Harry Potter's Visum et Disiderium
by Gidget

Rating: PG13
Ship: Harry & Hermione
Canon: Books 1 - 5
Genre: Mystery, Romance
Status: Paused
Length: 14,449 words in 6 chapters
Published: 8 Aug 2005
Last updated: 13 Sep 2005

Sequel to Harry Potter and the Alucinor Dicio. After the events of Harry's Sixth year, Harry must come to terms with
what he's done.

From the Unofficial Portkey Archive: https://portkey-archive.org/story/4910/

------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Colwyn Bay

A/N: Duh da dan duh! I feel a bit like Hagrid in the PoA movie, lol. Ah I love the smell of a fresh sequel in the
morning..err.. nighttime. Okay, for those of you who are new, or couldn't read the summary, this is a sequel to my other
story Harry Potter and the Alucinor Dicio... read that first! Otherwise you'll be all kinds of confused. My loyal
readers, I probably won't be updating as frequently as I did on my previous story. Look for about a chapter a week...
sorry! Review and love me anyway? BIG thanks go to my beta, Alex, *everyone clap now!* I was super nervous about this
and he made me feel MUCH better about it, lol. Review!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I write for practice not profit.

“Battle not with monsters

lest ye become a monster

and if you gaze into the abyss

the abyss gazes into you.”

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Chapter One -  Colwyn Bay

Harry Potter lay in his narrow twin bed staring at the ceiling. Once again his sleep had been disturbed by mental images
of what had occurred outside Hogwart's a month ago. It seemed as though every time Harry closed his eyes he would see
the fire, flashes of burning flesh, and the expression on Hermione's face as she fell after being struck forcefully by
Voldemort. It wasn't as if Harry was a stranger to nightmares, on the contrary he was more accustomed to them than any
boy his age ought to be, but lately the flashes had been affecting his waking hours as well.

It had been three weeks since he had arrived in Colwyn Bay to stay with his godmother Rowen and her husband. Harry fell
in love with the small seaside town that bustled with people at it's center, while still seemingly desolate towards it's
outskirts. Rowen's house was on a small avenue located just outside the town, and it had a clear view of the Bay from
it's front windows. Harry glanced out the bay windows at the sea as he thought about it. The water had been immensely
comforting to him, he found the sound of the sea waves crashing on the shore soothing as he lay awake most nights. It
was peaceful and repetitive, and helped Harry to not think.

To not think about the fact that he had not written a single letter to his best friend, to not think that his girlfriend
had been similarly neglected by him. Every time Harry sat to write either Ron or Hermione, he could not make himself
write the lies they needed to hear right now.

Dear Ron,

Everything is fine. Really enjoying my vacation. Not thinking at all about how I murdered two people a month ago, even
though they deserved it.

Right. That would be taken well. As Harry well knew, his best mate Ron was a great friend who was really loyal to Harry,
but Ron had certain avoidance issues when it came to discussing anything emotional or difficult to handle. Harry, right
at this moment was both emotional and difficult to handle. Most likely Ron was doing his best to forget what he had
witnessed Harry do last year, and Harry could only wish that he too could forget.

Hermione, well, she was an entirely different story. Harry loved her a great deal, and felt very guilty for the worry
and pain she must be feeling at his lack of communication, but she didn't even know what had happened last year, since
she had been unconscious at the time. Harry did not seem to have the words to tell her what was going through his mind
at the moment, and he didn't want to placate her with false words that she would see right through, so he chose silence
and hurt her even more in the meantime. He had even had to stuff the pendant she had gotten him last year for his
birthday in his sock drawer, as she had charmed it to communicate with him. He had heard her voice several times,
whispering through the Merlin pendant before he could no longer take it and shoved it as far as he could into the
drawer, next to some socks that Dobby had given him two years previously.

Harry had opened all of their letters though, it seemed to be his own personal punishment to read the bewildered ( in
Ron's case) and increasingly frantic ( that would be Hermione) letters. With each owl that flew to his window Harry's
feelings would sink that much lower. His time of avoidance and peace would be coming to an end soon though, as his
birthday was approaching and Rowen would have a party for him come hell or high water.

Harry was trying to concentrate on one of the apparition lessons Rowen had been giving him. He would be tested on the
day of his birthday and he and Rowen were discussing this as he practiced. Rowen wanted to hold a party for Harry,
either here or at the Burrow after he passed his test. Harry was more reluctant however.

“Harry, it's your 17th birthday, you'll be of age, it's huge... I mean why wouldn't you want to celebrate?” Harry did
everything he could to avoid Rowen's eyes as she spoke to him, his face an impassive wall.

“I just don't need a big party... it's just a birthday.” Harry muttered quietly. Rowen eyed Harry critically before
speaking.

“I know you won't tell me what's wrong, and I won't push you before you are ready Harry. This is your birthday though,
and you can make an exception for one day. Besides Hermione will be arriving then anyway, so you'll have to deal with it
one way or another.” Rowen stated with a tone of finality that indicated the discussion was over.

Rowen. She seemed to be the one person who understood that all he wanted was to be left alone. She had not pressured him
in any way to talk since his arrival. Neither had her husband, Severus Snape. If someone had told Harry a year ago that
his godmother would be in his life, married to Snape and a parent to Harry's goddaughter Ria, Harry would have stood in
shock before bursting out laughing. So many things had changed over the last year though, that Harry could hardly take
it in.

Voldemort was dead. Gone. Harry had defeated him a month ago outside Hogsmeade. He was a hero to the wizarding world,
which was still celebrating it's victory.

A high pitched scream echoed as a blackened hand reached out as though to grab Harry.

Harry shook his head quickly. These thoughts seemed like they would never leave his head. Harry tried to quiet his
breathing as he listened to the sounds of the sea and the creaks of the house settling. It's no good, Harry thought,  I
need some air. Harry bolted up from his bed, opening his door and creeping down the stairs before the thought had fully
formed. Harry took his care to be quiet, as Ria was sleeping in her nursery. Harry knew that Rowen cast charms on the
room to prevent outside noises to penetrate, but he still felt the need to creep all the same.

Finally Harry found himself on the large brick patio, he threw himself into one of the wooden chairs and stared up at
the inky black sky. The moon poured a slight silvery light over the yard, before reflecting off of the water a few yards
away. Harry tilted his head back fully , to better see the stars that dotted the sky like fairy lights. Harry often felt
as if he just wanted to go sleep and be woken up when this was all over. If it ever will be over for me. He did not hear
anyone approach until a voice spoke behind him.

“Stargazing. Harry? I can't imagine you starting so early on your Astronomy homework.” Snape's silky voice issued from
behind him. Harry jumped in his seat before turning to his potions professor.

“ Just thinking, sir.” Harry stated. At Snape's arched eyebrow he added, “ Sorry , Severus.”

“Quite alright, Harry. It takes getting used to I'm sure.” Snape spoke somewhat sarcastically, although to be fair, most
things he said were somewhat sarcastic. Despite having married Rowen and mellowing considerably since the birth of his
daughter, some things would never change.

“ Did I wake you sir?” Harry asked somewhat bluntly. Snape however, took no offense and seated himself in the chair next
to Harry's.

“As a rule, Harry, I have tried to stay out of your business this summer. We all have our own scars to deal with from
the final battle.” Snape's eyes gazed off as he spoke, and Harry knew that he was thinking of Draco Malfoy, who had died
at Snape's hand in the battle. “ However, Rowen has become increasingly worried about you. Now she is trying to let you
be, assuming that you will come to her when you are ready. I know better than that.”

Harry made a motion as though to protest this, but sank in acceptance at Snape's glare. “Rowen thinks that you will be
able to work through this if left alone long enough. You won't though will you? Being alone is not the way to deal with
it Harry. I don't presume to know what happened in that clearing, but I'm not so naive as to not know what may have
happened. You need to talk to someone Harry. If not Rowen, then at the very least Dumbledore.” Harry had sat quietly
through the whole speech, but at mention of Dumbledore he exploded in anger.

“Why would I speak to him about it? He knows what happened! He was there! He WATCHED! No one understands what I've done.
I killed a man, two men! YES they were evil, but I should have been better than them. No one has seen what I've seen and
don't YOU sit there and try to tell me what I should and should not DO!” Harry was hollering at Snape but the words died
in his throat when he looked up and saw the look of complete fury on Snape's face.

“No Potter! You think no one understands how it feels to be a good man committing an evil act? What do you think I've
lived with for the last 20 years? Do you think that Deatheater meetings were discussions of how to best take over the
world while we sipped brandy? There were torturings, for fun! Muggles who were killed slowly in front of us for
amusement! And if that was all they did then that was a lucky Muggle! Do not presume to think, once again, that the
world revolves around yourself and your problems alone, Potter!” Snape spoke in a low, furious tone. Harry felt all of
his anger drain out of him at Snape's well deserved diatribe. Harry was not the only one who'd suffered during this war.

