Obsessive Lily Disorder

Procrastinator-starting2moro

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 6
Published: 21/01/2006
Last Updated: 03/04/2006
Status: in_progress

James worships the ground Lily, er, throws him on? The story includes James Potter stalking, heavy doses of Polyjuice potion, never-ending Marauder rambling about women’s boobies, and Prongs suicidal acts such as drowning in toilet bowls because Apple Of His Eye Evans hates his guts. Or does she? It all started when the marauders spied on Lily from the bloom closet...

Chapters

1. Confined in the broom closet

2. Missing marauder

3. Ridiculous rhyming

4. More Siriusly absurd ideas

5. Seducing all around

1. Confined in the broom closet

Authors note: I warn you of incoming randomness, and please do not eat food or sip any drink whilst reading this story. Many readers are planning to sue me for getting their faces melted with coffee or choking on popcorn.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my sadistic humour.

Obsessive-Lily-Disorder

Inspired by the lyrics:

Is this more than you bargained for yet

Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet

Wishing to be the friction in your jeans

Sugar we're going down, Fall Out Boy

Chapter 1

"I'm bored," complained Sirius, "I want to do something."

"And I want a million galleons," James retorted, "but we can't have everything now, can we."

The four marauders, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs had somehow manoeuvred themselves into the space of the broom closet.

None of them were gymnasts or skilled in the art of flexibility, no matter how much Sirius protested he'd gotten into some very dirty and supple moves with a sexy Hufflepuff under one of the great hall tables at breakfast.

"Ughh," Remus spoke with distaste. "Did any of you have a bath?" he asked, trying to block his nose with the odd position of his arm that was bent in such an unnatural way.

The four sixth year boys had cramped themselves in one of Hogwarts number one snogging spots, something they would most certainly not share with anyone, ever. Of course, it would probably emotionally scar them for the rest of their lives, and maybe physically too with each others unusually sharp and pointy limbs. The boys were in very close approximates of each other. Much too close.

"Peter, your knee is getting dangerously near my groin area," Remus said uncomfortably. "I suggest you move it."

"Better do what the man says, Wormtail, or Moony might unleash his inner werewolf on you," Sirius warned him, fidgeting as he tried making himself in a more comfortable position, or in fact, some sort of position of cosiness, free of pain. Peter mumbled an apology to Remus, and then tried redirecting his leg to another position.

"Merlin, Wormtail! Now your leg is practically riding up my arse!"

"Shhh!" James glared at his friends who were being, in his opinion, totally selfish. He turned his gaze back on the gap of the door where he was spying for a particular someone outside the door.

"James, was it really necessary for us to join you on this...er, observation?" Remus couldn’t find a right word to explain what on earth James was doing.

James squinted as he eyed the gap. "Yes. I needed the company."

"Well, if you need the company then why won't you let us ta--?"

"Ssshh, Wormtail," James hushed again.

As you can tell, only one of the marauders was there by choice, the other three dragged along for moral support, or more likely as 'groupies'.

James grimaced as he felt one of Peter’s wet sneezes splatter against his face. Remus for some odd reason started violently coughing; all this due to Sirius' heavy cologne that was slowly suffocating them to death.

"Sirius, are you trying to gag us all?" Remus questioned, throat scratchy from coughing.

Sirius was thoroughly insulted. "I did have a date tonight," he revealed bitterly, "but then Prongs decided to drag me along to stalk Evans."

"I am not stalking Evans!"

"Really?" said Sirius, mockingly. "Then explain to us why exactly we are in the broom closet."

James sighed and retold his explanation. "Because I overheard Evans talking to that prick Derrick that she would go kiss him in the broom closet," he spoke in a very much peeved voice.

"So, you decided to drag us to the broom closet and kiss us instead?" Peter jumped to conclusions, very much disgusted in return.

"No, sod off. I just wanted to spy on her and stop whatever was going to happen." James smiled evilly and cracked a knuckle.

Remus backtracked to what James had said about ‘accidentally’ listening on Lily's conversation with the Ravenclaw.

"You 'overheard'," said Remus, unconvinced. "Elaborate."

"Alright, so I was under the invisibility cloak and I eavesdropped! Bloody hell! Nosey Moony…"

Remus smiled as he knew James never accidentally overheard conversations, but was also a little insulted at being called nosey when James was practically one of the nosiest people he knew.

Remus thought back to the part of James’ sentence mentioning the cloak. "Wait a minute, you used the cloak. Why didn't you just use it now to spy on Lily?"

James looked at Remus blankly.

"Bugger!" James slammed his head on the broom closet door. Sirius found this all hysterically funny and laughed at James' lack of common sense. Peter giggled silently along but couldn't continue as a wad of Sirius hair had entered his mouth due to their jam-packed conditions.

"You are a perfect example of why some species eat their young," said Sirius smugly, flicking a strand of black hair that was covering his eye, unfortunately elbowing Remus in the process.

"Ufftt," groaned Remus, the elbow smacking him profoundly in the cheek.

"Did you think of that witty comment all by yourself?" Peter asked in awe.

"Er, no. I read it on the back of a Hogsmeade chocolate bar wrapper."

"Well, we're here now anyway, so sod the cloak idea." James ruffled his dark hair, accidentally poking Peter in the eye.

"How long are we going to be in here?" Sirius complained. "Not that I don't love pressing up to all of you, but I've got a reputation to keep y'know. A reputation that doesn't involve hanging around with friends in enclosed spaces. Male friends especially."

"Are you saying you have female friends?" Peter asked.

"Of course I do!"

"Alright then, name one."

"Err...Bellatrix!"

"She's your cousin," Remus pointed out. "Relations don't count."

"Besides, have you forgotten that you hate her guts and want a thestral to mow her down," James reminded him.

"Just because I think she's a bitch, doesn't mean she's not my friend," Sirius argued. "I think you're all bitches, but you're still my friends." He poked each boy in the face.

"My cheek smells of pie. Merlin knows where that finger has been," Remus said disgustedly as he wiped his face.

"What's your favourite flavour of pie?" Peter asked the boys, a slight dribble of drool slipping from the corner of his mouth at the mention of food.

"I like apple pie," said Sirius.

"I'm more of a cherry pie person myself," Peter revealed. Sirius nodded in understanding.

"No, I find peach pie-"

"Stop talking, we're not having this pie conversation again," Remus cut in sternly. If somebody had asked Remus to pick three people to be stuck in a closet with, similar to the famous question of being stuck on an island, lets just say he would choose more intellectual company.

"What time is it?" asked James, still focusing on the gap of door, watching intently for any signs of the red headed girl. Sirius rolled up his sleeve and made his way to look at the watch on his wrist, but was unexpectedly knocked by Remus' wand which he had been holding as the only source of light in the claustrophobic room.

"Bugger," Remus cursed loudly.

The boys watched as the wand fell to the floor, the light only displaying their feet.

"Wow, Wormtail," Sirius said in the darkness. "Have your feet got bigger? What size are you?" He gazed at Peter's shoes.

"A nine," Peter answered. "Come to think of it, over the summer they have grown rather quickly."

"Well, Pete, you know what they say about guys with big feet-"

"One of you pick up the bloody wand," Remus interjected. The boys looked at each other inquisitively; at least, they thought they were looking at each other. It was a bit hard to tell with no light.

"I'm not picking it up. I've got James' shoulders digging into me; Pete's arms are stabbing me in the stomach. And your hair is tickling my nose," Sirius told Remus. "It’s rather soft, what conditioner do you use?"

Remus ignored the question on tresses and looked at Peter with pleading. Well, he sincerely hoped it was Peter.

"Can you get the wand, Peter?" Remus begged. He did not like being in the dark in such a cramped space, especially when Sirius was breathing down his neck like a homicidal mad man, occasionally making an evil snicker. It was rather unnerving.

"I vant to suck your bloood," Sirius murmured in what he thought was a Transylvanian, vampire accent.

"Sirius, you're hysterical," Remus noted, rolling his eyes. "OW! You prat!" He clutched his neck which had suddenly been bitten by Sirius, the so-called-vampire. Vampire boy laughed frenziedly.

"When you've stopped giving each other love bites," James frowned, "can one of you get the bloody wand? I can feel something touching my leg…" he trailed off, worriedly.

"Sorry," apologized Peter. "I was trying to loosen the belt on my trousers."

"Why?" James asked, trying to move as far away from Peter as possible, which was about a millimetre and only ended up nudging up to Sirius. He abruptly moved away from him, considering he could feel sharp pointy things pierce his neck.

"Stop it, Padfoot, I don't want to catch rabies," James teased. "Carry on, Wormtail."

"I had too much food in the kitchens," Peter explained as he rubbed his stomach. "You know those house elves; they just keep coming back for more."

James shook his head, getting the wrong idea of the sentence he'd spoken. "Don't say it like that, Wormtail," he advised.

"What are you saying? That you ate the house elves and they're giving you indigestion?" Sirius laughed. He made a sudden sound of disgust when Peter created a loud burp.

"That's nice. That wasn't just a noisy belch, it smelt too," Remus commented, trying to gag himself with a bunch of Sirius ebony hair.

"Oh no. I can feel it coming out of the other end," Peter squeaked. The others instinctively heard the sound of a groaning stomach in undeniable pain and tried to move as far away as possible from the ill boy.

"Oh God, I don't think this is worth it," James muttered, contemplating whether it was actually worth the wait for Lily to turn up and save her day from the wise-arse Ravenlcaw Derrick, and consequently risk the side-affects of Peter eating more than the average wizard.

"Sirius, man, the wand may only be showing the light shining at our feet but I can distinctively hear the sound of you scratching your crotch," James said unsavourily. He had heard the sound of Sirius scratching his inappropriate place so many times that he knew the noise off by heart. It was occasionally heard in their dormitory before they went to sleep, resulting in many pillows hurled at Sirius' head.

"Peter, for Christ's sake, just pick up the wand," James ordered. "I would but I seemed to be pinned against the wall by the blood-sucking vampire."

"No!" Sirius argued, making Remus think he was about to protest that he was not barbaric or bloodthirsty. "You can't let Peter get the wand! He'll have to bend over. And then he might suddenly let one rip, and his arse will probably explode. Can you imagine the mess? We'll all be covered in buttocks! Peter's buttocks!"

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Remus grumbled. Peter was about to obligingly bend down and reach for the wand, no matter how much his stomach was wailing unrecognisable tunes and how ill he felt. However, Sirius had swatted his hand to Peter's stomach in protest.

"No, Pete," Sirius spoke with odd heroicness. "I'll do it."

The boys listened as they heard the rustling sound of Sirius squirming and his limbs bending in odd positions.

"Oh God, oh God," Remus mumbled. "Don't bend down, Sirius, don't-" Remus stopped and winced as Sirius had indeed ignored his advice and bent down, his arse sticking up against him. "Oh bugger. I would just like to mention that I will possibly be drowning myself in one of the baths or toilets of the Prefect bathroom later."

"Choose the bath, its cleaner." Sirius advised as he managed to grab the wand from the floor and squirm himself to some sort of standing position. "You wouldn't want to drown yourself in a toilet after Snape pissed down it." Sirius handed the wand to Remus, though it looked a little bent.

"Uh," started Sirius, noticing Remus' wary look. "I kind of stepped on it. Woops?"

"Thanks," Remus replied ungratefully. "For stomping on my wand, rubbing your arse up against me and suggesting an appropriate choice of committing suicide."

"I did not stomp," Sirius asserted. "I merely trod."

"I don't feel so well..." mumbled Peter, trying to hold back the vomit that was trying to escape.

"Bloody hell," James complained. "I am never taking you guys out again!"

