Out

Forever Optimistic

Rating: R
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 5
Published: 15/01/2006
Last Updated: 15/01/2006
Status: completed

[one-shot] Disillusioned by war, Lily finds her way out.

Chapters

1. Out

1. Out

A/N: Originally posted on tarie's jameslilyfqf challenge on livejournal. Challenge: Lily finds out she's pregnant. A big thank you to Molly and John for the beta.

Out

“You seem…distracted.”

“I'm…not…dis…trac…ted.”

“Then…what's…the matter?”

“Just…oh…shut…up,” I breathe, nearly over the edge.

He continues with the maddening pace that I have grown accustomed to since we realized the good side was losing the war. Every moment spent together is a blessing to us, and no matter what I tell him, I need him in moments like these just to make sure I'm still alive.

“James!” I scream, as my body convulses under him.

He soon follows with his own orgasm and we both lay on the bed, our bodies tangled and sticky with sweat. He kisses my forehead and leaves light kisses along my jaw as my breathing slows and I'm finally able to open my eyes. He looks at me with such care that I want to burst into tears. He shifts his weight off of me and I immediately feel empty. I turn my body to face his and bury my face in his chest, breathing in his musky smell and eliciting a sigh from him, causing his strong arms to draw me closer to him.

“What's wrong, Lily?” he whispers in my ear, “You seem preoccupied today.”

“Nothing's wrong, James,” I whisper back, “I'm just a little tired from our unyielding shagging.”

His body vibrates next to mine as he suppresses a chuckle, and I'm content that my response is enough to put him at ease. He's soon bringing my body closer to his, holding me tight as if I was a part of him. His breathing slows down and I know he's asleep.

I love moments like these, when it's just the two us. The war has taken so many moments away from us that it's beginning to feel like I have to fight in order to spend time with my husband. It isn't fair that he has to be so reckless; forever undaunted by whatever Death Eater stands in the way of what is right. It isn't fair that we have to sacrifice our first year as newlyweds to a cause that we're rapidly losing and that has no end in sight. If there was anything I could do to stop him from volunteering to take on extra duties for the Order, I would do it in a heart beat. He doesn't seem to understand, and I can't bring myself to tell him that I can't take it anymore. This war and the Order are taking everything I ever wanted away from me. I fight because I can't let these psychopaths destroy the world I know and love and I fight because I have to. Most importantly, however, I fight to protect the single most important person in my life. James is the reason I get up in the morning and James is the reason I haven't told Dumbledore to go to hell.

But James is right; I have been distracted. Thoughts of war and duty have taken a back seat to anxiety about our future as a family. It was brought to my attention two days ago, but I've been afraid to do anything about it. The irregularities, the morning sickness, the fainting spells; they could only mean one thing. I almost fainted when it dawned on me and broke down into tears immediately afterwards. We're only a pair of nineteen year olds living in a world that's full of infinite uncertainties after all. What happens if I am pregnant? Am I ready? Is James ready? What do we know about raising a child anyway?

I fix my gaze on James' sleeping form and slowly take his arm off from around my waist. There's a charm I found just yesterday that's supposed to let me know whether I'm pregnant or not. I know I'm not ready to find out, but I have to know. What if this is our way out of the war? Will knowing that I'm carrying his child make James step down from the dangers he readily takes on everyday?

As I get off the bed and put my robe on, I can't help feeling lost and confused. James and I have never even talked about having children. As married teenagers, our lives at home are pretty simple. With a child around, our lives are going to be turned completely upside down. I walk into the loo as quietly as possible, but it feels like the loudest room in our flat. My heart is pounding so fast that I can't think, I can't breathe. My hands are shaking as I begin to perform the charm that would be so simple under any other circumstances, but just now, I can't even hold my wand up properly. I take a moment to calm my breathing down before proceeding, but really, there isn't anything in the world that can take this anxiety away.

The charm is performed, and there's a burning sensation in my stomach; it will take a few minutes to work. If a red glow begins to emit from the region around my belly button, I'm pregnant; if the burning sensation stops and there is no glow within five minutes, I'm not pregnant. I unfasten my robe so that I'm looking at myself in front of the mirror, and I can't help imagining what I will look like if I am pregnant. I place my hands in front of my stomach, making an arch and squinting so that it looks like if my stomach is protruding. I smile at the image that is created in my head, and then I begin to think about what James will say. What if he doesn't want a child? Worse yet, what if he turns out to be a bad father? That would never happen, I think.

There's a stirring in the bedroom, and I know James is awake. I know he's looking around the bedroom, half blind and frustrated, thinking I've gone to the kitchen to cry as I do many nights these days.

“Lily?” he calls out.

“I'm in here,” I call out, and I begin to panic because I haven't gotten the results yet and I want to know before he sees me.

“Is anything wrong?” he asks, and I know he's walking towards the door, his brows furrowed, and a concerned look on his face.

“Nothing's wrong, James, I'll be out in a minute,” I respond as I lock the door. “Just go back to bed.”

“Are you sure?” he asks again, sounding very worried.

I smile at the tone of his voice because I know he cares so much for me. How could I question whether or not James will be a good father? He has never treated me with anything but love and tender care and I know he would do the same for our child. I have been around him and his group of friends for far too long to think James could be anything but the best father a child could have.

A tear rolls down my cheek when I remember the way James always plays mediator between Sirius and Peter in whatever squabble they're engaged in. He always playfully admonishes Sirius for being so harsh on Peter, and always has words of encouragement for Peter afterwards, never letting him get down on himself. I marvel at the way James makes Remus smile when he ruffles his friend's hair as he joins him in the dining room for a chess match he's sure to lose, but has to play anyway just to let Remus know he cares. James is like a father to all of them. Their leader. Their safeguard. A true Gryffindor in every sense to those three men and the only one that could ever keep the marauders in check.

The burning sensation in my stomach stops, and when I look down, there's an ethereal glow on my skin. I burst out laughing, and I know in an instant that everything's going to be alright.

“Lily?” James asks again when he hears me laughing. He sounds confused, and I can see him now in my head, sitting on our rumpled bed with a crooked smile and a raised eyebrow, waiting for my explanation.

“I'm fine, I'm fantastic,” I answer back, and I know I am. James will make a great father, I will make a great mother, and the war will have to take a back seat to our family. Everything's going to be just fine.

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