When I'm Gone

chrisfaithalin

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 26/07/2005
Last Updated: 26/07/2005
Status: completed

After Ron's death, Harry promised Hermione that he would always be there for her. He might have to break that promise as he battles a deadly disease within himself. Songfic, based off the song 'When I'm Gone' by Three Doors Down

Chapters

1. untitled

1. untitled

When I'm Gone

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide

"Harry! You told me that you would always be there for me after Ron died!"

"Hermione, I will be!"

"No you won't. You are going back on your word. You are the scum of the earth!" Hermione spat nastily at Harry who was now begging on his knees.

"But, I love you."

"That doesn't make what you did right."

"Hermione, I am begging you."

"How can I forgive you for this," she pointed at a knife that was driven through her heart. Blood was slowly soaking her shirt through. It moved slowly from the wound creating a dark circle around the knife handle.

Harry was at a loss for words to what he did.

"That's what I thought. You don't deserve to live. Avada Kedavra!" Hermione yelled with all of her strength as she pointed her wand at Harry's heart.

"Ahhh!!!" With a start Harry woke up, groping his body for signs of harm and found no problems. Paranoid, he got up and went to Hermione's room and peeked in at her.

There on the bed was Hermione sleeping peacefully. Her breath was shallow and calm. Harry was transfixed to the spot from the sight of his sleeping beauty. Some nights he would come and stand in her doorway and just stare at her. His mind would take in and memorize every feature of her that he could. From the way her brown, curly hair would frame her pale face which made her rosy lips stand out even more. Her arm rested at the side of her petite frame. Harry wished that he could freeze time and stay like this forever. He never wanted to waste his time sleeping. He just wanted to gaze at the only important piece to his life and he would do everything he could to never harm her. But now…it was too late.

Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away
Maybe I'm just blind

Hermione inhaled deeply and rolled over slowly in her bed. Immediately she tensed as she sensed a second person in her bedroom. Relaxing slowly, she didn't want the person to know she knew they were there. She glanced around her and saw her wand on the bedside table. Looking forward in the window she looked for a shadow that would tell her where the person was located in her room. Instead of seeing an ominous tall dark figure, she saw the outline of her best friend standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed across his chest. His short hair was sticking up at all ends and his glasses were slightly askew. His lean frame didn't even make it to 6 feet.

Her instincts were telling her to turn around and ask Harry what the hell he was doing, but something else spoke in her mind telling her to not do anything. What she was expecting, she had no idea. She waited for a few minutes watching Harry in the window, making sure to keep her breathing slow and shallow.

After a few minutes of this, Harry took in a deep breath and muttered softly "I'm sorry," and then he exited the room.

Hermione was laying in her bed, stunned. Contemplating Harry's strange behavior, she tried to fall back to sleep, however her mind had other ideas and wouldn't shut off. It just kept going, trying to make sense of what had happened.

*****************

Stretching her arms and yawning, Hermione entered the kitchen where Harry could be caught attempting to cook breakfast. Hermione gave Harry a puzzled look before speaking, "Is that you trying to cook?"

Harry smiled, not looking up at from the eggs he was trying to scramble. "The key words are trying and cooking. No cereal for you this morning."

Hermione sniffed slightly at the burning toast coming from the toaster. "Smells like I would have been better off with the cereal."

"I am trying to cook here and you are not being appreciative of my efforts. It's the thought that counts," Harry told her, trying to look shocked at her comment.

"Unless I die from eating whatever you are cooking." Hermione walked over to the breakfast table in the kitchen. Sunlight was shining through the window onto the table. Hermione sat in silence for a few minutes before asking casually, "So, did you sleep well?"

Harry glanced at Hermione quickly and went back to the food he was preparing. "It was alright. You?"

"Oh it was ok I guess. Just had some odd dreams that woke me up in the middle of the night."

"Hmm, what kind of dreams?" Harry questioned curiously, trying to hide the panic that was rising in him.

