That's What I Meant To Say

Yeah yeah, it's me. Writing something I'd never thought I'd ever do. A Remus/Sirius slash fic. Oh what joy.

Well, I hope you enjoy it! Basically the entire plotline is that Sirius decides he likes Remus and they get together…pretty simple; you don't need to be a genius to figure out. Don't read if you don't like slash and don't flame me; it's easy enough to avoid.

Disclaimer: nothing is owned by me. I doubt even the plotline does. The title is inspired by a song by Darius (Incredible (What I Meant To Say)); some of the themes are also inspired. I don't own the song.

R/R??

WARNING: SLASH OR YAOI!! DON'T READ IF THESE THEMES OFFEND!!

---

That's What I Meant To Say

It was not right. It should never have happened.

Unfortunately for Sirius, it did.

Sirius was Hogwarts' Ladies' Man. Tall, dark and handsome, he had won the heart of many a girl. Being a `Ladies' Man' meant that he often dumped his girlfriends hard, but that didn't bother him; there was always another girl willing to go out with him.

Weirdly, he didn't really like any of them. Sure, they were cute, or pretty, or great kissers, or whatnot, but he never felt anything for them. As long as they were pretty, they were on his dating list.

The event that had Sirius banging his head on his headrest was this: girls didn't want to go out with him any more.

He was shocked; he couldn't believe it. He'd been surrounded by girls for the past five years; he couldn't believe that girls no longer loved him! It was just not right!

Anyway, after a single day of suffering, Sirius had decided that he needed a kiss or he'd die. He didn't even care if it was just a kiss; anything would do. But he was going crazy. He didn't even care if he had to kiss James (one of his three best friends); he would have to kiss someone soon.

Sirius trudged down into the Common Room. The only person there was Lily, James's girlfriend. “Hello, Sirius,” she said without looking up from the parchment she was writing on.

“Hi Lil,” Sirius told her. “I think I'm going crazy.”

Lily looked up, amused. “Aren't you always going crazy?”

Sirius glared at her. “No. I need a kiss. Lily would you—?”

“No way!” Lily told him before Sirius had even finished. “Firstly, I'm not one of your little groupies. Secondly, James would kill you for trying. Thirdly, I'll kill you for trying. So don't.”

“I don't even have any groupies!” Sirius wailed after his friend had finished. “They've all decided that they like Amos-bloody-Diggory more than me. And James! Even though he's taken.”

“Poor Sirius,” Lily said absently.

“Thank you. I'm so crazy I'd kiss the next person who comes in the room!”

“Even if they were a boy or you hated them?”

“Even!”

Lily laughed. “You wouldn't. I'll bet you 5 galleons that you won't.” She had a sneaking suspicion of who the next person was going to be, and she knew they weren't going to be very happy. This fact alone made her very interested and thoroughly amused as she imagined what their reaction was going to be.

“You're on,” Sirius said. “I'll bet you that I will.”

Lily snorted, unable to hold her laughter. “Oh, I've got to see this,” she said between giggles.

Sirius looked at her, confused. He heard the portrait open and turned to look at who it was.

His jaw dropped and he spun to face Lily again. “You knew that was going to happen, didn't you! You knew it was going to be him!”

Lily grinned and shamelessly nodded. “Five galleons, Sirius.”

Remus looked at Sirius's desperate face. “What?” he asked Lily.

“Oh, I just made a bet with Sirius. Where are my galleons, then?”

Sirius growled and stormed over to his second best friend. “I'm terribly sorry about this, Moony,” he muttered to his friend before he placed his lips over the other boy's. He pulled back moments later, after the most indifferent kiss he'd ever had, and turned to Lily. “I think you owe me some money, Lily.” The girl, laughing, dug in her purse and threw the boy some coins. Sirius grinned at his friends before retreating up the stairs.

Remus looked confused. “What on earth was that?” he asked.

