Solace

Secret Lily

Rating: R
Genres: Drama, Romance
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 6
Published: 20/01/2006
Last Updated: 03/04/2006
Status: in_progress

Lily Evans remained shadowed and distant from the world she loved so dearly. Control was Michael's weakness temptation hers. Yet, when James Potter enters her life, without so much as a warning or brief hesitation, Lily finds truth.

Chapters

1. One To Appease

2. One To Anticipate

3. One To Oblige

4. One To Listen

1. One To Appease

Solace

Chapter One--One To Appease

Sixteen years old and full of life. Charming, cheeky, witty, popular. Lily Evans encompassed not only one of those personality traits, but all. She was everything and more. She was everyone’s sidekick, everyone’s distant companion. Yet, she was alone in more ways than even she could identify.

“God, Michael, I said no.”

And there she was, fending off a boy who had mistreated her for two years. Two long, hard years. She had been innocent when he had found her, when he had chosen her. Fourteen years old, vulnerable, and allured. An older boy had taken interest in her, Lily Evans, the bashful redhead with what appeared no personality. Oh, how wrong they had all been.

His persistent hands and painful kisses were the last thing she needed. Her pride was already bruised, damaged beyond repair, but she could still attempt to maintain her dignity.

Michael Crouch, a charming, extremely good looking seventh year, merely grinned wolfishly up at his girlfriend. His clear cerulean eyes were enchanting and even after two years, the effect had not worn thin. If it were not for those devilishly innocent eyes she probably would have come to her senses a year and a half ago. Yet, there was nothing she could do. She was powerless in their presence. Those eyes.

“Honestly, Lily,” he laughed, his voice harsh and flirtatious at the same time. He had the ability to make the cruelest words sound romantic. “It’s not as if we never have.”

“That’s not the point,” Lily snapped, pushing him off of her and reaching for her blouse. She buttoned the front hastily. “I’m just not in the mood. Especially after what you did tonight.”

It was Saturday, which obviously meant the two of them had attended a party.

The staff of Hogwarts knew many things about the castle. They roamed the corridors eagerly each night, anticipating the rush of distributing a detention. They looked forward to students out of bed. It was a highlight, a prize. Catching a student out after curfew was basically a way of reestablishing the staff’s power over the students.

What they didn’t know was that out on the Quidditch Pitch, an extremely obvious yet unlikely setting, parties were thrown each and every Friday and Saturday night. Hagrid, the groundskeeper, knew of these so-called gatherings, yet never mentioned a word to the headmaster. He seemed to appreciate the youth of the situation.

That night, that particular Saturday night, the party had gotten out of hand. Fighting, drinking, jealousy. And of course, Michael had been the one orchestrating it all. Lily had known he was beyond drunk the moment he oh-so-charmingly puked in a nearby bush. Yet, she had put up with it, despite his extremely stubborn temper. She had rubbed his back soothingly, the scene replaying in her mind for the umpteenth time.

If it had not been for the liquor in Michael’s system and that damn James Potter, everything would have gone over just swell. The party would have eventually died out and Lily would have helped Michael up the castle steps. Yet, she needn’t have even attempted so.

XXX

The air had been fresh that night, the grounds slightly chilly. The students danced through the leaves, the colors swirling wondrously in uneven patterns. The dull music was catchy, even for someone as tone deaf as Lily. She hummed along, a half empty drink clenched in her small, pale hand.

She knew she couldn’t drink a lot as Michael would most likely drink enough for both of them. He was being particularly cold that night, barely even looking at her. When he wasn’t drinking, he was standing sullenly behind her, his protective arm around her shoulders. She knew it was a dominance issue.

Whatever makes him feel better, she had thought to herself sarcastically.

She smirked as she saw the Marauders, four bothersome boys in her house and year, crashing in on the party, arms loaded with bottles of fire whiskey.

“Hear, hear,” the crowd murmured, unscrewing the corks of the drinks.

