’t know! You’re the expert on linking!”

“Look—“ James began. “Forget it. I just want to know…do we have a ch—“ He stopped suddenly. “Never mind.”

Lily took out her wand and muttered an incantation, blowing away the cloud of dust. She tripped backwards out of the room and trying not to meet his accusing eyes.

___________________________________

June 2, 1978

___________________________________

James took a deep breath before pointing his wand straight at the small pile of paper on the table. He swished, flicked twice, and twirled his wand clockwise, saying “Dispellus!” very firmly. The paper shot out around the room and his examiner applauded.

“Very good, Mr. Potter! Is there any other charm you think you can do that I haven’t asked you to already?”

James began to shake his head but he paused. “Actually, yes. He leveled his wand at the empty space behind the examiner and thought of Lily. “Expecto Patronum!”

A glittering silver unicorn stood for only a moment before disappearing; James was not happy enough to keep the good energy sustained. It did not matter though, for the examiner was already looking away, smiling and marking something down on a sheet of paper. “Thank you!” he gushed, smiling widely at James. “That’s wonderful.”

James managed a small smile before he left the room, drained and feeling rather nauseated. He leaned against the wall outside the Great Hall and swallowed hard, trying as hard as he could not to think about how fast that unicorn had faded.

Lily finished heaving into the toilet bowl and gasped for air, retching even more at the taste in her mouth after she flushed. She ran to the row of sinks against the wall and rinsed her mouth until she felt all traces of her regurgitated breakfast leave her mouth.

She moaned and tried not to cry. It was times like this that made her want to tell James so he could help her. She didn’t know how he could help her, but she knew he could. He just—knew what to say. He always knew what to say.

The door to the girls’ room opened and she straightened, smiling slightly at the two first year girls who entered and smiled shyly back.

“You’re Lily, right?” one asked while her friend went into a stall.

“Yes, I am,” she replied, trying and only managing a fake little smile that she was sure looked more like a grimace. She didn’t really feel like talking.

The first year didn’t seem to notice. “I’m Samantha. You’re Head Girl?”

Lily nodded again as the girl’s friend came out of the stall and washed her hands.

“Are you still dating James Potter?” asked Samantha.

Lily’s breath caught and she put a hand on the cool porcelain sink to steady herself as she swayed, feeling nauseous again. She shook her head and the girl’s brow wrinkled in confusion.

“But I thought—“

“Oh leave her alone, Sam,” muttered the other girl, averting her eyes from Lily’s. “Can’t you tell she doesn’t want to be bothered?”

“Don’t be mean, Lena—“

But Lena dragged Samantha from the room, and Lily ran for a toilet stall once more.

When she left the bathroom and walked into the crowded hall it suddenly went silent. Whispers filled the air and she looked around with wide eyes.

“I heard she told him to fuck off and left.”

“She’s shagging Rosier! All his girlfriends go for Rosier!”

“I can’t believe she did that to him!”

Lily cleared her throat and the whispers stopped. She pushed through the crowds and entered the Great Hall for lunch. Her eyes flew to the Gryffindor table and she saw that James wasn’t there. She took a seat near Sirius and he waved to her.

“That poor girl. She shouldn’t have fallen for Potter. She’s normally smarter than that.”

“She told him she was pregnant and he left her but she really isn’t!”

Sirius was staring, clearly shocked by the rumors.

“I thought she was pregnant—and she told him she didn’t want the child to know its father because he was a right bastard—“

“Where do you get this stuff from? He told her to get rid of it and she’s going to do it because she’ll do anything for him.”

“It all right, Lily,” Sirius said, taking her hand and squeezing it, his eyes full of sympathy and the slightest amount of pity.

As soon as he took her hand the whispers began again in earnest and Lily snatched hers away, her face burning.

It was like that all day. Everywhere she went, peoples topped talking and then began to whisper or even speak aloud. She saw James twice and saw that he was being followed by the same trail of gossip.

One sixth year Slytherin was even so bold to confront Lily to her face. She was called so many profane names and heard so many new obscenities she didn’t have the strength to keep up. As it was, she felt about to collapse.

So she kept her head down and walked through the halls, a mere shadow of her former proud self.

Lily dropped her bag on the couch and stared at him.

“Are you all right?”

She shook her head and took a deep, shuddering breath.

He stood slowly. “N.E.W.T was bad?” He knew that wasn’t the truth. The gossip mill was churning and Lily was letting it get to her.

She shook her head again, and then it was as if nothing had changed, because she was pressed flush against his body and he wrapped his arms around her so tightly he never wanted to let her go again.

“They’re terrible…they won’t leave me alone…make it stop!”

“Don’t listen to them,” he murmured into her hair. “Don’t listen to them.”

“I have to…I need to know if they’re right or not. All of it is so—“

“Far-fetched?” he filled in, thinking of the number of times he had been asked if Lily was pregnant.

“Elaborated,” she whispered.

“Don’t pay any attention to it,” he muttered, pressing his hand flat against her back.

She turned her face up and he readily kissed her, groaning deep into her mouth. Her knees buckled and they stumbled onto the couch.

Because really, how could they ever resist each other for so long?

___________________________

June 3, 1978

___________________________

James woke with a start and immediately reached for Lily. She wasn’t there. Furthermore—James was in his own bed.

He looked around, seeing Sirius and Peter snoring loudly. Remus was nowhere to be seen.

He didn’t feel any different. He didn’t feel happier, or less relaxed.

It had been a bloody dream.

He punched his pillow hard and gritted his teeth in anger. This was fucking ridiculous. He kicked the covers off and got out of bed, sliding into a pair of pants and pulling on a shirt. He shrugged into a set of robes and tried to comb his hair.

There was a scratching sound against the window and James turned, catching sight of the owl hovering outside his window. It was a normal barn owl; it could even be one from Hogwarts. He went to let it in and it flew into the room, dropping two letters onto his bed before perching on his bedpost.

James opened the first letter and raised en eyebrow.

Dear James,

How are you? Things have been all right out here, but Emily’s beginning to miss England and I can’t say I don’t agree. England will always be my home.

I’m sorry I haven’t been keeping in touch, but I’m writing to you because of something I heard the other day. Antonin has apparently gone mad and he’s out for your blood, so watch out. He heard about Emily and how close you were to her. He hasn’t come to see me but it’s only a matter of time. I’m terrified, James, but I’ve got to be strong for Emily, right? And she misses you so much—she was just talking about how she wanted Lily and Sirius and all to visit. She’s going to write to the both of you—

James dropped the letter and gulped. Antonia Dolohov—Evelyn’s first husband and Emily’s father.

He set Evelyn’s letter aside and reached for the second. His guess had been right; it was from Emily.

He tore it open and scanned the contents—Emily’s usual chatter about her school, about boys and what the mean girl had said to her—James paused at one passage.

I hope you’ve gotten together with Lily, James. I just know you’re supposed to be together. Her and Sirius—pah! And that old girlfriend of yours…Mary? Maria? She and Sirius are just alike. Although I suppose that defies the whole “opposites attract” thing, doesn’t it? Well, anyway, I’ll be writing to Lily as well so you’d better tell me what’s going on. Honestly! I haven’t heard from you in months! You’re so ungrateful sometimes, you twat!—

And Emily left him with a smile on his face.

_______________________________

June 10, 1978

_______________________________

Lily dropped on a couch with a sigh and shut her eyes in happiness. N.E.W.Ts were over! She popped one eye open and surveyed the people laughing in the common room. Everyone was inside because of the light drizzle that had begun only moments ago. It was supposed to become a full-fledged storm.

Suddenly, Lily wanted to so what nobody expected. She wanted to shout that she was pregnant, that she didn’t really care about the N.E.W.Ts anymore, but really, she just wanted to go out and run in the rain.

She sat up and dashed out of the common room, eliciting strange looks from her housemates. She ran through the castle and burst through the front doors, which immediately slammed shut behind her.

The rain was coming down faster now, sliding over her forehead and down her cheeks, into her awaiting mouth. She kicked of her shoes and shed her robes, doing a little twirl in her school skirt, which flared out. Her hair hung across her face and she tucked it behind her ears, out of the way.

Presently she felt someone’s eyes on her. She looked up quickly, felling rather rabbit like as she sniffed the air, getting water up her nose. She sneezed and put her hand to her wand before letting it go. She was no less tense, though.

It was James.

He was standing at the entrance of the Quidditch Stadium, his broom hanging limply by his side. She couldn’t make out the expression on his face, but she was good enough at recognizing him that she just knew he looked wistful.

For only a passing second she thought about beckoning to him before remembering that they had broken up.

Instead she lifted a hand and waved slightly, and he noticed. He waved back and then set of across the grounds towards the castle. Lily watched him brazenly, not really caring if he thought her intrusive.

He paused just outside the main doors but didn’t look back. He tensed—almost like a wolfhound on the scent—but what could he be chasing? What could he be scenting?

Me?

No, that wasn’t possible. They had missed their chance. She had ruined it.

Hadn’t she?

She thought of the way he had been looking at her…if she really thought—really sat down hard and thought about him, and if she came to the decision that she really loved him…what was to stop them from getting back together?

And who cared if she sat and thought in the rain?

So Lily sat down, and she thought.

24. Chapter Twenty-Two: And the Sky Falls

I own nothing.

Chapter 22: And the Sky Falls

[Play Crack the Sky, by Brand New]

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June 12, 1978

____________________________

Lily clung to the toilet bowl once more, emptying the contents of her stomach for the third morning in a row. She got up with a groan and went to rinse her mouth, only to double back halfway there and vomit again. She flushed the toilet and put a hand to the cool ceramic of the toilet bowl, pressing it to her forehead and hoping to alleviate some of the unbearable heat.

“How long have you known you’re pregnant?”

Lily whipped around so fast her hand slipped and almost fell into the gurgling water, but she snatched it back and stood, her head spinning, pressing her lips shut.

“Fuck you, Lily! How long have you known?”

“Maria—“

“I can’t believe you!”

“Please don’t—“ Lily felt the world tilt as she swayed and Maria darted forward to put a steadying hand under her elbow. “I really don’t think I can do this as it is, Maria. Please don’t make this harder for me.”

“Lily…” Maria began, lost for words. “How on earth—weren’t you ever careful?”

“I must have forgotten—with James there’s no asking if you’re sure or not. It just happens because you know he’s perfect—and sometimes I just forgot to use a charm because nothing else really mattered—“

“You don’t need to explain yourself about that—“

“But I do!” Lily exclaimed, interrupting Maria. “I do need to explain myself because I’ve got no one else to explain to! I just need to explain whatever’s inside of me away. I’m only seventeen, Maria! I’ve got no bloody idea what I’m going to do about a-a baby. I can hardly even say it.”

“Lily,” Maria said urgently. “James knows, right? He’s just being an arsehole. He knows and he won’t get back together with you because he’s too proud. Right?”

Lily slowly shook her head.

Maria abruptly stood up and went over to the window. “You fool,” she muttered. “You silly fool!”

Lily got up and went back into the bathroom, ignoring her friend. She rinsed out her mouth and brushed her teeth slowly, trying to avoid facing Maria.

She went into the other room and felt her heart stop. It was empty. She flew to the door and wrenched it open, clattering down the steps and into the common room, where Maria was standing, surrounded by James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter. They were all silent and they turned to look at her when she entered.

James averted her eyes and Sirius shot her a sympathetic smile. Remus gave a little half-shrug and Lily frowned. They were acting no different than normal—well, as normal as the current circumstances between she and James permitted.

“Good morning, Lily,” Maria said levelly, catching her eyes. She held them and tilted her head slightly in a gesture that Lily understood—Maria would keep silent.

“Good morning,” Lily replied, meeting James’s eyes and feeling sick with pain. Yes—she did love him, but which of them would give up their pride first and take the initiative to talk to the other? James made only the slightest move, a twitch of his fingers, and she knew he was going to cross the room to join her. He held still though, and she only stared at him.

Very slowly, he turned away from her.

“Come on,” he said hoarsely. “Let’s go to breakfast.”

Because the N.E.W.Ts had been so early, the seventh years had no classes until school let out. Maria was stuck in classes all day, however, and she spent this particular day in a state of elevated nervousness, waiting for Boot to dismiss them from the potions dungeon, which was heavy with mist from the positively unnatural heat of the day. The past week had been oddly humid. Her shirt beneath her robes was beginning to stick to her skin and she shifted uncomfortably.

She didn’t know what to do with this incredible secret—Lily’s pregnancy. She supposed she could always tell James, but in all reality, Lily was her friend. Lily was her only female friend, and she could betray the single-most important confidence she had ever been entrusted with by the older girl.

Finally, class ended and Maria ladled her potion into a vial and put in the stopper; she dropped it onto Boot’s desk and bolted out of the classroom.

She opened the door to her dormitory and crossed to her bed, throwing her bag down on it and heading straight for the shower. She stood under a stream of cold water and walked out to wrap a towel around herself, pulling on her skirt again afterwards and walking out to get a different shirt. She heard a soft sound from the bed farthest from hers—a sharp intake of breath. Maria froze and tried to keep her disgust off her face as she quickly reached for a shirt and pulled it on over her soaked hair and shrugged into her robes.

“I’m so sorry,” she said softly, not turning around. She knew what she would find. Shelly—most probably entwined intimately with a dishy bloke. It could be a girl though. It had been known to happen, and Maria had walked in on worse.

So, she thought as she shut the door behind her, why am I so disgusted by the thought of being in the same room with a couple of people who are shagging?

Ruefully she shrugged off her heavy school robes and hung them over her arm, rolling her shoulders to un-stick her shirt from her wet shoulders. It was completely ineffectual, as the staircase was just as hot as the dungeons, and just as humid. Someone had to renew the Cooling Charms.

She headed for the library, the place she knew she could be enveloped in cold air. Halfway there, in a little hallway that was as muggy as a rainforest, Maria met Remus.

He paused and smiled at her slightly, his eyes flicking subtly down her body over her shirt, which was conformed to her body from moisture. She realized with a start that her breasts were outlined clearly through the pastel blue of her shirt. She crossed her arms over her chest and his eyes flickered to hers again, clearly amused.

“Have a little respect,” she said loftily.

Remus laughed, the first real laugh she had heard from him since…she couldn’t remember. Since Sunny died, she supposed. “Respect? Maria, do you want blokes to respect you?”

“Well—not particularly, but it was just a joke.”

“Likewise,” Remus said, reminding her more of a man of thirty than a boy of seventeen.

No—he was eighteen, and if he wasn’t a man, she didn’t know who was.

“I’m going to the library,” was all she said, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen.

“Really? I was just going there too.”

Maria raised an eyebrow and refrained from pointing out that he had just come the opposite way from the library.

“Don’t you think this has gone on long enough?”

“What?”

He was silent. “This thing with Sirius.”

Maria let out a low, soft chuckle. “Remus, how could you forget? I don’t have a thing with Sirius anymore!”

He gave her a reproachful look as he opened the door to the library and held it for her.

“Thank you. And yes, Remus, I am deliberately avoiding your question. I do think it’s gone on long enough, but what exactly am I supposed to do? Sirius will be civil—but he won’t talk to me. He won’t explain anything.”

Remus looked uncomfortable and Maria laughed as she headed for the Potions section. “You know why we broke up, don’t you? Won’t you tell me?”

Remus shook his head. “No. He should. I’m too much of a coward.”

Maria paused for a moment but then went on her search. She randomly pulled out a book and began to flip through the pages idly, just so she wouldn’t have to look at him.

She felt him come up behind her and place a large hand hesitantly on her shoulder. Every nerve in her body jumped and it took all her willpower to keep from stiffening.

“What do you want from me, Remus?” she whispered, whimpering slightly as his fingers brushed the side of her neck when he took his hand away.

“I just want…” he trailed off. “I don’t know what I want. But it’s got something to do with you—and your hair…” His hand lingered against her still damp skin and he slid it into her hair. Someone made a strange sound of pleasure—was that her?

She turned and the book fell to the ground, forgotten.

“Remus…”

“Yeah?”

“Please…”

He leaned towards her and checked, his eyes meeting hers hungrily. “Please what, Maria?” he asked sweetly, but instead of giving her a chance to respond, he closed the gap and kissed her.

Maria gasped against his mouth and her hands trailed up his arms, skimming over the column of his neck and traveling upwards to frame his face. His cheeks felt good under her hands—slightly rough and quite obviously unshaven. Scruffiness suited Remus. He was warm and solid and beautiful, and Maria wanted to go on kissing him forever.

But moments later he pulled his wonderful sweet tasting mouth away and stumbled backwards, a dazed look upon his face. “Er…I suppose that’s what I’m looking for,” he said awkwardly.

“That’s all anyone’s ever looking for from me.” Maria herself was taken aback by the bitterness there.

“Not necessarily,” Remus said after a second, but he leaned in to kiss her again, sliding his hands down to her waist and pulling her in closer. Maria melted into him and arched against him, desperately trying to keep herself from....whatever would normally happen with Sirius. She didn’t want that yet. His hand trailed up her side and she gasped into his mouth when his fingers brushed against the side of her breast.

“Okay,” he said, breaking away. His voice cracked. “Okay, Maria.” He kissed her again and pulled away, muttering incomprehensible words.

What the bloody hell is wrong with me? Maria thought. She had never been so reluctant to sleep with someone.

Perhaps because one of your best friends just got pregnant?!

Oh…never mind, Maria thought, as his hand covered her breast and he leaned in to kiss her once more. He broke away and trailed little kisses over her cheek until his lips met the shell of her ear. He breathed into it heavily and Maria held still.

“Okay,” she said, and could have smacked herself for being so stupid.

“Um…” he whispered, his whisper sneaking into her ear. “I didn’t…Sirius just…I don’t know. I really need to talk to you.”

Maria sagged against him in relief and pressed her face into his shoulder.

“I’m not very good at this, all right? I’m not good with girls. For a long time…there was just Sunny.”

“I didn’t mean to say all that stuff about you two, Remus. It’s…it’s complicated because I’ve got love magic so I know when things will work out or not for people who aren’t me…and I didn’t want to randomly walk up to you and warn you because I hardly knew you. And then I figured…after her…after she died perhaps I could tell you it wouldn’t have worked out and you’d move on. I didn’t expect you to…”

“I kind of knew,” Remus said quietly, slipping his hands into his pockets and moving away from her. Maria swayed without his weight and then leaned against the bookshelf, closing her eyes.

“You kind of knew?”

“That it wouldn’t work,” he clarified. “That’s why I got so mad—because I didn’t want anyone else to know we weren’t perfect.”

Maria opened her eyes.

“You were perfect.” The full implication of what she said hit her and she flushed. “I mean…you were perfect together. You had the picture-perfect relationship.”

Remus was shaking his head. “You were right. Listen…you know I’m a…I’m a werewolf. Sirius told me you knew. And Sunny…she didn’t like werewolves.” He shifted uncomfortably. “And as much as I hate it—being a werewolf is part of me.” He frowned. “It’s…it’s something I can’t imagine not having. And for her to hate a part of me like that…it wouldn’t ever work. Eventually it would’ve ended. And we’d hate each other or something equally terrible,”

Maria swallowed hard. “I’m really sorry….”

“Yeah,” Remus said, and then he went silent. “Well, I should get—“

“Lily is pregnant,” Maria blurted.

___________________________

June 15, 1978

___________________________

James’s meeting with Patel had been put off for a week. She had suddenly taken ill and he was to meet her in three days—and he was incredibly jittery. He hadn’t spoken to Lily since the day she helped him study for his Charms N.E.W.T. He got his fill of her only by watching her, and he was beginning to feel vaguely stalkeresque.

He had told Sirius everything just hours ago. He had told him about the Order of Light, about his magic, about what, precisely, was going on with he and Lily.

“Think fast, Prongs!”

WHACK!

James stumbled and reeled as something hit him hard in the back. “Padfoot! You bastard!”

“Hey,” Sirius said jovially, clapping him on the back. “If I’d never known my father I’d be ten times happier.” He frowned. “Though I’d rather not know my mother.”

“Shut up, Padfoot,” James said irritably, sighing heavily. He looked down at what Sirius had hit him with: a pack of exploding snap cards. “Oh, Sirius,” he groaned. “Please not this game.”

Sirius grinned. “Go on. Open them.”

James sighed and pulled out the tab of the cardboard box. He slapped the stack of cards out onto his palm and grinned slightly. “Aw, thanks mate.”

Sirius shrugged. “Hey, I thought a few third year memories would cheer you up. We made those cards first day during Potions.”

James nodded. “I remember.” He flipped through the forty cards—all depicting Slytherins and other people they had hated dressed in crazy attire.

“Well,” Sirius said, looking slightly uncomfortable. “Well.”

There really wasn’t anything else to say.

“I don’t know if I’m going,” said James quietly, turning back to the fire, which was burning without heat.

Sirius hesitated. “Well…do you really want to?”

James shrugged. “I didn’t. But I sort of…it would be really interesting, you know? And now that I don’t have a chance with Lily—“

“You still might. She might come to her senses.”

James laughed bitterly. “Oh. Right. Fucking Lily’s going to come to her bloody fucking senses and is going to come fucking crawling back into my bed. I don’t think so.”

Sirius laughed. “Sure, James. Lily can’t resist you and you know it.”

James shook his head. “But she can. She’s been resisting me for a while.”

Sirius sighed. “Well…then I guess you should go.”

James started. He hadn’t thought his friend would tell him what to do so quickly.

But what James really wanted to know was whether he and Lily would reconcile.

“I’ll give it three days—after I meet with Patel and Lily, I suppose. Then I’ll decide. All right?”

“Okay. But—don’t be too proud? Okay? If you get an opening and you want to take it, and I know you do—just take it. Don’t be too proud.”

James nodded slowly. “I think I understand you,” he said.

Sirius smiled wryly. “You’d be the first.”

____________________________

June 16, 1978

____________________________

Lily gasped and sat up in bed as her curtains were wrenched aside. She looked around wildly and saw Professor Patel standing there, her long hair coming loose from her braid and her eyes alight with fear.

“Professor? What’s going on?”

“There’s no time!” Patel cried. “Come on! We have to go to the amphitheatre!”

“Why—“

“Oh, please hurry!” Patel moaned, tugging on her wrist.

“It’s all right!” Lily said, feeling ridiculous. What was she doing comforting a teacher? She swung her legs over the side of the bed and pushed her feet into her shoes. “See? I’m up! What’s wrong?” She wasn’t supposed to meet with Patel until Wednesday.

“Get him! Go get him and bring him down there! Now!”

With that Patel ran from the room, her robes flying out behind her. Lily scrambled up from the bed and flung herself at the door, calling for her professor. She was gone.

Lily wasn’t going to be stupid. She knew Patel meant to get James—but to go into James’s room…where he slept…where she had slept…it was unthinkable.

Then she remembered the look on Patel’s face. Perhaps they would finally get to know the real story behind Patel’s presence at Hogwarts.

Lily scrambled down the stairs and glanced out the common room window. The morning was bleak, gray and sickly white. She ran up the stairs to the boys’ dorms and crept quietly as she could into the seventh year room.

Remus was not in his bed. Sirius was lying sprawled over his bed, snoring loudly. Peter was tossing.

James was lying on his bed, his eyes open and his arms thrown out above his head. His legs lay akimbo. He looked over when she entered and raised an eyebrow. “Lily?”

“Patel wants us in the amphitheatre. Right now.”

James sat up very quickly and hopped across the room to his trainers. He pulled them on in the blink of the eye and also pulled on a shirt. He stubbed his toe and swore before grabbing his wand and slipping on his glasses.

“All right,” he said quickly. “I’m ready.”

Lily had stood dazed during this quick routine of getting ready. Did he really want to see Patel that badly? Jealously surged through her and she bit her lip hard to keep from saying something bitter. “Er…let’s go.”

“Good,” James said, and he made a motion towards the door.

“Oh!” Lily said; she had been blocking the door. She pulled it open and they began the long walk down to the amphitheatre.

Patel was pacing the floor when they got there, her hands hooked behind her back. Lily frowned and then shook off the familiar sense of knowing…

“James! Lily!” Patel cried, striding forward. They met her halfway and she drew them up to the platform and sat them in two chairs. “I have to leave.”

“What?” asked Lily. “What do you mean, you have to leave?”

“I’ve got to go. I’m not coming back. See—“ She flicked a glance at James. “The Order of the Light—it’s an Italian organization, they called me back. I’ve got to go now…and you’re never going to see me again…neither of you.”

“But why—“ Lily broke off.

“I can’t leave without telling you,” Patel said breathlessly. “Dumbledore said I shouldn’t but that I could…and oh, I want to tell you so bad!”

“Tell us what?” James said wearily. “What can you possibly have to the both of us…?” Together? But he did not add the word.

Patel took the deepest breath ever and let it out. “I’m your daughter.”

Ten seconds’ ringing silence reigned in the room before Lily let out a hysterical giggle.

“You aren’t serious,” she said, through another laugh.

“I am!”

James held up a hand. “But…how can you be our daughter? Do we…I mean…”

Patel shook her head. “My brother…did something.”

“Your…brother?” Lily said faintly.

“My older brother! He changed one event—and everything was thrown off balance. In the other world he created you never found out James was an Amoris until after you got married. And by then you were sure of yourself and you didn’t separate. But something happened to my brother and he went bad—he got kidnapped and he went crazy so he changed the timelines. And because you two got married right out of school, it changed things so that Voldemort got a hold of a scroll which helped him become immortal—“

“You’re Indian!”

“Illusions, Lily! It’s all and illusion!”

“I don’t believe you,” said James.

“Check your map! Maria Potter! Check it!”

Lily swung around to face James. “What map?”

But James was pulling something out of his pocket. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!”

He stared at the parchment for a moment longer before shutting his eyes and handing it to Lily. She stared at it, bewildered. It was a map of the school, complete with secret passages leading out to Hogsmeade and detailed names for every room. Small dots were moving about it—and Lily realized with a start that in the amphitheatre were three dots—herself, James, and Maria Potter.

“Oh…oh, God…”

“Why is your name Maria?” James suddenly asked.

Patel—Lily couldn’t call her Maria—shifted.

“I’m named after my aunt—well, my not really my aunt. Close enough. And you call me Adelaide. It’s my middle name.”

“Adelaide…” Lily whispered.

“Why are you named after Maria—is that the Maria we know now?”

Patel shut her eyes. “She married Remus,” she whispered. “And they died within two weeks of each other. She was first, he was second. My brother—his name was Remus—”

James put a hand over his eyes. “Remus can’t die…”

“Not in this world, though! James, don’t you see? Because everyone stayed in England countless things are different in that world. It’s a parallel to this one. And the balance of the Cosmos—it’s been thrown off. Didn’t you see that it was so hot this past week? Unnaturally hot for this region? It’s because of this imbalance. See—he imbalanced it…it’s very possible that…” She took a deep breath. “It’s very possible that you won’t even have him now because of the imbalance. Maybe you’ll have the baby you miscarried a year before I was born. Or maybe Lily’ll have—“

Patel snapped her mouth shut and Lily shot her a warning look.

“Maybe you won’t have my little sister! You named her Elizabeth Aurelia after your mothers…isn’t that a pretty name? She was the most adorable thing—“

“Take off your illusion,” James said hoarsely, gripping the arms of his chair hard. “Take off the bloody illusion right now!”

Patel lifted her wand and said an incantation that was totally unfamiliar to Lily. Her skin began to lighten; her nose lengthened and her eyes changed to a lighter shade; her hair changed from black to red.

Lily was staring at a female version of James with red hair.

“Oh my God,” whispered Lily, turning her face away. “This is unbelievable.”

“Adelaide. Please call me Adelaide.”

“Adelaide,” James said. Lily repeated it with a sigh. It was such a fitting name for this girl standing before her. It was not nearly so suffocating as Madhura.

“Please,” Adelaide said, kneeling between their chairs. She took one of Lily’s hands and one of James’s. “I hardly remember you,” she said, her eyes filling with tears. She reached a trembling hand out and touched Lily’s cheek. “I never knew if I looked like you or my dad. I never knew how beautiful you were. I grew up in the most horrible way and I’d always wonder why you couldn’t save me—and it was because you got killed by your own son…named after the most sweet-tempered man—“

“Adelaide,” Lily whispered, turning the name over on her tongue. It was beautiful.

“Please—this is too much,” said James, squeezing his eyes shut.

“I can’t…you’re my daughter—you’re perfect, Adelaide,” Lily said fiercely. “You bloody beautiful—god, you’re so perfect…what did I do to get you?”

Adelaide shook her head. “I’m a terror.”

Lily laughed. “Oh…I can’t even comprehend this—“

“So we die?”

They both looked at James.

“When were you born, Adelaide?” he asked next.

“April 30^th, 1982. Lily miscarried once—that baby should have been born in August of 1980. Everything’s so confusing—“

“So we were such terrible parents our son—Remus—decided to just get up and off us one day? ‘Oh, hello mum and dad. I’m terribly sorry for the interruption but I’ve come to kill you. Oh, whoops, Addy—sister dear, look what I did! Mum and dad are gone. Let’s go underground so I can be a sick little sadistic toerag—‘ Holy Merlin! Did we fight? Did we teach him that violence was good or something?”

“You weren’t terrible—“

“You were four when we died! When we were murdered by our first son! How can that make us good parents? If he went mad from kidnapping we should have been there to save him. How could my own son kill me if I wasn’t a bloody bastard to him?”

“You couldn’t—“

“And I repeat. How would you know?”

Adelaide closed her mouth. “Look—I know this is a shock—“

“A shock?” James bellowed. “A shock? Oh, Merlin, you’re kidding me! Lily would rather fuck Snape than look at me and you think that me finding out she had three of my kids is a bloody shock? I’m about to have a bleeding hard attack—“

“I wouldn’t rather shag Snape,” Lily spat. “All right? I’m just—“

“Lily, just shut up. Haven’t we all told you that you’ve done enough damage? I’ll be civil to you but I don’t have to talk to you!”

Lily’s mouth snapped shut and she closed her eyes for a second before pinning him with a glare. “Good. I don’t want to talk to you. And I’d rather fuck Lucius Malfoy than you. I’d rather fuck Narcissa Black than you!”

“Well I hope you have a good time turning into a lesbo, Evans!”

Lily flinched. “Stop—“

“And another thing—don’t try to come near me or I’ll smack you into whatever other world out daughter’s popped out of!”

“So now you’d hit me?” she said acidly. “Oh, I’m so sure you w—“

“I would,” he hissed, stepping forward. “You’ve ruined me Lily, and it’s time you get something back for it.”

“Please, just shut up—“

“You’re a bloody bitch, Lily. Go fuck Malfoy. Fuck Black. Fuck Rosier for all I care. I’m through. I’m through.” He turned to Adelaide. “Look—I don’t think I’m ever going to see you again, so I’m going to say this once. You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. You’re amazing. And I’m proud—I truly am. I know what it’s like to want your parents you can’t have be proud of you. And I really think I could love you if you stayed. But since you can’t—“ His voice cracked and he leaned forward, hugging her tightly. “We’ll just have to settle for this. I wish we’d know for longer so I could spend more time with you—“ He broke off and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I ruined this.” He hugged her tighter and released her. “Goodbye, Maria Adelaide.”

She closed her eyes. “Goodbye,” she breathed, and it was a true one.

James turned and walked out of the amphitheatre without a second glance.

___________________________

June 18, 1978

___________________________

Remus was sitting in the common room when Maria sat down next to him and pulled his book from his hands.

“We need to talk.”

“The dreaded words are heard,” he remarked dryly, watching her set the book down and clasp her hands in her lap. She couldn’t sit still; she was constantly making little patterns on the couch with her fingers.

“I told you something a few days ago.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “That little bit of information you shared with me is not something—it’s got a life of its own. That something is so big I can’t even—“

“Okay, I get it,” she interrupted. “But you…you can’t tell anyone. Did you?”

Remus shook his head. “I haven’t. But I’m going to.”

“You can’t!” Maria cried, grabbing his hands. “She’ll kill me if he finds out!”

“Maria, this is James. If he finds out—and if he finds out that we knew he won’t ever talk to us again. James never does anything halfway. And he’ll marry her. He’ll drop everything and marry her and it’ll destroy them. Maybe if he had asked before—they would be happy. But the way it’s going now? They’ll kill each other…but he must know.”

“Let him find out later! If no one tells him he won’t find out!”

Remus laughed. “They’ll get into a fight and she’ll blurt it out. You know it’ll happen.”

“Remus, I’m begging you. Please don’t tell him. Don’t tell Sirius either—or Peter—and don’t tell Lily you know—“

“Maria. I can’t keep this to myself. He deserves to know.”

Maria looked down and intertwined her fingers with his. “He does,” she whispered. “He does deserve to know…but I can’t shake the feeling that if he finds out and stays—something important will happen. Or something won’t happen. It’s as if…if James stays—then what if he’s prevented from doing something he was supposed to do?”

Remus frowned. “What if finding out keeps him here—and he’s supposed to stay here? What if that’s what’s supposed to happen?”

Maria shook her head and looked up and him, her eyes bright with tears. “He can’t know.” She kneeled on the couch and leaned over him. “This is the only thing I’m ever going to ask you for. Ever.”

Remus’s blood ran cold. “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t you ask me for anything else?”

Her face was only inches away from his. “Because I don’t want you to give anything else to me. I just don’t want you to tell anyone—anyone at all. Lily’s my only friend—“

“I’m your friend,” he interrupted, feeling slightly hurt.

Maria laughed weakly and leaned down, kissing him. Her mouth was firm and delicious and it made him ache. “You’re just my friend? I hope you don’t kiss all your friends like that.”

Remus smiled reluctantly. “I don’t. Peter isn’t my type and James is unfortunately not gay enough for me.”

“And Sirius?”

“He doesn’t kiss good enough.”

Maria froze for a moment and then laughed. “That wasn’t funny.”

He poked her in the stomach and she doubled over, effectively tickled. He felt her hair brush his face and the sensation sent shocks through his body. He shifted slightly and leaned away from her.

“Then why are you laughing?”

“Because the idea of you and Sirius kissing is just—it’s just—just insane!” she gasped, collapsing on top of him.

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay. You don’t think I can be gay?” he asked, and suddenly wondered just at what point this conversation had taken this direction.

Maria slid a hand up his leg and raised an eyebrow, sending his temperature through the roof. “You don’t react like you’re gay.”

“Point taken,” he said breathlessly, grabbing her hand and pushing his fingers between hers. They were tiny and slender and white and looked amazing entwined with his.

“I won’t tell anyone,” he said after a moment.

She smiled up at him, sprawled across his lap. “I know.”

He felt a sound rise up in the back of his throat and repressed it.

“You’re such a good person,” she sighed. “I didn’t expect you to be such a good person.” She reached out a hand and put it on his chest. “I think I want to be with you.”

“You think?”

“I…you’re really great, Remus.”

“You think?” he prodded. Did she only think she wanted to be with him?

“You’re leaving at the end of the month,” she finally said. “And I’m still going to be here.”

He froze, not having thought of this.

“I’m going to be here in this place without any of you—and you’re all going to be out in the world—amongst all these wonderful people who don’t sleep with anybody who asks—“

“You don’t sleep with everyone,” he said.

She laughed bitterly. “I do. I’m the Hogwarts Harlot—“

“If James were to ask to sleep with you, would you?”

She looked taken aback. “Well, no. But—“

“Sirius?”

“Probably not. But I’d still—“

“Snape? Salmand Malfoy? What about Lucius Malfoy? Or—“

But Maria flushed and looked down. Remus was horrified.

“You—you shagged Snape?”

She shook her head vigorously. “No! I…Malfoy. Lucius Malfoy.”

“He’s six years older than you!” Remus said disbelievingly.

“So? Narcissa Black is engaged to him and she’s in our year! I was sixteen when it happened, so I wasn’t—”

“Let’s just not talk about you shagging Malfoy, okay?” he said angrily.

“Remus,” Maria said softly, sitting up and putting her hand on his cheek. “It’s not like it mattered with Malfoy—I haven’t…I haven’t slept with anyone since Sirius. And I haven’t slept with anyone but Sirius since the beginning of February.” She bit her lip. “I don’t want to start something we can’t finish. Maybe once I get out of Hogwarts we can…try. But if we get together now—we’re just going to resent each other for tying the other down over the summer.”

Remus wanted to tell her that it wasn’t true—that he would go to hell for her and stay there forever if she needed him to—but the expression on her face was so confused that he didn’t want to confuse her more.

“I want to be with you,” he said after a moment, putting aside his pride for the briefest of seconds. “We don’t…it doesn’t have to be really serious, does it? We can just have fun—and then at graduation that’s it—and once you get out of Hogwarts we’ll see.”

She nodded. “All right.”

“So…does this mean I can kiss you now?”

____________________________

June 22, 1978

____________________________

James stormed up to the Heads’ Rooms and into his private bedroom, slamming open the door and snatching the stupid letter off his desk. He glared at it, having looked for it since the day he had seen Adelaide and Lily in the amphitheatre. He had just seen Lily in the halls and the sight of her just talking to Dean Rosier had made him crazy. He crumpled the letter slightly and then set off for the owlery.

He couldn’t stand it anymore. He had to leave England. He had to leave England and stay away for as long as he possibly could.

He looked around futilely for his owl and instead chose a school owl and tied the stupid letter to stupid owl’s leg. He paused for a moment and thought hard.

Did he want this?

Only if he couldn’t have Lily.

Did he…want Lily?

Not at the moment, he didn’t. He ached so badly and he had to relieve it.

He let go of the owl and it flew off into the light. He sat down to wait, for what, he did not know.

