A Fractured Fairy Tale

A Fractured Fairy Tale

A Harry Potter Fanfiction

By E. C. R. Potter

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and situations belong to J. K. Rowling and her publishers. All other references belong to their various owners. Bottom line, I own nothing save the plot (and even that’s borrowed).

Summary: Draco as Prince Charming? Hedwig an expert at Raptor Martial Arts? Snape in Bunny Slippers? Has the world lost its mind? Well, where else are you going to find Ron and Neville singing ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’? Read and find out in this Shrek/Shrek 2 inspired parody featuring everything from the Death Eater Mafia to the Marauders Rock band. Featuring several ships including H/Hr (of course), R/LL, L/J, D/anything in a skirt, and H/C (though not the one everybody thinks).

A/N This long ficlette was inspired by Dreamworks Pictures’ Shrek and Shrek 2 as well as the ‘Fractured Fairytales’ segment of The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle which is where the title comes from, not to mention a whole slew of other stuff. I started writing it about two weeks before “Half Blood Prince” came out only to abandon it after the book was released (I could no longer find HP funny for a while) before eventually coming back to it. This fic is not, I repeat, is NOT meant to be taken seriously. This is all just meant to be laugh out loud fun, so I’d better hear some laughing going on here or I’ll be seriously disillusioned in my writing abilities. And so, without further ado, let us begin...

Once upon a time (because all fairy tales must begin with those words; kinda like the unwritten rule of the fairy tale. Kind of a convenient beginning isn’t it? A time could mean any time from the past to the present to even the future though it usually refers more to the former than the latter two. But eh, I’m getting off topic, just enjoy the fic) there was a land whose name I have no idea what it is because quite frankly, I can’t be bothered to come up with a name. I mean most likely, whatever name I come up with is going to be so stupid that it probably wouldn’t be worth coming up with in the first place. Oh what the heck, just call it Magic Land. Anyway, within the heart of this Magic Land lived a prosperous peasant family, the Grangers. For years this family, which comprised of the father, mother, and their bright young daughter Hermione, lived happily. However, that all came to an abrupt end one day when the mother succumbed to illness and passed away.

The father mourned greatly and eventually found some form of ‘comfort’ when he married a pureblooded noble woman by the name of Delores Umbridge (he was very, very, very, very, very, VERY depressed) but alas, he never fully recovered and died soon afterward (three guesses as to why), leaving a devastated and lonely Hermione in the care of Delores Umbridge and her two nieces she cared for: Pansy Parkinson and Milicent Bulstrode.

It soon became apparent that Umbridge had only married Hermione’s father for his money: after all, for what other reason would a pureblood marry some muggle peasant? Merely days after the death, Umbridge seized all of the Granger lands and wealth for herself and her nieces. Hermione became a personal slave to them, forced to dress in rags and work every hard labor chore from dawn to dusk. Pansy especially relished in tormenting Hermione in many ways possible while Milicent often just sat back and enjoyed the ‘show’. Hermione faced many a degradation from her surrogate family: the highly vulgar term ‘mudblood;’ was practically an alternative to her name.

Hermione dealt with the abuse with a strong face and a fierce determination. She was exceptionally studious and constantly scored perfect marks and beyond during school. This was especially aggravating to Pansy who forced Hermione to work harder every time she outscored her (which was all the time). Though she appeared to be dealing with everything well on the outside, in truth Hermione was in the deepest pits of misery and often cried herself to sleep at nights. She only had one companion: a talking, orange cat by the name of Crookshanks, a gift from her parents before they had died. Crookshanks often tried to use his quick humor and sarcasm to cheer Hermione up, the least he could do. It was only when she was talking with Crookshanks that Hermione ever truly smiled.

Now, this story takes place during Hermione’s 17^th year when there was an announcement from the benevolent, righteous, and fair king and queen of Magic Land. At least, all of the propaganda pamphlets said they were benevolent, righteous, and fair and that was what you told other people when there was a soldier standing behind you fingering his sword; it was quite possible that the reality of the rule of King Lucius and Queen Narcissa of the house of Malfoy wasn’t quite so. Anyway, that year King Lucius and Queen Narcissa announced that they would be having a Ball in honor of their son Prince Charming, who’s real name for records sake was ‘Draco’ though he preferred ‘Charming’. The general gist of the whole thing was that the Prince would choose a bride from amongst the pureblood ladies of the population whom would be invited.

As president and founder of the ‘Official Prince Draco ‘Charming’ Malfoy Fan Club’ Pansy Parkinson was purely elated by this news, as was nearly every single girl in their school (which was practically the entire population as it was an all-girls school).

“Just think of the ball,” said Pansy to the fan club as they gathered at the front of classroom, “to think that the Prince will be right there, all dancing and swaying.” All the girls screamed. “And then to imagine that he will choose his bride from one of us.” All the girls screamed again.

“Oh please!” scoffed Hermione from a few seats back. “Who would want to be Draco Malfoy’s bride anyway? He’s such an arrogant and pigheaded diva.”

All the girls stared scandalously at Hermione, as if she had just uttered a great blasphemy. “Blasphemy!” screamed one of the girls, Lavender Brown. “Blasphemy! How dare she speak of Charming that way? How dare she call him ‘Draco’!”

“Now, now forgive my step sister, she is just an ignorant mudblood afterall,” said Pansy. “Not to worry girls, I will deal with her myself later.” Her eyes glinted maliciously.

“You know Pansy, this whole ‘mudblood’ thing is really getting old. Can’t you come up with any better insults?” said Hermione.

“Can’t we just ignore her and speak more about the ball?” said another girl, Parvati Patil. “I heard that the band the King and Queen hired is going to be ‘The Marauders’.” The girls screamed again.

“The Marauders?” said Hermione suddenly perking up. ‘That’s my favorite band. But I thought they didn’t like the Malfoys, why would they be playing at their ball?’

“Oh the Marauders,” said Parvati’s sister Padma. “They’re so talented. Lead guitar James Potter is to die for.”

“Too bad he’s been married to lead singer Lily Evans for nearly 20 years,” said Cho Chang. The girls all sighed.

“But bass guitarist Sirius Black is still single. He’s so dreamy,” said Marietta Edgecombe. The girls all oowed.

“Keyboard Player Remus Lupin isn’t too bad either,” said Hannah Abbot. More owws.

“What about their drum player?” asked Susan Bones. “What was his name again?”

“Peter Pettigrew?” said Mandy Blokenhurst. “Who cares about him?” The girls giggled.

“Order! Order! We’re supposed to be Prince Charming’s fan club!” snapped Pansy. “Now can we get back to him?”

* * *

“So let me get this straight,” said Crookshanks as he lounged about on Hermione’s small bed. “You want to go to the ball because...”

“I want to see the Marauders,” said Hermione as she rummaged through her clothes in her tiny chest.

“And the fact that Prince Draco Malfoy is choosing his bride has nothing to do with this,” said Crookshanks.

“Of course not,” said Hermione. “You know full well that I hate the Malfoys with a passion.”

“I was kinda worried that you might’ve changed your mind,” said Crookshanks. Hermione laughed.

“Oh Crookshanks, you can be so precious,” she said. After rummaging through her clothes a little longer, Hermione gave up and flopped on her bed. “Why is it that all I own are rags?” she muttered.

“Do you really want me to answer that?” said Crookshanks.

“You don’t need to,” said Hermione. “It’s just that...” Hermione stopped talking when she heard the doorbell ring followed by Delores answering the door. “Now I wonder who that could be,” said Hermione. She got up and left her tiny room, making her way down the stairs only to receive an unpleasant surprise.

The guests were none other than a neighboring family called the Dursleys. The patriarch Vernon Dursley was a big, beefy man with a bristling mustache and a face that always appeared to be twisted into a scowl of some sort. His wife was Petunia, a bony woman with a long neck that made her resemble a horse. The fat and piggy looking boy next to them was their son Dudley, whom was leering at Hermione in a way that made her feel very uncomfortable. What was most surprising of all was that the Dursleys were muggle peasants, and Hermione had long been under the impression that Delores didn’t associate with their kind. For that matter, the Dursleys were a highly prejudiced and oppressive lot themselves and thus Hermione disliked them as well.

“Ah ha! Here she is right now,” said Delores upon seeing Hermione.

“That’s her?” said Petunia. “She doesn’t look like much.”

“I’ve seen prettier,” said Dudley. “But she’s not too bad. I could do with her.”

“W-what are you all talking about?” asked Hermione, beginning to feel rather apprehensive.

“What does it look like, girl?” snarled Delores. “I’m arranging your wedding.”

“WHAT?” exclaimed Hermione.

“She’d better be worth it,” snapped Vernon. “And that dowry better be rather sizable to.”

“Yes, yes, I’ll give you anything just to get rid of her,” said Delores impatiently. “And your son may have a test go at her to see whether she’s actually worth it or not?”

“WHAT?” exclaimed Hermione once more, this time her voice somewhat apprehensive.

“Oh, Mummy, mummy can I?” said Dudley like a kid in a candy store.

“Wait till the wedding Dudley, two weeks from now,” said Petunia. Dudley looked disappointed but was still grinning sickeningly.

“Two weeks?’ said a disbelieving Hermione.

“Well then, the deal is settled,” said Delores as she ushered the Dursleys to the door. “Mark my word that she will be ready in two weeks.” As soon as the Dursleys were gone, Delores turned to a shocked Hermione and smiled, “You’ve better be grateful I’m actually arranging all this rather than dumping you out on the street like I should have! In two weeks we’re finally going to be rid of you once and for all! Now don’t just stand there, start sweeping the hall!”