“Oh, Sirius needed a kiss. I wouldn't kiss him, so he decided to kiss the next person who came in the door, and I betted against him. I'm very sorry it was you.”

Remus nodded absently as he sat down next to Lily.

“What's wrong with you?” Lily asked. “It was just a kiss! It's not like it was anything special!” At Remus's glare, she had a rethink. “It wasn't…was it? I know having your friend kiss you is weird, but hey, it wasn't like it was your first, right?”

Remus flinched and glared at the table in front of him. Lily looked confused for a moment before she realised, and whispered, “Oh. I'm sorry, Remus.”

Remus nodded. “Yeah. Don't tell anyone, okay? I couldn't bear it if they knew my first kiss was from my best friend, and a male at that.”

Lily smiled gently. “But…why?”

Remus looked up. “I've never let anyone get close to me. You see, I have a condition.”

“A condition?”

Lily looked confused, so he continued, “Lily, you must never tell anyone this, but I'm…” He stopped, wondering why he couldn't tell her.

“You're not gay, are you?” Lily asked suddenly.

Remus's eyes widened and he shook his head frantically. “I'm a werewolf, Lily!” he told her.

“Oh!” Lily said, her eyes wide. She blushed a furious colour. “I'm sorry I misunderstood, but it did seem an awful lot like that. I understand the `Moony' now, though. How awful! I feel so sorry for you!”

Remus shrugged. “It's okay.” He looked at Lily's parchment. “Hey, can I use your notes for my Charms essay?”

---

Upstairs, things weren't going too well. Sirius didn't know what was wrong; his hunger for a kiss had only slightly been fed after kissing his best friend. He decided it must be because it was a boy; it wasn't like kissing any girl. So he resolved to find a girl and kiss her within the next day. He got up and hurried down the stairs and out the portrait speedily, leaving Lily and Remus looking confused as they watched him hurry away.

He found a cute blonde girl called…Marjorie? Marni? Mallory?…well anyway, he found a cute blonde Hufflepuff willing to kiss him and not Amos-Bloody-Diggory.

The hunger didn't go away after Marjorie-Marni-Mallory kissed him. Yeah; it intensified back to the state it was before he kissed Remus.

Sirius really didn't know what was wrong with him.

---

“James, am I unattractive?” Sirius asked his friend that night when they were getting dressed for bed that night. James looked shocked and surprised and nervous. He backed away from Sirius slowly.

“Sirius, I have a girlfriend! I am not gay!”

“I just want to know.”

“But why are you asking me?” his friend wailed. “I'm a guy! Guys don't notice how other guys look!”

Peter, sitting on his bed, said with a yawn, “James, stop hyperventilating. It was an innocent question. Sirius, no, you look fine. Not unattractive at all. Why do you ask?”

“Because girls won't go out with me and I need a kiss! I tried kissing…uh…blonde Hufflepuff, name sounds like Mallory or something? Our year?”

“Marley Phillips,” Peter replied automatically. He was very useful when it came to girls' names. The other boys knew that Peter kept a diary (or journal; boys don't keep diaries, he often said) of everyone they'd ever been out with, what year they and the girl had been in at the time, and what House the girl was in so that if they ever forgot, he'd know. It was definitely useful, and Peter's section was just as long as the other boys'. After all, he wasn't that ugly, and he was rather popular and sweet in his own right.

“Thanks. Yeah, I kissed her and the feeling that I needed to kiss someone just grew stronger!! I need to kiss someone else!!”

Remus walked in the room amidst this conversation and rolled his eyes. “What, your urge hasn't gone yet, Padfoot?”

Sirius sighed. “No. It went slightly the first time, but it increased when I kissed Marley.”

“What first time? You didn't mention that, Padfoot…” James said.

“It was just a random kiss with someone else. Lily dared me to kiss the next person who walked in from the portrait for 5 galleons, so I did and got the money. And the urge went away slightly, but got stronger again after!”

James shrugged. “So kiss that person again,” he said, as if it were obvious.

