Then Again I Love You

goodhumorgal

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 4
Published: 14/06/2003
Last Updated: 14/06/2003
Status: completed

He lost his chance with her the first time, but how about the second?

Chapters

1. TAILY

1. TAILY

He loved her.

It was beyond all reason, he shouldn’t, he couldn’t, it was wrong.

But he did.

He loved the way her hair fell over her shoulders. How her brows furrowed when she was looking for the answer and how her eyes sparkled when she finally found it. He loved that she knew exactly what he was thinking, knew how to make everything better. He loved her, wanted her, needed her. But she wasn’t his to have.

Hermione had been dating Ron since fifth year. It killed him every time he saw them together. Smiling, happy, laughing, it shredded his heart into millions of pieces. His only escape was flying. He would forever circle the Quidditch grounds, loving the feeling of freedom. Suddenly he wasn’t The Boy Who Lived, but just an ordinary guy, doing something he loved.

“Harry?”

He sighed. No matter how much he loved the sound of her voice, sometimes it was just too much to hear it. He turned around to greet the lovely site before him. She smiled at him and his heart started pounding furiously in his chest making his breath come fast.

“Yes?”

“Ron and I are going to Hogsmeade for a while. Do you want to come with?”

Harry had long ago learned that the answer to this was always no. He disliked being the third wheel between his two friends. They were always kissing and giving each other secretive smiles that Harry was never and never would be a part of.

“No, that’s okay. You guys have fun.” She looked dubious for a moment and he forced himself to plaster a half-smile on his face.

“Ok, see ya later.” He nodded and turned back around to face the common room fire. He was angry at himself for being so cruel to his friends. They deserved happiness. They deserved each other. It wasn’t like they were trying to exclude him, they just sort of did. They would walk together to meals, forgetting that Harry was still in his room changing out of Quidditch clothing. Or they would walk around the lake by themselves, conveniently leaving Harry alone in the library. Harry was not quite the womanizer people thought he should be. He was often shy around them. The only woman he was almost completely open around was Hermione.

Hermione had actually had a few escapades of her own before Ron. She had dated, Seamus and Dean once, though not at the same time. Each time they broke up she locked herself in her room, crying and Harry’s heart would break in sympathy. He would comfort her, kiss her on the forehead and tell her everything would be ok. Holding her in his arms he assured her that if they couldn’t see how beautiful she was then they were missing out on something wonderful. She’d smile at him between tears and thank him for being such a wonderful friend.

Friend.

The word had never hurt so much. Being friends with Hermione had always been enough, until one day he turned around and realized that without her, his life had a gaping hole. And now it was May. Harry’s life at Hogwarts would soon be over. He would no longer have to remember which staircase moved when, and if the password was “lemon sherbert” or “hippogriff”. Although it encompassed many happy memories for him, Harry’s head was overwhelmed with thoughts of his two best friends.

It was ten o’clock by the time Hermione and Ron came back. He knew because he could hear their peals of laughter in the common room. Insomnia had often kept him up late and he wished that just this once he could fall asleep. He lay motionless for what seemed like hours. Nothing worked. He could still faintly hear Hogwarts’ most infamous couple whispering to each other. Putting a pillow over his head he breathed deeply, trying to forget how much his heart ached.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Hermione had noticed. She was a clever witch, that was widely known, but when it came to matters of the heart she sometimes took a while to understand what was going on. But not with Harry. She could see the sadness in his eyes. He was pining for someone, but who? It wasn’t Cho whom he had long ago abandoned himself from. Not Parvati, or Lavendar, or Hannah, or any of the other popular girls at school. She had attempted talking to him about it once, but he had blushed and turned away saying that it was nothing.

Everything with Ron was going well. Sometimes she felt that she was truly in love with him, that her heart was full of joy and happiness. Other days she found herself at the breaking point of their relationship. They had argued. They had fought. It had ended in tears. These were the days she holed herself up in the library till someone like Harry came along and managed to make her smile.

She had asked him if he had wanted to go to Hogsmeade, but he had said no as was usual. He had stopped coming with them in Sixth year, when they had officially come out as a couple. It may have looked odd to reporters, but she loved having her two boys, one on each arm, happily escorting her down the streets.