* * *

“They can’t do this to me! They just can’t do this to me!” ranted Hermione as she paced around her room. “Married? To Dudley Dursley? This is unacceptable! I’m calling my union!”

“You don’t have a union,” said Crookshanks.

“I’ll join one. Found one if I have to.”

“And who’s going to join this union of yours?” asked Crookshanks. Hermione merely continued pacing her room, ignoring her cat.

Crookshanks let out a cat sigh and said, “Look, maybe we should deal with this later. Why not just forget about this whole marriage business for the time being and just go to the ball?”

“That would be a good idea except that I don’t have a dress,” snapped Hermione.

“I’ll take care of that for you,” said Crookshanks.

“How?”

“I’ll ask the author.”

“The author?”

The author?

“That’s right,” said Crookshanks. “Think you can write up a dress?”

Hey, hey now wait a minute. You characters aren’t supposed to be talking to me. I’m writing this down.

“Well, you’re the one writing down this conversation aren’t you?” said Crookshanks. “That means that you wrote this fic so that we can talk to you.”

Smart-alecky cat!

“So how about it?”

OK, OK, I’ll write it down. Let’s see now... In the blink of an eye, a beautiful periwinkle dress robe suddenly appeared on the bed. Hermione was rather surprised to find that the dress matched her perfectly (quite naturally as I’m writing the dress that way so don’t be surprised Hermione).

“A dress is that all? We’re trying to make her look like a princess here,” said Crookshanks.

OK, OK. I’ll throw in a silver tiara decorated with a single emerald and several diamonds, and some earrings and a gold pendant necklace as well. How about that is it good?

“Its perfect,” said Hermione, beaming as she put on the entire ensemble.

Yeesh, don’t I get a thank you?

“Why would you need a thank you for?” asked Crookshanks. “You’re the author. You’re writing this the way you want to write it so it’s all pretty much your work anyway.”

We author’s are never appreciated.

* * *

“Welcome to the Malfoy Manor gala ball! I am Lee Jordan reporting from the red carpet. And this is my co-anchor Katie Bell.”

“Thank you Lee.”

“Well Katie, what do you think? The lights are all on like its Christmas around the manor. The crowds are gathered and boy what a crowd it is. I can hardly hear anything over this crowd.”

“Yes, it is rather raucous isn’t it? Oh, look at the first guest who’s arrived? Why, its Magic Land idol Cedric Diggory! Oh, I could just swoon right now.”

“Don’t want that now would we?” said Lee. “And here’s Fleur Delacour and following her is international sports superstar Viktor Krum! Oh look, there’s Oliver Wood as well. Boy, what a guest list!”

“Oliver once asked me out on a date. I haven’t given him my answer yet.”

The girls in the crowd were all clamoring trying to get a hold of Cedric Diggory and Viktor Krum. They were all silenced when Krum’s personal agent, Igor Karakoff appeared and shooed them all away, looking menacing with his crooked goatee. “Now, now Viktor, there is no worry about anyone trying to get you out here, the bodyguards are all standing at the ready,” he said.

“But there vasn’t any need to send all ov them avay,” said a frowning Viktor. Karakoff merely ushered him inside of Malfoy Manor (which is in reality a palace since the Malfoys are the royal family after all).

“Oh, that Viktor’s agent can be so annoying,” said Katie.

“Ah, but what ever are you going to do about that?” asked Lee.

“Nothing, it’s just...” the cheers of the crowd suddenly tripled as a high class limousine suddenly pulled up. “Gasp! Oh my! Oh my! Can it be? Is it he? Yes! It’s none other than Prince Charming himself, Draco Malfoy!”

The cheers of the crowd grew even louder as Draco Malfoy stepped out, looking as handsome and dashing as ever. Surrounding him were his two personal body guards, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, wearing black suits, sunglasses, and a wire in one of their ears. The picture goes into slow motion as Draco swings his golden locks around cause damn blast it, he’s freaking handsome.

“That’s right! I am freaking handsome! Worship me mere mortals for I, God’s gift to women am walking amongst you!” said Draco, as he blew kisses to the crowd. Some of the girls started swooning. “Ah, a sad day it is that only one of you may have the distinct honor of being my bride, but laws are laws. Of course, there is no problem if any of you wish to have an extra tryst.”

The girls started screaming again, “Charming! Charming!” Personally, I can’t see what’s so damn blasted ‘charming’ about this guy.

“That’s because you’re just a pathetic author,” said Draco. “You lack the beauty and charm that is mine and mine only.”

I’m ignoring you Draco. Anyway the cheering crowds continued to swarm as Draco made his way to the palace, blowing kisses and displaying his perfect teeth to any girl nearby. A reporter wearing large bug like spectacles made her way through the crowd and stuck a quick-quotes quill into Draco’s face. “Your highness, I am Rita Skeeter of the Daily Prophet. Do you have time for an interview? My photographer Bozo shall do a photo shoot as well.”

“Of course, I always have the time to better my name,” said Draco as he swung his hair around. “Is this my good side? Now, let’s start the interview shall we?”

“Of course,” said Rita. “Your highness, this ball is...” Rita’s questioning was broken short abruptly when a beat up, shabby black van suddenly pulled up to the palace. Draco was livid that his interview and photo shoot was cut short by this van that clearly didn’t belong at his ball and was about to order the van away when a girl in the crowd screamed, “It’s the Marauders!”

(If any of you’ve got Counting Crow’s “Accidentally in Love”, start playing it now)

The van swung open as a tall, messy raven haired man with hazel eyes and glasses stepped out of the van holding the hand of a lovely red haired, green eyed woman: the husband and wife musicians James Potter and Lily Evans. The crowds went wild as they made their way down the red carpet. Lily smiled and waved shyly before she whispered to her husband, “Why are we playing here James? I always thought one of our rules was that we would never have anything to do with the Malfoys.”

“Blame Peter, he’s the one who booked this gig,” said James as he made a quick wave.

“Oh, they make such an adorable couple,” said Katie while gushing. “And here’s Sirius Black!” The crowds absolutely went wild as the handsome, longish black haired man strode forth with a megawatt grin and a wave to the crowd.

“Hey everyone, how have you all been?” said Sirius. Several of the girls started swooning.

“Mr. Sirius Black,” said Lee while thrusting his mike into Sirius’s face, “Is it true that your band only took this gig as a favor to your cousin, Queen Narcissa?”

Sirius looked somewhat uncomfortable. “Er, while is true that she’s my... cousin, I’m a- afraid Peter’s the one who booked the gig so... Narcissa and I... urm...” Luckily, Sirius was spared answering the specifics about his relationship with his cousin by the timely arrival of Remus Lupin (amidst more cheers).

“Of course, Sirius is happy to be playing for anybody, kin or kith,” said Remus into the mike. “Wherever the sounds of music are needed, we go.”

“Thank you Mr. Lupin,” said Lee. Sirius and Remus made their way away from the crowds toward the palace.

“Thanks Moony, I owe you one,” said Sirius. “Dog gone it, sometimes I wish I could just come out and tell the world that I completely and utterly despise my cousin Narcissa.”

“And lose your head for speaking out against the Royal Family,” said Remus. “Padfoot, why do I always have to run damage control for you like this? Just fib a little: you used to do it all the time when we were kids.”

“Oh enough of that lets just catch up with Lily and Prongs,” snapped Sirius.

Finally, as if like a grand finale, Peter Pettigrew stepped out of the van waving and blowing kisses to the crowd shouting, “Thank you! Thank you everybody! It is a most wonderful honor to be playing today and I am ever so grateful that...” Very gradually, the cheering of the crowds died down to the point where the only things that could be heard were crickets chirping or perhaps a baby crying (if you’re still playing “Accidentally in Love” turn volume down to zero). “Oh whatever!” sulked Pettigrew as he stormed into the palace.

Within no time the party was in full swing. Lots of pomp and circumstance as the various high-class socialite guests mingled and danced around the extravagant ballroom. Draco walked around swaggeringly, observing his doting admirers. “Now, now, let’s see if any of you are truly worth being my bride. There may not be any, my standards are high of course, though I wouldn’t mind an illicit arrangement when any of you every now and then.” Many of the girls swooned.

Draco was still walking around the crowds when a different girl caught his eye, in particular because she wasn’t part of his adoring crowd. She was wearing a deep periwinkle blue dress robe accented by her tiara and some modest jewelry. She wore the most minimum of make up, just some blush and some lip gloss. Her brown hair was held up in an elegant knot and perhaps most importantly, she was paying more attention to the Marauders setting up their equipment then to Draco. Yes, yes, my readers, unless you haven’t guessed already, it’s Hermione.

Draco put on his most charming grin and started making his way over to Hermione, his fans starting to feel apprehensive. Hermione was so absorbed in watching the band that she didn’t notice Draco approaching until he was just behind her.

“Hello, my dear,” said Draco in his deep, ‘sexy’ voice (male audience, gag now).

Startled, Hermione jumped a little and turned around to see ‘Prince Charming’ standing behind her wearing a flirting grin. Flustered, Hermione managed to paste a grin on her face and said, “Oh, h-hello your highness.”

“I have never seen you before, are you on the guest list?” said Draco in his still flirtatious voice.

