Her Guilt

a\n: This is completely and totally different than 'Nightmare'. Just a little ficlet I dreamt up while I type the next one.

Her Guilt

"'Mione, I thought you'd of all people would try to stop me. I guess I was wrong." Harry told me. His face faded into Lupin's.

"Hermione, I had you pegged to be more determined than you really are obviously. I'm so disappointed in you. Now Harry's lost his godfather because of you." He said as he sadly shook his head.

Lupin's face faded into Sirius'. "Hermione, I thought you were so much smarter than that. Even though you knew it was a trap, you didn't try hard enough to stop everyone and now I'm dead. It's all your fault."

I woke up at this screaming "I'M SORRY HARRY!" Luckily both my parents were out for the morning dealing with an emergency patient and some paper work. My first coherent thought was 'I have to write to Harry. Even if he won't write back. He has to know that someone still cares. Besides it's all my fault that he lost Sirius.' Just then, Hedwig came flying through the window I keep open for this reason. She looked so lonely. I knew Harry hasn't been much company to her lately. I don't see why she comes here, whether it's because he keeps forgetting to feed her or because she knows I'm worried, I may never know. "Just a minute girl. Here's some water and let me go grab some bread for you. Okay?" She hoots gratefully at me, then flies over to my shoulder to go downstairs with me. "I guess Harry's forgotten to feed you again?" I get a doleful hoot in response. "It's okay. He can't be in a very decent mood. As long as you don't mind that I don't have any owl treats for you; I don't mind feeding you. Sound good?" Another doleful hoot. Hedwig was eating the bread while I walked up to my room and broke off pieces for her to chew easier. I really didn't feel like being blamed for killing Harry's owl too. Once I sat down, I started writing a letter to Harry while Hedwig watched over my shoulder. When I'd finished, I gave it to her and she flew off into the morning sun. Then I got myself some breakfast, more for my parents' sake than mine. Even though I was completely healed from the curse Dolohov sent, I hadn't had much of an appetite which Madame Pomfrey said was normal. My parents chalked it up to the anticipation of OWLS results coming any day now.

Speaking of which, my mom knocked on the door and said, "Honey, did you get our note on the kitchen table?"

"Yeah Mum. I already had breakfast too, just like it said." I told her. Suddenly, Pig flew through the window. "Hold on Mum. Ron's just written me. Probably an update on Harry."

"Okay sweetheart. I'll let you read that. I know how important he is to you." and she left the room.

Ron's owl basically said this:

Hermione,

I'm guessing Hedwig's at your house because she wasn't here this morning. Sorry about forgetting to feed her. Harry only lets someone in his room is either when he goes to the bathroom. He's pretty strong if he doesn't want anyone in there. The only thing he ever asks is how you're doing. I guess he still feels pretty guilty for you getting hit with that curse. At least now, he's eating the entire meal we put out for him. I just don't know if he eats it in one sitting or in little bits over the day it's in there.

And in Ginny's writing:

Hi and come soon because I'm the only girl here besides Tonks and Mum and neither of them are much help!

Ron and Ginny

That did it. I went downstairs and asked my parents if I could go over there for the rest of the summer. I said something like this: "Mum, remember how I told you that Harry isn't doing too well? Well, I'm really worried about him and the letters from Ron and Ginny just aren't enough for me. I need to see him. Maybe if I make him understand that his godfather's death wasn't his fault, then he can start to feel better. He's been forgetting to feed Hedwig, and won't let anyone in to do it for him. I know because she comes every morning for me to feed her. And before you ask, yes that's big because he's always fed her before lunch everyday for the past four and a half years he's had her, save recently, and now he barely eats a full meal the entire day himself. I'll agree to any condition you or Professor Dumbledore say just so long as I get to where he is for the rest of the summer. I haven't asked Professor Dumbledore yet because he usually gets some sort of transportation set up before he responds and I wanted your okay first. Please?"

"What makes you think you can help where his other friends can't?" my dad asked.

"Because. I understand him better than everyone else, even Ron who tends to have the emotional range of a teaspoon. Ginny's not much better. Those are the only other people who saw what happened and aren't wallowing in guilt and grief. So that leaves me to help him. Besides I've always been the only one who can calm him down when he gets in a mood."

