Standing Still

Nousia

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 11/11/2005
Last Updated: 12/11/2005
Status: completed

This is the place where you thought things would last forever, where happily ever afters existed. Days stretched on end for you here, just waiting to be filled with fun, warmth, love and laughter. This is your haven and your hell.

Chapters

1. Standing Still

1. Standing Still

Author: Nitya/Nousia

Title: Standing Still

Prompt: Fred and George stir up trouble within the trio for fun. Harry is embarrassed, Ron is pissed off. Hermione slaps a Weasley, or two.

Summary: You can never expect anything from me. You can't depend on me. At some point I'll always let you down.

Warning: Ron's a grade A prat in this fic. More so than how he's portrayed as in canon. So. If you're a fan of him, you might not want to read this fic. Also, the fic itself starts out very angsty, and continues to be that to the end. And yet at the same time, it's also very sappy. *scratches head* Don't know how that happened, but oh well. Angst and fluff haters, beware.

Rating: PG-13

Notes: This was my really late entry to the Harry/Hermione Serendipity ficathon at LiveJournal. The prompt was all venus_ice's idea - I just hope she's happy with it. *bites lip* This is written from Hermione's POV. “He” is pretty self explanatory.

This fic goes out to Kalie, Chrissy, Frances, Sonja and Ama for their inspiration. I can't thank them enough for their support and encouragement; they've helped me so much, both with this fic and other things. And last, but definitely not least, this goes out to Jennifer for betaing this, especially at the last minute. Jennifer, you're the true angel here. Thank you so much.

Important Note: I'm afraid I have some bad news. This is going to be my last fic for a while, as RL decided to be a big pain and make me focus more on school. Yes, this means that there won't be a chapter of The Beast and the Unlikely Beauty - I'll write it whenever I can, but I won't post it for another couple of months. If RL decides to be nice to me then. I'm really sorry, and wish that things were different..but what can I do. To those who understand, thank you so much. It really means a lot to me.

I hope you all enjoy the fic :)

---

This is the place where you thought things would last forever, where happily ever afters existed. A fairy tale land. Where you thought life could be normal, ideal, safe. Days stretched on end for you here, just waiting to be filled with fun, warmth, love and laughter. You believed that here dreams could take flight.

This is your haven and your hell.

You've brought yourself here to find some reprieve; you could be normal here. You could pretend that there was nothing wrong, that war didn't exist. It was a beautiful illusion you fed, tied yourself to, and in the end, it failed you. You thought you could escape from everything, but you couldn't. It all caught up with you. It became a part of you; there was no way you could escape from it.

And you couldn't make yourself run away from it.

*

You were afraid, you admit. Afraid of things unspoken yet acknowledged - of things that were predicted and yet couldn't be predicted. And this is what scared you off; for once, you were facing something unknown. All your knowledge and intellect was useless; this was

something you had never faced. This was something you had no answers, no possible solutions, to.

And you panicked, since you were dealing with something that was ambiguous, that had either a yes or a no answer; and you couldn't bear it if, in the end, the answer turned out to be no. You knew you couldn't bear it if you lost him. So you ran away, abandoning him when he needed you the most. And even when he came after you, you ran, knowing that you couldn't get any closer to him than you already were.

And the irony of it strikes you. To everyone, you are loyal to the end, intelligent, and independent. You're the one whom others depend on for everything, whether it's for homework or to untangle unbelievable messes of problems. You're the one whom everyone asks for advice; the sensible girl who will give them the right answer. That's always been your role: the bossy, practical one. You haven't known anything else - and this was what led to your downfall.

You curse yourself for being a pansy. You've never been one to run away from anything; you know the price of being a coward. You had been confronted with your worst fear, something that you knew you had no control over or could find any answers to.

And all you could do was pretend that it didn't exist, act as if everything was normal and the prophecy was nothing but a figment of your imagination. That didn't work, as you found yourself drifting further and further away from him when all you wanted was to be close as possible to him, like you always had been before.

But things changed, as they always did. You were replaced temporarily, and you found yourself taking out all your frustration and anger, that you couldn't do anything for him, on both him and Ron. You were confused; where did you belong now? Your place by his side was now taken, and all you did was watch and pretend to be happy for him. That was all you could do. He deserved some reprieve, and if she made him happy, then you were happy for him. But then in the end you only lied to yourself; you weren't happy, you just pretended you were.

And now, you're trying to do all you can for him. It's the least you can do, now that you know that you had always meant to stand by him, and be just there for him whenever he needed you.