Not wanting to tell the prince that she had snuck in, Hermione managed to say, “Er, no. I’m visiting from a foreign land. I’m sorry, I should’ve...”

Draco smirked and exclaimed, “Ah-ha! I knew you were a foreign princess!”

“What?” exclaimed Hermione, completely surprised.

“And thus, the only one worthy enough to be my bride.”

“Huh?”

“Ladies and gentlemen!” exclaimed Draco to the crowd. “Allow me to introduce to you my bride, the Princess!”

“What?” shouted Hermione, though it was lost in the thunderous cheers of the crowd and the wailing of the fan club.

“Chaaaaaaaaaaarming! How could you?” wailed Pansy, who conveniently couldn’t recognize Hermione for the sake of plot purposes. Before Draco could say anything more, the next event took place.

A plump man, the Royal family’s perpetual yes man Minister Cornelius Fudge stepped up onto a dais and announced, “Their Royal Majesties, King Lucius and Queen Narcissa!”

A long velvet curtain parted to reveal a winding, marble staircase. A scarlet carpet rolled down the stairs as the trumpets started blasting their music with cherubs flying around them playing harps. Rose petals started raining upon the crowd from the ceiling, and in the background the choir was singing in their dramatic voices, “Hail to the King! Hail to the Queen! Hail to the Prince! Hail to Malfoy!” The spot light centered on the top of the stairs as King Lucius and Queen Narcissa descended the stairs in dramatic fashion, wearing the most splendid purple robes and the most glittering jewelry (rather superficial, ain’t it?).

“I must congratulate you my son, in successfully choosing your bride,” said Lucius while smirking. Draco beamed while Hermione’s jaw dropped.

“Indeed, my son,” said Narcissa. “And now, you must complete the task.”

Draco paused. “Task? What task?”

“Why the official task performed by all Malfoys when they choose their bride, remember?” said Lucius. “You must now rescue your bride from the tower of the Task-Master.”

“What? The Task-Master?” exclaimed Draco.

Lucius nodded while Narcissa gestured toward their body guards, Crabbe and Goyle Seniors (dressed same way as their sons) and said, “Lock her up in the tower of the Task-Master.”

“Wait! There’s been a misunderstanding...” Hermione unfortunately couldn’t finish her sentence as she was whisked away by the guards.

“Whoa! Whoa! Hold it! What do you mean by the Task-Master? I have to go up against that oaf?” demanded Draco.

“Well of course you do,” said Lucius. “It’s part of the Royal tradition.”

“But must I seriously degrade my royal status by performing such grunt work fit only for commoners and peasants by associating with the Task-Master? That’s insulting!”

“He’s got a point,” said Narcissa.

Lucius shrugged. “Very well then, we’ll have someone else do the job for our son. Potter! Evans!”

James and Lily, who were cleaning up their instruments groaned quietly. “Yes, your majesty?” said Lily.

“Tell me, your son is a knight isn’t he?” asked Lucius.

“Yes he is,” said James. “Harry didn’t exactly have the chops to make it as a musician so he entered the knighthood instead. It suits him quite well actually.”

“Send for him,” said Lucius. “We have a job for him.”

“Now, now hold up here,” said Sirius. “Just what kind of job do you intend to put my godson through?”

“Just a favor to your cousin, Sirius,” said Narcissa. “You wouldn’t turn down a favor from your cousin would you?”

“Look Sirius, you don’t have to worry about Harry. He can handle whatever the Malfoys throw at him,” said James, placing a hand on Sirius’s shoulder. Sirius nodded reluctantly.

“I’ll go owl him,” said Lily.

* * *

It was a bright sunny morning with birds chirping and branches swaying. A young squire by the name of Neville Longbottom was reading the newspaper ‘The Daily Prophet’ while keeping up with his master’s steed: quite a feat given that he was lugging a load of packages, pots and pans on his back. “Hmm, let’s see here,” said Neville. “How about that? ‘Prince Charming chooses bride at ball.’ Will you look at that? Looks like ole’ Draco’s finally ready to settle.” He offered his paper to his master.

“Oh please,” said the knight as he grabbed the paper, crumpled it up and tossed it over his shoulder. “Like I could care about what Draco Malfoy does in his free time.” (Start playing “All Star” by Smash Mouth) The knight, Harry Potter by name wore rather beat up but still in good condition armor, had a scarlet cape, and ruby encrusted sword, messy black hair, green eyes, and a lightning scar on his forehead (what, you expected me to change Harry’s appearance?). The steed he rode was not a horse, but rather a hippogriff, from the eagle head, wings, and talons and the horse hindquarters. “It sure is a beautiful day, isn’t it Buckbeak?” asked Harry.

“It sure is,” said the Hippogriff. “Now, if only there were some ferret to eat, it would be a better day.”

“Sorry, we’re out of ferrets,” said Neville. “I’ll get some at the next town.”

“You don’t have to burden yourself so much, Neville,” said Harry. “You can just load up all the equipment on Buckbeak and I can walk.”

“Hey! Don’t I get a say in that?” cried Buckbeak.

“No, it doesn’t matter,” said Neville. “Harry’s the knight, Buckbeak’s the noble steed, and I’m the squire. It’s our jobs.”

Before anybody could say anything more, a snowy white owl swooped down. “Hedwig!” exclaimed Harry, “How wonderful to see you. You got something for me?”

“Don’t I always have something for you?” said Hedwig. “Honestly Harry, you must know by now how the plot goes that if the messenger suddenly shows up she must be carrying a message. That’s how it always goes in fiction. And in a Harry Potter fanfiction such as this one, owls are always the messengers. Anyway, I’ve got a letter from your mother.”

“From Mum?” asked Harry as he took the letter from Hedwig. He scanned over the letter before shouting, “MALFOY MANOR?! WHAT THE BLASTED HELL ARE THE MARAUDERS DOING WITH THE MALFOYS AND WHY DO THEY WANT ME TO JOIN?!”

“Beats me, I’m just the messenger,” said Hedwig.

“Malfoy Manor?” said Buckbeak. “Usually, I love ferrets but the ‘ferrets’ in that place give me the willies.”

“What are these ‘willies’ and where can I get some?” asked Neville. “Will the ferrets in Malfoy Manor give them to me? For that matter, I didn’t know the castle had ferrets; just nasty people.”

“Trust me squire, I was only speaking metaphorically,” said Buckbeak.

“Oh enough of this jabber,” said Harry. “Let’s just get to the castle and see what business this is. Then, I’m going to start sending threats to the author for putting me through such a hard time.”

Oh dear, I’m afraid for my life now.

* * *

Harry strode up to the posh and clean gates of Malfoy Manor with his group behind him. “Must I go too?” wailed Hedwig, Neville, and Buckbeak all at once.

“Yes,” said Harry. “I’m going to need the moral support.” He knocked three times on the door.

“Who goes there,” demanded a nasty sounding voice. A small window opened up on the door and the castle’s caretaker, Argus Filch poked his head through. “What the hell do you want?” he demanded.

“Sir Harry Potter here to see the Marauders,” said Harry.

“None can pass here without the password,” sneered Filch. Harry simply drew his sword and pointed its tip at Filch’s face. “Then again, I suppose I can make an exception,” said Filch nervously as he starred at the pointy end of Harry’s sword. The window on the gate closed and the gates flung wide open with a large creak.

“Why thank you,” said Harry as he and his troupe walked through the gates. Filch sneered as they walked past. At his feet, his cat Mrs. Norris was observing them closely.

“Why hello, handsome,” said Mrs. Norris seductively as Buckbeak walked past. Buckbeak gagged as Hedwig looked down at the cat with disdain.

“Pay no attention to her,” said Hedwig haughtily. “She’s just a bitter old feline.”

The troupe entered the main courtyard of the castle only to find that it had been remodeled into a make shift coliseum of sorts. They were standing on a large field while the stands surrounding them were filled to the brink with crowds of people. The bright blue sky shone over them and everywhere, the cheers rocked the very ground itself. “What is going on here?” Harry wondered aloud.

“Harry over here!” Harry looked over to see that it was his godfather Sirius Black that had called him over. “There you are Harry. We were wondering what was taking you so long.”

“I wasn’t in too much of a hurry to get here,” said Harry.

“Understandable,” said Sirius.

“Oh Harry, thank God you’re here,” said Lily as she came forward and smothered an embarrassed Harry with kisses. “Oh my, you’re looking a little thin. Have you been feeding him properly, Neville?”

“Not my job, ma’am,” said Neville.

“It’s OK, Mum,” said Harry. “I’m always a tad thin. You know that. I take after Dad.”

“That he does,” said James. “Sorry to call you up here son but you know we can’t refuse an order from... them.” The last word was spat out.

“What do they want me for?” asked Harry.

As if on cue, Lucius Malfoy suddenly stepped out on his podium high up on the stands and cried, “Welcome Harry Potter. You have selected for a most honorable quest!”

“There’s actually something honorable coming from him?” said Remus.

“He must have a warped idea of ‘honorable’,” said Hedwig.

“Indeed most honorable,” said Lucius. “You have been selected to rescue the princess from a distant land, my son’s bride from the tower of the Task-Master!”

“Wasn’t that Draco’s job?” said an incredulous Harry.

“Don’t call me Draco!” shouted Draco from next to his father.

“Nonetheless,” said Lucius ignoring his son, “You must first prove your worth. Before you embark on the quest, you must first prove your worth by beating up 30 of my best warriors!”

“I don’t have a choice in this do I?” asked Harry as he made his way to the center of the arena.

