James' worst fear

James’ worst fear

Never had the Defence against the Dark Arts professor seen anything like it in his whole two years of his elongated career. Of course, the job is cursed and he’s planning to retire at the end of the year, and that’s only if he isn’t murdered beforehand. But under no circumstances had he seen a student’s Boggart transform into an actual person, a person of demise. Students at such a young age shouldn’t invoke such images of a fear of loved ones dying; they should conjure up petty fears such as ‘terrifying’ animals. Spiders, snakes, or in Sirius Black’s case: clowns.

“I told you, those muggle things are scary!” insisted Sirius, joining the rest of the marauders who were queuing to go up against the Boggart, just after he’d performed the ‘Riddikulus’ spell himself. He outwardly shivered and Remus Lupin gave him a supportive pat on the back.

“I’ll remember never to invite you to a circus,” Remus noted.

“Next!” The professor yelled, and the queue bustled along.

Lily Evans cursed as her friend pushed her back on purpose, making her tumble into James Potter. He flashed a grin back at her, thinking Lily had deliberately tried to get in contact with him. She did not return the smile and merely whipped her head round to glare at her culpable friend. “Stop it!” she hissed.

“I wonder what your Boggart will be, Lily,” her friend pondered, “Maybe it’ll be Potter!” she laughed.

Lily rolled her eyes. “The Boggart takes on the form of its intended victim's worst fear, not the victim’s most annoying person.”

She instantly regretted the comment as James glanced back with a hurt expression.

“Go in front of me, James,” Remus said, gesturing him to go forward.

James tried to disguise the frown on his face from Lily’s remark and faced Remus with a curious expression. “Why?” he asked.

The light haired boy shot him a deep look before looking down at his shoes. “Because you know what the Boggart will turn into if I go up…” he trailed off.

James instantly knew what he was talking about, the image of the glistening full moon filling his head. Showing a sympathetic smile, he took Remus’ place and told him to sneak to the back of the queue when the Professor wasn’t looking.

“Next!”

Peter Pettigrew returned to his friends with a pale face. He shook his head, as though he were shaking the Boggart’s terrifying image out of his mind.

“What did you get, Wormtail?” Sirius asked.

Turning red, Peter mumbled, “Filch’s cat.”

The boys laughed but gave him understandable nods, knowing Peter’s fear of felines altogether, especially when he was most vulnerable in his animagus form. Peter had managed to escape many chasings from Mrs. Norris, though he went away with many cuts and scratches.

“Next!”

James stepped forward, shoulders proud and his chin titled up high. If he was scared of what was to come, he didn’t show it.

“I’m afraid you might be disappointed, professor. I’m not afraid of anything,” James said arrogantly, shooting a look at the marauders who chortled. Lily, standing behind him, crossed her arms with disapprove.

“I wouldn’t be so cocky, Mr. Potter.” The professor smiled. “Everyone has a fear deep inside...” His tone drawled somewhat mysteriously and to some extent ran shivers up James’ spine. “Wand at the ready, please.”

Heightening his stance, James raised his wand from his side and pointed it out on front of him; straight and confidently. The professor arched an eyebrow, asking him if he was prepared. James nodded, and watched the wardrobe door whip open and the Bogart escape from within. Patiently he watched the Boggart shape-shift with much twisting and turning until it finally conjured up a final form.

He felt his throat tighten, along the rest of the class who gasped in sync, some even screaming. He didn’t know what to expect, but he hadn’t expected this. Anything but this.

“R-r…” James couldn’t find his voice, and he found the poise of his wand arm fall to his side, not being able to support itself.

She was just lying there. Her long hair plastered across her face, dripping in blood. Her eyes were open but you could tell she wasn’t of the living. She lay there so limp and lifeless; her hand poised as if she was clutching something yet nothing was in her palm. Maybe she had been clutching for life...

“R-ridikkulus!” James pointed his shaking wand arm but his voice was just as wavering.

The Boggart remained.

Her dead body remained.

This is my fear? James thought, with his heart racing. My fear is Lily dying?

He watched the real Lily step forward, her hands covering her mouth. One could only imagine seeing yourself dead was disturbing. She looked back and forth between her dead body and James, pale and frightened. In the tense silence of the classroom, the professor who was just as white as Lily also stepped forward, debating whether to act and as he was just as shocked as everyone else in the room.

Seeing the real Lily seemed to awaken James from his trance and he shook himself of the darkening thoughts the Boggart was filling him up with. Thrusting his wand arm forward, he yelled a steady; “RIDDIKULUS!” and Lily’s body disappeared. All that was left on the ground was the worn tiles of the empty classroom.