It wasn’t long before graduation came. Everyone was excited, Hermione perhaps most of all. She was to give a speech but was entirely nervous about it. Sitting on the overstuffed couch in the common room she sighed. What could she possible say? It was then that Harry walked down, looking as if he’d just awoken from a nap.

She smiled and said, “Hey Harry.” He gave her a crooked grin and sat down next to her, sinking slowly into the couch.

“What’re you doing?” he asked. She lowered her quill, knowing that sitting in this relaxing environment wasn’t helping.

“I’m trying to write a speech for graduation day. But I can’t think of anything!” To emphasize her point she thrust her piece of parchment at him. He read the first line,

‘It’s our last day at Hogwarts…’ He grinned as he looked at her,

“Is that it?” Seeing the mischievous look in his eye she playfully swatted him and said,

“Well Mr. Potter, do you have any BETTER ideas?” He laughed and said,

“Oh don’t worry so much Hermione. You’re going to do excellent. You always do,” she blushed at this, “just say what comes from your heart. Say what you believe, not what you’re always thinking.” He tapped her head and then hugged her, “No matter what you say, everyone will be too busy gaping at your wonderful dress robes.” She hit him again, laughing, and responded,

“Oh so they’ll be so busy looking at my dress they won’t hear me will they? Well then I guess this can go to the trash.” With that she threw the parchment over the couch and sighed again, closing her eyes and enjoying the feeling of sitting next to her best friend on her last week of Hogwarts. “I’m going to miss this place,” she said softly.

“Yeah, me too.” He responded. He was staring at her, trying not to make it obvious but failing miserably. Her cheeks had a slight blush and the light from the fire danced on her features making her appear even more beautiful then she had been moments earlier. He knew if he didn’t leave now he’d sweep her up in his arms and kiss her so reluctantly he said, “I better get going, I promised Nearly Headless Nick I’d take him up on his golfing offer.” She laughed and opened her eyes, and for a moment he was breathless.

“Ok, bye then.” He got off the couch and walked away as Hermione watched his retreating back. Just then her heart was so full then it seemed to be spilling over with tenderness for her best friend who had the entire world on his shoulders. He had defeated Voldemort, but who was there to make his sadness retreat?

---------

God he loved her.

He had to stop. Now. Right now.

Nope, wasn’t working. Damnit, he thought to himself. He barely heard the footfalls of Ron jogging up beside him.

“Hey Harry. What’s up?”

“Um, not much. Just going to meet up with Nearly Headless Nick. How about you?” Ron had a giant grin on his face as he answered,

“I’m going to see Hermione. I’ve got the best surprise for her.” Then he jogged off and Harry’s heart lurched. I’m going to be sick, he thought.

-----------

Ron was excited. For weeks he had been asking Hermione for the ultimate commitment. It appeared as though she finally would. He found her in the common room, lounging on the couch.

“Hey Smarty, what’re you doing?” She smiled with her eyes still closed and answered,

“Waiting for you.” He grinned and plopped himself down by her head. She opened her eyes and smiled at him.

“I have the biggest surprise for you.” He said, still grinning widely.

“What?”

“Guess.”

“Ron, just tell me.”

“Nu uh, you’re going to have to guess this time.”

“Ron I guessed last time.”

“Well guess again.”

“Fine. Are you taking me somewhere?”

“Nooooo,”

“Is it a gift?”

“Sort of.”

“Will I like it?”

“Yes. Hey, you’re supposed to be guessing, not getting clues.” She sighed, this was going nowhere.

“Just tell me Ron.”

“Ok, ok.” Out of his back pocket Ron pulled a faded piece of parchment. Hermione stared quizzically at him until he unfolded it and then she gasped. On it was a spell to avoid impregnation.

“Ron!” she exclaimed, unsure of what this was about.

“Shh,” he replied, “I got this so we could finally, you know…”

“No, I don’t know,” she said, becoming upset and angry.

“Well you never want to to…have sex…so I thought with this we could.”

“Ron! Getting pregnant isn’t the only reason I don’t want to have sex. I don’t think I’m ready. . .”

“Please,” Ron said, almost begging, “I love you. I want to do this with you.”

“If you loved me you wouldn’t push it.” She replied quickly.

“Well if you loved me you would!” He snapped at her. The mood had quickly grown dark. Her eyes flashed anger as she repeated,

“Ron, I don’t want to have sex with you and that’s final.”

