Breathe Again by -Insignificant-

Rating: G
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 20/02/2006
Last Updated: 20/02/2006
Status: Completed

'He opens the door and you hear his footsteps getting closer at you. You feel his presence.
You feel like you can breathe again.'




1. Breathe Again
----------------

**Disclaimer:** *I don't own any character! all belongs to J.K.Rowling*

**Author's note:** *Thanks to beta reader!*

*Just thought of showing you some other work while I'm working on my story: Someday
we'll know*



*****



**Breathe Again**





You see him and with each moment you know you are losing him. You are losing him to *her*.
You are losing him to the only person you once called friend. You are losing him to the same person
you helped get him. You made him notice her. You helped her to win his love, his heart. You never
thought she could turn against you. You never thought you could fall for him.



You are there alone, in the corner. Away from everyone else. Away from the noise, away from him.
Everyone is happy, he is happy and you are happy for him. Everyone is celebrating, everyone except
you. You are sitting alone in the darkest corner of the room, looking at him. No one seem to notice
this, no one seems to notice you are missing. No one, not even *him*, who always seemed to
know where you were, who always looked after you just to make sure you were okay...but today he
didn't. He didn't care beacause he was with *her*.



You get up and slowly, yet still fast enough, you make your way up to your room. Up to the room
where you have spent so many sleepless nights, beacause you were thinking of him. Because you were
crying for him.



Suddenly you hear a knock on the door. You don't even need to ask who it is, beacause you
already know. You know who is behind the door, you know it is him and all you can think is that he
*did* notice.



He opens the door and you hear his footsteps getting closer at you. You feel his presence. You
feel like you can breathe again. You always feel this way when he is near. That's how you
always know it's him. When he is approaching you or when you are with him, you feel alive
again. You feel life filling up each and every inch of your body. You feel alive and you can
finally breathe again.



You feel your heart racing as if you have run a thousand miles. Your eyes light up whenever you
see him, but he never seems to notice. He has only eyes for her, he only sees *her*. Each time
you see them together, your heart stops beating, you feel how you run out of breath and you feel
like you can't breathe ever again. Each time you think of them, your heart shrinks under the
weight of pain and jealousy. You feel so left out, so alone when you see his eyes upon her.



You hear him getting closer to you. You feel his hands slipping around your tiny waist and
resting on your slim stomach, hugging you from behind. But it is nothing new to you. He always does
that when he sees how sad you are. He puts his head on your shoulder and you hear him asking,
*What's wrong?* in a soft whisper that sends shivers down your spine.



His hot breath is tickling your neck. His hands around you are making butterflies fly in your
stomach, though you know it means nothing to him. Though you know he is just worried about you, but
only as best friend. You know it, yet you can't help but wishing to stay like this forever.
Each time he hugs you like that, you want to turn around, kiss him and reveal the truth about your
feelings for him.



But you can't. You know you can't. It would ruin everything. He would leave you for once
and for all. He would hate you and the friendship between you two is destroyed. And you know you
can't bear that. You know you just can't. You know you would just die if he would leave
you, *forget* you.



Without being able to tell the truth you feel like you're lieing to him and you feel worse
when you see him helplessly shrugging and leaving you alone in the room.



Each time he leaves you feel the life being sucked right out of you. You feel how your heart
stops beating, feel how you can no longer breathe nor hold back the salty tears that so dangerously
linger on the corners of your eyes. But he doesn't know. He doesn't know how you feel, he
doesn't know the silent tears you have cried for him and you promised yourself that he never
will know.



But today is different. Today you feel exhausted. You feel tired and you feel how you're
losing the last bit of the strength left in you. Today you can't hold back tears and tell him
everything is alright. Today you just can't. Today you just let the burning tears fall down
your cheeks; today you are too weak to keep pretending that everything is alright, when you know
it's not; today he's doing something he's never done before and you cry harder; today
you said nothing to him. Today, you didn't give him the know-it-all answer: *I'm
alright*. Today you just started crying.



And you feel how he tightens his embrace. You feel his hot and soft lips on your bare shoulder
and you feel the spot where he had kissed you slightly burning. And his hot breath, his soft voice
is whispering that everything is alright. Whispering that he's there for you, whispering how
everything will be alright, but you know it's not. You know he's never there for you, not
in the way you'd like. You know that *nothing's* alright. You know that and hearing
him saying that just makes your heart explode with pain.



And then, then you turn around in his tight embrace and bury your face in his chest. You feel
how his heart is beating, you feel the tears rolling down your cheeks. Today you hold him close,
you hold him tight, not wanting to let him go. Today you hear yourself saying how it's
*not* okay and how it will *never* be okay. Today you hear how the words run out of your
mouth - not being able to stop them, stop yourself. Today you hear yourself opening your heart to
him; today you hear yourself telling him you *love* him.



