1. A Man Like Me

A/N - This fic was inspired by "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback. Enjoy! - Kumy

I wanted to love her like she loved me. But I couldn’t…I don’t know how. There is this darkness inside of me that even her light couldn’t keep away. Whenever she was around, it was all right…but as soon as she was gone, the nightmares that haunted me reappeared. And I became lost again. But I was destroying her with my darkness, drowning out her light. So I left her and now struggle on alone…because I couldn’t see her destroyed because of me.

I wanted to love. I wanted to love her. But I don’t think that it is possible. Not for a man like me.

She said she loved me. Sometimes I used to think I loved her. But every night, when the nightmares appeared, her face wasn’t enough. And then I knew that I can’t love. I don’t know what love is. But I so desperately wanted to feel. Feel the heaven that Nevra always says love is. Wanting just isn’t enough, I suppose.

I betrayed the Dark Side for her. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t. Would my parents still be alive? Would I be rich and powerful instead of having to hide in a dusty house from Death Eaters seeking revenge? Would the plan have worked, and Harry Potter would be dead? And when those thoughts come, Nevra’s face isn’t enough…all I can see is the blood on my hands, the deaths I am responsible for. I am a murderer. Love isn’t something I can feel. Only Hate.

But then, why did I betray the cause I had been raised to fight for? And the answer comes, Because Nevra wanted you to. So then what is the feeling I feel for her? What is so powerful it overcomes the bonds of blood? And the answer comes, Love. But I know, deep inside, that I can’t love her…because I was destroying her with every second that I stayed.

Even now her face comes to me, and I save myself from the ghosts by basking in the light of memories…still vivid even after so long. The thing is…she did love me. And she understood why I was the way I was. Her friends and family thought she was crazy to love a flawed, tainted man like me, when Harry Potter himself wanted her. But she loved me anyways. I couldn’t become a better man for her. But she wanted me...the flaws, the taints, everything. I still don’t understand it.

She had had Voldemort inside her head her first year at Hogwarts. That gave her the insight to see what I was feeling. She always knew what I needed and when. But I was drowning and I couldn’t find a handhold on righteousness, on love, on anything. The drunken rages I fell into almost daily were dangerous...I had hurt her several times. She knew I didn’t mean it, and forgave me every time. No one ever knew about it but her and me. I couldn’t let myself do that to her. And I couldn’t stop drinking. So I left. It was the only way to save her from me…from my twisted, tainted form of love.

I still see the tears she cried the night I said goodbye. Every one burned their mark into my heart. It is a pain I deserve…a pain I need to remember myself. To remember what the darkness I now keep at bay did to our love. To remember that I must die before letting that darkness out again.

The thing that is killing me inside is that she understood. I could see the pain in her eyes, feel it in the tenseness of her body when she held me close and told me it was okay. That I could go. That she would survive without me. That she forgave me. The only thing that kept me walking out the door was the fact that I knew that she would be better off without me. That she deserved better than me.

And then, when it was over, I knew that I had loved her…but that it was my love that was destroying her. And now I know, that she is the person who saved me from myself. Who made me change.

When the nightmares come and the vodka sitting in the basement tempts me with oblivion…I see Nevra’s tears. When the knife appears before me and tempts me with the distraction of pain, I see the look in her eyes when she saw me…the side that I had always managed to hide from my angel. When Death beckons with the temptation of release, I see her smile, her laugh. I see her say “I love you.”

I can’t stop thinking about her. And I want to see her. But that will destroy her life again…pull it apart at the seams. To see the man she thought was gone forever. To see the man she hasn’t seen in three and a half years. The man who has counted every day away from her.

But the one reason I can think of to see her again is to show her that she saved me with her love so long ago. To show her that I am a better person…to show her she was the reason I found to change who I used to be. To show her that the darkness – though it will never be gone – is now contained by my inner self. To show her I know who I am now…that I am not lost anymore. Then the decision is taken away from me…by Fate itself.

I was rushing by a Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes shop down Potter Alley when a child flew straight across my path on a toy broomstick and into the path of a magical carpet (legalized several years ago once Arthur Weasley retired). I snatched the child out of the pathway as a frazzled looking redhead rushed up to me with several more children in tow. “Thank you very much,” she said fervently as she picked the boy out my grasp. “Daddy is going to be very mad at you, Ollie. What did he say about riding that broomstick?” Ollie wiggled out of her grasp and began scurrying down the street. She looked on in dismay. It seemed an easy thing to fix for the poor mother.

