Right before Hogwarts graduation, Lily finds herself afraid of the future, leaving Hogwarts, entering the Wizarding World as an adult. In the end, she seeks counsel from an unlikely source: her 4th yr self. Slight L/J fluff.
From the Unofficial Portkey Archive: https://portkey-archive.org/story/467/
Dislaimer: All characters belong to JK Rowling and the respective publishing houses. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made on this story apart from the personal enjoyment I got in writing it.
Remember to Breathe
Have you ever had one of those days where you just wonder if it’s all worth it? All the work that you put in, all the effort, all the times you go out of your way to make it just so, and yet, in the end, you just can’t seem to find justification for any of it?
“I’ll be down in a minute!” Lily called, distracted, searching in her trunk. Can’t a girl get a little bit of privacy? You’d think that they needed express permission from the Head Girl to breathe, let alone decorate the Great Hall. Everyone seemed to be rushing around in pre-Graduation jitters. Only two days remained before Lily Evans would no longer be a student at Hogwarts, but a full-grown witch, free of cumbersome regulations and tedious Prefect meetings, unreasonable curfews and endlessly-shifting staircases. She was going to be graduating with one of the highest Charms scores in Hogwarts’ recent history, as well as having earned full marks on her NEWTs. She had a prestigious internship lined up at the Charms Institute of Britain, and she was in the middle of figuring out her budding relationship with James Potter, Head Boy and Gryffindor Quidditch Captain. She seemed to be going places, and had everything planned out. Except for one small detail. She was scared to death of leaving Hogwarts. She was stressed and strained-to-breaking, and all she wanted to do was scream. In the middle of a planning session, she’d run up here to her room, searching for the one last thing that would need to be taken care of before Graduation, but that wouldn’t need the full approval of the Prefects and McGonagall.
When she first started thinking about the time “after Hogwarts” in her fourth year, she wrote herself a letter to be opened right before graduation. Now, on the verge of the big day, she was going to read what she’d spent an entire night writing during Easter Hols. Her hands shook as she smoothed out the parchment, and began to read.
April 17, 1975
Dear Me,
If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived the pranks by the Marauders, insults by those slimy git Slytherins (grr), McGonagall’s exams, and seven of the most amazing years of your life so far. I’m sitting in the Common Room, dreaming of becoming a Prefect. Hopefully you’re laughing now, remembering how you agonized over getting the little silver badge, which now seems to be so much less important than it does to me as I write this. Hopefully, crossing fingers, you’ll be fiddling with your Head Girl badge right now (Lily chuckled, as she’d been doing just that). If not, then hopefully you got yourself a life sometime during 5th year and discovered what “fun” means. Either way, this is me, you, Lily Evans, age 15, attempting to offer you some advice about how to handle this new transition.
We all have pictures in our heads of how we want to look when we get older, the image that we hope to achieve. It’s the culmination of all the goals in our current lives, made from our current failures, and our envious feelings toward others. Our dreams change constantly, mine included, since my dearest wish at age 10 was to be a bus driver. They mature and are refined, until, hopefully, we discover one day that we’ve reached a point where we can safely evaluate our progress. Don’t worry, you’re not there yet, but at least I can offer you what I currently feel are the most important lessons I’ve learned thus far.
First, and most important, cut the bullshit. Yes, yes, language, I know. Thanks, Mum. Seriously, though, wade through the crap in your life and discover what’s true and real. There are a lot of people out to make you miserable for their own advancement. Take Severus. He’s a git and a half. His insults are numerous and painful. Remus provided me with some great insight, though: Severus spends his time making people miserable, but he is one of the unhappiest people at this school. What’s that worth? Answer? Nothing. Solution: don’t let him get to you. He’s not worth you losing sleep or even gritting your teeth. He takes away from what’s important in life, and you can’t let him win like that. Apart from Snape and his cronies, the same applies to you. Stay away from gossip, esp. when you haven’t confirmed it from the source (here, Lily cringed, remembering an unfortunate event in sixth year). Leave the pettiness to others---it won’t get you anywhere but in circles, never forward. I got a letter from Mum and Dad right before they died last Fall, saying that Petunia was, in Mum’s words, “having difficulties adjusting” to my being a witch. After they died, she held grudges for all of the little problems between us over the years. Probably still does. But you’re better than that, and she’s not worth more than a token glance. You’ll see, she’ll live up to her nickname in no time, spying on the neighbors and gossiping about their business. Ugh, I can see it now.
Don’t judge people until you get to know them. You’ve been judged often enough to know how it feels. Where would you be if Remus hadn’t been your partner for Potions this year? You’d never be on good terms with any of the Marauders! Hopefully you’ve found some redeeming qualities in them, because they seem to be happy with their lives as they are, which I can’t get over. The same goes for you. Don’t let people judge you as a Muggle-born. You went through the same training as the pure-bloods, so don’t let anyone make you feel that you don’t deserve all the accolades you get (and you BETTER be getting some awards, don’t tell me my studying right now isn’t paying off!).