This is where you belong

[from the very beginning it's been like this]

Right by his side

And you would rather die than leave him again.

*

You've devoted so much of everything, yourself, to him these six years, you know that there's no way that you're backing out on him now. You'll be there with him for eternity. You've gone too far with him that you can't go and never look back. He's become a part of you, your other half that you can never detach yourself from. You're his rock, his sanctuary, and he can never leave without you.

And together, you are complete.

*

Now, you're repenting your mistakes, and making him your first priority, as he's always been before. Your whole world revolves around him - your main concern is that he's fine, both mentally and physically. You don't know what you would do if he wasn't.

You don't even want to think about it. It's easier to focus on the present, what you know for sure is happening, than on the future, where everything is uncertain. And you hate uncertainty.

And this is where you find yourself now, at the Burrow. Here, you're rallying for the cause and devoting yourself to him.

You won't leave, you vow to yourself. Never again.

If he goes down, you go down with him.

*

“Hermione?” His soft voice breaks your thoughts. “What are you doing here?” He sounds bemused. You know that he knows why you're here, and still he asks you the reason. Because you two need to talk again.

“Just thinking,” you reply.

“About?” Another rhetorical question. He's standing beside you now. The two of you look out the window, not really seeing anything. Not even your blurred reflections.

“A…lot of things,” you say finally. “You. Me. Us. What happened last year.”

“Oh.” He's silent after that.

You bite your lip, unsure of what to say, for the first time in your life. “I was thinking that... this past year, it's like we switched places with someone else. All of us changed, and…it was definitely not because of the hormones. And I let you down. That is what I've been thinking about a lot lately. How I let you down, but you were always there whenever I needed you. Quite a turnabout, isn't it?” You laugh, which comes out sounding more like a bark than anything else.

He winces. “That's not funny.”

“And don't put all the blame on yourself, Hermione. I made mistakes too. All of us did,” he says with a wry smile. “I didn't listen to you about the Half-Blood Prince's book...something I'll always regret.”

“And I didn't believe you about Draco and Snape,” you say pointedly. “It's really hard to believe that we know each other so well...and yet we doubted the other person.” You can't bring yourself to smile sardonically. “I guess I just...can't believe that I let you down. You, who I trust and believe, who I have so much faith in -” He looks at the floor when you say this - “I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I acted like I didn't even care about you, but oh, believe me, Harry, I did, I did - but I was scared.”

His eyes shoot up. “Why were you scared?” he quietly asks.

You falter for a moment, gathering your thoughts together. “I was scared for you, Harry. And I still am. I always will be. I…I didn't want to lose you, and so that's why I ran away. I've made a lot of mistakes, you know that, Harry...but this is the biggest one that I've ever made. I knew nothing about the prophecy, and it scared me to know that I couldn't do anything about it... I didn't even know how to deal and try to help you when you needed me the most. So that's why I left. That's why I let you down.”

“I guess that's me, huh.” You say with a small laugh. “Now you found out that you can never expect anything from me. You can't depend on me. At some point I'll always let you down.”

He doesn't say anything. Just looks at you with that piercing gaze of his, the one you know you can't lie to or escape from. “Then you can never expect anything from me either, since I always destroy people's hopes and wishes for me.” His soft voice is the only thing that you hear besides your own crazily pounding heart.

You're about to cut him off and say no, no, you don't, when -

“Say, what do we have here?” Fred jovially asks, his eyes darting from you to Harry. Back and forth, back and forth. You feel like a spectacle.

You see no reason to having to defend your actions. “We were talking,” you simply reply, and raise an eyebrow at them. “Is something going on?”

“Yeah, dinner,” pipes in George. “Mum's calling for us all to come down and eat. I'm her messenger.”

“No, you're not, you prat,” Fred says, amused. “We both are. Don't steal all the glory.”

You've been watching all this bemusedly when at that moment he catches a hold of your hand.

“Let's go,” he says. You know there's a deeper meaning behind the words, but right now you can't decipher them. He understands - his eyes tell you that he does.

“Sure,” you nod, and the two of you follow Fred and George, who had somehow slipped away while you were talking.

*

You find, much to your amusement, that Ron's already at the table - has been there for a bit, actually.

“Couldn't wait for dinnertime, Ron?” you tease him.

“It's food,” he says. “Who wouldn't wait?”

“It's orgasmic heaven,” you say sagely, nodding.

Ron chokes. “Hermione!” He gapes at you openly. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Harry fighting back his laughter.

“That's how it is to you, isn't it?” You shrug and take a sip of your tea. “I'm only stating the facts, Ron.”

