Girl on a Yellow Bike

Marauders Chick

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 5
Published: 03/12/2005
Last Updated: 21/02/2007
Status: completed

(Seventh year, slightly AU) When James first met the girl on the yellow bike that summer, all he was really thinking about was boredom and cigarettes. Little did he know he was meeting the one person who could change his life forever.

Chapters

1. The Girl

2. A Letter and Conversations

3. Best Friends and Victims

4. A Yellow Dress and Cooking Lessons

5. A Broomstick and Snivellus

6. A Meeting and a Note

7. A Tower and a Chicken

8. A Beater and the Purple Letter

9. Exploding Snap and a Full Moon

10. Two Parties and a Soap Opera

11. Ragamuffins and an Unwelcome Discovery

12. Werewolves and Chocolate

13. Avoidance and Playacting

14. A Tragedy and a Realization

15. Mothers and Madness

16. A Fight and a Realist

17. A Scar and a Brother

18. A Sister and a Coward

19. A Dinner and a Confession

20. A Hangover and Yoko

21. Dating and Rosmerta

22. Moods and Broom Closets

23. Starshine and Snogging

24. Scolding and a Kiss

25. Bubbles and Love

26. A Second Yellow Dress and a Battle

27. Humanity and the Girl on a Yellow Bike

28. A Disagreement and a Birthday

29. A Weakness and Voldemort

30. A Snake and a Muggle

31. A Christmas Morning and the Right Thing

32. A Secret and Peace

33. Remus and Alcohol

34. Wonderful Things and Marriage

35. The End

1. The Girl

Chapter 1: The Girl

It was a hot summer day, and James Potter sat on the front steps of his large and gracious home, wearing a tee shirt and jeans and lazily smoking a cigarette. Inside, his mother was trying to find her maid, who he suspected was having more than the proper amount of fun with the milkman, and his father was trying to get his mother to hold still long enough to say the spell for his bowtie to knot properly. They were preparing for some fancy dinner party or another, and James really could not have been more bored if he tried.

He scanned the land before him. It was a seemingly endless expanse of land, rich and fertile. It all belonged to his parents, and someday he knew he'd be the sole owner. It had been in the family for years, handed down from the most ancient of his pureblooded ancestors. James tried not to think about it much and, almost as though showing his contempt for it all, he threw his cigarette butt in the grass. Though he pretended to be nonchalant, he made sure that the orange glow that it emitted burned out properly.

“Where the hell is Sirius?” he muttered, looking around him. He hadn't seen Sirius Black, his best friend and very nearly his adoptive brother, all day. Sirius had taken up residence with the Potters at the end of the school year. Being almost seventeen years old, he'd been able to finally run away from his stiflingly cold family, and liked to brag that his name would get the honor of being blasted off the family tree.

“Toujours Pur my ass.” he'd said, “What a bunch of crap.”

He hadn't always been that way. When James had first met him, he'd been the same sort of puppet child that his younger brother Regulus was now. He'd been saved by James's similar dark humor and violently stubborn opinions on human equality. In his company, along with that of their other best friends Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, Sirius had flourished into a troublemaker and ladies man who made girls swoon with his dark good looks and wicked smile.

“James?” came a voice from the house. Turning around, he spotted his mother, who, in spite of her elegantly arranged hair and elegant plum colored robes, looked harassed and not a little frazzled.

“Darling, are you sure that you don't want to go the party?”

“Yes, Mum.” James said. He barely restrained himself from rolling his eyes at the thought. His mother knew he hated going to those things. They consisted of listening to the music of wizarding composers who'd died hundreds of years ago and laughing politely at jokes that weren't funny.

“It's only, you're getting older, Sweet, and you really should find a--well--”

“Potential mate?” James finished, grinning. Mrs. Potter touched the perfect blond chiffon her hair was tied into, making sure it wasn't falling out, and then turned a wary eye on her son.

“You needn't be so crude about it.” she replied, “But yes. It wouldn't hurt to look.”

“And what makes you think I'd find something like that at one of your parties?” he asked, “It's not as though I'll find a wife and happiness with one of the Black sisters.” He turned away from his mother and began lighting another cigarette.

“Alas, there's no hope of that now.” his mother said, “The youngest, Narcissa, was engaged to that Malfoy boy last month, didn't I tell you?”

James turned back to look at her incredulously.

“Isn't she only twelve?”

“Fourteen.”

“And he's…”

“Twenty-three.”

James took a deep drag on his cigarette, disgusted.

“Is that even legal? That's the sort of thing you want me to be doing?”

She sighed in exasperation.

“I'm not saying you have to marry somebody ten years younger than you, James. But it wouldn't hurt to at least look at girls.”

“When one worth looking at comes, I'll look.” he said sullenly. He turned away and stared off into the endless expanse of land once more. Unexpectedly, his cigarette was snatched from his hand and crushed under his mother's velvet slipper.

“And it wouldn't hurt to stop using those damned muggle cigaplettes, or whatever they're called. They smell horrid.” She checked the bottom of her shoe and groaned.

“Lydia!” James's father stuck his head through the doorway, “Lydia, please, I don't know how that spell goes…”

“Ask one of the house elves!” she cried. “Oh no.” she added to herself, taking the slipper off her foot.

“Burned your shoe, have you, Mum?”

“Just my luck. They were new, too.”

“Honey, please, I'll look foolish…” his father called weakly.

“Serves your right, taking a man's cigarette.” James said, ignoring his father and continuing to address his mother.

She cast him a withering glare.

“I wouldn't go so far as to call you a man yet, Jamie.” she said, “Now, I've forgotten the spell, so if you remember it, tell me before your father has an episode.”

“Try `redintegro'”

She did, and the burn mark disappeared.

“Thank you, sweetheart.” she said, kissing the top of his head. She swept back into the house, saying as she went, “Darling, you really don't need a bowtie with your dress robes…”

James chuckled, and leaned back onto the step behind him. His eyes began to close when he heard something speed by. Thinking it might be Sirius, he opened his eyes, only to see an unfamiliar girl perched upon a yellow device that he could faintly remember from muggle studies as being called a bicycle. Sensing his stare, the girl looked up, and promptly lost control of the bike. With a yelp, she crashed to the ground, her legs twining with the contraption that she'd been riding.

Mildly concerned, James got up and walked over to where she'd fallen. He looked down at her, arms crossed. She was very pretty, slim with long red hair. She wore a purple tie-dyed shirt and cut off shorts, and on her feet were closed toed purple plastic sandals, faintly reminiscent of ones he'd seen muggle children wearing at the beach. She struggled to get into a sitting position, and once she did, she looked up at him expectantly.

“Well?” she asked, her intensely green eyes trying to penetrate his soul.

“Well, what?” he replied, fixing his eyes on her in a way he knew would be just as uncanny.

“Aren't you going to help me up?”

“No.”

“Why?”

James looked away, and pushed his longish black hair from his eyes. He didn't feel like giving an answer, because in truth he didn't have one. He was taken off guard a moment later when she grabbed his hand and pulled herself up using it.

“Thank you.” she said, smiling at him, “I'll pretend that you did help me, anyway.” She bent over and stood her bike up.

“Have a nice day, James.” She turned to leave, but he caught her wrist.

“How do you know my name?” he asked. She turned back to look at him, and this time she looked a little put out.

“You don't know who I am?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow. He shook his head. With eyes like hers, he would have remembered her.

“Lily. Lily Evans.” she said, as though trying to convince him, “You don't know who I am?” she repeated. He shook his head again.

“Well…” She bit her lip, “This is a little strange. Here I thought--well--never mind.” she smiled at him again, “No matter. Accio.” she added. The box of cigarettes in his pocket flew into her hand and she examined it thoroughly.

“You do magic?” he asked, surprised. Most of the people who lived nearby were muggles.

“I go to Hogwarts. In your year.” she said, sounding a little irritated, “I'm a prefect? With one of your good friends, Remus Lupin?” She looked like she was desperately trying to jog his memory, but he continued to draw a blank. Seeing that it wasn't working, she put the cigarettes back gently.

“Don't smoke too many of those, now.” she said, “All sorts of little nasties in there.” She climbed back on her yellow bicycle and nodded at him.

“Nice to see you, even if you don't remember me.” she said lightly, “Tell Remus I said hi.” With a nod, she pedaled off, and James stared after her.

“Hey there, mate.” came a voice behind him. He turned around once more, and saw Sirius, sitting on the step above him.

“Where have you been?” James cried good-naturedly. Sirius wriggled his eyebrows.

“Wouldn't you like to know?”

“Yeah, actually, so tell me.”

“If you must know,” Sirius said, sighing dramatically and quite clearly enjoying himself, “I was getting-- er-- better acquainted with your mum's maid.”

James felt his jaw drop.

“You were snogging Agnes?”

Sirius grinned.

“Close your mouth.” he laughed, “A fly will get in, you remember last time.”

James did as he said, and he shot Sirius a dark look.

“That was only once. And I was thirteen.”

“The best bloody day of my life, always and forever.”

“Stop trying to avoid the point. What the hell were you doing with my mum's maid?”

“She looked like she needed some fun, so…”

“I thought she was with the milkman!”

Sirius chuckled to himself.

“She won't be going back to that spotty prat anytime soon, I'll tell you that.”

James couldn't help feeling that Sirius had violated some sort of rule.

“You don't even like her, Sirius.”

Sirius pouted.

“You don't know that. She could be the bloody love of my life.”

“The first time you saw her, you said she had a horrible overbite and a laugh like a chipmunk.”

“It's amazing how things change when they're kissing rather than talking.” Sirius said thoughtfully, “She's really very attractive, when it comes down to it.”

“Sure.”

“Shut up and hand me one of those, will you?” Sirius pointed at his cigarettes and James complied, if only to keep his mouth shut.

Once Sirius had lit the cigarette with a prod of his wand, James asked,

“You wouldn't happen to know who Lily Evans is, would you?”

Sirius thought for a moment, then shook his head.

“No.” he said, taking the cigarette from his mouth momentarily, “Should I?”

“She just came `round. It was strange. She said she knew Remus and that she was a prefect.”

“Evans, Evans, Evans…” Sirius muttered. “No, I don't know. I tend to avoid authority at all costs, you know that Jimmy.” He ruffled James's hair. “Any particular reason you care?”

“No. Just asking.”

At that moment, James's parents came out.

“Goodbye James, Sirius.” Mr. Potter said, smiling kindly at them, “Try not to blow up the house again, please?”

“We'll try, Mr. Potter.” Sirius said, giving him a charming grin. “And Mrs. Potter, may I say you look lovely…”

“Stuff it Sirius.” James said, elbowing him, “That's sick.”

“I can't resist when there's such beauty in your family, James. Though I'm not quite sure if it skipped a generation or if you were just some horrible mistake.”

Mrs. Potter laughed and kissed both boys on the forehead.

“Be good.” she reprimanded, and in a moment, both of them were gone.

“So.” James said, after a few minutes of silence, “You never told me you were going to be related to the Malfoys.”

Sirius made a gagging noise.

“Don't make me retch, Potter.”

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2. A Letter and Conversations

Chapter 2: A Letter and Conversations

They next day, James sat on his bed, legs curled up to his chest and an expression of horror written plainly on his features. By his side, Sirius patted him sympathetically.

He held in his hands a letter, written in ink that was similar to the letters he'd received from school numerous times before. At the same time, it seemed to him the most unfamiliar and foreign letter that he'd ever received. It read:

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been made Head Boy of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for the school year of 1977-1978.

On September first, your first duty as Head Boy, along with the Head Girl, is to report to the prefect carriage on the Hogwarts Express and instruct new prefects as to their duties. For the rest of the journey, you will also be expected to patrol the corridors. The privilege of being Head Boy should be taken seriously, and we look forward to a safe and productive school year!

Yours Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall,

Deputy Headmistress

“I can't believe it, Padfoot.” James croaked, “I--what have I done to deserve it?”

“Send it back, Prongs old friend.” Sirius replied, looking as though someone he'd loved very much had just died, “They must have made a mistake.”

“No.” James whispered, “Look, it says my name on it, here…and here…” he pointed to the envelope and letter.

“It's not a mistake. Dumbledore's finally gone completely mad.”

“Send it back.” Sirius repeated, “It's not worth it. Tell them to make Moony do it.”

“What if they have Snape do it?”

Severus Snape was also in their year, and a Slytherin prefect. His marks were excellent, and they knew that Snape had a much more severe approach in his prefect duties than the easygoing Remus. Sirius buried his head in his arms at the thought.

“Either way, it's all over.” James said, “Six years of troublemaking, made completely worthless.”

“It's absolutely sick.” Sirius agreed, “It's cruel, it's…” His eyes widened in horror.

“Dumbledore knew he was doing this!” he cried, horrified, “He knew, he knew we couldn't-- if you were-- and he's--” Sirius stopped, his rage too great to be expressed in words.

James flopped back on the bed, and attempted to use one of his crimson pillows to smother himself.

“At least…at least they've made you Quidditch captain too.” Sirius sighed, spreading himself out next to James and picking up another letter that had been in the envelope, “Though it's probably a further attempt to distract you from pranking.”

“They can't do it.” was James's muffled reply. “I won't let them do this to me.”

“But they already have.” came a voice from the doorway, “It's too late to stop it.”

James and Sirius craned their necks to see who it was. There stood Remus Lupin, their brown-haired, tall, and skinny friend. If possible, he was looking taller and more underfed than ever.

“Moony!” Sirius called, as James buried his head in the pillow once more, “Here I thought I could hear your sobs of disappointment all the way across England. How the bloody hell are you?”

“Surviving.” Remus said, a wide grin spread over his face, “Congratulations on your new position, Potter.”

“Sod off, you unfeeling werewolf.” James replied, “Show some compassion.”

“You'll kill yourself if you keep your head in that pillow, and while that may be your objective, I'd prefer not to witness a suicide while I'm in the room. All that questioning gets so tiresome.”

“And he'd know, James, you know he would.” Sirius said, looking much more cheerful than he had before. He got up and gave Remus a brotherly hug.

“Haven't seen you all summer, mate.” he said. “Been on holiday meeting lovely girls, I hope?”

“Actually, I've been trying to find a job.” Remus said. He followed Sirius and sat on the bed next to him. James lifted his head and asked drearily,

“What for? Isn't life depressing enough?”

“It'll take time to find a job that'll accept werewolves.” Remus said, smiling tiredly, “And I won't be able to move into a flat, the neighbors would get suspicious. Somehow I have to get the money for a house of my own.”

“I'll give you the money.” James and Sirius said at the same time. They glanced at each other, and then at Remus expectantly.

“No thank you.” Remus said, “I'd prefer to earn it myself.”

“Don't be a prat, Remus--”

“Sirius, you haven't got money.” he said calmly, “You left everything you had when you left home.”

Sirius snorted derisively.

“Some home.” he said, “I'd be more than happy to go back and burgle it.”

“No. And as for you, James…” Remus struggled for a reason why not to accept it, and, not finding one, said, “No. Just no.”

Seeing that Remus wouldn't change his mind, James and Sirius went quiet.

“So,” James said finally, “how did you get here?”

“My dad was looking for a new job.” he said, “Something closer to his girlfriend's house.”

James and Sirius exchanged looks again. Remus's mother had died the previous year from cancer, and his father had started dating not long afterwards. Remus had never quite forgiven him for it, and in general, they tried to avoid the subject.

“Er- well-” James wracked his brain for a way to change the subject, and seized upon the first thing he could think of.

“Do you know who Lily Evans is?”

Remus's face brightened a little.

“Yeah. Why do ask?”

“I didn't know who she was.”

Remus raised his eyebrows.

“She's been prefect with me for two years.”

“Well, that's what she said.” James said uncomfortably, “I never noticed.”

“Jamie keeps talking about her.” Sirius said, grinning wickedly, “I think he's enamored.”

“I've talked about her twice, Sirius.” James replied, irritated. “Just want to know who she is, is all.” He turned back to Remus, “She was riding a bicycle by my house yesterday, and she said to say hello to you.” He rolled his eyes, “Maybe she's enamored with you.”

Remus laughed.

“She's been trying to set me up with a girl in her dormitory since I first met her.” he said, “I highly doubt it.”

“So, why don't we know who she is?” Sirius asked, flopping backwards on top of James, making him grunt and cough, “Is she really as ugly as all that?”

“No.” Remus replied thoughtfully, “She's actually quite good looking. It's probably because she's friends with Severus.”

James's eyebrows shot up, but his surprise was nothing compared to Sirius's.

“She's friends with SNIVELLUS?” Sirius cried, bolting up, “What? Snivellus doesn't have friends! Why didn't you mention this before, Lupin?”

“She's nice. She keeps to herself, mostly.”

“It's an outrage. She's in Gryffindor, and she's fraternizing with the enemy. We've got to sort her out. At least make her pay for giving Sniv a friend.” He shivered at the thought.

James said nothing, but he felt slightly uncomfortable. Sirius's eyes were blazing with new passion, and if he knew anything about his best friend, Lily Evans would soon regret ever having met James.

***

Two days later, after Remus had left and he and Sirius had concluded that his attempts at escaping being Head Boy were hopeless, James was sitting on the front porch. He had carefully made sure that Sirius would be busy that afternoon, and though he pretended to be reading Quidditch Through the Ages, he was keeping an eye out for a certain red haired girl. Several times he told himself he was being stupid—who was to say that she would even come again?—but after an hour or so she came, riding the yellow bike and wearing a green tee shirt and jeans. When she got close enough, he called out to her.

“Hi!” she said, stopping her bike and smiling, “It's you again!”

“Yeah,” he replied, running a hand through his hair. Abruptly, he asked, “Are you friends with Snivellus?”

“Who?”

“Snape.”

“Oh, Severus! Yes, I am. So you do know who I am!” She frowned a little. “Why did you call him Snivellus?”

“Er- It's not important.” He said, shaking his head. “Listen, just-”

“I think it is.” she interrupted, “I want to know why you called him that.” She kicked the kickstand on her bike and let it stand alone. She crossed her arms and looked up at James, who was at least full head taller than her, “He's my best friend, and I don't understand why you talk about him that way.”

James didn't like at all the feeling that she was questioning him. He pulled a cigarette out of his back pocket, lit it, and started to smoke irritably. She watched him, her nose working hard not to wrinkle.

“You should stop being friends with him.” James said finally, throwing the butt on the ground and stomping on it. “You'll be sorry if you don't.”

At this, she raised eyebrows and smirked.

“Is that a threat?”

“Not from me!” he said, practically shouting. She took a step back and looked away.

“I'm serious though.” he said, talking quieter and making sure Sirius hadn't heard, “You'll understand someday. You just… you shouldn't”

She smiled at him again, though it looked a little more forced.

“Thank you for your concern.” she said, her hands slowly reaching for her bike, “I appreciate it, but I'll take my chances with whatever will happen. I've made it for six years.”

He watched her kick up the kickstand, climb her bike, and start to ride away, feeling a mixed sense of annoyance and admiration. Surprising himself, he said suddenly,

“Wait!”

This caused Lily to wobble and eventually fall off her bike. James walked up to her, and felt exactly as he had the first day she fell off her bicycle.

“You really are hopeless on that bike.” he said.

She looked up at him deliberately, and said,

“Aren't you going to help me up?”

“No.”

Instead of reaching for his hand as she had before, Lily pushed herself up.

“What did you want to say, James?”

“Would you--I mean--did you want to come inside, for a minute or two?”

She looked surprised.

“Alright.” she said finally. She followed him in, and as she did so, she gasped.

The Potters' home, though it looked somewhat large on the outside, was even bigger on the inside. It was grand and almost reminiscent of a palace, decorated with reds and golds, sweeping rugs and marble floors. Mirrors lined the wall of the main hall, where they had entered, and there was a large and formidable glass chandelier. For about a minute she stared, shock written all over her face. Then she ran back outside, and James, confused, went after her.

She was simply staring at the outside of the house, and when she saw him, she pointed.

“It's--on the outside, it looks like a house--but on the inside, it's like--” She ran back inside, and James started to hold back a laugh.

“It's like a palace.” she sighed. She stared at him, wide eyed.

“It's lovely.” she said after a moment, regaining her composure, “It's probably done by a spell, right?”

James couldn't restrain himself anymore. He laughed loudly, and Lily waited for him to finish, her expression amused.

“Better?” she asked when he was done.

“What do you mean?”

“Well--excuse my saying so--but you've been acting rather strange, and I didn't know if it was in your nature. This just proves you are human, after all.”

“What? That makes no sense!”

She sighed.

“You'll find sometimes I don't make sense, after all.” she smiled at him. “Did you have any more reason for showing me in, or can I assume that you just wanted to further convince me that being friends with Severus is a severe and inexcusable crime?”

He was going to protest but, seeing that she already knew the answer, shook his head.

“Yes, actually, that was about it.”

She bobbed her head in reply.

“I thought so. Thank you very much, but I'll be fine. Really.”

She turned to leave again.

“Wait!”

“You've been saying that a lot. I had no idea I meant so much to you.”

“Funny. No, I was going to say that perhaps you'd--you'd like to come round tomorrow?”

She turned back to face him, the smile that had been on her face even wider. James noticed that she had very small dimples in her cheeks when she smiled widely and wondered, faintly, if it hurt to smile so much.

“Yes, I would. May I ask why?”

“I--I have no idea.”

“You're confused a lot as well, Mr. Potter. But I'll come anyway, as I think you could be a decent fellow, once you learn not to smoke, or call people names, and learn that it's nice to help girls when they fall off their bicycles.”

“If the girl learned to ride her bicycle, it wouldn't be such a problem.” he said grudgingly.

Lily's laugh seemed to echo in his ears even after she was gone.

Authors Note: I forgot to mention last chapter what many of you must have already figured out from the summary or from the story itself: This story is a bit AU. So if anybody sees anything that doesn't seem to jive with canon…it's completely intentional ;)

Also, chapters 3-24 should come relatively quickly, as they are already written and just need to be edited a little bit. Thanks for reading!

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3. Best Friends and Victims

Chapter Three: Best Friends and Victims

“Jamie?” a voice called at the door, “Honey, are you awake?”

James, who had been lying on his bed and staring listlessly at the ceiling, looked to the door of his room to see his mother. Her long hair was out of its usual twist and she herself was in a simple white nightgown. He didn't reply, but she saw he was awake.

“How are you, dear?” she asked gently. She came to sit on the edge of his bed, and smoothed the hair from his forehead.

“Fine.” he said stiffly. He was in one of the moods that often came upon him, late at night. Sirius, who knew all about them, had gone to sleep in the guest bedroom across the hall to avoid him, and that had suited James just fine.

“You look so much like your father.” his mother said, smiling, “You get more and more handsome every day.”

“Hm.”

“I heard that you made Head Boy. And Quidditch captain! I'm so proud of you, darling.”

“Who'd you hear that from? Agnes?” He hadn't mentioned the letters to anyone, and wondered how she'd known.

“No-o.” She said hesitatingly. Her smile faded and she looked away, beginning to toy with the bedspread. “I fired her.”

“Again, Mum?”

“I know you hate how I go through maids. Your father hates it too. But I can't depend on her, that party at the McKinnon's was ever so important, and I was forced to prepare myself.”

“So, where did you hear how I was made Head Boy?”

“Sirius told me.”

“Ah.” James said, looking away from her and diverting his gaze towards the ceiling again.

“You should have told me, James. I would have--”

“Thrown a party? Yeah, I know. Did you ever think that I didn't particularly care to draw attention to it?”

“Why ever not? You're the third generation of Potters to make Head Boy, which is a miracle, considering the men in this family's capacity for troublemaking.”

“I didn't want it. Didn't Sirius tell you that, too?”

“I could tell that Sirius wasn't pleased, but I thought that he was a bit jealous, to be honest.”

James laughed, his voice coming out slightly louder than he'd intended.

“Sirius? Jealous?” he cried incredulously, “Jesus, Mum, he isn't jealous! He realizes that all these things, the—these positions of authority, they aren't as great as you and Dad think they are! And he's right!”

His mother stood up quickly and touched a hand to her cheek, as though she'd been slapped. For a moment, she looked hurt. Then, with what looked like a large amount of effort and discipline, she arranged her face into a frown.

“Don't talk to me like that, James.” she said seriously, “It's time that you learn to grow up.”

“Grow up!” he thundered, jumping up as well, “Grow up! What exactly would you consider growing up? Going to parties, marrying the first pretty pureblood I lay eyes on? Or maybe you'd like it if I had an affair with a married woman, like Dad did. Is that growing up? Is that what would make you happy? Well? Is it?”

Her face and grown white, and she had begun to tremble.

“Don't you say those things to me, James Edward Potter. I won't abide it.”

“Fine.” James replied, backing down and feeling the sleep that had been avoiding him come down suddenly like a wave. He turned away and laid back down on the bed, staring at the opposite wall from the one that held the door.

“Good night, James.” his mother said weakly. He could tell she was silently asking him to turn around, but he remained rigid.

“I'll tell your father you said goodnight.” she sighed, after realizing he wouldn't budge. “He says goodnight and that he's proud as well, of course.”

“Why can't he tell me that himself?” James asked a minute later. Hearing no reply, he craned his neck to see her reaction, and found that she'd already fled. He shrugged, and quickly fell asleep.

***

When Lily came the next day, James had already smoked about half a pack of cigarettes. When she slowed her bike down, she had an expression of extreme pain on her face.

“Please, put those away.” she said, pointing to the half empty packet in his hand. “Please. They make me ill.”

James looked at her, and found himself more than a little nervous to see that, not only did she look pained, but like she was about to throw up. Realizing that he was in the line of fire, he quickly stowed them in his pocket. Lily sighed in relief.

“Thank you.” she said, sliding down to sit next to him.

For a moment or so they sat, saying nothing. James avoided looking at her, though he felt her gaze on him, expectant. He hadn't thought inviting her over this far through, and realized what a dumb idea it was. His mind raced. He tried to think what it was he should propose they do, but really could only think of a voice in his head that sounded extraordinarily like Sirius telling him that snogging, along with the occasional shag, was all that boys and girls really did together.

“Did you want to go inside?” Lily asked finally.

“Sure.” James said, slightly relieved. It was a simple idea, but he hadn't thought of it at all.

“This house really is lovely.” Lily commented as he ushered her in, “So bright.”

“It's ok.”

He lead her through various sweeping halls into a rather large, yet stiff, parlor room, filled with expensive and fragile objects. James wove his way through them expertly to sit on an overstuffed chair, while Lily examined the things on display.

“Don't touch anything.” he commented, not really caring. “Though I doubt my parents would notice, or care for that matter, it would be an awful shame to lose some of them. They're ancient.” James said all this with a slightly sarcastic tone, and he was surprised when Lily caught it.

“I sense your overwhelming reverence.” she teased, “I know the rules of a parlor, anyway.”

“Do you really?”

“My grandmother had a parlor like this when she was alive. They're a bit old though, parlors, aren't they?”

“Not really. Why would you say that?”

“Well, maybe not for wizards, but for muggles…”

“You're not a muggle.”

Lily gave him a look, and James felt another pang of stupidity.

“But then, you're muggleborn, aren't you?”

“And proud.” she added.

“Well done you.” he said dryly. Then he thought of something.

“How are you friends with Sniv-- Snape, then? His family hates muggleborns.”

“It's a bit of a long story.” Lily sighed dramatically. “It's a matter of need, really. It started in first year. He needed a friend, and I needed help with my Defense Against the Dark Arts homework.”

“Why would you ask Snape for help? You could've asked anybody--hell, you could've asked me!”

Lily laughed, inspecting a solid gold coo-coo clock as she did so.

“Come off it, you only figured out who I was a few days ago.” she said, “Besides, Severus knows all about the subject. We have Defense with the Slytherins. Haven't you seen how passionate he is? It gives me chills. He's a brilliant teacher.”

James was disgusted by Lily's gushing.

“Of course he'd know all about it.” he said darkly, “His whole family is a load of dark witches and wizards. There hasn't been one who wasn't in Slytherin for centuries.”

“Oh, poo. What does that matter?”

“A hell of a lot, actually. And I still don't get how you two are best friends.”

“You say the h-word a lot. It's rather unbecoming. And to answer your intended question, I'm not really his best friend. He's just mine.”

Lily saw his blank look and made an impatient noise.

“He has other friends in Slytherin, and a lot outside of school. His best friend is actually a boy called Igor, who lives in a different country. But Severus is my best friend, because he was the first one I had at Hogwarts--the only one, for a while. That makes him `best', at least I think so.”

“Your logic is the strangest I've ever heard.”

“What's this?” she asked, completely changing the subject.

He leaned over to see what she was looking at. Expecting one of the gilded, jewel encrusted, or otherwise expensive looking items, he was surprised to see she was pointing to an old leather ball. It was made of several ancient looking patches of leather, crudely sewn together, and attached to it was a loop of leather. At the sight of it, James got out of his seat and smiled at it fondly.

“It's an ancient quaffle.” he said, “Before there were gripping charms, that's what they used. I forgot we had it.” His forehead creased in bewilderment. “Why this one?”

“What?”

“Why did you ask about this one? I mean, you know, instead of the—the gold, and stuff.” Lily nodded, as though approving of his question.

“It didn't fit. The rest looked so polished, and this looks so-- excuse my saying so, because I can tell you care about it a lot—old and beat up.”

“My mum wanted to get rid of it.” James said, picking it up and stroking it kindly, “But Dad and I are a bit wild over Quidditch, Sirius as well, so she doesn't get rid of it for fear we'll attack her.”

“Sirius?”

“Sirius Black--you do know him, don't you?”

Lily waved a hand at him, as though dismissing him.

“Of course I know who he is. What does he have to do with whether or not you keep a quaffle?”

“He's practically lived here since we became friends. Now he actually does live here. Mum bloody adores him. Dad thinks he's alright too.”

“Oh, is he here?” Lily asked brightly, “Where is he? Maybe we should go see him…”

“No!” James cried, in spite of himself. Sirius had been sincere when he'd devoted himself to getting Lily, and was in fact upstairs, plotting her demise. Though it was slightly amusing, he was also concerned about Lily's safety. Sirius could get out of control unintentionally, and James was genuinely interested in learning more about her. He wasn't going to let his best friend screw things up.

“Why?”

“Because--he's--” James thought quickly, “he's sick.”

“Oh.” Lily said, frowning in disbelief, “I thought that there were plenty of good potions that could fix it. Just give him some pepper-up potion, I think it should clear most symptoms up.”

“Well--er--I would, you see--except that he's--allergic.”

Lily continued to give him the disbelieving look, but after a minute it evaporated.

“Ooooohhhh.” she said, coming to a sudden realization, “I get it. There's something that you're not telling me about him. Something that I probably don't want to know anyway?” She smiled comfortingly. “It's quite alright. I understand.” She came to stand next to James, who had looked away and started playing with the ancient quaffle.

“It's probably time I leave.” she said after a minute, “I think we've fulfilled today's quota of awkward pauses.” she laughed uneasily at herself, then stopped.

“Right.” she said, “There was another one. If you wouldn't mind showing me out, I have no idea how to get back…”

“What? Oh, sure.” James said, putting the quaffle back on the pedestal it had been sitting on. He showed her the way out, and after she had one leg over her bicycle, he said,

“I'm really sorry about all this. I don't even know why I invited you.”

“I'll take that as an insult to yourself, not me.” Lily said lightly. Seeing James's expression as he realized how what he'd said had sounded, she continued to speak.

“Anyways, I quite enjoyed myself, in spite of what you might think of the whole affair. Perhaps I'll come round again soon?”

“How about a week before we go to Diagon Alley for our school stuff?”

“Oh, yes, that's a good idea. I need to go to for some extra things, what with…” she trailed off, lost in thought.

“Lily?”

“Oh, yes.” she said, coming out of a reverie. “Well, I'll see you then, James.” she climbed the rest of the way onto her bicycle and rode off. As her figure faded, he turned to go back inside.

“Well,” a voice from behind him said as soon as he closed the door, “she seems nice.”

He turned around, and saw his mother, watching the whole situation amusedly. She had her hair arranged in a precariously high style, and it was evident from her bottle green robes and thick makeup that she was going to another party. He shook his head at her.

“No. I'm not answering any questions about her. That's final, Mum.”

“Oh, la, Jamie. I didn't talk to her, did I?”

“…no." James didn't bother to mentioned that, in some strange way, this alarmed him even more than if she had.

“I don't think I've ever seen her before. Out of curiosity, which family is she from?” she asked, trying to make light of a question he knew she was dying to know the answer to.

“None.”

“Don't be ridiculous, she must have a family.”

“Not one that matters to you.” He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket. For a second, he stared at it, then put it back. He then resumed conversation as though nothing had happened.

“She's muggleborn, Mum.”

“Oh.” She said, looking surprised. “Well, it takes all sorts to make up a world, I suppose.” She smiled in an almost uncomfortable way, then turned to leave.

James wondered, somewhat sickened, when his mother had ever become such a victim to society.

-->

4. A Yellow Dress and Cooking Lessons

Chapter 4: A Yellow Dress and Cooking Lessons

“So how will we do it, Prongs?”

“What?”

“Get Evans.”

James groaned. For the past week, Sirius had been able to do nothing other than talk about how he was going to get at Lily for, as he put it, “being a disgrace to the Gryffindor name.” James was beginning to suspect that it was just because he was bored. That was the usual reason, after all.

“Why? Just drop it Pads. She didn't do anything.”

Sirius, who had been leaning over a mysterious looking bit of paper, looked up at him very slowly.

“Do mine ears deceive me?” he asked, an expression of disbelief on his face, “Or did a Moonyism come out of your mouth?”

“A--a what?”

“Damn it, James, you're turning into Lupin. You never cared who you pranked before. Come on! If you're afraid of damaging your precious Head Boy position, I swear I'll pin all the blame on myself.”

James leaned over Sirius's shoulder. On the piece of paper, he saw several pranking plots, including slime balloons, colored hair, and incriminating signs on the victim's backs.

“Horrid.” James commented, shaking his head. “Absolutely bloody horrible. These are the oldest, most unimaginative things I've ever seen. I wouldn't touch these with a squealing Slytherin first year.”

“Oughtn't be touching a Slytherin at all, they've got more germs than you can imagine.” Sirius muttered to himself. To James he said, “Well, I'm hopeless James. You know that. Help Me.”

“Don't think I don't know what you're doing, because I do.” James said, scowling. “You're so predictable.”

Sirius simply pouted and gave James a wide eyed stare. James grimaced.

“Something wrong with your face?” he asked.

“Come off it, James.” he said, imitating James's scowl, “You aren't as big as you think you are. I won't hurt her. I know you're bloody in love with her, and I've got some really good plans, I really have.”

“I doubt it.” James muttered. However, he sat down and looked at what Sirius's real plans were, enthusiasm starting to grow and forgetting, for the time, both his duties and who they were specifically plotting against.

***

With Sirius's religious plotting on her behalf, James was surprised at how easy it was to get him out of the way when Lily came. James had conveniently lost some much needed joke supplies, and Sirius had dissapparated over to Diagon Alley that afternoon to get some. Though it was only a week until they were to go again, Sirius had done exactly what James had expected him to.

“A week without our supplies?” he'd cried in horror, “We'll be like troops without weapons! Criminals without lawyers! The queen without her knickers!”

James had been so disturbed by this last analogy that he'd willingly allowed Sirius to eat the rest of his lunch. This, he had felt, was intentional, and considered the sabotage to his appetite highly offensive.

Lily came at a quarter to two, and James blinked in disbelief at the bright yellow sundress she was wearing. It hurt his eyes to look at it, and he instantly started blinking back tears from its brightness, which reflected the unusually sunny day. She laughed when she saw his face.

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing, nothing.” James said quickly, avoiding looking at the dress. She watched him for a minute, then set the bike down on the porch.

“You hate it, don't you?” she sighed.

“Hate….what?”

“My hair. It's horribly done.”

Her hair, which he'd barely noticed due to the yellow abomination she was wearing, was done up in daisy clips and pinned with a larger clip in the back.

“It's fine.” he said weakly.

“Well there's something amiss.” she said, watching him again. “Honestly, tell me.”

“No--it's not--”

“Tell me, Potter!”

“What the hell are you wearing?” he exploded finally, “It makes you look like—damn it, I don't know, but it's going to burn someone's eyes out! What were you thinking when you wore that?”

She burst out laughing.

“Thank you!” she said brightly, whipping out her wand. She pointed it at herself, said a spell under her breath, and instantly her dress became much darker with a more golden hue.

“Don't thank me, thank God.” James said, wiping tears that had begun dripping down his face. “Merlin, what the hell was that?”

“It was a test.” she said.

“A--a test?”

“Yes, a test. You see, when I last came, I got the impression that you hold things inside a lot. I just wanted to know if you were like that for all things, like opinions. That can be quite dangerous, you know.”

James stared for a long minute at her. Then he asked, slowly, in case she was truly off her rocker,

“How did you survive six years around Snape?”

“He doesn't have the same problems you do, so I don't have to act like that for him. If he abhors something, or feels the urge to comment on something, he does exactly what he likes. Besides, I've learned from past experience that muted tones are best with him.”

“Past experience, huh?”

“Yes. Shall we go inside?”

“No.” James said quickly. He knew for a fact that his mother was entertaining guests in the parlor, and he could only imagine what she'd say. `This is James's friend. Not his girlfriend of course. She's muggleborn, aren't you dear? It's quite alright, we know you can't help your lineage…' He almost shivered at the thought.

“Well then…” she seemed to be thinking, then smiled, and hit her head in realization.

“Of course, I should invite you to where I'm staying.” she said, smiling. “If you'd like, you can meet my mum, she's off work. Petty might be, too.”

“Your mum? Petty?” James asked, his voice going up by at least an octave or two. Something Sirius had once said ran through his brain: `Never, ever visit a girl's mum unless you're either marrying her or you've gotten her pregnant.' James hadn't bothered to ask how Sirius had known this, as he generally accepted everything he said about girls to be true.

“Petty's name is actually Petunia.” she added, “And she's my sister. Don't worry about meeting them. They're nice, I promise.”

“They won't think that you and I are--that we're--”

“Dating?” Lily finished, “Oh, no. They always tell me to bring Severus around, and they know I'm not dating him.” she laughed a little. “That would be sort of funny, though. Me, bringing a boyfriend home.”

“Why?”

“It's an idiotic ritual. Something completely invented by some form of media in order to create hostility and fear between boyfriends and possible in-laws.”

“I see.”

“I suppose we could dissaparate.” she continued, “I could just hold on really tight to the bike and…listen, get in your mind a picture of an off-white house with blue curtains and a silver car. I'll hold your hand, and I think it should be enough to--what is it?”

James had taken an involuntary step back while she'd been talking.

“What is it? Is it the--oh. It's the hand holding.” she strode up to him, very close, and gazed right up at him. She searched his eyes and then looked away, clicking her tongue disapprovingly.

“Obviously you have more problems than I first thought. I'll let you in on a secret, James. One that most men never hear in their lives.” She took his hands in hers. “The secret is: you don't always have to be stereotypically male. Holding hands and hugging are normal. Crying is not bad. And pink is ok. Pink is not a girl color. It is a fusion of red and white that is very becoming to dark features, and would in fact go very nicely with your dark hair and tanned skin.”

James looked down at her hands, trapping his, and felt just as uncomfortable as before he had learned of this “secret”. Apparently, Lily could tell, because she looked extremely disappointed.

“Just hold my hand and trust me.” she said. She kept hold of one of his hands, and with her free hand she withdrew her wand from a large pocket in her dress. She tucked the bike close to her with her elbow, closed her eyes, and with a jolt, James found himself whipping past land at an abnormal speed. Before he even had a moment, he was in the exact same position as he had been before, except he was now in front of the white house Lily had described. He looked all around, and realized that they were in a town not too far from his house. In fact, he could just see the dark spot of his slate roof downhill.

“Why do you take a bike?” he asked, following Lily as she wheeled said bike to the side of the house, “I mean, obviously you can dissaparate.”

“I like it.” she replied, putting the kickstand down and sticking her wand in her pocket. “It reminds me of before I found out I was a witch.”

“I can't imagine not knowing I was a wizard.” James said, realizing he'd never thought of it before. It frightened him a little, just the thought of not having magic.

“It was simpler then.” she said. “It's a bit hard to remember…certainly less conveniences, but you didn't have to worry about dark wizards. They were a matter of imagination.” She seemed to be far away, her eyes misted over and her gaze unfocused. Then she shook her head and smiled at him.

“Imagine my disappointment when I realized all my primary school lessons were for naught.” Seeing his blank look, she added, “It's muggle school.”

“When do muggles go to school?”

“As soon as their parents get tired of them.”

“I suppose my parents would have sent me straight off. Well, never mind. My mum would still have me at home.”

Lily laughed, then pulled some keys out of her pocket. She unlocked the door to the house, then paused, glancing at James.

“That's another thing that's different when you know about the wizarding world.” she said, “You realize that locks are worthless.”

He said nothing and tracked in after her.

“Lily? Is that you?” A red haired woman came out, her hair askew and wearing jeans and a work shirt, covered with a giant red apron. “Your father's going to be home early, so we really need to get a start on supper--” She stopped, spotting James. “Hello.” she said, smiling. “How are you?”

“Mum, this is James.” Lily said, gesturing towards James. “James, this is my mum.”

“Nice to meet you.” James said, feeling slightly self conscious. Lily's mother walked up to him and shook his hand firmly.

“He lives in the giant house down at the bottom of the hill.” Lily added. Her mother's face brightened with recognition.

“I know where you're talking about.” her mother said, her grin widening and resembling Lily's greatly. “Well, it's nice to meet you, as I said. I'm Anna, by the way. We just moved here, I'm sure you wondered why you'd never seen Lily around before.”

James turned red and stared at his feet. He hadn't really thought of it, and wondered if Lily's mother had any idea that he hadn't even known her daughter's name a few weeks before.

If Lily was thinking along the same lines, she didn't show it.

“I'd like to introduce you to Petty.” she said, glancing around, “Mum, where is she?”

“She's with some new boyfriend or other.” Anna replied, rolling her eyes. Lily mirrored her look.

“Well, I suppose we really do have to start on dinner, then.” She turned to James, “Petty's the best cook, we're hopeless without her.”

“Speak for yourself, dear.” Anna said, glancing back at the kitchen, as though she'd left something in the oven that she was afraid would burn. “I need to go. Lily, come up soon. James, feel free to join us.” She dashed back into the kitchen, not waiting for a reply. Lily looked at James expectantly.

“Can you cook?” she asked bluntly.

“I've never….I mean, I don't know whether….”

“You mean you've never even tried?” she asked, her eyes widening. She gripped his wrist and pulled him behind her. “You can't be serious, I don't care if you've a house elf who does it for you, you must learn.”

“Er--alright.”

She soon set him to work, chopping onions. He never imagined that he would be taking orders from a girl, least of all cooking, and he was surprised to find how easily she bossed him around. He was obedient to her, however, and he was just starting to realize that cooking was not unlike Potions class when his eyes began to tear up.

“What--what's happening?” he gasped, stepping away from the chopping board he'd been standing at. He wiped the tears from his eyes and cried out even more.

Lily's laughter shocked him.

“What the hell is going on, Evans?” he cried angrily, “Make it stop!”

“Calm down, James.” she said, pulling his hands from his eyes, “It's the onion. It makes your eyes water. Now--no, stop, stop, you're making it worse.” James found it hard to be convinced of her sincerity, especially because she giggled between every other word. He hoped for some help from her mother, but Anna continued cooking, hiding a smile and shaking her head.

“I've cried more in a day with you than I have in years.” he grumbled. Lily nodded sagely, bringing a wet cloth she had gotten to his eyes. He sighed in relief.

“That was the point, didn't you know?” she said jokingly, “Look how open you're becoming!”

“To hell with that.” he said, eyes still smarting.

“Watch it.” Anna said, pointing a large and extremely menacing knife at him. “I like to keep my kitchen clean, and I won't have you dirtying it with your mouth.”

“Sorry.” he mumbled. Meekly, he cut the other vegetables that Lily assigned for him. Before too long had passed, they had a full meal prepared. Chicken, salad, and a bowl of pudding were neatly arranged on the table. Lily patted James on the shoulder and sighed contentedly.

“Wasn't that fun?” she asked sweetly.

“Wasn't bad.” he said. In reality, he had enjoyed it more than he cared to admit. Though he knew a meal of better quality could easily be made with the flick of a wand, he enjoyed the feeling of making something with his own hands.

“Did you want to stay for dinner too, James?” Anna asked, “Petunia and my husband will be home soon, and I'm sure they'd love to meet you.”

James was about to agree when he saw the clock on the wall. It said a quarter to six. Sirius would have arrived home already, and would be looking for him. “Shi….oot.” he said, seeing Lily's mother's pointed look. “I can't. I have to do something at home.”

It was a weak excuse, but it worked. Lily showed him to the door, then leaned against the doorframe.

“Thank you for your help.” she said, “Really. I know Severus never would have…”

“I'm not Snape.” he said firmly.

“It doesn't make you better.” she reprimanded.

“Hm.” he said, knowing full well his feeling of superiority showed in his voice.

“Accio cigarettes.” she said calmly. Instantly, the packet flew into her hand. James reached for the now empty pocket automatically, then looked up at her. She pulled one out and inspected it interestedly. He flushed, feeling as though she was trying to prove that he indeed was just as much in the wrong.

“Don't.” James said strongly. He took it from her hand and jammed it into the box, the cigarette bending under his grip.

“I wasn't going to.” Lily replied. “But it still eludes me as to why you would.”

“Why do you make such a big deal out of them?” he asked impatiently. He took the box from her hand and stuffed it from her pocket. “How can you survive in this country when everybody uses them? And more?”

She ignored his question.

“You should stay for supper someday.” she said. “School will be starting, so perhaps Christmas holiday?”

“Maybe.” he growled. “I have to go.”

“Ok.” she said faintly. He pulled his wand out of his pocket and disapparated. Just before he disappeared, he thought Lily might have called out to him, but he told himself it was just his imagination.

-->

5. A Broomstick and Snivellus

Chapter 5: A Broomstick and Snivellus

James smiled.

Before him, in the window of the Quidditch supply shop, was a brand new broomstick. It was the most beautiful broomstick he'd ever seen, and he wanted it more than he'd ever wanted anything in his life. He touched the glass longingly and once more reread the card detailing the attributes of the broom, the Nimbus 1500. His hands itched for it, and he could barely keep from pressing his nose against the glass like the many eleven- and twelve-year-olds that surrounded him and joined in his admiration.

A hand at his back made him jump, and he quickly whirled around, wand already drawn. There stood Sirius, draped in the plum colored cloak he'd insisted on wearing that day. He let out a barking laugh, and James lowered his wand.

“One of these days, I'll get you,” he muttered.

“Sure.” Sirius said, “I'd like to see you try.” James was just about to suggest that he would do just that when Sirius caught sight of the broom.

“Bloody hell.” he breathed, “That's a broom.”

“Well spotted.” James said dryly.

“Come on, let's ask how much it is.”

“Too much. My parents have tightened my spending money.”

Sirius dismissed him with an airy gesture.

“We'll just pop in and take a look.”

Sirius was already stepping into the store, so James reluctantly followed him. Once inside, Sirius went up to the balding man at the counter, who was polishing a display of snitches.

“Hello, my good man.” Sirius said to him, “I want to inquire about that fine broomstick in your window.”

“Ah, that one's a beauty, in'it?” the man said. “Nimbus 1500, they've outdone themselves this time. Completely revolutionized the broomstick, those men have.”

“I quite agree, er--” Sirius paused and read a bright nametag pinned to the man's shirt, “Albert. Lovely name. Could you tell me how much they are?”

“100 galleons apiece, young man.” At this, Albert looked a little mournful, “If I made a few more galleons at this job, I'd buy it meself, but it does cost to get the best.”

Sirius looked thoughtful, while James stared at Albert with wide eyes.

“That's a small fortune.” he gasped. He rounded on Sirius. “Come on, Sirius, there's no way in hell my parents will let me spend that kind of money.”

“I know.” Sirius said, and his face took on an expression of resolve. He took a step closer to the counter and withdrew a large bag from the cloak he wore. He plunked it on the counter and grinned.

“Give me two. I think you'll find everything in order.” he said. “And I expect to receive fifty galleons back, mind you. I know exactly how much is in there.”

Albert tried his best not to look surprised as he began counting the money with his wand, but James didn't bother to hide his shock.

“Bloody hell.” he whispered, “Sirius did you--did you kill somebody?” He noted Sirius's pleased expression with growing concern.

“Jamie, Jimmy, who do you think I am?”

“You.”

“Right.” Sirius dusted a speck off his cloak and watched with false concentration as Albert continued his counting.

“How did you get it?”

Sirius looked as though he'd been waiting forever for James to ask. “Uncle Alphard.”

“Who?”

“My uncle, Uncle Alphard. He died.”

James wasn't sure if he should be offering his congratulations or condolences. Therefore, he settled for a vague “Hmm.”

“He left me all his money, the good chap.” Sirius said, dashing invisible tears of joy from his eyes, “Never properly gave him credit, but he came through for me…almost makes me regret the time I kidnapped his kneazle and threw him to the giant squid.”

“Done!” cried Albert triumphantly. He returned fifty galleons, then came out from behind the counter and went into the storeroom. He emerged a moment later, gingerly carrying two broomsticks wrapped in brown paper.

“You're a good man, Albert.” Sirius said, winking at him. He lifted the brooms to rest on his shoulder and walked out of the store, still managing to look completely at ease. James hastened after him.

“Sirius, what the hell?” James whispered to him, ignoring how people were staring, “Even if your uncle did leave you money, you can't just--”

“Look, James, do you want the broom or not? I'll give it back if it bothers you that much. No good if you don't want it.” Sirius's expression had darkened considerably, and James knew his best friend well enough not to argue any more.

“I want it,” he said, grinning as the realization of owning the broomstick fully hit him. Sirius's face brightened, and he shrugged off one of the brooms, leaving James to make a grab not unlike one he'd use in Quidditch to keep it from hitting the ground.

“Good.” Sirius said as James imitated his carrying method, “It was bothering my shoulder.”

James rolled his eyes.

“Listen,” Sirius continued, “how about we dump all this in our room and look for Moony, eh? No use looking for Wormtail, he'll manage to show up sooner or later. Probably the only real talent I've ever seen out of him.”

“I'm surprised you're not--” James stopped. He'd been about to say `looking for your brother'. Normally they'd help Regulus with his school shopping on Mrs. Black's strict instruction. That was not to say that the brothers enjoyed doing so, but there was a clear sense of duty and both brothers had come to accept the tradition. Obviously, though, since Sirius had run away from home that wouldn't happen this year. He glanced at Sirius, who hadn't seemed to notice and sighed. He had been stepping on eggshells with him lately, even more so than usual.

“What? Surprised I'm not what?”

“Nothing.”

“What?”

“It's nothing.”

Sirius didn't have time to protest, because at that moment he was ambushed.

“Argh!”

James laughed at the sight. Sirius's broom had dropped to the ground as a girl with brown hair had launched herself at him and was clinging to him, her legs wrapped around his waist and arms draped over his neck.

“Sirius!” she squealed into his ear.

“Which one is this, Sirius?” James laughed.

“Dunno.” Sirius grunted darkly. “Oy, you--yes, you, off for a moment, let's get a look at you.”

The girl reluctantly let go of him, and James could see that it was Dorcas Meadowes, a fifth year girl who was in Ravenclaw and, if he remembered correctly, was a decent keeper on their Quidditch team. She herself was not what he would consider extremely attractive, but she was by no means ugly.

“Sirius, I'm so glad to see you, I thought that I wouldn't be able to until school started.” she said breathlessly.

Sirius rubbed the back of his neck and threw James a discreet look that had become their signal for `Help me'. James, however, was curious, and therefore chose not to notice.

“And I'm so sorry, I know I owled you, but I really wasn't able to respond to the one you sent me at the beginning of August, my family and I went on holiday to Egypt at the end of July, and we've only just gotten back, and well--I hope you'll forgive me.” She flushed bright red, probably realizing that she was gushing.

“No, er--it's okay. Really.” Sirius gave the signal again, this time glancing at James's broomstick pointedly as though to say `I can still take it back.' It was then that James chose to intervene.

“Hey, Dorcas.” James said, “It's lovely to see you again.”

Dorcas raised her eyebrows. James had teased her rather mercilessly in the past, and while she may have forgotten any qualms she had about Sirius, such graces had apparently not been extended to him.

“Really.” she said suspiciously, “Is that so?”

“Er--yes.” he said, wondering why the hell he did these things for Sirius, “In fact, it's--oh, shit Sirius, look, there's Lupin.”

Sirius grinned at James appreciatively.

“Right. Sorry, love, but Lupin's a bit of a testy fellow, and--”

“Oh, I know Remus.” Dorcas said, smiling brightly, “I'm a prefect this year, so I need to speak with him anyway.”

Sirius's smile evaporated. Seeing this, James quickly cut in,

“But surely, you would want to speak to the Head Boy?” He was thinking quickly, and Sirius was looking at him as though he'd gone mad.

“Yes.” Dorcas said, lifting her chin, “That's why I'm going with you to speak to Remus.”

“But—er—Remus isn't Head Boy.” James wiped his hands on his pants, hoping she'd fall into his trap.

Dorcas was visibly shocked.

“Well--well then who is?”

“No idea.” James said smoothly, relieved that things were going as he'd hoped, “Your guess is as good as mine. Better, in fact. But now we really need to…” He trailed off, allowing Dorcas to assume what she wanted about what they really had to do.

“What? Oh yes, yes.” Dorcas seemed to be in a daze, and James guessed that she was going through every other eligible candidate there could be for the position. A smug smile growing on his face, he strolled away.

“How did you--where the hell did that come from?” Sirius hissed at him incredulously after he'd picked up his broom and scampered after him.

“Simple.” James said breezily, “I'm the one person in the world who she won't expect to get it.”

“See, I knew there must be something I liked about you.”

“I wish I could say the same for you.” James retorted, “Honestly, Dorcas Meadowes?”

“I was lonely. Very lonely.”

“I had no idea you resorted to cradle robbing.”

“I hardly call snogging a girl two years my junior cradle robbing.”

“And you wrote to her?”

“Whatever things have been said among my acquaintances and rivals, `Sirius Black is cold-hearted' is not one of them, Prongs.”

“But `Sirius Black is a lying, cheating bastard' is.”

Sirius laughed.

“You're jealous.”

James scoffed.

“Sure I am.”

It was then that they did spot Remus, sitting outside the Leaky Cauldron and reading a book.

“Moony!”

After having put away and explained the broomsticks and laughed about Dorcas, the three boys headed to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. James and Sirius had just finished placing bets on how long it would take for Peter to catch up with them, and they had just received their ice cream, when Snape appeared, brooding and looking like the bright weather did not at all agree with him.

“This is what I love, mates.” Sirius said loudly, “The taste of ice cream and fresh new opportunities to spend time with Snivellus. Hey there, Snivelly!”

Snape, who had been slightly hunched over and squinting his eyes, looked up at Sirius with a scowl.

“Well if it isn't Black, Potty, and Lupin.” His gaze rested on Remus a moment longer, calculating. “Glad to see we've all grown up, hm?”

“All that's grown is your nose. Honestly Snivelly, you must be doing something to it, it's absolutely huge.” As Sirius said this, James looked at the aforementioned nose and realized that it was indeed larger, due to a swelling bruise that was coloring his otherwise pallid face. Though he'd heard things about Snape senior, he ignored the queasy feeling in his stomach and told himself that Snivellus had probably hit the giant thing on a door.

Snape sneered.

“Say what you like, but I'd be careful. Especially when you yourself have such secrets on your conscience. ” His gaze rested on Remus once more, and Remus raised his eyebrows as Sirius turned scarlet. Snape, at the end of sixth year, had become increasingly bothersome in his questions of Remus's whereabouts during the full moon--so much, in fact, that they had all begun to worry that he knew the truth about Remus's condition.

“Shut it, or I'll be forced to hex you, Snivelly.” Sirius growled.

“Is that supposed to scare me?” Snape asked darkly. Sirius was about to reply when someone appeared at Snape's elbow. James's stomach became even more nauseous when he saw that it was Lily.

“Severus, what are you doing?” she asked brightly. She followed his stare and James looked down when she started to watch them as well. He continued to watch from the corner of his eye, and saw that for a moment she was going to say something to him, then shook her head and said quietly,

“Come on, Severus. It's too early for ice cream, and I have to get some Head Girl stuff anyway.”

Severus scowled at her, but he complied. After they'd walked away, Sirius shook his head.

“Damn.” he said, “And I'd so missed hexing Snivelly. And who was that girl who was with him? Was that--” his eyes widened, “Was that Lily Evans?”

“Yes.” Remus said, not realizing Sirius's newfound obsession with her.

“I'd never seen her.” Sirius said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “But this--this is brilliant.”

“Why?”

“Because Prongs is Head Boy, and if she's Head Girl, then it'll make everything so much simpler.”

“What?”

Sirius, lost in thought, did not answer Remus's question.

“James, what is he talking about? James?”

James wasn't listening. It had hit him, heavier than the knowledge that he owned a new broomstick, what this would mean. While James was a prankster, he knew that what Sirius was planning was wrong. Especially after having gone to her house and met her mother…

“James!”

“What?” James shook himself out of his reverie, the queasiness in his stomach having reached its worst point.

“Your ice cream's melting.”

“Bugger.”

Cleaning up the dripping mess with a flick of his wand, James decided that since meeting Lily Evans, things in his life had gone from bad to worse. Something needed to be done about it.