Today you hold him even tighter, crying into his chest, holding onto him as if your life depends
on it, on him. You hear yourself telling him never leave you. And you feel his hands stroking your
back and you know he's listening, waiting to hear more.



And just when you think you are through with this confession you let yourself calm down in his
embrace, just to suprise yourself later. But he's still quiet. He still haven't said a
word. And just when you think you have no strength left from the flash of feelings that overwhelm
you - have no strength left from the confession you suprise yourself, and you do something you
shouldn't have. You know you have grossed the line of friendship, but after the truth, you
don't care. You don't care because you are too weak to care. Because you're too tired
and too hurt to care. You don't care because you will be leaving tomorrow, just to forget him
and he knows that now, too.



You tell him that you are leaving, using your new job as an excuse. You tell him you are leaving
because you are too hurt to see him with her. You tell him that he's the air you breathe. You
tell him about those sleepless nights. You tell him how hurt you are, tell him that he's
everything you have ever wanted, *needed*; you open up your heart and let him see it.



You tell him how tired you are from waiting some sort of sign that he loves you too. Today
you're telling him how you have tried to forget him, throw him out of your heart. You are
telling him you have decided to leave the country just to get away from him and to forget him. You
are telling him how you have looked for a decent job and use it for an excuse of leaving.



And for a brief moment, you notice he's looking at you. You see a trembling tear in the
corner of his eyes and you find yourself wishing he would say something, *anything*... but his
lips remain sealed.



And then you losen up that grip and you feel he is doing the same. You look up and meet his
eyes, expecting to see anger or love or any other feeling, but you don't; you see nothing.
It's all black, dark. His eyes are as cold and emotionless as stone. You feel your heart
crashing, shattering into thousands of pieces. Didn't he listen you? Didn't he care at all?
Questions filled up your mind but you push them aside, just for this moment.



You see and feel your hands cupping his face. It seems like your body acts its own way; it seems
like you have lost the control over your own shaking body. Your thumb caressing his cheek while you
feel burning tear rolling down your eyes when you reach up and meet his lips.



This time it wasn't friendly kiss. It was much more. It was passionate kiss from one lover
to another.



You finally break apart and meet his eyes once again, hoping to find any feelings now, but still
nothing. His eyes are as empty as before. As cold as before. The pain in your heart is unbearable
and you can't hold yourself back and start crying again. You can't hold back any more
tears, any more pain. You see him taking a step closer to you, his hands reached up to comfort you,
just like before. You hear his tender voice whispering softly your name, but the coldness you saw
in his eyes made you push him away. With the last look at him you Apparate into your empty
apartment.



You look around in the dark room whats only light is the moonlight behind the window. You
collapse to the floor and cry harder than ever before. You cry for leaving him. You cry for telling
him the truth, you cry for the coldness in his eyes. You cry and cry, finding how hard it is to
stop the tears. Finding how hard it is to carry on like this. Finding how pointless your life has
became. And you cry even more.



You cry for hours. You cry until there are no tears left. But you don't move. You're
still on the cold floor on your empty apartment. You're too weak to move, so you just stay
there until you see the sun coming out.



You gather up your strength and get up, only because you have to. Only because it's time for
you to leave. You slowly make your way up to the bathroom and you face your reflection from
full-size mirror. You hate and despise what looks back at you, you hate that reflection, hate the
way you look.



Your eyes are still puffy and red from the crying, the slight make up that you had is ruined.
Your beautiful red strapless dress is all messed up and you remember how hard you tried to look
beautiful, just for him. You remember how many hours you sat before the mirror to make your hair
look the way they did previous night, but now it was all gone, they were messy just like your
dress. Your face is pale and eyes are puffy and dark circles are surrounding them.



You had loved the way you looked last night. For the first time you actually liked yourself. You
had worked on your look so hard, just to impress *him*...but you had failed. He still
didn't see you the way you wanted him to. He didn't notice you, like you wanted and wished.
He was still all over her.



You walk up to bath and let it fill with hot water. Turning back to your reflection you open the
zipper of your dress and let it fall on the floor. You stare your new reflection from the mirror
before you step into bath and let the hot water caress your exhausted body.



You usually take showers, but not today. Today you wanted to let the hot water wash away the
pain, though you knew that was impossible. Today you wanted to caress yourself and let your body
relax in the hot water. Today you did everything the opposite of what you were used to.