“But did you really have to say it like that?” His face is red with embarrassment.

“Better the truth than lying to you,” you retort.

“Speaking of truth, where were you and Harry?” his eyes dart between the two of you. Back and forth again. You're getting tired of the scrutiny.

Before you or him can say anything though, George and Fred, who have amusedly been watching all this, chime in.

“You mean you don't know?” Fred asks incredulously, his eyes wide as saucers, betraying his feigning horror. He tilts his head toward you and Harry. “Me and George caught Hermione and Harry snogging just now, that's why they were taking so long.”

You freeze. And you notice that he has become motionless too. His face is blank, and his eyes are lowered. As if he's embarrassed.

“What.” Ron's voice is filled with anger and shock. He looks at you, then Harry, and back at Fred and George. “They're just platonic friends, for Merlin's sake, how can they -”

“Won-Won,” George says affectionately, making Ron wince, “don't tell me you haven't been
expecting this? It was bound to happen one day, lad.” He pats his brother's shoulder. “They've done nothing wrong, right, Harry? Hermione?” He winks.

Your eyes are wide as you say a fervent yes. Why, you don't know; you've just lost all control of your emotions now. And when he says yes too, you know he's lost all control over his, too. You don't know why you're supporting the twins on their prank, but you do know that you and Harry have done nothing wrong. Maybe it's because you've wanted this all along, to be with him, that's why you're supporting them.

“I don't believe it.” Ron says fiercely. His eyes are burning blue with rage now. “How - how -” he can't even speak; he's so enraged by this, even though you know that you and Harry don't exist; it's all a fake act. “I can't even talk to you two now.” He slams his fork on the table, gets up and stalks off.

“Wait,” you find yourself saying. “I'm not going to let you act like a child and leave in a temper, Ron, if you don't let me say something first. Sit down.”

“What makes you think that I'm going to listen to you?” He scowls. “You were sneaking behind my back - all this time - you and Harry -“

“You would be dead by now if it weren't for me,” your voice is on edge. Somehow, he always, always manages to bring out the worst in you. And you hate it.

“You're wrong there, Hermione,” he says, his voice low. “If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be getting near death's clutches every single bloody year!”

You're speechless. How could he blame you for this. “You're blaming me for this,” you say quietly, “but Ron, have you ever thought about the fact that all of us will face death in one way or another every year? I've never made you go near death, so don't you even be a coward and make me your scapegoat.”

“I'm beginning to think that me and Harry were better off without you,” he mutters.

You feel yourself going numb. For the second time in your life, you don't bother to think before you act. You go up to him and before he can even blink - you slap him, a harsh, stinging blow that leaves a red imprint on his freckled cheek. For a moment, there's silence.

And then without even looking at you or saying a word, he gets up and stalks off. A few seconds later, a door slams. And the only thing you hear is the mad beating of your heart.

“I think we'll leave you two alone,” Fred says softly, something you've never heard him sound like before, and both him and George leave.

There's just you and him now, and silence.

“This is gonna take some time to getting used to, isn't it?” Harry muses quietly. “Especially since it started as a prank.” You can feel his gaze on you now. “But, Hermione - what would you say to us dropping the act?”

And the both of us becoming reality? You know he's left the words unspoken for a reason. You feel the numbness leaving and a sense of peace taking its place. This is what was meant to happen all along. And this time, you don't let yourself escape from it.

You turn around and look at him and he looks at you back and the two of you know then. And then reality hits. “You know it's not going to be that easy to drop the act, right?” You ask, biting your lip.

He smiles cynically. “You know that nothing is. It's whether you choose what's right or what's easy that's important."

You know your answer to that.

And you can't help yourself; you hug him. “But what about Ron?” You're suddenly brought

back to reality again. You look at him. “He will come back, right?”

Harry shakes his head. “I dunno...it's going to take him a while to get used to seeing us together. And who knows if he'll even still be friends with us. We can't change his mind; you know he's more stubborn than a donkey...It's all up to him now.”

“We will take him back if he does, right?” You can't hide your uncertainty; you know as well as Harry does that it'll be a while before Ron comes back.

“I think you know the answer to that already,” he chuckles faintly. “You and me both do.”

“And, Hermione - we definitely were not better off without you. We didn't know it then, but we needed you.” He swallows. “Me, especially.” And I still do need you. I always will. He doesn't say it, but you know he means it with all his soul and heart.

“I do, too.” Your heart feels as if it's about to burst; you're filled with so much love and need and want for him.

And you know he's smiling.

*

Later that night, you meet him at the window.

And the two of you begin to talk again.

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