Talk About Alternate Universes

Facade

Rating: PG13
Genres: Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 17/07/2005
Last Updated: 17/07/2005
Status: paused

Sirius knew he was in for a long day when the veil toppled over. The answer to: how would a character not involved in HBP react. WTF indeed, the parody that HBP demanded.

Chapters

1. Enter the Queue of Abandoned Subplots

1. Enter the Queue of Abandoned Subplots

Talk about Alternate Universes

Sirius knew he was in for a long day when the veil toppled over.

Considering he had spent about a year in what we still don’t know thanks to JKR abandoning this subplot, he happened to be dazed at his new outcome.

Shockingly, he glanced around the Department of Mysteries and noticed that everything looked the same since his prompt demise(or so he thought). There were scorch marks haphazardly dashed around the place, some glass on the floor and a really odd glowing thing on the amphitheater.

His brow was in a permanent frown when he turned to the right and bumped into what appeared to be boulder. But the flesh-colored boulder grunted and as it moved, it bared its teeth at him.

He did the only thing one would in this circumstance and meeped. At the sound of his whine, he heard the click of heels down the hallway along with the distinct scratch of a quill on parchment.

“Sirius? Sirius Black?”

His head immediately forced himself to appreciate the muscly thighs of his first human encounter since his lame death (I fell through a curtain and died, lost my footing, you know? Usually you get a scratch and the odd Band-Aid, but Sirius snuffs it). It seemed like a hand was yanking at his mangy hair that after seconds of gazing at her taut stomach and semi-perky breasts he managed to finally make contact with her bespectacled eyes.

“Oh, you too?” she clucked.

His tongue suddenly got a lot larger and the blood started to drain from his brain. Only a corner of his mind (his rationality) acknowledged his docked IQ points.

The women snapped her pudgy fingers and produced a chocolate frog. Without any indication whatsoever, she stuffed it in his mouth and made his jaw clamp on it.

After rolling her eyes and abruptly unbuttoning her pinstripe suit so he’d take a peek and swallow the chocolate (when he gulped at the sight), he started to feel the odd sensation of coming into his own and getting his brain to work again.

To say he was relieved was an understatement and it came all too soon.

Rita sighed. “I suppose you’re wondering why you’re here?”

“Yes, I suppose knowing why I’m breathing would be nice. I feel kind of neglected... to be frank.” he admitted.

Rita let out a bark of laughter. “Tell me about it. I manage to make Potter into some hero again and next thing I know -- poof!-- I’m back here in line.”

Her hand waved towards the gigantic boulder and queue of people harmoniously grunting with little slips of paper dangling off their fingers.

“Here? Where is here -- ?” But he soon answered his own question. Up, towards the left, was a marker detailing what number they were on next to a sign scripted as “Department of Mysteries/ Abandoned Subplots Headquarters.”

With a ding, a yellow post-it stuck itself on his forehead. Rita plucked it and nodded her head.

“Number 5746587, you’re right behind GRAWP I’m afraid. Maybe, if I pull the right strings, I can get a chapter named after you before you come back here again.”

Sirius shook his head. “A - a chapter? But I was the title of a bloody book!”

“And you died... and really, being the namesake of a title doesn’t guarantee you immortality... Quite the opposite actually...”

Sirius thought about her statement. The Sorcerers Stone? Gone. Chamber of Secrets? Never heard of again. Prisoner of -- Him. Apparently deceased. Goblet of Fire. Never heard of again. Order of the Phoenix? Who knows about them.

Rita watched him and inclined her head to the line. Several Order members waved hello.

“Don’t tell me...” he breathed.

She tapped her long nails on his arm. “Yes, it’s all moot. The whole life you knew before tripping? Gone.”

He stuttered.

“What happened while I was gone and --” the imperious feeling returned again, damn Rita’s breasts! “--why am I so attracted to you when I barely know you?”

Her plump, luscious, succulent, etc lips pursed. “That’s what’s been happening, you see? Everyone suddenly realized they have sexual organs and got all possessed! Usually this is my forte, romance, but lately I’ve been in this phase of reporting the war (somehow I seem to think that’s important) and... I got fired.”

Sirius scratched his head. “You mean you actually have some integrity in your profession?”

“Someone has to. Sirius, my eyes are up here.”

Rita forced another chocolate frog in his mouth. She seemed to have a stack in her purse.

“What did you do? Raid Honeydukes?”

She bit her frog’s head off. “Mmm, it’s the only thing that helps the condition. I first got the idea since I remember that chocolate wards off evil, and I definitely classify what has happened as teh ebbil.”

He seriously wondered what had gone on in his absence. But to be honest, his curiosity was being killed off.

“At least it’s tasty.” He made the small talk. “But, what in the world?”

Her limber, delicate, porcelain, classical (CLASSICAL?) finger pointed to the front. There were what he assumed to be --

“Unspeakables. They’ll inform you on the situation, if you really want to know.”

He couldn’t seem to grasp anything at the moment. “Why Unspeakables?”

Rita stared at him. “What did you think they did? They try to organize everything and somehow inform JKR of the loose threads she has.”

“But, but, I never saw any of them last year.”

Rita leaned forward. “Think about it Sirius, everything made sense last year. Why would they be needed? The Unspeakables just relaxed and had confidence that a hormonal JKR would have everything under lock and key... Overestimation is just as deadly as underestimation. Oh! That is really quotable.”

His post-it note glowed and Rita smiled.

“At least they’re getting faster at this...”

A/N: I see the Harmony shippers need a cheer. Laughter is the greatest medicine and really HBP was begging to be parody’ed. I was too happy to comply. :) Don’t lose hope my shippers.