Sirius could see Remus's eyes widen out of the corner of his eyes and said, “Nah; I don't think they'd appreciate it. Is there any other way?”

James shook his head. “I don't believe so. You have to confront the problem. Snog the person, and maybe your urge will go away.”

“But it can't be because of that person!!” Sirius said almost desperately, his voice rising in pitch. “I can't be with that person!”

Remus yawned and climbed into bed quietly, trying not to listen to the conversation about him.

“Why ever not?”

“It's…complicated.”

“C'mon, it's not Lily, so whoever she is'll be fine with you kissing her again, right?”

Sirius sighed. Peter had gone to sleep a short while before, and Remus was obviously falling asleep. That meant it was almost safe. “No, because it…let's just think about this. Say Peter and I made a bet that he wouldn't kiss the next person to walk through the door. The next person to walk in was you, so he kissed you. And you almost hated him for it, even though we explained to you. Now, get it?”

James's brow furrowed in confusion. “You kissed Peter?”

“No, dammit!” Sirius said.

James's eyes darted across to the other occupied bed in the room (the person in it now snoring). “Then you kissed…?” His eyes finished the question.

Sirius sighed and nodded. “Yeah. See how awkward it would be? I can't kiss him again. He was so annoyed by the first, I think. How could I dare?”

“Sirius, listen to me. You are Sirius Orion Black. You are intelligent and a Ladies' Man. You are also his best friend. And you have never before turned down a dare. He wouldn't hate you. So, find a way.”

Sirius nodded and climbed into his bed. “I'll try. Thanks. Goodnight.” And he turned the lights out, leaving James to get into bed and think about something that was worrying him.

Moony had never kissed anyone before, right? So that was his first kiss. That definitely had to mean something to him.

And Sirius's urge to kiss someone…to kiss Remus wasn't normal, but nothing was normal when it came to Sirius. The fact he was so unknowing about the strength of his feelings for Remus only made him stranger.

Yeah, James knew why all the girls wouldn't go out with Sirius; Lily had told him that even she'd noticed why. Girls had sixth senses; they knew things.

They knew Sirius was in love with Remus, even if he didn't know it himself, and that's the reason they wouldn't go near him.

---

The weeks passed by without Sirius receiving a single kiss. His feeling had quadrupled by the end of the first week, and that doubled every week. He now couldn't focus on any work and was constantly getting detentions that he didn't finish. He didn't understand why nothing was working out but he knew that there was only one solution; he had to kiss Remus. Maybe the feeling would sort itself out?

He went up to their bedroom that evening. James was out with Lily and Peter was out with Marley, the girl Sirius had snogged three weeks ago. That left Remus.

And Remus was there, reading a book, just as Sirius expected him to be.

Sirius sat on the end of Remus's bed. Remus looked up expectantly, waiting for Sirius to explain what his problem was.

“As you know, I really need a kiss.”

“Yes?” Remus asked, hoping his friend would take the hint and elaborate.

“And…well, this stupid feeling might go away if you kiss me.”

Remus's eyes widened. “NO WAY!” he yelled, causing an owl to squawk loudly in fright as it passed their open window. “There is no way I'm kissing you again. Once was enough.”

“Moony, that wasn't a kiss; that was barely even a touch.”

“I don't care. The answer is no, and that's final.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive!” Remus felt like yelling again, but he didn't want to scare away any more owls, so he just settled for glaring daggers at Sirius. “Go snog James or somebody.”

“Firstly, James has a girlfriend and I don't care if it's only one kiss—it's wrong. You don't have a girlfriend so that's fair. Secondly, James is currently out on a date with said girlfriend, whereas you are here! So there!”

Remus growled. “I'm not kissing you.”

Sirius just sat there.

“Move!”

His best friend didn't budge. He was sitting on his leg, and his foot was starting to go numb. Remus tried to kick Sirius off, but the Black Retriever Animagus was heavy.