"Come to think of it, Wormtail, I don't feel so well either," Sirius spoke, suddenly feeling ill and claustrophobic. "The room is spinning. I suddenly feel faint." He pressed a hand to his forehead. "Is it me or is this closet getting smaller?"

"That's not possible," Remus answered grimly, his nose and face now flattened against a wall.

"I can't breathe," Sirius panted, clutching his neck. "There's no air in here, man!"

"Of course there's air," Remus scolded him. "If there wasn't air then we'd be dead."

"I feel like I'm dying, Moony!"

"You were fine until a second ago!"

"It’s some sudden illness!" protested Sirius. "My neck, Moony! It feels so tight!"

"At least yours wasn't bitten into," Remus retorted, putting a hand over his neck. Even feeling teeth marks.

"Look at that, Prongs," Sirius said, grabbing the wand from Remus and shining it over Remus neck. "It looks just like a hickey!" Sirius winked at him. "If anyone asks, you got a little carried away with that hot blonde Ravenclaw. Georgina, I think her name is."

"I have a feeling I will be wearing a scarf tomorrow."

"But it's summer."

"Screw the season."

"She's there!" James whispered delightedly, spotting Lily through the gap of the door. He growled at the boy whose arm was wrapped tightly around her waist. The boy named Derrick was -in James' opinion- tall and lanky; his blonde spikey hair resembling a bleached headgehog. This was why it was a surprise that Lily even considered meeting with him: she hated cruelty to animals.

Derrick grabbed at the door handle of the broom closet, turning the knob feverishly. James smiled as Derrick twisted the knob but couldn't open the door as James was holding the handle from the other side.

"Shit, it's locked," Derrick cursed. "It's never locked." He slammed his weight against the door, confused to why it wouldn’t open.

He wasn't being the most sincere guy in the wizarding world, his words blatantly suggesting that the broom closet was a regular spot he visited. Lily watched uncomfortably as Derrick swore at the door.

"Oh, it's locked, is it? What a shame!" Lily lied, thankfully grateful that the door would not open. She was thoroughly going off Derrick by the passing seconds. "Well, I just remembered that I've got homework to do so I'll be going--"

Lily abruptly stopped talking as Derrick slammed his lips against hers with urgency. She preferred soft kisses- she was most definitely not getting them now.

"Screw the door," Derrick muttered, sticking his tongue down Lily's throat, much to her shock.

"I’ll kill him!" James hissed, about to make his appearance and beat the Ravenclaw boy to a pulp, however, Remus held him back.

"James, she isn't going to be happy to find you spying on her in the broom closet," Remus pointed out as he held his shoulders.

James struggled against his grip. "OW! Sod off!" He exclaimed, as Sirius had swiftly grabbed a fistful of his hair to keep him from attacking the Ravenclaw.

"Look at her, she's definitely not happy about being kissed by him," James pointed out as he made his friends look through the gap of the door to watch Lily and Derrick smooching.

"Yeah…That's why she's kissing him back?" Peter said uncertainly as James glared at him. The four boys pressed their eight nosey eyes to the gap, watching as Derrick pressed Lily against the corridor wall, thoroughly examining the insides of Lily's mouth with his tongue. The red head didn't seem to be complaining.

"The sound of their kissing is making me gag!" Sirius mimed a vomiting face.

"Shut up, Sirius," snapped James. "Anyway, I bet you she's thinking about me when she's kissing him," his tone of voice laced with smugness. His friends burst into mocking, silent laughter, but quickly stopped when the sound of James' name was called…from Lily's lips.

"Mmm, James..." Lily moaned lustfully into Derrick's mouth.

All the boys gaped, including Derrick who broke away from Lily like he was singed by a game of Exploding Snap. Lily's eyes widened at the name she'd just moaned and pressed a hand to her gawking face.

"What did you just say?" Derrick demanded, but he quickly swivelled round at the sound of screaming from the broom closet.

"Oh yeah, baby! She said my name! MY NAME!" James cheered triumphantly as he bounced up and down, resembling Sirius in his animagus form after being drugged with coffee. James jumping in the cramped closet was not a good idea. As the other boys presently in the closet grimaced at his sudden loudness and jerking limbs, James clumsily fell back, his arm twisting and moving against the door handle, making the broom closet door swing open. The four boys yelped as they fell out of the closet and on to the corridor floor at the surprised Lily and Derrick's feet.

"This is not good for my health," Remus mumbled as Sirius was currently laid on top of him like a tablecloth, making no signs of moving anytime soon.

"Ugh, a foursome." Derrick cast dirty looks at the marauders. Peter, as if on cue, suddenly vomited from all that earlier intake of food: all over Derrick's feet.

Sirius examined Derrick’s vomit-covered shoes from the ground. "You have small shoes," he commented.

"Merlin’s beard..." Derrick was unsure whether to move now his shoes which were all squishy and covered in goodness knows that.

"Good one, Wormtail," congratulated James, as he lay on the floor. He patted Peter on the back gratefully which only made Peter vomit more. Derrick yelped as the sick got dangerously near him again. James turned his attention to Lily who seemed paralysed with fear, shock and disgust, all at the same time.

"Potter," she began, looking wide-eyed. "Y-you didn't hear me say-"

"Oh yes, Evans," James cut in, in his most seductive voice. "I did." He tried to turn his gaze away from Peter's mushed breakfast to the beautifully startled red-haired girl before him.

Lily shook her head furiously. "No-no-NO!" she argued, stomping her feet. "I said your name because I was thinking of how much you aggravate me!"

"Didn't sound like that to me," commented Sirius, groaning in pain as Lily promptly kicked him in the stomach.

"Shut up, Black!"

"Ow. Lily, you realise when you hurt Sirius, who is currently on top of me, you cause pain to me as well," Remus mumbled.

Lily cringed. "Sorry, Remus."

James took his opportunity to ask that oh-so-familiar question. "Evans, go out with me?"

Lily breathed of indignant anger. "I cannot believe you! You arrogant little…You stupid arse…You…you immature…AARGH!" she ended in frustration, not able to get out her insults. Not feeling she could stand the sight of him any longer, she stalked down the corridor away from the boys.

"Should I take that as a yes?" James called after her. "Evans? Hey--Evans? If you're trying to be funny by ignoring me, I'd just like to mention that it's not funny! Really not funny!"

"Mate, she's gone," Sirius pointed out, as James was shouting to an empty corridor.

"Yeah, I know," James sighed, "I just like the sound of my own voice." He turned his attention to Derrick who wasn't looking amused as he stood in his smelly shoes. "Alright, Derrick, you can bugger off now. Ta-ta."

With a rude scoff, Derrick stormed down the corridor, grumbling back to his common room.

"Who would have thought the marauders were gay together!" Derrick laughed audibly for the marauders to overhear. However, on Derrick's graceful exit, he slipped clumsily in his sick-ridden shoes, landing on the floor with a loud slam that echoed down the corridor.

"Wormtail, I love it when you're ill," James said blissfully, patting his friend on the back.

Peter replied with a vomit, spitting cough.

"Couldn’t have said it better myself, mate."

2. Missing marauder

Chapter 2

Remus walked down the stairs, entering the common room wearing a highly bright and noticeable scarf to cover the highly bright and noticeable 'Sirius bite' that was engraved into his neck. He ambled over to Sirius who was looking highly sorrowful; Remus could tell by the dramatic cries he hollered unnecessarily every few seconds. His cries seeming to be encouraging others to cry as well, but in pain, as their ear drums burst with his booming.

"Padfoot," Remus began warily, tapping Sirius on the shoulder. "What are you doing?"

Sirius turned around from sticking some sort of poster on the notice board and brightened at Remus' appearance.

"Lovely scarf, Moony. Really brings out your eyes." Sirius tugged on the scarf a little too hard, causing Remus to slightly choke. He then decided to try and tickle Remus' nose with it.

"You scare me sometimes, Sirius," Remus noted, looking cross-eyed as he scrunched his nose at the tickling.

"You look a little red. Your face is all blotchy and covered in rashes," Sirius said distastefully.

"Its this bloody scarf," Remus grunted, scratching at the top of his neck. "I'm all itchy. I think I'm allergic to the material."

"Moony," he sighed, "you can't be allergic to a scarf, you berk!" He laughed with much gusto, and Remus rolled his eyes. Suddenly, Sirius took on an unusual deep face. "I have news of the grave, my fellow marauder."

"Don't you mean grave news?" Remus corrected.

"Whatever. I have to tell you," Sirius paused dramatically. "Prongs is missing."

Remus blinked. "What?"

"Prongs is missing! He's gone!"

Remus couldn't help but chuckle.

"Why are you laughing? This is not a humours matter!" Sirius proclaimed.

"Sorry. It was just funny the way you said it as if James was a lost pet."

"But he is a lost pet!" exclaimed Sirius. "We've lost our pet stag! We've lost our Prongsie!"

"Why are you talking as if James is our child?" Remus asked, thoroughly disturbed.

"But he is our child!" Sirius grabbed Remus by the shoulders, shaking him violently. "Our little ridiculously messy haired, four-eyed freaky boy is out there lost in the world! No food, no water, no shelter-"

"Padfoot, stop it, I'm getting nauseous," Remus interrupted as Sirius stopped waggling him. "What are you even talking about? He can't have left Hogwarts. He's probably just moping around the corridors after the whole broom closet incident. You know Lily was especially annoyed at him for 'interrupting her privacy' and has been avoiding him ever since she moaned his name."

"But I haven't seen him all day. Can't a Padfoot be worried?" Sirius asked, not giving Remus time to answer. "We have to go find him!"

"Sirius, I think he wants his privacy to have a face like a smacked arse-"

"But Moony! I've already made posters!"

"What?" Remus said dreadfully.

Sirius stepped to one side, revealing the notice board which had been advertising hogsmeade weekends and quidditch practice times, but was now covered by a large poster bearing the words 'MISSING BOY'.

"Oh God," Remus muttered. He read the poster as Sirius smiled proudly at his handiwork. "'Please find our lost James Potter. Calls to the name of 'Prongs'," Remus read aloud. "Five foot something, lanky with untamed hair. Infatuation with Lily Evans. Approach with caution, he may be hysterical'."

Remus looked to the enormous picture below the writing and heading. "What on earth is that?"

"It’s Prongs!" Sirius pointed to the moving picture of a baby sprawled out on a rug. "I nicked it out of the Potters photo album. I was going to use it for blackmail but this opportune moment arose."

"Are you sure that’s James?" Remus asked warily, looking at the picture. The baby did have wild dark hair, though the baby was wearing a flowery dress. Remus wasn't sure if James had mentioned to him if he had a sex change when he was an infant.

"Of course it is," insisted Sirius. "You know James has a fetish for dressing up in women's clothes. Remember that one time he wore that red glittery dress, the one with the tassels?"

"Yes," Remus began, disturbed by Sirius’ accurate description. "But that was at his sixteenth birthday party, he was not sober, and you dared him to."

"I always knew cross-dressing started at a young age," Sirius replied, not listening to a word he was saying. Remus turned his attention back to the poster, reading the apparent reward money for James return.

"One knut," Remus read aloud, eyeing his eyebrows to the shrugging Sirius. "That's all Prongs is worth: one knut."

"Moony, you know how poor I am!"

Sirius suddenly sneezed into his hand. At this abrupt jerk, a handful of galleons fell out of his sleeve and landed to the floor. Remus raised an eyebrow.

"That's not mine," Sirius denied. At this note, a first year clambered over, crawling on his knees to pick up the free money that was dropped to the floor. "OI! You little bugger! MY GALLEONS!" Sirius stepped on the boy’s hand. He turned back to Remus with a fake smile.