"Moods? I'm not sure it's safe for you to be around him, honey." my dad said in a worried voice.

"It's not destructive moods. Besides, he's watched his parents die at a year old, had to live with people who raised him as if he either wasn't there or a slave, save the world five times from a Hitler-like arse, been ridiculed more than any of the celebrities you see on the telly put together, watched a classmate die by the hands of the same Hitler-like arse's goons and just two months ago watched his godfather die too by the same people. So I'd say that he deserves to have moods like he does, don't you?" I respond exasperatedly.

"Yes he does. We're sorry. We didn't know that some of that happened. Why didn't you tell us?" my mum asked.

"Because would you have let me go back to Hogwarts if you knew about everything I got mixed up in? I couldn't risk that. I would miss Harry and everyone too much. Besides, it's the only place where I actually fit in to an extent. Please just let it go at this. I'll tell you everything right from the beginning one day. Just not now. So can I go help Harry? Please. I don't ask for much and the last thing was to end our holidays early last year so I could study for OWLS."

"Just as long as we get to meet Harry...and Ron and Ginny by the end of the summer. I would suggest before you go, but according to what you say, Harry's not up to talking to anyone just yet." my mum said, with understanding in her eyes for some reason. I never got why.

My dad looked at her as if she was nuts, but she shut him up with one of her looks that said 'Don't even try to contradict me.'

"Thank you so much. I'll have to wait for Hedwig to get back, but as soon as she does, I'll write to Professor Dumbledore for permission. Let me go pack right now so I'll be ready whenever he says." and I rushed upstairs. I packed and had the letter to Dumbledore written before lunch, which was good because Hedwig came with a letter just as I was going to eat. It was from Dumbledore asking me to come that night before dinner.

"Mum! Dad! Professor Dumbledore just wrote and asked if I could go help Harry! He's going to send someone at half past four!" I ran downstairs exclaiming.

"Okay, okay, Hermione. I think the entire neighborhood heard you. It's about noon now so why don't we eat and you can tell us everything you've been leaving out like this 'Hitler-like arse' as you called him."

"Okay Mum. But only the parts that I know Harry would be okay with because it mostly starts with him, although I'd be affected even if I wasn't friends with him."

And we sat down and I told them everything but how I felt about the whole thing at the Department of Mysteries.

Around four-fifteen, my trunk and things were downstairs waiting on whomever would show up to Portkey us to Grimmuald Place. Less than a minute later, Tonks appeared, holding a broom. "I don't have to fly there do I?" I asked, remembering what Harry'd told me about his experience the previous summer.

"No, Hermione. This was just the Portkey for this trip. Okay, any last minute requests?" she responded, sending the trunk on ahead.

"Yeah, Mum and Dad want to meet everyone when/if we go to Diagon Alley. Is that possible?"

"Sure. We're going in about a month, so you can owl them then with specifics. Okay?" she responded, looking at my parents for confirmation to which they nodded. "Okay then, let's go. I'm sure Ginny and Ron would love to see you. Harry too, except he's not really seeing much of anyone at the moment. Ready?" I nodded and touched the broom. Less than a second later, we landed in the foreur of Grimmuald Place. I asked Tonks "Is Harry in the same room as Ron?"

"No because Molly figured he needed time to himself. Besides, he tends to push whoever opens the door out less than a second later, so Ron wouldn't have had a change of clothes for the past month now. I doubt Molly'd like that very much. Harry's in the old room and we moved Ron to a different one." I ran upstairs to Harry's room as soon as she finished the sentence.

"Harry? Can I open the door? It's me, Hermione." I said wearily. To no response I said, "I'll take the silence as an agreement, so if you're indecent, cover up; because I'm coming in." Opening the door I was welcomed to the sight of Harry, and Hedwig (I'd sent her back when I got Dumbledore's letter) in an unusually clean room. It looked as if he never ate, never slept and never moved in here before I got there (which all three were probably true to some extent.). "Harry? Can you hear me?" I said, walking over to him to sit on the bed next to him.

He looked up with such a lost look in his eyes, that I wanted to hug him so tight that it was squeezed out of him. "'Mione? Is it really you?" he asked in a scared voice.

"Of course it's really me, Harry. Who else would it be? Ron in my clothes? I highly doubt he'd fit and look anything like me unless his hair grew long, brunette and bushy; which it isn't last I checked. I can make sure with Molly that he hasn't tried that lately though if you'd like me to." I said slightly smiling.