“Move!” Remus hissed forcefully, trying to shove the larger boy off his leg. As he tried, the black haired boy got a glint in his eye. Remus watched as Sirius stood up. But suddenly he wasn't there, he was in front of him…and…

Well, Remus wasn't sure what was going on. But he didn't really want it to stop. He moaned pitifully into Sirius's mouth that was covering his. It wasn't really kissing; it was true. It was more passionate than that; the two of them were kissing with a force so strong that any voyeur watching would possibly be turned on. It was more like snogging, and Remus couldn't help but kiss back with an unknown fervour.

Finally Sirius pulled back, his hunger completely satisfied. He grinned, said, “Thanks Moony! I owe you!” and walked out the door as if nothing had happened.

But both of knew something had. Something had changed between the two of them.

---

Remus wasn't aware of what it was, but the kiss had definitely adjusted his opinion of his best friend. He was starting to get butterflies when thinking of him. He asked Lily what it was.

“Remus,” Lily told him patiently, “you only ever have butterflies when you're nervous, or when you have a crush on someone.”

A crush. Those two simple words had completely destroyed his world. After all, there had to be something else, right? A simple kiss, a simple earth-shattering kiss couldn't change his whole opinion on dating, could it? No…it couldn't. He wouldn't let it. There had to be something else.

“So who is it? Who's the lucky girl?” Lily asked eagerly.

Remus shook his head and walked up to his dorm. For he couldn't answer that question.

It wasn't a girl, and he'd never let anyone know.

---

On the contrary, Sirius was having much stronger feelings and a much harder time with working out what they were. He knew that kissing Remus had helped a lot, but he was amazed that a boy with so little experience had been able to kiss like that. It had been amazing; no girl had ever kissed him the way Remus had.

He didn't understand. He knew he liked Remus, but he wasn't sure which way. He sighed and decided to visit James. James could probably help.

---

“I got rid of the feeling, Prongs.”

James smiled warmly. “That was good, Sirius. How?”

Sirius smiled softly. “I kissed him. Actually, rather, we kind of…well, snogged. But anyway, I don't know what's up with me. I never meant to. And I can't stop thinking about him…” He trailed off, desperately hoping for an answer that wouldn't frighten him.

James smiled. “Have you only just realised?”

“What?” Sirius asked in confusion.

His friend rolled his eyes. “I suppose you haven't, not even now…I'll tell you why the girls won't go out with you. They know you're not meant to be with them. They know you're not in love with them. You've told us yourself; for the past two years, you haven't felt anything for a girl; you just go out for a one-night-stand and a snog. But they know who you're in love with.”

“But…but I'm not! You know that!” Sirius said frantically. “I'd know who I was in love with! And I'm not!”

James shook his head. “I know exactly who you're in love with, Sirius. As do you. I've known it for a very long time. It was bound to happen, and you have to make it, Sirius. I trust you not to screw it up. Now, what does your heart say?”

Sirius glared. “That it wants to kill you.”

“Listen to it, Padfoot,” his friend said, switching to the nickname to appeal to that side. “Think of it from Padfoot's point of view. Who does he like to be around most?”

Sirius thought for a few moments. “Well, Moony, of course; we're both canines and get on well. I don't see the point of this.”

James raised an eyebrow. “Who do you get on best with?”

“Uh…” he said, after a few moments. “You or Moony.”

“Yes, and why are you here talking to me?”

“Because I can't talk to Moony about love.”

James sighed and said, “And why not, Padfoot?”

“Because he's never been in love before!” Sirius exclaimed, exasperated.

“But you wouldn't know,” James said, “because he never talks to you about love. As it is, he asked Lily a question today. She says he has a crush on someone, but wouldn't tell her who it was. Both of us have a sneaking suspicion as to who it is Moony fancies.”

“Oh?” Sirius asked intelligently. “I couldn't imagine Moony being in love or having a crush on someone. In fact, I can't imagine anyone ever being with Moony.”