"Okay..." Remus was clearly unbalanced. "Where's Peter?" he asked curiously.

"Oh, Wormtail? I sent him out on a search party."

"A what party?"

Their heads suddenly turned to the sound of a group entering the common room. Stepping through the portrait were what looked to be a hoard of small students, most likely first years, surrounded by Peter who easily blended with the other tiny people. Peter led the group, all students dressed in some sort of uniform of matching t-shirts. All t-shirts decorated with the same baby picture of James in a frilly dress, detailed with the words 'HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY?'

"Padfoot," Remus sighed. "Were the t-shirts really necessary?"

"Yes. They were fun to make."

"But I made them," Peter reminded him.

"Oh yeah...Wormtail, and search party," Sirius addressed the group, "Report back to me."

Peter looked uncomfortable and did not answer.

"Hey, you there!" Sirius poked a goofy-toothed boy with a twitching eye. "Did you find James?"

"N-no, sir."

Sirius gasped. "You didn't find him! What am I paying you little brats for?"

"You're not paying us, sir," a blonde haired girl reminded him as she raised her hand.

"Oh yeah..." Sirius remembered.

"Er, what’s with the large nets?" asked Remus, picking a net on a long handle from one of the search party members. The net looked big enough to catch a small dog and similar to what evil animal catchers carried. He didn't know why the nets, along with the ridiculous t-shirts, were necessary to find James who had probably just gone on a stroll of the Hogwarts grounds.

"Okay then, team!"Sirius stood on a common room chair, accidentally stumbling and falling off. He glared at the first years that had sniggered. He climbed on the chair again, and whistled to get their attention. "Let’s go over the plan." Sirius produced a blue-print of Hogwarts castle with his wand. Well, when I say blue-print, I mean a doodle of the school that Sirius drew in Herbology. He conjured a pointer as he displayed his map to the party.

"Now, we are here," Sirius explained, pointing the stick to his doodle of the gryffindor common room, regrettably aiming the pointer too hard as it ripped a hole through the page. "Crapping doo doo!"

"Sirius, no swearing in front of the younger students," Remus told him off.

"This is bullshit! You're talking out of your own arse, you stupid wanker!" A black haired first year yelled, arms crossed, looking relatively bored. The boys gaped at the girl.

"Hey," Sirius said, jumping off the chair and walking up to her, making Remus think he was about to tell her off for her bad language. "You," Sirius began as he looked at the girl, "speak good! You speak very good!" He grinned widely as Remus shook his head.

"You can have a whistle!" Sirius rewarded the girl, handing the displeased first year with a whistle on a chain. She looked at her 'prize', and then looked at Sirius, then back at the prize, then back at Sirius.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Shove it up your arse?" suggested the girl.

"I can take that whistle back off you, y'know!" Sirius threatened. The girl looked completely oblivious to Sirius’s ‘menacing’ manner. "You can use it if you find James, and then blow on it and we'll come over," he explained.

"Or I could just shove it up your butt," the black-haired girl suggested again.

"Alright, wise-arse, so taking the whistle back now!" Sirius tried to grab for the toy but the girl determinedly held it in her hands.

"Back off! It's mine!" the girl screamed with odd possessiveness.

"Give it here!" Sirius shouted.

Remus watched, gaping, whilst Peter looked anxious at Sirius wrestling with the midget. If this first year was so evil, what about the others?

"No wonder that guy James ran away! With a weird friend like you, I don't blame him!" the girl laughed.

"Take that back, bitch!" Sirius screamed. The girl yelped as Sirius grabbed at her pigtails.

"For goodness sake, Sirius, let go of her!" Remus pulled back his friend who was wailing like a gorilla. Sirius gradually lessened his hysterical state and calmed down.

"You're right, Moony. This is a difficult time, we all need to stay together," Sirius sniffed, "for James sake."

The first years all replied with an agreeing 'here, here!' and Peter even gave Sirius a supportive hug. Remus looked at them all as if they'd gone insane, which they clearly had done.

"Now, back to the map." Sirius climbed back on the chair, getting out the pointer again. "We've covered the points, here and here," he said, "now, we will search this part of the castle, going round in a clockwise direction, meeting back at 1800 hours and-"

"Padfoot!" Remus interrupted tiredly. "Am I the only sane one here? That was a rhetorical question," he added before Sirius answered." James has probably gone on a walk for some time alone. Just leave him to sulk. He probably just went to the astronomy tower-"

"Oh God! He might have gone for a walk OFF the ASTRONOMY TOWER!" he yelled hysterically.

"No," Remus shook his head at once, "I didn't mean-"

"Search party, carry on searching!" Sirius ordered as he jumped off the chair and dragged the gagging Remus painfully by the scarf.

"Moony and I have to go. See you later, Wormtail," Sirius told Peter as he pulled Remus towards the exit of the common room.

"Sirius! Wait!" Peter called after him.

Sirius and a choking Remus spun around.

"What?"

"I was thinking…would these t-shirts look nicer in a midnight blue, or maybe fuchsia?" Peter asked as he modelled by spinning.

Sirius stared at him blankly. "Go with the fuchsia," he replied, then skipped out of the common room with poor Remus in tow.

---------

"Right," Sirius said embarrassingly. "So James wasn't in the astronomy tower, then."

"No, but those couple of seventh years snogging each others faces off were instead," replied Remus, blatantly annoyed.

They were strolling down the corridor, still on the search for their lost marauder. Sirius was still comically upset, and Remus was itched frenziedly at his skin.

"Where could that baboon be…." Sirius exhaled noisily, referring to James. "Moony, stop a minute, I need a piddle."

"Excuse me?"

"Y'know, I need to, er, ease oneself?" Sirius carried on.

"What?"

"Spend a penny," he suggested, hoping Remus would understand but was clueless to any of the phrases. Remus looked at him vacantly.

"I need a piss!" Sirius said at last. "Bugger, shit, arse, where's the nearest bathroom?" He crossed his legs. Remus couldn't help but snigger at his friend in his position.

"Uh," Remus looked down the corridor, "All I can think of is the girl's bathroom-"

"Let’s go!" Sirius said hurriedly, and Remus felt suffocated once more as he was suddenly pulled by the scarf and dragged down the corridor.

"Why do I have to go? I don't need the toilet. We're not girls!" Remus argued, moaning as Sirius pushed him through the door of the nicknamed 'Moaning Myrtle's bathroom'. Sirius immediately ran into a cubicle, leaving Remus to stand awkwardly in the gloomy, damp floored lavatory. Remus heard the sound of Sirius sighing with satisfaction, and the sound of tinkling of what he imagined was Sirius 'relieving himself'.

Remus exhaled noisily -his well know trait- and walked over to one of the cracked, spotted mirrors on the wall. He groaned at his reflection: a bold red face covered in rashes. The only scarf he owned being the vibrant colour of red did not at all compliment his face. Remus pressed a hand to his neck, intending to scratch from the irritating material.

"I can hear you scratching, Moony, stop it," Sirius called from inside one of the cubicles.

"I wouldn't have to be scratching if you didn't bite me-Aaaargh!" Remus yelled as a girl's reflection appeared in the mirror. He clutched his chest, recovering from the abrupt heart attack that had taken over him, and faced the ghost Myrtle with a seriously peeved face.

"Not another boy!" the ghost yelled, floating towards Remus and tugging on his scarf.

"Nice to see you too, Myrtle," Remus replied with a grim expression. "What's everyone’s obsession with pulling the sodding scarf!" he shrieked.

"I've said, Merlin knows how many times: no boys are supposed to be in here," she said suspiciously. "There's already been that freaky boy in here all day dunking his head in the toilet. All I want is some peace and quiet and all I can hear is him flushing!"

"What freaky boy?" Sirius asked, stepping out of the cubicle, trouser fly boldly open.

"Ugh," spat Myrtle. She shielded her eyes from Sirius crotch and pointed to one of the cubicles where the tattered door was shut. As their eyes curiously landed on the occupied cubicle, they heard the sound of the toilet flushing. Flushing again. Then flushing once more.

"Someone's got serious toilet problems," Sirius commented. "Must have clogged it up, right Moony? Y'know what I mean," he chuckled and elbowed Remus with a cheeky smile, "Maybe they had too much at dinner and they‘re like, constipated or have diarrhoea and-"

"Stop talking, Padfoot," Remus cut in. He walked towards the engaged cubicle with Sirius obediently following his steps. Moaning Myrtle floated above them, making the noises of a heart beat to add to the tension.

"Stop that," Sirius rebuked her.

Slowly, Remus pushed the door open and discovered a well known boy kneeling before a toilet.

James Potter being in the girl's bathroom was a little strange. What was also strange was seeing the boy with his head down the toilet, flushing the handle repeatedly as he was trying to drown himself in the loo water.

"Did I or did I not I say to try kill yourself with the toilet? What did I say about Snape peeing in it? What did I bloody say!" Sirius exclaimed like a furious parent.

Remus tried a more sensitive approach. "What are you doing, James?"

"Leave me alone," he replied glumly, a face full of dirty water; glasses included. He flushed the handle of the toilet again, water splashing against his face. "It's not working. I'm not dead. Why am I not dead?"

"Oh yeah! Rub it in, why don't you!" Myrtle shouted. "You boys, all healthy and alive." She flew off into her own cubicle with an angry wail.

"Right..." Remus spoke, again clearly unbalanced, "what depressing thoughts are you drowning yourself in…literally?”

"S'not fair," James gurgled in the water.

"This isn't about a girl that rhymes with the word 'Monday', is it?" Sirius asked.

"If you're talking about Lily, I'd just like to mention that the words 'Lily' and 'Monday' do not rhyme together," Remus rectified.

"Yeah they do. Lil-ly," repeated Sirius, "Mon-day...no, wait...bugger."

"Lily..." James groaned, gurgling in the toilet water. "She hates me. I tried talking to her in the common room. She hates me…"

"What did you do?" Remus questioned with worry.

"I kind of asked her out again. And all I told her was that I cursed Derrick with boils and she flipped," James explained, his voice echoing in the toilet bowl.

"James," Remus groaned. "You did both of the things she hates. You asked her out and cursed someone."

"I feel like my heart has been ripped out and put into one of those muggle inventions. You know, the one that makes those damn good milkshakes?"

"A blender?" Remus offered.

"Yes. One of those."

"Prongsie, Prongsie, Prongsie," Sirius sighed. "I have a plan."

James quickly removed his head from the toilet and turned to Sirius who had raised his eyebrows suggestively, also pointing to the imaginary light bulb that was hovering above his head due to the sudden idea that he'd thought of.

"A plan?" James brightened.

"A plan," Sirius confirmed, helping James to his knees, about to ruffle his hair but noticed it was soggy so decided against it.

"You're waterlogged," Sirius mentioned to James' dripping face. "You look like a drowned rat. No offence to Peter."

Remus showed an obvious worried expression. "Sirius, what exactly is your scheme?"

"Don't worry, Moony, you know I'd never put Prongs and Evans in much danger."

This did not calm Remus. However, James looked quite delighted; any plan to get Lily was good in his eyes. He would try anything to get his red haired beauty.

The three marauders made their way towards the exit of the bathroom, startled by a first year girl entering in a hurry as she pushed past them on the verge of peeing her pants. Sirius and Remus recognized her to be belongto James' search party for many reasons.

"Why exactly is that girl wearing a picture of my mother as a baby on her fuchsia colored t-shirt?" James asked, harshly pushed outside the bathroom by Sirius and Remus as they made their way back to the common room.

3. Ridiculous rhyming

Chapter 3

The three sixth year boys entered the common room and James shook his shaggy hair, sprinkling Sirius and Remus with loo water.