“God!” he shouted, and then hissing at her he continued, “I went through all this work and you can’t even thank me?”

“Thank you?! I’m supposed to thank, you? I didn’t even want this in the first place!”

“Well can’t you at least indulge me?” Their shouts had become full blown roars. Hermione turned away, looking over her shoulder to say one last thing,

“Ron Weasley you are being so childish! Get over yourself?” Ron, for lack of a better comeback stated,

“Oh yeah? Well then…it’s over!” Hermione stopped in her tracks. What had he said?

“That’s right, you heard me. It’s over!” Hermione, still shaking, stomped up the stairs to her Head Girl room.

“The nerve!” she muttered to herself. Right now she felt no remorse, and was surprised that her heart still appeared to be intact after ‘breaking up’ with her boyfriend of two years. Was this how it was supposed to feel?

----------

Harry knew something was wrong the moment Ginny came rushing onto the quidditch field where Nearly Headless Nick was smashing Harry at golf. He turned to her as she blurted out,

“Hermione and Ron got in a fight! Hermione’s in her room crying…” She didn’t get to say much more because Harry was already off and running. He ran up the stairs two at a time and didn’t stop till he was in front of Hermione’s room, slightly winded. Knocking on the door he called,

“Hermione?”

“Go away,” was the answer from the inside.

“I can’t,” he replied, “please let me in. Ginny told me what happened.”

Slowly the door opened to reveal a sniffling Hermione. She held a tissue in one hand and her eyes were red. She had changed into a simple pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt.

“Oh Mione,” he said, his feelings coming back to him all in a rush. He enveloped her in his arms as she cried against his chest.

“I thought…I thought he loved me.”

“I’m so sorry,” he said softly, cradling her in his arms. He kissed the top of her head and sat with her until her sobs had become more like hiccups. He waited until she seemed to be calm and then said,

“Tomorrow you won’t even remember this. You’ll be with him, and it’ll all have been a bad dream.”

“No,” she said evenly, “It won’t. It’s over. We’re not together.” Harry’s heart contracted.

“What?”

“He said it, it’s over. I’m tired of the fights, the arguments. I’m just tired.” She tightened her hold around Harry and buried herself back into his shirt. Later she would say he smelled like fresh laundry and soap but for right now she was just content to be in her best friend’s arms. He held her till she became still, and then gently laid her on her bed and drew the covers up.

“Night Mione,” he whispered, “sweet dreams.” She made a small noise and rolled over. God, he thought to himself, she was a heartbreaker and she didn’t even know it.

--------------

Hermione looked at him again. Harry Potter. Her best friend. The sweetest guy in the world who had always made her days that much better. She was determined to find out who it was that he liked. She was a woman on a mission, and was going to find the answer.

------

“Harry?” He was laying on the couch, a pleasant smile on his face. She hated to wake him up, but dinner was soon anyway. Groggily he answered,

“Mione?” She smiled as he sat up and went over to sit next to him.

“Hey. I’ve got a question for you.”

“Oh no,” he groaned, “no more quizzing. NEWTS are already over. I really don’t want to think about it any…” She laughed and said,

“No, it’s not that. It’s just, who’s this girl you have a crush on? She must be really special if you like her that much.”

She is, he thought quietly to himself.

Outwardly he blushed, embarrassed that he didn’t have the nerve to tell her it was her. He had loved her for too long, been through too many heartbreaks to risk himself. He would’ve thrown himself in front of Voldemort for her, but could never tell her of his love.

I should, he thought again, today.

“Harry?” She waved a hand in front of his face. “Pleassseee.” She put on a pout and Harry found himself crumbling to her will.

He’d loved her since second year. The year he thought he would lose her he realized she was the most wonderful person he’d ever met. He was only 13. He didn’t know love. But he knew he couldn’t live without her, and that was enough. So barely audible he whispered,

“You.”

“What?” she asked, excited that he was finally going to tell her. He looked straight at her with those piercing green eyes of his and answered,

“You.” She drew in a breath and sat up. What was he saying? She felt dizzy as she realized her best friend was in love with her. It was crazy, madness, insane. She couldn’t. Did she?

----------

He thought he had known heartbreak. He thought he had known pain.

That was nothing compared to this.