With his head down, still shaking, James dropped his wand to the floor, completely overwhelmed. Not looking up, he thrust his way through the crowd of students, knowing he was centre of attention at that particular moment with everyone’s eyes on him. He ignored the shout of ‘Prongs!’ from Sirius and ran from the classroom, not looking back.

Minutes later, he stopped in the corridor to heave his breath back. He stared long and hard at the wall. What exactly had happened back there? His mind reeled. He blinked and shook his head as more images of the Boggart filled his brain.

“Potter!”

He heard the sound of incoming footsteps echoing down the corridor and he looked up inquisitively, rather stunned to see Lily before him.

“What were you thinking just running out in the middle of class like that?” she asked, her inner prefect attitude taking control. Calming herself and softening her tone, she said, “here,” outstretching her hand that was clutching his wand. “You dropped this.”

Cocking his head, James quietly reached out his hand and held onto his wand, thinking Lily would let go the second he had done this. Instead, she didn’t let go of the wand, as if she didn’t want to break contact with him, and looked at him with a somewhat pitying expression. James hated that look. It made him feel as if he was weak.

“You can let go of the wand now,” he breathed.

She eventually did what she was told and dropped her hand. “What exactly was that back there, Potter?” she asked timidly, her tone of voice suggesting she was desperate for an answer.

“You saw what happened,” James said, not wanting to elaborate on what took place in the classroom.

“I know I saw what happened, I just don’t understand why,” she stressed.

He dropped his hands from running agitatedly through his hair that had somehow got covered in the sweat that had dripped from his forehead. “Well, isn’t it obvious?”

A confused look from Lily answered the question that it wasn’t clearly obvious to her. “I mean, that Boggart-”

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you in front of everyone,” James cut in suddenly.

Lily almost laughed. “I don’t think being embarrassed ever occurred to me. I was more, er, shocked, to say the least…seeing me like that, I mean,” she paused, trying to find the right words, “Conjuring up a Boggart of a person…being like that, well, that person must care a lot for that other individual. Maybe even to the point of love.” She tried disguising who she was talking about though it was pretty obvious who she was referring to.

“Of course,” James agreed.

Lily was at a lost for words, and her mouth opened and closed as she was unsure what to say. “I know you’ve…you’ve always had a ‘crush’ on me,” -she made air quotes with uncertainty and instantly stopped the action, feeling more self-conscious- “er, fancy me, or however you want to say it,” she said embarrassingly, blushing. “But what happened back there, with that Boggart-”

“It obviously shows you mean more to me than just a little crush,” James finished.

Lily fiddled with the sleeves of her robe. “And when did you realise that?” she asked quietly, not able to meet his gaze.

“Seeing you…like that,” he told the truth, shutting his eyes.

“But- how can you be afraid that of me getting hurt? Of…dying,” she said uncomfortably.

James shrugged with slumped shoulders. “It’s dark times. Dark wizards. Murders every day…”

Lily shook her head pitifully and reached out to touch his arm. “Potter, I…” She was suddenly aware of their close contact and how adjacent and easy it was for him to turn his head and kiss her. She had to admit that she was tempted to just let him do it. She could already feel his warm breath on her cheek. “If you’re going to ask to kiss me, I’m probably going to decline.”

“Probably?” James echoed.

“Did I say probably? I meant: I’m going to.”

“I never ask either.”

“You should.”

Nonetheless, James leaned forward to brush his lips with hers, but the image of the Boggart –of Lily’s mangled dead body- abruptly flashed into his head. He could picture her open, frozen green eyes. Seeing those same eyes on Lily now -but brighter, more alive- made James jump back and lean on the wall for support. Lily showed a slightly hurt expression at his actions.

“Sorry,” he apologized. “That Boggart’s haunting me,” he gestured to his head.

Smiling sadly, she quietly moved forward. James watched as she rose on her tiptoes to give him a slow and soft kiss on the cheek. Though it lasted barely a second, it felt like a lifetime to him.

“Change your Boggart, James,” Lily said once she pulled away from him.

“What?” he mumbled, somewhat dazed.

“Change your Boggart,” Lily spoke more determinedly. “Because I’m not going anywhere. Not if-”

“I can help it,” James finished.

Later that year, when James asked the professor to be faced once more with the Boggart, the creature manifested into the image of a dementor. After all, there was nothing to fear except fear itself.