“ I'm sorry sir.” Harry said, instantly contrite. “ you're right, I am thinking of only me, and I apologize for not
considering..” Harry was cut off by a wave of Snape's hand.

“No Harry, I shouldn't have reacted like that. Rowen would kill me if she had heard that, I came out here to try to help
not hurt you. My temper you know..” Snape trailed off as Harry watched him. Harry was more than familiar with the
Potions Master's temper having been subjected to six years of it in class. Harry sat, silently waiting for Snape to
continue.

“I suppose Harry I foolishly came out here thinking I could give you... advice. I have dealt with what you are feeling
for a very long time. Nights when you feel so absolutely evil and tired that you wish it would just stop and end. Life,
Harry, is filled with large, life altering moments in which your decisions affect every aspect of your being.” Snape's
voice seemed almost wrung out as he spoke, as if just discussing the matter reminded him too much of the darkness within
himself.

“I have learned that without those decisions, I would not be where I am today. Regrets Harry, are a waste of energy. I
know you cannot see far enough ahead right now, but you will be able to look back someday and see this not as the moment
that destroyed you but as the moment that defined you. You did not harm anyone until it came time to destroy evil. This
does not make you evil yourself.” Harry had listened quietly as Snape spoke. Harry did not agree with what Snape was
saying but he did listen hoping to gain some type of insight from the man.

“ Just... think about it Harry. Don't shut people who are only trying to help you out just because you don't feel worthy
of them right now.” With that Snape stood up and without another word, swept into the house leaving Harry once again
alone in the night air.

Regrets are a waste of energy. This does not make you evil yourself. Harry struggled with his thoughts after Snape had
left. No matter what his professor said, Harry felt as though there were a stain on his soul that he could not scrub
off. I killed a man, and enjoyed killing him. If that is not the source of all evil, I don't know what is. Harry wished
he could attribute the glee he felt at watching Voldemort burn was merely self righteous anger, but he knew better than
that. He could lie to everyone around him, but not to himself.

Harry watched the irresistible dance of the flames as they licked up the robes of Voldemort. He saw the dawning
realization hit Voldemort that there was no escape, the indescribable satisfaction he derived from hearing Voldemort's
screams and incoherent pleading. A almost fascinated disgust that kept Harry's eyes glued to Voldemort's writhing
figure, watching as the flesh blackened and curled before peeling away to reveal the next, even more sensitive layer of
skin.

Murderer,  his conscience whispered in Hermione's voice. Evil. Harry heaved a great sigh as he tried to blank his mind
by staring at the stars. Even the small amount of light provided by the moon and stars seemed overly bright to his
heightened senses. Harry jumped at the sound of rustling in the bushes, whipping his wand out before he had even fully
turned. Only a neighborhood cat , however, sauntered out glaring balefully at Harry before continuing on it's way down
Glanrafon Ave. Harry relaxed his stance, placing his wand back in it's holster before once again turning his gaze
towards the sky.

See this not as the moment that destroyed you but as the moment that defined you. Snape's words echoed through Harry's
head. If this is what defines me, what does that make me?  Harry thought wryly to himself. He had spent so much time
over the last month dwelling on what he had done, that his head hurt at times. Harry felt as if there were too many
thoughts trying to take control, and he was powerless to stop it. He could only dread his reunion with Hermione, because
as much as he needed her unwavering support and love, he didn't want to drag her down into this dark world of his own
creation. All these thoughts seemed to tumble around in his head, as his eyes became bleary with fatigue. Harry
eventually decided to try again to sleep, hoping he wouldn't have to take yet another Dreamless Sleep potion, he had
taken far too many lately.

Harry felt so tired, as he dragged himself into the house and up the stairs. He threw himself on the bed fully clothed
and he knew that no amount of advice or dwelling thoughts would prevent the terrors from plaguing his sleep that night.
He fought to stay awake, to avoid them a little longer before he finally succumbed to sleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. Unforgiven

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I write for practice not profit.

“I'll tear thee open, make you gone.

No longer will you hurt anyone.

And the hate still shapes me.

So hold me, Until it sleeps.”

-Until It Sleeps, Metallica

Chapter 2 – Unforgiven

Harry looked at his watch as he sat on the stair landing. 12:01 am. Happy Birthday Harry, he thought sardonically. He
glanced down into the sitting room, where Rowen and Snape were discussing- what else?- him. Rowen was sitting on the
sofa turned towards Snape, her dark hair seeming obscenely red as the firelight glinted off of it. Snape was slumped
down, his black hair curtaining his face , as usual.

“ - I'm glad you spoke to him Severus, but I don't know if it was very wise. He needs us to let him deal with it in his
own way. There's not much we could do for him once he lets us in regardless. You and I know from experience...” Rowen's
voice was soft but clear as she spoke.

“ I know, Rowen. I thought that perhaps for once Potter could see reason and learn from the mistakes of others. It would
seem however, that he is determined to do things in his own way, as usual.” Snape's silky voice answered her. Rowen just
reached out and smoothed the hair out of his face. She sighed heavily.

“It's not just Harry suffering, Sev. We all are, especially you and him. Both of you fail to see the simple delights of
forgiveness. You find it hard to forgive others, but most especially difficult to forgive yourselves.” Rowen stated
softly as she continued to stroke his hair. Snape laid his head against the back of the sofa and closed his eyes.

“ I am aware of my own failings, thank you Rowen.” Snape retorted sardonically. Rowen merely smiled in the face of his
snarkiness. “ However, I lost you for almost twenty years because of my inability to share everything with you. I don't
wish for the same thing to happen to Potter, or Miss Granger.” Snape's voice seemed almost kind as he spoke.

“Harry, Severus. His name is Harry.” Rowen scolded gently. Harry sniggered quietly while listening, reminded of how many
times Dumbledore had corrected him in much the same fashion. Dumbledore... Harry felt an odd surge of regret mixed with
anger when he thought of the Headmaster. He quickly shook his thoughts off and once again concentrated on the discussion
downstairs.

“- be alright when they go away to Italy? I do hope Hermione will be able to get through to him, since I've been rather
unsuccessful.” Rowen was saying , wistfully. The expression on her face was so sad, Harry felt the familiar guilt rising
up.

“Why you allowed him to plan the trip is beyond me. Two young students, off on their own in another country...” Snape's
lip curled up briefly. Rowen just chuckled at him, her eyes glinting merrily.

“Oh, of course, Severus! Because we never went anywhere alone while still students... Might I remind you of Christmas
Break our Seventh year?” Rowen's voice shook with mirth as she spoke.

“ Well, that was... we were... it was different for us!” Snape spoke with just a hint of exasperation tinging his silky
voice, as he reached forward and pulled her down to meet his mouth. Harry observed them silently for a moment, before
deciding that he could overhear nothing more useful. He quietly cast a silencing spell on himself before heading up the
stairs to his own bed his mood decidedly un-celebratory as he closed his eyes.

The next day dawned with a sky that was gray and turbulent, threatening to split open with rain at any moment. Harry,
seeing this when he woke, smiled to himself. It almost felt like the weather was on his side today. Harry dressed
quickly, throwing on jeans and a black sweatshirt before heading downstairs. Both Rowen and Snape were in the kitchen,
turning when he entered.

“Harry Birthday Harry.” Rowen stated softly. Harry just nodded in her direction. She slid him a mug of tea before
continuing. “ Severus will be taking you into the ministry for your Apparition test, I'm going to stay here with Ria. Is
that alright?” she asked. Harry inwardly smirked at her statement. He knew Snape was taking him so Rowen could prepare
for the party he didn't want, and greet the people he had no desire to see. He looked up to tell her this, but was
halted at the almost pleading look on her face. He briefly remembered the sad look on her face the previous evening,
I've been rather unsuccessful. So he just nodded resignedly, bracing himself for the rest of the day. Rowen smiled
brightly at him before sliding a plate of breakfast toward him.

“Where's Ria?” croaked Harry. Rowen smiled and glanced over at him.

“She's sleeping. Winky is watching her.” Harry nodded at her words as he shoved his breakfast in his mouth in an almost
Ron-like fashion. When he finished, Snape, who had been characteristically silent up until this point looked over at
him.

“Are you ready to go Harry? We'll be flooing to the ministry.” Snape's face reflected his thoughts of flooing, it was
his least preferred form of travel. Harry merely nodded and followed him to the kitchen fire place throwing his powder
in and stepping into the green flames.

