Crash and Burn

Placid Destruction

Rating: PG
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 5
Published: 17/08/2005
Last Updated: 17/08/2005
Status: completed

One-shot. Because James Potter is such a good friend, he gives his best friend three chances to get Lily Evans to see him for who he really is. Good idea? Probably not. Sirius Black looks back on his failed attempts to help his best friend get the girl of his dreams.

Chapters

1. untitled

1. untitled

Crash and Burn

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

Summary: Sirius Black looks back on his failed attempts to help his best friend get the girl of his dreams.

(A/N: Set in fifth year.)

I, Sirius Black, have a problem. That problem is my best friend, James Potter.

I've known James since first year. Well, technically I've known him for as long as I can remember, but I didn't actually get to know him until first year because of… parents with control issues.

Of course, we didn't get along from the beginning. We were from two opposite sides of the Wizarding world, but eventually we figured out our differences and came to find that we had more in common than we thought. Thus, our friendship began.

James and I have been through thick and thin together. We've pranked countless Slytherins, formed the infamous Marauders, studied to become Animagi (Shh! It's a secret!), and suffered through countless detentions together. Yes, you could call us best friends if you wish, but I prefer “Sirius and James- Partners in Crime”. I know that sounds like something on a wanted poster, but the ironic thing about that is that that is exactly where my parents expect to see me: on a wanted poster.

I did not come up with that title to please my parents. On the contrary, they want me to be wanted for doing something awful like murdering Muggles, but what I do is something they consider childish (although even I'll admit that it is, which makes it all the more fun). As Marauders, our job is to cause as much discomfort as possible to any Slytherins or any others we dislike. You see, this proves to be problematic in my parents' eyes because we are pranking the exact people I am supposed to be getting along with: the bad guys, you might say.

Of course, all of my rambling about my parents has a point. The point is that even with my many disagreements with my family, I never fail to bounce right back with the help of a certain James Potter. James has helped me cope with the situations at home, and he always seems to know what to do to make me feel better.

We prank, we maraud, and we wreak havoc on Hogwarts just because it's there. We get along so well. So how is it that James is a problem? Well, it may not be James so much that is the problem but a certain redheaded Gryffindor by the name of Lily Evans.

The effect she has on my dear friend is so unusual that I have taken to sporting a theory that she may be part veela. Unfortunately, this theory has yet to be tested and nothing has been determined. This “girl” as she tends to call herself has done nothing to spur any interest James may have in her, yet he seems to be falling for her at an alarming rate. The thought that maybe one-day I may lose him to her does not sit well in my mind, and so I've decided to do something.

Of course I'd noticed that James was a prat. Granted, I may not have noticed it until after Lily had mentioned it two or three hundred times, but after I sat down and thought about it, I realised she had been right. I remember the night I realised it. James and I were sitting in the common room by the fire after having seen Evans storm up to her dormitory after rejecting him once again.

“Why does she keep calling me a prat?” he had asked me.

“I don't know,” I replied automatically.

But then I actually started thinking. Why did she always say that? There had to be a reason. Sure, James seemed very sure of himself, he never turned down an opportunity to show off, he tortured Snape in front of tons of people at a time because Snape hexed him when nobody was looking, and… oh. Everything clicked.

“Prongs,” I said loudly. “You're a prat.”

The expression on James's face was not one I've often seen on him. It was one of confusion and pain, of distress and agony. He looked, well, lost.

“Not you too, Padfoot,” he whined. “What has Evans been feeding you?”

And so, I took up the role of a Muggle advice columnist. You know, the kind they print in the Daily Prophet every now and then so that people like me with a twisted sense of humour can read them and have a good laugh at some Muggles' expenses. I explained to him exactly what I meant.

“When she says you're a prat,” I explained. “She means just that: you are a prat. You don't care about the feelings of others and you don't stop to think that you may be offending someone. You just do what you do without thinking of the consequences.”

“That's not true! I-”

“Shut up and listen!”

He got quiet again.

“I know none of that is true. You really do have a heart and a conscience, but that's not the side of you that Evans sees. She sees the side of you that shows off whenever it gets the chance, that always thinks you're right, and that hexes random Slytherins for no reason. And I would assume that your acting like a brainless oaf whenever she comes near does not help your current state.”

James sat in meditative silence for quite some time. I was just beginning to think that maybe my speech had put him to sleep when he spoke.

“I think you're right,” he said. “You may have something there.”

“Of course.”

“Maybe Evans will like me better if I act more like myself when she's around. She doesn't have to see the arrogant, show-offish, bullying person she seems to see me as. She could see me as me!”

He jumped up and headed to our dormitory.

“Thanks, Sirius,” he called over his shoulder.

“Any time.”

But that was the easy part. The next step was following through with the plan. That involved some extra work and restraint on my part as well as James's. I had a tendency to get James into trouble. It wasn't my fault; I didn't do it on purpose. I just wasn't as stealthy, sneaky, and inconspicuous as James was.