She felt someone’s stares lingering on her. It didn’t make her uneasy or uncomfortable as it should have, seeing as Michael was missing once more. He was probably glaring at her, boasting to one of his friends.

She rubbed her bare arms, goose bumps covering her smooth skin. She looked around, hoping to catch Michael’s eye. She wanted to leave. They had been there for what felt like hours. The party was dull and boring, not something she enjoyed.

She was used to these parties though. She was dragged to them frequently, neglected and left to amuse herself. He was sociable with most, those who could tolerate him, that is. His consistent use of elaboration tended to irritate people. Lily reasoned to herself that they simply didn’t understand him the way she did.

She often thought of them as tortured lovers, two loners who were merely forced to become one. She knew it probably wasn’t true, but she enjoyed feeding herself little romantic stories, even if they contradicted reality.

Still searching for those bright aquamarine eyes that were extremely visible in the night, Lily found the culprit. Of course it was him. It was always him. He never could take no for an answer.

James Potter, the foolish ringleader of the four boys referred to as the Marauders, was staring at her from across the pitch. She should have known it was him. Michael was far too blitzed to even remember where she was sitting.

He wasn’t smirking, wasn’t laughing, wasn’t even smiling. He was simply watching her, his curious hazel eyes sizing her up and down, through and through. Even though she knew he wasn’t watching her as means of perversion, she had never felt more violated by anyone in her entire life. He was looking at her so deeply, so unusual, it scared her.

And that was why she screamed when Michael put this hand on the small of her back. She had been so lost in thought, so deep in question, she hadn’t expected him. She hadn’t seen those magnetic eyes in the night. She had been connecting with a stranger.

“What were you looking at?” Michael asked, his words slurring unevenly. Lily had broken her gaze with Potter, her face physically paling.

“Nothing,” she lied quickly. She didn’t know why she was lying, but she figured it was for the best. If she told him the truth, it was likely that things would get ugly. Michael had an awful jealous streak.

“Liar,” he mumbled. “Full of lies, my dear Lily. Lies, lies, lies. Pure, my ass.” He raised his bottle, tipping it to pour the amber liquid into his open mouth. He turned to her, grabbing her arm harshly, and began pulling her away from the party. He pulled so hard, his fingers clenching into her bare skin, sending chills through the goose bumps.

“Who were you looking at, Lily?” he asked her. Normally, when he was drunk, his attention span was pretty much non-existent. She was surprised he had been able to keep his thoughts focused for a change. “Fancy someone?”

“Of course not,” she answered hesitantly. She knew he had a control issue, always had, but she wished he would let her go. Yet, his hold on her was strong.

“Just tell me,” he shouted unreasonably. His dark, soft brown hair fell gracefully into his eyes as he shook his head furiously. Even through his temper, he was beautiful to her. It was mesmerizing.

“Shut up,” she whispered. “Do you want to get caught?”

He swore under his breath, muttering about, “Excuses” and turned to face her, his other hand clenching her shoulder.

“You always do this,” he told her, shaking her, her red curls flying askew in the air. “Always do it, Lily. Always make me miserable.”

“Let me go,” she pleaded. “Let me go, Michael.”

She had experienced worst, but knew that things could escalate quickly when he was drunk. His temper was at it’s lowest when he was intoxicated. Lily knew from experience; she had been on the receiving end many times.

She had closed her eyes, preparing for a blow to the face, when she felt his arms fall from her shoulders. Peering through her hands, Lily saw James Potter, a perfect stranger, throwing her boyfriend to the ground.

Michael attempted to stand up, his face contorted in anger. “Potter,” he shouted accusingly. “You!”

“Come on, Michael, let’s just get in the castle,” Lily told him, hoping to distract him from James, who had turned to look at her once more.

I wish he would stop doing that, she had thought.

“Are you alright?” he asked, eyeing her bruised arms.

“I’m fine,” she told him sternly. “You shouldn’t have done that. I could have taken care of it.”

“What was I supposed to do?” James asked her, those hazel eyes almost as distracting as Michael’s. Almost. “Let him hit you?”