Harry managed to pass his Apparition test his first try, a feat which made him think of how it had taken Ron three tries
before passing. Harry was alternating between wanting to see his friends and dreading their arrival. The rest that would
be there he could do without, but Ron and Hermione, he longed to see, and wished never would come all at once. Some of
Harry's trepidation must of shown on his face, as Snape actually gave him a sympathetic smile before they apperated to
Colwyn Bay.

As Harry expected, the house was filled with people. Harry was at least grateful for the lack of decorations, knowing
that Rowen had at least drawn the line somewhere. It was the only thought Harry had before being gripped in a tight hug
by Hermione.

“Harry!” she cried hugging him harder before pulling away, her face filled with joy at seeing him. It quickly darkened
with anger though as she glared at him, smacking him on the arm. “ Harry James Potter, I'm going to save our discussion
for later, as it's your birthday, but make no mistake we will talk.” she spoke in a low voice. Harry felt his guilt
threaten to overtake him, as he looked into her eyes somberly. He wanted the fleeting moment of peace back that he had
when she had hugged him.

Harry saw Ron strolling over with Luna, and Harry greeted him quietly, avoiding his eyes. With that, it commenced, Harry
was inundated with greetings, and well wishes. He was having a difficult time trying to keep up his happy facade, which
unknown to him, was more of a barely tolerating it facade. Harry was forced to deal with almost all of his friends, the
Weasley's, Order members, plus the Headmaster. Harry forced himself to smile and nod politely.. make small talk and
exclaim over his gifts.

At his first available opportunity, Harry escaped to the backyard, walking through it until he was on the shoreline. The
gray of the sky was reflected in the water, which was lapping gently at the cold wet sand.

Harry felt, rather than heard, Dumbledore's approach. Of all of the meetings he had dreaded, this would be the one that
ranked lowest on his list right behind Voldemort-risen-again. Dumbledore just stood, watching Harry before conjuring
himself a chartreuse armchair that clashed so awfully with the mood of the day that Harry almost smiled. Dumbledore
conjured another chair, but Harry remained where he was on the cold sand. He waited for Dumbledore to begin.

“Harry, I have been a bit worried about you my boy. I must say, with you staying with Rowen and Severus I get almost no
reports of your well being. You could not have chosen two more tight lipped companions. I find myself in the rather
unusual position of not knowing what you've been up too. Would you care to enlighten me?” Dumbledore inquired, as though
they were meeting over tea . Harry's only reply was to snort under his breath.

“Harry, I am very worried about you..” Dumbledore began tentatively.

“Why?” Harry asked, sarcastically. “ I've done what you needed me to do, no need to take special interest in me now!”
Harry almost instantly regretted the words, but felt no inclination to apologize for them. Dumbledore just laughed.

“It would seem, Harry that living with Severus is giving you some of his more charming character traits. No matter. I
understand that you wish to be left alone. I hope that you also understand why I cannot give you your wish.” Dumbledore
stated softly. “I have arranged for a new teacher to be at the school this year to give you private lessons Harry. She
is a renowned Seer, Alesia Dordei. She will be instructing you in Divination.” Dumbledore spoke as if the whole
conversation up until that point had never occurred. Harry rolled his eyes at this piece of information but remained
silent.

“ Ah I believe I see Miss Granger headed this way, so I will take my leave of you Harry.” Dumbledore stood as he spoke,
but Harry just stared ahead giving no indication of hearing him. Dumbledore sighed softly, nodding to Hermione before
heading back to the house. Hermione dropped onto the sand next to Harry, staring at him.

“Oh Harry.” she sighed. “ Do you have any idea how worried I was? Well, of course you do! I was frantic! Why didn't you
write me back? Do you have any idea what it felt like when I realized you just weren't speaking to me?” Harry looked up,
regretting the action when he saw the tears streaming down Hermione's face. Guilt clawed at him like an animal caged
inside. He had caused this hurt, this pain for her. All because he couldn't see past his own pain. He pulled her toward
him, holding her tightly, as if she were his only lifeline.

“I'm so sorry, Hermione! I didn't know what to say, and I couldn't say it in a letter anyway. I just... I'm not okay
right now.” Tears were burning the back of his eyelids as he spoke and he felt Hermione begin to speak. “No, Hermione...
I still don't want to talk about it. I just need you to understand that and not ask. Gods, I'm an awful boyfriend.”
Harry chuckled depreciatively. “I'm sitting here, asking you to understand that it's not alright, but not explaining why
and expecting you to just deal with the fallout of something you can't fully understand. I love you Hermione, but I'd
understand if you feel- if you think it isn't worth it..”

Hermione gripped him more tightly, compulsively. “NO Harry! If I have to wait for you to be ready to talk, I will. If I
have to deal with moody Harry, I will. I did fine fifth year, right? I am not going anywhere.” As Hermione spoke she
pulled back to look into his eyes. She placed her hands on either side of his face, tears sparkling in her eyes.
“Neither one of us leaves, okay? Promise?” Harry could only nod at her, pulling her closer to him, hanging on to her for
dear life as the fog from the sea wrapped itself around them.

That night, Harry was laying in his twin bed, staring at the ceiling of his room thinking on the day. When he and
Hermione had returned, his party had felt just as excruciating as before he left. He had seen Rowen and Snape cornered
several times each by Dumbledore, before Snape had finally kicked Dumbledore out, much to Harry's amusement. After that
everyone, seeing Snape's mood, left rather quickly. He and Hermione had spent some quiet moments in the library planning
for their trip, which they left on in four days time. Hermione had also been furiously researching and writing her
speech. Harry had worried she would try to get him to talk, but she just didn't mention the episode on the beach again
that night. They had eventually turned in thirty minutes ago, and now Harry was laying here dreading sleep. His head
lifted when he heard a soft knock on the door.

“Come in.” he called softly. The door opened silently and Rowen's head poked through it.

“I came to see if you needed anything... and Severus wanted me to give you this.” She held up a flask of potion as she
spoke. “It's a Dreamless Sleep Potion, he thought you'd like a supply for while you're in Italy with Hermione.” Rowen
came over and sat on the edge of the bed , unbidden. She reached over and placed the flask on his bedside table.

“Well, I'll have to thank him tomorrow. I didn't want to have any... dreams when Hermione and I were away.” Harry
answered her haltingly. She smiled sadly at him as he spoke.

“That's why he brewed it...” she spoke so quietly it was hard to hear her. She pulled her wand out of her robes and
waved it in the direction of Harry's door, casting a powerful Silencing Charm. “ Harry, we hear you. At night I mean,
that's why Severus brewed more potion for you. We know you need it.” Harry looked down while she spoke, suddenly
fascinated with the pattern on his bedspread.

“What-” Harry cleared his throat. “ What exactly do you hear at night?” He summoned all his Gryffindor courage and
looked into Rowen's eyes. All he saw reflected in them was concern and caring.

“Screams mostly... Voldemort's name sometimes. You mutter about fire sometimes.” Rowen broke off here, looking intently
into Harry's eyes. “Harry, I'm not so dim as to not put two and two together. I know you don't want to discuss it, but I
want you to know that should you tell me, I would never think less of you for it. We all have our stains that we hide
Harry. You don't think ill of me for mine do you?” Harry shook his head no quickly. He did not think any worse of Rowen
for her past, she had shown him nothing but unconditional love. Unconditional.

Tears welled up in Harry's eyes as he looked at her, he fought to repress them but failed. Rowen saw them, and scooted
up closer to where Harry had sat up. She wrapped her arms around him and began to slowly rock back and forth making
shushing noises as she let him cry.

“I ki-killed him... I let him burn for what seemed like hours, and I liked it. There was nothing but ash left Rowen. I
murdered him! Just like he did Mum, and Dad, worse even, because at least they didn't suffer!” Harry's voice broke down
as he spoke, his sentences coming out in a jerky manner. Rowen's hold just tightened, as she began to rub his back in a
maternal manner.

“Harry you mustn't torture yourself with it. He was evil, and hurt and killed so many people you care about. Rage is a
powerful emotion Harry, and revenge a great motivator. I would have been shocked if you did less.” Rowen spoke
soothingly, but with great conviction. She pulled back, looking down into Harry's eyes. “He would have done worse to you
had it been the other way around Harry. I'm not going to tell you that you didn't lose a small piece of your soul in the
deed, but living is the best revenge you could ever have.”

“I'm afraid...” Harry whispered, “Hermione doesn't know. No one does besides you and Ron and Dumbledore. I feel like
they see evil when they look at me now. I can't tell her, and have her look at me like that too.” Rowen smiled gently at
him, as he sat up and scrubbed at his face with his hands.