I had the attention span of a two-year-old trying to do arithmetic in a toy store. I was easily bored or distracted. In class, I'd stop halfway through a spell and cast a hex over my shoulder at a Slytherin behind me. Of course, I always got caught. It wasn't my fault I never thought about checking to see where the teacher was first. That's why I have friends.

Often times, I would come up with some wild and elaborate plan and then insist we carry it out. It was always something that could not possibly be done without either causing bodily harm to one of us or landing all four of us in detention, but James always went along. Remus was the smart one. We should have listened to him more often than we did.

You would think werewolves would be a lot less cautious, but he always thought everything through and had we done the same, James and I could have spent only a fourth of our time at Hogwarts in detention instead of half of it.

My plan was to get Evans to realise just how wrong she was about James. Of course, it was not that simple. That's not how I operate.

And so, the next day, I had him wear a sombrero and carry a ukulele. He followed her around the common room, strumming away and singing an original song written by yours truly.

Lily,

You are so silly,

You don't know me,

Yet you think you do.

Evans,

Your eyes are heaven,

I bet you didn't know I was so sensitive,

Yet I am.

So if you go out with me,

I'll show you how great I can be,

And you'll forget all your misconceptions and misery.

Please say yes and make my day,

I'm so hopeless,

That's all I can say.

Needless to say, Lily turned him down yet again, James was not altogether thrilled with me, and I was paid twenty galleons by some smart ass first year to never attempt to write poetry again. I hate little kids.

But of course James had faith in me. So, he gave me another chance. This time, there would be no sombrero, no ukulele, and no ballads. This time, there would be something ten times better.

Several days later, plan B was in full swing. James seated himself at the end of the Gryffindor table at breakfast and waited for a certain someone. When she entered, he made an attempt to run his hand through his hair, but I had taped it down to the bench.

“Evans,” he called.

She did not even look in his general direction. He tried to wave to her but once again found that his hand would not move. It was amusing to watch because he definitely knew that I had taped his hands down. I had received his permission first. I suppose he had just not realised how useful they could be.

“Evans!” he called even louder.

Still no reply.

“EVANS!”

Finally, she sighed and made her way over to him.

“What is it Potter?” she snapped.

“Don't be mean,” he said. “I just wanted to know if you would eat breakfast with me.”

Lily hesitated. “I suppose I can.”

I have never seen James so happy as when Lily sat down next to him that morning. Unfortunately, the happiness was quickly replaced by panic.

“Are you not going to eat?” Lily asked.

“No,” James replied quickly. “I already ate.”

“Oh. Then can you pass the butter?”

“No.”

“No?” she repeated. “Why not?”

“You don't want butter,” he said. “It will make you fat.”

If he had not been trying desperately to pull his hands from the bench, James would have seen the look of utter fury on Lily's face before she dumped her pumpkin juice on his head. James spluttered in complete confusion as she stormed off.

Then he turned to me.

For future reference, the Daily Prophet does not act as a very good shield from the death glare of an angry friend. James was mad, and I refused to go near him. In the end, Peter had to go pull him off the bench.

“Padfoot, what did you make me do this time?” he shouted.

“That one was entirely your fault, mate,” I said. “If you hadn't called her fat, she wouldn't have attacked you like that.”

Remus nodded in agreement.

“If my hands hadn't been stuck to the bench, I could have passed her the butter and spared everyone that little show,” James shot back.

Remus nodded again.

“Would you just pick a side?” James and I shouted together.

“Sorry,” Remus muttered. “But I think it was a stupid idea to begin with. Of course, James didn't handle the situation very well either.”

That figures. Everyone always gangs up on poor Sirius. Let's ignore the fact that the plan could have worked and focus on the fact that it didn't. That seems a little unfair.

The tape had done what it was there for; it had kept James from messing up his hair like Lily hated. Unfortunately, it had caused several other problems.

“You're fired,” James said. “I don't want your help anymore. I'll do this by myself.”

“No!” I cried, attracting the attention of far too many people. “Give me one more chance. This time it will work. I swear.”

He sighed and gave in. I would have one more chance. This time, if it didn't work, I would have to run for my life.

For several nights after that, I would sit awake in my bed with the curtains drawn around me and scribble on the bits of parchment I had collected. I was devising a plan. This one would work.

The third time's the charm.

Unfortunately for me, before I could finish my plan, James did something even worse than usual to dig himself in an even deeper hole.

We had just finished our Defence Against the Dark Arts OWL and were sitting out by the lake talking about nothing in particular. James kept glancing at Lily who was not paying the least bit of attention to him. Then, I spotted a certain greasy Slytherin and decided we needed entertainment.