An hour later, an owl returned. He took the letter and the owl dipped forward, as if bowing. Frowning at this strange behavior, he broke the seal on the envelope—a lyre with a sunburst behind it—and read the flowing words.

As soon as he finished the letter—which told him he would begin training on the second of July and would end on the thirteenth of August and accepted him into the Brethren, and so mote it be—it burst into flames and he let go of it.

It hovered before him for ten seconds or so and the flames grew brighter, so bright they shone with white-gold brilliance and blinded him. He threw a hand over his eyes and felt the flames touch him. Instead of burning him, they warmed him and he welcomed them within his body. Warmth—pure warmth—spread from the tips of his fingers to his toes.

And suddenly he was on fire. He screamed in agony and fell to the floor, rolling on the unforgiving stone in a futile effort to put out a fire which raged only within him.

Suddenly he was a cold as he had been before, but he felt strange. He felt…fuller. He had a purpose now. He stood and groaned with pain. His arm itched and he scratched it, wincing as a sharp sting stabbed through his muscles. He pulled up his sleeve and stared at the symbol on his arm. It was red, gold, and shimmering white—the same seal from the envelope. It was almost…alive. It was warm to the touch.

Shaking his head at this strange new development, he began his trek down to the common room.

Right outside the portrait hole, a sixth year Gryffindor stopped him.

“Hi, James,” she said, slightly breathlessly. She smiled up at him, all newness and candy and innocence.

“Hello,” he said politely, trying to remember her name. He was too listless to think of it.

“You know Maria and Lily, right?”

“Yea,” he said warily, eyeing her with distrust. Sweet Merlin, was she going to ask him out?

“Don’t you remember my name?” she asked quietly.

“Of course I do, Hanna,” he said, the name coming to him suddenly. Hanna Hayden—perhaps the only sixth year Gryffindor girl out of six who wasn’t a slag.

She smiled slightly. “It was nice talking to you,” she said, her voice sugar and silk. “I hope you have a wonderful evening.”

She walked off without another word and James frowned, facing the portrait hole. “Washayara,” he said, and she swung open.

The moment he stepped inside he knew something was wrong.

The normally loud common was silent as a tomb aside from a strange chattering sound—as if someone was so cold their teeth were clicking—but as soon as he stepped into the room every head swiveled towards him and whispers swept through the room. A crowd of people was clustered around the fireplace.

And without a doubt, he knew the unthinkable had happened.

25. Chapter Twenty-Three:

I own nothing. Ok, this spiel is old, and I’m going to leave it in here with the chapter

Three issues I’m going to address:

1.) Someone said Remus was out of character. Now, we know Harry was born in July of 1980. Due to information JKR had given out, Snape is 35 around the fifth book which makes Remus 35; this is in the year 1995. We now know that Lily and James were 20 when they had Harry, as were Remus, Sirius, and Peter. Since they were about 17 when they got out of Hogwarts, my timeline is very possibly correct.

This means that the Remus in this story is 17 years younger than the Remus we know currently in Book 5. I think it’s safe to say he may have been slightly different. A lot can happen in 17 years to change a person. As he’s growing he’s also growing apart from his friends. There’s got to be a reason the made Sirius secret keeper (aside from the fact that he’s James’s best friend) and then Peter, while Remus is apparently the most level-headed. Maria is a girl who Remus is attracted to—he’s going to do things for her he wouldn’t normally do. Members of the opposite sex affect friendships. It’s a fact of life.

2.) I was slightly offended when a very faithful reader/reviewer told me not to make the plot more complicated than it has to be, and that the story would have made more of an impact if I had ended the story sooner. I’m sorry if I’m offending you as well, but I’ve got to say that this story is going on until Lily and James die…which is over two years away from this point in the story. If they get together and live happily ever after right now, nothing interesting will happen in the next 17 or so chapters. Plot devices need to be created and put into the story now; these ideas need to be developed. Please don’t tell me to keep things simple; I’m insane.

3.) Confusion about Patel. I’ll try to explain as best as I can.

A.) Pretend we’re happily put-put-putting along in this story and we get to the point where Lily’s baby is born and she and James are back together. It’s a boy and he’s born on January 29, 1979 (what a random date). On July 31, 1980, he gets a little brother named Harry. Now, he grows up and has an experience that makes him go crazy. He goes back in time to May of 1978 and stops his mother from finding out James is an Amoris.

Instead of this changing the future, as was expected, it creates another world—in this world, Lily never found out James was an Amoris and they got married right out of Hogwarts after she tells him she’s pregnant. Maria is killed in September (she and Remus got married as well). Remus disappears two weeks after her and turns up dead. Lily and James name their baby Remus.

Lily miscarries her next baby, (this is Harry). She gets pregnant and has a girl, whom she and James name Maria Adelaide. Two years later they have a girl and name her Elizabeth.

Lily and James die, as does Elizabeth.

Remus takes Adelaide underground and when she’s fourteen she’s rescued by L’Ordine di Luce. The Order of Light knows what has happened and with Dumbledore’s help, they devise a plan to right the world. Adelaide is sent to the real world (MY STORY WORLD) and teaches Lily and James. She makes sure Lily finds out James is an Amoris. Because both Adelaide and Remus are trying to change this point in time, the balance of the cosmos is thrown off. Heat and rain will occur because of this. The world is as it should be once more.

You all know Remus won’t be born, because Harry doesn’t have an older sibling. The story part is why he isn’t born.

Thank you for all your helpful comments and suggestions. I was pleased with the length and depth or the reviews I received and I’m glad you were all comfortable enough to criticize constructively and leave me with a good feeling inside.

P.S: L’Ordine di Luce is in no way the mob/mafia except for the whole killing its own members thing. They’re a good organization. Like the Order of the Phoenix expect Italian and more universal.

If you’re still confused, e-mail me with questions or stick them in your review. That way questions are easier to keep track of.

Chapter 23: “Nothing Will Change”

[I’ll Never Love This Way Again, by Dionne Warwick]

“If my parents ever…if they’re ever…you know…”

“I know…”

“I want you to be there. I don’t care if we’ve broken up or if I’ve slapped you twenty times or if we’re fighting. I just want you to be there to help me.”

“I promise…”

He shoved through the crowd of people, elbowing one girl in the stomach and a pushing a short boy into a taller one. He ignored everything and broke through the throng, entering the space before the fireplace.

She was sitting curled up on the couch, shivering so hard her teeth were chattering. A blanket was draped over her body despite humidity of the day. Maria stood over her, stroking her hair gently and crying silently. Sirius sat on the arm of the chair, his hand on her back. Remus was standing behind her and Peter—Peter was nowhere to be seen.

Remus noticed him first and he pressed gently on Lily’s shoulder. She started and turned her face straight towards James.

“James!” she whispered, her voice breaking. “Please…"

He crossed the space between them in two strides and put his hand under her elbow, dragging her to her feet. He put his arm around her waist and half-led, half-dragged her up to her dormitory, kicking the Admittance Stone three times with his foot, not caring who saw.

“Get out,” he spat at Clara, who was reading a magazine on her bed. She took one look at Lily’s pale face and James’s arm around her waist and bit her lip, looking…almost sympathetic. She got up and left the room, closing the door behind her quietly.

“Lie down,” he whispered. Lily sat down and he pushed her shoulders gently down to the bed. He lifted her legs onto the bed and pulled off her shoes. He lifted her up and strained to pull the covers out from beneath her, tucking her in as best he could. He hesitated a second before kicking off his own shoes and lying down on top of her bedclothes.

“James…” she moaned again. “I can’t—she can’t—“

He grabbed her hand, which was lying on top of the covers, and rubbed it between his own, trying futilely to warm her up. He kissed her palm and quickly pulled away, feeling almost guilty. She pressed her hand to his cheek and began to cry quietly.

“What do I do? What do I do?”

“Shh,” he cautioned, putting his hand over hers. “Don’t…just sleep,” he finally said.

She buried her head underneath the covers but he could still hear her crying.

He stroked her hair and eventually she wore herself out and fell asleep. He waited until her breathing was regular until he carefully got off her bed and went down to the common room.

Remus was sitting by the fireplace with Maria in his lap, hugging his neck. He looked up when James came down the stairs and wordlessly held out a sheet of paper.

James shook his head and pushed the paper away, feeling sick. “What’s happened?” he asked hoarsely.

“Her mum,” Remus rasped. “Had the baby—they both died.”

James shut his eyes and clenched his teeth. “Who wrote to…her?”

“Father—her sister took over I think. Handwriting changes.”

“Oh, Merlin,” James said. “I can’t take this.”

Maria looked up at him, eyes snapping. “You’d better, James Potter! She’s going through enough right now and you’re the only one who can help her, and you had better hope she survives this.”

James paused. What did she mean by that? Taking one look at Maria’s angry expression, he decided not to press and only nodded. “I think I’m going back up there,” he said, and Remus gave a little jerk of his head.

When he reached her room, Lily had changed into a nightgown and was sitting on the window seat, staring off into space. She didn’t look up when he shut the door, or when he stood beside her.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said in a low voice.

He nodded. “All right.”

She turned to him after a moment, looking lost. “I do want to…I want you to…I don’t…” She took a deep breath and he sat on the window seat behind her, wrapping his arms around her stomach and pulling her up against his body. He started when he realized she was wearing absolutely nothing underneath but didn’t remark upon it. She obviously wasn’t thinking straight.

She twisted to the side and pressed her face into his shoulder, blowing warm breath onto his shirt. “I’m tired,” she whispered, and his hand went automatically to her hair. His other hand slid down to her lower back and he drew small circles through the thin nightgown, willing her to sleep. He could sense deep purple light flowing between them—purple, the color of relaxation.

Within moments she was asleep and he slid one arm underneath her, lifting her with a good deal of effort. He laid her down on her rumpled bed and then paused before removing his glasses and climbing in beside her. He tentatively put his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, almost groaning at the familiar feeling of her head tucking into his shoulder and her face pressed against his chest. She nuzzled his neck and curled up against him, her cheeks still wet with tears.

__________________________________

June 23, 1978

__________________________________

Lily’s eyes fluttered open and she inhaled the smell of…something familiar. She yawned and shut her eyes, her mouth brushing against something warm. She opened her eyes again and looked up, recognizing James’s profile. She was laying the most awkward position; her head was tucked into the curve between James’s neck and his shoulder, her legs were entwined with his, and her torso was curved outwards.

But it was incredibly comfortable.

Lily quite suddenly became aware of the sensation of James’s hand resting just under her breast. She shut her eyes and put her own hand over his, sliding it away.

Quite suddenly, his hand was resting on her stomach, the heat of his skin burning through her cotton nightgown. She swallowed hard and tried to look away from the clasped hands over her belly—her belly!—finally moving it to her waist. He made a strange snuffling sound and she laughed.

Her memories from the previous night flashed through her head and she moaned, curling up into a ball. James suddenly woke and his hand went straight to his wand. He caught sight of her and squinted before grabbing his glasses and slipping them on.

“Lily? What—oh.”

She stared at him. “Why are you here? Why did you stay?”

He stared back at her. “Because you…your…well…your mum.”

“I feel dizzy,” she gasped, a powerful wave of nausea sweeping over her. Oh, God…not now! Not in front of him! She rolled off the bed and pushed the curtain aside and hurried into the bathroom. James followed her in and held her hair back with cool hands as she retched.

When Lily finished she was crying. This was how it should be…he should be holding her hair back every morning while this happened.

She had to tell him; now more than ever.

He reached for a towel and gave it to her, and as he did his sleeve lifted and she caught sight of something that shimmered. She caught his hand and pushed up his sleeve, ignoring his gasp. It was something almost like a tattoo—a golden string instrument (a harp, perhaps? A lyre?) with a white, yellow, and red sunburst behind it, rimmed in a line of red and then white.

“What is this?” she whispered.

He snatched his hand back and shifted. “It’s…it’s for a job.”

She frowned. “You haven’t gotten your N.E.W.Ts results yet.”

He shrugged. “I’ve got a job,” he said, more firm this time.

Lily opened her mouth to say something but shut it, shaking her head. She was too tired and she needed to think. “Please leave,” she said.

James shrugged. “Okay.” He hesitated, looking at her curiously, before turning and leaving the bathroom. She heard the door to her dorm shut as he left.

She stared at the wall for a moment, wondering just what was going to happen to her now. She had so few options—certainly not an abortion, but having a baby…

And what if she died while having it? Who would take it and raise it? Certainly not James.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she told herself aloud. “You’re not going to die while having…a baby.” She sighed and wiped her eyes, getting up to brush her teeth.

Not like her mother.

The thought startled Lily, and she looked up at the mirror, her mouth full of foaming toothpaste. She stared at herself in the mirror: straggly red her, dull green, bloodshot eyes, terribly white face. She hardly recognized herself. She wasn’t nything out of the ordinary, so why did the most unordinary things happen to her?

Her best friends died, her mother died. Who would die next? Her father? Petunia? James? She now had a whole new understanding of what Adelaide had felt like. Losing your mother was…unthinkable.

I’m never going to be like that! she thought fiercely. I’m going to love my child forever and I’m going to be there forever!

She shuddered and spat out the toothpaste, hurriedly rinsing her mouth and washing her face. Blocking out all thoughts of her mother’s plump and friendly face, she got dressed and crawled back into her bed. She pulled the covers up and curled up in the cold hollow where James had lain. It still smelled like him.

She couldn’t stand it. She got up and went over to her chest of drawers and pulled out the music box she had removed from her foyer in December. She ran her fingers reverently over the latch and snapped it open. Earlier that year she had transferred all her letters into the box. The lilting tune reminded her of happier times and she bit her lip, forcing back tears.

She had assorted letters here from all seven years, some which she thought were important and others which she wanted to remember just for the sake of it. She sifted through them and pulled out one form the end of her first year. She held it to her face and sniffed it; it still smelled of her mother’s perfume.

Dear Lily,

How are you, dear? Everything here has been fine—we’re all so proud of you for getting top marks on your exams! Your dad asked me to tell you how much he misses you, and I’ve got to add in my two cents. I miss you more—

Lily put the letter back in the box and slammed the lid, cutting of the tune mid-note so it hovered, poised on a crescendo. She laid down on the floor and rolled over on her stomach, pulling from her bed the blankets which still smelled like James; she pressed them to her face and curled into a ball, letting the scent of him comfort her while she cried.

________________________________

June 27, 1978

________________________________

James had not seen Lily in four days.

He only had four days left to see her—and then he was never going to see her again.

He couldn’t shake the feeling that this chapter of his life—his years at Hogwarts—was not yet over. He had the strangest feeling that something important had to happen, and then he could finally let go.

She had stayed in her dorm for four days. Didn’t she get bored?

Immediately he winced. She wouldn’t be bored—she would be grieving. He ran his fingers through his hair and shoved his hands in his pockets. He encountered a piece of parchment and drew it out, confused as to where it had come from. It was the letter from yesterday, the one that had supposedly burned to ashes. How had it gotten in his robes?

He shrugged and put it down on his desk. The door to his room opened and he turned in surprise. Nobody knew the passwords to the Heads’ Rooms except Lily, and she wasn’t likely to come see him. Aside from that, all his friends thought he was in Hogsmeade.

It was Peter. He crept into the room quietly and saw James. He froze and opened his mouth slightly, not saying anything. Then, he backed away and shut the door, and James shut his eyes, wondering if he had even been there in the first place. He shook his head and forgot about it.

He still wanted to see Lily.

He frowned and got up, heading back to the common room. He encountered few people on the way because dinner was going on. He reached the portrait in record time and she raised an eyebrow, brushing a hand over her pink dress.

“Password?”

He swore violently. “I don’t know it.”

She shook a finger at him. “No entry.”

“You know I belong in there!” he burst out. “Now let me in!”

“I’m sorry, my dear, but no one gets in without a password!”

“Well then—“

The portrait suddenly swung open and James froze in mid-sentence.

“What are you doing here, James?” Lily asked tiredly, her eyes drooping.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he said.

She shook her head and pressed her fingertips to her temples. “Not now.”

James cocked his head to the side and regarded her with a curious gaze. She looked impeccable aside from the rings under eyes and the slight redness that told him she had been crying. Her clothes were absolutely perfect.

“Could you move? I haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday. I’m already late for dinner.”

Just then, a rush of students came up behind James, signaling the end of the dinner hour. Lily groaned and stepped aside as people began to rush through the portrait. She looked slightly lost and James grabbed her hand, pulling her through the portrait hole.

“Stop—“

“We’ll go get you food,” he said gently, and she fell quiet. He led her down to the kitchens and ticked the pear. He pulled open the portrait and was immediately attacked by a group of house elves. He set them to work preparing a full plate of warm food for Lily and it was before her in only ten minutes. She picked at it and James glared at her. She caught his fiery gaze and finally began to eat in earnest.

When she finished and was toying with her fork, she looked up at him. “Thanks.”

He smiled. “Anytime.”

She shut her eyes for a second before holding out a something to him. He took it and read it, setting it down after he finished.

“What are you going to do until January?”

She looked down at her hands. “I guess…I think I’ll go home,” she said. “Stay with my dad for a few months. I’ll travel a bit…go to America. I guess I’ll stop in to see Emily. She sent me this great letter.” Lily smiled slightly at the memory and then looked up at him. “Then I’ll come back here. They only need to me to teach from January until July and then Flitwick’s coming back.”

James handed her the letter. “Give Emily my love,” he said stiffly.

She took it from him with trembling fingers and frowned, standing quickly. “I will,” she said quickly, heading towards the door. She paused. “Is that all?”

He nodded and she shrugged, smiling bitterly. “Okay then. I’ll see you around, James.”

He stared after as she left, his brows etched in consternation. There was something about her—something jaded. Her mother dying at this point in time was probably the worst thing for her. She had lost her sweetness and gained a sharp edge.

I’d better watch myself or I’m going to get sliced to pieces.

______________________________

June 28, 1978

______________________________

Sirius and Remus decided to have a chat halfway through the next day and they sat down in their dorm, having locked the doors already and told Peter to come up. While they were waiting for him, Sirius glanced at Remus and smiled slightly.

“You and Maria okay?”

Remus shrugged. “We’re fine.” He shifted. “We’re not in it for the long run.” He sighed. “You should have just stayed with her and saved her the trouble of dealing with me.”

Sirius sighed and shook his head. “Remus, Remus, Remus,” he said. “You haven’t shagged her yet, have you?”

Remus rolled his eyes and the doorknob turned. He pointed his wand at it and opened it. Peter poked his head in and shut it behind him, sitting down on his bed next to Sirius.

Remus locked the door and turned to his two friends. “All right. Something needs to be done.”

Peter frowned. “About what?”

Sirius hit him hard upside the head. “Prongs and Lily, you git,” he said exasperatedly. He looked at Remus. “I swear, one day I’m going to—“

“That’s enough,” Remus said sternly. “You both need to sit on opposite sides of the bed.”

Sirius and Peter moved, still glaring at each other.

“As I was saying,” Remus continued, “we can’t exactly interfere—“

“I think we should,” said Sirius. “I mean…they aren’t going to get together without our help—“

“But if we push too hard,” Remus interrupted, “we’ll ruin everything. Perhaps…perhaps irreparably.”

“You don’t really know that,” said Sirius. “For all we know, it could work like a charm. We can ask Maria to talk to Lily…she’s got to have a reason to get back together with James by now—“

Remus shifted and crossed his arms. Sirius froze and narrowed his eyes. “What do you know, Moony?”

Remus shrugged. “Nothing. Did you find anything in his room, Peter?”

Peter nodded his head fervently. “I went in yesterday but he was there and I just left—he didn’t even say anything. I went back today and found this.” He pulled out a letter from his pocket and smoothed it out, handing it to Remus. He took it and read it.

“I don’t get it,” he said. “What is this?”

Sirius snatched it and skimmed it. The blood drained from his face. “James is an idiot,” he said softly. “He’s joined the Order of Light.”

“Could you explain what that is and why it’s so bad?” Remus asked impatiently.

“It’s a secret order. It’s not known by the general public but most Dark families know about it.” Sirius smiled bitterly. “So of course any Black knows about it. Dumbledore and the Ministry know. See—they teach their members spells that have been specially formulated to work against the Dark. They go all around the world and fight evil—but they’re not the cleanest organization. There’s been some scandal about how they kill members if they become a threat—“

“Merlin,” Remus said, feeling sick. “So he’s joined?”

“It’s binding,” Sirius whispered. “Unless they let him go he can’t ever leave. And if he doesn’t show up for training now—I think he’ll die.”

Remus frowned. Despite his promise to Maria, he had been toying with the idea of telling James anyway and facing the consequences. Now it was impossible—he would stay if he found out about the baby, and then he would die. Remus sighed.

“You know something,” Sirius said again. “What is it?”

“Lily…Lily’s got a secret.”

“She’s nutters,” Sirius muttered. “If she were sane she wouldn’t have made this mess in the first place.”

“She’s hormonal,” Remus corrected.

Sirius’s head shot up. “What?”

“She’s pregnant,” Remus clarified. Peter gasped and Sirius jumped up.

“All right. The bitch is going to have a little chat with us, right now.”

“Don’t be crude,” Remus said crossly, grabbing Sirius’s arm and pulling him down. “You can’t tell James and you can’t tell Lily you know. Maria told me not to tell you even but I guess I’ve got to.”

“So let me get this straight,” Sirius said bitterly. “She finds out she’s pregnant, finds out he’s an Amoris, breaks up with him—and then doesn’t tell him he’s going to be a father?

“I think she found out after,” Remus said quietly. “And you can’t tell James because then he’ll stay. He’s given his word to this thing in Italy—if he breaks it he’ll be screwed. If Lily doesn’t want to tell James she doesn’t want to tell him. She’s obviously decided to do this by herself.”

“So we just let it go?” asked Sirius disbelievingly.

Remus paused. “Yes,” he said after a moment, “we just…let it go.”

_____________________________

June 30, 1978

_____________________________

James surveyed the Gryffindor common room with a look of extreme distrust on his face. It was full of people dancing, drinking, and celebrating the end of the school year as he had never seen before. In seven years at Hogwarts, he had not seen a celebration such as this one.

“Get your arse down here!” yelled Sirius, lifting a bottle of some unknown substance towards James. He grabbed it and walked down the rest of the stairs.

“If McGonagall comes in here—“

“Don’t be a spoilsport,” Sirius said instantly. “And drink that,” he added absently, staring out at the crowd of people.

James downed the rest of the bottle, shaking his head as the whisky burned his throat. He felt slightly dizzy but then the world righted itself and he grinned at Sirius. “Thanks,” he said gratefully. “I needed that.”

“We’ve got one night left. Enjoy it.”

James winced. There was only one way he could enjoy this night, and the thoughts were too lewd to share with Sirius. “I will.”

He spotted Lily standing uncomfortably over by the fireplace, her arms crossed over her chest, glowering out at the crowd. She grabbed a bottle from a sixth year’s hand and snapped something at him. He scurried away, terrified, and Lily swallowed some of the drink. She spat it out and put it down on the floor.

James frowned and then laughed when someone kicked over the bottle, splattering Lily’s robes. She burst into a screaming fit and then ran upstairs. Moment later, she was ack in a new set of robes, fit to kill.

She barreled into him.

James grabbed her arms, made sure she had steadied herself, and then dropped her arms like hot coals, stepping back.

She stared at him, her face red and her bottom lip caught between her teeth. James reminded so strongly of Patel—of Adelaide—for a moment that he was staggered.

“Er…”

“Want to dance?”

She stared at him, dumbstruck. Her mouth opened on a refusal, he was sure, but then she snapped it shut and nodded shortly.

He took her wrist gently and she jangled slightly; he looked at her in askance.

She gave a little shrug and lifted the sleeve of her robes. He saw ten metal bracelets, red and orange, aligned on her right wrist. “I wanted to feel pretty,” she said softly, her tone of voice somehow matching the slow tempo of the music.

He, of course, wanted to assure her that she was always pretty, but he wasn’t precisely sure what would happen if he did.

She clasped her hands behind his neck and he placed his hesitantly on her waist. They stood, an arm’s length apart, shifting from foot to foot in a parody of a dance.

When the song ended they stood staring at each other for a moment before she smiled tightly. “Thanks, James,” she said, very quietly.

He gave her a weary nod and walked away.

“Wait!” she said, something desperate underlying her voice. He paused and turned back.

“Let’s have another dance.” She hesitated before adding. “For old times’ sake.”

He locked his eyes on hers and shrugged, moving closer. He took her hand again and smiled at the jangle of her bracelets as he pulled her slightly closer.

“Is this okay?” he asked tentatively.

She smiled tremulously. “It’s fine.”

The only difference in their positions was that James’s hands were now wrapped fully around her waist.

One more dance became two, two became three, three became four. Each dance saw them moving steadily closer to each other, until they were as close as they could possibly be, hanging on to each other for dear life. They never changed their slow pace, even when the dancers around them were moving quickly to the beat the two of them did not hear.

There was a crash. Lily tried to pull away but James held tight, knowing this would most probably never happen again.

“I should go see…”

“Sirius will do something,” James said hoarsely.

She shook her head. “This is wrong…” She looked up at him. “When are you leaving? For that job?”

“Tomorrow,” he said quietly. “I’m…I’m going to Italy.”

That tattoo on his arm burned and he winced. He knew what it was: a warning not to say anything else.

“Why Italy?”

He shrugged. “I’m half Italian. I wanted to see my roots.” In truth, he wanted to work out where he was going to live and what he was going to do in Italy until his training began. If he stayed in England, he would only be closer to Lily, and the temptation to see her would be even harder to resist.

She gave him a half-smile and his spirits lifted slightly.

“Well—“ She made to turn away but he quickly caught her wrist for no particular reason at all. He held tight and he felt something crack under his hand just as she winced. He snatched his hand away, fearing he had hurt her, and lifted her sleeve.

Something metal crumbled and fell to the floor. Only eight of her bracelets were left; two lay broken, embedded in the thick rug that blanketed the common room floor. There was a small scratch on her wrist that was oozing blood where the metal had cut her.

Without thinking, he brought her wrist up to his mouth and kissed the spot right near her cut before pressing his thumb over it and applying pressure. He pulled it away a moment later and aside from the small smear of blood, he had stemmed the flow.

“I think this is pointless,” she breathed, as a slower song began to blare out from the walls.

“What?”

“Us, dancing around each other…” Lily winced as she caught the pun but said nothing about it. Neither did he. She looked up at him, her eyes clear but sad. “We both know I love you to pieces—“

“And I love you—“

“So what are we trying to avoid?” she said breathlessly.

He frowned and pulled her tightly to him. She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed, sagging against him with relief. They remained like that until people began to leave for their dorms.

They finally pulled away and looked at each other, faces flushed.

“One night,” she whispered. “We have one night.”

“It won’t change anything,” he warned after a moment.

She looked down. “Of course.”

He leaned forward and kissed her softly, tasting the drink she had spat out earlier, and then he took her hand and led her out of the common room, to their last night together for a long time.

Maria, Remus, and Sirius were splayed out on top of Sirius’s bed, a bowl of pepperimps between them and bottles of butterbeer in their hands. It made the most interesting combination. The awkwardness between Maria and Sirius had not been dispelled, but they had decided to put it aside in their interest of the last night they would ever have together, even as friends.

“Shouldn’t you two be shagging each other senseless right now?” asked Sirius after a pause in the conversation.

Maria rolled her eyes but Remus flushed.

“You still haven’t? You’re bloody mad.”

“You’re both leaving tomorrow,” Maria said. “What’s the point of sleeping together and getting attached if he’s just going to leave? It’s been what—a week and a half since Remus and I started dating?”

“You and Remus are pretty attached from where I’m standing,” Sirius said under his breath, but they both heard him anyways.

“I’m right here,” Remus interrupted.

“Where’s James?” Maria asked, changing the subject.

Sirius frowned and looked over at his friend’s bed, which was empty. “You know what, I don’t know. I went downstairs a second ago and everyone was gone.”

Remus frowned. “Then where is he? Maria, what’s wrong? Why are you so quiet all of a sudden?”

Maria closed her eyes, a contented smile on her face. “Isn’t it obvious? James is with Lily.”

“How do you know that?” Remus queried.

Maria kicked him lightly in the shin and entwined her hand with his. “If you were still in love with your ex-girlfriend and you knew she was still in love with you, what would you do on the last night you’re likely to see her?”

“Ah,” said Remus. “I get it.”

Sirius let out a laugh. “They’ll end up together in the end. You know they will.”

Maria looked worried all of a sudden. “But…the end of what?”

Sirius and Remus exchanged worried glances, knowing trouble was ahead.

26. Chapter Twenty-Four: Never to Forget

I own nothing.

Chapter 24: Never To Forget

[Brand New, The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot]

______________________________

July 1, 1978

______________________________

Lily rolled over and encountered something quite warm and unquestionably solid.

She opened her eyes and tilted her head back, feeling both more relaxed and sated than she had in the past month and a half. She ran her fingertips lightly over James’s chest and he stirred, throwing an arm over her waist. She eased herself away so he wouldn’t touch her slightly swollen belly, and then she smiled lazily

She was going to be fine. Whether she told James or not—she was going to be fine.

She looked at his arm, spotting the strange tattoo. It moved, almost, as if taking in all the light around it and using it to animate itself. She touched it hesitantly, letting its warmth seep through her. Her eyelids drooped and she pulled her fingers away, confused. She had never seen anything like it.

And aside from that, why did he have such a tattoo anyway? She knew it had something to do with his job in Italy, but what was his job in Italy?

He opened his eyes slowly and looked around groggily before he focused on her. He grinned like the Cheshire Cat and tightened his arm, pulling her closer.

“Last night…” he began.

“Was lovely,” Lily finished, intertwining her fingers with his. She turned over and he immediately spooned against her, sighing into her hair.

“It was,” he agreed. “It was very lovely.” He ran a hand up the side of her ribcage and pulled the sheet up against the chill of the early morning, sliding his other hand down to take her free one and clasping them just below her breasts. Lily’s breath caught as his hand moved downwards—toward her slightly swollen belly. She gasped and rolled away; he rolled with her, sliding his lips playfully along her cheekbone.

“James,” she said softly, “please…”

And suddenly she was back—nine days ago, when she had said exactly the same thing to him, pleading for help—

She fought for breath, thrashing beneath his body. He stopped kissing her and pulled away, pushing her arms down to the bed to keep her from hitting him.

“Lily—breathe, come on! What’s wrong?”

She choked and wheezed; curling up in a fetal position and feeling his hand run into her hair. His other hand pressed down hard on the small of her back, and a shock went through her. Her air passages cleared and she lay there, utterly spent for no reason at all.

“Lily—“

“I’m sorry,” she gasped out. “I don’t know what happened.”

He was looking at her strangely, as if he had never seen her before, and the absurdity of the situation hit Lily. They had broken up—she had broken them up, and there was no denying it. There were just fooling themselves like this, lying in bed and still pretending to be a couple.

We’ll always be a couple, Lily found herself thinking wistfully, but she pushed the errant thought away and looked up at him. “I’m fine, really.”

The comfort was gone. He was awkward now, shifting his eyes anywhere but her. She caught his hand and squeezed it and he paused.

“We’re just going to pretend this didn’t happen,” she ordered softly.

He shut his eyes and shook his head, sighing. “We’ve got some dramatic lives, Lily.”

She laughed. “We have.”

“I’m…” he started, looking lost. “I’m really sorry. I guess I just couldn’t…I couldn’t love you properly. I keep on thinking I should have done something better, tried harder—“

“I should have tried harder,” Lily interrupted. “In the end, this is really all my fault, and we both know it. If I hadn’t—I mean…” She took a deep breath. “Look at what Adelaide said: you didn’t leave England and our…son killed us. Maybe if you leave—and then if you come back we might…”

Something fleeting stole across his face but it was gone is just an instant. “I’m not coming back,” he said, and Lily froze.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t think I’m coming back. What I’m saying is that this job of mine is binding. I’ve got to stay—“ He broke off and hesitated. “I’m sorry, Lily—I wasn’t really thinking properly when I accepted—“

“Whose fault is that?” Lily asked quietly, fighting the stinging behind her eyes. She slid her hands around his neck and pulled him down for a gentle kiss. He collapsed on top of her and laid there, a welcome deadweight.

“I’m squashing you,” he said, his voice muffled against her shoulder.

“I like it,” she whispered, stroking his hair. “Don’t move.”

They remained like that until they absolutely had to get up and go to breakfast. They showered one after the other and dressed, meeting each other at the portrait hole. They lingered there, reluctant to leave.

“You go first,” he said courteously, and she left the room. He walked beside her down to the Great Hall and they ignored the hush that fell at their joint arrival. James sat between Sirius and Peter; Lily sat next to Maria, across from the other three.

Lily picked at her breakfast and Maria poked her. “Eat. You need to keep your strength up.”

Lily cleared her throat, noticing James’s curious gaze.

Suddenly, a loud explosion behind the teachers table startled everyone into alertness. Lily’s hand went immediately to her wand, as did Maria’s, and several people screamed. Peter gave a little squeak but then relaxed, and Sirius and Remus laughed. James merely smiled, his gazed pinned on Lily. She slumped in her seat with relief.

“You are unbelievable,” she told her friends, watching the fireworks behind the teachers. Pink dust was steadily falling onto Professor Boot’s black hair, his pride and joy. Lily stifled a giggle.

“Thank you,” she said gratefully. “You’re the best at making me laugh.”

“We live to serve, Lily,” Sirius said, with a little bow.

“Well thanks all the same,” Lily said thoughtfully, as James’s eyes found her again. She met his eyes across the table and smiled, looking back down at her breakfast and enjoying Boot’s yells about the vile color pink, on her last morning as a student of Hogwarts.

“Please rise for the class of 1978.”

There was rustling of cloth as every person in the room stood. Lily processed in first with James at her side, leading their year-mates behind them, girls on one side, boys on the other. Lily had sat through six of these ceremonies, and what should have been one of the most memorable days of her life was the worst.

They weren’t ever coming back.

Lily shuddered, pushing that thought away. Errant thoughts were popping into her mind all the time now. She stood a little straighter and crumpled her speech in her fist.

James looked down at the crackle of parchment and gently took her hand, prying it open and picking up her dirty and abused speech. He skimmed it and his eyes went wide. “We had to prepare speeches? I was just going to present—” He went quiet and looked away.

Lily stared at him. Every year, the Head Boy and the Head Girl did a speech.

Not anymore. This was to be the last graduation ceremony at Hogwarts. The Headmaster had informed that that they would no longer take place, but Lily didn’t know why.

“Yes,” she whispered, snatching hers back from him. “Do you have anything?”

Just then, Professor Dumbledore called them up, and shaking, Lily stepped up with James, who was white as a sheet.

“H-hello,” Lily said, and then pointed at her throat, saying, “Sonorus!”

“Hello.”

Everyone quieted down. Lily spread out her speech and pressed it on the podium, trying to straighten it.

“It’s been quite a year,” she began. “Every year since I started, I watched this ceremony take place. It’s sad to know that it won’t be held in the future, due to circumstances beyond our control.

“Graduating from a school such as this is one of the best experiences I could…I could hope for. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, and now that I’m here it’s surreal…”

Lily’s speech flew out of her mind. It was useless. Every word of it was useless. Silence fell and pressed down on her. James nudged her and she started, an idea coming to her.

“It’s surreal,” she said firmly, “that I’m standing up here with the Head Boy and I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life.”

James winced. Lily pressed on. “The past seven years have been the best of my life. They passed quickly—too quickly. I can’t even begin to describe the loss—the loss of my best friends. Everything that’s happened here has shaped me, and the experience will continued to define who I am even after I’ve left. I hope all of you can learn to cherish the moments you will have with each other and with your families. It will be worth it in the end. Thank you. Quietus.”

There was a shocked silence, and then someone began to clap. It turned into an all-out roar and Lily blushed, stepping back. James took her hand behind the podium, where people couldn’t see, and squeezed it hard.

“I wasn’t exactly prepared for this,” he confessed to the audience. “I guess I want to agree with Lily. Everything she said is right. The things that happen within these walls—“ He gestured around with his free hand, “are magical. This place…is pure magic. It’s in the very stones—the trees, the rocks, even in the supply of firewhiskey Sirius uses to spike the punch with—“

There was a chuckle that rolled through the room. Lily marveled at his ability to come up with a speech on the spot.

“You are all perfect…in your own way,” he said firmly, wincing as he looked at the Slytherins, as if regretting the words. “All of us—we’re the future. We’ve got to do the right thing, because we’re not living in the best of times. There are people out there who would hurt us, people who would hurt us in the school itself, and you’ve got to be careful. I hope I’ll be making a speech that tells you to do the exact opposite—to just have fun and let loose—ten years from now at our reunion. Stay alert—but have fun. Have as much fun as you can here, before you join the real world...

“The real world isn’t a pretty place right now. This year we…we lost two of our students to the real world, unjustly and too early. Their lives were just beginning, and they were…they were cruelly ended, by a student at this very school.” James took a deep breath and Lily pressed against his side. “These people need to be remembered, and they will be. This will hang in the Great Hall.”

He took out his wand and said “Accio.” His invisibility cloak flew into his hands and he quickly stuffed it away, picking up the large object he had uncovered. It was a plaque. Lily stepped forward and ran her hand over the engraved words, shutting her eyes and trying not to think about Sunny—and Ana…Ana who she tried to block out because it had been her who had wielded the wand, whether she had been under a spell or not.

The dead cannot cry out for justice;

it is a duty of the living to do so for them.

