1. Part One

Interruptions Written By: Emmablk1
This is just scary; I am able to have all four of the Marauders stuck in my mind. It's not very plesant sometimes...
You people better like this; I just spent half an hour fixing it to put it on fanfiction.net and astronomytower.org. READ AND REVIEW OR YOU WILL DIE B/C I AM IN A BAD MOOD B/C IT'S SO LATE!!

Sirius: The day started out innocently enough. James and I played a few jokes on the Sytherins at breakfast, Peter's cauldron blew up in potions (Again!), and we were anticipating the full moon in a couple of weeks. How was I to know that this would be the most important day of my life?

James: O.K, hold on.

Sirius: What? I'm telling the story right!

James: It was the most important day of my life too!

Remus: James, why do you always do this?

James: Do what?

Remus: Interrupt when Sirius is trying to tell the story.

Sirius: Thank you, Moony.

Peter: Hey! I was involved in it too!

Sirius: O.K! We can all tell the story!

James: Shhh! McGonagall's looking this way!

Sirius: Can I tell it now?

Peter: Only if we all get to tell a chapter.

Remus: Yeah! After all, it was the most important day of all of our lives.

Sirius: What are you talking about? You weren't even there; you were in the hospital wing!

Remus: I have my own little secrets.

Sirius: What? Oh, you mean...

Remus: Don't even think about it, Padfoot!

Sirius: Phooy.

Peter: Who's telling the first part?

Remus: What happened first?

Sirius: If you please, I believe I was telling the story.

James: But...

Sirius: No more interruptions!

Remus: I believe that I should be the one to tell it first.

James: Hey!

Sirius: No, wait! His story's more interesting, believe me!

James: Oh! I've got to hear this!

Remus: Sirius, whatever your sick mind is thinking, I'm not telling that story!

Sirius: Nooo! Oh well, I can always tell it later...

James: Yes!! Count me in!

Remus: Sigh Anyway...

Sirius was right; it was the most important day. But, as usual, he got some as the facts wrong.

Sirius: Hey!

James: Shh!

Remus: Thank you. The full moon was in a couple of days, not weeks. I was in the hospital wing, (of course) and was bouncing off the walls, jumping on the bed...

Sirius: Ah...now doesn't it feel good to get that off your chest?

James: Shut it! I want to hear the good part!

Peter: Me too!

Remus: Ahem. So...when this girl walks in. Beautiful red hair-

James: Hey!

Remus: Its ok, James. It wasn't Lily.

James: Just checking.

Remus: I stopped jumping and squatted on the bed. Her hair had me captivated. My eyes started following her automatically.

Peter: Oh no! You didn't...or anything?

Remus: No! I didn't bite her.

Sirius: Good, 'cause then we would have to let another girl into our group and you know how messy those orientations can be.

James: Yeah, Lily is still hurting from that.

Sirius: Sorry! We didn't mean to be so hard on her!

Remus: Guys!

James: ....

Sirius: ....

Remus: It took her a while to notice that someone was watching her. After that she started to get uncomfortable. She had her hand healed and quickly tried to get out. I was too quick. I was in front of her before she reached the door.
"What do you want?" she asked me, looking kind of scared.
"Hi! I'm Remus Lupin and I just wanted to talk to you. Did you ever notice how your hair shines in the wind? It's a really nice day today. Do you have a boyfriend? Neither do I. Have a boyfriend, I mean. That's a good thing. I don't have a girlfriend, either. How come your hand needed healing? Were you in DATDA? That's stands for Defense Against the Dark Arts, by the way. Not that you didn't already know that, or anything... " As I rambled on for at least another five minutes she became flustered and muttered something about going to Herbology.

James: Ok, imagine whatever Moony just said-

Sirius: Going ten times faster than the slug pace at which he wrote it.

Remus: Very funny.

Peter: So, what happened next?

Remus: Uh...the full moon came and went.

Sirius: With many Marauder adventures along the way.

James: Oh yeah! Sirius, do you remember that one prank we pulled that caused the dungeons to cave in...?

Sirius: That was classic! I'll always remember how Malfoy and Snape's face looked when they saw the Slytherin common room.

Remus: Uh...guys...this is my story.

Sirius: Sorry.

James: Sorry.

Remus: It was a few days before I finally saw her again. It was embarrassing to think about what I did, and meeting her again wasn't high on my list of things to do.

Peter: So, you saw her in the corridor and...

Remus: Actually, she came up to me. I was in the library. Alone, of course; I'm sure that none of the other marauders would even know where the library is.

James: What does that have to do with the story?

Remus: Nothing; I'm just making fun of Sirius.

Sirius: Huh?

Remus: "Well, I'm glad to see that you aren't hyper anymore." She sat down beside me at a table stacked full of books.
"Yeah...that's why I was...hospital wing...hyper, yeah." I stuttered. She smiled and raised an eyebrow.

Sirius: Heh, heh. Remus Lupin; Lady Killer.

Remus: "Wow. You've changed; now you can't string two sentences together!" she laughed and earned the disapproval of Madame Prince, the Librarian. We lowered our voices so that we wouldn't get kicked out.
"No, I can," I said, trying hard not to look at her. She was really making my head twirl. "I just don't feel that well right now." Maybe if I didn't look up, then her face wouldn't swarm before my eyes and I wouldn't pass out.
She looked concerned. "You do look a little pale," she gazed at my face. I felt a blush creep up onto my cheeks. Then she took a look at the books on the table. "What are you reading?" I showed the cover of the one I had lying open. "Oh my gosh! I love that book!"
"Really?" she nodded and started to read with me. "What's your name?" I asked after a few minutes of silent reading.
"Oh! I'm so sorry! I must seem like a total ditz! I mean, sitting here with you and reading for almost an hour, and not even telling you my name...I'm Virginia." I opened my mouth to tell her my name, but she stopped me. "I know who you are. Remus Lupin, right? You're a part of the infamous marauders." I smiled and nodded. "I like your smile." She said, suddenly blushing. She quickly grabbed a book off of the big stack and started reading it very fast.
"Um...your book's upside down," I said. Her blush deepened and she turned it back over. "and I don't think you're a ditz...You're too pretty." We both turned scarlet at this comment.

Peter: Awwww!

Sirius: That's so sweet! Not really.

Peter: Sirius!

James: Remus, if it took you that long to start a relationship, do you really think it's going to last?

Sirius: I wonder how long it will take them to start turning purple instead of just plain old red.

Remus: Shut up, you guys. That was a really important day for me. That was the day I met Virginia.

Sirius: Can I tell my story now?

Remus: I think its Prong's turn.

Peter: Yeah! Whatever happened between you and Lily?

James: Heh, heh. Well, I'll tell you...

Sirius: Ah, why don't I get to go?

Remus: We're not letting you go because you want to.

James: Haven't you figured that out by now?

Sirius: Grrr...

James: Ouch!

Sirius: Prongs! That was unnecessary!

Remus: C'mon! Get on with the story!

Peter: Yeah! I could be doing other...things.

Remus: Huh?

Peter: Nothing.

James: Ok, I'm ready. So, since Moony was in the hospital, we sort of separated for each his own way.

Sirius: Oh, yeah.

James: Boy, what a memory you have! Anyway, I decided to do something special for Lily.

Remus: Sweet!

Sirius: My story's better!

James: We'll get to it! So, I sorta kidnapped her from Gryffindor tower. You know, put a blindfold on her and lead her somewhere...

Sirius: Prongs! Naughty, naughty!

James: No! That's not what I meant!

Remus: I think you should slap him again.

Sirius: Ouch!

Remus: Padfoot! You're going to get us all into trouble!

James: Yeah! Binns is watching!

Sirius: Man, he looks like he's going to die at any moment!

James: Continuing...Lily was really excited, but a bit annoyed because I took her away from her "study group."

Sirius: Study? Please! All they do is giggle and talk about me.

Peter: How do they manage to get all their homework done, anyway?

Remus: Sirius, how do you know all they do is talk about you?

Sirius: Can't a guy eavesdrop?

James: Hey! They talk about me too!

Sirius: You mean Lily talks about you. The rest them are dedicated to me.

Remus: So humble, Padfoot.

Sirius: I know. Hey, Prongs, aren't you supposed to be telling some sort of story?

James: Oh, yeah!

Sirius: Boy! What a memory!

James: Hey! Don't steal my comebacks!

Remus: Guys! Guys!

James: But he-

Sirius: He started it-

Remus: I don't care! Prongs! Tell your story!

Peter: Way to go to be a peacemaker, Moony!

James: Ok! I'll just have to save what I have for Padfoot for later.

Sirius: What're you gonna do to me?

James: Wouldn't you like to know! So, I blindfolded Lily and started to take her to the fifth floor. Room of Requirement, you know.

Sirius: Yes, we know, James.

James: Don't test my patience! Well, anyway, when we got inside the room everything was just how I wanted it. I took Lily's blindfold off. She looked around the room, her face glowing. Then I saw her face fall, replaced by a frown. She hadn't even noticed the table with a tiny black box on it.
"What are you playing at?" she said, narrowing her eyes at me dangerously. I moved over to the table, feeling her eyes on me while I was walking.
"What do you mean?" I stared hard at the table, not daring to look into her eyes. I knew that they would be a raging green fire.
"You just decided to kidnap me from Gryffindor tower and take me to a room with no point, totally ignoring the fact that I was deep into my study group?"
"Study group? What do you do, study all the ways that Sirius can make you swoon?"

Sirius: Prongs! You didn't!

James: It slipped out! You know I can't control my mouth!

Remus: Yes, we know that very well, James.

James: "JAMES CHRISTOPHER POTTER!" I winced at the middle name. "WHAT did you just say?!" "Gulp! That you're a very lovely person who would never, ever get mad at her loving boyfriend, who was just trying to surprise her by asking her to marry him?" "James, your flattery isn't-" she stopped as the rest of my words hit her. "What did you just say?" "You're a very lovely person?" I asked, confused. "No," "Um...you would never get mad at your loving boyfriend?" "No! The part after that!" "Oh! I'm just trying to ask you to marry me?" "You are?" she raised her eyebrows in surprise. "I am? I mean, yes, I am!" Quickly I grabbed the little black box off the table and threw it at her. She caught it and opened it reluctantly.

Peter: What was inside?

Sirius: Well, let's see...he's asking her to marry him...they're in a secluded place...he loves her...hopefully she loves him...

James: Hey! I know she loves me! It's so obvious.

Sirius: Riiiiight. coughnotreallycough

James: Hey!

Sirius: I would think that there would be some sort of ring inside, right?

Peter: A mood ring?

Sirius: Sure, why not?

Remus: Hey, James, was he dropped on the head as a baby?

James: I don't know, check for scar wounds.

Peter: Hey! Get away from my hair!

James: Just be glad that you're not as obsessed with your hair as Sirius is.

Sirius: Very Funny.

James: I thought so. Anyway, on with my brilliant, exceptional, inspired, and any other synonym that fits with those words, story.

Lily: Gee, got a blotted head much? You know, this is one reason why at first I wouldn't go out with you.

Sirius: Lily! How are you my darling?

Lily: Hey, Sirius. And don't call me darling. Only James can do that.

Peter: Awwww! How sweet!

James: Umm, you know what; I don't think that I want to finish the story after all.

Lily: Why? What were you saying that had to stop whenever I came into the little circle of friends here? And by the way, you're not going to get away with writing during potions. You barley got away with it during charms.

James: We did too! And it's nothing! Sirius you can start to tell your story now.

Sirius: Yea!

Lily: Hold on!

Sirius: No!

Lily: You wouldn't have been happening to tell the story about when you first asked me to marry you, would you?

James: Umm, no?

Sirius: First? You know, this might be really interesting. I wonder why you've stopped telling the story, Prongs.

Remus: That might be because the answer might not be what he wanted it to be.

Sirius: Hmm...

Peter: Hmm...

Lily: Well, that's part of it...

James: Lily!!

Lily: What? You know, if you won't tell the rest, then I will.

James: No!

Lily: So, where was he?

Remus: Well, you had just opened the box.

Lily: Oh yeah. Just between you and me that rock didn't look very real, either.

Sirius: No! James how could you?

James: Just like a woman.

Lily: James!

James: Ouch!

Lily: That's it, I'm not talking anymore.

James: Finally! It took you long enough; I'll get to tell the story now!
Lily: Let me rephrase that. I'm not talking to you anymore.

James: Same diff.

Lily: Grrr!

Sirius: Alright! Lover's spat! These are fun to watch. Who wants to start the betting on who starts to bleed first?

Remus: James, will you please just tell the story and beg for Lily's forgiveness later?

Lily: Fine! See if I care!

James: Lily...

Remus: Just tell the story!!

James: She opened the box and took a glance inside. Not a very long glance, as she snapped the lid shut rather quickly.
"Did you even look at the rin...what's inside?" I stopped myself before I told her the inside of the box. Lily turned her head away from me and looked as if she was about to cry, but was holding it back.
"I already know what's inside, thank you very much." She said coldly. I was taken aback. Is this how girls were supposed to act when accepting marriage proposals? I didn't think so.

Lily: I'll have you know that I had a very good reason to be mad.

Peter: And what was that?

Lily: Just listen and you'll find out.

James: "James," she looked up at me and I saw tears forming in her eyes. "I really wish that you hadn't asked me now."
"Why?" I started toward her, but she backed away farther from me. "What happened?"
"I can't marry you." A tear fell down her check.
"WHYEVER NOT?!" she flinched and dropped the box on the floor. "I mean...Lily..." she swiftly turned away and ran out the door into the corridor. By the time I rushed to the door and looked for her, she had completely disappeared.

Remus: I'm confused. How come if Lily rejected your proposal, you two are still madly in love and are engaged to be married?

Lily: Remember I said that this was the first time that he asked me?

Sirius: No! You had to ask her twice? That's hilarious!

Lily: Actually it was three times.

Sirius: I think my guts might fall out from laughing so hard.

James: Grrr!

Sirius: Now, James, think about it before you- OUCH!!

James: That's better.

Peter: Guys, this is a highly emotional scene and you are making fun of it.

Sirius: Well, you've got to admit it is really funny.

Remus: Duh!

Lily: James, I think that it is time for me to tell the story, as all you did was go sulk.

James: Ok, but don't you dare reveal any other embarrassing secrets!

Sirius: Ooh! There are others?

Lily: Don't worry, I wouldn't dream of it.