“Oh Harry. You are not evil. No mistake is so great that you can't turn back from it. I won't tell her, or anyone about
it if you'd like. I do think you should discuss it with her though. She loves you Harry, and nothing you can ever say or
do will change that.” Rowen spoke in a gentle tone. Just then her wand began to buzz gently. She glanced down at it as
if she had forgotten it's presence.

“That's Ria, she must be hungry. Harry, if you need anything at all, you know where I am, right?” Harry nodded in
response. Rowen rose and gave him a swift hug, dropping a kiss on his head. “Think about it, okay?” she whispered before
turning on her heel and striding out of the room.

Harry lay there after she left. It was a great relief to tell someone what had happened. Rowen understood because of who
and what she was. She had killed too, and she loved him. Unconditional. Still, Harry was wary of taking her advice and
telling Hermione. Would Hermione be able to so easily accept what he had done? She said she would be able to upon
hearing the prophecy, but Harry was unsure she would be able to deal with his manner of killing Voldemort. These
thoughts plagued him, as he absently reached out and took a swig of the potion on his bedside table before closing his
eyes tiredly.

A/N; Okay so Portkey is finally all caught up with the other sites I post on, so now you must wait! Mwhohahaha. Well....
wait for updates like everyone else anyway, actually I should have Chapter three up today or tomorrow, as I'm just
waiting on my beta to send it back to me... But I swear! After that once a week! Lol. Review, or I'll change my mind and
post Chapter three late....* evil cackle *

------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. The Florence Sun

A/N: Hey! Here it is shiny chapter three! I feel like I should give a little warning for this story. I have received
several reviews stating that they hope Harry will 'get over it' soon. I wanted to warn the readers that I am approaching
this story with the mindset that Harry is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( much like soldiers coming home
from war) so no, he will not be getting over it quickly. I'm sorry if this upsets some readers, but I hope you will give
the story a chance, especially as I've put copious amounts of research into this plot. It will not be completely dark,
this chapter is lighter than the previous two for instance. However it is labelled Angst for a reason. So if I've driven
anyone away, I'm sorry to lose you. For those continuing with me, big hugs for all of you! Enjoy!

Disclaimer : I own no rights to Harry Potter or any of JK Rowling's characters.

“So I'll hold tight to what I know,

You're here... and I'm never alone.”

Never Alone by The Barlow Girls

Chapter 3 - The Florence Sun

The remaining days before Harry and Hermione's trip to Italy passed in a blur of packing and research (in Hermione's
case). Harry enjoyed the flurry of activity, however, since it gave him little time to reflect on his recent thoughts.
Rowen kept a close eye on him, but not so close that he felt suffocated in any way. Harry was extremely grateful for her
silent support. The morning of August 4th dawned with everyone in the house rising early, as Harry and Hermione's
portkey was set to leave at 7 am. Harry had arranged for a portkey since apparition over such long distance consisted of
apparating oneself to different locations, which meant a total of several apparitions in a short time which could be
tiring. Harry had opted to just portkey to their location, it seemed much easier.

Downstairs, Rowen was setting breakfast on the table when Harry appeared, dressed in muggle clothes. Even though they
were going to a wizard convention, Florence was still a muggle community and Harry had packed more muggle clothes than
wizarding robes. Rowen greeted him warmly and as he sat his plate filled with breakfast, courtesy of Winky who was in
the kitchen. Hermione joined them shortly, and they all ate while discussing various places to see in Florence. When
they had finished eating Harry retrieved their bags from upstairs, shrinking them and placing them in the pocket of his
sweater. He also grabbed the portkey, and old tin can, which had been owled to him yesterday along with a note of when
it was due to go off.

Rowen was hugging Hermione when Harry came jogging down the stairs. He came to a stop in front of Rowen and Snape. Rowen
eyed him with some concern before pulling him too, into a great hug.

“You have everything you need Harry?” she questioned him as she pulled back. Harry nodded, thinking of the flask of
potion in his trunk. “ Well, just... be careful okay? And be good? We'll see you both in a week.” Rowen admonished them
gently, before stepping back to join Snape who merely nodded his goodbye. Harry held out the can to Hermione, who
grabbed it, her eyes shining with excitement that was almost contagious. At precisely 7 am they felt the familiar tug
behind their navels as the portkey activated.

When Harry had re-oriented himself, he looked around to see that they were in a hotel lobby, which was richly decorated
in golden tones, with marble floors shining under their feet and a high ceiling above their heads. A small wizard rushed
forward to greet them, his golden robes fluttering about him.

“Mr. Potter! Miss. Granger! Such a pleasure, such a pleasure!” his voice when he spoke was a bit squeaky, but at least
it was British. “ My name is Brayton Wickliff, I am one of the many Benvenutos here at Hotel Pendini! Come, come! Follow
me!” Mr. Wickliff spoke rather quickly, as he began to lead them down several twisting corridors which Harry barely
managed to look at before coming to a halt before a set of Mahogany doors. He flung them open rushing them in.

“Ah, here we are! The Leggero Room! Now! There is of course, a bedroom to the left off of the sitting room, and the
bathroom is located off of that. You are on the fourth floor, and just need a quick revealing charm at the end of this
hall to locate the elevators.” He paused to take a breath here, and Hermione, a confused look on her face interrupted
him.

“But... isn't Hotel Pendini a muggle hotel? My parents and I saw it when on our way to the Uffizi Gallery when we were
in Florence last!” she protested in a befuddled voice. Mr. Wickliff just chuckled at her question as he turned to look
at her as she spoke.

“Well, it is a muggle hotel. However, Muggles are only aware of three floors of it, and infact, the elevator must be
told to go to the fourth floor. The fourth floor is entirely magical and held for wizards only. Now if you need
anything, you hold out your wand like thus,” Mr. Wickliff held out his wand in front of him rather like a microphone, “
and say Benvenuto Brayton! And I will come! If you would like to order food, of course just call for Lurky, who is this
room's house elf! Anything else? Questions? No? Well! I must be off to greet the American wizards arriving shortly. I
hope you enjoy your stay!” Brayton had said all this with barely a pause in between and had hustled his short body over
to the door as he spoke. With his last words, he flung open the doors and gave them a small bow before exiting.

Harry and Hermione looked at each before bursting out laughing. “ Oh my! What an... interesting man!” Hermione exclaimed
between peals of laughter. When they had finally calmed down, they began to look around the room in awe. It was a
beautiful room, with walls painted in a delicate yellow that seemed to draw the sun in. There was a settee by the
fireplace in a pale blue, witch matched the two small chairs flanking a breakfast table by the window, which showed a
beautiful view of the Via Strozzi and you could see the shape of the cathedral in the distant horizon. By the door was a
mahogany table, which had a coat tree next to it. Harry heard Hermione call out to him from the bedroom.

The room, which Harry saw upon first glance, was decorated in much the same fashion as the sitting room, with yellow
walls and the bed done in blue. The bed looked like two twin brass frames pushed together to create one large bed. When
Harry sat upon it though, it was clear that the large bed consisted of one wide mattress however. He looked at Hermione
who was glaring at him.

“One bed, Harry? I thought you got a double room?” she asked with a slight tone of accusation.

“I did! I swear Hermione!” Harry blushed fiercely since it was clear what Hermione had thought he'd done. Seeing the
look of acute embarrassment on his face , she seemed to soften.

“Oh it doesn't matter Harry! We can handle sleeping in the same bed... right?” she said in a overconfident tone. Harry
nodded, while thinking of his nightmares. Thank Merlin for the potion! I'll have to get Snape something nice to thank
him for it. Hermione , in the meantime, had moved onto the bathroom. Harry lay back on the bed, feeling the warm
sunshine streaming through the windows.

“Hermione?” he called. “ You don't have any convention stuff today do you?” he asked when she popped her head into the
room.

“No, I'm not required to be there until tomorrow morning. Why?” she asked.

“I thought we could go explore a bit...” Harry stated wistfully, glancing out the window to the busy street below. “
Maybe get some lunch or something?” Hermione's face lit up at the suggestion, and she nodded enthusiastically.

“Just let me change first and we'll go!” she said brightly. She emerged a few minutes later in a summer dress, and they
headed out the door, down to the end of the hall, where Harry performed the revealing charm and the elevator doors
appeared . They stepped in, pressing the button for the lobby, where they headed straight out into the warm sunshine.

They spent most of the morning strolling along the Florence River, criss crossing it's various arched bridges, and just
soaking the culture in. Harry felt extremely comfortable here, as if the bright sunshine had chased any darkness
lingering about him away. Hermione, held onto his hand and laughed and talked with him, seeming to sense the subtle
change.