Sunny Chi and Ana Figg.

May you remember us as we will remember you,

For the dead never truly leave us.

We will see you beyond the veil.

He paused, but Lily knew he wasn’t done yet.

“Don’t let people take from you what you deserve,” he said quietly. “Don’t go along with what people say—fight for what you want and need. Be yourself—your wonderful selves—and remember us and the message we’re trying to give you.” He looked at the seventh years, sitting there looking up at him, for the most part. “We did it, and we’re going to take the world by storm. I present to you the graduating class of 1978, and I’ll see you ten years from now.”

Thunderous applause filled the room. Lily watched in amazement as every person in the room stood, even Boot with his pink hair, and clapped.

She didn’t care anymore. Let the rumors fly. Let the people think what they wanted to think. In front of everyone, on impulse, she tugged James’s hand and met his lips with hers, crying so hard she could barely breathe. “Goodbye,” she whispered. “Goodbye.”

The train ride was relatively uneventful. The Marauders were more playful than they had been for the past year, and there were several finds of spiders and snakes that disappeared within seconds (“Black!” “Lupin!” “Potter!”).

They were quite suddenly at King’s Cross.

Remus hugged Lily first, drawing her tightly into his arms and giving her a firm, sturdy hug. “I’m sorry about what I said that night in common room. I shouldn’t have said you had done enough—“

“But you were right,” Lily said amusedly.

Remus allowed a little smile. “Even so, it wasn’t really my place to say, and I’m sorry. If you—if you need a place to stay, tell me. I’m staying with Sirius for a couple of months—and if you need anything at all—“

“I will,” she assured him. Impulsively, she leaned forward and kissed Remus’s cheek lightly. He gave her another squeeze and stepped away, towards Maria.

Peter came up to her next, giving her a very quick hug and a mumbled goodbye. Sirius grabbed her and swung her around in an imitation waltz.

“Lily, my dearest,” he said theatrically. “You know if you need a thing you can come to me—“

“You’re an oaf,” she said with a laugh. “Stop.”

He gave her a quick peck on the cheek and hugged her. “Don’t hesitate. If you’re down or you need help—you better come to me, all right?”

Lily wiped away silly tears and nodded. Sirius left her and she stood there, feeling forlorn and incomplete. But James appeared, and she knew what had been missing.

Quite suddenly Lily threw herself at James and hugged him fiercely. “Don’t go,” she whispered. “Don’t leave me.”

“Lily,” he breathed, clutching her tightly. “I’m sorry.”

“Write to me, all right? Just write to me about nonsense, just so I know you’re alive. And if I go three days without a letter from you I’m coming up there to find you—you hear me?”

James laughed feebly and dashed a hand quickly across his eyes, shocking Lily. She had hardly before seen tears fall from his eyes and she watched eagerly for some other sign of visual sorrow. There were none.

Lily stepped back but James hugged her again. She breathed in his smell and a thought hatched itself in her mind, sliding through her coolly, as if invading her very veins and replacing her blood. One thing could keep him here—one thing about her could keep him in England, keep him forever by her side.

“I’m—“ She stopped and cut herself off with a gasp. What kind of person was she, conniving to keep him in her clutches for just a little longer? Better to keep her mouth shut and let him be, let him find himself in Italy.

He let her go. “Goodbye, Lily,” he said with a weak smile.

Just say it!

But he walked off, and Lily gritted her teeth and kept her hand over her belly, preventing herself from saying the only words that would let her keep him.

“Daddy?”

Lily’s father turned and looked around, his eyes finally focusing on her and growing wide.

“Lily,” he said, very softly. “My little Lily.”

Her father’s normally neatly combed and gleaming hair was dull and unkempt. He put a hand on her shoulder.

“Come on, dad,” Lily said brightly, fighting off the darkness. “We’ve got to get home.”

Her father stood still, looking around the train station. Lily paused, quite suddenly remembering that her parents had met at this train station.

I met James at this station. He introduced himself to me and I forgot his name, but all the same, I met him here…

She led her father out to the car park and loaded her trunk into the car. She helped her father into the passenger side and got into the driver’s seat. She did not have a license, but her father had taught her how to drive the previous summer.

After a harrowing drive through London’s streets, Lily helped her father out of the car, wondering how he had gotten to the station in the first place if he was so out of it. She helped him inside and sat him down on a couch. “Do you want something to drink? Tea? Water?”

He shook his head and then nodded. She went to the kitchen and brewed a pot of tea, staring out into the garden. It was surreal to be back here, as if she had never left.

She had left though, and she wasn’t sure she should have.

The water boiled and she strained it through the leaves, carrying it out to her father. He was asleep. She set the cup down and stared at him, putting her hand protectively over her belly. She had not once thought what her parents—parent—would think about her pregnancy. What would they think of James?

She backed out of the living room and went straight to her bedroom, gasping for air. She took two steadying breaths to calm down. Her head ached. She pressed her fingers to her temples and frowned, wondering where he sister was. A sudden slamming of the door downstairs answered her question.

“Dad? I’m here! Did you get her yet? I can only stay fro a little bit today—Vernon wants me to come home and make dinner. She can eat with you!”

Lily smirked at her sister’s inability to say her name and descended the stairs.

“Oh, it’s you,” Petunia said, throwing her light jacket on a chair and fanning her face. “Where’s dad?”

Lily nodded towards the living room and Petunia went into the room. She came out a moment later and pushed past Lily to get up the stairs.

“Petty,” Lily said quietly, taking her sister’s arm, “how are things?”

Petunia wrenched her arm away and didn’t answer.

“Petty!” Lily said, her voice fading at the end as her sister ignored her and slammed the door to her room. Lily let out a sound of frustration and went back up to the room, throwing herself down on her bed and remembering just why she had always been so happy to leave this house in the first place.

She lay in the light of the dying sun and looked up at her ceiling, drifting off to sleep simply because she had nothing else to do.

______________________________

July 10, 1978

______________________________

Lily had no idea what she was doing.

She found herself on an airplane for the first time in five years, heading for a country she had never been to before and also towards people who she had only met once, people who were ten times more likely to be loyal to James than to her.

She should have been with her father—helping him when he really needed her. She did not feel like much of a good daughter—she felt that she had failed, somehow, to keep her mother alive and her father’s life intact.

Was this how Adelaide felt?

Lily pushed that thought away. She didn’t really want to think about where Adelaide was, or even if Adelaide was still alive. Did this mean the other world had been totally undone, or just that it continued on as if it had never been put to rights?

She was getting a headache just thinking about, and she was staring into space when a flight attendant asked her if she wanted anything to drink.

“Pumpkin juice would be fine,” she said absentmindedly.

“Pardon?”

“I said,” she began irritably, finally looking at the attendant and the remembering she was a Muggle. “…pumpkin juice. But I really meant—pineapple juice!”

The flight attendant gave her a strange look and set down a cup of yellow liquid. Lily sipped it and made a face; she had always hated pineapple juice.

She supposed she got that from her mother.

Stop!

Lily was extremely confused as to what her father and sister were feeling. Aside from his absentmindedness that day at the station, he had been fine. Indeed, the morning after, he had woken up and greeted her as if nothing had happened, and he had remained cheerful until the moment he had seen her off on her flight. Her sister was the polar opposite, sullen and sour and quite obviously still grieving.

Her eyes drooped but she fought to keep them open. Gravity won out in the end and she dozed, only waking when the pilot announced that they were landing. She watched through a haze as the descended on the spider web network of lines below and shifted uncomfortably. She hadn’t flown on a broom in weeks and she was forgetting why she had gotten over her terror of heights. The hit the runway with a jolt and rushed along the landing strip so fast her ears popped.

Lily waited until they had come to a complete stop and then extracted her carry on bag from the overhead bin, bringing the strap up over her head. She kept out her passport and her baggage claim ticket before disembarking from the plane and entering the airport.

She went through baggage claim, picking up her worn green traveling case and rolling it behind her. She got through customs with no problem and then waited outside, looking around for a familiar face.

“Lily?”

She turned eagerly and almost didn’t recognize Emily, she had grown so much. She stuttered out a hello to the girl in front of her and then hugged her.

“Emily! You look so different!”

Emily giggled. “I think it’s the water. Or the food.” She flushed, all the way up across her razor sharp cheekbones, which Lily would kill for. “I’m still flat as a board though,” she whispered, leaning in.

Lily felt a stab of guilt at the satisfaction of that, since her own chest was nothing to sneeze at. At least she had that one thing over Emily. Emily may be fourteen—but she was beautiful…perhaps even prettier than Maria because of the innocence behind her eyes. Her blue eyes were clear and her dark hair was shiny—she could even have been Maria’s sister. However, she didn’t carry herself with Maria’s confidence and she was thinner and taller, almost gangly. Her face, though, was picture perfect.

“So—you’re fourteen, right?”

Emily shook her head, taking hold of Lily’s suitcase and dragging it over to the doors. “Yes. But I’m turning fifteen in August.” They walked out into the night air and Lily coughed at the smog.

“Lily!” said Evelyn, hugging her warmly. Lily clung to her for dear life, just for a second imagining this was her mother she had her arms around.

Evelyn pulled away and stepped back, surveying Lily.

“You’ve got to eat more, my dear,” she said gently. “Haven’t you been taking care of yourself?”

Lily shook her head. “I was too busy taking care of my dad.”

Evelyn’s eyes flickered with sympathy and she sighed. “It will get better,” she said softly. “The pain will recede. It’ll be there—but you won’t feel it as much.”

“She’s right,” Emily added, stowing Lily’s traveling case in the boot of a car.

Lily remembered that Emily had lost a parent as well.

It was a two hour drive out to their house, in Linnisbrook, Connecticut. They spent the drive chattering about Hogwarts, where Lily was headed, and how Emily had been doing in school. Unconsciously, they avoided the subject of James, although Evelyn kept on glancing at Lily worriedly.

They stopped in front of a small two story house with blue shutters and gray clapboarding. Emily hopped out of the car first and took out Lily’s suitcase, carrying it inside before Lily could protest. Lily and Evelyn followed her inside.

The interior was cool and refreshing after the muggy heat of the night. Emily led Lily up to a bedroom and opened the door, revealing an airy room with blue décor.

“You’re in here. I’m right next door, and mum’s just up the hall.”

Lily nodded. “Thanks.” Emily turned to leave but Lily grabbed her arm. “Wait—do you have any photo albums that I could perhaps look at?”

Emily nodded slowly. “Yes. I’ll bring them in just a moment.”

Lily would much rather have looked at them alone, but she nodded and went into the room. She had brought enough clothes for three weeks, figuring she could wash them for the last. She began taking out items and un-shrinking them, putting them away into closets and drawers.

There was a knock on the door and Lily turned as Emily walked in, a few albums in her hands. She set them down on the bed and smiled. “I asked mum for some and she found more. These are from a couple of years ago though.”

Lily nodded and sat down across from Emily on the bed. The other girl pulled out an album that said 1973 on the cover. “This is the earliest one my mum has with James in it,” she explained. “They were all out enemies until he turned thirteen.”

Lily wanted to protest and say that she didn’t only want to see James, but she didn’t have the energy to lie. Emily flipped over the cover. The first picture was of James, small, gangly, and just as she remembered him in third year, looking down at the ground. Sirius stood just in the corner, waving out at Lily. Slowly, James looked up, saw Lily watching, and scurried into the frame, his face red. Lily laughed.

“He fancied you something awful,” Emily remarked turning the page. These were all pictures of things Lily remembered. He had obviously sent home photographs from his third year. They went through the other two albums, sometimes laughing at a prank Sirius had played on James or vice versa. The last book was filled to bursting with pictures of Remus, Sirius, and Peter.

Emily shut the book with a snap and picked up another. “This one’s…special. His mother started it. He keeps the best pictures in here and normally takes it with him, but he forgot it this year because I had it in my room. I’ve been adding pictures all year, really.”

She reverently opened the book, running a hand over the first picture and smoothing out the wrinkles in the covering.

Lily’s mind reeled.

“Who—who is that?”

Emily looked at her strangely. “That’s his mum, Aurelia. Haven’t you ever seen a picture before?”

You named her Aurelia Elizabeth, after your mothers…isn’t that a pretty name?

“No,” Lily said curtly, pulling the book towards her and looking closer. Aurelia was beautiful—and she was Adelaide. James was a male version of his mother with what she assumed was his father’s hair. Aurelia was holding him, a baby who was only recognizable by his hair. His mother looked tired, and she was in a bed, her eyes shining as she looked at baby. The sight made Lily’s heart ache.

The next picture was one of James when he was a baby. He was chubby—but his hair still stuck up in all directions. He had a smudge of something red—perhaps sauce—on his upper lip, and he was banging on pots and pans with a spoon. Lily laughed and reached out a hand to touch the hair in the picture.

The next was taken outside, and the light was rather shabby. The idea was wonderful though. James looked slightly older now, perhaps two or three, and he was in his father’s arms. His dad took his arm and waved it at the camera, beaming.

The following picture was black and white and had a slightly faded look to it. It was one of James’s parents at a younger age. They looked to be on the quidditch pitch at Hogwarts, and a cheering crowd stood off to the side. Aurelia was wearing a jacket that was too big for her and Henry—she thought that was his name—was shivering slightly.

“He didn’t play that game. He was injured. James…he has that jacket, you know. His mother kept it all those years and never gave it back to Henry—“

They were looking at each other much like Lily imagined she and James looked at each other.

Lily flipped the page quickly and swept tears from her eyes.

“Who’s that?”

Emily hesitated. “That’s Lucius Malfoy’s father. He was…an acquaintance of Aurelia’s. He also…he helped to kill her. He let You-Know-Who in.”

Lily winced. “And who’s that?”

Emily’s face hardened. “That’s my father.”

Lily studied the picture more closely. This one was colored and done tastefully, as if the photographer had known what he was doing.

Aurelia stood in a kitchen. Seated at a table were Lucius Malfoy’s father, Evelyn, and the man Emily identified as her father.

“What’s his name?”

Emily sighed. “Antonin Dolohov. He’s a Death Eater. He was actually a very nice person—he loved James, but then he went bad. I don’t know why and I don’t care. He left my mum when I was three, so I don’t know him. He’s…he’s in America right now.”

Lily looked at her, but the girl’s face was set. There would be no more talking about this subject. She turned the page and laughed.

This one was taken years later. James was probably about six or so, and so was the dark-haired boy sitting next to him. They sat at opposite ends of a picnic table, both covered in mud and both pouting. Occasionally they would sneak glares at each other.

“That’s Sirius,” Emily said. “They hated each other but his parents were friends with my dad so they were always over here. Sirius was very mean to James. That’s me over there. Dolohov left the day this picture was taken.”

There was a little girl in the corner toddling around. She tripped over a tree stump and fell down, crying. Lily smiled.

They went through picture after picture. There were next to none of James when he was seven, eight, or nine.

“His mum died when he was seven,” Emily said softly. “His dad married my mum when he was ten and when I was seven. There was no one to take pictures before that, so we don’t have any of him until the wedding.”

The wedding pictures went by, and then they saw one from Hogwarts. It was soon after James had left Lily on the roof, because it was Halloween time. Sirius and James had become friends on Halloween, that much Lily knew. There were only a few from his other years at Hogwarts, but the picture from his fifth and sixth years were abundant.

“Lily…he didn’t stalk you,” Emily said before turning the page.

She gasped. It was a montage of pictures of her, most of them blurry. In half of them she was yelling at him.

“Wow…”

Emily nodded. “That’s it. Wait.” There was one sticking out from the back. Emily grabbed it and smiled slightly, handing it to Lily. It was one of the two of them together. James was seventeen—he was opening his Hogwarts letter and a Head Boy badge fell out. Emily was watching him. As Lily looked on, James picked Emily up and swung her around. She laughed and hugged him. Tears sprang to Lily’s eyes.

“Oh, Emily…you’ve had such a wonderful relationship with James. My sister and I…we…don’t get along at all.”

Emily had a strange look on her face. She was running her fingers along the back cover of the book. She grabbed her wand from her pocket and muttered a charm, and a slit appeared.

“You can use magic?”

Emily nodded absently and reached her fingers and pulled out a few pictures. She stared at them wordlessly before handing them to Lily.

There were three. They weren’t the clearest photos—if you didn’t develop wizarding photos in wizarding developing potion, they came out slightly fuzzy. One was of Maria, curled up on the common room couch asleep. The next was of Maria and James, standing with Sirius and Remus in the courtyard laughing over something. Lily stood in the background with Sunny, watching them.

The last was solely of Lily. She was sitting against a tree, reading a book with the most rapturous expression on her face, squinting to see in the low light of the evening. Lily blinked away sudden tears, wishing James had this picture with him right now.

“Lily—are you alright? Because you’ve been acting strange. What’s wrong with you and my brother?”

The way Emily said it—my brother—made it impossible for Lily to lie.

“I’m almost three months pregnant,” she said after a second, “and we broke up.”

Emily gasped and put her hands over her mouth. “No! Lily—“

“And you can’t tell him because then he’ll come back—and he’s not allowed to come back.”

“I won’t,” Emily said hastily. “But…what are you going to do?”

Lily shook her head. “I don’t know. When I go back to England I’m filling in for a teacher for a few months. Maria knows and I think she told Remus—they were going out—and I think he told Sirius and Peter. No one told James, and no one is going to.”

Emily nodded.

“Can I sleep?” Lily asked softly, looking up.

Emily nodded. She gathered up all the albums but left the picture of Lily alone, leaving the room and closing the door.

______________________________

July 21, 1978

______________________________

Emily ended up writing a letter to James, informing him of Lily’s pregnancy, but she shoved it into her desk drawer and waited to see what happened. She had a good feeling that Lily would crack, and hopefully she would tell James herself.

“Emily?”

She gasped and looked up, seeing her mother in the doorway.

“Hi mum,” she said her voice unnaturally high.

“I don’t want to know,” Evelyn said dryly, shaking her head. “Supper’s ready. Come down.”

Emily followed her mother down the stairs, looking back at the drawer where that letter sat, burning a hole in the desk. She sat down at her normal seat at the square table, across from Lily and next to her mother.

Lily was only picking at her food tonight, shifting it around on her plate. Evelyn kept up a constant chatter; she was a socialite, and she had the skill to talk for hours on end about nothing.

“Evelyn, I have something to tell you,” Lily said, interrupting Emily’s mother while she was yattering on about the next-door-neighbor’s bulldog. Her fork hit her plate with a clatter and Emily winced.

Evelyn raised knowing eyes and met Lily’s. “You do? What’s that?”

Lily put her napkin down. “You’ve both been great. You took me in without even asking why I needed a place to stay. But I need to go back home. My dad—I get the strangest feeling that he needs me. And there’s something I need to tell him.”

Evelyn nodded slowly. “I can’t say I want you to go. You don’t look well enough yet—but if you must, you must. We’ll miss you. Would you like me to arrange a portkey for you, so you can go back right away?”

Lily nodded. “That’s not all.”

Evelyn set her fork and sighed. “What else?”

Lily flicked a glance at Emily. “Er…James and I broke up.”

“That’s it?” Evelyn asked.

Lily nodded firmly. “That’s it.”

Emily stared.

“I’ll get right on that portkey.”

Lily dropped her suitcase on the floor with a thud and looked around her living room. “I’m back!”

There was no answer. Lily dragged her suitcase up to her room and left it on her bed. She went to her parents’—now only her father’s—room, and opened the door quietly.

Her dad was sitting on the bed, trying to fix his tie. He looked up when she walked in.

“Lily? You aren’t due back for another two weeks!”

Lily shrugged. “I wanted to come home.”

“Was it fun?”

“It was wonderful,” Lily told him, and then stepped forward to tie his tie.

There was a question hanging in the air.

“Is there something you want to ask me, Dad?”

“What happened to James?” he asked, his voice heavy.

Lily stopped breathing and her fingers stilled on his tie. She briskly began again. “We broke up. I broke up with him.”

Richard sighed and his shoulders slumped. “Lily…I actually liked him.”

Lily laughed weakly and changed the subject. “Where are you going?”

He sighed. “Dinner with a few clients. Petunia’s gone to some godforsaken place with that husband of hers. Will you be all right by yourself?”

Lily nodded. “Of course.” She finished the tie but her fingers lingered. She brought them up to trace the familiar lines of his face. “Oh, Dad…”

“Your mother,” he said hoarsely, “was the best thing to ever happen to me. You two were the best thing to ever happen to me. I would never take back those years—or take back having you and your sister. I love you…please tell me what happened to James.”

“It’s over,” she said vaguely.

“He asked me if he could marry you,” her father burst out. Lily’s head shot up and she gaped at him. “Things like that with boys like him don’t just end.”

Lily really just wanted her father to accept it. She wanted him to be on her side.

“Dad—“

“Look,” he said loudly. “You can’t just break up with him—please…Lily, you’ve got to be happy. I’ve nothing else to live for but your happiness…and if he—marry him, have his children…have children and be happy…”

“Daddy,” Lily whispered, wrapping her arms around him. “I’m pregnant.”

Dear James,

Happy birthday.

Lily’s three months pregnant. Just thought you should know. No pressure to COME BACK or anything.

Love,

Your sister, Emily.

Because in the end, Emily rationalized when she sent off the owl, while Lily had been wonderful for the past eleven days and Emily wanted to keep her confidence, James was her brother, and if his best friends weren’t going to tell him, she sure as hell would.

Because blood—and James was her blood, no matter what other people thought—is thicker than water.

Much thicker.

And the plot thickens. Please reviiiiiiiieeeeeeeeew.

27. Chapter Twenty-Five: Those Crazy Summer Days

I own nothing.

Chapter 25: Those Crazy Summer Days

[Unbreak My Heart, by Toni Braxton]

James stood in front of the plaque that had just been hung in the Great Hall, disgusted with himself. He had forgotten—forgotten!—to put Amy Duncan on the plaque. He surreptitiously took out his wand and looked around the milling hall, before waving his wand and adding Amy’s name.

It still felt fake. He should have remembered earlier.

He raised his hands and ran his fingers over the engraved words, almost crying with frustration. They should have graduated today. They had been such a loss…

And Lily kissing him up on that stage because he had made this plaque? He could say—not safely, though—that he would give up that kiss, just to have these three people alive today. It would be a hard choice, but he knew what his decision would be.

“James? Mate, the train’s going to leave soon. You’ve got to come.”

James looked up at Remus and nodded. “I’m coming. You say goodbye to Maria, yet?”

Remus shook his head. “We’ve still got the train ride.” He looked slightly sick.

“You’ll see each other again.”

Remus laughed. “I know. I just…I know, all right? Let’s go.”

James followed his friend down to the carriages and looked out the window until they reached the station, where they grabbed their trunks and boarded the train. Halfway through the ride, Remus left, presumably to find Maria, and Peter went to the loo. Lily was nowhere to be seen, although James was keeping a sharp eye out for her.

“Do you remember when we first became friends?” Sirius asked.

James laughed. “Oh, yes. I remember.”

Sirius grinned. “Strange night, that Halloween. Everything strange happens on Halloween. Maybe we’re cursed.”

James grinned back. “I can safely say that becoming your best friend was a true curse.”

“Thank you,” Sirius said, very seriously.

“No,” James replied, very quietly. “Thank you.”

____________________________

July 22, 1978

____________________________

On the day after his birthday, James woke with a groan and tried to remember his dream, which he knew starred Sirius, Remus, and the Great Hall of Hogwarts. He stretched his aching muscles and blinked, glancing at his clock and cursing. He could have spent half an hour more asleep. He was already sleep deprived: allowed to sleep only from ten until six. Every other moment of his day was put towards training, and occasionally food.

On this particular morning, James got up and walked into the shared bathrooms. He went to the row of sinks and the splashed his face with cold water. He looked over at the showers and cringed. He wasn’t in the mood today.

His room was at the top of the palazzo, along with nine other men. The floors were white marble—almost everything was marble or granite or some other sort of stone,

He passed by Jack O’Connell, what one could call his friend, and slapped Jack’s hand before going to his own room and changing. He grabbed his identification card and began the terribly long walk to the mess hall, underneath the six-floor palazzo. The top three floors housed trainees, the next two trainers, the ground floor the main office. Underneath the Mess Hall were the catacombs, where all the training took place.

He felt like he was in the army. The Mess Hall, for Merlin’s sake.

Jack, whose legs were twice the size of James’s, caught up to him just after he had started. They walked in silence for the next ten minutes, the morning sun shining on their faces as they passed by the many windows.. James felt strange this morning—he couldn’t place it at all, but he knew something important was going to happen.

The post came in at precisely six thirty, halfway through breakfast, pouring in through the large space in the ceiling that led to the ground floor. James was surprised to see Emily’s owl swoop down next to him, ruffling her gray feathers and hooting indignantly.

James frowned. Dove’s feathers—which he had always seen neatly preened—were mussed, almost as if she had been—attacked. Even the wind didn’t mess up her feathers like that.

Who would want to read his mail?

He took the note from Dove’s talons and she began to eat from his plate of bacon. The sealing wax was still intact. He undid the seal and read the note, which wished him love from Emily and Evelyn and bade him happy birthday.

“Hey, Jack. D’you have any idea why an owl would be searched?”

Jack pushed away his plate and shrugged. His huge hands ran through his shortly cropped hair. “If they want to watch you, you’ll always be under surveillance. If they think you might leave if given enough incentive—then they’d search your mail and watch you.” His explanation done, he turned away, not inquiring further.

Jack was a rather strange person. He was like a rock—rather stoic, but James knew that Jack was good at heart—just…very deep in his heart.

James frowned. This nameless They had been mentioned several times since he had started training. No one knew who they were, but the trainees did know that they controlled everything in this place.

“Well I’m not going back,” he said firmly. “England’s behind me.”

Jack glanced at him with a raised eyebrow and an almost feral grin. “Really? You in trouble with the law? Nah—a girl?”

James shrugged, and Jack dropped it. There were only fifteen minutes left until they had to get to the main training center.

“Ja-ames.”

“Ma-ary,” James responded automatically, smiling. “Have a good sleep?”

She slid into the chair next to James’s and Jack sighed.

“It was fine. How’s your morning been?”

James shrugged. “It’s been fine.”

Mary was the medic on staff. Unfortunately, her services were only available to those who were on the verge of dying.

James had a keen idea that the motto of the trainers was “Make them bleed, let them bandage.”

“So you heard anything from home?” Mary asked, glancing at his letter.

James shrugged. “It was my birthday yesterday…so that’s all.”

“Your eighteenth?” Mary asked. She herself had turned eighteen on the first of the month.

“Yes. You don’t—“

“Happy birthday, James,” Mary said, smiling at him.

James felt sick, knowing he would never be attracted to this girl. Even though she wasn’t officially a member of the Order, she had gone through training to be a medic for the Light. It had given her self-confidence that cancelled out her plain looks.

And yet…James didn’t care one whit. All he cared about at the moment was Lily.

He cleared his throat and smiled, excusing himself. Any little bit of happiness he had felt was now gone—gone when the thought of Lily and her hair and smile and how he would probably never see her again, and how he would never really get to know what it was like to have a little baby girl with Lily and name it Maria—

He burst through the doors to the practice courts, breathing heavily and close to—tears? He got himself under control—these people did not understand crying, and then stepped into the court, ready for another day of torture.

____________________________

August 13, 1978

____________________________

A little over three weeks later, James lay in his bed after being inducted into the Order of the Light. He could make out many boxes in the gloom around him—he would be moving out of the palazzo and into a better one—the main one—the next morning.

He felt rather empty, though, and he had the oddest feeling that he was forgetting something.

James rolled over and punched his pillow. Obviously he had to get over Lily, and the only way he could think to do that was to go out and have mind-blowing sex with another girl. Perhaps Mary.

He just…was never in the mood. He felt old, never being in the mood.

He breathed in deeply, trying to calm himself down.

He was forgetting what Lily looked like. She was so far away—no, he was so far away. If he hadn’t left—

They would have torn each other apart if he hadn’t left, he told himself firmly. It was better this way, much better. They could cool off—forget each other, and then move on.

It just…wasn’t working out the way he had thought it would. He couldn’t stop think about her and her skin and her eyes—Merlin, her eyes…

James punched his pillow again and went to sleep, not knowing the trouble that was brewing or the plans that were being made hundreds of miles away, and some that were being made on the very marble five floors below him.

He also wasn’t aware of the fact that he had forgotten Emily’s birthday, and that she was anxiously waiting for any word from him, alone, in America, while Evelyn was out with a man for the first time in nine months; and that Lily, who was a little over three months pregnant, was dreaming of him and his hair, or that someone he respected very much was going to die.

Very soon.

_____________________________

September 1, 1978

_____________________________

James stepped on a large spider with a crunch and winced, shaking his shoe to remove little bits of the spider’s legs.

Jugson, behind him, made a noise of disgust. “Honestly,” he said irritably. “Scouting the area. Scut work.”

“Shut up,” James hissed, though he was no happier about it than Jugson. “Someone’s got to do it. D’you want to do it when you’re older and experienced?

Jugson grumbled but shut up. There had been repeated reports of Dark activity in the Himalayan Mountains, and James and Jugson had to travel from Central India up to Nepal, for security purposes and to throw off anyone on their tail.

Paranoid buggers, these Light people were.

James sighed and then tripped over a rock, sprawling over the ground. He groaned and immediately got to his feet in case it was a trap.

They were in some underground tunnel in the godforsaken jungle, avoiding bugs and animals and all a manner of nasty creatures. James shuddered to think about what Indian magical creatures were like if the insects were this bad.

His hand hit something hard; it was a protruding piece of the wall. He looked closer and held his torch near the area, frowning. The protruding bit was smoother and shinier than the rest of the stone.

Jugson had been carefully inspecting the walls this entire trip, and it had been his suggestion that they enter this unknown tunnel in the first place.

James made a quick decision. “Jugson? Can you go ahead a little and leave me here? I want to clean off my shoe.”

Jugson sneered, but he eagerly went forward, leaving James to himself.

James didn’t trust Jugson one bit. He didn’t know if it was true…but he thought that perhaps Jugson was a spy. James thought it entirely possible that a 22-year old man who had been invited to join an Order of the Light could be persuaded to join the Dark and turn spy…

He took out his wand and said “Reducto!” very quietly. Everything around the protrusion exploded into tiny pieces, but the mysterious object, which appeared to be a box made of glass, was still firmly embedded in the wall.

James racked his brains for a spell that would help him remove the box. He peered closer and saw that the wall around the box was sparking, as if it was magically protected.

“Finite Incantatem,” he said, and the sparks disappeared. James slid out the box easily and studied it. It appeared to be made of a warm, honey colored stone. Perhaps it was topaz or amber. Smack dab in the center of the box was a scroll.

Home free, James thought. He jogged ahead to catch up with Jugson, shrinking the box and putting it in the pocket of his combat gear.

As soon as he had jogged ahead a hundred feet and had Jugson in sight, the earth began to shake and the walls began to crumble.

Fucking booby traps, James thought. He sprinted to Jugson and prodded him in the back. It was insane, but James had the strangest inclination that the walls were following him—they only crumbled after he passed them.

“GO!” he shouted. Jugson broke into a run and James fervently thanked his trainers, who had worked him relentlessly until he could lap a Quidditch Pitch three times in seven minutes. The crumbling was just behind them. They stumbled when the earth dipped but caught their footing and continued towards the light that shone in front of them. James gasped for air and prodded Jugson, who was lagging slightly. He propelled him forward out of the tunnel and ran out after him.

What he didn’t expect was for the tunnel to end on a cliff, or for the water below to be studded with rocks. Not sharp rocks, but rocks that had been smoothed relentlessly by the salty sea.

They still hurt to fall against, even if they were only ten feet below.

__________________________

September 14, 1978

__________________________

When he heard a sound, albeit a sound in his sleep, two weeks later, his hand immediately went to his wand and he yelled a hex before his eyes were even open. He heard the curse slam into something and disappear and opened his eyes a crack, finding wherever he was mercifully gloomy.

“Mary?” he asked incredulously. “Where am I?”

“Lie down,” she whispered. “You’re still in India.”

“Jugson?” he asked, hating himself for caring at all.

“He’s fine. He’s back in Italy. He woke up two days ago.”

James was furious with himself for being weaker than Jugson. He reached for the water on the table next to his bed.

“But he didn’t hit his head. You did.”

“What’s the date?”

Mary hesitated. “It’s the fourteenth.”

James dropped the glass of water he had picked up and it smashed all over the floor. Mary repaired it with a flick of her wand.

“I’ve been out for two weeks?”

Mary sighed. “You’ve been in a type of coma. Very temporary. You woke up a few times and said some strange things—but then you went to sleep again—and you don’t remember any of this, do you?”

James shook his head. “What did I say when I woke up.”

Mary shifted. “You always said ‘Lily’. You were always talking to her.”

James flopped back on the bed. “Merlin. I’m screwed.”

“If they find out about this,” Mary began, “that you’re in love with a girl back in England—they’ll be furious. It’s an unspoken rule that you forget absolutely everything.”

“Who are they?” James asked furiously. “You know—you’ve met them, haven’t you?”

Mary shrugged. “Sorry. I can’t tell you that. Drink this.”

She forced something slimy down his throat and he gagged but swallowed. His eyelids grew heavier. “Wait—“

But then he was asleep, and nothing really mattered.

_____________________________

September 21, 1978

_____________________________

Lily had not spoken to her father in two months, exactly.

After she had told him that she was pregnant, he had just stared at her, very blankly, before he left them room and house, presumably for his dinner meeting. Lily had packed her things through a haze of tears and had left her parents’—no, her father’s house, and had looked for a place to live.

She had found a flat—which had two rooms—all she could afford on her meager savings, and sighed. She had been living out of her trunk and traveling case because there was no closet space.

She now (temporarily) lived in a five-floor walkup in the slums of London. It was a dingy little place, with walls that had been white but were now gray and with a strange smell emanating from the very material that was used to build the establishment. Lily slept in a sleeping bag on the floor. She would have used magic to fix the place up, but the landlady joined her for tea on random days of the week and let herself in, so Lily couldn’t change anything for fear of being caught out.

Mrs. Holland, the landlady, was a wizened woman of unidentifiable age, and if Lily had not seen that she had been married to a man, she would not have known Mrs. Holland from a male. The landlady was, however, the only person Lily had a chance to talk to, and was therefore welcome company.

Lily curved her hand over her belly, which was concealed by her loose shirt, and frowned.

I can’t live here if I’m going to have a baby.

Resolutely, Lily got up and left her flat, walking down the steps quickly and heading into a dark alleyway. She pulled out her wand and Disapparated, arriving in another dark alleyway just outside of the Leaky Cauldron.

She stepped out of the alley and a Muggle woman with a small child looked at her strangely, but Lily paid her no heed and stepped into the Leaky Cauldron.

First she needed to find a job; then she needed to find a place to live in the Wizarding world.

Lily asked Tom for a copy of the Daily Prophet, a quill, and some ink, which he handed to her with a wide grin speckled with few teeth.

Honestly, Lily thought. That man loses more teeth every time I see him.

She sat down at a table and opened the paper, spreading it out before her. She took the quill, dipped it in the ink, and began to search the classifieds for a job. There was nothing holding her back. She had gotten her N.E.W.Ts results in mid-August.

She had done surprisingly well—Outstanding in Charms, Care of Magical Creatures, and Defense Against the Dark Arts; Exceeds Expectations in Potions, Herbology (she’d been up all night thinking about James the night before that one), History of Magic, and Astronomy.

She’d gotten a bloody Acceptable in Transfiguration.

They were good results, to be sure. Lily could probably do anything she wanted. She crossed out the jobs that requested desk clerks and anything that included cleaning up after other people.

She bit her lip as she came across the perpetual ad requesting Aurors. She put a shaky circle around it and continued looking for other jobs.

There was nothing else.

She had looked at being an Auror, but she did not know if she could get in. She had met Alastor Moody—the Head of the Auror Department, precisely once, a conversation in which she humiliated herself by telling him what to do about his bloody eyeball, which had been scaring her. He had glared at her and walked off, so she figured she would never get accepted there.

It didn’t hurt to try, did it?

She asked Tom for a piece of parchment and wrote out the information it said to write in the advert. Tom watched her closely.

“You applying to be an Auror?” His speech was slightly garbled because of his lack of teeth.

Lily nodded and wrote the address on the front of the parchment after folding it in two.

“I can owl that,” Tom said. Lily handed it to him with a smile.

Tom paused as he turned away. “You wouldn’t be looking for a temporary job right now, would you be? I need some help around here—“

Lily, about to refuse, hesitated. He looked so earnest.

“—Even when you’re training—because I know you’ll get in to the program, Miss Evans—you’ll need money.”

Lily nodded slowly, hating herself for becoming a barmaid. “Alright. When should I start?”

Tom grinned. “Monday’s fine.”

“Two days from now? Alright. Wait—Tom, do you have any idea where I might find somewhere to live?”

Tom grinned once more. “Come in here at about six today. There’s a bloke who’ll tell you just where to go.”

Lily nodded and looked at her watch. She could shop in Diagon Alley for an hour or so and be back around six to meet this mysterious ‘bloke’.

Lily left the pub and went to Flourish and Blotts. She browsed for half an hour and then explored the alley once more, as she had done when she was just a little girl. She went in Eyelop’s and Florean Fortescue’s and looked at robes in Madame Malkin’s. It was a lovely beginning-of-fall day—bright and beautiful.

At six, Lily went back to pub and sat down at her table. Tom gave her a small side and set down a glass of firewhisky in front of her. “You look like you could use it.”