“It’s none of your business, Potter,” she exclaimed. “Now, please, go back to your friends, get piss drunk, and have yourself a merry time. I, however, have to take care of my boyfriend.”

When she left, leading Michael to the castle, she couldn’t help but look back at James Potter, one boy who had actually seen her. One boy who had seen past the smile and the laughter. He had seen her fear. And he had followed.

A/N: This story is pretty much going to be AU. I have some ideas in store for it. I have no idea at the present time of approximate length and/or the date of the next update. I do, however, hope you enjoyed it. It’s a lot different for me and I personally had some fun writing it.

2. One To Anticipate

Solace

Chapter Two--One To Anticipate

October 31st, the momentous occasion of Halloween, was approaching and Lily couldn’t been more anxious. She always enjoyed the festivities that occurred around the castle on the night of All Hollow’s Eve, which allowed her to succumb back to her childish ways. She was a kid again, in every essence, during the Halloween feast. Her green eyes would eye the candy greedily, anticipating the moment the sweet sugar would touch her tongue. Despite her authority as Prefect, she enjoyed the annual prank the Marauders set forth for the holiday. Normally, fireworks were involved.

Fireworks. Lily was always fascinated with the colors, the noise, the effect they held on people. It was as if, for one moment, everyone in the entire room forgot about their problems and allowed themselves to live in the moment. The fireworks seemed to temporarily ease all the pain, all the sadness, and allowed only joy and merriment. Lily loved fireworks. She found herself lost in the blaze, mesmerized by the dancing sparks.

Michael constantly teased her for such petty satisfaction, but Lily refused to care. She always looked forward to the fireworks. Always.

XXX

“Potter,” Lily called, only two days before Halloween. She had been in the library studying when she heard someone leave abruptly from their seat. Seeing that unruly mess of jet black hair, she had followed James Potter out into the hallway.

He turned, those enchanting eyes gazing immediately into her own. For a moment, she was dumbfounded by the intense glare, but settled on dismissing it.

As he faced her, his eyebrow cocked and his bag resting gently on his shoulder, she couldn’t help but notice how his lips were curled into a slight smirk, as if he’d known she’d follow.

“I just wanted to apologize for the other night,” she said quickly, referring back to the party. “Michael was a bit drunk and well, he didn’t have much control. I understand that you were only doing what you thought right and well, I was hoping we could work past it.”

He considered her words and retorted slowly, “Evans, when you say work past this so-called issue, what exactly lies ahead?”

“Well, we’ve never been what you call pals,” she said, which in turn caused him to snort. “I just thought we could maintain some sort of acquaintanceship.”

“You mean neutral ground?” he inquired, his hair falling restlessly into his eyes.

She nodded, tucking her hair nervously behind her ear. “Yes.”

“Well, I suppose so,” James reasoned. “I mean, I’ve always been sort of interested in you. As a person, I mean.”

She knew that the two of them had moved past the ‘Evans, go out with me’ phase and had matured immensely over the summer. She only held one discrepancy.

“We need to keep this a secret,” she informed him, her voice low and serious.

“Our acquaintanceship?” he asked, bemused. The amusement in his smirk left her uncomfortable.

“You know how Michael Crouch is, Potter,” she told him stiffly. “He has a horrible jealous side to him and well, I really shouldn’t have to explain how terribly protective he can get. You’ve seen it first-hand for yourself.”

She saw a slight change in his facial expression, as if recalling what he’d seen the previous weekend. Reluctantly, he agreed.

Something inside of Lily that day had told her that befriending James Potter may not have been as horrible as Michael would have made it out to be. He didn’t seem romantically interested in the least, only curious. Since the party on the Quidditch field and James’ intense focus on her, she’d been extremely interested in what lied behind Potter’s public persona.

So, the two of them walked from the castle and towards the lake, where they would surely remain unspotted. Michael was busy being tutored for Potions by the Head Girl, which allowed Lily some free time.