James laughed, and said what he'd been dying to say all evening. “No, Sirius, you just couldn't imagine him being with anyone but you.” And he turned and walked off, leaving Sirius to sit alone with his mouth open in shock.

---

It took Sirius a week to come to terms with his feelings for his best friend, and in which time he'd thoroughly realised that it was true.

Sirius was in love with Remus.

During this week, Remus had been avoiding Sirius in case any more awkward things were to happen between them. Remus was sure that Sirius hadn't meant anything by the kiss, but he didn't want to come across Sirius, alone, again; in case any more kisses were to happen. He knew he wouldn't be able to control his emotions if another were to occur, and goodness knows what he'd do then. He'd probably do something stupid, like fall in love.

On the other hand, Sirius knew he had to confront Remus and tell him his feelings for him. He would go crazy if he didn't, and his hunger for a kiss was coming back anyway.

It was the only way. He had to tell him.

Tonight.

---

Remus was sitting on his bed, reading, when a voice sung out, “Moo-ny!”

He recognised that voice. It was Sirius. He looked around him for a place to hide and quickly dragged the curtains around his bed and pretended to be asleep.

Sirius looked at the drawn curtains and grinned. “Moony,” he said, “I know you're not asleep. I'm not stupid. You never sleep any earlier than ten o'clock when you're in a reading mood, which you've been in all afternoon.”

Remus groaned mentally. How did the boy know so much about him?

“Even more so, I know you're reading that stupid book that you bought last week and we haven't left you alone to read it so far, which means that you won't stop reading it until you've finished it,” Sirius said, impressed with himself.

Remus looked at the book in his hand, When Winter Comes and sighed aloud. “Yeah,” he said. “Completely right.”

Sirius beamed and dragged open Remus's curtains. “The hunger is coming back!” he wailed cheerfully.

“No,” Remus replied flatly.

“But…”

“No buts,” Remus told him. Sirius giggled at the sound of the word and Remus rolled his eyes. “Be serious, Sirius.”

Sirius grinned. “I am Sirius!”

“Stupid Sirius,” Remus muttered. It only makes him cuter, he added in his head. Then he mentally slapped himself, knowing that he should get rid of these thoughts; boys didn't think other boys were cute. He knew this.

“That looks really endearing,” Sirius said thoughtfully.

Remus looked confused for a moment. “What does?” he asked. “And do you even know what that word means?”

“'Course I do!” Sirius exclaimed, affronted. “I learnt it off you. And the way you look when you're thinking is endearing.”

Remus blushed slightly. He only means it in a friend way…he told himself sternly.

“Please?” Sirius asked suddenly.

“What?” Remus asked, off guard.

Sirius smiled cheerfully again. “Can you help me get rid of this hunger?”

“Kiss Peter,” Remus said automatically. “That should help.”

Sirius raised his eyebrow. “No it won't,” he said, for once sounding serious.

“Why won't it?”

“Because…because I…” Sirius trailed off. He whispered something. It was the most innocent that Remus had ever seen him.

“What?” Remus asked.

“Because I don't…” He shook his head, unable to finish. “I'm sorry Moony.” He turned and headed for the door.

“Oh no you don't!” Remus said. He slid out of bed, grabbed Sirius's hand and pulled him back to face him. “I didn't make you stay this long for nothing! Tell me. I know you want to.”

Sirius shook his head, rubbing the palm of Remus's hand unconsciously as the boy didn't let go. His eyes were tearing up; he's just realised that he couldn't tell Remus. Remus would hate him forever for it.

“How about if I kiss you?”

Remus's voice broke through Sirius's mental tirade of No, no, no, I just ruined it! and he nodded slowly.

Remus sighed, his resolve breaking. He didn't want to do this, but he knew he had to if he was to get Sirius to tell him. He stood up on tiptoes and gently pressed his lips to Sirius's. Sirius kissed back equally gently at first, but it got as passionate as last time. Remus ended up pressed against the edge of his bed as they embraced.