Lily smiled and pushed it away. “I’m sorry. Can I just have some water?”

At least people couldn’t tell she was pregnant, if they were serving her hard liquor.

Tom nodded and came back a few minutes with a glass of water. Lily sipped it and stared out the window into Diagon Alley, which was so grimy with soot and dust she could hardly see through it. When she started working here, that was the first thing she would clean. Letting some light in would make the place much brighter.

Something familiar caught her eye and she looked up, bewildered. There was nothing eye-catching in the pub. There was a man walking over to the bar, a hag sitting with a goblin drinking a blood-red concoction, a large man with a hood hiding his face. She looked out the window again, and then whirled around.

The man talking to Tom at the bar—his walk—his hair—

“Sirius?”

The man turned and Lily nearly wept with the relief of seeing a friendly face. Sirius broke into a smile and bounded over to her, much like a dog would.

“Lily!” he yelled, grabbing her and hugging her. He kissed her on the check and let her down in her chair. “How’ve you been? I told you to keep in touch—“

“Oh. That. Sorry. Life has been…crazy.”

Sirius sighed and took the chair across from her. He took the glass of firewhisky and downed it, then looked at her sharply. “You didn’t drink this, did you?”

Lily smiled slightly and shook her head. “Of course not. So…Maria told Remus? Or did she tell you?”

Sirius gave a bark of laughter. “Merlin, no. She told Remus, who told me and Peter.”

Lily perked up. “James…doesn’t know, does he?”

Sirius shook his head. “No…” he said slowly. “D’you really think James’d be in Italy if he knew? He’d be back here in ten seconds—“

“And that’s why I didn’t tell him,” Lily said, “because it was too late.”

Sirius smiled bitterly. “I think you left it for too long. If you’d said it earlier…”

Lily looked down at the table. “I know that. I know that very well, thank you.”

There was an awkward pause, in which Lily finished her water and contemplated going up to Tom to ask who the bloke was who would help her find a place to live.

“So what exactly are you up to?”

Lily tapped the side of her empty cup with her nail. “I’m living in a two-room flat in the slums,” she said bluntly.

“How’s…is your dad okay?”

There was a desperation in his voice that made Lily look up. “What? No—Sirius, my dad is fine. I just…left the house. He’s fine.”

Sirius relaxed. “I thought…”

“I know. He…I think he kicked me out.”

Sirius frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Well—I told him and he…looked at me and then left. So I left. I packed my things and I left…and I don’t think I’m ever going back there. Maybe if he contacts me I’ll meet him somewhere, but I don’t think I can ever go to that house again.”

Sirius paused. “Same with me. I refuse to go to my parents’ house—bunch of bloody wankers, my family. I’m never crossing that bloody threshold again.”

Lily sighed. “I…I went to America for the first two weeks of July. I was supposed to stay four…but I didn’t.”

“Why not?”

Lily laughed shortly. “I had the strangest feeling that I should tell my dad I’m pregnant. So I left,” she repeated. “My god, I need to stop telling random people I’m carrying James’s—“

Sirius set his empty glass down hard and sat up in his chair quickly. “What do you mean, ‘random people’?”

“I sort of…told Emily—“

“You what?”

“We were looking at pictures and she asked what happened with James and there was something about her…so I just told her.”

“You’re fucked,” Sirius said. “You are completely fucked. She’s going to send off an owl straight away and tell him.”

“She promised—“

“James—is everything to Emily. He’s…as important to her as he is to you—“

Lily thought of the picture of them after James got his badge and could agree.

“She idolizes him—and if you think for one second she won’t tell James you’re pregnant then you’re stupid—because she will.”

Lily felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. “So—on his birthday—she was acting strange, jumpy. Oh, god. You’re right. But—wouldn’t he be back now if he had found out?”

Sirius shook his head. “Perhaps the people of the Order read his mail—but she knows and that’s enough. She’ll keep on trying.”

Lily put a hand over her belly, almost absently. “Oh,” she said dully. “You know…I told my dad on James’s birthday. I find that ironic.”

“It isn’t—“

“I mean—on the day good things should happen, I get kicked out of my house…and he’s in Italy and he can’t…I mean…” Lily broke off and looked away, breathing raggedly.

“I miss him too, you know,” Sirius said gruffly. “I mean—I really miss him. We’ve got a room in the flat for him that he’ll never use—“

Lily shut her eyes and felt a headache begin to build beneath them.

“Remus and I…we—miss James. We fight—you know James used to keep us from fighting? He was always a better friend to Remus in particular…and Remus is fucked up over Maria so I don’t have…do you want to come live with us?’

The offer came so calmly that Lily didn’t realize what he had said at first. She snapped her head up and looked at him. “What?”

“Live with us? Please?”

“But Remus—“

“Would love to have you, I’m sure. He’s refusing to see Maria, actually. I think they got in a fight and I’ve got no bloody clue what to say.”

Lily laughed at him. “Well—“

“Please…” Sirius whined. “I’ll love you forever—“

“I don’t want your love,” Lily said flatly, smiling nonetheless.

“That’s okay,” Sirius said nonchalantly. “But come live with us. Please. I mean it—we’d love to have you.”

Lily thought of her dingy apartment and its horrible smell and of Mrs. Holland and her absent teeth.

“You know what?”

Sirius looked at her hopefully.

“Sure.”

“What?”

“Yes, I’ll come.”

Sirius grinned. “All right then.”

Even as Lily smiled at Sirius, her first real smile in a long time, she knew that James had a piece of her, and one day, she would go to him and get it back.

28. Chapter Twenty-Six: Pretending

I own nothing.

Chapter 26: Pretending

“You can pretend to be as okay as you want, but the fact remains that you’re hurt, and nothing can change that. Until you take it upon yourself to stop the hurt, you’ll keep on hurting, and that’s all there is to it.”

____________________________

September 22, 1978

____________________________

Lily set down a platter of steaming roast on the table and slapped Sirius’s hand when he reached for it with a fork.

“Wait for Remus,” she said. “He cooked half of it—so he gets first taste.”

Sirius grumbled but sat back, looking quite pleased. “Actually, Lily, you get first taste, since it’s your dinner.”

Lily laughed. “Still. Wait for Remus.”

Remus himself came into the room at that moment and sniffed the air appreciatively. “Ah…see, this is why I wanted you to come live with us, Lily,” he said. “Because you can cook.”

Lily shrugged and sat down after he did. “Well—you helped.”

Remus served the roast and poured the water (they were all abstaining for Lily’s sake) into the glasses. “A toast,” he suggested, holding up his glass. “To Lily.”

They clinked their glasses together and sipped, then began eating their dinner.

“So—you start work tomorrow, right?”

Lily nodded at Sirius, handing him a napkin and wincing. She had never really noticed his table manners at Hogwarts. “Until January.”

Remus swallowed and looked at her. “What happens in January?”

“I’m going to fill in for Flitwick until July. With help, of course. But—he’s going on a sabbatical. Something about studying this new charm. I dunno—but I’m his substitute.”

“So you’re going back to Hogwarts for a couple of months,” Remus said mildly. “Are you going to be teaching students a year younger than you?”

“I did really going on my Charms N.E.W.T—“ Lily began defensively, but then she realized what he was asking. “I’ll tell you how she’s doing—“

Remus set down his fork, finished, and gave a little forced laugh. “Oh, no, Lily. You don’t have to. I’m sure if she really wants she can owl me herself or something.”

Lily flinched, and she realized that James’s hadn’t written to her either. She shook the thought away and looked at Sirius, who was regarding Remus warily.

“It’s not like…I mean…she had an entire summer to talk to me, and she didn’t. She didn’t visit me or anything—didn’t talk to me about what it was like living with her aunt instead of her parents—didn’t ask for my help with anything—so if Maria really doesn’t care, then I don’t either. I was going to break up with her anyways—“

Sirius made an angry noise and Lily held a hand out to stop him, seeing that Remus was on a roll.

“—because it’s not going to bloody work, what with me being a werewolf and all—you know I almost hurt her when we--?” He cut himself off and flushed.

“I thought you didn’t shag,” Sirius said incredulously. “You told me you didn’t!”

“Well—it was on the train back,” said Remus. “And it was only once—and I bruised her—really, I did—“

“Maybe she doesn’t care about that but she thinks you want to forget about it—and you know she bruises easy just like me—I mean…on the train…” Lily said helplessly. She had hoped to take her mind off James, but talking about Remus losing Maria only made her think more about James—

STOP.

“I realize it wasn’t the best idea,” Remus said, rather acidly.

“Well of course it wasn’t,” snapped Sirius. “I mean—”

“She cried,” Remus added, even more quietly. “I think…I think I really hurt her.”

“Maybe…perhaps she cried because she really liked it,” Lily said unsurely. “I mean…she really cares for you, Remus…and if it was really good…” Lily trailed off, flushing and wondering how many times she could say ‘really’ in a sentence. Remus was pink in the face too, but Sirius looked very unabashed.

“So let me get this straight—you just…shagged her. Grabbed her and fucked her brains out?”

Remus and Lily flinched at the crudeness.

“Well…no. We got in a fight about the summer. She wanted to visit me on the day of the full moon and I told her no because…well, because you know how I get on those days, Sirius, and I didn’t want her near me then. But I couldn’t tell her that. I just told her no and we got into this colossal fight—and then I sort of…well, I kissed her. And it just went on from there.”

Sirius sighed. “You miss her, don’t you? I mean—you’re hurting, right?”

Lily’s breath caught and she looked at her hands. Neither Sirius nor Remus noticed.

“So if you’re hurting, why don’t you just owl her?”

“I tried,” Remus said, his voice cracked. “I didn’t get an answer.”

Lily had tried to owl James the day after she left her father’s house. She hadn’t gotten an answer back either.

“I’ll be fine,” Remus said quietly. “So can we please just drop it?”

Lily heard Sirius sigh, and she couldn’t prevent the very soft, very gentle sob that escaped her mouth.

Sirius was at her side in an instant, and Remus soon followed. Remus handed her a tissue and she wiped her eyes violently.

“I…really, really miss him. Sometimes I just can’t stand it—“ She stopped talking as another onslaught of tears assailed her.

“I know,” Sirius said, softly, drawing her up out of her chair. “Come on. You need to get to bed.”

She walked down the small corridor in between them and went into her bare bedroom. All that was in there so far was the bed, the lamp, and a desk with a matching chair.

They sat her down on the bed, which was mercifully soft. Sirius drew back the covers and helped her in after Remus removed her shoes and socks. They tucked her in and she curled up into a ball, one hand over her belly and the other wrapped around Sirius’s wrist. Remus rubbed her back as she hiccoughed with sobs.

“I’m s-s-sorry,” she gasped. “But I don’t think I can d-do this without h-h-him.”

“Go to sleep, Lily,” Remus said softly. “Come on…go to sleep. We’ll be here when you wake up. We’ll help you…”

Lily finally wore herself out with tears and fell asleep, and Remus and Sirius looked at each other helplessly. “Now what?”

Sirius bit his lip. “Let’s finish her room. When she wakes up it won’t be as terrible.”

Remus made a face. “That’s all you can think of?”

Sirius made a face back and drew out his wand. “Accio Lily’s Boxes!”

The many boxes they had packed from her very cluttered apartment landed with muffled thumps in the room. Sirius began opening them and levitating them around the room. He un-shrunk the dresser they had bought and began hanging her clothes in the closet. Remus helped him after a moment, and soon all the boxes were empty and piles of stuff lay on the floor because they didn’t know what to do with it.

Eventually, Remus sat down on the un-shrunk couch and Sirius sat on the floor, and they fell asleep amongst Lily’s belongings, keeping her company late into the night and early into the morning.

__________________________

September 30, 1978

__________________________

Sirius knocked on the door of a respectable looking house at seven a few mornings later and stepped back, slightly behind Remus. They waited for a full five minutes and Sirius was about to knock again when the door flew open.

The man Sirius assumed was Mr. Evans stood there, his hair disheveled and his face not shaven, but distinguished all the same with immaculate clothing and a newspaper in his hand.

“Can I help you?” he asked, in well modulated tones.

“Yes,” Remus said smoothly, cutting in before Sirius could say anything rash. “We’re friends of your daughter.”

Mr. Evans’s hand tightened on the paper he was holding in his hand. “Lily?” he asked, ashen-faced. “Or Petunia?”

“Lily,” Sirius said irritably.

Mr. Evans opened the door wider. “Come in, come in.”

They stepped into the foyer and Mr. Evans shut the door, leading them into what Sirius assumed was the kitchen. They sat down at a worn oak table and mr. Evans stood near the windows, his back to them.

“Is she alright?”

“She’s fine,” Remus said quickly.

“And…and the baby? Has she seen a doctor? Or whatever you have—Healers, is it?”

“I don’t know, sir,” Remus answered quietly.

“And…James. How is James?”

Remus exchanged a quick, desperate look with Sirius.

“James is in Italy,” Sirius finally said.

“So—James just left?” Mr. Evans said, his voice bitter.

“He didn’t know—” Remus said, looking rather angry.

“And where is Lily, hmm?” Mr. Evans asked, whirling around to face them. “Does she have money? Does she—is she safe, with a good place to live? Does she have someone to help her with the baby—”

“She’s living with us,” Sirius said loudly, interrupting Mr. Evans. “And—she’s got money. She’s found some temporary work. And…we’ll help her. We’ll take care of her.”

“Did she tell you why she left me?” Mr. Evans asked. “Because I don’t know and she was just gone when I—“

“She thought you kicked her out,” Sirius said furiously. This man may have lost his wife—but Lily was pregnant and he had made her leave. Such a fury was rising inside Sirius—something he had never felt before, having the family he did. It was protectiveness. Lily was like—his sister, and he was damned if she was going to suffer more than she had.

“I didn’t,” Mr. Evans said. “I never would. I want her to come back—“

“She won’t,” Remus said. “She won’t come back here, she said. But—you know the Leaky Cauldron?”

Mr. Evans nodded.

“Go there. Sometime soon. Anytime up until eleven at night. She’ll be there. You can talk to her then.” Remus stood, looking very much like he wanted to run away.

They began to leave, but Sirius paused at the door and said, “Please…she really needs to speak with you. I mean—she really needs to...”

Mr. Evans nodded, and then they shut the door, and it was over.

_________________________

October 10, 1978

_________________________

Lily set down a drink in front of Samuel and wiped some hair away from her sweaty forehead. “There you go, Sam,” she said. “Drink up.”

Sam raised his drink to her and downed it, and a cheer went up around them as he swallowed hard and tried not to spit out the vile concoction. Lily set down a glass of water for him but he shook his head. “Oh no, dearie. Gimme more.”

“Oh ho,” Lily said. “What’s that again? Not on your life, Samuel Higgins!”

Sam made a face and she grinned, walking down the bar to take another patron’s order. When the door opened, letting in some cool air, she sighed in relief. The air in the pub was stifling—heavy and hot.

She served up another round of drinks to a group of Ministry employees celebrating a promotion and fanned herself, tying her apron tighter to hide her belly. She was beginning to show. She went back behind the bar and gave Sam another drink, keeping an eye on the old man to make sure he didn’t pass out. His mates would take him home, but she had a fondness for the man, and she like to make sure he was okay.

She looked up when the door opened only a foot away from her and gasped, dropping the mug of butterbeer she had been about to serve the adorable little boy with his mother at the table next to her. It splattered with a crash and Tom looked over from behind the bar, frowning.

“Lily…” Remus said, coming up from her right side. “We’re sorry—but we went and talked to him and told him to come in—“

Lily didn’t hear a word he said. Her father stepped up and took her arm, helping her to sit at a table, and she stared at him. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sirius get up and talk to Tom, then begin serving drinks in her stead.

“Lily.”

“Dad.”

There was an uncomfortable silence and then Lily spoke. “What are you doing here?”

“Your…your friends came to see me. They told me—do you think I kicked you out?”

Lily looked down.

“Lily—I wouldn’t ever—I didn’t! I was just very…shocked, to say the least. And then I thought, ‘Oh, I’m late. I better go.’ It wasn’t until I got out to the restaurant that I realized what I’d done, and then I thought I could talk to you when I got back. I just—didn’t think!”

“Dad, you’ve always told me to do something important! And you were so disappointed—and I just figured I could go and make something of myself all the same. And I’d make you proud of my anyways—“

Lily’s father’s hands clenched. “You didn’t leave a note or—or anything Lily. I had no way to contact you. No way to see if you were okay. It was like—it was like you disappeared—come back, please?”

Lily squeezed her eyes shut. “Daddy—I’m happy.”

Richard looked around. “You’re happy working…here? And—”

“Daddy, you’re not listening,” Lily said tearfully. “Please just really listen to me.”

Her father fell quiet and looked at her expectantly.

“All my life, I’ve been your little girl. I’ve been…the baby. And I know it’s hard for you to accept, but I’m going to turn eighteen in a few months—and I’m an adult in the Wizarding World…and it’s coming out all wrong but what I’m trying to say is that…this is where I belong, Daddy.” Lily took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly, watching her father’s lined face.

“I love you so much and you’re my dad,” Lily said, feeling quite stupid for stating the obvious. “But—I’m truly growing up—and while it might not seem like much to you, I kind of like living like this. I like…living with Remus and Sirius and working here until I go to Hogwarts to teach. It does make me happy. And I’m safe. I couldn’t be any safer with anyone besides Sirius and Remus—and they’re James’s best friends, you know…and James is gone…so they’re really the best link I have to him…”

Lily’s father had sat quiet during her little speech, staring off into space. Now he sprang to attention and smiled at her wanly. “I think I knew you’d say that. I understand, Lily. But you can visit me, right? And I’ll come see you sometimes.”

Lily grinned, relieved, and stood as her father did. He hugged her tightly and she kissed him on the cheek. He released her with a whispered order to take care of herself and left the pub. Lily wiped her eyes, damning her hormones, and turned back to the patrons of the pub, many of whom were staring at her.

“Who wants a drink?” she asked, half laughing and half crying.

___________________________

October 31, 1978

___________________________

James was reading the Evening Prophet at seven o’clock on Halloween night when he promptly gave a yell and pulled the paper closer, reading frantically.

It fell from his fingers and fluttered to the ground as he banged out of the room, racing down the steps to the main floor and bracing himself against the reception desk.

“I—need—to—check—out—” he wheezed, breathing hard after descending three extremely long flights of stairs.

“Where to, Mr. Potter?” asked Eva, the receptionist, who was painting her nails an ugly shade of pink.

James stared—she had never before asked where he was going. “I’ll be back tomorrow evening.”

“I’m afraid that’s not possible,” Eva said calmly.

“WHY NOT?” James roared.

Eva looked quite annoyed. “Because I’ve been told not to let you out.”

“You’ve been—not to—I need TO LEAVE!”

“And I can’t let you!” Eva snapped, her patience worn thin. “I suggest you work out some of that anger in the practice rooms. Or perhaps you can go to the Training Palazzo and help out there.”

“I thought I wasn’t allowed to leave,” James bit out.

“The route to the Training Palazzo is secure and you can’t go anywhere but there. My instructions were explicit. Stop arguing with me, Mr. Potter.”

“Who told you? Huh? Who ordered you not to let me leave? I’ve stayed out all night before and you let me leave with everyone else. Do I need somebody to go with me or something?”

“I’m afraid you’re not allowed to leave for anything but a mission until well past December,” Eva said, going back to her nails.

“I’d like to see you stop me,” James hissed, turning and heading for the door.

As soon as he touched the large, golden handle that led to the back streets of Rome, a large wall of blue fire exploded across the doors and James’s jumped back. The fire instantly faded and he reached for it again. He tried twice more, but each time the wall of blue fire prevented him from leaving.

The third time, the fire sucked him in.

The only sound in their small flat was the sound of Lily weeping in her bedroom. Sirius and Remus sat in the kitchen, ready to go in to her at a moment’s notice.

“Someone needs to get James,” Sirius whispered, feeling sick. “She’s going to lose that baby if he doesn’t come for her.”

“I sent a letter right after she got the news. But if he gets the Evening Prophet he’ll know. It’s in there. Front page center and I’m positive because I saw it. ‘Richard Evans Murdered in Wizarding Pub.’”

“Maybe…maybe we should go there,” Sirius suggested. Remus goggled at him and he made his point clearer. “I mean…take her with us and go find him. He’s got to see her or she’s going to die from the bloody grief—“

Remus slammed his hand down on the table. Lily’s weeping was continuous, straining through the walls and reaching their ears as a broken, pitiful sound. They would have put up Silencing Charms, but it seemed like they were cheating Lily, somehow, by not listening to her cry away her grief.

“I really thought she was going to miss out on this—I mean—can you believe I was almost relieved when her mother died from having that baby and not from an attack, like Maria’s parents? And now it was all for nothing—because her dad was…murdered…” Remus ran a hand over his face and blinked; he was exhausted.

“We need to find James,” Sirius repeated.

Remus sighed. “I know.”

Sirius stood. “Come on. We’re sending her to Italy. She’s got to deal with this herself. She’s got to learn to cope because this isn’t the end. I’ve got a feeling worse things are going to happen.”

Remus sat in the kitchen, dumbfounded, and soon saw Lily enter the room, leaning heavily against Sirius. Her eyes were frightfully red and she had tissues balled up in her hand, but she was wearing her cloak, so Remus assumed Sirius had convinced her that she had to go to Italy.

To find James.

Why hadn’t they thought of it earlier?

Lily slammed into the ground with a gasp and let go of the portkey, then frantically searched the ground to pick up the knut.

She looked around; she was in a dark alleyway and she walked unsteadily towards the dim light of the streetlights, glancing at her watch, which magically adjusted in time zones. It was almost half past seven, here in Rome.

Sirius had apparently been busy, because he had thrust a sheaf of research into her hands from various books that pinpointed the headquarters of L’Ordine di Luce somewhere in heart of Rome. Now all Lily had to do was find the place.

She jumped and let out a shriek when someone tapped her on the shoulder. She drew her wand and pointed it at the man, who was her height, though rather heavyset. He held up his hands. “Calma! Calma!” he said quickly.

Lily, who knew a little Italian because of her father’s job—DON’T THINK ABOUT HIM!—put her wand down but kept a good grip on it. “Ch-chi sono voi?” she asked, wincing at her grating accent.

“Siete Lily Evans?”

She looked at him blankly.

“Siete Lily Evans?” he asked, enunciating clearly. Understanding dawned.

“Yes—Si. Sono Lily Evans.”

“Siete che cercate James Potter?”

“Si. Si!”

“So dove è ed ora li prenderò lui, se desiderate!” The man looked very excited as he said this, but Lily floundered. Her feeble Italian had run out. There were language charms that she knew, but she was much too distraught to remember them.

“Er…parlate inglese?”

“Yes, yes!” he exclaimed, in heavily accented English. “I speak English. You want James Potter?”

Lily nodded eagerly.

“I know where he is. I will take you to him now, if you want.”

Lily nodded once more and followed the man through the twisting streets of Rome.

If Lily had been less tired, and less awash with grief—if she had been paying attention to her instincts, listening to what her mind was telling her—if she had been thinking, she wouldn’t have made the mistake of following an unknown man in an unknown city where she was unknowingly the most wanted woman alive, simply because she had the power to make James Potter leave.

She wouldn’t have been so shocked when the man Stunned her, and she wouldn’t have been so furious with herself for being stupid when she woke up in a dungeon, much like the one she had spent hours in with James, one night, so very, very, very long ago. It had really been about a year ago, but it felt like a lifetime.

And so Lily was alone, with the steady drip of something liquid in the corner, and completely unaware that James was in the large chamber adjacent to her cell, facing something she would never have thought possible.

James woke some time later and groaned, rolling on his side and heaving dryly. He got up on all fours and gasped, trying to breathe. He felt scorched—

“James Potter. You’ve certainly given me a bit of trouble.”

James did a roll and went straight to his feet, reaching for his wand. It was not in the special case he had for it and he looked around helpless, looking at the shadows, where the voice had come from.

“Who are you?” he asked shakily.

There was a movement in the dark. “Trivial. I heard you tried to leave. You bound yourself to us, you know.”

“Yeah, but I’ll bet you planned that too. I’ll bet you sent that stupid letter to me just when you knew I’d accept—“

“Well, of course,” said the voice amusedly. It was decidedly male, very warm, and almost comforting. Of course, very little was comforting to James anymore.

“You were asked here because you were supposed to perform a task that would stop the Dark Lord from gaining leverage in the magical world.”

“WELL I DON’T BLOODY CARE RIGHT NOW!” James bellowed, glaring into the shadows.

“And what, pray tell, do you care about, my boy?”

“I care about—about life and goodness and Lily Evans—whose dad just died—“

“Didn’t you come here to fight evil? Haven’t you learned enough in those three months to know that if you leave, you’ll never fully use the skills you’ve gained?”

James paused. It sounded as if he was going to be let go—but what did they want of him first?

“I still don’t really care,” James said acidly. “And if you’re going to keep me here you might as well show me who you are—you coward—you sniveling bit of snot—“

James threw his arm over his eyes and let out an oath as the shadows unfurled and morphed into a brilliant light that stung his eyes. He felt the light dim; he opened his eyes and blinked away the multi-colored spots.

“The Order of Light,” James said, contemptuously. “Are you it, then? The rumor is that there’s a life force for the light—are you that?”

The Light, which had the distinct yet unidentifiable shape of an old man, seemed to shake its head.

“No. These are merely cloaking spells to shield me from view—I only run this organization—“

“Are you Voldemort’s counterpart, then?” asked James, having heard another rumor that in the catacombs there was a force that could battle the swiftly rising Dark Lord.

Hesitation—it was clear to James. The Light was hesitating.

“No—it is not my destiny to destroy the Dark Lord—I am only here to help his defeat come to pass. An elemental, you could say. I am not human—I come from the very earth—“

Bullshit, James thought, not really caring, but he listened all the same.

“You have something vital, Mr. Potter. Something I want. And until you realize that and give it to me—you can’t leave. Terribly sorry.”

And the wall of fire appeared again, this time red, and sucked James in like a vacuum, depositing him in front of the main desk on the main floor of the Palazzo.

Lily shivered. She rolled over, moaning, and instinctively curled in around her belly. She had been dreaming—no, nightmaring…why wasn’t nightmaring a word? It made sense. And it wasn’t really nightmaring. It was…remembering.

Lily had not been at the pub when it had happened.

She had been in Diagon Alley and was hurrying to meet her father, with whom she had set up a meeting earlier that day. She remembered swearing about the man at Flourish and Blott’s because he was such a slow clerk.

She really should have known before she got there, from the smell of burning and the shouts of people. But since she was very absent-minded these days, she knew nothing of the sort.

When she entered the pub her bag fell to the ground—because on the ground in front of her was a body—and it was her father’s.

They told her the hooded figures had swept in and headed straight for Mr. Evans—asking where she was—and turning their wands on other people and asking. They had wanted to know where Lily Evans was, where James Potter’s baby was.

They hadn’t killed anyone but Mr. Evans.

She was shocked out of her musings when something cold and wet hit the back of neck. She moved slightly to the side and then held still. There was the sound of a swish of a cloak—the sound of something begin pulled from a sheath—a sword, perhaps? a wand?—and she forced her eyes open.

A woman stood before her, a rather plain woman who looked to be a little older than Lily herself. She had very pretty black hair that she had pulled back in a messy ponytail, and her eyes were dark and expressive. Her nose was slightly too large, her eyebrows a bit thick, and her mouth forgettable, but she carried herself with such a grace that all this could be overlooked. Her confidence was almost catching, but Lily was too depressed to care.

“Please…” she began, struggling to sit.

The confidence Lily was getting from the woman flickered—flickered? Am I using my magic?—

And so she was. Unconsciously, Lily was taking the woman’s measure with her magic, which she had not used in nearly…four months.

The woman bit her lip, insecure, and raised her wand.

Lily stared at her, dumbfounded. Was this how she would die?

“Induce—”

The woman cleared her throat; her voice was shaky.

“Induce partus!” she said forcefully.

Lily was so lethargic she didn’t even move. The beam of yellow light hit her in the stomach and she winced, feeling nothing. What sort of spell was—

The first contraction hit Lily with such a painful force she doubled over and cried out. Lily heard the woman run to her and drop to her knees, and she put out a hand to fend her off but the stranger just grabbed her fingers and squeezed.

“Oh—I’m so very sorry,” she said, “but it’s for the best…the best!”

Lily, five months pregnant, was having her baby.

“Calma! Calma!”—“Calm! Calm!”

“Ch-chi sono voi?”—“Wh-who are you?”

“Siete Lily Evans?”—“Are you Lily Evans?”

“Si. Sono Lily Evans.”—“Yes. I am Lily Evans.”

“Siete che cercate James Potter?”—“Are you looking for James Potter?”

“So dove è ed ora li prenderò lui, se desiderate!”—“I know where he is and I will take you to him now, if you want.”

“…Parlate inglese?”—“Do you speak English?”

29. Chapter Twenty-Seven: Stand By Me

I own nothing.

Chapter 27: Stand By Me

[Stand By Me, by Ben E. King]

_________________________

November 15, 1978

_________________________

James squinted hard at the paper in the dying candlelight and frowned, taking his glasses off, rubbing his eyes, and then replacing them. There was to be a meeting at half past eight and he was looking through the briefs, trying to discern what it could be about. He had half an hour left though, and he set the papers aside to rest.

He hit himself on the head, lit his wand, and charmed it to hover, casting a bright light over his desktop.

By then, he had lost his taste for the dry information and he got up, letting his wand clatter to his desk, where he grabbed it before leaving his room. Elementary Wand Safety Rule Number One: Never Go Anywhere Without the Assistance and Presence of Your Wand.

The Main Palazzo was arranged much as the Training Palazzo was, but on a grander and slightly larger scale. This did not mean there were more rooms, but fewer rooms with more space. Only a selected few were taken from training each year and inducted into the Order. All in all, there were about thirty members total.

James bumped into Mary on his way out and she gasped, dropping the stack of charts she was holding. She hastened to gather them once more, batting away his hands.

“J-james,” she stuttered. “How are you?”

He looked at her, bewildered by this strange behavior. Where had calm, cool, collected Mary gone?

“I’m fine, Mary. You good?”

“I’m well, thanks,” she said.

“Uh huh,” James said, quite disbelievingly, and they continued to walk down to the conference room. “So. Anything interesting? I haven’t talked to you in…about a week. Longer, I’d say.”

Mary shook her head slightly, very composed now. James narrowed his eyes. “All right. Out with it.” He grabbed her arm and made her halt, spinning her roughly so she faced him. She met his eyes defiantly.

“Out with what?”

He almost growled with frustration. “Whatever you’re trying to hide from me.” He squinted and tried to make out her aura, which was covered with a black shade of a sort. “You are lying and trying to hide something from me.”

Her steady gaze flickered. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Mr. Potter,” she said briskly, shocking him. “And I think from now on we should try to keep a more professional relationship. I don’t appreciate you advances, however subtle they may be—”

James laughed out loud at that. “Advances? Sorry to disappoint, Miss Bevan, but I’m not all that set on pursuing you—at all—”

If it was possible, her expression became even more torn, and James felt a stab of disgust with himself, wondering whether he had unconsciously been leading her on.

“Oh—shit, Mary. I sounded like a prick—”

“It’s quite alright, Mr. Potter. And from now on, I’d like you to refer to me as Miss Bevan, as you so kindly did just before.”

She continued down the stairs, her dark hair swinging in its plait. She had very nice hair, James noticed.

He then noticed that he was going to be late, and began to run down to the conference room.

When he got back to his room he groaned when he noticed the objects on the floor, releasing the spells that guarded his door and kicking a few charts inside unceremoniously. This meant he would have to give them to Mary or ask her to get them, and he did not relish talking to her.

No better time than the present. He bent to retrieve the charts and left his room, locking the door behind him with a whispered incantation.

Mary lived in the Training Palazzo, and only came to the Main Palazzo for meetings or other important occasions. She had avoided him fantastically at the meeting earlier. He would have to go through many security checks to get to her room, but he might as well do it now and not later.

He presented his wand to a strange looking machine for identification outside the passage to the Training Palazzo. He got his wand back and went through the doors, throwing a nasty look at Eva, who was watching carefully.

Within ten minutes, he had been transferred to the end of the passageway and he once more presented his wand for identification purposes. When he entered the Training Palazzo—Palazzo di Addestramento—he took the stairs up to the second floor and went to room 205, where he knocked and waited.

There was no answer, but he heard a strangled noise from inside and stiffened. He tried the door hesitantly and was shocked to see that it was open.

Just as soon as he opened it, he shut it, because Mary was shagging Emilio—one of James’s old trainers.

James felt sick to his stomach—was he jealous? No, not of Mary. He was…envious. He wanted to have that—with Lily. He wanted to be with her again, for sure. Perhaps after he found whatever blasted thing he was supposed to and gave it to the Light in the catacombs…perhaps then…

And Emilio was a womanizer. Mary shouldn’t be shagging him if she was just going to get hurt. Merlin—what was she, his sister?

In a daze, and rather disgusted, hoping the pair on her bed had not noticed, James headed back to the Palazzo Principale. He set down the charts in on his desk and fell on his bed, vowing to give them to her when she was…not otherwise occupied.

James flopped down on his bed and looked up at the ceiling, counting the little dots on the white paint. He took out his wand and pointed it at the ceiling, coloring it red, hoping to hit on the exact color of Lily’s hair. He couldn’t get it, so he tried for her eyes, and lo and behold, he got the clearest and most beautiful green he had ever see, aside from the real thing.

And so, James fell asleep, feeling like Lily’s eyes were swimming before him as they had so often in the past.

__________________________

November 25, 1978

__________________________

Lily was leaving in five days. They had told her.

Well, not they. She had told her.

Having her baby so early had been the worst experience of Lily’s short life, even worse than saying goodbye to James.

Not only had it been painful—but—five months. Her baby had hardly developed—and now she would never see James again, unless she got out of this bloody room and found him in this stupid palace.

After she had had her baby—no, it couldn’t even be called that. She had not gone into normal labor.

After she had lost her baby—

After her baby had been killed, Lily had been moved to what was one of the most beautiful rooms she had ever seen. It was the picture of perfection, with dark, red velvet curtains, a plush carpet, and a comfortable bed. Lily found herself wishing to be home—with Sirius and Remus and the terrible food and the narrow, but moderately comfortable bed.

She had been examined daily by that woman—Mary, she said her name was, the one who had said the spell, pointed the wand, killed the last evidence of James that Lily had—who came in every day at three. Today, she had proclaimed Lily well, and said she could leave on the 30^th.

Lily was not stupid. Three days after she had gotten to this blasted place, she had realized that this where James was. This was the Order of the Light, what Sirius had told her about. But if they were such advocates of good—then how could they order the killing of someone who hadn’t even been born yet?

Lily was really considering suicide. It would be preferable to knowing she had let this happen, let herself be led by a man she didn’t know to a place where she would ultimately lose too much. After her father had been—

Lily felt bile rise up in her throat and she shut her eyes, leaning against the cold window pane. She refused to look outside.

All that was out there was an overgrown courtyard with a cracked fountain and a decomposing bench. It was bleak, and it mirrored her mood perfectly.

__________________________

November 30, 1978

__________________________

James was on desk duty.

Each month, three Order members were chosen to do all the paperwork for the Order. This month, James was one of them, and he would be until Christmas Eve, when he would get the day off. He would most probably spend it in the Training Palazzo, as he was still unable to leave the Order for any purpose.

He stamped three official looking envelopes and put them in the tray that would instantly transport them to the Owlery, where they could be sent out. He sent three more letters onto senior members and sat back, sighing and taking a little rest.

There was a disturbance in the front hall. James looked up and, mouth agape, watched Mary fall and hit her head against the corner of Eva’s desk, which was really the only thing James could see in the hall.

He swore and jumped up, hurrying out to the front hall just as flames roared in the great fireplace and he heard something disturbingly familiar. He looked up, but the floo was done with, and the shimmer that was the floo wards covered the fireplace.

“Mary?” he asked frantically. “Are you alright?”

She stirred, saw him, gasped, and promptly fainted. James took out his wand and performed an Enneverate, and she woke, coughing.

“What did you see?” she gasped.

He stared at her, bewildered. “What do mean, ‘what did I see?’ I saw you fall, that’s what! That was nasty blow—who pushed you?”

She met his eyes and burst into tears.

James almost dropped her, that’s how much he didn’t want to deal with it. But she was crying and it was probably his fault, so he took her over to his desk, told the other two desk boys to fuck off, and sat Mary down in his chair.

“Why are you so angry with me?” he asked.

She only cried harder.

“Did I do something wrong?”

She sobbed, now bent over double.

“Do you think—”

“Will you bloody shut up?” asked one of the other desk boys, Jordan Eliseo. “Can’t you see you’re making it worse?”

“Why don’t you stay out of it, Jordan?” James snapped, to a boy he was normally friendly with.

Jordan made a face and went back to his paperwork, glaring at Mary every few seconds. She had refused to date him back in September and he hated her for it.

“I’ve d-d-done something terrible,” she sobbed, her words nearly unintelligible.

“What did you do, Mary?” James demanded. “Tell me what you did.”

“I can’t tell you,” she cried. “They told me to so I did it—and—and now I’m done with. I’m quitting. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Mary—no! What did you do?”

She lashed out and hit him in the chest. Taken by surprise, he fell backwards and she got up, stumbling quickly from the room.

“That girl,” Jordan said, looking at James, sprawled on his arse on the floor, “is crazy.”