-->

6. A Meeting and a Note

Chapter 6: A Meeting and a Note

James collapsed in a seat in the Prefect compartment miserably. He was the first one there, which was so out of character for him that he felt quite disgruntled. It had all been at Sirius's urging; “Give you some time to get to know Lily better, eh?” he'd said. James hoped that she would be the last person in, or at least not the first.

He soon found that he was short on luck, because as soon as he got comfortable in his seat, Lily appeared. She looked rather disheveled, and kept glancing out the compartment door.

“Well, that was odd.” she said pleasantly, “It would seem that I was being chased by a runaway trunk.”

James had to blink a few times to make sure he was seeing right, because as she spoke he saw a flying trunk whiz off of its own accord. He had a sneaking suspicion that he'd seen Sirius's name engraved in the side, and the burn mark where the Black family coat of arms used to be was almost unmistakable.

“Er- that's funny.” he said, trying not to sound too annoyed.

“Nice to see you again.” she said, “Though I should tell you you're not supposed to be in here. It's only prefects and Head students.”

“Oh. Er--” He didn't know quite what to say. He felt that she was right and that he should leave at once. “Well, you see, actually, I'm Head Boy.” He winced; that sounded a lot like a Moonyism, as Sirius would call it.

Lily's eyebrows shot up.

“Really?”

“Er--yes.”

“And here I thought Severus had gotten it and was too modest to tell me. Hm.”

“Snivellus? Modest?” James laughed, “If he'd gotten it, he'd be telling everyone. Gryffindor would have lost all of our House Points by now.”

“Don't call him Snivellus.” For the first time since he'd met her, Lily looked angry. James shrugged, which seemed to make her even more annoyed.

“You're Head Boy now,” she said sharply, “and you can't--you won't abuse it. I won't have it.”

“What are you--”

“You can't use your power as Head Boy to take points off of Slytherin and to torture them. You have a responsibility. We do. Do you have any idea how vast a concept it is? We're, in essence, adults now.” She gave him a hard look and James felt a knot in his stomach at thinking about being an adult. He pushed it out of his mind and put on a grin.

“Yeah, right. I don't even want this job. It's just something Dumbledore gave to me.” He examined his nails and pretended to be as flippant as he sounded. Lily's stare bore into him.

“Well then, why don't you resign?”

“And let Snivellus have it? I'd have to be crazy to do that, Evans.” He could feel Lily flinch at addressing her by her surname. What he didn't expect was the back of her hand on his forehead.

“Are you feeling alright?” she asked concernedly.

“I'm fine.” He swatted her hand away and crossed his arms.

“Why are you getting so defensive?”

“I'm not defensive.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No I'm not!”

“What are you doing right now? Defending.”

“I'm not--look, what else am I supposed to say when you accuse me of being defensive?”

“Admit that you are being defensive.”

“So what if I am?”

“It means you're hiding something. Something's happened.” She put a finger to her lips and looked him over appraisingly.

“Um-excuse me?” Dorcas Meadowes had popped her head in, and James had never been happier to see her. “Were all the Prefects supposed to meet in here now?”

“Yes.” he said, so relieved that he decided to act like a proper Head Boy for the time being, “You're the first Prefect here, and once the others get here, we'll start.”

“What are you doing here, Potter?” she asked haughtily.

“I'm Head Boy.”

Dorcas pointed at James and laughed.

“You have a problem, Meadowes?” he asked sharply.

“You? You're—you're—” James began to get angry at her reaction. Really, he didn't think all of that was necessary.

“I'm Head Boy. Hey,” he added, as she continued to laugh, “how about I tell Sirius that you're the girl who stole his underwear and smelled it?”

“What? I never—”

“Keep laughing and he'll think you did.”

That made her shut her mouth.

After that, he let Lily handle everything, his eyes glazing over and slowly fell asleep as the meeting began. He was only jolted to attention once, when an eerie silence fell and he realized she had asked him a question. He looked around nervously and his gaze rested on Remus, who he hadn't noticed when he came in, and was now mouthing the words `say no'.

“Er--no.”

Lily looked away, seeming disappointed and slightly agitated, and continued with whatever she was saying. James nodded his thanks to Remus and drifted back into his stupor.

“James.”

He woke up, not realizing that he'd actually fallen asleep. His vision was blurry, and he saw that the person standing above him, who's voice was Sirius's, was dangling glasses shaped objects over his face.

“I would say that that's Sirius,” James said, “but I know that my best mate isn't so much of a git that he'd steal my glasses.”

“Didn't steal them.” the person said, dropping the glasses on his face, “Only inspecting them. Dirt and all that. Train rides can be messy business.”

James put his glasses on and saw that it was indeed Sirius, arms crossed and a smirk playing on his lips.

“Where is everyone?”

Sirius pretended to look out the compartment door.

“Patrolling corridors, I should think. Your movement to break away from that sort of nonsense is inspiring.”

James laughed hollowly. He remembered what Lily had said about responsibility and stood up.

“Maybe I should too.” he said offhandedly, “Don't want Evans snapping at me or anything.”

Sirius shook his head.

“Little bitch. Did you talk to her?”

“About what?”

“About what?” Sirius repeated incredulously, “I chased her with a bloody flying trunk to get her here! The least you could do is think of something to talk about! D'you know which she hates more, spiders or rats? Or is she one of those oddballs who loves all animals and doesn't wear a bra?”

“Er- I'm pretty sure she wears a bra. Not that—not that I've been looking.” James could almost feel himself turn red as he tried, unsuccessfully, to erase what he'd just said.

Sirius gave him an odd look.

“Either you're much stupider when you wake up than I thought or you're ill. Get out of my sight, Potter. You disgust me.”

“Likewise, Black.” They gave each other matching grins and James left to patrol corridors. He wasn't surprised that Lily was quick to find and catch up with him. She walked alongside him in silence, and then,

“Glad to see you've woken up from your nap.”

“Hm.”

“Perhaps we should continue our conversation from earlier?”

“I'd prefer it if we didn't.”

“Touchy.”

“Hm.”

“Since you're feeling so articulate, would you at least tell me why you've been treating me so oddly today?”

“I'm not.”

“We're not getting anywhere with this.”

“Do you need to get anywhere with it? What happens with me is none of your concern. I didn't ask for you to come prying in my business.”

Lily bit her lip, and James looked away.

“It's--don't go near Snape. Just trust me, you don't want to.”

“So that's what this is about. Again.”

“I'm trying to help you here, alright?”

“If you were really trying to help me then you would stop warning me over and over again to stop being friends with Severus and just tell me what's really going on. Better yet, you could tell Sirius to stop whatever he's playing at.”

Seeing his look of surprise, she smiled grimly at him.

“Don't think I don't know he's involved. I know how you work, James. You don't do something without the other one being involved, and if I had to guess, he's the one behind whatever you're talking about.”

James flushed at her uncanny accuracy.

“You don't me and you know what you're dealing with.” he fumed, “Even if you never saw Sirius again in your life, you'd still get in trouble by being friends with Snape. He's no good, and he'll turn on you if it means getting in good with the other Purebloods.”

“Is that so?” Lily asked angrily, “Prove it.”

“I don't have to.”

“I think I have significantly more proof of his redeeming qualities than you do of his bad ones.”

“You don't know what you're talking about.”

Lily planted her hands on her hips.

“This conversation, as you said before, is going nowhere, especially when you insist that I don't know anything. You can either clarify your meaning or I'll be forced to extricate it from you myself.”

“And how do you plan on doing that?”

Lily smiled.

“I have my ways.”

“Somehow I doubt that.”

“I know more than you think. For example, I certainly won't be surprised when you make an attempt to prank me. Don't even bother trying to look shocked that I know, I'm not an idiot.”

James did as she said and didn't look surprised. Rather, he looked away.

“Pranking doesn't scare me.” she continued.

“Then you don't know how bad it can get.” James muttered.

“Don't get sullen on me, James Potter.”

“I have to go.” he said, shaking his head. He knew that he was messing things up--he'd been close to getting rid of her completely, but he'd made the mistake of warning her again--and he could tell from the chummy way she was talking to him that he wouldn't be able to shake her off now.

“Say something. Please.”

“I have nothing to say.” he said honestly. Then he walked away, and she didn't follow him.

***

“She knows.” James told Sirius at dinner. Sirius took a sip of pumpkin juice, his expression nonchalant, then cocked his eyebrow.

“Who knows what?”

“Lily knows that you're planning on doing something.”

Sirius ran a hand through his hair.

“Firstly, I notice that you refer to it as something that I alone am doing. As I recall, you were planning on helping me. And, secondly, it's to be expected that she expects something. The trick of a great prank is we have to get her when she least expects it. Or something like that.” He shook his head dazedly.

“If you don't mind me asking,” Remus interrupted, “I wouldn't mind knowing what you're talking about. Peter probably wouldn't, either.” Peter nodded.

“I ought to only tell Wormtail.” Sirius said, his expression clouding, “He's the only one of you sorry blokes who'll help me.” Peter seemed pleased with this favoritism, and thus chose that moment to speak.

“Thanks Sirius. Getting some Slytherins, are we?” James almost missed it, but he thought he saw something strange stir in Peter's eyes when he said that. It passed in an instant, however, so he ignored it.

“No. Even better. We're getting the Head Girl.”

“Oh, you're still going on about that, are you?” Remus asked, losing interest at once. “Well, I can't say I approve, but what else is new, hm?” He turned back to the book he'd propped up on the table. James watched him read jealously. He wished it were so easy to get out of some of the things that Sirius roped him into doing.

“Oh, that's brilliant, Sirius! Sounds really wicked.” Peter's enthusiasm had certainly increased, and he began voicing Sirius's praises to an extent that James turned to him and said disgustedly,

“Why don't you shut it, Wormtail?”

Peter did abruptly, giving James a look that held both hurt and something tiny and smoldering that seemed misplaced in Peter's pudding-like face.

“You alright?” James asked suddenly.

“What?” His expression evaporated at once, replaced with confusion.

Sirius kicked James and said, “I think there's something wrong with James. What the hell is happening with you?” He turned to Remus and Peter, “Ever since he got that Head Boy letter he's been odd. Funny in the head, if you know what I mean.”

“Why don't you discuss this when I'm not here?” James asked peevishly.

“Well, I'm more likely to get an answer if you hear it straight from your best mate, right? Unless that's changed too.”

“Don't be a git.”

“Then tell me.”

“It's…” he trailed off, not wanting to say it was Lily. That was the last thing he should say if he was wanting not to be involved. “My parents. They're obsessed with the whole Head Boy thing.”

Sirius nodded.

“Understand that completely, mate. Parents are a pain in the arse, aren't they? Not that we aren't sorry about your mum, Moony.” he added quickly. Remus looked up and gave him a tight smile, showing that he had indeed been listening.

“No harm done, Sirius.”

“Excellent.” Sirius said briskly. They finished their dinner discussing trivial things and soon got up to leave, Sirius and Peter heading straight for the dormitories while Remus went to collect the first years. James ambled over to where Dumbledore was sitting to get the house passwords. As Dumbledore told him, he realized that Lily had come to stand by his side and listen as well.

“I'll tell Hufflepuff and Slytherin theirs.” Lily said quickly, “James, you can go tell the Ravenclaw Prefects.” James could tell at once why she'd done this--Ravenclaw was the smartest house and would therefore be able to tell if he was lying about their real password. He bristled; he hadn't even been planning on messing them up.

“I'm surprised, Mr. Potter.” Dumbledore said. James jumped; he'd forgotten that he was still standing there.

“Why?”

“I would have expected you to question your position as Head Boy.” Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled merrily behind his spectacles, as though he was excited to hear whatever James had to say on the subject. For a moment, James considered saying, `Yes Professor, I would love to know why the hell you gave me this job.', but decided against it. Instead, he said simply,

“No Professor. I guess you have your reasons.”

Dumbledore's look was enough to confirm that he didn't believe a word of it.

“You should hurry then, James. I believe the Ravenclaws are waiting for you.” Indeed, the Ravenclaw Prefects looked as though they'd very much like to get along to their common room and wouldn't mind giving James a piece of their minds.

James quickly went to tell the Ravenclaw Prefects their password (`phoenix feather'), then joined Lily and the Gryffindor Prefects to escort the first years to the portrait of the fat lady.

As they walked, him and Lily bringing up the rear, Lily slipped her hand into his. James jumped what felt like a mile, confused and alarmed. She rolled her eyes as she quickly let go of him and James saw that she had slipped a note into his hand. The initial shock quickly wore off, and was replaced with embarrassment. It was an odd feeling, one that he wasn't very used to, and he didn't think he liked the feeling of inadequacy he kept getting. Muttering curse words under his breath that neither made sense nor had much purpose, he unfolded the tiny wad of paper. It read:

James,

Meet me in the astronomy tower at 11. I'm aware what that sort of thing usually means, but it doesn't, I swear.

Lily

James crumpled the paper and put it in his pocket, then determinedly avoided looking at Lily the rest of the way to the common room.

-->

7. A Tower and a Chicken

Chapter 7: A Tower and a Chicken

“Why am I here?” James asked himself, ruffling his hair self-consciously and yawning. He stood, shivering, in the astronomy tower, but for an hour he had been lying in his bed, pretending to sleep and wondering if he should even go in the first place.

“I have no idea.” came a voice from the shadows, “I honestly didn't expect you to.” At the same time James lit his wand, Lily lit hers, and they ended up shining the light right into each other's faces. James was the first to extinguish his, rubbing his eyes and turning away. When he turned back and his vision readapted to the darkness, he noticed Lily was dressed in a very conservative night gown that looked like a small white circus tent around her slim frame.

“And I would have expected it to be tie dye.” he sneered.

Lily looked at him confusedly for a moment until he nodded at her nightdress. She laughed.

“Oh, no.” she said amusedly, “I'm not really a hippie, I swear. Fashions come and go. This thing, though, it's true beauty. It used to belong to my grandmother, the one I told you had a parlor.”

James raised his eyebrow.

“That's a bit…creepy. Wearing your grandmother's nightgown. Sort of morbid.”

“No it isn't.” she said earnestly. She strode up to him and showed him the sleeve.

“It's clean, and I restored it with magic so it's as good as new. Feel that; it's lined with lace.”

“Er--no, thanks.” he said, backing away from the lace cuff that was practically under his nose. “Why don't you just tell me what you wanted to talk about?”

“Right.” Lily said, nodding and putting her arm back at her side. “Well, as I said I really didn't think you were going to come, so I haven't exactly--it won't sound right, but essentially I thought I'd give you one last chance to come clean about what's going to happen.”

“What do you mean?”

Lily smiled.

“Ha. Just as I thought. Well, you missed your chance.”

“Wait--what?”

Lily began to braid a strand of her hair, as though she was getting bored.

“I already told you, I know that Sirius and, as a consequence of being his best friend, you are planning on doing something to scold me for being friends with Severus. I was just giving you one last chance to admit it. Not that it would have changed things, but still.”

“You know what?” James asked, feeling angry all of a sudden, “I'm getting pretty tired of this. Why don't you talk normally, instead of acting like everyone can understand you? Every time I talk to you, you're always testing me!”

Lily let go of the strand of her hair that she'd successfully braided and looked at him square in the eye.

“To put it simply, this means war.”

“Oh please.” James said, losing interest. He rolled his eyes and started toward the door.

“What? You don't think I will?”

“No, I believe you will.” he said, reaching the door and pulling it open.

“Petrificus totalus.” Lily said. James found himself lying on the ground, pain radiating through him from the hard floor. He tried to tell her she damn well better take the spell off him, but all that came out was a strangled sound low in his throat.

“Shoot.” Lily said softly. She closed the door, leaned against it, then took the spell off him.

“What--what the hell was that?” James hissed.

“I'm really, really sorry. That sounded like it hurt.”

“Move, Evans.”

“No, you can't leave. We haven't finished.”

“We sure as hell have. I shouldn't have even come in the first place.”

“There you go with the `h' word again. Do you use it to profess your anger?”

“There is no point in this.” James said impatiently.

“Sirius isn't here, James. You don't have to keep acting like he's about to discover you talking to me, so you can stop acting like an arse.”

“For someone who has a problem with cursing, that came out rather easily.”

“I used it properly, though, not as something I thoughtlessly threw into a sentence.”

“Move now, or I will make you.”

“You can't just leave in the middle of an argument.” Lily said, as though stating the most obvious thing in the world, “At least finish it up properly. Wait, no, don't.” she said hastily, seeing James open his mouth, “If you're determined to hate me forever, at least let me tell you something.”

The thought of hating her forever hadn't really crossed James's mind, though thoughts of anger and getting her to leave him alone had, and he would have said so if it hadn't seemed like Lily was about to divulge a huge secret.

“I sort of--well, it sounds silly.” Lily looked down and smiled gently to herself, “But I've sort of--I've sort of fancied you since fifth year.”

“What?” he cried incredulously, “But--but you didn't--and I didn't--”

“Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist.” she laughed, “I know that we barely know each other at all. I've used you, to be quite honest. I sort of…took an idea of what I thought you might be like and pinned it as your personality, so that's what I fancied.”

“So--so you're saying--” James opened and closed his mouth several times. Of all the foreign and strange things that she'd ever said, this one was the most of both of those things.

“Stop acting so shocked, it isn't like you don`t know you're a Quidditch star.” Lily said, reddening curiously, “Girls do that sort of thing all the time. I thought you might like to know. Don't make me regret telling you.”

“I--”

“If it makes you feel better, I don't fantasize about you or anything. It's just something fun to do when you're bored, trying to imagine what a person's personality is. I just happen to fancy the one I picked out for you.”

“But it's that that you fancy, and not--”

“No. Just that.”

“And you--and I--”

“I wanted us to be just friends.”

“Ah.” Though James would have been dismayed to find that she did fancy him, it was somehow a letdown to discover that she liked a personality she'd picked out for him more than the one he actually had.

“Well, that being said…” Lily moved away from the door. He reached for the door handle, then looked at her curiously.

“The personality you picked out…was it much different than the one I actually have?”

Lily smiled.

“Unfortunately, not having known you long enough, I can't give you a completely accurate comparison. And, from the looks of it, I won't ever really get to, so--”

“I never said that.” As soon as he said it, he realized he had fallen into yet another trap.

“Curiosity wins again.” Lily remarked. “Before you storm off in a fit, just know not to forget that we're at war until you manage to call it off.”

“Really.” James rolled his eyes, and they both headed back to the portrait of the fat lady, Lily careful to keep several paces behind him.

***

“First day back, and I already remember why I skip these classes.” Sirius muttered, fumbling around in his pocket for something, “How is double bloody Potions with those damn Slytherins going to help me become an auror?”

“Teaches you not to kill Death Eaters on sight, maybe?” Remus asked calmly.

“Hardly.” James mumbled, “It's this whole school, it's against us. Plotting our demise, you know.”

“I can't wait to leave this place for good.” Peter sighed.

“Don't be a prat, Wormtail.” Sirius said scornfully, “This is our home, plots and all.”

“I was only saying--”

“Yeah, I know, always trying to say what you think makes you sound most impressive.” Sirius pulled a bag out of his robes triumphantly. Instantly, James, seeing what he held, forced him to put his hand back in his pocket.

“Are you crazy?” he hissed, “What the hell are you doing with that at school? Are you trying to get us fucking expelled?”

“Calm down, Jimmy.” Sirius said coolly, “Look where we are. There's nobody in sight.”

Indeed, they had all walked to the edge of the forbidden forest and beyond seeing or smelling distance of anyone from the school.

“You don't think someone's going to notice you're high?”

“They never have before.” Sirius said, shrugging. “Come on, it's only a little bit.”

Remus and Peter watched in silence, Remus because he never got involved in their drugs or arguments, and Peter because he was still sulking.

“I can't. I have a meeting tonight.”

“What? Oh yeah. You're Head Boy now.” Sirius jeered, “Bloody fancy pants like Lupin. Come here Peter, you can have some, it's good stuff.”

With practiced skill, they were soon at work sniffing. Remus sighed and pulled out a book as James wandered a ways away and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket. He regretted not taking Sirius up on his offer a little bit, but something deeper kept pounding at him. Something that wondered if that imagined personality Lily had come up with for him had done drugs, and knew at the same time that it didn't. It was a curious game he'd been playing all day--was this what it would have done? Would Lily think this better or worse than she imagined of him? It was a frightening exercise, as he kept coming up short. Frustrated, he lit his cigarette and jammed it into his mouth, taking a deep drag on it.

As he did so, he found himself inexplicably shorter. His hands couldn't take the cigarette from his mouth, and as they tried to, he found that they were no longer hands, but wings. Looking down, he found his clothes had fallen loose all around him, and his feet were now three pronged and orange.

“Hoooooooly crap.” he heard Sirius say. Then he and Peter were hooting with laughter, as Remus quickly stooped over and looked James in the eyes. Since when was Remus so much taller than him?

“What? What is it?”

“James.” he said, his voice quivering like he was trying not to laugh, “It would seem that--well, it seems that you've been turned into a chicken.”

“What?” James cried, spitting the cigarette out of his mouth, “How am I--”

“HA!” Peter cried, rolling around on the ground, “The chicken he--he talks! And it's James!”

James couldn't tell if it was really Peter or whatever mysterious substance he was inhaling that was causing him to say this, but either way he found him to be acting sloppy and disgusting.

“Why are you just standing there?” James asked angrily, “Do something!”

Remus, the only one of them who seemed to be thinking clearly, scooped James up in one arm and picked his clothes up with the other hand. After carefully stepping on the cigarette, which had still been smoking menacingly, he began to walk him up to the castle.

“Shall I take you to Madam Pomfrey?” he asked, still sounding like he was making an effort to hold back laughter.

“Yea--hold on.” James said suddenly, “It couldn't be--she wouldn't--” He looked up at Remus, “It's not possible that Lily did this, is it?”

“Why would Lily do that?” Remus asked.

“Well, for one thing she--never mind.” James was about to tell Remus about how she hated his cigarettes and the meeting they'd had in the astronomy tower, but that would require actually telling him how much he'd seen of her. As much as he trusted Remus, he didn't underestimate Sirius's ability to extricate information from him. “Just take me to her.”

“As it's about seven, I would guess she's in her dormitory.”

“And?”

“And we can't get in there.”

“Then take me to the common room and I'll shout to her.”

Remus looked down at James amusedly.

“How am I supposed to explain a shouting chicken that sounds like you? Better yet, how am I supposed to explain having a chicken?”

“Like I know. Just think of something. Anything.”

“Anything?”

“Yes!” James was feeling angrier and more irritable than he had in a long time, and it was a time like this that he really wished he did have a cigarette. Remembering that he had spent the day thinking of what Lily would think of him, he cringed. Right little bitch didn't deserve it.

“We're here.” After telling the portrait the password (`Doxy Droppings'), Remus stepped into the crowded common room and weaved through the clusters of people, ignoring how he kept being asked about the chicken and clothes he was holding.

Remus Lupin is a good sort. James found himself thinking, I must remember not to give him a hard time about being such a girl.

“Lily!” Remus shouted, “Lily, could you come here a moment?”

James could hear giggling coming from upstairs. One girl, who James also thought to be a decent sort, named Marlene McKinnon, peeked out and regarded Remus with her large gray eyes.

“What did you want, Remus?” she asked, giggling slightly.

“Could you get Lily? It's rather urgent.”

Marlene went back to her room and came out a second later, giggling once more.

“She says she won't see you until you've said what you want loudly enough that she can hear it herself.”

“Don't you dare.” James hissed to Remus. Marlene's eyes widened.

“Is that a chicken?” she asked, “And did it just--”

“Yes, Marlene.” Remus sighed, “She transfigured James into a chicken.”

This last part, James knew, he had said much louder than he'd needed to. As Marlene started into another fit of giggles, James hopped out of Remus's arm indignantly.

“Bloody hell, Lupin, I'm going to kill you.” So much for being a good sort.

Remus shrugged, as though to say he'd done what he had to, and James climbed up the stairs to the dormitories, realizing suddenly that he could have done so in the first place as he was no longer a boy. When he got to Lily's particular dormitory, he shuddered. He was preparing for the inevitable frilly pink horror that he knew the other side would be. Only his anger and his determination to be changed back propelled him forward.

There were frills and pink, but for the most part, he found the dormitory to be similar to the boy's one, though it was a bit neater and there were a few posters of handsome wizards on the wall, alternating between charming grins and bad boy pouts. James charged over to Lily, who was reading a book on her bed. She looked up at him and smiled serenely.

“Ah.” she said, “So you've gone and smoked already. I shouldn't have expected any less, though. You seem rather addicted to them.”

“Change me back.” James growled.

“You have no idea how wonderful it is to hear a chicken growl.” she remarked, “It's possibly one of the most amusing and least threatening things you'll ever hear in your life.”

“I'm not joking, do it.”

“Give me reasoning, James.”

“For one thing, Evans, I won't report the Head Girl for turning the Head Boy into a chicken, and for another, perhaps I won't retaliate as badly.”

“Oh, but the whole idea is that you won't.”

“What?”

“That's right. Call off all pranks on my behalf, and I will change you back.”

“I could lie and tell you that I won't and then do it anyway after you change me back. Face it, Evans, there's no way you can win this.”

Lily gave him a wicked smile.

“It's too late. I already have.”

“What do you--”

“If you refuse to call a truce, then I will make that hex on your cigarettes permanent, and I'm only turning you back into a human once. So either you stop whatever madness you're planning or you'll be forced to quit smoking. Either, and preferably both of those, would make me happy.” She brought her knees to her chest and hugged them, seeming hugely pleased with herself.

James stared at her incredulously, a huge weight settling in his chest. The thought of having to tell Sirius everything that had happened, having him know that he had practically betrayed him and lied to him--it made him sick. On the other hand, while he refused to believe that he was addicted to cigarettes, he knew he would go through hell without them. Either way, he was setting himself up to be miserable.

Seeing his inner conflict, Lily said, “You don't have to decide now. I'll just change you back.” She pulled out her wand, then paused.

“If you don't mind me asking, did your clothes transfigure with you?”

“No.” James said hostilely, not even wanting to look at her.

“Then would you mind getting them?”

“Why--oh.”

“Right. I refuse to see you naked.”

-->

8. A Beater and the Purple Letter

Chapter 8: A Beater and the Purple Letter

“So she hexed your cigarettes, hm?” Sirius put a finger to his pursed lips, deep in thought.

It was the next day, and the two of them were sitting in the back row of History of Magic. Discreetly, they had put the muffliato spell on Professor Binns' ears so that he could not hear a word anyone was saying, and now the whole class was happily babbling away and completely ignoring him.

“Yeah. God knows how she knew about them.” James ran a hand through his hair uneasily, a habit that he had picked up from Sirius and used when he was lying.

“She probably smelled your breath, if I had to guess.” Sirius said, putting his finger down and rolling his eyes.

“Oh, like you're so innocent.”

Sirius ignored his comment and was now studying Lily, who was reading a book.

“She must have a weakness…” he said, more to himself than to James.

“How are we supposed to do anything? I already told you what she said.”

“Then quit smoking the things and be done with it.”

Sirius, like James, was the sort of person who didn't believe that it was possible to be addicted to anything, and that it was all a matter of choice. James shrugged, feigning nonchalance.

“Well, if I do, then she's won, hasn't she?”

“True.” Sirius put his finger back on his lips.

“What I really don't understand,” he said finally, “is her involvement with you.”

“What d'you mean?” James asked, his voice slightly more pitchy than normal.

“You know. She's trying to get you to stop smoking, she talks to you when we hardly know her…are you sure she doesn't fancy you?”

James had to swallow hard to keep himself from telling Sirius everything.

“I doubt it.” he said lightly, “Come on, why would she?”

“You're a Quidditch star.” Sirius said, leaning back in his chair and shrugging. James stared.

“You know,” he said, “I've been hearing that quite often.”

“Yeah, well don't let it go to your head.”

“Why don't you just do something to Snivelly?” James asked on a sudden inspiration, “After all, he's the one we're really after, isn't he?”

“That's…true. They're friends, so that would get to her without actually doing something to her.” Sirius said thoughtfully, “James, your simple minded thinking has so much potential.”

“Who are you calling simple--”

“Hey,” somebody shouted, “Binns is looking!”

“Shit.” Sirius hissed. Everyone turned back around in their seats, and James took the charm off him. The whole class then had to convince Binns that he must have been dreaming. Since he was 190 years old and a rather frequent sleeper, this was successfully accomplished in five minutes, and the rest of James's class time was occupied by hurling paper balls filled with insults back and forth with Sirius.

***

The week passed rather uneventfully; there were two Prefect meetings which James had to help preside over, and he did so lazily, letting Lily do the work. At each of these meetings they didn't talk to each other, though she seemed to try to catch his eye once or twice. After seeing that he was purposely avoiding talking to her, she left him alone, and James was relieved. His life was quickly going back to normal.

His first Quidditch practice as captain came at the end of the week. He felt uneasy about it, though he had been vying for the position since his second year. Sirius, who was the Keeper, winked at him reassuringly as he cleared his throat.

“Right.” James said to the five people on the team, “We had an…interesting year last year, and…well, now that Alice has graduated we're going to have to find a new Beater.”

This was met with groans, and he didn't blame them. It seemed that almost every year they were having tryouts. For some reason, there seemed to be a lack of good Quidditch players in Gryffindor house, and they had not won the cup in three years, suffering from what Professor McGonagall confirmed to be some of the most spectacularly bad defeats the team had ever suffered. Every year, the second rate players seemed to only get worse, and he and Sirius had been asked by several people, in all seriousness, to fail seventh year so they could continue to play for the team. They were its last hope, and everyone, even the other team members, knew that.

“So, Monday we'll have tryouts. If you know of anybody, anybody who can hit a bludger--hit anything--please convince them to come.”

This was met with weary laughs, and they were soon in the air, practicing the latest strategies that James had devised over the summer. For the first time that year, he was completely at ease; all the worries and awkwardness he'd felt were left down on the ground, and the air whipping around him reminded him all that he'd missed about Hogwarts. Unfortunately, even this holy feeling managed to be ruined by how pathetically his team performed. After an hour, he touched down to the ground reluctantly, and everyone else followed.

“Alright.” he said, “So that was…it was good--well, I mean, it wasn't good, but it wasn't bad--and again, Monday we have tryouts for a Beater. See you then.”

The team left after mumbling exhausted goodbyes, until Sirius was the only one left.

“There's no way we're going to win this.” Sirius said.

“Thank you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.”

“Look, Prongs, you could be the best bloody captain in the world, and you still wouldn't be able to get this team into the Quidditch final. What we need is a miracle, do you hear me? A miracle.”

“Well, you know how it always goes, Sirius.” James said wearily, “They usually come when you really need them.”

“Unless you're the losing team. Then you just lose.”

James glared at him.

“You'd better go. I'm about to drown myself in the showers, and I doubt you want to see it.”

“I suppose this means I'll have to warn Remus that your suicidal tendencies have returned?”

“Yes. And just so you know, I'm not leaving anything of mine to you.”

“In that case, I want to watch you drown yourself. It'll entertain me.”

“Go. Just go.”

Sirius left, and no sooner did he than Lily appeared.

“Oh, it's you.” James moaned. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the headache that was starting.

“I saw you play.”

“I'm sure.”

“It wasn't…well, it wasn't very good.”

“I know. Is there a point to this?”

“I notice you're short of a Beater.”

“Yeah.”

“I can help you fill the position.”

“What, do you want it?” The thought of Sirius and Lily on the same team made his headache so bad that he began to massage his temples.

“No. Are you alright?”

“If you aren't taking it, how do you plan on helping me fill it? We've interviewed practically everybody in Gryffindor.” He ignored the question as to whether he was alright, because he honestly felt like he was going to start crying.

“You missed someone. His name is Ludo Bagman, he's in fifth year and he's a fabulous flyer.”

“If he's so great, then why hasn't he ever tried out?”

“He's established quite a large, illegal betting system with a boy named Mundungus Fletcher. They made hundreds of galleons betting on the Quidditch games, so he wasn't able to play before, because it would affect business. Mundungus graduated last year, and he was really the brains of it, so now he's got no reason not to join.”

James opened his eyes and put his hands down.

“How…how the hell do you know all of this?”

Lily smiled.

“I'm nosy.”

“And…you say he's good?”

“I've asked Madam Hooch, and she says he has the potential to join a professional team right out of Hogwarts.”

James suddenly felt an outpouring of warmth towards Lily.

“Thank you.” he said hoarsely, “You have no idea how much this--”

“Forget about it.” she said, “I had to do something to get you to speak to me.”

“You're mad.”

“Well, that's all of us, isn't it? I just happen to be slightly madder than your average madman. Or madwoman, because it isn't right to sexually discriminate between us all.”

James couldn't even think what a proper reply to that was, so he nodded and headed to take a shower, deciding that perhaps he wouldn't drown himself after all.

***

“Where in the world did you find Ludo Bagman?” Sirius asked Monday evening, his eyes bulging, “How have we not seen him before? Is he real?”

“He's your miracle, Sirius.” James said, grinning so widely that his face hurt. They were sitting in the Quidditch stands, watching as Ludo hit two bludgers through the hoops at the same time.

“Where did he come from?”

“I had…a source.”

“It was Lily, wasn't it?” Seeing James's surprised look, he added, “Don't bother denying it. I saw her when I was leaving yesterday.”

James was silent.

“There's something off about her. How is it that she managed to prank you, a notorious Marauder, be friends with Snivellus Snape, and find the answer to the Quidditch team's prayers? Next we'll find out she bakes sugar cookies for the House Elves.”

“To be quite honest, she seems absolutely mad. Not at all normal.”

“I think you know more about her than you let on, Jimmy. I don't understand why you won't tell me.”

“Because there's nothing to tell!”

“Hmm.” Sirius said, disbelieving. After studying him a moment, he said in a frightening voice,

“Do you fancy her?”

“What?” James cried, “No! Of course I don't!”

“If you say so. But I'm telling you; even if she never gets one prank pulled on her, we will find out what it is with her.”

“I thought we were getting to her through Snape.”

“I'm not talking about getting to her.” Sirius said, narrowing his eyes at nothing in particular, “We're going to find out the truth about her. Though I notice you're saying `we' again. Whatever it is about her that you have such a problem with doing anything, it needs to stop.”

“There's not anything.” James mumbled, no longer in a good mood.

“Great. Oh, would you look at that? Bagman's sort of juggling the bludgers. How the hell does he do it?”

***

Tuesday morning James received, along with the Daily Prophet, a letter. He could tell from the lavender envelope and the curious smell of perfume wafting from it that it was from his mother. It read:

My Dearest Jamie,

I do hope you and Sirius are enjoying your time at Hogwarts! Of course, I miss you terribly. Your father does too; I told him he should write a letter, but he's very busy, you know how it gets with his work.

At any rate, I have been quite busy. I was at tea on Wednesday at Aurora Black's house (perhaps it would be better if you didn't mention that to Sirius; you know how he gets when he hears about his mother), and who did I see but Madame Delacour! You remember her--the fetching little thing whose mum was a veela. She just had a daughter, by the way--a lovely little girl named Fleur. I mention Madame Delacour because I found out she has a sister around your age. She goes to Beauxbatons obviously, but Madame Delacour and I agree that it would be simply wonderful if you were to meet her at our Christmas ball.

Oh dear, I was going to write more to you, but I must go, and I wanted Aristotle to deliver this today. Kisses, my love, and be good. Make your father and me proud!

Love always,

Mum

James stared at the letter disgustedly before tearing it in half. Aristotle, the gray owl who had delivered the letter and was now drinking from his goblet of pumpkin juice, turned to look at him, scandalized.

“That's right.” James said, “That's what I think of you and Mum and Madame Delacour's bloody sister. Go on, get out.”

The owl bit him reproachfully on the ear and flew off. James put his head down on the table.

“Alright there?”

“Sirius.” James moaned miserably, “I think I might pull a runner. You think Moony will take both of us in?”

“I guess your mum sent you a letter.”

“Who else?”

“Who'd she pair you up with this time?”

“Madame Delacour's bloody sister.”

“She's not so bad. When you look at her long enough and you aren't listening, it's almost like she's speaking English.”

“Thanks, Padfoot.”

“Anytime.”

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9. Exploding Snap and a Full Moon

Chapter 9: Exploding Snap and a Full Moon

Finally having gotten a decent Beater, the Gryffindor Quidditch team's first week of practices had been more wonderful than any they had ever seen. Their strategy was simple: score enough points so that when the other team's Seeker caught the Snitch, they'd still win the game. They had yet to show their skill on the pitch, however, because after the first week of practice it had begun to rain.

And rain.

And rain.

James was trying and failing to concentrate on his potions essay. His eyes kept drifting to the window and staring out at the unrelenting downpour, wondering if it ever planned on stopping. Finally, in a fit of frustration, he threw all of his scraps of parchment at a group of first years. They looked rather annoyed by the interruption, but willingly gave the scraps back when he asked for them a minute later.

He was bored out of his mind. He didn't feel like going anywhere, but he didn't feel like staying where he was, either. Spotting Remus, curled up and reading a book near the fire, he decided to go talk to him, as Peter and Sirius were nowhere to be found. Presumably, they were out pulling the pranks and doing things that, as an authority figure, James was finding to be increasingly impossible.

“Hey Moony, you're smart,” he said darkly. “D'you think rain can cause madness?”

Remus looked up from his book, as though he'd been waiting for someone to interrupt him.

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

James threw himself on a sofa nearby, ignoring the two girls who were already sitting there.

“I'm dying,” James said pathetically. “I can't play Quidditch, I can't pull pranks, I can't even do homework!” He ground his fists into his eyeballs. “Do you hear what I'm saying, Moony? I've actually got time for homework, but I can't do it!” He looked over at Remus, who was watching him calmly. “Well? What should I do?”

“Have you written to your mum lately?”

“Moony, my mum? My mum?”

“She isn't so horrible.”

“Except when she's pairing me up to get married and going to parties and getting a new maid. Which is pretty much all the time.”

“Did you want to play a game of exploding snap?” one of the girls next to him asked. It took him a moment to realize that she was speaking to him.

“Er--who are you?” James asked uncomfortably, looking her over.

“Hestia,” the girl said boldly, as though her name was something she was quite proud of. “Hestia Jones, third year.”

“Er-well--”

“Marlene and I were wondering if you wanted to play exploding snap.” James looked and saw that the blond girl next to her was Marlene McKinnon, the one who had giggled a lot when he'd been changed into a chicken.

“Hestia!” Marlene had gone rather red in the cheeks. “Be quiet!”

James looked from one to the other, slightly bewildered.

“Er--I guess I could--”

“Excellent!” Hestia said briskly, “Marlene, why don't you get the cards?”

Marlene nodded and quickly went to get them, looking very embarrassed. James marveled at how the third year seemed to have such control over someone four years older than her. Meanwhile, Hestia had turned to Remus.

“Come along now, you should play as well.”

Remus raised his eyebrows at her.

“Miss Jones, are you sure you want me to--”

“Oh, cut the Miss Jones shit, I'm not a baby. Come play!”

Remus and James exchanged looks. Somehow, the word 'shit' had seemed misplaced coming out of a girl who was just under five feet and didn't look like she'd celebrated her tenth birthday long ago. Remus sighed, put his book down, and joined them on the sofa. By the time Marlene came back, Hestia had started a full-on tirade about the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

“And honestly, what's wrong with that Seeker? What's his name…Gavin Gudgeon? Yes, that's what it is, anyway, he's complete shit, he's bringing your whole team down.”

Hestia seemed to get joy from adding `shit' to every other sentence, James noticed. He was starting to find it enormously entertaining, even though she was managing to insult everything about his team. Remus just looked shocked.

“Budge over, Hestia,” Marlene said, sitting back down. “I'm sorry about her,” she added, looking at James apologetically. “She's very bitter about Quidditch. She's always wanted to be on the team, but her parents won't let her have a broomstick.”

“Which is complete shit,” Hestia said darkly. “Shut up now, Marlene. You're depressing me.”

“How is it--why do you let her--” James didn't know how to ask Marlene why she let the small girl tell her what to do, and Marlene, who was now shuffling the cards carefully, smiled and said, “Ask her.”

“It's because I'm dating her brother Charlie,” Hestia said. “God knows I'm the only one who'll put up with his shit.”

“And in return I put up with all of Hestia's…stuff, because she thinks she's too good for the other third years,” Marlene said, not looking up.

Hestia flipped her black hair over her shoulder.

“I am,” she said matter-of-factly. “Have you met the bloody idiots? No, wait--have you looked at them? Monkeys, the lot of them.”

“Are you sure you're thirteen?” Remus asked. Hestia gave him a pointed look.

“Why the hell would I say I was thirteen if I wasn't? It's not like I like being the only third year in a group of seventh years.”

Marlene finished shuffling the cards.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” she said quietly. “I thought we were playing Exploding Snap.”

Hestia rolled her eyes at her.

“Marlene's tired of talking about me because she'd much rather talk about you two,” she said, giving Marlene a wicked smile. “Honestly, all day it's `Oh, isn't Remus a dear?' and `Oh, Sirius and James were just wonderful in the Quidditch game today'. She even talks about that bloody prat Peter, how she feels bad for him and how he has depth that nobody bothers to discover.”

Marlene had gone a deep red.

“Hestia!” she said in a strangled voice. She turned to James and Remus. “It isn't true, I never--not that I don't think you're nice and you're good at Quidditch--I mean--” James felt bad for her; she looked like she was about to cry, and it was even worse because he found the whole thing rather funny.

“It's okay,” he said. “Really, it doesn't bother us at all, does it Remus?”

“Not at all,” Remus said quickly, shaking his head. He looked a bit embarrassed as well. Hestia surveyed her handiwork with satisfaction, then turned back to Marlene.

“Well, let's start!”

“You and Charlie were made for each other,” Marlene muttered as she put the cards down.

“He certainly likes to think so.”

The rest of the afternoon was spent playing Exploding Snap, eating sweets that James had gotten from their dormitory, and watching Marlene be utterly humiliated by Hestia. It was Hestia who finally ended the afternoon by saying, “Well, mates, it's been lovely, but I'm in a right mind to snog Charlie senseless, so I suppose I'll see you later.”

This caused Marlene to start choking on a chocolate frog and for Remus to look extremely disturbed. James laughed until he couldn't breath, and reflected that perhaps his afternoon had not been an utter waste after all.

***

Soon after that day, the first full moon of the school year came about. After Remus had been taken to the Whomping Willow and the common room was mostly deserted, Sirius, James, and Peter slipped under James's invisibility cloak and out of the tower.

“Hello, who's there?” the fat lady squawked. They ignored her, and she continued to shout after them long after they had left.

They glanced at the Marauder's Map every once in a while to make sure that they didn't bump into anyone, and soon they had gotten down to the Entrance Hall and out the double doors. Once they had walked past the greenhouses, Sirius whipped off the cloak and said,

“Bloody hell, can't we just change now?”

Peter looked at James.

“Do you think we should? I mean…”

James looked at the both of them, and then nodded.

“Yeah, it's fine. Everyone's gone to bed anyway.”

Sirius grinned.

“Excellent.”

Peter still looked unsure, but began to transform anyway.

James concentrated on a large, graceful shape with antlers and wise eyes. In a second, almost as though he had slid smoothly into a different skin, he had changed into Prongs. He stomped the ground with a joy he hadn't expected. `Welcome home', the form seemed to say to him, and he felt at once the sense of freedom it was providing him.

A bark to his right alerted him that Padfoot and Wormtail were ready as well. Calmly, Prongs bowed his majestic head and allowed Wormtail to scamper up. This could be considered a loss of majesty for anyone other than Prongs, but if there had been any witnesses, they would get a distinct impression that the rat was highly aware of the extreme honor he was being given by being able to ride upon the stag.

Padfoot barked impatiently. `Come on, come on, let's go get Moony!'

They rode into the night, the full moon shining pale upon them and soaking them into immortal silver beasts. The Tree, even, with its flailing branches, seemed to have a grace bestowed on it by the night's spell. Prongs always managed to forget all that he suddenly noticed as a stag, and so every time they went to the Werewolf, he was reminded and fascinated anew.

Wormtail darted forward and pressed the knot at the bottom of the tree. Good Wormtail. Even if he was small, he was indispensable.

Padfoot lead them down the tunnel to the door through which they could hear Moony, already fully transformed and snarling. Wormtail squeaked, afraid as he always was at first, and even Prongs stepped a hoof back. However, Padfoot's tail was wagging, and he bounded forward. `Moony, Moony, let's play!' he seemed to be saying, though all he was doing was panting excitedly and occasionally hitting his tail on the dilapidated furniture. Moony growled, and Padfoot growled back. Mildly impressed at the dog's gumption, Moony stopped growling and started to sniff the air. Cautiously, he approached Padfoot, and Padfoot, with uncharacteristic calm, allowed him to do so. Then the werewolf began to wag his tail, and he and Padfoot started to play wrestle.

Prongs and Wormtail, seeing things have been made safe, came forward as well; Prongs making sure the door was shut behind him. After a few exhaustive minutes of fighting, in which Moony nearly managed to rip Padfoot's ear off and Padfoot had successfully managed to gnaw on the werewolf's arm, they stopped and Moony began to investigate Wormtail and Prongs. Prongs warned Wormtail with a look to remain calm, and Wormtail managed to do so, though barely.

They played for a while, though the exact time couldn't be said (a stag had no concept of time, really), until Moony approached the door and whined, scratching at it. Padfoot and Prongs looked at each other. It was something they approached each time as a hard decision. Padfoot's eyes were wide--`let him out, let's play, come on Prongs!'--while Prongs remained stoic and unsure. Wormtail used to give his opinion on the matter with a few well thought out squeaks, but they always ended up doing what Padfoot wanted, so he had eventually given up adding his input at all.

Soon enough, Moony was let out, and at once his demeanor changed. He was no longer acting light hearted and playful as he was before--he was wary and alert. He was on the prowl. Wormtail quickly climbed back on Prongs' back, and then they were bounding through the night, simply enjoying the freedom of the wind and the emptiness and the sense of liberation at the lack of human structure. It was impossible to tell if they had only been out there a second or their whole lives, and they reveled in it. They didn't seem to find it tiring in the least. On the contrary, their animal forms were thanking them for allowing them to stretch out their legs.

Then something went wrong. Moony, who they had thought they were keeping a good pace with, began to lope towards Hogwarts castle, at speeds much faster than the ones they had been at a moment before. Wormtail leaped from Prongs' back, sensing that he would have to be running much faster than the rat was comfortable with, and after quickly making sure he hadn't broken any bones, Prongs and Padfoot bounded toward the werewolf.

Moony had almost reached the greenhouses by the time they were able to overtake him. Padfoot veered right as Prongs took him from the left, and after Prongs knocked him down with his powerful hoofs, Padfoot leapt on him and wrestled with him, as though to scold him for his behavior. For a moment, this caused Moony to snarl agitatedly, until finally he closed his eyes and began to whine. Slowly, Padfoot got off of him, and Prongs nudged the battered werewolf, probing to see whether he could make his way back. Moony managed to get up on his own, albeit a little shakily, and they made their way back to the Willow.

Wormtail was waiting for them, the tree already frozen. Wearily, all energy having been evaporated from the short escapade, they made their way back into the shack and spent the rest of the night sprawled across the floor, sleeping. Before dawn, Wormtail woke up Prongs and Padfoot, and they silently left through the passage, leaving Moony to sleep fitfully until Madame Pomfrey came to retrieve him as Remus. They snuck a bit farther away from the castle so as to be sure that they wouldn't be seen by Hagrid or anyone else who might chance to be about, then transformed back into boys.

Sirius was the first to speak.

“Well, that was fun.”

James shot him an incredulous look.

“Fun?”

“Yeah. It gave me an idea, as a matter of fact.”

“Unless it's the cure to lycanthropy, I don't want to hear a word of it.”

Sirius didn't say anything.

“I want to hear it,” Peter ventured.

“I'm sure you do. You'll see soon enough.”

James watched the thin sliver of light rising on the horizon.

“Come on,” he said, pulling the Marauders Map from his back pocket. “Sun's almost up, and I don't know about you, but I'd like a few hours of sleep in a real bed.”

Sirius and Peter murmured their agreement, the soreness from the night's escapades and sleeping on a hard floor suddenly seeming much more obvious, and they fetched the invisibility cloak from by the greenhouses. Then they headed back to their dormitory, somehow effortlessly managing to avoid Filch and Peeves.

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10. Two Parties and a Soap Opera

Chapter 10: Two Parties and a Soap Opera

It was the first week of October and the rain had surprisingly disappeared, leaving behind only cold weather and the distinct feeling that fall was in the air. The only other thing that particularly affected the Gryffindor seventh year boy's dormitory that first week was the arrival of Peter's birthday. When James awoke, Peter was already fully dressed and sitting on his bed, his expression filled with painful anticipation. Sirius was pretending to be asleep, which James could tell from the dramatic snores issuing from behind his bed hangings. Grumpily, James reached down, grabbed a shoe, and chucked it at his bed with a Chaser's accuracy.

“Shut it, you prat,” he groaned. “Get up, we all know you're awake.”

“James! You're up!” Peter cried.

“Er--yes, Peter--Oh, it's your birthday isn't it?” James wracked his brain and tried to remember if he'd gotten Peter a gift this year. He concluded that he hadn't, and hoped that he could get away with it as Sirius did every year.

“Legal drinking age now,” Peter said, beaming. “I intend to skive off classes and get properly smashed in the Hog's Head.”

“Can you believe this bloke?” Sirius asked, wrenching open his bed hangings and rubbing a red spot on his head. “Thanks for the shoe, mate. Anyway, you'd be pretending to sleep too if you'd been listening to this idiot for the past hour, coming up with all the idiot things he intends to do now that he's of age to get arrested for it.”

“Don't see how they're idiotic, as I suppose you'd do the same thing,” Peter said sulkily.

“You don't think they'll just let you skive without asking about it, do you Wormtail?” Sirius sneered. “And besides, just because we aren't old enough to do it legally doesn't mean the rest of us haven't had a few drinks ourselves.”

“Still don't see how you're older than us, Pete,” James yawned, getting up and putting his glasses on. “And Sirius is the baby.”

“Hey Prongs, I don't suppose you're wanting me to return your shoe, are you?” Sirius asked, brandishing it threateningly.

“You wouldn't,” James said, but he ducked, because he knew Sirius would. Indeed, a black blur flew over his head not two seconds after he'd ducked.

“Such abuse, Black. Don't cry, but you're starting to resemble your mother.”

“I'll kill you for that, Potter. You won't expect it until one day you find yourself dead. Dead by poisoned pumpkin juice.”

“I would expect nothing more original than that with you as my murderer.”

A fifteen minute fight ensued, causing Peter to look very put out as he, his legal ability to drink, and his birthday in general were forgotten. In fact, it only managed to end when it caused Remus to wake up and remind them, in a scarily uncharacteristic way, that once a month he was a frightening man-eating monster and would not be at all afraid to practice his skills early on people who dared to disturb his eight sacred hours of silence.

“Right,” Peter said later as they were eating breakfast. “We're going to have a party, right? Giant party. Lots of drinks.”

“Whatever you say, Pete,” James said, rubbing his eyes. “All I know is tomorrow's the first game of the Quidditch season for us and Bagman had better not be sick from all those kippers he's eating.”

“He's mad,” Sirius said, beaming. “Nobody thicker, nobody better at using his caveman instinct to hit things.”

Peter looked quite frustrated.

“But we're having a party, right? Like you did with Lupin and Potter?”

“Now, Peter, no need to get nasty and use last names,” Sirius said. “'Course we will.”

“Damn well doesn't seem like it,” Peter said angrily. “More bloody occupied with your Beater than one of your best friends.”

“Don't worry, Peter,” Remus said, giving both James and Sirius a Look. “There'll be a party.”

“Honestly, Moony, you can be such a girl. He knows, even if he's making a huge scene over it,” Sirius said, stuffing some toast into his mouth. “Meanwhile, we need to be go--” He froze, his eyes riveted to the Slytherin table. James followed his gaze, and saw Lily happily eating breakfast with Snape, though neither he nor the rest of his house looked at all happy about it.

“Oh, good God,” James said, burying his head in his hands.

“Is that supposed to mean something?” Sirius asked indignantly, pieces of toast still in his mouth. “What do you mean, `good God'?”

“Nothing,” James said. “Absolutely nothing.”

“Damn right, nothing,” Sirius said. “I wasn't going to say a word, Head Boy.”

“Oh, is that right?” James muttered.

“Perfectly right. I have a plan, and nobody but me and the thick birthday boy know about it.” Saying this, he put his arm around Peter. Peter looked at Sirius uncomfortably for a moment, then continued with his breakfast.

“Come off it, both of you,” Remus said, standing up. “If I'm a girl, then you certainly are, cat fighting as you do.”

“You're obviously experiencing the aftereffects of that time of month, Moony,” Sirius said. However, he dropped his arm from Peter's shoulders and grabbed his bag. “Come along, mates,” he said. “Let's go remember why we hate Remus for tricking us into signing up for Potions again.”

Peter stood up as well, but James shook his head.

“I'll be along in a minute,” he said. “I've got to go take care of some Head Boy business.”

Sirius nodded suspiciously, but they left without any questions, and James swaggered up to the Slytherin table, not at all as confident as he appeared. In spite of how many times he had pranked them, or perhaps because of it, he was always nervous to be around large groups of Slytherins alone. Instinctively, he grabbed his wand.

“Hey there, Evans, Snivellus,” James said, nodding to both of them. Lily gave him a disapproving look and Snape positively glowered.

“Hello, Potty,” Snape sneered. “I was not aware that your presence was necessary here. I would have thought you would have bothered to brush your hair for the visit, at least.” Lily nudged him and whispered, “Stop it,” but Snape completely ignored her.

“And I would have thought you would have washed yours,” James said, unthinking.

“You know what, Potter, you can just--”

“Enough,” Lily said forcefully. “Look, James, is there something you wanted?”

“Well, for one thing, to know why you're with this idiot,” James muttered. A frown appearing on Lily's face, he said, “But mostly, Head business. Would you mind…” He gestured away from the table.

“Excuse me,” Lily said to Snape and the rest of the table. “I'll be right back.”

“Don't bother, Mudblood,” someone sneered.

“Hey,” James whipped out his wand in the general direction the insult had come from, “take it back. Now.”

“It's fine,” Lily said quickly. “Really, they're being uncreative today. Not as though I haven't heard that before.”

“It's a nasty thing to say. And they'll take it back.”

“Well, isn't that sweet,” Snape said. “It seems as though Potter has his eye on you, Evans.”

“Don't even start, Severus,” Lily said, rolling her eyes. “Come on, James. Classes will start soon.”

“Right.” He led her a distance away from the table and said, looking at the ground, “Really, what I wanted to do was thank you. If it wasn't for Bagman, we'd--well, we'd lose every game. We haven't even had our first match and I know that.”

“It wasn't a problem,” Lily said. “But I thought you wanted to discuss Head--”

“I--er—well, I lied. I didn't want them to know--”

“That you would talk to me without it being necessary?”

“What?” James asked, looking up. “No! I don't care what they--look, they have no idea we've got Bagman, and as he's a rather thick bloke, I would prefer it if the Slytherins didn't manage to kill him before the first game.”

“So you told Sirius that you were coming to talk to me to thank me about Ludo?”

James didn't answer.

“See?” Lily smiled a little bit and bent over to look him in the eyes, which he currently had riveted on the floor. “You're ashamed to tell your friends that you talk to me. You have no problem asking me to talk in front of a table full of Slytherins, the people who would admittedly use any information they could against you, but you can't tell your best friends the truth?”

“Don't make such a big thing of it.”

“But James, it is a big thing. Why in the world would you do something that you could casually do anytime when you're certain your friends won't see? It isn't even something complicated like dating!”

“I don't know,” James muttered. “I shouldn't have even--”

“Oh, no you don't,” Lily said, grabbing his wrist. “Not until you admit that you're afraid to show the people you care about your feelings.”

“Stop acting like a fucking shrink,” James said, ripping his wrist from her grip. “You're not exactly the image of perfection. Why don't you stop kidding yourself into thinking you're so skilled with people that you've managed to make a best friend of Snivellus Snape? And another thing, have you realized you're absolutely insane?”

Lily crossed her arms, looking both hurt and angry.

“You are the insane one,” she said. “You have two completely different personalities, one for your friends and one for when you're talking to me. Goodness knows how many other ones you have! Come tell me when you've finally managed to halfway figure out what in the world you're doing.” She turned on her heel and stalked back to the Slytherin table, ignoring the groans and cries of, “Leave, you goddamn Mudblood!”

James hated the horrible feeling that came afterwards, something deep down that said, no matter how much he would like to deny it, she was absolutely right.

***

The next morning, James was awoken by a sudden weight on his midsection.

“Wake up! Some captain you are. I told you I should have gotten the job.”

James pried his eyes open and found that a familiar Sirius-shaped blur was perched upon his stomach.

“Geroff,” James choked. “I'm dying.”

“Indeed, you are.,” Sirius said cheerfully, sliding off of James's bed. “After that brilliant birthday party--thank you again, Wornmtail, for being born so early into the school year--I wouldn't be surprised if our whole house is hung over. Luckily, we have Pepperup potion!” James put on his glasses and could see that Sirius had steam merrily pouring out of his ears.

“Until I get some, I don't want to hear any more of that cheerful crap coming out of your mouth,” James groaned. “We're going to lose. Nobody got any sleep, and even if we win, McGonagall will notice that something's up, what with the whole team with steam coming out of their ears.”