Remus breathed deeply as he pulled away eventually and he sat down. “Why does this keep happening?” he asked softly. “Why is it that you want to kiss me?”

Sirius sighed. He knew he had to tell Remus, now. “It started as a stupid bet with Lily,” he whispered, “but eventually I knew there was something else. My hunger couldn't be satisfied by anyone else. It was like my body was telling me that it only wanted you. My lips and my heart agreed.” He looked up. “I'm sorry, Remus. That's what I meant to say. I can't kiss Peter or James because it wouldn't be right.” He looked down at his hands. “I love them like brothers…and that's not the way I love you. There are two words that need to be added; in and with. I'm in love with you.” He ended in a whisper.

Remus couldn't breathe. He knew what he had to do; he had to say that he felt the same—he'd only just realised that he was in love, too, that moment. But he couldn't get the words out. He couldn't even move, he was in such shock that Sirius felt the same way.

Sirius nodded his head, his tears slipping out. “I didn't think you'd feel the same. Sorry for all of this. I'll be going now.” He turned and walked away, leaving Remus there, paralysed with astonishment.

---

“What happened?” Lily asked Remus gently.

Remus, who was still paralysed even though four days had passed, replied with, “The person who I love told me that they loved me.”

Lily beamed. “Oh, that's so good! What did you say? Did you tell them?”

Remus shook his head. “I was so surprised that they felt the same way as me that I couldn't reply, and now they think I was repulsed by them. They won't talk to me.”

“Shouldn't you tell them? Find some way to let them know how you feel?”

Remus smiled humourlessly. “They'd think I was joking, or mocking them, or didn't really believe it and was pitying them. I don't think they'd even believe it if I stripped down, got in their bed and told them to fuck me.” He laughed hollowly.

This last comment made Lily very interested. “Is that even possible?” she asked, intrigued.

“What?”

“For boys to fuck each other?”

Remus looked at Lily with wide eyes, like a deer caught in the headlights. “How do you know?” he whispered. “I never told you.”

Lily shrugged. “I'm not blind. I've known for three years now. That's even longer than James and Peter, and they think they know you two best. They've been betting on when the two of you would realise since October, Fifth Year.”

“So you'd be okay with it…if we got together??”

Lily laughed. “We'd be more worried if you didn't! You two are made for each other!”

“Like you and James?”

Lily smiled. “Just like me and James, except you have more of a chance of not getting yelled at by the other. And do answer my question.”

“Which was?”

“Is it possible for boys to…?”

Remus sighed. “Yes, it's possible. Don't get me to teach you biology, please get James…I'm not sure he'd appreciate me telling you, anyway.”

Lily grinned and countered with, “Oh, I'm sure he'll tell me if I ask…now, go and tell Sirius! The whole female population didn't let go of him coz he wasn't handsome, you know. They let him go because they knew he was taken.”

Remus nodded. “Thanks Lily, you're the best.” He hugged his friend and hurried up the stairs to the boys' dorms.

---

Sirius was lying on his bed when Remus entered happily. He reached over to grab the curtains, but Remus patted his hand away and sat on the foot of his friend's bed.

“What, Moony? Come to laugh at me?”

Remus's brow furrowed. “No…I came to tell you something I should have the moment I realised.”

“Yeah?” Sirius asked, not for the first time acting the intelligence of an egg.

“Yes. You are an idiot.”

“Why, thank you. May I ask why?”

“Because you thought I actually hate you, when in fact, I really…” Remus sighed, and darted down and placed his lips over Sirius's.

After a very long and zealous embrace, Remus pulled back. “I love you too. And that's what I meant to say.”

---

So?? First impressions? Awful? Great? Excellent? (Yeah yeah, I know I'm blowing my own trumpet there…) Shockingly crap? You deal the cards!! I'll listen to any crap you throw my way!

Thanks for taking the time to read, at least!

ly,

x Cazzy x

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