"Thanks for the lovely perfume," Remus commented sarcastically. James replied with a pat on the back. Looking confused, something caught his eye on the notice board.

"What the bloody hell…" James ran up to the board, grimacing at the sight of the large poster, displaying his mother…as a baby…in a dress. He didn't like seeing early pictures of his mother due to a very embarrassing, traumatic experience last time she showed him photos of her when she was seventeen. His mum has smiled proudly smug as she displayed him photos, protesting how 'hot' and 'groovy' she was, asking disturbing questions of 'do you think I was cute?' and saying 'I was gorgeous wasn't I! Your father couldn't keep his hands off me!'

He was scarred for life, along with the broom closet event.

A lot of confusing questions were going through James' mind, wondering how exactly this photo had gotten on the notice board in the first place. Only one name came to his brain.

"Padfoot, you nutcase!" James exclaimed.

"God," moaned Sirius, "I put up a missing poster for a friend and what do I get? Grief."

"That's because you put up a missing poster for a person who wasn't missing," Remus pointed out.

"I am not lanky!" James suddenly burst out loud, as he'd just read the 'detailed' information along with the photo.

Sirius snorted, grabbing one of James' gangly arms, watching it flop after being dropped from shoulder height. "Your arms remind me of...runner beans."

"Great detail," Remus noted.

James glared at them both. "I'll have you know that girls love my untamed hair," he said slickly. Sirius and Remus erupted into sniggers.

"I suppose girls love the piece of chewing gum stuck in your tresses then?" Remus questioned.

James looked confused, reaching a hand to his hair, but Sirius had already beaten him to it.

"OOW!"

Sirius had clawed a hand to his head, ripping a blob of chewing gum that had somehow managed to get wedged. Sirius had pulled a little too forcefully, along with pulling out some of James' hair in the process.

"Oh, you twat!" James clutched what was left of his hair. "I can feel a bald patch!"

"Don't worry, mate. Haven't you seen that wizarding hair spray stuff? Its hair in a can!" Sirius said amazingly. "You spray it and hair comes out! Its like, whipped cream...but with hair," he added.

"Right..." James gave Sirius an odd look. "I wonder how exactly gum got on my head in the first place," he said with suspicion, glaring at the culprit.

"Uh, the gum fairy?" Sirius suggested.

James rolled his eyes. Turning back to the poster, he ripped it off the notice board. To his horror, the same poster was underneath it. He ripped the other identical poster off. More to his horror, the same poster laid underneath that one. "What the-" James muttered, pulling off poster after poster of the same bloody poster.

Eventually James’ hands were heaped full of the same photo of his mother as an infant. "How many posters did you stick up?"

"It's a spell," Sirius explained. "It never ends."

"Oh great! Everyone thinks my mother is me! That's an odd sentence," James commented. "Are you a deluded? How could you think my mother was me? She's wearing a dress, for Christ’s sake!"

"Sirius will now explain his theory of your fetish for wearing women's clothing," Remus predicted to James.

"You have a fetish for wearing women's clothing," Sirius said predictably. "The red dress, James! The one with the tassels!"

"What are you on about?"

"Actually, Sirius, he wouldn't know about wearing the dress because he was too hammered to remember," said Remus.

Sirius nodded understandingly whilst James remained confused. Abandoning ripping the never-ending posters off the notice board, he jumped on one of the common room couches, lying relaxingly and looking at Sirius who it would seem had a plan to get his red jelly bean; other wise known as Lily Evans.

"So, Padfoot, explain the plan."

"I have many plans, many great plans. Just like I have many great looks," Sirius grinned, modelling his posing face to his friends.

"Cut to the chase, Sirius," Remus said tiredly, joining a seat next to James.

"Well, you know all girls love that 'sensitive guy' crap, right?"

James frowned. "What exactly do you mean?"

"If you're talking about James Potter being a sensitive guy then you are insane," Remus said. James scowled at him.

"No way!" Sirius said. "I'm talking about girls liking guys who are like, poofs, who say poetry and stuff to them."

Remus slightly glowered at Sirius’ opinion of any guy writing poetry obviously being gay and called a 'poof'. However, Sirius did seem to have a surprisingly good starting plan.

"Well, James, it's a opening," Remus said, an idea suddenly springing to him. "You could write poetry to Lily. Or recite poems to her. She'd love that. I have some books I could give you-"

"No, Moony, no!" Sirius butted in. "James could never read, or write poetry. He can barely write his own name."

"Yes I can!"

"You spelt your name wrong in Transfiguration!" laughed Sirius. "You left out the letter 'r' at the end of 'Potter'."

"That was because," James started bitterly, "I was writing my name and was on the letter 'e', then you decided to knock me out with your shoe."

"Because you stole my quill!" Sirius prompted.

"Can we get back to the subject," Remus cut in. Sirius looked blankly at him. "Poetry," he reminded.

"Oh yeah. As I was saying, before Mr. Illiterate interrupted me." James boldly stuck up a finger at this comment. "Prongs could recite his own poetry to Evans. But we know he sucks at writing so a spell should help him along."

"What kind of spell?" Remus said suspiciously, not at all liking to the idea.

"You know how all the greatest poems rhyme…"

"Actually, no," Remus argued. "Some of the greatest poems don't rhyme."

"Yeah they do!" Sirius protested. "What about 'Humpty-Dumpty'?"

"That's a nursery rhyme," James corrected, chuckling whilst Sirius reddened.

"Same thing," he said dismissively. "Anyways, I know a spell to make whatever James says rhyme. Instant poetry out of that big gob of his!"

James glowered at the description of having a 'big gob'.

"You cannot be serious!" Remus frowned, thinking the whole idea was completely absurd.

The word 'serious' was a deadly word to use around Sirius Black. Sirius knew that saying the pun 'Yes, I am Sirius' right now would result in the slam to the back of the head by Remus Lupin. Sirius knew that Remus would not sincerely like him saying this over-used pun.

"Yes, Monseiur Lupin, I am Sirius," he grinned.

Slap. That was the sound of Remus' hand connecting with Sirius' skull.

"Dirty werewolf," Sirius said clutching his head. "That was uncalled for."

"Padfoot," James said, "I'm not so sure about this spell."

Sirius groaned exaggeratingly. "Don't be a pussy, man."

"I am not a pussy!" James snapped in annoyance. "I just don't want to be cursed by you. I don't want to end up with something sticking out of my arse. Again."

"That was one time! And you only had that shower head up your butt for two hours. Christ."

"What spell did you intend to get in the first place?" Remus asked. "I'm guessing you didn't actually ask for a shower head to be stuck in that particular place. I'm also guessing you didn't want anything remotely related to a shower head."

"I asked for a cleaning spell," James said bitterly, rubbing a hand over his buttocks, remembering the horrific moment.

Sirius grimaced. "Don't feel yourself up in public, Prongs."

"I can't believe you dragged me out of a toilet for this," James said sullenly, going back to his depressed state. "I'm going back to Myrtle's bathroom. Actually, I think I'll go to the Prefects. It's a lot cleaner and smells of lavender."

Remus smirked. "But you don't know the password."

"You told me it yesterday."

"Bugger," cursed Remus.

James was about to storm from the couch and sulkily stomp away to continue drowning himself in a toilet -this time a clean one- but Sirius had forced him to sit.

"What are you-" James began, but stopped when Sirius pointed his wand at him.

"Sirius," James began anxiously. "Don't you dare-"

"Melodio!" Sirius called, a shining light streaming from his wand and shooting towards James' mouth. James gaped, which wasn't the most sensible move if he didn't wand the spell to go into him, but nonetheless carried on gawking in shock. The light swiftly shot into his mouth and down his oesophagus. He gulped it down with a slight wince on his face, as if he's just swallowed a spoon of cod liver oil. He breathed heavily, whilst Sirius and Remus gazed at him for a reaction.

"Oh my God, what did you do? My brain's all muddled and that tasted like poo," James sang, and quickly looked disgusted at the sentence he'd spoken.

"Bloody hell," Remus said unpleasantly. "He sound's like an extremely bad rapper. And I'm not talking about Christmas," he clarified as Sirius had suddenly brightened at the mention of 'rapper', linking to Christmas, linking to presents…

"Say some more stuff, Prongs," Sirius said eagerly.

"My name is James Potter, I am a Sex God. My hair is erotic and I have a great bod," James blurted out flowingly.

"An extremely bad rapper," Remus repeated again. "On drugs," he added.

Sirius jumped up and down in excitement. "Say something about me!"

"Your name is Sirius Black. You are on Crack. Your face is not in tack. All you do is yack. You're something I want to whack. You have no ball sack-"

"Okay, that’s enough," Sirius cut in, getting thoroughly depressed by the second and not liking his poem very much.

"I don't like this, not at all. All I see in my mind is rhyming couplets; it's driving me up the wall. And I sound retarded speaking like this! Oh God, help me out of this abyss!"

Remus and Sirius laughed hysterically, finding James' demented sentences amusing.

James was not at all pleased. "This isn't funny. My hair is all gummy," he commented, rubbing a hand to his chewing gum mixed tresses.

Remus and Sirius cackled some more.

"You can't rhyme every single word. There must be one word that you can't rhyme," Remus said curiously.

"Nope, he can rhyme anything," Sirius informed. "Say any word and he can do it."

"Yellow," Remus offered.

"Mellow," James replied quickly.

"Banana?"

"Drama."

"Freaky?"

"Peaky."

"Underwear!" Remus said triumphantly.

""You're-a-pear," James answered.

"What? That's not a word! That's three words!"

"It's a word if he says it quickly out of his mouth," Sirius argued.

"What? That makes no sense. You can't-"

"Look, it's Evans!" Sirius said, pointing to the displeased Lily walking down the staircase, unfortunately coming towards them. James' eyes popped out of his head at her sudden appearance and tried to take on a casual pose involving leaning casually on a table lamp. Regrettably the lamp shade toppled over, making James look like a clumsy arse- which he was. Lily stormed over to James whilst Sirius and Remus watched in curiosity.

"Potter! I-" she began angrily as she folded her arms, but stopped as she made a quick sniff in the air towards James.

"You smell like a toilet," she declared.

"Uh, thanks very much. I'd eat you for lunch," James rhymed. Remus shook his head tiredly as Sirius gave James the encouraging thumbs up.

"Excuse me?" Lily scowled, not liking to be told she would make a great meal. "Look, Potter," she began madly, "I was trying to do my homework and some small midget in fuchsia came into my dorm, asking me if I'd seen you, you which is apparently a 'missing person' and a possible victim of homicide."

"Your lips are like plump leeches, kiss me any day. Your cheeks look like peaches, I'd devour with no dismay," James said blissfully.

"What are you on?" Lily thought James must be high on some new wizarding drug; giving side affects of talking terribly in rhyme.

"Evans, ever since you moaned my name, I just can't get you off my brain!" James chorused.

Lily immediately reddened at the mention of the broom closet incident. "I told you that was a slip of the tongue," she gritted through her teeth.

"A slip?" Sirius joined in the conversation. "Oh James! Jaaaaames," Sirius mimicked, swirling his tongue in the air, pretending he was Lily kissing Derrick.

"Shut up, Black!"

"He's on crack," James added, not able to control his mouth with the ridiculous things he was saying.

"I'd have to agree with you there," Lily said bitterly, "but that's beside the point!" She poked James in the chest. "I don't want members of your midget fan club storming into my dorm and disturbing me! Others do have homework to do, unlike you who just sits on your pompous arse whilst Black worships the ground you walk on, Lupin corrects your grammar and Pettigrew gapes at your useless talent of catching a golden ball!"