“No,” answered Lucius. “Let the beating commence!”

“Ladies and Gentlemen!” bellowed a voice from the top announcing box. “Welcome on this beautiful day to the first beat ‘em up knights day! I am Ludovic Bagman, announcing today’s match! And to my left is my first commentator Bartemius Crouch!”

“This match is pointless. It should be the young prince going to the task, not a substitute knight,” said Crouch.

Bagman continued, “And on his left is my second commentator, Gilderoy Lockhart!”

“Harry Potter does appear to have a certain amount of flair,” said Lockhart, “With a little grooming, he just might happen to look as pretty as me.”

OK, for the sake of making this sequence easier, I’m going to write this in play format.

Bagman: OK, here comes the referee Hooch out to start the competition.

(Rolanda Hooch steps out into the middle of the arena and performs the sonorous charm on herself)

Hooch: Harry Potter, are you ready? In that case, let’s get ready to rumble! (Start playing “Let’s get ready to rumble”)

Bagman: Potter steps out on the arena. Is it just me or does he look a little exasperated?

Crouch: Hmph, he’s just resigned to the pointlessness of the whole fiasco.

Lockhart: That exasperated look is no good. He’s got to learn to smile more if he wishes to make the front cover of Witch Weekly.

Bagman: The first warrior steps up to Potter... OH! Oh that’s got to hurt. One warrior down, here comes another one... WHAM! Whoa, that’s an excellent knock out punch. Two warriors down, Twenty eight to go.

Crouch: Potter is using effective moves with the minimal of movement. Very clever.

Lockhart: Potter has a serious lack of style. No grace, no finesse. Of course, no one can compete with my finesse and grace.

Bagman: Potter knocks out two more burly men with a one-two combination punch and kick. How does that kid do it?

Crouch: Surely absurd! This fanfiction author has lost his mind! Potter’s taking out men three times his size and he’s as skinny as a prune!

Lockhart: All those hulking, ugly men make me shudder. I couldn’t bear to even touch them the way Potter is able to.

Bagman: Well now, Potter’s got his next victim... er opponent in a choke hold and, wait, he’s about to do something... WHAT’S THIS? Good heavens! Potter does one of those looks-damn-good, impossible-to-do-in-real-life super combo moves from some kind of fighting video game!

Crouch: Absolutely absurd! Those moves are physically impossible for any human to make for even a wizard never the less a street fighting grappler!

Lockhart: I take back everything I said about Potter lacking style. Those combo moves look nearly as good as mine.

Crouch: You? Those moves? Ha! In your dreams. You couldn’t do those moves if your life depended on it.

Lockhart: Oh? You want me to try them on you? I would do so if I didn’t think it was so revolting to touch you.

Crouch: Why you little...

Bagman: While my commentators have been bickering, Potter has managed to take out several more opponents. His current opponent is struggling in a sleeper hold placed on him by Potter’s tag partner/squire Neville Longbottom as Potter prepares the offense. WHOA! That was one heck of a two-platoon attack.

Crouch: Since when were tag teams allowed in this competition? If I were the judge, Longbottom should’ve been removed from the arena!

Lockhart: That was a very delicate two-platoon attack. Nice and smooth. Fall was a little botched though.

Bagman: And now, there’s only one warrior left! Large thing, must be part troll... Good heavens! That is a troll!

Crouch: A troll? THAT’S AGAINST THE RULES!

Lockhart: Ack! A TROLL! (faints)

Bagman: Potter draws his sword. Troll charges Potter brandishing club. Potter bonks troll on head with blunt side of blade. Troll collapses to the ground (whole arena rumbles as troll collapses). Potter wins competition!

(Hooch strolls out and raises Harry’s arm up)

Hooch: WINNER!

OK, back to normal narrative.

Draco’s fan club was starring at Harry. One of them, Cho Chang said, “Oh my, Harry Potter’s so cool. And so cute.” Suddenly, about half of the fan club suddenly sprang screaming “WE LOVE YOU HARRY!” at the top of their lungs as the rest of the crowd cheered. The other half of the fan club looked scandalized.

“How dare you cheer for any other than ‘Charming’!” hissed Pansy.

“But Harry is so much dreamier,” said Cho, “and we can actually call him by his real name.”

“Why you little...” Pansy leapt at Cho and before anybody could stop them, the entire fan club was divided into a large scale cat fight.

“Well done, Harry Potter,” said Lucius. “You have proven yourself worthy. Now, go and rescue my son’s bride.”

“What? Doesn’t he get to spend some quality time with his family?” asked Lily.

“No,” said Narcissa, rather nastily.

“Its OK Mum,” said Harry. “I’ll just complete this task in a jiffy and come back home by supper time tomorrow night.”

“Well be careful Harry,” said Lily, giving Harry a hug, “and don’t forget to brush your teeth before going to sleep.”

“I know, Mum.”

“Take care son,” said James. “And don’t forget, you’re vulnerable to kryptonite.”

“No, I’m not Dad.”

“Yeah, I know. Just take care.”

* * *

That night, Lucius was wandering around the castle feeling rather pleased with himself. “And you were worried that we would have to send Draco to meet up with the Task-Master,” he said to Narcissa.

“Yes, if all goes well, our son will be married in a matter of days,” said Narcissa.

“Indeed,” said Lucius with a smirk. “My heir shall be married as his bride starts churning out more heirs for him and the hold the Malfoys have on the kingdom shall be extended. Life couldn’t get any better.”

“Oh is that so, dear brother in law?” said slinky voice. Lucius and Narcissa spun around to see a raven haired woman in a sexy black outfit leaning against the pillars in a somewhat provocative way with a smirk on her ruby red lips.

“Bella?” said Narcissa. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh I’m here to see your husband, Cissy,” said Bellatrix. “Well, actually to be a bit more specific, He wants to see you.”

“He?” said Lucius. His already pale face turned completely white and the king gulped nervously. “H-He wants to see me?”

“Do I have to repeat myself?” snapped Bellatrix. “He’s waiting in the limo just outside. Now come on.”

Looking completely frightened, Lucius followed his sister in law out of the castle and toward a large, black limousine. Bellatrix opened the door and said, “Get in.”

Gulping, Lucius entered the car and found himself sitting in between two burly men wearing business suits, dark glasses, and appeared to be carrying firearms (or lethal wands since this is after all the “Harry Potter” world). Lucius instantly recognized the two as Walden McNair and Antonin Dolohov. Gun moll, Bellatrix Lestrange slid into the seat across from Lucius next to a sinister, red eyed, smirking man in a hood and business suit whose fingers were touching C. Montgomery Burns style (from The Simpsons). “Why hello, your majesty,” said the red eyed man.

Lucius tried to swallow as he managed to stutter, “D-Don Voldemort. To what pleasure may I owe this surprise visit?”

“Pleasure?” said Don Voldemort. “No, no, no Lucius, you know that it’s always about the business. That’s what it’s always been about: business. And quite frankly, I’m none too pleased about your side of the business partnership.”

“H-how is that Godfather?” stuttered Lucius.

“Rumor has it, that you sent this other knight to complete a task that was rightfully supposed to go to your son,” said Don Voldemort. “And I couldn’t help but wonder whatever possessed my dear friend Lucius to do such a thing as that?”

“To go on this task would mean that Draco would have to associate with the Task Master!” said Lucius. “I could never let any Malfoy to do something as degrading as that!”

“A valid point,” said Don Voldemort. “But really now, Lucius, young Draco is poised to take over the family business someday. And to work in the business means that you’re going to have to get down and dirty with oafs like the Task Master. Now, how ever am I going to tell the family that the one whom will be taking over the business is too chicken to deal with even the likes of the task master? What ever will the family think?”

“I-I hadn’t really thought of that,” admitted Lucius. “B-but what am I to do?”

“Hmm,” said Don Voldemort. “Well it so happens to be that I happen to have some business to conduct with this Harry Potter myself; personal business, but business none the less. It would be such a shame if Mr. Potter were perhaps to meet some untimely accident.”

“I-I understand Godfather,” said Lucius stepping out of the car. “I’ll take care of the business.”

“See that you do,” said Voldemort. With that, the door to the limo shut closed and the limousine drove away into the night.

* * *

Later that night, Lucius stole away to a local pub called The Three Broomsticks in the village of Hogsmeade, disguised as a vagabond. Knocking on the door of the seedy pub, he sucked in a breath as the small window at the top opened up to reveal a feminine eye. “What do you want?” she demanded.

“Ah, Rosmerta, I have some business to discuss with your employers,” said Lucius.

“Now what the bloody hell would you of all people want to see them for?” demanded Rosmerta.

“None of your business, jus let me in,” hissed Lucius.

Rosmerta sighed and opened the door. Lucius walked into the run down pub to find that is was mostly deserted: only a ginger-haired tramp was sitting at the bar. Lucius took a stool at the bar when the tramp looked toward Lucius. Lucius felt nervous (and a little nauseous) as the tramp drew closer, and closer, and closer, and closer, and closer, and closer, and closer, and closer, and closer, and closer, and closer, and closer, and closer...

(Random fanfic reader yells “GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!)

Just as the tramp was about arms length away from Lucius, an old man with a peg leg and a large, magical eye came up and grabbed the tramp snarling, “That’s enough Mundungus Fletcher!”

The tramp was startled but hid it as he said, “Mad-Eye Moody! Whatever could I’ve done?”