James: Why are you winking so I can't see you?

Lily: So, I ran off back to the Gryffindor common room. Jessie, Katie, and Lara were still sitting at the table and 'talking.'

Sirius: About me, perchance?

Lily: James! You told them!

Remus: Actually, Sirius has been spying.

Lily: Again?

Sirius: Guilty as charged.

Lily: Of course, being my best friends, they immediately noticed that I was crying. They raced over to me as I started to sob and fell in a chair.
"He didn't..." Jessie said, not finishing her thought when I nodded my head yes.
"I'm so sorry!" Lara started crying too and tried to comfort me, but ended up getting me even wetter than I already was from crying.

James: What's the deal with the fact that they are always against me?

Lily: Its ok, I still love you.

Peter: Awwww!

Lily: But not at the moment.
"I knew this was going to happen. We're really sorry that you can't accept his offer, Lil." Katie surveyed my tears with a sad look in her eyes.
"Why did you have to-" I sputtered, but was cut off whenever the portrait hole opened and Sirius came in.

Sirius: Oh! So that's what was going on whenever I came in!

Lily: YEAH! Of course whenever he walked in, all hopes of comforting me went right out the window. All three of them rushed right to his side and stayed glued there for the rest of the evening.

Sirius: That was so much fun, too.

Lily: Ugh! Please don't tell me what goes on in that little foursome, thank you.

Sirius: Fine, but you're missing out!

James: I'll take it from here.

Lily eventually disappeared from the common room and the dorms.

Peter: You looked really hard?

James: Yeah, I even got a girl to go up to the dorms and check and see if she was up there, still crying.

Lily: I wasn't!

James: I know! I found her out by the lake, on her favorite rock to sit on to watch the sunrise. At least she wasn't crying anymore. I could still see the lines on her face where the tears had run.
"Look, I'm sorry if I offended you, but-" I started. She turned around and smiled a little.
"It's not your fault. You see...well, it's kind of hard to explain, but..." she trailed off and left me more confused than ever. "Ok. I'm better now." I sat down next to her in the grass. "One day, in the library, my friends and I were trailing around, trying to find something good to look at. Suddenly Jessie called out from around the corner, saying she had found a book of different charms. While we were looking at it, we all decided to put one charm on each of us, just for fun. That was probably a really stupid thing to do, now that I look back on it."
"Probably." I said, smirking.
"Hey." She narrowed her eyes at me and hit me playfully. We laughed and it seemed like my blunder had never happened.
"Jessie, Katie, and Lara were all put under charms that weren't permanent, but, because we neglected to read enough about one charm I was put under a permanent charm."
"So," I said, not really getting the picture, "what was it, unending nose hair?" Lily looked sad.
"We thought of it as a joke. After all, if it wasn't permanent what were the odds that I'd get married any time soon? Unfortunately, it's lasted throughout my fourth through seventh years."
"What is it?"
"Every month I...well, I turn into something."
"Like what? A werewolf?" A ripple of fear cursed through me, scared that I'd have to go through everything Remus goes through twice instead of just once every month.

Remus: Gee, thanks.

James: "No! It's not that. I just...turn into a different animal every third of the month."
"That doesn't sound so bad."
"When you turn into ten different kinds of wolves in one night it is."
"Well, what about the problem with marriage?" I said, confused how it could apply to us.

Sirius: Boy, are you thick.

James: Shut up!
"That is the problem. I eat everything in sight...including humans. I can't be near anyone, but...It's confusing."
"Some friends! What kind of curses did they get?"
"I told you! We thought it was all just a huge joke. We never really thought that it would affect me forever."
"Wait!" I jumped up and took her face in my hands, suddenly very excited, "If it was a charm than there has to be a counter-curse!"
"I already thought about that." She shook her head.
"Did you look it up in the book and check if it was really permanent or not?"
"Well, that's the thing. Ever since we used that book it has vanished from the library. We've tried on several occasions to find it, but..."

Sirius: Tough luck! Oh, well, I guess your story's over now. Time for mine!

Lily: Sirius...shut up.

Sirius: Ouch, you bruised my ego.

Lily: Good. That's what I was aiming for.

James: I suddenly jumped up and made a pose. "I think I have an idea!" I got down on one knee and started to ask her to marry me again.
"James, I told you, I can't-" Before she could say anything else, I pressed my lips to hers, cutting her off. Instantly, we felt a warm, sensational feeling flood throughout our bodies.
"Was that what I think it was?" Lily reached up and played with my hair without thinking. I smiled and kissed her again.

Actually, that wasn't what we thought it was, but we'll work that out later on.

Remus: Wow! That certainly beats my story! You asked the girl of your dreams to marry you, foiled a charm that kept the girl of your dreams from marrying you, and still got to kiss the girl of your dreams at the end!

James: Yep. I love you.

Remus: Me?

Sirius: I knew it.

Lily: No, stupid! Me! His girlfriend!

Sirius: Oh, right.

Lily: Jealous, perhaps?

Sirius: You wish.

Peter: Hey, James, that never really happened, did it?

James: ...

Lily: ...

James: Of course it did! CoughnotCough

Sirius: Good! 'Cause I was beginning to worry about Lil there for a second.

James: Hey what about me?

Sirius: Who?

James: Don't toy with me!

Remus: Hey, where's Peter going?

James: Huh?

Sirius:NO! WORMTAIL! HE WAS TOO YOUNG! WAY TOO YOUNG! Cries

James: Hey! You've pulled that before and it still doesn't work.

Sirius: Oh, darn.

Remus: Where could he be going?

James: ...

Sirius: ...

Remus: Never mind.

Lily: Well, it couldn't be a girl; we know that much.

Sirius: I know! It could be to see his 'master', the dark Lord, Voldymort, and to comfort him in his time of distress. Maybe Wormtail is really, inside, planning to betray and kill us all by using the unforgivable curses. Maybe, just maybe, he'll cut off his finger and blame one of us for killing twelve people. AND, maybe James and Lily will have a son that will overthrow Voldymort and-
James: Please. You and your stories.

Lily: Sirius, don't even kid around like that. I can't even believe that you would joke around with the Dark Lord's name.

Remus: I can't believe that he would think you two would have a son.

James: Gulp.

Lily: No, we're gonna have a daughter.

Remus: Wow, James, you've got your work cut out for you; she's probably already picked out your kid's names.

James: Whatever we name them, one of them is Rufus.

Lily: WHAT? RUFUS?! What kind of a name is that?!

Sirius: Hey! Does this mean I get to tell my story now?

James: Sigh. Ok, fine. Get it over with already.

Sirius: Ok. Do you guys remember Meredith?

Lily: Eck. Yes, unfortunately.

Remus: Do you mean the girl you met in the common room that night and started making out with her five minutes after you had just started talking to her?

James: Actually it was two minutes. I counted. It was a new record.
Sirius: What, do you time how long it takes for me to start making out with a girl now?

James: Yes...do you have a problem with that?

Sirius: No, I was just checking. By the way, how long did it take when I met Raven?

James: Are you still hung up on her?

Sirius: So, what if I am?

James: Whoa! No beating up of the Potter! I mean it now! SIRIUS! BACK AWAY FROM ME! I'M WARNING YOU! YOU BETTER WATCH OUT FOR MY HORNS WHEN I TRANSFORM!

Sirius: Who cares? I'll bite your leg off!! Who's got barbeque sauce?

James: Yeah, right! Not if I throw you across the room first!

Remus: GUYS! SETTLE! Anyway, Lily, do you have some sort of grudge against Meredith? What'd she do to you?

Lily: Well, let's just say that she and I don't agree on some things. SIRIUS! Step around from James now!

Sirius: Okay, okay! Hey, do you and Meredith not like each other or something?

Remus: Can't you learn to listen?

James: Oooh! I smell a cat fight!

Sirius: Between me and Remus or between Lily and Meredith?

James: Who do you think?

Sirius: How much do you want to bet on Lily?

James: Oh, I don't know...10 galleons...?

Sirius: Only ten?! You can afford more than that, James!

Lily: Sigh. Boys...

Sirius: ...are charming?

Lily: Not exactly what I was thinking.

Sirius: Oh well. I guess I can only read James' mind. Unfortunately.

James: Yeah? What am I thinking about right now?

Sirius: I don't think I want to know.

Remus: So...Meredith...

Sirius: Well, to make a short story short, she was my rebound girl after Raven mysteriously disappeared.

Lily: That's all she is to you? A rebound girl?!

James: Raven disappeared? Since when?

Sirius: You really need to work on paying attention to other people besides yourself sometime, James.

Lily: You've spent practically every day together with Meredith since the day that Raven didn't show up for dinner, and all she is to you is a rebound girl?! THAT'S SICK!!

James: What? That I only pay attention to myself? I thought you already figured that out...

Lily: No! I'm talking about Sirius!

Sirius: Well, of course that's not all she means to me. After all, she was a big part of the most important day of my life.

James: Lily...please stop banging your head against the table. You'll get a bruise.

Lily: I already have one, thank you.

Remus: What's the point of your most important day, anyway?

Sirius: .....

Remus: Padfoot?

Sirius: Hold on, I'm thinking!

Lily: Wow. That's a first.

James: Hey! You stole my comeback!

Lily: Tough luck.

James: Comeback stealer.

Lily: Oooh! Real witty, James!

Sirius: Hmmm...I don't think that my story really has a point. I think that I was bugging you to let me tell the story just so I could bug you.

Lily: Oh. My. Gosh. That is the most serious thing I have ever heard come out of Sirius' mouth.

Remus: Incredible. I wonder if it'll ever happen again?

Sirius: Hey, guys! Have I shown you what my stomach can do?

Lily: .....

James: .....

Remus: .....

James: Nah. I think that's the last time that'll ever happen.

Sirius: It can talk!

Lily: That's it. I'm leaving Sirius to his juvenile abilities.

Remus: Me too.

Sirius: FEED ME! See! I told you it could talk! Hey?! Where are you going?

James: Sirius...forget it; I'm not even going to try.

Sirius: COME BACK! Um...anyone?

The End

Emmablk1: That's it... It's done... Finally... Yup... You can close the book now! End of the paper, people!

Huh?

Oh, thank goodness! Remus wants to say something.

Remus:
I just have one question.

James:
What?

Remus:
Did any of these stories actually happen on the same day?

Sirius:
.....

James:
.....

Sirius:
What's for lunch?

Emmablk1:
That's it. My writing career has gone out the window.

Sirius:
Hm...I wonder if she had a writing career to begin with?

Emmablk1:
Sirius!

Hang on, I've got to go kill him now.

5 minutes later

James: If you were wondering, she didn't really kill him because I'm gonna kill
him later.

Remus:
Yawn is it over yet?

Emmablk1:
Sorry. It's 10:00 at night and I had caffeine.

Sirius:
Definitely not a good combination.

OWWWW! Okay, that one hurt!

Emmablk1:
Sush you big baby! I'm trying to end my fanf-

Emmablk1: January 18, 2004

It should be taken into consideration that no characters were harmed
during the writing of this fic, though Siri has several really bad
bruises.

And...although I would like to say that Sirius and Remus are all mine and no one else's...they aren't and neither are any of the other people in this Fic except for Virginia, Meredith and all of Lily's friends because I randomly picked names that popped into my head. Anyway, mostly all the characters
belong to J.k rowling, no matter what my brain might try to tell me at
night whenever it is turned off.

3. Part 3

Ok, this was a little longer than i expected it would turn out to be...it's about 35 pages instead of the regular 30...but that's ok, right? b/c you wanted more, right? all i have to say is...REVIEW OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH!! but i'll still love you while i'm doing it, because you at least read it...

Ron

Why do they insist on loading us down with homework so that the only way that we can take it back to the common room is to make three trips to each class?

Hermione

Calm down, Ron. It wasn’t that much.

Harry

Says little Miss Genius over here...

Hermione

Ha, ha. Really. All we have to do is three inches for McGonagall, two for Binns, and one for charms. It really isn’t that hard.

Ron

You’re forgetting to mention the other homework that we haven’t turned in yet.

Hermione

You mean you and Harry haven’t turned it in yet. I’ve handed in all my parchments.

Harry

Yes. Thank you for reminding us.

Hermione

Hmmm...look, if you really have that much to do, then you’re going to need some more parchment.

Harry

I’ve run out.

Ron

Me too.

Hermione

You really need to buy some more next time we’re at Hogsmeade.

Ron

Can’t. Spent it all at Zonko’s.

Hermione

Why am I not surprised?

Harry

Because we do this every time we go to Hogsmeade. What makes you think that last time was any different?

Hermione

Sigh. I didn’t.

Ron

Well, Miss Prissy Perfect, do you have any more parchment that we can use?

Hermione

As a matter of fact, I do...somewhere.

Harry

Ron, it’s a miracle...Hermione might not actually know what something is!

Ron

We better document this moment for future reference.

Harry

Let’s see...October 6...what were her exact words again?

Ron

Uh...sorry-I have a bad short term memory. Much like Hermione, I expect.

Hermione

That isn’t documenting-that’s blackmail!!

Ron

Exactly.

Hermione

Very funny, boys.

Harry

We crack ourselves up sometimes.

Hermione

I’ll be right back.

Harry

Why are Fred and George huddled in the corner surrounded by five people?

Ron

They’re hiding from Hermione.

Harry

I knew that, but what are they doing?

Ron

I don’t think we want to know. It’s something to do with...uh...Gender changing something...and Malfoy...

Harry

Now I really want to know.

Ron

Or maybe I’m wrong.

Harry

Let’s just hope that they did something despicable to Malfoy.

Ron

Wow. That’s the biggest word I’ve ever heard you say. And that time when you spoke in snake tongue doesn’t count.

Harry

What could be taking Hermione this long?

Ron

I don’t know. Maybe she has her boyfriend stuck up there or something.

Harry

Ron...how many times do I have to tell you that Hermione doesn’t have a boyfriend?

Ron

Yes she does! I know it in my guts!

Harry

Yeah, well, your guts are all squished inside that pudgy body of yours.

Ron

Hey! It’s not that pudgy.

Harry

All I’m saying is to lay off the chocolate for a while, Ron.

Ron

But it’s almost Halloween!

Harry

Not for three more weeks.

Ron

So what?

Harry

If you want Hermione to like you, then you need to...be nicer. And maybe loose a little weight.

Ron

Since when are you an expert on relationships, Harry?