James took it upon himself to strike up a conversation of sorts with Snape. I could tell that Remus did not like the idea, but since he said nothing, I said nothing. In fact, nobody said anything until Evans came to visit.

That was the end of the fun. I really don't see why James likes her so much. She's such a spoilsport. She'll be the end of the Marauders yet.

She yelled. A lot. And then she yelled some more and called James some names. It wasn't a very fun experience. But after she left, Professor McGonagall came out of nowhere and gave the four of us and Snape detentions. That's the way it works here. If one of the Marauders gets in trouble and the other three are around, the teachers assume that we were all doing something and we all get detentions. It doesn't even hurt my feelings anymore not to be trusted.

Lily didn't forget about that incident that easily. Fifth year was almost over and Lily wasn't speaking to James. Luckily, I still had one more trick up my sleeve.

On the second to last day of school, my last plan was put to action. James waited behind the wall at the bottom of the staircase to the girls' dormitories. I began to get the horrible feeling that perhaps it wasn't going to go as well as I had hoped when Lily came down the stairs and James jumped out at her causing her to start terribly in surprise. He was lucky she didn't pass out… or wet herself.

Fortunately, she just laughed it off and asked him what it was he wanted.

“I've come to take you on an adventure,” he said.

She raised an eyebrow in curiosity, but followed him out of the common room. In fact, she followed him all the way to their destination: the lake.

There, ready and waiting, was a small boat. I had managed to get it from Hagrid for a very cheap price. I had traded him for it. Oh, the perks of coming from a dark family.

I watched from the castle as James helped Lily into the boat. At first she looked like she didn't want to, but finally agreed. They paddled out to the middle of the lake. That was part of the plan. This way, if James did or said something stupid, Lily couldn't run away. Yes, I do think of everything.

Unfortunately, I did not think of the giant squid who apparently did not want any visitors that day.

Lily and James actually seemed to be getting along for once. They were talking and laughing and having a good time, and then a giant tentacle came flying at them sending the whole boat soaring across the lake. I laughed, but then thought that maybe I shouldn't because maybe they were hurt. But I've never seen a boat go that far! I made a mental note never to challenge a squid to a game of tennis.

When James emerged, he immediately began laughing, but when Lily emerged a few seconds later, she was not laughing. She said something rather angrily and slapped him across the face.

“Lily!” I could hear James shout.

I knew I would be in trouble this time. He would not give me any more chances.

So, I ran back up to my dormitory and instructed Remus, who was doing homework, to tell James that I was not there. Then, sat on my bed with James's invisibility cloak over me.

When he came crashing through the door seconds later, soaking wet and not at all happy, Remus cast a glance at where I was hiding.

“What happened this time?” he asked.

“Squid…lake…Evans,” he muttered. “Where's Sirius?”

“I don't know.”

“Don't lie,” he hissed. “You do know. And my invisibility cloak is missing. He's scared.”

I shifted uncomfortably and he looked at my bed for a moment.

“I know you're in here Black,” he called. “I'll find you.”

Before I knew what was happening, a blast of air hit me and knocked me off the bed. Then, James was standing over me and prodding me with his foot.

“How did everything go?” I asked.

“If you didn't know that, why would you be hiding?” he retorted.

I had never been afraid of James before. Well, I had several times in first year when he was convinced that I was like the rest of my family, but I had not been since then. I had of course known that I should be afraid of him. I had seen him angry before and the only thing that kept me from being afraid for my life at this moment was the knowledge that I was his best friend and that I hadn't meant to cause any trouble and that I had seen him much angrier before.

“It wasn't my fault, Prongs,” I tried, standing up. “I didn't tell the squid to smack your boat around like that.”

Remus snorted, attracting both of our attention.

“Is that what happened?” he asked. “That could have happened to anyone. Don't be angry at Sirius, James.”

James sighed. “You're right. I'm sorry.”

And being the good friend I am, I forgave him.

The next day, James went to talk to Lily. Unfortunately, she wasn't as forgiving as I was and blamed him for the whole incident. She said it was insensitive of him to laugh like that and that he would be lucky if she ever found it in her to forgive him.

They spoke angrily to one another for a very long time. I wish I could have heard what they were saying. I only know what I do because James told me later.

We boarded the train the next morning and headed home. I may have even gotten excited about the prospect of going home if I had known that I had succeeded in doing something right that year. But I hadn't, so I wasn't.

“Don't be so depressed,” James told me, dropping a chocolate frog in my lap. “She rejects me all the time. I'll get over it. You should too.”

“I will.”

And I would, but that didn't mean I would give up.

I am Sirius Black and as such it is my job to make sure my friends are happy. That may mean I will have to sit Evans down in a chair and tell her personally how James isn't what she thinks. It may not be pleasant, but next year I will definitely succeed.

Just wait and see.

- - - -

A/N: As promised, here is the one-shot I am posting here before Fanfiction. Enjoy!

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