“I know you Dung,” snarled Moody. “Trying to pull a fast one on one of the patrons. Well I got you this time.”

“Now, now Mad-Eye. I was only trying to welcome this guest here,” said Fletcher.

“Like hell you were,” snarled Moody. “And besides, you’ve been selling a bunch of ‘miracle potions’ to some of the patrons that have been frequenting this bar.”

“They said it made them lose weight,” said Fletcher.

“Possibly given that there was nothing but colored water in those potions,” snarled Moody. “Come on Dung, I’m taking you to the slammer and this time I’m going to make sure you’re not getting out this time for a long time.”

Lucius breathed a sigh of relief as Moody dragged Fletcher out of the pub. The head bar tender, a robust, red-haired woman with a gentle countenance came up to Lucius and said, “Sorry about that. Mundungus always tries to pull some scheme on the people here. I would like to throw him out but my husband tends to take pity on him so he always ends up here. At least Mad-Eye always...” she suddenly recognized Lucius and her entire demeanor turned frosty. “Oh, it’s you,” she said.

“Molly Weasley,” said Lucius. “Is your husband here?”

“Right behind her, like always your... majesty.” A tall, red haired man came up behind his wife saying the last word acidly. “What do you want?” he demanded.

“Temper, temper Arthur,” said Lucius. “I only wished to propose some business with you.”

“Oh really, and I thought you thought of yourself as too high to be associating with us,” snarled Molly.

“And I suppose if I were not king you would demand that I leave your pub,” said Lucius. “Not to worry, I have no intention of staying in this... pub longer than I need to.”

“What do you want?” demanded Arthur again.

“Tell me, one of your sons is in the mercenary business, is he not?” said Lucius. “Well it so happens that I am in need of his services. How may I contact him?”

After regarding Lucius for a moment, Arthur tossed a piece of paper at him. “That’s all the contact information of our sons,” said Arthur. “Is that all you wanted?”

Lucius studied the paper. “Let’s see now... ‘Curse breaking banker’... ‘Dragon Tamer’... ‘Lemming like Ministry stooge’, I assume it’s your fourth and fifth sons the ‘Court Jesters’ who wrote this paper. Ah, here we go: ‘Mercenary for hire’.”

“If that’s all that you wished for than I kindly ask that you leave this pub, your majesty,” said Molly. Lucius arrogantly shrugged and walked out of the pub.

Merely minutes later, Lucius entered a dark room of a building known as the Burrow, not too far from the pub. At the other end of the room sat a man hidden mostly in shadow except for a pair of boots on his feet that were on the table in front of him. “I hear that you have some business to conduct, your majesty.” If Lucius had noticed the sarcasm laced in the word “majesty”, he didn’t mention it.

“You are the Mercenary for hire,” said Lucius.

“I am,” said the man. “Will this offer be worthwhile?”

“I want you to kill a certain knight,” Lucius said. “You will be paid most handsomely.” To demonstrate his point, Lucius threw a sack filled with coins on the table. A rapier flashed from the dark slashing at the sack: several gold coins spilled out.

“You have my services at your disposal,” said the man. He twisted a lock of his hair which even in the shadows one could tell was bright, fiery red (Oh, like you really can’t guess who this is).

* * *

“Hmph! Cowardly fools the Malfoy family is!” snapped Hedwig as she flew up ahead of the rest of the group, “forcing poor Harry to go on this quest when that dratted prince is supposed to go.”

“Not much point in complaining about all that,” said Harry. “Let’s just finish the job and be done with it.” He and his group were currently trekking uphill a rocky, desolate path, the sky looking rather gray and all the trees nearby dead.

“I’m all for that,” said Neville. “But anyway, what the heck is that smell? Buckbeak you didn’t have some kind of moment did you?”

“I beg your pardon?” said Buckbeak incredulously. “I most definitely did not have a ‘moment’ as you called it.”

“Its brimstone,” said Harry. “We must be close.”

“I disagree, Harry,” said Neville. “I know the smell of brimstone and that is most definitely not it.” No sooner had Neville said that did the group cross over to the other-side of the hill and caught sight of the fortress tower of the Task-Master. It was a tall castle-like dungeon, designed in a gothic style of the Dark Ages complete with gargoyles. It was located on a small island, only accessible by a single rickety vine bridge, surrounded by a lake of burning lava, sulfur, and...

“Oh look, brimstone,” said Neville.

“Maybe you were confusing the smell of brimstone with the smell of your toad,” said Hedwig. “Speaking of which, where is he?”

“Trevor?” said Neville. After thinking for a bit he looked puzzled and said, “I don’t know. In fact, I don’t even remember when was the last time I ever saw him. I wonder where he is now.”

(brief scene change)

We now go to some tropical island, on some exotic beach. There, lounging in a beach chair is Trevor the toad, wearing sunglasses and a lei that are too large for him and sipping martini from a glass his size. Hula girls are attending to his every beck and call and aloha music plays in the background. Trevor looks toward the audience (pretend this is on a screen) and says, “Now you know why I’m always trying to escape Neville. I’ve had reservations to this place for years!”

(back to regular scene)

“Oh who care’s about Trevor?” said Harry. Let’s just cross the bridge already.”

The troupe crossed the bridge easily enough (which despite its rickety shape somehow supported all of their weight, even Buckbeak) and made it to the fortress. Standing in front of them, between them and the main doors was a huge, 12 foot tall man with beetle like eyes and very, very shaggy hair and beard. At his feet was a shaking, slobbering dog.

The big man looked at them all and scratched his head. “Wha’s this? None of yeh are Draco Malfoy.”

“T-they still look scary enough to me,” said the dog. “E-especially that owl. S-she reminds me of that c-cat that barged into here earlier.”

“Cat? Cat?” demanded Hedwig. “How dare you compare me to a mere feline!”

“A cat barged into the fortress?” said Buckbeak.

“Tha’s right,” said the big man. “Quite a vicious fellow. Says he belongs to th’ princess who’s stayin’ ‘ere up tha’ tower. Scared th’ bejesus outta Fang ‘ere.” The dog, Fang, cowered on the ground at the memory.”

“Wait a minute, you’re the Task-Master?” asked Harry.

The big man chuckled. “Tha’s right. Rubeus Hagrid’s th’ name. Task-Master of Azkaban Fortress is meh job.”

“Weren’t you groundskeeper of Hogwarts?” asked Neville.

“Well in this fic I’m th’ Task-Master, got tha’?”

“And this strange looking building behind you is supposed to be Azkaban?” asked Harry.

“In this fic it ‘s,” said Hagrid. “Now, I know none of yeh are young Malfoy but I still have to do meh job. Ta enter the tower, yeh need ta defeat meh beauts in mortal combat. Usually I send ‘em out one atta time but this fic’s long enough as it is so ‘ere go all four at once!”

“Well, they can’t be too bad if they’re ‘beauts’,” said Neville, cheerfully.

“Task #1, NORBERT!” shouted Hagrid. A giant fire-breathing dragon flew in from the East.

“Task #2, FLUFFY!” shouted Hagrid. A giant three-headed dog bounded up from the South.

“Task #3, ARAGOG!” shouted Hagrid. A giant old looking spider crawled over from the West.

“Task #4, GRAWP!” shouted Hagrid. A giant and I mean literally an 18 foot tall giant strolled over from the North.

“I stand corrected,” said Neville.

“Well, well, well, how shall I do this? Medium or well done?” said Norbert.

“Let me at ‘em! I want them all!” said Fluffy’s right head.

“What? You got them last time! Let me at ‘em!” shouted Fluffy’s left head.

Fluffy’s center head said, “Now, now, there’s plenty for all...”

“You shut up!” shouted the other two heads.

“I should get them, because I’m always right!” said the right head.

“Oh, and what am I, the head that was left out? Not a chance!” said the left head.

The center head said, “Now, now as the one who’s always in the center I must remind you all that there’s plenty to go around...”

“You shut up!” shouted the other two heads.

“Mmmmm, food,” said Aragog. “Perhaps I’ll finally be able to feed my wife Mosag and my children properly: all two thousand seven hundred and fifty three of them.”

“HAGGER!” shouted Grawp, “Grawp want to PLAY!”

“Well, any ideas?” asked Buckbeak.

“I got one,” said Harry. “Hey, so if all four of you are the tasks, which one is the hardest, the strongest task?”

“I am!” shouted Norbert. “I am the number one task after all! I can burn you all to a crisp!”

“You? Yeah right, flame thrower,” shouted Fluffy’s right head. “Please, WE are the number one task because we are three tasks in one! Of course, I’m the real task while the other two are just extras...”

“Oh please, you slobber too much!” said Fluffy’s left head. “I am the real power behind this task!”

“Now, now,” said the center head, “we’re all heads of the same beast. We’re all equal...”

“You shut up!” shouted the other two heads.

“How dare you others even claim to be the strongest tasks,” hissed Aragog. “I am the toughest because I have the most on my plate! I slave away gladly so that I can feed my wife Mosag and my three thousand four hundred and ninety two children!”

“I thought that was two thousand seven hundred and fifty three children,” said Norbert.

“Why you little!” Aragog pounced on Norbert as Fluffy’s opposite heads started biting at each other. When the center head tried to stop them, Fluffy ended up crashing into the wrestling Norbert and Aragog and soon, all three of them were wrestling each other.

“HEY, GRAWP WANT JOIN TOO!” shouted Grawp. He too leapt into the dust cloud created by the fighting and soon, all the tasks were fighting each other.