An hour later you are dressed up and ready to leave. You resize the last items in the apartment
and put them in the pocket of your coat. You open the entance door just to find that the sun was
hiding itself behind the rain clouds, but you don't care. You close the door behind you and
lock it. You sigh and walk further and further away from your apartment, leaving it behind, leaving
the past behind.



It's raining - pouring, in fact - but you don't mind it at all. You like it that way.
You like it beacause it seems like sky shares your mood and is in your side. As if the sky knows
how heartbroken you are. As if the sky knows you are crying inside. As if the sky cries with you,
shares your tears with its own.



With each step you make, you leave the past behind and get one step closer to your new life, new
future. You don't Apparate, you don't use the Knight Bus - you want to walk, because you
want to be in the rain and became one with the sky. You walk until you are far, far away from your
old life. You walk until you feel tired and you call a cab. You like it this way; you like using
Muggle way and you tell the cab driver to get you to the airport.



You decided to leave this country by using an airplane. You know you could easily just Apparate
or Floo or use a portkey or any other Wizarding way, but you don't, not even knowing why.
Perhaps you are waiting and wishing to see him waiting for you in the airport, begging you not to
leave. Perhaps you just want to be trapped in the crowded airplane, surrounded by strangers,
surrounded by non-magical people, so it would be easier for you to leave behind your wizarding life
that you've known for so long time. Perhaps you just want to see how you're leaving your
life and friends behind you, take one last look at the country where you have lived all your life
and greet your new country, your new home. Welcome France and get used to the terrifying thought of
new life.



You don't know if leaving is the best thing to do, but you know no other way. You pay the
cab driver and get out of the car. You look at the people who are hurrying in and out to the
station. With a deep sigh you walk closer to the doors that will mean the end of your previous
life, end of the life you've known all along.



You know you are not late, nor too early and you are ready to go to your plane. You look around
and see no friend of yours, not that you expected anyone. Everyone knew you would leave next
friday, but you couldn't wait that long and you had changed the ticket. Only he knew you'll
be leaving today, only he knew and he wasn't here. You had left a notice to friends before you
had left home, hoping they will understand you and not accuse you.



Though you had lied to them in the note you left behind. You told them that she had a urgent
call and you had no time to say goodbye to everyone personally. Once again you look around
yourself, hoping to see him, but you don't. He's nowhere to be seen. He's nowhere and
you're alone. You feel tear lingering in your eyes as you show the ticket and go to plane.



You take a seat under the window, though you're not interested in what's going on
outside. You are not interested because, once again, you find yourself thinking of *him*. You
find yourself thinking about when it all started, when you started having these feelings for him as
you did now. You know you have loved him for years, know you have loved him all the time you've
known him, but you were too blind to see it then. Too stubborn to admit it.



You find yourself thinking of *her*. Thinking what good friends you were and how you helped
her to get him. How you helped her win his heart and how she, after that, turned against you. How
she tried so hard to push you out of his life. How she insulted you with sarcasm, how she put you
in unpleasent situations just to convince him how worthless you are. You remember how she made
jokes at your expense.



You turn to look outside, not because you found it interesting, but because you want to hide the
tears from the others. You ask over and over again, *why didn't he come?* Why didn't
he stop you? Why doesn't he love you like you love him?



But you don't know that he did come. You don't know that he was a bit late and did his
best to stop the plane from leaving. You don't know what kind of fights he had in the station
to stop you from leaving. You don't know, because you are already in the plane, ready to leave.
You don't know because you are, once again, crying for him, thinking of him.



But you do know one thing. You know that the plane will be leaving late because of the storm.
But you don't know it will leave late only because he used all his powers to stop the plane
from taking flight.



You do not see how he's entered the plane, trying to find you. You do not see it because
you're looking outside, crying and not paying any attention to anything what's going on
around you. And you're too exhausted and tired to feel his presence; too hurt to feel how near
he is.



And then you hear it. You hear him saying your name and you look up, just to meet his eyes. Just
to see how the tear roll down his face. You slowly get up and face him, not breaking eye contact.
Neither of you say a word. Silence hangs between the two of you, questions above you. You look at
him questionly, waiting him to give you any explanation. Waiting him to open up and say something,
*anything*.



For a moment you even thought you had fallen asleep and this, right now, was just a dream. That
he wasn't really standing there, that it was only a dream. You thought it was a dream because
it was the deepest wish of your heart. Realizing that he will be silent and say nothing, you feel
your, now racing heart, skip down. You feel how it was crushed once more and you break the brief
eye contact by looking down and then out the window. And just when you're about to sit down
again, you feel him taking your hand and turning you slightly so you are now, once again, facing
him.



And then you know it's not a dream. You know you're not sleeping because the place
he's holding you burns. Electricity fills your body from his touch and you know for sure that
it's not a dream. You don't know why he is here, why he's standing before you. He
wasn't here just to stop you from leaving, was he? If he was, he would have said something -
*anything* - wouldn't he?



