What Was Always There

PhoenixFirebolt

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 28/07/2005
Last Updated: 28/07/2005
Status: completed

Then they looked at each other in silence and neither had to say a word. They both understood now. Everything they had been through for the past six years, every moment of their friendship, had brought them to this point. - After the events of 6th year, Harry and Hermione have a discussion at the Burrow, and come to some realizations along the way.

Chapters

1. What Was Always There

1. What Was Always There

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing concerning the world of Harry Potter. Everything is J.K. Rowling's, etc.

Summary: Then they looked at each other in silence and neither had to say a word. They both understood now. Everything they had been through for the past six years, every moment of their friendship, had brought them to this point. - After the events of 6th year, Harry and Hermione have a discussion at the Burrow, and come to some realizations along the way.

Author's Note: I've been absent from writing fan fiction since the release of HBP, not because I was giving up on fan fiction but because, ironically, I got a huge case of writer's block that is just having problems letting up. I was deeply disappointed in the way HBP turned out, as I'm sure all Harmonians are, but it wasn't just the shipping. The story as a whole was just a disappointment to me, feeling rushed, clumsy, and like a bad fan fiction all throughout. So many of the characters, especially Hermione (who is my favorite), felt destroyed to me. I liked parts of HBP but definitely not everything. So, after reading it, I had to let the book sink in and when I tried to write afterwards, it just wouldn't come to me. I'm FINALLY starting again and here's a one-shot for you guys that I've been writing for about a week now. Hopefully this story will get me back into the writing groove and I'll be able to finish my others. :) I still firmly support H/Hr and NOTHING will stop me from believing in this ship, not the Herons, interviews, or JKR herself. I'm glad to see so many authors on here are doing the same! Let the ship continuing sailing in fandom for us! Enjoy this little piece everyone and please leave comments, I thrive on them! :)

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What Was Always There

Pale moonlight trickled through the open window that Harry Potter sat before. His gaze was unwavering and blank as he gazed outwards, his thoughts so deep that he barely registered anything his eyes were taking in. A loud snort from behind him caused Harry to whip his head around, staring at the faint outline of Ron Weasley, who muttered incoherently in his sleep and rolled over in his bed.

Harry sighed and his gaze once more returned to the window. Just the night before, Harry, Ron, and Hermione Granger had come stumbling into the Burrow, the home of the Weasley’s, after spending two very long weeks at the Dursley’s. Harry’s only living relatives had not been happy with the new situation they had been forced into. After loud shouts and curses, wands drawn and pointed, and several tense moments, the Dursley’s reluctantly decided to allow Harry’s two best friends to stay with him. Their main reason for allowing two more of 'his people' into their house was Harry’s promise to them, that he would leave their house forever on his seventeenth birthday, something Harry and the Dursley’s were only too happy to come to agreements on.

So Ron and Hermione joined Harry in the smallest bedroom of Number 4, Privet Drive and after two weeks, they had left the Dursley’s to come to the Burrow for Bill and Fleur’s wedding. The wedding would be taking place later that day, as it was now only in the early hours of the morning. After the wedding, the Trio would be resuming their stay on Privet Drive until July 31. From that day on, no plans had really yet been made, though Harry was growing more determined in his idea to return to Godric’s Hollow, the home he had had with his parents.

Ron and Hermione both knew of this, though each were apprehensive of his decision, wondering if Harry could handle being in the place where his parents were murdered. Harry had to go though, he had to see the place that had first begun his destiny as The-Boy-Who-Lived. Maybe there, his first clues to finding the Horcruxes and defeating Voldemort, would be discovered.

Until that time though, all Harry had to do was ponder everything that had been and everything that was to come. His thoughts drifted over to the events of his sixth year, which were still so fresh in his memory. He was still grieving over Dumbledore, he was still grieving over Sirius, though that grief he hid better. He thought of how the relationships with the people he knew had changed so drastically. He spent sleepless nights as he berated himself for becoming obsessed with the Half-Blood Prince’s Potion book, which had only led to destruction. Harry thought of Ginny as well, who he had come to care for so deeply but only had to let her go in the end. But his thoughts for her were usually a confused mess, knowing he liked her but also knowing he didn’t love her.

By far though, Harry’s thoughts were most consumed by one person, the one person who’s relationship with him had changed so much in the past year alone. Hermione. It was Hermione who was the cause of so many of Harry’s sleepless nights. It was Hermione who plagued his thoughts that very night.