“Can I be honest?” James asked, forcing his hands into his pockets casually.

“Of course,” she told him sincerely. “Aren’t you always?”

“Well, under normal circumstances, yes, but there are occasional white lies. Plus, there are things we all keep inside of us that well, we just don’t mention all the time. And this happens to be one of those out-of-the-blue comments.”

“Go on,” Lily told him, somewhat intrigued by what he’d had to say.

“Something about you seems incredibly peculiar,” he told her bluntly. She laughed derisively, not particularly offended in the least. He grinned lazily and elaborated. “I mean, you put on this smile around everyone, this emotionless grin. And yet, your eyes say different. Your eyes just seem trapped and afraid.”

Lily took a sharp intake of air in, aware that the conversation had turned from playful to deep in about one sentence. Potter had said all that she felt, all that she’d been hiding from the world. He’d noticed what Michael hadn’t even second guessed. She obviously hadn’t hidden her feelings too well. She didn’t take herself for one to wear her heart on her sleeve, yet, she wondered if she’s held the wrong perception of her image all along.

“I mean, when you smile, don’t take this offensively but, it’s just not real. You don’t seem to have any reason behind it whatsoever. To you, a smile is just a gesture. It's not symbolic in the least. It's never unexpected, it never takes you by surprise. I’ve just been pondering for a couple of weeks now why anyone would pretend,” he told her, his head bent low and his eyes focused on his footsteps.

How did one respond to such profound accusations? Even if they could be considered slightly true, Lily wasn’t sure if he was even searching for an answer.

“And what about you?” she retorted back sharply. “You don’t do the same thing? You may throw pranks and laugh your bloody arse off all day, but you’re not fooling me, Potter. You seem just as lonely as I am.”

He sent her a look that clearly answered his previous question; So you are lonely.

In only one hour, James Potter had uncovered more than Michael had in two years.

Uncomfortable with the awkward silence, Lily decided to stray onto more pleasant conversation in hopes of forgetting the painful truth that had stabbed her quickly.

“So, Halloween’s two days away. Should I be expecting the usual from the Marauders?” she inquired coyly.

He laughed, throwing his head back in a surprisingly graceful motion. “No,” he said shortly. “We’ve sort of grown past the pranks. I mean, they’re good fun and all, but the thrill has pretty much worn out at this point. Even Sirius has vetoed against them.”

“Aw, so I have no annual festivities to look forward to on the Marauder’s behalf?” she asked, mocking sadness. Yet, for some reason, it really had sort of upset her. The Marauders were growing up. They were maturing. They were moving on. It almost seemed unreal to her. The school depended on the four Gryffindor boys for mischief and fun. Everyone always seemed to live vicariously through the Marauders’ actions, Lily included.

She knew for the first time that Halloween would no longer be the same for her. She always anticipated the pranks, the treats, the atmosphere in general. The fireworks. Yet, now, there would be no fireworks.

The two of them walked in silence, thoughts troubling them both. She felt his eyes on her for the second time in two weeks and once more, it wasn’t unsettling. She trusted his gaze, although she barely understood it. Yet, she was beginning to realize that he was attempting to learn more about her. To learn what she couldn’t say through words.

XXX

As Lily took a bite of her Chocolate Frog, she forced a smile. Michael planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek, which she chose to ignore. He had obviously spiked his own pumpkin juice and she’d have to deal with him later. He always found a way to ruin what she considered her day. Halloween was the only time of the year that Lily entirely gave herself into. Her birthday, Christmas, and every other holiday simply didn’t compare.

She wasn’t a materialistic person, which made her birthday’s significance even less important. Halloween, however, was a time for laughter, trickery, and triumph. Yet, this year, she couldn’t help but hold back. Her one day, her favorite day, was going to be robbed by Michael’s drunkenness. He was going to celebrate the fact that the Marauders finally seemed to give up on their worthless pranks.