Yet you still you wanted to throw your arms around him, be happy that he did come, but his
coldness from previous night flashed back in your mind and you hear yourself telling him to leave
and you pull your hand away from his grip. More tears rolling down as you sit down and look outside
again. You want him to stay and then again, you want him to leave. It hurts you to see him there,
know he's there, but not for the reasons you wish to have him there. Know he's there, but
not being able to hold him.



"I can't," you hear him saying softly, his voice pulling you back to reality, out
of your thoughts. You want to look up at him but you can't pull yourself to do so. You're
too hurt. "Why not?" you answer in choking voice, knowing how everyone in the plane were
staring at the both of you, realizing that he had stopped the plane for some reason, or did you
just want to think that? To think he was the one who stopped the plane, when he actually
wasn't?



"I can't let you leave," you hear him answer, "Not without a goodbye,"
he added and you force yourself to look at him and hear yourself saying the words that he wanted to
hear. You hear your own voice saying goodbye before you turn your gaze back to the window.



You don't know how wrong a move it was. How wrong it was from you to look outside instead of
looking at him. You don't know that if you would have looked him, you would have seen him
shaking his head and looking down. From the corner of your eye you see him still standing
there."You may leave now," you hear yourself saying with cold voice.



"No," he says firmly, making you look at him. Why didn't he leave? Didn't he
get it? Didn't he know how hard it was for you to leave him? To talk to him the way you did.
Why did he have to make it harder on you, haven't you suffered enough? "Not until you
listen to what I have to say. Not until you know the truth." His words are like daggers
stabbing you and your already broken heart.



*What truth*, you want to know and that is what you asked him. But he don't want to
talk to the back of your head. He says he wants to talk to you face to face, to look at you in the
eye. No, he was definitely not making it easy for you. Once again you force yourself to look at him
and see he has held out hands for you to take them. Reluctantly you place your hands in his and
feel him pulling you up to your trembling feet.



"Last night, you opened your heart to me, while I wasn't able to do the same. I was
suprised, flattered and happy, but I was afraid to let you see it." You hear him saying and
you see how the look in his eyes is softening. "You told me you love me," he says and you
feel like choking again. Why did he bring that up? Why don't he finish your suffering and tell
you how he only thinks of you as his best friend. Why doesn't he just burn your heart into
ashes and let you be. "But I couldn't say the same."



Here, you finally hear what you have known all along. He doesn't love you and he was now
here, telling this to you as if you already don't know it. But he wasn't done. He
continued. "You know how bad I am with that kind of stuff." Yes he is. You know how he
is, you know how he hates hurting people, but yet again he has hurt you for years, not that he was
aware of it all.



"Today, knowing you were leaving I felt like I would die. I knew I couldn't let you
leave like that. I knew I couldn't live without telling you the truth. I couldn't let you
leave without letting you know the truth," he continues as the tears roll down your cheeks.
You shake your head and beg him to stop. Beg him not to say anything, but he doesn't seem to
care.



"I couldn't let you leave not telling you how important you are. I couldn't let you
leave without telling you that I love you too." And you think you heard wrong. You think
he's just making fun of you. You ask about her and he shook his head. "I was only with her
beacause I was afraid of my own feelings for you. I was with her just to forget you, I never
thought you could feel the same way. And I was afraid to tell you the truth."



And now it was your time to shook your head. You can't believe it, you know it is just a
joke, but why was he doing this to you? How could he be so cruel and make fun of you. "And if
you still want to leave, I will accept it and return to my normal life, knowing that I was too late
and I will let you go. I will try to live without you in my life. But I just couldn't let you
leave like that. Last night, on my 20th birthday you gave me the most wonderful gift
that anyone could give. You opened your heart and gave me love. And now, the reason why I am here
is that I wanted to tell you, that I love you 'Mione, always and forever." You hear him
saying and without thinking you wrap your arms around him and kiss him fierecly, hearing the other
people in the plane clapping they're hands.



"I love you, too, Harry," you say after kissing him and hold him close to you.
"Let's go home," you finally say and feel, once again, that you are alive. You feel
happier than you have ever felt before.



He takes your hand and leads you out of the plane, and towards the future life with him. You
can't stop smiling, you can't stop your heart racing the way it does. And you notice that
it isn’t raining anymore. You notice how beautiful life is as if you see it for the first time.
And, in a way, you know you do. You look up at him when you are leaving the station and see him
looking down at you. He places a kiss on your lips and you see love in his eyes and you know now
that you are fully alive and you can breathe, breathe *forever*.