My Konstantine

dumbles

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 22/04/2006
Last Updated: 22/04/2006
Status: completed

Song-fic to 'Konstantine' by Something Corporate. I wrote this at 2am so apologies if it's bad!

Chapters

1. My Konstantine

1. My Konstantine

Title: My Konstantine

Rating: PG-13

Summary: H/Hr song-fic based around the song ‘Konstantine’ by Something Corporate

~*~

Konstantine. Constant Teen. I guess that’s what you are to me. But it’s been a long time since we were teenagers… a long time since we were… since we were… well, I’m not quite sure what we were.

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
It's always you and my big dreams

You wrote to me and asked me to meet you here today. I’m not quite sure why. When you found out the truth you said you didn’t want to see me again. I’ve been thinking about you for the past five years… been thinking about where you are… what you’re doing… whether or not you made your dreams came true…

I actually saw you once, about eighteen months ago… you were at Diagon Alley… you walked straight past me, as if you didn’t even see me… I want to ask you if you saw me… did that get you thinking about me again… is that why you wanted me to be here today?

And you tell me it’s over

Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover

And you’re restless

And I’m naked

You’ve got to get out

You can’t stand to see me shaking

No, could you let me go

I didn’t think so

Of course I knew back then I couldn’t keep it a secret from you. I knew all along. And that’s what made me so god damn guilty. Knowing what I’d done to you. Knowing what I’d done to us.

She wasn’t meant to be there when you got home. Not in the way she was. I was meant to be ending it. It had gone on for too long. I needed you, Hermione, not her. I was meant to be ending it…

I don’t think you believed me when I told you that. She fled when you came in and you were silent. It was the silence I couldn’t stand. I wish you had yelled and screamed and let your feelings out. But all you did was stand in silence. I was shaking… I knew what you were thinking…

You walked out, only pausing to say one thing.

‘I never want to see you again.’

But you didn’t mean that… today brings proof of that…

And you don’t want to be here in the future

So you say

The presents just a pleasant

Interruption from the past

And you don’t want to look much closer

‘Cause you’re afraid to find out all the hope

That you had sent into the sky by now had crashed

And it did because of me

We had never discussed what our relationship was, do you remember that? When we came together we were both so hurt, so broken. Our broken hearts is what led us to each other.

You would always avoid the subject. ‘Harry,’ you would say, ‘let’s not over-analyse this. Let’s just let it be.’.

I think you were just glad that you didn’t have to focus on everything. On how our lives had worked out. I think you didn’t want to admit that you were hoping that it would end so you could move on. You were stuck in limbo between the past and the present when you were with me. You placed all your hope in me and I failed you.

And then you bring me home

Afraid to find out that you’re alone, no

And I’m sleeping in your living room

But we don’t have much room

To live

We’d been at the pub the night it first happened, do you remember? It was random chance that we met there that night. I had never seen you how you were that night. You were so… uninhibited. You were letting go, or so you said. And I let go with you.

Of course, when I woke up in your bed, unsure of how I got there, I knew what had happened. Why we had met by random chance. The fates were conspiring to bring us together. We had to let go.

And I had dreams that I would learn to play guitar

Maybe cross the country

Become a rock-star

And there was hope in me

That I could take you there

But dammit you’re so young

But I don’t think I care

And if I hurt you then I’m sorry

Please don’t think this was easy

I had dreams before… before this. I wanted to travel… no responsibilities, no ties… just me and my car, exploring the country- no, the whole world. It was all I wanted to do.

And then you blew into my life. Or should I say back into my life. It had been three years since Hogwart’s had closed, after Dumbledore’s death. Two years since Voldemort’s downfall. We never talked about that. It was too close to the surface still, too raw.

I decided to take you with me, on my travels. But you weren’t interested. You had your own dreams to follow. And I guess that’s when the downward spiral began… it’s where I met her…

I never meant for it to happen, when I met her. She was a friend at first, some company. You were always gone for long periods… not that I blame you. Not in the slightest. It was all me. And I’m sorry.

And then you bring me home

Cause we both know what it’s like to be alone, no

And I’m sleeping in your living room

But we don’t have much room

To live

I moved into your flat after sixth months. It was impractical for one of us to keep commuting halfway across the country. I packed up my belongings and parked them in your living room.

Of course, you couldn’t bring yourself to admit that I lived there. I was just staying for a while was how you’d phrase it. You could never bring yourself to admit anything about what we were.

Konstantine came walking down the stairs

Doesn’t she look good

Standing in her underwear

And I’ve been thinking

And I’ve been thinking, no

But she’s been drinking and it doesn’t get me anywhere

I saw you walking down the stairs before you saw where I was sitting.

And you took my breath away.