From the moment Harry had saved Hermione from the troll in their first year, a connection had been made with her. She was no longer just the bossy know-it-all who recited passages from books and hounded his steps, hissing at his rule breaking. Hermione became one of his best friends, who stood by his side and fought for him. Her knowledge had saved Harry countless times and he was immensely grateful to her for this. Hermione was still the only one to never leave his side yet, especially in their fifth year when she had gone over and above to help him. Hermione had become a constant to Harry, a constant that he was so used to he didn’t think he could go on without her.

But Harry had become greatly troubled as sixth year began and everything of that year unfolded. He and Hermione were constantly at each other’s throats, bickering almost as much as her and Ron used to. She refused to listen to his arguments that Draco Malfoy was up to something evil. She was wrathful in her words of him using the book of the Half-Blood Prince. Her worries for Harry had not reached as far, Hermione being more concerned with her jealousy over Ron’s relationship with Lavender Brown. Hermione had become almost spiteful, full of anger and darkness, shrugging off Harry’s comforts and taking to almost ignoring him. To Harry, she was mere shadow of her former self, replaced by a person he barely knew and almost didn’t care to know. The Hermione he had known for the five years before had all but vanished, leaving their friendship crumbling in her wake.

Harry valued his relationships with Ron and Hermione above all others. They were his best friends, the ones who went through every adventure with him and knew him as Harry, not just Harry Potter. Even Ginny couldn’t hold up to what Ron and Hermione were to him. Ginny hadn’t been there for him as much, she hadn’t sworn herself to him. Yes, she had risked her life to help him but that was once. Ron and Hermione had endured six years of risking their lives for Harry, not Ginny. Harry cared for Ginny but not that much. She understood aspects of his life but those aspects dealt with Voldemort and nothing else. She knew Harry Potter, not Harry. And though it had hurt to walk away from her, he did not regret their parting at Dumbledore’s funeral, and neither, it seemed, did Ginny.

That was the difference Ginny had with Ron and Hermione. Ginny didn’t chase after him, begging to come with him and help. No, it was Ron and Hermione who said they would follow Harry wherever he went. And though he was grateful to Ron for his agreement, his relief was greatest with Hermione when she stood by him then. It was the first step to their friendship rebuilding itself. Harry valued Hermione’s opinion above all others, and to know that she had put trust in him then had made him all the more sure that his final plan was the right one. The woman that would stand by him against Voldemort wasn’t going to be Ginny, it would be Hermione. She would be the one there, as she always was.

Harry still held a fear for their friendship though. The stay at the Dursley’s had been tense, the relationship between Ron and Hermione still an unknown, and the friendship of Harry and Hermione on a shaky foundation. Harry had toyed around in his head why he was so bothered by Hermione’s actions toward him during the school year but no logic could be found, only a vague feeling he’d rather not acknowledge. He didn’t want to destroy what Ron and Hermione had so he backed away, trying to only reform the friendship that had survived through so much.

All seemed fine on the surface, the two laughed and spoke comfortably with each other. But Harry knew something still simmered beneath, an unspoken conflict that rose whenever Ron was not present in the room. Their eyes would sometimes lock and Harry would notice something in Hermione’s eyes, something that he couldn’t quite understand. But then Ron would return and shatter the moment and any hope of Harry figuring out what Hermione’s gaze meant.

And now they were at the Burrow, where Harry had been forced to see Ginny again, the creature in his chest uncommonly silent. Hermione had been unnervingly blank when the former couple had met once more, giving Harry something else to mull over as night had fallen. Hermione had gone with Ginny into the younger girl’s room and Harry was bunking with Ron. The red-head had fallen asleep instantly but Harry sat wide awake, not forgetting the blank look on Hermione’s face and wondering what her severe mood swings meant to their friendship.

Harry sighed as no answer came to him among his muddled thoughts. The moon had risen higher and the whole countryside within his sight was bathed in bright silver. A lone owl hooted sorrowfully to the darkness before it’s shape emerged above the trees and melted away as it flew off. Harry was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he barely heard the creak outside the door of the room. When the second one sounded, he jumped up and instinctively grabbed his wand. Another snort from Ron made him blink before stepping toward the door quietly and pulling it open.

Peeking his head out, Harry caught sight of a figure slipping down the narrow stairs before vanishing around the corner. Curiosity taking over his senses, Harry pushed the door open further and silently crept into the corridor. Shutting the door behind him, Harry padded down the stairs, bouncing over the creaking steps and wondering just who the person was that flitted before him.