“Stop! Stop! STOP!” shouted Hagrid. He tried to break up the combating tasks only to be flung away into the air so high up he shone like a star. Fang darted underneath a loose rock and started whimpering.

“See, piece of cake,” said Harry. He and his troupe made their way into the fortress and up the series of winding staircase. Up and up they went the stairs seemingly never ending until they finally came up to the door that apparently housed the Princess. “Your highness, your knight in shining armor is here,” said Harry as he opened the door.

No sooner had Harry opened the door was there a large caterwaul accompanied by a leaping orange cat barring his claws and fangs. Harry ducked in time but Neville ended up getting scratched up by the feline in the face.

The cat landed on the floor, his legs spread, his tail up and his fur standing on its end. “No one come closer. I defend my mistress with my life!” he hissed.

“No one threatens us like that and gets away with it!” said Hedwig haughtily. She fluttered down to the ground and crouched in a battle ready pose, her wings held defensively in front of herself. “Come and get it furball, I am an expert at Raptor Martial Arts!” she said.

“Oh yeah? I was a member of the Feline Marines! I can take you down featherbrain!” hissed the cat. The owl and the cat leapt at each other. Their collision in mid air was so spectacular it set off sparks. Getting back into stance, the cat and the owl charged at each other. What followed were quick successions of cat punches and bird kicks so spectacular that Bruce Lee would’ve been envious. The two animals seemed bent on completing their little duel and Harry and his group were content to watch it unfold but it was abruptly cut short when the cat was picked up.

“Crookshanks, you know not to pick fights with strangers like that,” admonished Hermione as she cradled the cat in her arms. She was still wearing the same princess like dress she had been wearing to the ball.

“Well she started it,” said Crookshanks.

“I most certainly did not!” said Hedwig.

“Enough Hedwig,” said Harry as he lifted the owl up on his arm. It was in that moment that Harry and Hermione’s eyes met for the first time. All became silent and time appeared to have stopped as green and brown orbs bore into each other. Finally, Harry broke the silence saying, “You’re not really a princess, are you.”

“No, I’m not,” said Hermione. “I’m really just a farm girl, but I snuck into the ball to take my mind off of my arranged marriage only to have Prince Charming,” the last word was said sarcastically, “mistake me for some princess and whisk me off to this God forsaken tower before I could even protest.”

“Well, looks like I’ve wound up in horrid mess,” said Harry. “Don’t worry, I’ll help clear everything up with the Malfoys and until them, I’ll be your personal knight at your beck and call.” He grinned and offered her his hand. “I’m Harry Potter.”

“Hermione Granger,” said Hermione shaking Harry’s hand with a smile. “And this ball of fluff is Crookshanks.”

“A pleasure to meet you,” said Harry. “This here is Hedwig.”

“Hey, why are you introducing me in the same breadth as that cat?” demanded Hedwig.

“Oh lookie, lookie, the poor birdie thinks herself too high to be associated with the cat,” said Crookshanks.

“I’ll show you associated you disgusting hairball factory!” snapped Hedwig.

“Quiet!” said Harry. “This is my squire Neville Longbottom.”

“A pleasure to meet you Neville,” said Hermione.

“It is my pleasure ma’am,” said Neville. He tried to take a bow but the weight of his luggage ended up making him lose his balance and the poor squire fell over in a heap under his packs.

As Neville was disentangling himself from his baggage, Harry brought Hermione to the last member of the group. “This is my noble steed, Buckbeak.”

Hermione nodded. She looked Buckbeak straight into the eye before taking a bow. Buckbeak appeared to be a little surprised but quickly bowed as well.

“I’m impressed,” said Buckbeak. “Here is one who actually knows the proper way to greet hippogriffs.”

“I read all about hippogriffs in my books on magical creatures,” said Hermione. “You truly are beasts of great majesty.”

“My God she’s good,” said Buckbeak.

“Of course she is,” said Harry. “Now let’s just head back to Malfoy manor and clear this mess up once and for all. The faster we get it over with, the less we have to deal with the Malfoys.”

So the troupe once again set out this time toward Malfoy Manor rather than away. Harry elected to walk alongside Buckbeak whom was letting Hermione ride on his back. Harry and Hermione were hitting off rather well, which was becoming a slight source of discomfort for their pets.

“My parents died when I was very little,” said Hermione. “But I remember them very well. They were always encouraging me, the best parents anybody could have.”

“I envy you,” said Harry. “I love my parents dearly but sometimes they can be so busy with their band that I felt neglected at times as a kid. Maybe that’s why I didn’t become a musician and became a knight instead.”

“It’s still better to have your parents than to lose them though,” said Hermione.

“Yeah, I know you’re right,” said Harry. “I guess I’m lucky to have them.”

(Overzealous fan suddenly jumps up and yells “Hey! Harry’s supposed to be an orphan!” To that I reply: I know full well Harry’s supposed to be an orphan. But in this fic he’s got his parents OK? Good! Now deal with it!)

“Will you just look at that?” said Hedwig from behind. “They’re getting along so well! Too well if you ask me!”

“Oh what’s this?” said Crookshanks. “Is the owl jealous? Well let it be known, that if he even hurts Hermione one bit I will rip him to shreds.”

“I’ll smash you to feline heaven before you even dare rip Harry to shreds,” said Hedwig.

“Come on and try it! I’ll kick your raptor butt!” hissed Crookshanks.

“Hey, hey no bickering back there,” said Harry.

“Well you know, maybe they have a little love-hate going on here,” said Hermione, giggling.

“WHAT?” exclaimed Hedwig and Crookshnks. Harry and Hermione burst into laughs.

“Um, I’m missing the big picture here,” said Neville. “By the way, what is that shrill whistling?”

“Sounds like the flashing of a sword,” said Harry.

“Oh come on,” said Neville, “I know what the flashing of a sword sounds like and that most certainly isn’t it...” No sooner had he said that did Neville find himself starring at the business end of a rapier. Neville let out a decidedly girlish scream as he fell to the ground and backed off.

“Haha! En guarde!” shouted the man with the rapier. He was a tall man with red hair, long nose, and freckles. He was dressed like a 16^th century court cavalier straight down to the tailored boots and the wide brimmed hat with feathers.

“What? What’s going on?” asked Hermione.

“Pray for mercy travelers,” said the red haired man. With a few swipes of his rapier, he carved a ‘RBW’ into the tree right next to him and said, “Ronald B. Weasley, mercenary for hire!”

A split second later, a pint sized gray owl popped up from behind onto the mercenary’s shoulder and squawked, “And his sidekick, Pigwidgeon! Oh wow! Ron! Ron! Are we going to fight these guys? Are you going to fight that guy with the sword? Huh? Huh? Huh? Why are you fighting these guys? They sure look strong. Oh look, another owl. And a cat! I hope the cat doesn’t want to eat me. Do you think that cat wants to eat me? Huh? Huh? Huh? So when are you going to fight? Are you going to fight? Huh? Huh? Huh?” By now, the tiny owl was fluttering around twittering at high pace.

“Shut up, Pig!” shouted Ron. Pigwidgeon instantly shut up. “And now,” said Ron pointing his rapier at Harry, “En guarde, mesa mi!”

Harry starred at Ron as if he were mad. He drew his broad sword, walked over to Ron, and with a swipe knocked the rapier out of Ron’s hand. “All right, what’s the big idea?” he shouted.

Ron fell to his knees and started begging for his life. “Please, please! I beg of you, spare my life! I am completely at your mercy now but it is absolutely necessary that I live. I don’t want to live the mercenary life but I have to for my sister’s sake. That’s why I took on all requests, even from complete losers like Lucius Malfoy...”

“Wait, wait wait!” said Harry, “Lucius Malfoy hired you?”

“That’s right,” said Ron.

“Oh, well we might as well forget about heading back to Malfoy Manor and clearing up this misunderstanding,” said Harry. “He’d most likely try to kill me on the spot.” He sat on the ground in thought as did the rest of the group.

“We’ll just have to think up of another way,” said Hermione. “By the way, you mentioned something about your sister. What’s that about?”

“Ah, that reminds me,” said Ron also moving into a sitting position. “By any chance, is there anyone among your group whom is a pointy chinned, arrogant snot with pulled back blonde hair who goes by some stupid nickname, has the odor of ferrets, and thinks he’s God’s gift to women?”

“Do any of us look like a pointy chinned, arrogant snot with pulled back blonde hair who goes by some stupid nickname, has the odor of ferrets, and thinks he’s God’s gift to women?” said Neville.

“Good point,” said Ron. “That pointy chinned, arrogant snot with pulled back blonde hair who goes by some stupid nickname, has the odor of ferrets, and thinks he’s God’s gift to women is the one who broke my little sister’s heart when she was but an innocent maiden. Since then I have strived hard in the mercenary business hoping to one day come face to face with this pointy chinned, arrogant snot with pulled back blonde hair who goes by some stupid nickname, has the odor of ferrets, and thinks he’s God’s gift to women and say,” Ron’s eyes took on a far away look, “Hello, my name is Ronald B. Weasley. You dishonored my sister. Prepare to die.”

Suddenly, a red haired girl appeared from nowhere and bashed Ron on the head. “Dammit Ron!” she shouted, “I don’t need you going about avenging my ‘honor’ and what not!” she yelled.