What happened next surprised me.

He leaned forward and pulled me into a hug so tight that I was having trouble breathing. I just rubbed his back and whispered comforting words to him as he started to cry for I think the first time since everything happened.

By the time he'd finished, there was two plates sitting on Ron's old bed, and he was fast asleep on my shoulder. I gently laid him down, got up and moved both plates closer for us to eat. One thing I noticed when I got up, he wasn't as calm in his sleep as if he thought I wasn't coming back. I ate and held his hand to assure him that I was still there, then I watched him sleep. I guess I fell asleep next to him because next thing I remember was Harry sitting up and eating. "How are you feeling?" I asked him, not sure of his mood after last night.

"Better. Thanks. Most people would've just left after that, but then too, you've always did more than most people." he responded, trying to be light about it all. He wasn't succeeding.

"I'll take that as a compliment; I think." I answered, joking. "So are you ready to go downstairs? Everyone's pretty worried about you." I added, getting serious now.

"Maybe for lunch. Not just yet. Stay?" he said, unsure.

"Why not. I didn't have anything else planned. I actually thought you'd push me out like everyone else, so I left most of this week for me to at least get in here. I didn't think you'd let me stay in the room after I opened the door, but then too, you've always been unpredictable."

"Well, by the time you got here, I didn't really have much strength to push anyone out, and I know you don't usually take no for an answer on anything you don't have to." he responded, looking down.

"It's going to be okay, Harry. You know that right?" I said, putting my face right below his to make sure he understood.

"Yeah. I just miss him. That's all."

"I know. I do too. It's different for everyone because everyone's memories of him are a little different. Such as rescuing him from the dementors in Third Year. Ron or anyone else but Dumbledore won't know that he was really saved by you, me and a convicted hippogriff. I still don't know what Dumbledore told everyone. The ONE thing I don't know. But you remember what he said that night in the courtyard? (Sirius, not Dumbledore.) Your loved ones may die, but they never really leave you. They're always right here." and I put my hand over his heart, just like Sirius did that night to reiterate that Sirius is still here even though he isn't alive. "Besides, you wouldn't have to deal with everything if only I'd just tried to stop you harder. I should have known better." I added, tears streaming down my cheeks.

"What are you talking about, Hermione? I was the one who was too ready to believe Voldemort's tricks. If I'd waited like you'd said, then he'd still be here. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Do you understand me?" He said, wiping the tears away from my cheeks. I was slightly relieved that he didn't blame me, even though, I wasn't too comfortable with the feelings I felt developing just from looking him in those emerald green eyes of his. I'd known since Fifth Year; at least, that Ron fancied me and Ginny fancied Harry. One teeny tiny problem. I'm not sure about Harry, but I most certainly do not fancy Ron in any other fashion other than a friend and I don't know what gave him the idea that I do. I hadn't really seen Harry give Ginny any signals that he fancied her in a romantic sense either, but maybe he was waiting to ask me like always before doing so. If he did, I honestly don't know how I'd deal with it, what with these new feelings popping up where they really shouldn't be.

"Harry, it wasn't anymore your fault than it was a bloody nargle's. Do you understand me? Yes you walked into it, but only believing it was the right thing to do. I did the exact same thing. You even took time that could have been really quite precious to check here to see if Sirius really was captured. Yes, you did believe Kreacher, but it wasn't your fault. Malfoy ordered him to lie to us, and being apart of the family, he did. You didn't drive him to and neither did Sirius. Sirius' mother and family did. Okay?"

"I think so. I'll still think it's my fault for awhile, but slowly, I feel like it isn't my fault after all. Thanks."

The rest of the time before lunch was spent remembering our favorite memories of Sirius. Then we went downstairs, Harry behind me as if to protect him from the sympathy and pity that'd be sent his way. "Hey Harry. How are you?" Ginny said trying to be casual, but I noticed she stood up when she said it. Before, she'd stay sitting down, so I knew my thoughts about her crush on Harry had never really ended. Just faded while she 'noticed' the other boys at Hogwarts.

"Yeah, we ain't seen much of you lately mate. You okay?" Ron asked, sitting at the kitchen table. Like I said before, he tends to have the emotional range of a teaspoon.