The soft shuffling ahead of him continued as Harry came to the last of the steps and reached the first floor. He heard movement in the Weasley’s sitting room and quickly edged over to it. Darkness was all that met his vision as he entered the room but soft breathing reached his ears.

Raising his wand, he said quietly, “Who’s there?”

There was a gasp and a muffled clatter before a female voice floated toward him.

“Incendio!” she said.

A roaring fire burst in the grate of the fireplace, illuminating the room in a red light. Harry lowered his wand in surprise when he saw who was standing before him, clothed only in a thin nightgown and a robe.

“Hermione,” he said, stepping forward, “what are you doing up?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” she responded in a tired voice. “Why are you following me?”

“I heard you outside Ron’s door. What were you doing up there?”

Hermione sighed and shifted her weight. “I was checking to see if either of you were awake. I can’t sleep so,” she shrugged, “I don’t know. It seemed like you were both asleep so I left. Guess I was wrong.”

“I can’t sleep either,” Harry responded as he walked fully into the room and settled in one of the overstuffed chairs by the fire.

Hermione regarded him with unreadable eyes before sitting down herself. Her posture was very stiff and Harry felt the familiar tension settle around them both, the tension that always sparked whenever they were alone now.

“You can go back, you know,” Hermione said, staring into the fire. “I’m fine. I just need to do some thinking.”

Harry scoffed.

“If you wanted to be alone, why did you come up to Ron’s room?”

Hermione opened her mouth to reply but then shut it just as quickly. Looking a bit lost, she shrugged again and remained silent. Harry’s eyes narrowed as he studied her. The silence seemed to stretch on endlessly between them before Harry found he couldn’t stand it anymore. Her companionship had never been this hard to handle, even in first year.

“What is this?” he blurted out.

Hermione swung her head to look at him, her eyes dull.

“What is what?” she said.

“Don’t,” Harry said sharply. “Don’t start with that. You know. This.”

He waved his hand between them but Hermione gave no sign that she understood him. Sighing in frustration, Harry continued in an aggravated tone.

“We’ve changed, us two. Our friendship has changed, our entire relationship has changed. We used to be best friends but now I feel as if we’re strangers. All of us have changed but you mostly, Hermione. I barely knew you this past year and because of it our friendship is starting to fail. You’re still there for me but not like before. This year….you just….changed. Why?”

Hermione’s features hardened.

“Oh? So it was only I who changed?” she snapped bitterly. “Why does it just have to be me? Maybe you changed too, Harry. Maybe Ron changed. Maybe Ginny changed. But no, you don’t bring them up, you bring me into this. Why do you care any ways?”

Harry was glowering at her in anger now.

“Shut up, Hermione,” he growled. “You have no idea what you are saying. I do care, you’re my best friend so why wouldn’t I? And don’t get all bitter on me, you know you changed. I’ve already acknowledged that I changed too so don’t tell me I’m only putting this on you. And Ron?” Harry snorted. “Ron never changes.”

A ghost of a smile flickered on Hermione’s lips.

“Yes, that is true,” she whispered, looking into the fire.

Harry leaned toward her though, trying to pull her gaze back to him.

“Please tell me, Hermione. What happened to you?”

The anger crossed Hermione’s face again and she refused to look over at Harry.

“I told you already,” she said blandly, “I have not changed. Nothing is different about me. I’m here, aren’t I? I’m helping you, like I always do.”

“You know that’s not what I’m talking about,” Harry retorted. “Your attitude is different. I know you’re here and helping me but there’s a tension between us now. Our friendship has….failed in a way and I want to know why. You mean a lot to me, Hermione, and you always will. But this past year, I didn’t know you.”

Hermione swung her head around finally to face him, her eyes blazing.

“So, I mean a lot to you, do I?” she hissed dangerously. “You do a piss poor job of showing it!”

Harry gaped at her and wanted to reply but Hermione was in a rant now.

“Where were you whenever I needed you, Harry? Where was the Harry I knew before? You tell me that I’ve become a different person but so have you! You, who now became obsessed with the Half-Blood Prince’s text book, not needing my help with school work anymore. You, who suddenly discovered your affections for Ginny and now I was no longer the only woman in your life. You, who went off with Dumbledore and didn’t need to discuss theories about Voldemort with me as much. You left me this year, Harry. Where did you go?”

“Hermione,” Harry began weakly, “I didn’t leave you, you left me.”

Hermione huffed in annoyance.

“You think that if you must but you’re wrong. I wouldn’t leave you, Harry, I never have yet so what would change that in the course of one summer? I’ve always cared for you, it’s impossible for me to stop that,” she finished softly.