Mary came in at two and looked at Lily, who was staring out the window into the little courtyard, her cloak already on.

Lily glanced up at the sound of her arrival and Mary recoiled at the sight of her red eyes. She knew this was her fault—this strange detachment from the world was Mary’s fault. If she had not taken that wand and pointed it at Lily and said that spell, that spell, perhaps everything would be okay. Perhaps she and Lily could have even been friends.

But Lily belonged to James Potter, and if there was one thing Mary knew, it was not to get too close to anything that had to do with James.

“It’s time for you to leave,” she said levelly.

Lily stood, took her wand from the night table, and followed Mary wordlessly.

Mary led her down the steps, glad that James was in his room and not about the Palazzo. That would have been disastrous. Mary stopped in the front hall, glad that Eva was not at her desk, and took down the floo wards. She took the floo powder, gave it to Lily, and asked if she knew what to do.

Something flashed in Lily’s eyes—perhaps pain. “I’ve done this once before.” She paused. “With him.”

Mary checked, not sure what to do, and then transferred the powder into Lily’s hand. Lily threw it into the fire and began to step forward, but Mary grabbed her arm. Lily recoiled at her touch and her eyes flared with fury.

“Don’t touch me ever again,” she hissed, trying to shake Mary’s hand off.

“I wish I could take you to James,” Mary said, almost pleading. “I wish I could but I can’t. And I’m sorry I—”

Lily’s eyes were huge, and green, and gleaming. She wrenched her arm out of Mary’s grasp. “If you ever speak to me again, I’ll kill you,” she said, albeit weakly. “Don’t ever tell me you’re sorry, you—you cow—because you aren’t and I don’t have anything left, and I think your bloody Order has done enough.”

Mary reached out her hand, but Lily pushed her backwards and she fell, clipping her head against Eva’s desk.

Lily looked back, bit her lip in remorse, and stepped into the fire, fighting every instinct in her body. She hadn’t meant to hurt Mary “The Leaky Cauldron!”

Her heart stopped as she began to spin, because James was running into the big, beautiful room she had just left from, and she opened her mouth on his name but only felt soot coat her throat and she gave a wracking cough. She tried to leave the fireplace but she was spinning faster and faster and the lights were darting before her eyes and oh, god, herbabywasgoneandwhatwouldsiriusandremussayandshewouldneverseejamesagain…

She fell out Tom’s fireplace and collapsed in a heap on the ground, sobbing. She would have gone back to that wretched place, but there was no way to do it because she didn’t know the name and she was sure they would have wards against her getting in, so she just sat and sobbed and continued to do so until Tom came over and helped her up, smiling widely at her and proudly showing that he had lost two more teeth in the month that she had been gone.

_________________________

December 10, 1978

_________________________

Light filtered in through the blinds on the window, playing over Lily’s face and neck. Remus, standing the doorway, had not the heart to wake her.

She had returned just ten days earlier, sobbing, most decidedly not pregnant anymore, and unwilling to tell them anything that had happened. She had withdrawn into herself, only rousing to go to work, and that only occasionally. Sirius and Remus had been taking her shifts in turns while she had been gone and when she was too tired and had set the money aside for her. The only time she had really come alive was when she had told them to keep their shares because they had done the work, going as far as to point her wand at them and threaten their ability to procreate.

So Remus and Sirius were twice as rich as they had been a month ago.

Remus sighed and rubbed his eyes, feeling not like a boy of eighteen but like a man of thirty. He wondered if he would always feel years older than he was. Then again, living in the same era as Voldemort allowed for very few years of true childhood. It was time to grown up.

He heard a light footstep and glanced up, smiling wanly at Lily.

“Rough night?” he asked, taking the bags under her eyes and her slumping posture.

She nodded and got out a mug, pouring herself a cup of tea and sitting down across from him. She stared out the small kitchen window out at the barren street below. There were hardly ever people on it, and it hadn’t snowed yet, so the trees stood leafless and spindly.

“Are you going to work today?”

Lily glanced at him and smiled, nodding. “In an hour or so. I can work longer now that I’m not…”

She trailed off, and Remus almost glanced at her now-flat stomach, but stopped himself just in time, as she was staring at him absently.

“Things went very wrong,” she said in a small voice, taking a long drink from her mug and holding it tightly in her hands. She hunched over and curled into herself on her chair, her hair falling loose and lank around her face. “They went very, very wrong.”

Remus paused. “I believe they did,” was all he said.

Lily tucked her hair behind her ear and stared at her toes, and it struck Remus that she was so fucking young. What—she was turning eighteen in ten days? Admittedly, she was only six months younger than he himself was, but she seemed…more innocent.

And, of course, she didn’t turn into a stark raving monster every month, did she?

When she looked up, her eyes were swimming with tears, and Remus caught his breath and gritted his teeth in anger. James—get your arse back here so I don’t have to see her like this ever again!

“I don’t know what to do,” she said shakily. She squeezed her eyes shut and put her hand over her mouth. “Oh, Jesus, I don’t know what to do—”

Remus got up, his chair scraping the floor obnoxiously, and went around to her side of the table. He knelt in front of her on the dirty tile and took her hands in his, holding them so tightly he heard her bones creak. “Lily…come on, love,” he said tiredly, the endearment slipping out and making him pause.

She was almost like a sister to him now.

He hauled her to her feet and helped her into the living room, which was much cozier than the kitchen. They sat down on the couch and he pulled the badly conjured (Sirius had been chilly once when Lily had been gone) afghan off the back of the couch, throwing it over her pale feet. “What happened, Lily?” he asked, knowing that he would finally get an answer.

Her eyes were wide open but she didn’t seem to be seeing anything. Remus took a few deep breaths to calm down and moved a little closer. “Lily?” he probed.

“I—I never…they just took—Remus, please help me…”

“What do you need?”

“Can you go get James for me?” she asked, her voice choked.

Remus paused, horrified. Was she delusional?

“Because I would really appreciate that because I really want to talk to him and I think if you were to go to Italy and fetch his bloody arse back here I’d be a bit easier to live with.”

Remus breathed a sigh of relief. He thought she had meant to go get him from the other room or something. “I wish I could. I’d do that for you, Lily.”

She smiled absently. “I know you would. You’re bloody mad.”

“Not mad,” Remus corrected. “Just very devoted to your greatness.”

She giggled. “Oh—you deserve to know,” she announced, sobering. Her eyes were very sad, but she had gained some control. “I sort of…I followed someone who found me the instant I got there and asked me if I was looking for James. It was stupid, I know…but I wanted him so bad…”

Remus nodded, wondering whether he should ask her to wait while he went to get Sirius. He wouldn’t appreciate missing this explanation.

“And he Stunned me and when I woke up there was this woman—her name was Mary. And she…well…” Lily fidgeted. “She made me go into labor with a spell,” she whispered finally.

The silence in the room was shocking. It pounded against Remus’s ears and he swallowed hard. “But—you were only—“

“Five months,” Lily supplied miserably. “And I…after that they moved me to this wonderful room and took care of me but I was still a prisoner, you know? And then they told me I could leave—on the thirtieth, and they took me to the main room—the headquarters of the Order is so beautiful—it’s a palace. But Mary…oh, Remus, she apologized! And I couldn’t take it so I told her not to talk to me and I threw the floo powder in the fire but she touched my arm. I couldn’t stand it and I pushed her and I said ‘The Leaky Cauldron’ and began to leave—and then he ran into the room and headed for Mary—do you realize that if I had stayed to help her I would have met up with James?”

Remus looked at her, quite speechless. He didn’t know people could talk that fast.

“So if I had just let my—my stupid pride go for about two seconds, I would have spoken to James—and I could have—have told him about the b-b-baby and I wouldn’t have to be so alone in this—”

“You’re far from alone, Lily,” Remus chided gently.

“But it’s not the same, is it?” she queried, wiping her eyes. “We all know that neither you nor Sirius can be James to me, just as I can’t be Maria to you or whoever Sirius is in love with to Sirius. There’s still a difference.”

“I’m not in love with Maria,” was all Remus said, and at that very weakly.

“Kidding yourself will help no one,” Lily said gently, reaching out and putting a piece of Remus’s hair back into place. “If you leave it too long you might as well give up. Sometimes it’s just much too late.”

Remus could remember Maria telling him about something Lily had said—something about it never being too late.

Cynicism was really a terrible thing.

“No,” Remus said firmly, looking up and meeting Lily’s teary gaze. “It’s never going to be too late for you.”

“We were talking about you and Maria,” Lily protested.

“No we weren’t. And it’ll never be too late for you and James. You’ll make it. No matter what, you two will make it.”

___________________________

December 24, 1978

___________________________

8:46 a.m.

Over the two weeks leading up to Christmas Eve, Lily managed to go to work every day, serve customers with a forced smile on her face, celebrate her birthday by sitting on a park bench and brooding, and explain things to Sirius. And so, Christmas Eve Morning found Lily in Diagon Alley in the middle of a light snowfall. She had gotten the morning off until about two in the afternoon, when the real rush would start. This way, she had enough time to find gifts for her rather cantankerous flatmates.

It was so rare for her to pull herself out of her depression to go shopping that she savored the day, tossing her head and breathing deeply the scents of Christmas. Snow, gingerbread, cinnamon, and peppermint continuously leaked out from the door of Florean Fortescue’s. She considered going in there but staved off the desire, promising herself something after she found presents.

By the time two hours had passed, Lily had determined that shopping for two eighteen year olds who were just becoming men was the hardest thing anyone would ever have to do.

She decided to sod it and walked back up the entire alley, back to Quality Quidditch Supplies, where she picked up something signed for Sirius—a poster or a print or perhaps even a book (she couldn’t really figure out what it was), and then a miniature model of a Pitch for Remus.

Halfway to the counter, Lily paused.

Remus and Sirius were…

Well, they were like her brothers. They had been wonderful—and the last thing they needed from her was a useless gift that she had hardly put any thought in to. So, with a sigh, she put down her items and began again. She spent ten more minutes in the Quidditch shop and then left, for there was nothing suitable.

“Lily?”

She nearly jumped out of her skin; she whirled and pointed her wand at the speaker, instantly relaxing before realizing just what she was seeing.

It was Maria.

“Maria? Are you—oh my God, how are you?”

“I’m good,” Maria answered, hugging Lily tightly and kissing her cheek. “And you?”

“Not so great,” Lily replied. “But I’ll be okay.”

“Listen, can we sit down somewhere?”

Lily nodded and they sat at one of the outdoor tables at Fortesuce’s. Maria reached into her bag and pulled out a large roll of parchment tied together with a string. She handed it to Lily.

“For my end of the year project, I researched ways to battle lycanthropy.”

Lily stopped breathing.

“And I think I got it, actually. Boot failed me and I have to make it up over the summer, and Snape wouldn’t help me, but I think I got most of it. I just—I need to get it to somebody. Somebody who can finish it.” Maria took a deep breath. “Give it to Remus. Let him decide what to do with it.”

Lily finally came to life, shaking her head and trying to hand the parchments back. “Oh, no. Maria—give it to him yourself.”

“No! Not a chance. I’m not seeing him.”

“Well, why not? It can’t hurt!”

“Lily—come on. Remus and I aren’t dating anymore. I’m sorry if he thinks we are—”

“Oh, he doesn’t,” Lily said angrily. “He just didn’t understand why you were ignoring him.”

“I was busy!” Maria defended. “With this and with making up a new project so I don’t ruin my career over my arse of a Potions Professor! And I realize maybe I should have spoken to him earlier but it didn’t work out that way. He told me not to visit him—”

“You could have at least owled!”

“But I don’t like being the first to owl!” Maria cried furiously. “It’s like—it’s like hard to get! The boy always owls first!”

“You’re mad, Maria!”

“You’d like to think so,” she said venomously. “But I’m not. The least he could—he didn’t say a word to me. Just shagged me on the train, looked at me, and then left the compartment. And then on that bloody platform he walked over to me and stood in front of me and just stared, and then he walked off with his friends—I felt like a trollop, Lily, more than I ever have in my life—Jesus—I want him so bad—but I heard—”

Maria clamped her mouth shut.

“Heard what?” Lily probed.

“Just give him the damn notes,” Maria said vehemently. “And tell him that I hope he’s happy with Annie.”

Well, Lily though. That’s interesting.

12:02 p.m.

James pulled another parchment over to him and stamped it with the Order’s official seal.

Three more hours and he was done with the bloody paperwork.

1:58 p.m.

Lily had returned to work early. She immediately put on an apron and washed her hands, then began serving drinks and a complimentary glass of eggnog to each patron at the bar.

This was actually quite fun. She would miss it when she went to Hogwarts.

4:21 p.m.

James woke from his nap with a start.

He knew what he needed to do if he wanted to leave.

He jumped up and went over to his closet, rifling through his robes, trying to find the ones he had been wearing—

There, underneath the desk.

He pulled the combat robes from under the desk, coughing as dusk flew out with the cloth. He shook the robes out and could have wept with relief when he felt something heavy in the pocket. He pulled out the small, glass box he taken from the tunnel in India.

“And because you two got married right out of school, it changed things so that Voldemort got a hold of a scroll which helped him become immortal—”

James would bet every chance he ever had of meeting Lily again that this was the scroll Voldemort wanted. Hadn’t Jugson been looking at the walls, as if searching for something?

James threw his robes on the chair and took a deep breath. If he was wrong, he had just gotten his hopes up in a way he couldn’t afford to do. He calmed himself down, then went to picked up the papers that has scattered when he threw his cloak.

Reports, notes, memos, charts—charts?

Oh, yes. Mary’s charts. There were three of them. He would go give those back to her now, and then ask if she knew anything about the scroll.

He never got that far, because as he picked them up, one chart fell to the ground and he bent to pick it up, catching sight of the name.

Evans, Lily.

5:06 p.m.

He would kill her. It was as simple as that. She was going to die, and it was going be at his hands—his bare hands, preferably, which were shaking uncontrollably after the revelations he had just been given.

Mary would just have to pay.

Lily had been here—pregnant…five months…that was—late May. He had been sleeping with her in late May.

Fuck—he’d gotten her pregnant. Of all the idiotic things to do—

He could see the train wreck of events clearly in his mind. He got her pregnant, she broke up with him, she found out she was pregnant, they found out their child would kill them—oh, Merlin—what was he going to do?

James moaned aloud and put his head in his hands, jumping when he heard a knock on the door.

He got up and stumbled over to the door and opened it, revealing Mary in a plain green dress.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?” he choked out, restraining himself from hitting her.

“I’m leaving—James, what’s wrong?”

“You—you—Lily.”

It was amazing how one word could make a person change. She blanched to a sickly white and stumbled, all her confidence leaving her with that one name. “How do you know about Lily?”

He motioned vaguely into his room, to the bed—where the chart was lying innocently on his dark covers. “I read it—is that true? You brought her here and killed her—my baby?”

She shook her head vigorously. “You weren’t supposed to know about the baby—”

“BUT I DO! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? HOW COULD YOU ORDER THE KILLING OF—how could you point your wand at a pregnant woman and kill her baby?”

“I don’t know,” Mary moaned, clutching at the doorframe.

“You don’t know?” he hissed. “How—you’re all bloody monsters—and that day in the Hall, when you fell—were you seeing her into the fire?”

Mary nodded the tiniest bit.

“Fuck—I thought I heard her voice—this is wrong…why am I here? I need to go find her…fuck.”

I need to stop saying fuck and be a little more creative.

“I’m so sorry—I’m leaving because of this James. I’m quitting…James, you have to understand, please forgive me—”

“F-forgive?” he asked, choking on laughter. “You want me to forgive you for killing my future kid? Are you mad?”

“Yes! I never meant to do something like this—it just had to happen—James, I love you—I wouldn’t ever—”

“I DON’T WANT YOU TO LOVE ME!” he bellowed.

“I DON’T WANT TO LOVE YOU EITHER, JAMES! BEING INVOLVED WITH YOU WOULD RUIN MY BLOODY LIFE!”

She was right, of course. Anyone who got involved with him ultimately ended up getting hurt.

“Well I wouldn’t even think of getting involved with you, Mary. Not before this—not after—never, do you hear me? D’you think somehow that saying ‘I love you’ to me makes it all better? It doesn’t—it makes it worse. You heartless bitch—I just want Lily—and I would’ve wanted that child, but I’m not going to get that chance, am I? And it’s all your BLOODY FAULT!”

“And I know that,” she whispered, quite suddenly sobbing. “I’m sorry—I’m sorry—I never meant to hurt either of you—” She leaned up and placed a gentle kiss on his mouth. “Goodbye—oh, I’ve got to go and I’m sorry—she’s back at home, go find her…please forgive me—”

She ran down the hall and the stairs, her heels clicking on the pink marble floors. James stood in his doorway, shocked, before erupting in a flurry of action. He waved his wand and two valises slid out from under the bed. Random items he owned began shrinking themselves and dropping into the traveling cases until everything was pack. The lids shut and he shrunk them, placing one in each of his pockets.

He left the glass box on his desk and paused, breathless. He looked around his room—he had learned so much at this place, things he would have never though possible. He would—miss it. The feeling of brotherhood with a group. It was like a family—Merlin knew he didn’t have a real one.

No—Sirius and Remus and Peter. They were family. And Lily.

Lily…

That decided him. He left the room, shut the door firmly, and was able to calmly walk out of the headquarters of L’Ordine di Luce, with no restraint and no contest.

6:56 p.m.

“I need to get to England. Now.”

The woman at the reception desk did not look up. “Where in England?”

“Er…London, I suppose.”

“Please move onto to the next window,” the woman said mechanically, recording something in a book.

James looked over at the next window, which had a line a mile long.

“Can’t you take me here?” he asked desperately.

First—he had not been able to Apparate to the Magical Apparation Licensing Office (MALO) because he didn’t know exactly where it was. Then he had had to get a taxi driven by a wizard (the taxis had wands drawn on the sides of the cars that only wizards and witches could see). They had reached the Office in record time considering the traffic in Rome.

“This window is closed.”

“The sign says open,” James said exasperatedly.

The woman only turned the sign around.

James looked at the line, then at the woman sitting at the desk in front of him. “Look—I’ve got an emergency, and all I need is a License to Apparate to London, England.”

“You also need a visa—and you do realize the wait in the London Office will be several hours long—?”

James slapped down the visa he had gotten from the Order, which allowed him to acquire a license to any country he chose immediately.

The woman took one look at the purple visa (only the visas of important people—or Order members—were purple in wizarding Italy) and flipped her sign right back around, looking up at James and smiling. “How can I help you today, sir?”

11:27 p.m.

Lily cleaned off a table with a cloth and some Disinfecting Potion, snapping her dishrag at Sam, who was once more drowning his misery in liquor at the bar. “Shouldn’t you be going home soon?” she inquired over the noise of men shouting t each other. The table she had been cleaning was instantly taken and soiled again.

Sam Higgins shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. My wife’s busy and my kids are grown. Your age, even. What’s an eighteen year old girl doing working in a pub?”

Sam got like this when he was drunk—he went off on different tangents and his thoughts jumped from place to place.

“Why’s your wife busy?” She poured him his second free glass of eggnog that night.

“Her cousin—got attacked by You-Know-Who. His wife—she’s gone.”

Lily winced. “I’m sorry.”

“Aye,” Sam said darkly. “Bloody attackers hit her right in the stomach with a Severing Charm—five months pregnant—”

Lily stared at Sam, feeling sick. Jesus—

“But you shouldn’t be hearing this,” Sam said gently. “You’re being hailed.”

Lily turned quickly so she wouldn’t have to think about that poor woman—a Severing Charm? Those monsters—

She saw Remus beckoning her over and she went. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Remus replied. “Just thought I’d stop by and say hello. Sirius is in the loo.”

“So there’s nothing else?” she asked, worried, even as she poured a tray of drinks for the table in the corner and walked out from behind the bar to deliver it. Remus followed her. She smiled at each customer as she set the drinks down.

“No. Nothing else. You look a little green.”

Lily shook her head. “Just—no, it’s nothing.”

“Aha,” said Sirius, behind her. “That’s what they all say.”

They walked back to the bar. “I just heard a little story from Sam,” Lily declared. “There’s nothing else.”

Sirius and Remus nodded, letting it go. “Did we tell you? Peter’s coming by the flat tonight.”

Lily smiled, genuinely pleased. “Really? I haven’t seen him in months. How is he?”

“We’ll find out tonight, I suppose,” Sirius said. “It’s snowing really badly out there.”

Lily sighed. “I love snow.”

“That’s why we gave you that snow globe for your birthday,” Sirius pointed out.

“And a very nice one it was,” Lily said cheekily, taking another tray of drinks out. The door opened again, letting in a crowd of people as well as a barrage of snow. Lily breathed in the scent as she delivered drinks, then went to get a broom to sweep the snow out the door. She cast a quick charm on the door to keep the snow out while she swept. She gave Sirius a sideways glance and bit her lip. “Sirius?”

“Mmm?”

“Did Remus go out with anyone named Annie this summer?”

Sirius frowned. “No…not that I can think of. He ran into that Ravenclaw—Annie Somers—a few times in Diagon Alley. She wouldn’t leave him alone, but then she found a boyfriend. Bloody mad bloke, that one is. Taking her on—she’s bonkers. Besides—he’s still hung up on Maria. He wouldn’t date anyone else. Why?”

Lily shrugged.

“So,” Sirius said after a moment of watching her. “What did you get us for Christmas?”

Lily laughed. “Am I really that likely to tell you?”

“No, but I love to ask. Aha!” Sirius said, repeating himself from earlier. “You got me a stripper in a cake!”

“Close enough,” Lily said. “Where’s Remus?”

“Getting chatted up by a hag. Be right back.”

Sirius walked away to rescue Remus, and ten minutes later, Lily realized that she was sweeping the last of the snow onto someone’s feet. Her eyes traveled up his legs, over his expensive yet dirty robes, up to the hazel eyes and the beautiful mouth and the glasses and the hair—

He was back.

30. Chapter Twenty-Eight: Sweet Reunion

I own nothing.

Chapter 28: Sweet Reunion

[She Paints Me Blue, by Something Corporate]

…………………………

December 24, 1979

…………………………

“To family!”

“To family!” everyone chorused, taking their glasses of champagne and sipping. Lily held hers at her side, smiling.

“To peace,” she said quietly, and it was echoed solemnly by every person in the room. Lily set her glass down and slid her hand into James’s, squeezing tightly. “Well…it’s…it’s almost a year after many of us joined the Order—and we, James and I, thought we’d make an announcement to celebrate…”

And it’s exactly a year after he came back.

The thought was startling. A year. So much had happened in a year it was mind-blowing.

…………………………

December 31, 1978

…………………………

“Lily—we’re going to be late!”

“I’m coming, Remus!” she yelled exasperatedly, searching under the bed for her shoe.

“Hurry up!”

She seized her shoe and yanked it on, running out into the hallway and putting her wand in her pocket. Sirius was waiting at the kitchen table with Remus.

“About time,” Sirius said. “Really, Lily—you think you’d be a bit more careful about those minutes.”

“Shut up,” she said. “Is Peter coming here first?”

“He’s already here,” Sirius said. “He’s waiting outside.”

“So what are we waiting for?”

Remus and Sirius exchanged a look. Lily’s heart rate sped up. “Oh—you two didn’t.”

“He’s our best friend! You two’ve got to talk some time.” Sirius met her eyes defiantly.

Lily shook her head vehemently. “We did. Just not about anything important. He’s been so busy and so have I…I’ll talk to him…I promise….just not now!”

Flames erupted in the fireplace. “Too late,” Sirius said, grabbing her arm to keep her from running. “We’re all in this together. Put your differences aside for a little while.”

Lily steeled herself as James stepped out of the fireplace, dusting soot from his robes. “Are we ready to go?” he asked briskly. “Where’s Peter?”

“What, no hello?” Sirius asked.

James gave him a cursory glance and focused on Remus. “Peter?”

“Outside,” Remus said quietly, staring hard at James and then looking at Lily, who felt like she was going to burst into tears if he didn’t just look at her.

He didn’t. He simply went over to the door and left the flat. They heard him clatter down the rickety stairs.

“Bastard,” Sirius said, standing and dragging Lily with him to the door. Remus followed. Soon they were outside on the noisy streets of London, following James and Peter to the Underground. Lily bought them tickets and the five got into one of the packed cars.

Traveling on New Year’s Eve was not a good idea. Lily had no space to move any part of her body and she had her back pressed up against James’s front. She held rigid and felt one of his hands slowly run over her hip and up her side, then down again.

The train stopped and Lily pulled away, feeling something strange in the pit of her stomach. She stepped over to Sirius’s other side, away from James, and they quickly walked through a small park. Within moments, they stood in front of a gray house with maroon shutters and a black door, and Remus knocked twice fast, then twice slow.

The door was pulled open by a woman in her mid-fifties. She was plump and stocky but intimidating, and a cat sat at her feet. Lily trembled—this was Ana Figg’s mother.

“Come in,” she said, and if she resented any of them for their part in her daughter’s death, she showed it not at all. The five stepped into the house and allowed her to take their coats, and then she led them down a flight of stairs into a small basement that was crowded with people. Lily knew only a few of them. She had met the Longbottoms at Hogwarts—they had been four years older, and Hestia Jones had been in the year above them. Lily waved at her and Hestia smiled back. There were many familiar faces but none that she knew personally. She recognized Arthur Weasley but his wife, Molly, was missing, and she saw Molly’s brothers, Gideon and Fabian Prewett. She grinned at Hagrid and he winked at her.

Dumbledore was standing at the front of the bustling room and when he saw them enter he cleared his throat. Instantly the room went silent.

“Please sit,” he said cordially, and the twenty or so people in the room quietly found chairs. Lily ended up next to Remus and in front of James, with Sirius and Peter in front of her. The chairs in the small room were so close together that she could feel James’s breath on her neck. She scooted her chair forward and heard a sarcastic laugh behind her. About to whirl and hit James right on his stupid mouth, she felt Remus’s hand on her arm. Ever-so-slightly, he shook his head and Lily took a deep breath, halting.

Dumbledore had begun a speech about Voldemort. Lily tried to listen but she continued to zone out until she felt Remus kick her in the leg. She looked at him and realized that he was standing, along with Sirius, Peter, and various other people in the room.

“These are the new members of the Order of the Phoenix. Please make them feel welcome. All of them are needed.”

Lily managed a tremulous smile at the smattering of applause and then she collapsed back in her chair, spent. All of sudden all she wanted to do was sleep for a thousand years and wake up when everything was okay again.

“Don’t leave all at once. Take it in shifts.”

Lily frowned. So that was the induction into the Order? No tattoos—no silly wand waving?

Well of course not. The Order of the Light was bloody fanatical. This is just to survive.

“Who wants to go out for a few drinks?”

Lily glanced at Sirius and decided that he wasn’t trying to set her and James up. She shook her head. “No…”

“Well, I can’t go back to the Leaky Cauldron for a couple hours,” James said.

“Why?” Peter’s voice was hoarse and broken. Lily looked at him sharply.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine!”

“Don’t snap at her,” Sirius said immediately, glaring at Peter. For once, Peter glared right back. Sirius, shocked, glanced away.

“Tom just said not to come back for a while. I think I’ll stay away all night—it’s New Year’s Eve—I don’t want to know why I wouldn’t be able to go to my room.”

“Blimey,” Sirius said, “it’s New Year’s Eve. I’d forgotten. You can crash at our flat, Prongs. That couch has your name on it.”

“I don’t think so…”

“Doesn’t matter. You’re staying. Now come on: it’s only about eleven…we’ll go out for a toast to new beginnings.”

On second thought, maybe Sirius was trying to set her and James up.

“I’m too tired,” Lily said, just as James said, “No—I need sleep.”

Their eyes met for the first time that night and Lily’s breath caught in her throat. Maybe—maybe tonight…

“Well I just need to stop off at the flat and pick up my coat,” said Remus. “Then Sirius and Peter and I will go and you two can sleep.”

Decided, though not without quite some awkwardness, they got the okay to leave and departed from the house, bidding goodbye to Hagrid and Mrs. Figg as they saw them. They walked slowly through the park and waited for almost twenty minutes for the train to arrive.

Somehow they got separated on board and of course, Lily ended up with only James. The cars were even more crowded than before and her face was so close to his she could see the incredibly fine lines around his eyes. It shocked her—he was only eighteen.

“James—”

“Not now,” he said, almost pleading, his breathing ragged.

“Yes…” she began, but he put his hands on her hips and drew her up against him so she could feel his pelvis pressed tightly against hers. His lips traced her hairline down to her ear.

“Being within ten feet of you has me harder than one of Hagrid’s rock cakes—”

She fought the urge to laugh and her eyes fluttered shut as he pushed his hips hard against hers.

Oh…friction…blessed friction.

It had been entirely too long.

“It’s not funny. What’s a bloke to do when everyone glares at me if I get closer to you than I should? I haven’t even had time to wank—”

“James!”

“Well it’s true. It’s been a long time, love.”

Her eyes closed and she put her head down on his shoulder, ready to sob herself to sleep right there. It was James—and he—it was James!

“We should talk—“

“Merlin—please—later…”

Lily nodded against his robes, smiling widely and trying to hide it. Her breath hitched at the thought of his hands on her skin again. The train stopped and they got off, pulling away from each other but not straying too far. They made it to the flat and passed Sirius and Peter, who were waiting outside the building, waiting for Remus. Lily only noticed them in passing and mumbled some sort of greeting before following James inside and up the stairs.

Remus was struggling with the coats in the closet and James was standing outside the flat door. Lily stopped behind him and nudged him, prompting him to squeeze past Remus and into the flat. Lily followed him and nearly sighed with relief when Remus finally found his coat. He paused and looked at the two of them, his eyes taking in their closeness.

“Will you two be alright here?” he asked warily.

“Yes,” Lily said quickly, wanting him to leave them alone. “We’ll be just fine. I’ve got to go to Hogwarts tomorrow so I’ll have to get up bright and early.”

Remus’s lips twitched upwards. “I think Sirius and I will sleep at Peter’s tonight,” he said offhandedly, before leaving and shutting the door of the flat in their gaping faces.

“He knows,” Lily said, mortified.

“Knows what?”

She glanced at him. “What’s going to happen tonight. That’s what he knows.”

“And what exactly is going to happen tonight?”

Lily took her eyes away from him and looked at the floor. “Lots of things.”

“Lily…”

She shut her eyes and smiled as they moved closer to each other. So long had she gone without hearing him say her name. It was as if everything that had happened was finally disappearing. They had wasted so much time, and now they had to make up for it, every way that they could.

They fell asleep sweaty and sated and tangled in her blue sheets and woke many times during the night to satisfy themselves again. Sometime around three in the morning she heard voices and later realized that James had been gone for an awfully long time. She got up to look for him and found him gone, with only a short note explaining that Dumbledore needed him on the table.

Lily couldn’t help but cry over him again, and she cursed herself for being so ridiculous.

………………………

January 18, 1979

………………………

“Wilkins! How many times do I have to tell you not to look at Quidditch plays during class? Detention. Seven o’clock, sharp.”

Daniel Wilkins glared up at her, his teeth bared. Lily met his gaze coolly, trying to quell the inkling of fear that stirred within her chest. Wilkins was only a year younger than her and in Slytherin, and he obviously didn’t like being told what to do by a professor only a year older than he that had been in Gryffindor. Lily had met him several times when he had briefly hung around the Gryffindor table because of Maria, and she had never liked him. Now, she had to deal with him every day as one of his primary focuses on the N.E.W.T.s would be Charms.

Thankfully, class ended right at the moment and Lily turned away, feeling Wilkins’s eyes burning into the back of her head. She reminded the Slytherins and Ravenclaws about the essay that was due the following week and let them go, glad that she only had one class left to go before she was free for the afternoon.

Her seventh year Gryffindor and Hufflepuff class was due in ten minutes. She stacked the homework she had received from the Slytherins and Ravenclaws into one pile and set it off to the side, pulling her lesson plan for the day to the center of her desk, where she could refer to it as needed. She drummed her fingers on her desk and waited for her students.

Maria and her friend Grace were the first to arrive and their peers quickly followed. Lily began the same lesson she had just taught the previous class, her voice hoarse from talking so much. Lecturing on the three different types of Confundus Charms and the various levels of strength in each was no small feat, especially if it had to be done for three hours. By the time she had set them to work on a set of questions, she was dying for a glass of water. Deciding that the class could fend for themselves, she left Grace in charge and went to fetch one from the teacher’s lounge. She could have just conjured some, but magicked food and water were never as good as the real thing.

By the time she returned, Grace was watching helplessly as Maria wildly kissed Jonathan Davis. There had been rumors about them being serious at the beginning of Lily’s seventh year, but then again, Lily had had little to do with Maria at the beginning of last year. She had had her own share of problems to deal with, what with Sunny and Ana and Sirius and James…

Lily shook it off and promptly gave both students detention, ruefully thinking that she was going to have to find a lot of work to give three students in one night. No matter—there was always plenty of scrubbing to be done in the castle.

Three minutes before she was about to dismiss class, someone knocked on the door. Frowning, Lily looked up. “Come in!” she called, curious as to why the visitor had not entered.

It was James.

Lily gripped the edge of the desk so hard her knuckles went white. “Class dismissed,” she snapped to the students, standing quickly. She threw a glare at James and he stepped into the room, his face impassive. He stepped to the side as the students filed past him and glared darkly at Maria as she pranced out of the room, flirting outrageously with Davis. Maria breezed past him without so much as a glance but Davis gave a James a quick look before leaving.

When all the students were gone, James slammed the door shut and crossed the room in three strides until he was right in front of her desk. “What the fuck d’you think you’re playing at, Lily?” he growled, his face inches from hers. Lily met his eyes hotly.

“Pardon? What am I playing at? You left. Again!”

James winced but held his ground. “No notes—no messages. You disappeared off the bloody face of the earth—”

“Don’t give me that,” Lily began. “You knew I was coming here to teach until July—”

“But I forgot! And by the time I gathered the courage to casually ask Sirius where you were, it was already a week and a half after New Year’s! You can’t expect—”

“Expect you to change? All you ever do is bloody leave, James. What’s the point if you’re never going to stay?”

“I’d stay if you’d bloody let me, Lily—”

She drew back her hand and slapped him hard across the face. James reeled backwards for a moment and then leaned forward, grabbing her and kissing her deeply. He released her and she staggered.

“Don’t ever think I didn’t want you to stay,” she hissed, licking her lips. “I’ve wanted you to stay for the past two years but you never bothered.”

“Maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation if you’d swallowed you fucking pride and not dumped me last year.”

“Yeah, and maybe if I hadn’t I’d be dead,” she said acidly, and immediately she knew she had gone to far. He opened his mouth several times and then shut it.

“What the hell d’you mean?”

“Well the Order of Light wanted you bad enough to kill your baby, so maybe they wouldn’t stop at killing me to release you of any ties to England.”

“They wouldn’t,” he whispered, and Lily saw that he had never considered this before.

“They would, James, and you know it. So maybe it’s for the best that you left. But…you should have stayed on New Year’s.” Lily looked down at her hands and sat on the desk.

James dropped into a chair and leaned his arms against the desktop, lacing his fingers through his hair and letting his head hang down. He looked utterly defeated. “Maurice Butler died that night. Dumbledore needed my help.”

Lily paused. She had not thought about why he had left, only that he had. “Oh….”

“Were you…were you scared?” he asked quietly.

“I’m not that weak. I was just angry—”

“No…I mean…when…when the Order took you.”

There was a heavy silence.

“I was terrified,” she admitted.

“I should have saved you,” he said, his voice laden with regret and guilt.

“Well that’s a heroic notion,” Lily said gently, coming out from behind her desk and leaning beside his chair. “but you can’t be everywhere. It happened…”

“It shouldn’t have, Lily. You shouldn’t have been hurt like that.”

“You’re not exactly in a model state of mind either.”

“I love you so much,” he said finally, his voice low and thick. He lifted his head and looked at her and she smiled.

“I love you too, James….”

“I didn’t mean to…to get you pregnant. You should have told me.”

She got to her feet and sat in his lap, putting her arms around his neck and almost sobbing with relief when his went around her waist. She fit her head against his shoulder and did cry then, simply because it felt so good. “You had already accepted. I made up my mind to tell me and then I found out. And I just…I couldn’t. Maria knew. She told—”

But James made an angry noise and Lily looked at him, wiping tears from her eyes. “What? What’s wrong?”

“Maria,” James said through clenched teeth. “What she did to Remus.”

“Well…he shagged her on the train. Not the best place to sleep together for the first and last time. And then he didn’t say anything to her. She was so confused…and then there was this girl…Annie? She went after Remus and Maria found out and misunderstood.”

“She should have talked to him,” James said vehemently. “He’s devastated.”

“He’s fine,” Lily replied, bewildered. “He’s just fine—”

“You don’t get it. He’s pretending to be fine. He knows about Davies—no, Davis? Davis. Remus knows about him and nothing’s worse than pretending you’re happy when the person you want is with someone else.”

It had been so long since he had alluded to her being with Sirius that Lily almost didn’t understand. She looked down and took a deep breath. “So why doesn’t he say something? You know...Maria dedicated her end of the year Potions project to him. She studied ways to cure lycanthropy and she actually got very far. I was supposed to give the research to Remus for a Christmas gift but I just…couldn’t bring myself to do it. I figure I’ll take it to a specialist sometime.”

“I know someone in Italy,” James said absently, staring off into space. “She’s very good, actually. Best of her field.”

Lily squashed down jealousy.

