Loved Beyond Measure

shaz124

Rating: G
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 28/07/2005
Last Updated: 28/07/2005
Status: completed

[One Shot] Hermione receives a letter from Harry a month after he disappears to fulfill his destiny. In it, Harry comes clean with everything he has been holding close since second year.

Chapters

1. Loved Beyond Measure

1. Loved Beyond Measure

A/N: I wrote this about a week after the Mugglenet/TLC interview. I was still in a foul mood at the time, and I decided to work frustrations out through writing. I am glad I did because it was a very cathartic experience. I can now look upon my thoughts of both HBP and the transcript of the interview more logically and without going into a scathing monologue. In spirit, I am going to offer one last comment on the book, JK, and the interviewers. After that, I consider the matter closed and won't dwell on it. You may skip directly to the story if you wish.

The Book: As a paying customer of 2 copies, I was disappointed in the fact that it did not meet or come relatively close to meeting my expectations. I hope that HBP was just an “off” day, but I am more inclined to believe that she was trying to please too many different people that weren't her or fans of the series. Lesson: Be more judicious with my money.

The interviewers: I hold no malice unto them. They are reporters, not experienced ones albeit, who had exclusive access to the woman of the month. They asked the hard questions to which they wanted answers, and they got them. Enough said.

JK in the interview: I think a few things played into her unexpected level of candor in the interview. 1) A sense of relief that the book is now released and that the media circus surrounding her will now die down. 2) Her excitement and anticipation to being interviewed by dedicated fans intimately familiar with and can ask intelligent questions about her works. 3) The end of a very long week for her. All things said, the PR person in-charge of transcribing and emailing the text of the interview to the interviewers might possibly be looking for another job right now for not seeking a higher-level endorsement before sending the text uncut.

Finally, rant complete—on with the story.

8888888

Hermione sat in what would've been Buckbeak's room three years ago. Roughly a month had passed since Voldemort's defeat and the world freed from his terror. Since that time, parties had erupted around the country for several days, followed by their hero's burial. The one person conspicuously missing was Hermione Granger. For a month now, she found solitude and solace in this attic room. She passed the hours staring out the window into the night sky. Some nights she was introspective and pensive, others she would cry herself to sleep. Tonight she was holding a book in her blanket-covered lap but not reading a single word. She was dreaming of what could've been.

She had fallen in love years ago with an eleven year-old, raven-haired boy who had saved her from a mountain troll. She held out hope for a few years that he would see what was right in front of him. But alas, the subject was never breeched, and he never seemed to show interest. At the start of fourth year, Ginny had told her that Ron had fancied her something terrible. She finally decided to move on and pushed down her feelings. After making her wait for another two years, Ron finally came forward with his feelings and their relationship began. However nice it was at some levels, she never truly felt the same love that her parents had shown and described to her. She was beginning to wonder if she would ever feel that kind of love when the tapping of an impressive looking owl started her from her thoughts.

An owl wearing a small Gringotts medallion descended to her, dropped the sealed envelope from its beak, and left out the open window.

Hermione looked at the handwriting, and her fingers began to tremble. It was Harry's untidy scrawl; she was sure of it. Hermione carefully flipped the envelope over, broke the seal, and removed the letter.

October 30, 1998

My Dearest Hermione,

First and foremost, please sit down. I don't want you to hurt yourself. Please.

If this letter has reached your hands, and you are reading it now then something must've happened to me. I've only asked that it be delivered in the event that I am deceased or have been mentally incapacitated. It can be assumed then that is indeed now the case.

Now, and for the first time in my life, I want to be totally honest with you—to come clean with everything I've been hiding from you. You may be thinking that this is the coward's way out—to send it in a letter when I know that you cannot argue about it. I will admit that I am a coward, but as you read on, I'll try to give you my reasons for keeping my secrets close.

I have made out my will in such a way that you should never have to work a day in your life. I have requested that my estate and funds into equal shares to be divided between you, Remus, and the Weasley family. I do this because I care for all of you and want you to have the means to enjoy the rest of your life without having to worry about finances. You may not want it. I'm sure that you probably don't. But Hermione…let me take care of all of you in death in such a way that you would not allow me to in life. I have dreamt of nothing else other than to be able to take care of and travel all over the world with you since I inherited the Black's fortune and allowed myself to grieve him. Sirius wanted me to travel, to experience, and to share it with the one I love. But somewhere in my mind, I knew I would never get to fulfill that dream…to be with the one I truly loved.

It was you, Hermione. It always has been since second year. When you were petrified by the basilisk and temporarily removed from my life, I knew that I felt something strong for you and that a big part of me felt empty. At the time, I had no clue what it meant. I just knew that hated the heartache that emptiness caused.

In fourth year, I figured out exactly what it was. At that point, Ron was clearly smitten with you. The ways he would look at you, the way he spoke of you. I felt my stomach turn over every time and my skin felt sickly cold and green. I was jealous. When I figured that out, I started asking myself the hard questions. The answers were both a startling revelation and then a source of great sorrow. I knew about Ron's feelings, and I swore to myself not to betray him. He was my first friend, and I figured I owed him time to at least sort things out between you. So I said nothing.

