Luna's Loony Articles

Marauding Moonbabe

Rating: PG13
Genres: Humor
Relationships: Ron & Luna
Book: Ron & Luna, Books 1 - 6
Published: 05/10/2005
Last Updated: 15/10/2005
Status: in_progress

Luna Lovegood has always been enveloped in a strange world of her own. A series of articles she wrote for the Quibbler shows just how strange that world really is. Welcome to the land of random...

Chapters

1. History of a Sun God

2. Interview With a Sun God

3. Adopt an Alpaca

1. History of a Sun God

History of a Sun God

Loony Lovegood

As you know, the Sun God in his earthly form is known as Draco Malfoy. Even uwois know that, and they tend to be rather dull… that means stupid. Anyway, the Sun God has a rainy history. I wish it would rain every other Monday; that way I could see a liddlederger. On the other hand, they would make a cosmic star fall on the Slytherin Common Room. You know what happens when cosmic stars land on top of you; you become extinct… you die. Then when he died, I would have nothing to report on, as non-sun gods tend to be rather boring.

Sun God's history definitely fits the saying, “The shadow proves the sunshine.” Somebody made that into some song I think. I believe that I will say that five times fast. Well, I have procrastinated long enough to put you into a “vortex of suspense” as my daddy says. Not to offend him, but he is a bigot with a big, Grecian nose. I guess I can start with Sunnyboy's history now.

Lucius sired Draco, and his dam was Narcissa Malfoy. There I go talking… or I guess typing, like he is a stockellie, which is a mutant heifer with 3 different noses.

Anyway, his sire was quite strict. In rap lingo, it would be, “Yo yo, homey-G! Wazzap wit tat? Dragon Dude's papa is a putting the smack smack down. Dudes.” In your people's sayings, that would be, “Malfoy's horrid father, who seemed to hold hostility to all mankind, would drag Draco down to the deepest depths of the dungeon to torture him with the most ferocious methods ever known to humans.”

Since this is the smack-dab middle of the article, I will change fonts to confuse you further. Oh by the way, I got all this inside information on the Sun God from his steady girlfriend, Ginny Weasley. She told me that this information was very, very private, and to never reveal it to anyone. It was Topsy-Turvy night in Taiwan, so she meant, “Tell each and every person you know what I just revealed to you,” except with much smaller words, as she is 1/8th uwoi on her grandmother's side, I believe. She just won't admit it.

Many people these days won't admit that they are part cat-zebra. I know tons of people, as the time I spend “hiding myself in a corner, doing nothing to benefit the British society” is actually people-watching time. Did you know that Josh Fungal picks his nose with his quill every 3.78546 minutes? I do; I know everything about the people I go to school with. I know tons of people, but very few speak with me. Maybe they are just shy, as I know I did nothing to offend them. So, I will write history of the Sun God down so it can be sent to the best newspaper ever, which is conveniently the paper I work for, the Quibbler.

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2. Interview With a Sun God

Luna's Loony Articles

Interview with the Sun God

Luna Lovegood

Black = Luna Lovegood

Red = Draco Malfoy

This is question number one,Draco. Do you really hold up the sun every day? Surely your arms would go to sleep. I think you need more sleep. And no, my job isn't to hold up the sun, that's my friend's job. What is your favorite color of dog? Umm… calico? This is the most important question in this interview. All others are simply fluff. If you had to chose one or the other… poster of a fluffy cat or a picture of your girlfriend? Well, don't print this, but I would choose the cat, as an excuse for my girlfriend to go to the movies with me. She refused to go to the grand opening of `Planet Earth, A Documentary”. I was quite upset. It's just not the same, eating all that popcorn by yourself as the screen shows the transformation of a worm into a moth.

Which do you like better? Hitler or Caesar? Ahhh… I think I'll take the house salad. Three cavities being removed with no numb medicine or a hornet stinging your eyeball in the middle of an abandoned forest. I have a confession. I am totally afraid of toothpicks. One stabbed me when I was 13, and I've never been the same. I used to sing like bass. Now I sing Soprano. No, it's Soprano one, which is the highest note singer people. What is the most important thing you have ever done? Once, I was in a Native American reservation, and I saw a dude with feathers sticking out of his head, and I said, “Look a real Injun!” It's really important to me, because that day I almost got scalped. I was bald for the next year. If you could dye your hair any color, what would it be? Hot pink, because it's like, totally masculine. What are the five things you would do if you ruled the world? Is this Miss America? Cause if it is, then hi Mum! You always said I'd get here, thanks for believing in me. Dad, I proved you wrong. I didn't become a sumo wrestler. Now, I would pick… world peace, food for the hungry, death for the murderers…

Boxers or whitey-tighties? Beer or champagne? Depends on the day and… as Miss America, beer is bad for your breath and champagne is a bad habit. Worse than plate spinning I believe. Football teams… Florida Gators or Tennessee Volunteers? We are the Tennessee; we are the Tennessee Volunteers. Go UT! Go UT! We are from Tennessee; we are from Tennessee! GO UT VOLS!!! Go UT VOLS!!! Do you like Kentucky state quarters or Louisiana? What on this good earth is a quarter? I pay in yin! I'm Chinese, you inconsiderate prat! In that sentence you used a hillbilly accent, British slang, and said you were Chinese. Are you okay? Yes I am okay. Have you never heard of Scotch-Irish? Well, I'm a Hillish-Chinese. Ha!