They lunched at a small bistro called Caffe' La Torre, eating at a small table outside in the Tuscan sun. Afterwards,
Hermione dragged Harry into the Uffizi Gallery, where she proceeded to march him from painting to painting giving brief
explanations for each. Harry was unsurprised that Hermione knew so much about Florence, as she and her parents were well
traveled. They had entered the Tribune Room of the gallery when Harry halted in front of a disturbing painting entitled
Slaughter of the Innocents. He could not seem to tear his eyes away from the depiction of death and the bodies of the
small children littering the canvas. Harry felt the darkness creeping up on him again, do he pleaded extreme tiredness
to Hermione, and she relented and said that they could come back some other day.

They spent a quiet evening in their rooms, with Harry just sitting in front of the fireplace, filled with good food,
while Hermione looked over her speech nervously.

“There's no need to be nervous you know,” Harry said mildly. “ You know the subject backwards and forwards. The
convention isn't in our hotel is it?”

“No, thank Merlin!” Hermione said with a smile. “ Can you imagine the service we'd get from Lurky if he heard about my
cause?” Harry smiled remembering their first encounter with the house elf just that afternoon. He was quite aptly named,
as he did seem to pop out of nowhere from behind, as if he had indeed been lurking all along.

“Well, let's head to bed.” Harry yawned. “ You have a big day ahead of you.” Hermione nodded absentmindedly as he spoke.

“I'll be in in a minute, Harry. I just want to correct a few things..” as she spoke she began to scribble furiously on
her parchment, Harry just shook his head before entering the bedroom. He changed into his pajama bottoms and taking a
quick swig of his Dreamless Sleep potion before crawling into bed. I wonder if Hermione has a side... he thought
drowsily. Hermione entered at that moment, giving him a nervous smile before disappearing into the bathroom, emerging a
short while later and quickly climbing into bed. They lay there a few moments in tense silence, their bodies laying
ridged on the outskirts of the mattress. Finally Harry heard Hermione's trademark huff.

“This is ridiculous! We have been dating for almost a year, we shouldn't be this nervous!” her voice was irritated as
she spoke. Harry chuckled in response.

“ Only natural I suppose. We're not used to it yet.” Harry replied. Hermione's face took on a surprised expression at
the yet but was distracted as Harry had rolled over and pulled her into his body. He wrapped both arms around her and
gave her a small kiss, before telling her to go to sleep. They both lay down, comforted by the warmth of the embrace
before quickly falling asleep.

After the first day, it seemed as if Harry and Hermione fell into an easy pattern. They would rise and breakfast early,
then Hermione would leave for her convention activities during the day. Harry would wander the streets of Florence,
shopping and just taking it all in, and they would meet again in the evening for supper. They days passed in a pleasant
haze of sunshine, good food, and even better company. Hermione had naturally, done brilliantly on her speech, and each
night she would share her day with Harry, including any interesting lectures she had attended. Harry would listen
attentively, well almost always attentively, and they would discuss it over dinner.

Harry found himself visiting the Uffizi Gallery almost daily, where he would just sit and contemplate the different
paintings. He never went back to the Tribute room, however. His favorite paintings were the different depictions of The
Adoration of the Magi, which depicted the many people paying homage to the baby Jesus. His favorite version of this was
Leonardo DaVinci's. He also spent a great deal of time, just strolling about the many bridges of Florence. The vistas on
the river were perhaps his favorite part of Florence.

Sooner than they ever felt possible, their last day was upon them. Hermione's convention had ended in the afternoon, and
they had gone for one last walk before getting dressed for dinner. Harry was taking Hermione out on their last evening
in Italy. They had supper in a beautiful restaurant, and afterward had strolled, hand in hand along the river. The full
moon hung low in the sky, and the lights from the many buildings lining the river, reflected off of the water.

“It's so beautiful Harry” Hermione sighed as they paused, leaning against the railing that lined the walkway. Harry
looked at her as her face reflected the moonlight.

“Yes, it is.” he said softly. Hermione leaned into him, kissing him under the Tuscan moon, as Harry wished that they
could stay there forever. He had felt almost normal again this week, no one had questioned him, or judged him. He had
just been left alone, with Hermione. As he stared up at the full moon, knowing that they must return tomorrow, his heart
was filled with regret. Regret for what he hadn't shared with Hermione yet, regret for leaving this beautiful place that
had been his sanctuary this week, but a small corner of his heart felt hope. Hope that everything would be alright in
the end, and he and Hermione could return here one day, to bask in the sun again.

A/N2: I know! Oy with the A/N's already! But I thought I'd provide links for the paintings Harry and Hermione saw.....

The Slaughter of the Innocent - http://www.virtualuffizi.com/uffizi/img/1429.jpg

The Adoration of the Magi - http://www.virtualuffizi.com/uffizi/img/1594.jpg

Don't forget to review!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. Dream of Things to Come

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I write for practice not profit.

“After all there's only just the two of us

And here we are still fighting for our lives

Watching all of history repeat itself,

Time after time.”

Dreamer – Ozzy Osbourne

Chapter 4 - Dream of Things to Come

While Harry was happy to see Rowen, Ria, and maybe even Snape again, the days that passed before beginning of term
seemed to fly by. Harry secretly dreaded the thought of returning to the school, and the stares of students. Hermione,
on the other hand was ecstatic to go back to school, and had been since receiving her letter.

“Head Girl! Oh Harry, my own dorms, and I just can't believe it!” she practically squealed in his ear. Harry just
smiled, he was genuinely happy for her.

“I wonder who got Head Boy? Since I don't really think it would be Ron.” Harry almost sniggered while saying this.
Hermione, however didn't hear that and just answered him.

“It's never two people from the same house anyway, so it'd have to be a Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff or Slytherin.” she said
thoughtfully. “ No matter! We'll find out when school starts right?” she gave him an excited hug, and started to talk
about the new school year, as Harry did all he could to hide the panic on his face.

That had been a week ago, and Harry's feeling of unease about the school year wouldn't let up. The last thing he wanted
was to be subjected to all the attention he would undoubtedly receive. If he thought Rowen would ever allow it, he would
have taken his N.E.W.T's then and there, and just never return to Hogwart's. Harry felt a twinge of guilt at that
thought, Hogwart's had been his home for six years, he would miss it a great deal when the time came to actually leave.

September was fast approaching, and it seemed nothing Harry could do would slow the passage of time. It was the last
night of August, and they were all having dinner together for the last time.

“I believe I will actually miss this a great deal.” said Rowen wistfully, eating with one hand and holding Ria in the
other arm. Harry watched her juggle the two with the ease of practice. He shoveled his last mouthful of spaghetti (one
of Winky's specialties ) and swallowed in haste. He tasted an surprisingly bitter aftertaste, he grimaced. I must have
swallowed one of the bay leaves, he thought absently. Harry hated the taste of them, and was usually very meticulous in
picking them out.

“Here Rowen, I'm finished, I'll hold Ria while you eat.” Harry offer, holding his arms out . Rowen passed him the baby
with a thankful look, and Harry cradled her to his chest. Conversation flowed around him, but Harry didn't pay any
attention. His focus was riveted by the tiny creature in his arms. Ria, who was now almost four months old, was the one
constantly bright spot for Harry. No mater how bad he felt, it all seemed to melt away when this small baby was in his
arms. She smiled at him, trying to grab his glasses, kicking her legs furiously as she did so. Harry leaned back a bit,
so she couldn't reach, and grinned at her.

“She loves you so much Harry. You realize how much you'll have to come visit? She'll hardly let you leave!” Rowen's soft
voice teased him from across the table. Harry looked up and grinned at her. He noticed Hermione's wistful expression as
she watched him with Ria.

“Well, I suppose I could take time to come visit. I'm a very busy person you know, though.” Harry responded in a teasing
voice. Rowen smiled at him . Throughout the whole exchange Snape had just leaned back in his chair, watching.

“There really is no accounting for taste is there?” his voice shot out silkily “That you would be one of my daughter's
favorite people.” Harry just smiled at him, a summer of living with Snape had taught him that the potions teacher had
his own particular brand of humor, and Harry never took anything he said seriously.

Harry glanced down at Ria, who was beginning to show signs of dropping off. Her eyes were drifting closed, and Harry
looked at her cherubic little face for a bit. “ Well, even though she's your daughter,” he said to Snape, “ she is still
the most beautiful girl I've seen..” Hermione and Rowen just arched their brows at him for a moment, before laughing
softly and agreeing.

“Well, beautiful thing that she is, she's tired. So I am going to go put her to bed.” Rowen said softly, getting up and
taking the baby from him, before exiting the room. Snape left as well , to help her.

“So Harry, most beautiful girl? Really?” Hermione's eyes teased him as she moved closer. Harry blushed, and stammered in
response.

“Well, sure most beautiful girl, not the most beautiful woman I know though.” Harry responded with a smirk. Hermione
just rolled her eyes and smacked his arm.