Harry

Look, just listen to me about Hermione-

Hermione

What about me?

Ron

Nothing.

Harry

Nothing.

Hermione

Hmm...

Ron

Don’t narrow your eyes at me; Harry’s the one who said your name!

Hermione

Right. Well, anyways, I found some rather old pieces of parchment, but they’re parchment nonetheless.

Harry

Think that it could get any more battered?

Ron

Hey, there’s writing on this!

Hermione

No there’s not.

Ron

Then what are these squiggly letters that look like writing, Hermione?

Hermione

Well, what else would they be?

Harry

It looks like a whole huge set of notes.

Ron

There’s writing on every page!

Harry

Where did you find these?

Hermione

I don’t know. They were just placed somewhere beneath the windowsill.

Ron

And why were you looking there, Hermione?

Harry

Ron, I think that look means that your body is going to be cut up and buried underneath the Quiddich field.

Ron

So...uh...what do the notes say?

Hermione

Harry! That handwriting looks exactly like yours!

Ron

I wonder why.

Harry

That’s because it’s my father’s.

Ron

Huh?

Hermione

What do you mean?

Ron

How would you know that?

Harry

Well, for one, he writes just like I do.

Ron

True.

Hermione

Are you two even reading what they wrote?

Ron

Uh...

Hermione

I’ll take that as a no.

Harry

Why? What’d they write?

Hermione

Well, take a look...

Ron

Oh. My. Bloody-

Hermione

Ron! Don’t swear!

Ron

Oh, like you’ve never done it!

Harry

There’s pages and pages of just Sirius and James bantering.

Ron

Wow, there’s some really snappy comebacks on here.

Harry

Should we read it?

Ron

I don’t see why not.

Hermione

I do.

Ron

Huh?

Hermione

It’s their private things! Obviously Lily was in my dorm when she went here and she hid it for some reason.

Ron

Maybe she thought Harry was going to be a girl and he would find it later. In which case, he would be reading it anyway.

Hermione

You’re just trying to justify the fact that you want to read it.

Ron

Uh...yeah...so?

Hermione

Sigh. Fine, we can read it.

Ron

Ok. Harry?

Hermione

Harry?

Harry

Huh? Oh, sorry...I was reading. Besides, I usually tune you two out whenever you have your ‘lover’s spats.’

Ron

Hey!

Hermione

I don’t know what to be insulted for first!

Ron

They’re NOT lover’s spats!

Harry

Just hurry up and read it...

(Twenty somewhat years ago...)

James

I. hate. School. I. hate. School. I. hate. School. I. hate. School. I. hat-

Peter

Uh...James...what are you doing?

James

I’m venting. What does it look like I’m doing, Peter?

Sirius

Ouch. Watch out...James is on a rampage today.

James

Shut up Sirius.

Remus

What’s making you so testy, Prongs?

James

Does everybody have to be in my business?!

Remus

Sirius

Peter

James

Well?! Do you?!

Peter

Uh...yes...no...I mean...yes...no...

Sirius

Just don’t say anything; it makes the time pass quicker.

Remus

Where’s Lily?

James

DON’T ASK THAT!!

Remus

O...k...I wasn’t expecting that...

Sirius

Half my face is now covered in your spit, James. I hope you’re happy.

James

Happy?! HAPPY?! How could I be HAPPY?!

Peter

Uh...by smiling?

Remus

Shh...don’t push it, Wormtail.

Sirius

Did you two have another fight again?

James

Sirius

I’ll take that as a yes.

Remus

So wouldn’t the correct thing to say be ‘I. hate. Lily.’ a hundred times over?

Peter

But he’s in love with her...how could he hate her?

Sirius

Someone please explain the meaning of the universe to Wormtail...

Sirius

So what was the argument about this time?

James

...I can’t tell you...

Sirius

Alrighty then...we’ll just have to make it into a guessing game.

Remus

No! Don’t you remember the last time that we played a guessing game?!

Sirius

Uh...no, because we’ve never done that before.

Remus

Oh. I could have sworn that we had done everything and they had all ended in failure.

Sirius

Hey, not everything I do ends up as failure!

James

Really? What about how you ‘conveniently’ left out the parchment and let Lily and Virginia see it?

Sirius

Oh, sure. Blame it on the dog.

James

Thanks, I think I will.

Remus

So...was that what the big fight with Lily was about?

James

Well, let’s just say that a certain dog left the parchment out and that a certain girlfriend and her best friend read it and that a certain boy with the name of Prongs got blamed for it.

Sirius

Oh. That.

James

And, let’s just say that Lily and Virginia now know the meaning of P.R.O.N.G.S.

Sirius

Presumably Really Obstinate and Never Gets over mistakeS?

James

Suuure...and you’re S.T.U.P.I.D.

Remus

That should take him a while to figure out.

James

Will not.

Remus

Bet you twenty galleons.

James

You’re on!

Peter

Ummm...what do those letters spell?

James

Remus

James! Stop beating your head against the wall; it causes permanent brain damage!!

Sirius

To what brain?

James

He’s. So. Dumb...Why have we failed to teach him anything?!

Remus

James, I don’t think we taught him how to read.

James

He knows how to read?

Remus

Sirius

Hey!! You called me stupid!!

Remus

Told you.

James

Sigh.

Remus

Pay up.

James

I always give him more brain cells than what he actually has. I need to learn to stop doing that...he’s loosing me money...

Sirius

You guys were betting on me?!

Remus

No...of course not...

James

Don’t wink at me like that.

Peter

Uh...Prongs?

James

What is it now, Peter? Do you want to me to teach you to spell?

Peter

Ha, ha. Look.

James

Remus

Uh oh...

James

Sirius...I wouldn’t normally ask you to do this, but...hide me.

Sirius

Hey! Get off me!! I don’t fly that way!

Peter

Really?

Sirius

I’m NOT GAY!

Lily

That’s a horrid fact to know, considering that my arch rival is dating you...

Remus

Still? Hasn’t she given up on him yet?

Sirius

Lily, m’dear! How lovely to see you...here...of all places...

James

Check it out-you can actually see the sweat beginning to form on the back of his neck...

Peter

Uh...James...I think that glare means that you’re gonna get a wedgie sometime soon...

James

Eh...you can’t win them all...

Sirius

Uh...I would run if I were you, Boo Boo Bear.

James

SIRIUS! I thought I told you never call me that again!

Sirius

Oh, stop whining.

Lily

James Potter.

James

Lily...Lily Evans...how lovely to see you again...and so soon...

Lily

Yes, well...I...thought you might...

Remus

Hint, hint, James...

James

Me too.

Lily

You too what?

James

I would like an apology, too.

Lily

Excuse me?

James

Remus, wasn’t that the right thing to say?

Remus

Let me put it this way...no.

Lily

If anything, Mister Potter, I’m the one who should have the apology given to!

Sirius

Do any of you know what it was that she just said?

(And back to Harry, Ron, and Hermione...)

Ron

I give up- this is too confusing...

Harry

How is it confusing?!

Ron

It just is!

Hermione

Actually, it’s really quite simple.

Ron

And again, I present to you, Little-Miss-Know-It-All...

Harry

Uh, oh...she’s giving you that look again...

Ron

Ignore it and maybe the person giving it will go away.

Harry

Ouch.

Hermione

Ron! What’s the matter with you?!

Ron

What do you mean, what’s the matter with me?!

Hermione

You’re being so...so...

Harry

S.T.U.P.I.D.?

Hermione

Well, not exactly, but...

Harry

Basically, yes.

Hermione

I just don’t understand what’s going on with you! It’s like you’re having mood swings, for heaven’s sake!

Ron

Well, maybe it’s because of you’re little boyfriend!

Hermione

Harry

For the record, I didn’t tell him anything.

Hermione

My...my...boy...friend?

Ron

That’s right. You heard me.

Hermione

You mean a friend that’s a boy, right?

Ron

Interpret it as you will. I’m leaving.

Harry

Ron, where are you going?

Ron

I don’t know.

Harry

Ron? Ron!

Hermione

Boys. They’re nothing but trouble.

Harry

Hmm...let’s just hope he takes a good jump into the lake.

Hermione

Imagine him! Saying that I have a...a...

Harry

Boyfriend?

Hermione

Harry

Well, you kinda do.

Hermione

What?!

Harry

No! Don’t take it that way!! I meant that RON was your kind of boyfriend!

Hermione

R...on?

Harry

Don’t look so surprised. I can hardly sit by you two anymore because of your incessant flirting, you fight over the smallest little details, from the color of the robes in our uniform, to how large Hagrid’s house is...if any of that isn’t flirting, then I don’t know what is...

Hermione

You mean like the time when he stole my slippers?

Harry

That would be flirting.

Hermione

And when I took revenge on him and made all his quills write in sparkly pink?

Harry

Uh...I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count.

Hermione

That’s all...oh.

Harry

I always knew you were a bright witch, Hermione.

Hermione

Harry

Hermione...your face is as bright as Ron’s hair...

Hermione

I have to go...

Harry

Hehehehe...

Harry

Well, this is stupid, I’m not going to sit here and talk to myself...

(You’re going to kill me for going back and forth, aren’t you?)

Remus

Sigh.

Peter

Huh? What’s the matter, Moony?

Remus

Nothing.

James

Oh, right. Because in your world, nothing means that you can’t eat, sleep, having any fun of any kind, crack jokes, or blink.

Remus

James

We know something’s up.

Sirius

And to save you a lot of pain and silence, why don’t you just tell us what happened.

Remus

Virginia knows about me being a...you know.

Sirius

A werewolf? I think we already figured that one out.

James

Did she...

Remus

Yeah...

Sirius

She did what?

James

Sigh.

Sirius

OUCH!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!

James

She broke up with him, you idiot!

Sirius

Oh...OH!

James

He’s cursed...I’m telling you people that he’s cursed...

Remus

Me or Sirius?

James

Sirius.

Peter

Cursed with what, exactly?

James

The incompetent brain syndrome.

Peter

Uh...and that means...

James

That he’s a moron.

Remus

Hmmm...

Peter

Hmmm...

James

Hmmm...

Remus

You know what? That makes a lot of sense now...

James

Told ya.

Sirius

Whaf mafes a fot of fense fow?

James

Sirius, what are you eating and where did it come from?

Sirius

I gof if from-

Lily

EEH! Swallow first!!

Sirius

Soffy...

James

LILY!!!

Lily

James...please...let...go...you’re...cho...keing...me...

James

Sorry.

Peter

Hi, Lily!

Lily

Hey, Peter, I haven’t seen you around that much...

Peter

Uh...duties...you know...it calls...

James

Yeah, almost as much as Sirius spits when chewing...

Lily

Remus, I came to see if you were ok.

Remus

Sirius

He’s not talking anymore. We count it as a blessing.

Lily

Sirius!

Sirius

OUCH! Sorry.

Remus

You know...I think that I might just go up to the dorm and lay down...

James

Are you sure you’re ok?

Remus

James

Never mind.

Sirius

Now if we could only make Peter go away so quickly...

Peter

Hey!

Sirius

Just joking...James, make a mental note to somehow get Peter to be away as long as he was last time when we wrote notes in class...

James

You got it.

Lily

That’s mean!

James

What’s mean?

Lily

What you’re doing to Peter!

James

I don’t see it as mean...I see it as...

Sirius

Healthy.

James

Yeah! Healthy for Peter...

Peter

Nice save.

James

Thank you.

Peter

You’re quite welcome.

Lily

Aren’t we a little off subject?

Sirius

Was there ever a subject?

James

You know, I’m not quite sure...how long ago did we start to write note in class?

Peter

Uh...first minute of the first hour of the first day of the first year.

Sirius

That’s oddly specific.

James

So...that would make...a little over 300 pages of notes, back and front?

Lily

You counted?!

Sirius

Yeah, that sounds about right...

Lily

Are you three even listening to me?

James

Hand me those old notes.

Sirius

Hmmm...forgery...

Peter

Blackmailing...

Virginia

Huh?

Lily

Don’t ask...

Peter

Uh...why were we talking about dying our hair bright yellow in second year?

James

Because we were stupid.

Sirius

But, James...we’re stupid now.

Virginia

What are they doing?

Lily

VIRGINIA!! HELP ME KILL THEM!!

Virginia

Are they ignoring you again?

Lily

Virginia

I’ll take that as a yes.

Lily

I just don’t understand men...

Virginia

I know! One day you’re totally and completely in love with one and then the next you learn that he’s keeping secrets from you, like him being a...a...

Lily

A werewolf?

Virginia

...yeah...

(Now where did Harry, Ron, and Hermione get to...?)

Ron

Sweetie, I-

Hermione

What?

Harry

Sweetie?

Ron

Huh? What are you two going on about?

Harry

You just called Hermione “Sweetie”

Ron

Yeah, so?

Hermione

Does this mean that I get to call you “sugar-pie-honeybun” now?

Ron

NO!

Hermione

That’s not fair, then!

Ron

Harry, help me...

Harry

Hey, you were the one who called her sweetie...

Ron

But that’s because I’m stupid and a red-head...

Harry

Well, so is Ginny, but you don’t see her complaining about being stupid.

Ginny

I think I’ll choose to ignore that.

Hermione

Whoa! Where did you come from?

Ginny

That one time that I actually join in on you three’s unsocial conversations and I come to find out that all you do is spite me...

Harry

No! That’s not how it was supposed to come out!

Ron

Sure, Harry...go suck up to her and make her fall in love with you more.

Ginny

Hey! I don’t love him! Well, not like that anyway...

Ron

Oh, sure...that’s why you have every newspaper clipping of him from every article ever written in Witch Weekly, the Quibbler, and various other newspapers all on your wall.

Ginny

I do not!

Hermione

Aren’t we drifting a bit off?

Ron

Not to mention all the posters that you created of him that you have up there too!

Ginny

Stop it!! You’re wrong!!

Harry

Uh...

Hermione

RON! You’re making her cry!!

Ron

Ginny...I’m sorry...

Ginny

I have to go...

Hermione

Look what you did!

Harry

Personally, I don’t really mind.

Hermione

Harry!

Harry

Well, do you want the girl who would stalk you if she got the chance around you?!

Hermione

No...I already have the boy who stalks me around me...

Ron

Hey!

Hermione

No, dear, that was a good thing.

Ron

How is that a good thing?

Hermione

I want you to stalk me.

Ron

Huh?...OH!...hehehe...