Transfixed by the noise, the joyous buzz circulating throughout the room, Lily stared blankly at the table. She only wished she could enjoy herself. Yet, once again, she was disappointed. She rubbed her sore arm bitterly, knowing the bruise was lying just beneath her sweater.

With such a disappointing Halloween, what hope was left for the other days in the year? What sort of point was she supposed to be receiving?

“Ah, blast, those bleeding fireworks,” she heard Michael grumble as he took a swig from his pumpkin juice.

Lily’s eyes immediately averted to the center of the Great Hall where, sure enough, emerald green fireworks were shimmering brightly. For once, a smile, a genuine smile, appeared upon her face.

“Why green? It’s Halloween. You’d think those Marauders would stick with orange and red,” Michael commented dully.

“The Marauders didn’t plan these apparently,” a seventh year Gryffindor informed Michael.

Lily looked over at James Potter and immediately knew why the fireworks were emerald green. And she was grateful. Pleased and grateful.

Please review.

3. One To Oblige

Solace

Chapter Three--One To Oblige

Having looked back on Michael’s approach to her two years earlier, Lily had come to realize exactly what had drawn him to her. She had been patient, understanding, and better yet, easy to talk to. Although she hadn’t known it at the time, Michael Crouch was an outcast. His family had deserted him the year before, leaving with him a considerable amount of gold and a shattered ego. He hadn’t offered any explanation as to why they’d banished him from their home, but Lily could only assume.

Coincidentally, she was an outsider as well. Her parents were extremely supportive of all that she achieved, yet they didn’t understand her in the least. They tried, dear Merlin did they try. Only Petunia, her horse faced older sister, seemed to pass judgment.

Lily had waited a year to tell Michael about her family. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him or that she didn’t think he’d understand. It was more of that fact that she wasn’t sure how long he’d stick around. He was a year her senior, extremely attractive, and carried a pure, profound name. He was easily desirable. Yet, he stayed. Even after she had refused to give him what he wanted most, he had stayed.

Lily recalled the night she had told him about her sister vividly. She remembered him asking about her family, curious as to how she interacted with them. And she had told him. She had told him that her parents were two muggles who were extremely proud of her, despite them wishing she’d stayed in their world and become a doctor. She told him about the never-ending taunting she’d endured each and every summer since the age of eleven by her sister, Petunia. She had told him how those nights, those summer nights, the only comfort she’d found were the wet tears on her pillow.

For some strange, unapparent reason at the time, Michael had sympathized. He’d never been known to pass off as compassionate, but that night, he had opened himself up to her. He had broken down, his words filled with fear and layered with guilt.

They had been out by the lake, the moon gleaming wondrously overhead. Not one creature stirred, not even the wind rustled. They had spent hours upon hours sitting by that great body of water, talking of what grieved them the most.

And in that lonely hour, that hour of recovery, Michael had taken her. He had taken from her all that she’d attempted to keep. Yet, she had been willing. She had known the time was right and at that moment, all that she had wanted to do was relieve him of those heavy tears blossoming from his cerulean eyes.

Her first time had been just as she’d expected. Passionate, painful, and unforgettable. She had given him one thing that she’d treasured, one thing that had allowed her to maintain her pride, and now, she could never retrieve it back.

XXX

Lily began spending as much time with James as her schedule allowed. He was started to become a good acquaintance. She didn’t dare think friend, knowing how problematic that might be.

Michael had never been fond of any friends Lily had held. They were inadequate, bothersome, annoying, and unwelcome. She’d once tried befriending a girl in her dorm, Ava Fiore, but Michael had grown extremely jealous. After a bruised collarbone and many painful words, Lily had reluctantly explained to Ava that she really couldn’t spare time for friends, what with her ever-demanding studies.

Although Lily had never explained any of this to James, he seemed to understand. She had never even voiced how possessive and controlling Michael could be, but yet, James Potter seemed to know. And somehow, this gave Lily the slight inclination that perhaps the entire school knew about Michael.