"Oh Evans, my darling, your hate is simply charming. You’re just using reverse psychology! No need for an apology!"

"Oh, go to hell, Potter!" Lily screamed, fed up with his sentences of nonsense.

"This isn't going so well," Sirius murmured to Remus who sighed in response.

As if on signal, the arrival of James' search party through the portrait of the Fat Lady somehow made everything turn from bad to worse. The fuchsia coloured squad of first years, led by Peter, ambled into the common room, their eyes suddenly landing on the missing person: James Potter. As James was comprehending when this new fashion trend had evolved, and how much pain Sirius would go through when he ripped out his intestines and strangled him with them, the first years suddenly ran towards him; nets raised highly in their hands.

"AAARH!" James screamed, as the herd of small students pushed him to the floor and trampled on him. Each party member raised their net high, capturing his head. He shrieked as he was blinded with netting.

"PETER!" James yelled annoyingly, the apparent captain of catching James' head, and also the first to swing his net to James' skull.

"We caught him, sir!" the first year with the twitching eye reported to Sirius, raising his hand with obedience. The black-haired girl awarded with the whistle blew on it unenthusiastically.

"I can see that," Sirius replied, whilst he and Remus were looking on in amusement. Meanwhile, Lily laughed manically.

"Hey," a first year spoke, pointing to the red head who was clutching her stomach with laughter at James' expense. "She must have kidnapped him!" he suddenly concocted.

Instantly, Lily stopped chortling. "What?"

"Get her!" A small student ordered, raising their fist in the air.

Lily shrieked as the first years attacked her, causing her head now to be covered in nets. She lay on the floor, toppled over by their sudden impact.

"Get off me!" she screamed, trying to push the swarming small people away. They were oddly like irritating flies. "You can't do this! I'm a prefect!"

"And I'd like to shove this whistle up his arse," the black-haired first year replied, pointing to Sirius and swinging the whistle around with her finger. "But apparently I'm not allowed. Life's a bitch, isn't it?"

Lily was about to snap back but a net whacking her in the mouth disrupted the action.

"Explanation to the nets," James ordered, but it wasn't as intimidating with the fact that his head was currently smothered by something animal catchers carried. "Or what will follow will be threats," he spoke dangerously.

"They are your search party," Remus explained, "organized by one Sirius Black."

"I'm gone for TWO HOURS and you send a search team!" James said in disbelief. "I'd like to say I'm flattered but I think it's just obscene. And I'm not just referring," he spoke," to the shirts that are disturbing."

"Was it really two hours?" Remus asked Sirius, thinking the period of James' absence had seemed longer.

"Come to think of it, I think I did see James two hours ago stealing Evans lingerie from her dorm," Sirius realised.

"So that's where it went!" Lily tried to shout, but her voice was muffled by nets.

"The fuchsia is rather blinding," James commented, reddening and trying to avoid the subject of Lily's undergarments as he squinted through the nets, looking at the first years fashioned in their bold t-shirts. "Sirius, you will get a hiding," he threatened.

"I'm sorry, mate," Sirius chortled. "I just can't take you seriously when you rhyme!"

James groaned in frustration. "Tell me the reverse spell or you're going to hell!"

"Can you actually guarantee that though?" Sirius questioned. "Do you have connections with the devil?"

James gave him a glare that purely said 'I am the devil' instead of voicing it, knowing if he did then the warning would be undermined by a cheesy rhyme that would follow.

"AARGH! Get off me, you little dwarves!" Lily bawled, not one of the wisest things to say if she wanted the first years to stand up from their current status of sitting on top of her so she wouldn't escape. "I am a prefect!" she exclaimed again.

"Yeah, yeah," the ebony haired girl replied in boredom. "And I'm Albus Dumbledore," she retorted.

"I did not kidnap James-bloody-Potter so remove your backsides! Before I tell Professor Mcgonagall!" Lily commanded.

The violent first years looked at Sirius for a confirmation of getting off the girl.

"Oh sure, you can get off her," Sirius said casually, as if he'd just spotted her in the room. The group made a noise of disappointment, but obediently stood up from sitting on Lily, most gratefully a chubby boy whose bottom was placed firmly on Lily's cheek. She finally lifted the dozens of nets that had been suffocating her and stood to her feet looking highly wrathful.

"You are all insane," Lily declared, throwing the handled nets to Sirius who toppled over, toppling into Remus who then toppled into Peter, which then caused a chain reaction as many first years toppled over in the process.

There was a lot of toppling.

Lily gave James a dirty look and stomped up the common room staircase, slamming her dormitory door shut.

"Can we go now?" a first year asked, raising her hand politely as she yawned.

"Sure," Sirius replied, his face currently head-first into the common room floor of carpet. "You're all dismissed."

The first years cheered and removed their t-shirts, luckily wearing shirts underneath or the removing of clothing would turn into something disgustingly pornographic. They threw their t-shirts to Peter, whose face was suddenly bombarded with fuchsia. The small students then retired to their dorms.

"Do you think we could sell those shirts at one of those muggle car-boot-sales?" Sirius asked.

"No, I want to keep them," Peter said with eagerness.

"Okay, sure you can, Wormtail."

The three boys got to their feet -Peter's hands full of t-shirts- and were about to make their way the common room stairs when an indignant shout was heard.

"GUYS, LITTLE HELP HERE!" James demanded, head caught in the nets and helplessly rolling on the floor like a flobberworm. "OR BE PREPARED TO BE KICKED IN THE REAR!"

"Did you hear something?" Sirius gave a mock expression of curiosity. "For a second there, I thought that guy Willy Shake-a-spear had walked into the room," he laughed.

"Shakespeare," Remus corrected exasperatedly. "William. Shakespeare," he sighed.

"I don't care about a guy who can 'shake his spear'," James yelled, "All I want is some help here!" He yelped as he rolled into a table and a stack of books knocked over and tumbled on his head. He abruptly blacked out.

"He did not shake his spear, he…oh never mind," Remus gave up.

The boys walked over to the passed out James and tried to uncover him in the mountains of butterfly-like-nets.

4. More Siriusly absurd ideas

Chapter 4

"Moony!" Sirius called, running over to Remus who had been reading a book in peace, until his friend had jumped on him and his face was suddenly overwhelmed by a head of black hair, and strangely fuchsia. Sirius was looking comically upset as he came up to Remus, Peter at his side wearing the trendy t-shirt displaying James' mother.

"Wha...?" asked Remus distractedly, not taking his eyes of his book. Sirius sighed at him, grabbed Remus' book from his lap and tossed it into the common room fire.

"SIRIUS!" cried Remus, watching as the pages of his book burned in the fireplace. "That's the third book this week! You have got to stop doing that."

"I did it for your own good," Sirius replied. Remus was not at all grateful for his so-called act of good will.

"C'mon, man," Peter spoke, highly out of character, "books don't teach you nothing!" Sirius nodded along in agreement. "It's not what's in here," Peter pointed to his head, which Remus was guessing was empty, "it's about what's in here that matters," he patted his chest, supposedly indicating to his heart. Remus might of took him seriously if he'd not hit his chest too hard, which resulted in Peter making a painful "ow".

"Wormtail, please, stop wearing that shirt," Remus pleaded. Ever since he'd worn it, he'd suddenly taken on a new persona non grata, involving characteristics of a hippy and a permanent feeling of being high.

"I swear Pete has an obsession with James' mum," teased Sirius, poking him in the stomach.

"C'mon, man," Peter nonchalantly repeated again . "Don't diss me if I dress better than the average wizard." He puffed out his chest.

"Would your example of an average wizard be Sirius? Because Sirius dresses like a clown," Remus mentioned.

"I told you already, the red shoes are cool! Red is the new black!" Sirius informed his friends.

"Oh God," Remus muttered, purely horrified by the conversation. He took a seat back on one of the common room chairs. He hoped the chair would swiftly eat him up or drown him in the cushions.

"Anyways," Sirius went on to his true purpose to finding Remus, "I have news of the grave-"

"Grave news," Remus tried to correct.

"Yeah, that's the one," Sirius said, "well, Prongs is-"

"Missing?" Remus presumed.

"How did you know?"

Remus sighed, "Lucky guess."

"Have you seen him?"

"I think he might be upstairs in the dorm. If not, check the bathrooms," Remus recommended. "He's still dejected about Lily hating him so he may possibly be trying to kill himself again."

"It's becoming a daily habit. I think we should be worried," Sirius said thoughtfully.

Remus eyed him with suspicion. "Sirius, you didn't send out the search party again, did you?"

"Of course not," he scoffed. "Another hour and I will though."

Remus rolled his eyes, signalling Sirius and Peter's exit up the common room stairs.

-----------------

Just as Peter was about to push open the dormitory door, Sirius had stopped him.

"Five galleons Prongs is smothering himself with a cushion," Sirius wagered.

"Five he's drowning himself in a sink."

"You are sooo going to loose," Sirius said, shaking hands with Peter to secure the deal. "Prongs' head is too big to fit in the sink," he spoke matter-of-factly.

"Do you think we're bad friends for betting on which choice of suicide he's currently doing?" Peter asked.

"No, Wormtail. We're not bad friends," Sirius disagreed. "We're bad people."

Peter was slightly confused by the answer, but nonetheless entered the dormitory behind Sirius. They happily found James, not so happily in a good mood. He was presently trying to hang himself with a tie, using the top curtain railing of his bed as the place to tie himself from.

"Dammit!" Sirius and Peter cursed in unison. "Neither of us won the bet!"

It was amazing how much they cared about James' well being.

"Bugger off, let me hang myself in peace," James shooed them away, standing on his bed whilst unsuccessfully trying to tie a knot in his choking instrument.

"Thank God that rhyming spell only lasted a day," Sirius said with relief. "Although, I have a good rhyme you could of said with that sentence, 'and by the way, the shirt makes you look obese'," he suggested, referring to Peter's shirt of course. Peter was highly insulted by the comment. In his opinion, he thought it made him look slimmer.

"Prongs, you stupid arse," Sirius declared. He marched up to James and tried to grab the tie from his hands. It was a struggle, and James was even using his teeth as a weapon to not give in.

"OW!" Sirius cried out as James' mouth gnawed at his hand. Sirius finally managed to pulled the tie off James, and put it in the one place he knew James would never go: down his pants.

"That was my only tie," James said sullenly, staring at the tie in its hidden place, but then reverted his gaze because that hidden place was Sirius' crotch. "You're buying me a new one," he informed, not wanting the particular tie to be returned, even after being washed. James depressingly collapsed on his bed, face down in his bed cover, not caring if he couldn't breathe.

"C'mon, I must have won the bet. I was closer because he's near pillows," Sirius said. Peter nodded and handed over his galleons.

"Are you okay, Prongs?" Peter asked with odd kindness, but his good nature was let down by the fact that he was looking at him self in the full length mirror of their dorm, admiring his shirt and observing his body. It was not a pretty sight.

"Let's see, in the past two days Evans caught me in broom closet and shouted at me. Then shouted at me for cursing Derrick. Then shouted at me for speaking in rhyme. Then nearly shouted at me for it somehow being my fault for her head to be smothered with nets," James glared at Sirius fully. "But that time she didn't shout because she was so angry. So let's see, somehow your 'great plan', Padfoot, has made everything worse."

"Define worse?"

"As if I'd just walked into a pit of woodlice, which is a bad enough misfortune. Then suddenly a swarm of bowtruckles have come along and started eating my woodlice-ed flesh."

"Well, you've got to be really stupid to walk into a pit of woodlice," Sirius laughed.

"I dunno, I know a few stupid people..."

"Hey!" Sirius pouted, realising who James was referring to.