“Train station tomorrow,” she stated softly. “I can't wait to get back...” she sighed, a dreamy look crossing her face.
Suddenly, her expression dimmed, as she remembered exactly what types of memories awaited Harry at Hogwart's. “ Oh
Harry, I wasn't think-”

Harry cut her off with a shake of his head. “It's alright Hermione, it'll be fine I'm sure...” he trailed off, the tone
of his voice was hardly convincing. “ Well, we have an early start tomorrow right? We should head to bed as I'm sure
you'll be up beyond early tomorrow!” Hermione glared as he spoke. She nodded however and agreed to go turn in early.

As Harry lay in bed that evening his thoughts were preoccupied with thoughts of the coming school year. How am I going
to do this? Keep everything from Hermione? It's already so hard to look her in the eyes knowing I'm keeping something
from her... I have to tell her. Harry thought with resolve. And I will, on the train tomorrow if I can get some time
alone with her. Happy to have made a decision, Harry felt his eyes drift shut, as he fell asleep with a bitter taste
still lingering in his mouth.

When Harry opened his eyes, he saw a small girl peeking over the edge of his bed. She looked to be about four years old,
with long red hair and shining black eyes. Harry jumped back, startled, and the small imp grinned widely.

“Uncle Harry!” she spoke with a slight lisp. “ Daddy said that you were sleeping and Mommy said to leave you alone, so I
was gonna just play, but then Miney said I should wake you up cause you've slept far too long and if she doesn't sleep
you shouldn't!” the girl spoke all of this without taking a breath and when she stopped finally, she drew in a deep
breath. The door opened behind her, and Harry looked up to see Hermione's face. A great sense of relief swept through
him.

“Hermione! I woke up and there was this-” Harry's voice trailed off as he saw a older, very pregnant Hermione walked, er
, waddled in. Harry's eyes almost popped out of his head as he stared at her. She just smiled at him with confusion and
came over to sit on the bed.

“Ria, honey, you should go see what Daddy is up to. I believe he was going to brew some new potions this morning, I'm
sure he requires your assistance.” Hermione said in a gentle tone. The little girl, Ria?, nodded eagerly and scampered
out of the room. What the bloody hell is going on? Why is Ria four? And Hermione is... is... PREGNANT?!!! Harry shook
his head, hoping his vision would clear and correct itself, but everything about Hermione was the same when he had
finished.

“Hermione, what the hell is going on? We're ... school tomorrow... what? You're...” Harry waved his hands indicating her
rather large belly.. Slowly Hermione's look of extreme confusion cleared to a look of dawning comprehension.

“Oh Merlin Harry! You're first vision! Dammit! You know if you had told me more about them I'd have been able to figure
this out sooner! So typical of you Harry , keeping everything to yourself! Never mind, we haven't got much time, only a
few more minutes at a guess. It's three years after we graduated Hogwart's Harry-” Hermione spoke in a rushed tone, but
Harry interrupted her.

“So... I married you right? I mean we didn't... We're not..” Harry stuttered anxiously, looking at Hermione. She smiled
softly, despite her annoyance at the interruption. She held up her left hand for him to inspect., where Harry saw a gold
band sitting on her finger topped by a modest engagement ring.

“Yes, we got married Harry. We've been married for two years, you actually proposed... never mind, we don't have time,
and it'll ruin it anyway. The point is, Harry is you told me to tell you something specific when this happened. Harry
you have to research the Knights of Walpurgis.. tell no one! Dumbledore can help, and I know it's hard but they're not
all gone... they're here in this ti-” That was the last thing he heard Hermione's increasingly frantic voice speak
before he awoke with a start to the early dawn light of his bedroom.

Was that just a dream? Or something else? It had seemed so real to Harry at the time, but he had done nothing to bring
on a vision ... of the future, if that's what he could call it. Knights of Walpurgis... Harry didn't know what it meant,
but he knew that he would have to have a long talk with Hermione today, before returning to school. No time like the
present... he thought as he heaved himself out of bed to get dressed and wake Hermione. He was not looking forward to
this talk...

A/N: Okay, shorter chapter, but everyone still loves me for updating right? I told myself this wouldn't turn into an
Action/Adventure, but it seems to be not listening to me... Grrr. Ah well, I might have to change the genre.... again,
lol. So review, cause I seriously do write quicker the more reviews I get!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. At Last...

A/N: Ok, I know this is a bit late... sorry! But It was my birthday on Monday, so I was distracted by weeklong
festivities, lol. Alright... this chapter does have a NC-17 over at Witherwings.net where the story has a higher rating.
http://www.witherwings.net/fanfiction/viewuser.php?uid=2 link to my author page there. I wanted to write two versions,
so I could keep all my readers happy! So enjoy, and as always , review!

Disclaimer: I write for practice not profit. I do not own Harry Potter.

' You're the only one,

I'd be with til the end.

When I come undone

You bring me back again.'

Fall to Pieces by Avril Lavigne

Chapter Five - At Last...

Harry crept slowly up the hall towards Hermione's room. The sun had not quite risen yet, and it was that period between
day and night that filled the hall with pale blue light. When Harry stood before Hermione's door, he paused momentarily.
He didn't know what to say to her, but he knew if he didn't say it now he might never say it. He reached out slowly and
gripped the cold metal of her doorknob. It turned easily and silently under his hand, the quiet in the room remained
undisturbed as Harry crossed the threshold and entered Hermione's room.

Closing the door behind him, Harry turned to watch her laying under her covers. Her face was so relaxed in sleep that he
didn't want to disturb her in anyway, especially in the way he was about to. Harry stared at her, silent and briefly
considered turning back. I told Rowen because I knew no matter what she would accept it. Why can't I trust that Hermione
loves me in the same way? Harry thought to himself. I know that I love Hermione enough to forgive her anything... I need
to give her more credit when it comes to me. I have to do this. Harry was so deeply engrossed in his thoughts, that he
had not seen Hermione's eyes blink open, and widen upon seeing him at the side of her bed. She reached out a hand and
touched his face and Harry jumped, startled.

“Merlin Hermione! You terrified me!” he gasped out. “ Warn me before you do something like that!” Hermione just arched a
delicate brow at him, and chuckled softly.

“I scared you? Who snuck into whose room in the dead of night here?!” she demanded softly.

“Well, it's hardly the dead of night” Harry responded dryly, stalling for time before she realized that it must be
serious to bring him here at this time. Hermione was, as usual, three steps ahead of him though.

“Harry what's wrong? Is something the matter? Did something happen?” she questioned rapidly. Harry looked down and
sighed softly.

“I came here, because I had to talk to you. I mean, I was planning on speaking to you soon anyway, but then something
happened and I had to do it sooner, and I thought I'd come in here since I didn't know if I'd have time to get you alone
before the train...” Harry stopped upon finally seeing the look of extreme confusion and concern on Hermione's face. She
smiled encouragingly, and just sat waiting for him to continue, as if she instinctively knew to just let him talk.

“Hermione, I love you. I am so sorry that I've kept all of this from you, but I didn't trust your love for me enough.
Which is awful, I know, and my only excuse is that I'm not accustomed to being loved and sharing my burdens. Which is
just that, an excuse, and a lousy one at that.” Harry spoke in a low voice, not daring to look at Hermione until he had
gotten everything out.

“ When I saw Voldemort hit you that night, it was as if a monster had erupted inside of me. You fell, and I didn't know
if you were alive, or alright... That moment felt like it lasted forever Hermione. All I felt was a burning rage inside
of me and I directed all of it the only place I could, at Voldemort. Hermione, how do you think I killed him?” Harry
looked up finally, and saw only bewildered concern on Hermione's face. There was a touch of hurt in her eyes too, and
this made Harry's guilt grow a bit larger.

“I – assumed I suppose, the new killing curse that Lupin taught you...” Hermione trailed off, unease written clearly on
her face.

“I did use that curse on Malfoy's father, but I was just surviving then, you know. Living to get to Voldemort...” Harry
sighed softly, feeling weariness seep into his very bones. “ I didn't kill him that way Hermione. I set him on fire, and
burned him alive and watched him die.” Harry's voice was flat as he spoke, as if he were reciting potions ingredients or
speaking of something that he had read about, not experience. Hermione gasped slightly beside him, but remained quiet
and only gripped Harry's hand in hers.

“ I enjoyed it a bit, you know? Knowing that he suffered so much more than my Mum or Dad. A quick, painless curse would
have been too good for him, do you understand? And now, it's like I've never killed him at all... it haunts my dreams
and I hear him – screaming- when I'm awake. I had to take Dreamless Sleep potions every night, just to keep it from
everyone. I feel like I don't fit in my own skin anymore, I don't know what to do...” Harry's voice had remained flat
during this exchange, no emotion creeping into his voice. Harry felt Hermione pull him up onto the bed at this point,
and felt her hand grip his tighter, but she still said nothing.