All I could see in my minds eye was the week that we spent in Paris. We stayed in a villa and I was waiting for you so we could go to dinner, when you came down the stairs, wearing nothing but your bra and knickers. And when I looked into your eyes I saw something I had only seen once before… you had the look you had the first night we… fully met…

I realized then that you were drunk… it had been so long since you had offered yourself to me… it hurt to think that you would only offer yourself to me if you were drunk, cause dammit, I loved you.

My Konstantine came walking down the stairs

And all that I could do was touch her long, blonde hair

And I’ve been thinking

And it hurts me thinking

That these nights when we were drinking

No they never got us anywhere

No

I walked over to the stairs and waited at the bottom for you. You had changed so much, yet so little. Five years is a long time to not see a person. You’re hair was longer, and blonder and I stroked it gently. You closed your eyes and smiled slightly.

I’ve spent so much time thinking about how things were back then and how they could be better this time around… if there’s going to be a this time around… I don’t know why you wanted to see me, but judging from your smile it wasn’t to beat me up for my mistakes…

Having you stand next to me, smiling, feeling your skin near mine, sends an excitement through me that I haven’t felt for years. Those night’s that we had towards the end… they didn’t mean anything… we had fallen apart by then… they just cut the wounds deeper…

This is because I can spell confusion with a K

And I can like it

It’s to dying in another’s arms

And why I had to try it

It’s to Jimmy Eat World

And those nights in my car

When the first star you see

May not be a star

I’m not your star

Isn’t that what you said

What you thought this song meant

Oh, Hermione Granger, how you confuse me. You stand here now before me, as if nothing had ever changed. Yet you were so passionate about keeping me away from you…

I haven’t seen her since… I felt so guilty that I couldn’t think of her without thinking of what I wrecked between us. But at the same time, I couldn’t walk away from her without at least seeing what could have been… and I feel like scum…

Remember when we used to find some remote little corner of our world and sit in the car for hours and watch the sun set and the stars rise. We would sit in complete silence for two, maybe three hours and just watch. Once night had fallen and all the stars were out, we would go back home.

And if this is what it takes

Just to lie with my mistakes

And live with what I did to you

All the hell I put you through

I always catch the clock

It’s 11:11

Oh Harry, just being here, in this place with you… it brings back so many memories… good and bad…

I know you feel bad for what you did and I wish there was some way I could tell you not to be… we both made our mistakes… I didn’t realise what was really going on with you until it was too late… I put you through so much… I wish I had’ve wrote you long before now… every night I wake up at 11:11 and remember walking into the tiny, tiny flat and seeing you and her… it still cuts like a knife but I think I put you through more hell… you’ve been punished enough…

Now you wanna talk

It’s not hard to dream

You’ll always been my Konstantine

They’ll never hurt you like I do

I don’t know how far we’ve walked and I don’t really wanna stop. You’ve been talking for so long now that I think you might lose your voice, but I don’t want you to stop talking. Because once we stop walking and you stop talking, I’m going to want to grab you and hold you and not let you go…

You’ll always be mine, Hermione. You will never be loved how I love you and because of that you will never be hurt like how I hurt you.

This is to a girl

Who got into my head

With all the pretty things she did

Hey, you know, you keep me up in bed

This is to a girl

Who got into my head

With all these fucked up things I did

Hey, maybe

Baby, you could keep me up in bed

My Konstantine

From the first time I met you on the train, going to Hogwarts, I couldn’t get you out of my head. It’s sad to admit, I know. But you just stuck in my mind. I could never get your voice out of my head and as I grew older and fell more in love with you, your voice became the voice of reason in my head.

And even when I was with her, fucking things up how I did, your voice was in my head, pleading with me to stop. I wish I had listened. We wouldn’t be here now. Things would be a little different.

You spin round me like a dream

We played out on this movie screen

Did you know I miss you

Did you know I miss you

Did you know I miss you

Did you know I miss you

Did you know I miss you

I miss you

Oh god how I’ve missed this voice. I’ve missed every part of you. Not a day went by where I wasn’t thinking of you. I wonder if you realise that. I dreamt about you every night.

I just needed you back with me.

And then you bring me home

And we go to sleep

But this time not alone

And I know

And you’ll kiss me in your living room

I know

I know you miss me in your living room

Cause these nights I think

Maybe that I miss you in my living room

But we don’t have much room

I said does anybody need that room

Because we all need a little bit more room

To live

We arrive at the building before I even realise where we are. For the first time on our walk you’re silent as you take my hand and lead me up the narrow stairs.

We stand outside the door for a long time, silent. This is where it all began. This is where it all ended.

You unlock the door and we go inside slowly. The exhaustion of the days, weeks, months and years that led us to this moment takes hold and we collapse onto the tiny bed and just hold each other tight, neither of us talking.

I awake first and I go and sit in the small living room. You join me, maybe half an hour later, and kiss me hungrily on the lips. I’ve missed those kisses. And I think you have too. I’ve missed this flat, this living room, but most of all this girl in this living room.

My Konstantine