Breathe Again

-Insignificant-

Rating: G
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 20/02/2006
Last Updated: 20/02/2006
Status: completed

'He opens the door and you hear his footsteps getting closer at you. You feel his presence. You feel like you can breathe again.'

Chapters

1. Breathe Again

1. Breathe Again

Disclaimer: I don't own any character! all belongs to J.K.Rowling

Author's note: Thanks to beta reader!

Just thought of showing you some other work while I'm working on my story: Someday we'll know

***

Breathe Again

You see him and with each moment you know you are losing him. You are losing him to her. You are losing him to the only person you once called friend. You are losing him to the same person you helped get him. You made him notice her. You helped her to win his love, his heart. You never thought she could turn against you. You never thought you could fall for him.

You are there alone, in the corner. Away from everyone else. Away from the noise, away from him. Everyone is happy, he is happy and you are happy for him. Everyone is celebrating, everyone except you. You are sitting alone in the darkest corner of the room, looking at him. No one seem to notice this, no one seems to notice you are missing. No one, not even him, who always seemed to know where you were, who always looked after you just to make sure you were okay...but today he didn't. He didn't care beacause he was with her.

You get up and slowly, yet still fast enough, you make your way up to your room. Up to the room where you have spent so many sleepless nights, beacause you were thinking of him. Because you were crying for him.

Suddenly you hear a knock on the door. You don't even need to ask who it is, beacause you already know. You know who is behind the door, you know it is him and all you can think is that he did notice.

He opens the door and you hear his footsteps getting closer at you. You feel his presence. You feel like you can breathe again. You always feel this way when he is near. That's how you always know it's him. When he is approaching you or when you are with him, you feel alive again. You feel life filling up each and every inch of your body. You feel alive and you can finally breathe again.

You feel your heart racing as if you have run a thousand miles. Your eyes light up whenever you see him, but he never seems to notice. He has only eyes for her, he only sees her. Each time you see them together, your heart stops beating, you feel how you run out of breath and you feel like you can't breathe ever again. Each time you think of them, your heart shrinks under the weight of pain and jealousy. You feel so left out, so alone when you see his eyes upon her.

You hear him getting closer to you. You feel his hands slipping around your tiny waist and resting on your slim stomach, hugging you from behind. But it is nothing new to you. He always does that when he sees how sad you are. He puts his head on your shoulder and you hear him asking, What's wrong? in a soft whisper that sends shivers down your spine.

His hot breath is tickling your neck. His hands around you are making butterflies fly in your stomach, though you know it means nothing to him. Though you know he is just worried about you, but only as best friend. You know it, yet you can't help but wishing to stay like this forever. Each time he hugs you like that, you want to turn around, kiss him and reveal the truth about your feelings for him.

But you can't. You know you can't. It would ruin everything. He would leave you for once and for all. He would hate you and the friendship between you two is destroyed. And you know you can't bear that. You know you just can't. You know you would just die if he would leave you, forget you.

Without being able to tell the truth you feel like you're lieing to him and you feel worse when you see him helplessly shrugging and leaving you alone in the room.

Each time he leaves you feel the life being sucked right out of you. You feel how your heart stops beating, feel how you can no longer breathe nor hold back the salty tears that so dangerously linger on the corners of your eyes. But he doesn't know. He doesn't know how you feel, he doesn't know the silent tears you have cried for him and you promised yourself that he never will know.

But today is different. Today you feel exhausted. You feel tired and you feel how you're losing the last bit of the strength left in you. Today you can't hold back tears and tell him everything is alright. Today you just can't. Today you just let the burning tears fall down your cheeks; today you are too weak to keep pretending that everything is alright, when you know it's not; today he's doing something he's never done before and you cry harder; today you said nothing to him. Today, you didn't give him the know-it-all answer: I'm alright. Today you just started crying.

And you feel how he tightens his embrace. You feel his hot and soft lips on your bare shoulder and you feel the spot where he had kissed you slightly burning. And his hot breath, his soft voice is whispering that everything is alright. Whispering that he's there for you, whispering how everything will be alright, but you know it's not. You know he's never there for you, not in the way you'd like. You know that nothing's alright. You know that and hearing him saying that just makes your heart explode with pain.

And then, then you turn around in his tight embrace and bury your face in his chest. You feel how his heart is beating, you feel the tears rolling down your cheeks. Today you hold him close, you hold him tight, not wanting to let him go. Today you hear yourself saying how it's not okay and how it will never be okay. Today you hear how the words run out of your mouth - not being able to stop them, stop yourself. Today you hear yourself opening your heart to him; today you hear yourself telling him you love him.