"Seriously, guys," Peter began, trying to look at a particular body feature in the mirror which he seemed to prove very difficult. "Does my butt look big in this?"

"Pete, how can a shirt make your butt look big?"

"You never know, it might have one of those engorgement charms," Peter pointed out.

"Will you shut up? Go away. Let me wallow in my own self pity."

"But if we did that we wouldn't be great friends now, would we?" Sirius said cheerfully, jumping on to James' bed and somehow making James fling in the air and topple onto the floor.

"Arse," James muttered, and now laid on the floor pathetically, the floor being his new spot to wallow in self pity.

"Prongsie, Prongsie, Prongsie," Sirius sighed. James immediately looked worried.

"Oh no, don't tell me you've got another plan. I don't want to hear it, Sirius." James blocked his ears.

"But this plan is really, really good!" Sirius protested, jumping excitedly on James' bed like a hyperactive six-year old.

"You'll break my mattress, you pillock!" James yelled. Sirius carried on jumping as if it were a bouncy castle, until his head connected with the ceiling- then he decided to stop.

"Ow," Sirius muttered painfully. "Anyways, I have a great plan that involves a polyjuice potion," he sang.

"A polyjuice potion?" James repeated anxiously.

"What are you, a parrot? Jeez, a polyjuice potion!"

"But they take at least a month to make," James reminded him, glad of this factor because he was guessing that this 'great plan' would probably go wrong.

"Aha," Sirius replied knowingly and made a signal to Peter. "If you would reveal, Wormtail?"

Peter looked a bit annoyed from being interrupted his mirror examining, but obligingly walked over to Sirius' bed and pulled a cauldron of bubbling, muddy potion from underneath it.

"You've been keeping a cauldron of polyjuice potion under your bed?" James exclaimed, wincing at the sight of the disgusting liquid.

"You don't want to know what's under my bed," Sirius replied mysteriously. James made a not very inconspicuous cough that sounded a lot like the word 'porn'.

"So how exactly will polyjuice potion make Evans fall in love with me?"

Sirius waved a hand. "Wormtail, explain."

Peter tried to remember the instructions. "Sirius will use the potion to turn into you….and…then seduce Evans!"

"What?" James spat in disbelief.

"Genius, isn't it?" Sirius said. "Like I always say, if Prongs can't get a job done, then do it yourself."

"You've never said that," Peter pointed out.

"Since now," Sirius added.

"Are you insane?" James looked at Sirius as if he'd suddenly turned down the offer of free chocolate. "You're not turning into me! No-bloody-way!" he said stubbornly.

"Tough luck, Potter." Sirius suddenly jumped from the bed and onto James back, making him cry loudly in pain.

"What are you doing? Get off me!" James yelled indignantly. Sirius sat on him, grabbing his arms behind his back and tied them up as James struggled.

"Tie his legs, Wormtail," Sirius ordered, swearing as James' wiggling had head butted his jaw. "Stop moving!"

"I'm going to kill you two! Let go of me! Rape!" James shouted, hoping his shouting would get some kind of attention from outside their dorm and get him out of this horrific yet humorous situation; not caring if he was getting the wrong sort of attention.

Peter howled in pain as James' furious jerking feet smacked him in the nose.

"HELP!" James carried on screaming. "RAPE! Ra-"

Sirius had swiftly stuffed a sock to his mouth. James' cry muffled to a "ra-ffffhhh".

"There we go," Sirius said, climbing off James and rubbing his hands together to signal a job well done. James lay on the floor, hands and legs tied and mouth blocked with a smelly sock that had belonged on the floor for the past six years.

"Muuuffttt Fuuuccchh," James swore mumbling, mouth full of cotton.

"Prongs," Sirius shook his head disappointedly, guessing whatever James to have said was definitely not for young ears to hear. "No bad language in front of the children!"

Peter yelped as he suddenly found himself deaf, but then realised it was only because Sirius' hands covering his ears.

"Right-o." Sirius walked over to the cauldron that was placed on the floor.

"It's ready, Padfoot," Peter informed, stirring the potion with his wand.

Sirius brightened. "Now, all we need now is the hair…"

James immediately made unrecognisable noises of protest and shook his head in frenzy.

"Don't worry, Prongs. All I need is a strand or two. But we'll make it a clump just to be on the safe side," Sirius added to Peter. James muffled yelp at this information and tried to roll across the floor as some sort of escape, but Sirius had pounced on him again.

"Look, Prongs, I'll do a countdown," Sirius put his foot on James' back to prevent him from moving. "On the count of three, I'll put out a hair."

James furiously shook his head in response. Of course, Sirius ignored him.

"One," he counted, then swiftly thrust his hand forward and pulled out a fistful of hair. James silently roared of agony, clamping his teeth down on the sock currently choking him. James glared at Sirius for the shortened countdown.

"He lied," Peter said in what he thought was a helpful tone. James grumbled angrily and tried to get to his feet, but only stumbled and fell back on the floor.

"Ah, bless him," Sirius smiled. He dropped the strands of hair a glass of potion he'd scooped up and the liquid quickly turned a strange blue. "Hmm, matches your mood, Prongs," Sirius commented.

Peter sniffed the mixture. “It smells foul," he pointed out the obvious.

"Thanks for the encouragement," Sirius remarked, kicking off his shoes and changing into some stolen clothes belonging to James.

"Well," Sirius began with odd anxiety, examining the blue draught. "Cheers." He held the glass high to Peter, which Peter replied with an uncertain smile of good luck. He quickly tilted his head and back and swallowed a gulp of the potion, slamming the glass back down on the bedside table.

"Oh boy." Sirius stumbled, wobbling, clutching his stomach that felt swimming with wriggling worms. He felt his skin melting and bubbling on the surface. Peter and James' eyes widened as they watched Sirius transform before their eyes. Sirius moaned in pain as he felt himself suddenly become taller, his face remodelling and hair shortening in length.

"AARGH!" Sirius shrieked, blinking his eyes repeatedly. "I'M BLIND!"

This of course, was great exaggeration. His sight slightly blurry and out of vision because his sight was no longer a Sirius Sight, but now a James Sight. Peter quickly conjured glasses using his wand and put them on Sirius who quickly sighed with relief.

"Ah, so that's what they're for." Sirius straightened the glasses on his nose. James gave him annoyed look of exasperation.

"Wow," Peter breathed, looking at Sirius who was now James' identical twin. Sirius excitedly ran up to the full length mirror and observed his new body.

"Well, you certainly have firmer buttocks than me," Sirius discovered, feeling his new bottom. James replied with mumbled indignant swearing.

"So," the new 'James' smiled, "plan B of seducing Evans has begun." Sirius did a famous 'James Potter ruffle' through his hair and grinned to the real James who was still muffling obscene insults at him. "I'll see you in an hour or two," Sirius told James, patting him on the back. "But you never know, it could be shorter. It sometimes takes me seconds for a girl to fall at my feet," he said arrogantly.

Peter chuckled silently, knowing Sirius' charm was not that good; or even good at all. The new 'James' grinned in anticipation and made his way towards the exit of the dorm.

"Uh-Sirius?" Peter asked, stopping him.

"What?"

Peter looked at him strangely, still a little confused by the fact that there were two James' in the room, and that the 'James' he was talking to was actually Sirius Black.

"Shouldn't we do something about Prongs?"

A glimmer of hope rose in the real James Potter's stomach. For a secondhe thought that maybe this was some sort of joke and that his two supposed friends would release him from the school tie's that were securing him.

"Oh yeah," Sirius realised, scratching a finger to his chin. "Let's hide him in the bathroom."

James jaw somehow dropped, although it was stuffed by a sock. He whimpered as he found his twin and Peter drag him by the arms and legs into the dorm bathroom. James watched as his head lay on the floor, a lopsided Sirius in his body, and a sympathetic Peter beside him, waving as they shut the door.

After the door was shut, he tried again to stand up, but only leaded to his head colliding painfully with the bathroom sink, also knocking over a few toiletries and somehow getting himself covered in toothpaste.

-------------

Remus sat by the common room fire, slowly nodding off. Although it was past midday on a Sunday, he had a lack of books to read as most of them had been set on fire by Sirius, so sat in boredom in the common room. He sighed, getting to his feet and intending to go up to the dorm to find out whether Sirius and Peter had found their 'lost' marauder again. But he saw James, who was in fact Sirius, tumbling down the staircase with Peter closely behind.

"Hello there!" Sirius cried mightily, running up to Remus and punching him in the arm in a brotherly way. Remus never got the attitude of brotherly ways and clutched his arm in pain.

"Hello. There." Remus replied uncertainly, wondering why James was in such a good mood after being thoroughly depressed about Lily's lack of love towards him. Remus' eyes landed on Peter who had found a pair of dark glasses, wearing them to match his cool t-shirt.

"You're wearing them to protect your eyes from that bright shirt?" Remus suggested. Peter sulked.

"Moony, you are hilarious!" Sirius punched him on the arm again.

"Ow! What's up with you, James?" Remus asked confusedly, rubbing his shoulder. For a few seconds, Sirius forgot that he was in fact James Potter and how was now called 'James', so daydreamed as he gazed at a few girls on the other side of the common room.

"James?"

Sirius stared on blankly.

"Prongs?" Remus repeated louder. Peter quickly elbowed Sirius in the stomach who snapped to attention.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, that's me!" Sirius laughed merrily.

"He's James Potter," Peter added.

Remus gave him an odd look. "Yes, Peter…I can see that."

Sirius and Peter forced laughter whilst Remus wondered if they'd been smoking something illegal upstairs.

"So, I bet you're wondering where that handsome fellow Sirius Black is? Right?" Sirius changed the subject.

Remus frowned. "Not really on those exact words…"

"Well, he's...er...snogging that seventh year girl from Ravenclaw, Marianne Smith," Sirius explained, heartily pleased with himself for thinking of an excuse for his absence. Remus abruptly burst into laughter.

"Prongs, you're kidding, right?" Sirius narrowed his eyebrows. "She hates him, remember?"

"No she doesn't!" Sirius argued.

"Yeah she does," Remus thought he was reminding 'James'. "Remember when she told us that she's rather kiss a chimera then go anywhere Padfoot's mouth!" Remus laughed, clutching his stomach.

"Oh yeah," Sirius said bitterly, not liking the new details he'd learned. "Ha ha...She's in denial, that one…or gay. Yeah, she’s gay, obviously."

"Right," Remus cocked his head in confusion. "Whatever you say, Prongs."

"Anyway," Sirius pulled Peter by the arm and walked hurriedly towards the portrait door. "Must dash! Things to do!"

"Where are you going?" Remus asked, his tone laced with disappointment.

"To seduce Evans," Sirius replied, winking.

"No, seriously, where are you going?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Is it so hard to hear that James Potter is going to win over Evans?" he asked him, then repeated the question in his mind and realised that it did seem pretty unbelievable. Just as Sirius and Peter were about to step through the exit, Sirius quickly remembered a significant note.

"Don't go upstairs, Moony!" Sirius told him, Remus raised his eyebrows suspiciously. "Not that there's anything dodgy up there…But er, just, stay down here! Okay? Ta-ta!" Sirius waved.

"He's James Potter," Peter added again, pointing to Sirius as he followed him through the portrait.

Remus definitely believed his theory that they'd smoked something illegal upstairs.

He sighed, watching 'James' and Peter leave the common room.

Nevertheless, he decided to follow his instincts, ignore Sirius' advice and go up to the dorm anyway. Remus ambled up the stairs, pushed the door open and discovered the dorm to be empty and relatively normal. Their dorm was still ridiculously messy and still smelt oddly of chocolate.