We sat down across from him and Ginny, and I held his hand under the table (so as to not get Ginny in a uproar) to let him know that I was still there and he wasn't alone in this. "Yeah. I just need someone who felt like I did to help me. That's all. How are you?" he replied in a strangely calm voice, when he was really gripping my hand to the point of me possibly having to see Madame Pomfrey for lack of circulation in the fingers. Then all of a sudden, I feel Ginny's bare foot brush by me on the way to Harry's leg. Then I looked at him and noticed no indication that he even felt it, besides him tightening the grip on my hand. I realized that he didn't like Ginny in the way she believed and was waiting for her to get over her crush on him without his help so he wouldn't hurt her feelings. For some reason, I was really happy about that, I'll have to think about that later.

"So Ginny, have you been talking to Dean this summer?" I asked, to specifically remind her about the 'other' guy.

"Yeah. We don't have as much in common as I thought. He suggested to be friends instead and I totally agree." I, and I think Harry noticed the meaning behind that. Ginerva Weasley was single and looking. Merlin help us all. Because I'd finished eating, I kept my other hand underneath the table to help calm the grip Harry had. 'Boy, Ron wasn't kidding when he said Harry's strong!' I thought.

"So Hermione, still writing to Krum?" Ron asked, with a little more than the hatred for Snape in his voice. This confirmed it. Ron fancied me. Sad thing was my feelings for him haven't changed in the past six hours. Only he doesn't know or is just in denial that they aren't for him in the sense he wants. What did I ever do to deserve this? Feelings that aren't exactly good timing for one friend, and the other friend has those exact same feelings for ME! Why? That's all I ask, is why me and why now? Plus it doesn't help to know that Harry probably only sees me like he does Ginny. A sister, only a tad less overzealous. I'm cursed I tell ya. I'm cursed.

The rest of the afternoon was spent playing Exploding Snap and Wizard's Chess. About an hour before dinner, Harry asked me to help him find a book in his room. I knew he wanted to talk away from Ron and Ginny without their suspicion. Good idea too. It'd be rather messy to clean up the bits Ron'd leave if he got Harry in a duel. Same if Ginny tried to get me in one too. Everyone knows that the only people who can actually match us, besides Death Eaters, Voldemort and Dumbledore; is each other. Everyone else just ends up, well let's just say it wouldn't be pretty and it'd take too long to get the blood out of my robes.

Once in his room, he asked me a surprising question, but I really should have expected it given today's lunch. "Does Ginny still fancy me? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"Yeah she does. I think all the other guys, poor Neville included, were just tools to get you jealous. You aren't jealous enough to go on a cursing spree are you?" I asked, half joking, half not because I really don't feel like getting in trouble for using magic to stop him.

"Merlin's beard no! What gave you the idea?" He asked surprised.

"Well there's somethings you can hide pretty well. I was just making sure, and it also was a small joke. Yeah I know I've got no sense of humor, right?"

"Who told you that? I think the only thing that got me through Fourth Year was your jokes...as bad as they are." he replied, laughing.

"Go ahead, laugh at my expense. I see what kind of friend you are." It actually hurt to say 'friend' instead of...Whoa, hold that thought was I actually going to say what I think I was? That's NOT possible. It also didn't help that Harry sort of looked sad about being just a friend too. That's even more impossible. Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Lived might fancy Hermione Granger, Know-It-All? No fricken way! There is nothing on Earth that could even make that remotely possible.........unless he already does. Should I hope so? Wait, I really need to get out more. Okay, I'm going to leave all this pondering until later tonight when I'm in my room, by myself so I can sort this whole mess out. To change the subject I ask "Does Ron still fancy me? Please say he's suffering some sort of spell and isn't himself today!"

"Yeah he does, and sadly no, he's himself today. Only a little more...forward than I'd seen before. Maybe it was the fact that you came yesterday and didn't see him until today. I don't know and don't even claim to try to understand the way Ron's mind works sometimes, you know?" he said.

"Yeah. Great now we've got not one, but two redheaded, hot tempered Weasleys to deal with without losing either friendship. You know the worst? I can't straight out tell Ginny you don't fancy her and you can't tell Ron I don't fancy him because they'll accuse us of being jealous of what they think they 'have' with us. Which if you think about it is really just a friendship and maybe a family-like feeling--if they're lucky to not challenge us in a duel. I really don't want to explain to Molly why her youngest two are now a pair of toads. Something tells me she wouldn't understand."