Today you hold him even tighter, crying into his chest, holding onto him as if your life depends on it, on him. You hear yourself telling him never leave you. And you feel his hands stroking your back and you know he's listening, waiting to hear more.

And just when you think you are through with this confession you let yourself calm down in his embrace, just to suprise yourself later. But he's still quiet. He still haven't said a word. And just when you think you have no strength left from the flash of feelings that overwhelm you - have no strength left from the confession you suprise yourself, and you do something you shouldn't have. You know you have grossed the line of friendship, but after the truth, you don't care. You don't care because you are too weak to care. Because you're too tired and too hurt to care. You don't care because you will be leaving tomorrow, just to forget him and he knows that now, too.

You tell him that you are leaving, using your new job as an excuse. You tell him you are leaving because you are too hurt to see him with her. You tell him that he's the air you breathe. You tell him about those sleepless nights. You tell him how hurt you are, tell him that he's everything you have ever wanted, needed; you open up your heart and let him see it.

You tell him how tired you are from waiting some sort of sign that he loves you too. Today you're telling him how you have tried to forget him, throw him out of your heart. You are telling him you have decided to leave the country just to get away from him and to forget him. You are telling him how you have looked for a decent job and use it for an excuse of leaving.

And for a brief moment, you notice he's looking at you. You see a trembling tear in the corner of his eyes and you find yourself wishing he would say something, anything... but his lips remain sealed.

And then you losen up that grip and you feel he is doing the same. You look up and meet his eyes, expecting to see anger or love or any other feeling, but you don't; you see nothing. It's all black, dark. His eyes are as cold and emotionless as stone. You feel your heart crashing, shattering into thousands of pieces. Didn't he listen you? Didn't he care at all? Questions filled up your mind but you push them aside, just for this moment.

You see and feel your hands cupping his face. It seems like your body acts its own way; it seems like you have lost the control over your own shaking body. Your thumb caressing his cheek while you feel burning tear rolling down your eyes when you reach up and meet his lips.

This time it wasn't friendly kiss. It was much more. It was passionate kiss from one lover to another.

You finally break apart and meet his eyes once again, hoping to find any feelings now, but still nothing. His eyes are as empty as before. As cold as before. The pain in your heart is unbearable and you can't hold yourself back and start crying again. You can't hold back any more tears, any more pain. You see him taking a step closer to you, his hands reached up to comfort you, just like before. You hear his tender voice whispering softly your name, but the coldness you saw in his eyes made you push him away. With the last look at him you Apparate into your empty apartment.

You look around in the dark room whats only light is the moonlight behind the window. You collapse to the floor and cry harder than ever before. You cry for leaving him. You cry for telling him the truth, you cry for the coldness in his eyes. You cry and cry, finding how hard it is to stop the tears. Finding how hard it is to carry on like this. Finding how pointless your life has became. And you cry even more.

You cry for hours. You cry until there are no tears left. But you don't move. You're still on the cold floor on your empty apartment. You're too weak to move, so you just stay there until you see the sun coming out.

You gather up your strength and get up, only because you have to. Only because it's time for you to leave. You slowly make your way up to the bathroom and you face your reflection from full-size mirror. You hate and despise what looks back at you, you hate that reflection, hate the way you look.

Your eyes are still puffy and red from the crying, the slight make up that you had is ruined. Your beautiful red strapless dress is all messed up and you remember how hard you tried to look beautiful, just for him. You remember how many hours you sat before the mirror to make your hair look the way they did previous night, but now it was all gone, they were messy just like your dress. Your face is pale and eyes are puffy and dark circles are surrounding them.

You had loved the way you looked last night. For the first time you actually liked yourself. You had worked on your look so hard, just to impress him...but you had failed. He still didn't see you the way you wanted him to. He didn't notice you, like you wanted and wished. He was still all over her.

You walk up to bath and let it fill with hot water. Turning back to your reflection you open the zipper of your dress and let it fall on the floor. You stare your new reflection from the mirror before you step into bath and let the hot water caress your exhausted body.

You usually take showers, but not today. Today you wanted to let the hot water wash away the pain, though you knew that was impossible. Today you wanted to caress yourself and let your body relax in the hot water. Today you did everything the opposite of what you were used to.

An hour later you are dressed up and ready to leave. You resize the last items in the apartment and put them in the pocket of your coat. You open the entance door just to find that the sun was hiding itself behind the rain clouds, but you don't care. You close the door behind you and lock it. You sigh and walk further and further away from your apartment, leaving it behind, leaving the past behind.