“Impedimenta,” I said, pointing my wand at the boy’s back. ‘Ollie’ froze in mid-pace.

“Oh my gosh, he is frying my brain. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. Some witch I am. Thank you again,” she said looking up at me. Her face tugged at long past memories and while I was trying to recall her name, she gasped. “Draco? Merlin, is that you?” She looked quite shaky on her feet, so I took hold of her arm as her voice turned a switch in my head. Suddenly, I felt dizzy.

“Nevra…sweet Circe!” I walked her to a bench constantly jostled by the horde of children around her. She looked in a daze. All my buried feelings for this woman sprung back to the front of my mind in tenfold. I wanted to kiss her…but she was probably married. Hell, these kids were probably hers.

She said distractedly, “Come with me.”

“What?”

She shook her head in frustration. “I need to drop off these kids with their father. Come on…we can talk afterwards, I suppose.”

“No, you shouldn’t have seen me. I shouldn’t have broke into your life. We’ll just pretend this never happened.”

She looked at me searchingly, looked at the kids, and suddenly laughed. “Oh, Draco! You poor idiot! I am not married. These kids are Oliver’s - you know Oliver Wood - I am their godmother. Now do you want to talk?”

I wanted to dance around the plaza and sing…well, not really. But the joy rising within me was really uncalled for. “All right, then. Let’s go.”

Once we dropped the kids off with their father, we headed to Madam Puddifoot’s Cafe, where Nevra had to drag me in. “Don’t worry about it, Draco. We don’t look like we’re on a date. It’s actually quite practical for Madam Puddifoot…she’s missing the Valentine’s Day decorations.” I groaned as she let out a giggle. Suddenly I remembered I was talking to the woman who I hurt so badly years ago and I stopped, my mood growing serious.

“I am so sorry, Nevra. Really and truly.” She looked at me sadly.

“I know you are. But we are different now, aren’t we? You don’t need me anymore.”

Suddenly I was hesitant. I didn’t know who she was involved with, what her life was like, anything about her…but it didn’t matter. Because I wasn’t the man I used to be. And I could love. I loved her.

“I don’t need you…But I want you…so badly, Nevra. I changed because I remembered what my darkness had done to our love. It – I – ,“ I paused trying to find the right words. “I didn’t know how to love. I only knew pain. But now…now I love you. I really do. And to be frank, it doesn’t matter if you don’t, because I can’t stop. It doesn’t matter if you have a million kids, or a great husband, or a house, or –.“

“Shut up, Draco.” I closed my gaping mouth with a click of teeth. She looked at me her eyes shining. “I waited and hoped and prayed. God, I wanted this to happen. But I don’t know whether this will work. You are…so different. So much better, happier, content…I don’t know. I guess I don’t know whether we will still work. You love the memory of me…just as I love the memory of you. But we don’t know each other anymore.”

“Wait…you’re single?” I couldn’t believe this angel had waited for a man like me for so many years. But I wasn’t the same guy as I used to be, so I suppose it was possible. She grinned at me.

“Yeah. And we were talking about whether this is even possible,” she said with laughter in her voice. I didn’t hear anything else she said. My heart was pounding and I stood up, leaned across the table, and kissed her hard across the mouth. When I pulled away, she looked at me and said in a near whisper, “You do love me.”

“I love you…always will.” I said simply, leaning back. “Until the day I die.”

She looked at me hard. “I don’t know, Draco. I don’t know. Can I trust you to not break my heart again?”

“Would you believe me if I said yes?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then what does your heart say?”

“To believe the kiss you gave me.”

“And what does the kiss tell you?”

“That you love me…but it’s different. You used to be pleading for someone to save you, someone for you to hold on to. Now you don’t need saving…just loving. She smiled at me after she said this, and I smiled back from across the table.

“You know, I never thought I could see you again.” I began.

“Why not?”

“Because I thought that you could never love a man like me.”

“But you aren’t the man you used to be.” She said, reaching out to squeeze my hand.

“Because of you.” I said as I squeezed back.

I became the man that I never thought I could be. I began to love the girl I always wanted to love. There the Dark Side fully ended, when its remainders were led to the Light.