Harry

Ewewewewewewewewewew!! I didn’t hear that...I didn’t hear that...I didn’t hear that...

Ron

I think you scarred him for life...

Hermione

Again? He’s so sensitive...

Harry

Yeah, well...you weren’t up all night from listening to you two...mingle...in the bed right next to mine...

Hermione

See...I told you the room of requirement would have worked better!

Ron

Blah blah blah...

Harry

I think I might throw up...

Ron

I know why you’re taking this so hard, Harry.

Harry

And why is that?

Ron

Because you don’t have anyone to mingle with for yourself!

Harry

I don’t know why but that sounded wrong for some reason...

Hermione

How about Pavarti?

Harry

Already tried...Yule ball, remember?

Ron

Oh, yeah...that’s when I realized that I was in love with Hermione.

Hermione

Ahh! Ron...that’s so sweet!

Harry

I thought that we were talking about me, right?

Ron

Oh right.

Hermione

Uh...what about Lavender?

Harry

Drinking problem.

Ron

Drinking problem?

Harry

Yeah...she has too many butterbeers and...well...last time she was standing on the table and singing dirty songs.

Hermione

But butterbeers are non-alcoholic.

Harry

Not with Lavender.

Ron

Have you gone out with Emily?

Harry

Let’s not talk about that one...k?

Hermione

Amanda?

Harry

Fancies Draco and BIT too much...

Ron

Jasmine?

Harry

Laughter gives me a headache...

Hermione

Sara?

Harry

No.

Ron

Melissa?

Harry

No.

Hermione

Uh...Fiona?

Harry

No.

Ron

Alyssa?

Harry

No.

Hermione

Draco?

Harry

EWW!

Ron

Snape?

Harry

Now you’re just getting gross.

Ron

But that’s what makes it so much fun!

Harry

I’m never coming here again...

Hermione

Why? You love The Three Broomsticks!

Harry

That’s not the reason...

Ron

Bye!

Hermione

Bye!!

Ron

Now what can we do when Harry’s not here?

Hermione

I think I have an idea...

(Isn’t this fun- switching back and forth like this? Hehehe...)

Sirius

Well, I suppose that this is supposed to be the end...

James

What?

Remus

Why would you say that?

Sirius

Everything’s wrapping up! The author is starting to submit it to the web site! What else do you call it?

James

You can communicate with the author?

Peter

The person who tells us what to say and write?

Sirius

Uh...yeah...sure...why not?

James

Awesome!

Remus

How?

Sirius

Who’s the author again?

James

Sigh.

Sirius

OUCH!! OK, THAT ONE HURT!!

Remus

Not another fight...

Peter

Isn’t this getting a bit old?

James

The author told you to say that...

Remus

Yeah, but that’s beside the point.

James

And that.

Remus

James...

James

And that.

Peter

Remus, you already have a bruise...you don’t need to make it worse...

Sirius

You know...it was the author’s fault that I’m stupid.

Remus

James

Peter

Sirius

What?

Remus

Quick- say something!

James

Sirius...I have some startling news for you...

Sirius

Oh no! Is it my cat, Betsy?!

Peter

Uh...no...

James

It’s something more unsettling than that sad fact.

Sirius

What’s going on here?

Remus

Don’t give me that look; James is the one who’s telling you!

Sirius

James...?

James

Sirius...you’re seriously stupid...

Sirius

I know! That stinking author made it that way!

James

...without the author’s help...

Sirius

Wha....?

Emmablk1

Yeah!! It’s not my fault!!

Remus

Whoa! Where did you come from?!

Emmablk1

Uh...I’m gonna go now...

Peter

Who was she?

Sirius

The author.

James

How many times must we tell you that?

Remus

James, it’s actually traditional to say that after he’s asked twice.

James

Oh. Ok.

Peter

Are we done yet?

Emmablk1

Nope...it’s traditional that Sirius makes his stomach talk first.

Peter

There she is again!

Sirius

Oh yeah!!

James

No!! anything but that!!

Peter

Yeah!! I like this part...

Remus

Please, I’m begging you!! Don’t let him-

Sirius

There was a farmer who had a dog and Sirius was his name-o...

James

Why do you insist on torturing us?!

Emmablk1

It’s not my choice; Sirius is the one who controls my brain!

Sirius

S-I-R-I-S...uh...U-S...uh...

Remus

That explains a lot...

Peter

Did he forget how to spell his name again?

Emmablk1

Looks like it...

James

That’s it...I’m leaving...

Remus

Me too...

Peter

Me three...

Emmablk1

Me four...

James

Hey, you can’t leave-you’re the author!

Emmablk1

Watch me.

Sirius

Hey, where’d everyone go?!

Sirius

Hello?

Sirius

I don’t know how to write my own lines...emmablk1? James? Remus? Peter?

(Now, I couldn’t forget about Harry, Ron, and Hermione this one last time, now could I?)

Harry

ah...why do we have to end it?

Emmablk1

Because I said so.

Ron

And you are?

Emmablk1

The author, of course.

Harry

But I don’t want to.

Ron

Yeah, I’m too lazy...

Hermione

I want to go and do my homework...

Emmablk1

Fine I’LL end it...

Emmablk1: September 3, 2004

Emmablk1

Better?

Ron

Much.

Sirius

Someone feed me!!

Harry

Sirius?

Hermione

What are you doing here?

Ron

Yeah, this is our time period!

Harry

And you died already, remember?

Emmablk1

But I’m in denial, so he can be here, technically.

Sirius

Besides, I’m in your head.

Emmablk1

He’s like a parasite that won’t leave.

Hermione

Actually, parasites don’t leave their hosts until they die.

Sirius

Yeah!!

Emmablk1

No!! why did you say that?!

Hermione

Whoops...sorry.

Emmablk1

I’m doomed forever...

Harry

So long!

Emmablk1

And remember-I’m selling Sirius for free!

Ron

That may sound like a good deal, but trust me, he get really annoying.

Siruis

Hey!

Hermione

So long!

Sirius

Bring back food next time!

Emmablk1: September 3, 2004

i really hope that you people enjoyed that. now, there's a little matter of the fact that there's this little purple button at the bottom of the screen that says REVIEW that you need to push...SHPW ME THAT I NEED TO WRITE ANOTHER ONE! b/c if i don't get any ideas soon...well...let's just say that the interruptions dynasty would be over...i think i might cry if that happens...

emmablk1

4. Part 4

Interruptions, Part the Fourth

A Very Special Fic Written for the Readers

By the way...it's 63 pages! You better enjoy this!

James

Padfoot?

Sirius

Hmmmm?

James

I don’t think I’m ready for this.

Sirius

Refghy phergh whght?

Remus

Sirius, will you stop hogging all my Honeydukes Chocolate!

Sirius

Sorry…you should know by now that anything that you put in front of my face I’ll eat.

Remus

I think I know that all too well, thank you.

James

Are either of you even listening to me!

Sirius

Oh, were you speaking? It’s kind of hard to hear your voice now that I’ve trained myself to be able to block you out.

James

Moony?

Remus

Yeah?

James

Hit him.

Sirius

OUCH! YOU’VE GOT MOONY DOING YOUR DIRTY WORK FOR YOU! That’s pathetic, James.

James

If you really want me to hit you, I will.

Sirius

That’s ok…I’m kind of getting used to the fact that Moony’s a wimp and can barely punch…

Remus

Ha. Ha.

James

I’m not in the mood for your jokes, Sirius.

Sirius

That’s funny, because you were earlier…

Remus

How much earlier?

Sirius

About…oh…fifteen years…

James

Sirius…

Remus

Wow…he really is serious…

Sirius

I didn’t think it was possible.

Remus

What’s the problem, James?

James

Wait, where’s Peter?

Remus

He said something about coming later.

Sirius

He’s been doing that more often lately.

James

Yeah, but to miss my…my…

Sirius

You are able to say the word, you know.

Remus

Come on, Jamesie-Poo…

James

My…sigh…marriage.

Remus

Well, it took you and Lily long enough.

Sirius

Sorry, it still makes me want to throw up.

James

Right now I think…no…I know I’m gonna throw up.

Sirius

Perfect.

Remus

Perfect?

Sirius

Yeah. I mean, it does make sense.

James

Because our minds are so in synch that you know when I’m about to puke?

Sirius

Uh…no.

Remus

Thank goodness.

Sirius

Don’t you remember? Prongs, you were like this the day you saw Lily!

Remus

I remember that!

James

…

Sirius

JAMES!

James

What!

Remus

Don’t tell me you can’t remember!

James

Ok, I won’t.

Sirius

Isn’t written somewhere in your vows that you’d never forget the day that you met each other?

James

I actually…kinda…blocked the memory out.

Remus

Why?

Sirius

Oh, wait…HAHA! It’s because she scorned you, isn’t it?

Remus

Define scorned.

Sirius

James, would you do the honors?

James

She…put me in the leglocker curse, pushed me into the lake, and then froze the lake so that I couldn’t get out.

Remus

…

Sirius

That was the best day of my life.

James

I would expect nothing less from the likes of you.

Remus

Hey, wasn’t that also the first day that we started to write our notes during class?

James

Ah…to be young and have the attention span of a flea.

Sirius

That was the day, alright, but I think all Jamesie-Poo remembers is the fact that he was rescued by the astronomy professor who had a crush on him.

James

Why do you insist on giving me nightmares for the rest of my life? And don’t call me Jamesie-Poo.

Sirius

It’s just a hobby, Boo Boo Bear.

Remus

I’m just glad my life isn’t as embarrassing as Prongs’.

James

Ha. Ha.

Sirius

Well, I thought it was funny.

James

Yeah, but you’re going to die in about five seconds, so it doesn’t matter anyway, now does it?

Sirius

See? Doesn’t this help you to stop thinking about your wedding?

Flash-back!

November 6, 1976(?)

Sirius

Well, it’s finally happened. We were dreading this day, but…I guess time makes fools of us all.

Peter

Uh oh.

Remus

What happened, Sirius?

Sirius

Are you sure that you really want to hear this? Are you sure that you can handle all the sick, disgusting details in miniscule information?

Remus

Not anymore.

Peter

I think I might hyperventilate if you don’t tell soon.

Sirius

You know when you’re about to hyperventilate?

Peter

It’s a gift…I think…

Remus

So what’s the news?

Sirius

James is in love.

Peter

Oh.

Sirius

Doesn’t it make you sick!

Remus

With Lily, right?

Sirius

How did you know that?

Remus

1. He stares at her in the great hall, in class, in the common room…actually, now that I think about it, he stares at her no matter where we are or if she’s even in the room!

Sirius

I’m gonna pretended that I can even understand that sentence.

Peter

Is that it?

Sirius

Of course not! Would I ever come to you with big news and not have something else equally shocking to tell too?

Remus

Yes.

Sirius

Huh?

Remus

By now we’ve learned that most of the time your stories either have no meaning or moral or you just tell them to hear your own voice.

Sirius

Wow. I didn’t think I was so easy to figure out.

Peter

You are.

Sirius

Anyways, guess where James is right at this very moment?

Peter

Singing karaoke?

Remus

…

Sirius

…

Remus

I’m thinking that’s a no?

Sirius

Here’s a hint: he’s somewhere he can’t breathe.

Peter

I’m all out of ideas.

Sirius

That was funny on so many different levels that I can’t pick which one to laugh at first.

Remus

James is under the frozen lake, isn’t he?

Sirius

How’d you know that?

Remus

Saw it through the window. I also know that Lily Evans did it.

Sirius

HA! But, I bet you don’t know James’ BIG secret! MWHAHAHAHA!

Remus

The fact that he’s in love with Lily? Sirius, we just went over that.

Sirius

…I hate you…

Remus

I know.

Peter

Uh…is James’ face supposed to be red after being in a frozen lake?

Remus

I don’t know, why?

Peter

Because he’s coming this way.

Sirius

Hide me.

James

WHERE IS HE?

Peter

Who?

James

I’m gonna kill him. And Remus, so help me Merlin, if you even THINK about hiding him, you’re going down with him.

Sirius

Out of curiosity James, who was it that rescued you?

Remus

The astronomy professor?

Sirius

Ding, Ding, Ding! And the winner is….Remus Lupin!

James

Shut up.

Peter

Did she invite you up to the astronomy tower?

James

Sirius, you’ve corrupted him!

Sirius

How?

James

Oh come one! We all know that he would never act this way if your stupidness hadn’t sunk into his brain.

Sirius

You can come up with a better reason than that, James.

James

No. it’s definitely you.

Sirius

And everything is instantly my fault…

James

Yes.

Remus

Yes.

Peter

Yes.

Remus

Well, you WERE the one who made James go over and talk to Lily.

Sirius

There’s just one thing I want to know before I die, James: how in the world does Remus know everything!

Remus

It’s a gift.

Flash-forward!

Sirius

And here we are today, still writing in notes, even though we could just be talking instead.

James

We’re pathetic.

Remus

So, are you ready?

Sirius

Ready for what?

Remus

The ceremony starts in twenty minutes.

Sirius

Ready for what?

Remus

You don’t look ready.

Sirius

READY FOR WHAT?

Remus

James, straighten up your shirt.

Sirius

See, this is what’s known as ‘ignoring-the-dog’ and I want you to know, Moony, that it has repercussions…

James

What are you going to do- pee on him?

Sirius

I’ll figure something out.

James

Oh, so you’re going to poop on him.

Sirius

Will you just shut up?

Remus

It’s hard to make him stop.

Sirius

James, if you say one more thing, I swear that you’ll be walking out there with your lips sewn together…

James

Sigh.

Sirius

OUCH!

James

Better now?

Sirius

Ok…ok…I’ll just sit in the corner…

Remus

That’s amazing. Teach me?

James

It’s all in the way that you hit him-

Sirius

Don’t teach him any tricks!

James

So…do you think Lily’s ready?

Sirius

I’ll go ask her.

James

No! Wait!

Remus

You know there’s no stopping him when he gets stupid.

James

I don’t think I can breathe…

Remus

James….James! OPEN. YOUR. MOUTH!

James

Sorry.

Sirius

Personally, I think it’s kinda funny when he can’t breathe.

James

Shut it.

Remus

That was quick.

Sirius

Yeah.

James

…

Remus

…

James

What. Did. You. Do?

Sirius

Let’s see…I got up, walked out the door, ambled down the hall, opened Lily’s door, didn’t see anyone, closed the door, got a drink of water, pulled a rabbit out of my hat, walked back down the hall, opened up our door, sat down, and started writing. Then you asked me what happened, and I said-

James

Wait. What did you just say?