What is Gabriela and your favorite song? The swimming chicken dance. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na, na, na, na! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! What is the meaning of life? To promote devastation, destruction, and disruption wherever I go in this fiery vortex of darkness and despair. Thanks you so much for this informative information full of things that the public need to know. At the Quibbler, we promote articles that give the facts, the whole facts, and nothing but the facts. You have contributed to a worthy cause. I know. I'm such a generous, wonderful, gorgeous, whimsical person. Thank you, thank you, thank you. The roses are appreciated ladies, but honestly, I'm way to good for you. Bye now!

A/N: Okay, I know that this is super out of character for Draco Malfoy, but I sort of wanted to interview an idiot. Also, I know that this story has no strict plot (or plot at all), but this is just for people who need a laugh or two. Writing these things puts me in such a good mood. There really isn't any romance, or horrid deaths, just laughs and stupidity. Next article is Adopt an Alpaca and Save Money on Your Car Insurance. I've been told that it's my funniest one yet.

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3. Adopt an Alpaca

Luna’s Loony Articles

Adopt an Alpaca

Luna Lovegood

Today’s article shall tell you why you must adopt an alpaca, and save a lot of money on your car insurance. You see in 1345, alpacas were the main source of transportation in the high mountains of Death Valley. Oh, I mean Himalayas, sorry. Alpacas were quite the off-road vehicle back then. So, I ask, why not now? They have tons of hair, fur, fluff, etc. Therefore, they will make one darn good sweater on those cold summer nights. They have an amazing ½ mile an hour mileage, in addition to no gas required. Well, except for hay.

Also, they are environmentally helpful. Car exhaust equals holes in the ozone. Alpaca exhaust equals more fertilizer for carrot farmers. Alpaca insurance is much less than car insurance, as no one has ever invented alpaca insurance. So when they break a leg, you splint their leg with a branch, put them in you cart, and pull the cart yourself. See, they are even a great workout for you Fatkins diet freaks.

Another reason for you to buy an alpaca is that then you won’t have to listen to rap songs on the radio. You can listen to horseflies when you drive an alpaca. Horseflies are much more educational than rap songs, because if you listen closely, they aren’t saying “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” all the time. They are saying “Ve vant to suck vour vood.” At least, that is what I believe horseflies say. They always seem Bulgarian, like Victor Krum… can’t properly talk anyway. Ants, on the other hand, are quite different. They all say, “Should we get the watermelon or the hotdog?” and act a bit like Ronald… always thinking about food.

Horses, dogs, and cats are all quite diverse. The patient school horse says, “Now, today kiddies, we are going to learn how to say out of my mouth. And how to not hit me in the back when you sit your fat rears on me. Got that?” The wilder, more advanced, stubborn horse says, “Get off of my back! And into my game! Get out of my way! And out of my brain!”

The golden retriever says, “Dude, there were awesome vibes today coming from like the ocean. Awesome times for like surfing.” The poodle, who is much more dignified, says, “Oh my Gawd! Bob totally flirted with me today. I was like, ‘Oh my gawd. I so totally didn’t wear my pink shirt today.’ What on earth will I do? Oh my gawd.”

Cats (and half-kneazles) are quite the opposite of dogs. Some describe them as obnoxious, but I think that they are just royalty. The more refined cats, or aristocats, talk like this: “Darling, that is simply marvelous. I simply adore your petty notions of trying to get the high social status that I hold. However, you are human, and are destined to be beneath me, serving me until the end of your days. Now pet, please continue with my daily grooming spa.” The more forceful mousers are rather blunt. “Shut up and hand over the catnip, and nobody gets hurt. And while you’re at it, pet me or face the wrath of the streaking-claws-across-your-precious-furless-face.”

Here is where I would put the paragraph about what alpacas say, but that is pointless, as they don’t seem to think about anything but the next meal. Now that I ponder that, it seems rather like immature males. I might do an article on the relations of alpacas and immature males. Let’s see…

Immature Males

Worry about nothing but food

Smell bad when no shower is taken

100% rude, crude, and immature in general

Alpacas

Worry about nothing but food

Smell bad forever and always

Immature. The end.

So, as you see, immature males are toned down alpacas. Therefore, that means that car insurance must cost less when you make them pull a cart. That is why you should buy an alpaca.