"It's a little fuzzy as I try to think about it more. There was something about this lone figure stalking me." Hermione kept her eyes on Harry to watch his reactions.

Harry sighed heavily, "You saw me last night."

Hermione played innocent. "Well, I did see you lots of times last night. Can you be more specific?"

Harry rolled his eyes. Of course she would want a straight answer as to why he had been watching her last night. "You saw me when I was watching you last night while you were sleeping or were supposed to be sleeping."

"Oh, yes that would be it. Would you mind explaining what you were doing?"

"What would you say if I told you that I did mind telling you?"

"Well, I would just end up locking you in a room until you were ready to come out and tell me."

Harry didn't doubt that. He dished up two plates and placed them on the table. He sat down across from Hermione and sat in thought for a few minutes while pushing around his food, not picking up any to eat.

Deciding on the truth, he spoke, "I had a bad nightmare and I just had to make sure you were ok. It's not a big deal."

Hermione looked into Harry's eyes, searching to see if it was the truth. It was the truth, just not the whole truth. She still had not forgotten the apology that he had mumbled. But, in the end she decided to let it drop. She nodded her head in response and took her first bite of the food. "This is good,” she announced, a look of surprise on her face.

Harry laughed in relief and amusement. "You are just saying that to make me feel good. Don't lie."

"No really, apart from the burnt toast, it's quite good." She demonstrated this by eating more.

They laughed together and talked in their little nook of their house.

****************

"Come on, hurry up Harry," Hermione called behind her as she shoved her way through a large group of bystanders gazing into a window of a shop.

Harry jogged up quickly next to Hermione, rubbing his gloved hands together. "Calm down, please, just take some deep breaths."

Hermione glared at Harry from the corner of her eye. "Harry there is only 11 days until Christmas and I need to get a lot of gifts. As do you." The two were walking quickly through the bustling streets of Diagon Alley. All the buildings were covered in snow as it was still falling at the moment. People were all bundled in their warmest cloaks, doing the same thing that Hermione had her mind on.

"Do we have to go so fast? And can we take a break? I am tired," Harry's voice came out raggedly as he tried to breathe.

"Harry we have only been shopping for 45 minutes. We must get this done tonight," Hermione spoke with determination and conviction.

"But, Hermione it wouldn't hurt for a 5 minute break in The Leaky Cauldron to get some hot chocolate," Harry desperately pleaded with Hermione.

"That puts us behind, and we could be buying gifts during that time."

"You do know that Christmas isn't just about presents?" Harry questioned.

"I know, I know," Hermione sighed, exasperated. "It's about the birth of our savior Jesus Christ. It's about being with the people you love and cherishing all of the good things in your life. But, that doesn't mean we don't have to buy presents for a lot of people."

Harry just shook his head and mumbled quietly, "I was just making sure."

They continued for a few more minutes, Hermione saying she wanted to go get this special charm for Mrs. Weasley. Harry asked one more time in a weak voice, "Hermione, please can we take a short break."

"Harry, if you want to go sit down so badly then go do it yourself. I need to get this all done."

However, Harry did not hear this last bit. He had fainted and collapsed on the cobblestone walkway.

Hermione felt panic grip at her heart. She screamed for help and got on her knees by Harry. She grabbed his hand and started calling his name for him to wake up, not noticing all the people huddling around them and the few that ran off to get help. All she could do was stare at Harry's face. For the first time she saw how incredibly pale he was and how hollow his cheeks were. There were dark circles around his eyes and just from looking at him now she could tell that he did not fill out his clothes like he normally did.

Harry's eyes slowly cracked open and when he saw Hermione's panic stricken face he tried to put a smile on his, but was too weak. All he could do was mumble hoarsely, "Sorry to worry you, just felt a little tired."