Sirius handed James a flask with the potion in it.

“Ah, but that is why we are friends with Lupin over there. Tell him what you told me we could say, Moony.”

“I said you could tell them you wanted a way to stay warm in the cold.”

“See? Sheer brilliance.”

James, ready to hit Sirius out of annoyance--how could he be so cheerful when he felt so miserable?--downed the potion, and at once his headache disappeared. He sighed in relief, and Sirius dragged him out of bed.

“Come on, we have to get ready. The game starts in forty five minutes.”

“WHAT?!”

***

Several hours later, James, Sirius, and Ludo were being lifted into the air and cheered loudly. Gryffindor had just beat the Slytherin Quidditch team 400-160, their best game in a decade, especially since almost all of Slytherin`s points came from catching the Snitch. James could have sworn, from where he sat, that McGonagall was even wiping tears from her eyes.

“Holy shit, James,” Sirius called from where he was being supported a few feet away. “This is only our first game!”

James shut his eyes, beaming. This was what he had always imagined being Quidditch captain felt like.

That night, Gryffindor had their second party, though this time, at James's insistence, there was no alcohol.

“Sodding pansy, Prongs, s'what you are,” Sirius said, though he was still grinning. “Never fear, however, this lack of good things is a one time event.” This last part was addressed to a large crowd that had gathered around him as he recreated the events of the game, and they laughed appreciatively.

“If I hear one more time how you almost broke your neck saving that Quaffle, I'm going to vomit,” James groaned as Sirius launched into his tale again. “I'm going to go find some decent company.”

“Good luck with that!” The crowd laughed again, and James shook his head. He made his way to the chairs nearer to the wall and therefore farther away from the host of people knotted in the center.

“Good game, Potter,” came a voice at his elbow. Looking down he saw Hestia, holding hands with a blond boy that he assumed was Charlie. “Almost makes me want to take back the shit I said the other day about your team.”

“Thank you?” James said, not quite sure if this was meant to be a compliment or if it was a comment meant to show that she still thought little of them--the `almost' had seemed rather ominous.

As he was about to sit down, he saw Lily curled up in one of the chairs. He felt a knot form in his stomach. He knew what he ought to do, but it was so hard.

When he approached her, he saw she was reading a small pile of papers. She seemed completely engrossed in them, and it was only when he tapped her on the shoulder that she looked up.

“Look,” James said quickly, stuffing his hands in his pockets, “I'm--okay, I know I'm a prat. I was thinking about what you said and--well, we both know you're right, don't we?”

“Really?” Lily asked, putting the papers down. “I'm never sure, you see.”

“Well you are. And I--well, I'm sorry.”

“Okay,” she said calmly. “Does that mean something will actually change, or are you apologizing because nothing will? Change, that is.”

“I--” He took a deep breath at the thought of what the implications of change taking place would mean. He'd have to come clean with Sirius, something that he'd cleverly managed to avoid before, and he'd have to deal with people linking him with the oddest girl that he'd ever met. He'd need to always be prepared to be assessed and tested in the most random--and sometimes unpleasant--ways, none of which he could have ever have imagined on his own. Or, he thought, nothing can change and then I'll always have to know what a prat I am. He was still undecided until he came to a revelation--his mother wouldn't change. Not changing, not ever acknowledging that Lily Evans was now more than the name of somebody than he'd never known existed, would be the exact sort of thing that Lydia Potter, one of the most obnoxious socialites in the wizarding world, would do. He would never stand for that. No matter what happened, he could never end up like her.

“It'll change,” James said firmly. “It--well, it'll be odd, but I'm tired of acting stupid.”

“Good,” Lily said, giving him a beaming, dimpled smile. “I was so afraid that this whole thing would be a long, drawn out, soap opera-esque affair.”

“Soap what?”

“Oh, goodness, you don't know what a soap opera is, do you?” she asked incredulously. “It's the most idiotic and amusing form of entertainment that muggles have ever invented. That's what I was just reading, actually--Petty always owls me the latest events on Coronation Street.”

“Where is that?”

“Coronation Street. It's the name of a--James, sit down, I have a lot to teach you.”

For the next few hours, James would find himself immersed in a whole separate world, and by the time Lily had filled him in on the whole thing, he was able to speak names such as Dierdre Langton, Gordon Clegg, and Ernest Bishop as though he had known them all his life.

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11. Ragamuffins and an Unwelcome Discovery

Chapter 11: Ragamuffins and an Unwelcome Discovery

The thing that always annoyed James to no end was how everyone seemed to forget about Voldemort. They seemed to always manage it, though he was at their doorstep, breathing down their necks so to speak. Just because they were in the one safe place there was, it didn't mean that they could ignore the world around them, did it?

He massaged his temples as he put down the latest edition of the Evening Prophet. He'd faced Voldemort once before, but that was in the beginning, before he was infamous, before everyone knew his name--though how they knew it when nobody said it, James was never sure.

He couldn't help glancing at the paper once more. Seventeen people dead, including fifteen muggles and two aurors. The dead aurors' pictures were looking up from the page, grave and daring anybody to deny the seriousness of their jobs. And James wondered once more, though he was almost certain it had to do with cowardice, why he did not want to be an auror and have a serious job trying to save people from the things they seemed to forget, or were not aware of at all.

***

“You know,” Lily said to James one day, “I notice that during prefect meetings, you and Severus don't actually pay much attention to each other.”

They were the only ones in the room, cleaning up after said meeting. It was particularly messy; it was less than a week until Halloween and somebody had had the idea to pass out sweets. Somehow or other, supposedly responsible teenagers had managed to make a bigger mess than James would have expected from a group of five year olds. And, as could only be expected, the instant that cleanup had been mentioned, James and Lily had been the only ones left standing there.

James shrugged at what Lily said.

“Not like I care about him that much.” It was true. While the other prefects, even Remus, had gotten so lighthearted as to engage into a candy-throwing match, Snape had continued to skulk in the corner. James found his behavior altogether depressing, and couldn't even be bothered to come up with a proper insult for him.

“I like that, though. It makes me think you two could manage to be civil to one another.”

James laughed and chose not to reply. Lily crossed her arms.

“Oh, come off it, you could! You know you could.”

“But that doesn't mean I want to. We're not all like you.”

“Who's `we'?”

“People who hate Snape. Which is pretty much everyone.”

Lily took this surprisingly lightly, and James barely managed to hide a grin. Somehow things had changed between them when they'd come to their agreement, and more and more often he was finding the awkwardness around her disappearing, replaced with a witty banter that shocked him with how similar it could be to his conversations with Sirius. When James had bared the truth to Sirius, palms sweating and nervous to the point of irrationality, Sirius had absolutely stunned him by smiling distractedly.

“That's nice,” he had said calmly. “Hey Wormtail, d'you mind going down to Hogsmeade and getting some more sugar quills? I'm dying in Binns's class without them…”

Lily, too, had been a bit suspicious at that, but she'd still taken it lightly.

“Why challenge a good thing?” she'd asked.

The thing of it was, James didn't think it was a good thing; Sirius wasn't like that. He did not like being lied to, no matter how many times he himself lied, and James had denied, time and time again, any connection with Lily whatsoever. This left one of two options; either this went exactly according to his original plan (which he doubted) or he was completely distracted by something else and would find the time to deal with this revelation later. Neither one of these options particularly appealed to him.

“James? James!”

Lily was staring at him, as though waiting for an answer.

“Huh? What?”

“I asked you if you'd help me get that.” She pointed at a spot on the ceiling a few feet above them, and he saw that a sweet had managed to get stuck up there. He gave her a funny look.

“Is this a test?”

“What?”

“Because you can stop doing those.”

“James, I'm not--”

“In fact, I'm sort of offended that you--”

“Listen to me!” she half laughed, half shouted. “I can't get it, I've forgotten my wand. I promise,” she added, seeing the look of deep suspicion on his face.

“Fine,” he grunted, and with a wave of his wand, the sweet came floating gently down into his hand. Handing it to her he said, grudgingly,

“I suppose that would explain why you're doing it all by hand.”

“And I suppose that means that you were doing it because I was? How sweet!”

“Er--no.” James rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Then why weren't you--”

“I can't do charms. Well, I passed Charms, but I--that is to say--” He began fidgeting with his wand.

“So…you're saying that you've never been taught how to do a proper cleaning spell, so you manage to find clever ways to make other people do it for you.”

He gave her a reproachful look.

“It's not--look, it's not as manipulative as you're making it out to be.”

“I didn't think it was, I was exaggerating to give you a bit of shame.” Lily patted his shoulder familiarly; James flinched a little, and Lily pretended not to notice.

“Honestly, though,” she said, taking his wand from his hand and flicking it at the mess, “you ought to consider getting somebody to teach it to you. I'm sure Flitwick would be happy to.”

“Erm--probably not,” he said, watching the wrappers and sweets littering the floor, as well as the bag they had been putting all of it in, disappear. The last day of Charms in their fifth year, Sirius had set Professor Flitwick's eyebrows on fire and he himself had managed to cause him to go flying out the window, causing him to call the pair of them “a set of ruffians” and “outrageous ragamuffins”, among other things. James highly doubted that he ever wanted to see either of their faces ever again.

Explaining this to Lily, she began laughing.

“Did he really use those words?” she asked once her giggles subsided. When he assured her that he had, she shook her head.

“Goodness, I can't imagine that.” She sighed happily. “That's wonderful, though, in a horrible way.” Handing James his wand back, she said, as though having made an important decision, “I suppose I'll teach you then.”

“It's not important, really, I don't--”

“Of course you need it. Unless you intend to live like a muggle?”

“I'll always have a House-elf.”

Lily looked disgruntled.

“That's cheating.”

“Some people could say that about magic.”

“…that's true.”

James smiled smugly, and then got a glimpse of the sky out of the window. The smug expression slid right off his face when he saw it. There, clear and bright, hung the full moon.

“Shit,” he whispered to himself. He understood why Remus hadn't mentioned it; he wouldn't want to chance Snape overhearing, and he would be having a hard enough time trying to resist the moon's pull as long as possible. But why hadn't Sirius come to tell him? He wasn't honestly planning on handling Moony on his own, was he? True, Wormtail would be there, but how much help would that be?

“What is it?” For the second time, Lily interrupted his thoughts, a crease appearing between her eyebrows and not bothering to scold him for his language. James shook his head hard.

“I have to go,” he mumbled. “I forgot something, something important…”

“I'm guessing that asking to go with you would be stupid.” Lily smiled ruefully at him, and he nodded.

“Yeah…” The more he thought about it, the more disturbed he became. He'd never missed a transformation that took place at school, and Sirius and Peter knew that. He set off at a sprint at towards the giant double doors in the front, not pausing to speak to Nearly Headless Nick, who seemed to be trying to start a mournful conversation about his impending deathday. Bursting out the doors, he remembered, fleetingly, that he had neither the invisibility cloak or map, making it impossible for him to transform right away. He cursed under his breath, but decided, as quickly as the thought had come to him, to transform in the tunnel under the tree. Reaching the Whomping Willow, he slumped over, supporting himself with his hands on his knees. He could barely breathe, his lungs felt so close to exploding. After a moment, he stood up, then cursed again.

“How the…how the hell am I supposed to get in?” he panted. There was no Wormtail to press the knot for him, and he could see no long sticks lying around. Normally, he would consider waiting until they came out for their romp around the grounds, but something told James that he could not afford to wait, that things were not as normal as they appeared. Closing his eyes tight, James made a wild, desperate leap, and at once he was caught up by the branches.

“Oh fuck, oh God.”

He whispered this at a rapid pace to himself as he was swung back and forth, clinging for dear life. Though he was a Quidditch player and loved to fly, this was something completely different. They boughs of the relatively young tree were strong, and they whipped his face and body mercilessly. His glasses were knocked to the ground, and he was left swinging around as vague black blurs surrounded him on all sides. Finally, he did the only thing there was left to do; he jumped.

When he landed, he hit the base of the tree hard. It appeared that he had managed to inadvertently hit the knot in his fall, and he was left to pick up and replace his cracked glasses on his nose.

“What the hell am I doing?” he hissed. But something in his gut told him that no matter what, even if nothing out of the ordinary was happening, he had to know now, because if something did…well, he'd never be able to forgive himself. Dragging himself up, blood and a spider web-shaped crack in his glasses obstructing his vision, he went down into the gap in the roots and followed the tunnel.

“Lumos,” he hissed, and the tip of his wand lit up.

There was an eerie quiet, and James realized, surprised, that Wormtail and Padfoot weren't there yet. He frowned; there was definitely something wrong. They were always there by now…He decided, until he spotted some sign that they were there, not to transform. He emerged out of the tunnel to the house and shined his wand around. Examining the thin layer of dust that had blanketed the floor in it's month of disuse, he realized that there were footprints. Human footprints.

One of them was Remus's stumbling and weak. The other one he didn't recognize, but he knew it wasn't supposed to be there. He ran after the footprints, and he found himself coming before the door that he knew Remus was in, whining and scratching, wondering why his friends hadn't come, furious about it. And standing there, his hand resting on the knob, was none other than Severus Snape. James had to put a hand on the wall from stumbling back in shock and horror.

When Snape heard footsteps behind him, he turned around, and seeing James, he grinned.

“I knew it,” Snape croaked. “I always thought…and he is. Lupin…he's a werewolf, a filthy werewolf, at this school!”

“Snape,” James said, “You don't know what you're talking about.” He found himself acting unreasonably calm. Though a small part of him wanted Snape to open the door, to see exactly what Remus had become, another part, the responsible and, ultimately, the bigger part, knew that he could not allow this to happen. If not for Snape, then for Remus.

“It seems that I do; more than you, at any rate,” he sneered, taking in James's bloody, disheveled appearance. “Black, the idiot, he told me everything I needed to know. Finally, you fools will get what you deserve. I should think that expulsion would be the very lightest of punishments.”

James's blood went cold at the mention of Sirius. However, he tried not to show this to Snape.

“Snape, you don't--”

“Silence, Potter!” Snape shrieked. He pointed his wand at James's head. James froze, and Snape's smile widened, half-crazed.

“And now,” he said, licking his lips, “the time has come for me to see it for myself.” Like a flash, Snape turned the knob and opened the door.

At once, Moony was upon him, mad and eager for blood. He was on Snape's chest, Snape's eyes so wide that the whites were threatening to swallow the inky black irises. Just before Moony could sink his teeth into Snape's throat, Prongs had leapt at him, pinning him down with his hoofed feet. Moony growled at this show of disrespect and theft from one he considered a friend, and tried to bite Prongs's leg off. Prongs dodged, then kicked Moony hard, so hard that he ricocheted off the door frame and back into the room that he'd come from. James changed back, then hastily slammed the door shut, trying hard to ignore the heart wrenching whimpering sound that Moony was now making. He turned and found, to his immense relief, that Snape had already fainted and presumably hadn't seen him change into Prongs or back.

James levitated Snape back to the tunnel and out of the Whomping Willow, which was still frozen, and toward the castle. As he passed the greenhouses, two shadows darted about, then appeared next to him as they recognized who he was. He didn't stop, and a moment later he knew they had transformed, because Sirius's voice came floating toward him.

“Oi! Potter, wait up!”

Sirius and Peter appeared on either side of him, both of them looking into his face expectantly.

“James…James, come off it, you aren't upset, are you? He's a prat! He doesn't deserve any less than that, always snooping around as he does…” Sirius, as he watched James's expression, seemed to become less and less certain of his own words.

“James…at least…look at me, for God's sakes, look at me!” He sounded on the verge of tears, desperate to be comforted, to know that he and James were still on the same side.

But James could not look at him. Though he was furious and hurting in places that he didn't know could hurt, he felt more sad than anything else. Sad at what Remus would have to wake up to, sad at what Dumbledore would be forced to say, sad that Sirius didn't even know what he'd done that was so wrong.

And when he figured out that what made him saddest was that Lily would be sad, he didn't know how he could bring himself to forgive him.

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12. Werewolves and Chocolate

Chapter 12: Werewolves and Chocolate

When he got to the Hospital Wing, what surprised James was how everyone was so concerned about him. Sirius and Peter, though they realized that they were being ignored, still trailed after him the whole way there, then whispered things to each other every few minutes. James wanted to tell them to leave, but he didn't really--a vindictive and at the same time justice-seeking voice inside told him that they ought to be here to explain everything to Remus themselves. He didn't get to say anything to them, however, due to the excessive attention that Madame Pomfrey was paying to him.

“Potter, I expect an explanation after I'm through with you,” Madame Pomfrey said, examining him closely. “To think, I was foolish enough to imagine that I wouldn't have to lay eyes on you this year…”

“But shouldn't you be looking at…” He pointed at Snape helplessly, searching for some way, any way, to get some breathing room. She didn't reply until she had carefully examined up each of his nostrils.

“Nonsense, he's fine,” she said. “And luckily, there's nothing more than scratches here, even if some of them are a bit deep.” She waved her wand, and the injuries began to close up. With another flick, he could feel the blood, which had begun crusting over, being washed from his face. He grimaced, but instead of saying anything he turned to look at Snape. He seemed to be halfway conscious, occasionally moaning and his face set in a frown that hadn't been there before. James felt a nervous tremor run down his spine. He knew it wasn't really his fault, but he felt that if he had been paying closer attention to Sirius he might have figured out what he was doing.

“You're all finished,” Madame Pomfrey said, smiling grimly. “And have I made it clear to you that I don't want to see you--or any of you, for that matter--” She gave Sirius and Peter pointed looks, “again?”

They nodded, and she left, presumably to go to sleep.

Sirius kept sneaking sidelong glances at James, as though he wanted to say something but was waiting for a time when he looked less upset, or at least more open to listening. James did not think he would be either of these things soon, but he still said,

“What the hell were you two thinking?”

“What do you mean, `you two'?” Peter asked, his voice even more pitchy than usual. “It wasn't my idea, I'll have you know!”

Sirius gave Peter the dirtiest look he could, and James couldn't help thinking that he deserved it.

“Shut it,” he growled. “You certainly didn't protest when I told you about it.” Peter blushed and ducked his head. Sirius turned back to James and said, almost accusingly,

“Look, Snape kept trying to figure out what Moony was doing. He would've figured it out on his own! Probably already did, it isn't like the oily bastard has anything better to do with his time.”

“So you figured, why not point him in the right direction?”

“Exactly!” Sirius said fiercely. “That'll teach him what happens when you stick your slimy honking nose in other people's business!”

“Black, you must be the biggest idiot I've ever met,” James said, his voice low and disgusted. “Didn't it ever occur to you that Moony could kill him?”

Sirius hesitated, then said in a slightly whining voice,

“Pete and I weren't far away…we would've…you know we wouldn't have just let him stay, he wasn't in there long…”

“IT WAS LONG ENOUGH!” James roared, making Peter and Sirius jump. “HE COULD HAVE BEEN RIPPED APART, IT WAS LONG ENOUGH TO--” he stopped himself just in time, and then lowered his voice back to a deadly whisper. “It was long enough to turn him into a werewolf. One bite, that's all it took for Moony…” He trailed off, watching as Sirius seemed to positively shrink thinking of the possible outcomes of his behavior. Peter turned away, and James thought that he could hear sniffling. He knew he was right when, a moment later, Sirius elbowed him and said, gruffly,

“Shut it, you fat baby.” Peter sniffed once more, and then he was silent.

“And if that's not bad enough, Moony won't remember any of it in the morning.”

Sirius looked into James's eyes, stricken.

“Please don't make me--I can't--James, don't make me tell him, how will I--”

James hesitated as he saw the pure agony on Sirius's face. He knew that if it was him, he'd be begging Sirius in the same exact way. But he clenched his jaw and told himself that first, he would never do something like that, and second, he knew what the righteous was, and that wasn't it.

“If you want, I'll tell him,” James began, and held up a hand as Sirius started to thank him. “But,” he continued, “if you can't tell him yourself, I'll lose any respect that I ever had for you.”

If James had just said that any other day in any other situation, Sirius would have laughed and agreed, even going so far as to express surprise that James had any for him at all. But something about the night, about the seriousness in James's face, conveyed to him the magnitude of that loss of respect. He went pale and sat down on one of the empty beds, deep in thought. Peter looked at both of them, then asked, in a quivering voice,

“What about me, then?”

Sirius and James turned to look at him, surprise visibly etched on their features. For all the years they'd known him, Peter had never wanted to claim his responsibility in any wrongdoing, and they had clearly expected him to saunter back to the Gryffindor common room unmentioned and uninvolved. Seeing this and knowing what it meant, Peter said, hesitantly,

“I--I like Remus. And I--I'm sorry.”

Then Peter and Sirius turned to James, and he realized, with not a little surprise and dismay, that they had come to regard him as the voice of justice. He cleared his throat.

“Right,” he said. “Er--you can tell him too. What you did, I mean. Take turns and the like.”

“Right,” Peter echoed, nodding. He went to sit down next to Sirius, and they all fell into silence.

Ten minutes later, Snape woke up, screaming.

“Snape, what in heaven's name happened?” Madame Pomfrey cried as she rushed in, wearing a nightdress and clearly grumpy at being disturbed from her attempts at sleep. Realizing that James, Sirius, and Peter were still there, she frowned.

“And what are you boys doing here?” she asked. “You're all fixed, you can--”

“Werewolf!” Snape shouted. “He's a werewolf, they all know, Black tried to get me killed!” He pointed a finger at Sirius as though to prove his point, and Sirius said ashamedly,

“Didn't your mum teach you manners? It's rude to point.”

James, meanwhile, checked to make sure no one had heard what Snape had said, and was relieved and slightly unnerved to see the only other patient had managed to banish his own ears.

“I'm sure your mother will love to hear about it when you're expelled, Black,” Snape said, baring his yellow teeth in a gruesome smile. Madame Pomfrey looked stricken.

“You know about Lupin's condition, Snape?” she asked gravely. Snape's smile disappeared, and replaced with a frown.

“You mean you knew he was a werewolf?”

“Yes, of course,” Madame Pomfrey said distractedly. “I must get Professor Dumbledore at once…” She hurried out, and as soon as she left, Sirius made a rude hand gesture at Snape.

“Bastard,” he hissed. “Bringing up my mum…”

If James had been on good terms with Sirius, he might have teased him and reminded him that he had done the same, but he didn't want to speak to him again until Remus came back and had issued his verdict. Snape, meanwhile, was in a state of shock.

“They…knew? And they…” He was looking wide-eyed at his hands, as though they were a problem that he had thought he'd worked out perfectly, but still had the wrong answer to.

Madame Pomfrey came back a few minutes later, Dumbledore fully dressed and looking more serious than James had ever seen him. Madame Pomfrey left once more, leaving Dumbledore on his own.

“Mr. Snape,” Dumbledore said, stopping at the foot of Snape's bed and casting the rest of them a quick glance. “I see you've found out about Mr. Lupin's unique circumstance.”

“He's a werewolf, Professor,” Snape said through gritted teeth.

“Yes,” Dumbledore said sadly. “A rather unfortunate occurrence to happen to someone so young.”

“So you knew,” Snape said, breathing through his nose heavily. “Everyone knew, but he's allowed to stay.”

“The staff knows, and we must make allowances accordingly. I can only assume by their taking this with calm that Misters Black, Potter, and Pettigrew know as well. However, they are the only ones who know, and I expect you not to say a word about it to anyone else.”

“And Lupin's allowed to stay here?”

“He is allowed to stay here under the same conditions that you are, Mr. Snape. A slight problem once a month will not be used as grounds for expulsion, at least not at this school.” Dumbledore smiled thinly at Snape, as though had suddenly become very tired. Snape seemed to be waging an internal battle, and then said, finally,

“What about Black?”

“What about Mr. Black?”

“He's the one who told me how to get to Lupin. I could have been killed because of him! Going around, dropping hints about it, and telling me how to get in without actually making clear the danger he knew I'd be in…”

Dumbledore finally turned completely away from Snape to look at Sirius, who was bowing his head and looking like he wanted to die.

“That is a serious accusation, Mr. Snape,” Dumbledore said after a long silence. “Mr. Black, is that true?”

Slowly, without meeting his eyes, Sirius nodded.

“I see. Well, I expect you'll want to go back to your dormitory, Mr. Snape, while I have a word with these young gentlemen.” James once again felt guilty, though he knew that he hadn't done anything wrong. He thought that Dumbledore would believe him, but he couldn't be sure.

“That's not all!” Snape said sharply, desperate to say as much as he could before he left. “Pettigrew, he was there when Black told me how to get into the Willow! He didn't say a word, a smirk on his face like the rest of them! And Potter--he--” Snape's face contorted as he tried to think of exactly what to say. “He must have known, even if I didn't actually see him! He's the Head Boy and best friend of these two monkeys; I wouldn't be surprised if he planned it!”

“Oh, my,” Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling a little as he looked at James. “Is that so?”

“Yes!” Snape cried manically. “Finally thought about losing his Head Boy and Quidditch Captain positions and decided he'd make himself a right little hero to add to his status! And he tried to save his own skin after it was almost too late, the coward!”

“Coward!” James cried, leaping up. “That's what you call me, after I save your sorry--”

“That's enough, both of you,” Dumbledore said. “Mr. Snape, I think it is high time you return to your dormitory, and remember what I have said--not a word to anyone. As for you three, I will want to have a discussion with you privately.” James sank back down, glowering.

“Are you going to expel them?” Snape asked, leaning forward eagerly. Dumbledore gave him a stern look.

“It is not your place or mine to discuss any other student's punishment. However,” he added slowly, seeing the looks of dread that Sirius, James, and Peter were exchanging, “I think that I can safely say that there will be no one expelled. At least, not tonight.” James felt a wave of relief wash over him, as Snape looked crestfallen. Wordlessly, and with as much dignity as he could muster, he rose from his bed and left the hospital wing, only pausing to give Sirius a filthy look, which Sirius mirrored. After they knew he had gone, Dumbledore took a step forward.

“I was going to invite you to my office, but I don't think we're in danger of being overheard.” He smiled serenely at the earless boy, who was muttering in his sleep, then turned back to them.

“I think that I can deduce what happened here tonight,” he said. “Is there anything else you would care to tell me?”

“It's not their fault,” Sirius said after a long stretch of silence. “It's mine. I told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow. Peter didn't really do anything, and James--” He paused and gave James a long, meaningful look, “well, I reckon he's a hero. Somehow he figured out what was going on and stopped Snape before Moo--I mean, Remus, could hurt him.”

“He wasn't bitten, was he James?” James was surprised to hear Dumbledore address him by his first name; he'd never called him that, in all the time that he'd known him and been to his office. However, he recovered quickly and shook his head, a wry smile on his face.

“From all that, I think he'd have told you himself, don't you Professor?”

For a second, James could have sworn he saw a smile tugging at the corners of Dumbledore's mouth.

“Be that as it may,” he said, “Mr. Black, you could have seriously endangered a student's life. For that, I must take fifty points from Gryffindor and suspend all of your Hogsmeade visits for the rest of the year, as well as detention in the hospital wing for the next two weeks.” Sirius looked slightly stricken, but he didn't protest, only saying, hesitantly, “I suppose you'll be taking Quidditch from me too, Sir?”

Dumbledore seemed to consider this for a moment.

“No, I think not, Mr. Black. Not only will Professor McGonagall have my head if I do, but I think that telling Mr. Lupin of what has happened will be punishment enough.” Smiling, he turned to leave, then turned back to them.

“Oh yes, I almost forgot. Mr. Potter, while I have not been informed of all the details of how you knew Mr. Snape would be there, I am nonetheless overjoyed to know that you very clearly saved his life, both in the literal sense and from the bleak future that comes of having Mr. Lupin's condition. I therefore congratulate you and reward Gryffindor forty points. It would be more,” he said, smiling wider, “but I think that Mr. Black might very well faint if we replaced all the points he lost.” Indeed, Sirius was grinning from ear to ear, and had been since being told he could stay on the Quidditch team.

“Th-thank you, Professor,” Sirius stuttered. Dumbledore nodded, then swept out of the room.

“He's a good man,” Sirius said weakly. “I've always said, I love Dumbledore.”

“You know it's better than you deserve,” James said, not wanting Sirius to think that what he'd done was less important than it was. Sirius nodded.

“I know. God, I deserve to be expelled,” Sirius said. “But I still--I really hope that Remus forgives me, you know?”

“I'm sure he will, Sirius,” Peter said bracingly. Sirius looked at James, and James said, slowly,

“I don't know. It's really up to him, isn't it?”

***

When Remus was brought in the next morning, his pale face was looking more scratched and bruised than usual. James was already awake, and he shook Sirius and Peter from their naps. At the sight of Remus, Sirius turned pale, and he began to wring his hands.

“Oh, God,” he whispered. “Oh, God, what do I do?”

“Go wait until he wakes up,” James whispered back. “Peter, you too.” He watched as they got up, looking as though someone had died, and he felt pity, though he didn't want to. Perhaps being sleepy had made him feel a little more lenient, but whatever caused him to feel that, way, he found himself standing up.

“I'll come too,” he said. Sirius gave him a sickly smile. When they reached Remus's bedside, they could see he was already partly awake. When he saw them, he frowned slightly.

“I thought that I saw you there,” Remus said weakly. “What are you doing here?”

James nudged them, and Sirius and Peter both took a step forward.

“Well--er--Remus,” Sirius began. “You--well, that is to say, I--”

Remus's face went pale.

“Did I hurt someone last night?” he interrupted, sitting up with extreme effort and looking at each of their faces. “Did I hurt you?”

“No!” Sirius said hurriedly, “No, it isn't like that, it's me, you haven't done a thing.”

“Oh,” Remus said, slumping back against the pillows and letting his eyes slip shut, “well, what is it? I hurt all over, and if it's not important, I really am very tired…”

“It's Snape. He knows.” Peter said this, and he said it very quickly, as though hearing it and actually understanding what it meant would hurt him.

Remus opened his eyes very slowly.

“What?”

“He knows,” Sirius said. “It's because--well, I told him how to get into the Whomping Willow, and he did the rest, and I think he knew anyway, but God, Moony, I'm so sorry, please don't--well, okay, you can yell at me, but please don't hate me. But if you did I'd understand and…I'm sorry, I really am…” He turned away, and James could see that he, like Peter had earlier, was wiping away tears.

“Sirius…are you crying?” Remus asked.

“No,” Sirius said guiltily, wiping his eyes quickly and turning back to face him.

Remus looked at him knowingly.

“I see.” James could tell he was biting his tongue, and for a moment, he looked out the window. Then he looked back at the three of them and smiled bitterly.

“I suppose you won't like to hear it, but I'm not really surprised. I expect I've been thinking something like this would happen for a long time.”

Sirius and James exchanged looks, and James said, slowly,

“What're you saying, mate? You never really trusted us?”

“No!” Remus shouted loudly, then reddened. “It wasn't anything like that,” he said quietly. “It was just--” He paused and took a breath, which reminded them of how tired he was, “when I got bitten, I never really expected to have friends after that. So, after I met you three, I figured it was just a matter of time until you found out, and then I'd sort of…go back to the way I was. And you did find out, but you didn't leave, you became…you know,” he said, and James could tell he was worried somebody might over hear him, not knowing that the only patient was earless. “And--”

“Any other decent person would have done it, Remus,” James said, speaking for the first time. “A person who doesn't like you for having a little problem like that is a first class arsehole.”

Remus shook his head wisely.

“You're saying that because you don't know better,” he said. “But I knew, and still know, that things don't work that way, and there had to be somebody else who found out and wouldn't like me because of it.” He took another deep breath and smiled. “But it's Severus Snape, and I don't think he thought much of me to begin with.”

“So, you're not upset?” Sirius asked incredulously. “It's my fault he knows, and you're still not mad?”

“Oh, I'm still rather annoyed, and I might feel like shouting tomorrow,” said Remus, who James knew never shouted, “but I'm really much too tired to do anything about it right now, and like you said, he already knew, right? So in a day or two I should be fine.”

Sirius and Peter both stared at him, slack jawed.

“But--but--”

“If you bring chocolate and keep showing me how sorry you are,” Remus yawned, “then all will be well, I promise.”

“Well…if you want…”

“I do. No go awa-aa-aay,” he said, yawning. “I want to sleep, for God's sakes.” He rolled over and went to sleep, and giving each other silent looks of awe, they crept silently out of the hospital wing.

“Well…that was unusual,” Peter said, breaking their confused silence.

“It's like we always said, he's a bit of a girl,” Sirius said thickly, “but bloody hell, how did that happen?”

James, and Peter he knew as well, truly didn't have an answer.

“Maybe…” Sirius said slowly, “maybe he'll be really upset tomorrow, and then he'll say how much he hates me and wants me to die. God, for a while I wanted to die.” He sighed, then turned to James with an unspoken question, and when James patted him reassuringly on the back, Sirius got his answer, and he grinned.

“Don't go crying again,” James said sternly, and Sirius kicked him.

“It's that damn Peter's fault, being around him so much makes me weepy. Not that I actually did cry, but…you know.”

Peter blushed furiously, but all in all, they were in higher spirits than any of them would have imagined a few hours earlier. While James and Peter went back to their dormitory, Sirius took the passage behind the mirror to Hogsmeade and, according to his and Remus's account later that day, bought out every chocolate frog that Honeydukes had.

Authors Note: I want to apologize quickly; for I'm afraid I told a lie in response to the reviews to chapter 9—that was not the only chapter Lily wasn't in. As you've probably noticed, she isn't here, and I'm very sorry! She's in the next one, I promise.

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13. Avoidance and Playacting

Chapter 13: Avoidance and Playacting

The next day, James looked up from his homework and into Lily's large, grave eyes.

“What the hell are you--”

“James, I have something to tell you.”

“What? Can it wait, this homework is really--”

“It's important.”

“Fine.” He put down his quill, and leaned back, not knowing whether to be annoyed or glad that she had interrupted. The homework itself wasn't what had been causing him all the trouble; rather, his thoughts kept straying to that morning, Sirius's tears and Remus's pale, scratched face.

“It's about Remus.”

James's stomach knotted. She couldn't…Snape wouldn't have said something, would he?

“I know about him. His condition, that is.” She looked just as nervous as he felt, as though she was afraid to tell him.

“Oh. You do.” A cold, shivering feeling of dread settled over him, and he wiped sweating palms on his robes. “Snape--the bastard told you?” As he said it, he felt his throat constrict. Any shred of nobility he might have shown the night before had vanished, replaced with the need to find Snape and kill him, torture him as slowly and painfully as was humanly possible. A flicker of annoyance penetrated Lily's concerned expression.

“No, he didn't,” she said, her voice strained and quiet. “I overheard him talking with Professor Dumbledore this morning. I knew something was wrong with Remus, I knew he was sick a lot, but James, I had no idea.” She bit her lip and began to crack her knuckles, desperately avoiding looking at him.

James gripped the arms of the armchair he was sitting in.

“So, d'you—well—what the hell are you telling me for?” He started to feel a bit indignant. What right did she have to get him so worried, tell him things she didn't want to say and he didn't want to hear?

“I can't exactly tell him, now can I?” she said, almost sobbing. “You're the only one I can--never mind, it's stupid.” She got up and, abruptly as she had come, she left. James sat for a minute, then buried his face in a pillow like he had when he found out he was Head Boy. He felt the same feeling of utter powerlessness that he had felt then, like he wasn't in control of anything happening around him.

***

After that, Lily avoided him. Occasionally, he caught her staring thoughtfully at Remus, pity in her eyes, and he found that she had taken to compulsively standing up, taking a few steps in their direction, and then sitting down again. He felt bad for her; he could tell she wanted to do something, but for once could not think of a way to express how she felt without being insensitive.

The situation with Remus and Sirius, meanwhile, made no sense to anyone, least of all James. Sometimes they would act as though nothing had happened, laughing and joking. Other times, Remus would acquire a distant look, or Sirius would say something jokingly to him only to be met with a cold stare. James didn't like it, and after a day or so he found himself ignoring entire conversations just so he wouldn't have to notice these small exchanges. He could still talk to Peter, but Peter said very little to him even when he initiated conversation, so caught off guard was he by the sudden, constant attention.

He quickly abandoned Peter and, by the eve of Halloween, he was spending much of his free time seeking out Marlene McKinnon and Hestia Jones. Their company was a welcome distraction from the grim atmosphere he found with his best friends, and they always greeted him warmly. If he ignored the way that Marlene's cheeks would occasionally go pink when he talked to her, he could even imagine that they were his best mates. True, they were girls, but Hestia was quick to eradicate any traces of foolish girlishness in their conversations with a well thought out snort of derision.

That night, they were talking about their plans for the next day.

“Charlie's taking me out to the Forbidden Forest,” Hestia said, not bothering to keep her voice down. “We're going to try to capture a thestral.”

Marlene arched an eyebrow as James grinned.

“And how do you intend to catch one without having seen anything die, Miss I-Can't-Stand-The-Sight-Of-Blood?”

“Charlie killed your cat, remember? He'll be able to catch it for us.” As soon as she said this, Hestia discretely flicked her wand and made a mysterious hissing noise. At once, Marlene's hair disappeared from her head, though she seemed not to notice.

“He what?” Marlene screeched. “He killed Cassandra?”

“Oh, keep your shirt on, he was six.”

“But that was my cat, and he said a fox ate it!”

“One did… after he gave it to him.”

“Oh my God!” Marlene's face contorted with rage. “I'll kill him! I'm owling mum about this immediately, there is no way he'll get off unharmed…”

James laughed, and Hestia rolled her eyes.

“How about you James?” she asked. “Big Marauder prank this year?”

“Not that I know of.” James sobered up a bit; he wouldn't know even if there was one. He always pretended to be asleep when Sirius and Remus came into the dormitory and he'd been ignoring Sirius on their two-way mirror; he just didn't want anything to do with the awkwardness.

“Well, I hope so,” Hestia said, stretching like a cat. “That shit is brilliant. I hate you when they happen, but damn, if they don't make the best memories.”

James nodded, then excused himself after Charlie headed over. While he wanted to see what Marlene was planning to do with him (he was sure that it be both very unpleasant and amusing) he had suddenly grown tired. After stripping to his underwear, taking off his glasses and getting into bed, his last conscious thoughts were wondering whether there would be a prank and, if so, if it would be any good.

***

“Jamie…Jamie, wake up.”

James opened his eyes groggily, thinking for a second that he was at home. His mum and Sirius were the only ones who called him Jamie, and the voice that had spoken had most definitely been feminine. The figure before him was a blur, but it wasn't Sirius or his mum. It was too short, for one thing, and for another, he could see the vivid red blur that he knew to be the curtains hanging by his bed.

“Here, let me put your glasses on.”

“No, let me do it,” a second feminine voice chimed in.

“Let me, please let me!” a third cried.

Realizing that there was at least three girls standing around his bed, James thought for a wild moment that his frequent and not exactly unpleasant dream that he owned a harem full of veelas had somehow come true. The image was quickly shattered, however, when a voice said, dryly,

“Shut up, all of you, he doesn't want that shit. Just hand him his glasses and let him do it himself!”

He recognized the `shit' at once--Hestia. Trying not to feel too disappointed, he took the glasses that were being thrust at him, he put them on and looked around, then let out a strangled cry. There were at least ten girls standing around his bed, all looking at him with unabashed adoration.

“Good morning, Jamie,” said the first girl who had spoken, a tall auburn haired girl. “I'm so glad you're awake. Here, I picked some clothes out for you.” She offered them to him, neatly folded. With shaking hands, James reached for them, but they were knocked out of the girl's hand by a second girl with dark hair and blue eyes.

“Stop it,” she growled. “We all helped pick it out.”

Another girl reached for the pile, but she was pushed down by a fourth girl, and it looked like a giant catfight was about to break out.

“Clothes!” James yelped, becoming aware that he was dressed only in boxer shorts. Hestia picked them up and stuffed them into his arms.

“Take these, and I suggest you get them on now…you'll need them.”

“What…what's going on?” he hissed to her when he realized that the girls were not planning on leaving for him to dress.

“I thought you knew. This shit seems your style.”

“No, it's… shit, it's Halloween, isn't it?”

“Yes, it is. And you should either get over your fucking modesty and get dressed in the open, or start dressing under the blanket.”

After a moment's hesitation, James chose the second option, which he thought the awaiting group of girls seemed rather disappointed about.

“Sirius, what the hell did you do?” he muttered. He had a suspicion, but it couldn't be possible…

“No funny business under there, either,” Hestia added. James popped his head above the blanket to give her a dirty look, but it wasn't necessary; the other girls had already rounded on her.

“What are you saying?” one asked.

“James wouldn't--he's much more decent than that!”

“He is my boyfriend, after all.” This came from a girl that James had never even seen before. Hestia cackled at them.

“Believe what you want. All boys are the same.”

James went back under the blanket and finished dressing, wondering what in the world they were teaching thirteen year olds these days.

When he emerged fully dressed, he had to literally battle girls to get down the stairs. Apparently, the ones who had been waiting in his room were the uncreative ones, and the more ardent admirers were waiting for him outside the dormitory to display their affection. James was convinced that he spotted a bust of his head made of cheese, and he had to grip Hestia's bony arm for support. Getting to the common room, James found that the unexplainable admiration was not his only problem; there were boys sitting there who did not look to pleased that their girlfriends were arguing over who got to walk within touching distance of him.

“Hey, Potter,” said Barty Crouch, a menacing gleam in his eye. “Mind having a talk?”

“Er--I can't.” James said, thinking quickly, “I--er--”

“James, you arse, just run!” Hestia hissed, kicking him in the leg. Wondering if that was supposed to propel him forward, he nevertheless took her advice and was quickly out the door.

“Morning, Mate!” Sirius said cheerfully when he reached the Gryffindor table, out of breath. “Get a good night's rest? Nice walk down?”

“What the hell did you do?” James asked through gritted teeth. Any doubt that James might have had about his friend's guilt was removed by the grins he was exchanging with Peter and even Remus, who looked happier than James had seen him in a long time.

“Why do you think--”

“Sirius, I can write a letter to my mum and tell her to get rid of all your dirty magazines.”

Sirius's grin evaporated.

“Not on, mate. What sort of friend are you?”

“None at all at the moment. What'd you do?”

Sirius leaned back in his chair and laced his fingers.

“James, for a while I've had a prank idea churning in here.” He pointed at his head. “Originally, I was going to use it on your precious Evans--”

“She's not my precious anything--”

“Look, do you want to hear what I'm saying or not?”

James closed his mouth and Sirius smiled, clearly enjoying himself.

“I was going to use it on her, but I knew it wouldn't have desired effect. So then, of course, I resorted to my old favorite, Snivellus. But I knew that, due to recent events,” he cast a worried glance at Remus, who seemed completely unperturbed, “that that wouldn't quite work out. And I thought, as Halloween drew near, who the hell, then? And then I came on the solution. Who better than my dear, lonely friend Prongs?”

“Who better for what, exactly?”

“You need a girlfriend, or at least a good healthy snog. You keep saying Evans isn't the one for you, and I believe in that wholeheartedly, so I figured why not give you a shot at every girl in the Gryffindor tower? Well, not all. I don't approve of cradle robbing, so only fifth years and up.”

“Are you telling me that you…” James trailed off, not even daring to voice his worst fear.

“You know, it's a funny thing about girls,” Sirius said lightly. “They'll take sweets from anyone and not even think to question its contents.”

“You fucking put love potion in their sweets?”

“Relax, Jamie, it's only for today. It's not like half of them aren't secretly in love with either you or me anyway.”

James stared wordlessly at how coolly Sirius was taking the whole situation, as though having a large mob of girls after you wasn't a big thing. Perhaps to him it wasn't, but to James, who had always tried to remain low-key when it came to girls--not to mention was slightly afraid of them--it was overwhelming. Shaking with rage, he went to sit as far from his friends as possible, and that, coincidentally, happened to be right next to where Lily was sitting. As he looked at her and the seat awkwardly, she smiled and patted the seat.

“You can sit here--it's alright,” she said nicely. “Severus has been in a bad mood, so I haven't had many people to talk to.”

“Like Snape talks,” James said, sitting down. He was at once wary--she was being unusually nice to him. Had Sirius given her some tainted candy too?

“He could be such a fascinating conversationalist,” Lily sighed. “But he's restricted by the life his parents built for him.”

“It's his own damn fault he's an arse.”

“He's not an--he's not anything having to do with the posterior. There are much worse people.”

“Look, let's not talk about this,” James said abruptly, reaching for his goblet. “It's Halloween, and it's the worst bloody day of my life.”

“Why?” Lily propped her head up on her hand and gazed at him.

“You haven't noticed?”

“Well of course I have, but I don't know what's good to bring up and what isn't.”

“All of it's bad. My life is bad.” James had just said it to be melodramatic, but as soon as the words escaped his lips, he knew he thought they were true. Aside from a few dimly glowing parts of his life, everything, especially his future, seemed grim. He felt himself begin to deflate at the sudden onslaught of depression.

Lily grasped his hand and gave him a smile.

“It gets better, dear,” she said in a mollifying voice. “Having a group of girls tripping after you will not destroy you. Think about how many boys wish they were you right now!” She jerked her head toward the girls, who were watching James and Lily with matching expressions of jealousy and longing on their faces. James could see that the combined efforts of Hestia and her boyfriend Charlie were keeping them from forming something akin to a stampede.

“Not many people can say that they've had that sort of problem,” she continued.

“They don't know what it's like,” James said, and he knew he wasn't just talking about this one instance.

“It gets better,” Lily repeated, somehow interpreting what he was thinking. “If you want, I'll help you.”

James felt a smile come to his face, though neither of them could say what it was she planned to help him with.

“How much d'you reckon McGonagall will hate this?”

“As it's Monday, she'll absolutely despise you.”

“I can only hope.”

“It won't be so horrible.”

“Lily?”

“Hm?”

“You didn't eat any sweets today, did you?”

Lily smiled mysteriously.

“I refuse to divulge such a secret. It allows me to act however I choose, even if it's just playacting. Have you smoked lately?”

James rolled his eyes and attempted to throw his hands up, but Lily was still grasping one of them tightly. He eyed it nervously, then put it out of his mind.

“Don't answer me if you don`t want,” Lily said. “And please don't get upset.”

“Why did you ask if you didn't want me to do anything?”

“Because,” Lily said, turning in her seat and pulling an opened letter out of her bag, “Petty sent me the latest on Coronation Street.” She waved it in front of James's face. “The longer it's been, the more I'll tell you.”

James tried to look at the letter with disdain, but couldn't help the creeping curiosity.

“I smoked one yesterday.”

“Only one?”

“Yeah.” Ever since Lily had hexed his cigarettes, James had been wary of them. Though he doubted, at this point, that she would do something of that sort again, he was always a bit nervous about it, and even at the times when his cravings for them became irresistible, he was finding it harder to enjoy them than it had used to be.

“That's great,” she said. “If you can handle these girls gracefully, I promise you can read all of it.”

James frowned jokingly.

“I thought you would read it to me.” He didn't know what caused him to say it, but he was pleased when Lily's smile grew.

“Well, then, Mr. Potter, in that case we had better hurry before Hestia gives up on us. She looks close to it.”

Indeed, Hestia looked red-faced and her swearing was so loud that Professor McGonagall was swooping down from the head table to confront her about it.

“And the plan is?”

“Act as though this is normal and ignore them.”

“Funny. I was expecting something more profound and heartfelt from you.”

“It ruins the effect of the profundity if you're expecting it,” Lily said, sticking her tongue out. “Besides, I could very well be acting on the effects of a love potion.”

“As long as you aren't trying to get me into a broom closet.”

Lily gave him an amused look.

“They're overrated.”

James choked on the pumpkin juice that he'd brought to his lips.

“Goodness, James!” Lily said, pounding him on the back. “I wasn't speaking out of experience!”

James didn't say anything else and resumed normal conversation with her, but nevertheless he made a mental note to keep a careful eye on who she talked to the next few days, in case he found a snogging partner among them.

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14. A Tragedy and a Realization

Chapter 14: A Tragedy and a Realization

Halloween managed to be more enjoyable than James would have expected. He and Lily had taken to naming the girls who pursued him, as most of them were younger and neither James nor Lily knew who they were, even with Lily's uncanny knowledge of people.

“Ursula,” Lily said, watching a girl with red hair several shades lighter than hers stalk away after her proposal of marriage had been awkwardly refused. “I definitely think her name is Ursula.”

James grinned.

“Are you sure?” he asked. “I thought of her as a Ginger.”

“You know, that's so unoriginal for a redhead that I really do think it could be her name. Parents can be rather unoriginal, you know.”

“Is that an insult to my name or a compliment?”

“It's what you make of it.”

The day passed quickly, and, aside from Professor McGonagall shouting at a group of girls who had gathered outside the Transfiguration classroom to serenade James, it managed to pass with minimal incident. There were, of course, audible snickers from the Slytherins, but James had expected that. It went so well, in fact, that that night in the common room Lily was able to ask James with some semblance of seriousness,

“So, are you going to miss them?” She gestured towards the girls, who were trying to comfort themselves as they began to reluctantly acknowledge defeat.

“I don't know,” he said, rubbing his chin and mock frowning, “I really could get used to a fan club…”

Lily smirked.

“But really,” she continued, ignoring what he'd said, “do you want my opinion?”

“If I say no, will you still tell me?”

“Of course, but I wanted you to feel you still had a choice in the matter.”

“I never do.”

“Come off it. Anyway, I don't think it's worth being angry at your friends for. It's just a bit of fun.”

“It's--that's not everything.”

“From the way you said that, I take it that you don't want to tell me what `everything' is.”

“You know already.”

Lily averted her eyes.

“Nobody else knows that. It's not my place to say anything about it. Besides, I don't know if I heard everything or not. I mean, I thought I did, but it wasn't as though I was pressing my ear against a door to hear every word…”

James thought for a moment, then said, slowly,

“You…you could tell Remus you know about him, you know.”

Lily smiled as she continued to stare at the armchair.

“What good would it do?”

“He'd know you knew.”

“There's a lot of things people know that they don't have to tell.”

“What?” James felt that she meant something more by that, and felt particularly dim for not having caught it.

Lily finally looked up, directing her smile at him.

“Tell you what. When you decide to forgive Sirius completely, not just whatever sort of forgiveness you've got now, then I'll tell Remus what I know.”

“How did you know Sirius and I…” He trailed off, allowing his surprise to be obvious.

Lily laughed.

“Haven't you figured out that I know everything?”

“Right,” James said dryly.

“Come along,” Lily said, standing up and patting his arm. “We have a feast to attend.”

***

It was the first week of November, and the flurry of owls brought in not only the first signs that snow had begun, but also the sense of dread that said that today was the day that James was going to receive his monthly letter from his parents.

His father never actually contributed to the effort of writing it, but his mum always made sure to make it look like he'd at least glanced over at it as she wrote. This was so James would think he's made some comment or other, whether it was agreeing with her or telling him to stay out of trouble. No matter what it was, it was completely uncomforting and James dreaded feeling obligated to read about his mum's latest escapades in the social world.

Just as he suspected he would, he soon spotted a familiar gray owl, Aristotle, carrying a lavender colored letter. He groaned. He hoped that, just this once, his mum would forget to be herself and write a normal letter.

He had no such luck. His mum had continued to write about Madame Delacour's sister just as she had in September and October's letters, and midway through, after informing him of her preparations for the Christmas ball, she wrote,

She's so sweet--we've been corresponding regularly, and would you believe that she's absolutely fascinated by Quidditch? I thought that that would please you. I look forward to you two finally getting to meet. I really do think you'll like her, and I hope I'm not getting to far ahead of myself saying you might just change your mind about marriage!

“You damn well are getting ahead of yourself,” James growled. “Bitch.” He set the letter on fire then looked up, hoping that he would get another opportunity to scare the owl, but Aristotle had gone, replaced only with a disapproving Lily.

“James,” she said wearily. “Honestly. That sort of name calling is really unnecessary.”

“You didn't read it,” he reassured her. “It deserved it.”

“Are you sure?” In spite of what she had said, though, James thought he could see the tiniest of smiles.

“Morning, James, Evans.” Sirius had come, along with Remus and Peter.

“Hello, Sirius,” Lily said. It was clear that, even if he insisted on calling her by her last name, she'd continue to use his first name.

“Feel free to call me Black,” Sirius said, sitting down across from James. “I'm used to hearing it from Snivelly.”

Lily visibly tensed, and James remembered that Lily had heard Snape talking to Dumbledore--most likely, she knew what Sirius had done. By his name calling and showing that he hadn't learned his lesson, James was afraid that the animosity between them would become so thick that they would never get along, even if Lily had been the one to tell James to forgive him.

“Sirius,” James said, glancing at Lily's face, “maybe--er--could you be nice?”

Sirius gaped at him, and James figured out very quickly that he'd just broken some unspoken rule.

“What?” Sirius's voice came out in a whisper.

“Well…yeah,” James said, shifting around in his seat. “I mean--you know that Evans is friends with him.”

“Evans?” Lily asked, raising her eyebrows. He knew she was highly amused, but he became nervous and felt that they were both putting pressure on him.

“Lily, sorry, Lily.” James was beginning to sweat, knowing that things were only getting worse and thinking quickly as to how to get out of the situation. Sirius was glaring daggers at Lily, but she was completely unaware of it, instead watching an owl fly toward her.

“That's odd,” Lily said. “Petty and everyone owled me the other day…”

Sirius turned towards James.

“So you're defending her now?” he sneered. “That's really great, James. Put a girl before your best mate. You know, just because she snogs you doesn't mean you have to take her side.”

“We do not snog!” James said, his face turning beet red. “You know, you're just a fucking arse, is what you are!”

“Oh, an arse, am I? Well, let me tell you I'm not the one who was turned into a chicken by a girl who he doesn't even get a snog from!”

James was about to reply furiously when Lily made a choking sound. All four of them turned to look at her.

“What the hell?” Sirius asked, bewildered. “Why's she crying, Prongs? Is she that much of a girl? Is she honestly crying just because of what I said?”

James ignored his babbling.

“Lily?”

Lily grabbed at her heart, looking as though she was having a hard time breathing. Then she started to make odd sounds, the horrible sounds James expected a dying person would have made, then put her head in her hands and shaking horribly.

“Lily?” he asked again, standing up. But he could already tell, having seen it happen numerous times before. He'd seen it when Remus had gotten a similar letter. Realizing that other people were beginning to notice and knowing it could only make things worse, he quickly grabbed her, ignoring all qualms he had about touching girls, and dragged her out, letting her lean almost completely against him as she sobbed as though her body was breaking in half. He kept going, ignoring all questions and jokes from people who didn't realize how serious the situation was until they were in an empty classroom.

“She's dead. She--my mum--” she bawled, crying so hard that the sobs were barely recognizable. She sounded as though her heart was being ripped into tiny pieces. It hurt James just to hear it, and, instinctively, wrapped his arms around her in an awkward hug. At once, Lily clutched his robes and buried her face into his chest, clinging to him like life itself.

“I c-can't--” she wheezed, choking and hiccupping. “Ohhh…”

She grabbed him around the waist and sobbed heavily. James felt strange; he knew what his personality would dictate in a situation like this, but something inside him was shifting and it was telling him exactly what to do and say. He found words, words that didn't even seem to make sense, tumbling from his mouth before he could even think.

“Shh,” he said. “It'll be alright…I won't leave you Lily, I promise…” He knew that things wouldn't be alright for her and that his presence could hardly make up for whatever happened, but she nodded quickly and for so long that he began to realize she couldn't make herself stop. Gently, he took her chin in his hand, and she stopped at once.

“You promise?” she sobbed, pulling away slightly and looking at him. Her face was splotchy and her nose was runny, and James found his heart filling with pity and tenderness, two things he didn't find there often. He nodded, and she put her head back in his robes, shaking and sobbing silently until, after what could have been a minute or an hour, she ran out of tears.

“We should leave,” she said thickly. “Someone will want this classroom.”

“Who cares about them?”

Lily gave him a weak smile, but he could tell she could barely hear him. He sat her down in a chair and sat next to her. She was staring at the floor, as though it caused her too much pain to look anywhere else.

“D'you want to read it?” she asked weakly, putting her head down on a desk.

“Do you want me to?”

Lily shrugged, and he could see, from the trembling of her shoulders, that she had begun another bout of sobbing. He wondered something suddenly--had her mother been killed by Voldemort? Curiosity and dread filling him, James picked up the abandoned letter and read,

Lily,

I'm not quite sure how to write this--do I tell you straight off or say something first? I know how you hate when people inch around a subject, so I'll just tell you straight off. Your mummy died last night, love. She was in a car accident, and the doctors say she probably died at once.

Needless to say, this was unexpected, and things are hard. Petunia, especially, is having a hard time adjusting; you know how close they were. She's angry, but know that whatever she says she doesn't mean.

I'm sorry to have to interrupt your school studies to tell you this, and I'm sorry to disrupt the happiness that you've written about. The funeral is on the seventh, and it's your decision whether you come or not. Petunia and I will understand either way.

Love,

Dad

James could see several wet spots and scribbles, as though Lily's father had been crying as he wrote and had made several mistakes--whole paragraphs were crossed out. Somehow, though, he was relieved that it hadn't been Voldemort. He didn't say this aloud, because he knew that it didn't make a difference to Lily right now. She'd be crying just as hard even if Voldemort had been the source of her mother's death.

“D'you--d'you want me to leave you alone?” James asked awkwardly. Lily stood up at once and grabbed his hands.