“But, I thought, what with Ron and everything…..” Harry said, trailing off.

Hermione let out a harsh laugh.

“Ron? You think Ron did this to me?” She continued laughing shrilly. “Oh, Harry, no no no.”

“But…but you like Ron,” Harry protested, suddenly feeling as if he was losing an argument. “I wasn’t sure but I was guessing that maybe you were jealous of Lavender being with Ron. You did cry about him a lot.”

“Jealous?” Hermione cried, looking furious again. “Jealous? Oh, only slightly but that’s not why I was so….so different.”

“Then you admit it!” Harry said a bit triumphantly.

Hermione’s shoulders now sagged and her face fell. Her fingers were clutching tightly at her robe, twisting the fabric around and crinkling it. The silence was thick but Harry waited, feeling his answer was about to come to him.

“Yes, I have changed,” she said quietly. “I’m not proud to say it so I deny it, hoping that if I deny it enough it won’t be real anymore. I should know well enough that I can’t fool you though, Harry. But didn’t you notice when the change started, Harry? When everything between us became so unreal?”

Harry shook his head slowly and allowed her to continue.

“It was here, at the Burrow. You told me the prophecy and everything just kind of fell through for me. I realized that it was really only down to you and Voldemort. I know you can still use my help but how much really? I can’t defeat Voldemort for you and how much will I be able to help you when you finally do fight him? And then our O.W.L results came and all I got was an E in Defense Against the Dark Arts. I felt like I failed you, Harry. The one area you need me the most I got my lowest score in, I was suddenly feeling useless to you.”

She paused, tears beginning to brim in her brown eyes.

“Then I saw how you were around Ginny, the way you watched her, and I felt like your need for me dropped even more. And don’t get me started on the Half-Blood Prince. Every way I knew how to help you, I was failing in. I was no longer that important in your life, Harry. I was being pushed away and the only way I could deal with you was by being angry. I figured, if I changed maybe, just maybe, you would notice more. But you didn’t. And then the fiasco with Ron began.”

Harry was feeling speechless so he brought up the only subject he could really focus on.

“What happened with Ron?” he said in a raspy voice.

Hermione’s lips quirked into a smile.

“Ron. Well, I’ve known for a while that he’s fancied me, especially after fourth year and the whole thing with Victor. It felt….good. It was so nice, knowing I held the attention of a boy around my own age. To know that I appealed to someone was such an amazing feeling. I think because I liked that feeling so much I started to get the impression that I fancied Ron back. But then, this year, he started dating Lavender and I lost his attention and it hit me hard, so hard. I was jealous but more of the fact that I didn’t hold the fancies of a boy anymore. I never truly liked Ron, not in the way he wanted me to. I might have for a little while back in fourth year but, I was really holding out for someone else, someone I knew would never fancy me back.”

“Who?” Harry asked, realizing he knew the answer.

“Oh, Harry,” Hermione’s voice cracked. “Don’t you see? I was holding out for someone else, which is why I never really fancied Ron. I held on to this dream of mine, a fantasy, wishing with all my heart it would come true. But it never did and I gave up, looking to Ron for my comfort. But Ron wasn’t there and it threw me into a fit of jealousy. I had neither, the boy I fancied and the boy who fancied me were both gone. So I dealt with it the only way I could, I changed myself in the hopes that this new Hermione wouldn’t have to deal with the heart ache of losing out. I was bested in so many ways this year and this is the only way I knew how to erase it, by ignoring the facts.”

She turned her head and locked eyes with him, shimming brown on unreadable green.

“But to answer your question, Harry, it was you. It’s always been you. You were the one I held on to, the one I gave my heart to. You were the one who chased after me and saved me from the troll, dragging Ron along. You put up with my nagging better than anyone and never fought with me the way Ron did. You cared for me like no one else did and I fell for you. I hid it oh so well though because how could you ever like me back? I was your best friend and nothing more. So I gave up on you and watched you pine after Ginny. I pushed her towards you because I wanted you to be happy and I saw you could have happiness with her if not with me. I figured going to Ron would be easy after that but nothing is easy for me.”

Suddenly a tear slipped down her face and her lower lip trembled.

“Oh, Harry! Why? Why do you do this to me? Why do you cause me to relive this? I put you behind, don’t make me do it again!”

Then she was crying. She buried her face in her hands and started crying her heart out, sobs wracking her body and tears splashing downwards. Harry sat completely still and just watched her, trying to process every one of the words she had spoken to him. Her crying never ceased as he thought them over and when he finally realized that her tears were because of him, something in Harry broke. He shot out of his seat and quickly raced over towards her, kneeling in front of her form.