Shrugging his shoulders, he walked over to his bed and tiredly collapsed onto it. Remus yawned, his eyes shut and hand clutching his neck suddenly feeling thirsty. He sluggishly reached his hand over to the bedside table, feeling a glass and guessing it was full of water, and put it to his lips. It was only until he opened his eyes, swallowing the blue liquid, that he realised it was not water.

"What the-" Remus began in horror, wincing at the taste of the liquid and aware that there were strands of hair falling out of his mouth. He felt sudden uncontrollable churning in his stomach. Remus staggered to his feet, groaning in pain as he felt his skin bubbling which he never thought was humanly possible until now. His limbs and face were sore and his clothes seemed to be shrinking, or more correctly, he was growing. With the abrupt feeling of sickness, he quickly ran to the dorm bathroom and pulled opened the door.

"Huh? My eyes," Remus said confusedly. His vision was suddenly blurred, though he could make out a person lying on the bathroom floor. He fumbled for his reading glasses in his pocket and put them on, his sight still slightly obscured enough to make out who the boy was laying in front of him.

"James?" Remus said in disbelief, wondering why or even how James had managed to get himself tied up in the bathroom, strangely covered in toothpaste, when he'd seen him minutes earlier leaving the common room with Peter.

"Mufffhhh," James mumbled with the sock in his mouth, glaring at him. Remus was wondering what on earth he'd done wrong to be glowered at. Now feeling suddenly normal and no signs of being ill, he glanced at the bathroom mirror and then turned back to James.

Remus' eyes then widened in realisation, turning back to the mirror for a second look.

"AAARGH!" screamed Remus, seeing his reflection as James Potter in the mirror shrieking back at him.

5. Seducing all around

Chapter 5

"Oh Merlin!" Remus shrieked, clutching his hands at the new James Potter cheeks he now owned. He ran a hand through his present dark and messy hair. "No way," he breathed, "untamed hair."

"Rrhhuh," James muffled in an annoyed voice, signalling to Remus to get his attention back on the real James Potter.

"How could this have happened?" Remus asked hysterically, examining his arms and hands. Arms like runner beans, as Sirius poetically described.

"Rrhhuh," James mumbled louder and more impatient. He was gagging on a sock and covered in toothpaste; not at all happy.

Remus, in his bewildered state, bent down to his knees and swiftly untied James' arms and legs. Feeling he would get gratitude from being rescued, he was a little shocked to have the berserk James suddenly spring on him, gripping his neck.

"I'm gonna behead you, Sirius!" James exclaimed, grabbing Remus' neck; or oddly, his own neck, as Remus now looked like him. It was a strange feeling to be strangling himself yet he didn't seemed to find himself stopping anytime soon.

"What are you talking about?" Remus yelled, choking. "I'm not Sirius! I'm Remus!" James was still not convinced, assuming he was lying. "You said the word 'gonna' which is grammatically incorrect! Use 'going to'!" he rectified, hoping James would see he was actually Remus Lupin. At his words, James quickly dropped his hands from his neck in realisation.

"Moony? You drank the polyjuice potion too?"

"Polyjuice potion?" Remus repeated. "Oh no..." he groaned, now realising what he'd drank from the bedside table. "This is ridiculous. I saw you, James, I think, leaving the common room with Peter."

"That must have been Sirius," James said bitterly, kicking the sink in frustration which led to him howling in pain.

"Why did Sirius even use the potion to turn into you in the first place?" Remus found himself already answering the question himself. "Lily…"

"That girl causes me all kinds of trouble," James commented, wiping toothpaste that somehow gotten onto his face.

"So," Remus started slowly, "I'm you, and Sirius is also you."

"Shit," James groaned, slamming his head against the bathroom wall. "Please don't tell me there are three James Potter's currently in Hogwarts."

"Is that what you want to hear?"

"Not particularly." James slammed his head on the wall every five seconds, sounding like a regular drum beat.

"Then: no," Remus lied. "There are not three James Potter's in school today. Although one has gone off to 'seduce' Lily," he remembered 'James' telling him in the common room. "Whilst two James Potter's are currently in this bathroom. One contemplating therapy after this is over."

"Two contemplating therapy," James corrected, hurling his head at the wall again.

"Right."

Remus pinched his unfamiliar James Potter arm to try and wake himself from this horrifying nightmare. Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream, and now Remus only had bruises due to finger pinching.

"Don't do that to yourself, I mean, to me, er..." James stopped, puzzling himself by his words. "I've had a disturbing morning," he explained, noticing Remus' odd look. "Sirius felt his buttocks in front of me, er, I mean my buttocks, well, you know what I mean. And now I'm talking to you who looks like me and I think I'm going insane."

"You think you're going insane? I'm you. I thought I was drinking water, and now I'm you. And my trousers are too tight and my shirt is breaking my ribs."

"Hey, you should find it honour to be James Potter," James said, oddly cheerful considering the circumstances. "Great, now I'm hysterical." He realised he shouldn't be feeling uplifting considering Sirius Black was walking around Hogwarts in his body, saying stuff in his body, and doing stuff in his body. "We have to go find Sirius." James grabbed for his robe.

"What?" Remus paled. "James, you can't go running after Sirius because he looks exactly like you! What are people going to say if they see both of you at the same time! Everyone will go crazy!"

"I don't care," James said shortly.

"Look, James," Remus tried to remain calm, "I'll come help you look for Sirius but we have to wear some sort of disguises so we won't be recognised, okay?"

Stubbornly, James remained silent and crossed his arms.

"Please James?" he begged.

"You don't know how strange it is to see myself look so pathetic," James grumbled. Remus raised his eyebrows. "Alright, alright! We'll wear your bloody disguises," he gave in, pulled along by the boy who looked like him towards Sirius' wooden chest beside his bed.

-------

"Well….This is mental."

James was now wearing a red sparkly dress with the tassels, the exact dress he wore when he was hammered on his sixteenth party. Why? This was his disguise so he would not be recognised.

"Why women's clothing, Moony? Why, why, why?"

"We'll have more of a chance of not being identified," Remus explained, uncomfortably lowering the skirt on waist. He was not wearing a dress, but more of a sophisticated number of a skirt and a lace, flowery shirt.

"But this is mental!" James repeated, looking at his body in revulsion. One; because he was wearing a red dress, and two: because it seemed to suit him. "Why does it appear as if I've seen this dress before?"

"One word: alcohol," Remus said simply, repositioning the wig on his head. He now owned black hair that cascaded past his shoulders, and he did not like having long hair, due to the fact that it kept irritating him by covering his eyes and also kept getting dangled around his neck. He was certainly glad he was not a girl, or Sirius.

"Why do I feel like you're enjoying this?" James asked bitterly. He straightened the wig on his head, light blonde wavy tresses that were a drastic colour change from his dark messy brown.

"Trust me, cross-dressing was not on my list of 'things to do' today."

"Cross-dressing was not on my list of 'things to do' ever," James retorted. "Merlin knows why Sirius owns all this fancy dress stuff," he said disgustedly, dropping an afro wig back into the chest.

"You know Sirius. He protests his girlfriends thought the costumes were 'kinky'," Remus said. He examined a tight, leather suit from arm's length and tossed it back into the chest.

"Are we done now? Or do you want to put make-up or condition your hair or something?" teased James.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Okay, we can go. I think we've been disguised enough, but you have to wear these." He handed James horrid objects of torture: high heel shoes.

"Nooooo!" James cried, backing away, oddly shielding his eyes as if the footwear would suddenly blind him. "I am NOT wearing those...those things!"

Remus sighed in exasperation. "You can't wear those school shoes with that dress," he pointed out, thrusting the high heels towards him.

James batted his hand away in fear. "Since when have you become the bloody fashion consultant?"

"Just put them on! You're wasting time."

"No way!" James shook his head determinedly. "They are practically towers on your feet! They lift you at least five foot off the ground!" he complained.

"I think you mean five inches," Remus corrected, "besides, you play quidditch! You're used to heights."

Remus smiled in satisfaction as James failed to find an excuse for his great quidditch abilities.

"Whatever!" James said childishly. "I'm not wearing them so you can stick those heel high things up your arse."

"You'll wear them," Remus said threateningly, "or you won't go at all." He sounded oddly like a parent.

"I am going and without wearing those friggin shoes."

"No, seriously, you have to wear them because Sirius took your school shoes."

"What? No he-" James began to argue, then glanced down at his bare feet. "Bastard!" James grabbed the high heels from Remus and swiftly put them on. "They're my new ones as well. Sirius burnt my last ones. I had to walk around with holes in them for two sodding weeks!"

"Okay then." Remus dusted off his girly clothes and put on a pair of flat sandals he's found, much to James’ annoyance.

"Let's get this over with." James flicked his blonde hair over his shoulder and walked unstably towards the exit of the dorm.

------

"I think James has man boobs," Sirius declared, holding his hands over his chest. "What do you think, Wormtail?"

"No comment," Peter replied, watching Sirius in James' body clutching his chest was rather horrifying. "Shouldn't we get back to the plan?"

"Oh yeah," Sirius remembered. They were walking along the corridor and had just passed the great hall and got momentarily distracted by the food, now munching on fairy cakes.

"Right, finding whatserface," Sirius mumbled, mouth full of cake crumbs. "We've checked the library and all those book worm places. Let's check the grounds."

"But it's cold outside," Peter moaned.

"Well you should have brought a jumper."

"But it would have covered my shirt." Peter readjusted his dark glasses, puffing out his chest.

"Right..." Sirius shot Peter an odd look. "Let's go outside," he said, in the need of fresh air.

------

"Ow, ow, OW!" James groaned, stopping in the corridor and leaning against the wall for the twentieth time in the last ten minutes. James and Remus had gotten some curious looks as they walked around the school. Students had simply thought they were girls visiting from another school that dressed very extravagantly, with matching strangely low male voices.

"Bloody girly shoes!" James lifted a leg up and rubbed his foot that was covered in blisters.

"We have to keep moving or we'll never find Sirius in time," Remus pressed, dragging James by the arm. James stumbled as he was balancing on one leg, being literally pulled by himself. He would never get used to be being ordered by someone that looked exactly like him.

"I've never felt like punching myself in the face until now," James said under his breath.

"I don't know where on earth Lily or Sirius is. We'll have to ask someone," Remus suggested.

As if on cue, a passing seventh year Slytherin walking down the corridor spotted them. Coking an eyebrow and a cheeky smile, the boy approached them.

"Hello there, ladies," the Slytherin growled, cornering James and Remus against the wall. James frowned at the stranger whilst Remus smacked James on the arm.

"Hello there," Remus said politely, making his voice higher to match a girl's, much too high that it sounded squeaky half way through the greeting. Expectantly, Remus looked at James to give the boy a hello.

"Hello," James answered unenthusiastically. Remus glared at him, ordering him to act more like a girl or they may be found out, especially when the Slytherin was looking suspiciously at him. "I mean," James suddenly took on a fake smile and fluttered his eyelashes, twisting a strand of his fake blonde hair around his finger. "Hi!" he said brightly, too brightly then he nearly deafened the Slytherin.

The nameless boy smiled, more relaxed at James' sudden attentiveness. "I've never seen you two here before. What's your names?"

"My name's Re-," Remus abruptly stopped when he realised he was just about to give his real, full name. "Er, Re-anna! My name's Rhiana!"

"Who's your sister?" The boy asked, figuring Remus and James were related due to their exact faces.

"Ja-," Remus quickly stepped on his high-heeled foot before he made the same mistake of giving his boy name when he was posing as a girl. "Ja-melia. It's Jamelia," James grunted.

"Are you visiting from another school?" The Slytherin asked with curiosity.