"True. Well I guess we'll just have to sit them down after dinner and tell them. Do you want to do it together or separate? Neither will be too safe, but together can at least guarantee a chance of survival for us." he said, worried.

"Together. Definitely together. Although be prepared for them accusing us of having a 'thing for each other' this way." This hurt even more because now that my sub-conscious had the chance to think about it, I did fancy him the way I'd been hoping I hadn't. I also noticed that it may have hurt him more than me. Why I didn't understand.

Dinner was a little tense to say the least. Both Ginny and Ron might be slightly slow on the uptake sometimes, but even they knew that a small bomb would be dropped on their little worlds afterwards. Once all the adults left the room, Ron said "Okay you two, what's up?" he said tersely.

"Ron, do you fancy me? Tell me the truth?" I asked straight out. Harry was holding my hand under the table for comfort. Whether it was his or mine I didn't know. I suspect both.

After a minute, Ron answered a quiet "Yes."

"Ginny, do you fancy me? Truth would be nice right now." Harry said just as quiet as Ron.

"Yes." was the only reply from her. Harry was squeezing my hand tightly again.

"We don't like either of you that way. Can we still be friends?" Both me and Harry replied at the same time.

"WHAT!?! I thought you did like me that way?!? What about all the arguments..." Ron exclaimed.

"Ron, maybe you thought those arguments were from some sort of romantic tension, but I didn't. I only think of you as a brother. Okay?"

"No it's not okay! He always gets everything doesn't he? The money, the fame, the Tri-Wizard Cup, and now the bloody girl!"

"Ron that's not fair to Harry. You and I both know that. Yes Harry has all those things, but at what price? The money and fame came from his parents' death and him being the Boy-Who-Lived. Would you have liked to have been in his place last year? The Tri-Wizard Cup was because Cedric died Ron. He died just because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Is it fair that he had to live with that guilt all of last year and then add on Sirius' death. As for me, I am not a piece of meat or property that can be gotten! Do you understand me?" I wasn't surprised that all I got was him storming out without an answer. It happened just like this before the First Task in the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

"Why Harry? I thought you liked me because you were the only person besides Hermione who was nice to me and out of my year. You acted like I was someone special. I don't get it..."

"Ginny, I was nice to you because you're Ron's sister and also I'm generally nice to everyone except Snape, Umbridge, the Dursleys, Voldemort, Death Eaters, Marietta Edgecombe, and most Slytherins. As for treating you like you're special, all my friends are because before I got to Hogwarts, anyone caught being nice to me was beat up by Dudley and his gang, so I learned to be grateful for what I have and treat it special, you know?"

"So you're just not interested in girls right now? That's not what Michael Corner told me before he left me to comfort Cho. And if I remember correctly she was the reason you two broke up." she said pointing at me. This trick of hers surprised me. I guess it did Harry, too because he was gripping my hand tighter again.

"First off, me and Cho only went on one 'date', if you can call it that. She only wanted to talk about Cedric. I don't count that as a relationship. Yes, she kissed me, but she was crying about Cedric. I only asked her to come with me to meet Hermione to do the article for the Quibbler with Rita Skeeter. By the way, Hermione has a name, so I suggest you start using it instead of pointing at her like some sort of cavewitch." He said coldly. Ginny's response was just like Ron's, she stomped out without an answer.

I slumped in my seat and the tears started running down my cheeks. Harry just pulled me too him and hugged me as tight as he could again. I buried my head into his chest and just cried my heart out because I was scared of what Ginny and Ron might do now. It was his turn to comfort me and calm me down. "Let's go up to my room before someone comes down to see what's up. It's going to be okay, 'Mione. Shhh..." he told me as he led me upstairs.

After I stopped crying, I asked Harry "Harry? What was Ginny talking about me being the reason you and Cho didn't work out?"