“Please don't,” she said brokenly. “No matter what I say--don't leave me alone. I can't--” She broke off, and James felt immensely stupid for having even suggested it. Lily lowered herself back into her seat, and as she alternated between stunned silence and hiccupping sobs, James tried to comprehend the reality of the situation. Thinking about it, it didn't seem right. He'd met Lily's mum, he'd talked to her. It seemed like only a moment ago she was threatening him with a knife jokingly. And now, she'd died, died in some silly Muggle thing that he'd barely understood in Muggle Studies. At least, when Remus's mum had died they'd had some warning. She'd always been sick, ever since he'd met her. Lily's mum, though, she had life and energy. How could she just…

When James looked at Lily again, she had lowered her head to the desk, but it was tilted up just enough so that he could see that she had fallen asleep. He studied her face. Tears lined the blotchy surface, and even in her sleep she looked desperately unhappy. It unsettled him and, transfiguring a feather laying on the floor into a handkerchief, he wiped the wetness off her face gently, trying hard not to wake her. She moved and her eyes fluttered, but she didn't wake up.

James found it odd that he could watch her so easily. He'd known since the day he first saw her that Lily was pretty, something that he rarely acknowledged girls to be. And yet, even when he'd seen girls who were prettier than her, some of the most beautiful girls in the wizarding world, he'd soon grow tired of looking at them, their sheer beauty overwhelming and exhausting him. Lily, he realized in that moment, was one person he'd never grown tired of looking at. Even now, when her face looked haggard and swollen, he could barely look away.

“Shit,” he whispered. “I fancy her, don't I?” Saying it aloud sounded ridiculous, but the truth in it shook him. He slumped in his seat--yes, he had fancied her for a while now. He'd just been too thick to admit it to himself. The feeling of admission was strange and it made him a bit lightheaded--he'd fancied so few girls, but now the attraction was undeniable, and the more it sunk in, the more a stream of affection that he'd dammed up came pouring out, until he had to tear his eyes away from her to keep from waking her up and telling her, right then and there. But then, something hit him.

“Shit,” he said again. How could he tell her? Even in the best of times, he couldn't just tell her that he'd decided he fancied her. For one thing, what if she didn't fancy him? And for another, what if she did? Now it would be even worse. He couldn't tell her something like that when she was mourning for her mother. It would be awkward and strange for everyone. James stood up and began to pace, running a hand through his hair. Much as he didn't want to admit it, he wanted to talk to Sirius about it. Sirius had always been the expert on all things girl-related, and now he needed him more than ever.

He was about to rush out when Lily stirred in her sleep. At once, James's knees buckled and he sat down next to her. Having discovered this, he didn't want to leave her, as though someone else would discover that they, too, fancied her and tell her before he did. No, it was better not to leave her, he decided. Besides, he'd promised not to leave her alone, and he intended to be there when she woke up.

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15. Mothers and Madness

Chapter 15: Mothers and Madness

“Are you going to the funeral?”

James asked Lily the question hesitantly, afraid that it would make her start to cry again. They were sitting in the Gryffindor common room the same day, both of them having decided skipped classes. Well, James thought, for him it was a decision, but Lily hadn't even paused to think twice about it. Lily was leaning on him, and James was aware of her head on his shoulder, though the nervousness that her touch had once prompted was now replaced with a pleasant tingling.

“I don't know,” she said thickly. “I suppose.”

“You don't have to. That's what the letter said.”

“No. I…I think I have…but I don't…” Lily sniffed, and James had to struggle to keep from stroking her hair comfortingly.

“D'you want me to go with you?”

“Don't ask me,” she moaned, turning her head so it was buried completely in his shoulder. “I don't know. I d-don't know anything.”

“Time for bed,” James said briskly, hoisting her up with a small amount of regret.

“I just slept, James,” Lily replied, but she had to stifle a yawn as she did so.

“Goodnight, Lily,” he said, pushing her forward.

“G-goodnight,” she yawned, hugging herself and climbing up the stairs. James watched her go and, after the door had closed, he looked at the letter, which he had brought along and was now lying on the couch. He picked it up and read it again.

“Damn letter,” he muttered for lack of anything else to say. He threw it down, then ran up to his own dormitory and began to rummage through his trunk. After a moment he found what he'd been looking for; his two-way mirror.

“Sirius,” he hissed. A faint tremor went through the mirror, but no face appeared.

“Sirius, I know you're there!”

After a moment, Sirius's face appeared, looking extremely annoyed.

“James,” he said stiffly.

“Are you in class?” James couldn't tell from what little appeared besides Sirius's face if he had placed a silencing charm around him or if he was skiving.

“Yes.”

“Look, don't be an arse--”

“You already said that,” Sirius said. “Why don't you go talk to Evans, you two seem to be enjoying a romantic day of skiving--”

“Her mum just died, you bastard.”

“Oh.” Sirius's facial expression flickered, and in that moment James could see that he felt guilty.

“Listen, I need your help.”

“What for?”

“I--look, can you get out of there?”

“Depends.”

James glared at him, and Sirius sighed.

“I didn't really feel like listening to McGonagall today anyway…”

“Good chap.” James grinned at him, and Sirius's face disappeared.

Not a quarter of an hour later, Sirius was standing before him proudly, flicking an invisible speck of dust from his robes.

“I must say, James, even you would have believed me,” he boasted. “You should have seen McGonagall's face when I acted like I was going to vomit on her, it was classic.”

“I'm sure it was.”

“Now, what's all the fuss about?”

“I--It's a girl.”

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“That's it?”

“Could you pretend to care for a second?”

“No. Her mum died, you haven't got a chance.”

“I know but--wait.” James narrowed his eyes at him. “How did you--”

“Well, you told me her mum died.”

“But how did you know who--”

“You idiot, I've been saying you fancied her for weeks now.”

“But I didn't--I--”

“Shut up. You're thick, and I know you more than you do.”

A slow smile spread over James's face.

“You bastard.”

“Don't say such nice things. I already said you haven't got a chance.”

“Why not?”

“James, you insensitive git, her mum is dead.”

“I know, I know.” James began to pace and run a hand through his hair. He usually did it when he was lying, but was finding himself doing it more and more often to replace smoking.

“It's not like I don't care,” James said after a long time. “I care a hell of a lot, it bothers the shit out of me. But I--damn it, I really--I really fancy her.”

Sirius looked mildly surprised.

“Never heard you say that before.”

“Never said it before,” James muttered. He sat down on his bed and sighed heavily.

“This is pathetic,” Sirius said. “Evans? Are you sure? She's friends with Snivellus and feeds House Elves sugar cookies! Forget that she's mad!”

“I like her,” James said. “And I doubt she feeds House Elves sugar cookies.”

Sirius gave him a look that clearly said that nothing should be put past Lily Evans.

“Please, Sirius?”

“I'm not saying I won't,” Sirius said grudgingly. “But I want to make sure you're sane first.”

“I am,” James said, and he started to laugh, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. For the first time since he'd met her, he felt that he and Sirius were on the same side as far as she was concerned, and he was pleased that he would finally be able to mention her name without feeling like he was stepping into enemy territory.

“I still don't approve of her, I hope you know. I just don't want to see you a lonely virgin when you're 90 years old.”

James felt that perhaps he'd expected too much too soon from him.

***

That evening, Lily finally came out of her dormitory, looking a good deal calmer. James looked up from his book, and as soon as she saw him she headed over, ignoring the small amount of people who tried to talk to her.

“Are you alright?” he asked her.

Lily regarded him for a moment, then said,

“No. But I can breathe again, I think.” Her face contorted, as though she was about to start crying again, but her face quickly resume its normal position. She bit her lip and seemed to be fighting to keep her composure.

“Oh.” James looked down at his hands. He didn't know what to say. Finally he asked, awkwardly,

“Are you hungry? D'you want something to eat?” He winced as he said it. What the hell was he doing asking her a question like that? She shook her head, a shadow of a smile appearing.

“I--I'm going to talk to Severus. I suppose he should know, as he's my best friend, right?” James felt a bit annoyed, in spite of himself, that she still considered Snape to be her best friend. However, he nodded and smiled at her.

“Right. Er--well, I hope he…well, never mind.” James nodded again and turned back to his book.

“James?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.” As she breathed it out in a rush, she clasped her arms around his neck.

“I didn't do anything,” James grunted, trying to ignore the flip-flopping sensation in his stomach.

“Even though I always say Severus is my best friend, I really do think you're the best friend anyone could ask for.” She pulled away, tears in her eyes.

“I'm sorry. I'll be going now.”

“Lily, it's fine,” James said. “I don't--” He couldn't think of how to say what he was thinking. Finally, he said, weakly, “Anytime.”

A real smile lit up Lily's face, dimples and all.

“I know.”

“And--Remus. Remus knows, his mum died, and if you want, you two could--” `Could what?' a voice in his voice asked, `Talk about their mums being dead?' James quickly changed tactics, “Just don't--don't say sorry.”

“Thank you,” she said again, and with that she left.

“Poor kid,” Hestia said at his shoulder. “I heard about her mum.”

“How long have you been there?” James asked, alarmed.

“Long enough to know I won't make fun of you two. Not today, anyway.”

“Where's Charlie?”

“Dumbledore's office,” Hestia said, her face solemn. “You know all those attacks on muggles lately?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, Charlie thinks--and I do too--that we should do something about it.”

James gave her a skeptical look.

“What the hell can a bunch of kids do?”

“A hell of a lot!” Hestia said angrily. “I'm tired of being told that we can't do things because we're too young! I think some of those so-called adults have shit for brains, and it's time some smart people stood up to that bastard!”

“How?”

“I dunno,” Hestia said, deflating, “I think Charlie has ideas, but he wants to discuss them with Dumbledore first.” She began to fiddle with a gold bracelet that James had never noticed before.

“Where'd you get that?”

“Oh, this? Charlie gave it to me.” Hestia smiled, and it caught James off guard with how tender it was.

“You--so you've been dating him a long time?” James didn't know why he asked, but it seemed a subject she was happy to latch upon.

“At least a year. And don't even tell me I'm too young.” Her expression turned fierce. “Everybody always acts as though I don't know anything about how I feel, but I do.”

“And you fancy him?”

“I love him,” Hestia said proudly. She showed James the bracelet, and he caught a brief glimpse of a gold chain with a heart shaped charm on it. She pulled her wrist back and smiled smugly.

“I don't suppose any other boy in the universe has bought their girlfriend jewelry just because he fucking thought she'd like it. At least no boy who hasn't got money flying out of the seat of their pants,” she said. “And can you believe my arse of a mum doesn't think I should speak to him anymore?”

“Yeah, I can,” James said, thinking of his own mother.

“She wrote me this--this stupid letter,” Hestia continued heatedly, “about how I'm effing growing up too fast… I hate her.”

James opened his mouth, then closed it. He was, for what seemed the hundredth time, at a loss for words. Before today, he would have agreed wholeheartedly with her and expressed how much he hated his mother, but after seeing how torn apart Lily was at losing her mum, he didn't really know that he did. After all, he was sure that he'd be almost as distraught if his mum died.

At that moment, Charlie came in through the portrait hole and ambled up to Hestia, his expression defeated.

“We're too young.”

Hestia made a loud sound of annoyance and buried her head into his neck.

“Why?” she cried, her voice muffled. Charlie patted her on the back.

“Dumbledore might be right, Hes,” he said soothingly. “After all, we still have school.”

“I'll quit school!” came her reply, though it sounded weak.

“Really?” Charlie asked. “Then you won't have me.”

“So? You can quit too!”

“No, thanks. I'll finally be able to date the twenty girls who want me.”

“Shut up, you dolt,” Hestia said, hugging him.

“James can join, though,” Charlie said, turning to look at him. James straightened in his chair.

“I can join what?”

“It's some order to help out against You-Know-Who. Did you tell him about…” He trailed off and looked at Hestia expectantly. She nodded, and Charlie turned back to James.

“Well, Dumbledore's been thinking along the same lines as Hes and I have, and he's going to ask people like you and Evans to join a…well, I'm not quite sure what it is, but it's against You-Know-Who, isn't it? Interested?”

James hesitated, then said,

“Yeah, I am.” He felt something swelling in his chest, a mixture of excitement and fear at the very thought of it. Charlie looked like he would have liked to say more, but at that moment Hestia said,

“Let's go eat, I'm starving.”

“One second.” Charlie turned back to James and grinned widely.

“Brilliant Quidditch lately. I don't suppose that I might be able to get on the team?”

James shook his head.

“Not until next year.”

Charlie shrugged.

“Never mind. Not worth it if the only decent player who'll be left is Ludo Bagman. Never met a bigger bastard.” Charlie shook his head and joined Hestia, who had taken a few steps. He laced his fingers with hers, and giving her a look that spoke of affection much more mature than James would have expected, he pulled her after him.

James couldn't help feeling foolish that he was jealous of a pair of third years.

***

“I hate him.”

James was jolted awake by this furious proclamation. He had managed to finish all the reading he needed for Potions, and had dozed off while waiting, as discreetly as possible, for Lily to come back. Now the common room was deserted, and James was surprised to see that the one who had uttered the angry words was Lily herself. Her eyes were glowing eerily, and her hair seemed to actually be aflame.

“What?”

“I hate Severus Snape,” she said, her voice high pitched. “You were right, I can't--how could you have been right about him?”

“Lily, what--”

“I don't understand,” Lily said despairingly, sinking into the armchair next to him. “Why…How could he just…”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I told him how my mum died, and he just--he didn't--he asked me why I'd interrupt him just for--” She started to breathe heavily, to the point where she was nearly hyperventilating. James put out a hand to support her, but she ignored it.

“I've been friends with him longer than anyone,” she said. “And I've told him all sorts of things about my family. But--but now, after all th-the time w-we've known each other, wouldn't he--wouldn't you think he would care that my mummy… my mum…”

“He didn't care?”

“HE DIDN'T FUCKING CARE!” Lily screamed it, making James jump. Lily started to laugh maniacally, then gasped and stopped, clutching her head.

“Oh God, I'm going mad,” she whispered. “I can't do this, they'll--James, am I mad, please tell me I'm not, maybe everyone's right, and I`ve never cursed before, but I just did, and--”

“You're not mad,” James said, feeling a little frightened and not having any idea of what to do.

“I don't know,” Lily said softly, glancing at the stairs to the dormitories as though afraid she`d woken everybody up. “Because I've never felt like this, it's like the world's pressing too far in, and I feel like I'll explode if I have to feel it for one more second. I've never--I've never wished I was dead,” she continued, “but I'm so close to that, and I--”

“Lily, shut up,” James said suddenly. “You're not mad, and I'm here, and just because Snape is a bloody fucking arse doesn't mean that people--I won't let you, I swear I won't.”

“I'm sorry,” she whispered.

“Don't be.”

“But I am, anyway.”

James was quiet for a long time, then said,

“At least you're talking. When Remus's mum died, he didn't talk. He wouldn't say anything about it for a week.”

“I should be like that. I'll drive everyone mad with my crying and whining.”

“Don't be an idiot.”

“I won't if you don't let me.”

“I won't.”

They sat in silence for a long time, in which they both yawned and were illuminated by the crackling fire. Finally, one of them, though James couldn't remember which of them it was the next morning, got up, prompting the other to do the same, and they went their separate ways.

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16. A Fight and a Realist

Chapter 16: A Fight and a Realist

A few days passed, and James was surprised to see that Lily managed to function as normal. It was as though the first day she had spent getting out as much of her sadness as possible; true, she still had a quiet in her voice and a gleam in her eyes that had not been there before, but she resumed classes as normal. The only other changes James noticed were that she barely ate anything at meals and that she steadfastly ignored Snape, though, curiously enough, Snape actually seemed to try to catch her eye quite often. James detected this with not a little annoyance, until finally, three days after Lily had gotten the letter, he cornered Snape after breakfast in an empty corridor.

“Leave her alone,” he barked, already keeping his hand near his wand just in case. He never knew what to expect from Snape.

“I have no idea what you're talking about, Potty.”

“Leave. Lily. Alone.”

“As far as I know, who I talk to is no concern of yours.”

“It is if it's Lily.”

“Aww,” Snape said, his thin lips curving into a mocking smile. “So Potty fancies a muggleborn. How quaint.”

`Damn right I do,' James thought to himself, but aloud he said,

“Shut up. You don't know anything.”

“I know I'll talk to Lily if I choose to.”

“You'll have to fucking get through me first.”

“There's no need, you crass imbecile. Lily and I are quite capable of deciding who we talk to without your interference.”

James gritted his teeth. He didn't like the way that Snape said `Lily and I', as though they were a couple. What right did he have to talk like that, after he'd proven himself to be such a first class bastard?

“You know what, don't even say her name,” he said. “She hates you anyway, so I'm just doing her a favor.”

Snape stiffened, then said coolly,

“You don't know what she thinks.”

“I know a hell of a lot more than you do, Snivellus. She said she hates you. Lily Evans said she hates you.”

Snape was quiet for a long time, then turned on his heel and began to walk away.

“Wait a second, Snivelly!” James said, chasing after him. “I'm not done talking to you. I actually have to ask you something.”

“Don't even bother, Potter. I'm sure it's something as idiotic as you are.”

“Oh, idiotic, am I?” James asked angrily. “I'm not the one who went and screwed everything up with the one person who actually gave a damn. That's what you did, you git.”

Snape sniffed.

“She's a mudblood, Potter. What she thinks, and whether she hates me or not, is no concern of mine. I thought that I would speak with her, but obviously your stupidity has been rubbing off on her.”

James stared at him for a second, then punched him in the stomach. As Snape groaned and fell to the floor, James said,

“That was the most pathetic insult I've ever heard.”

“Sectumsempra!” Snape wheezed.

A burning sensation slashed across James's cheek and through his chest, and could tell that he was bleeding.

“Shit,” James hissed, putting the sleeve of his robe to the cut on his face in an attempt to stop the bleeding. “Snape, you're an even bigger bastard than I thought.”

“I wouldn't talk, Potty.”

“What the hell could you have to say to her? Do you even--hell, do you have a heart?” It sounded weak, but James was beyond knowing what words to say. He couldn't even begin to think of a way to convey his disgust that someone could be so frustratingly unredeemable.

Snape got up, a hand balled at his stomach. Without a word, he hobbled away, and James pulled his hand from the cut on his face. It was bleeding heavily, and James began to feel a bit lightheaded.

“Shit shit shit,” he whispered. He knew that he should get to Madame Pomfrey at once, but how could he explain a cut that deep? There was no way in hell that he'd resort to snitching--that was something that Snape would do, not him. Hurriedly, he headed toward the hospital wing, ignoring how everything was beginning to spin around him. He realized that his clothes were beginning to stain with blood as well, and his eyes widened.

“Damn it!” he grunted. But all the curse words in the world didn't seem to relieve the pain that was growing by the minute, and before he knew it, everything went dark.

***

“James, you git, if you don't wake up I'm going to bloody kill you.” The voice that spoke, worried and cracking, was Sirius's. As soon as James's eyes began to open to the blurry world around him, Sirius wrapped him in a hug.

“Get off, you poof!” James said crossly. “And give me my fucking glasses.”

At once the glasses were put into his hand, and once he put them on he could see that he was laying in a bed in the hospital wing. Sirius looked anxious, and James could see that it was dark outside.

“What--how long have I been here?”

“Two days, you bastard,” Sirius said, bouncing from foot to foot. “We thought you were going to die, and--”

“Bet you would have liked that, wouldn't you?”

“Shut up, Potter. Pomfrey and Dumbledore didn't know what the hell was wrong with you…”

“It was Snape. He said something…I can't…I don't remember what it was…” James tried to remember, but details of what had happened were all blurred in his mind. He suddenly became aware of a dull, throbbing pain in his chest and face still.

“I was bleeding a lot. It hurt like hell, too.”

“It was scary,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “I thought…but damn, Snape did that?”

“Yeah.”

“Damn. Almost makes me wish Moony'd eaten him.”

“Sirius!”

“Well it's true. Even Evans isn't speaking to him.”

At the mention of Lily, James frowned.

“Is she alright?”

“What about her?”

“Well, I mean, her mum just died, right?”

“James, you bastard, how the hell can you think of that now? You almost died!”

“I've been hurt worse falling off a broomstick.”

“You're thick,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “And the answer to what you didn't ask is twice.”

“Twice?”

“She visited you twice.”

James felt his heart rise slightly. Twice in two days wasn't bad at all.

“And to answer your actual question,” Sirius continued, “I don't know.”

“How do you not know?”

“Not all of us are watching her all day, you idiot!” Sirius cried. “You're so bloody thick, I can't even say.”

“Shut up.”

“You shut up. I can't even…God, James, I thought you died!” Sirius looked like he would have liked to hug him again, but James knew it would be awkward. There was a long silence, until Sirius said,

“Will we be like this forever, then?”

“Like what?”

“Half-friends. Will I always have to feel like I'm in the wrong?”

“What are you talking about?” James asked, though an unpleasant sinking in his stomach told him that he did know and didn't want to discuss it. Sirius seemed to know this too, but he explained himself anyway.

“Ever since the whole thing with Moony--I don't even know if that's when it was, it might have been before that--we're only friends half the time. The rest of it we're either insulting each other or avoiding each other.”

“That's not true.” But James knew that it was.

Sirius sighed, his face dejected.

“Well, if you--never mind. Forget it.” He started to walk away, and though James called his name, he didn't turn around. James tried to get out of his bed, but at once he felt light-headed and fell to the floor. Sirius had already left, and there was nobody in any of the other beds.

“Damn,” he said. He put a hand on the edge of the bed and attempted to hoist himself up, but it didn't work. He tried a second time, and he fell to the ground. Exhausted by this small effort, he laid on the ground and panted heavily.

“James, what are you doing there?”

He turned towards the door and saw Lily standing there, wide-eyed.

“Did you fall?”

James grunted in reply. There was no way that he was going to tell Lily that he had fallen from his bed. She seemed to know this, too, because a thin smile crept onto her face and she started forward.

“Let me help you up.”

“No, thanks. I--I like it here. The floor's cooler.” In truth, the floor was rather cold, and he had to struggle not to shiver a little.

Lily's smile widened, until it finally blossomed into a real smile. James couldn't help smiling at the sight of it.

“Well, in that case, shall I take the bed?”

James looked up at the bed with some regret, but he shrugged nonchalantly. Shaking her head knowingly, Lily perched herself on the edge.

“How are you?” James asked her. Her smile faltered, but it was fleeting.

“Don't ask me that. You nearly died.” Her eyes grew as wide as they had been when she entered, as though she had momentarily forgotten, and she scanned him over quickly with her eyes. James looked at himself; he was dressed in clean clothes, so there was no sign of the blood that had covered his other ones. He noticed that her eyes lingered on his cheek, so he realized that he must still have a cut there. He wondered, faintly, how bad it would look.

“What happened?” Lily whispered, touching his face lightly. He winced; it stung.

“I'm sorry,” she said quickly.

“Don't be,” James said, just as quickly.

“Did somebody do that?” Lily asked, her face going pale. “Oh, we were all so scared…we thought you would die…”

“Yeah, that's what Sirius said too,” James said jokingly. Lily didn't smile.

“Oh goodness, James, what happened? Who did this to you?” Lily bit her lip, and he had to fight to think as he became singularly aware of his heart pounding in his chest, both at how pretty she looked and because he didn't know what to say.

“I--” He thought quickly. He remembered, as soon as Snape had said the curse, that he had told himself he would not tell who had done it. Now he knew that, not only could he not tell the teachers, but he could not tell Lily.

“I don't know,” he said. “I--I can't really remember what happened.” His heart pounded harder, and he had to fight not to run his hand through his hair nervously. Lily watched him doubtfully, and he thought, for a long moment, that she would voice her suspicion, but then she sighed and hung her head.

“I was so scared, James,” she said. “It was so terrible…”

“Well, I'm fine now,” James said, laughing uneasily. “So no worries, hm?”

Lily slid off the bed to sit next to him on the ground, then sat in silence, lost in thought.

“What day is it?” James asked finally. Lily jumped, startled out of a daydream, then said,

“It's the sixth. You were here almost two days…”

James thought for a moment, then said, slowly,

“And tomorrow's the seventh.”

“Yes.” They looked at each other, both thinking the same thing.

“My mum's funeral,” Lily said aloud.

“I'll go with you.”

Lily laughed hollowly.

“I don't think so. You can't even walk.”

“Yes I can. I'm relaxing!”

“On the floor.”

James couldn't help smiling, though he persisted.

“I'll be fine. Pomfrey can fix whatever problems I've got.”

“It's a miracle she stopped the bleeding, James.”

“Well, if one miracle can happen, two can.”

Lily ruffled his hair.

“You're so optimistic. When did this change happen, Mr. Potter?”

James remembered how she had called him Mr. Potter over the summer. It seemed like so long ago, though he knew it had only been a few months.

“Around the time you became a realist.”

“I never said I was a realist.”

“You're a hell of a lot more realistic than you were when I met you.”

“Don't be ridiculous. People can't change that much in a few months.”

James gave her a look, daring her to think about what she'd just said, and she covered her face, moaning in despair.

“I am changing, aren't I?”

“It's alright.”

“No, it isn't.” Lily put her hands down and looked at the floor.

“It's--it's just hard to remember what I'm supposed to be like now. I have to think about everything I do. I have to remind myself to smile and eat and all the things that are supposed to come normally. Do you know,” she continued, a thin smile returning once again to her face, “that this morning, I forgot to put socks on? I just…I don't know. I guess they didn't seem so important.”

“Your shoes are going to give you blisters.”

Lily turned to him.

“Who's the realist now?”

“Shut up.”

“Your overwhelming politeness staggers me.”

“As it does everyone.”

Lily let out a small laugh, then stood up.

“Let me help you up now.”

James was about to protest but, seeing that she would be the last one in the room willing to help him for a while, nodded dejectedly. She put her hands under his armpits and attempted, weakly, to help him up. She gave him a meaningful look.

“Having your help would make this much easier. Even a little bit.”

James pushed up with his legs and, after Lily almost dropped him twice, he managed to get on the bed safely.

“Thank you,” he sighed, taking delight in the soft warmth his bed offered.

“You're welcome.”

“I'm going to that funeral with you.”

“No, you're not.” Lily's face took on a hard look. “I wouldn't want you to go even if you were in perfect health.”

“Why?”

“Because I'll have to concentrate on reassuring you that I'm alright instead of concentrating on not being alright.”

“Wait--what?”

“I have to be sad, James. It's the natural thing to do.”

“I never said you couldn't be sad!”

“But it bothers you so much when I am.” Lily raised her eyebrows, daring him to challenge her, and he sighed as he realized she was right.

“Maybe you haven't changed as much as I thought. Do you have to be sensible?”

“Yes.”

“You know, you can be sad in front of me. I don't--I mean--am I making it worse?”

“No.” Lily's lips began to turn downwards at the corners, and she quickly covered her eyes with her hands.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” she said. “Ignore me. I--” She started to cry, and James found that he couldn't ignore her. Reaching a hand out as far as he could and cursing the fact that he couldn't get any closer, he touched her elbow lightly. She cried for a moment longer, and then it subsided, leaving her looking tired and worn.

“It's late,” she said. “It's easier t-to get sad at n-night.” She hiccupped, then patted his arm.

“Th-thank you, again,” she said. “I'll see you in a few days.” Quickly, after giving the cut on his face another long look, she departed, leaving him alone. James looked after her, then up at the ceiling.

Maybe Sirius wasn't so wrong to wish that Moony had eaten Snape, because James thought he might just be on the verge of killing him himself.

Author's Note: Happy (belated) New Year! I just wanted to let everyone know that with a new year comes new obligations, which is why, from now on, the updates might come a bit slower, and I won't be able to respond to every review as I did before. That is not to say every review is not read and appreciated; on the contrary, I love you guys. ;) Thank you to all of you who did review!!!

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17. A Scar and a Brother

Chapter 17: A Scar and a Brother

“Oh, shit,” was the first thing James said when he saw his face in the mirror.

It was the next afternoon, and he was in his dormitory. Madame Pomfrey had grudgingly let him leave the Hospital Wing to attend classes, but not before telling him that she was seriously considering locking the door the next time she saw him coming. “I think you get yourself hurt on purpose,” she'd said suspiciously. “A boy of your age, especially a Head Boy, shouldn't be getting hurt so often. It's not normal.”

He'd laughed when she said that, but now, staring at his reflection in his dormitory, he was far from laughing, so dismayed was he with his appearance. All signs of blood had cleared from the gash on his face, but nevertheless, there was a long scar running down his right cheek, white and raised. There was no hope of going back to Madame Pomfrey and asking her to fix it; he knew she wouldn't have let him leave if she hadn't patched him up to the best of her ability. Now he understood why everyone in his classes had been whispering and looking over at him; he looked frightening.

James remembered that he had been scratched on the chest, and he unbuttoned his shirt to get a good look at it in the mirror. He sighed in disappointment; there was, indeed, a scar that looked just as bad, if not worse, than the one on his face.

Just then, the door to the dormitory opened.

“Oh, hello James--oh, I'm so sorry.” It was Marlene, and she turned beet red when she realized his shirt was unbuttoned. “I didn't mean to--God, I'm terribly sorry, I'll just--”

“Sorry!” James said, turning red himself and hastily buttoning his shirt. “I--sorry, what did you want?”

“Nothing!” she said, keeping her eyes trained on the ground. “Sorry, this is just--I'm sorry!”

“You know, it's luck Hestia's not here,” James said, desperately trying to think of a way to make the situation less awkward. “She'd kill us for saying sorry so much.”

Marlene laughed, and carefully raised her eyes. She let out a sigh of relief when she saw he was decent.

“That's true,” she said, “Hestia would…” She trailed off, not saying exactly what Hestia would do. James stared at his shoes, then asked, after clearing his throat,

“Really, did you want something?”

Marlene, whose face had started to resemble its normal color, turned dark red once more.

“Oh, no--I mean, I did, but it's not--don't worry about it. I'll--never mind.” She turned hastily, and was about to exit through the door when she turned back around again, a look of resolve on her face.

“I'm really sorry--well, no, I'm not--ignore that, but I just feel badly about what happened to your face.” She gestured to her own right cheek.

“And--well, I feel bad for Lily too. I know a little bit, I mean she's in my dormitory, and I wish that there was something I could do.” She gave him a questioning look. For a long moment, James stared, until he realized that she wanted him to tell her what she should do. The very thought made his hands tingle. How should he know?

“Well,” James said, running a hand through his hair. “I suppose you could figure out something to do…after all, you are in the same dormitory, as you said…”

Marlene bit her lip and nodded.

“Right. Well, I just thought that you could--but of course, you're not…” She trailed off, and then laughed, hard and loud.

“I need to go,” she choked out. “I'm being ridiculous.” She clutched her side and walked out.

James stared quizzically after her. He'd thought that it was just Lily, but perhaps all girls were strange. He made a move to rub his eyes, but his hand brushed his cheek, making him cry out.

“Bugger,” he hissed. He shook his head, then went down to have dinner and ignore people staring at his scar.

***

A tap on his shoulder made James jump. He was halfway through shoving his steak and kidney pie into his mouth; he hadn't realized just how hungry he was until then, and was a little annoyed at the interruption, especially because he saw that the one who was bothering him was Dorcas Meadowes. When she saw she'd gotten his attention, she flipped her long brown hair over her shoulder haughtily.

“Where's the Head Girl?”

Sirius looked up at hearing her voice and began, as discreetly as possible, to inch away. Dorcas noticed, however, and gave him a look of the utmost disgust. James, meanwhile, was quick to take on her offensive tone.

“What d'you want?”

“It's none of your concern, I'll have you know.” She eyed his scar distastefully, as though it made him even more repulsive.

“That's fine. I just won't tell you where she is.”

Dorcas sighed impatiently.

“It's prefect duties, Potter. That's it. Nothing you'd be concerned with.”

James found himself slightly hurt by that remark, but made sure not to let it show.

“As far as I can see, I'm Head Boy. You can tell me whatever you want to tell Lily.”

Dorcas looked mildly alarmed.

“I'd rather not, if it's all the same.” Dorcas turned around and hurried away before James could say another word, and he leaned back in his chair, baffled. Was he that bad of a Head Boy? He turned to Remus, who was sitting to his left.

“I wonder why she wouldn't tell me?”

Remus looked up from his food and stared at James's face, as though making sure he was being serious. When he saw that he was, he rolled his eyes, shook his head, and went back to eating. James took it that this wasn't a good sign.

“I mean,” James continued, louder, “it's not as though I'm that bad, right Peter?”

Peter looked alarmed at having been called upon to answer that particular question.

“Er--” he said hesitantly. “That's not to say that you're--well, I wouldn't know, would I?” He quickly shoveled food into his mouth to prevent himself from saying any more.

“Well, shit,” James said, getting irritated. “Sirius, talk to me!”

“Don't listen to Dorcas, mate,” Sirius said, his mouth full. “Little bitch thinks she dumped me. As though she would have been able to.” He chuckled uneasily, getting little flecks of food on all of them.

James wasn't comforted, seeing the way that Remus and Peter still wouldn't meet his eyes.

“Well, piss it, I'm not as good at helping little twits as Remus or Lily, and I know that occasionally I don't pay attention in meetings--”

Remus coughed, and it sounded suspiciously like a `never'.

“--but I didn't think I was as bad as all that,” he finished, shooting Remus a glare.

“Look, Jimmy,” Sirius said, having just finished eating his food and moving on to James's, “It's not that you're bad. Hell, you go to meetings, which is more than I'd do. But you're not a bleeding prat like the rest of them are.”

James crossed his arms resentfully.

“Well, shit,” he said again. “It seems to bother the rest of you lot. Maybe I should become a bleeding prat.”

“You're well on your way,” Sirius said, putting his fork down while still eyeing some treacle tart. “Keep acting as you have, you'll be a right little Amos Diggory in no time.” Amos Diggory had been Head Boy three years before, and had managed to take almost all of Gryffindor's house points away in the first two months.

“Thanks, Sirius,” James said. He knew it was ridiculous that this bothered him so much, especially since he had been the one who had been so vehemently against getting the position, but he couldn't help feeling that, given the responsibility, he should have somehow acquired the skills necessary to be a good one. After all, he'd never heard of a Head Boy who wasn't well suited for the position.

“Lupin, what the hell am I supposed to do?”

Remus sighed, evidently thinking the whole thing unworthy of getting so upset over.

“If it bothers you so badly, pay attention at prefect meetings. Make suggestions. Help Lily when she's being attacked by first years.”

“Suggestions for what? First years attacked Lily?” This was news to him. He began scanning the first years with his eyes, noting in his head to corner the shifty-looking ones later.

Remus folded his arms and put his head down, signaling an end to his participation in the conversation.

“How 'bout you, Pete?”

Peter gave him a long, incredulous look.

“James,” he said gravely, “what the hell do I know?”

It seemed pathetic to James that he knew just about as much as Peter did.

***

Thoughts of his complete failure as an authority figure plagued him endlessly for the next few hours, until, sitting in the common room, he finally decided to do something about it.

“Remus,” he said determinedly. “If I were to go about calling an emergency prefect meeting, how would I do it?”

Remus thought for a moment, then said,

“We don't really have a way to go about it. We used to have parchment that would get writing on it when the Heads were calling a meeting, but too many people lost them or didn't check them.”

“Right. Er-- but I need to. So. Help, please.”

Remus checked his watch.

“James, it's eight-thirty. You can't call a meeting now.”

James felt stupid, but decided to persist in a decidedly Sirius-like fashion.

“We've got to do it tonight. Tomorrow Lily's coming back.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Nobody'll take me seriously if she's there!”

“James, be reasonable. It won't make a difference in one day.”

“It might!” The look on Remus's face was infuriating, as it said that he clearly thought he was acting like an idiot.

“You wouldn't possibly care to explain your sudden interest in being a good Head Boy?”

“Well, I didn't realize I was a bad one for one thing,” James said uncomfortably. “And for another…”

“It's Lily, isn't it?”

“No!” The suggestion made James even madder. The assumption that Lily was responsible for every little change in him was really beginning to bother him, especially since this was one that she actually wasn't responsible for. Remus must have seen this, too, because for the first time a smile swept over his face.

“Well, in that case, good on you,” he said. “And that'll make her proud, I'm sure.” The tone of Remus's voice suggested that he knew James's exact feelings for her, and, before he could ask, Remus continued,

“I knew before Sirius told us.”

“Does everyone?” James asked, running a hand through his hair. Remus smiled mysteriously and didn't say another word. James looked away and saw Sirius, not acting at all his normal self. Instead of sitting in the center of a large group of people, as he was prone to doing when he wasn't with the Marauders, he was sitting distanced from, nearer to the fire than the corner where most others sat. James decided to see what it was, having a feeling that he already knew.

His suspicions were confirmed when Sirius shoved a letter in his face.

“I should have burned it as soon as I got it.”

James looked down and saw the overly exaggerated calligraphy that he recognized as Mrs. Black's handwriting.

“What did she want?”

Sirius blew his hair out of his eyes before he responded.

“Apparently, she's decided to go to your mum's Christmas ball and she wants to make sure I don't talk to her. As though I would.”

“She wrote just to say that?” He would have expected more to prompt Mrs. Black to pick up her quill and write to Sirius.

“No. Guess Regulus is a Death Eater now, the prat.”

James took a step back, aghast.

“You mean he's actually--”

“Yeah. And they're proud of him.”

The world around James suddenly seemed dizzy. The revelation of knowing that Voldemort was recruiting fifteen year olds, and knowing that that fifteen year old was Sirius's brother, made him sick.

“I didn't think Regulus would have the spine,” Sirius continued darkly. “Apparently, even cowards are going to You-Know-Who's side.”

“Who decided that we'd call You-Know-Who You-Know-Who?” James asked, a frown crinkling his brow. Sirius turned to look at him, looking slightly disgusted.

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Look, I'm not being stupid, alright?” James said impatiently. “I just wondered when everyone decided that they'd--we'd--be stupid enough to be afraid of his name.”

“When he decided to choose Regulus for one of his servants, apparently,” Sirius said. “Why, you planning on going up to him and addressing him by his proper name anytime soon?”

“Shut it.”

Sirius shook his head and threw the letter into the fireplace. The flames leapt up and danced brightly, but to James, a subtle darkness seemed to settle. It made him feel tired, and not just physically. Mentally, he was drained from all the effort it took to try and continue to act normal though his friendship with Sirius seemed to grow more and more volatile. Watching Sirius struggle not to look like none of what his mother had written had bothered him in the least, James found himself longing for their old sense of companionship, because he understood it so much that it was like watching himself. As he acknowledged this, he knew that he would have to be the one to bridge the gap between them.

“Look,” James sighed finally. “Before, when you were talking about--when you were talking about us being half-friends, I understood what you meant. And I'm tired of it, okay?”

“Well, I already said that,” Sirius said darkly.

“Shut up. If you would just stop treating me like a dolt--”

“If you would stop acting like I'm always in the wrong--”

James made a loud noise in his throat, causing them both to fall silent, staring at one another. He took deep breaths, then said, as nicely as he could manage,

“We're the same, remember? We've got miserable families and pure blood up to our ears--”

“I'll say,” Sirius muttered.

“--and that's why we became friends in the first place. And…well…” James trailed off; he knew what he wanted to say, but he couldn't bring himself; it sounded too stupid, too sappy.

“Just say it. I'll think you're a dolt either way.” In spite of what he said, Sirius began to grin. James looked away, and, after clearing his throat, he said,

“You're like my brother. And not in a dumb way, not like…drug brothers, or whatever the hell you want to call it, like real ones.”

“No revelation there. We've always said that,” Sirius said, though James thought that his voice sounded slightly odd, like he was trying not to let any emotion betray what it meant to him. They were silent for a long time, until Sirius said,

“So, you're really going to try to be a good Head Boy?”

James had to think for a second before he remembered what he meant. For some reason, the whole Head Boy situation seemed something that happened long ago.

“Yeah, I suppose I am.”

“And there's no way I can convince you to change your mind?”

“Probably not.”

“Not even if I exercise my authority as your brother?”

“Especially if you do. Nobody listens to their brother. That's probably why you're mine.”

“Shit. I knew there was a reason you were being so nice about it.”

James laughed, feeling his exhaustion evaporate. For the first time since the Moony incident, he was feeling at ease talking to Sirius. In a way it surprised him how quickly their friendship seemed to have healed itself, but then, he thought, it had probably been mending all along; it just took one them realizing that they had been too stupid to admit it, which, James could tell, Sirius had done as well as he had. They resumed a conversation like one they would have had a few months earlier, and a few minutes later, Sirius happened to ask,

“So, you prat, does Evans know the fifteenth's your birthday?”

“And when the hell would I get a chance to tell her that?”

“Sometime just after you wipe her nose and just before you tell her you want to snog her senseless.”

“I bet that's what you'd do, too, all the tact you've got. No wonder Dorcas dumped you.”

Sirius stiffened.

“She did not dump me. I have never been dumped.” James raised his eyebrows at how sensitively Sirius took this remark, which could mean only one thing; she had. After a good minute, he sighed, and as he did the truth came out.

“I was going to dump her! I was just being nice and thought she'd take a hint!”

“You were still snogging her, weren't you?”

Sirius crossed his arms sullenly.

“Only once or twice.”

Something in his voice said that there was something he wasn't saying, and though James suspected what it was, he didn't want to ask about it. But now was a truth telling of sorts, so James asked, slowly,

“You shagged her, didn't you?”

“No!” But his face turned red, and James could see right through him. James groaned and put his head in his hands.

“Only once!”

“You were trying to get away from her in Diagon Alley! What the hell makes someone--why would you--”

“I didn't make her! She practically forced me to, she was--”

“I don't want to hear about it!” James shouted quickly, bringing his hands to his ears, “Keep it to yourself!”

“I wasn't going to say any more,” Sirius said haughtily. “But she dumped me two days later! What girl does that?”

“It sounds like something you would do.”

“It sounds like something a womanizer would do.”

“Same thing.”

“Shut up.”

“But I guess in this case, she could be called a manizer, couldn't she?”

“Are you trying to be funny?” It was obvious that Sirius had had enough of this subject, but James, hearing that Dorcas had been the instigator of everything Sirius was usually responsible for, found it highly amusing.

“I just never thought I'd see the day when you were dumped.”

“I dumped her. That's the story, understand?”

“Whatever. I understand this must be a sensitive time for you.”

“That's it, I disown you. We are no longer brothers.”

James laughed, and the room seemed to be filled with more light and color than he remembered it having a few moments before.

-->

18. A Sister and a Coward

Chapter 18: A Sister and a Coward

When James shuffled out of his dormitory, yawning, he almost stumbled over Lily, who was sitting with her legs tucked under her and was reading a book.

“Lily? What're you doing here?” he cried, bewildered. He glanced behind him and saw that Sirius was still in the process of getting dressed. Quickly, he slammed the door shut.

“Oh, hello,” Lily said, smiling faintly and pulling herself up. “I was, you know, I was going to go in and fetch you, but that's rude. So then I went downstairs, but everyone was downstairs, so I just--”

“It's okay,” James said, seeing she was getting flustered. “How was it?”

“Fine.”

“You're lying.” He could tell from the way her shoulders and her expression sagged.

“It won't bother you?”

“So it's bad.”

“No! It's--”

“Liar. What happened to all that shit you told me about expressing myself? Hypocrite.”

“Stuff,” she corrected him gently.

“What?”

“That stuff I told you.” James realized, after a moment of staring blankly at her, that she was reproaching him for swearing. He grinned.

“Excuse me, I'm expressing myself.”

Lily laughed, then rubbed her eyes.

“I missed you.”

James's stomach lurched, but he pressed,

“What happened?”

“I--”

The door to the dormitory opened.

“James, what--oh, it's Evans.” Sirius raised an eyebrow and looked at the two of them amusedly.

Lily nodded.

“Sirius.”

Sirius nodded, as though they had reached a temporary understanding.

“So it's Lily, then.”

“And I'm Peter and he's Remus,” Peter said from inside the room, clearly exasperated. “We all know each other, let's eat!”

“Shut up, ratface,” Sirius said loudly, pushing past James and Lily and going down the stairs. Peter followed, and Remus came last, giving them both curious glances. After they'd disappeared, James gestured toward the room.

“Want to sit down?”

“Sure,” Lily said, a small smile on her face. No dimple in her cheek, James noticed with some disappointment. As soon as he'd closed the door to the dormitory, Lily flopped onto his bed.

“I'd rather just sleep,” Lily said, pulling the pillow under her head. “I don't want to go to class, I don't think.”

“What happened?”

Lily opened her mouth, then shut it.

“Come here,” she said, patting the bed next to her. “I can't talk when you're all the way over there.”

James complied, and Lily moved so that her head was near his legs. He noticed that, if she had moved a few feet further, her head would have been in his lap. She stayed silent for so long that he thought she'd fallen asleep.

“Lily?”

“Hm?”

“What happened?” His voice came out gentle, coaxing. Lily sat up, crossed her legs, and pulled his pillow into her lap.

“Well, I went,” she said, slowly. “And it was nighttime and I--do you want to hear all of this?”

“Everything.”

“Right. Everything.” Lily nodded, as though mentally noting it, then continued,

“It was nighttime, and I flooed over to my house. And nobody was awake, and I thought it was sort of funny, because usually mum--” She took a deep, rattling breath and continued. “Mum and Dad have tea late at night and read, they l-love reading…well, she loved, he loves, if you know what I--”

“I know.”

“Alright. So everyone was asleep, and I went upstairs to my room and went to bed. Nothing-- nothing worth talking about, really.” She gave out a forced laugh. “But the next morning, I woke up in my bed and I thought that it was s-summer time again, and I thought sh-she was downstairs, making breakfast, because I smelled it. And I was so happy, I has halfway down the stairs before I knew that--that she wasn't.”

Lily had begun to cry, but she shook her head when James put an arm around her.

“No, I'm alright just let me… So I went downstairs and Petty was there and so was Daddy. Petty was making breakfast, but Daddy was sitting there, and he…James it was so horrible, he looked so sad.” Lily's sobs became harder, and, forgetting her protests only a second before, put her head into his chest. He could feel her taking deep breaths, then she pulled away, swiping at her eyes furiously.

“James, don't let me cry like that anymore,” she said firmly.

“Lily, you can if you--”

“No!” Lily said loudly. Taking a few breaths she said, more calmly,

“I'm going to finish telling you what happened, and all the crying makes me feel like vomiting.”

James couldn't stand seeing how pathetic she looked as she struggled to regain her composure, but he nodded.

“And so Daddy was sad, and I-- I won't talk about him any more. And Petty turned around from the stove, and she just looked so…emotionless. Not like she was sad, just that she didn't understand why I was standing there crying. And then she just said--God, I was stupid not to know she would--she told me that I wasn't to come to Mummy's funeral.”

James frowned.

“What? Why?”

Lily smiled ruefully and began playing with her shoes.

“Petty doesn't…like me much.”

“She doesn't?” James was honestly surprised. Every time that Lily had ever mentioned Petunia, she always did so fondly, as though she was the best sister a person could ask for.

“No, not really.”

“Why?”

“This will--this will sound really horrid,” Lily said, abandoning her shoe and beginning to play with her hair. “But Petunia always believed in magic, ever since we were really, really small. And I didn't, I always wanted to be a pirate.” She smiled at that, and James did too. “But Mummy and Daddy always told her it was ridiculous, and she was always so sad because she loved magic so much. She always told me she believed in it.”

“And then you got your Hogwarts letter,” James said, comprehension dawning on him.

“Right. And Mummy and Daddy were so happy about it, even though they'd told her magic was ridiculous. She was happy for me at first, she said that hers must have been forgotten, but it wasn't. I was the only one to get one.”

“And she's still mad at you for it.”

“Sort of. That and because her school was rather miserable, and I'm always writing about how happy I am here…”

James pulled the strand of hair that Lily had been twisting to keep her from knotting it.

“So she's mad at you, still.”

“Yes.”

“Bitch. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.”

“Stop it,” Lily said. “She should have gotten a Hogwarts letter, not me.”

“No.”

Lily didn't respond.

“But she still sends you letters telling you about what happened on Coronation Street!” James said. He knew, without having met her, that he didn't like Petunia, but he was desperately trying to make Lily feel better.

“Mum made her write them.”

“Oh.” The defeat in both of them seemed palpable to James. They sat in silence, until he rubbed her shoulder comfortingly.

“D'you want to finish telling me about the funeral?”

“I didn't go.”

James tightened his grip on her shoulder.

“What'd you do?”

“I left the house with all my things, and I took my bike and I just began to pedal forever…” Her eyes clouded over, and unconsciously she tilted her head toward James's shoulder. “It seemed like days and days, and I found myself…well, I ended up at your house, somehow.”

“My house?”

“Yes. I didn't go in. I just sat on the porch like we did that one day. And I thought for a really long time.” She stopped talking, and James realized that was all she had to say.

“Just…thought?”

“Yes.”

“About what?”

“Lots of things.” Lily got up and moved toward the door. “Things I would like to say to people, and all that.”

“Oh. I understand.”

“No you don't,” Lily said, laughing softly. She went ahead of him, and he thought that he might have heard her say, “If only you knew what I'd say to you.”

He wasn't quite sure what to make of that.

***

“Today we will be discussing N.E.W.T.s.” Professor McGonagall declared after entering the classroom.

James groaned, putting his head down on his folded arms. He was not the only one. At least half a dozen groans rang out in unison with his own.

“That's quite enough. These are some of the most important tests you shall ever take, and let me assure you that I refuse to let it be said that anyone in my Advanced Transfiguration class got anything less than an `Exceeds Expectations'.”

James rubbed his eyes. It was not that he was worried--he'd passed all his O.W.L.s, receiving an O in Transfiguration. He simply did not want to acknowledge that the N.E.W.T.s even existed, let alone that he himself would be taking them at the end of the year. The rest of the class was spent drifting between listening and not listening as McGonagall delved deeper into what effect these tests would have on their futures.

“She's got me scared shitless, and I'm only half joking,” Sirius muttered in his ear near the end of class. James had to change his laugh into a hacking cough.

When they left on the way to lunch, James noticed that Lily was walking not far away. He purposefully began to walk in step with her.

“How are you?” he asked. She gave him a small smile.

“Fine. How are you?”

“Excited about those N.E.W.T.s!” James said jokingly. Lily laughed half-heartedly.

“I actually sort of am. They'll tell us so much…everything we need to know about what we can do when we've graduated.”

“Oh, yeah, that's--”

“Lily?”

James and Lily both stopped walking and stared at Snape. Lily moved a little closer to James, and he could feel her shaking slightly.

“What d'you want, Snape?” James asked, furious.

“Shut it, Potter,” Snape said, his eyes dwindling on his scar. James glanced at Lily, who was watching Snape's reaction with narrowed eyes.

“Leave me alone, Severus,” she said, her voice colder than James had ever heard.

“I need to--”

“No.” James had said this.

“Potter, do you need another warning?”

“Shut up!” Lily said. “Goodness, who do you think you are? I don't want to talk to you!”

“Please.”

Lily looked at Snape, whose expression looked utterly imploring and desperate, then sighed.

“Fine.”

“I'll go too,” James said stiffly. Snape opened his mouth, but it was Lily who put a hand on his arm and said something.

“It's fine,” she murmured. “He was my best friend once.” She glanced at Snape, and it was obvious that he'd heard her. Lily began to walk away with Snape, and James looked down at the ground, clenching and unclenching his fists.

“Well, damn,” he said to himself, a moment later. “I'm going anyway.”

He walked into the direction that they'd gone and soon heard their voices coming from an empty classroom, neither of them bothering to be quiet. James stood against the wall and listened.

“--that you're different,” Snape was just saying.

“My mum died, Severus.” An uncomfortable pause.

“I was busy that night. I didn't realize what I was saying.”

“You were distracted.”

“I'm sorry about what I said.”

“It's not just what you said!” Lily said angrily. “It's that you're changing too! You're--you're--” Her voice lowered. “I've heard what people are saying. Please don't tell me that you're one of…one of…”

“I'm not!”

“I don't believe you.”

“Evans, don't even--”

“I know what you did to James. That's dark magic, Severus.”

“That bastard!”

“He didn't say a word.”

“Then how did you know that I--” There was a pause, as though something was being understood nonverbally.

“You didn't,” Snape finished softly.

“You are one of them.”

He said nothing. James had to grip the stone wall to keep himself from going into the room and killing Snape right there. He knew what Lily was talking about; Death Eaters. He'd always expected it of Snape, especially after hearing that Sirius's younger brother was one, but to know that he was in the room with Lily, seemingly alone, made him sick.

“How can you expect me to talk to you?” she whispered, so softly that James had to strain his ears to hear. “They kill people like me.”

“I wouldn't let them.”

Lily made a sound of frustration.

“It's not just me, it's anyone! Innocent people!”

“Most of them deserve it.”

“No more than I do!”

Another uncomfortable pause.

“Did they kill my mum?”

“You can't be serious.”

“Did they?” Silence.

“Severus, did they? You have to tell me if they—”

“NO! They fucking did not!”

“Then what were you doing that night? Why didn't you care?”

“I couldn't care! I'd just--”

“Just what?”

“Just—j-just killed some Muggles,” Snape said, his voice cracking. James's nails were digging into the palms of his hands so hard that he thought they might bleed. When Lily began to talk, James could hear her voice shaking.

“How many?”

Snape sighed.

“Five.”

“What sort?”

“A man, a woman, three…three children.”

“How old?” her voice was trembling more.

“Do we have--”

“TELL ME!”

“The adults were in their forties. The children were…about five. They were triplets.”

“Oh, God,” Lily moaned. James could hear a banging sound, and he could imagine Lily falling into a desk. “How could you?”

“I had to. He instructed us to.”

“You had a choice. There's always a choice.”

“No.”

“YES!”

“Lily, I wanted to talk to you about--”

“I never want to see you again. I thought so much of you…I thought you were brilliant! But you're a coward!”

“Lily, please--”

“Don't talk to me.”

“But--”

James could hear Lily abruptly getting up from her desk, then came face to face with her. She was shaking horribly, and he put an arm around her.

“Did you hear him?” she asked as they quickly walked away.

“Yeah. I'll murder him.”

“Don't,” Lily stopped, and made him stop too. “I know you're not serious, but--”

“I'm dead serious.”

“Don't you dare. You're a brave Gryffindor. You're not like him.”

“I told you that before.”

“When?”

“When we cooked at your house, remember?”

Lily's face formed a shadow of a smile, and they started to walk again. James found himself wishing he could put his arm around her again, but couldn't bring himself to do it.

“He makes me sick,” she whispered.

“Don't—don't let him bother you. He's an arse.” James said this as he himself had a wrenching illness in his stomach that made him want to vomit. To have encountered someone who had the capability of such murder in cold blood was almost unfathomable. He could only imagine how it felt to Lily. He didn't think his words could be any help or comfort to her, so he was surprised when she spoke again, all bitterness gone from her voice.

“Mum liked you.” she said softly.

“I liked her.”

“We should do it again,” Lily said. “Cooking, I mean. I think--it'd be good.”

“When?”

“When's your birthday?”

“The fifteenth.”

“Of what?”

“This month.” Beside him, Lily literally jumped.

“What? Why didn't you tell me?”

“When would I have?” James found himself remembering what Sirius had said-- between wiping her nose and snogging her. The idiot.

“True,” Lily's eyes were wide. “I'm so sorry. I feel so bad, I've been so miserable that I've been neglecting your birthday!”

“It's alright, you don't--”

“On your birthday, meet me in the kitchens.”

James would have argued, but her eyes were lit up and a smile was on her face. He wouldn't do anything to take them away, not now.

“Alright.”

Author's Note: Sorry it took so long. Thank you all so much for your patience ;)

-->

19. A Dinner and a Confession

Chapter 19: A Dinner and a Confession

Meet me at eight tonight. Whatever you do, don't eat dinner!

-Lily

It was James's birthday and he was skiving again (much to Sirius's disgust-- “I am not doing your homework for you, and neither is Moony,” he'd said indignantly), so when he received the owl in his dormitory he'd been alone. He watched the barn owl fly away, and then he continued to stare at the scenery outside the window. The sun was bright and reflecting off of the layer of snow that already accumulated on the ground. He liked the snow, and the fact that it was there, along with a clear sky, seemed almost as though the world was celebrating his birthday with him.

He looked away from the window and down at the paper again. He'd only received one other note from Lily, the one telling him to meet her in the astronomy tower that she'd given to him on the first day of school. Back then, he had simply crumpled the letter up. Now he studied this letter, trying to memorize Lily's handwriting. It was messy, made worse by the fact that she was obviously in a hurry when she wrote it. He considered keeping it, but then shook his head. He knew he fancied her, but keeping her letters? James knew that that was pathetic, and he quickly threw it on The Floor.

Once things landed on The Floor--which others might have simply called the floor, but not the Marauders, who knew better--generally they didn't come back again. He watched with mild regret as he watched the note fall, knowing that it would end up coming to the same demise as countless numbers of Remus's sweaters, Sirius's dungbombs, and Peter's homework. At least, that was where Peter claimed his homework went. The rest of them never bothered to tell him that they knew better.

He turned back to what he was doing--studying Remus's notes of all the prefect meetings. After getting over the initial shock that somebody actually took notes, he'd insisted upon looking at them. He was glad for the welcome distraction of Lily's owl, though, because he'd been reading the same line for the tenth time and was just moments away from falling asleep. After realizing that the effort would be no more successful now than it had been two minutes before, he threw the notes down, though he was careful to make sure they did not fall to The Floor. He got up and started pacing the room, running a hand through his hair.