Sirius

I got up, walked out th-

Remus

He means the part about Lily, Padfoot.

Sirius

Uh…that part where she wasn’t in her room?

James

She wasn’t there? Well, where was she!

Sirius

Well…she wasn’t there, or in the church…

Remus

You don’t think that she…

James

No! She couldn’t…she…wouldn’t…would she?

Sirius

I don’t blame her, I mean if I was marrying you-

Remus

Of course not! She probably just left to go buy some…uh…floo powder.

Sirius

I really need to teach you how to lie better.

Remus

I didn’t know you offered lessons.

Sirius

Yes. And they required 25 galleons beforehand, so pay up.

James

Weren’t we talking about something more pressing? Hint. Hint. WINK. WINK.

Sirius

Don’t wink; it’s disturbing.

Remus

What do we do now?

James

I’m going to go scream into this couch pillow, then get really drunk.

Sirius

Let’s spike the butterbeer!

Remus

…

Sirius

What? It’s not like you haven’t done it before.

Remus

On a dare.

Sirius

Same thing.

Yes, another FLASHBACK!

Remus

No way. I won’t do it.

James

Aw, c’mon, Moony!

Sirius

Yeah, it’s not hard to spike the butterbeer at the Christmas Ball while no one’s looking.

James

Don’t write down the whole plan!

Sirius

Right! Like the time when we found a way into the girl’s dorms, snuck up in the middle of the night, colored all their hair grey, then cut half of it off, stole all their underwear, and captured their toothpastes?

James

What does that have to do with anything?

Remus

It was you two who did that?

Sirius

…

James

…

Sirius

So…reckon that we shouldn’t have sent Wormtail for the alcohol.

James

It was probably not the brightest idea we’ve ever had.

Remus

Do I really have to go through with this?

Sirius

Tell you what- you don’t, but…

James

Don’t do anything he says.

Remus

I am well aware of his evilness.

James

Sometimes ignorance isn’t always that problem.

Sirius

BUT…you have to drink all the alcohol.

James

Are you crazy! That stuff is pure poison!

Sirius

Well, obviously it would be if we are the ones who drink it.

Remus

I’ll do it.

Sirius

What!

James

What!

Remus

As long as I’m only drunk in the common room.

Sirius

…

James

…

Remus

Swear it.

Sirius

Let’s just say that when we’re through with you, it’ll be a night to remember.

James

Also, let’s say 10 to 1 Virginia will dump his sorry butt.

Sirius

Yes, let’s.

Flash-forward!

Sirius

That was the best Christmas Ball ever. Period.

Remus

No it wasn’t! You guys got me drunk then took me out on the dance floor.

James

Oh yeah…didn’t you dance with every girl in the place?

Sirius

And all the guys. THAT is personally imprinted in my mind for forever.

James

Why did we start reminiscing about that again?

Peter

You’re all here!

Remus

You’re surprised that we’re all here for James’ wedding?

Sirius

The wedding of the century?

James

What exactly makes it the wedding of the century?

Sirius

The fact that I spiked the punch.

James

Oh.

Peter

No, I’m surprised that James isn’t at the alter…with Lily?

James

What!

Remus

What time is it?

Peter

Why are all the clocks set backwards?

James

I’m thirty minutes late for my own wedding!

Sirius

Actually…you’re 45 minutes late.

James

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Peter

He looks like a chicken with its head cut off…

Sirius

Hand me one of those disposable cameras.

Remus

Too late. He’s already out the door.

Sirius

Isn’t that sweet?

Peter

Young love?

Sirius

No, the fact that Lily’s first memory of her wedding will be James screaming and running into the church.

Remus

Those poor muggles.

Peter

Sigh.

Sirius

Sigh.

Remus

Sigh.

Peter

Hey…aren’t we supposed to be in there, too?

Sirius

Since when did Peter get so smart?

Remus

Must’ve been the punch.

Sirius

Either that or someone dropped him again.

Emmablk1

Uh…guys?

Sirius

Yes, dear?

Emmablk1

Don’t call me that.

Remus

What’s the matter?

Emmablk1

The fic can’t stop until you go to the wedding.

Sirius

It’s stopping already!

Peter

It can’t have even been 30 pages yet, let alone the 60 you promised.

Emmablk1

What did you give him to make him so smart? I never write him this way!

Remus

It had to be the punch.

Emmablk1

Anyway…you guys have to shut it so that I can get on with the special features part of the fic.

Peter

Fun! Are we in it!

Sirius

That’s the Peter we all know and lov…I mean…like.

Emmablk1

No, Peter. It’s about the average wingspan and velocity of swallows.

Peter

African or European swallows?

Emmablk1

Shut up.

Peter

Oh. I’ll go get popcorn.

Emmablk1

Well…that’s one way to get rid of him.

Sirius

Someone write it down.

Remus

Now if we could only find a way to get rid of Sirius.

Emmablk1

You’re the smart one; selling him didn’t work- I never got a money amount.

Sirius

This is insulting.

James

What’s going on? Isn’t the fic supposed to be over by now?

Lily

We’ve been waiting for forever!

Emmablk1

waving frantically Hi Lily!

Lily

Hi Emmablk1!

Sirius

Girls…

Emmablk1

Excuse me?

Lily

What did you just say?

Sirius

James…help me…they’re both gaining up on me…!

James

You got yourself into this mess.

Remus

Five galleons that he doesn’t make it out alive.

James

You’re on.

Sirius

Hey!

Lily

If I wasn’t allowed to complain about being betted on, you aren’t.

Emmablk1

You’re going over your time limit.

Sirius

So?

Remus

What happens if we do?

Emmablk1

You don’t get paid.

Sirius

I’m shutting up.

James

Ditto.

Remus

I wasn’t even talking.

Lily

Me either.

Emmablk1

When I said be quiet, I meant everyone.

Remus

But…we’re

Lily

Your favorites!

Sirius

I thought I was your favorite!

Emmablk1

ENOUGH! This is IDIOTIC!

Lily

…

James

…

Remus

…

Sirius

…

Emmablk1

I’m starting the bloopers now…

Sirius

Can we have popcorn?

James

Shh!

Remus

Shh!

Lily

Shh!

Emmablk1

Here’s some toffees. Enjoy yourselves.

James

I don’t even want to know where she got those.

Emmablk1

Shut it.

Bloopers! (Funness!) And Random Quotes!

Romance:

James

On screen Lily…I have something very important to ask you.

Lily

Yes?

James

I don’t quite know how you’re going to respond to this and it might affect our relationship forever.

Lily

We’ve been dating for half a year, James. Nothing you could do can surprise me.

James

Ok…here goes…Lily…my beautiful darling girlfriend…will you…will you…do me the honor and the pleasure…

Lily

Yes James?

James

…Of doing my laundry?

Emmablk1

CUT!

Sirius

That was a horrible blooper.

James

I couldn’t remember the line!

Lily

The line was ‘Will you marry me?’, you twit!

James

It was ‘will you marry me you twit’? That seems kinda redundant.

Remus

Do you ever know what that word means?

James

I could if I wanted to.

Emmablk1

Sigh. There’s more.

Remus

Oh, great.

Sirius

on screen love is a many spendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong; all you need is love!

Insert your name here

Please don’t start that again.

Sirius

All you need is love!

Insert your name here

A girl’s got to eat!

Sirius

All you need is love…and food.

Emmablk1

This is where the idea began to go downhill. And also where Sirius stopped trying to sing.

Insert your name here

Or she’ll end up on the street!

Sirius

All you need is love…and food…and housing…

Insert your name here

Sirius! You’re ruining it!

Sirius

I am not! I’m just doing a little…improvisation.

Emmablk1

CUT!

James

Why we ever tried to do musicals, I’ll never know.

Remus

No, why we tried to do musicals with Sirius as the leads is a mystery.

Emmablk1

Yes…as you can see…the boys and I had different ideas about how to write this…and the best one won, obviously.

Sirius

My idea was better.

Lily

Sirius…making the story a Scottish opera didn’t work. At all.

Sirius

Hey! Give it some credit.

James

Right. Rodgers and Hammerstein did a fine job on the lyrics.

Remus

Even though none of us can sing.

Emmablk1

Ahem…

Lily

You’re the author- you don’t count.

Sirius

Ok, we’ve seen James’ romance catastrophes…what about Remus’?

James

We’ve seen your catastrophes too, Padfoot.

Sirius

I don’t have catastrophes. I have misadventures.

Remus

Uh…I think all I have are rejections…

Lily

Aww! Remus is making me cry!

Emmablk1

Well, then it’s a good thing we have a clip show of all the rejections!

Remus

How is that a good thing?

James

You’re heartless.

Sirius

Sorry. I rub off on her.

Everyone except Sirius

We know.

Emmablk1

Roll the clip! Hehe! I’ve always wanted to say that.

Sirius

on screen presenting…! Sirius Lee Black’s official Best Pick-up lines of the decade!

James

Huh?

Remus

What’s this?

Sirius

Whoops. Was that what that tape was?

James

You taped over it with pick-up lines?

Sirius

Hey! Those are the best pick-up lines of the decade!

Lily

Who did you try these out on so that you knew they were the best?

Sirius

…

Sirius

Movie hey, babe…were you always this cute, or do you have to work at it?

Sirius

I tried them out on Snape. The angrier he got, the better the lines were.

James

And you didn’t invite me!

Peter

Hey guys, what’d I miss?

Sirius

movie Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Peter

Never mind. I don’t want to know.

Sirius

I’ll have you know that these lines are guaranteed to score.

James

Yeah. With Snape.

Sirius

Movie Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Remus

Please turn it off before I puke.

Emmablk1

I was ready for the next topic, anyway.

Deleted Scenes:

James

Some of these were not my idea. In fact, all of these were not my idea.

Lily

Why’d you go along with them, then?

James

The cash.

Lily

And what exactly do you need cash for, James?

Sirius

Dungbombs.

Lily

What?

James

He means…jewelry…to buy for you.

Sirius

No, I mean dungbombs. You know, the small round things that you light with your wand and they are able to stink up the entire room before you can say ‘Locomotor mortis’?

James

Sirius there is a thing called duct tape and it’s on your mouth. Its invisible, but it’s there.

Lily

I think I’ve lost all faith in him.

Sirius

I never had any faith in him to begin with.

James

Grrr…

Sirius

OUCH! I give! I give! Just joking! Just joking!

Emmablk1

Actually, some of these scenes aren’t just ones that we cut out.

Peter

What are they?

Emmablk1

They’re ones that I caught on my super secret hidden camera!

Remus

You did what now!

Emmablk1

I didn’t do anything. You guys did all this on your own.

James

Wait. Do you mean the camera we found hidden in the fireplace?

Emmablk1

Uh…

Lily

And the one in the quidditch pitch?

Emmablk1

Er…

Sirius

And the one in the girl’s quidditch showers?

Remus

What!

James

What!

Peter

What!

Lily

What!

Emmablk1

What!

Sirius

Oh sorry. That one’s mine.

Lily

That’s it. From now on I’m showering with a bathing suit on.

Emmablk1

ANYWAY…I think the people would like to see how the marauders really behave in their spare time…

Peter

Roll the clip!

Unknown Voice

On screen Girls just want to have fun, now. Oh! Girls just want to have fun!

James

The screen’s black.

Sirius

Hey! I can’t see who’s about to get teased for the rest of his life!

Peter

Oh. Sorry. My hand was covering it.

Everyone except Remus

REMUS?

Remus

What? Can’t a guy sing in his own spare time?

James

Yes, a guy can sing in his spare time.

Sirius

Just another song…like…uh…

James

Don’t look at me.

Sirius

Like…a country balled.

Peter

A balled?

Remus

Country?

Sirius

Give me a break! You’re the ones who put me on the spot!

Emmablk1

And ‘My Achy Breaky Heart’ is a very manly song to sing.

James

Huh?

Lily and Remus

Muggle country.

James

Oh.

Sirius

You mean the songs that always talk about how he loses the girl and he drinks away his sorrows?

Emmablk1

Basically.

Sirius

Suddenly I have some sort of craving for spiked butterbeer.

Peter

Hey, I found some more scenes!

James

Fabulous.

Sirius

On Screen Surrender, little one, or you shall never see the light of day again! MWHAHAHA! Say goodbye!

Lily

Uh…Sirius…is that my teddy bear?

Remus

How’d you get into the girl’s dorms?

Sirius

Uh…er…that is to say…uh…

Emmablk1

Calm down. He was probably just deprived as a child.

Sirius

Exactly. What?

Emmablk1

You heard me.

Remus

Hey look! We made it to 30 pages!

James

We should celebrate.

Emmablk1

Ladies, and oddly enough, gentlemen, we’re going to be taking a short intermission now.

Lily

Don’t worry, though.

Sirius

We’ll leave you something to entertain yourselves.

Peter

What would that be?

Sirius

I dunno know.

complete silence

Emmablk1

Hurry…put this tape in before they leave for good!

Sounds of a VCR being turned on and used

Movie starts

Sam

Frodo, I can’t carry the ring, but I can carry you.

Music swells up as Sam carries him up the mountain

Sam

We’re almost there, Mister Frodo!

James

Wait. What is this?

Remus

Whose is this?

Emmablk1

Hahaheh…oh…uh…that would be mine…

Sirius

What are you thinking, putting something like that in?

Emmablk1

I’m thinking that I could satisfy my Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings fetishes in one go.

Lily

What’s Harry Potter?

James

And why does he have my last name?

Emmblk1

Oops. Just forget I said that.

Peter

Weren’t we supposed to have some sort of intermission going on?

Sirius

Oh yeah.

Intermission!

Announcer

A public service announcement from the Marauders.

James

Don’t drink and drive. Ever.

Sirius

I think that’s good enough.

Peter

When’s break?

Director

CUT! Do it again.

Take 2.

Sirius

Hi! We’re the beloved guys that you all know and love and we’re here today to talk to you about drugs.

James

That’s right, Padfoot.

Remus

Drugs are bad. I would never suggest doing them.

Sirius

Unless, of course, you use them to make the Slytherins look stupid.

James

Like putting sleeping powder into their goblets!

Peter

Or leaving gillyweed around to trick them into eating it!

Sirius

Or sneaking into their common room at night and spraying the entire place with pus.