He hesitated for a few minutes, "You weren't the only reason it didn't work out, 'Mione. Like I told Ginny, the small factor that Cho couldn't stop crying about Cedric kinda' annoyed me. Also, there's Marietta Edgecomb, which by the way, you did a lovely number on her. I just couldn't stand someone who defended a traitor to Umbridge of all people. As for what Cho said about you, she basically accused me of thinking all the ideas you come up with are the best in the world just because you came up with them. What was it she called you? Oh right, "darling Hermione" which I really do think you can be a darling... when not on your bad side, that's all. So if you think about it, Cho really complimented you. But I told her off because no one insults my 'Mione. Okay?" His comment about being his 'Mione didn't bother me as much as Ron's about Harry getting the girl because I knew Harry meant it in a protective way; despite the way I wished he mint it. Besides, the context of the situation was also taken into thought. Harry Potter defended me against Cho Chang! That definitely beats out Ron arguing with me as to why I don't fancy him.

"I think so. Thanks, Harry. For everything. If you weren't here and I had to deal with both Ron and Ginny like this; they'd be toads, I'd be expelled from Hogwarts and in a whole lot of trouble with my parents." I replied sleepily.

Harry said something then, but I'd drifted off to sleep resting comfortably on his chest.

Something woke me up in the middle of the night. It was Harry tossing and turning, having a nightmare. I sat up and calmed him down by holding his hand and brushing his bangs out of his eyes. Finally, he was calm, but waking up. "'Mione? What happened? Are you okay?" He asked worried again.

"Yes Harry, I'm fine. Why? What happened in your nightmare?" I replied.

"Voldemort kidnapped you and was torturing you with the Cruciatus Curse, then he killed you with the Killing Curse. I couldn't do anything to help you either. He made me watch and everything."

"It's okay Harry. I'm right here and still very much alive. Okay?" I replied, hugging him.

"Thanks, 'Mione." he whispered in my ear making shivers ran up and down my spine. "Want to know why he didn't include Ron; besides Ron being an arse at the moment." At my nod, he replied, "This." then he kissed me. Out of the blue! Granted it was just a brush with his lips, but still! I became bold and pressed my lips to his in return. When the need for oxygen became too great, I pulled away. "Guess this means you feel the same way." he said.

I nodded and we talked about what to tell Ron and Ginny, because they were right. The reason I didn't fancy Ron was because I really fancied Harry; and the reason Harry took all of Cho's insults to heart was because he really fancied me.

The next morning was even tenser than the night before, if possible. Neither Ginny nor Ron talked to us. To be honest, I actually expected this, but not to this degree. Usually whenever one of them is mad at someone, they'll be overly polite. Not pretend that person doesn't even exist. "Ron, Ginny I have some plays for Quidditch if you want to hear them." Harry said, with hinting in his voice that said they'd best listen to what he had to say.

Once in the study, Ron said with sarcasm in his voice, "What? Are you two going to announce your relationship to the bloody world?"

"Actually, yeah, we are. You see, I didn't have the courage to do anything about my feelings until last night. No not because anything you did yesterday. Because I had another nightmare. Not the me-seeing-what-he-sees kind; but the kind that shows my worst fears. You know what happened? Voldemort kidnapped her; tortured her; then killed her all while forcing me to watch. You are both really quite lucky. You haven't seen the things I have. Neither has Hermione, but at least she has the courtesy to not begrudge me for it. She, unlike you Ginny, will sit there and listen to the entire story and won't move or let me move unless she knows that I absolutely have to, or when she hears the end also. Not jump up in the middle and start threatening various people just because they were mentioned in passing in the story. Ron, you do the same thing only quite a bit quicker. How many of Ginny's 'boytoys' (and yes I know why you went out with them all. I'm not that daft.) have you threatened just because she's mentioned them in a sentence that she has also mentioned herself?"

"All of them. What do you mean 'boytoys'?" he said quietly.

"Ask Ginny." I spoke up for the first time since this conversation started.

"Well? Plan on telling me?"

"I wanted to get Harry jealous, so I thought he'd notice me if I wasn't available. Something I read somewhere."

"So Neville was just a boytoy? He's one of my friends Ginny. He's also quite nice, although I don't really see how you noticed because you were too busy 'making Harry jealous'. Guess what, you failed miserably. Not only did you not get Harry to notice you, but you broke half the school's male population's hearts."

Harry and I just left them, walking to the room we'd been sharing the past two days, hand in hand; knowing that now they knew about us and that was all that mattered.

Fin