That morning, Sirius had begun eagerly rattling off all the things they'd do for James's party--much to Peter's dismay, as he watched how much more excited Sirius got over this birthday than he had over Peter's. James had grinned and nodded, but he knew, deep down, that he didn't want a party. He'd decided several years ago that birthdays weren't very important, at least not his own. It had been Sirius and Sirius alone who'd kept that particular tradition alive, and he found, for the first time, that he rather dreaded going to his own birthday party. The idea of getting drunk and having to make a thousand excuses for the steam pouring out of his ears just made his stomach turn.

He'd much rather just make a quiet dinner with Lily and skip the party altogether.

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, he knew it wasn't even worth thinking about. He couldn't do that. He and Sirius had just made up, and he didn't need anyone tell him that that would make him look like a first class bastard. It wouldn't just make him look like one--it would simply make him one.

“I am not a first class bastard,” he said aloud. He pulled his hand away from his hair, and began gripping around for something in his pocket. He didn't know what it was until he pulled a cigarette from his pocket. He held it idly in his fingers. It had been almost three days since his last one, and as soon as he saw it, he was overwhelmed with the need to have it. A tiny voice in his head told him that he didn't want to, that he would have to explain to Lily about it, but he found that it got smaller and smaller as he stared at it. He jammed it back into his pocket, hoping that by putting it away he'd stop wanting it, but it was too late. He could practically feel it burning a hole in his pocket. The next thing he knew, it was lit and in his mouth, and he breathed deeply as a calm relief washed over him. Without even thinking about it, he smoked a second one, and it wasn't until his third one that he realized what he was doing.

“Shit!” he said. He opened the window, threw the half smoked cigarette out, then stuck his own head through the window. He was overcome with guilt, thinking of how Lily would react if she knew. He didn't know if she'd remember to ask, because she hadn't been lately, but he couldn't get rid of the paranoid little feeling that she knew whenever he did smoke. He shook his head and concentrated only on what was happening here and now, knowing that he'd have time for guilt later when he ran out on his own party to make dinner with Lily. The cool air whipping around his head was a welcome relief from the sun-warmed dormitory, and he let out a small sigh. Guilt or not, it was a beautiful day.

***

At eight o'clock, James managed to slip away from his own birthday party after telling Sirius that he was out for a bit of air. Sirius, who was on his third firewhisky, smiled and winked jovially. When he got to the kitchen, Lily was already there, all of the ingredients set out on one of the long tables that stood there and several of the brass pots and pans that were usually heaped around the stone walls placed neatly before her.

“You're here!” she said. “Good! The house-elves are making the cake, because I know that Sirius wants you back at your party soon, and we're going to make vegetable soup.” Seeing how he looked around for the hundred or so elves that were usually there at his beck and call when he visited the kitchen, Lily said,

“I told them they didn't have to help. I didn't want you to cheat and get them to do it for you.”

“Will I even like this?” he asked, knowing that he would.

“What sort of question is that?”

James smiled and shook his head, then helped Lily prepare the many ingredients she poured into a giant brass pot. She made sure to delegate the job of onion slicing to herself.

“I'm capable of doing that, you know,” James said resentfully.

“I know. But it's a birthday treat for you.”

A silence settled over them, and James found himself remembering when they had done this at Lily's house, when her mother had been there. What if this was a mistake to be doing this so soon? He glanced over at Lily, but while she looked sad and happened to be chopping onions, she wasn't crying. James decided that if she could cut onions and not cry, that couldn't mean anything bad. He broke the silence by saying,

“Did you get me a present?”

Lily gave him a smile.

“You'll see after dinner.”

He liked how that sounded like something his mother would say to his father. It reminded him of when he was small, before he resented his mother.

The soup was finished in half an hour, and though James had been enticed by the rich smell, he still found himself amazed when he took the first sip. He burnt his tongue on the hot soup, but he barely noticed, saying proudly,

“This is really good!”

“Mmhmm.”

“I mean it really is. It's like a house-elf would make!”

“…I'll assume that that's a compliment.”

“It is. Damn, this is good!” Lily smiled, though she barely took any herself. When James gave her a questioning glance, she said, simply, “I'm not very hungry.”

After dinner was finished, five small house-elves brought in a giant platter with an enormous chocolate cake on it. As they set it down on the table, James could see that there were eighteen red and gold candles on it.

“Happy birthday, Mr. Potter!” they all exclaimed in various tones of squeakiness. After Lily quietly thanked them, she lit the candles with a wave of her wand, then warbled a rather off-key version of `Happy Birthday'. When she finished with a rather drawn out `happy birthday to youuuu.', James said, grinning,

“That was terrible, you know.”

Lily glared.

“Thank you very much, Mr. Potter. Your criticism only reaffirms your own lack of confidence in yourself.”

“No, you're really terrible.”

Lily picked up a giant knife and cut into the cake with an unnecessary amount of force, which made James shut his mouth quickly. Once she'd cut his slice, she said,

“Now you get three wishes.”

“Three wishes? That's fu-- messed up. You only get one for birthdays.”

“From your cake, yes. But your three wishes are things I can give you. You know, like a gift? I didn't have much time to get you something, and while I will buy you something later, this is something I can do for you today.”

“Oh, so I can't wish for a harem of veelas?”

“What?” Lily had been idly spreading the frosting on the cake to make it smoother, but when she heard this, she looked up slowly, eyes wide.

“Er--never mind. Stupid thing that--”

“Did you say a harem of veelas?”

“No.”

“Yes you did!” Lily was smiling, though it was one that was torn between amusement and disbelief. “I'm really…goodness, James, a harem? What would you do with--never mind, don't answer, please don't answer.” Lily turned deep red and looked back down at the cake.

“Joke! It was a joke!” James yelped. He didn't want Lily to think…well, he didn't want her to know about the harem fantasy. He just wanted to seem impressive and idealistic to her, not a womanizer.

“I know,” Lily said, her blush beginning to fade. “You might want to hurry though, Sirius'll be upset if you don't go back to your party soon.”

“Who cares?”

“You do.”

“Whatever.” James rolled his eyes, and he began to think of what he could ask Lily for. He didn't want to ask her to buy him anything--honestly, what could she give him? He couldn't wish for a kiss or something of that nature because he wasn't that brave and she didn't seem ready. He realized that the only thing that she had that he wanted was in her head. He had questions to ask, and he began to grin as he realized he might get the answers to things that had been floating in his head begging to be asked for weeks and weeks.

“Er-- alright. First wish is…tell me what you were thinking about the day of your mum's funeral, out on my porch?”

As soon as he said it, he wished he could take it back. She visibly deflated, and he began to think that perhaps she hadn't told him for a reason.

“Unless, you know, you don't want to tell me, which then--er--sorry, never mind, I--”

“No, it's fine,” Lily said softly. Her eyes were free from tears. She took his slice of cake off the platter and put it into a plate that one of the house-elves had put on the table, then handed it to him.

“I thought of a lot of things. Any particular part you want to hear?”

“Anything you don't mind telling.”

“Well…I was thinking a lot about how I was being sort of selfish about my mum. She'd be one of those people who would have gotten mad over people crying over her. Which of course, makes me want to cry even more.” Her forehead crinkled into a frown. “But after a while, you just can't cry. Stiff upper lip, you know.”

“It's only been a few weeks. You don't have to--”

“I want to, though. Not forget her, but sort of honor her more. Crying is just something I do for myself, and I can't feel sorry for myself, there's too many other people that need my sympathy. Especially now with people like…well, people like Severus, I suppose.”

James took a bite of his cake, and noticed that Lily hadn't taken any for herself. He didn't try to question her further, either about her eating or what she'd been thinking. He was almost afraid to shake her out of her dreamlike state, but she continued of her own accord.

“And then, of course, there was you.”

His heart began to pound faster, as he realized that she had no idea what she was going to say. He wanted to imagine that she would confess her fancy for him right then and there, leaving him only the happy duty of kissing her. But it just as easily could have been that she wanted to get away from him, that she didn't like that she was spending more and more time with him and making him her best friend.

“Really,” he managed to croak. He put his fork down, his appetite waning.

“And I feel really, really horrible. Because I realize now that when we first met I was completely unfair to you.”

“How?” He was genuinely bewildered.

“I…well, I was trying to change you. You knew that, you were right when you called me a--an effing shrink. I tried to be grown up, and I'm not grown up, not at all.” James stared at Lily in disbelief.

“You're more grown up than I am,” he stated bluntly.

“How so?”

“You gave Snape a chance when nobody else would.”

“Because I was stupid.”

“Because you were fair. And you told me to stop smoking, and it's really bad for me, and I'm trying to quit, and--”

“You're rambling, dear.”

“--And you're more fucking grown up than anyone I know, because you can still smile when people call you the m-word.” There were a million more things James wanted to say, but Lily silenced him with a bitter smile.

“Sometimes naivety can be misconstrued for intelligence.”

“And that's not a grown up thing to say?”

Lily rolled her eyes.

“That's not the point. The point is, I like you just the way you are. Even if you smoke and curse and have horrible birthday parties where everyone gets drunk, you're still the nicest boy I know, and it was terrible of me to try to change you to make it more obvious.”

James couldn't resist a smile. I like you just the way you are. The warmth in that gave him hope, and it made him feel that he could tell her right then exactly what he thought of her. The moment passed with silence, and he realized, suddenly, that the time to say it had come and passed. He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated.

“Well, that was the first wish,” Lily said. “Second one.”

“What? Oh, right. Second wish. Er. Halloween. Did you eat the sweets or not?”

Lily looked him straight in the eye.

“I had a bite. Make of that what you will.” She kept her eyes steadily on his, and it was as though she was urging him to realize what that meant--or as though she dreaded what would happen if he did.

“You were the same as you always are, though.”

“Mm. Third wish.”

James felt like an idiot for not quite getting what it meant. He felt as though he should, and something told him that he knew what it meant, but there were no words that he could think to phrase it with.

“You told me that you fancied me since fifth year because of some personality that you picked out for me. And you couldn't tell me then if it was the same as mine or different, but you could now, so…was it?” His heart was pounding as he asked the question, screaming at him that this could be the end of everything that had been built between them in the past three months. Lily frowned and sucked in her breath.

“You're asking very difficult questions, aren't you?”

“You only get birthday wishes once,” James said weakly. Lily sat in quiet for such a long time that he began to get worried.

“Are you mad at me? I can go if you--”

“Some parts are the same,” Lily said slowly. “There's…well, I always imagined you as kind, for one thing. And you're smart, too. But…” As soon as she said `but' his heart dropped. How could she say `but'? It wasn't one of those `but's where a person confessed that you were a thousand times better than what they imagined, it was a `but' that said, well, sorry, but you're really not the sort I fancy, after all.

“You're really quite different than what I imagined. Very much. I think that at the beginning I was trying to turn you into the personality I picked out for you, which, as I've already said, is something I regret doing.”

“So you like me better than you liked me before, then?” There it was. He'd practically admitted it to her.

“No, not really.”

His heart sank to the bottom of his stomach, and he felt like she had just slapped him. Lily must have seen this too, because she said,

“James, no, it's not--”

“I understand,” he said, smiling falsely as he thought of all the different ways he'd try to avoid her. He'd never be able to look up in History of Magic, for one thing, because she was right there. The more he thought about it, the more he realized how much he looked for her and how many times in a day he spoke to her. How had he lived for six years without knowing she existed?

“No you do not,” Lily said sternly.

“It's alright, it's--”

“Would you kindly stop it for one moment?” Lily said angrily. “You didn't let me finish!”

“What more is there to say?” James asked irritably.

“I said I didn't like you more than I did. James, of course I don't! I was bloody in love with you before I met you!”

“What?” The words `I' `love' and `you' made him freeze in his tracks. “You just said you fancied me in the astronomy tower, you didn't--”

“Right. Like I was going to tell someone who already thought I was crazy that I was in love with a personality I made up?”

“Which means, of course, that you couldn't feel that way about me because I'm different than him.” It was so strange to James that he was talking about a personality made up for his own self like a different person. It was even stranger that he was making his jealousy of that made up person known. He decided that it was because, if she really didn't fancy him, there was nothing more to lose.

“To be honest, I hate that personality that I made up for you now. He could have been made out of cardboard, for all the complexity he had.”

James didn't say anything.

“And, I sort of…well, to be honest, when I was thinking about things on your porch that day, I felt guilty about more than just trying to change you. I felt guilty because even though I was supposed to be sad about my mum--which I was and am, and always will be, in one way or another--I still couldn't help feeling things for you.”

James swallowed hard.

“Things.” His voice sounded high-pitched but he didn't care, because here was Lily and she was saying words that sounded more beautiful than any he could have dreamed up for her himself.

“She liked you,” Lily said, echoing what she'd said a week earlier. “And I realized on the porch that she'd want me to tell you that I--I like you as well. Because she and I are alike, we hate sidestepping things when they're obvious.”

“So does that mean,” James said slowly, comprehension dawning on him as he felt lighter and lighter with each passing second, “that you ate some sweets on Halloween, but you fancied me anyway, and you didn't act any different because you…you already fancied me?”

Lily nodded.

“Well, then what does that mean for us?”

“I can't say. You're out of wishes.”

“Well,” James said, feeling suddenly brave from the way she was looking at him, “I suppose that means I'll have to take matters into my own hands, hm?”

Lily smiled.

He didn't kiss her on the lips, and he didn't tell her everything he thought and felt about her in a rush of adoring relief, but he did hold her for a long time, and he did press his lips to her hair, and he had no more wishes to make because he felt that this feeling surpassed any sort of wish that he could have thought of.

-->

20. A Hangover and Yoko

Chapter 20: A Hangover and Yoko

They stood still for a long time, simply breathing in the scent of the other and ignoring everything around them. Somehow or another they separated and went back to the common room, James holding onto Lily's hand awkwardly. He couldn't help being surprised that he wasn't being pushed away. She'd never given an indication that she did not want him to--on the contrary, she looked somewhat pleased that he was--but before now it had not seemed right.

“Do you remember,” Lily said quietly, “that you were afraid to hold my hand this summer?” She smiled, and he did too. The person he was then was so distant and different, or otherwise seriously misinformed, because James found that he enjoyed holding Lily's hand immensely.

When they reached the common room and gave the password, they were greeted by a very drunken Peter.

“Hallo there, lads,” he said, his voice slurred. “This is…the bloody best party I've ever seen, eh? Shame I didn't get one so--so good for mine, eh?” He giggled, then stumbled out of the portrait hole.

“We should probably stop him,” James said offhandedly. “Being Head students and all.”

Lily looked up at him with her eyebrows raised.

“I forgot that you started caring,” she said lightly. “That's impressive.”

“Well, I was going to say `screw that', but now that you've reminded me…” He rolled his eyes and Lily laughed.

“We really should stop him, though. Especially since it's your fault that there's alcohol around at all.”

James sighed dramatically, then ran to catch up with Peter. With some gentle but firm words, he managed to coax him back through the portrait hole, Peter patting him on the back and declaring to Lily that James was a “bloody beautiful boy, bloody fucking beautiful.” James smiled at that. Peter rarely swore, but managed to do so profusely when he was drunk.

“Jaaaaaaammmmmmmmmie,” Sirius called, gliding toward them from across the room. “Lily, darling, so happy to see you've taken care of this one.” He planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek.

“Hello, Sirius,” she said. “It'd be rather redundant to ask you if you were drunk, wouldn't it?” She clearly disapproved, a crease appearing in her forehead, but she didn't say anything about it.

“Don't use words big words.” He laughed wildly, then turned to James.

“Happy birthday!” he said loudly. “I've forgotten your present this year.”

“It's alright,” James said, knowing that later he'd be sure to give him a hard time about it. James didn't particularly want a present, but he knew he couldn't just let Sirius get away with it. As Sirius laughed and called out to someone else, Lily said,

“That reminds me--did your Mum send you a present?”

James looked down, and it was clear to him that she was worried that this would cause further tension between him and his parents. He shook his head.

“No, they give me my presents when--”

“Sorry, I can't hear you,” Lily said, smiling apologetically. James realized then that he had been talking quietly in a loud room, while Lily and everyone else had been talking loudly. Not feeling like shouting, he lead Lily to the stairs to the dormitories, where it was quieter.

“Now, what were you saying?” Lily asked.

“My parents give me my presents when I go home for Christmas because they don't fit in the post.”

“Oh really? I suppose that means they buy you ridiculously large things that you barely get to use?”

“Not to mention ridiculously expensive.”

“James, darling, that was a given.”

“A lot of it's really cool, though,” James said, running a hand through his hair. “There's--well, you'll see it over Christmas break, won't you?”

“I will?” Lily tilted her head back slightly. “I don't think so.”

“You live right near me though!” he exclaimed, confused.

“I'm not going home.”

“But--”

“James, I can't go home. That would be needlessly forcing myself on my family, and it'd just make us all miserable. I don't want to go, which can only means Petty wants it even less.”

James felt like an idiot. She'd told him about her sister. Not to mention there would be memories of her mother in that house. He didn't blame her for not wanting to go home.

“So you'll just stay…”

“Yes. I'll stay here over Christmas. You'd better owl me!” She gave him a small, sad smile, and he wanted, overwhelmingly, to invite her home with him. In fact, he opened his mouth to do so when he remembered his mother. She was prejudiced and trying to set James up with a veela's daughter, and no doubt she would make Lily just as uncomfortable, if not more so, as if she had gone home.

It was as though Lily saw what he was thinking, because she put a hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

“It's fine. I'm--I'm interested to see what Christmas here is like.” She removed her hand from his shoulder and took his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He returned it, and, after giving each other comforting glances, they went to their separate dormitories.

***

“You did? Are you bloody fucking kidding me?”

“Er--no.”

It was the next morning, and, as James reflected after the fact, it wasn't the best time to have told Sirius that he'd basically admitted how he felt to Lily. Especially because Sirius had a terrible hangover and had run out of his private store of Pepperup potion.

“Why?” Sirius asked. “Why would you do something so bloody stupid?”

“She told me first!” James said defensively. “What was I supposed to do, lie and say that I didn't fancy her?”

“You could've!” Seeing the incredulous look on James's face, Sirius ground his knuckles into his head and groaned miserably.

“Look,” he said through gritted teeth, “have you heard of Florence bloody Nightingale?”

“What?”

“Florence Nightingale. Muggle nurse.”

“Why are you bringing up--”

“Just listen, alright? Florence Nightingale was some old Muggle nurse, and she fell in love with her patients. You're not a nurse, but that's you, mate!”

James stared, wondering if alcohol poisoning had driven his friend crazy.

“You can't go out with her now! You fancy her because she's a bloody crying mess!”

“Er--”

“What're you going to do when she turns back into her old sugar-cookie-baking self?”

“She doesn't bake sugar cookies,” James said, absently wondering if she actually did, and, if so, if she'd make some for him.

“Sure. The point is once she goes back to her old self, it'll be like John and Yoko. She'll break up our whole fucking band!”

James stiffened. Even he knew who John Lennon and Yoko Ono were.

“Look, why don't you shut up,” James muttered, any remainder of a good mood he might have had evaporating. “Some friend you are, telling me she's bloody Yoko.”

It seemed that Sirius realized that he'd struck a nerve, because then he said, his tone placating,

“I didn't mean it like that. I just meant you need to think about what you're doing. James, this is your first girlfriend, for Christ's sake!”

“Is not. I went out with Celestina…”

“For a week, and she was using you `cause she knew you had connections in the record business.”

James crossed his arms and started toward the door of their dormitory. Sirius let out a loud sound of frustration.

“If it makes you feel better, I knew you'd probably end up with her anyway.”

James stopped and ran a hand through his hair.

“It doesn't, really. Maybe if I didn't think you were saying it because you want me to fetch you some Pepperup potion from Pomfrey…”

“Oh, would you?” Sirius brightened up considerably.

“No. Get up, you prat, we've got classes. Remus and Peter've already gone, and Peter was more drunk than you were.”

Sirius dragged himself off his bed and said, dully,

“Nobody gets drunker than me. Ever.”

James couldn't tell if Sirius said it because he was proud or ashamed.

***

When he sat down in the Great Hall, the first thing that James noticed was that Lily wasn't there.

It didn't bother him at first--after all, she'd probably woken up late as he had. But by the time he'd finished breakfast (and had been asked at least four times, by people in various states of shock, whether he was dating Lily Evans), he was worried. Lily never missed breakfast.

When he asked Remus and Peter whether they'd seen her, they shook their heads no, though Peter seemed distracted. When James asked him about it, he turned deep red and muttered a quick `nothing' before scurrying out of the hall. This caused James to be even more confused, and to steadfastly try and ignore the look Sirius was giving him, practically trying to penetrate into his thoughts. Absentmindedly, he ran his finger over his scar, and was slightly cheered up by the fact that it no longer hurt. He had been carefully avoiding it the last few weeks, which was why he hadn't known.

Lily didn't take potions, which was what he had first, so the whole class he couldn't figure out if she was simply not at breakfast or not going to classes. The next class, History of Magic, he did have with her, and he was pleased to see that she was sitting in her usual seat. She looked a bit tired, but other than that, she looked like her usual self. Ignoring Professor Binns, who was also looking more tired than usual that day, he spent the whole time trying to get her attention. She didn't or wouldn't notice, even when he tried to toss a note at her asking where she'd been. After class was over, he caught up with her and put a hand on her shoulder.

“Are you alright?” he murmured in her ear, noticing, with some discomfort, that several people were staring interestedly.

“Yes,” she said, her voice matching his in quietness. “But I figured that you didn't appreciate all the attention we got from just hand-holding. I didn't want to embarrass you…”

“Who the hell cares about them?” James asked, his voice much louder as he said this. Though he had said it for some added bravado, he found himself believing in his words wholeheartedly. The only person whose opinion he really cared about was Sirius, and it'd be the same whether he and Lily talked to each other or not. His loud statement caused everyone who had been staring to look away hurriedly, and he nodded in approval at his own handiwork.

Lily smiled at this.

“That's sweet,” she said, taking his hand and walking with him in silence.

They went to lunch together, and James sat to Sirius's left as Lily sat to Sirius's right, earning her curious looks from both Sirius and James. She ignored them, heaping large mounds of food onto her plate.

“Lily,” James said, surprised, “you're actually eating?”

Lily glanced up, though she quickly turned her eyes back to her plate.

“It was the most wonderful thing,” she said, putting her plate down and lifting her fork, “this morning I woke up and I was hungry.” This remark was lost on Sirius, but not on James, who watched her begin to dig into her food ravenously.

“That's really good,” he said, and it was.

The whole time, Peter had been goggling at them, though Remus had simply watched them with a bored expression that said he already knew what had happened.

“Peter, for the love of God pull yourself together,” Sirius said irritably. “You would think if you're not hung over, you'd at least try to act like you're not an idiot.” James noticed faint puffs of steam coming out of Peter's ears at irregular intervals, something he did not find with Sirius. James smiled to himself. It was clear that only one of them had gotten their hands on some Pepperup potion.

About five minutes into the meal, they were approached by Marlene, who looked a little apprehensive.

“Hello,” she said anxiously, staring at the floor. “I've--er--I've come to bring you something.” She shoved a letter at them, which Remus took and opened.

“This is--”

“You can't say anything,” Marlene looked up, and her eyes held a warning. “Just read it, all of you, and--” She stopped and noticed Lily for the first time. She smiled, and Lily smiled back, as though there was a secret passing between them. Marlene handed Lily a letter of her own, then continued as though nothing had happened. “Then destroy it. Dumbledore's orders.”

“Why does she get her own letter?” Sirius complained. “We all have to share.”

Marlene shrugged, turning red as she realized that Sirius was staring at her.

“I didn't make them up,” she mumbled. “I just deliver them.” She was about to turn away when she added, as an afterthought, “It was nice to see you all.” She gave them a wave, and then gave Lily one more appreciative smile before hurrying off the Ravenclaw table.

“She's no dog, is she?” Sirius asked thoughtfully. “I wouldn't mind--”

“Don't even, Sirius,” Lily said sharply, though her face remained impassive. “She has a boyfriend.”

Sirius looked at the other three Marauders, as though asking Can you believe this? Remus, however, nodded approvingly at what Lily had said and Peter was busy reading the letter that Remus had handed him.

“So, what is it then?” James asked Lily, breaking the awkward silence. She handed him the letter, which said,

Dear Ms. Evans,

A meeting is being held tonight to discuss a special defense league that is forming in response to the increasingly violent attacks against Muggles, Muggle-borns, and those who support them. It will be held in my office at eight thirty, and let it be known that I have always been especially particular to Toffee.

You have received this letter because, of the many people who attend this school, I have extreme faith in your discretion and loyalty.

Sincerely,

Professor Dumbledore

Headmaster

James looked around at the rest of them, wide-eyed. It appeared that they were as intrigued as he was.

“So we're going, right?” he asked, handing the letter over to Lily and looking at Sirius for confirmation. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“You idiot, why wouldn't we? A chance to `accidentally' murder Snape while he's running around playing Death Eater? Brilliance!” This caused him to look a good deal more cheerful than he'd been before, and he dug into his food with almost the same amount of vigor that Lily had.

“Lily?”

Lily looked slightly troubled by what Sirius said, but she nodded her head vigorously.

“Of course. Dumbledore trusts us.” The pride in her voice was clear, and James couldn't help feeling pride swell in his chest as well.

“Moony? Wormtail?” They nodded, and Lily raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

“Those names are interesting. I mean, I can understand why M--” She stopped, going slightly pale.

“Sorry,” she said quickly. James had to think for a minute before he realized what she was going to say. She was going to say something about understanding `Moony' because she knew that Remus was a werewolf. He had forgotten that she knew about that. He ignored the questioning glances that were being exchanged by the rest of them, hoping that they would not question him about it later. Lily set her letter on fire to give herself an excuse not to look at them, and James followed suit with the other letter.

Peter looked down at his watch and let out a sound that could only be described as a squeak.

“I have to go,” he said quickly. “I forgot that I have--well, I need to go.” He got up, the food on his plate only half-eaten, and hurried away.

“What was that about?” Remus asked, frowning. James frowned too. If Remus didn't know, then something strange was going on.

“He's been acting like a real clumsy bugger lately,” Sirius commented. “Jumpy, y'know?”

A silence fell on them, and James's eyes happened to land on Lily. She was steadfastly avoiding looking at any of them.

“Lily?” She looked up, and he knew that she knew what was going on. He felt his heart fill with dread. What wouldn't she tell them?

“It's nothing bad,” she said quickly, giving him a reassuring smile. “I just can't say, that's all. It wouldn't be fair.” He felt a wave relief wash over him.

“Well, fuck it,” Sirius said loudly, pushing his plate away. “If she knows more about it than Lupin, we're all going to hell.” In spite of that, James could see that Sirius looked relieved too. Even though they never talked about it or acknowledged it, sometimes they worried about Peter.

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21. Dating and Rosmerta

Chapter 21: Dating and Rosmerta

James and Lily were walking side by side, going to meeting in Dumbledore's office early. It had been James's idea, to Lily's delight; it was another chance to prove, to her and to himself, that he was trying to take the job seriously. It had caused all of his friends, especially Sirius, to call him a prat, but the way Lily had beamed at him had been worth it.

“I'm nervous.” James didn't expect it from Lily, and he couldn't help gaping at her.

“What?”

“I don't know what's going to happen. I'm nervous.”

James put a hand on her back, and she turned to look at him.

“It's just a meeting.”

“I know that,” she said, half laughing. “But it's important. It's V- You-Know-Who.” Her face went solemn at that.

“Is that what you're calling him, then? You-Know-Who?” James asked. He had wondered for years what the right thing to call Voldemort was. When he was a kid, barely anyone had heard of Voldemort. Now everyone was afraid of saying his name, and, even after having seen him himself, using either one made him feel inadequate. He had taken to not even mentioning him.

It seemed as though Lily understood this, because she let out a heavy sigh.

“It's rediculous, I know. The right thing, obviously, is to call him Voldemort, but I used to be friends with Severus, and I didn't like it when his friends hexed me--”

“They hexed you?” James interrupted angrily. “What'd they do? D'you want me to--”

Lily shook her head.

“It's not important,” she said. “It's strange to see you get so worked up about it.”

“Who do those bastards think they are, hexing you?”

“It was a long time ago.”

“I'll kick their arses. Snivellus too, dirty bastard. Why didn't he do anything?”

“James, we're not friends anymore, remember?”

James went quiet, feeling cross. The more he knew Lily, the more he felt the overwhelming need to protect her, whether she thought she needed it or not. Lily continued talking as though nothing had happened.

“Now it's the same sort of thing, except they don't hex me, they just sort of…look at me funny. Like they don't get why a muggleborn would-- why I would do something so stupid, you know? But I've made it all about myself, sorry.”

“It's fine,” James said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I should call him that too. Vol- Voldemort.”

“Why don't you?”

“Because…” He had to think of something that didn't sound pathetic, because any of the reasons he had made him sound as though he was too cowardly.

“I won't think any less of you, James. It's just a question.” He hesitated another moment.

“It's just easier not to say it His name, I mean,” he said quickly, getting it out in a rush. Lily nodded and took his hand from his pocket. Wordlessly, she laced her fingers with his.

“I`m a bloody rotten Gryffindor, eh?” James sighed, and it was something that had bothered him for a long time. He was bold, but not brave. He didn't want to be an auror, he didn't want to say Voldemort's name. He wanted Voldemort to go away and leave him to live a peaceful life where he didn't have to have the worry, in the back of his head, that one day Voldemort would kill his parents. Or Lily's parents. Or Lily, for that matter. He hadn't thought of it before, but being muggleborn she was more at risk than he was of getting hurt, and he felt, suddenly, like demanding that she turn around and not go to this meeting that would risk her life that much more.

“You're a wonderful Gryffindor,” Lily said, squeezing his hand. “Most people wouldn't admit that. Bravery's not about jumping in front of a dangerous situation and hoping that you live through it, you know.”

“It's part of it.”

“It can be. But I think that you're brave to be Head Boy when you probably didn't know if you could, and you're even braver to fancy me when Sirius hates me. Made it about me again, shoot.” Lily turned red.

“Sirius doesn't hate you.” His heart gave a loud thump of nervousness at the mention of fancying before he relaxed. It was hard to remember that Lily was allowed to know what he felt for her.

“He's hated me since this summer, and before that he didn't know I existed.”

“See, that's funny,” James said, frowning. “Because none of us ever knew who you were, and now--” He stopped, seeing that they had arrived at Dumbledore's office.

“Now what?” Lily asked, ignoring the door and looking up at him. He forgot, for a moment, what he was saying; her eyes looked particularly bright and he found himself staring at them.

“Now what?”

“Oh, right,” James said, shaking his head. “Er, well--what I was saying was none of us knew about you until this summer, and now I don't see how we didn't.”

“That confused me for awhile as well. But I know the answer to that now,” Lily said, turning away toward the gargoyle. “It's because you don't pay attention to girls.”

“What are you saying?” James asked, feeling slightly hurt. Of course he paid attention to girls--he was a normal member of the male species, after all.

“Well, you see them, but you don't see them. You're too busy with your friends and Quidditch to really notice.”

“I do notice,” James began heatedly. “There's Celestina and Alice and Emmeline--”

“Toffee,” Lily said to the gargoyle. Turning back to James she said, “I promise, we can talk about this later.” She gave him a pat on the arm and released his hand. James stared at his hand awkwardly, feeling how empty it was now, before stuffing it back in his pocket.

As Lily went into Dumbledore's office, James was thinking hard. He knew that he hadn't dated many girls, but he had always thought that it was because there were none that were interesting. He didn't want to admit that what Lily had said was the truth--the problem was not them, but the fact that he had not seen them. He wanted to think that it wasn't true, but Lily was evidence of it. He shook his head moodily and followed her.

***

“What d'you think?” James asked Lily an hour later. She looked up at him, and they laughed, from both nervousness and excitement. The meeting, as far as James could see, had been a success. He had to hand it to Dumbledore; his passion was infectious.

There hadn't been too much said; they wouldn't be able to join the order until they had graduated from Hogwarts, as Dumbledore wasn't able to actually enlist his students. But he had talked in detail about the roles they could play in defeating Voldemort. Dumbledore had described how they could help through spying, paperwork, planning, or cover-ups and bases of operations. James had felt shivers run down his spine numerous times, feeling that finally he'd be able to help somehow, even without being an auror. He was emotionally charged, even after having left the energetic atmosphere the room held. Before he had felt like he needed to protect Lily from it; now he hoped she would do it too, because he could see everything he felt reflected in her expression.

“To be honest, I've never been more excited.”

“Me either.” They walked in silence, words insufficient in describing the excitement they felt.

“What I said doesn't still bother you, does it?” Lily asked it so suddenly that James was taken aback. She was quicker than he was; the thought of what she had said earlier, about him not noticing girls, had not even reentered his head yet. It was a nagging little thing that marred his excitement, and he could help feeling a bit annoyed that she had brought it up. It was for that reason that he chose to retort irritably,

“I don't need you thinking I'm a bloody poof.”

Lily shook her head, calm and placating.

“Of course I don't think that.”

“Well it sounds like it.”

“James,” Lily said, giving him a knowing look, “if I thought that, would I be dating you?”

It was the first mention of the word dating. They had used the word `fancy', but a day had passed and the subject of actually dating had not yet been broached. But Lily said it quickly and easily, as though the fact that they would was obvious. Of course, James had assumed that it would eventually be the case, but he had assumed that it would be another hard transition, another thing to deliberate and whine to Sirius over. Things had happened so quickly that he hadn't really had time to think about it, but now he was glad that it was over before it was begun. This caused his annoyance to evaporate, replaced by a calmer, warmer sort of excitement than the one he had experienced before.

“No, I guess not,” James said, pleased and embarrassed at the same time.

“And besides,” Lily said, putting an arm through his, “it makes you better. Less jaded as far as girls go.”

“And you are as far as boys go?” James raised his eyebrows, and Lily shook her head.

“No. But I think you thought you were, and it's nice to know you're not.”

“Hello, James, Lily,” Sirius said, coming up behind them and causing them to break the link that their arms had formed. “Oh, don't mind me,” he added, seeing that they already had. “Just passing through. Wouldn't want to ruin the moment and all that.”

“Too late, as usual,” Remus added, coming up behind Sirius and crossing his arms. “You wanker, just move already.”

Sirius turned to Remus in mock hurt.

“Did you just call me a wanker?”

Remus rolled his eyes.

“Like you don't call me one five times a day.”

“I've moved it up to six. You obviously aren't counting.”

“The fact that you are disgusts me, just a bit,” James said over his shoulder.

“Shouldn't you be sucking Lily's face off, Potter?”

James went red and glanced at Lily to see how she would react. She was conveniently studying a suit of armor, though her cheeks were tinged pink.

“No,” James said through his teeth, “as we have been dating for one day.” It was now the first time that he had mentioned the word `dating', and it sounded very serious, very committed. It didn't seem to have the same effect on Sirius, who rolled his eyes.

“Please, Potter. We're not all bloody fucking prudes.”

“Sirius, let's go look for Peter,” Remus said loudly, giving Lily an apologetic look. “And meanwhile we can learn about manners.”

“As long as you teach me how to knit a tea cozy, mother.”

Sirius and Remus began bickering, and James rubbed his hand over his eyes, wondering if all the embarrassment would stop after he and Lily had been dating for more than a day. He found himself seriously doubting it.

***

Two weeks and a few days later was a Hogsmeade weekend. Lily had informed James that she still had to go with him to get a proper birthday present, and, in spite of his protests, they were now going from shop to shop trying to find something he liked.

“How about this?” Lily asked, holding up an owl collar. James rarely used his owl (it was so bad that in the past three years he had gained twenty pounds), so he didn't see the point in giving it an embarrassing collar that flashed `My owner loves me' in color-changing neon letters. It seemed unfair and slightly inhumane.

“Er--no, I don't think so.”

Lily threw her hands up in frustration.

“I should have stuck with the wishes thing for your present. There is simply nothing to buy for someone who has everything.”

“Forget it. I don't need one.”

Lily sighed and looked up at him.

“You're sure?”

“Yes.”

Lily sighed again, this time in relief.

“I knew I liked you.” She gave him a quick hug, but before he could properly enjoy it or return it she had pulled away again.

“I have to look for your Christmas present now.”

“You can't be serious.”

“Yes, I am. Have you done it yet?”

James shook his head. He and Sirius didn't usually shop for presents. For his friends, normally he would find something his parents had given him that he'd never used, rewrapped it, and sent it off. It was a process that had served him well for six years, but when he explained this to Lily, she did not look impressed.

“You're joking.”

“Why?” He honestly didn't see the problem; it wasn't as though what he gave his friends was bad. Perfect astronomical models, omniculars, and a set of mother of pearl gobstones were nothing to scoff at.

“James, you have to pick it. That's the best part!”

“I hate shopping,” he grumbled. Lily grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the store, ignoring how the snow whipped at them mercilessly. It was not the best weekend to be out in Hogsmeade; it was snowing rather hard, and the wind blew it everywhere. James shivered and pulled his scarf around his nose, though he noticed Lily did not even bother with hers. They weaved through the large amounts of people until they entered into the pleasant warmth of the Three Broomsticks. Lily dragged him over to a small table in the corner that had miraculously not been taken and sat down. James assumed that she expected him to do the same, and therefore did so.

“What are we doing here?” James hissed.

“We're going to help you figure out what to give your friends,” Lily whispered back. “Don't argue, it'll be wonderful.”

“What happened to not wanting to change me?”

Lily sat back in her chair and gave him a hard look, as though trying to figure out whether he was being sincere in his question and if she should take its meaning to heart.

“I'm not trying to change you,” she said after a moment, relaxing. “I'm teaching you what proper Christmas shopping is about.”

“My way works fine. Peter doesn't even give Christmas presents.”

“Maybe not to you,” Lily retorted. “But I know for a fact that he--” She stopped, then turned red. James watched this happen, feeling inexplicable jealousy.

“He what?” he asked suspiciously. “Did he give you a present?”

“Don't be ridiculous, of course he didn't.”

“But he did…something.”

“It has to do with what I can't tell you.”

“Can finding out be my Christmas present?”

“I'll think about it. Now stop changing the subject, we have to help you pick out what to get for your friends. I'll make a list.”

“Hi James!” The bar owner's pretty, curly haired daughter Rosmerta had walked up to their table and was smiling expectantly at him.

“Hey Rosie,” James said, smiling. Rosmerta was one of the few girls besides Lily that he felt comfortable talking to, and probably the only girl who hadn't been on a Quidditch team but still knew every possible play.

“Where's Sirius?”

“No idea. Probably trying to woo Dorcas, if I had to guess.”

Rosmerta put her hands on her hips.

“Dorcas Meadowes?”

“Yeah.”

“She's fifteen!”

“It's sick, I know.”

“Wow. I never would have thought--but who are you?” She seemed to notice Lily for the first time and was now eyeing her with interest. James turned to look at Lily as well, and saw that she had pulled some parchment and a Muggle pen from her pocket. Seeing James's stare, she explained,

“I don't like carrying pots of ink around.”

James continued to look at the pen. He had taken Muggle Studies, so he knew what they were, but he still found them very interesting. Meanwhile, Lily looked up and smiled at Rosmerta.

“I'm Lily.”

“I'm Rosmerta, even though this bloke and Sirius insist on calling me Rosie.” She shook her head darkly.

“You like the name,” James said, looking up from the pen. “At least you like it when Sirius says it.” He smiled when she turned red. Rosmerta had a bit of a crush on Sirius.

“D'you want something to drink?” Rosmerta asked primly. “I have other customers to attend to.”

“A firewhiskey would be great.” James sighed, imagining the long and grueling day Lily would put him through.

“Oh no it wouldn't,” Lily said sharply.

“Oh, come on,” James said, exasperated. “I haven't had a ciggie in a week.”

“Really?” Rosmerta broke in, surprised. “James, the last I saw you were a bit of a chain-smoker.”

“That was before Lily turned me into a chicken.” Rosmerta's mouth dropped, and she looked at Lily incredulously.

“You turned him into a chicken? For smoking?”

“Er.” It was clear that Lily was embarrassed. “I felt sort of bad about it afterwards, but it was sort of ridiculous, I mean he just smoked all the time, and it's terrible for you, it really is…” Lily trailed off when Rosmerta began to laugh heartily.

“That is bloody brilliant!” she laughed. “Who would have thought that's what it took to attract James Potter?”

“I was not attracted to being turned into a chicken,” James said firmly, but Rosmerta ignored him.

“I suppose I'll just bring him a water, then. I'd hate to see what you'll do to him if he drinks a firewhiskey.” She chuckled again.

“It's not funny,” James said. “And I'll have a butterbeer, thanks.”

“Is that alright with her?” Rosmerta asked, nodding at Lily. Lily's face was quickly turning the color of her hair.

“He can have what he wants,” she said weakly. “I don't--I don't decide what he gets, he's perfectly free to--”

“Oh, no, I don't know. We don't like animals in our pub…”

“A butterbeer's fine,” James said. “Make it two.” He gave Rosmerta a glare. He could see that Lily was practically dying of embarrassment, and he couldn't help hating Rosmerta at that moment for being so insensitive. Rosmerta seemed to get wind of James's annoyance, because she left in a hurry.

“Are you okay?” James asked Lily, reaching out to put a hand on hers.

“I'm so sorry,” she said. “I shouldn't have tried to control any of it, you were right, and if you want a firewhiskey you can have it…”

“It's fine,” James said soothingly. “I don't feel like having firewhiskey. Butterbeer's better.”

“And you do your presents how you like, I'm sorry about that too.”

James sighed.

“Look, it was stupid of me to bring up the whole chicken thing--”

“But it actually happened, didn't it? I actually did that, and--”

“It's fine. Rosie's a bitch, anyway.”

“I doubt it,” Lily said. “But thank you for trying, anyway.” Rosmerta came back with the butterbeers, and neither of them said a word until their bottles were almost finished. Then James said, hesitantly,

“Listen, I'll pick your and Sirius's presents out myself, alright?”

“Yeah. That sounds good.” Lily smiled and reached for his hand. Giving it to her, he smiled back. He had noticed that every time they were together, one of them reached out to touch the other. He liked that; they were always connected, always wanting to be a part of one another.

“Are you going to pick something out for your parents?” she asked him.

“My dad doesn't like presents. I don't bother getting them for him anymore.”

“And…your mum?” It sounded like it hurt Lily to say, perhaps, James thought, because she was remembering Christmas shopping for her own mother.

“Maybe.”

“You should. Even if you don't buy something, you should give her something. She's the one who brought you into the world, after all.”

James didn't know how willingly she had done that, but he nodded at what Lily said. Then they fell into silence once more, both of them lost in thought and miles away from their little table in a crowded pub.

-->

22. Moods and Broom Closets

Chapter 22: Moods and Broom Closets

James was in one of his moods.

He hadn't been in a very long time; in fact, for a while the days of being in a dark mood seemed distant and unnatural. But a week into December, having received yet another letter from his mother, his moodiness returned as though it had never left. It was a Friday night, and the rest of the boys had abandoned the dormitory for an environment less hostile.

He crushed the paper clenched in his fist even tighter, wishing that by doing so it could be destroyed and never have existed. But it remained firmly in his hand, and the situation continued to be the same as each second passed.

Dearest James,

Well, love, it's all settled; I've spoken it over with Madame Delacour, and we've decided that we can announce your engagement to Adele at the Christmas ball. Adele will come with me to pick you up from the station when you come home, and I hope that you two will spend plenty of time together over the holiday! Her English isn't the best, but she is a beautiful, well-off girl, and I know you two will get along famously.

Darling, I notice you haven't been responding to my letters, and your father agrees. I can only hope that you are minding your studies and Head Boy duties! Write me a letter sometime soon, and we love you. Only a few weeks until we are all together again!

Love,

Mum

Adele, James assumed, was Madame Delacour's sister. How was it that he was supposed to be engaged to someone whose name he had just learned? It infuriated him that the nosy old women had the audacity to even try. Especially now, when things were going along so well, when he had Lily. It seemed that everything in the universe was trying to go against them, like all the forces of nature were trying to take away the happiest thing that he had.

“James?”

James looked up from where he sat on his bed to see Lily sticking her head through the door. The light shining into the darkened room from behind her lit her hair up like a burning halo, and it hurt him to see her look so pretty.

“James, you missed the prefect meeting.”

“Oh, did I?” James asked, his voice toneless.

“Yes, you did, but you needn't worry about it, Remus helped me.” Lily took a step into the room hesitantly.

“Mm.” James said.

“Sirius told me I shouldn't come in. Should I leave?”

James made a sound that really indicated neither yes nor no. Lily took it to mean that she should stay, as she closed the door almost all the way and strode toward him until she was standing next to his bed.

“What is it?”

“What do you think?” James showed her the crumpled ball in his hand, and Lily rubbed his shoulder sympathetically.

“Don't let her bother you, James.”

“How can I help it when she sends me this--this bleeding piece of shit!” James threw the ball to The Floor and Lily jumped backward, the sudden change in tone surprising her.

“Do you want to tell me?” Lily asked quietly. James noticed that she was closer to the door.

“Mm.”

“Witty,” Lily said dryly. “If you decide you need to talk to me, let me know. I won't bother you if you don't want to see me.” She walked out and James spread himself out on his bed, feeling hopeless. He tried to imagine what he could possibly write in a letter to his mother that could express his rage, annoyance, and desperation properly. He wondered, idly, if a howler would work well enough so that Adele would stay in France. He had a hard time convincing himself. Meanwhile, he'd managed to completely alienate Lily. He punched the pillow next to him.

The next thing he knew, the door of the dormitory, which had not been properly shut, was flung open and someone was on top of him from his torso up. He froze, then smelled a familiar shampoo--Lily's.

“Lily?” he asked, though his words were impossible to make out, as her arm was wrapped around his head.

“I just want you to know that I care about you very much,” she said. “And that whatever your mum has done, it must have been completely terrible, and I hope I didn't sound like I didn't care about how you felt.”

“Mmmph!” The loud noise that came from his throat was sufficient in getting her to remove her arm from his face, allowing him to sit up and straighten his glasses. She watched him expectantly, as though awaiting his verdict.

“I didn't think that you didn't care,” James muttered finally. He was repressing a smile--once again, she'd convinced him that she was the strangest person he'd ever met, though he found it oddly endearing.

Lily smiled and put a hand to the side of his face.

“Alright.”

Quickly, as though trying not to think about what she was doing, she gave him a kiss on the cheek, then hurried out, shutting the door all the way behind her. All thoughts of what had upset James had disappeared, replaced with the feeling of her lips on her cheek. The spot seemed to burn, and he touched it lightly, his insides twisting into knots. A ridiculous grin formed on his face, and he sat like that for a long while, completely content.

How could he be engaged to Adele when he had Lily?

***

The next afternoon in the common room, an amiable kick in the leg alerted James of someone's presence.

“Hey, Potter!” she said cheerfully. For a second he was bewildered, before he recognized the pink-cheeked grin--Hestia. He hadn't recognized her because her long, dark hair had been shorn into a boyish cut that formed ringlets near her ears and made her look at least three years older than she was.

“Hullo. Er--nice hair.” He gestured at it, and Hestia ran a hand through it jovially.

“Marlene did it, believe it or not. Who knew she had a talent?” Hestia snorted, indicating that she certainly hadn't guessed it. James couldn't help laughing. The day had been a fantastic one, Gryffindor winning the Quidditch match against Hufflepuff 380-70. Lily giving him a giant congratulatory hug and the admiring look in her eyes helped too.

“How's Charlie?” he asked, not quite knowing what to say. To his embarrassment, Hestia's face clouded over and she looked like she was about to cry.

“Dirty piece of shit,” she muttered, wiping at her eyes. “I never want to hear that name again.”

“Why?” James asked, wanting to run away. He didn't like the idea of making a girl cry, least of all the one girl who he would never have suspected indulged in crying.

“Dirty rotten liar was snogging Meghan McCormack. One of the Ravenclaw chasers,” she clarified, seeing James's blank look. He couldn't remember who she was, but seeing how annoyed Hestia looked, he nodded anyway.

“Oh, yeah,” he said. Seeing she didn't look convinced, he added, “That ugly girl?”

She seemed pleased with that and clapped him on the back.

“Evans is lucky to have a boy like you,” she said proudly. She moved slightly to the left to see something behind James, then called out after a moment, “Oy, Marlene!” She looked up at James, then said, “I hardly ever see the twit lately. Normally I can't get rid of her.”

“What d'you want?” Marlene asked, stumbling over to them. It seemed as though she had gotten her hands on some post-Quidditch game alcohol, as her cheeks were flushed and she seemed slightly wobbly.

“Nothing, just want to save you from getting hopelessly drunk. Charlie--” She stopped, and a pained expression flitted across her face. It quickly disappeared. “Charlie told me how you get. A lot bolder, if you know what I mean.” She gave James a knowing look that James didn't want to be able to interpret.

“I am not drunk,” the blond girl said, drawing herself up with as much dignity as she could muster. “I'm just not miserable.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Shut up, Hestia,” Marlene said, putting a hand to her head and looking exhausted. “Just let me enjoy myself, alright?”

“I never stopped you,” Hestia snapped. Marlene stormed away, and James couldn't help thinking that Hestia looked pathetic.

“I think she holds it against me that me and Charlie broke up,” she sighed. “Damn McKinnons. Even their mum hates me.”

“Er--sorry.” James didn't know what to say. Hestia shook her head at him.

“You don't have to entertain me, you bastard,” she said. “Go snog Evans already.”

James patted Hestia's shoulder in an awkward imitation of what he thought Lily would do. Hestia gave him an odd look, so he abandoned it and hurried away.

Instead of finding Lily, James found Sirius, who he hadn't talked to all day. It was clear that, in spite of having won a spectacular game of Quidditch, he wasn't sure if James was still in a mood. James grinned, and Sirius visibly relaxed.

“Great game, eh?”

“Yeah, I saw you telling everyone how it's thanks to you that Bagman hit all those people.”

“It's true! If I hadn't told him exactly who to--”

“You told him to hit me.”

“You looked like a Hufflepuff! That one Keeper bloke, you and he really--”

“I was wearing red and he was wearing yellow. And you told him to hit me twice.”

“Bad luck, Prongs,” Sirius said, obviously not wanting to admit anything. “So, has the wife had a kid yet?”

“What?”

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Is Evans pregnant yet?”

James took a step away from him.

“Are you joking?”

“Well, you're together often enough, can't blame me for wondering…”

“Just because you're a dirty cradle robbing bastard doesn't mean--” He stopped talking at seeing the self-satisfied grin on Sirius's face.

“What did you do?” James asked slowly.

“Nothing.”

“Who d'you think you're kidding?”

“Three guesses who wants me.”

James honestly thought about it. Probably every girl who Sirius had dated, and many more who he hadn't even looked at, could say that they wanted him. He found it disgusting.

“Who?”

“Dorcas.” S irius bounced on the balls of his face, looking extremely satisfied with himself. James shook his head, but decided to be glad for his friend, hoping that someday Sirius would choose to return the favor.

“That's brilliant. Have you snogged her yet?”

“Yeah bloody right,” Sirius laughed, ambling over to an armchair and collapsing into it joyously. “I've got her right where I want her. Now I plan on snogging as many available girls as possible in front of her. Maybe even some that aren't available.” Sirius wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“What about Rosmerta?” came a voice from behind James. James turned around and grinned as he found himself looking at Lily.

“Rosmerta?” Sirius asked, his brow furrowing. James didn't know if it was confusion or dislike that caused it, though he hoped it was the former.

“Yes. She seems to fancy you.” James shook his head at Lily. He was surprised to see that she didn't seem to realize one thing that he had always known, and that was that if Rosie and Sirius dated, Rosie would end up getting hurt. In spite of the way she had acted toward Lily when they had been in Hosmeade, Rosmerta was a good girl, and James didn't want to see Sirius ruin a perfectly good friendship.

“She does?” Sirius asked, looking shocked. James found that rather unusual. In his experience, Sirius thought that every girl he knew fancied him, which was usually the case.

“Er—perhaps,” Lily said, having interpreted James's expression. “I mean, she could. That's not to say she does, of course.”

“But you think she does?”

“I--maybe?”

A grin began to form on Sirius's face.

“We-ell,” he said, sounding as though he'd won a prize. “Rosie likes me. Rosie! Who would've thought? Of course, no sane girl could have resisted, but still! Prongs, what d'you think?”

“That you're a stuck up git.”

“Don't get your knickers in a twist simply because I'm wildly famous among the female species,” Sirius said, preening. “After all, you do have Evans. It's not Rosie, but I suppose you've made do with what you have.”

“Excuse me,” Lily said. “I'm right here. You could at least call me Lily.” James started laughing, extremely amused by the stern tone Lily used with Sirius. Sirius stuck out his tongue at them.

“Go find a broom closet or something,” he drawled.

“But then we might run into Peter and--” Lily froze, and Sirius and James gaped at her.

“What?” James asked in a high-pitched voice.

“Nothing,” Lily said, reddening. “Absolutely nothing.”

“Liar,” Sirius said, pointing at her. “D'you mean to tell me that Wormtail has been in broom closets?”

“No.”

“People in broom closets mean one thing,” Sirius said, turning to James. “And that means Peter's got a girlfriend.”

“It doesn't mean anything,” Lily said in vain.

“But who the hell would snog Peter?” Sirius continued. James didn't say anything. He was too busy thinking. All of those times that Peter had mysteriously had to go, been unable to find--he was snogging someone? It all made sense, but it seemed completely unbelievable.

“Who's he been snogging?” Sirius asked Lily. Lily shook her head, a blush having passed over her cheeks.

“I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“The map,” James said to Sirius out of the corner of his mouth, and a look of understanding crossed Sirius's face. Without words, he was telling Sirius that the Marauder's Map would tell them everything they needed to know about who Peter was snogging.

***

Two hours later, Sirius and James were staring at each other in disbelief.

“Marlene McKinnon?” Sirius asked. “Isn't she the blond one?”

“Yeah,” James was surprised as well. How could he have spoken to her and not known? It seemed like a mistake, but the map never lied.

“But she's--she's not ugly!” Sirius cried. “How the hell did Peter get--and I--and Lily--but you.” He turned to face the bed next to his, which Remus was laying in. “You knew, didn't you?”

“I have no idea what you're talking about,” Remus said, sounding exactly like Lily had; too guilty to be telling the truth.

“Look at them!” Sirius exclaimed, watching the map in horror. “There is only one dot! They're on top of each other!”

James gave an involuntary shudder. He did not want to think about it. He did not want to admit that Marlene's embarrassment around the Marauder's and her walking in on him while he was getting dressed could be explained by her dating Peter. There was just something about Peter that had made James think that he would be alone forever.

“I have a headache,” Sirius moaned. “I'm going to bed. Goodnight.” He flung the map onto The Floor (which was not a very smart thing to do, James reflected), and flopped onto his stomach. James pulled off his robes, then got into his own bed, which was on the other side of Sirius's.

The last thing that he remembered thinking that night was that there really was only one dot.

-->

23. Starshine and Snogging

Chapter 23: Starshine and Snogging

The first thing Sirius said when he heard that James was going to be engaged was,

“I don't think Yoko's gonna like this.”

James sighed in annoyance.

“D'you have to call Lily `Yoko'?”

“What would you prefer? Starshine? Moonbeam? She-Who-Hath-Taken-The-Cigarettes-And-All-Other-Traces-Of-Who-My-Best-Friend-Used-To-Be?”

“Why do you have to use this situation to insult my girlfriend?” James rubbed his temples. He really needed a new best friend.

“Eeeugh,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “Girlfriend. It's so…official.”

“Look, just because you hate her--”

“I don't hate her. I just don't want your children to have red hair.”

“Why are we talking about my children?” James asked, turning a little red.

“No reason. We can talk about Peter and that McKinnon girl if you--”

“No.”

“Fine.” Sirius leaned back on his bed until he was laying down, imitating the position James was already in.

“D'you want to marry Adele?” Sirius asked after a moment. James looked over at him in disgust.

“That, Padfoot, was one of the stupidest questions you've ever asked.”

“Just because you haven't gotten your tobacco fix, no need to bring me down.”

James put an arm over his face. Tobacco withdrawal was not one of the things causing his bad mood. Since he'd woken up that morning, he'd had at least four cigarettes, and he predicted that there were many more to follow. He didn't want to go downstairs and have Lily smell it and get upset, so he'd already decided not to go down that day and pretend to do homework.

“If you don't want to marry Adele,” Sirius continued, “just have Lily go with you to your mum's Christmas ball. Find all the mistletoe you can and be disgustingly obvious in your devotion.”

“You honestly think something so simpleminded would work?”

“Jimmy, look at me.” James did, and saw that Sirius had a hand on his heart and an expression on his face that was completely solemn.

“Jimmy,” he repeated. “That `simpleminded' trick, as you so callously put it, got me out of three arranged marriages. Three.”

James regarded Sirius suspiciously.

“Your first engagement was when you were ten.”

“And dear, sweet Alice--formerly of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, currently married to Frank Longbottom--got me out of it. Lovely girl, kissed me no less than fifteen times in the span of half an hour. She hated me, too.”

“No wonder they blasted you off the family tree, you womanizing prick.”

“Call me what you want, if you don't want to marry Adele, that's the only way to go about it.”

“Well, it won't work,” James said after a moment's thought, “because Lily isn't going home for Christmas.”

“Why?”

“Her family's bonkers, that's why.”

“So's your family. I see the problem.”

“Yeah. So…any other ideas?”

“I suppose you already struck down the idea of a howler?”

