Naturally

This is a little parody/humour piece.

Warnings: slash, psychosis, and a lot of people who just want to be loved.

Disclaimer: I own the entire world. Including lawyers. And James. ^_^ Hehe.

Summary: Sirius should have listened to Remus when he said that drugs were bad. Now there are purple bunnies with wings, angels juggling LSD bottles, and Voldemort—yes, Voldemort—wants Sirius to kiss him. Sirius only has one word: AAAAARGH!! AU Parody

Narrated by Sirius.

I am quite aware that everything in this is wrong for even real life. Just to let you know.

Please R/R!!!

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Naturally

Sixteen is much too young to die! Honestly, I haven't seen the Falling Tower of Pizza yet, or the Eye-ful Tower, or Big Ben (you know, that massive alarm clock in Birmingham?? You know the one…or is it in Southampton?)!!

But the bunnies want to kill me. The purple ones, you know—the devil-y ones with wings that like to pretend they're your conscience. I really dislike them. They're scary. And those pretty green angels…they've got flowers in their hair and they're wearing reed skirts and coconut bras!! Very pretty, but they're so mean. They keep yelling at me to take something called Ellessdie. I'm not sure I want to take something that sounds like something a posh man would name his son. It could count as murder.

They're at it again. “Seeeeeeereeeeeeoooooosss,” they keep saying—you know, making my name sound Hungryan? Then they juggle bottles with that poor boy's name on, except they must have agreed with me on how appalling it sounded, coz they turned it into `LSD'.

Oh, I'm tired. I think I might just kip for a year…zonk, snore, snore, snore, abrupt waking up

Oh, hallo. Who are you again?

Anyway, my very lovely chum. What about my pal? Oh yes, my very…snore

They're still at it, those angels. And the bunnies, well…

“Sooooooooooooooroooooooooooooissssssss,” they're saying now. Is that my name? It sounds funny. “You must remember your party…”

What party?

Oh, yes! The party where I got all this pretty stuff!! It's glittery. And if you snort it up your nose it tastes funny. I've got some here. I'm gonna try it…oh yes, what a funny feeling. I like it. I don't know what it's called. Nardineiliannah got it for me.

Oh, do you like the name?? I made it up. I don't remember her real name.

Eek!! The drunken devils are trying to hit me with broken beer bottles!! It's scary. And it makes such lovely illiteration. Isn't illiteration the most lovely thing? I think it has another a somewhere in it—like `all'—but it sounds better as `ill'. Don't you agree? Language is preposterous. An important individual ought to abridge all so we can each and every one of us comprehend each other. Because, unequivocally, I cannot identify with a fucking factor I am articulating at this precise instant.

Now I sound like Remus. I wonder if he'd be proud of me for sounding like a loon.

Well, I really don't know what I just said…but I'd hazard a guess that it was something odd…

Remus is my gorgeously wonderful, amazing friend. I love him so much. I don't know if I love him when a) I'm sober and b) I'm not stoned, but I'd like to think so. He's terribly loveable. I want to snog his arse off, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be appreciative of it. I also want to snog Nardineiliannah's friend Yimpreticanastor (again, I forgot his name, but it's something boring like Robert). He's sexy. And Yimpreticanastor's sister, Julia, is also snog-worthy.

But mostly, I just want to snog Remy.

Who was the person who told me not to take the drugs. Oops. Should'a listened to him, I guess.

Teehee! That tickles. Stop tickling my feet, whoever you are!! No, please, don't move…hang on…you're…

screams, runs and hides in a cupboard

This is a squashy, squishy cubby-hole. I like it. Should sit in here more often.

Dammit. The bunnies followed me. Go away conscience!! I don't want to have my toes sucked!

Ooh, there's a voice calling my name…I don't like the sound of that…

Oh no, I can hear him…he's getting closer…he's opening all doors…

cupboard door opens

He's here!!

“Hello Sirius, aren't you sexy?” Voldie says.

Gosh, this is creepy. I'm scared. I don't want to talk to him.

“Won't you kiss me? Please kiss me? You're the loveliest guy in the world!”

I can't help it. I'm going to…to…

throws up over Voldie's shoes

“Yuck!” Voldie yells, and starts throwing random yellow sparks at me. It's horrible. I don't like it; I just want him to go away! “You evil sod! You destroyed my pink suede shoes!”

Oops. I think I made him mad…better run. And those angels aren't being much use!! Those Ellessdie bottles are just hindering them…

Hang on? Is that a frying pan?

gets knocked out

faint voice: “You bitch!”

Ow. My head hurts. I'm lying somewhere. A bed, I think. My bed??

groans

This is so annoying. Oh, there's Remus. He's coming towards me.

“Hello Sirius. I told you drugs were bad for you.”

“I know now,” I tell him, annoyed. “My head is killing me. And I think those devils did some damage. And those bunnies…what's Ellessdie, Remus? The angels wanted me to take it.”

“A drug. And I'm not even gonna ask.”

Would he think of me as an absolute pillock if I started talking oddly? You know, those weird words like unequivocally that seem to have no meaning?

“Yes. Naturally,” he says in reply to my question.

Oh, that's good. That's made me glad. So I went ahead and said it. “Well good. I won't. Did you know that I love you?”

He's silent. Did I say something wrong—I'm always like this. This is odd. It's not like him—he usually always talks, especially when I say something. I've never seen him so nervous.

He turns. He's smiling at me now. Weirdly, but still smiling. It's kind of a sad smile. “Of course,” he says, in a sad voice to match his expression.

“Naturally?” I ask, uncertain.

He smiles, warmer. “Naturally.”

“Oh, and I really want to snog your arse off, just to let you know.”

He laughs. “That sounds like you. Thanks for, uh…”

Oh, I don't care what he thinks of me. I'm going to…snores, wakes up abruptly, kisses Remus without a thought, falls asleep again, and has a dream about Voldie wanting to kiss him—naturally

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Within a superior quality technique, that transpired to be undoubtedly, unequivocally peculiar…

So, whaddaya fink of the posh bit? I really like that. I used the synonyms button. It doesn't really make much sense (or any at all, in actuality), but it's just amusing…

~ Cazzy

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