Hermione couldn't reply to him though. Medic wizards popped all around them and started to inspect Harry. They insisted that Hermione back away from Harry. She wanted to put a fight over this, but then she realized that they were doing this for his own good and that they were trying to help him. She watched numbly from a safe distance as they asked Harry all sorts of questions which she could not hear the answer to.

After what seemed like ages, they stood up and a couple of the medic wizards apparated Harry to a hospital. A blonde women stayed behind to talk to Hermione.

Immediately she blurted out the first thing that came to her mind, "Is he going to be ok?"

The medic wizard looked at Hermione, her eyes full of pity. "That is yet to be seen. They are going to run a few tests on him at the hospital. You should go there yourself to be with him. He will need you."

"So, do you know what is wrong?"

"We do, but Harry is going to tell you, he told us to not say anything. Go be with him." The women didn't need to urge Hermione one second longer. She was off in a sprint towards the Hospital.

She had no idea what was wrong and it was worrying her. The talk with the medic wizard was supposed to be more comforting. She was supposed to say that Harry was going to be fine and that they would just have to hold on to him for a day or two. They were supposed to tell her what's wrong, not say that Harry didn't want her to know right away and he would tell her. That could not be a good sign.

When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends

Hermione felt a sense of foreboding as she walked down the hospital hallways, nearing Harry's room number. She kept watch on the little plastic number plates by each door. Finally, she reached his door. She stood outside for a few minutes taking a few deep breaths in attempt to slow her racing heart. It was futile.

Taking one last deep breath, she turned the door knob and peeked inside the room. Harry was laying on the bed, looking even smaller in thin hospital robes. Hooked up to him were a lot IV's that plugged into machines along with a few magical talismans. At the sight of Harry, she couldn't hold back the sob that had been creeping up for so long. She let the first tears fall. This wasn't how she wanted to see her Harry.

Harry was awake and looking exhausted. Hermione felt like kicking herself for not noticing before how sickly Harry looked. Now, it was blatantly obvious, although he was trying to mask it by smiling at her.

Hermione ran over to Harry's bedside and enveloped his smaller frame in her arms. She hugged tightly and he hugged her in return.

They stayed like this for some time, neither wanting to move. Finally though, they had to pull apart. Hermione quickly asked the million dollar question, "Are you ok?"

Harry could just stare in her eyes, the eyes he had come to memorize from the exact shade of her chocolate, brown eyes, to the tiny golden flecks that shone when she was excited. Her eyes now shone with worry over her friend. They desperately searched his own for an answer to her question. He had to tell her, once and for all.

"Come and sit down," Harry ordered her as he patted the bed next to where he was now sitting up. She complied willingly and sat down cross-legged in front of him, waiting patiently for an explanation.

Harry's mind was racing a mile a minute trying to think of the best way to explain what he had to tell her. He kept thinking that there must be some easy way to break the news to her. Some way that would make it easier for her to understand. After sitting in thought for a few minutes, he realized that there was no easy way to explain things to her and she just needed to just come out and say it.

"Hermione what I am about to tell you may be hard to believe, but what I'm about to tell you is true and I am not lying in any way."

Hermione's stomach was now doing complete somersaults. She couldn't take not knowing anymore and she had to find out. "Harry, please just tell me. You are worrying me."

Harry just looked at Hermione sadly. "Hermione, I have cancer, leukemia to be specific. By the time the doctors found out, it was too late. The cancer was too deeply rooted in my bones that no magical or Muggle treatment could ever heal it."

Hermione's breathing stop. The whole world stood still as Harry talked this nonsense about him being sick and nobody can heal him. Magic can fix everything. "That's silly, there must be some magical cure. The doctor just aren't researching hard enough. I can find one. I promise I can"

Harry continued in a calm soothing voice, "No there are no cures. They have looked through everything and tested every treatment on me. The cancer is too strong."