James’s gaze became clearer and he focused on her. His breath when he drew one in was deep and Lily shivered. “Can we pick up where we left off?”

Lily furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…do we have to go through the motions of dating and being together again or can we just…go on from where we ended.”

Lily’s first reaction was to tell him to take things slowly, but she stopped. Truly—did she want to slow down? Did she want to keep herself from sleeping with him simply because he had been gone and they had not seen each other for so long?

It was the right thing to do. It would help them heal if they gradually intensified their relationship.

Or it may kill them.

Times were too uncertain to bet on a lot of time to work things out.

Lily shook herself and smiled. “Yes. Let’s pick up where we left off.”

And she kissed him.

…………………………

February 10, 1979

…………………………

“A drink, James?”

He shook his head quickly, glancing at her and then away. Lily frowned and turned her back to him busying herself with organizing the crystal decanters as she tried to fathom what was wrong with James. He had been unnaturally jumpy since he had first walked in, glancing around as if expecting someone to be there and reluctant to touch her.

Well, touch her he would.

She stepped forward and sat down on the couch next to him. “Are you alright?”

He nodded jerkily and she sighed, leaning in. He pulled back and cleared his throat.

“Lily…”

“Can it wait?”

He shook his head, began to nod and turned it into a shake, and then, finally, nodded vigorously. “It can wait.”

Oh, how reluctant he looked!

“Good,” Lily said firmly, leaning in and kissing him. He was stiff at first but then he pulled her closer and kissed her in earnest.

Lily jumped when she heard the knock on the door and pulled away from James, moaning. It had been so long since he had visited her and she was aching to touch him, but obviously fate had other plans. She got up to open the door, smoothing out her hair and making sure her clothes were tidy. With a quick look at James to make sure he was presentable, she swung open her door.

It was unusual for anyone to visit her at her living quarters at any time, let alone this late at night. However, the sight of Mary in her doorway was enough to make Lily grasp the doorframe and sway, feeling the blood drain from her face.

“Who is it?” James asked, and Lily jumped at the deep sound of his voice. It always shocked her that his voice had grown so deep and low while he had been in Italy. Perhaps it was all the training and toning he had done.

“It’s me,” Mary said, very quietly, and James swore.

“Mary?” he asked disbelievingly, coming up behind Lily, his bulk warm behind her shoulder.

“Yes.”

“What are you doing here?” Lily asked, finding her voice.

“I wanted to apologize again.”

James made a sound of fury deep in his chest and grabbed the edge of the door to slam it, but Lily braced her palms against the wood and halted him.

“Why?” she asked simply, staring hard at Mary. Whether any of them liked it or not, Mary owed her something, and it was something big.

“For everything I did that hurt you,” Mary answered, her gaze cool and direct.

“There’s a whole lot of things,” James said bitterly, but Mary ignored him and kept her gaze on Lily’s.

Lily’s eyes fluttered shut. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” she whispered. “It doesn’t.”

They all knew it did but no one said anything.

“I’m getting married in a month,” Mary finally said, and now she finally looked at James, who stiffened.

“To who?” he asked, his voice perfectly even.

Mary looked down. “Emilio.”

James caught a hissing breath between his teeth. “Mary,” he said softly, disappointment heavy in his voice.

She lifted her chin. “I’m happy. Here’s an invitation. Please come. Both of you.”

“We’ll see,” Lily said.

Of course they wouldn’t.

Mary stepped back and turned away, walking slowly down the hall. Lily and James watched until she turned the corner and then James shut the door, taking the invitation from Lily and throwing it onto a side table.

“Ignore her,” he said quietly. “Forget it all.”

“She looked so thin,” Lily mused. “And her face—so pinched! So white!”

“She works at a desk all day,” James pointed out.

“So? Still…and her hair is so very dark.”

“Lily…please forget about her.”

Lily shook her head. “I can’t.”

A familiar gleam came into James’s eyes and he looked at her. “Why don’t we play a game?”

“A game?”

James nodded. “Yes. A game. You say a word and I’ll say the first word that comes to mind. See where it takes us.”

Lily grinned, remembering the last time they had played this. “Alright.”

“You start.”

Lily thought and then said something lame. “February.”

James did not laugh as she expected him to. In fact—he look pensive. Almost too pensive for such a carefree game…. “Valentines.”

“Candy.”

“Hearts.”

“Breaking.”

James winced. “China.”

“Asia.”

“India.”

“Planes.”

James frowned. “Grass.”

“Illegal.”

“Immigration.”

“Foreign.”

James bit his lip, almost nervously.

What is wrong with him?

“Italy.”

“Order of Light.”

Relief dawned on James’s face and some of his cocky manner returned. “Emilio.”

“Mary—”

“Me.”

Lily stopped short and her eyes flew to his, which were dancing. She shook her head slowly, not daring to believe. “James…”

He reached into his pocket and drew out a ring. The stone was red, a warm, comforting red Lily had never seen before. It was set in a band of shimmering, smooth, hard material that caught the firelight and held it.

“Oh—James—”

He sat, waiting patiently. He did not get down on one knee. He did not present her with flowers. He simply sat there, waiting.

At length, Lily nodded, unable to speak, and he slipped the ring on her finger, where it fit perfectly, of course.

And that was that.

…………………………

June 21, 1979

…………………………

“I think I may be sick.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and shared a glance with Remus, handing James a glass of water.

“Why the hell are you going to be sick, James? You’ll be fine.”

“Things aren’t looking so good right now,” James said acidly. “Less than two hours—”

“And you’ll be married—to Lily. Buck up, mate.”

James sank two more glasses of water before giving Remus, who was standing next to the cabinet, a rueful glance. “Pour me a drink, Moony?”

“Oh, no!” Sirius said immediately. “It’s your wedding morning. No alcohol. You’re not showing up smashed because Lily will kill us.”

Peter walked in from the kitchen, pancakes on a plate before him. He set them down in front of James, who took a fork and stabbed one. A grating noise issued and he winced. “They’re frozen!”

Peter laughed nervously and performed a warming charm, leaving the pancakes soggy in a pool of icy water.

“Thanks, Wormtail,” James said forlornly, staring down at the mess.

Sirius whisked the plate away and Banished it to the kitchen.

“Okay, Prongs,” he said, sitting down across from his best friend. “Breathe.”

……

“Is everything okay, Lily?”

Lily nodded, smiling slightly at Maria and turning her head to look out the window again.

“Not nervous?”

Lily shook her head, her smile a bit wider.

“Excited?”

Lily bit back a grin and nodded vigorously.

“Lily—”

“I’m getting married today!” Lily said loudly, making Maria jump and laugh.

“Well, yes. You want to get in your dress. Less than an hour and then you’ll be Mrs. James Potter.”

Lily hugged herself happily and got up, smiling happily at Maria. She felt so content she could hardly help from grabbing Maria and telling her to go out and be happy.

Just looking at Maria put a damper on her mood, though. Lily had asked for special permission for Maria to come to the wedding, as school was still in session for another week and a half or so, and she was worried about what Maria would do when she saw Remus, and vice versa.

For Maria had not come alone, she had brought along Jonathan Davis as an escort, and he was sitting in the next room right now with all the other guests. The two girls were in an antechamber off the main hall, getting ready.

“Who…who’s going to walk you down the aisle?” Maria asked quietly, not looking at Lily as she pulled the white gown from its protective covering.

“Peter,” Lily said quickly. “And…Remus.”

Maria’s hands jerked, almost ripping the garment bag, but she steadied them in only a moment. Lily had not originally wanted Peter to walk her, but it would be a snub to the fourth member of the Marauders because Sirius had a position as the best man and Remus was standing in for her father. Lily had eventually decided that both Remus and Peter could give her away.

Oh—a wave of sickness passed over Lily at that thought—her father…gone…

And her mother too. She wouldn’t see this, wouldn’t see her daughter married…

Lily sank into a chair and tried to calm her labored breathing before Maria noticed. By the time the younger girl had the dress ready for Lily to step into, her breaths were even and her face was composed. Maria did up the tiny row of buttons on the back of the dress and turned Lily to face the mirror, placing the veil over her head.

“You look beautiful,” Maria whispered. “Absolutely beautiful. You’re going to knock him dead.”

Lily smiled shyly at her reflection. She did look good. It was the glow.

The I’m-getting-married-to-James-Potter-in-just-a-few-moments-and-we’re-going-to-have-as-much-sex-as-we-want-tonight glow.

She flushed and shifted from foot to foot.

“Lily…”

Lily looked quickly at Maria and saw the other girl avert her eyes. “Yes?”

“Nothing—”

“Remus?”

Maria shook her head fiercely. “We’re not talking about this now, okay? Not on your wedding morning.”

Nerves were beginning to set in. Lily needed something to occupy her time. “No. Now. Sit.”

Maria sat and Lily braced herself against the arm of one of the chairs so as not to ruin the dress.

“I don’t need him anymore,” Maria said simply.

“What do you mean?” Lily asked, furrowing her brow.

“I mean…I have Jon. I don’t need Remus. I don’t think I love him anymore either. It’s been a year and I’ve…well, I’ve gotten over him.”

“So…what is it that you want me to do?” Lily asked bluntly.

“Could you…talk to him for me—”

“No!” Lily cried, just as the door opened.

“Five minutes,” one of the ushers said. Lily nodded impatiently and he shut the door.

“Please…I know he thinks there’s some chance we could still—”

“Don’t be conceited!” Lily scolded. “Remus is fine without you.”

He’s devastated. But apparently you don’t care.

“Lily—”

“No. You’re my maid-of-honor—please go out and do what you must, and you talk to Remus afterwards. That is, if you can tear your lips away from Davis’s long enough to speak to him.”

Maria and she locked gazes and Lily softened. “Oh, Maria. You were right. We shouldn’t have talked about this now. It’s my wedding. Please be happy.”

Maria smiled tremulously, nodding and looking on the verge of tears. She took the flowers and gently handed them to Lily, picking up her heavy skirt and walking out the door in front of Lily.

As if by some warped coincidence, Remus was standing in the hall leading to the double doors of the inner sanctum of the cathedral. He and Maria froze before Maria pushed past him and stood in line behind the flower girls.

The procession started and Lily took Remus’s arm.

“Peter is taking the ring up instead,” he whispered in her ear, and she squeezed his arm tightly.

“Thank you.”

Maria walked through the doors. The bridal march sounded.

“Let’s go get you married,” Remus said lightly, smiling down at her, and they took the first steps towards Lily’s new life.

………………………………

31. Chapter Twenty-Nine: Only the Best

I own nothing

……

Chapter 29: Only The Best

[Best of Me, by The Starting Line]

…………………………

July 31, 1979

…………………………

Lily looked over at James from the corner of her eyes and smiled. “James?”

“Hmm?” He did not look up from the Crossword Puzzle he was doing and chewed on his quill tip.

“Do you think we should get different plates?

“Hmm,” he said mystifyingly.

“And new bed linens and towels?”

“Mmm.” He marked something on his paper.

“What about a cat? A Muggle cat?”

“Uh huh, love.”

Lily grinned as James dropped his quill and glared at her. The last time they had been in London an ordinary Muggle cat had jumped in front of James, hissing. He had yelled out and almost run away, explaining to her that it reminded him of Mrs. Norris. His troublemaking instincts were still with him.

“You let a blasted cat in my—our house, and I’ll divorce you.”

“Nonsense,” Lily said, waving her hand airily. “You love me too much.”

His gaze was unbearably warm as he stared at her. “That I do,” he murmured, and then his smile widened. Lily glared more, hoping that whatever was going through his mind was not X-rated.

“Did the post come?” she asked, already going over to the table to check. Her muscles groaned as she left the comfortable armchair by the fire. Lily stepped over the creaking floorboard so as not to disturb James.

“What’s a four letter word for ‘knockout’?” James asked.

Lily shrugged, rifling through the post. Her eye caught sight of a letter addressed to her and she grabbed it, ripping it open. The parchment was heavy and formal, the ink of good quality. She peered at the writing that looked like slashes of a quill and her jaw dropped. “James—I—I got into Auror Training.”

He lifted his head, smiling. “Really? Congratulations. So did I.”

Lily frowned and put down her letter. “I didn’t know you applied.”

James shrugged, already concentrating on his crossword again. “Dumbledore helped me out. He got me anonymous recommendations from the Order of Light….” James trailed off as he saw the discomfort on her face and he shut up about that place, his quill scratching at the paper.

“So how long will you be in training for?” Lily asked offhandedly, going back to her letter.

“Oh, give or take six months,” he answered.

Lily’s head shot up, her mouth hanging open. “Six—six months?” she squeaked. “I’ve got to train for—a year—plus field tests!”

He looked up. “I told you, recommendations.”

“But I’m better than you!” Lily cried. James raised an eyebrow and she dropped her heated tone. “Well I—I mean....”

James sighed. He finally put down his crossword and put the quill aside. “Look, Lily, when they see that you’re better than the other trainees they’ll undoubtedly advance you a level or two. I reckon you’ll be done around the same time I am.”

Lily made a face. “I’m not two years old, James. I just don’t like being second best. Let me have my tantrum. We don’t fight nearly enough.”

James shrugged. “Suit yourself. Can we skip the part where you lock yourself in the room and get straight to the make-up shag?”

Lily shrugged as well and undid her robe, stepping forward and hopping up on the table so she was facing him. He was already pulling her shirt over her head. “Sure. Why not?”

…………………………

August 13, 1979

…………………………

The house was rather small, but it suited their needs perfectly. Lily knew that they had to keep a low profile—all Order members did—and she also knew that she and James needed nothing more until their situation called for more rooms.

They had not discussed children yet, but Lily knew it was bound to come up sometime. However, she did not want to be the one who brought it up. The idea of talking to James about it simply terrified her. It wasn’t that she didn’t want children—Merlin, she wanted children so badly! She just didn’t know whether James wanted to wait or whether he wanted to jump right in and get started. They were still eighteen…but Lily’s mother had had Petunia when she was twenty, and James’s mother had had him when she was nineteen. Lily had absolutely no clue what, exactly, she could do in order to get this situation out of the way, but something had to be done.

Aside from that.

Lily stirred the soup several more times, splashing some out of the pot and onto the pages of the cookbook. She frowned and tried to wipe them away from the watery brown liquid just smeared. Lily pouted, feeling childish, and stirred some more before taking the pot off the heat and setting it aside. She put on a Heating Charm to keep it warm against James’s return. He had gone out earlier with the Prewett twins for some odd reason, not telling her why.

Prat.

Lily sat down with her book and looked up two hours later when James walked in, taking off his cloak and dropping it on the floor. He didn’t notice her because the lights were dim. Some time ago she had put down her book and sat in the dying sunlight shining through the window, staring out over the hill of patchy grass lit up red.

“Hey,” Lily said softly.

“Shit,” James swore, whirling around and rubbing his eyes beneath his glasses. “What are you doing here? What are you doing up?”

“It’s only half-past seven,” Lily said worriedly, getting up and dropping her book to the floor. Her eyes skimmed over his shadowy figure and she winced as her legs pricked; they had fallen asleep ages ago.

“Oh. It feels later.” With that, James turned and went into the kitchen. “When did you make this soup?” he called out to her.

Lily walked stiffly over to the doorway. “A few hours ago.” He tried a spoonful and made a face, but she ignored the insult to her cooking. “What did you talk about with Gideon and Fabian?”

James shook his head. “Nothing much.” Despite his obvious aversion to the soup, he poured some into a bowl and heated it again. Lily’s charm had obviously not done so well because of her distraction.

“Pardon?” Lily asked. “You’ve been out for hours. You look dead on your—”

“I said it’s nothing,” James repeated sharply, slamming his bowl down on the counter so hard hot soup splashed over the edge of the bowl and onto his hand. He hissed and snatched it away, and Lily grabbed for it and applied a Cooling Charm with her wand.

“Didn’t help,” he bit out through gritted teeth, and she summoned a towel soaked in cold water and held it to the burn, bringing her face close to his.

“What—did—they say?”

He shook his head and Lily frowned. “James, we are married. We tell each other things. Like what the Prewett’s said to you. That’s the kind of stuff we tell each other. Stuff that hacks us off. Stuff that makes us happy. Stuff that makes us snap at each other. Too bad if you don’t understand it, because it applies to your life and your situation. So you would you—please just tell me what the hell you heard tonight that’s got you like this?”

James snatched his hand away. “I understand all of that. Bloody all of it,” he added. “But I’m not in the mood right now. Maybe later.”

“Not maybe,” Lily told him. “For sure.”

James sighed. “Lily—I’m tired….”

“For sure?”

“Fine,” he grumbled, sipping some of the soup. “I promise. This is rubbish soup.”

“I was distracted,” she explained. “Should I make you something else?”

He shook his head. “No. I just need to—I need to think.”

“Oh.” Lily paused, feeling slightly out of place as he stood, staring into his soup, at the kitchen counter. He sighed once more and then looked up, shaking himself. He took her hand and led her into the living room where he sat down on the sofa and pulled her down with him.

“Mmm. You smell nice.”

Lily smiled a little and leaned her back against her chest, nestled nicely in his arms. He buried his nose in her hair and inhaled deeply every so often, exhaling warm air onto her shoulder.

“Oh—shit—it’s Emily’s birthday today….I forgot—”

“I didn’t,” Lily said. She pointed to the table. “I wrote a letter. You can add something later.”

James smiled down at her. “You’re such a good wife, Lily, darling.”

“Prat,” she answered, flushing. “Don’t call me darling.”

“I was joking,” he told her.

“I haven’t forgotten that you’re supposed to tell me what’s wrong,” she said suspiciously, poking him in the chest.

“Ah, yes,” he said tiredly, rubbing his eyes. “The Prewetts have got to go off on a…mission, of sorts.”

“A mission?”

“I’m not even entirely sure what they’re on about,” James confided. “All they said was that it was for the Order.”

Lily nodded, her brow furrowed. After a moment of silence, she asked, “But what does that have to do with you?”

James glanced around, almost as if someone could be listening. “Well…Molly Weasley is pregnant again. And her husband’s a very…distracted man. He’s not home often. So they wanted to me to check up on her now and again, since they’re so protective of her and all.”

“Well…isn’t she…how many children does she have?”

“Five. This is her sixth.” James shut his eyes and pulled Lily in even tighter, if that was possible.

“Do you think…?” Lily began, hesitating just slightly. James caught her meaning, as he always seemed to do.

“Maybe.” He smiled wolfishly. “But…I’d rather do what it takes to make a child rather than actually have one.”

Lily’s own smiled turned slightly predatory and she hooked one of her legs over his hip so she could rock her pelvis against his. James’s eyes fluttered shut and he exhaled, his breath unbearably hot on her neck.

“I love being a newlywed,” he gasped, just as she reached for the buttons of his trousers.

……

“James?”

“Mmm?”

“Do you really not want to have children?”

James sighed and splayed his hand over her belly, pressing down lightly so that she shivered from the strange feel of it.

“Why? Are you pregnant?”

“No-oooo…” Lily said, drawing the sound out thoughtfully. “But if I was, would you be very angry?”

“Of course not,” James said hurriedly, leaning down to kiss her neck. He began closing and opening his hand under her head, massaging her scalp and relaxing her thoroughly. They were lying side by side on the couch, which was mercifully wide for their strenuous purposes. Lily was spooned up against James, her head resting on his hand on the arm of the sofa, glad for the fire and the warm blanket Lily had had since she was a young child. The bright, colourful wool was scratchy but comforting against her naked skin.

“I’d just like to wait,” continued James. “It’s not that I don’t think we’re ready—Merlin, we’ve been ready for ages—but I don’t think it’s the right time.”

“I’m not sure I understand what you mean,” Lily replied.

“What I mean is that we’re fighting a war—and like it or not, there’s a very real chance we could die. What with all the terrible news we’ve been getting you could get pregnant, get told someone’s dead, and then miscarry and die or something…and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself then…”

“I’ve already…I liked the way it felt,” Lily blurted.

“What?” James’s breath was tickling her ear.

“I liked having life inside of me. I liked…I liked having a part of you inside me. And what if I don’t get a chance again? I was lucky before—there’s no telling whether I’ll be lucky again.”

James shook his head, seeming to suddenly be very decided. “No,” he said, his voice low. “I won’t let you get pregnant now. Lily—that’s not fair to me. Please—just wait. You’ve got no idea whether it’s even safe for you to get pregnant again, considering what happened before.”

“Are you forbidding me to have a baby?” Lily asked dangerously, getting up and turning to face him.

James sat up and Lily winced at the sight of the pink scars that ran over his chest and the ones that peeked out around his sides from his back. He had taken those lashes for her—and now when he wanted to protect her, she would not let him. It was ungrateful, childish, rude…and necessary.

“Yes,” he said firmly.

Lily got up from the couch and grabbed her clothes, the blanket wrapped around her body, heading for the bedroom. She heard James get up from the couch and by the time he was halfway across the room, she had shut the door and locked it magically. She shoved the dresser in front of the door so he couldn’t get it even if he figured out how to open the door. Then, she collapsed, clad only in her favourite blanket, on the bed.

And so occurred their first actual fight as a married couple.

……

James stood staring at the shut door to their bedroom for a long time before turning and going back downstairs to the couch and putting on his clothes. He sat down on the couch and forced himself not to take up his wand and blast his way into the room to apologize.

Merlin damn it all, he was right this time.

Of course he wanted children. He wanted a son of his own so badly he could hardly think sometimes because he was so busy imagining. He wanted a daughter so he could protect her. He licked his lips and sat back on the couch, angry with himself. He should have phrased it better. Now she thought he was controlling husband.

If he lost Lily, he would kill himself. He wouldn’t be able to live—and she would not accept that. It was hard for James himself to restrict himself from taking the risks he normally did. It couldn’t be harder for Lily. She liked order, of a kind. She didn’t feel the need to constantly defy authority, like he did. Getting pregnant would most certainly be defying the authority of their knowledge that it was not the time to bring a child into the world.

He had to get out of there. He grabbed his cloak and his wand and left the house, making sure to seal the door after himself. It would hardly help against a magical attack, but it made James feel a little less worried about whether Lily was okay or not.

He found himself walking the lazy path to the town, but before he reached there he turned and walked back, then repeated the journey, still thinking.

Finally, he returned to the house and let out his routine sigh of relief when he saw that it looked just as he had left it. His nightmare was that one day he would come home and see the house smoldering, then see Lily’s body among the ruin. He knew this was unlikely because her training schedule was much like his (except she was several levels below him) and she was rarely home without him unless he went out randomly, but he couldn’t help himself from thinking about it. The mind was a terrible thing: it always dreamed up the worst case scenario.

He entered the house and tucked his wand into the special holster he had received in Italy. He was surprised to see Lily sitting at the kitchen table, still in the clothes she had been wearing earlier, although they were slightly more wrinkled now. She looked up when he walked in and gave him an unsure smile.

“I reckoned I should act like an adult and talk to you about this,” was her explanation, and James nodded, dreading the coming conversation. He couldn’t resist her for long.

She surprised him by sighing. “You’re…not right about this,” she said slowly, staring down at the table and tracing a design on it with her fingers. “Well, on some levels, you’re right.”

“Some?” James asked wryly.

Lily sighed once more and lifted her head to meet his eyes. “James—since we both know we don’t have that much time left, we should try to live life to its fullest…but then again, this isn’t a book or some story or tale. Everything doesn’t turn out to be beautiful and honorable and it’s sad…but it’s very true. I just…we’re young. I want to have a baby. I want your baby.”

“Well I want you,” James said immediately. “And a baby. But I want you more right now because you’re here. You’re not an unknown. You’re a constant.”

Lily lifted her chin. “I want to get pregnant,” she said slowly.

James considered her, fear growing in his chest. There was no possible way for him to stop her unless he stopped sleeping with her, and there was no way he could do that.

“Well then I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree,” James said evenly, walking out of the kitchen. Lily stared after him; he could feel her eyes on his back long after he had turned away from her.

…………………………

September 1, 1979

…………………………

Their argument, if it was to be called that, eventually faded away until it was nothing but a mere shadow that occasionally darkened their conversation. However, as time passed the tension between them grew until James knew it would reach a breaking point, except he had no clue when that breaking point would be. Normally they avoided the topic completely, naively thinking that if they let it sit for long enough it would go away. Lily still used her contraceptive charm, and James knew she would never stop using it unless he agreed to do so.

Of course it was not to be so, but they were quite good at pretending.

James watched her one morning right after he woke up and observed the way she slept. She always splayed herself over the bed, more often than not lying on top of James or snug against him. The trust she seemed to have in him was so great…it blew James’s mind away.

What the hell was she doing with him?

James shook himself out of his contemplative mood and sighed, making sure Lily was covered completely to keep out the cold before he left. He was going early to training because he was going to be supervised out in the field by a Senior Level Auror and he didn’t want to be late. He arrived with time to spare and lounged around in the locker room, taking his time to put on his gear. While there, he sighed and tried not to think about Lily and children.

When nine o’clock rolled around, James pushed himself off from the lockers and went out into the main waiting room, where trainees met their trainers. James paused, slightly nervous. He had never done real field work in England before. He had no practical experience with how the system worked. He had only been in training since the first of August, and his advanced levels had apparently piqued the interest of the head of the Auror Department. This practical test was to see whether James really knew what he was doing.

James thought of the some of the horrors he had seen while working for the Order of Light. Yes, he definitely knew what he was doing.

He looked up when he sensed eyes on him, a skill he had picked up when he was in Italy. There was only one other person in the room and he wasn’t looking at James; he was reading a magazine. James felt something imperceptible shift behind him and he whirled, drawing his wand and looking quickly from side to side to search out for the mysterious presence.

Suddenly, folds of a shimmering cloak appeared, gathered by a hand. The invisibility cloak fell away to reveal and man in his thirties with a square jaw and an aquiline nose. His piercing blue eyes were cold as he looked James over.

“Good instincts,” was all he said, before folding up the invisibility cloak. It vanished from his hands and James had to resist asking where it had gone. James had a feeling this strange man would not appreciate any queries he made.

“Follow me,” the man said curtly, and he set off at a brisk pace down the hall. “I know you think you’re incredibly special because you’re Albus Dumbledore’s pet and he gave you recommendations to start at an advanced level, but I’m going to treat you just like any other half-brained rookie who doesn’t know his place, which you probably don’t. Today we wait for a call to come in, dispatch M.L.Es if they’re not already there, and then I take you to the scene, where you try to determine the best path of action. Is all that understood?”

James was seething and his hands were clenched into fists. He gritted his teeth. “Yes, it’s understood.”

The man seemed to be waiting for something, and James would not give it to him.

“Yes, it’s understood, what, Potter?”

James let out a hissing breath and ignored the question. “Do you have a name?”

Ice-blue eyes met James’s hazel and they locked in a silent battle of wills for a brief moment. “Wilson,” the older man said.

“And how long have you been working for the Ministry, Mr. Wilson?”

“That’s none of your business,” Wilson snapped, and he threw open a door that led to a relatively small office with an obsessively neat desk and neatly stacked papers all around. Filing cabinets were squashed along one wall and look fit to burst. James stood just inside the door as Wilson sat down at his desk and began writing quickly on a plain sheet of paper. James stood for ten minutes before Wilson said, “Sit down.”

James sat in one of the tiny chairs in front of his desk, wincing at the small size. He shifted and tried to get comfortable. He refrained from asking what he was supposed to do.

It turned out he didn’t have to wait even five minutes more. A round, glass object on Wilson’s desk had just lit up and was emitting a high pitched sound that made James’s ears hurt. He winced and Wilson set down his quill and picked up the ball, uttering something James couldn’t make out for the life of him. Wilson seemed to be listening carefully to the glass globe as he nodded and stood, placing it back on his desk. He drew his wand and looked up at James, a slightly feral look in his eyes.

“Congratulations, Potter,” he said silkily. “you’ve just been called to your first scene.”

……

They Apparated to a street in Hogsmeade and the first thing James saw was a middle-aged woman clawing at the people who were restraining her. She seemed to be determined to attack a man who was just out of reach, staring at her impassively.

Wilson caught the eye of a M.L.E and motioned him over. When the man—who could only be few years older than James—approached, Wilson prodded James in the back.

James cleared his throat and tried to be authoritative. “What’s your name?” was the first thing he asked.

“Daniel,” the man said confusedly, pushing some thick blond hair off his forehead.

“Right. What’s going on here, Daniel?”

“Well, we’ve got that woman over there who claims that man over there broke into her house and stole her daughter. When she mentioned that he had probably taken the girl so he could run tests with Dark magic on her, we called in the Aurors.”

The man’s manner suggested that he didn’t believe a word the woman was saying, and James instantly disliked him, although he could see why this was so. The woman looked wild and possessed while the man was bewildered and calm. His hair was neatly oiled and his robes were impeccable. As neighbors came out to watch the scene, James felt a sense of foreboding run through him. He did not like this man. Not at all.

“Thanks,” James said dismissively, looking at the woman thoughtfully. There was something eerily familiar about her.

“What now, Potter?” Wilson asked coldly from behind him. “Your...experience should have taught you how to deal with such a situation.”

James gritted his teeth. “Thank you for the reminder, Mr. Wilson,” he replied, before stepping away from the overbearing man, hoping he would never grow to be like him.

James strode over to the woman, who was calming down somewhat. The M.L.Es smirked and James when they saw the training insignia on his chest and looked at each other. One opened his mouth, no doubt to haze James in some manner, but James cut him off.

“I’m James Potter,” he said briskly, addressing the woman, whom he had certainly seen before. “What’s your name?” It was the third time that day he had asked such a question.

The woman was staring at him as if she had seen a ghost. The she glanced at the man whom she had accused of kidnapping her daughter before turning to James again. “I’m Darleen Meadows,” she answered quietly.

James had a fleeting image of Dorcas Meadows, who looked much like this woman except quite a bit younger. He opened his mouth to ask if they were sisters or cousins but shut it in case that compromised the safety of the Order of the Phoenix.

“And your name?” he asked the accused, who smiled charmingly. James disliked him even more.

“Augustus Rookwood. I work for the Ministry as an Unspeakable. Darleen is my wife.”

This elicited a sound of rage from Darleen Meadows as she tried to lunge at Rookwood. James held up a hand to stop her as Wilson came over.

“Is this true? Is he your husband?”

“We’re separated,” Darleen spat, shaking her head of brown curls.

“You realize that as your daughter’s parent he’s legally able to take her whenever he wants, don’t you?” cut in Wilson. James glanced at him and frowned.

“That’s not true. The parent in custody—”

“Don’t argue with me, Potter,” Wilson spat, not taking his contemptuous eyes from Darleen’s figure. “I know the law better than you.”

James shut his mouth and felt ready to kill his superior. “I’ll have to look into that,” he settled for saying.

Wilson glanced at him. “No, you don’t.”

James raised an eyebrow. “One may wonder why you don’t want a little girl returned to her mother,” he said evenly.

“One may wonder who the one giving the report is going to be. We’re finished here. Mr. Rookwood, if you have taken your daughter to stay with you, it would be appreciated if you would inform your wife as to why and give her appropriate contact information, although this is not necessary. You have your rights. Mrs. Rookwood—”

“Miss Meadows,” James corrected, but Wilson ignored him.

“—it would be in your best interest if you did not create such mad stories in order to fulfil your need for dramatic substance. Please do not bother your husband again. Good day to all of you.”

Wilson grabbed James by the arm and hauled him off, letting go of him for only a moment before Disapparating. James followed, incensed.

“That was completely unfair!” he cried as soon as he walked into Wilson’s office.

“Do not try to question me,” Wilson said, glaring at James. “Get out, and don’t expect a good report. Don’t believe everything a finely-figured woman says, Potter. Women lie more often than they do not, and you’d do well to learn that. Now go off and find your prostitute or whatever it is that you do at night—”

“I’m married,” James bit out, his eyes narrowed into slits.

Wilson stopped for a moment. “To whom?”

“That’s none of your business,” James said coldly, and refrained from saying anything else and compromising his future more. He swallowed hard, realizing that his dream of being an Auror had probably just been shattered. He walked out of the office without so much as a goodbye and tried to calm himself down so he didn’t splinch himself, and then he Apparated to Darleen Meadows’s house.

After he knocked he waited for a full two minutes before the door opened to reveal the woman—Darleen—holding a baby. If she had had her hands free she would have succeeded in slamming the door in James’s face, but he managed to keep his foot in the way and shoved himself inside.

Darleen Meadows was cowering, hunched over her baby as if she expected James to hurt her. James imagined how she thought of him, forcing his way into her house, and he felt a twinge of remorse.

“What do you want?” she asked fearfully.

“I want to help you,” he said, his voice quiet.

She shook her head. “I don’t even know you….”

“I’m here, aren’t I? You can trust me to help you. I want to help you.”

“You can’t,” the curly-haired woman said despondently. “He’s got her. He’s going to keep her. And he knows too much about me. There’s nothing you can do.”

“So you’re just going to give up?” James asked incredulously. “After that huge scene you made out there?”

Darleen shook her head. “You don’t understand. If I make him mad enough he’ll have me killed, and then where will this little one go? What’ll happen to him?”

James looked down at baby in her arms and felt a pang in his chest. “How old?” he managed to say, and he thought of Lily.

“Six months,” Darleen said, a touch a pride in her voice.

James cleared his throat. “Wait…how will he have you killed?”

Darleen sighed and sat down. “I’m not sure if you remember me,” she began.

“You seem familiar,” James told her.

She took a deep breath and looked around the blue kitchen as if someone was watching. She leaned in. “Two years ago,” she whispered, “you and Lily Evans were held captive in a cell by You-Know-Who.”

James still bore the marks of the experience across his back and chest. He didn’t think about it often.

“How do you know that?” he asked, his voice hardly above an octave hers.

She rocked her baby. “I was there,” she said after a pregnant pause.

James’s mouth dropped open. “What?”

“When you were first taken from your cell and brought into the antechamber. You-Know-Who taunted you in front all of us. I was there.”

James stared at her in horror. He hardly even remembered anything that had happened, but he knew where he had seen this woman. He had seen her face under her black hood in the crowd.

“I set you free,” she said next, and James felt sicker than he had ever felt in his life. “You and Lily… that was her name, right?”

“You—why?”

“Because I don’t believe in what he’s doing, but I’m in too deep to get out,” Darleen said. “Augustus…he persuaded me to join. I didn’t realize…he was there too. Augustus. He was the one who spat on you—I would have…Augustus will tell,” she suddenly cried. “If I make him angry enough he’ll tell that I’m one of them, and no one will believe me if I rat him out too!”

“Spy,” James said softly. “Spy for the good side. I can—”

“No,” Darleen said, lifting her chin. “I can’t take that risk. I can’t spy because I would die. I would cause people pain. I don’t want either of those things.”

James shook his head incredulously. “That’s ridiculous,” he said flatly. “You won’t take a risk because you’re selfish?”

He had trouble breathing as the importance of those words hit him. He was being a hypocrite.

Darleen stood, her face suddenly impassive. She tried to comfort her baby, who had begun to cry. “Yes. That’s exactly why. And I don’t care what you think of me.”

“I’m going to turn you in,” he warned, but even he knew it was an empty threat.

“Please. At least we’ll be safe then.”

James snorted and turned on his heel to leave the house, but she caught his arm. “Please,” she repeated, “do you have children?”

James shook his head.

“Are you married?”

“To Lily Evans,” he said hoarsely.

She smiled at him slightly and James felt some of his anger leave him. “Then you don’t know what it’s like. Please try to find my daughter for me,” she whispered. “It’s…terrible to lose a child.”

James nodded shortly and then left the house before returning to his own home, knowing that Lily would be home on her lunch break and would have a little free time before she had to return to her training.

“LILY!” he yelled when he got into the house.

She came rushing into the foyer from the kitchen, wand drawn. She glared at James. “What the hell are you playing at? I nearly had a heart attack!”

He grabbed her and kissed her hotly, forcing her to drop her wand. She brought her hands up and kissed him back, but he could taste her surprise.

“Have you got a contraception charm on right now?” he asked, his breathing labored. Lily shook her head and reached to pick up her wand to perform the charm, but James stopped her.

“Lily…let’s make a baby.”

……

That evening, right after James and Lily had gotten back from training, James received an owl.

It was from Moody, the slightly scary Head of the Auror department, and it was a summons. James groaned, reluctant to return to the Ministry.

He had been looking forward to tonight.

He explained to Lily where he had to go and left her humming the kitchen as she prepared a salad. He Apparated to the Muggle entrance to the Ministry, entered, and was processed by the night guard. He took the lift down to the Aurors’ level and got out, rather nervous. He walked down the length of the hall and knocked on the door at the very end of the corridor.

“Come in!” barked a raspy voice. James pushed opened the door and shut it behind himself. Sitting behind a desk covered in paperwork was the strangest man James had ever seen. Of course, James had seen Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody from a distance, but never this close. His hair was grey and his face looked as if it had had a run in with a set of very sharp knives. James gulped and felt like a six-year-old in trouble.

“What’s this?” Moody demanded, throwing a sheaf of parchment at James, who caught it (Moody must have charmed the paper to fly that way) and scanned it. It was a detailed report conveying James’s incompetence and his ‘utmost lack of respect for his betters’. James winced. There was no way he would be kept in training after this. At the very least, he would be dropped down a few levels, perhaps even below Lily.

“It’s a report,” James said, his throat tight. “A report about me, by an Auror called Wilson, sir.”

“I thought you were smarter than that report suggests,” Moody said.

“Pardon?” James asked, confused.

