Never Let Go

NOTE: The poetry accompanying this fiction is called “Waiting” and is written by me! – Kumy

Waiting

Waiting for light

To shine through grimy

Windows

In Walls of fateful

Circumstance

Ginny Weasley had never been what she appeared to be. In first year, well, good little Ginny had Voldemort in her head. She had hurt people…but everyone forgot about it. After all, it had been Voldemort. It never occurred to them that without some evil in her soul, Voldemort would have never been able to possess her as he did.

Then in second year, she had watched. Watched Peter Pettigrew (Voldemort had told her about him in first year) and said nothing to her brother. Just watched to see how many times Potter’s luck could prevail over darkness. Wondering how long her luck would last.

In third year, she had found out about Moody because he had dropped his flask in the Great Hall. She had not told Dumbledore…because she felt that Barty Crouch Jr. deserved his chance to make a point. Dedicated so deeply to his cause that nothing mattered above it…hell, she admired him. She knew he would fail – defeated by Harry Potter once again – but she thought he deserved a chance.

In fourth year, there had been a constant agony in the pit of her stomach. Once the mind has been forced open to a decent Leigilimens, it is little work to force their way back. So she taught herself Occlumency, by listening in on the lessons of Potter and Snape. Watching in the shadows.

Now it was fifth year. She was secretly taking advanced Potions (a seventh year class) and was as skilled an Occlumens as Snape himself. She needed to be. She had many secrets to hide from Potter’s emerald eyes and Dumbledore’s blue ones. They didn’t see all they thought they did.

Everyone always forgot about good perfect little Ginny Weasley. No one ever noticed her drowning, struggling to save herself from her own darkness. No one ever knew that she could win the War – for either side – with what she knew about the Felis Semper spell. The secrets she held behind a giggly mask.

Everything in her life seemed to lead to Darkness. When all she really wanted was the Light…the Light that innocent children basked in, that seemed to emanate from people like Potter and her brothers. She wished she could soak it all up from them, but the Darkness within her seemed to drown it out…just as it was drowning her.

Waiting

Longing in the

Dark

For something to show

Me A Way Out

Of this Place

So now this is where it all came to a pinnacle. Here, as she sat leaning against the wall in a corridor, broken from the taunts of her fellow Gryffindors about her innocence, her naivety…she didn’t even remember what innocence felt like. The kids that taunted her…those were the ones who were innocent. They didn’t know what haunted eyes look like…what drowning eyes look like. All they saw was the smile plastered on like wallpaper. They never looked long enough to see it peeling away, a prop in the greatest Act of Normalcy ever seen at Hogwarts.

Was it really worth it to keep fighting? What would the Dark do to her when she had been living with it inside her for so long? How could the Dark hurt her that she would feel its? Hell, she would take the hurt in exchange for the chance to feel something beyond the surface…her core was numb, always had been. Like a cold that cannot be warmed by any fire.

She suddenly heard footsteps in the hallway. It did not matter. Filch could throw her in a detention…he saw the dangerous look in her eyes – he was scared of her emotionless mask. (She never noticed that her once chocolate eyes had turned tawny brown like a panther’s…that they glowed in the dark when she felt strong emotion.) She looked up to see Draco Malfoy’s lean form striding down the hallway, robes in place, hair perfect, as usual. She ignored him. But he couldn’t help but see her.

Waiting

Waiting for my blossom

In the Garden of

Life

To bloom or

Fade Away

He turned swiftly round the corners of the hallways, trying to find a place where no one could find him. Where he could think. Where he could hide. Until he found a way to get out of this mess.

He had taken a risk, and now everything was about to fall apart. Contrary to school gossip, he was not a Death Eater. In fact, he did not want to be. He did want to be alive after the War…and quite frankly, the only people that remained loyal to the Dark Side were either morons or fanatics. He, being neither, would prefer to save his own skin…and that meant staying with Dumbledore and Potter (much as it hurt him to admit it). The one person he never lied to was himself…it was a matter of principle – if you wanted your mind to be able to work things out properly, you had to give your mind the correct “data,” in a manner of speaking.

Unfortunately for him, his father was one of the fanatics that stayed with Voldemort. And the fool wanted him to get a Dark Mark as well! But he couldn’t let that happened and after delaying as long as he could, he came up with a plan to fool his father into thinking that it was better he remain without a Dark Mark. He had told his father he could best serve as a spy on Dumbledore and on Hogwarts…something which he wasn’t planning to do in reality. If there was a battle in Hogwarts, he very well could get caught in the middle of it! And if he was going through all the trouble of avoiding a Dark Mark in order to save his own skin, what was the point of destroying it in a battle he had caused by spying on his own school. Now that would be stupid. And Draco Malfoy was Slytherin to his bones: cunning, manipulative, thoughtful…but by no means, stupid. Sure, he supposed a few Slytherins were stupid. But they were the outcasts in the House. Slytherins may not have the book knowledge of Ravenclaws, but they knew how to survive…and survive he would.

Now all he had to do was find a way to convince Dumbledore to help him fool Voldemort and his father. It shouldn’t be hard. Dumbledore was a soft man, easy to manipulate. Something Draco, to his own pride, was very good at. But he had to think.