"You're wrong, you're wrong. I can find something. What do they know? You are going to be fine. I will make sure of it." Hermione was shaking her head back and forth, her eyes searching through space as if she was searching her mind for a solution, some charm she had learned in class, some potion she had heard made. But nothing came to mind.

Harry shook his head too at her suggestions. He grasped Hermione's arms and shook her. "You aren't listening to me. Nothing is going to work. I'm going to die. I am not going to survive this. There is no hope for me," His voice was harsh and ragged, trying to get into her brain the importance of what she was saying.

Tears poured silently from Hermione's eyes as she got up. She looked around her, stumbling to stay up straight. "No, no, no, no. You can't. You promised me you would stay. You said you would never leave me. I can't lose you too. I can't be the only survivor. I can't and won't. No." That's when finally she dissolved in harsh broken sobs. She collapsed on her knees with her arms around her head, shaking her head from side to side while mumbling no over and over again.

Harry's heart felt torn at her stinging words of accusation that were true. That's what hurt the most, was that she was right. He pushed himself weakly off the bed and stumbled over to her to comfort her, to hold her, to do anything he could to stop the pain she was feeling. Immediately when he touched her, she recoiled away from his touch and got up. Harry stared at her, hurt from her reaction. Hermione looked around the room, still sobbing and ran out of there as quickly as she could.

She didn't know where she was going, she just knew that she had to get out of that room. Pushing her way out the door past a nurse, and then she started running blindly down the hallways not knowing where she was going. Tears blinded her as she turned down another corner, then another corner, down the stairs. Anywhere. She ran out of the building gasping for air as if she had been suffocated in the building. Her cries had not subsided, only just became less violent. She apparated out of there, back to their house. She couldn't think clearly whatsoever.

All she could do was walk mindlessly through the house until she dissolved into heavy sobs once again in the front room where she collapsed on the ground. All around her were pictures of her and Harry. Them on a carousel laughing as they went around and around. Another of them at one of the Weasley's Christmas party. Another of them at Ginny's wedding where she stood with the bouquet she had caught in hands and Harry teasing about her being married next. All of them together. It was too much for Hermione. She couldn't look at all of these pictures. There would be no more pictures. There would be no more funny memories of them playing in the snow. There would be no more dinner or watching movies or arguing. Nothing. It will all just end, cease to exist. Her reason to live would be gone.

Then it dawned on her like lightning. It flashed across her mind in a brief instant. All her thoughts were around her. How this affected 'her'. How her best friend dying would affect 'her'. How 'she' felt. How completely selfish, Hermione was disgusted with herself. The moment her friend needed her the most she went running. It was the time when she should be standing by him, giving him unconditional love and support. What did she do instead? Ran out on him crying uncontrollably.

Hermione felt absolutely horrible and she knew that she needed to rectify the situation. She quickly composed herself the best she could and instantly apparated back to the hospital. She quickly ran through the hospital hallways, towards the room she dreaded to go into. Could it really only have been a few hours ago that she and Harry had been running through the streets of Diagon Alley, her innocent and ignorant to the problems that troubled Harry. Now it was blatantly clear. It all came back to her all the times she has seen him only play with his food and how he never slept well. Not to mention how sickly he looked now.

Finally arriving at the dreaded room number, Hermione opened the door quietly and walked in silently without a sound. In the room was Harry lying on his side, his face in his arms and his body was shaking from crying so hard. Over and over through the sobs he kept choking out an apology. It struck Hermione how unselfish this small act was. He was not wallowing in self pity or anything like it. All he could think about was how he was hurting Hermione. His position just showed how vulnerable he was and how felt so helpless in all of this. He couldn't help fix it and he was only hurting the people around him.

Hermione instantly felt regret in the way she reacted to the news he had given her and then seeing him in this position, she couldn't stop herself. She ran around to Harry and laid down next to him and enveloped him in his arms. She started crying into his shoulder, this time she was apologizing over and over again.

"Harry, I'm so sorry. I was being so selfish. All I was doing was thinking about myself. I wasn't even thinking about how this affected you," Hermione kept crying.