Moody was silent for a long moment, reclining in his chair. He looked shrewdly at James. “I can’t keep the Auror Department without corruption,” he said gruffly. “There’s infiltration. It’s just…too dangerous to remove some people without causing the entire department to collapse.”

James thought about this. “So…Wilson’s a Death Eater?”

“Allegedly. I assumed you would have deduced this when I assigned you to him, which is why I did so. Apparently you’re stupid. You shouldn’t have argued with him. Now I’ve got to make that report disappear or you’re going to have a black mark on your record for the rest of your damn career.”

James didn’t say a word. He didn’t have any to say.

“I don’t like politics,” Moody continued. “They’re a waste of time. And by the way—Wilson knows you went back to see Miss Meadows and he’s going to raise hell in order to get you kicked out of the program. So I’m thinking you’re going to do a little internship over in France for a bit and then come back in a couple months or so. You can assist in cases there and whatnot. And you’re leaving right now. Since you’re going as a trainee you can’t have any contact with anyone here. It would compromise security.”

James was staring at him in disbelief. “Wait…you’re sending me to France? And I…can’t talk to anyone here when I go?”

Memories of Italy were rising to the surface. For the briefest moment, James’s heart ached for the Palazzo. Then he steeled himself against the hurt. He belonged in England, not Italy, even it was in his blood.

“Afraid so, sonny,” Moody said. He paused again. “I understand you’ve got a wife.”

James swallowed hard and nodded. “I….”

“We’ll tell her what’s happened. A fine woman, your wife is.”

James hadn’t been aware Moody and Lily had met.

“Go to your locker. You should find suitable clothes there.”

James shook his head. “I can’t leave. I’d rather be kicked out of training.”

Moody stood. “I won’t allow that.”

“I’m not leaving and not talking to anyone here,” James said. “Sir,” he added, when he saw the darkening of Moody’s face.

“You’re going to France, Potter. The question is whether you’re going as a civilian or as an Auror trainee…and if you quit this program, you’re not allowed back in.”

James stared at Moody’s scarred face as he thought. He wanted…to have a family with Lily. He wanted to be an Auror. He wanted so many things…but only a few were possible to attain.

“Can I take Lily with me to France?” he asked hesitantly.

“No. She has to complete her own training.”

She wanted to be an Auror more than James did. It would be unthinkable to pull her away from that.

James looked up and met Moody’s eyes. “Well then I guess you’re not my superior anymore.”

Moody sighed. “This is the wrong choice, Potter. If you go as an Auror trainee you’ll have no contact for two months at the most. It’s not so bad. As a civilian…we won’t be able to offer you any protection at all. You’ll be on your own the whole time. Is that the price you want to pay for the privilege of speaking to your wife? She’ll understand.”

“We don’t do well when separated as such,” James said dryly, again remembering Italy. He swallowed hard and his breaths came quicker as he said the words again. “I’m out. I quit the program.”

“You’ll leave for France tomorrow morning,” Moody said angrily. “Out, Potter.”

James went.

…………………………

October 31, 1979

…………………………

If this kept up, Lily was eventually going to hate every country in Europe.

Italy? She could never go back there. France? Now it was as ugly as Filch’s face.

Lily glanced at the clock. It was only eight in the morning. She had today and the next day off for ‘good behavior’. The fact that she was the only woman at her level in the training program set her ahead of all her peers in behavioral matters.

Lily had gotten the shock of her life when James had come back to tell her that he was leaving the next morning for France and that he had quit his training because he ‘couldn’t stand not talking to her’. Lily had called him and idiot and hadn’t spoken to him for an hour, but then he had come to bed and she couldn’t possibly resist him then, could she? Of course not.

He owled her every other day to keep her up to date, but he hadn’t sent an owl for the past five days. Lily was worried out of her mind, but she stopped thinking about it when the Floo activated and Sirius fell out of the fireplace. She smiled widely and nearly bounded across the room to hug him. He hugged her back tightly.

“I haven’t seen you in ages!” she said breathlessly.

Sirius grinned. “Too right. I’ve missed you, Lily. Ready to leave James and come away with me?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “I just might. I’m bored out of my mind here without him.”

Sirius sighed. “Ah, yes. Your sex-drive is out of whack. You’re used to shagging like a bunny every day or so.”

Lily smacked him playfully on the chest. “Shut up. Have you spoken to Remus lately? I talked to him just yesterday and he sounded terrible.”

Sirius’s face turned grim. “Yes. I just came from his place, actually. He can’t get a job anywhere. Even with his ten N.E.W.Ts. No one wants a werewolf.”

Lily bit her lip. There was nothing she could do and it made her feel absolutely useless.

“Well…where’ve you been?” she asked quietly. “It’s been three weeks since I last talked to you.”

Sirius hesitated. “I…went to France.”

There was a long, silent moment. Then, “I see.”

“I know you’re mad that Moody won’t let you go even though you’re off for two days…but I think it’s good, you know? This way the Ministry doesn’t get angry that their trainees are dropping like flies. They were so angry when James left. He was at the top of his level. They needed him.”

“They should have thought about that before they gave him the ultimatum they did,” Lily said mercilessly. She had little love for the Ministry.

“True,” Sirius conceded. “Anyways, we just talked a lot. I was there for a couple weeks. He’s got this great flat overlooking some river or something. It’s gorgeous, even though it’s so terribly tiny. One day you’ll go there.”

“I doubt it,” Lily snorted. “It’s unlikely that I’m going to see him before Christmas, the way things are going! Do you know he hasn’t owled me in five days? Normally he sends a letter or something every other day. Not anymore!”

Sirius looked like he was trying to hide a smile. Lily shook her head at him. “Sirius, stop—stop smiling! It’s all a game to you! You can be all happy and kind and jovial but it doesn’t work that way for me. You don’t understand what it’s like—”

Sirius quite suddenly wasn’t smiling anymore. He stepped away from Lily and walked back a few paces and turned so he was facing the window. His fists were clenched. “Don’t tell me that I don’t know what it’s like to be apart from James,” he said quietly, his change of mood so startling that Lily had to catch her breath. “Ever since he…”

Lily bit her lip and sat down.

Sirius turned towards her. “Ever since he married you,” he said slowly, “he’s been too busy to talk to me. He’s been too busy to help Remus during the full moon. Even before he married you—back at school…you broke us apart, Lily…”

Lily opened her mouth to speak, trying to get rid of the painful lump in her throat. She had always felt like she had created a rift, but no one had ever said anything to her about it.

“But it’s okay,” Sirius said, his voice suspiciously thick for the first time since Lily had known him. She had never once seen Sirius Black cry. “It’s okay, Lily, because you and James deserve each other, okay? I’ve never really liked you that much because…because James is my best friend and I love him like a brother—Merlin, Lily…I’m so sorry—I didn’t mean to make you cry—oh, shit…”

Lily shook her head, wiping at her cheeks and staring at the floor.

He was in front of her now, his face chagrined and worried. Lily tried to tell him that it was okay because she deserved it and that he should leave her alone, but the words wouldn’t come. Again, she bit down hard on her lip to the point of pain.

“Lily, I love you,” Sirius said quietly. “I love you so much and I don’t hate you at all. I understand, okay? I get it. You and James are different from most people and I love you both so I…I get it…it’s just bloody hard. I’m so used to talking to him about anything at all and now I—well, I can’t, can I? He’s got you for that. But I—I love you. Both of you…so much.”

Lily paused and managed to speak. “I always thought you were like a brother to me. I guess I never knew you disliked me so much.”

“Fuck!” Sirius swore vehemently. “Lily—I just said I bloody love you! I’ve never had a sister and my family’s rubbish and I don’t hate you. You’re like—it’s like sometimes I can’t breathe if someone tries to hurt you because you’re so young and so little and it’s as if you’re my baby sister. I always wanted a sister and I guess I got one, didn’t I? You and James—both of you,” he said again. “You’re…” He swallowed. “You’re family to me.”

Lily nodded after a moment. “Okay, Sirius.” She tentatively put her arms around him and he tightened his embrace around her.

“Don’t worry. I didn’t mean to start this now, of all times.” He pulled away after a moment and kissed the top of her head, still breathing quickly. As he stood and walked towards the fireplace and threw some floo powder in the grate, he gave her a mystifying little smile, all traces of sorrow gone, although he did look slightly troubled.

“Have a wonderful day, Lily,” were his parting words, and then he was engulfed by flames, just as the front door of the house opened and slammed shut. Lily froze and quickly picked up her wand from the side table, lightly getting to her feet. She noiselessly moved across the carpet in her feet (which were covered in thick, woollen socks) and came face to face with James.

She shrieked and threw her wand halfway across the room, jumping on top of him and slamming him against the narrow corridor wall. A strangled laugh came from his mouth before she cut him off with a kiss.

“What” –kiss— “are” –kiss— “you” –kiss— “doing” –kiss— “here?”

He pulled away, still laughing. “I snuck away,” he whispered in her ear. “I take it Sirius didn’t tell you?”

“He knew?” Lily asked angrily.

“Of course he knew. He helped me.”

“He was just here,” Lily told James. “We had a…long talk.”

James went quiet and met her eyes, and Lily knew that Sirius had already told James what he had been feeling. “Did you, then?”

Lily smiled, pressing her body tighter against his. “Yes,” she said, almost shyly. “A long, long talk. It…went alright, I think. James—it’s Halloween!”

James laughed yet again. “It’s so busy there that no one will notice I’m gone.”

Lily cocked her head the side and frowned. “There? Why did you need to sneak away, anyways? If you’re just there as a civilian then it shouldn’t matter.”

James paused. “Lily…”

Lily’s shoulders slumped, but not so much. It was hard to be sad when James was right there after so much time. “What now, James?”

“Come on, let’s sit,” James said. Lily stopped him and shook her head. He sighed. “Alright. Fine. I…went there as a civilian but a week in I got an owl from Moody—and he told me to go to the British Embassy in France. So I went and the ambassador is a wizard, did you know that? Anyways, he is. And he…he gave me an assignment. From Bagnold. She took notice of me, you see. And she sent an assignment for me to have—”

“You’ve said,” Lily prompted him irritably.

She had just noticed that his robes were of very fine quality and that they shouldn’t be, considering the amount of money he had taken with him. “Wait—James—are you getting paid? Do you have a job in France now?”

“No!” James cried. “Bagnold sent me an assignment from…from the Department of Mysteries.”

Lily’s face was so close to his she could kiss him if she pleased, but she didn’t. “Oh.”

“I’ve got one more leg of this assignment and then I can come back and I won’t have to worry about Wilson or anyone. And it pays well, too! And I’ll still have the job when I come back.” James, who had his hands on her waist, squeezed slightly and she giggled at the tickling sensation.

“Stop persuading me,” she said accusingly. “I’m not angry. Just…surprised.”

She watched with interest and James’s gaze turned hot. He leaned in and languidly placed an open-mouthed kiss on her neck, dragging his tongue across her pulse point. Lily laced her fingers in his hair and smiled, quite willing to let their almost-argument go for the time being.

“Race you upstairs,” James whispered in her ear, before disappearing with a pop. Lily swore and almost tripped over herself to get to her wand and quickly Apparated into the bedroom. She collided with James and they fell on the bed.

They didn’t get up for the rest of the day.

……

James shook Lily awake. He was afraid he had knocked her out during their last…coupling…but he needn’t have worried, because her eyes blinked open and she turned on her side, groaning.

“Ow—James, I’m not going to be able to walk tomorrow!”

“Good thing you don’t have training, then,” James said smugly, motioning for her to turn over on her back. He began kneading out the knots and she moaned, hugging a pillow. Her eyes were drifting shut.

“What time is it?” she yawned.

James glanced out the dark window at the moon and then at the clock. “A little after eleven.”

He leaned over her boneless body as he worked and swallowed hard.

“Lily?” he whispered.

“Mmm?”

“I have to go.”

She sighed wearily and opened her eyes. “Why?”

“My assignment. I should already be packing.”

“Packing? It’s so late!”

James sighed and stopped massaging her back, lying down next to her. “Yes. I’ve got to go somewhere and we probably won’t be able to talk for a while.”

Lily shut her eyes. “Okay, then.” Then she opened her eyes once more. “I don’t…want you to go.”

“I don’t want to go either,” James said. “But I’ve got to.”

“Can you tell me…?”

“I can’t tell you anything.”

Lily sighed and rolled over her on her back. She turned her head to look at James. “What time do you have to leave by?”

“Midnight.”

“We’ve got an hour,” Lily said slyly. “Once more?”

“Your stamina amazes me,” James said, as he eagerly got up and rolled on top of her.

Lily’s only answer was to kiss him, and when they were finally satisfied and had said their goodbye, James kissed her sleeping eyes and laid a hand over her stomach. Then he covered her sweaty body with a sheet and then threw on his clothes, looking at her face before he Disapparated to go take a shower, far away in France.

…………………………

December 20, 1979

…………………………

The one thing Lily never knew was that James had occasionally dropped in on Molly Weasley whenever he could. It came as a great shock to her when Molly asked if Lily could watch Molly’s children while she and her husband attended some event or the other. Lily, although she was startled, replied in the affirmative and went there five days before Christmas at three o’clock on the dot.

Molly Weasley was literally flying around the house. A brightly-topped red-haired boy let her in and smiled. Lily smiled back at him and looked around the house, shocked. There were so many children!

The boy who had opened the door looked at her curiously. “You’re married to James Potter?”

Lily nodded, trying to smile. She didn’t like it when people mentioned James because it made her think of him too much, but with this little kid, it was okay.

“I’m Bill,” he said, introducing himself. “Your name is Lily, right?”

Lily nodded again, slightly surprised. Just how much time did James spend here?

“That’s Charlie,” Bill said, pointing to a boy who looked about nine in the corner, playing with a Puffeskein. He pointed to a playpen with two infants he introduced as Fred and George, who were shrieking at the top of their lungs. In the corner reading a book was a three-year old named Percy.

“Oh, goodness!” Molly cried as she caught sight of Lily and skidded to a stop. “Lily! I had no idea you were here!”

Lily laughed. “Well…here I am.”

“It’s so good to finally meet you!” Molly said, grabbing Lily and hugging her tightly. Lily was so shocked she hardly breathed until Mrs. Weasley let her go, and then she blushed under her scrutiny. “There’s food set out on the counter—just Finite it and it’ll be ready—Percy will be fine, try to make sure Charlie doesn’t get his hand bitten off, and Fred and George may be a little wild. Bill can help you with them. I’ll be back by eight. Any questions?”

Lily, stunned, as she had been since she walked in the door, shook her head.

“Good. I’ll just be leaving then.”

Lily nodded. “That’s fine, Mrs. Weasley.”

“Oh, no, dear!” Mrs. Weasley said as she opened the door. “Call me Molly!”

The door slammed behind her and Lily turned back towards the living room. All five children were looking at her as if amazed. Lily swallowed hard. “So…um…how old are all of you? I’m Lily, by the way.”

“I’m nine,” Bill said.

“I’m seven,” Charlie added. “Percy’s three. Fred and George are turning two in April.”

Lily nodded. “I’m…nineteen.”

“Do you have any kids?” Bill asked curiously.

Lily paused. “No…”

“Oh…is James cool to live with? James is very cool,” Charlie said.

“How often do you see James?” Lily asked, sitting down next to Bill.

“Well…we haven’t seen him in a couple of months, actually. We saw him on Halloween and we didn’t see him for all of September or October. We saw him every other day in August, though.”

“Really?” Lily said. “What about your uncles? How often do you see them?”

Bill winced. “We haven’t seen Uncle Gid and Uncle Fab since…the middle of August. Right around when James started visiting. Chrissy’s our normal babysitter. She’s normally here when James is, but Mum’s met him a whole bunch of times and when my dad’s been home he talked to him too. Everyone around here likes James.”

“I can see why,” Lily said seriously. “James is very cool to live with.”

“When did you leave Hogwarts?” Bill inquired.

“I left Hogwarts last year. In 1978.”

Bill nodded. “I’m going to Hogwarts in three years. Charlie over there will go in five. And—”

Lily cut him off. “And your mum’s having another baby? When’s she supposed to have it?”

“March,” Bill said. Lily checked to make sure Charlie was playing safely and that Percy was still reading his book. The two twins, Fred and George, were laughing in their playpen. “It’ll be another boy. There hasn’t been a Weasley girl in about three or four generations, I think.”

“I have a sister,” Lily said conversationally. “She’s horrible.”

“I’m sorry,” Bill answered without missing a beat. “I know all about terrible siblings.”

He shot a pointed look towards Fred and George.

Lily laughed. “Are any of you hungry? Do you need snacks or anything?”

Bill shook his head but Charlie looked up. “Pie?”

Lily got up to look in the kitchen. Sure enough, she found a delicious smelling apple pie on the counter. She removed the charm used to preserve it and then served a piece up on a plate and got a fork. She handed it to Charlie and he ate in it five bites. “Can we play Quidditch?” he asked then, and Lily winced.

“I don’t think so,” she said.

“Aw, come on,” said Bill, suddenly animated. “Please?”

“No,” Lily said. “I can’t come up and watch you on a broom so if something happens I can’t help you.”

“Flying’s not that bad!” Bill cried, standing up. “I’ll teach you.”

Lily laughed. “Oh—no, I can fly. I was on the Quidditch team as a chaser my seventh year. I just don’t feel comfortable letting you up there. Maybe…later.”

Just then, the Floo activated with whump! that startled Percy and finally made him drop his book. Fred and George shrieked and Charlie rolled his eyes. Bill calmly looked at the fire as Remus Lupin’s head appeared in the flames. His eyes fell on Lily. “Oh, good. Lily—can we come over there?”

“Of—of course,” Lily said, astonished. “Why…?”

Yet he was already gone, and ten minutes later Remus and Sirius were in the Weasleys’ living room. Their faces were so grim that Lily’s heart sank. “Sirius—Remus—”

Sirius held up a hand and then stepped away from Remus, walking over to Bill and Charlie. “Hey—you guys up for some Quidditch?”

Lily was saddened when Charlie paused, narrowing his eyes. “Who are you?”

Seven-year-olds shouldn’t be so suspicious.

Sirius took this in stride. “I’m Sirius Black. You know my best friend, James.”

Bill nodded. “Alright. You got a broom?”

When Sirius pulled something out of his pocket and enlarged it Lily bit her lip, as she often did. It was almost as if he was...prepared to distract the children.

“Come on, Percy,” Sirius said, as he cast a Heating Charm on the playpen and then levitated it outside. “Get your coat on.”

Percy sighed, something comical for a three-year-old. He put down his book and went out into the foyer. Sirius, still levitating the playpen, followed, giving Lily an encouraging smile as he went.

Lily turned to Remus as soon as he was gone. “What’s going on?” she asked, wincing because her voice was so shrill.

“You should’ve left a note at your house. We couldn’t find you for a while.”

“I didn’t expect anyone to come looking. Remus, what’s wrong?”

“Sit down, Lily.”

“No.”

“Sit down,” Remus growled, and Lily sat. “Listen—Lily, James is…he’s missing.”

“What do you mean by ‘missing’?” Lily cried, jumping up.

“He’s missing,” Remus repeated. “As in…the Ministry doesn’t know where he is. The British Embassy doesn’t know where he is.”

“For how long?” Lily demanded. “How long has he been missing?”

Remus hesitated.

“How long?”

Remus put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her back into her chair. “Three weeks.”

“And no one bloody told me?” Lily shrieked. “They tell you first when they decide to tell anyone? What the fuck is wrong with these people?”

“Look, Lily. James didn’t tell anyone in France he was married because he didn’t want anyone going after you. So they didn’t know to tell you. They sent owls to the Ministry and Sirius and me at the same time. And we all tried to find you—the Ministry’s sent out a representative to get you—”

Lily didn’t want to hear anymore. She nodded along with whatever Remus was saying until she felt one his hands in hers. “Lily—do you understand what I’m saying?”

She shook her head.

“You can’t stay at your house,” Remus said slowly, as if he had already gone over this. He probably had.

“Why?” Lily whispered.

“Pay attention,” he said gently. “You don’t know where’s he’s gone or if he’s…in danger right now. Someone could come after you. I would…I would let you stay with me but the flat’s too small. And Sirius…well, I don’t think you should stay with him.”

“Because of his women,” Lily spat, remembering what James had told her of Sirius’s escapades after he and Remus had gotten separate flats.

“Shh…” Remus said. “Is there anywhere else you can stay?”

“I’ll be fine at the house,” Lily told him, still staring at the Christmas tree in the corner.

“No. We’ll find somewhere safe for you.”

Lily nodded, hugging herself. Remus said something and when she looked up, he was gone. Lily shook off her confusion and went into the kitchen, where she absently began setting the table and taking charms off of food. She dished out vegetables, chicken, sauces, and salads onto plates and set down cutlery next to each place setting. Everything was worn but very clean, and Lily quite suddenly forgot what she was doing.

The forks were on the wrong sides. Lily picked all the silverware up and began to switch the forks with the spoons, then remembered she wasn’t supposed to do that. After a moment, she just gave up and went back into the living room, waiting for Sirius to bring the children back. She wondered how he was dealing with all five. Her musings were interrupted when Remus returned and helped her stand.

“Snap out of it,” he said. “Wake up.”

Lily shook her head, rather liking the fog her mind was encased in. Remus sighed and guided her to the fireplace, where Lily finally spoke.

“Where are we going?”

“I’m taking you to Maria’s,” Remus said evenly.

Lily, who knew Maria was living with Jonathan Davis, finally came back to the world of the living. “Oh—I can go by myself, Remus.”

“No,” he said grimly. “I’ll come.”

“Remus, no. I can go myself. Look! I’m sane…just a little out of it.”

“If you’re trying to protect me from finding out that Maria’s living with Jon Davis, you can stop. I’ve known for quite a while. I even spoke to him just now.”

Lily winced; Remus laughed. “Lily, I’m fine. I’m a big, bad wolf. I can take it.”

Lily threw the Floo powder into the fire and coughed. “Maria’s flat!” she cried; and then she gave up to the overwhelming dizzy feeling the Floo produced.

Maria must have been waiting for her because she caught Lily the minute she fell from the grate and enveloped her in a huge hug. Lily hugged her back and buried her face in her neck. She felt the rush of warmth as Remus came out just behind her and heard Maria’s soft intake of breath. “Remus.”

“I talked to Jon—he said it was alright if Lily—”

“It’s fine,” Maria said quickly as she released Lily. “Um…I guess we should…”

“I should be going. I left Sirius with five Weasleys. You know how that can get.” Lily saw the effort it took Remus to smile.

“How is Sirius?”

“He’s doing alright,” Remus said, and he glanced at Lily. She smiled encouragingly at him and made a little shooing motion with her hands. The last thing she wanted was for Maria or Remus to be sad. Remus came over and hugged Lily and then headed for the fire again. He paused and turned the slightest bit so he could see Maria but Lily could not make out his face. “Jon…he’s a good bloke.”

Lily did catch the flush that spread over his cheeks and she hid a smile as he quickly threw green powder into the fire.

“Remus?”

He turned towards Lily. “Yes?”

“Don’t let Sirius feed them sweets before dinner, please. And…could you explain to Molly for me?”

“Of course,” Remus said, and then he left.

There was silence for a while before Maria sat down on the couch next to Lily. “Well, Professor Evans,” she said. “’I mean—Professor Potter.”

Lily smiled. “Miss Danes,” she said in return. She looked around the cozy flat. There was a small Christmas tree near the far wall with several gifts underneath it, as well as two armchairs and an ottoman. “Any chance of that becoming Mrs. Davis anytime soon?”

Maria shrugged. “Perhaps,” she said cryptically. “We’re eighteen—but his parents actually do approve and wizards marry young more often than not.”

“That’s only if you ever get over Remus, though,” Lily pointed out wryly, because she didn’t want to think about herself.

Maria didn’t even deny it. “Of course. It’s not that easy, though. Even though it’s been a long time since we were really together. I mean—it’s almost as if we’re still together because we never really had that big break up fight, did we? We just went our separate ways. I—I’m still a little angry with him for the stupid train and God only knows how many reasons he has to hate me—”

“He doesn’t hate you!”

“He should,” Maria said fiercely. “I wouldn’t blame him. Even Jon knows that I’m not fully there all the time. And Jon’s great, really…but he’s—” Maria leaned in, “—he’s terrible in bed. I get myself off so much I can hardly—”

“Maria!” Lily scolded.

Maria laughed. “I’m just waiting for a confrontation with Remus. I know it’s coming.”

“I know,” Lily said. “Just wait.”

A sound from another room made Lily jump. Maria bit her lip. “That’s just Jon.”

“I gave your research to James,” Lily said suddenly, remembering.

“Did you?” Maria asked, for she knew exactly what Lily was talking about.

“Yes. He said he would take it to a specialist he knows. I don’t…I gave them to him before he went to France…so I’m not sure what happened to them. But we’ll get them back. I swear.”

“Does Remus know?” Maria asked, cocking her head to the side.

“No. I was going to tell him—” Lily began.

“No! Don’t tell him.”

Lily sighed. “Fine. If that’s what you want.”

Maria looked like she was about to say something but Jon Davis walked into the living room and smiled at Lily. He brushed some dirty blond hair out of his eyes and smiled at Lily. “Hi, Professor Evans,” he said teasingly.

Lily laughed. She had always liked Jon Davis and it had been hard to hate him for being the root of Remus’s suffering. “Hello, Jon-athan,” she added, unsure what to call him.

“Jon,” he said, and she nodded.

It was then that she noticed the sheaf of parchment in his hand. It was a list of some sort.

“What’s that?” she asked, and he met her eyes guiltily. His eyes were a cloudy grey and he glanced at Maria before handing the parchments to Lily. It was a messy, scrawled list of positions of Ministry employees. “Where did you get this?” she asked. She shook the list at him and he flinched.

“I….”

“Jon is an assistant in the Minister’s office. He’s interning,” Maria explained. To Jon, she said, “So. How’d you get it?”

“I nicked it,” he said, flushing and shrugging.

Lily wasn’t listening because she was perusing the list. She saw familiar names but didn’t stop until she came to the P’s, and there she frantically searched for James’s name.

It was right there, between Portman and Prewett.

Andrew Portman—dismissed as of 16/12/79

James Potter—missing as of 27/11/79, presumed dead as of 16/12/79

Fabian Prewett—leave of absence taken on 14/08/79

Gideon Prewett—leave of absence taken on 14/08/79

When Lily looked up, she was smiling. Jon and Maria shared a look to ask whether she was mad, but, Lily just shook her head and handed the list back to Jon.

“He’s not dead,” she told them empathetically, almost as if she was giving them a gift. “I’d bring him back and kill him again if he had died on me now, of all times.”

“Well then,” Maria said after a pause, “that’s that. Who wants to go get some ice cream?”

……

That night, after Lily had eaten peanut-butter swirl ice cream with strawberry sauce, rainbow sprinkles, and whipped cream, she lay awake in her bed, mostly thinking about Maria, Jon, and Remus.

Maria and Jon had a very strange relationship. They seemed to be extremely good friends, but Lily could see in the way that he looked at her that if they were to ever break up, there was no way they would stay in contact with each other. They were friends out of necessity. He warned her when her ice cream was about to fall into her lap and she made sure he didn’t get ice cream all over his face, but either way the disaster was coming. They just didn’t see it.

Maria and Remus belonged to each other. Lily had thought the same thing about Sirius and Maria but with Remus—Remus was different. Lily got up and went to the window, staring out at the snow on in the alley below, which was the only view their tiny flat offered. Her room was half the size of the one she had had with Sirius and Remus, and that was saying something.

The moonlight was on her hands now. She stared at them as if she had never seen her thin fingers before in her life. Her chest ached when they thought about the look on Remus’s face when he mentioned Maria. Lily wondered whether James was like that about her, wherever he was.

Of course he is, said a hollow voice in her mind, and Lily realized it was her own. She put her hands over her belly and lifted her chin. No more crying, she ordered herself. You can’t get all depressed and stop taking care of yourself.

She saw a smile touch her mouth in the mirror the glass of the window offered. For one moment, she was staring at both her reflection and the snow outside, and the double vision made her pleasantly dizzy.

After all, you’re taking care of two now.

With that lovely and satisfying thought, Lily went back to her bed and willed herself to sleep, and she dreamed of nothing, so that when she woke up the next morning she was nicely rested for the trials that were to come. The first came when she opened her stupid mouth in the morning at the kitchen table, where she already felt out of place.

“Maria, I wanted to ask Remus whether he….” She trailed off when she noticed the tightening of Jon’s mouth and the way Maria bit her lip and looked into her mug, her plump-just-to-the-point-of-being-voluptuous figure slouching the slightest bit. “…would let me go to my house to get some clothes,” she finished helplessly.

“He dropped some by,” Jon said quietly, lifting his mug and draining it, then Banishing it to the sink. “This morning.”

Since it was only nine, Lily wondered just how early Remus had dropped in. She nodded and looked at her tea, biting her tongue. Jon kissed Maria coolly on the cheek before leaving through the Floo for work.

“I’m sorry,” Lily said as soon as he had gone. Maria didn’t answer and Lily frowned. “What happened?”

“I get up really early,” Maria said with a sigh. “I dunno. I always kind of liked the sunrise. It’s nice up on the roof, even if it is bloody cold. So I was just going up there when Remus came so I invited him up with me.”

“To watch the sunrise,” Lily clarified.

“Yes!” Maria cried defensively.

Lily sighed, pressing her fingers to her temples. “Maria, Maria, Maria. Friends do not watch sunrises together. The first time I watched a sunrise with a bloke we ended up snogging!”

“James is special,” Maria told Lily sardonically, guessing correctly who the unnamed boy Lily had mentioned was. “I didn’t even consider touching Remus. We weren’t even that close! But then we came down and Jon was up waiting and it was so awkward. I mean—you’ve got to understand the Jon’s always looked up to Remus and James and Sirius. And on some levels I reckon he envied Peter for being their friend. And I don’t know…he feels he has to compete with Remus.”

“Because he does have to compete with him,” Lily explained patiently. “You once told me you could tell that James and I were going to be together because of your magic, but you can’t tell for your own relationships, can you? Jon really likes you, but he knows that you still need Remus because you never broke it off with him. It’s exactly what you said last night. You don’t have any damn closure with Remus and it’s getting between you and Jon, so take some bloody initiative and go talk to Remus and really break up with him.”

“No thanks,” Maria snapped, “I don’t need your views on my love life.” She went to her bedroom.

“Bugger,” Lily muttered, before getting to her feet. She looked at Maria’s closed door before rolling her eyes. She stopped herself when she remembered that Maria was only a year younger than Lily herself was.

She pondered going to talk to Remus and for once decided not to meddle. She frowned, got up and put her mug in the sink, and then quietly let herself out after summoning her cloak from her room. She walked the cold streets of Diagon Alley and stopped at the Leaky Cauldron for a drink of hot chocolate.

She sat at the bar and sipped, carrying on a conversation with Tom, who had lost still more teeth. He expressed how disappointed he was that she wasn’t working at the pub anymore and Lily smiled, shrugging.

“I’m married, now,” she said, swallowing and savoring the taste of her drink.

“To James Potter,” Tom said, his words garbled because of his lack of teeth. Lily marvelled that he could speak at all.

“What’s this? My prettiest girl’s gone and gotten herself married? Why wasn’t I invited?”

Lily whirled around and grinned at Sam Higgins, shoving aside the ache that came from thinking about James or hearing his name.

“You old drunk,” she retorted. “You were invited and you came! You got so drunk you almost started dancing on the tables. You would’ve if your wife hadn’t stopped you!”

“Well, I do recall it now that you’ve reminded me,” Sam teased, his old face contorting with a smile. Lily hugged him and he sat down beside her.

“Firewhiskey, Tom! Straight up!”

Tom sent the drink whizzing down the bar and Sam grabbed it, draining it in one gulp. He slammed the glass down on the table and turned to Lily. “So—how’s Potter doing?”

Lily forced a little smile. “Oh—James is fine. He’s in France for a little while…he’ll be back for Christmas.”

Sam scowled. “What’s he doing leaving you alone at a time like this? I’ll have to talk to him sometime.”

Lily sighed and shook her head. “Oh, Sam,” she said fondly, before draining her mug and standing. She kissed Sam on the cheek. “Say hello to your wife,” she ordered, before waving goodbye to Tom and leaving the pub.

She walked around that area of Muggle London until it got dark. Instead of going back to Maria’s, where she knew they would be worried, she used the fire in the Leaky Cauldron to Floo to her own house. She looked around but nothing was out of place, and she was startled to realize she had only been gone one night. She sat down in an armchair in the living room and looked out the window, drawing her knees up to her chest and sighing.

When she heard the door open, she rolled her eyes. She could stay in her house by herself—she didn’t need Remus or Sirius or Maria checking up on her. She turned to tell either one of them off and got quite a shock.

James stood there, looking frazzled and quite shocked to see her. “I was just here—you weren’t—where have you been, Lily?”

“Where have I been?” Lily asked shakily, staring at him as if he were a ghost. “I’ve been at Maria’s—where the hell have you been? You’re presumed dead right now by the Ministry!”

James swore. “Damn. Well—I’m alive. I guess I’d better tell them that.”

“Oh, nonononono!” Lily said in a rush, darting forward towards him. “First tell me what you’ve been doing for the past three weeks!”

James gave her a strange look. “See, I don’t get this. I sent owls to you and the British Ministry, telling you I was going to Italy. I didn’t tell the Embassy in France—but I definitely told you and Sirius and Remus and the Ministry. So my question is—how did four owls go missing?”

Lily was still hung up on the first part of his statement. “You went to Italy?”

“Yes,” James said, rubbing his eyes. “My assignment’s done. It’ll help a lot. I got off a month ago and before I came back I wanted…I wanted to help out Remus. So I took all of Maria’s research and brought it to Gabrielle—why are you looking at me like that?”

“Why did you have to go to Italy?”

“Because that’s where Gabrielle lives!”

“And you stayed with her for three weeks?” Lily asked, her voice rising in pitch.

“Yes. I didn’t sleep with her, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“That’s not what I’m asking,” Lily snapped. “I just want to know why you left me alone all this time!”

“Because I had no choice! It’s so hard to get to her and there’s no way I could get back to her so I had to wait until she finished. She was already working on something similar so it didn’t take so long. She said to commend Maria because her work was amazing. Gabrielle said to offer a job to her…oh, Lily—why are you so cranky?”

“I missed you, toad,” she said affectionately, her anger draining out of at the sight of his confusing, even as she was recalling her reason for having such mood swings.

“I missed you too,” James said, seeming incredulous that he had to say it. “Of course I did. Lily—what the fuck do you think this is about? Do you think I want to be away from you like this? I don’t—Lily—”

“I’m…sit down.”

He sat immediately and Lily sat down next to him. “James—you remember that last time you came home?”

He nodded. “Like I’d forget,” he snorted. “I don’t know how that bed’s still standing—Lily—what’s wrong?”

She was shaking with laughter and a few giggles escaped her mouth. “James,” she gasped happily, “I’m pregnant.”

…………………………

December 24, 1979

…………………………

“To family!”

“To family! everyone chorused, taking their glasses of champagne and sipping. Lily held hers at her side, smiling.

“Lily’s going to have a baby,” James said to the silent room, and a pin dropping could have been heard. Suddenly, the entire room erupted into sound as people crowded around Lily and James, hugging each with an offer of congratulations. Lily glanced at James and beamed at his grinning face, feeling as if nothing could touch her until she saw Maria’s face in the back of the room.

Maria had not attended with Jon, but had come with her friend from school, Grace Seymour. She was currently staring openly at Remus, who had noticed, because when he came near Lily to kiss her on the cheek, she saw the flush that rode high on his cheekbones. She gave him a sympathetic look as Maria began to move towards them with the grace of a panther on the prowl.

“Lily,” she murmured, pressing her cool cheek against Lily’s and kissing her lightly. “Congratulations…but are you sure you want to do this now?”

Lily struggled not to explode, because it wasn’t any of Maria’s business, but Remus cut in.

“What do you mean?” he asked harshly.

“There’s a war going on, Remus,” Maria said dryly. “Lily can’t train if she’s pregnant, and the Ministry needs all the Aurors it can get.”

“I don’t—”

Remus cut off Lily’s defense. “I think it’s worth it. I’d rather have a baby of my own than a license to kill Dark wizards.”

“Personally, I think it would have worked out better if they had waited longer,” Maria said hotly, in her element. She lifted her chin proudly as Remus’s eyes blazed. “It’s a little selfish in times like these, isn’t it?”

Maria couldn’t possibly mean the things that were coming out of her mouth. Lily wouldn’t believe that Maria meant what she was saying. “It’s not—”

“You ungrateful, unsympathetic, manipulative, ugly little bitch,” Remus spat out. “How dare you, Miss Danes? It’s not as if you’re married and have the desire to have children, let alone the ability to commit yourself to something as time-consuming as a child. You’re just a lonely hag and you’ve got nothing better to do that ruin a perfectly good party.”

By now, the people closest to Lily, Remus, and Maria were being to quiet down and listen. Lily watched helplessly.

“I’m lonely?” Maria asked. “Look at you! You can’t even manage to secure a job! Your friends don’t trust you anymore, they don’t care as much as they used to—you’re a—”

“None of that’s my bleeding fault!” Remus hissed, livid. “If the world weren’t so petty and prejudiced I’d have a rather good job, which is more than I can say for you. All you do is cater to the whims on Jon Davis all day when he comes home from his shit job at the ministry that he only got because of his daddy’s bleeding connections!”

“Jon’s a good, reliable person, Remus,” Maria shouted. “We’ve got a good relationship and you don’t want to accept that!”