She had never mentioned the fireworks to him, but he seemed to prefer it that way. As did she. She knew it was some secret held between just the two of them, which had basically initiated their trust in one another. She did trust James Potter, which she would have considered extremely unlikely a year before.

He just seemed to know and understand without her having to spell it out to him. The two of them talked of simple things, such as seasons, classes, childhood memories, and what-not. She had learned that James had grown up without any siblings, just as Michael had. It was strange for her to compare the two, seeing as they seemed like complete polar opposites at first glance.

It was a pleasant surprise for her to befriend someone she had misjudged her entire time at Hogwarts. He was full of new, refreshing ideas and he had this undeniable character. She was grateful to have someone to talk to, someone who would listen to Michael couldn’t.

XXX

Gazing at her sore, bruised arms, Lily felt small tears trickle down her pale, smooth face. She had strolled out to the lake to meet Michael. He had kept her waiting two hours, two lonesome hours. He was never good about keeping promises.

She urged herself to go back to bed, to leave him hanging for once. Yet, something inside of her refused. She couldn’t move. Even without his presence, he held a hold on her.

He’d kept her waiting more times than she could count. She could only imagine what he was doing when he wasn’t in her presence. He was under the impression that she held no constraint. He was in control. He made the rules. And he was right. Lily couldn’t even imagine what she would do if he betrayed her in some way. She’d caught wind of rumors and had to force herself to deny them.

The air was chilly, the sky clear and mesmerizing. She lost so many hours of precious sleep for him. She sacrificed so much for him; her social life, her academics, her dignity, and more importantly, her heart. There was only so much she could give.

After what felt like forever, she heard his footsteps stumbling down the castle steps. She couldn’t complain, couldn’t voice her disappointment in him. All she could do was hold him in her arms as he stumbled to sit down. He had been crying once more, a nearly empty bottle of the strongest fire whiskey in his hand. It seemed that whenever she saw him, he was either drunk or close to it.

He sat for some time, his eyes glazed and his hands running up and down her back as gently as he could manage. He did love her, she knew that. He had never been good with words, with control, or with respect.

“Where’ve you been?” she asked him softly, running her hands through his hair affectionately. She made to cover her black and blue arms, but not before he could see them himself. A scowl crossed his face and she wasn’t sure whether he was disappointed in himself or her. He didn’t answer her question, but folded his arms around her.

“Lily, I need you,” he pleaded, his eyes wide in despair. “I need you now. Please.”

And she obliged. Memories flashed through her mind quickly and abruptly. That night, that first night by the lake, replayed in her mind. He had been so vulnerable, so compassionate that night, and now, she saw it escalated even further. He drank his pain away. He resisted his own vulnerability by taking advantage of hers. Yet, she remained. She kissed him slowly, his rough hands coursing their way up and down her body eagerly. She had lost control. She had lost all that she had once prided. She was at his beck and call. She was completely and entirely his.

A/N: Please review.

4. One To Listen

Solace

Chapter Four--One To Listen

The situation Lily shared with Michael Crouch wasn’t clear. She constantly questioned herself; her actions, her thoughts, her heart. What was it that drew her to him? What was it that kept the two of them, a total and complete train wreck of a couple, together? She felt glued to him, unable to escape even if she’d wanted to.

Perhaps it was insecurity. Maybe it was actually love. Yet, Lily couldn’t even imagine life without Michael. She could barely remember life before him. It was hazy and unclear, as if it didn’t actually exist. Fourth year had changed everything.

The drinking, the subtle signs of abuse, the inner-battle that was tormenting him. It was all escalating so quickly, piling itself upon Lily forcefully. She was having trouble comprehending exactly why Michael was acting in such a manner. He had always been a bit aggressive, but Lily had always considered it passion. She had forgiven each and every instance without a second thought. Yet, now, something inside of her was rebelling. She needed to speak. She needed to release it all.

She had no real friends. She knew nearly everyone at the school because of Michael. He was really the popular one. She was just a sidekick, a girlfriend, a companion, a fake. So many students, so many so-called friends, but who to choose? Who was trusting enough to truly withhold her information?