Harry turned over so he was facing her. He reached over and stroked her cheek. "Don't be sorry for one minute. You were right. I won't be around for you like I promised. Now that I looked back it was a silly promise to make. How could I promise to always be here? But, I would have done anything to help ease the pain after Ron's death. I couldn't help myself. You were so heartbroken, and I needed to fix that."

Hermione nodded while saying, "I don't blame you and it's not your fault, just a tragedy that should never happen. Don't be sorry either. I don't want you to live the rest of your life in guilt. Never," Hermione's heart gave a leap as she said those words. The rest of your life. Who knows how long that could be. It wouldn't be long from the way Harry was talking, yet she was afraid to ask. She didn't want to know, because as long as she didn't know, she could pretend that everything is ok. Ignorance is bliss.

Hermione just wanted to be with Harry, that was all so she curled up closer and took one hand and started stroking his hair while the other traced his jaw line trying to wipe the tears away while Harry was still stroking her tear stained cheek. No more words were said as they stared into the others eyes.

Neither knew who made the first move, and it doesn't really matter after one thinks about it, but all of a sudden the two of them were kissing. Both were still crying, but all of a sudden they were kissing frantically, afraid to let the other go. It was desperate and passionate; something that both of them had been holding in for a long time and no longer could be kept back.

It could have been hours or minutes that the two were in such a condition. Neither knew. Time stood still around them as it no longer seemed to hold any importance. The two may have never pulled apart except the fact that they needed to breathe. Pulling away, gasping for air, they leaned their foreheads together, both eyes closed as they were still dazed from the contact.

Harry was the first to break the silence, speaking in a low whisper, "I love you. I love you. I love you so much. I don't know when it started or if I even knew. All I know is I can't think about anything before that kiss and now it is painfully obvious that I love you."

Hermione kept her eyes closed through this confession, even though she could feel his eyes on her face. She honestly didn't know what to say or to feel. On one hand she felt the love flow through her powerfully, unable to hide anymore. She felt this insanely powerful sense of happiness at the thought the man she loved returned her feelings. Not to mention a feeling of contentment at being in Harry's arms. But, then overshadowing all of these feelings was a sense of grief that could not be forgotten.

Opening her eyes, Hermione met Harry's emerald eyes that were now dulled from sadness. She didn't know where to begin with Harry. So she decided on the truth. "I love you too. More than my heart can ever say. But, what does this mean? Where do we go from here? What do you want?"

Harry had no answer for that. "I don't know. I don't know." He shook his head in confusion. All of this was so overwhelming and he didn't know what to say or do. Once again he started to cry at the thought of having to leave Hermione and her love.

Hermione enveloped Harry in her arms and began to cry as well. So, that's where we leave them, crying in each others arms.

Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

Harry now sat alone in his hospital bed. From how exhausted he felt, he should have been able to fall asleep immediately after Hermione had left to go get some real sleep at home. No matter how he tried, he couldn't shut down his brain that was running a mile a minute. All he could think of was that one question that Hermione had asked him. 'What do you want?'

There were a million answers to that, each more unlikely than the next. He would like for Ron to be still alive. He would like to be able to find a cure. He would like to grow old with Hermione. He would like to win the Quidditch World Series. Answers to that question would never end. The problem was trying to find the one answer that could happen. That one thing he wanted before he died.

Harry searched through his memories, trying to find something that would help him. Then he came across one memory that was probably his favorite of Hermione.

It had been Ginny's wedding day. Hermione had looked so beautiful that day. He couldn't remember the details of exactly what she was wearing or how she wore her hair, all he could remember was the feeling of butterflies in his stomach every time he looked at her. Then when the Ginny was about to throw the bouquet, Hermione had ran over to join the rest of the women scrambling to grab a hold of that bouquet. Surprisingly, Hermione had come out triumphant and stood, eyes gleaming at her success, with her bouquet in hand. Harry had been doubled over from laughing so hard at seeing Hermione so competitive for some stupid flowers. Of course he wouldn't say that to her. He had told her, still giggling that she would be the next to be engaged and she had corrected him that she would be the next to be married.