“Sirius, what good would a howler be with my mum?”

“Point taken. Er--I can't think of anything.” Sirius shrugged helplessly, and James felt something slip inside him. Sirius was rarely out of ideas, and if he couldn't think of anything now, when James needed him the most…it seemed that he should probably go downstairs and say goodbye to Lily right then.

“Hold on,” Sirius said, sitting up. “I could--but--damn, I don't want--”

“What?”

“I've got an idea, but I don't like it. I don't want to--never mind. Forget it.”

“Sirius.”

“But James--”

“Sirius, d'you want me to be married to Adele?”

“No, but--”

“I'll move to France and name my first born son Gay-Pierre. I swear I will.”

“Fine.” Sirius let out a sigh then said in a rush, “I'veboughtaflatandifwehavetoshecanstaythereoverChristmasholiday.”

“Where'd you get money to get a flat?”

“Uncle Alphard. The good chap who funded our broomsticks, if you'll recall.” Sirius spoke reluctantly, and it was clear that he did not want Lily in his flat. James, however, smiled.

“Is your flat far from my house?”

“What does it matter? She can apparate, can't she?”

“Yeah,” James said, laughing a little, “yeah, she can. And this works? You're sure snogging Lily in front of my mum'll get rid of the engagement?”

“It worked for me. Three times.”

“Yeah, it did.” James felt light and wanted to go downstairs and perhaps snog Lily right then, cigarettes on his breath or no. Then something occurred to him, and he frowned.

“Sirius?”

“Yeah?”

“I've never kissed Lily before. How am I supposed to snog her in front of my mum?”

“You're joking.”

“Er--no.”

James heard a noise that seemed to indicate that Sirius was hitting his head on something hard and wooden, like a headboard.

“Sirius?”

“James, you are the most pathetic creature I've ever had the misfortune to meet. You'll never have redheaded children because you two will be virgins the rest of your long and miserable lives.”

“No, I--”

“Do you realize that Peter has gone farther than you?”

James had to stare, slack jawed at Sirius for a whole minute before he could think of a response to that.

“He and Marlene've probably--they've probably been going out longer than--”

“Two weeks longer than you and Lily. And they're shagging like rabbits in broom closets, empty classrooms…everywhere!” There was pain in every syllable, as though Sirius was imagining stumbling upon them while they were at it.

“How the hell do you know this?”

“I talk to Remus when you're busy trying to drown yourself in the shower.”

James made a mental note that Remus knew everything and that he really ought to talk to him more often. Of course, now he'd been given the image of Peter and Marlene shagging…it was too much. He shook his head.

“D'you fancy the idea of finding out what she sees in him?” Sirius asked. “I always thought I was just good with women, but if she's with him, it's proof that Hogwarts girls are desperate.”

“Look, can you do this later?” James asked, feeling annoyed. “How the hell am I supposed to do this?”

“You could try talking to your bloody girlfriend, for one thing.”

James got up and became conscious of his smoky smell. He winced, imagining what sort of snogging Lily would want to be doing with him.

“You know a charm that could get rid of a smell?”

“Not a charm, mate. It's called a shower.”

“Thanks,” James said sarcastically.

“Hey, listen,” Sirius said, sitting up, “I think you owe me, considering all the wonderful advice I give you--”

James snorted. He didn't exactly consider Sirius's advice `wonderful'.

“Shut it, Potter. You owe me for letting your girlfriend stay in my flat, so the least you can do is help me with one prank.”

“Now?”

“Yeah. I never pranked Lily properly--haven't really pulled any pranks this year, actually.” Sirius paused for a moment, considering this and looking troubled.

“So what d'you propose we do?”

“Well, I was thinking…” Sirius began to explain his plan to James, and James felt that old feeling of excitement before breaking the rules that he'd thought had disappeared.

***

“James, dear,” Lily said two hours later, approaching him in the common room. “You wouldn't have any idea about who cursed the girl's toilets, now, would you?”

James looked up from his NEWT exercises innocently.

“What do you mean, love?”

“It would seem that someone--or several someones--” She paused and aimed a pointed glance at Sirius, who was positioned several feet away, “decided that they would curse every toilet in every girl's bathroom in the entire school.”

James put on a look of concern.

“Shocking.”

“I know,” Lily said. “And would you believe that not one boy's toilet is going around telling everyone who used it today? Not even one.”

“Terrible.”

“And you have no idea who did it?”

“Lily, I'm hurt. Why would you even insinuate such a thing?”

“Silly, I know,” Lily said smiling. She bent down and leaned very close to him, and he thought for a brief second that she might give him a kiss on the cheek, but then she whispered in his ear, “You forgot your invisibility cloak in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, love.”

James grinned sheepishly, and was hugely relieved to see that Lily didn't look upset. On the contrary, she was grinning widely at him, so he had enough courage to ask,

“Did you get it?”

She opened up her bag, and he could see the silver cloth sparkling within.

“Thank you.” James stroked her hair lovingly, and her wide smile faded into a gentle, blissful one.

“You're not going to take off points, then?”

“I have no idea who did it, remember?”

“Seriously,” James said. “You're not mad?”

“James, I'm not going to tell you off for some silly prank. It didn't hurt anyone.”

“I need to talk to you about something.” James didn't want to tell her, as he was enjoying their playful, simple happiness.

“Which is never a good sign,” Lily said, her smile disappearing. “So many good things have been ruined with that sentence, you know.”

“I don't--well, yeah, it's not good, but--er--I hope it won't be bad, really.” James hadn't been nervous around Lily since before they had started dating, and he was instantly reminded at how much he hated it.

“Alright.” Lily stood up straight and sat down next to him on the couch. “What is it?”

“Lily, my er--well, I've gotten a letter--several letters really, from my mum, and er--well, it's just--”

“Just say it, really quick,” she said gently.

“I'm going to be engaged.” For a moment the world seemed to go silent, as his words seemed to echo.

“Wait--what?” Lily's face had gone paler than usual, but she had a tiny smile on her face. “Like engaged to be married?”

“Er--yeah.”

“To who? What? How can you--”

“Look, my mum knows this girl, this bitch named Adele, and she and Adele's mum have decided that me and Adele are going to be married, only we've never met and I don't want to be engaged to her because I--” He stopped for a moment, then said hesitantly, “I like you too much. And I only found out yesterday, so it's not like--I haven't been lying to you.” Sirius had warned him to include that, in case Lily thought he'd been purposely tricking her.

Lily stared for a full two minutes that seemed to stretch on for eternity before she said,

“And how serious is being engaged in the wizarding world? I mean--once they decide, does it usually--do they usually get married?”

“Most of the time.”

Lily looked down at her hands, then up at him. For a moment they just stared at each other, before Lily said, quietly,

“Please don't get married. I know it's terribly selfish, but--please, don't.” Slowly she leaned towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face into his chest. He let her stay there a minute before he gently grabbed her forearms and pulled her off of him.

“I talked to Sirius about it, and he has something that--I mean, it might sound really stupid, but--” Suddenly it sounded like the stupidest idea in the world. It sounded like something that some hormonally driven teenage boy would come up with--`snog me so that I don't marry someone else'. He didn't want to tell her now, because he was afraid of what she might think.

“James, you'd better tell me.” Her voice had a dangerous tone that brought back the memory of her mother warning him not to curse in her kitchen.

“Alright, this'll sound dumb, but Sirius said it got him out of three engagements.” He sighed, then continued,

“He said if I bring you to the Christmas ball with me and--er--if we snog, then it'll convince my mum to break off the engagement.”

Lily stared at him.

“He wasn't joking?”

“Er--frighteningly enough, no.”

Lily shook her head.

“It figures.”

“Hey, does that bother you? Because, I mean--if it does, I can do something else, I can run away or hex Adele so bad that she runs screaming back to France, or…or…” Those ideas, which had wildly crossed his mind before, now seemed brilliant in comparison with this stupid plan. He was terrified that Lily would say no and tell him she didn't want to have anything more to do with him, or worse, that she would say yes and then break up with him because he'd pressured her into it.

“The only problem is that I'm not going home for Christmas.”

“Sirius said you could stay in his flat,” James said quickly. “And I mean, it's not pervy, Sirius'll be at my house, and I'll visit you every day and if it bothers you, you can go back to Hogwarts early and celebrate Christmas here, or--” James stopped, because he realized he was not only rambling, but his voice was getting increasingly higher with every word.

“James,” Lily took his face into her hands and looked up at him seriously. “Do you realize how many worse punishments there are in this world than snogging your boyfriend?”

“Well, I didn't--”

“You didn't want to go too fast. You know you're the sweetest person I know, right?”

James felt guilty for some reason, as though he had deceived her into thinking that he was sweet. To relieve his conscience, he said,

“I smoked four cigarettes today.”

Lily frowned a little.

“Oh. You do know that it's terrible, and--” She stopped when she saw how guilty he looked. She sighed and slid her hands down from his face and to his hands.

“I just don't want you to hurt yourself. You mean more to me than anyone.”

“I'm sorry.”

“I don't want to say it's alright, but it is. If I smoked, I'd probably have smoked today, too.”

“Does this mean I don't get a kiss now?”

“Will it sound ridiculous if I ask for just a little more time?”

“No.” And it didn't, somehow. He found that just the promise of knowing that she would someday, that she was willing to, was good enough for the time being. He didn't know if he was supposed to be frustrated, but the smile she gave him made him glad that he wasn't.

“Did you know that Marlene and Peter are shagging?” James asked suddenly. Lily gave him a disgusted look.

“Was that really necessary, James?”

“Thought it might be something you didn't know. A real conversation starter.”

“It can't be true. They haven't been dating long enough.”

“Ho ho. So you did know about them!”

Lily rolled her eyes.

“Marlene made me promise not to tell, and I'm not going to go about discussing such matters Peter's dorm-mates.”

“Who he neglected to tell any of this to.”

“So how in the world did you hear they were shagging?”

“Remus.”

Lily groaned, which told James that she believed it if it came from him. He really did need to talk to him more often.

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24. Scolding and a Kiss

Chapter 24: Scolding and a Kiss

As they were trudging through the snow toward the horseless carriages, Lily paused.

“Remus.”

“What about him?” James asked. He was slightly preoccupied, trying to imagine what it would be like to meet Adele. He was determined to hate her, and was already certain he'd keep Lily close at all times. He didn't want to be alone with Adele or his mum for one second.

“He's not staying with you for Christmas?”

“No.”

“Why? Is it—oh, it's full moon, isn't it?”

“Wha—oh.” James had forgotten for a moment that Lily knew about Remus, and was relieved that he didn't have to lie to her about it.

“Yeah. I wanted to invite him, but…” He trailed off.

“When's the full moon, exactly?”

“Christmas.”

“The actual day?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, poor Remus,” Lily said, looking sad. Unconsciously, James put an arm around her, not realizing that he'd done so until she put an arm around his waist. They began to walk again, just like that.

“How about Peter?” she asked.

“Going home. His mum makes him come home for every holiday. She gets upset when he's away too long.”

“Separation anxiety.”

“Yeah.”

She was quiet for a moment, before she said,

“I'm really happy Sirius offered me his flat. It's really, really nice of him.”

“Mm. Yeah.” There was no way in hell James would tell her the struggle Sirius had put up. Even yesterday, Sirius had begged James to just have her in his house.

“I forgot, I was going to have a giant party at my flat, I don't think she'd like it if she was there,” he'd said at the time.

James had known Sirius was lying, and wondered at how the same person who had suggested he snog Lily to get his mum off his back couldn't stand the thought of her staying in his flat.

“Jamie!” came a call from far behind him. “Jamie, darling, wait for me!”

James froze. Though he knew that falsetto voice anywhere, he was disturbed at how much it also sounded like his mother. Lily smiled when she heard it.

“Jamie,” she muttered under her breath, as though testing it out. From the wicked grin on her face, James could only guess she enjoyed saying it a good deal.

“Jamie!” came the voice again. A second later, he had a hand messing up his hair that was most certainly not Lily's.

“Sirius,” James said, “what the hell d'you think you're playing at?”

“Jamie, what do you think you're playing at? I'm hurt. Ev--Lily, do you see how he talks to me?”

Lily raised her eyebrows at being addressed by him, though she said coolly,

“Yes, I know. Most uncivil.”

James rounded on her.

“What? You're siding with him?”

Lily smiled, but didn't say anything.

“See James? No matter how hard you work a few words from me and she's mine. Not even your bloody love letters can compete with the Black charm.”

“Love letters?” James asked, just as Lily asked him, “You wrote love letters?”

“Yes, dear, he has,” Sirius said to Lily. “Poor bugger, he's a lost cause.”

“I did not!”

“At least not yet. Lily'll find them stuffed under her pillow any day now.”

Lily shook her head at both of them.

“You're both ridiculous,” she said. “I'm going to share a carriage with Marlene. See you on the train, Jamie.” She gave James a hug and a quick peck on the cheek, then gave Sirius a friendly wave before seeking out the other girl. Sirius shivered.

“That's the girl who shagged Peter, isn't it? Marlene?”

“Er—yeah.”

“I still don't get it. I can't believe it.” Sirius and James exchanged matching looks. Neither of them had dared approach Peter about it—as long as they didn't, they could pretend it wasn't true. They had come to this decision by a silent agreement.

“Poor Remmy,” Sirius sighed. “All alone on Christmas.”

“You did not just call him Remmy.”

“Why not? I call you Jamie. Which apparently turns your girlfriend on.”

“You have no idea what turns my girlfriend on,” James said, blushing. It just sounded odd to him to be discussing such a thing, especially with Sirius.

“Like you do?”

“Look, can we not talk about this?”

“Well, Jimmy, what would you like to talk about?” Sirius's voice was mockingly interested, as though anything that James said would be brilliant.

“How about you and Lily? What was all that bullshit?”

“Pish posh. Our love is deep and complicated, and at the same so very simple that it's—”

“Stuff it.” They both climbed into their carriage. “One minute you're calling her Yoko, the next you're going on about how she ought to be pregnant by now.” It was something that James had wondered for a while. He didn't really understand what Sirius's motives were, which confused him because Sirius was like a part of him, his brother. It bothered him, but from Sirius's expression, he was the only one who was concerned. Sirius laughed and said,

“Are you upset because she called you uncivil? I think that's what it is.”

“I don't give a rat's arse if she calls me uncivil.”

“McKinnon likes rat's arses.”

“Sirius, shut up!” James said, kicking him. “D'you have to be so disgusting?”

“Not my fault. They're the disgusting ones.”

“Whatever. Do you like Lily or not?”

“What is this like Lily business? What does it matter if I like her? You're the one who has to deal with her.”

“I have to deal with you too.”

“Fat lot of good you do. All you do is talk about her.”

“Sirius, you're not—you're not jealous, are you?” It sounded so stupid that it was exactly the sort of thing Sirius would do. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“God, James, I'm not in love with you!” Though he looked flippant, something in his voice was annoyed, as though he was frustrated that James couldn't figure out what the real reason for his resentment was. This in turn made James frustrated.

“Then stop acting like a jealous girlfriend, eh?”

James could see that this had been the wrong thing to say. Sirius's eyes flashed, and he said darkly,

“You bastard, you think you're so bloody special that I'd be jealous that you got a girlfriend?”

“You don't—holy hell, you don't fancy Lily, do you?” It was the first time that James had seriously considered it, and it caused all the muscles in his body to clench. If Sirius said yes, his world would shatter. He just wouldn't be able to handle it.

“Hell, no!” Sirius said loudly, and James let out a sigh he hadn't known he'd been holding.

“Well, then—” But James never got to finish his sentence, because at that moment they reached the train station.

“Mate, I don't fancy your girlfriend,” Sirius reassured him more nicely, as though the carriage's stop had sent a jolt of kindness through him. “I don't want to see you hurt when you realize she's not all sunshine and unicorns, is all.”

“I don't think she's sunshine and unicorns,” James said, frowning. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Whatever you say, Jim. Oh, God.” Sirius had carelessly glance out the window and was now staring out through the glass transfixed. James followed his gaze and recoiled. Marlene and Peter were snogging, and it looked extremely uncomfortable, perhaps because she was at least three inches taller than him.

“Enough is enough,” Sirius muttered. “I'm saying something. Are you coming?”

“Yeah, sure.” James didn't want to say anything. He just wanted them to stop. He clambered out of the carriage after Sirius and trailed after him.

“Oy! Wormtail!”

Peter hastily broke away from Marlene, turning red.

“Oh. Hi, Sirius.” He looked nervous, and James noticed that Marlene was now stroking his hand comfortingly, as though she knew what he was in for and hoped to make it easier for him.

“Oh. Hi, Peter,” Sirius mimicked, glaring. “When exactly did you intend to tell us you'd gotten yourself a shagging mate?”

James thought this was harsh, especially since Marlene was standing right there. He was about to say something, and Peter looked like he was going to as well, but it was Marlene herself who spoke up first.

“Excuse me?” she asked. “Where do you get off, calling me a shagging mate? Last time I checked, you were shagging fifth years.”

James felt his jaw drop, and he could have sworn almost everyone who was watching did the same. Marlene had always seemed shy and meek, even by her best friend Hestia's account. Now, however, she looked extremely intimidating.

“I—I—” Sirius was clearly surprised as well, and Marlene continued before he could gather his thoughts.

“I'm tired of you picking on Peter,” she said. “You're terrible to him, and he always puts up with it because he thinks you're his friends. You're the most terrible friends I've ever heard of! Who in their right minds talks to someone like you talk to Peter?”

James was surprised that she referred to `friends' instead of `friend'—surely she was only talking about Sirius? But then she rounded on James, and he knew he was in for it.

“I'm especially surprised at you, James,” she said. “You're always so nice to me, and you're wonderful to Lily. But as a friend to Peter, you're just pathetic. If I were you, I'd dump this loser and gain a spine.” She pointed at Sirius to show who she meant when she said `this loser'. At this point, Peter grabbed her hand and whispered something in her ear. She nodded and, after a contemptuous look at both of them, she turned on her heel and trailed behind Peter.

“I—what the hell,” Sirius sputtered. James could tell by his expression that he was conflicted, wrought with anger and guilt and surprise all at once. He felt something similar, but he couldn't help thinking that perhaps she was right. He felt someone touch his arm, and he looked down at Lily.

“Did you hear what she said?” he asked her.

“Yes, and I'm not going to say a word about it.”

James nodded, feeling even guiltier. He took the hand that Lily casually held out to him and looked at Sirius. Sirius still looked shocked, but he numbly walked alongside them. Finally, once they had found an empty compartment, he said,

“Sort of funny how Peter's girlfriend has to stand up for him, isn't it? I mean, where does she get off, saying—”

“But it's not funny,” Lily said matter-of-factly. “She's only saying what Peter's been saying to her for weeks.”

Sirius looked pissed, but he didn't say anything else.

When the train pulled into the station, Sirius stood up.

“Come on,” he said heavily. “Let's fetch Wormtail and his spokeswoman, shall we?”

James watched Sirius wearily, but he stood up, Lily following suit. They found Peter and Marlene, thankfully not in a compromising situation, and they headed toward the exit.

“James,” Lily whispered. “Hold on a second.”

James did, and Sirius, Peter, and Marlene were so immersed in themselves and their awkwardness that they didn't notice. James saw that Lily looked nervous, and since she had seemed almost at ease on the way to King's Cross Station, he was confused as to what could suddenly be bothering her. They went into Peter and Marlene's compartment, and he watched as she wrung her hands and looked up at him despairingly.

“What is it?” he asked. He, too, was feeling nervous—after all, in a few minutes he'd come face to face with his intended fiancée and his mother, who he'd later openly defy in front of the whole wizarding world. Though he knew it was right and he was completely willing to do it, it was still nerve-wracking.

“Er—um.” James didn't think he'd seen Lily so awkward in a long time. She reminded him of himself and how he often felt when he spoke to her, and he felt an outpouring of warmth toward her.

“If it's about my mum, it's alright, I—”

“No, it's not—well, it is, but—er—” Suddenly, her arms were around his neck and her lips pressed hastily to his. His eyes widened, and for a moment he couldn't move, as a curious nervous, excited sensation ran through his fingers and up through his arms, seizing control of his stomach. Her lips stayed firmly on his for a quick moment, and by the time his mind regained some function, she had pulled back, blushing.

“I just…” She smiled sheepishly at him and said, “I wanted my first kiss to happen before we were trying to…I didn't want our first kiss to be to spite your mum.”

James's mind was a blur, and he couldn't think of anything to say. He opened his mouth and some words came out that didn't seem to him to make a logical sentence, but Lily nodded and put a hand on his face.

“I'm sorry,” she said softly. “I should have asked you, or at least warned you that I was going to—goodness James, you aren't upset are you?”

“Upset?” James asked in a strangled voice. He blinked once, twice, then grasped her shoulders.

“Did you want to do that again?” he asked her. Her eyes widened.

“What?”

“Again. I was floundering about like an idiot and I want another shot at it.”

She smiled, and he smiled back, and then she did it again. And James knew that this time, he wasn't floundering about at all.

***

Adele was beautiful and petite and could not speak a word of English.

James stared, not quite sure what to do. He and Lily had reluctantly parted, both of them pointedly ignoring how his mother was glaring at them, and now he was stuck with a girl who had said “'Allo,” then promptly shut her mouth.

“So how was school, Jimmy?” his mother said, as though he came home from it every day. He rolled his eyes and said churlishly,

“Fine.”

Adele began to wring her hands awkwardly not unlike how Lily had a few minutes earlier, and James felt bad for her. He wasn't about to be nice to her—that would only encourage his mother—but he decided to try and save the brunt of his rudeness for his mother.

“Where's Sirius?” his mother asked, pulling out her wand in preparation for disapparating. Sirius was helping Lily get to his flat, which was in London, but James didn't want to mention Lily to his mother until she couldn't do anything about her coming to the Christmas Ball. So he said, nonchalantly,

“He's dropping some things off at his flat.” He turned away from his mother and saw that Adele had turned a peculiar shade of red.

“Sirius?” she whispered confidentially to him when his mother had disapparated. “Il est tres beau!”

James didn't know much French, but he knew when someone liked Sirius more than him. For once, he couldn't have been happier about it.

Author's Note: Keep an eye out for chapter 25! It's coming soon!

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25. Bubbles and Love

Chapter 25: Bubbles and Love

James stared at the wall before him, surprised that he hadn't died of boredom. He was sitting in his bedroom, back against his door, trying to pretend that he didn't hear his mother and Adele in the next room discussing what she would wear to the Christmas ball.

What he really wanted to do was to just tell them everything; `Sorry, Mum, but I've already got a girlfriend, and she speaks English.'

Sirius, perhaps having sensed this, had pulled him aside the moment they had gotten home.

“I'm warning you,” he'd said solemnly, “if you ever want to see Evans again, you should shut your mouth for once.”

At the time, James had not understood what Sirius meant by `for once', but now, two days later, he was beginning to. If it was up to him, he would have blurted out the truth, yelled at his mum, and perhaps stormed off. But instead he was there, while Sirius got to be at his flat with Lily. James smiled at the thought of Lily. Somehow, he could already picture her at his mother's ball, dressed in elegant dress robes and proving every prejudice of his mother's completely unfounded. It was funny that it was easy to do that—slip the comfortable, sweet Lily into an elegant role. He didn't suppose that there was any other girl in the world that he would actually care about how she'd look at the ball, but then again, this wasn't just a girl. This was—

His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp rapping on the window. He craned his head to see Sirius's owl pecking at it. He couldn't help getting nervous; Sirius hated owling.

James opened the window, and the owl perched on the windowsill and thrust his leg at him. He pulled the note off his leg, and found not Sirius's scrawl, but Lily's significantly neater writing.

James,

Sirius has gotten terribly ill, I don't know what's wrong, he's vomiting but it's not normal, it's actually quite worrisome and it's…I'm rambling terribly, but he wants you to come, please. Would love to see you, Love!

-L

James couldn't help feeling pleased. Sirius being sick didn't bother him very much, but seeing Lily…he hadn't even been able to mention her for the past two days, and he had begun to realize just how many times his words and thoughts turned to her. He reread the letter, and couldn't help thinking it was cute how she had signed it simply L. Though he knew it was most likely because she didn't want his mother to know who it was if she read it, it had a familiar tone that he liked.

He opened the door and shouted into the room next door,

“Mum, Sirius is sick. Going to visit him.”

“Oh, dear, I hope he's alright,” she said, not coming out. “Send him my love, darling.”

“Whatever, Mum.” He rolled his eyes and hastened outside to disapparate.

When James finally managed to find the flat (no easy task, as he lived in a building that looked exactly like the twenty buildings around it), he opened the already unlocked door and knew at once that something was definitely wrong. Multicolored bubbles issued from the flat. Giant, sparkling bubbles that smelled distinctly of lavender.

“It's James!” James heard Lily say happily. He fought his way in, several bubbles popping in the process, and, closing the door, he could not believe his eyes. There, sitting on the floor, were Lily and Sirius, each holding large plastic buckets and wands with loops in the top.

“Lily?” James asked uncertainly. “Are you—is Sirius—”

“Told you he'd get his knickers in a twist,” said Sirius, blowing a large green bubble nonchalantly.

“He's fine, James,” Lily said. “Sirius said that we should ask you to come, and the only way we could get you without your mum getting angry was to…well, to tell a bit of a lie.”

“Well, I was ill,” Sirius corrected her. “I got that one red bubble in my mouth, and it was just horrid…” He trailed off, and James was shocked to hear Lily letting out real, lighthearted laughter. He couldn't help feeling wildly jealous. Here he was, having to sit at home miserably, as Sirius got to blow bubbles with Lily. It should have been he who got to make Lily laugh, not Sirius. He frowned, and said, in a surly voice,

“Well, it looks as though you were having a good time. Don't let me interrupt.” He turned away, but he heard a shuffling noise, and in an instant Lily's thin arms were wrapped tightly around him.

“Don't leave, dear,” she said quietly. “I've missed you.”

James looked down at Lily and couldn't resist a grin. She had a wide-eyed, pleading expression, and before he'd even thought about it he had his arm around her shoulders and his lips in her hair.

“Oh, God,” Sirius groaned. “You're ruining the fun, you bastard. Told you we shouldn't invite him.”

Lily moved her arms up around his neck, and the next thing he knew, she had pressed her lips quickly against his. It was only for a second, but James's lips burned pleasantly, and a huge grin spread over his face.

“Everything seems alright to me,” he said thickly. “Don't know what you're complaining about.”

“Eurgh.” Sirius shook his head and blew fiercely at a bubble, which grew to the size of his head.

“Sirius told me that you and he had these sorts of bubbles when you were little,” Lily said, pulling away from James and stroking his cheek fondly. “I wanted to see what sort of things you did when you were little.”

James grabbed her other hand, the one that wasn't on his face, and pressed it in his own. He didn't know how he could have felt so upset before; everything just seemed so bright and wonderful all of a sudden.

He sat on the floor between Lily and Sirius, and Sirius somehow managed to pull out a third plastic bucket for him. James blew a bubble, and at once memories came flooding back that he hadn't seen in years. He had forgotten how he used to spend hours on end blowing the bubbles in his room when he was lonely. He had liked them because they smelled like his mother, and when he blew them he'd felt closer to his parents.

“How'd you know I used to use these?” James asked Sirius, his voice sounding a bit odder than he would have liked. “You and I weren't friends then.”

“We all did,” Sirius said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “All the pureblood kiddies had these. Even I had them.”

Lily watched the bubbles float in the air, her expression serene.

“They're beautiful,” she sighed. “They're like lovely, giant ornaments.” She continued to watch them for a moment, and then her face took on an odd, tight expression.

“Would you like some tea, boys?” she asked suddenly. James sensed at once that she was upset, but he knew, instinctively, that nothing he could say would help. Something told him that she would be better off alone.

“Sure,” James lied, just as Sirius said the same thing. The two boys glanced at each other, and Lily seemed relieved.

“Alright.” She hurried off to the kitchen.

“Well, that's odd,” James said, “you're usually much more of a twat than that.”

Sirius gave him a dark look.

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“You know what I mean. What's going on?”

Sirius shook his head.

“Can't help but feel bad for her,” he said. “She keeps getting upset over her mum. Can't seem to get over it.”

“Yeah.” James felt helpless. He'd thought that Lily was making progress, and now, it seemed, all that progress had been imaginary. He would have given anything to make things better, but he didn't think there was really anything more he could do.

“She was crying when I came,” Sirius said quietly, glancing at the kitchen. “I gave her some of these bubbles to cheer her up. Thought inviting you would help, too.”

“Yeah.” James swallowed a lump in his throat and looked around, being able to see the flat around him better without all of the bubbles still floating around. It was not at all bad—the paint on the walls was peeling, and the furniture was worn, but overall it seemed clean and tidy. James knew that that could not be Sirius's doing, and he suspected Lily had been occupying herself with cleaning.

“Tea!” Lily said cheerfully. She carried a saucer with a teacup on it to Sirius first, then ran back into the kitchen and fetched one for James. She sat back down and, putting her feet on his legs, she watched him eagerly.

“How is it?” she asked.

James took a sip and struggled not to choke. It was terrible; it wasn't warm enough, and whatever tea leaves she'd used had a funny taste. James swallowed it and grinned, hoping that he was pulling off a convincingly happy face.

“Wonderful,” he said.

“Oh, James,” Lily sighed, giving James a big hug, “you're the worst liar in the world. I love you.”

James hugged her back, kissing her head, but a sharp pain in his upper arm caused him to pull away from Lily abruptly. Looking around wildly, James could see that it had been Sirius who had elbowed him.

“I've got to talk to James for a moment, Evans,” Sirius said, his voice joking though his eyes were solemn.

“Should I be jealous?” Lily asked teasingly. Sirius didn't answer him, instead pulling James into another room with him. This room was much messier and smaller than the front room had been, which lead James to believe that it was Sirius's.

“Did you hear that?” Sirius hissed.

“Hear what? If it's rats, I don't want to know. I was just starting to think your flat was nice.”

“James, why are you so stupid?” Sirius hissed. “She said she fucking loved you!”

James felt a swelling in his chest, but he heard himself saying stupidly,

“Well that's impossible. She'd never say the word `fucking'.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Sirius cried, throwing up his hands. “You've been dating a month and she says she loves you? And you don't mind?”

“Well of course I mind,” James said, still feeling odd, “but it doesn't—it doesn't bother me.”

“Doesn't—doesn't bother you?” Sirius looked as though he might explode. “She said love! That's not something casual that you say to your next door neighbor! You—it—”

“I—well, I—” James felt a little nervous, but there was such an extraordinary roaring in his ears, and his heart felt like it was doing jumping jacks in his stomach and his throat, and he couldn't tell if he was going to start giggling nervously or vomit all over the floor. But whatever it was that was going on, he couldn't imagine hating it, because at the same time it was so very pleasant.

“Well, Lily was my neighbor,” James said, “but she's my girlfriend now, and she doesn't live in the neighbor's house anymore, and I—I suppose it's alright. That she's said it, I mean.”

Now Sirius looked ill.

“Please,” he said quietly, “tell me you don't love her.”

James started to feel acutely uncomfortable.

“Sirius,” he began nervously, “you don't fancy me do you?”

“For the love of Merlin, James, I don't fucking fancy you!” Sirius kicked the wall behind him in frustration, and his foot made a hole in the wall as easily as if it had been made of paper.

“Shit,” Sirius said. He pulled his wand out of his back pocket and fixed the hole.

“Lily's out there all by herself,” James said. “She might start getting depressed again.” Having realized that she was in love with him made him want to sit next to her and be with her for days and weeks in perfect solitude, taking pleasure in basking in the glow of her affection. It made him unbelievably happy when he thought of it.

“Just tell me, quick, if you love her.”

James honestly didn't see how it mattered to Sirius. But something was so pleading in his expression, and he was in such a daze, that his mouth opened and said, almost completely of its own accord,

“I suppose I do.”

Sirius sat down on the floor, aghast.

“James, you don't know what you're saying.”

Something about that made James annoyed. He supposed that he knew his own emotions well enough to judge himself.

“How do you know?”

“You're eighteen. You've been dating a month. You haven't even snogged.”

“Yeah, we have,” James said defensively.

He didn't like that the points Sirius was making were ones that he imagined an adult making, and he didn't like that normally they were convincing statements that he would have agreed with. But could there be any word that could describe the feeling in his chest now other than love? `Fancy' was not strong enough, and `lust' couldn't be it, because he didn't exactly want to ravish Lily. `Well,” he thought, `maybe a little'. But mostly it was simply wanting to be with her all the time and to learn everything there was about her, and to never, ever have to feel that there was the slightest chance that anyone else could get her.

“You can't,” Sirius said firmly. “I know about women and how they work, and in a month you'll hate her.”

“Look,” James said, “just because you haven't had a girlfriend for over a month doesn't mean I can't.”

Sirius laughed disbelievingly. All of a sudden, James couldn't believe that this was the person he'd been taking advice on girls from for all these years.

“I'm going back in there,” James said, heading to the door, “and I'm going to tell her. That—that I love her.” It sounded nice. He could say it again, and he almost wished that Sirius would ask him to repeat himself so that he could.

“You can't,” Sirius repeated.

“Believe what you want,” James said, shrugging. He opened the door and went back to the living room, where Lily was now sitting on a couch thoughtfully.

“Lily,” he began, “I—” He couldn't say a word. The phrase which had come so easily to him not a minute before was now backed up in his throat, and he almost felt like crying from frustration. Why now, when Sirius was right behind him, waiting for him not to say it?

“I—God, why can't I—I—”

“James,” she said gently.

“No, one minute, I can—”

“James, I heard every word you and Sirius said. You really should tell him not to kick through walls. It's rather unhealthy, I imagine.”

“Oh,” James said, “you did.”

“Well, it's quite alright if you changed your mind from there to here. And if it bothers you we can just pretend I never said it. I didn't mean to say it. It just came out.”

James felt his heart begin to sink.

“You didn't mean it?”

“No, I didn't.” Lily smiled sweetly at him. “I just—oh no, sorry, sorry, I didn't mean—what I meant to say was I didn't—I didn't mean to say it, but I did mean it. Unless you've decided now that it upsets you. Which then, I'm really sorry.” Her smile disappeared, replaced with utter anguish. James hated it, and he felt the need to alleviate it as quickly as possible.

“I meant what I said in there,” James said, happy that he was able to get those words out. “And I—I l-love—”

“It's alright if you say it,” Lily whispered, clasping her knees to her chest. “You can always change your mind later. How do you feel right now? That's all I care about.”

“Right now?” James croaked. He knew how he felt right now; nervous. He wanted to banish Sirius to a distant land so he would no longer be witnessing this conversation. He wanted the whole world to go away because this was the only place in the world that he felt promised something nice for him at any time in the future.

“Right now, I love you.” It was so easy to say, because right now it was true. It was the truest thing that he could think of. Lily unfolded herself and got off the couch, then put her arms around him, burying her head in his chest.

“I love you so much,” she sobbed, and James realized that she had begun to cry again. “You're—” She continued to speak, but James couldn't understand her.

“What was that?” he asked softly. She looked up, tears shining on her face that had just begun to turn red and swollen.

“You're the only person in the world that I love,” she said. “And I've loved you since I met you, and you don't know how—” she seemed to choke on the words that she said, but she pressed on determinedly, “how much it means that you—thank you for loving me. No matter how stupid that sounds.” She laughed self consciously, but it made perfect sense to him. Not why she was thanking him; he didn't think he was worthy of thanking. But he wanted to thank her, and he wanted to kiss her. He did the latter, and she smiled into his mouth.

“I love you,” he said when they broke apart. And he didn't just mean it for `right now', but he hoped that he would feel the same way forever. All of the silly things that people said and did when it came to love made such perfect sense now, and he felt that he had been let in on a giant secret that he had barely known existed. He sat down on the couch, pulling her into an embrace as he did, and she happily complied.

After what felt like a second but could have been forever, Lily pulled away from him.

“Where's Sirius?” she asked. James turned behind him, remembering that his friend was supposed to be standing there, but he was gone. James found himself only caring a little, and he didn't feel bad about it.

“Oh, goodness,” Lily said, looking at a silver watch she had on her wrist. “James, you have to go. Your mum will worry.”

“Yeah, right,” James snorted.

“No, really, go. I'll see you tomorrow night. I don't want you getting in trouble.” She pushed him away to reemphasize how much she wanted him to go.

He gave her a final, decisive kiss, then regretfully left, popping a lone magenta colored bubble as he went. He almost couldn't disapparate, because it was a difficult thing to do when it felt as though the ground you walked on was made of clouds.

***

“Jamie?” called his mother when he'd almost managed to slip into his room. “How's Sirius?”

“Wha—oh, he's doing better.” James had almost forgotten the pretense under which he had gone to the flat in the first place.

“Come here,” she said gleefully, “I want you to see the lovely robes we've found for Adele for the ball.”

James never wanted to see Adele again, but he was in such a blissful mood that he did not want to spoil it by arguing. Reluctantly he went into the room, and saw that Adele did indeed look lovely, at least from the neck down. Her robes were ice blue with lace trim around the waist and cuffs, which suited her perfectly. However, her hair had been pinned up in an impossibly high fashion, and her makeup was too severe; it almost succeeded in hiding her beautiful Veela charm entirely. It was not that he wanted her to look nice; on the contrary, he wanted her to look as terrible as possible when she was inevitably compared to Lily the next night. But he couldn't help being a little unnerved at how she almost looked like a younger version of his mother.

“Er,” he said hesitantly. “It's…nice.”

“Is that all you can say?” his mother asked, as though expecting thunderous applause and reverence for her hard work.

“Er—yes?”

“Very well,” she said, waving her hand in dismissal. “Go…go pick out some dress robes or something.”

James hurried out, smiling so much that he felt as though his face would crack in half.

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26. A Second Yellow Dress and a Battle

Chapter 26: A Second Yellow Dress and a Battle

The next afternoon, as James was pulling on his dress robes, there was a knock on his bedroom door. He glanced up and, seeing that the door was already being opened, he assumed it was Sirius. A second later he was proved right; Sirius stormed in, already dressed and looking effortlessly charming. He was also angry, but James chose not to notice.

“Haven't seen you since yesterday,” James remarked. “You've been snogging one of mum's maids again?”

“You,” Sirius said, pointing his finger at him, “I—sit down.” He said it in an imperious way, and James was reminded, as he occasionally was, that his best friend had been raised to be the next leader of the Black family. He was also reminded why he'd hated Sirius before they'd started going to Hogwarts. The way he was staring down his nose at James made James want to hit him.

“Where d'you get off, telling me to sit down?”

“For the love of Merlin, I just told you to sit. I didn't tell you to bloody sacrifice your firstborn son.”

“It's the way you—you were—shut up.” James sat down on his bed, tugging on his dress robes so that they'd feel more comfortable. He knew that Sirius would never believe that he had acted like a Black. Once James had sat down, Sirius transfigured a trunk at the foot of James's bed into a chair and sat in it.

“I hope you plan on putting that right when you're done with it,” James said. “All of my Quidditch things are in there.”

“Look,” Sirius said, ignoring James's comment, “I want you to explain your relationship with Lily. Everything.”

“What?” James began to laugh. It was the last thing he would have expected Sirius to say.

“No, I'm serious—I mean—damn. Not a word, Potter.”

James had grinned widely, but he didn't say a thing. The joke had gotten old in their first year, but it was still funny how Sirius managed to forget that the word was taboo after all of these years.

“Either say `I'm not kidding' or call yourself Harry or something. Because I swear to God, you've got the stupidest name in the world.”

“Can't help that it's a fucking family name,” Sirius muttered. He shook his head, and then, realizing he'd been sidetracked, he glared at James.

“You've got to tell me.”

“Wha—oh. Why d'you care?”

“Oh, I don't know. Perhaps it's because you say you're in love with her. After a bleeding month.”

“Oh, you're still on about this, are you?” James stood up and walked to the door.

“It's not normal. I'm just—look, you're awfully naïve.”

“What?” James turned around, feeling more than a little annoyed. “Naïve?”

“If you think you're in love with the twit after a month, then yeah, I'd have to say you're a bit naïve.”

“First,” James said, breathing heavily through his nostrils, “Lily is not a twit. You're a twat. Second, don't ever call me naïve again if you don't want me to beat your face in.” James meant it. Naïve was a word you used for the thirteen year olds who went to church on Sundays and still didn't know the difference between a boy and a girl.

“I suppose you'll beat my face in the Muggle way? Oh, your girlfriend would go into raptures if she knew.”

James felt his jaw drop. He couldn't believe that this was his best friend talking.

“You bastard. I'll talk to you when you stop being a Black,” he said, trying not to let his anger get the best of him. He closed his eyes and breathed. In a moment he had to go fetch Lily, and he didn't fancy the idea of gaining or giving a black eye beforehand. Sirius opened his mouth, looking suddenly embarrassed, but James quickly left. He'd give Sirius more time to feel guilty, because at the moment he deserved it.

He dissaparated to the flat, and when he knocked on the door, Lily answered at once. She looked frustrated almost to the point of tears, and she buried her face in his chest.

“Thank God for you,” she sighed, stepping aside after a moment to let him in. “I was about to go mad, I've been alone all day and I'm not ready for your mum's party at all.”

Indeed, she was still dressed in muggle clothes and her hair was in a simple ponytail. James leaned down and gave her a kiss after she'd closed the door.

“It's alright,” he said. “It's not like I want us to be the first ones there anyway.”

“Your mum will worry.”

“Screw my mum.”

Lily looked James over appraisingly.

“You look handsome,” she murmured.

“You look beautiful.”

She turned red as she said it, and James found it funny that such a small compliment seemed to elicit such a reaction from her. At the same time, though, he knew he was blushing.

“Well, come here,” she said, tugging him into a bedroom hurriedly, “I need your help desperately.”

James looked around and saw that, judging from the clothes on the floor, it was the bedroom Lily had been staying in. He was surprised to see that it was messy; for some reason, he had expected it to be neater. After a moment he saw that she had brought him to see a yellow dress that was lying on the unmade bed. It was not the same yellow dress that she had charmed to blind him during the summer; it was a bit dressier, and it had silk sleeves that would go midway down the arm.

“That's nice,” he said, “where'd you get it?”

“It was Petty's and I got it from her. Mum—” she hesitated for a moment, then continued, “Mum had her give it to me last year when she got too tall for it. She dyed it yellow because she knew that it's my favorite color. It was pink before.” She grinned, no tears apparent in her eyes, and James was relieved.

“What's wrong with it?”

Lily stared at him, as though shocked he hadn't spotted it at once.

“James, it's a dress. A Muggle dress.”

“So? You're a muggleborn.” In spite of what he said, James knew what she meant. While dress robes and dresses were similar, there was still a marked difference between the dress before them and conventional dress robes.

“I can't go in a Muggle dress,” she whispered. “It sounds completely superficial, but I simply can't.”

“Why? You'll look great.”

“It's not—why, thank you—but it's not a matter of how pretty I look. It's…James, we're doing something really big tonight. I asked Marlene, so don't try to tell me it isn't. She told me engagements in the Wizarding world are basically contracts. We're going to—I mean, not to sound melodramatic, but what we're doing goes against everything in the marriage laws of wizards.”

James knew that everything Lily was saying was true, but he didn't see as much of the gravity to it as Lily did. He knew that he loved her and that he did not want to marry Adele. As far as he was concerned, that was all that really mattered, not some silly law.

“What're you saying?” James asked, frowning. “Are you—you don't want to? You want me to go through with the engagement?”

Lily gave James a gentle slap on the arm.

“How can you even say that?” she asked. “What I'm saying is that they—all of the people at the party—they're all going to look at Adele and me and compare us. I'd prefer them to have as little bad things to say about your choice of girl as possible. I'd hate for her to seem like a better choice because I'm so obviously muggleborn.”

James remembered something Lily had said a long time ago.

“But,” he said hesitantly, “you're proud of being muggleborn.”

Lily smiled.

“Of course I am. But I'm not going to let my pride stand in the way of being with you. Besides, I'm not renouncing being muggleborn.”

Seeing that James was still unsure, she ran into another room and came back toting a spellbook.

“Look,” she said, opening it to one page, “there's a spell right here that I think can do it. But I'm rotten at transfiguration. Please?” She gave him a pleading look, and James sighed.

“Alright.”

Lily laughed in delight, and she began to jump up and down.

“It'll be lovely, darling. Thank you so, so much.”

James looked over the page. He could see where Lily would have such a hard time with it; it required a rather difficult hand motion.

“Mutatio Ornatus,” James said, pulling out his wand and waving it experimentally. Nothing happened.

“Damn thing,” James muttered. “Mutatio Ornatus.”

The dress remained the same. Lily bit her lip.

“Well,” she began, “I suppose it wouldn't be the worst thing if I went wearing—”

“It's fine,” James said, annoyed, “just hold on a second.” He studied the picture of how the person was doing it. If he was not mistaken…

His eyes widened in horror. It wasn't just the wrist that had to move; it was the whole body. He squinted down at the page. Indeed, the woman in the picture had her hips pointing out at an awkward angle, and her feet were positioned funnily as well. He checked the front of the book and groaned. It was pretty new, which made it a fair bet that the awkward positioning was not because it was an old book and that was how they posed for pictures then. He glanced at Lily. She was gazing at him hopefully, and James knew he wouldn't—couldn't let her down.

“Whatever you do,” James muttered, “don't laugh.”

“Why would I laugh?”

“Just—just don't.”

Lily nodded, and reluctantly, James tried to imitate the way the woman in the book was standing. He could feel his cheeks heating up as he stuck out his hips in an effeminate way and pointed his toes as though he was about to curtsy. His brow furrowing in concentration, he said the spell once more.

“Mutatio Ornatus!”

At once, the dress began to change, growing long sleeves and lengthening the hem line. James wasn't sure exactly what the spell had done besides that, but they were now clearly dress robes. He ran a hand through his hair, not understanding the mysteries of fashion. He was distracted by hearing an outburst that he quickly realized was Lily laughing.

“What?” he asked, straightening up. But he already knew what it was, and he felt his face go even redder.

“What was that?” she asked gleefully. “James, that was the best thing I've ever seen! I have never ever seen a boy so comfortable with himself that he could…and you!” She dissolved into a fit of giggles, and James frowned.

“Hey,” he said, “I didn't have to help you. I can turn it right back if you—”

Lily silenced him with a kiss.

“You're absolutely lovely,” she murmured. “How did I get so lucky?” She squeezed his hand, and James felt himself calming down.

“That's not fair. You're using sex appeal to make me feel better. Isn't there some psychological or moral code that says that you can't do that?”

Lily rolled her eyes.

“What sex appeal?” she asked. “I haven't got any. Now get out so I can get dressed.” She winked at him, then pushed him out of her room, shutting the door quickly behind him.

James shook his head. Even if he was a bastard sometimes, Sirius had a point when he said that women worked in strange ways.

***

It was an hour later and they were at the ball. Lily had managed to get dressed in record time; she was now wearing the transfigured yellow robes and she had done something mysterious with her hair that had made it gather at the back of her head in a sleek, simple fashion. Already they were getting dirty looks from his mother, and they were making sure to stay as far away from her as possible.

Out of nowhere, Sirius appeared.

“Look,” he said, cornering James, “I'm sorry, alright? Really, I mean it.”

It took a moment for him to remember what he was talking about, but when he did he felt a little annoyed. Lily, hearing what Sirius said, pretended to have gone temporarily deaf. She began humming softly to herself and watching a man who had had too much to drink make an absolute fool of himself as he asked one lady after another to dance. James nodded at Sirius grimly.

“It's not me you should be apologizing to,” he said quietly.

“D'you really want me to repeat what I said so I can apologize for something that only you know I said in the first place?”

James had to think about it for a moment. Sirius did have a point; what good would it do to have him tell Lily what he'd said and hurt her feelings unnecessarily? James sighed.

“Just stop being a bastard, alright? Really. You've got to believe it's the right thing I'm doing.”

“I don't know whether I can trust you, seeing as you're following my advice,” Sirius said. But he was grinning, and James couldn't help doing so too.

“Hey,” Sirius said after a moment, “I really do feel bad about what I said. If the whole snogging thing doesn't work—”

“It ought to,” James said, “or I'll murder you.”

“Right. Well, if it doesn't, I've got another idea. So if it looks like Ms. Potter's ready to blow Lily's head off—”

“My head getting blown off is not an option,” Lily said, coming into the conversation for the first time. She was eyeing Sirius suspiciously, as though she knew that whatever he'd done had been an offense against her, and she was wary of whatever other ideas he had.

“You're just like your boyfriend, you both interrupt me,” Sirius said impatiently. “What I'm saying is that I have another plan. And it'll work.”

“So why don't you just do that instead of risking Lily's head?” James asked.

“Because—it—well, it's a personal sacrifice for me, and I'd like to avoid it if at all possible, because it involves getting female hearts broken and all that…”

“You're going to do something with Adele, aren't you?” Lily asked. James turned to look at her, and he saw that she was gazing intently at Sirius, conveying another message that James could not interpret.

“Evans, you'll just have to wait and see.”

“He's right to save it for last, James,” Lily said, turning from Sirius to him. “Oh, no, you're mum's about to say something. Come on. I see some mistletoe.”

James looked back and forth between Lily and Sirius, then went after Lily, who was tugging him along.

“What was that?” he asked.

“He's got a girlfriend,” she said, “and if he snogs Adele he'll ruin everything.”

“Wait, what?” James asked confusedly. “What girlfriend? Snogging Adele? How do you—”

“James, I swear to you I will explain everything later,” she said. “But right now your mum looks like she's about to say something, and I really can't—we mustn't—” She was so helplessly flustered that James could not help but give in and kiss her. In the very back of his mind, he knew that he could hear his mother speaking, and he knew that things had gone very quiet, but what he knew was that, right now, Lily was right there and she smelled intoxicatingly wonderful. He didn't know what it was, but it was something warm and sweet and it suited her perfectly.

“Mmm,” he said against her lips, “what're you—” He stopped talking when he realized that his words were unintelligible and that he was simply making a mess of their kiss. Lily pulled away from him slightly, looking a bit dazed.

“Hmm?”

“What is that? You smell really good.” Lily smiled.

“It's called perfume, Love,” she said gently. She went to kiss him again, but then he paused. Seeing how he hesitated, Lily stopped too.

“What is it?”

“I—well, I—” James didn't know how to put what he was feeling into words. All he knew was that, in spite of how right their kissing felt, he had suddenly become very aware of how quiet it was and what they were doing. Slowly, he glanced at the people nearest them, and saw the looks of disapproval they were shooting in their direction. He felt his heart sink. He wasn't ashamed to be with Lily, that wasn't it…he couldn't think what it was, but he could feel it…

“James, what is it?” Lily asked softly. She took his hand and pressed it in her own. It was as though this familiar action, which she'd done dozens of times before, was able to coax a few words from his mouth.

“We're—we're putting on a show.” They didn't seem like the right words, not the ones he was searching for exactly, but they were as close as he could get. Lily frowned.

“What do you mean?”

James's hesitance jolted people back to life. At once everyone around them began to talk, and the roaring in his ears somehow made it easier to speak than before, when his ears were filled with buzzing silence.

“We're parading ourselves around in front of these people and we're snogging in front of them like it's the easiest thing in the world. But it's not for us, it's not—it isn't—damn it, we're the couple that Sirius said was never going to have kids because we'd be virgins forever. And here we are, and we're…and we're…” He buried his face in Lily's hair, and she began to rub his back.

“You're mum's coming,” she said, staring past him, “and I want you to be very nice to her. And there are a thousand things I have to say to you later, but I'm only going to say them to you, alright? Don't think I don't know what you're talking about, Love.”

“I know,” James said. Taking a deep breath, he pulled away from her just as his mother appeared before them. Ms. Potter opened her mouth to speak, but before she could, James blurted out,

“Mum, it's me you want to talk to, not Lily.”

“Is that who you are?” Ms. Potter asked, looking down at her. “I wouldn't know. We've never met.”

“Mum, don't. Come on.”

“I think I'd rather speak to both of you. Don't argue with me James,” she added, seeing how James was about to protest. “I think that the least that both of you owe me is an explanation.” James looked at Lily, and he saw that her face was hardened with resolve. He tried to take her hand, but she shook her head at him. James sighed, and they both followed his mother to one of her numerous parlors.

He felt like a warrior about to go into battle.

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27. Humanity and the Girl on a Yellow Bike

Chapter 27: Humanity and the Girl on a Yellow Bike

“Sit.”

James frowned at his mother's command, but both he and Lily complied. They were in the same parlor that Lily had seen when she had come to visit their house that past summer. He looked around the room and spotted the ancient quaffle. He nudged Lily's leg with his own, and, seeing it, she gave a small smile of recognition.

“Excuse me,” his mother said, “I want you both to look at me, and I want you to listen closely.” James turned his head to look at her defiantly. She had never sounded so angry before, and it only succeeded in making him angry. Lily began to wring her hands that were tucked carefully in her lap.

“James,” she said, “I don't know when it was that you decided that it was alright to treat me so terribly, but it is not allowed, am I understood? You are my son and you will do as I say. You are completely out of bounds. Who do you think you are, bringing this girl into our house and humiliating me?”

“I'm an eighteen year old fully grown wizard,” James growled, “and Lily's my girlfriend.”

“Oh, is she?” his mother scoffed. “Come off it. I know that trick that Sirius played on his mother. You're a cruel girl,” she added, turning to Lily. “You look more mature than someone who would help a boy deceive his mother.”

“I—” Lily began, looking confused. James tried to jump in to help her.

“Hey—”

“Let the girl speak, James.” James knew not to argue. It was Lily's only chance to prove herself, and she looked as though she was ready to try.

“Deceive?” Lily asked, frowning, “I'm not deceiving anybody.”

“You expect me to believe that you and James are engaged?”

“James never said we were engaged, and neither did I.” Lily looked as though she was about to pull her knees up to her chest, as James had noticed she was prone to doing when she sat. As her feet lifted off the ground and her knees began to bend, she suddenly thought better of it and quickly put her feet to the ground. James breathed a sigh of relief. His mother hated it when ladies were improper.

“So you mean to say that you are his—his—girlfriend?” It was a word that his mother was not accustomed to using, and she spat it out as though it was poisonous.

“Yes, I am.”

Ms. Potter laughed.

“Well, that's just fabulous,” she said sarcastically, “and just how long to you intend to lead him on? Will it be one month or two?”

“I don't intend to lead him on at all,” Lily said earnestly, “Ms. Potter, I love James.”

This caused Ms. Potter to laugh harder.

“It's like I said,” she said, “one month or two?”

“Ms. Potter, I'm not so simple minded that I would ever consider breaking up an engagement without thinking of the consequences.”

“And yet, you decided to go through with it,” James's mother got up and started pacing the room.

“Why do you want to force James into a marriage with a girl who he doesn't even know?” Lily asked pleadingly.

“Who doesn't speak English,” James added.

“Don't question my judgment, girl.”

“My name is Lily. Lily Evans,” she said softly. Being addressed as `girl' seemed to cause her to begin to lose courage, and James could see her quickly reverting inward.

“Yes, Lily, whatev—” James's mother froze, and she fixed her stare on Lily's face.

“You,” she began, “I know who you are. You're…you're that girl. That muggleborn.”

Lily turned red.

“You were here, last summer. I remember you.”

“I never met you,” Lily said quietly.

“Yes,” his mother continued, not listening to Lily. “I remember James telling me how you didn't belong to any family worth mentioning.”

Lily shot James a hurt look, and at once his temper flared.

“I never said that!” he shouted. “For God's sake, I love her, Mum! Quit being such a bitch!”

In two long strides, James's mother was before him, and she slapped him hard on the cheek. He was surprised at how strong she was; he fell over sideways, his head landing in Lily's lap.

“Don't speak to me that way!” his mother cried.

James didn't listen. He felt close to tears; he didn't know why, but his whole cheek was aflame. He looked up at Lily. She still had a hurt look on her face, but, seeing the red mark that was quickly swelling on James's face, her expression became enraged.

“You've hurt him!” she shouted. “You hit him on his scar! Oh, God, please, don't let it bleed.” She put her silk sleeve to his cheek, and James realized what had happened; where his mother had struck him was where Snape's curse had hit him. It wasn't long ago, but it felt like it had been eternity since that had happened. He looked up at his mother, and he could see she'd gone pale.

“Oh, Merlin,” she said. “What does it mean if he bleeds?” James was shocked to hear a tone of extreme concern in her voice.

“It means I'll never forgive you,” Lily said, her voice taking on the cold quality that James had only heard her use with Snape when she learned of how he had killed the Muggle family.

“I don't need your forgiveness,” his mother spat. She kneeled on the ground next to James and attempted to pull Lily's sleeve from his face. He swatted his mother's hand away irritably. Lily's sleeve was cool and soothing, and his mother's hands were too warm and her perfume was too overpowering.

“Jamie,” she said pleadingly, “please, darling, tell me what I've done.”

“You've made Lily upset, that's what you've done,” James said, smiling up at Lily. His joke made Lily frown.

“Stop smiling,” she said sternly, “you're going to make it bleed. I won't have you in St. Mungo's for Christmas.”

“Excuse me,” his mother said coldly, “he already has a mother.”

Lily opened and closed her mouth, as though checking what she was going to say. Finally, she said, very quietly,

“You don't have to be a mother to love someone. And you…No. I won't say another word.” Quickly she ducked her head and carefully examined James's face. Faintly, he realized that they were arguing over him. It would have been funny if it weren't so serious.

“What is it?” his mother asked, her voice a high-pitched wail. “What, are they better mothers, Muggles? Are you going to tell me I'm a terrible mother?”