Pigwidgeon started fluttering around again. “Oh wow! Ginny! Ginny! Ginny! Where did you come from? Do you always appear out of no where like that? Can you always just appear like that? Huh? Huh? Huh? Is it just some plot device by the author? Is the author just being too lazy coming up with a good way to make you appear? What is this ‘author’ anyway? Huh? Huh? Huh?” Pigwidgeon was shut up when Ginny caught him in her hands.

“I’d like to shut up that tennis ball myself,” said Crookshanks.

“For once I agree,” said Hedwig.

Ron groaned as he rubbed his head. “Ginny, I’m trying to be a good big brother here,” he said. “That pointy chinned, arrogant snot with pulled back blonde hair who goes by some stupid nickname, has the odor of ferrets, and thinks he’s God’s gift to women broke your heart and I’m not about to rest even a single bit until I’ve rectified the situation. It’s one of my two life goals.”

“News flash Ron, I got over it,” said Ginny. “I can take care of myself without my brothers interfering. And besides, if we ever meet that pointy chinned, arrogant snot with pulled back blonde hair who goes by some stupid nickname, has the odor of ferrets, and thinks he’s God’s gift to women not to mention too cowardly to tell me his real name, I’ll kill him myself.”

Neville suddenly chimed up: “Um, not to be interrupting or anything but you said ‘two life goals’. Will it be OK if you told us what the other one was?”

Ron snapped his fingers. “Oh yeah, that reminds me.” He made his over to Hermione and to everyone’ surprise (except Ginny’s and Pigwidgeon’s) he got down on one knee, took Hermione’s hand and said, “Sweet maiden, will you have the honor of being my wife and bearing my child?”

Hermione’s jaw dropped. Before she could react however, Ron’s head was bashed once again, this time simultaneously by Harry and Ginny.

“Treat a woman with respect!” said Harry.

“Stop embarrassing me like that all the time!” said Ginny. She then turned to a shocked Hermione and said, “Sorry about that. His other life goal is to get married and have kids. But he’s got a completely messed up way of going about it as you just saw. He’s had more women slap his face than anyone else I know including my court jester brothers and that’s saying something.”

“Er, OK I guess,” said Hermione. “Just, please don’t do it again.”

“You have my word that it will never happen again,” said Ron. “It also appears that I have misjudged all of you. Sir Knight, I wish to dedicate my life to you in gratitude. I shall accompany you further in your journeys.”

“Fine, fine,” said Harry. “Just so long as you drop that ridiculous speaking style and talk like the Ron Weasley of canon.”

“Oh wow! Are we joining them now? Are we traveling with them now? Are we? Huh? Huh? Huh? Is this going to be a fun adventure? Is this going to be a boring trip? What are we going to do on this adventure? Huh? Huh? Huh? When do we get to eat? I’m hungry. Are you hungry? Huh? Huh? Huh?” chirped Pigwedgeon.

“I’m getting hungry for pint sized owl right about now,” said Crookshanks.

“So am I,” said Hedwig.

“Hold on one second,” Buckbeak suddenly said. “Somebody’s coming this way.” As if on cue, who should show up other than Fleur Delacour with her sister Gabrielle tagging along.

“Excuse moi,” said Fleur. “But which iz ze way to Malfoy Manor? Sadly, we have lozt za way.”

Ron suddenly sprang up, strode forward, took Fleur’s hand and said, “Sweet maiden, will you have the honor of being my wife and bearing my child?” A second later, there was a slap and a hand print on Ron’s cheek.

“I did it again, didn’t I?” said Ron. “Great, it’s practically become a habit.”

It was then that a giant woman strolled into the scene and caught sight of the Delacour sisters. “Zere you are,” she said. “I was worried for ze moment when you two couldn’t be found. Come, Malfoy Manor iz zis way.”

“Madame Olympe Maxime,” said Fleur sounding relieved. The Delacour sisters took after Madame Maxime leaving the troupe alone and the readers baffled at what the heck this small scene was all about.

“Well, what are we going to do now?” said Harry. “Since we can’t go back to Malfoy Manor we need to think up of something else to do.”

“Why not head to Hogwarts dearies?” said a voice of an old lady. The group turned to see a rickety old house that they conveniently hadn’t noticed before hand with a gray picket fence and a wispy old woman sitting on a rocking chair on the front porch. “I, Arabella Figg tell you now to seek the words of the random old man who dispenses advises who resides at Hogwarts: if you can reach the place that is. EH HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE!!!!!!!!!!” The old woman let out a high-pitched cackle.

“So how do we get there?” asked Neville.

“Oh, you just follow yonder yellow brick road right there,” said Mrs. Figg pointing to the road of yellow brick that no one had noticed before, leading into the darkest, creepiest depths of the forest.

“I notice you aren’t asking to marry her,” said Crookshanks.

“Hey, it’s not like I’m desperate. I have standards in women I ask,” said Ron.

“Well OK then,” said Harry. “I suppose we’re off to see the wizard.”

“Do we have to skip with our arms linked as well?” asked Ginny. “If that’s the case, count me out.”

* * *

Lucius Malfoy was walking down toward the dungeons where his guest was staying for the time being. It was with a sense of foreboding that he was trekking toward the spot, and the mumbling of the old house elf that was leading him on certainly was not helping.

“Kreacher, will you kindly shut up?” he snapped

The ugly, old house elf Kreacher starred at Lucius. “Kreacher will obey what the master says but Kreacher will still mumble as he walks.” Lucius gave a swift kick at Kreacher and the house elf instantly shut up.

Kreacher finally led Lucius to a dark, wooden door and Lucius knocked. The door opened and Bellatrix Lestrange beckoned Lucius inside. “Welcome, my brother in law,” she said.

Seated behind a desk was none other than Don Voldemort. Slithering around the desk was a large snake. “Well, if it isn’t the illustrious king,” hissed the snake.

“Nagini, no need to bait Lucius yet,” said Voldemort. The snake continued to slither around the desk but didn’t say anything. Voldemort looked up at Lucius and said, “I’ve heard that the mercenary you sent to kill Harry Potter has joined him instead. That is what you get for using Weasleys: whatever gave you the idea to do that my friend?”

Lucius gulped and said, “Forgive me Godfather. He was the only mercenary available at the time.”

“Lucius, Lucius the business cannot afford to take too many blunders such as this to happen,” said Don Voldemort. “The family expects you to do better next time. Do not disappoint me again.”

“Or you have me to answer to,” hissed Nagini.

Lucius turned pale but nodded. “I will not fail you again.”

“Now that we have that cleared up, I desire to ask you a favor,” said Don Voldemort. “Bella, bring her in.”

Bellatrix bowed and left the room. She and Kreacher returned a few minutes later dragging a struggling woman who wore large glasses and was dressed like a gypsy. “What is this? The fates have told me no such this as happening!” demanded the woman. “I, Sybil Trelawney am the number one divinator in the land! I demand that you let go of me or I will call my lawyer!”

“Sybil Trelawney?” said Lucius. “But she is just a harmless old coot.”

“Harmless old coot you say your majesty?” said Trelawney. “Well your aura is pulsating. I see much misfortune for you ahead sire.”

”True, she is just an old coot in this state,” said Voldemort. “However, Bella if you will please.”

Bellatrix nodded. She picked up a metal pipe and bashed Trelawney on the head with it. In an instant, Trelawney’s pupils dilated and she started saying in an otherworldly voice, “The Godfather of the Death Eater Mafia is the true ruler of the lands. But even his reign shall come to a close with the royal families’: for the Godfather of the Death Eater Mafia shall be defeated… by a frying pan!”

“It still sounds like the ramblings of an old coot to me sir,” said Lucius.

“Nevertheless, I want all frying pans in the kingdom destroyed,” said Voldemort. “You will do this Lucius, or I shall be very displeased.”

* * *

“Well here we are, Hogwarts Castle,” said Harry. They were standing before a vast castle that could only be Hogwarts. In the nearby lake, a giant squid was relaxing.

“How are you doing strangers?” asked the squid, its voice booming.

“Fine thank you,” said Hermione. “Where is the entrance to the castle?”

“It’s that painting over there,” said the Squid, pointing to a painting of a daring knight on the wall of the castle.

The knight looked up and saw the group before him. “Who goes there?” he demanded. “If any of you dare trespass upon the sanctity of this castle, he shall feel the sting of my blade! The blade of Sir Cadogan.”

“How? You’re just a painting?” said Neville.

“I’ll show you just a painting young cad!” said Sir Cadogan. “Draw your weapon. I demand a fight!”

“Oh put that away, said a Fat Lady in pink suddenly stepping into the portrait and pushing a grumbling Sir Cadogan away. She turned to the group and said, “I am the Fat Lady. Sorry to have you deal with him but I was just having a little tea with my friend Violet. Now, come in, come in. Welcome to Hogwarts.” The portrait swung open to reveal the doorway to the inside of the castle.

“Welcome to Hogwarts,” said a woman sitting at a desk right beside the doors like a receptionist. “My name is Penelope Clearwater. Please state your business.”

No sooner had she said that, Ron stepped forward and said, “Sweet maiden, will you have the honor of being my wife and bearing my child?”

Penelope bashed Ron on the head and once again said, “Please state your business.”

“It really is a habit for him, I see,” whispered Hermione to Ginny. Ginny nodded.

“Er, we’re here to see the random old man who dispenses advise,” said Harry.

Penelope nodded and said, “I will call for your guide. Dobby!”