James

What does that have to do with using drugs?

Sirius

I dunno. It was just fun whenever we did it.

Remus

True.

Sirius

The point is drugs make you stupid.

James

And in the Slytherin’s case, it makes you even stupider.

Remus

I don’t think that’s a word, Prongs.

James

Shh! We’re filming!

Director

Sigh. Take 3.

five hours later

Remus

If you’re watching this commercial, that probably means that you’re on drugs or drinking.

Sirius

By the way, it’s bad for you.

Peter

Thank you and good night.

End of Intermission

James

I’m never doing another PSA again.

Peter

I thought it was fun.

James

Only because there were donuts on set.

Sirius

Yeah. I still have nightmares.

Peter

You mean about the donuts?

Sirius

I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.

Remus

Why are we talking about donuts again?

James

I’m not sure…Sirius, do you want to fill this one?

Sirius

Not really.

Peter

Hey, Lily?

Lily

What?

Peter

Do you still have that mood ring that James gave you?

Lily

…

Remus

…

James

…

Sirius

…

Peter

What? Did I do something wrong?

James

Wormtail…sometimes I think it’s better if you just stay quiet.

Sirius

Yeah, it gives you time to actually use your brain.

Remus

Does he actually have one of those things?

Lily

I have no earthly idea.

Peter

Hey! Let’s go spike the butterbeer again!

Lily

You know, there once was a time when no one would spike the butterbeer.

Sirius

Say it ain’t so!

James

Sigh.

Emmablk1

Ahem.

Remus

So…what to do…what to do…

Emmablk1

Ahem.

Sirius

We could just repeat ‘what to do’ over and over again.

James

Why?

Emmablk1

Ahem.

Sirius

For easy entertainment.

Emmablk1

AHEM!

Peter

What is that annoying sound!

Emmablk1

IT’S ME, YOU IDIOTS!

Sirius

Oh yeah…you’re still here?

Lily

How rude!

Sirius

I’m sorry; did I not make it clear that you are not entitled to your own opinion?

James

Wait, who was that directed to?

Sirius

I donno.

Emmablk1

This has taken a sudden, disturbing turn.

Remus

I’m under the impression that we’ve turned so much that we’re now facing backwards.

Sirius

Huh?

Remus

Don’t try to understand, Padfoot; your brain might explode.

Peter

Weren’t we supposed to be doing something important?

Lily

Hmmm…good question.

Emmablk1

I think it’s time we end it.

James

End it!

Peter

But why?

Emmablk1

I should think that is plainly obvious.

Sirius

Because Peter suddenly joined the cast again?

Remus

Sigh. We are still allowed to hit him very hard, aren’t we?

Emmablk1

It’s in his contract.

James

Good.

Sirius

OUCH!

Remus

You know what?

Peter

What?

Remus

I think that is kinda takes away to boringness if we all keep hitting him.

James

That’s the best thing that I’ve heard all day.

Emmablk1

Hey, hey! If you over-exert him, then when he passes out, it won’t be any fun anymore.

Lily

Good point.

Sirius

Somebody…anybody…why is it always the dog…?

James

You’re the one who always wants to be the center of attention.

Sirius

No, that’s you.

James

Is not!

Sirius

Is too!

James

Is not!

Sirius

Is too!

Emmablk1

They never shut up.

Lily

But banging your head against the table is better than any medication.

Remus

I know what we can do!

James

What might that be?

Remus

Truth or dare; Wizarding Style!

Peter

What’s the difference between that and the muggle truth or dare?

Remus

Because if you don’t complete a dare or answer a truth, you get a hex put on you.

Sirius

Hehehehe…MWHAHAHAHA!

Lily

Uh oh…

Emmablk1

I don’t like the sound of that laugh.

James

This is bringing back some rather unpleasant memories.

Peter

Like the time when you had two noses.

Remus

And you caught a cold and starting sneezing out of both noses?

James

Why are we bringing that up?

Emmablk1

‘Cause it’s fun.

Peter

Who’s going first?

Lily

Um…Sirius!

Sirius

Why is it always me!

Remus

Let me count the whys…you’re the dog, you’re the easiest to pick on next to Peter, you come up with really good dares, you’re a terrible lier…

James

You can stop now.

Sirius

You know, dog backwards spells god.

Remus

Oh yes, and you also have a bloated ego…

Sirius

That most likely means that you guys should worship me.

James

Keep dreaming, buddy.

Peter

I’m not getting down on my hands and knees.

Emmablk1

Me either.

Sirius

C’mon, think about it! It makes perfect sense!

Lily

In what world?

James

The demented one in his head.

Lily

That one’s scary.

James

I know. We try to keep him from returning to it.

Remus

That means to stop him from thinking.

Emmablk1

Aren’t we supposed to be playing a game of some sort?

Sirius

Hey, I’m not dumb!

Emmablk1

Hello?

James

You’re right.

Remus

You’re idiotic.

James

No, wait…that’s Peter.

Emmablk1

Don’t ignore the author!

Peter

Yeah, don’t confuse the two.

Emmablk1

I wanna play truth or dare!

Sirius

I make good marks on my papers, you know.

Remus

We also all cheat off of each other, too.

James

Well, mostly off of Remus.

Sirius

That’s not the point.

Lily

This is ridiculous.

Emmablk1

Can’t we ever stay on topic for once?

Sirius

Do I have to prove to you guys that I’m really smarter that I look?

Lily

I think they’re going to ignore us.

James

How would you manage to convince us, O Great One?

Sirius

First off, you can keep calling me that.

Emmablk1

Maybe we should leave.

Lily

Maybe we should.

James

See, like I said, an oversized ego.

Remus

No, I said that.

James

Sorry.

Lily

James, don’t confuse him with yourself.

Emmablk1

We’re never going to play this game, are we?

Sirius

I swear that I’ll prove to you guys that I’m smarter than you give me credit for.

Lily

He didn’t listen to me!

Emmablk1

I really think we should leave.

Lily

Let’s.

Peter

And like it’s been stated before, how?

Sirius

Uh…

Remus

That’s not a very good start.

Sirius

Shut up! I’m thinking!

James

Uh oh…I thought he was never going to do that again.

Remus

We should have stopped him when we had the chance.

James

It’s very hazardous to his health.

Remus

But since when were we concerned about that?

Peter

Hey, where did Lily and Emmablk1 go?

Remus

I don’t know. I never heard them leave.

Sirius

I’ve got it!

James

Got what?

Sirius

Darn it, now you made me forget!

Peter

Forget what?

Sirius

AGHHH! Stop that!

Remus

This makes no sense.

James

It doesn’t have to make sense; this is Sirius we’re talking about here.

Sirius

I told you, I’m smarter than I seem!

Remus

I think he’s proving it to us by telling us in different ways that he’s smarter than we think he is.

Peter

That’s confusing.

James

Hmm…that’s tricky.

Sirius

What’s tricky?

Remus

How you’re proving to us that you’re really smart.

Sirius

I am? I mean, I am! Wait…how…?

James

Never mind, he got side-tracked.

Remus

That’s never a good thing.

Peter

I thought we were going to play a game.

James

I’m surprised that we’ve even gotten this far without realizing that.

Sirius

Yeah, well, you’re the one who didn’t realize it when his own girlfriend left.

James

Oh yeah? You’re the one without a girlfriend!

Sirius

Wow. That was real witty.

James

Shut up.

Sirius

Make me.

James

Ok I will!

Remus

…

Peter

…

Sirius

…

James

…

Sirius

Are you just going to stand there all night?

James

Suddenly it just occurred to me how many twists and turns that this fic has taken since the beginning.

Peter

I’m confused…

Remus

We all are.

Sirius

Yeah, weren’t we at James and Lily’s wedding at the beginning?

Remus

But then we found out that it was just a plot device to segway into talking about all the stupid stuff we’ve done.

James

Ah…plot devices.

Remus

It seems to me that the author really didn’t know where she was going.

Sirius

Which is true about her in fact.

James

I hope she doesn’t smite us for being mean to her behind her back.

Peter

Nah…

Sirius

She loves me too much.

Remus

I think that calls for an awkward silence.

James

Definitely.

Remus

…

James

…

Peter

…

Sirius

…

James

so…what to do now…

Peter

we could beat up Sirius again.

James

Nah…that’s lost it’s luster.

Sirius

Need I remind you chaps about the dog/god thing?

James

No!

Remus

No!

Peter

No!

James

The last thing we need is something extra to inflate your ego more.

Remus

Or yours, right Jamesie-Poo?

James

What was that!

Sirius

Boo Boo Bear?

James

Stop that!

Peter

Haha…octopus!

James

Huh?

Sirius

Huh?

Remus

Huh?

Peter

Oh, sorry…I thought we were randomly calling him things.

James

Sigh.

Sirius

I do feel sorry for you sometimes, Wormtail.

James

Why is that?

Sirius

Because he doesn’t have my mind, of course!

Remus

Be grateful.

James

If only he had that privilege.

Sirius

You’re just jealous.

James

Right…

Remus

You know, maybe we shouldn’t have promised to give them sixty pages.

James

Maybe we should stop it right here.

Peter

Haha!

Sirius

They really thought we were stopping!

Remus

They’re so naïve!

James

Hey, guess who else is naïve?

Remus

Who?

James

You!

Remus

That wasn’t funny.

James

Sirius can’t stop laughing.

Sirius

That’s because Sirius is an idiot.

James

Point taken.

Peter

May I please go home now?

Sirius

Yeah, I’ve been here all day…

Emmablk1

No.

James

Whoa! Where did you come from!

Emmablk1

From my mother, where did you think?

James

Huh?

Remus

Don’t try to think.

James

Okay.

Peter

Boy, that was easy.

Sirius

Now if the same principal could make him shut up…

James

Ha, ha.

Sirius

You’re right; it was funny.

Emmablk1

Anyway…you guys can’t go home now!

Remus

Why?

Emmablk1

Because I just got on a major sugar rush and I need other people around me to make me look less stupid.

Peter

Really?

Emmablk1

No.

Sirius

So you really do care about us?

Emmablk1

Uh…

Sirius

Yah! She loves us, she really loves us!

Remus

Suddenly I’m getting the image of Sirius sitting in a field of flowers saying, ‘she loves us, she loves us not…she loves us, she loves us not…’

James

Disturbing, isn’t it?

Emmablk1

Stop…hugging…me…

Peter

Creepy…

James

I hate it when Sirius starts acting all lovey-dovey.

Remus

It freaks me out for days.

Emmblk1

I need to cleanse myself.

Remus

Are you still trying to sell him?

Emmablk1

Hmm…what’s the offer?

Remus

Hey, I don’t want him!

Emmablk1

Just asking.

James

This is starting to get a little boring…

Peter

Yeah…

Sirius

Let’s play strip poker!

Remus

That’s a stupid idea.

James

Yeah…we don’t have any cards.

Sirius

Darn it…

Emmablk1

I think we might want to call in some extra help to get the ball rolling again.

Peter

Uh oh…who are you talking about?

Remus

You’re not thinking what I think you’re thinking…?

Emmablk1

That depends on what I think you’re thinking that I’m thinking.

James

This is getting really confusing really quickly.

Remus

Well…what I think you’re thinking that I’m thinking you’re thinking is that you’re about to call Jessie, your slightly psychotic friend.

Emmablk1

I’m thinking you’re right! And you get the prize! Cue the applause.

James

See, this is why Remus is the smart one.

Sirius

Remember-

Peter

Yes, we know…you’re smart, too.

Remus

Please, I’m begging you, I’ll do anything! Just don’t call Jessie!

Emmblk1

Hmm…and that would be?

Remus

Uh….I’ll…I’ll…clean your room?

Emmablk1

Not good enough.

James

We’ll do your chores?

Sirius

Where did you get the ‘we’ out of that?

Emmablk1

Nope.

Peter

We’ll do all your homework for a full year!

Sirius

That is, Remus and Lily will be doing all your homework for a full year.

Emmablk1

Nada. Sorry boys, but I’m afraid I have no choice.

Peter

No!

Remus

Please don’t torture us like this!

Emmablk1

Remus, what are you talking about? You LIKE Jessie, remember?

Remus

Oh yeah…

Sirius

Dork.

Remus

What was that?

Sirius

I said fork. As in, I need a fork; where’s my fork!

Emmablk1

JESSIE!

James

She’s gonna be thrilled that she’s even in this, isn’t she?

Peter

Yep.

Sirius

Everyone brace yourselves…

Jessie

Hello.

Sirius

AHHHH! THE TORTURE! THE HUMILIATION! THE DEPRAVATION! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! HOW COULD YOU BRING HER HERE TO MAKE US SUFFER!

Jessie

Sirius…calm down.

James

Tone it down a little, Padfoot.

Remus

She’s not that bad.

Jessie

MWAHAHAHAHA!

Remus

I might have said that a little too quickly.

Emmablk1

That got the ball rolling!

James

Yeah…all the way down a steep hill into what was formerly known as the marauders!

Jessie

Oh shush, Jamesie-Poo.

Peter

I’m sorry, but I fail to see what makes Jessie so horrible.

Sirius

Is it the fact that she has 666 in blood written on her forehead?

Jessie

Oh that? I just came back from sea camp.

James

A sea camp in hell?

Jessie

No…a sea camp in Galveston.

Emmablk1

And she didn’t even get it there. I painted it on her forehead before she came in to scare you guys.

Sirius

Well obviously it didn’t work…

Emmablk1

Aw…Jessie’s harmless…a little crazy and a little obsessed over Elijah Wood and Orlando Bloom, but who isn’t these days?

Jessie

No, you’re the one who’s obsessed with Elijah Wood.

Emmablk1

Oh yeah…

Peter

Elijah who?

Jessie

Never mind that, let’s just sit down and talk like normal high school kids.

Jmes

No way.

Sirius

No.

Emmablk1

Okay, just what did Jessie do to make you guys so scared of her?

Sirius

It’s giving me the shudders even as I think about it…

James

Me too…

Sirius

You want to tell it, Prongs?

James

Alright…let’s see…it was a dark and stormy night…

Prongs

No it wasn’t.

James

Oh, sorry, it was a bright a cheerful day, but how were we to know of the dangers that lurk around every corner in Diagon Alley!

Jessie

Cut out the dramatics.

Sirius

Aw, man!

Peter

Keep going.

James

Anyway…Sirius and I were walking along peacefully towards Olivander’s to get some repair done on my wand after someone sat on it.