"Um, yeah," Remus agreed uncertainly. "We're from...Beauxbatons?" he remembered the school name from a book he'd read on magical schools.

"Beauxbatons, really?"

James rolled his eyes. "No, we're lying," he said dryly. Immediately, Remus burst into fake, anxious laughter and forced James to join in.

"Ignore my sister!" Remus squeaked. "She's just shy."

James scowled, folding his arms in a visible mood.

"So you're, like, from France?" The Slytherin questioned.

James barked a laugh. "Beauxbatons isn't in France, you tit."

Remus exasperatingly shook his head in frustration.

"I think you'll find it is," the Slytherin rectified, giving James an odd look.

"Ignore Jamelia!" Remus faked laughter once more. "We've just been visiting the astronomy classroom. She's smelled too much of the fumes!"

James gave a fake smile to Slytherin to confirm that he had.

"Right. So, your accents. They don't sound very French," the boy noticed.

"We're from Scotland," James blurted out. Remus gave him a bizarre look, wondering what on earth possessed James to say that.

"Scotland? But you don't have Scottish accents."

"We were brought up in England," Remus lied hesitantly.

"Then we moved to France." James explained.

"And went to Beauxbatons," Remus finished.

"Wow," the boy said in interest. "You’ve certainly travelled a lot."

"Yes. We know French," James conjured with arrogance. Remus looked at him furiously for the ridiculous things he was making up; if he was going to lie, then at least make up something remotely believable.

"I know French too," the Slytherin announced. James and Remus' faces dropped worriedly. "Vous les deux regard étourdissant magnifiquement. Etes-vous les deux seul?"

James and Remus turned white. Neither of them knew what the hell he was rambling on about, although they had a feeling he was hitting on them both.

"Wee?" James answered uncertainly, remembering Sirius telling him that either the word 'piss' or 'wee' was 'yes' in French. His lucky guess was right and the Slytherin looked happy at his answer.

"Un baiser dans votre pays n'est-il pas une salutation de bonjour? Est-ce que ça vous ennuierait si je vous ai embrassé les deux?" the Slytherin asked, winking.

"Er...Wee?" James repeated again, wishing this conversation would be over very, very soon. The boy somehow brightened even more at his reply and leaned towards him and Remus with pouted lips and closed eyes.

"Um, we were looking for James Potter!" Remus yelled, putting his hands in front of his face, whilst James had frozen with horror and disgust at what the Slytherin nearly did with his dirty mouth. The boy swiftly opened his eyes and stopped closing towards them.

"James Potter?" he said disappointedly, backing away from them.

"Yeah, that gorgeous hunk," James made a smug smile. "The one who's got the balls to hit on someone in English."

The Slytherin glared at him. "He's tried for sixth years to do that with Lily Evans and has failed." He glowered and James advanced forward.

"So, do you know where he is?" Remus interrupted, pushing James back. The Slytherin smiled at Remus, taking a shine to him and not to his blonde sister.

"I think I saw him going to the lake with Pettigrew," the boy mentioned.

"Thanks! We must get going!" Remus said hurriedly, dragging James by the arm who looked as if he might remove the high heel from his shoe and stab the boy in the head.

"High heel, more like high hell," James muttered painfully, stumbling as he ran down the corridor and towards the entrance of the school.

The Slytherin watched them retreat down the corridor, wearing a puzzled expression. "Weird sisters…French chicks are strange," he noted.

------

Lily stood by the lake, inches away from the water as she looked at her reflection. Her mind was distracted, currently doodling initials of a certain 'J' and 'P' in the notebook she was holding loosely in her hand. She had been daydreaming until a sudden shout startled her, nearly making her fall in the water.

"BOOO!" Sirius yelled, poking Lily's back to get an even more scaring effect.

"AARGH!" Lily shouted, holding onto the apparent James’ arm as she nearly stumbled into the water. She immediately pulled away from him once she'd regained her balance, recognizing the boy.

"What are you doing here, Potter?" she asked uncomfortably, shutting the notebook away from his suspicious eyes.

"I've been looking for you, Evans," Sirius growled with seductiveness. Lily frowned at the messy haired boy.

"Well, I like to go to the lake to be alone," she emphasised, turning her attention to the squid splashing in the water.

"No, Evans, you misunderstand," Sirius spoke deeply, making Lily narrow her eyes with confusion. "I've been looking for someone like you all my life."

Lily reddened with anger. "Will you shut up with your cheesy chat-up lines! Why can't you just be yourself?"

"Don't deny your love for me, Evans."

"My love for you?" Lily gaped at him. "I can't believe how arrogant you are!" she said in disbelief, "it's unsettling!"

"All the things I do, I do for you, Evans!" Sirius said theatrically, grabbing her by the hand. Lily abruptly snatched her hand away and hit him with her notebook.

"Get-over-yourself!" Lily said, in between smacks. Sirius shielded his head pathetically.

"C'mon, Evans. I do everything for you! I make you dinner-"

"You have never made me a meal except for that frog spawn soup you gave me in the hospital wing when I was ill!"

Sirius laughed. "That was great prank I did," he said smugly. Of course, Sirius had been the culprit to change James' bowl of chicken soup for a 'laugh'. Sirius abruptly grew buck teeth after James found out.

"I do your laundry!" Sirius protested.

"You stole my underwear!" Lily yelled indignantly.

"I needed a bra to fling stones at the birds!" Sirius argued. "They were pooping on the windows!"

Lily cried out in frustration. "When will you ever grow up? A six year old has more maturity than you posses!"

"But I clean your dishes!"

"You licked my plate of remains of gravy with your tongue," Lily said distastefully. Sirius had to cringe, admitting that the particular James Potter moment of cleaning Lily's plates to get her germs was not one of James' finest hours.

"So what if James is a disgusting pig?" Sirius said tiredly. "Will you just go out with him, so he will stop stalking you and interrupting my busy schedule with beautiful girls by thinking of multiple ways of ending his life?"

"Why are you referring to yourself as a third person?"

Sirius immediately winced. "Umm..." he fumbled, and realised he would have to go onto Plan C of the many 'great plans' of winning Evans over. Quickly, Sirius signalled to Peter who'd been hiding behind a nearby bush. Peter nodded in understanding and revealed himself, wailing as he ran up to Lily.

"What on earth is that noise?" Lily murmured, wondering why she could hear a guy's screaming animal call. She swiftly turned around and was greeted with Peter Pettigrew, and shrieked as Peter pushed her in the lake. Her body hit the water with an almighty splash.

"Ta, Wormtail," Sirius thanked him, because there was an actual plan to Lily being pushed in the water. Somehow putting Lily in danger, and 'James' saving her, would suddenly make the red haired beauty suddenly fall in love with him.

Lily was currently drowning in the lake.

"Oh my goodness!" a boy cried from the edge of the water, eyes widening as he saw Lily wailing her arms and legs confusedly. A crowd of students had gathered by the lake now, everyone suddenly becoming upset; girls were screaming unnecessarily, people were pretending they knew Lily to get involved and sympathy from others.

"Don't worry! I'll save you!" the boy cried, throwing off his robes and intending to enter the lake.

Sirius quickly stopped him. "Oi, get your own drowning girl."

The boy frowned confusedly at him.

Sirius pulled off his robes and graciously took his time whilst he undressed, ready to save Lily's life.

"Er, Sirius, maybe you should hurry up?" Peter suggested, pointing to the lake where Lily was yelping. Her arms were waving in the air as she cried for help, her head slowly going under.

"Alright, don't get your knickers in a twist. I'm coming," Sirius replied nonchalantly. He made a run up and then dived into the water of the lake; Peter was unfortunately splashed from head to foot.

"My shirt!" he screamed, falling over with the impact of the water. You'd think with the great splash he'd caused he was as big as an obese person, not the lanky James Potter.

Sirius landed in the lake, breathing heavily as his head surfaced in the water. Lily was now by his side, desperately trying to breathe as the water was climbing into her mouth and ears.

This was the moment when Sirius realised that he couldn't swim.

"HELP!" Sirius screamed pathetically, using Lily as some sort of float, which didn't help as he made Lily's head sink further under water. "HELP MEEEEE!"

--------

"What's going on down there?" Remus asked, as he walked across the grounds towards the lake where a crowd of screaming students had gathered.

"Hey, scuse me," James asked a hysterical third year who was running back towards the school. "What's going on?"

The girl looked at 'her' strangely, wondering why 'she' had such a low voice for a girl and what possessed 'her' to wear such a hideous dress.

"Haven't you heard? Apparently some couple are trying to commit some love pact suicide by drowning themselves in the lake," the girl said, before running off. James and Remus wore the same horrified look. They both sprinted towards the group gathered in the grounds.

"Move! Let me through," James commanded, pushing past a swarm of second years who were pointing towards the water. "Don't make me stab your eyes out with my high heels!" he yelled threateningly. The second years quickly made space for him.

Finally the boys managed to get themselves through the swarm of people and gaped in horror to find 'James' and Lily submerged in the water. Remus looked to Peter who was sitting on the ground, deeply upset and mumbling something about his pink fuchsia t-shirt being ruined.

"HELP MEEE!" Sirius was hollering.

"I thought James Potter could swim?" a girl asked her friend.

"Apparently not."

"Oh God! Lily!" James bawled in horror, watching her struggle to keep her head above the water. The fact that she was not screaming for help, or insults at James, was very worrying. James didn't particularly care about Sirius at this time; Sirius had pulled out his hair and was the reason why he was wearing a dress. In James’ opinion, he could drown if he wanted.

"LILY! I'll save you!" James bravely called, taking off his 'loved' shoes.

"Who's she?" A boy asked.

"Dunno. She has a very low voice and from what I can see, a slight stubble too," his friend replied.

However, James was too late to make his rescuing save considering the giant squid currently living in the lake had finally reacted to the two drowning students in the water. The creature suddenly picked the two up by its tentacles and the students gasped as the squid lift the two from the water and dropped them to the grass. Everyone burst into applause at the giant squid's heroics.

"That should be my clapping," Sirius spurted water out of his mouth. Remus swiftly hit him in the back of the head. One; because he was stupid, and two: because he was very, very stupid. In that order.

"Moony, you're ebony haired," Sirius declared. Remus tugged the wig of hair embarrassingly and tried to look as if he was not bothered that he was turning red as a tomato and was standing in a flowery shirt and skirt.

"You're extremely wet," Remus retorted dumbly.

"I'd say that you have more of a right to be embarrassed right now." Sirius squeezed his shirt which made water drip to the ground.

"You squealed like a girl."

"You are a girl," Peter pointed out, pushing his dark glasses further up his nose. Remus had no replying banter to this, so instead took his attention to the real James who looked as if he was about to weep.

"Lily," James breathed, his wig falling off his head. He dropped to his knees and positioned Lily's head on his lap. The girl looked awfully pale and didn't appear to be breathing.

"I think she needs resuscitation," Remus suggested, and regretted his words when he saw the sudden grins on James and the other James' face.

"This is the best day of my life," James said blissfully, puckering his lips as he tilted his head towards the red head of his dreams.

Unfortunately, Lily woke up.

Her eyes shot open and she coughed up water into James' face. He squealed as his face was drenched.

"What happened...?" she asked groggily, trying to pick her head up but only resulted into falling back down onto James' knees.

Lily wiped a hand to her drenched face and focused on a worried upside-down James Head hovering above her, wearing a sparkling red dress. She then turned to a James that was lying next to her, looking wet and soggy. Her eyes finally landed on a James that was standing beside her, dressed in a stylish skirt and shirt of roses.

"Three...James...Potter's?" she mumbled sluggishly, before blacking out.