“Being a mother has nothing to do with being a Muggle,” Lily said. She ran her fingers down the side of James's face gently. “It has everything to do with being human.”

“So now you think I'm not a human, Lily Evans?” his mother asked. Lily looked away from James and straight at his mother.

“You think that because I'm muggleborn I'm not human.”

“Of course you're human! Don't be ridiculous.”

“But I'm not human enough to be with your son.”

“Your humanity has nothing to do with your relationship with my son.” She stood up and dusted off her robes. “At least when he marries Adele, they will have a sense of stability. He will never have to worry about the shame of divorce. Purebloods know better than that. And he will never have to worry about the Dark Lord coming after his wife. Can the same be said for you?”

“Mum,” James said, slowly sitting up, “you and Dad have an arranged marriage. Look how that worked out. Sorry, but I don't want it.”

His mother looked like she wanted to say something, but he kept talking.

“And I'll never have a sense of stability with Adele because I can't understand what she's saying.”

“Jamie, you know she can learn English easily—”

“She fancies Sirius, Mum.”

His mother rolled her eyes.

“All girls fancy Sirius, Jamie. But in time, she'll fall in love with you.”

“Lily loves me and she's never fancied Sirius. Right?” The last word he said under his breath to Lily, and she nodded fervently to show that he was not mistaken.

“But the issue of the Dark Lord remains the same. Admit it, Darling; you'll never be safe as long as you're with a muggleborn.”

“I reckon it doesn't make a difference, as I plan on fighting him when I get out of Hogwarts anyway.”

His mother stifled a gasp.

“What?”

“I'm not going to be like you and Dad who just wait for things to sort themselves out. I'm going to fight him, and Lily's…well, I think she wants to do it with me.”

“Did she put you up to this?” his mother asked sharply. “Is it her fault that you want to put yourself in such danger? Is she the one who taught you about ciragettes?”

“They're cigarettes, Mum. I learned about them from Sirius. Lily's—well, thanks to her I barely smoke at all.” His mother looked dubious at this declaration.

“And I've always wanted to fight against Voldemort. Yeah, I said it,” he added at the sound of her gasp. “And when he's gone, then people like Lily and I can be together without having everyone upset `cause she's a muggleborn.”

His mother hesitated, then sighed.

“Do you have to do this?” she whispered. “Couldn't you at least—couldn't you have told me before now?”

“What, so you could make sure Lily couldn't come?”

She rubbed her eyes exhaustedly.

“Well, I'm not really sure how—”

A knock came at the parlor door.

“Yes?” his mother said, her tone sounding at once sweet and charming.

His father entered, and James turned away.

“What is it, dear?” she asked, the tired quality reappearing in her demeanor.

“Well, I don't mean to interrupt whatever conference it is you're having in here—”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I could use your help. Please explain to your son that what he and—and that girl—” Here she waved her hand vaguely at Lily, “explain to them what they've done. They certainly don't seem to want to listen to me.”

“What, the snogging?”

“Edward!”

“What?”

“Must you be so profane?”

“That's what they call it, Liddie!”

“Don't call me Liddie,” his mother said darkly, “not now. Do you mean to say you don't mind?”

“Well, Lydia,” his father began, sitting on one of the unoccupied couches, “I would. But you see, Adele and Sirius have taken to performing the same `profane' action as these two, so, really, I think they're partly to blame as well.”

“What?” James's mother went pale, and James's jaw dropped, realizing that, for once, his father had come to the rescue. He turned to look at Lily and saw that she didn't look nearly as happy as he felt. On the contrary, she'd begun to frown.

“But—but—” His mother looked at all three of them pleadingly, and seeing that she would receive no support, she sat down.

“What will they say about me?” she moaned. “How can I ever hope to face any of them again?”

“Face who?” That was Lily, obviously trying very hard to be nice to her.

“Everyone!” James's mother exclaimed. “You don't understand how it works here, it's more serious than you know!”

“Mum, Adele broke the engagement too.”

“Well, she's French. She obviously doesn't understand our culture yet. But we have our upstanding British heritage behind us! Centuries of fine wizards who upheld the laws!”

“Because the French wizards have such different engagement customs,” James said derisively.

“`Fine wizards', Liddie? Come off it, you've met Cousin Archibald.”

“Oh, you think you're so clever!” she said. “Just wait. When our names are in the Daily Prophet and everyone knows what's happened, then laugh at me.”

“I shall, dear,” Edward said, getting off the couch and stretching. “I do so enjoy it when we make the papers. It almost makes being a Potter worthwhile.”

“I don't understand you, Edward,” she sighed, putting her head in her hands. James's father left, and when he did, she lifted her head slightly and waved her hand at Lily and James.

“Get out of my sight,” she said. “I have the most horrid headache. I'm sure you'll be pleased to note that it's entirely your fault, Jamie.”

“So you're done with us, then?”

“Yes. I hope you enjoy my misery.”

“Thank you Ms. Potter,” Lily said softly, looking as though she wanted to give her a hug. She thought better of it, and she took James's hand. Together, they walked out of the parlor.

As soon as the door had shut behind them, James let out a laugh.

“That was brilliant!” he cried. “Who would have thought Dad of all people…” He trailed off, truly amazed.

“Do you normally have a problem with him?”

“Are you kidding? I've never had a full conversation with the bastard in my whole life.” He pulled Lily to him in a hug.

“Your mum hates me. You do realize that, don't you?”

“She'll get over it.”

Lily pulled away from him and gave him a kiss on the tip of his nose.

“I hated her for a moment. I didn't want to, but when she hit you…”

James shrugged.

“It didn't bleed, right?”

“Thank goodness.” She rested her head against his chest and sighed deeply.

“What's the matter?”

“Nothing. Don't worry about it.”

“You know, it's very hard to take you seriously,” James said, taking her hand and beginning to walk down the hall toward a staircase.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, this summer you were the one who taught me all about repressing feelings, y'know? And now you're always repressing stuff from me. Secrets and all that.”

“It's not the same. I let you know how I'm feeling.” In spite of this, James could see an expression of self-doubt creeping onto her face.

“Then tell me why you frowned when my dad told us about Sirius and Adele. You said he had a girlfriend or something?”

“Yes, well—” She froze. James, who had been looking intently at her, followed her gaze and jumped.

Leaning against a wall not ten feet away was Snape. He looked the same as usual, the only difference being that his dress robes were made of black velvet instead of the usual material of school robes.

James scowled. He hadn't spoken a word to Snape since the day that he and Lily had stopped speaking to one another. He had been so consumed with his impending engagement and his relationship with Lily that he'd barely had time to think about it.

“Sniv, what're you doing in my house?” James asked.

“I received an invitation, Potter.” Snape gave him a sickly smile. James shuddered.

“Well, go back to the party. I don't want you greasing up the halls in the corridor, they've just been cleaned.”

“James, stop,” Lily said gently.

“No, Lily, let him talk,” Snape sneered. “Maybe if he talks enough, that scar on his face will rupture. Or perhaps he'll receive a new one on the other cheek.”

“Don't you dare,” Lily said. “If you do, I'll tell Dumbledore. James was too noble to do it, but I'm not.”

“Is that what you call it? I thought it was cowardice. That or his foolish pride was injured.”

“Go away, Sev—Snape. All you're doing is trying to provoke a fight, and it's extremely childish of you.” Pulling on James's hand, she began to walk away, but Snape put a hand on her arm to stop her.

“Don't touch her,” said James angrily. “You haven't got the right.”

“As if you do? Did you tell her about how you and your little friends planned to get me eaten by a werewolf?”

“You still have no idea what you're talking about, Snivellus.”

“I know what Sirius did,” Lily said, “and I forgave him a long time ago.”

“Are you joking?” Snape cried. He was obviously extremely surprised, and the white of his eyes was, for once, greater than the black of his inky irises.

“No,” Lily said, her voice hard. “You killed children, Severus. You've deserved every bad thing that's happened to you.”

“You're saying you wish I'd died, then? You wish Lupin killed me?”

“No. Then Remus would have gotten in trouble.”

“Lily, you don't mean—”

“Call me Evans,” Lily said, “I don't want you to say my first name ever again. You're a bastard, Severus Snape.”

He watched her for a long time, his face emotionless. Lily returned his gaze for a moment, and then turned away.

“Come on, James,” she said softly. As they started up the staircase, a thought occurred to James.

“Lily…”

“Hmm?”

“Snape doesn't—he doesn't fancy you, does he?”

“Oh, God,” she said miserably. “I hope not.”

“And—” he paused, thinking about everything that had been said. “You—you want him dead?” The thought didn't bother him, but it surprised him. He never would have thought that Lily was capable of it.

It seemed she thought along the same lines as he did, because she went pale and held his hand tighter.

“Please don't make me answer that,” she said. “It's such a horrible thing, and I hate myself for wanting it.”

“He deserves it,” James said stoutly.

Lily sighed.

“Where are we going?” she asked, stopping uncertainly at the top of the stairs.

“Did you want to see my room?”

Lily gave James a wary look. He blushed when he realized why.

“I'm not being pervy!” he said loudly. His words echoed down the empty hallway, and James ran a hand through his hair embarrassedly. After another moment, Lily laughed.

“I know,” she said, “I just wanted to see what you would do.”

“You haven't tested me much lately, have you? I should've known better than to think you'd gotten over it.”

“Oh, you love me for it,” she laughed.

“Lucky for you,” he muttered darkly.

“James,” Lily sang, looking pleased all of a sudden.

“What?”

“You're not engaged!”

“Er…yeah. I know.”

“Well, I just realized it. I mean, I heard it, but my whole self didn't realize it until just now! Does that ever happen to you?”

“You are the oddest person that I've ever met. Really.”

In spite of what he said, he was smiling widely. For the first time since her mother had died, Lily was acting the way she had when they'd first met. Soon her smile faded, and her expression became thoughtful, as though she was thinking the same thing he was. Nevertheless, it gave James hope to know that the girl on a yellow bike, the girl that had begun the crusade against his cigarettes and his moodiness, was still there beneath her layers of sadness.

Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who's read/reviewed! Again, I'm sorry that I don't have more time to respond, but I want you all to know that I read and appreciate every review I get! And in case anybody thinks to ask (which they may or may not)…this isn't the end. It just happens to be the chapter that incorporates the title ;)

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28. A Disagreement and a Birthday

Chapter 28: A Disagreement and a Birthday

James threw himself on his bed, feeling suddenly exhausted. He rested for a moment, then looked up to see that Lily was watching him with amused expectancy.

“Sorry,” he said, moving himself over so she could have half. Giving him a smile, she sat down.

“James,” she said, “we are completely alone.”

“I know.” James put his head in her lap and smiled up at her. She twisted slightly to prop up some of his numerous pillows, then laid back on them so she was still looking down at him.

“That means,” she continued, stroking his hair, “we can talk all we want without being interrupted.”

James groaned, though secretly he didn't mind too terribly.

“Lily,” he said, “can't we ever just be alone to snog?”

She laughed loudly.

“This is from the boy who felt uncomfortable snogging an hour ago?”

“Well, it's different when it's just you and me.”

“Darling,” she said, touching him lightly on the nose, “I will snog you all night long if you can tell me when my birthday is.”

“It's—” He hesitated, then groaned. He was sure she had never told him, and he couldn't believe that he'd never thought to ask. Lily clucked her tongue.

“See?” she said. “How in the world can I possibly snog a boy in his bedroom on his bed when he doesn't even know my birthday?”

“Well, that's not on,” James said. “Because in the same thought, you could ask how somebody who doesn't know your birthday can be in love with you.”

Lily giggled.

“Touché. Aren't you just the cleverest boy in the world?” She bent down and gave him a kiss on the cheek. James shivered.

“Lily, I just felt like you were talking to your son or something. Can't you at least call me something a little more…I don't know…” James trailed off, feeling embarrassed.

“Oh. You'd prefer me to address you like a sex object!” Lily laughed again, and James felt his face turn red.

“What the hell d'you expect me to say to that?”

“Oh, James, I love you.” She bent over again and gave him a kiss on the lips. James had no time to enjoy it, because the next moment she had managed to push him off her lap so she could lie horizontally across the bed like he was.

“I'm ruining my lovely dress robes,” she sighed.

“D'you want to borrow a shirt and some trousers?”

“Ooh.” Lily grinned. “That's tempting. But I like feeling pretty.”

“Is this your way of asking me to compliment you?”

“Compliments are acceptable at this time, yes.”

“Well you're not getting any. When's your birthday?”

“How romantic.”

“Hey, Lily,” James said, putting his hand out for hers, “what happened with Sirius tonight?”

Lily turned on her side so she could look at him, taking his hand as she did so.

“Poor Sirius,” she said. “Did you know that he was dating Rosie?”

“What?” James turned his head to look at her. “How'd you know?”

“He told me when we were at his flat.”

“He actually told you?” James had a hard time believing that Sirius would have told Lily of all people before he told James. Lily smiled ruefully, as though she was thinking the same thing.

“He didn't mean to. He mentioned her when we were talking about you, and by then he'd said too much, so he just…told me the rest.”

“Wait, you were talking about me?” James frowned. “What'd you say?”

“Don't have such a low opinion of us,” Lily said. “Sirius cares about you a lot, did you know that?”

“Well, yeah. We're like brothers.”

“See, that one's hard for me to understand,” Lily sighed, “because it feels like such a long time since Petty and I were like real sisters.”

James smoothed a long strand of red hair back from her face.

“We've all got a bit of dysfunctionality in our lives, hm?” he said quietly.

“Though that's barely a word,” Lily said, “you're right. A bit of dysfunction is what makes us all normal. It's a sort of a…well, it's a terrible beauty, isn't it?” At once she laughed and threw an arm around James.

“I love having you to talk to,” she sighed, “even though I've completely spoiled the moment. It's as though we understand each other completely.”

“I don't understand you at all,” James said bluntly, “and if we understood each other completely we'd be boring as hell. Not to mention we'd probably be the same person.”

“Well, that's what I mean,” Lily said, “I didn't mean we completely understand each other, it's just…when you say something, it's something that I sort of felt but I couldn't say it, and it's just lovely to have one person who can articulate all the things you've always wanted to say.”

“So I guess that means you've always wanted to say `shit' and `fuck' and `bloody hell'.”

“Shut up, James, you're completely destroying the moment.”

“You said you did that already.”

“Anyway, isn't that sad about Sirius?”

“Why?” James asked solemnly. “We won't tell Rosie. As long as Sirius doesn't say anything about snogging Adele, Rosie won't know.”

“Everyone will have seen it, though.”

“I bet my mum'll keep it quiet, and her sister will too. A lot of things that happen at wizarding balls never gets out, because they're all too big of snobs to admit they've seen something so embarrassingly low. It's one of the joys of the wizarding world.” James rolled his eyes.

“But—James, so you're alright keeping it a secret? You don't think that's wrong?”

James looked Lily over, disbelieving.

“He did it for us, Lil! It's not like he did it because he wanted to!”

“We don't know that,” she said in a small voice.

James felt himself growing annoyed with her. Everything about her suggested that she fully intended to tell Rosie what Sirius had done, and he felt that there was something sneaky and dirty about doing that.

“Look,” he said, “he didn't want to do it, alright? He told us that, and he waited until my mum dragged us into the parlor for interrogation. If he'd wanted to, don't you think he would've done it a lot sooner?”

“Maybe he told himself that he was doing it for us,” Lily said, looking as though she was getting as annoyed with him as he was with her. “Maybe he just used us as a good excuse to do what he'd wanted to do that whole time. All I know is, if you had gone and snogged another girl, I'd want to know about it.”

“He did it for us,” James insisted. “Even if he didn't, it worked, alright? As long as he doesn't go around doing it the whole bloody winter holiday, everything'll be fine!”

“First,” Lily said, pulling her hand out of James's and sitting up, “you won't know what he's doing with Adele over the winter holiday, because it's not as though you'll be watching him the whole time. Second, it's not fair at all to Rosie. When you're in a relationship you have to show some control, and if this soon in their relationship he's snogging other girls…well, doesn't his dating record speak for itself?” James sat up too.

“What's not fair to Rosie is to make her think her boyfriend was cheating on her when all he was doing was risking everything for his best mate!” His voice had risen to a positive roar, and if he wasn't so angry he would've at once apologized for the way it seemed to positively reverberate through the room.

“He knew what risk he was taking,” Lily said, her lip trembling a little, “and he should have tried to think of something that might have been more thoughtful for Rosie. I appreciate what he did for us, I really do, but I feel sorry for her. No matter how good it was for us, it was still a terrible thing to do to his girlfriend.”

“Lily, sometimes there are more important things than a girlfriend!”

Lily looked as though he'd knocked the wind out of her. James at once realized his mistake, and all his anger disappeared, replaced with extreme remorse.

“Lily,” James said again, “I didn't mean—you know what I meant, I wasn't talking about you…”

“I wonder,” Lily said weakly. “I don't expect to mean everything to you, but I would think…well, the fact that you were able to say that so easily doesn't say much.” She stood up and started toward the door.

“You do mean everything to me, though.”

“Tell me that some other time when you're trying to keep me from getting upset at you.” Lily stood up. “I'm going to go back to Sirius's flat. Goodnight.”

James couldn't allow her to leave. He was convinced that if she went, she wouldn't come back.

“Stay here tonight,” James pleaded. “Mum knows we're together, so if you took one of the guest bedrooms, she probably wouldn't mind.”

“To be honest, I'm a bit too…I'm not angry, just incredibly sad. I can't believe you said that.”

James frowned.

“Lily, when will I have done enough for you that you know that even when I say things like that it's not what I mean?”

“But I—I don't know! You—you and Sirius are so close, and I don't mean to try and break it up by any means, but sometimes—It's—It's hard being the `girlfriend', James!”

“I—” James broke off, feeling nervous. She honestly sounded very tired of it, and a tear was sliding down her cheek, causing the makeup she had so eagerly put on her eyes to run onto her face. He knew it was completely his fault that she looked so unhappy, and he knew he'd just done the thing he'd always told himself he never wanted to; he'd made her cry.

“I'm sorry,” James said weakly. “I don't—I mean—”

“I'm not saying I'm tired of being your girlfriend, James,” Lily said. “But I hate the label. It means that I'm not—when you've got a brother, by blood or by choice, you're like extensions of one another. You're part of the other. But with a girlfriend, it's…I mean, I already told you that I don't want to break up what you and Sirius have, but I can't help thinking that `girlfriend' doesn't have the same level of seriousness in commitment as `brother' does.”

James stayed silent for a moment, thinking about what she'd said. Lily, meanwhile, looked away, looking as though she was trying to stop her crying as discreetly as possible.

“The thing is, though,” he said finally, “is when I think about you, I don't think of you like my girlfriend. You're Lily.”

“Is that supposed to suggest a completely different meaning to you?” Lily half-laughed.

“Well…yeah.”

James didn't know how to articulate to Lily that what he felt for her was different than any label he could put on it. He'd never felt it before, and he wasn't quite sure he believed that anybody else had felt quite the same way, because they'd never loved Lily. He didn't think that they'd come up with a name that quite fit how he felt. He wanted to tell her that he felt all of this, but none of these feelings had words, and the closest he could get was clichés.

It seemed that Lily was trying hard to understand this. Slowly, he could see her relenting, and she sank back on the bed.

“My birthday,” she said, “is February twenty-third.”

James smiled.

“Well, that's funny,” he said, “February twenty-third is my favorite day of the year.”

Looking exhausted, she turned to look at him.

“Why is that, Love?”

“Because it's the day you were born, of course.”

Lily shook her head.

“You are so ridiculous,” she sighed.

“And thanks to you, I'm also one of those disgusting, simpering, lovesick idiots.”

“Don't mock us,” Lily said, “we lovesick idiots are rather sweet, I've always thought.” She was quiet a moment, then said,

“James, we've survived our first fight. Isn't it wonderful?”

“No. It was pretty much the shittiest few minutes I've ever experienced in my life.”

“It means we're a real couple, you know.”

“Well, that's good to know,” he said, “I'd hate to think we were a false couple. It's rather troublesome to snog a girl you're not in a real relationship with, you know.”

“Be quiet!” Lily said, laughing. “You're so mean.”

James shrugged, and Lily hugged him.

“What will we do about Sirius?” she murmured.

“Hush,” he said, “it's Christmas Eve now. We'll think about it later.”

Lily pulled away from him to check her watch.

“It's not Christmas Eve. It won't be until midnight, and it's only ten forty.”

“That's it?” James cried, craning his neck to look at her watch. Indeed, it was only ten forty—it felt much later to him. He ran a hand through his hair, amazed. He felt that it had to be at least midnight.

“I know,” Lily sighed, stifling a yawn. “I'm so sleepy.” She stretched her arms over her head.

“I think that perhaps I'll take you up on your offer to stay here,” she said. “If I try to disapparate now, I'll probably end up with half of me in London and the other half in Wales.” She shivered, and James laughed.

“I should probably write a note to Sirius,” Lily continued, getting off his bed and opening the trunk at the foot of it. “Have you got any parchment?”

“I think I've got some…” Lily dug through the trunk, finally producing a wrinkled sheet.

“I've found some!” She waved it, and he realized, at the last moment, that it was the Marauder's Map.

“Wait!” he yelped, just as she was about to write on it with the ballpoint pen she had mysteriously gotten from the depths of a pocket in her dress robes. “I—you can't write on it!”

“Why?” Lily asked. “It's just a bit of parchment.”

“It's—it's—”

“Oh, is it for a prank?”

“Er—yeah, it is.” James was relieved that she'd gotten it partially wrong. There were two things in his life that she didn't know about; the Marauder's Map and his being an Animagus. He'd decided, the first time he'd thought about it, that there were worse secrets he could be keeping.

“Well, I'll find another one, then.” She smiled sweetly at James, then continued to dig through the trunk.

“Aha,” she said, pulling another piece out. Quickly, she scribbled a note down and folded it up.

“Where's your owl, Darling?”

Though the owl was in James's room, it was a legitimate question. James's room was positively enormous, and there were several large and useless pieces of art littering the room that he'd either received for birthdays and holidays or that his mother had taken to storing there. An owl's cage could easily have been obscured by the enormous statue of Agrippa or the creative interpretation of Morgan LeFay that looked more like a giant banana hanging from a stick than anything.

“Behind the curtain,” James said, pointing at his window and leaning back against the propped up pillows. Lily went over to it and pulled open the cage door. James's massively overweight bird, Sophocles, could barely squeeze himself out.

“Are you sure that it's—I mean, he won't die if I send him to Sirius's flat, will he?” Lily looked seriously concerned, and James thought it was hilarious.

“It'll be fine,” he laughed. “Fat old bird needs some exercise.”

“And you're sure he won't—”

“I once sent him to Turkey,” James said reassuringly. “He'll be fine.”

Lily nodded and tied the note to the Sophocles's leg. The owl gave her a reproachful look, annoyed at having been disturbed, then took off into the night. Lily stared after him.

“Who were you owling in Turkey?” she asked thoughtfully.

“Nobody. I lied.”

“James!” she cried, whirling around to face him. “What if he dies on the way? He might not be able to handle it!”

“At least he'll die attempting to be useful.”

“That's so mean!” she said, sitting next to him on the bed again. “What if Sirius doesn't get the note?”

“Lily,” James said, yawning, “d'you honestly think he'll worry?”

Lily shook her head.

“You're right, of course. You've mistreated the poor owl, though.” She leaned her head against his, and he yawned again, feeling extremely comfortable.

“I should go,” she said, attempting to stand up. James put an arm around her waist to prevent her from leaving.

“Why?”

“I'm tired, and I've got to go find your guest bedroom before I faint of exhaustion.”

“We have five guest bedrooms.”

Lily rolled her eyes.

“It figures. Will you show me which one I can use?”

James shook his head.

“Too tired.”

“James, I can't find it on my own.”

“Then don't go,” he said, shrugging and yawning again. “Stay with me.”

Lily watched him suspiciously.

“You planned this, didn't you?”

“No. But it's a pretty good idea, if I do say so myself.”

Lily hesitated, then nodded.

“I suppose,” she said. “But first let me put on your shirt and trousers.”

“Get me some, too.”

Lily gave him a look of amused disbelief, but nevertheless, after shutting herself in his closet to change, she tossed him a clean set of pajamas. After they'd both changed and Lily had wiped the makeup off her face with the flick of her wand, they settled on James's bed to go to sleep.

James woke up in the middle of the night and found Lily nestled comfortably in the crook of his arm. He realized, with some satisfaction, that that moment was probably the most comfortable that he'd ever experienced.

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29. A Weakness and Voldemort

Chapter 29: A Weakness and Voldemort

James found himself being awakened by severe jolting beneath him.

“Wha—” He couldn't see a thing, other than a colorful blur moving up and down before him.

“Wake up, lovely!” Lily sang. James reached for the table next to his bed and grasped his glasses, then quickly jammed them on his face. He saw that the colorful blur was Lily, jumping merrily up and down on his bed. Groggily, he sat up, and when she saw this she threw herself down next to him.

“You've been sleeping a long time, darling.” She gave him a kiss on the lips, and James, with some surprise, put a hand behind her head and returned it. It registered dimly that she must have been awake for awhile, because her breath already tasted minty. It was probably one of the longest kisses that they'd ever had, slow and sweet because, for once, they didn't think anybody would interrupt it. After a moment, she slowly pulled away, and James blinked.

“Er—” he said, running a hand through his hair, “what did I—I mean—good morning?”

“I just woke up knowing that today was going to be beautiful,” she said, crossing her legs and smiling. “It's something I can just feel.”

James couldn't feel anything special, but he nodded as though he understood. Lily stood up and went to his closet.

“We need to get dressed,” she said, “because the day's already halfway through.”

“Er…right. Lily, I don't know if my mum will exactly be…I mean, she wasn't exactly cheerful last night, and the Prophet might say something about it this morning…”

Lily pulled a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt from the back of his closet, glancing at James as she did so.

“Is it really something to worry about?” she asked him seriously. “Do you think your mum will do anything?”

“Well, she can't. I mean, Madame Delacour probably won't let me marry her sister now, and I think that…maybe I'm wrong, but my dad seemed on our side.” He smiled, and Lily did too, tossing the clothes into his lap.

“Then stop worrying and get dressed.”

“Of course, she could always—”

“Don't worry so much, Darling. Get dressed.”

James checked the clothes she picked to be sure that he approved of them, and when he saw that he did, she looked over what she was wearing. She was still wearing the clothes that she'd borrowed from him the night before.

“You can't go out wearing that,” James said. “Mum'll think you and I shagged, and then she'll have me castrated.”

“You do realize,” Lily said, inspecting some of the things in his room idly, “that she'll probably already think that when we come out of your room together.”

James sighed.

“Oh well,” he said looking down at his lap, “I'll miss it.”

“You'll miss wha—” Lily saw where he was looking and groaned.

“James, you're so gross. Get dressed, you disgusting boy.”

“While you're in here, watching? You disgusting girl.”

Lily laughed.

“I'll be in your cupboard, then. There'd better not be spiders.”

“Is that a weakness I hear?”

“No. Spiders are frightening creatures, and I'm almost certain you're frightened of them too.”

“No I'm not.”

“Is that so?” Lily smiled craftily and shut herself in the closet, and James, after quickly pulling on some clothes, spent the next half hour taking back what he'd said and declaring how much he hated spiders. Nevertheless, he knew it was too late. Lily had taken on the expression that James had beheld too many times on Sirius's face, and he knew he was in for it.

***

James and Lily had almost managed to sneak out the front door when he heard his mother's high pitched call.

“Jamie! Jamie, you'd better not be leaving!”

“Shit,” James whispered. “Lily, just go. I'll meet you in a minute.”

“What? James, I don't want—”

“Lily, my mum won't hesitate to transfer me to Durmstrang. I swear, I'll get out in a minute.”

“Transfer you to where?”

“I'll meet you at the Leaky Cauldron, alright?” he said quickly. He gave her a swift kiss on the lips, shoved her out the door, and slammed it behind her, just as his mother came in.

“She was here, wasn't she?” his mother said as soon as she entered the entrance hall. “I heard her voice.”

“Who, Mum?” James asked innocently.

“That—that Evans girl, or whoever.”

“Well, if you're talking about my girlfriend, Lily Evans, then you're wrong. But if you mean some other Evans…” James shrugged, and his mother scowled.

“Don't be clever,” she said, “I was right. Page nine of the Prophet, you'll be happy to know that you've been christened `Promiscuous Potter' by that Skeeter twit.”

James laughed.

“Are you joking? `Promiscuous Potter'?”

“Silly as it might sound—”

“It's more than silly, it's fucking bullshit. She needs a new Quick Quotes quill.”

“Would you listen?” his mother said irritably. “Silly as it might sound, now everyone will know about you and that—what's her name, that Lila.”

“Lily.”

“Yes, Lily, right, sorry,” she said, not sounding sorry at all. “And when you two break up—”

“Who says we'll break up?”

“For the love of Agrippa, James, could you keep your mouth shut for one moment?”

James clenched his teeth, feeling more annoyed by the second. He had to fight hard to keep from shouting.

“When you break up, every available girl's mother will remember this whole fiasco. It'd become so bad that even the youngest Black girl—”

“Who's already engaged.”

“—won't have a thing to do with you.”

“Well, Mum,” James said, opening the front door once more. “I suppose that that means you should have asked me if I wanted to be engaged.”

“You don't know what you want,” she said, running a hand through her hair. “You expect to inherit everything your father and I possess when we pass on, and yet you also want to have a long-term relationship with a Muggle?”

“Muggleborn.”

“James, it doesn't matter! It's all the same to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, isn't it?”

His mother looked to be on the verge of tears, and James felt sorry for her. He wondered if that was indeed what it was all about. If, perhaps, the only reason she disapproved of Lily was because she did truly worry about his safety. It was certainly something to consider, and he knew that it was one of the few things he hadn't truly thought about. And yet, knowing that it was because of being with Lily that endangered him, it seemed the silliest thing in the world. Lily was probably the most stable thing in his life, and he didn't see how anything that had to do with her would put him in harm's way.

His mother couldn't understand that, though, and it made him walk across the hall and wrap his arms around her. He hadn't done it in such a long time that he was surprised by how tiny her frame was to him now. He'd always remembered being enveloped in her embrace, and now it was he who enveloped her. Somehow, knowing that he was bigger than her made her that much more human, and his anger melted away.

“I'm leaving now,” he muttered in her ear. She looked at him and wiped the tears from her eyes.

“You're meeting her now, aren't you?” she asked quietly.

“Yeah, I am.”

She touched his cheek gently and gave him a watery smile.

“Perhaps one day I'll understand you,” she said, “and maybe, one day, you'll tell me where you got that terrible scar.”

“All you need to know,” he said, “is that I got it for Lily, and I'd do it again.”

“Oh,” she said, and she covered her face to hide how she was beginning to cry again.

“Mum,” James said quietly, “it wasn't her fault. It was Snape's. And—and it's Christmas Eve. You should be happy.” James didn't know what else he could say, so he just gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I love you, Jamie,” she said weakly.

“I know.”

***

When James apparated to the front of the Leaky Cauldron, he was at once jostled back and forth by people who were running and screaming. Disoriented, he pushed his glasses up his nose and looked around, hoping to catch a glimpse of red hair. He couldn't, and he began fighting to get nearer to the pub, afraid that there was something keeping her from getting out. He knew this scene too well; everyone in the Wizarding world had been well drilled in it. There was an attack taking place, right here in the bridge between the Muggle and Wizarding worlds. His heart began to beat faster, as the screaming seemed to grow louder in his ears.

“Lily!” he cried, “Lily!”

Someone grabbed his arm, and he whirled around, praying that it was Lily. It was Sirius.

“James!” he shouted above the din. “What the hell are you doing? There's Death Eaters in there!”

“Got to find Lily!” James shouted back, his heart in his throat. Sirius's eyes widened, but other than that his expression remained calm.

“She probably left already! She's not stupid!”

“But what if she's—” He didn't have to say anything more. Sirius nodded.

“I'll go check if she's at my flat!” he yelled. “Don't go in until I get back, okay?” Not waiting for James to respond, he disapparated.

“Like hell I won't,” James growled. Barely pausing, he continued to wade through the crowd of people, wondering, with some annoyance, why they weren't simply dissaparating. It took him a moment to realize that most of them were Muggles.

A bright red light flashed far ahead of him, and James began pushing forward more desperately, knowing that it must be a Death Eater performing unforgivable curses. His head swam.

“God,” he whispered, “not Lily. Let her be at Sirius's flat.”

There was no indication that any divine being had heard his prayer, because, try as he might, he could not see any familiar faces. He began wishing that he'd waited for Sirius, but he knew that he himself could not disapparate to his flat. He couldn't possibly leave knowing that he'd left Lily behind.

`I never should have pushed her out,' he told himself, `if something happens to her…God I'll never…'

They were the only coherent thoughts that went through his head. Everything else was obscured by worry, and, more than that, extreme fear.

James felt a hard shove at his back, pushing him to the ground. At once he was being accidentally kicked by the people swarming around him. He turned to shout at the person who'd pushed him and found himself looking not into the fear crazed face of some Muggle, but the blank, cold mask of a Death Eater. A chill ran through him, but slowly and deliberately, he stood up, careful to keep his hands balled tightly into fists so that his fingers would not be trampled.

The Death Eater pulled out his wand, and, too quickly for James to even have time to think, his wand had been summoned to the Death Eater's hand. They inspected it carefully and made a motion to try and break it.

“Shit,” James hissed, and, without thinking, his fist shot out and punched the Death Eater in the stomach. With a groan, they fell to the ground, and James snatched back both his and the Death Eater's wand. He kicked the Death Eater as hard as he could to make sure that they couldn't get back up too quickly, and, after a moment's hesitation, he ripped the mask from their face. Sirius's face scowled back at him. James almost let out a shout of disbelief, but then realized that it was not Sirius but Regulus.

“Damn,” James hissed. “Regulus, what the hell happened to you?” He realized the full of gravity of what it must have been like for Sirius to discover that his brother was a Death Eater. Staring at the face before him, it was impossible to believe that it was the same boy that used to tag along with him and Sirius to help with their pranks.

“I hope they kill her,” Regulus wheezed. “I hope they beat the shit out of her and kill her, `cause you deserve it.”

“Who?” James asked, chills going all through his body. “What're you talking about, Black?” But he knew exactly who Regulus was talking about, and Regulus grinned at him, his eyes cold and glittering.

“She tried to help some Muggles,” he said derisively. “She didn't want to leave `cause she was waiting for you, but she tried to help `em go. What an idiot.”

“What'd they do to her, you piece of shit?” James growled, putting his wand to Regulus's throat.

“Like I know,” Regulus said, never taking his glittering eyes off of James's face. “It's the Dark Lord's business.”

“You mean he—”

“That's right, Potter. Your girlfriend got captured by the Dark Lord himself.”

“You're lying,” James said, laughing maniacally. “You're a lying piece of shit, because Voldemort doesn't care about Lily.”

“No,” Regulus replied, his smile gone at the mention of Voldemort's name. “But Dumbledore does, and according to the papers, the great Potter family does.”

“Liar. Voldemort doesn't read the papers.” Someone bumped into James, knocking him to his knees, and in that moment Regulus scrambled away. James was left, sitting on his knees amid the flood of people, staring wide-eyed at the ground.

“He's a liar,” James said to himself. “He doesn't want Lily. He couldn't—he doesn't—” But it made sense. Of course it made sense that Voldemort would want to hurt the one old Wizarding family that would not support him.

James felt tears prick at his eyes, and his heart ached in his chest. As Lily had when she'd heard her mother died, he gripped at his shirt, hoping that perhaps by doing so he could dull the way he felt it breaking.

Uncertainly he stood up, and he began to stumble in the direction that everyone else was going. He couldn't possibly disapparate, not in the state he was in. He half hoped that another Death Eater would appear and kill him right there. That way, at least, he wouldn't have to deal with the aching months or years of not knowing whether or not they'd killed her. At least then he wouldn't have to go through Christmas or her birthday, knowing that while he sat in relative comfort, she was being tortured.

“James!”

James didn't turn to look. He couldn't. He felt someone come up beside him and grab his arm.

“James, come on, we've got to go, they're coming!”

James froze. Slowly, he turned to look at the person who'd grabbed his arm.

It was Lily.

A nasty bruise was swelling around her eye, and she was sweaty and dirty, but it was Lily, alive and determinedly pulling at his arm.

“Lily?” His voice came out so ragged and hoarse that she paused.

“Yes,” she said slowly. “James, are you alright? Did they—”

Without thinking about anything going on around them, James grabbed her and kissed her. He kissed her desperately, passionately, and his heart, which had previously been breaking, now felt as though it would explode from his chest. Without words, he franticly conveyed to her how frightened he'd been, and how much he loved her. She moaned softly, then regretfully pulled away from him.

“We've got to go,” she whispered. “James, we have to get out of here.”

“He said they'd gotten you,” James said, wiping the tears he'd just cried from his eyes. “He said that Voldemort—that he—”

“They tried,” she said, “and they almost did, but I—I don't know how, but I got away, there were so many people that I just—I—oh, we've got to get out of here now, they might still be looking and they'll get you too, can you disapparate?”

“Huh? Yeah, I can. I—just a second, I can.”

“Me too. Your house?”

“Sirius's flat. He'll be wanting to murder me.”

Lily smiled, obviously distracted by some screaming nearby, and without another word, they both disapparated.

James appeared at the door to the flat a moment before Lily got there, and when she did appear he saw that her bruise looked worse than he'd first thought.

“We've got to clean you up,” James said, echoing words that his mother had uttered to him numerous times before.

“You too,” Lily said, running her fingertips over his cheeks. “You're filthy.”

“And you're alive,” James said. She smiled at him and wrapped her arms around him.

“Of course I am.”

“They almost got you though,” James said, more to himself than to her. “And it was my fault. They wanted to get you because of me.”

“Don't be ridiculous,” she said sternly, “they were capturing everyone they could.”

“But you shouldn't have even been there. I told you to go.”

“Shut up,” she said. “You're blaming yourself to make yourself feel better, and I don't want to hear it.”

James was silent for a moment, not wanting to enter the flat quite yet.

“You remember,” he said after a moment, “that you said this morning that it was going to be a beautiful day?”

“For me, it was,” she said softly. “I'm so afraid for everyone else, and I'm—I hate that they did it on Christmas Eve. But I'm here with you, and fifteen minutes ago I thought I'd be in a cell somewhere.”

James buried his face in Lily's hair, not caring that it was dirty or that Sirius was probably waiting inside for them. He wished, for what felt like the millionth time, that there was no such thing as Voldemort.

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30. A Snake and a Muggle

Chapter 30: A Snake and a Muggle

“James,” Lily said suddenly, hours later, “don't you think you should at least send word to your mum that you're alright?”

James, Lily, and Sirius were sitting on couches in his flat, sipping tea and quietly listening to the wizarding wireless. Reports continued to pour in about several attacks across the country, and the last thing on James's mind had been talking to anyone, let alone his mother. Now it seemed painfully obvious that it was one of the first things that he should have done, and he felt himself grow moody.

“Shit,” he said dully. “I'm a first class bastard.”

“No you aren't,” Lily admonished him, digging through her pocket and producing a Muggle pen and paper. “Just write to her now if you don't feel like moving.”

James took the pen and paper gratefully. It was as though she could read his mind; he felt worn out, like he had experienced each of the attacks that they were hearing about instead of just one. He wrote:

Mum,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm not hurt, I'm at Sirius's flat. Sirius and Lily are fine, you and Dad don't go anywhere.

Love from James

Sirius looked over James's shoulder.

“Ooh,” he remarked. “Real witty. Might want to take out a few bits, it's rather long, don't you think?”

“Ha ha. Shut up.”

“Get over here, you bloody bird,” Sirius shouted, seemingly at no one. A second later, however, Sirius's owl flew into the room lazily and landed on the arm of the couch, looking as though it had just woken up. Sirius snatched the letter from James, pulled a bit of twine out of his pocket, and attached it to the bird's leg.

“D'you normally keep string in your pockets, Sirius?” Lily asked interestedly.

“What can I say, Evans? I'm a good person to have around.”

James snorted.

“That's the only time he'll ever have a decent reason to say that,” he assured her. Lily laughed hollowly, her eyes drifting toward the wireless once more. After sitting in silence once more, Sirius suddenly got up. He opened the window, hurled his small owl out into the night, then quickly slammed it shut again.

“Damn,” he hissed. “When'd it get so cold?” As he said it, a cold draft from outside blew through the room. James put an arm around Lily.

“When did you take to throwing owls?” Lily asked, an eyebrow raised and looking mildly concerned. Sirius ignored her, instead pulling his wand out of his pocket and silencing the wireless with a decisive flick.

“What're you doing?” James asked

“I think now is as good a time as ever to break out the firewhiskey.” He started off toward the kitchen, but Lily called out,

“Excuse me, I'm a bit young for it, don't you think?” Sirius paused.

“Screw that, Evans,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Who's gonna tell?”

“It's Christmas Eve. You can't drink Firewhiskey on Christmas Eve.”

“Oh yeah? Watch me. I've woken up every year on Christmas with a hangover, just it's usually from the eggnog.”

“That's disgusting.”

“Well, so's listening to this shit right here.” He charged off to the kitchen.

Lily looked up at James.

“Are you having it too?”

“Huh?” James asked, feeling suddenly intimidated. He hated that it seemed like they were always pulling him in two directions every time he was with both of him. It was Christmas Eve, after all; couldn't they lay off it for once?

Lily sighed, perhaps seeing that James was beginning to sweat bullets in spite of having been cold a moment before.

“Have you made any Pepperup potion, at least?” she called to the kitchen. Sirius reappeared, carrying numerous bottles.

“Lily, Lily, Lily,” he said chidingly. “It's not getting drunk if you prepare for it ahead of time.”

“Well, that's what I'll do, then,” she said, standing up. “I'll make some so that for once you won't have to wake up with a hangover on Christmas. That's one of the saddest things I've ever heard, you know.”

“Not when you do it with others,” Sirius said, putting the bottles on a table he'd conjured up earlier in the evening. He handed one to James, then held one out to Lily.

“You can have one, too. Honest, this is fucking depressing.” James didn't know why, but something about his offer seemed truly heartfelt. He doubted anybody had ever looked as touched by an offer of alcohol as Lily did in that moment.

“It's alright,” Lily said gently. “I don't—alcohol makes it worse for some people. I'd rather not take the chance. I—thank you though. I'll help you to the toilet if it makes everything worse for you, too.” She smiled at him, and Sirius mussed her hair affectionately.

“Know what,” Sirius said. “I reckon James could've picked a worse girlfriend. Yeah, you're a nice girl, Evans. And I mean it in a good way. Not like—like those annoying ones who make you feel as though you're the scum of the earth, y'know.”

James smiled, and Lily positively beamed.

***

“Know what? I reckon you've become boring.” It was an hour later, and James and Sirius were sitting on the floor, completely drunk. James looked up from the Firewhiskey bottle he'd been staring into for the past few minutes.

“What?”

“Yeah. Since you've become like…married, you know.” Sirius made vague hand movements that were probably meant to show something, but failed horribly. “You know, sort of like an old teddy bear. Sort of cute and whatever, but you sort of ignore it.”

“Excuse me,” James said, pulling himself up with drunken dignity. “I happen to like teddy bears.”

“Well you would, as you're part of one. Your relationship is one giant—it's a giant bloody teddy—it's a giant bloody teddy bear.”

“Don't talk about bloody teddy bears. That's morbid.” That was Lily, who was sitting on the couch and watching them with her legs curled up to her chest. Sirius ignored her.

“Me myself, I like snakes. I've got a giant stuffed cobra, have you seen it?” Sirius laughed.

“Funny creatures, snakes. They've got—they haven't got any legs. Imagine not having any legs!”

“You Slytherin.” James said, reaching for another bottle on the table. Lily put a hand on his arm.

“James,” she said warningly. “I don't want to tell you what to do, but you've had three already. You should probably stop.”

James smiled up at her.

“Alright, love,” he said, stroking her hair and leaning in for a kiss. She put a finger on his lips.

“Later.”

Sirius groaned.

“Teddy bear,” he croaked, grabbing another bottle and uncorking it. He took a giant swig of it, then said,

“My girlfriend would let me have it. She's a—she's Rosie, you know, my girlfriend.” Sirius laughed to himself. “Rosie would let me have it because she works at a bar.”

“Hey, Lily,” James said, frowning and looking up at Lily. “Why don't you work at a bar?”

“I'd like James's liver to live long enough for him to see thirty, thanks,” Lily said dryly. Sirius laughed louder.

“When you're thirty, you're old,” Sirius said firmly. “James doesn't—he doesn't need to live that long.”

“Of course he does. He might want to have children.”

“Ho ho ho,” Sirius said, cackling wickedly and taking another drink. “Tell us more, Lillikins. They wouldn't happen to have—you know, fire heads and grass eyes, would they?”

“Fire heads and grass eyes?” James asked dully. “I'm not bloody having kids with fire heads and grass eyes. They're not—they're kids, y'know, not burning lawns.”

James didn't really know how he and Sirius were forming full sentences; after all, the room was spinning horribly, and he didn't feel very well.

“What are you talking about?” Lily asked, yawning. “I can't understand a word you're saying.”

Perhaps they were not forming the sentences as well as he'd thought.

“Know what I want,” Sirius said loudly, rolling away his now empty bottle. “Crisps. Lots and lots of crisps. More crisps than you can fit in a…in a fat person.”

“That's a lot,” James mumbled.

“That's not very nice,” Lily said at almost the same time.

“Aww, come on, Lily. I was just—I was—joking, yeah.” Sirius laughed and stood up. James had to look away because, dizzy as he was, the sight of Sirius swaying so much was making him feel like falling down on his back. The only thing that prevented it was the couch that he was leaning on.

“Oh my goodness, Sirius, sit down,” Lily said, standing up and quickly moving toward Sirius. Sirius laughed and fell down on the ground.

“Shit,” he growled. “Shit, bugger, piss it.”

“I've got to piss,” James announced. Lily looked at both of them.

“What have I done?” she asked. “Why did I—why didn't I—alright, James, I'll take you to the bathroom and you can do whatever you need to—”

“You're not gonna help him use the toilet, Evans?” Sirius asked, grinning lecherously. Lily glared at him.

“Absolutely disgusting,” she said shaking her head. “Sirius, you've had five bottles. How in the world are you still talking?”

“Magic. Stomach made of steel.” He hit his stomach demonstratively, and a moment later, he was doubled over. Quickly, Lily summoned the small trash bin from the kitchen, but it was too late; Sirius had vomited all over the floor.

Seeing and smelling what Sirius had just done, James could feel his own stomach churning. He put a hand to his mouth, and Lily, seeing this, grabbed his arm and they disapparated to the bathroom. Her timing was perfect, because the moment James managed to lunge for the toilet, he, too, began to throw up.

“I'll be right back, alright?” Lily whispered into his ear.

James opened his mouth to reply, but his head was back in the toilet before he could say another word.

Lily disapparated to the living room, and James gripped the toilet for dear life. His head throbbed, and every part of him hurt. Worse than that, now everything that had driven him and Sirius to feel like drinking came flooding back. The screaming people, the claustrophobia, the feeling that he'd lost Lily…all of those feelings completely overwhelmed him, and he wanted to stick his face under the faucet of the sink to cool his burning face.

A popping noise told him that Lily had come back, and a moment later her cool fingers were on his cheeks.

“You're burning up,” she said quietly. “Maybe I should give you some Pepperup potion now.”

James let out a loud, painful moan, imagining how much hotter the potion would make him. Lily stroked his hair soothingly.

“It's alright,” she said. “I won't give it to you. I'll wait if it bothers you so much. I'll just—I'll get you some water.”

As she said that, James became aware of how dry his throat and mouth were. He nodded his head in what felt like a huge, painful motion, though it barely budged. Lily had a cup at his lips less than a minute later.

“There you are,” she said. “Take it—no, no, you'll throw up again, slow down.”

Gratefully, James downed the whole cup. Though it barely quenched his thirst, it seemed to cool him a little. At least he didn't feel like he was on fire.

“Use the loo now,” she said. “I'll get you some more water.”

James did as she said, and after drinking another cup of water, he felt more exhausted than he had in a long time. He practically fell asleep on top of Lily as she supported him to the room she was staying in. Somehow, though, she managed to get him there without using her wand, and she tucked him into her bed.

“Merry Christmas,” she whispered into his ear, and that was the last thing he heard before slipping into unconsciousness.

***

James had actually done his Christmas shopping without Lily's help. He'd done it only a week before leaving Hogwarts, but it had been done in what he felt was a timely manner. He'd actually gotten something for Remus and Peter, a first for him. They'd learned several years ago to accept that Sirius was the only one who got a gift from James (which was usually nothing more than some Honeydukes candy), so he liked to imagine how pleased they would be to receive the customary candy as well.

Lily posed a rather different challenge. What did you get for a girl? Of course, he knew what Sirius had suggested: chocolate, jewelry, perfume. They'd been pretty good ideas, but they didn't really seem to be good ideas for gifts for Lily. She was different than other girls, so didn't she deserve to get a present that was different as well?

After a long time thinking about it, he'd gone to see Dumbledore.

“To what do I owe this pleasure, Mr. Potter?” Dumbledore had asked pleasantly.

“Er—sir, I was wondering…d'you—er—d'you know any muggle women?”

Dumbledore's eyes had danced at this question.

“As a matter of fact, I do. May I be so bold as to speculate as to why you would ask?”

“It's—it's a present for Lily, for er—for Christmas, actually.”

“Ah,” Dumbledore said, nodding. “Say no more. The wonderful world of Christmas shopping…I myself continue to hope that someone will think to buy me some socks…”

“Excuse me, sir?”

“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head and smiling. “I know a woman named Arabella Figg who might be of some assistance. Incidentally, if you are a part of the organization I mentioned earlier in the year, you may be seeing a good deal more of her.” Seeing James's blank look, Dumbledore added,

“She's a squib, James.”

James started. Dumbledore had never called him by his first name before.

As it had turned out, Arabella Figg had known exactly what James was talking about and was happy to comply. And so, thanks to her, James was able to acquire something that he hoped Lily would like.

***

When James woke up, he felt like he'd been hit in the head with a bowling ball.

“Argh!” he cried, tumbling to the floor in his efforts to bury himself in the mattress and away from the small amount of light showing through the curtains.

“You're up!” Lily cried. James covered his head and felt like crying, as the bright light from outside the room and Lily's voice made it feel as though there were daggers going through his ears and brain.

“Take this,” she said, forcing something to his lips. He opened his mouth, and the familiar burning sensation of Pepperup potion poured into his mouth and down his throat. He lay unmoving for a moment, and in the instant that smoke began to pour out his ears, he felt better. Lily ran a hand through his hair.

“Your mum sent the presents you got us,” she said quietly.

“Are you serious?” He was honestly shocked. It didn't sound like something anyone in his family would do, let alone his mother.

“Mmhm. She worried about you.”

James rolled his eyes.

“After eighteen years she's finally figured out how to be a proper mum?” he asked skeptically.

“People change. It happens all the time.”

“Hm.” James sat up, and Lily did too.

“Sirius already opened his,” she said, “and I think he went to give a present to Rosie.”

“Are you finally glad that we didn't tell Rosie about Adele?”

Lily's smile slipped a little.

“Let's not talk about that right now,” she said. “It's Christmas!”

James was happy to comply, and instead began to worry about whether or not she'd like what he'd gotten for her.

Author's Note: And of course, just because fanfic authors are evil by nature, you'll have to wait until next chapter to find out what it is. Sorry! ;)

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31. A Christmas Morning and the Right Thing

Chapter 31: A Christmas Morning and the Right Thing

“James,” Lily said cautiously, staring at him worriedly, “d'you—are you feeling alright?”

James looked up, startled. The Firewhiskey from the night before still seemed to have an affect on him; for the past minute or so he had been staring with fascination at the shining baubles that decorated Sirius's pathetic, wilting Christmas tree. Lily sighed, and got up from her cross-legged position on the floor.

“James,” she said, “if you just want to go to bed, I can always—”

“No,” James said loudly. “Give me my present, Girl.”

“Ho, ho,” she said, a smirk appearing on her face. “That's all I get for brewing you potion while you and Sirius get properly smashed? I haven't forgotten that you wanted me to work at a bar. Thanks for that.”

“You know I didn't mean it,” James said, distractedly eyeing a large, red box that he hoped very much was his. “You're first rate. You don't need to give out alcohol for me to know that. And—er—you're much more attractive than most bartenders. Is that mine?” He pointed at the box.

Lily stared at him.

“I don't think I've seen anybody over the age of five use such blatant lies to get their prezzies. And no, that's for Sirius.”

James was sure she could see the disappointment on his face.

“Ugh,” she said, and she went around behind the tree.

“Lily,” James said worriedly, “what're you doing?”

“Getting you your present. What did you think?”

“I dunno.”

Lily came out again, holding a blue box that was significantly smaller than the red one.

“I believe,” she said, “that that Firewhiskey has permanently addled your brain, my lovely. You're making less sense than I usually do.”

“You always make sense. Sometimes you make too much sense. Why is my present so small?”

“Because I like Sirius better,” Lily said flatly. When James looked up at her sharply, she rolled her eyes.

“Oh, you must be joking,” she said. “You can't tell me you believed it?”

“Well, aren't you snarky?”

Lily put the present in his lap and sat down. He was surprised by how heavy it was.

“If it makes you feel any better, yours cost more. Not that it should matter.”

James frowned a little. For some reason there seemed to be a bit of tension, and he wondered if she really was resentful about his having gotten drunk on Christmas Eve. Not that he could really blame her; after all, he didn't know what was traditionally done in her house for Christmas Eve. Though it wasn't really a big event in his home, perhaps it was in the Evans household. If it was, he reflected with not a little guilt, then tending to two drunks was probably not her idea of a good holiday.

“Of course it does,” James joked, but he planted a kiss on her nose to show that he was willing to make peace. She smiled and touched his cheek tenderly, and he concluded that everything was fine.

When he ripped the paper from the gift, he found himself staring down at a large, silver box.

“Open it,” she encouraged him. He lifted the lid, and he found himself looking down at a large black circle with a long, thin stick lying next to it.

“Er—it's lovely.” He touched it hesitantly and wondered why such an ugly contraption looked faintly familiar to him.

Lily gave him a knowing look.

“You didn't pay attention in Muggle studies at all, did you?”

“What? How d'you know I didn't—”

“Otherwise you'd know what this was.”

“I—I do,” James lied, looking down at it and trying to bring up the memory of what it was. “It's—it's—you said it was a Muggle thing?”

“It's a record player.”

“Right, record player, I knew that.” He had no idea what she was talking about.

“I thought that Sirius said you dated a singer?”

“For a week,” he said, feeling a little hostile. Why was she able to talk about his ex girlfriend so easily?

“Well, I—never mind, I won't get snotty right now. I'll show you.” She stood up and began to go back around the tree again.

“That's a good lass,” James said fondly. Lily stiffened.

“James, you just sounded like my grandfather.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Coming back around the tree, she held a black velvet box.

“This is the second part of the present, and you need it to make the record player work.”

James lifted the lid, and pulled out a thick paper square. Looking inside the open end, he saw a black circle, similar to the one on the record player.

“Are you serious?” Lily asked, “You've never seen a record?”

“Is that what this is?”

“Look.” She took the black thing away from him and placed it over the black circle on the box. She smiled and balanced the thin stick over the record using the needle attached to it.

“Now, here's the good part.” She pulled her wand out of her pocket and tapped the box once. The black circle began turning, and a man's singing voice began to fill the room. Lily smiled.

“The Beatles,” she said, “and it's run by magic, so you can listen to it at school!”

“Oh,” James said, “so it's like the wizarding wireless?”

“Sort of,” she said, looking at the record player fondly, “except the music comes from the records, and it's Muggle music, so you've probably never heard any of it before.”

“Oh.” He began to listen to the song, and was faintly surprised to find that he'd heard the song before.

“Who is this again?”

“The Beatles. Have you—oh, do they know about The Beatles in the wizarding world?”

“I—oh, yeah, they do!” James had had to think about it for a moment, but he knew that he'd heard this song before. Then he remembered how Sirius had called Lily Yoko and wondered how he'd ever forgotten.

“That's great!” Lily laughed. “I'm glad that the worlds—I mean the wizarding and Muggle ones—I'm glad that they're not completely separate.”

“So I suppose that The Beatles are one of the few things that can transcend the worlds.”

“I suppose they do, don't they?” For a long time, neither of them said a word, the record making the only sound. Finally, James got up and grabbed a familiar present from under the tree.

“You're going to open my present. Do it.” He shoved the present, which had been placed under the wretched tree, at her. She picked up the box that was wrapped in green foil without hesitation. She grinned widely and began to carefully tear the foil off the box.

“What the hell are you doing?”

She looked up, surprised.

“I'm unwrapping my present.”

“You're bloody acting like it's wrapped in paper money. Rip it!”

“No!” she laughed. “It's too pretty, I want to save it!”

“What, so you can plaster your bedroom walls in it?”

“I certainly don't want to throw it away.”

James took the paper that she'd carefully put on the ground and purposefully crinkled and ripped it.

“I've got more, Evans,” he said. “It's bloody fucking Christmas, just open it!”

Lily cocked her head at him.

“That's funny. You sounded just like Sirius then.”