It's raining - pouring, in fact - but you don't mind it at all. You like it that way. You like it beacause it seems like sky shares your mood and is in your side. As if the sky knows how heartbroken you are. As if the sky knows you are crying inside. As if the sky cries with you, shares your tears with its own.

With each step you make, you leave the past behind and get one step closer to your new life, new future. You don't Apparate, you don't use the Knight Bus - you want to walk, because you want to be in the rain and became one with the sky. You walk until you are far, far away from your old life. You walk until you feel tired and you call a cab. You like it this way; you like using Muggle way and you tell the cab driver to get you to the airport.

You decided to leave this country by using an airplane. You know you could easily just Apparate or Floo or use a portkey or any other Wizarding way, but you don't, not even knowing why. Perhaps you are waiting and wishing to see him waiting for you in the airport, begging you not to leave. Perhaps you just want to be trapped in the crowded airplane, surrounded by strangers, surrounded by non-magical people, so it would be easier for you to leave behind your wizarding life that you've known for so long time. Perhaps you just want to see how you're leaving your life and friends behind you, take one last look at the country where you have lived all your life and greet your new country, your new home. Welcome France and get used to the terrifying thought of new life.

You don't know if leaving is the best thing to do, but you know no other way. You pay the cab driver and get out of the car. You look at the people who are hurrying in and out to the station. With a deep sigh you walk closer to the doors that will mean the end of your previous life, end of the life you've known all along.

You know you are not late, nor too early and you are ready to go to your plane. You look around and see no friend of yours, not that you expected anyone. Everyone knew you would leave next friday, but you couldn't wait that long and you had changed the ticket. Only he knew you'll be leaving today, only he knew and he wasn't here. You had left a notice to friends before you had left home, hoping they will understand you and not accuse you.

Though you had lied to them in the note you left behind. You told them that she had a urgent call and you had no time to say goodbye to everyone personally. Once again you look around yourself, hoping to see him, but you don't. He's nowhere to be seen. He's nowhere and you're alone. You feel tear lingering in your eyes as you show the ticket and go to plane.

You take a seat under the window, though you're not interested in what's going on outside. You are not interested because, once again, you find yourself thinking of him. You find yourself thinking about when it all started, when you started having these feelings for him as you did now. You know you have loved him for years, know you have loved him all the time you've known him, but you were too blind to see it then. Too stubborn to admit it.

You find yourself thinking of her. Thinking what good friends you were and how you helped her to get him. How you helped her win his heart and how she, after that, turned against you. How she tried so hard to push you out of his life. How she insulted you with sarcasm, how she put you in unpleasent situations just to convince him how worthless you are. You remember how she made jokes at your expense.

You turn to look outside, not because you found it interesting, but because you want to hide the tears from the others. You ask over and over again, why didn't he come? Why didn't he stop you? Why doesn't he love you like you love him?

But you don't know that he did come. You don't know that he was a bit late and did his best to stop the plane from leaving. You don't know what kind of fights he had in the station to stop you from leaving. You don't know, because you are already in the plane, ready to leave. You don't know because you are, once again, crying for him, thinking of him.

But you do know one thing. You know that the plane will be leaving late because of the storm. But you don't know it will leave late only because he used all his powers to stop the plane from taking flight.

You do not see how he's entered the plane, trying to find you. You do not see it because you're looking outside, crying and not paying any attention to anything what's going on around you. And you're too exhausted and tired to feel his presence; too hurt to feel how near he is.

And then you hear it. You hear him saying your name and you look up, just to meet his eyes. Just to see how the tear roll down his face. You slowly get up and face him, not breaking eye contact. Neither of you say a word. Silence hangs between the two of you, questions above you. You look at him questionly, waiting him to give you any explanation. Waiting him to open up and say something, anything.

For a moment you even thought you had fallen asleep and this, right now, was just a dream. That he wasn't really standing there, that it was only a dream. You thought it was a dream because it was the deepest wish of your heart. Realizing that he will be silent and say nothing, you feel your, now racing heart, skip down. You feel how it was crushed once more and you break the brief eye contact by looking down and then out the window. And just when you're about to sit down again, you feel him taking your hand and turning you slightly so you are now, once again, facing him.

And then you know it's not a dream. You know you're not sleeping because the place he's holding you burns. Electricity fills your body from his touch and you know for sure that it's not a dream. You don't know why he is here, why he's standing before you. He wasn't here just to stop you from leaving, was he? If he was, he would have said something - anything - wouldn't he?