When Ron broke away from us at the start of fourth year during the tournament, I was sorely tempted to break my oath. As badly as I wanted to say something, I would not break my promise. When the first round was over and the ball was and the Yule Ball was announced, I was quite sure that Ron would ask you straight away. That's when I decided to go ahead and ask Cho to be my date for the ball. She was pretty, and I thought we could at least talk about quidditch, so why not? By that time, Ron had stuffed it up with you, I had been turned down, and you now had your own date. I felt doubly rejected, by you because of Ron and then by Cho. I felt I had nothing else to lose. That's when I asked the Patil sisters to go the ball with us.

Things had pretty much resolved themselves until the ball came around. When I saw you walk through the front doors with Viktor, it was all I could do not to gawk at you. You were so amazingly beautiful that evening. I knew you were a girl (despite what you may thought at the time) and that you were pretty. Though for that night, your outer beauty finally came close to matching your inner beauty. Yet somehow, the look was still uniquely you—subtle and understated, but you nonetheless. Those thoughts of you and how your face lit up when you smiled that night filled many a dream. I only dreamt that one day that smile would be meant for me.

Then fifth year came. It was probably the most emotionally trying year that I've ever had. I had to deal with Cedric's death. I couldn't talk or write to you. Then I arrive at Grimmauld Place only to find that Ron had been spending all that time with you alone and STILL hadn't talked to you about his feelings. My patience was gone, and I just snapped. Between dealing with Umbridge and no quidditch, my mood didn't improve. The only bright spot was the DA, and I had you to thank for that although I never did. For that, I am sorry.

Then came the fiasco at the ministry. When you fell to the floor, my world stopped. I thought I had killed you. The seconds between when I saw you fall until Neville told me that you were still alive were probably the longest and most changing moments in my life—even more than Sirius being killed. In those moments, my life was forfeit and held no meaning. I wanted nothing more than to die right there holding you. I was afraid beyond all meaning of the word. A world without you is not one that I wanted to live in. I was praying for the flash of green light that would take me back to you. I wanted to die. When I finally heard Neville, I became a man possessed. It was fortunate for the death eaters that I still a limited repertoire of spells because I used them all and even a few that I wasn't sure that I could. After the ministry incident, I knew I needed to back away.

During sixth year, I did exactly that. I had given it a great deal of thought over the summer. If I were too sudden in my withdrawal, you would pull me back in. I needed to do it in a less than obvious fashion. Dumbledore's lessons and wandering the hall at night while you and Ron danced around each other was enough of a distraction. When Ron did something stupid, hurtful, or just plain spiteful, I wanted to just pummel him and then take you away. But I knew I couldn't do that. You still liked Ron and he you. I thought for sure that you would get sick of it and tell him to piss off, but you didn't. That's when I knew you weren't going to see me in the same way I saw you. I needed comfort. I needed contact. Ginny provided that for me. I think deep down she knew, but she never said a word. When it was time to let go after Professor Dumbledore died, she knew what was needed then as well. That's why there was no emotional goodbye. She just accepted it.

Seventh year, if you could call it that, was beyond odd. We were on our own for the first time. You and Ron became close. I was none too surprised when he offered you an engagement ring. I think Ron and I were both surprised though when you did not accept. He assumed that you wanted to wait until we finished our quest and Voldemort was defeated. But I wasn't sure.

We all became very optimistic when tracking down the horcruxes was a little easier than we though it would be. That optimism quickly vanished when Ron tried to exorcise the second to last horcrux without finishing all the detection spells. Even though we had agreed to let it wait until Boxing Day, Ron decided to finish it, and we lost him that night. You had thankfully gone holiday shopping that afternoon. It was bad enough that I had to witness it, I'm just glad you weren't there. He died a very gruesome death that no one should ever have to endure.

So many times, I heard you cry into the night. I heard the screams and wails coming from behind your door. I only comforted you as much as I would allow myself. Without such restraint, I fear things would've been different between us for all the wrong reasons. I respected you too much for that, and I would not desecrate my brother's memory by having a night of comfort turn into a mindless shag. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror in the morning.

The two of us eventually found and destroyed the last piece. I then started training in preparation for the meeting with Voldemort, and I now stand on the precipice of the battle. I received intelligence regarding Voldemort's whereabouts and know that the defenses at his headquarters will be weakened tomorrow night as he plans to send most of his minions on their annual Hollow's Eve `cleansing missions.' I will leave tonight with no plans to return until it is done.

I just wanted to make sure that you knew how I felt and what was in my heart when I left. Regardless of whether or not my love for you is ever requited, know that you were loved beyond measure. Know that I loved you mind, body, and soul. And know that through you, I learned what love is. Love is sacrificing anything necessary to make sure that the ones you love remain safe. You know what I am facing. I face this knowing that you will be safe when I am done. Know that I face this, and everything else that has happened in life, for you and only you.

Loving you with everything in my heart,
Harry

She looked up to the stars in the night sky with tears streaming down her cheeks. A feeling of warmth she had never experienced flooded through her as the missing piece of her heart fell into place.

“I love you too, Harry. I love you too.”

-- Fin.

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