Honestly, the more I think about it, the less I care about the Head Girl badge or the honors or the NEWT scores. I just hope you’re happy. I hope that right now, you have someone who thinks the world of you, and friends that would go to Azkaban before betraying you. I hope you’ve become someone who Dumbledore trusts, who FAWKES trusts, who James trusts. He’s the only other Gryffindor here right now because he has no family to go home to, and I’ve learned so much about him. He’s not just a Quidditch jock or a lazy git who doesn’t study but still gets grades as high as you do (totally unfair, in my opinion). He possesses the largest heart of anyone I’ve ever met, and he UNDERSTANDS. I think that’s just it. He may be prank-happy and delinquent, but he loves life, and makes the people around him love life as well. He’s got this amazing skill of forgiving those prat sidekicks of his for all their blunders. Mind you, he still has a temper, but he’ll listen to WHY Sirius just HAD to get in a fight, and then he’ll understand and get past it. In fact, with friends like he’s got, he could take on Death and not be afraid. I hope you’re friends with him. I hope he’s still like that. Truth be told, I could see me getting a crush on him in a few years…won’t that cause problems.
Anyway, what’s important is what’s left when you cut out the bullshit: the GRADES, the shallow people who only serve to fill space, the petty rivalries between Houses and pure-bloods and Muggle-borns, the bureaucratic nonsense that fluffs up the life of a Prefect. Do you know what’s left? Friendship. Loyalty. Courage. Bravery. It’s the waking up at 6am on a Saturday to go cheer on your friends in Quidditch. It’s the lending an ear to a Muggle-born first year who’s still not sure how he’s supposed to catch up to other students who’ve been wizards all their lives, and feels left out. It’s the respect that people have for WHO you are, not WHAT you are. It’s surrounding yourself with people who make you feel like a better version of yourself. It’s the becoming a better version of yourself for every day that you live.
Maybe, right now, you’ll be shaking your head at this foolishness. Please don’t. When we found out that the Prewett’s had been killed, all I could remember about Heather was that she was good at Transfiguration and had gone to the Yule Ball with Amos Diggory. She was in my house! I hope that you won’t be superficial, I hope that everyone will remember you (me) as someone they’ve been happy to know. It would be a big shame if you were Head Girl, top of the class, and as deep and well-rounded as a 2 x 4. Right now, I’m starting to learn to take time to breathe. I think that’s the first step. When you breathe, you clear your head, and can look around with a fresh outlook, not the same stale prejudices (nice play on words there, right?).
So if you’re thinking, “Is it all worth it? Is all the work I’ve put in really worth it? Am I ready to move on?” Ask James. Ask Dumbledore. If you’re ready to move on, you’ll already know what they’ll say, and can hear them saying it. You worry too much, Lily. You can’t keep focusing on the bullshit and the little things and forget to live. Life is made of what we put into it. Go out there and live it. Trust me, I don’t want to dream about a me who’s contemplating failing seventh year just to stay in the cocoon of Hogwarts for another year. I’d rather dream about a time when everyone knows my accomplishments in the wizard world, and remembers me for the love and UNDERSTANDING that I’ve been able to give those around me.
Good luck at Graduation. Don’t trip (pick up your feet, you know you’re no good on heels). Try not to stutter. Smile. Give hugs. And… remember to breathe. As our Irish Grandmother used to sing:
May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
And the rains fall soft upon your fields
And ‘til we meet again
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
Love,
Lily Evans
Gryffindor 4th Year
Lily wiped her eyes and gave a watery chuckle. Behind her, she heard a soft tap on the door. James Potter stood at the door, leaning against the frame, looking a little concerned. “Everything alright in here?”
“Yeah,” she said, nodding, “just needed time to get some air away from all this planning and bustle.” James relaxed his furrowed brow and gave a wry smile, walking over to envelop Lily in a hug which sent a rush of strength and warmth along her strung-out nerves. Feeling the need to vent a little, she continued. “I guess I was just afraid of what would happen when it all ends. School, I mean. Will I be able to handle it? Will I exist outside of these walls? Am I strong enough not to blend into the walls of the wizarding world?” She looked at James, hoping for some comforting words.
James gazed at her for a minute, tilting her chin so their eyes met. He kissed her softly but firmly. She felt warm and safe and strong and lucky, and as he pulled away, he said, quite simply, “Yes.”
And with that, Lily Evans and James Potter walked out of the 7th Year Girls’ Dormitories, down to the melée below, hand in hand, ready to take on the world. One breath at a time.
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