“Hermione,” he said, placing his hands on her knees. “Hermione, look at me.”

Hermione’s red rimmed eyes peered over her hands at him and she squeaked, trying to pull away from him.

“Oh, no, please,” she moaned. “Don’t, Harry, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Hermione,” he said more forcefully, grabbing her wrists and pulling her arms away from her face. “Listen to me!”

Hermione shut her mouth and only stared at Harry fearfully. He slowly released his grip on her wrists and stared back, formulating the words in his mind.

“Why did you never tell me this? Why did you hide it, Hermione? This is why you changed? Because you feared I didn’t need you anymore? Hermione, I will always need you. You’re the only one ever there for me through everything, you’ve never left me once. I don’t care whether your O.W.L score was an E or that the prophecy is only about me and Voldemort. I want you to help me and be with me every step of the way. You’re still the brightest witch of our age and I know you will do all you can to help me win this war. And Ginny and the Half-Blood Prince could never add up to you. Maybe I didn’t show it much this past year but my need for you will never drop. You are my best friend, Hermione. Don’t change for me, I want you to be the way you always were.”

Tears were still slowly trickling down Hermione’s face so Harry raised a shaking hand and brushed a few of them away. She gasped at his touch and pulled back slightly.

“And as for your confession,” he continued softly, dropping his hand. “Why do you feel like you don’t deserve me? Why do you feel the need to give up on me? Why do you think that only Ginny could make me happy? Did you ever consider that maybe I returned those feelings but I never thought you would like me?”

Hermione looked at him in shock.

“Do…do you?” she whispered in disbelief.

Harry sat back on his heels and sighed, hanging his head.

“I don’t know, I never gave it much thought before. You were my best friend and I knew Ron fancied you so I never pushed the thought of me fancying you as well. But then, after this year, I wondered why you changing affected me so. It hurt to think that our friendship was crumbling and I was hit with something else as well. Every time we were alone, I could feel something there but I couldn’t recognize it. And I knew about you and Ron so I ignored it. It nags at me though, constantly, a feeling entirely different then the one with Ginny. With her, I felt pure jealously and possession. With you, it’s…it’s more…natural and….and calm.”

Harry lifted his eyes and saw Hermione was holding her hands to her mouth, her eyes wide and glassy from unshed tears.

“Oh, Harry!” she exclaimed, lowering her hands. “What….?”

“I don’t know what I mean, Hermione,” he said, understanding her question. “All I know is that I need you in my life and no one will ever be able to replace you, not Ron, not Ginny, not a book. You’re still my best friend but you’re so much more to me, something I can’t describe. I just know it’s been there, for ages, I just never fully thought of it before.”

They stared at each other for several moments. Hermione, with tears still in her eyes, and Harry, with a slightly shy smile on his face. Hermione then leaned forward and clasped Harry’s hands within her own, biting her lip in almost worry.

“Did you really mean all of that, Harry? Is this something that’s always been there but we’ve just been too blind to see it, to realize the other felt the same?”

“Yes, Hermione, I meant every word I said,” Harry replied firmly. “And….and I have been blind. You’ve been standing there in front of me all this time but I never noticed you, truly noticed you. It’s all my fault, if I had….”

“Harry, shh,” Hermione said, placing a finger on his lips. “That doesn’t matter now, that’s in the past. We have now and we have later. Let’s not dwell upon what we can’t change.”

Harry couldn’t help but chuckle at her words, earning a curious glance from the brunette.

“Still the same Hermione, I see. Nothing could take away your knowledge or wisdom.”

“No, nothing could,” she said with a simple smile.

And then they felt that pull towards each other. With the glowing darkness as their only witness, Harry and Hermione kissed for the first time. It was a tentative and slow kiss but both immediately felt the meaning behind it that had never been there with their previous kisses. This was what was right, what should have occurred long before. They moved apart a few minutes later, their faces still close to each other as they tried to memorize the moment they had just shared.

“Well,” Hermione said, laughing suddenly, “we’ve sure made a mess of things. With Ron and Ginny, I mean.”

“We’ll fix it though,” Harry said, running his fingers down her cheek. “We’ve always been able to fix things together. Best friends, right?”

Then they looked at each other in silence and neither had to say a word. They both understood now. Everything they had been through for the past six years, every moment of their friendship, had brought them to this point. Harry and Hermione finally knew that what was always there was love beyond friendship.

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