Always Second Best

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A/N: Remember this is angst-ish.

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His thoughts always come back to her.

When we got together they had long since been over. But - But his thoughts still always come back to her. Of course he never really has to say it, I can tell by looking into his eyes.

What everyone says has always reigned true: I can read him like a book.

It's Harry. I know Harry inside and out, probably more than he knows himself. It's natural the way I can read him…I can't and won't bother trying to explain it. Just one look into his eyes and I know his thoughts. He sometimes hates it, too, but I can't help it.

And I know he thinks of her more than he'll ever admit.

Every time we visit the Burrow they're eyes lock, and there's this moment in which time seems to just stop for the two of them, and they're caught up in the past, the days when he was ignorantly happy with her.

With her it was always different. With her he didn't have to face reality, he could get tangled up in a fantasy world which consisted of snogs by the lake and jokes about Ron, and the worst thing that would ever happen was Ginny's O.W.L. schedule.

I know with her he had a nice, peaceful existence.

The day he walked away from her he gave that up, and now even years later I can still see that dull resentment in his eyes.

He loves me, I believe he does, though he's never said it. But - But that doesn't change his ongoing yearn to go back to that fantasy world.

Sometimes I try so hard to be what he wants…sometimes I wish I were a spinning image of Ginny, and maybe then he'll be happy.

For anyone will be happy with her - with Ginny Weasley. She is the epitome of perfection, or at least she is this way in Harry's eyes. I hate and still do hate myself for thinking these dreadful thoughts, for letting them corrupt me and fill me to my very core.

But it's true, all very much true.

The fact of the matter is, I, Hermione Jane Granger will always be second best in the heart of Harry Potter.

I long ago accepted trying to compete with her. She was on this sort of high pedestal where the entrance to his fantasy world was. I dunno why I've never built up the courage to step away from him, to tell him I not going to settle for second best.

I am supposed to be on that high pedestal, not Ginny.

Of course, despite the fact that I am a Gryffindor, I don't possess much bravery.

I'm a coward. I never have told him how he makes me feel second best. Maybe if I did he would have assured me I'm not. Perhaps I would have found out once and for all how Harry really felt, because it's grown to be like some great, unsolvable mystery.

He's never very good with expressing himself.

His words always get jumbled and come out all twisted around, and it only makes him retreat further away from telling his feelings.

I know he hates it when I say this, but he's the most sensitive man I've ever met in some retrospects.

He shies away from his feelings like a rhinoceros near fire.

I suppose for the rest of my life I'll stay like this, by his side with my all of my questions and doubts unanswered until the day he comes to me and tells me he loves me (if he does).

Because I can't bear to ask him if he'd choose Ginny over me; I can't bear for him to shrink away from me, and give me stony silence. I'd rather live with doubt than live alone. When you're alone the quiet is maddening.

Still, with all the questions lurking in my mind day and night I can't help but wonder if maybe the want for Ginny will grow to such a height, reaching its final peak, and he'll leave me for her. I don't think he'd be disloyal to me. I hope not.

It's just it's going to be difficult. And maybe one day I'll be brave and I'll tell him how he makes me feel, how he makes me think I'm second best.

I shouldn't be second best. I'm his girlfriend, his lover.

Yet I love him so much it hurts sometimes, and that is why I will stay with him until my very last day.

But - But it's just…his thoughts always come back to her. And then I'll frown, and I'll feel that familiar misery of being second best. Always.

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A/N #2: Thank you for reading and please review (also please no flames).

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