“And – I kept thinking of how I was a murderer and no one understood that! I mean, I didn't deserve to be accoladed for
killing someone. Who would want to be reminded of that daily? All I could think, was that if you knew, you'd see what I
was. That – that I wasn't a good person and you wouldn't want to look at me anymore, and I needed for you to look at me
just as you always have, do you understand? Dumbledore and Ron watched what happened, and I can't even look at Ron
anymore because I see that he thinks of it when he sees me. As for Dumbledore, all I feel around him is angry. Like he
somehow did this to me. All I knew was that if I lost you- Hermione, if I lost you...” Harry's voice finally cracked as
he turned to look at her. “ I can't loose you Hermione. I would – I wouldn't know what to do..” Harry's voice, thick
with unshed tears, trailed off as if unsure what to do or say.

Hermione grabbed his face in both her hands and forced him to look at her. “ No one leaves, remember Harry? I would
never leave you, I don't care if you came in here and told me you liked killing him so much that you decided to take
over as the next Dark Lord, do you understand? I would stay with you through anything, because I can't be without you.
Voldemort was a foul, evil twisted man. I don't care if you pinned him down and cut him open bit by bit. He's dead, and
that's all that matters now. He's gone, and he can't come back. You can't let him haunt you, I won't let him. He ruined
our lives for the last six years, more in your case, and he will not continue to do so.” Hermione's voice washed over
him, almost scary in it's intensity. She had wrapped her arms around him as she spoke pulling so close to him that he
almost felt as if there were no ending and beginning between them. Harry felt something deep inside of him relax at her
words.

“I'm so sorry Mione,” Harry's voice was muffled by her hair, as he buried his face into her neck. “ I should have told
you right away, I'm so sorry I hurt you..” Hermione made soft soothing noises in the back of her throat as she tried to
pull him closer. At some point Harry's fear and need to be reassured of her presence lessened, and he began to feel
again. He could feel her arms wrapped around him, and her neck against his face, the skin there so soft. He could smell
her and breathed deeply to somehow trap the scent with him forever. Hermione's breath quickened as he moved his face
closer.

She pulled back slightly looking down at him, her brown eyes filled with love. “I love you so much Harry...” she
whispered brokenly. Harry moved upwards to kiss her, and felt for the first time in months as if he were safe. As their
mouths met and fused, he could feel a soft sigh escape Hermione's lips. Harry wrapped one arm behind her to pull her
closer, and felt one hand go to the back of her head. When his mouth left hers, he began to trail kisses down her neck,
as Hermione sighed softly and her breathing became more rapid if possible. Harry felt his own heart thunder in response,
as heat uncoiled it self to sit low in his body. Hermione's hands slipped under his shirt, and they felt cool against
his heated skin. As they brushed over him, he shivered involuntarily. Hermione grasped the edges of his shirt and
pulled, throwing it aside, before doing the same to herself. Harry stopped just staring as he looked down at her. She
was so beautiful.

“Hermione...” he managed to croak out in a somewhat questioning tone.

“Shh, Harry. Let me love you, please.” she whispered as she pulled him down to her. Harry sank down, forgetting
everything except her and how she felt against him as the sun broke over the horizon.

Harry lay there awestruck afterwards, holding Hermione close and trying to calm his breathing, for once feeling nothing
but utter peace seep through his very soul. The sheets tangled around their bodies as Harry gazed down at Hermione in
absolute wonder. “ I love you so much you know,” he whispered kissing the top of her head. He was surprised when she
answered, since he thought she was asleep.

“ I know Harry.” she said softly. “ No more secrets though, alright? I don't want you to have to go through any of this
alone.” She snuggled into his arms more deeply as she spoke. Harry felt himself reminded of the vision as she spoke. He
had forgotten in the , uh, heat of the moment.

“Hermione, I forgot one thing...” he began to speak about the strange vision he had earlier that night. He briefly
considered leaving out her being pregnant out, but felt he owed Hermione the whole truth at all times, especially now
that they were so much closer after tonight. Hermione listened with interest, waiting for him to finish before speaking.

“The Knights of Walpurgis... Harry, I know I've read that name somewhere. Even if we do discover who they are though,
what does it mean? A warning? And you said I referred to it as you first vision. Clearly we have to figure out why it
happened tonight, and try to reproduce it to get more information...” she sighed, frustrated. Harry wondered that she
didn't mention any of the personal details of the vision, but was more than willing to ignore it for the time being.

“Well, maybe we could ask Snape and Rowen about the Knights? As for the vision, I'm sure we'll figure out how to
reproduce it. There must have been something I did differently last night to trigger it.” Harry had a niggling feeling
he was forgetting something but brushed the thought aside as Hermione moved beside him, her skin brushing his.

“Well, imminent danger in the future aside, we have to get up and finish packing. Rowen will be waking you up soon, we
have to leave early for the train you know.” Hermione stated in a matter of fact voice as she moved to get up. Harry
grabbed her and pulled her back into his arms, though, kissing her thoroughly.

“Thank you.” he whispered as he pulled away. “ For understanding, and for – just for loving me I guess.” he finished
sheepishly. Hermione smiled at him softly.

“I always will Harry.” she spoke softly, and they lay there holding one another, soaking up the moment before they had
to move forward with the day.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. Train of Fools

A/n: Ok! I am so sorry that I haven't updated on time with this chapter, but my husband just left for Katrina relief
(he's military) and I didn't get to write for a while, plus my beta is back in school... evil school, so my update time
frame might be a bit longer from now on.... but it'll still be within a week or two. I'm not going to turn into one of
those every few month updaters! So thanks to Alex for betaing it! And Enjoy! And review, cause I'll respoond, I always
do!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I write for practice not profit.

'The road is long

With many a winding turn.

That leads us to who knows where

Who knows when.'

Neil Diamond, He ain't Heavy, He's my Brother

Chapter 6 - Train of Fools

Harry collapsed against his seat, exhausted. Across from him sat Ron, who was sitting and strangely silent. Luna
accompanied him, but as usual her face was hidden beneath an upside down copy of The Quibbler. The trip to the Hogwart's
Express had been a rushed and disrupted one. Twice they had to turn back, first because Harry had forgotten Hedwig's
cage, and second because Hermione had forgotten her journal. When they finally arrived at Platform 9 3/4's, the train
had been ready to pull away. Harry and Hermione had rushed aboard, Hermione dragging Harry to Ron's compartment and
shoving him and all their things into it before heading off for the Prefect's meeting.

So Harry sat quietly for a moment, uncomfortable with the silence between he and Ron. What am I supposed to say to him?
Hey, how was your summer? Oh by the way, I was just a tad depressed/bitter/angry at my party, so sorry for ignoring you?
Harry struggled to think of something to say to Ron as he stared out of the compartment window. His thoughts were
interrupted however, by Luna finally glancing up and her shout of laughter. Both Harry and Ron jerked their heads up and
stared at her, as she continued to laugh so hard she was clutching her sides.

“Oh, Ron! I'm so sure that the two of you are thinking exactly the same things.. if you could see the identical little
expressions on your face...” Luna gasped out. Suddenly she sat up, completely serious once again. “ I suggest you two
work this out by the time Hermione gets back, as she'll be really angry if you don't.” she stated in her usual dreamy
tone before burying her face in her magazine once again. Harry's eyes widened at the thought of what Hermione would say
to them if they still hadn't made it up when she got back. Glancing over, he saw a similar look of fear on Ron's face.

“Well, er, Harry. I'll say many things about Hermione, but she's a right terror to deal with when she's angry. What do
you say?” Ron's voice was hesitant as he spoke. Harry stared at him a moment before grinning at him.

“Well, I love her and even I don't like dealing with her angry!” Harry spoke in a wry tone. Ron chuckled roughly at this
statement. “ Seriously Ron... this summer, I was – well... I didn't-”

“Don't worry about it Harry! I don't even want to consider how I'd be if I was you!” Ron spoke quickly. Harry heard Luna
snort from behind her magazine, followed by a muttered comment about Ron's temper being more than enough to deal with.
The tips of Ron's ears turned red at this, as he glared over at his girlfriend. “You know, Luna, the whole point of
saying something under your breath is so that others won't hear it!” Ron spoke in a mock angry voice. Luna just peeked
over her magazine and blew Ron a kiss in response.

“Ron, I do want to apologize though. You did nothing to me specifically, it's more that you were there, you know? I
really am sorry.” Harry spoke lowly, as Ron just waved it off with his hand.