It always led back to James. He seemed to be the only real friend she had. She could no longer consider herself an outcast, a fraud. She did have a friend. She had someone to confide in. She had someone to trust. She knew that if need be, James would always be there for her. It was new, refreshing even. The trouble was, how to tell him?

XXX

On a bitterly cold November morning, Lily carefully wrapped herself in a pale blue knit sweater, hugging her arms around her body for warmth. Michael hadn’t shown any ‘odd’ behavior for the past couple of weeks, which indicated to Lily that he was most likely over whatever had been troubling him.

As she walked through the Great Hall, she felt Michael’s gaze from his seat at the Slytherin table. She knew that he would probably join her in a few moments’ time so, she divulged herself in a tall glass of orange juice and proceeded to open the mail that had been left for her by her owl, Dora. She wasn’t one to indulge in the Daily Prophet, having been thoroughly convinced by Michael that it was all rubbish. She preferred minding her own and keeping out of the turmoil the wizarding world was facing.

After reading about the death of a fellow student a year earlier, Lily had decided for herself that the Prophet wasn’t the best way to keep her spirits high. Call it superstition, but she didn’t wish to jinx anything upon herself.

So, it was a rare oddity that she had received mail. She smiled a bit to herself as she gently held a neat, white envelope in her hands. As she opened it, the smell of her mother’s old jasmine perfume brought back joyous recollections of the earlier days, her life before Hogwarts. It seemed so far away, so impossible to reach. She was glad that her mother refused to let her forget.

She felt Michael’s quick kiss graze her cheek and his arms swiftly wrapping themselves around her waist.

“Good morning,” she greeted, her eyes scanning the letter.

“Who’s writing to you, love?” he asked her, his gaze dropping onto the carefully scrawled words of Mrs. Evans.

“Just my mum,” Lily replied quickly, unable to see the sudden change in Michael’s expression.

“You mean she still writes to you?” he inquired, his tone not only curious, but brash.

“Of course she does,” Lily told him, dropping the letter and smiling. “I mean, we may have our disagreements, but she is still my mother. She just wanted to let me know that Petunia’s having her wedding in February.”

“Petunia? Your sister? You’re not actually going to attend, are you? I mean, she’s made your life hell from what I can judge,” he told her.

“Well, yes, but she’s my sister,” she told him evenly. “I have to attend. It just wouldn’t set right with me if I missed it.”

His clear, bright eyes darkened hastily, his mouth thinning at her every word. She released his hold on her, standing quickly. “And I thought you understood,” he muttered, his voice low and quiet. “But you don’t. You’re just like every other melodramatic teenager in this fucking institution.”

“Wait, Michael,” Lily called, unaware that he had stopped caring about her words the moment she’d mentioned her mother’s letter. She watched him leave the Great Hall, unable to pinpoint exactly where she’d gone wrong.

It was only when she felt the salty taste on her lips did she realize that a small tear had trickled it’s way slowly down her face. She wiped it away, in a numb state of shock and confusion.

“Evans,” she heard someone say, a dark figure standing before her uncertainly. “Want to take a walk?”

She looked up, knowing exactly who it was. Those hazel eyes were not full of pity nor mock.

“We have class, James,” she told him quietly, folding her letter back into the envelope.

“I didn’t ask you if we had class,” he told her. “I asked you if you’d like a walk.”

Smiling, she nodded. “Yes, I think I would.”

XXX

For the longest time, the two of them said nothing. They simply walked. They walked as far as the Hogwarts grounds would lead them. They walked around the partially frozen lake, towards the Whomping Willow, near Hagrid’s cottage, until they reached the entrance to the Forbidden Forest.

Lily sent him a small, appreciative smile to signify that she understood that it was best if Michael didn’t spot them. He would perceive it entirely wrong, lose his temper, and most likely cause unnecessary damage upon both of them.