Yet you still you wanted to throw your arms around him, be happy that he did come, but his coldness from previous night flashed back in your mind and you hear yourself telling him to leave and you pull your hand away from his grip. More tears rolling down as you sit down and look outside again. You want him to stay and then again, you want him to leave. It hurts you to see him there, know he's there, but not for the reasons you wish to have him there. Know he's there, but not being able to hold him.

"I can't," you hear him saying softly, his voice pulling you back to reality, out of your thoughts. You want to look up at him but you can't pull yourself to do so. You're too hurt. "Why not?" you answer in choking voice, knowing how everyone in the plane were staring at the both of you, realizing that he had stopped the plane for some reason, or did you just want to think that? To think he was the one who stopped the plane, when he actually wasn't?

"I can't let you leave," you hear him answer, "Not without a goodbye," he added and you force yourself to look at him and hear yourself saying the words that he wanted to hear. You hear your own voice saying goodbye before you turn your gaze back to the window.

You don't know how wrong a move it was. How wrong it was from you to look outside instead of looking at him. You don't know that if you would have looked him, you would have seen him shaking his head and looking down. From the corner of your eye you see him still standing there."You may leave now," you hear yourself saying with cold voice.

"No," he says firmly, making you look at him. Why didn't he leave? Didn't he get it? Didn't he know how hard it was for you to leave him? To talk to him the way you did. Why did he have to make it harder on you, haven't you suffered enough? "Not until you listen to what I have to say. Not until you know the truth." His words are like daggers stabbing you and your already broken heart.

What truth, you want to know and that is what you asked him. But he don't want to talk to the back of your head. He says he wants to talk to you face to face, to look at you in the eye. No, he was definitely not making it easy for you. Once again you force yourself to look at him and see he has held out hands for you to take them. Reluctantly you place your hands in his and feel him pulling you up to your trembling feet.

"Last night, you opened your heart to me, while I wasn't able to do the same. I was suprised, flattered and happy, but I was afraid to let you see it." You hear him saying and you see how the look in his eyes is softening. "You told me you love me," he says and you feel like choking again. Why did he bring that up? Why don't he finish your suffering and tell you how he only thinks of you as his best friend. Why doesn't he just burn your heart into ashes and let you be. "But I couldn't say the same."

Here, you finally hear what you have known all along. He doesn't love you and he was now here, telling this to you as if you already don't know it. But he wasn't done. He continued. "You know how bad I am with that kind of stuff." Yes he is. You know how he is, you know how he hates hurting people, but yet again he has hurt you for years, not that he was aware of it all.

"Today, knowing you were leaving I felt like I would die. I knew I couldn't let you leave like that. I knew I couldn't live without telling you the truth. I couldn't let you leave without letting you know the truth," he continues as the tears roll down your cheeks. You shake your head and beg him to stop. Beg him not to say anything, but he doesn't seem to care.

"I couldn't let you leave not telling you how important you are. I couldn't let you leave without telling you that I love you too." And you think you heard wrong. You think he's just making fun of you. You ask about her and he shook his head. "I was only with her beacause I was afraid of my own feelings for you. I was with her just to forget you, I never thought you could feel the same way. And I was afraid to tell you the truth."

And now it was your time to shook your head. You can't believe it, you know it is just a joke, but why was he doing this to you? How could he be so cruel and make fun of you. "And if you still want to leave, I will accept it and return to my normal life, knowing that I was too late and I will let you go. I will try to live without you in my life. But I just couldn't let you leave like that. Last night, on my 20th birthday you gave me the most wonderful gift that anyone could give. You opened your heart and gave me love. And now, the reason why I am here is that I wanted to tell you, that I love you 'Mione, always and forever." You hear him saying and without thinking you wrap your arms around him and kiss him fierecly, hearing the other people in the plane clapping they're hands.

"I love you, too, Harry," you say after kissing him and hold him close to you. "Let's go home," you finally say and feel, once again, that you are alive. You feel happier than you have ever felt before.

He takes your hand and leads you out of the plane, and towards the future life with him. You can't stop smiling, you can't stop your heart racing the way it does. And you notice that it isn’t raining anymore. You notice how beautiful life is as if you see it for the first time. And, in a way, you know you do. You look up at him when you are leaving the station and see him looking down at you. He places a kiss on your lips and you see love in his eyes and you know now that you are fully alive and you can breathe, breathe forever.