Suddenly a hunched figure came into view…right in front of the portrait of Alconius Malfoy…that was the entrance way to the secret Malfoy hideout right in Hogwarts. Cconveniently, his father had forgotten about it…Draco was also quite good at the charm Obliviate…he could pick memories to erase with very good accuracy. It seems to be Ginevra Weasley…the perfect little Gryffindor. She didn’t look so innocent with her wild eyes glowing in the dark shadows of the corridor. Draco barely caught himself from stepping back involuntarily at the look in her eyes.

Waiting

In Darkness

I’m lost past regain

Fell off the path

Where even rivers lose

Their Way

“So, what’s the innocent Gryffindor Princess doing lurking about in the dark of the night?” Ginny groaned inside. Couldn’t he just walk by her?

“The same thing I do every night. Sit here. No one notices me in the dark. No one usually comes by here.” Malfoy seemed taken aback.

“Every night? I would have seen you. I come here quite often.” She smiled inside. He had walked right by her every time.

“I know. I’ve seen you. I blend into the shadows very well…and when I don’t want you to see me, you don’t see me. The room behind this portrait is very nice…not quite on the level I would expect of a Malfoy…but definitely better than Gryffindor dormitories.” She laughed quietly…a husky dangerous laugh…like the purr of a panther. “Don’t get tense, Malfoy. I didn’t touch anything…wouldn’t want to contaminate it with Weasley – or with my perfect innocence, right?”

“You’re lying, Weasley.” She just smiled, as if she had secrets he knew nothing about. He didn’t like that look.

“Your password’s ‘Refuge.’ Inside the room changes to whatever you want it to be…like the Room of Requirement, in a way. The one thing that never changes is a beautiful pillow of a dragon embroidered in red and gold…oh, and the book telling the story of the love of a Gryffindor and this man,” she said, gesturing to the portrait, “Alconius Draconis Malfoy. I know the room, Malfoy.”

He was shaking…he couldn’t seem to pull up the barriers that had always withstood any assault by Hogwarts students. This girl had been in his private business. If she had walked in when any of his papers were in there…she could ruin him. “You could have read it all in a book.” She laughed again…this time a rich chuckle.

“I did. The copy of the book that is on the bookshelf inside that room about this room. It will show itself if you ask for it. The only other copy – according to the text – used to be contained in the Malfoy Manor – but was destroyed by a Draconis Malfoy little over two years ago. Planning to take this secret to your grave, Draco?”

She had called him by his first name. That was the only thing he noticed in the numbness of his mind. He merely opened the portrait and gestured for her to come in. She went, without guarding her back as if confident he would not strike her from behind. It was that confidence that scared him the most.

Waiting

All alone

in the night

The stars of my dreams

Fall Away

Cutting my Heart

With their raw sharp

Edges

Shredding my nerves

Making shards of Ice

Fall from Eyes

So cold

“No one knows you, really, do they?” He asked.

She shook her head in response. With practiced ease she called up an armchair for herself. “Wait, I take that back. Tom Riddle. You know him as Voldemort.”

Draco gaped at her.

She began slowly. “It’s hard to understand. In first year, he got inside my head. He knew every wish, every desire, every dream. He knew me better than any other human ever to walk this Earth. Probably because he isn’t human. He twisted every dream in my head…turning it to something poisonous, something hurtful. He pretended to help me, but in reality broke my hope every minute he stayed. Still, ironically, I miss him. Because he knew what I was thinking, knew what I wanted from him…he was perfect for me because he knew me through and through…and for that, I miss him. I know he feels nothing, isn’t capable of it – and yet I still miss the presence inside my head that could tell me what to do when I am lost.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because it doesn’t matter anymore. Because I am tired of fighting the Darkness inside of me. Because I can’t make myself care.”

He asked, “How much do you know about me?”

She responded, “Everything. But not just about you…about nearly every person in this school that matters. You see, there are several people in this school whose choices, whose lives could and probably will decide the imminent War. You, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, my brother Ron Weasley, Pansy Parkinson. And myself. I know everything there is to know about each of those people.”

“Why?”

”Because I don’t like not knowing…not being in control…not being prepared. Tom taught me that. He had utter control…he hurt me so bad that when he Returned, I couldn’t leave the house without felling like he was watching. He probably doesn’t even remember my name, but being unprepared for him left me devastated. I need to know what I am going up against.”

Waiting

Longing for the stars

For the sun

Waiting for the dusky trail

That Dawn dances into

The Sky

He watched her as she answered. There was so much no one knew about her. But then again, there was so much n one knew about him. Things that she claimed to know. He didn’t believe so much that she was being perfectly honest with him as he probably would have a few hours ago. Because the Ginny Weasley he saw now was not a Gryffindor Princess…she was a Gryffindor Lion – that was ready to hunt.