It was as if his entire world had suddenly shattered. He couldn’t think, could barely speak. She didn’t love him. She didn’t want him.

“Why?” she suddenly asked, so softly he almost didn’t hear it. “Why didn’t you tell me?” The answer was so simple.

“I was afraid. I was afraid this would happen,” he made a small gesture with his hands, “And then,” he took a deep breath, “You chose him.” Him was more than obvious. It was Ron.

“Oh Harry, I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t tell you.” She sat there in stunned silence, staring at her best friend who had just revealed that he had fallen for her.

“I’m sorry.” She said in a rush and then ran out of the common room. She had nothing to be sorry for. It was all his fault. Suddenly he angry at himself. More so then ever before. Why did he have to go and do that? Why?

“Because I love her,” he said quietly to himself, “I love her.”

----------

(A/N: Feel like mood music? The part of the fic is best read while listening to ‘Don’t Push Love Away’ by The Juliana Theory)

He was in love with her? An odd yet wonderful sensation flooded through her. He loved her. Was she in love with him?

Graduation was the next day. She couldn’t deal with this. Calm down, she thought to herself, you can handle this. She could, and she would.

Neither of the two parties slept very well that night and the next day Hermione could be found cramming, trying desperately to memorize her graduation speech.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate the joyous ocassion of…” and suddenly she stopped.

Harry Potter had chosen to come to the library too and was currently sitting only two tables away with a book in front of him. She watched as he turned the page. For some reason she couldn’t tear her eyes away from him. The sunlight silhouetted his figure and she thought about how far he had come. How far they all had. He used to be a scrawny lost boy who needed a friend. He had seemingly magically transformed over the past seven years to turn into a confident man, one who had not only defeated Voldemort, but managed to have charmisa, wit, and a body to match. He was the world’s most eligible bachelor who had already given his heart away. Who was she to resist?

It was then that she realized she had been staring at him for a full twenty minutes. Shaking her head she went back to the book. It wasn’t long before she glanced up and this time HE was the one staring at her. She caught his eye and was transfixed by what she saw. It wasn’t hard to figure out.

She had broken up with Seamus, Dean, and now Ron because of one thing. She didn’t love them. But this…something was so overpowering that she couldn’t resist it. He looked away and she suddenly found herself with the urge to be close to him. She realized she couldn’t go through her life without settling whatever it was that was jumping around excitedly in her body. The need to run her hands through his hair, touch him again, just to know that he was there, like he always had been.

Oh Harry, she thought quietly to herself. She remembered his words, “You chose him.” She had hadn’t she? Spending all hours with Ron, and neglecting the very man she now found herself wanting to spend more and more time with.

Did she love him? ‘Go with what’s from your heart.’ Isn’t that what he had said. It was decided then.

--------

Graduation day came. Hermione’s speech was brilliant as usual. The teachers clapped, Ginny cried, and Malfoy looked disgusted which suited him best. Harry found himself with an insufferable sadness inside of himself. Molly Weasley came to hug the trio happily for even if her son was no longer dating Hermione, she believed there was still a chance for someone else…

“Harry?” He turned around. He knew the voice so well.

“Hi Mione.” She smiled at him. He really had no idea. She had fallen for him, and with this new awareness was happier than she ever had been. She took a step closer.

“Guess what?”

“Mione…”

“Just guess.”

“Fine,” he sighed. He was really in no mood for this, “are you taking me somewhere?”

“Possibly.”

“Possibly? What kind of an answer is that?”

“Just keep guessing Harry! For heaven’s sakes.” He couldn’t help but grin and continued,

“Is it a gift?”

“Could be considered one.”

“Is it…”

“I love you.” Harry stood there in stunned silence, unbelieving what he had just heard.

“But, I thought you said…and then there was…and I..” Suddenly Harry found he no longer had use of his mouth because someone was pressing their sweet lips up against his own. It took mere moments to comprehend it was Mione. Their mouths seemed fused together for what seemed like eternity. When they finally pulled back he stared at her in shock. Then a grin slowly pulled it’s away across his face.

“I can’t believe you made me guess!” After her initial surprise with this response, Hermione laughed.

“Are you going to punish me?” She asked with a hint of seduction in her tone.

“Maybe,” he answered mysteriously. Then grinning he said,

“But then again, I love you.”