“That’s because you’re settling,” Remus said, his voice now so quiet it was hardly audible. Lily had to strain to hear. As one, all the people in room leaned forward to hear what was said. “And I never knew you to settle.”

His anger was just beneath the surface of his words. Lily took a step backwards.

“He’s not anything like me,” Remus whispered in Maria’s ear, and Maria went white as a ghost. “He’s completely different—he doesn’t satisfy you—you want a good shag so bad you’re panting for it…you’re pathetic, Maria.”

With careful, controlled movements, Maria pushed Remus away. “I’m not pathetic,” she enunciated. “What’s pathetic,” she continued, “is that it’s taken us this long to finally realize what a terrible couple we made.”

She had gone too far, of course, but no one really realized it except Lily, who saw the way both of them reacted: anger.

“Aw, damn. They just ruined Christmas,” James whispered in Lily’s ear as the two quarrellers stalked off furiously in opposite directions.

…….

32. Chapter Thirty: Hands in Everything

I own nothing.

……

Chapter 30: Hands in Everything

[Slow Hands, by Interpol]

……………………….

March 31, 1980

……………………….

Lily’s hand rested on her swollen stomach as she sat curled up in her living room with a book, staring out at the drizzling spring day outside. She had fallen to daydreams some twenty minutes before, and for some reason could not stop thinking about Hogwarts.

Lily was finding that her memories from her alma mater were oddly fractured, as if large blocks of time had been vanished away by one of James’s best spells. It wasn’t as though she couldn’t remember things—they were just hazy, indistinct, as if for some reason, the rain outside had ventured into her mind and was obscuring her perspective.

She felt weak, listless, as if she hadn’t eaten enough and was about to collapse. It might have been the day—today, Lily was five months pregnant, and that was the month she had lost her baby in before, last year. She had not mentioned this strange, overwhelming feeling to James, who had enough going on with his mysterious job in the Ministry, the specifics of which he could only describe minimally.

She looked over the clock; he should have been home by now. As if on cue, flames suddenly erupted in the fireplace and James stumbled out, couching wildly. He put his hand on one of the armchairs to steady himself and then straightened, sending Lily a dazzling smile. He came over to her chair.

“Budge up,” he ordered, and Lily shook her head. James bore down on her and Lily shrieked, laughing as she shifted to give him room. They sat sideways in the large chair, James’s hands wrapped around her middle and his hands on her belly. He rested his chin on her shoulder and yawned, his warm breath coming out in a rush against her neck. Lily shuddered and giggled when he kissed her skin lightly, keeping his mouth there.

“How was work?”

“Fine.”

“Do anything exciting?”

“Hundreds of things I’m never going to tell you,” he deadpanned.

“Yes, yes—confidential,” Lily grumbled, leaning fully against him and feeling ready to take a nap. Some of her lethargy had disappeared now that James was here. She tipped her head back and shut her eyes, letting her book fall to the floor.

“You going to pick that up?”

“Nope,” Lily replied, yawning. James bit her lightly behind her ear and then kissed the spot, groaning.

“Alright then. I saw Remus today.” James sighed. “He’s not doing very well.”

The last time they had seen Remus had been on Valentine’s Day. Lily had owled him five times since and had received no reply. It was rather daunting, but Lily knew the only way Remus would ever get out of his Maria-induced slump would be if he was surrounded by people. People, unfortunately for Remus, were either confined to their houses because they were pregnant, hiding a secretive job from their wife, acting as if they were four years old, and just not showing up, period. Looked at from an outside perspective, Remus had the worst friends in the world.

“What’s wrong with him?” she asked quietly, already composing a note in her mind.

“No one will hire him—he’s just gone through the full moon and I couldn’t be there, so it was just him and Sirius and Peter; he’d just seen Snape and Malfoy in the Ministry and they made some obnoxious comments—did you know Lucius Malfoy had a son? Bloody insane, him procreating, and Remus—he’s still angry at Maria and more than a little hurt, you’d say—on top of that, he’s hard up for money and he won’t take any from me. I don’t know what he’s going to do, Lily. These—these stupid people won’t give him the time of day because he’s a werewolf—it’s ridiculous. It’s insane. It makes me so sick…” He trailed off and hugged her a little tighter.

“Not good times for him to live in alone,” Lily whispered, her eyes fixed on the drizzle outside.

“No, it’s not good for him to be alone. He’s been stuck in this…this dead mood for so long, since before Christmas: it’s like a perpetual winter for him. Remus hates winter. What’ll he do if…if they decided that werewolves are too much of a liability? What happens then, Lily?”

Lily bit her lip. “I don’t know, James. But…”

“But what?”

Lily turned and saw that his brow was furrowed; a thin line had appeared in the middle of his forehead, giving away the fact that all was not well in the mind of James Potter. She turned back to the window, to the slushy day that was more cold than warm, and sighed once more.

“What, Lily?”

“Spring is coming,” she whispered.

There was a long silence, and then she felt James nod. “Right. Spring’s coming. Almost here.”

She nodded too. For just that one moment, she thought about the loveliness of rain, and her worries receded for a short time. She felt James relax and shut her eyes.

“Dinner?” he muttered.

With a sharp pang, Lily remembered how he would say that to her back at Hogwarts, ready and gleeful to be getting food. “Dinner!?” he’s ask brightly, as if it was the best thing in the world. How far they had traveled since then, to this time where he sounded so defeated when talking about food! Lily had never really appreciated change, and James was her constant. If he changed anymore, what was she to do?

He played with her hair and kissed her neck again before pressing his hands against her hips and rising to the kitchen. After a few moments, Lily heard something explode, and with a soft smile, she though that just maybe, he hadn’t changed so much after all. Maybe there was a little of the old sixteen year old James Potter in whom he was today, and she just had to dig a little deeper to bring it out, to bring to life the wonderful boy whom she had first fallen in love with.

A strange feeling in her stomach startled her. Her hand flew to her belly and she felt it again, like she had just been tickled from the inside of her body. She still wasn’t used to the feeling of the baby kicking, even though she had felt it often. James thought their child was sure to be a good flyer, Lily thought James was an idiot.

James came back in the room, announcing that dinner was ready. “Is everything alright?” he asked, noticing that her stare was slightly more vacant than usual.

“The baby’s kicking again,” she replied, and James came over, placing his hand next to hers and smiling.

They stayed there until the baby settled down. There would always be a spring, and there would come new life with it.

…………………..

April 22, 1980

…………………..

The summons came from Dumbledore early in the morning, waking them from their slumber, James stumbled out of bed and crashed into the end table on the way to the window, cursing, but he finally opening the window and snatched the note, glaring at the owl, which just ruffled its feathers and flew away. James unrolled the parchment and scanned the words, frowning. He looked to where Lily was lying, sprawled on the bed and staring at him.

“Dumbledore wants to see us, urgently.”

One hour later, they were entering the Hogwarts castle. James paused a little before entering, but when he did, he swallowed audibly and followed Lily to the Headmaster’s office. They used the password they had been given and in just two minutes, found themselves seated in chairs across from the very grave-looking headmaster.

He did not offer them any of the candies he kept in his desk; Lily’s palms began to sweat uncontrollably and she rubbed them on her robes, glancing over at James. The furrow was in his brow again.

“How are you, Lily?” he asked gravely, and she replied with a mundane comment. He seemed particularly interested in how the baby was doing, and she told him that everything was perfectly fine. He then directed his question at James and they had a cryptic talk about James’s job, none of which Lily understood, before they fell to silence and Dumbledore regarded them over the lenses of his glasses, his fingers pressed together in a steeple shape.

“Divination,” he began, much to Lily’s surprise, “is a very imprecise branch of magic. You both know this, of course, considering that you both possess magic that is even more obscure…Lily, James, I have something very important to tell you.”

Lily had had to stop using any conscious form of Ancient Magic as soon as she knew she was pregnant, for fear that her magic would bleed into the baby’s and he would take some of Lily’s life force with him when he was born. She had never realized how much she relied on her magic to see whether a person was trustworthy or whether someone was lying. James had been sympathetic, but then, he had never had to live without his magic. Now she had to restrain herself from trying to see what kind of secret Dumbledore was hiding. Neither Lily nor James replied; James’s hand moved an inch so his fingers rested on top of hers.

“Professor Sandrine will be leaving us next year and it’s been quite a challenge to find a replacement, but I believe I found one last month.” Dumbledore sighed and continued. “The circumstances, however, were quite strange. Her name is Sybil Trelawney.”

He looked at the pair of them as if this should mean something to them, and then he sighed wearily. “I myself have always been slightly doubtful, and she could tell me nothing of interest, so I was quite sure I would not be hiring her. And then—quite to my surprise, Miss Trelawney went into a trance.”

James’s finger’s tightened over Lily’s and she saw his eyes flicker to the side. Following his line of sight, she noticed what she had not before. Standing by the side of the desk was a Pensieve.

Dumbledore paused. “I do not mean to say that this is entirely believable, but I have never seen such a thing in my life. I can only hope you will accept what you see.” With slow movements, he raised his wand to his temple and it came away with a stringy white substance on it. He added this to liquid—if it could be called that—in the bowl of Pensive. Lily watched, fascinated as the silvery contents began to swirl. The substance bubbled over itself and broke into a mound, which shaped itself into a woman with a hunched back and oversized glasses. Lily opened her mouth to finally ask what was going on, but the words the came from the figure’s mouth chilled her.

The voice was harsh and totally unbefitting of the woman draped in heavy shawls before her.

“THE ONE WITH THE POWER TO VANQUISH THE DARK LORD APPROACHES…BORN TO THOSE WHO HAVE THRICE DEFIED HIM, BORN AS THE SEVENTH MONTH DIES…AND THE DARK LORD WILL MARK HIM AS HIS EQUAL, BUT HE WILL HAVE POWER THE DARK LORD KNOWS NOT…AND EITHER MUST DIE AT THE HAND OF THE OTHER, FOR NEITHER CAN LIVE WHILE THE OTHER SURVIVES…THE ONE WITH THE POWER TO VANQUISH THE DARK LORD WILL BE BORN AS THE SEVENTH MONTH DIES...”

The woman sank back into the Pensieve as if she had never existed; James was holding Lily’s hand so hard she realized he must have broken it, and she raised her eyes to Dumbledore’s, placing her free hand over her belly.

“What’s it mean?” she asked flatly, disrespectfully, but Dumbledore did not seem to care. He locked gazes with Lily levelly.

“It means that someone is going to have a baby which will be able to vanquish Voldemort, and I’m quite certain it’s you. I’ve been considering this for almost a month—there are specifications which point to only two infants.”

Lily looked down, her brows laced together. She felt a peculiar sensation rising in her chest; she was quite afraid it was the urge to cry. She gritted her teeth and looked up. “The—the part about thrice-defying him. I don’t…I don’t think we’ve ever…”

“I seem to recall an overnight ordeal sometime early in your seventh year,” Dumbledore reminded her gently.

“That’s only one,” Lily muttered. “Just one.”

“The letters,” James said quietly, sounding quite sick. “Remember the recruitment letters? I burned mine.”

“I burned mine too,” Lily whispered, wishing she hadn’t.

“That’s twice,” James said. “What about the third time?”

Dumbledore sat up straighter. “I rather think you’ll have a choice again, James, whether by letter or in person. Defiance is not only escaping someone, but rejecting what they stand for. As for your son—”

“We’re not sure it’s a boy,” Lily said weakly. “That Charm…it’s unstable, at best.”

“You are the best at Charms, Lily,” James murmured, not looking at her.

“Whether or not your baby is a boy or a girl, I still recommend that you take necessary steps for protection after he or she is born,” Dumbledore went on. “There are two babies that will be born at the end of July who have parents in the Order of the Phoenix, who have parents who have ‘defied’ Voldemort, as it’s described.”

“The other couple?” James asked hesitantly.

“The Longbottoms,” Lily answered. “Frank and Alice. They…I was speaking to her the other day when I went to see you for lunch. July 30^th, her baby’s due. A boy.”

“Quite right, Lily,” Dumbledore said, but she wasn’t listening.

She seemed to forget herself then, and she looked down at her hand in James’s, clamping her lips shut and breathing hard to force tears away. How could it be possible that they would be hunted for something that wasn’t even confirmed, something they didn’t know applied to them? How, after the universe had dealt them so many blows, could they be hurt again?

She felt James’s strong, capable hand on her elbow, felt him shaking, felt him pull her out of the room. She dimly heard Dumbledore offer some sort of comfort, but she heard only the cadence of his voice and could discern no words. She followed James blindly as he led her through the winding, confusing halls. She could hardly breathe over the lump in her throat.

They came to a halt and Lily bumped against her husband’s back. He turned and took her hand, his eyes wide and terrified behind his glasses. “I don’t…Lily—” His hand went to her belly and he kept it there, swallowing hard and pulling her close.

“Now what?” she whispered.

“I’m not sure,” James replied, “but we have to…well, we have to be careful, I suppose. Stay in the house, up the protection, let Sirius and Remus and Peter know so they can…so they can be there if they need to…I…I’m not very sure, Lily. This is…this is bad. I’m not sure if we can—”

“We will!” Lily cried loudly, shocked when her voice rebounded off the incredibly high ceiling of the Entrance Hall and assaulted her own ears, shrill and high, like a banshee’s.

James’s hand on her back tightened and he looked over her shoulder. Lily turned and she pulled her cloak tighter so her pregnant stomach was less visible. Professor McGonagall was coming down the great marble staircase, her mouth in a thin line, her posture stiff, Lucius Malfoy behind her.

Malfoy caught sight of them and said something to McGonagall, who looked not the least bit surprised to see them. Lily practically felt her old professor grind her teeth as she led the tall blond man over to them.

“Good morning,” McGonagall said, offering them what was perhaps the nicest smile Lily had ever seen from the woman.

“Good morning, Professor,” they said simultaneously, as if they were still students. Lily supposed they always would be. The looked at Malfoy next.

“Hello, Potter,” he said, looking at James and ignoring Lily completely. Lily stared up at his patrician features and blinked several times, thinking about how the last time she had seen him, he had been ready to rape her.

“Malfoy,” James said distastefully. Lily knew that he saw Malfoy rather often at the Ministry, but that they did not speak to one another. Lily knew James’s hand was curling even more tightly around her waist and he was pulling her closer by the second. The action let her cloak open and Malfoy’s eyes instantly were on her stomach.

“A baby?” he asked, sounding delighted. “I’ve just had one myself. A boy. Draco.”

Lily managed something of a congratulations and Malfoy’s eyes narrowed. “When are you due?” he asked politely.

There was long, long pause, in which Lily looked at James and saw him raise a challenge to Malfoy as they locked eyes. “The end of July. You know, the seventh month of the year. The 31^st.”

“I’ll be looking out on the day,” Malfoy said mockingly. He turned to McGonagall. “It’s been a pleasure inspecting the school. I’ll be filing my complaints with the rest of the governors.”

“Please do, Malfoy. We’ve been happy to accommodate you.” McGonagall actually took the man’s arm and led him to the doors, bidding him goodbye, Lily pressed her shaking face into James’s shoulder and bit back a moan.

“Why’d you do that?” she had to ask. “Why’d you tell him that?”

James pulled away to look at her. “Lily—he knows anyways. We’re not hiding from Malfoy, of all people.”

“But…now you’ve…James, please don’t talk about it to anyone, alright? Tell Sirius and Remus and Peter, but leave the rest for speculation because I…I…oh, damn…this is horrible…”

“Let’s go,” James said. She didn’t move. “Come on, we’ve got to get out of here and do something. We can’t think about this right now.”

“James—this is so bad—James—”

James leaned down so his eyes were level with Lily’s. “Lily, you have to get a hold of yourself. You cannot get worked up about anything. Calm down, please.”

Lily took two deep breaths and kept her eyes on James’s, feeling inferior. How was he dealing with this when she was falling apart? How could he stand there calmly when they had just been told what they had just been told?

“Mr. Potter, Miss…Lily. James. How are you?”

They both looked up at Professor McGonagall when she spoke to them. Lily almost wept at familiar sight of her teacher’s fair and no-nonsense face, but she did get a hold of herself and managed a small smile, straightened her back against the weight of her baby. “I’m fine, Professor. And yourself?”

“I’m as well as I always have been,” McGonagall said proudly.

“The Quidditch team?” James asked, and Lily smiled. She suspected McGonagall might have as well.

“Never as good as yours,” the Professor said. “I do have a class soon, I’m afraid.”

“Yeah,” James said wistfully. “Those were the days.”

McGonagall left them and they began to walk toward the doors, but Lily stopped and turned to the far wall, walking quickly across the Hall and stopping before the plaque that had hung there since their graduation last year. Dumbledore had told Lily and James that it would be moved to the cemetery at some point, but it had not happened yet. James followed Lily and stopped behind her as she traced her fingers over the words.

“The dead cannot cry out for justice,” she whispered. “They need their justice, James. Who’s going to give it to them?”

James smiled sadly at her and put his hand in what seemed to be its perpetual place—splayed over her stomach. “We are,” he told her, kissing her ear lightly and taking her from the Entrance Hall and out into the dreary April day.

…………………….

July 31, 1980

…………………….

“I—WANT—JAMES!”

James’s arms flailed and he fell out of his chair, rubbing sleep from his eyes and panting, looking around the room with its white walls and its antiseptic smell. Two Healers looked at him disdainfully as they passed, and he childishly sent them dirty looks. He looked at Remus, who was snoring in his own chair, and than at Sirius and Maria, who were talking gravely. Peter was late, of course. Peter was always late, nowadays.

They were sitting in chairs just outside the delivery room in St. Mungo’s, and James had clearly heard Lily alternatively curse him and beg for him over the past twenty-two hours, until he had fallen asleep some time ago. He had rushed out of the room when she began throwing things at him and rushed back in when she screamed for him at least six times before the Healers told him to get out and stay out.

“Here we go again,” he muttered, standing up and opening the door to the delivery room cautiously, hoping they would let him back in. One of the nurses waved him in and he approached Lily’s bed and knelt next to her face, taking her hand and smoothing some of her hair back. “I’m here, Lily,” he said quietly, squeezing her hand. She turned her face to him and he noticed that she was gasping.

“Push, Lily. Push,” the Healer said from between her legs. James had been quite alarmed to know that a man would be doing the delivery, but after the first six hours he had gotten over his snit. He still didn’t like seeing the bloke between his wife’s legs.

Lily screwed up her face and nearly broke the bones in James’s hand as she pushed for all she was worth, a loud, continuous whine sounding in the back of her throat from the pain. Her hair was pulled back from her face in an incredibly messy ponytail that James had been halfway through completing when she decided he was the scourge of the earth and threw the wireless on her bedside table at him. She was half-reclining, her legs splayed, her chest heaving. James’s heart went out to her endearing, pained appearance, as angry as she was at him for doing this to her.

“Keep on pushing Lily—I can see the head—keep pushing—”

“Go on, Lily. Show ‘em all,” he muttered in her ear as she sobbed and pushed. “Come on…you can do it…Sirius is out there with Maria and Remus—they’re tired, come on, Lily—”

“I’ve got the shoulders! Not long now, Lily. Keep it up—you’re doing brilliant—yes, James—help her along, just like that—”

He kissed her behind her ear, as he had always been wont to do. “Fuck ‘em, Lily,” he whispered. “Forget about the bloody Death Eaters and the prophecy and whatnot—this is just for us, just for us—you can do this—”

The sudden sound of a high wail caused James to stagger back in surprise. He was looking at Lily in awe and missed the swaddling of the baby, but he did see the small, noisy form placed in Lily shaking arms.

“It hurts,” she whimpered, “it hurts, but…oh…” She extended a finger and touched the baby’s cheek, then looked at James, her eyes drooping. “I…”

James could only stare at her.

They took the baby from her after a couple of minutes, and Lily could hardly smile at James before she was unconscious. James, swaying on his feet and not really aware of what was going on, stumbled back into the main hallway. Remus was awake and staring blearily at the door and Peter was still not there. Sirius and Maria looked at him expectantly.

“Is something wrong?” Sirius asked, starting to rise from his chair, a horrified expression on his face.

“No—I just—it’s…” James rubbed his eyes. “I’m tired.”

They looked at him disbelievingly. “James—is it a boy or a girl?”

James blinked at them. He didn’t know. How could he not know? They’d said—but he hadn’t been paying attention. Then, James thought of the prophecy, and the fact that it was 11:57 p.m. on July 31^st, and that both Lily and James had refused subtle offers to join the Death Eater circle since the end of March.

“It’s a boy,” he said quietly, and then he collapsed.

……

“James—wake up. Lily wants to see you.”

James groaned and shifted in his uncomfortable chair, cracking one eye open and looking at Sirius’s haggard but gleeful face. “James—you great git—get up!”

James pushed himself off the chair and squinted at his watch. Ten in the morning. He shook his head to clear his daze and looked around, realizing they were in a different wing of the hospital. “Where are we?”

“The fifth floor,” Sirius said. “Dumbledore got you in here. Something about secrecy and whatnot. Lily’s asking for you.”

James frowned. “Where are Remus and Maria? Is Peter here?”

“Not together, that’s for sure, and yes, Peter’s here. He’s getting us something to eat. I think Remus is with him, actually, and Maria went to tell Jon the news. She’ll probably be back soon. Now go see Lily.”

“Right,” James said, a little nervous. “Do I look like shit?”

“Always. Here,” Sirius said jovially, perform a few quick cleaning charms on James, including one to freshen his breath. James sent him a look and Sirius raised his eyebrows. “You’re married now, Prongs—yes, we know you kiss—if she’s got to kiss your dirty gob, it might as well taste—”

James smacked Sirius on the arm and he grinned, unshakable. “Lily,” he ordered, pointing down a hallway James had never seen before. “First door on your left.”

“Right,” James said again.

Lily was sitting up, her eyes shut, but he could tell she wasn’t sleeping. There was a suspiciously baby-looking bundle in her arms and James shut the door with a click, literally shaking. Lily opened her eyes slowly and smiled radiantly at him, her eyes shy and uncertain. He stepped forward, a ridiculous lump in his throat, and he sat down on the bed by her side.

“Are you alright?” he asked softly.

Lily nodded fervently, holding out to him her bundle, pressing her lips together as if she was a child waiting for praise. James thought of Darlene Meadows suddenly and wondered whether her baby was still safe after she had gotten it back. He felt Lily adjusting his arms around the warm body he was now holding and looked down at his son.

The baby was looking up at him with Lily’s eyes, blinking solemnly and swathed in a hat and two layers of blankets. He smelled…clean, fresh, warm—like a baby, was all James could say. It was like an armful of soul, right there in his arms. James swallowed and Lily put her hand on his leg.

“Go on now, James. You show ‘em. Cry!”

James laughed and looked at her smiling face, suddenly so overcome with what he was feeling. Who had this? Who else had someone as perfect as Lily and this baby in his arms?

Nobody. Everyone was lacking—and he pitied them all.

“How’s his hair?” James asked teasingly, so afraid he would drop the baby and be taken away to Azkaban.

“Black. I think it’ll be just like yours,” Lily remarked, shifting over on the bed and leaning against him, her cheek pillowed on his bent knee and her eyes level with the baby’s body. “He’s going to be a hairy little baby.”

“Mm…have you thought of a name?”

Lily paused. “Well…I was thinking Harry. Harry James.”

James didn’t care what the baby was called, as long as he got to call the baby anything and it called him dad and he had Lily by his side—he didn’t care. Lily could pick the name.

“That’s good,” James said quietly. “Harry James Potter.”

“He’ll do great things,” Lily said sleepily, yawning.

James continued to gaze down at his son as Lily dropped off to sleep. “Yeah,” he muttered, “you’ll do great things, Harry.”

There was a respectful moment of silence as the wait of the seemingly innocuous comment weighed down on the small family. Lily swallowed and yawned, turning so her body twisted and she was still using James’s thigh as a pillow. She shifted to get comfortable and her fingers grazed his thigh, just so she would be touching him.

“The others should come in,” Lily suggested. “Otherwise they’ll get anxious.”

James shrugged. He didn’t want to get up; he didn’t have to. There was a light knock on the door and James called out for the others to come in. The door opened slowly and Maria poked her head in first—James hoped to Merlin she hadn’t been tactless and had left Jon at home.

She had been smart. She was followed by only Sirius, Peter, and Remus—there was no one else—thankfully not Jonathan. Maria stood by the head of Lily’s bed (not the side James was on), but Sirius, Remus, and Peter came up on James’s side. Lily reached out her hands and took Maria’s in one; Sirius took her other and squeezed tightly. James cradled his baby a little tighter and looked up at Sirius’s rather awestruck expression.

Few things in Sirius’s life had been completely and totally pure, completely and totally innocent. James could think that there were probably five times that Sirius had been truly shocked into silence—this was the sixth. Even Sirius knew when something was truly worth acting like an adult—in some ways.

“Can I hold him?” Sirius ventured, his dark eyes wide. Lily laughed softly, looking up at the ceiling, and she sighed.

James didn’t quite know how to transfer the newborn baby to another person, but he managed somehow and Sirius was holding the armful of baby in his arms, swallowing hard. “What’s his name?”

“Harry,” James answered, and Sirius nodded. They all watched as he raised Harry slightly and looked him in the eye for a good two minutes, almost as if he was having a conversation with him. “I hope he’s happy to meet his Godfather,” James continued absently.

The look on Sirius’s face was not quite like anything James had ever seen before. There had been jokes and promises—but the reality of the moment could not be anticipated. Sirius looked over at Peter and Remus, but they shrugged.

“We get the second and third kids,” Peter said hastily, assuring Sirius that it was fine—they were fine, and mostly, that Sirius was fine.

“Peter,” Lily said teasingly, “do you think I’m some sort of machine?”

There was a plethora of coughing and glances directed at James, but he just shrugged, running his fingers through Lily’s silky hair. It had been washed since she had been in labor.

Sirius stayed silent, still staring at his new charge. He looked up presently and smiled—rather maturely—at James. “He’s going to be just like his parents,” Sirius said. “I understand him. I…you don’t know what this means.”

In the brief instant it took for James to think of something to say, he had a strange flash of memory—a memory he hadn’t thought of in quite some time. It had been the full moon and a particularly difficult transformation for Remus. They had had quite a time of calming him down and, since it was their fifth year, did not fully know how to transform back into their human selves and not sustain any wounds, like they could now. Each boy deeply bleeding in several places, they had headed back to the castle to patch themselves up however they could.

It had been Peter who had tripped first, toppling over onto Remus, who knocked into James and Sirius. They hadn’t known all their blood was mixing until they felt the tingling sensation in their bodies—magic—blood magic.

All their scars had healed and disappeared except for the places where their blood had entered another boy’s body. James had four white scars from the escapade, two on his legs, one on his foot, and another on his arm. It was a constant reminder that he had a little of each other boy inside of himself to guide him, that he would never truly be alone without his brothers.

Brother—the word that Sirius had stopped using for Regulus some time ago, when Regulus’s eyes had deadened and taken his soul with them. Brother—the word Emily used for James. Brother—the word for each other.

“Blood’s blood, eh?” James asked quietly of Sirius, and he knew that all four of the Marauders were thinking about their strange incident.

“Blood’s blood,” Sirius repeated, his voice a rasp. He let out a deep, deep breath. “Blood’s blood.”

Sirius was loathe to let Harry go but he let Remus hold him next; it was a good thing, too, for it prevented James’s solemn friend from storming off when Lily stiffened and sat up, wrenching Maria’s hand closer and examining it.

“Maria?” she gasped, looking up at the brunette. Maria’s mouth dropped open and her cheeks flamed as she tried to pull away. Lily kept her grip on Maria’s fingers and held them up so the rest could see the diamond engagement ring on her hand.

Harry must have sensed the negative energy, because he began to cry loudly, hiccupping wails that did not abate when Peter took him from Remus and jostled him slightly. James got up and took Harry from Peter, settling him in Lily’s capable grip and pulling his hat down so it fit properly. He forbade himself from looking at the expression on Maria’s face—on Remus’s face….Lily looked mortified for having been so tactless about bringing it up, but Harry’s weight in her arms seemed to assuage her restlessness.

“Congratulations,” Remus said quietly, finally breaking the engagement-related silence. James and the rest erupted in best wishes as well, clamoring for a little attention to make her stop staring at Remus. Remus’s face was impassive, but James knew how hurt he would be. He resolved to do something for his friend, and soon.

“Oh…er…thanks. I…well, congratulations to you!” Maria blurted, her cheeks flaming red. She looked from Lily to James. “You two just had a baby!” She laughed a little and, her legs shaking slightly, sat down on Lily’s bed.

“Yes, well,” James put in, trying to lighten the mood, “it’s not like I was in there for half the time. Lily just might have killed me.”

Peter and Sirius sniggered. Remus let a slight smile steal over his face, but he looked too pained to show any other sign of emotion. Lily, her eyes closed again, smiled, and her head drooped forward. James leaned towards her and put his mouth next to her ear. “Can I take him…I mean, Harry?” he asked.

She nodded slightly, almost asleep. James lifted the baby from her arms and put him in the small clear plastic bassinet next to Lily’s bed. He pulled Lily’s covers up in a strangely protective gesture and put his fingers to his lips. He stayed there, watching her sleeping form, his breath catching in his throat and refusing to leave until he swallowed hard and gritted his teeth. His friends had left the room; he followed them.

He did return to her room sometime later, after their friends had gone home. Sirius had not seemed to want to leave—he happily would have returned to the room to watch Harry with James, but Remus, blessed, intuitive Remus, had pulled him from the hospital by force.

Lily was awake and waiting for him, much perkier than before. He had seen a Healer walk in with a potion earlier. It must have helped.

“You look livelier,” he remarked dryly, kissing her lightly. Lily grabbed him by the collar and deepened the kiss, breaking away with a teasing smile.

“Much livelier,” she murmured. “How about we get started on those other kids for Remus and Peter, hmm?”

“Leaving out Maria now, are we?” James asked, his eyebrows raised.

Lily cocked her head to the side, puzzled. “Actually, James…I was thinking. Maybe she…maybe she can be Harry’s Godmother. I mean,” she continued, seeing the skeptical look on James’s face, “that it would be more fitting if she was a Godmother to Remus’s Godfather—but I think she…well, she needs to be assured that we’re here for her now, even if it’s Sirius who’s her counterpart instead. She’s my friend, too, James. I have so few and I—I want to include her.”

James looked down and shrugged, then nodded. “Fine. I reckon it’s okay. We’ll tell her tomorrow.” He looked to the side, rocking back and forth. “Um…”

Lily threw back her head and laughed. “You can pick him up, James!”

“Yeah, well I didn’t know whether or not I had to ask,” James muttered sheepishly, turning and gently picking up Harry, supporting his head with one of his hands, as he had seen Evelyn do once or twice when she would baby-sit for children.

“The doctor says I’m out tomorrow,” Lily told James, looking up at him, her mouth slightly open and her pink tongue running over her lips. “Done. Home. Home.”

“Yeah. Home.” James sighed, and then Harry woke and began to cry again, his mouth opening and closing on each piercing wail. James winced and Lily held out her arms—James gave her the baby and Lily sent him a reproachful look ahead of time as she unbuttoned the huge hospital smock she was wearing and pushed one half aside, deftly guiding the baby’s mouth to her nipple.

Harry quieted, happily suckling, while James raised his eyebrows. He opened his mouth to say something perverted but Lily reached out her foot and kicked him from under the blankets.

“I had the hardest time, earlier. When you were asleep,” Lily said. “Doing this, I mean. I couldn’t get him to—to suck. The nurse had to show me how—it was mortifying. Sirius caught the tail end of the conversation and I thought he was going to die with laughter.”

James reached out a hand and touched her cheek, brushing away her hair. “You’re doing wonderfully, Lily. I mean it.”

“Are you telling the truth?” she asked, wincing as Harry became excessively enthusiastic.

“Of course,” James said, dropping his hand and stroking the side of her waist. “Does this hurt? I—does it still hurt?”

Lily shook her head. “Actually, no, it doesn’t. You know, my mother told me that when she had Petunia and me she had to stay in the hospital for a week each time because she was too weak to leave. And here they just give me a potion and I’m all better. It doesn’t seem fair.”

“Witches heal faster anyways,” James said, “if the affliction isn’t magical. Cuts and bruises that aren’t caused by curses or excessive force, childbirth—since that’s as natural as you get—it all heals faster for witches and wizards.”

“It still seems like I’m cheating,” Lily said.

“Lily, we can’t stay here for long with Harry. Not after…not after we refused those offers. That’s three times’ defiance, Lily. It’s…it’s possible that Harry…”

“Harry’s a half-blood!” Lily cried. “How can Voldemort want him? The Longbottoms’ child will be a pureblood—”

“Is,” James said.

“What?”

“Is. He is a pureblood. He was born the day before Harry.”

Lily paused. “Oh,” she said weakly.

“I saw Frank in the delivery waiting room, Lily. Alice had Neville just as you went into labor. I think…well, we should see them, right?”

Lily was silent, but she looked up at James and nodded. “Yes, we should see them.”

“Well that’s good,” James said, sighing with relief, “because Frank’s bring Alice and Neville up at half-three, actually, that’s in five minutes—don’t give me that look, I knew you would’ve agreed.”

Lily sighed, then looked down as Harry stopped sucking. She handed him awkwardly to James and closed her shirt, taking him again when she was finished. “What if it’s Harry he’s after, James? What then?”

Harry blinked sleepily at James, worn out by his feeding. “I…then we do whatever we can, Lily. I don’t really know what we’ll do.”

The pair of them, Lily and James, sat with their son until there was a soft knock on the door. Frank Longbottom poked his head around the door, and then walked in, followed by his wife, Alice, who was holding a bundle that looked much like Harry in her arms, yet slightly plumper.

Frank Longbottom was a handsome man, well over six feet with dark hair that fell into his eyes, shot through with silver at the temples. His eyes were a not so unattractive hazel. His dark brawniness fit well with his wife’s rather curvy, blond beauty. Alice Longbottom smiled shyly at Lily and James. “Hello,” she said quietly. “We probably shouldn’t be up here, but—you know how it is. Never did like the rules, this one,” She nudged her husband with her foot. He smiled a little and then James motioned them into chairs. Lily greeted them cordially, although James could tell this was going to be an extremely awkward visit.

“How’s Neville doing?” Lily asked.

“Oh, he’s just fine,” Alice said, her face lighting up as she looked down at her son. “Nice and healthy, thank Merlin.”

Lily nodded. “It’s strange, isn’t it? Not having to carry around all that weight anymore?”

Alice nodded enthusiastically. “I know! I feel so free—it’s almost as if I don’t know what to do with myself!” Alice sat forward, cradling her baby to her chest. James handed Harry to Lily, sensing that she wanted to hold him, and then watched in bemusement as Lily put Alice and Frank completely at ease by talking about frivolous, light topics, such as the training they had gone through the N.E.W.T level classes they had taken. James remained mostly silent, watching Lily, and at the end of a half-hour Frank and Alice stood. Lily had put Harry in his bassinet by her side some time ago, and when the Longbottoms were about to walk out the door, Alice turned back.

“Actually—could I change Neville just now? I’d hate to have to do it when we get straight home because there may be people waiting for me with a surprise party, although I know nothing about that—” She smiled at her husband, who looked sheepish.

“Oh, sure! Go ahead,” Lily said. “Do you need any diapers? Actually, I lied. We’ve got two left and we’re going to need them.”

“I’ll just nip downstairs and get one from the room. All the things are packed,” Frank said. He hurried out of the room, and Lily motioned for Alice to place Neville in the bassinet with Harry. She did, lying her son down next to Lily’s.

All three were silent for a moment as they looked at these two special children, these two boys who had great, intertwining destinies. As they watched, little Neville’s arms flailed wildly as he screwed up his face and gulped in air to let out a wail at the discomfort in his diaper. He seemed to catch sight of the other baby next to him and, more as a reflex than anything else, moved his arms again. James, Lily, and Alice watched as Neville Longbottom’s tiny, tiny fingers grazed gently and briefly across Harry Potter’s forehead, just above and to the right of his nose, fluttering away in a moment, almost as if they had never made that tiny mark in the first place.

You Can't Hurry Love

1. Prologue

2. Chapter One: He Was Never Perfect

3. Chapter Two: Screwed

4. Chapter Three: Dreams

5. Chapter Four: The Attack

6. Chapter Five: Hope

7. Chapter Six: Seamless Team

8. Chapter Seven: The Dark

9. Chapter Eight: Letters

10. Chapter Nine: Foreshadowing

11. Chapter Ten: The Gift

12. Chapter Eleven: The Ball

13. Chapter Twelve: I Need You

14. Chapter Thirteen: Circles

15. Chapter Fourteen: If

16. Interlude: Sirius and Maria

17. Chapter Fifteen: Whispers

18. Chapter Sixteen: Do You Want Me?

19. Chapter Seventeen: Fever

20. Chapter Eighteen: Falling

21. Chapter Nineteen: Someone to Love

22. Chapter Twenty: Doomed

23. Chapter Twenty-One: Blocking

24. Chapter Twenty-Two: And the Sky Falls

25. Chapter Twenty-Three:

26. Chapter Twenty-Four: Never to Forget

27. Chapter Twenty-Five: Those Crazy Summer Days

28. Chapter Twenty-Six: Pretending

29. Chapter Twenty-Seven: Stand By Me

30. Chapter Twenty-Eight: Sweet Reunion

31. Chapter Twenty-Nine: Only the Best

32. Chapter Thirty: Hands in Everything