That is when it came to Harry. He knew what he wanted from Hermione. The one and only thing she could giver him. He reached for his bedside table where there lay a pen and some pen and he started to write frantically.

*********************

Hermione walked into the hospital room early the next morning. At the sight of seeing Harry sleeping peacefully, she quietly sat down in a hospital chair and openly gazed at Harry's sleeping form.

This was when Harry looked his best according to Hermione. He looked so innocent and peaceful. This rarely happened in his waking hours. Hermione couldn't bare the thought that she may not have the opportunity to just walk into Harry's room in the middle of the night anymore. It hurt to think that this may not happen anymore. This was the way she wanted to remember Harry. Then it came to her that she should take a picture of him like this so that is the way she can always remember him. She made a mental note to take a picture one of these days of him sleeping.

Harry started to stir in his sleep and he cracked open his eyes and smiled at Hermione. "Morning beautiful."

Hermione couldn't keep the smile off her face. "Suck up."

"Just telling things like I see 'em." Harry winked at her.

This time Hermione giggled and got off her chair to sit on the bed with Harry. "Did you have a good night's sleep?"

Harry's voice changed to a more serious tone. "Once I got to sleep I did. I staid up late trying to think about the questions you asked me."

"And did you come up with anything?" Hermione looked at Harry with anticipation.

"I think I did. I wrote it down for you." Harry bent over to his paper and picked up a very ragged piece of paper that looked as if it had been crumpled up to be thrown a way numerous times but had been flattened again in an afterthought. "Here." He passed the paper to Hermione.

She opened it up and read the following.

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

By the time Hermione finished she had tears streaming down her cheeks. She hugged Harry tightly, breathing in deeply.

"One more thing Hermione," Harry whispered.

"Anything," Hermione replied instantly.

"I want to go home. I want to be with you in every sense of the word."

Hermione pulled back and started to kiss Harry. This time it was slow and real, nothing hurried or frantic. Harry and Hermione spent a happy couple of months together, both trying to ignore the obvious, Harry growing weaker and sicker. They tried to continue life as normally as possible, that included them barely leaving each others side. Then one day Harry could no longer get out of bed. So, they spent their days reading, watching tv or just talking.

They spent a week or two like this when Harry told Hermione to turn off the tv abruptly. Hermione obeyed and sat up on the bed and looked down at Harry. "What's wrong?"

"Hermione, today is the day. I can feel it. What I wouldn't give for some of that elixir of life at the moment." Harry tried to smile at his lame joke.

Hermione ignored this fact. "No, you have to keep fighting."

Harry's face softened with pity and exhaustion. "I have been fighting since the day I found out I had this damned disease. I should have given up weeks ago, but the thought of leaving you has kept me going. I can't fight anymore. My body has given up ages ago. It's time for my soul to do the same."

Hermione kept shaking her head through all of this. She didn't want to hear any of it. She just wanted to keep time still and keep her Harry with her. "You may have given up on yourself, but I haven't. You can't leave me." Hermione finally gave up and started sobbing softly.

"Who said anything about leaving? I will always be with you, here." Harry raised his hand weakly and placed it over her heart. "I will never leave you as long as you remember and love me."

"I will always love you," Hermione spoke with such conviction.

Harry smiled sweetly. "I know. But, you have to remember one thing. You must move on. Continue to live, live the life that Ron and I never got finish. Promise me, you will move on."

Hermione shook her again. "I don't know. I don't know if I can take losing you on top of Ron. It's too much."

Harry's face hardened with anger. "You have to Hermione. You can't just give up. That would too easy for you. You have to continue fighting life back. Please. Promise me that"

Hermione knew that arguing Harry would be futile. "Ok, I promise. I promise you, I will."