Sirius

James, you were the one who sat on it.

James

Thank you, Sirius…

Sirius

You’re welcome.

Remus

Uh…I don’t think he meant that in a nice way, Sirius.

Sirius

Oh.

Emmablk1

This is where you’re supposed to say you’re sorry, Siri.

Sirius

Don’t call me that.

James

Then, out of nowhere…there came a bolt of something that looked like lightening flashing across the sky, streaking toward us and finally collapsing on top of both of us, giving us concussions and knocking us out for days.

Jessie

Uh…I didn’t do that.

James

What do you mean!

Jessie

Sirius did that to you a couple of weeks ago.

Remus

And you were only out for a couple of minutes.

Sirius

Boy, what a memory you have…

James

You couldn’t remember, either!

Sirius

What difference does that make!

James

Grrr…

Sirius

OUCH! RESTRAIN HIM! RESTRAIN HIM!

Jessie

This is very sad.

Peter

This happens all the time.

Jessie

That’s very sad, too.

Remus

You wanna get some ice cream with Peter and me?

Emmblk1

Yeah!

Jessie

Besides, sometimes it’s best just to let them fight and let all their energy give out.

Emmablk1

Good idea.

Jessie

Thanks!

Emmablk1

I knew I called you here for a reason.

Sirius

WHAT DID YOU CALL MY MOTHER!

James

I ONLY CALLED HER WHAT YOU CALLED HER LAST NIGHT!

Sirius

Oh yeah…BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN SAY IT!

James

YOU’RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME I COULD SAY IT!

Sirius

SHUT UP!

James

NO, YOU!

Remus

Sigh.

Peter

Sigh.

Jessie

Sigh.

Emmablk1

Sigh.

Sirius

Hey, where’d they go?

James

It says here on the note that Remus left us, doofus.

Sirius

That’s not the worst thing I’ve been called.

James

It was the only thing I could think of.

Sirius

They went to go get ice cream!

James

Without us!

Sirius

Who wouldn’t want us around!

James

That does pose some interesting questions…

Sirius

Let’s not think about that at the moment, shall we?

James

We shall.

Sirius

…

James

…

Sirius

now what?

James

Does Emmablk1 expect us to finish her fic on our own?

Sirius

She does know that we’re seriously, not to mention dangerously under-qualified for the job, right?

James

I’m not so sure about that…

Sirius

You end it.

James

Why me!

Sirius

You’re the smarter one!

James

You spent an entire ten pages going on about how smart you really are-

Sirius

And how nobody appreciates my talents-don’t forget that one.

James

And now you’re calling me the smart one!

Sirius

Yes…you’re point being?

James

You’re absolutely right.

Sirius

Well…go ahead…end it.

James

Ahem.

Sirius

…

James

…

Sirius

That’s it!

James

No! Hold on a minute.

Sirius

I’ll hold on as long as I can, but I don’t think it’ll do much good.

James

You’re blocking my concentration!

Sirius

Boy, how did I manage to do that?

James

Shut up! You’re the one who’s too scared to end it!

Sirius

No I’m not!

James

Go ahead, then!

Sirius

The End. There.

James

That doesn’t count.

Sirius

What do you mean that doesn’t count? It ended it, right?

James

If it ended it, then why are we still talking to each other?

Sirius

That’s none of your concern.

James

Oh my gosh…

Sirius

What?

James

You’re giving me a headache again.

Sirius

Again? This happens often?

James

If I were a muggle, I’d be overdosing on aspirin.

Sirius

Not funny.

Emmablk1

Guys, you can’t even end a stupid fic right?

James

You mean you wanted us to end it?

Emmablk1

Well, at the staff meeting you said you wanted more responsibilities, right?

Sirius

Oh yeah…

Emmablk1

Then do it correctly!

Sirius

Ok!

James

On behalf of the entire Marauders and their staff-

Sirius

We wish to wish a merry Christmas!

James

Wrong holiday.

Sirius

I mean…a lovely fourth of July!

Emmablk1

That one’s already passed!

James

And it’s an American Muggle holiday!

Sirius

Uh…Happy…End of the Fic?

Emmablk1

Good enough.

James

And have a happy new year!

Emmablk1

Do you know the words to the muggle song ‘deck the halls’?

James

No.

Emmablk1

Then make it up as you go!

The entire cast

Deck the halls with lots of dumgbombs!

Falalalala, lalalala!

‘Tis the season to smell stinky!

Falalalala, lalalala!

Don’t follow me as I set them off!

Falalala, lalala, lalala!

Or we’ll get punished and get kicked off! (the Quidditch team, that is…)

Falalalala, lalalala!

Emmblk1

Remind me never to sing with you guys again.

Remus

Or at least to not try harmony.

Peter

Or make up a song as you go.

Lily

Yeah that really stunk.

Emmablk1

Sigh.

Emmablk1: July 23, 2005

11:25 pm

5. Part 5

Introducing…

The Amazing…(because I didn’t ever think I’d make this)

The Talented…(no, not the fic; the characters)

The Miraculous…(because, as I said, I didn’t think I’d get this far)

Interruptions, Part Five

Otherwise Known As The Works of Madness Continued…

tears up my gosh…I didn’t think I’d ever write five whole things fics of this! And for those of you who are worrying…No, this one is not 63 pages…lol. It will be the usual length. I told you that the only reason the last one was so long was that I thought it would be the last one.

Most of you are laughing at me right now, aren’t you?

Ok…read and review.

Luv u all!

Lily

Remus…I have something important to tell you and I don’t know exactly how to say it.

Remus

You’re not going to do something stupid, are you?

Lily

Uh…no.

Remus

Like, for instance, dye your hair, get a bad perm-

Lily

I like my hair just the way it is, thank you.

Remus

-get a tattoo or pierce your nose or break up with James or start dating Sirius or-

Lily

Remus!

Remus

What-OUCH!

Lily

Sorry.

Remus

It’s alright.

Lily

You were stuck in a loop. I had to do something.

Remus

Sorry. Sirius wouldn’t let any of us go to sleep last night.

Lily

He made his stomach talk again?

Remus

Worse. He and James got drunk and started to sing show tunes. There was no way that Wormtail and I could have gotten out of it.

Lily

I am eternally ashamed of my husband.

Remus

You mean that you couldn’t hear them?

Lily

I soundproof all of our walls whenever you guys come to visit.

Remus

What was is that you wanted to tell me?

Lily

Oh…I don’t know how to tell you this.

Remus

Lily, we’ve been friends for eight or nine years and you can’t trust me?

Lily

Ok, but you can’t tell James.

Remus

Uh oh.

Lily

What does that mean?

Remus

It’s just that whenever someone tries to hide something from James he finds out.

Lily

That’s ridiculous.

Remus

Sirius tells him.

Lily

That makes sense.

Remus

So…

Lily

So…

Remus

Are you going to tell me?

Lily

Sigh. Ok…Remus…I’m pregnant.

Remus

That’s wonderful! You and James are going to have a baby! …it is James’, right?

Lily

Ewww! Yes!

Remus

Good.

Lily

But I don’t know-

Remus

Whether it’s a boy or girl?

Lily

No.

Remus

If you’re going to allow James to appoint Sirius as Godfather?

Lily

No, but I’ve got to talk to him about that.

Remus

How to tell James that you refuse to name the kid Rufus?

Lily

Close…keep guessing.

Remus

I can’t think of anymore.

Lily

Remus, you’re supposed to be the smart one!

Remus

Sorry! I don’t get to talk as much when Sirius and James are around.

Lily

Sigh. I just don’t know how to tell James.

Remus

We don’t have to tell him yet.

Lily

We have to tell him sometime.

Remus

Don’t worry! Everything will be fine.

Lily

Thanks. I guess that all we can do for now is drop some subtle hints.

Remus

Subtly doesn’t usually work with James. He’s too thick-headed.

Lily

It’s all we can do right now. I’m not ready to tell him yet.

Remus

C’mon. let’s go get some chocolate.

Lily

Is that your answer for everything!

Remus

Sometimes.

Yay! We brought back Harry, Ron and Hermione!

Harry

Sigh.

Ron

What are you so depressed about?

Harry

It’s just that now that you and Hermione are officially ‘together’ I’m kinda lonely.

Hermione

You could date Ginny again.

Harry

I can’t, remember? Dark Lord Voldemort, too dangerous, blah, blah, blah…

Hermione

Well there had to be something to do around here.

Ron

Besides helping Phlegm and Bill get ready for their wedding, you mean?

Hermione

Ron, suggesting that they use trolls as bridesmaids and goblins as groomsmen wasn’t called being helpful.

Harry

Right. It’s called being bloody brilliant.

Hermione

No, its called being annoying.

Ron

C’mon. You knew you thought it was funny.

Hermione

No I didn’t.

Ron

Admit it! You think I’m funny.

Hermione

Ron, be quiet.

Ron

You think I am half the time.

Hermione

Well…

Ron

Yay! She loves me!

Hermione

I never said that!

Ron

You were thinking it.

Hermione

Were not!

Harry

Sigh.

Ron

What’s the matter, Harry?

Harry

Haven’t we been over this already?

Ron

Oh, yeah…the whole ‘no-dating-until-you-vanquish-he-who-must-not-be-named-rule.’

Hermione

I think he’s getting depressed.

Harry

I am not!

Ron

Denial.

Harry

Argh!

Ron

Whoa! Harry…think a minute before you hex me! I’m your best mate, right?

Harry

Sorry. The whole teenage brooding thing is getting to me again.

Hermione

I think that we should make a list…

Ron

Not with the lists again…

Harry

She’s your girlfriend.

Hermione

…of all the things that we could be doing, but are too lazy to.

Ron

Hmmm…

Harry

Hmmm…does that count as brooding?

Hermione

Yes.

Harry

Then let’s do it!

Hermione

Alright…#1. we could be reading.

Ron

You planned this, didn’t you?

Harry

Hermione! Lay off the books, will ya?

Ron

Yeah!

Hermione

Oh, I don’t know what you’re yeah-ing about, Ronald! You still haven’t finished Hogwarts, A History and you started it back in first year!

Harry

That’s one overdue library book. Madame Pince is going to have your arse.

Ron

You know why I haven’t read all of it yet, Hermione? Because it’s boring! B-O-R-I-N-G!

Hermione

You take that back!

Ron

No way, picklefray!

Hermione

Picklefray?

Ron

Picklefray?

Ron

It was the only thing I could think of that rhymed.

Harry

Ok, new #1. Instead it’s ‘we could be playing Quidditch.’

Ron

Much better.

Hermione

Oh, really! Is that all you two think about?

Harry

Yes.

Ron

Yes.

Hermione

Honestly. I’m going to find Ginny.

Ron

…

Harry

…

Ron

Want to play chess?

Harry

Yeah, all right.

Back to the Marauders! Yay!

Sirius

James! James! I’ve got to talk to you!

James

When you say ‘I’, do you mean you or your stomach?

Sirius

Me.

James

Wow. You must actually be serious.

Sirius

What do you mean? I am Sirius.

James

I let myself fall for that one, didn’t I?

Sirius

Yep.

James

Remind me never to do that again.

Sirius

I’m sorry, what?

James

Don’t make me hurt you.

Sirius

Like you even could.

James

That’s interesting. Care to bet on that?

Sirius

No thanks. You still owe me money from the last time we were betting. I don’t trust you anymore.

James

Oh for Merlin’s sake…

Sirius

Don’t you try to deny it.

James

Why are you even here?

Sirius

You invited me into your lovely home, remember? Boy, what a mistake that was…

James

No, I mean-

Sirius

Peter and Remus are here also, remember?

James

That’s not what I meant-

Sirius

Is Lily hitting you too hard over the head? Is that why your brain is no longer working?

James

WILL YOU JUST LET ME FINISH A SENTENCE!

Sirius

Well, technically I just did.

James

Shut up.

Sirius

Oh, wait…you wanted to know why I came over here to tell you something?

James

Yes...please hurry up…

Sirius

I don’t know if you’re going to like this.

James

Oh no…what is it?

Sirius

In fact, I know that you’re not going to like this.

James

Tell me, Padfoot…

Sirius

Maybe I should just leave well enough alone.

James

Since when have you ever done that?

Sirius

Hmm…good question.

James

Will you just tell me!

Sirius

I think…well…I think that…erm…Lily and Remus are…uh…how to phrase this so that you don’t explode on me…

James

What is going on here!

Sirius

IoverheardLilyandRemustalkingandIthinkthatLilyischeatingonyou!

James

WHAT!

Sirius

You could understand that?

James

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

Sirius

Wow…maybe I underestimated your listening ability.

James

LILY AND REMUS!

Sirius

I know…they’re complete opposites.

James

This isn’t the time to make jokes, Sirius…

Sirius

o…k….

James

Tell me straight…did you or did you not hear Lily and Remus cheating together?

Sirius

Well…it’s either that or she’s pregnant.

James

I’M GOING TO KILL REMUS!

Sirius

Did you even hear me?

James

WHERE IS HE!

Sirius

Uh…James? I just thought of something…

James

beep beep beep

Sirius

Ouch…I don’t think we’re allowed to show that on a fanfic…

James

That’s not the point!

Sirius

Sorry.

James

Excuse me, I have to go and kill them both now.

Sirius

No wait! You can’t do that!

James

Why not!

Sirius

Because if you kill Lily she’ll come back and haunt you and if you kill Remus, then…well…we don’t need him to copy homework from anymore…but…he probably knows the answer to the ultimate question of life or whatever.

James

Humph.

Sirius

Trust me on this one. I have a plan.

James

Those are not the words I really want to hear right now.

Sirius

Hey, my plans are always good ones!

James

And they always landed us in detention!

Sirius

Details. It was all usually your fault anyway.

James

Sigh…ok…you’re calming me down…what’s your great and mighty plan?

Sirius

Thank you for recognizing its beauty.

James

I’m going to hit you.

Sirius

Well, at least you gave me warning this time.

James

Get one with it!

Sirius

Ok, ok! Sheesh…we need Wormtail for this.

James

…

Sirius

What!

James

Wormtail? Since when have we needed Wormtail?

Sirius

Since…now.

James

And what, pray tell, do we need him for?

Sirius

For the plan! Have you been paying attention?

James

Yes!

Sirius

Just checking.

James

Just tell me what the plan is supposed to be.

Sirius

We use Wormtail to spy on Remus and Lily.