“So, how was your trip to Italy?” Ron asked, waggling his ginger eyebrows suggestively. Harry laughed and began filling
Ron in on his summer thus far. Ron interjected with such gems of wisdom as 'Lurky?!! Oh man, - house elf named Lurky!
That's just too-' he was cut off at that point by his laughter. When Harry moved on to his vision however, Ron's face
became serious, and Luna's appeared as she lowered her magazine.

“Well, “ stated Luna in a soft voice, “what did Rowen and Snape say when you asked them?” Harry looked startled at this
question.

“Well, er, I forgot to ask, actually.” he admitted. “We were so rushed this morning because I kept forgetting things,
and Hermione and I overslept. I was so tired due to lack of sleep-” Harry was cut off by Ron's expression of mischievous
glee.

“Really?! Why'd you oversleep? Exactly what kept you up all night hmm?” Ron asked in a voice dripping with innuendo.
Harry felt himself flush, as Luna became his unlikely savior.

“Didn't he just say he had a vision? I'm sure it woke him, and he spoke to Hermione about it.” she answered in a
somewhat dry tone. Ron's face fell.

“Oh, well. Yeah. So has Hermione come up with anything yet? I'm sure the library will be her first stop after the
sorting!” Ron said in a disgusted tone. Harry just shook his head.

“For your information Ronald Weasly, I will not be going straight to the library. I have my Head Girl duties to consider
you know.” Hermione stated as she slid the compartment door shut behind her. She collapsed next to Harry, and leaned
back against the seat, her expression annoyed. “ We'll go tomorrow after class.” she finished quickly. Harry stifled his
laugh at this.

“So, how'd the meeting go?' Harry asked in a concerned tone. He didn't think that Hermione's expression was caused by
Ron alone.

“Ugh, so ridiculous! I swear the Syltherin's get more annoying each year! To top it off; Ernie Macmillan is Head Boy, so
I have to deal with his annoying 'I know what's best and am the most wonderful Head Boy to grace this earth' prattle!”
Hermione huffed as she spoke. Harry winced in sympathy. Ernie Macmillan was another Fudge in the making, and Harry had
dealt with him more than enough during the DA in fifth year. He reached out and stroked Hermione's back soothingly. She
leaned into his touch, and seemed to relax a bit.

“Anyway, it's beyond the point. We have to start researching this Walpurgis thing as soon as possible. And that includes
you Ron!” Hermione said, glaring in Ron's direction. Ron flushed at her implication.

“Of course I'm going to help! But we shouldn't just go off half cocked either! We should actually talk to Snape about it
first!” Ron stopped, aghast. “I- I- can't believe I just said that!” Harry grinned over at Ron.

“Just proves that your finally accepting that Plan Step Daddy worked Ron!” Harry stated in a teasing tone. Ron just
glowered at him. At that moment, conversation was cut short however, as the trolley Witch came by, and Harry nearly
bought the whole lot. He and Hermione fell on the food, as they had skipped breakfast in their hurry this morning. The
compartment was filled with companionable silence as everyone ate, which was later broken by talk of their last school
year, lack of the threat of Voldemort, and what their plans were after graduation.

The train finally came to a halt at the Hogsmeade station there was the usual clamor for trunks, and they poured out
onto the platform. Harry was heading towards the thestral pulled carriages when he heard a strong voice calling out for
the first years. It was Professor Grubby-Plank, who Harry assumed would be taking over Hagrid's position this year.
Harry felt a pallor cast over the day that had seemed so bright just moments ago.

As Harry trudged towards the carriages, he pulled himself up in one and sat down. He remained silent the entire trip to
the school, as he stared out the window. Despite his high hopes for this year, he had almost forgotten what the defeat
of Voldemort had cost him last year. Hagrid would never be here, never again. Harry felt his stomach sink at thought of
no more Hagrid, no more tea at his hut, and no more rock cakes to pretend to eat. Harry's spirits began to sink the
closer they drew to the school, passing by the very field that had held the final battle not three months ago. Harry
stared out at the expanse blindly, feeling only a small warm hand slip into his and hold on tightly.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----

Harry sat through the sorting sullenly, hardly paying attention to the sorting hat's song. It's not like it's advice
helped us any last year he thought bitterly. His dark thoughts however were overcome by the loud sound emitting from
Ron's stomach and Hermione's huffs and eye rolls at each one.

“Honestly Ron! You'd swear you were never fed, when I know for a fact that you just consumed your own wight in Chocolate
Frogs!” Hermione snapped across the table at Ron. Ron's face turned red as he mumbled and looked down at the tabletop.

“Hermione, what is wrong with you? Ron is always hungry, and it's not as though he can help his stomach.” Harry
admonished gently. Hermione had the grace to look slightly ashamed as she shot an apologetic look at Ron.

“Ron, I'm sorry... I just want this year to go well. I'm Head Girl and I guess I'm just nervous.” Hermione stated
softly. Ron and Harry just looked at her as she spoke.

“Hermione, you're going to be a fantastic Head Girl! You've been preparing since first year!” Ron stated, shocked.
Hermione shot him a small smile, which grew wider when the food magically appeared and Ron completely forgot everyone
around him as he shoveled the food onto his plate. He looked up at Harry and Hermione's sudden laughter. “What's so
funny?” he asked in a bewildered tone. Harry just chuckled harder.

“Well, I guess we missed Dumbledore's speech” Harry piled food on his plate as he spoke. He glanced at Hermione, who
appeared to be lost in thought. Suddenly her face lit up.

“Oh! I think I've just remembered- but I'd have to check it out... and I can't go to the library right now!” Hermione
wailed. She turned and grabbed Harry's arm forcefully. “Harry you have to go to the library for me. I need you to look
up Dumbledore's defeat of Grindelwald, and Voldemort's first rise to power.” Harry must have looked a bit reluctant
because Hermione's tone became more determined. “ You can take Ron with you! He'll help!” Harry heard a choking sound
coming from Ron's direction at that statement. He sighed heavily.

“Alright Hermione. I'll go after dinner. I'm assuming this has something to do with...” Harry trailed off significantly.
Hermione nodded frantically.

“Go now! I'll meet you there as soon as I can!” As Hermione spoke she practically pushed Harry off the bench. Harry
reluctantly stood and looked at Ron who did everything to avoid Harry's gaze. Hermione delivered a swift kick to his
shins under the table however, and Ron jumped up.

“Fine! Fine! I'm going! Just tell Luna where I went alright?” Ron spoke while standing. Hermione nodded in response, and
gave them both a proud grin as they turned and walked out the entrance to the great hall. “Mental Harry. I've said it
before and I'll say it again. Your girlfriend is mental!”

A few hours later Harry and Ron could be found hunched over and bleary eyed in the deserted library. Even Madame Pince
isn't here right now Harry thought tiredly. Ron was slumped over a book across from him, half asleep and half awake
muttering about the great Albus Dumbledore. Harry smiled, and glanced back down at the book he was currently reading The
Rise and Fall of the Dark Ages. As Harry flipped through it's pages the phrase 'the Knights of Walpurgis' leaped out at
him. Harry halted his flipping and gazed down at the book in shock.

“Ron!” Harry hissed. “RON!” Across the table Ron jerked awake. He saved himself just before he fell off his chair, and
as he righted himself he glared at Harry.

“What?” Ron hissed back. Though the library was empty, save the two of them, they both spoke in hushed tones, as all the
library portraits had been eying them with distrust since they entered the cavernous room.

“I found it! I mean, them. Right here!” Harry jabbed at the page as he spoke in an excited whisper. He glanced down and
began to read aloud.

“The Knights of Walpurgis, so named after the Dark Lord Grindelwald initiated his Dark Reign on April 30 1932, on
Walpurgis night, were the followers of Grindelwald. Grindelwald himself was defeated in 1945 by the great Albus Percival
Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. It has been rumored however that his followers remained true to their cause and would gather
yearly on April 30 to celebrate their cause. This theory has been wildly speculated upon, and mostly scoffed at.
However, nearly thirty years later when Voldemort rose to power, his followers were also known as Knights. Many scholars
theorize that Voldemort himself might have been an original Knight of Grindelwald's, but this theory has never been
proved. Only after an attack on the Ministry of Magic in 1979 did Voldemort's followers change their name to
Deatheater's, believing this would cause a great impact of fear on the general public. The Knights are named after the
Saint Walpurga, who lived in..” Harry stopped reading here.

“It just goes on from there about this Saint whoever..” Harry trailed off and looked up at Ron who was wide awake now,
and paying full attention.

“These guys worked for Grindelwald and Voldemort? Harry.... this is bad. Really bad.” Ron's voice was worried as he
spoke.

Harry looked at him before standing up saying “We need to find Hermione.”