She scrutinized his face, trying to read him. He knew that she would not succeed. He had been trained to place a mask on since he was two. It was an occupational hazard of being the son of a man high in the ranks of the Dark Side. Even children were weaknesses that could be exploited by enemies…Children of the Dark had to learn to fend for themselves fast – or they wouldn’t survive. Few knew that Draco had once had an older brother, Matrim…who had been killed when he was only two weeks old. His death had been recorded as a late miscarriage rather than murder…a way of showing his parents could not be swayed using their children as bait.

“You know, you need something so bad that you deny even wanting it. I don’t know what…but you do.” She said suddenly.

“What are you talking about?”

Hoping that I will keep

Something

Something to break this

Fall Everlasting

“I can’t tell you how I know. I just do…I am an Empath. It’s what I do.”

“All right. You know what I want? I want someone to listen…someone who doesn’t care about the Light or the Dark…someone who can tell me what I should do. I want someone who can help me fix my life.” She smiled at him…suddenly the picture of the Gryffindor Princess herself. And surprisingly he didn’t mind. He actually welcomed the change.

“I truly don’t care anymore. In the Light, I seem to drown in the Dark. So I guess I am neutral. And I am listening. But we all want someone to tell us what is right…what will turn out the best for us…what choice we should make. The key is to trust yourself to make the choice. Because only you can make it.”

“But knowing isn’t enough.”

“You have to act on what you know, Draco. To do what you think is right…that is enough. It has to be.”

“I thought you hate not knowing.”

“I do, but Life doesn’t give previews. An unfortunate side effect of being human.”

Waiting for something

To catch me

To catch me

So I won’t

Break

To stop me from falling

Any farther

He looked at her, his eyes earnest, his mask unknowingly (or maybe purposefully) gone. “I don’t know what is right anymore.”

She smiled wistfully. “Neither do I. Only few people are gifted with the conviction to believe they know what is right. I can only guess. What do you think?”

“That whatever is right is the thing that will save my skin.”

“Brutally honest and totally Slytherin. To me what is right is the thing that takes this cold away.”

Draco looked at her questioningly. “What cold?”

“The cold that never goes away. The numbness at my very core. The place where no feelings seem to reach. The cold that cannot be warmed by any fire.”

He looked at her suddenly. “Why are we telling each other this? Why do I trust you?”

“Because neither of us have anything left to lose. Because both of us have given up hope that there is a chance that things will work out. I don’t know. Despair pulls together the most unlikely people.”

Waiting

My hope falling

Another star shattered

Dully I remember the sweet

Memories of when I wasn’t

Falling

So long ago

“You know, I don’t think I have given up hope. I think I can convince Dumbledore to protect me.”

“It’s not that we have given up hope at survival…in fact, trying to survive is what made us lose hope. Not in survival, but in the chance that we will ever feel. That we will ever be happy with who we have become…what our lives will be.”

He shook his head. “How could a Gryffindor and Slytherin have anything in common?”

“I don’t think anybody fits totally in a House…it would make Hogwarts very boring, to have only four types of people. And we both have been tainted in a way. You, by the hope of finding a way of knowing. Me, by the Darkness that seems to drown me.”

Dimly recalling hope

Waiting

Just Waiting

To see if something will
Snatch me out of the

Dark

Draco was thinking…Ginny’s words seem to just flow over the surface while below, his mind teemed with thoughts. He didn’t even realize that he had begun calling Weasley by her first name in his head. He heard the last phrase and unthinking, blurted out, “I don’t think I want you to Drown.” She glanced at him, her eyes as startled as his own at this revelation.

Suddenly she realized that at some point during the conversation the armchair had become a loveseat and that she was now sitting very close to him. She smiled nervously.

This was the first time he had seen her unsure. He let the silence sit and became lost in his own thoughts.

She watched him as his eyes glazed over and became lost inside himself. Suddenly his eyes focused and he gazed at her, as though slightly dazed. Then, his eyes cleared and he gazed at her hard. Then he did what she had never expected. But now she realized, for the past few minutes, wanted.

He knew that he, for the first time in his life, genuinely cared about someone. Her. And he knew what he had to do…no matter what she felt for him. He had been waiting for so long, for something to tell him what was right. And this feeling…this feeling was what was right. And he felt it with her.

His lips crashed down onto hers, and heat rushed through her body, inflaming her mind. When they broke apart, she whispered wonderingly…”I don’t feel numb.”

He pulled away, his eyes searching her face, his fingers tracing the contours of her cheekbones, her lips. He struggled for the words. “We know more about each other than anyone else. I don’t know why we told each other everything when we barely know each other, but we did. And for the first time in my life, I care for another person. And I want to feel like this every day.”

“This is unreal. This is out of a freaking fairy tale. There is no way this could work. No way we can make this work.” She was frantic. She couldn’t let herself get swept away, then get dropped. He placed his fingers over her mouth and she quieted.

“You know it can. You’re scared I will let you fall. Let the feeling go away and the numbness return. But I will never let you go, Angel. Because you see, as much as you hold on to me for feeling…I hold on to you. We both need each other. And we will have each other. Whatever it takes.”

She sunk into his arms, content at staying with the man she’d never thought she’d find. The man who could drown the Darkness with his own Light. The man who warmed her heart with the ice of his soul…fixed what fire could not heal.