Hearing those words made Harry feel all peaceful inside. For once the excruciating pain that was with him 24/7 seemed to fall away from him. He seemed to detach himself from that. All he saw and felt was Hermione. His eyelids felt like lead as he felt so tired. 'Maybe I will close my eyes for just a second.,.' was Harry's last thought. He would never open his eyes.

Once Harry closed his eyes, Hermione immediately knew what happened. Hermione had always thought she would feel this uncontrollable anguish when he died. That she would scream in sorrow. But, that never happened.

She looked around the room that she had shared with him for months. Her eyes returned to looking at Harry, sleeping peacefully. "Yes," Hermione mumbled. "You are just sleeping peacefully, after all. Getting ready for your next big adventure." She couldn't believe that the body that had always been so full of life as a child and an adult was now empty. Devoid of life, never to smile, laugh, or cry again.

******************

Hermione walked in the front door and into the front room where she tossed her keys onto a cluttered shelf with a mirror above it. She looked at her own reflection, not believing what she saw. She was dressed in all black for the funeral service for Harry, and her face had a couple tear stains on it from the few tears that had escaped during Harry's memorial. Not liking how she looked, she tried to put a smile on her face to see how it looked. It only made her face seem more dead and hollow.

Mad at herself she went to the kitchen and got herself a glass of water and sat down on the couch in front of the mirror. She pulled out a picture from her pocket. It was her favorite of Harry. It was a picture of Harry sleeping peacefully. It had been taken the night they had gotten back from the hospital and after they had slept together. His chest was bare and the blanket laid across his waist. His head was lying on his bent arm. On his face was a very peaceful grin. This was how Hermione would always remember Harry.

Lately she would just stare at the photo for hours and hours at a time. She continued to gaze at the picture, but this time she was not happy to look at it. She became angry from looking at it.

The famous question popped out.

"Why?…Why God would you do this to Harry? Why would you do this to Ron? Why would you do this to me? Why?" As she kept talking her voice grew in volume until at the end it was yelling.

"What do you want from me?" This time Hermione was so angry she stood up and threw her glass at the mirror, making the mirror and glass shatter in a million pieces.

A thought ran across her mind and she walked over to the shattered pieces of the mirror and picked up a particularly sharp one, brought it to her wrist and slowly brought it down a couple of inches breaking the skin. The stinging pain came and it felt good. Something Hermione didn't think would happen. The pain in her wrist felt good compared to the pain in her heart and it gave her something to focus on. She stared as the blood dripped from her wrist onto the little shelf that was now littered with pieces of glass.

"Is this what you want, for me to die? Would that make you finally happy?" Of course there was no response. "I will take your silence as a yes."

This time she took the piece of glass to her throat. She felt the resolve to finally end her pain and she pushed on the glass to her skin when something stopped her. She didn't know what was stopping her from doing this last and final act. Her eyes darted around her and then on the shelf she caught sight of a piece of paper. She slowly lowered her arm and went to pick it up. Her eyes quickly scanned the familiar paper.

Hermione dropped the letter and piece of glass and collapsed in heavy sobs on the living room floor, much similar to the first time this happened. Hermione couldn't believe what she had been about to do. She not only was going to take her own life, but break a promise she had made with Harry. She couldn't believe it. And for the first time the realization came to her. Ron was not going to come back. Harry was not going to come back, but she had to live for them. She had to live a life full of happiness and love for the three of them. It wasn't going to be easy, but she had to do what Ron and Harry would have wanted her to do.

To live.

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

A/N finished this after a couple months of working on it. I think this story is my best because it has a lot of me in it. I took a lot of feelings that I have felt and put it into this story. It felt really good to write and now it feels even better to have it finally done. The song was obviously When I'm Gone by 3 doors down. An amazingly good song. So there you go.

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