James didn't know what he was to make of that. He still wasn't completely sure how Lily felt about Sirius. Lily turned back to her present, and she began to rip it open. After the paper was pulled away, a cardboard box was revealed, and when she opened it, there was a small stack of papers.

“What is—oh my goodness, James!” Seeing what the papers said, she pulled them out and began reading them eagerly.

James had been extremely pleased to find that Arabella Figg had not only heard of the show Coronation Street, but happened to be a huge fan of it. He also found her to be a very kind and accommodating woman who was more than willing to write weekly to his girlfriend to tell her everything that had happened.

Lily, after a moment, began to laugh.

“Where did you get this? James, did you make this up? It's brilliant!”

James shook his head, amused that she would think that he would ever be able to write anything worth reading.

“I found a lady who watches Coronation Street,” he said, “and she said she'd write everything since—since you stopped getting it written to you, and that she'll send you a new one every week.”

“It's fabulous,” Lily said, looking down at the pages before her and flipping through them. “She leaves in all of the funny bits. Petty never thought to write those down.” Lily looked back up at James, her eyes shining strangely.

“I can't believe you even thought of it.”

“Well…I mean…I knew that you—that you liked it when your sister wrote it to you, and that maybe you'd like to keep getting it. I mean, there's—I liked it when you read it to me, too. It was cute.”

Lily laughed, though it sounded funny.

“Did you just call something I did cute? I never thought I'd hear you use that word.”

“I—wha—” Before James could think of anything to reply, Lily buried her head in his arm, and realized that she was crying.

“Oh, God,” she said. “I told myself I wasn't going to—I—” She pulled away from him and began to rub at her eyes furiously.

“I'm sorry,” James said helplessly, and Lily shook her head vigorously.

“Don't you dare,” she said. She kissed him on the mouth fiercely, then looked up at him. He couldn't help thinking how striking her green eyes looked, standing out brightly from the rest of her face.

“You are the most beautiful person I've ever met, James Potter, and I love you.”

James raised his eyebrows, surprised.

“I love you, too.”

“You don't understand,” she said. “You can't know how—do you even realize how thoughtful you are? Nobody in the world could have thought of that but you, and I'm so—God, I'm so glad I have you.” She kissed him on the lips again, and on the head, and then on the lips again. By the time she'd kissed him on the lips for the third time, he was mentally awake enough to respond. In a moment, they found themselves on the ground amid the ripped foil paper.

“Oh, for the love of Merlin,” moaned a voice not far away, “don't make the babies in my living room.”

James ignored him, and it was Lily who struggled to sit up. James groaned.

“You're a git, Black.”

“Stuff it, you've had Pepperup potion.”

James couldn't help letting out a reluctant laugh at the thought that Lily had been snogging him while he had the ridiculous steam pouring out of his ears.

Lily pulled herself into a standing position.

“Let me get you some Pepperup potion,” she said.

“Fix your shirt, Evans. Potter seems to have gotten into it.”

“He didn't do anything of the sort,” Lily said, adjusting her shirt and turning beet red. Hurriedly she went into the other room, and came out a moment later with a vial of the potion.

“I hope that's enough,” she said dryly. “From the amount of alcohol you were drinking last night, I was afraid one dose wouldn't do it.”

In one fluid motion, Sirius drained the entire contents of the vial. He paused for a moment, then smiled when steam began coming out of his ears.

“Works great, Mother,” he said teasingly. “Now let's have at the presents!”

“We've already opened ours, you dolt,” James said. Sirius pulled a face.

“That's fine. That means I've missed all of the boring parts.”

Lily made a face at James, and, sitting down next to him and snatching his hand in hers, they both pretended to watch while Sirius opened the two presents that they'd given him.

***

When James stepped through the front door, he found himself instantly being crushed.

“Jamie!”

“Hey, Mum.”

His mother eventually let go of him, and he was relieved that she did not look like she had been crying. He didn't think he could handle dealing with two crying women in the same morning.

“Merry Christmas, my love,” she cooed. “I'm so glad you're alright, I was so relieved when I got your owl…”

“Yeah, Lily told me to send it.”

His mother barely missed a beat.

“How good of her.” For a moment there was silence, then she said, hesitantly,

“I suppose that means she was alright. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named didn't get to her.”

James took a good look at her to see if she was trying to imply something, but she was all innocence.

“She's fine,” he said slowly.

“That's lovely,” she said, and for some reason, James believed she meant it. He smiled at her, pleased.

“Where's Dad?”

His mother touched her perfectly structured hair nervously and didn't say a word. Slowly, James's smile faded.

“He's not here?”

“He—he had work to do. The ministry doesn't close on Christmas, after all!” She forced a smile, but James didn't do the same. They both knew that he wouldn't be at work if he hadn't wanted to be there. An awkward silence fell between them.

“I don't suppose you want us to start without him?” James asked quietly.

“It would be the right thing to wait,” she said softly. He nodded, then set off upstairs to his room.

What he couldn't help thinking was that, even though he'd come to James and Lily's rescue a few days before, his father didn't often do the right thing for his family. More likely than not, he'd probably sided with them solely so that he could contradict his wife. This time it had been in James's favor, but it was hard to appreciate it when he knew that it really had very little to do with actually being on his side.

“Screw the right thing,” James couldn't help muttering to himself.

Author's Note: Here's chapter 31—hopefully it turned out alright, because, even I'll admit, it's been a while. As far as the future of the story goes, there's only a few chapters left. If I had to guess, I'd say GoaYB will end up having 35 chapters (the last chapter taking place on Lily's eighteenth birthday), and then an epilogue. The epilogue will be a way of wrapping up everything that might not necessarily be resolved within the text of the story. I'm actually thinking that the epilogue might be told from the POV of a character besides James…I suppose everyone will just have to keep reading to find out! Moohaha.

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32. A Secret and Peace

Chapter 32: A Secret and Peace

James had completely forgotten that Sirius had kissed Adele until Lily brought it up again on the Hogwarts Express. As soon as she asked him what he thought they should do, it was as though she’d dumped a bucket of cold water on him.

“Fuck, Lily,” James said, sitting up. “D’you have to talk about this right now?”

Before she’d said anything, he’d been in a pretty good mood. His head in Lily’s lap and his eyes closed, he’d been coming to terms with the fact that this was the last time he’d be riding the train as a student. The thought sent shivers down his spine. But all thoughts of that were thrust from his mind as he glared at his girlfriend, who was glaring right back.

“Don’t you curse at me,” she snapped. “I have no problem going to tell Rosie without you. I just thought you’d like to talk about it first, that’s all.”

“What is there to talk about?” James cried. “You’re going to tell her no matter what I say. You might as well just do it already.” Silence.

“James,” Lily said quietly, “you can’t just expect me to leave it like that.”

“Right. Why not make it worse? Can’t you just fucking drop it?”

James was in a rotten mood now. One of the wonderful things about Lily being so unique was that she never stooped to the level of using the maddening double language that it seemed every other girl in the world used. And yet here she was, sounding just like his mother.

“Are you alright?” Lily asked. “You…I mean…I hate to sound rude, but you don’t usually talk like this to me.” Something about her voice caused him to look over at her, and she looked so hurt that he began to regret what he’d said.

“I’m sorry,” James said. “I--” But he didn’t know how to explain his sudden change in temper, so he just shut his mouth again. Lily watched him for a minute, then turned back to the book she was reading. James was really starting to regret what he’d said now; Lily had drawn her knees up to her chest, leaving no room on her lap for him to lay his head on. He rested his head against the windowpane, annoyed. He was almost certain that Lily knew exactly what she was doing, and he’d been extremely comfortable where he was.

The silence was broken with the sound of something heavy hitting the compartment door. The glass was at once cracked to look like a spider web, and quickly James whipped his wand out of his back pocket. Glancing over at Lily, he could see that she had too, her book carelessly dropped on the floor. Whatever it was that had hit the frosted window appeared to them only as a massive dark shadow that was slowly sliding down the door.

“Stay there for a second,” James said. He couldn’t be sure whether they should take the whole thing seriously or not, but the last thing he wanted was for Lily to go anywhere near it. She rolled her eyes at him.

“I don’t think so,” she said, “as though I’d let you have all the fun.” In spite of what she said, she looked a little nervous. They both stood up, and James moved forward, sliding the compartment door open in one large, swift, motion.

“Holy hell,” Sirius moaned, falling completely to the ground as the support of the door was removed. “Evans, how the hell were you friends with that bastard?” James was tempted to laugh, but he could see that, in spite of his mock-flippant manner, his best friend was sporting a bloody nose and a black eye.

“Did Sev-Snape do that to you?” Lily gasped, rushing forward to help him up.

“Are you surprised?” Sirius asked wryly, taking Lily’s hand and hoisting himself up. “It’s not as though he made a promise to try and be a better person this year.”

“I bet Snivellus has never heard of a New Year’s Resolution,” James said seriously. “Otherwise he might’ve made a promise to try and wash his hair more than once a week.” All three of them sat back down, and Sirius gave James an approving nod.

“Right you are, Jimmy. But you’re wrong, because Andromeda has informed me that it’s once a month, and it’s a highly regarded ritual in the Slytherin culture…”

“Oh, do shut up for a moment,” Lily snapped. “Sirius, why did he do this? What happened?”

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Sometimes it’s painfully clear that you two haven’t been dating very long, Lily my love,” Sirius sighed. “There is no reason for what Snape does. Generally, the rule for him is to strike as often as possible, and do it when nobody actually knows he’s around. Which is quite often for him, sometimes people know he’s around and they just pretend not to.”

“I hate to say it, but he’s right,” James said, nodding. “You just didn’t know because you were friends with him and he’s secretly in love with you.” James was almost as surprised that he said it as Lily was. He’d been exaggerating, but now that he’d said it, it didn’t seem so far from the truth. Sirius began to laugh.

“You’re kidding. Snivelly fancies your girlfriend? No wonder he beat the shit out of me!” He continued to laugh, but he was the only one. James was watching Lily, who looked a bit flustered.

“It’s not my fault he beat you up,” she said slowly, “you hated each other before that.”

“Wait, what?” James asked. “Hated each other before what?”

“It’s nothing. It’s ridiculous.” Lily leaned down to pick up her book from the floor, but James grabbed her wrist.

“Lily,” he said, “what’re you talking about?”

“It’s nothing!” she said loudly. Sirius had stopped laughing, and he and James exchanged looks. James began to feel a bit nervous.

“Lily,” he said again, “have you been talking to Snape?”

She began to turn red.

“Not really,” she said. “It’s--it’s so silly, you don’t want to hear about it. Just trust me.”

Sirius leaned over so that his mouth was barely an inch from James’s ear.

“I can get it out of him,” he whispered, “I’ll have that bastard singing everything him and Evans have ever done.”

“They haven’t done anything,” James said angrily, pushing Sirius away. He turned angrily to Lily.

“You two haven’t done anything.”

“Of course not!” Lily cried. “James, how can you even suggest that I--that we--”

“Well, what the hell, Lily? What’re you hiding?” James felt the sudden urge to go out and hit something solid and similar in structure to Severus Snape. Glancing over at Sirius, he seemed to be angry too, perhaps even as angry as he was.

“Evans,” Sirius said warningly, “you remember what I told you earlier about--”

“Of course I remember what you said!” Lily cried. “I’m telling you, I haven’t done anything!”

“What?” James asked, looking between the two of them. “What’d you say? When were you two talking? What’s going on with Snape?”

“I told her what I’d do if I found out that she was messing with you,” Sirius said, keeping an accusing eye on Lily. “You don’t look out for yourself, Mate, so I thought I’d let her know that there’s at least one person who does…”

“I’m not messing with him!” Lily exclaimed, looking torn between absolute fury and tears. “There are just some things that he doesn’t need to know!”

“Oh, yeah?” James shouted. “Just like there are things that Rosie doesn’t need to know about Sirius?”

“I--wha--” Lily turned deep red. “But I’m not cheating on you!”

“Sirius didn’t cheat on Rosie!”

“I believe that kissing another girl counts as cheating!”

“What?” Sirius asked, frowning as he tried to understand the sudden shift in the argument. “I--what d’you mean? I didn’t cheat on Rosie!”

“See?”

“Sirius, you snogged Adele,” Lily said gently, as though explaining to a small child. “You can’t do that, not if you’re going out with Rosie.”

“But--I--”

“Sirius, you did it for us, it’s alright. Kissing some other girl isn’t like sleeping with them or anything.” James knew it wasn’t alright, but he felt like he was dying as Lily refused to tell him what was going on with Snape. Wasn’t this the same person who had basically said a few weeks ago that she wanted him dead? And now there was a secret between the two of him, the girl he was in love with and the one person that he hated more than anyone except Voldemort. So his words were not meant to help Sirius, but to wound her. He saw at once that he succeeded; she recoiled as though he’d slapped her.

“Is that what you think?” Lily asked him quietly. “You can’t mean--”

“No, I know it’s alright,” Sirius interrupted, addressing James. “I told Rosie about it before I did it. She knew I was doing it for my best mate and his girlfriend, and she was alright with it. I guess she thought that you guys were worth it.” He gave Lily a pointed look, and that final thing, which now meant that everything she’d fought with James over was unnecessary, seemed to absolutely crush her. Tears began to form in her eyes.

“You’re both just--you’re terrible,” she sobbed. “I’d never cheat on you James Potter, and if that’s what you think, then you don’t know me at all.”

“Apparently not, if you’re sharing secrets with Snape.”

Lily covered her face with her hands and sobbed harder into them.

“It’s not for me to tell,” she said between sobs. “I--it’s just him, it’s--it’s nothing to do with me. I--I don’t feel anything for him!”

“If it’s just him, then why’re you keeping it a fucking secret?” Sirius growled. James found himself agreeing wholeheartedly.

“It’s not fair for me to tell you when he--when he just told me. He--it wouldn’t be nice for me to tell.”

“Nice?” James cried, leaping up. “Who cares about nice? He’s killed kids, Lily, he’s killed families and didn’t care when your mum died and beat Sirius up for no reason. You need to get it through your head that Severus Snape is not, and has never been, nice.”

“I know,” she said, weakening, “I know he’s done that, but his family…his father’s a horrible man. There’s a little bit of good in him, I know it.”

“Oh, Merlin,” James moaned. “Oh, Merlin, she’s forgiven him.”

“You want to know the truth, Evans?” Sirius hissed. “Half of my family are Death Eaters. They know Snape and everyone else in that little circle. They all have shitty fathers. Hell, You-Know-Who has a shitty father. Does that mean it’s alright that he goes around killing Muggles and little babies? Oh, and James and I both have fathers from hell. You don’t see us prancing around in the countryside killing people.”

For a long time Lily was silent, crying into her cupped hands.

“You want to know what happened?” Lily asked finally. “He sent me an owl a few days ago and told me that he was in love with me. He told me that if I kept ignoring him, he’d kill himself.”

“He wasn’t being serious,” Sirius said loftily. “Or if he was, he probably slices his wrists anyway. If he killed himself, it wouldn’t be because of you.”

“So what’d you do?” James asked tersely. “Did you tell him to shove it?”

“I--I went to his house and I helped him. He’s really depressed, so I just tried to…I know I said I wanted him dead, but when someone tells you they’re going to kill themselves, you can’t just--you can’t allow it. I couldn’t.”

“How’d you help him?” Sirius sneered. “Did you snog him to make it all better?”

“Shut up,” James muttered, just as Lily shouted, “Please leave me alone!”

“Sirius,” James said, tearing his eyes away from Lily, “could you leave us alone for a while?”

“You’ll be alright?” Sirius asked, glaring at Lily. James nodded, and Sirius stood up.

“Hopefully, Snivelly’s not waiting out there to kill me,” he said lightly. With a slight wave, he opened the door and left, leaving James and Lily sitting in silence, broken only by Lily’s sniffles.

“It’s such a stupid thing to get upset over,” she said to him. He rounded on her.

“How was I supposed to know if it was stupid?” he asked. “You didn’t think I was worth telling.”

“It wasn’t worth telling. It had nothing to do with you.”

“But, see, sometimes you’re a hypocrite, Lily. Because you’d want me to tell you if I went to some girl’s house who was in love with me.”

“But I trust you,” she said tearfully. “You don’t trust me. I knew you’d get upset.”

“You can’t--damn it, you can’t do that!” James shouted, slamming his fist against the wall. “You can’t just do what you want because you think you know everyone so well! So, what, you think you can just decide when it’s convenient to be honest?”

“You’re right,” she said softly. “But I…you and Sirius are going to torture him now. Just leave him alone, okay? Maybe if you just left him alone he’d figure out that what he’s doing is wrong.”

“So it’s our fault he’s a Death Eater?”

“Stop twisting what I say!” Lily stood up and crossed her arms over her chest. “You’re making a big deal out of everything, and none of it is worth fighting over. It’s just silly!”

“You don’t get to decide what’s worth getting upset over!”

Lily shook her head.

“I’m leaving now,” she said. “But I still love you.”

“Well that’s good to know,” James said sarcastically. “Good to know that you consider that worth telling me.”

Lily let out a small scream and ran out of the compartment. James watched her go and wondered why he found it so easy to be such a bastard.

The thing about their fight that later confused James was that there was no visible time when he and Lily reconciled. Of course, they’d never broken up, but he knew that the few times that he’d seen his parents’ fights, they made up in a big, showy way. He knew that it was mostly for his benefit, but nevertheless, he’d always thought that making up would be more of an epiphany, more of a declared thing. Instead, they made up in a more gradual, subtle way; it began with James sitting next to Lily at dinner, then Lily offering her hand to him to hold. By the next morning they were having a normal conversation, free of tension, and that night she kissed him, and he knew that whatever had been wrong had been fixed. It proved to him, once and for all, that this relationship was real.

***

“What’s wrong with Remus?” Lily asked one morning at breakfast, soon after Remus had gotten up from the table and left. James looked up from his toast and shrugged.

“I’ve often wondered the same thing,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “Acts like a thirty year old. It’s not normal.” He let out a short laugh at his own joke, then turned back to the small mountain of bacon that he’d made on his plate. Though it had taken a bit longer, he and Lily were once again on good terms.

“No, that wasn’t what I meant,” Lily said, still looking in the direction that Remus had gone in. “He looked really sick. I thought you said his transformation was a few weeks ago?”

Sirius’s expression didn’t register surprise at all, which caused James to believe that he must have found out that Lily knew at one time or other. He couldn’t remember; at this point, it seemed that they all knew everything that was happening with one another. In a way it was extremely convenient, but it also made things a little boring. He couldn’t say that he didn’t like it like that. He liked the calm that came after a long time of drama. He hoped that whatever was going on with Remus wouldn’t change that.

“You don’t think that he got a letter from the Ministry, do you?” Lily asked, wide-eyed. “It hasn’t been long since he lost his mum, you don’t think his dad…”

Sirius shook his head.

“I saw him open it,” he said, his mouth full. “Regular letter.”

Lily frowned.

“I don’t know,” she said, “but he seemed really upset.”

James didn’t really pay any attention; though he knew that he should be more concerned, he wanted to prolong the inevitable unhappiness that would come of finding out the contents of the letter. He knew it was unreasonable, but he just wanted there to be a little bit of peace.

33. Remus and Alcohol

Chapter 33: Remus and Alcohol

James knew it wasn’t right, but rather than hear what the letter to Remus had been about, he made every effort to avoid him. Nobody noticed; at least, he thought they didn’t, until Lily pulled him aside in the Common Room.

“Hey,” she said quietly, “is something wrong?”

“What d’you mean?”

Instead of replying, she took his hand and laced her fingers with his.

“Come on,” she said, “let’s go be a good set of Head students.”

Though going on a patrol was not really his idea of a romantic thing to do with his girlfriend, especially if she seriously expected to do patrolling, it seemed to him a whole lot better than purposely keeping his eyes down in the crowded Common Room to avoid Remus’s glance.

They walked the hallways in silence, neither of them looking at each other. Their hands swung slightly back and forth, and James sighed. He never stopped being surprised at how happy he could be doing nothing. Sensing that she was looking at him, he instinctively turned her way and leaned his head a bit closer to her. She just smiled.

“You have pretty eyes,” she said, “did I ever tell you that?”

It seemed odd for her to say that. She, who had such striking eyes herself, seemed to be the last person he would have thought of to notice the eyes of others. But here she was, admiring his own mediocre hazel eyes.

“No,” he said, “’cause it’s not true.”

“Yes it is!” she insisted, her eyes widening as though she couldn’t believe that he didn’t believe it. “They’re gorgeous. They’re like…like starbursts.”

“What?” James had to laugh. “What are you talking about?”

“Like…because there’s brown in the center, and then there’s this dark green, and it looks like it’s…don’t laugh at me, but it’s just like a dark star exploded in them.”

He squeezed her hand.

“Didn’t know you were a poet,” he remarked. She leaned to the left so she was walking closer to him.

“I’m not,” she said, sounding a bit embarrassed. “I’m just stupid because I love you.”

“Oh,” James said. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I don’t think you’re stupid. You wouldn’t be Head Girl if you weren’t smart.”

“Thank you,” she said quietly. “But…but that’s not what I mean. I mean that--and don’t take this the wrong way--but until recently I always thought that I wouldn’t need someone else to make me happy. And I mean I--I always did a good job of keeping myself independent of other people. But now, it seems impossible for me to keep myself happy anymore.”

“Oh,” James said again. He wasn’t sure how he was expected to feel about that. “Well…I’m sorry.”

“No,” she said, shaking her head vigorously. “Please don’t be sorry.”

“Well, I mean to say, Lily,” James said uncomfortably, “I don’t want you to be unhappy.”

Lily stopped, causing him to stop too. She stood on tiptoe to kiss him.

“Let me finish,” she said gently. “The reason I’m unable to keep myself happy is because every time you’re away from me I miss you dreadfully.”

“Oh,” James said, for the third time. “I’m never away from you long, though.”

“I know that,” she said, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head against his chest. “But I miss you, all the same. That’s why I said loving you has made me stupid. I depend on you much too much to make me happy.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again, putting his arms around her. He suddenly felt a huge amount of pressure. Was he honestly worth depending on for happiness? He didn’t know how anybody could truly care about him enough that they were only happy when he was around.

“Stop apologizing,” she sighed, making circles on his back with her fingertips.

“But I am,” he insisted. “It’s not as though I’m that interesting to be around.”

Lily looked up at him.

“Since when do you have such low self-esteem?” she asked, sounding a bit surprised. “James, you don’t have to do anything particularly interesting or clever. That’s not what love is. You don’t require me to do anything special for you to love me.”

“I know that,” he said quickly. “But you’re better than me.”

“Oh, shut up,” she said softly. “You’re being ridiculous.” He didn’t say anything else, and for another moment they just stood there, holding each other.

“Come on,” she said, giving him another kiss on the cheek. “We have to go do our job now.”

“You mean we weren’t?” James asked jokingly. He gave her a quick kiss on the lips, and then, taking her hand, resumed walking. There was another long stretch of silence.

“James?” Her voice shook slightly.

“Mm?”

“Do you want to know what the letter for Remus was?”

James felt something uncomfortable stir in his stomach. Though he knew that he didn’t want to hear anything about whatever the letter was, he nodded.

“It was from--from You-Know-Who. V-Voldemort. Whatever he’s called.”

James felt the uncomfortable feeling spread from his stomach to his chest, clenching his heart in an icy grip.

“D’you know what it said?”

“Sirius told me--he read it--he told me that it was actually really nice. Very polite.”

“Are you fucking joking?”

She shook her head.

“It was odd. Sirius thinks that it--he said it seemed like he was trying to recruit Remus. To be a Death Eater.”

“Why the hell would he do that?”

“If you think about it, it makes sense,” she said, her voice lowered to a whisper. “Because--and I feel bad saying this--because he’s a werewolf.”

“What does that have to do with it?”

“Hasn’t Remus been having a hard time finding a job for after he graduates? He’s probably smarter than all of us, but he’s the one who has to worry about not getting one. He almost didn’t get to go to Hogwarts. All of that is because he’s a werewolf. If that happened to me, I wouldn’t exactly be happy with the Ministry, or with anybody in the wizarding world.”

“But Dumbledore let him come to Hogwarts. And he has us!”

Lily looked doubtful.

“I like Remus,” she said gently. “I really do. But James, it’ll be hard for him. His whole life he’ll have to deal with people hating him for something he can’t help. And to join Voldemort…Sirius told me he made a lot of promises he could probably keep. It would be so much easier for him to become a Death Eater.” She was trembling. James shook his head, the icy hand clutching his heart so tightly that it felt like it would burst.

“But--” he thought hard, desperately trying to think of an excuse for his friend. “He wouldn’t have shown the letter to Sirius if he was a Death Eater. Death Eaters don’t go showing off those sort of things unless they’re Slytherins.”

A quivering smile crept to Lily’s face that betrayed her urge to cry.

“He didn’t show it to Sirius,” she said thickly. “He hid it. Sirius snuck in and snatched it when Remus wasn’t looking.”

“Huh,” James had a hard time breathing. Lily stopped walking again and looked up at him, looking desperately unhappy.

“This is one of those terrible things about growing up,” she whispered. “I don’t know what to think any more.”

James didn’t either, so he was unable to find any sincere words to comfort her.

***

James hadn’t realized that he missed seeing Hestia until he woke up one morning to see her sitting at the end of his bed.

“Hullo,” he said groggily, putting on his glasses. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Hello to you too,” she snapped, though she smiled. “I’m shocked you remember who I am.” James shrugged.

“Your hair’s back,” he said. Indeed, the hair that had been short and boyish the last time he’d seen her was now long and flowed to midway down her back. She imitated his shrug.

“Charlie likes it better longer.”

“Charlie? Marlene’s brother?” James quirked an eyebrow. “I thought you hated him now.”

Hestia shook her head.

“No,” she said, “I don’t hate him. I hate that ugly little shit who tried to steal him from me. Meghan McCormack is the most despicable prostitute who ever walked the earth, and Charlie figured that out. Smart boy.”

“Oh,” he said. “So he doesn’t like her anymore?”

Hestia narrowed her eyes.

“He never did like her,” she said. “It was a momentary bout of confusion that he’ll never suffer again.” The barely veiled threat that lingered in her words in the event that he did suffer another such moment was enough to scare even James. He sat up a bit straighter.

“Er--no offense,” he said slowly, “but what are you doing here?”

“What, I couldn’t just come to say hello?” Seeing James’s discomfort and confusion, she rolled her eyes.

“I came to tell you that Dumbledore’s going to have another meeting for that group of his soon. In the next few months, I think. But I’m telling you now because he doesn’t want the idea to distract you from studying from your NEWTS. As though by telling you far enough ahead of time you won’t be distracted.” She rolled her eyes again. “That’s why they should let the younger ones do it too. We’re not distracted by fucking tests that don’t get you anywhere.”

“So you’re still not allowed.”

“I sure as hell am not,” she said unhappily. “And they let fucking Marlene in even though she’s shagging a ratface.”

“Here now,” James said weakly, feeling as though he should at least try to defend his friend a little. “He’s not--” But he didn’t know how he could deny such an accusation when even Peter’s animagus was a rat, so he closed his mouth. A mischievous smile crept onto Hestia’s face.

“Oooh,” she said, “I forgot to ask you how it’s going with you and your girlfriend.”

“Fine,” he said, getting a little bit uncomfortable. He didn’t like the way she was positively leering at him.

“Have you done anything yet?”

“Yeah. She helped me with my Christmas shopping over the winter hols.”

“You know what I mean, Potter.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I need to get ready for breakfast if you don’t mind.”

“Oh, so I guess that means you have.”

“Hestia, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

“Yeah I do. I know all about Marlene and ratface.”

“You’re too young to know about it.” James turned red at the thought that she was insinuating that he and Lily were doing the same thing. He wasn’t ashamed of the idea, but it was awkward to hear a young teenage girl blatantly talk about it.

“You know what?” Hestia said suddenly, standing up and looking annoyed. “I’m tired of you adults. You think you know the world so much fucking better than we do, and you’re all full of hippogriff shit.”

James watched with minor concern as she stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

“What the hell,” Sirius said blearily from the next bed over. “Fucking PMS.”

***

“So what should we do about Remus?”

James lifted his head from the NEWTs workbook that he’d been scribbling in, and beside him, Lily put down her quill. They both stared at Sirius, who was watching them intensely.

“What do you mean?” Lily asked. “There’s nothing we can do.”

“That’s not a very characteristic remark, Little Miss Sunshine.”

Lily shrugged.

“It’s the truth,” she said. “If you say something and he’s not with You-Know-Who, then he’ll be upset that you went through his things and didn’t trust him. And if he is with You-Know-Who, it’s not like he’ll admit it. Either way, all you’ll do is upset him.”

“Should we tell Dumbledore?” James asked, knowing, even as he suggested it, that they wouldn’t. Lily must have been able to tell from his tone what he was thinking, because she laced her fingers with his and gave him a pained smile.

“We’ll just have to continue on as though nothing happened, then?” Sirius asked, dismayed. “We can’t just do that!”

“Sirius,” Lily sighed, glancing at James exhaustedly, “we don’t really have a choice. All we can do is know to watch what we say around him from now on.”

“That’s sick,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “That’s probably the sickest thing I’ve ever heard. We can’t fucking trust our best friends now.” He let out a barking laugh. James closed his eyes and rubbed them with his thumb and forefinger.

“God,” he heard Lily say, and he felt her grip on his hand tighten. “Peter, what’s wrong?”

He opened his eyes, and he saw that Peter had sat down in an armchair across from them. His face was ashen, and his expression was what James would have expected to see on the face of one who just watched someone die.

“Damn,” Sirius said, “she’s right. You look like hell.”

“She broke up with me,” Peter said, his voice quiet and distant. “Marlene. Says she didn’t think we went together well.”

“What?” Lily exclaimed. “That’s not possible! She adores you!”

Peter shook his head vigorously, shaking his blond hair into his eyes.

“No,” he croaked. “You’re wrong.”

James frowned.

“Something must have happened,” he said slowly. “Just yesterday you two were snogging in the Common Room, she can’t have just--”

“Are you saying I did something?” Peter asked wildly, looking up. His blue eyes were wide and half-crazed, and James found himself feeling a little nervous. Sirius clapped Peter on the back.

“Women are fickle creatures, Pete,” he said wisely. “You win some, you lose some. In the end, she was just a shag anyway.”

“What?” Lily cried, her appearance changing from one of pity and concern to indignant rage. “Marlene’s not--”

“You’re right, Sirius,” Peter interrupted, slumping back in his seat. “She’s a slag. God, I need a drink.”

“You must be joking,” she said disgustedly. She turned to look at James. “How can you stand listening to this?”

“Come off it, Lily,” James muttered, moving closer to her on the couch. “He’s just saying it. Would you rather him call Marlene a slag or kill himself?”

“But I just don’t understand,” she whispered. “Like you said, just yesterday they were the same as always, and today they’ve broken up?”

“I guess they…I don’t know.”

“I suppose it’s a good lesson against shagging, isn’t it?” Lily asked, a mischievous grin creeping onto her face. “I guess that means we shouldn’t make that mistake anytime soon.”

James was surprised to hear her talk about it, but he quickly silenced her with a mock-serious shushing sound.

“Don’t even joke about that sort of thing,” he said severely. “You minx.”

“Minx?” Lily asked, raising her eyebrows. “What are you, fifty? I would never use that word, let alone to describe me.”

“Oh, you wouldn’t, would you?” James asked, “I doubt--”

“Hey, you lovebirds,” Sirius said, “sorry to interrupt the beginnings of a snogfest, but this boy needs alcohol. I’d get them, but I think if I left him alone he’d use that quill to gouge his eyes out.”

James was almost amused to see that Peter was indeed eyeing the quill on the table with interest.

“I’ll get it,” he said, hoisting himself up. “Firewhiskey?”

“Among other things. Just tell Rosie our situation, she’ll know what to do.”

34. Wonderful Things and Marriage

Chapter 34: Wonderful Things and Marriage

“So what you’re saying is that you don’t care that Peter called her a slag?”

James and Lily were the only two awake in the common room. Sirius, and the rest of the Gryffindors had stumbled upstairs, and Peter was lying in an alcohol-induced coma on the rug in front of the fire.

It took James a moment to remember what Lily was talking about, but when he did he groaned.

“Oh for Merlin’s sake,” he grunted, “it’s not important.”

“To me it is!”

“Look, Lily,” James said, feeling rather exasperated, “sometimes you can’t just…think about it. You can’t just concentrate on some stupid remark someone made when their girlfriend dumped them.”

“Oh, alright,” Lily said, looking about as annoyed as he felt, “well then I’ll just remember that the next time I consider breaking up with you. That way I won’t be surprised if you call me a bitch or a slag or…whatever special insults wizards have come up with.”

“Wait, what?” James shook his head in confusion. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Nothing. Forget it.”

“What d’you mean ‘the next time you consider breaking up with me’? You mean you have? Are you trying to say that you want to? What the hell?” Questions kept spilling out of his mouth, and he couldn’t stop them. The more he thought about it, the more angry and hurt he felt. He’d been nothing but good to her and now she was saying that she’d wanted to break up with him? She might as well have rammed a knife through his heart.

Meanwhile, Lily’s expression became one of horror.

“Oh my goodness, no, that’s not what I meant,” she said quickly, putting her hand on his wrist. “I was just--no, that’s not what I meant at all.”

“So I guess it’s alright for you to say something you don’t mean and not Peter.”

“I--what the hell, James, why do you always have to do that?”

“What?”

“Use everything I say to prove your point.”

James snatched his arm away from her grip.

“Like you don’t?”

Lily closed her eyes.

“I don’t want to fight with you again,” she said, sighing tiredly. “I really just want us to be alright.”

James could barely look at her.

“I thought we were alright,” he muttered. “I didn’t realize that you wanted to break up with me.”

Lily got off of the couch and began pacing back and forth.

“I don’t want to break up with you!” she said loudly. “I was using an example, I didn’t actually mean that I’d thought about it.”

James crossed his arms.

“So you haven’t thought about it?” He finally forced himself to look into her face, and he could see how upset she looked. He found it hard to really care, because he knew any pain she was feeling wasn’t even half of what he felt.

“No!” She looked up, but she didn’t quite meet his gaze. James could hardly believe it. A thousand thoughts began to zoom through his head. Did she fancy Sirius? Or Remus? Or--and it made his jaw clench to even think about it--did she fancy Snape?

“You’re lying,” James said quietly. Lily looked straight at him when he said that, and he could see the guilt written all over her features.

“My mum just died a few months ago,” Lily said quietly. “I know I’m supposed to get over that quickly, but I can’t. And sometimes I…I can’t help it if that makes me confused sometimes.”

James was repulsed.

“That’s pretty sick, you know that?” he asked her. “Using your mum as an excuse for wanting to break up with me.”

“It’s not an excuse,” Lily said angrily. “It’s the truth. Everything I do is affected by that. She was my mum, you don’t just get over that. I probably won’t, either.”

“So what does that mean?” James asked. “You’re never gonna be sure if you want to be with me because you’ll always be thinking about her?”

“No,” Lily said. “Sometimes I think about how maybe it’d be better for me to be myself, because I’m never going to be the same person I was. And the only reason I’ve ever thought to break up with you is because it’s really not fair. I can’t give you anything, because I’m just keeping myself together.”

“When did I ever ask you for anything?”

“You didn’t.” She began to bite her nail nervously.

“Then what the hell?”

“I’m sorry!” she said loudly. “I--God, why did I even bring it up? You’re right, of course you’re right, and I’m wrong, and God, I’m sorry.” Lily began to head toward the stairs, but before he even knew what he was doing, James was up and had a hand around her arm.

“Where are you going?”

“Bed!” she choked. James could see that she was about to cry, but he didn’t let go of her.

“You’re not going anywhere,” he said grimly. He put an arm around her waist and forcefully led her back to the couch. She chewed her lip and her eyes glistened with tears.

“Let me go, James.”

“Like hell I will,” he said. “You’re not gonna run away from this. You’re gonna sit here with me until you get it through your head that I don’t fucking want anything from you except for you to just trust me.”

“I do trust you!” Her voice came out on a much higher pitch than it was usually. He leaned forward and looked into her eyes.

“If you trusted me you’d know I wouldn’t leave you. Even if you cried over your mum every single fucking day.”

She’d been chewing her lip for so long now that James began to worry that she’d make it bleed. He put a finger to it gently to still her, and she slowly smiled. It was a smile that was filled with sadness and made beautiful by the fact that it was filled with love for him.

“We fight too much,” she said quietly. She reached a finger up and traced his jaw line, reminding him of how he hadn’t shaven in a few days. She didn’t seem to mind.

“Yeah,” James said, “we do.”

“But you need to know,” Lily said, bringing her face closer to his and giving him a look of utmost seriousness, “it’s not because I don’t love you. Because I do.”

James sighed.

“I know.” And he did know. He felt a little stupid for even having questioned it, because it was so clear if he just looked at her. When she was looking at him her features became illuminated, and it was almost impossible for him to tell himself that he could have been the cause of any of it. On a sudden impulse, he buried his head into the crook of her neck and shoulder.

“In fact,” he heard Lily continue, her words sounding more like vibrations due to his position to her body, “I think it might be good that we fight. My parents fight--fought, sorry--my parents fought all the time. And they loved each other more than anything.” She ran her fingers through his hair as she spoke, and he turned his head only slightly to reply.

“I’ve never seen my parents fight.”

Lily looked down at him, uncertainty written on her face.

“It proves your point, don’t worry.”

She smiled.

“Well of course,” she said, “because I know everything.”

“Well aren’t we just taking advantage of your status of Head Girl?”

“Indeed.”

“Indeed,” he repeated, lifting his head, “who says ‘indeed’? Lily, my love, you have the heart of a shriveled old woman. In the body of a gorgeous eighteen year old of course.”

Lily gave him a dirty look and pulled away from him to spread herself out on the couch.

“There are two counts on which you’re wrong, Mr. Potter,” she said primly. “Shriveled old women are in love with shriveled old men. Much as I find your ideas to be ridiculous, they have always been the thoughts of a teenage boy, and the thought that I am in love with you is nonnegotiable. So that’s out of the question. And then you have made the mistake of calling me a gorgeous eighteen year old. While I think it’s rude to deny a compliment, even if I disagree with it, it’s still an incorrect statement. I am still seventeen years old, thank you very much.”

“Oooh, yes,” James said, raising his eyebrows and smiling mischievously. “I forgot that I was dating a youngling. Tell me, Love, is it altogether difficult to handle dating someone so much older and more experienced?” He leaned toward her, then laid on top of her, so that way he was pinning her body down with his own. She gave him a convincing look of mock-annoyance.

“You know,” Lily said airily, “when I first met you, you were such a nice boy. So shy and awkward. I wonder what happened to that James.”

“It was all a farce to make you think I was harmless.”

“Hm. Well I liked him more.”

“He thought you were rather off your rocker.”

“Well in that case, perhaps I don’t like him quite so much. Not that being odd matters, but I imagine it’s very hard to be in love with someone who you think is off their rocker.”

“I do imagine it’s difficult, but possible,” James said. “Nevertheless, I hate him. That other boy you’re talking about, because if he’d had any sense he would’ve grabbed you and snogged you the instant he saw you.”

Lily snorted.

“As opposed to you, who took ages to want to snog me.”

“It wasn’t a matter of want, it was a matter of timing. We can always make up for lost time.”

“You know I have a condition for long bouts of snogging, darling.”

“What’s that?”

“When’s my birthday?”

“It’s the same day as my favorite day of the year, of course!”

“Good answer, but not quite.” Lily began to smirk at him, which surprised him. He didn’t even know she knew how to smirk, and it was undeniably attractive on her. “I want dates, Potter.”

“I’d go on a million dates with you, Lily my love.”

“Witty. Won’t get you any snogging, though.”

James sighed.

“Fine. It’s February twenty third, alright? Can I have my snog now?”

Lily’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. James was just disappointed that she still didn’t have a look on her face that said she was inclined to snog.

“How in the world do you know that?”

“You told me. I love you. I remembered. Snog.” He leaned down to get a kiss from her, but she swatted him away.

“You’re crushing me far too much to snog. And now that you’ve reminded me, I forgot that my birthday is coming. What is it, three weeks away now?”

James sighed.

“So not only do I get no snog, but I also have to think of another present to give you. Bloody wonderful night this has turned out to be.” He put his head down and sighed in exhaustion.

“James--Darling--” Lily said, sounding a bit choked. James’s head immediately popped up, worried that she was about to cry again. There was no sign of sadness on her face, only that of intense discomfort.

“Hmm?”

“I wasn’t joking. You’re crushing me.”

“Oh, sorry.” He scrambled off her, and she moved into an upright position.

“It’s alright,” Lily said pleasantly. “If being crushed by you was the worst that could happen, there’d be nothing to get upset over. Life would be wonderful. As it is…” Her face fell as she remembered what their interaction had briefly helped her to forget. Fretfully, she scrunched the fabric of her robes in between her long fingers, as though it would help her relieve some of her troubles.

“It’s not like you to be so pessimistic.”

“You know, I think you have a false sense of my personality sometimes. I think you think I’m much better than I am.”

“No I don’t. If I did I’d think you were a sweet, obliging girl. As it is, you are, as I’ve said, a minx. And that’s about the worst thing a girl can do, to tease someone like you do.”

“Oh James,” she sighed, “thank God for you. You’re the one person in the world whose attempts to distract me from this sort of thing actually work.”

“Good thing?” he asked. She nodded.

“Wonderful thing.”

“Alright, good.” He stood up, stretched his arms over his head and yawned.

“Well I think I’m going to go to bed now. Goodnight.” James turned around and started toward the staircase. As he did, he remembered that Peter was still in the room, comatose before the fireplace. James had the urge to give the boy a swift kick in the side to revive him, but before he could, Lily sighed in exasperation.

“James.”

“Hmm?”

“You’ve forgotten something.”

James turned back around to look at her, feeling his pockets as he did so. He didn’t think he was missing anything…

“Snog,” Lily said simply.

“Really?” James asked, his face breaking into a grin. She nodded.

“Wonderful thing indeed!” James muttered, immediately going to occupy his spot on the couch once more.

***

In spite of what Lily had said about James’s ability to distract her, there was very little that could distract them from all the horrible things that seemed to surround them. Between attacks reported daily in the papers, impending NEWTs, and the constant struggle to figure out where their place would be in the world when they left Hogwarts, it was as though the world outside was a dark cloud that was trying to penetrate the small, pure bubble that was Hogwarts. It was the one safe haven, and even then, it was clear that the enemy already had its recruits within its walls. One only had to look at the sneering face of Severus Snape to know that things weren’t as safe as it might have appeared to the more naïve of them.

Perhaps it all might have been bearable if they didn’t suspect that Remus was one of the enemies.

The change that had come over their feelings for Remus was amazing. He who had always been at once pitied and admired, the quiet and constant, was now a presence they came to positively dread. Sirius refused to speak to him, and whenever Remus sat down at the table, he would get up and leave. Peter followed Sirius like a lapdog. And though he always berated himself for it, James would often find himself making excuses for why he couldn’t make the time to go play a prank or study or even play wizard’s chess. It was not that he couldn’t, but rather, a sickly feeling would arise whenever Remus asked. He was disgusted by his newfound repulsion toward him, but he was unable to quell it.

Even Lily, who had believed the most firmly in standing by their friend no matter what, was different toward him than she’d once been. They never spoke of it, but James noticed. Lily was the type of girl who believed firmly in eye contact; it was probably a consequence of having such brilliant eyes. And yet whenever she spoke to Remus, her eyes would always fix on something else, and she would speak to him the whole time with her eyes never once darting up to his face. Though she made the most effort to be nice to him, James thought that her treatment of him would probably seem to be the worst of all if he were in Remus’s position.

Meanwhile, a change had come over Peter personally. His face had taken on an almost ashy tint, and a smile very rarely crossed over his chubby face. It was odd to see him so grave; it didn’t suit his features at all. Marlene would sometimes make an effort to speak to him, but whenever she did he would look at her like she was a stranger. She quickly abandoned her efforts.

It was probably all of this darkness and uncertainty that made it seem especially important to James that he get Lily a wonderful birthday present.

“Sirius,” James sighed one afternoon, lying on his bed and watching his best friend upside-down. “You’re supposed to know everything about girls. What should I get her?”

Sirius was too absorbed in preparing for a date with Rosmerta to answer him immediately. He was standing before a full-length mirror with nothing but a towel around his waist. His hair was sopping wet, and he had a comb that he was using to part in a variety of different ways to see the different effects.

“Sirius. Sirius. Sirius, goddamn you, get your fat head out of your bloody arse and answer me!”

This quickly pulled Sirius out of his self-absorbed reverie.

“Sorry, mate. Er. I--what was the question again?”

James repeated it through clenched teeth, and Sirius let out a barking laugh.

“Well isn’t that obvious?” he asked. “Get her a bloody wedding ring. Corny and unbearable, just like your relationship.”

“Can’t be that bad if you want me to give her a wedding ring.”

“Well it’s to the point, you’re like an old married couple anyway. Might as well get it over with so we can have a great party where I get properly smashed.”

“Like you don’t already do that?” James said it coolly, but his heart was in his throat. A wedding ring. A rational part of him told him, quite calmly, that he was too young and inexperienced for that sort of thing. But something hot-blooded and crazy within him pounded blood in his ears and said yes!, forget that they were young and had just started dating, that they hadn’t shagged and hadn’t talked about it. He was in love with her and he took a sort of liking to the idea of that permanence and possession that marriage seemed to offer in all of its sanctity.

“I suppose you’re right,” Sirius said, flexing his muscles in the mirror. “But I’m just saying, normal relationships are like Rosie’s and mine. We go around snogging and shagging and thinking about cheating on each other without actually doing it. If I cut my hair funny she wouldn’t like me, and if she got fat I wouldn’t like her.” Sirius shrugged as though to say that it was tragic, but that’s how it was. James couldn’t believe that he’d once envied him. It just seemed really sad.

“That’s very thoughtful of you,” he said, “but I don’t suppose that that’s normal.”

“Whatever it is, it’s not that bad. Besides, my hair will always be fabulous, and I suppose that Rosie’s got a few good years left before all of those chocolate frogs catch up with her.”

“Mm.” James thought some more about what Sirius had said about a wedding ring. Once the initial novelty of it wore off, he knew that it was much too soon for that; they loved each other, but he supposed that he wanted to wait a bit longer. After all, they’d only been dating for three months, and besides, he wouldn’t want to do something like propose before he had a flat of his own and some idea of what he wanted to do when he graduated. He knew that he didn’t have to have a job or a flat, considering that he’d inherit all the property of the Potters sooner or later, but he still wanted to be able to know, if he and Lily got married, that he could support her always, not just the Potter name.

But still, the feeling of excitement when he thought of marrying her was not something that he’d be soon to forget.

35. The End

The morning of Lily’s birthday, James was awoken by a heavy weight on his chest and a warm breath on his ear.

“James,” Lily’s voice hissed into his ear. “James, it’s my birthday.”

“Erg,” James replied, not opening his eyes.

“Is that all you’re gonna say? Not ‘happy birthday, love of my life’ or ‘oh my goodness, do you feel any different’?”

James made a noise that was a cross between a gargle and a groan.

“I’ve never said ‘oh my goodness’ in my life, and I don’t plan on starting now,” he groaned. Lily gave him a kiss on the forehead.

“That was surprisingly articulate,” she said wryly. “Get up!”

“What time is it?” James moaned, attempting to cover his face with a pillow. Lily promptly removed it.

“Much too late,” she said. “You’re going to be late to class if you aren’t already, for instance.”

“What?!” James cried, bolting up and causing Lily to fall backward. “What the hell? Why didn’t someone wake me up?”

Lily smiled innocently.

“Oh well. Rather unfortunate, but I suppose you’ll live.”

“What--I--” His eyes narrowed. Lily wasn’t innocent. She never was.

“What’d you do?”

She held up her palms in a motion of peace.

“Don’t blame me. Isn’t my fault.”

“Right. As if I’m supposed to believe that.”

“You are!” she cried earnestly. “Sirius came up to me fifteen minutes ago and told me that he’d put a silencing charm on your bed so you wouldn’t wake up. He’s the one that said to me that I should take advantage of your tradition of skiving on birthdays. He told me to tell you to take me out to Hogsmeade for ice cream. He also told me to tell you to shag me already, but quite frankly I find that bit to be rather unnecessary.”

James raised an eyebrow at her.

“And you actually took his advice?”

She shrugged.

“He was being rather nice about it, so I didn’t want to be rude if he’d taken the time to put the silencing spell and whatnot. Besides, I rather liked his idea. It sounded fun.” She crawled to the edge of the bed and opened the curtains a crack.

“If you don’t want to, that’s fine. I suppose you could still make it to class, after all.”

He laughed.

“Maybe I was right when I used to think you were off your rocker. Why the hell would I spend a day in class when I could spend it on a date with you?”

Lily looked up at him and smiled.

“Good!” she said. “Then I can change out of this uniform!” Barely pausing long enough to give him a quick peck on the mouth, she slid out of the bed and ran out of the room.

***

James couldn’t remember the last time there was an awkward silence between himself and Lily, but there it was, hot and suffocating on an otherwise cold February day. They were actually shivering, because for some reason Lily had insisted on ice cream instead of hot chocolate--‘the texture of ice cream is much more birthday-esque than hot chocolate, that’s more like Christmas’, she’d said at the time--and yet the silence between the two of them made him want to roll up his sleeves, and wipe beads of sweat off his forehead. It was times like this that reminded him that they’d only known each other a short amount of time and had been together for even less time.

It wasn’t that there was nothing to say. They’d had silences like that before, where the natural flow of conversation had ended and another had not yet begun. They were capable of silence, comfortable and lovely and utterly unlike the silence right now. This silence was pregnant with unspoken words and unexpressed thoughts. James was frightened to know what she could possibly have to say, and from the way she was sneaking nervous glances at his face, he guessed that Lily was too. He glared down at his plain vanilla ice cream as though it was its fault. Lily took the opposite approach, devouring her mint chocolate ice cream with more vigor than normal.

Finally he could stand it no longer.

“Lily, I wanna talk to you about something.”

Lily paused in the middle of licking her spoon and placed it back into her glass bowl.

“Oh God,” she said weakly. “Please don’t say that. Start it off some other way.”

“Huh?”

“Nothing good ever started with ‘I need to talk to you’. It’s a horrible start, really. I imagine that countries and lives were ended with a conversation that started that way.” Lily bit her lip, realizing that she’d spoken more than she’d wanted to, and began toying with her spoon.

“It’s not--it’s not bad, at least I don’t think so.” He had the curious sensation of his heart in his throat again, and he ran a hand through his hair.

“Look,” he said, “I’ve never dated someone as long as I’ve dated you. Sirius is always talking about how the only other girl I dated was for a week. So I don’t suppose I really have much to go on as far as relationships go. I don’t know how much you know, or have done, which I guess I probably should’ve asked you before now. Not that I really want to know, but I guess it’s something I should’ve asked anyway, because it’s you and it’s important because…well, you did it,” he finished weakly. “But anyway, we haven’t been together very long, and we still don’t know each other very well, because no matter how much we talk we just met this summer. It’s not really something we can help, it’s just…that’s how it is. But I--” He looked up, and he saw that Lily looked a sickly green color. He reached for her hand impulsively.

“Lily, are you alright?”

She nodded emphatically.

“Finish what you were saying,” she said, swatting his hand away. She continued to toy with the spoon.

“You sure?”

“Mmhm.”

“Alright,” he said doubtfully. “Well, I was just saying that--in spite of all of that--you’re still the one that I want to be with, forever. I guess that’s a long time, and it sounds like I’ve gone mad, but I’m serious. I was thinking about…well, it sounds really stupid, but…”

“James, it’s me. Even if you sounded stupid, which I doubt, it wouldn’t really matter to me.”

“Right. Well I thought about…about asking you to ma--to marry me. Yeah. I mean, I’m not,” James said quickly, not looking at her face because he was scared of what he might find there, “but I don’t suppose it’s something that would bother me very much. I reckon I’d like to be married to you, someday. And I just thought I should tell you, because I don’t know when we could, but I think someday I’d want to, and I know we’re really young and I really shouldn’t be talking about this at all because it’s not really something that we have to talk about, especially on your birthday, and I--”

Lily, who had been listening very patiently the whole time, silenced him by gently putting her hand over his mouth.

“Shh,” she said, “now you’re just letting your nervousness talk.” Seeing that she’d gotten him to stop, she sat back in her chair, looking at him as though she’d never seen anybody like him before. Then she began to laugh--loudly, joyfully, a laugh that James had not heard from her since before her mother had died. It would have made him smile, perhaps even laugh, if he was not so petrified that she was laughing because she was about to crush the fragile thoughts that he’d laid before her. It wasn’t characteristic of her, but it would’ve been very easy to do. One word was all it would have taken to smash everything into tiny pieces.

“Now,” she said, “I--” She couldn’t finish. She started to giggle again.

“Well I’m glad it’s funny,” James said helplessly. Lily stopped her laughter, but a persistent smile remained on her face.

“Don’t be bitter, Darling,” she said. “After all, here I was thinking you were going to tell me that you wanted some time apart or something of that sort, when all you really wanted to tell me was that you wanted--that we--” She started to laugh again, this time standing up and twirling around childishly. He watched her, wondering how someone who managed to act in such an embarrassingly childlike way could also be so feminine and beautiful in the same instant.

“You thought I wanted to break up with you?” he asked. “Haven’t I already made it clear to you that I love you? And why the hell would I do it on your birthday?”

“You wouldn’t--you wouldn’t, would you?” Lily crowed. “And it’s because you’re wonderful, absolutely wonderful.” She gave him a quick peck on the lips, then she looked up at the sky.

“It’s so beautiful today,” she said. “The sky is so blue and everything is just--things are just wonderful. I haven’t felt like this in a long time, it’s amazing.” She stretched out her arms as though stretching, though James had a sneaking suspicion that it had more to do with her desire to reach out and touch and hold everything surrounding her. He ran his hand through his hair again.

“So,” he prodded, “I’m guessing that means that you’re alright with the idea.”

Lily kissed him on the mouth again, then on the head.

“Yes,” she said, then kissed him again for good measure. “I’ve never heard an idea I liked more. It couldn’t happen right away of course--it’s much too soon, and like you said, we don’t know each other well enough yet--but at the same time I feel like I know you better than anyone. We’re--we’re like kindred spirits, almost, except not in the way that they’re the same. It’s like we’re utterly different, but it’s in ways that the other needs. And I’ve never really needed anyone, not like I need you, so I don’t suppose that I’d ever be able to let go of someone I needed so much. And I--I’m just so happy that you think so too, or something like it, anyway.” She laughed again.

Later that afternoon, he gave her big box of records and a small, gold ring that, as he explained, wasn’t an engagement ring, but rather a reservation for an engagement ring at a later date. These gifts surprised and amazed her, and he knew from the way that she looked at him, lingeringly and thoughtfully, that it meant more to her than he could know. But in spite of that, he supposed that he’d always be the most proud of the first birthday gift he’d given her--that startling, uninhibited laughter that had managed to elude her for so long.

***

The rest of the year passed quickly, faster than anyone would have liked. There were joys, as Gryffindor won both the Quidditch and house cups, and sorrows, such as when James received letter after letter informing him of his father’s decline into infirmity. Though his father had always seemed young to James, he slowly began to realize that he was indeed aging and that the Potter estate might have been bequeathed to him sooner than he would have expected or liked.

NEWTs were possibly the most torturous thing that any of them had ever experienced, and it was almost with relief that they came to the realization that their time at Hogwarts was over. Yes, it was true that there were tears--and not just from Lily--and reservations about the world outside of Hogwarts’ walls. But somehow there was also a deeper held knowledge that they’d already been prepared as much as it was possible for them to be. As their last night in the home they knew for seven years drew to a close, James and the other three boys made a solemn promise to not let their physical distance separate them.

Of course, even the most well-intentioned promises cannot always be kept. Remus, who they’d already begun to lose contact with in school, was quickly lost to them almost entirely as he began traveling far and wide looking for work. Sirius would always give a skeptical snort when this reason was given for their estrangement. Meanwhile, Peter also grew apart from them, though not to the same extent as Remus. He had never been quite the same after Marlene broke up with him. Once the McKinnon family was murdered, two years after she’d broken up with him, it was as though a bit of him had become lifeless, a childlike shine that nobody had realized was there, gone.

It was not until years later that anybody who wasn’t a Death Eater would figure out that he’d actually played a large role in the family’s murders, and it was also for this reason that Hestia Jones was convinced to leave her job in the Ministry of Magic and join the Order of the Phoenix. Though she’d long since gotten over her love for Charlie McKinnon, she’d never gotten over the fact that he’d been murdered in perhaps the most gruesome manner of anyone in the family.

It was the original Order of the Phoenix that kept the Marauders together. Lily and James had stuck together, as had James and Sirius, but it was very rare that they saw Peter outside of these meetings, and any contact with Remus outside of them was virtually nonexistent.

James and Lily were married on Lily’s birthday a year after James originally proposed the idea of proposal. It was a tiny ceremony, because even then a huge ceremony was a target for attack, especially since James had decided to become an auror. Lily chose a different route entirely, instead opting to work in the Ministry of Magic in Muggle-Wizarding relations.

The end of the story is well known, so it bears no repeating. However, it is interesting to note that, years after the house in Godric’s Hollow was burnt down, a casual passerby happened to notice a redheaded girl on a yellow bike zooming by. It was someone he’d never seen before, that he knew; but before he could get a closer look, the girl disappeared, almost as though she’d never been there at all.

THE END