James

No.

Sirius

No! Why!

James

Because it is statistically proven that Peter cannot spy.

Sirius

Really? Statistically?

James

99 of 100 people surveyed say that they have witnessed him trying to spy on them. Badly.

Sirius

Wow. Who was the one person who didn’t see him?

James

That would be a sleeping portrait.

Sirius

Those odds aren’t so good.

James

See my point?

Sirius

Well, he’s the only person we’ve got.

James

But why does it have to be Peter?

Sirius

I just told you why.

James

But…but…we could get…uh…that guy from school to do it…who was it?

Sirius

I don’t know. Did he have hair and eyes?

James

Stop being a smart alec.

Sirius

Well, at least you admitted that I’m smart.

James

We have to think of someone else.

Sirius

Why are you so dead-set against having Peter do it?

James

…

Sirius

James, is there something that you’re hiding from me?

James

…

Sirius

You know that I can read your mind, right?

James

…

Sirius

I’m going to bite you if you don’t tell me.

James

I think he’s in love with Lily.

Sirius

…

James

Sirius?

Sirius

…

James

Very funny. Don’t try to hold back. You can laugh.

Sirius

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

James

You think I’m being a little irrational?

Sirius

No! I’m just trying to picture Lily with Peter!

James

Oh, thanks for the mental image.

Sirius

Now we HAVE to have Peter do it!

James

Agh…fine.

Sirius

Yay!

James

You’re torturing me on purpose, aren’t you?

Sirius

No, I’m just having too much fun messing around with your life.

James

I was afraid of that.

Sirius

It’s not that scary!

James

Would you want you to be in control of your life?

Sirius

…

James

Confused?

Sirius

Yes…

James

The answer is ‘no.’

Sirius

Oh.

James

Where is Peter, anyway?

Sirius

Flirting with Lily?

James

Don’t even tease me with that.

Sirius

Sorry.

James

Wait, he just walked in.

Sirius

Now, how do we do this without him screwing it all up?

James

….

Sirius

What?

James

You didn’t consider that before you brought me this ‘great’ plan of yours!

Sirius

Uh…Peter! How nice to see you!

Peter

Uh…hi?

James

What’s the matter?

Sirius

Yeah, why do you look like you’re afraid that we’re going to pounce you?

James

Besides the fact that we’ve done it before?

Peter

I know those looks.

James and Sirius

What looks?

Peter

They mean that you two are going to make me do something I don’t want to do.

Sirius

How did he know that?

James

Well, he is our only guinea pig.

Peter

I am not a pig!

Sirius

No, it means a test animal.

Peter

Oh…I am not a test animal!

Sirius

We’re not getting anywhere with this approach.

James

New tactic!

Sirius

Peter, how would you like to aid us with helping James and Lily out?

Peter

Why, is their marriage in trouble?

James

Not unless it has to be…

Peter

James’ vein is popping out on his forehead again.

Sirius

James, control you’re temper; you’re scaring Peter.

Peter

What do you mean by ‘helping’?

Sirius

By….oh, you know, a little of walking around where Lily is without her seeing you….some more of following her where ever she goes…that sort of thing.

Peter

You mean to stalk her?

James

…

Sirius

…

James

Do you even know what that means, Wormtail?

Peter

I know that someone almost put a restraining order against me because of it.

Sirius

…

James

…

Sirius

Not even going to go there.

James

Sigh…it’s not stalking, Peter, it’s called spying.

Peter

Oh.

James

Whew. That could have lead to something potentially disastrous.

Peter

You know I’m not very good at that, right?

Sirius

Well, as long as there’s a fine line between spying and stalking then that doesn’t really matter at the moment.

Peter

Alright, I’ll do it.

James and Sirius

Yay!

Peter

Why are you guys so insistent that I do it, anyways?

Sirius

…

James

…

Sirius

Go ahead, James. Tell him your theory.

James

Shut it.

Sirius

James thinks that Remus and Lily are doing the naughty.

Peter

The…what?

James

You…don’t…know what…that is?

Peter

Uh…no?

James

Oh. My. Bloody. Hel-

Emmablk1

Hey, we can’t say things like that in a PG fic.

James

Yeah, yeah.

Emmablk1

Sorry. Just thought that I should point that out. I’m terribly sorry for the lapse in the storyline.

Sirius

ANYWAYS…James thinks that Remus and Lily have betrayed him.

Peter

They’ve done what now?

Sirius

Oh my gosh….how to explain this in the simplest terms…?

James

Let me try. I think that Lily and Remus are cheating on me with each other.

Peter

Huh? In what game?

Sirius

In the game of looove.

James

You didn’t have to say it in such a deep voice.

Sirius

It’s called ‘ambiance’ look it up.

James

I would if it even existed.

Peter

I’ve never played that game. What’re the rules?

Sirius

AGH! James thinks that R-E-M-U-S and L-I-L-Y are having S-E-X behind his back!

James

I cannot believe you just wrote that.

Sirius

Well, technically I spelled it out, not wrote it out.

Peter

…

James

Peter…?

Sirius

Does he get it now?

James

I don’t know…he’s not saying anything.

Sirius

He looks frozen.

James

Hmm…now the question is whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Sirius

Peter?

Peter

I’ll help you.

James

Even though Sirius traumatized you for life?

Sirius

Are you sure you’re ok? You’re white and shaking.

Peter

I’ll help as long as you never repeat that word to me again.

Sirius

Yeesh, where does he think we are- middle school?

James

Apparently.

Peter

You won’t repeat it, will you?

Sirius

Fine. But we’re still allowed to talk about it after you’ve left the room, right?

Peter

As long as I don’t know anything about those conversations.

Sirius

Okay.

It’s time for a little Hermione, Harry, and Ron time before we get into the final stages of Peter spying on Lily and Remus…(They’re here for comic relief!)

Hermione

…

Ron

…

Harry

…

Hermione

That’s all we’re here for!

Ron

Comic relief!

Emmablk1

Well…when I get stuck on the marauders it’s just easy to come and write for you three instead.

Harry

Oh I see how it is, then.

Emmablk1

See how what is?

Harry

We’re just the back-up singers in your band.

Emmablk1

Huh?

Ron

I agree.

Hermione

How unusual.

Emmablk1

Huh. Well, first of all, if I did have a band, I wouldn’t go so far as to have back-up singers. I’d be the star.

Harry

Nice use of self-control.

Emmablk1

Thank you. And second of all…who’s in this band of mine? It’s all hot guys, right? Because that would be great!

Ron

…

Harry

…

Hermione

…

Emmablk1

Sorry.

Harry and Ron

You should be.

Hermione

You should just get back to the story now.

Ron

Yeah, and leave the comic relief to us.

Harry

Ron, that’s exactly what we were fighting against.

Ron

Oh. Right. I knew that.

Hermione

Lo and behold, viewers; my boyfriend.

Ron

Hey, you were the one who picked me.

Hermione

And I never regretted that choice.

Ron

And I never regretted accepting that choice.

Harry

Egh. This isn’t going to turn into one of your ‘you’re cuter!... no you’re cuter!’ types of things, is it?

Emmablk1

Oh god I hope not.

Harry

Because if it is, I want to get out of the room before it starts.

Hermione

Snookiepus.

Ron

Sweetums.

Emmablk1

Oh gosh…c’mon Harry, let’s go find some food.

Harry

Yeah, maybe getting myself fat will distract myself from Ron and Hermione.

Emmablk1

That’s the spirit.

And, finally, after that short break, we (The Infamous Marauders) are back to finish the story!

Lily

I just wanted to thank you so much for keeping my secret, Remus.

Remus

You’re welcome, Lily.

Lily

I also just wanted to say thanks for not letting it slip up at the dinner table as to why I couldn’t drink the wine last night.

Remus

No problem.

Lily

I also wanted to thank you for also not telling James the truth whenever he stopped talking to you last night for no apparent reason and almost sucker punched you when you kept bugging him about it.

Remus

Uh…it was nothing?

Lily

I just wanted to say what a good friend you are to me for not saying anything to Sirius when he gave you the third degree and rambled on about ham for three hours trying to cover up the fact that he thinks you’re up to something.

Remus

Uh…Lily? You can stop thanking me now.

Lily

Why?

Remus

It brings up painful memories.

Lily

Oh, right. See, I should have realized that when James saw the little baby clothes that I had snuck into the house and he thought that you had done something crazy (which I’m not exactly sure what he was talking about) and tried to punch you again. And that he really hit you on the side of your jaw.

Remus

Really. Shut up now.

Lily

Oh. Sorry.

Remus

Lily, I’m not really sure how long I can keep this up.

Lily

The secret?

Remus

No, the fact that I’m a werewolf…yes the secret!

Lily

I thought you might say that, but I’m really not ready to tell James the truth yet. I mean, everything’s finally settled down from post-wedding apocalypse.

Remus

True. But I think that everything will be a lot calmer if you actually told him the truth.

Lily

Not to mention that he’d stop trying to hit you less.

Remus

Yes. That too.

Lily

Why was he so crazy last night, anyways?

Remus

I’m pretty sure it’s because he thinks we’re having an affair. Or, rather, you’re having an affair…I’m not really sure on how that all works.

Lily

Oh, please. He couldn’t think that!

Remus

Then why is Peter spying on us?

Lily

I just assumed that he was stalking me again.

Remus

Again!

Lily

Well, there was this time in third year when I felt like I was constantly being watched.

Remus

And it was Peter!

Lily

Well, yes. But it all turned out ok.

Remus

…

Lily

It really did!

Remus

I’m sure.

Lily

Believe what you will.

Remus

Lily, James sent Peter to spy on us to make sure we’re not actually cheating on him.

Lily

But why would he send Peter? He’s the worst spy ever.

Remus

Because James would have killed me with anticipation by now, fueled by jealousy. And Sirius would have burped…or something of that nature.

Lily

True.

Remus

Do you think he knows that we know that he’s watching us?

Lily

No. He’s just kind of sitting there behind the couch. Apparently he can’t hear us at the kitchen table from over there.

Remus

Deafness comes with growing up with James and Sirius.

Lily

Ah. Wow, that explains a lot.

Remus

Yeah. I know.

Lily

I guess I should tell him the truth, then.

Remus

It shouldn’t be as hard as you’re making it out to be.

Lily

Remus, have you ever had a husband?

Remus

No…

Lily

Have you ever been pregnant and had to tell said husband that you were so?

Remus

Uh…that would be a no. And always a no.

Lily

Then you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Remus

Fair enough.

Lily

I’ll go find James.

Remus

I believe he’s in your bedroom with Sirius.

Lily

Why does that sound so wrong?

Remus

They’re planning on how to make us confess.

Lily

Oh, good. That was the answer I was hoping for.

To Sirius and James once again…

Sirius

So I think that we should start with Remus first. He should crack sooner than Lily on the whole subject.

James

Good plan.

Sirius

Who’s knocking?

James

I don’t know.

Sirius

Go away! We’re…uh…naked!

James

Sirius!

Sirius

What?...oh. sorry.

Lily

And why would you be naked in my bedroom?

James

It’s my bedroom too!

Lily

Just let me come in. I have to talk to you.

Sirius

She’s going to confess without the fun of torture!

James

Sirius, that’s a good thing, remember?

Sirius

Yeah, I know. I was just having fun with plans that we never had time to use on the Slytherins.

James

Some other time, Padfoot.

Lily

I’m just going to let myself in since neither one of you can physically get up and walk two feet over to open the door.

Sirius

I’ll be leaving now.

James

So you wanted to talk to me? And this would be about…?

Lily

James, I have something to tell you. It may come as a shock.

James

Oh god.

Lily

Now, I’ve been talking to Remus for support and we think that-

James

Just come right out and say it; I can handle it!

Lily

Uh…ok…

James

Really, you don’t have to dumb it down for me-I’m a full grown man!

Lily

Well, then if you really want to know, I’m-

James

AGH! I knew it! You and Remus are going off together to a tiny island and never coming back!

Lily

No, I’m just-

James

Going to go to another part of the country because you’re both so partial to England, right?

Lily

Uh, No. I’m really-

James

Sorry that it had to be this way and you hope that I can forgive you in time, even though you know that once you and Remus leave forever, then I will most likely throw myself off a cliff and have to leave the house to Sirius.

Lily

NO! Don’t do that!

James

Oh. Okay.

Lily

James, what I’m trying to tell you is that…that…

James

You’re…?

Lily

I’m pregnant.

James

…

Lily

James?

James

…

Lily

Do you have some kind of reaction to this, or do I have to pretend like you do?

James

…

Lily

Sweetie?

James

…

Lily

Now would be a good time to say something. Anything.

James

You’re…you’re…pregnant?

Lily

Erm…that’s what the doctor told me.

James

Really pregnant?

Lily

It’s kind of hard to fake a pregnancy.

James

Wow…oh…wow.

Lily

Yeah? Is that good or bad?

James

Good. Really, really good….so you’re not in love with Remus, then?

Lily

NO!

James

Oh, wow…this is great!

Lily

Yeah? You think that?

James

Can we name him Rufus!

Lily

…

James

Lil?

Lily

The name Rufus is not an option.

James

Oh…how about Tom?

Lily

We can debate names later, James. And who says it’s going to be a boy?

James

I do. Dave?

Lily

James…

James

Larry?

Lily

Really, you can stop.

James

Jackson?

Lily

Now.

James

Stanley!

Lily

I swear, if I start out this pregnancy with me banging my head against the wall every time we start thinking of names, I’m going to hurt you.

James

Ooh…mood swing?

Lily

Don’t name my symptoms!

James

Sorry.

Sirius

Well, it sounds like everything’s back to normal.

Remus

Yep. Hey, where’s Peter?

Sirius

Still behind the couch. I figure that’s the safest place for him for the moment.

Remus

Excellent idea.

Sirius

I know.

And that concludes this chapter’s events. Stay tuned for new mini random shorter chapters that should be popping up pretty soon here. I just know you’ll love them!

Sirius: you say that about every fic that you write.

James: yeah, and look how sorry your reviews are for some of them.

Shut up. That’s not my fault.

Remus: and who’s fault would that be, then?

Uh…Satan’s?

Lily: That’s your excuse for everything.

Sirius, Remus, and James: Too True.

1/7/06, Emmablk1

Interruptions

1. Part One

2. Part 2

3. Part 3

4. Part 4

5. Part 5

6. Semi-Chapter 1