She had always been cautious when walking near the Forbidden Forest, but once she was in it, she realized it was nothing more than another part of the magical community. The creatures were virtually harmless, the plants minded their own, and a dirt path was distinct and visible. The sunlight guided them. She looked over at James, who was completely and entire at ease, his hands in his pockets and his unruly hair swaying in turn with the wind.

“I know what he’s going through,” James told her, not needing to elaborate upon who exactly he was. “When I was a child, my parents explained to me that there were two types of wizards in the world. There were those who lived to live and those who lived to serve. Those who lived to serve could generally be classified as dark, unable to find their own path. They explained to me that those who lived to live, those who valued all that their life had to offer, worked to prevent those who lived to serve from causing a disturbance.”

Lily followed, his words not only abrupt and a bit surprising, but also slightly confusing. He was speaking from a child’s point of view, as if he was merely repeating what his parents had told him without hesitating to examine it. Their words were gold.

“My parents lived to live. They trained immediately out of high school to pursue their dreams. Both had identified their purpose early on. They became Aurors, working to fight those who served and perhaps still serve Voldemort. It wasn’t until their boss passed that they realized that they needed to live. They married and despite my mum’s age, had me. I grew up frightened, knowing all too well about the death rate in their field. I couldn’t imagine life without them. If my parents were to be killed in the line of duty, my entire world would collapse. I’ve always wondered how I would take it. Would I move on, knowing that’s what they’d want, or would I become a monster? I’ve dwelled on death since the age of five.”

Potter, with the bluest blood of all, seemed to surprise her by the moment. His words, so compassionate and caring, didn’t seem to relate to Michael in the least. He must have sensed her need for elaboration.

“I’m not excusing his behavior in any way, Lily,” James told her. “He’s become something so horrible, so dark, that I’m surprised you can even bear to be in his presence. But, the point is, you can. He’s lucky for someone like you, whether he realizes it or not.”

“James,” she intervened at last. “Your words are kind and all, but if I can be honest, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“What do you mean?” he inquired. “You mean he hasn’t told you? After all this time he hasn’t even mentioned it?”

“Mentioned what?” she asked him, her voice cracking with worry. What hadn’t he told her?

“It was in the Prophet and everything,” he told her, still bemused as to how she could be kept in the dark for so long.

“I don’t read the Prophet,” Lily informed him, tucking a strand of auburn hair behind her slightly red ears.

“The Crouch family,” he began uncomfortably, not wanting to deliver news that wasn’t rightfully his. “Is gone. They were killed back in July. And well, I can only interpret Michael’s behavior as a direct result of such.”

Killed?

“What do you mean?” she asked, frazzled. “They’re all gone? All of them?”

“Well, not the entire family,” James told her awkwardly. “Only Michael’s mum, dad, and brother. All three worked at the Ministry for quite some time and well, it was understandable that they’d be targets, but it was so unexpected. I can’t believe he didn’t ask you to attend the funeral.”

“He hasn’t even mentioned it,” Lily told James, flabbergasted. “How could he keep something like this to me? I mean, I know it’s his burden, but I’m his girlfriend. You’d think he’d have enough sense to share something this horrible with me.”

It all began to make sense. His drinking. She had mistaken it for attempting to drown out his past. But really, he was trying to escape his present.

“Thank you,” she told James, pausing in her tracks to grab his hand.

He nodded, surprising her. He hadn’t flinched when she’d placed his hand in hers.

“It all makes sense to me now,” she told James quietly, more to herself than to him. She needed to get it out and now, she knew exactly who would listen. “This may not excuse his behavior, but it at least explains it. You see, James, he’s been vulnerable and afraid. He was never able to say goodbye to them properly. Everything has been left unraveled. He still has loose ends to tie and now, he’ll never be able to do so.”

“How do you know?” James asked her, his hand still in hers.

“I feel the same way,” she told him wisely. She now knew what she had to do. She needed to talk to Michael, to tell him everything. She needed to get through to him, to set limits, and to regain her dignity.

A/N: Please review. More will be answered in the following chapters.