A house elf, wearing the most outlandish clothes and mismatching socks suddenly came running in on the scene. He cried, “Dobby is here! Dobby is here! Dobby is...” the rest of his sentence didn’t come out as he tripped and tumbled down the stairs. “Dobby is too clumsy,” he said as he stood up. Suddenly, Dobby started bashing his head on the stair rail saying, “Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!”

“Whoa! Whoa! Stop that!” said Harry, pulling Dobby away from the rail.

“Dobby, stop punishing yourself and lead our guests to the Great Hall,” said Penelope.

“Yes, Dobby will do as Miss says,” said Dobby. “Come, follow Dobby.”

Dobby led the troupe to a large door in just the next room. The entire group, including all the animals entered to find themselves in the Great Hall below the enchanted ceiling. “This is amazing,” said Ginny.

“Indeed it is,” said a voice from the front of the Great Hall. The group saw an old man wearing purple and scarlet robes, had long silver hair and a beard, wore golden half-moon spectacles, and had a bright twinkle in his blue eyes. “Welcome to Hogwarts. Dobby, you are dismissed.” Dobby bowed and promptly disappeared.

“Are you the random old man who dispenses advise?” asked Harry.

“Indeed I am,” said the old man. “I am Albus Percival Wulfric Bryan Dumbledore. And this,” he turned and gestured to a group of people sitting at a table to his right, “is my chorus.”

“I am Minerva McGonagall,” said the first chorus member, a stern looking woman. “I represent bravery and wisdom.”

“I am Filius Flitwick,” said the second chorus member, a tiny old man. “I represent mischief and creativity.”

“I am Pomona Sprout,” said the third chorus member, a stout dumpy looking woman. “I represent perseverance and order.”

“I am Poppy Pomfrey,” said the fourth member, a kindly woman in nurse’s clothing. “I represent comfort and healing.”

“A chorus? Why the heck do you need a chorus for?” asked Crookshanks.

“Why it’s in the rules. A Greek Tragedy must have a chorus to neutrally observe everything that goes on,” said Dumbledore.

“That is the rule of Greek Tragedies,” said Sprout.

The last I checked, I wasn’t writing a Greek Tragedy.

“But I desire to make a Greek Tragedy of this, I can do so,” said Dumbledore.

“So when we’re on scene, it’s a Greek Tragedy,” said Flitwick.

“Mental this one is,” muttered Ron.

“So what is it that I may do for you?” asked Dumbledore. “Why do you seek my advise?”

“Tell us and we will provide you with what you need,” said Pomfrey. “We will provide what help we can.”

Harry and Hermione explained to Dumbeldore and his chorus everything that happened with the others filling in the gaps. Finally, when all was said and done, Dumbledore spoke.

“I do believe I have a solution,” said Dumbledore. “Of course, everything would be taken care of easily if I just went to Malfoy Manor myself and teach the Malfoys a little ‘lesson’ but that would be too easy not to mention there wouldn’t be much of a story. So instead, I am sending you to the Wishing Wells.”

“There are two Wishing Wells, one on the east side of the castle and one on the west,” said McGonagall. “The well on the east side is the ‘Male Wishing Well’. A genie lives in there. The well on the west side is the ‘Female Wishing Well’. A goddess lives in there. Which one you use, is up to you.”

“Why is one a ‘genie’ and the other a ‘goddess’?” asked Hermione.

“We have no clue whatsoever,” said Dumbledore and his chorus. “Just go to which ever one you wish. What happens afterward, we cannot predict.” Then Dumbledore alone said, “As for myself, I recommend the Male Wishing Well: the genie’s my brother.”

* * *

About half an hour later, the group was coming upon the Male Wishing Well. Why it was called a well is beyond me giving that in reality it was a pond within some woods with wild flowers all around them. The group was just about to go call for a genie when a woodcutter by the name of Ern walked up. He was just walking along minding his business when he tripped on a root and his woodcutter’s axe fell into the pond with a splash.

“Aaaaaah! Oh no!” cried Ern. “I dropped my ono into the pond!” (Ono is Japanese for ‘axe’)

Suddenly, the surface of the pond bubbled up and lights shone. Before Ern could comprehend what was happening, a large figure with gray hair and beard had emerged from the pond. In his right hand was a golden axe and in his left hand was a silver axe. And lodged in his head was Ern’s axe.

“Hello, I am Aberforth Dumbledore, Genie of the Wishing Well,” he said. “And in case you were wondering, I am indeed the brother of the crazy random old man who dispenses advise in the castle next door. Now, was the axe you just dropped this gold axe or this silver axe?”

Ern stuttered for a moment before saying, “Er, no it’s that axe up there,” pointing to the axe lodged in Aberforth’s head.

“Oh, this thing?” said Aberforth, pulling out the axe and giving it back to Ern. “You are an honest man. For that, you get a reward.” Aberforth suddenly pulled out a chest about as big as a car containing all manners of jewels and gold before disappearing back into the pond.

“Eep!” said Ern. Not knowing what else to do, Ern dragged the chest away with him, hardly believing his good fortune.

No sooner had Ern gone and before Harry and his troupe could go make their wish, another man appeared, this one in a purple turban by the name of Quirrell.

(Reader asks “Is that the man’s name or the turban’s?” I just grin mysteriously.)

“Haha! I saw all that!” said Quirrell. Out of nowhere, he suddenly produced another axe, this time at least five times larger. “With an axe this large, my reward should be every bit as larger,” said Quirrell with a greedy grin. With that, he threw the axe into the pond.

Aberforth soon arrived looking rather pissed with the axe lodged deep in his shoulder. “This yours?” he asked pointing at the axe with his thumb.

“Yes it is!” said a grinning Quirrell remembering that honesty was what won Ern his reward.

“THAT HURT, FOOL!” shouted Aberforth bashing Quirrell with an uppercut. Screaming “YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!” Quirrell was launched up so high in the sky he shone like a star.

Having witnessed all of this, Harry turned to the rest of the troupe and said, “Let’s try the Female Wishing Well.” The others unanimously agreed.

* * *

A little later, the troupe had arrived on the other side of the castle by the Female Wishing Well this one was also a pond looking identical to the other one. “Well, how do we call the Goddess?” asked Harry.

“Let me try,” said Crookshanks. “YO GODDESS!”

In response to Crookshank’s call, the surface of the pond started bubbling and growing bright. A second later, a girl with waist length, straggly blonde hair, dreamy silver eyes, violet sparkly robes, and a crown and fairy wings had emerged. “Hello,” she said, her voice sounding dreamy as well, “I am Luna Lovegood, Goddess of the Wishing Well. I will grant all of you any wish you ask of me.”

“Any wish?” asked Neville skeptically.

“Any wish,” said Luna.

“Hmm, OK I wish for a pizza,” said Neville still sounding skeptical.

A second later, a broomstick landed right nearby them with a zoom and a pimple faced young man on it. “Pizza Delivery! My name is Stan Shunpike. Here’s your double-cheese, pan tossed crust L-sized pizza with three toppings: pepperoni, sausage, and mushrooms.”

“Oh cool! I guess it’s for real!” said Neville taking the pizza and starting to eat a slice. He stopped however when Stan tapped him on the shoulder.

“That will be 2 sickles and 7 knuts plus tip, sir,” said Stan.

Neville looked at Luna, disbelief all over his face. “You never wished for a free pizza,” said Luna.

Grumbling, Neville paid Stan. “Thank you sir!” said a cheerful Stan as he flew off.

“OK, I’d like to make my real wish now,” said Neville.

“Oh sorry, only one wish per person,” said Luna. Neville looked ready to have a fit. As if that weren’t enough, the rest of the troupe was starting to eat the pizza.

After the pizza was eaten, Harry turned to Luna and said, “OK, so we all get one wish huh?”

“Yes, any wish you want,” said Luna.

“I’ll pass for now,” said Ginny. “I can make my wish later.”

“I want to save my wish as well,” said Hermione. “Something like this shouldn’t be taken lightly.”

“Animals don’t make wishes,” said Buckbeak. The other animals all nodded (or in the case of Pigwidgeon flutter around twittering “That’s right! That’s right! That’s right! That’s right! That’s right! That’s right! That’s right! That’s right!” until Ginny shut him up).

“Well, I guess it’s my wish then,” said Harry. “I just wish for some way to clear up this whole mess we’re in.”

“Hmm, I might have something just for that,” said Luna. “She crouched down by the pond and dipped her right arm in as if rummaging around for something. Eventually she said, “Ah, here we go,” and pulled something out and gave it to Harry.

“A frying pan?” said Harry, starring at the black frying pan now in his hand.

“Just hang onto it,” said Luna. “Trust me when I say that’s what you wished for.” Harry still looked skeptical but he shrugged and tucked the frying pan behind his cape.

“Ok, now it is your turn,” said Luna turning to Ron.

As if by routine, Ron walked up to Luna, took her hands in his and said, “Sweet maiden, will you have the honor of being my wife and bearing my child?”

The entire troupe suddenly grew scared on Ron’s behalf believing he had just incurred the wrath of a Goddess. Luna however simply smiled and said, “OK.”

“Huh?” said everybody. “Really?” said Ron, not believing what he had just heard.

“Yes, really,” said Luna smiling dreamily.

“Woohoo!” shouted Ron, “Yes! Yes! Yes! All right!” He started dancing a crazy jig while Luna just continued smiling dreamily. The others simply couldn’t believe what had just happened.

“How do we know they’re not getting married only because Ron wished for it?” whispered Ginny.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a scene that’s apparently unrelated to the rest of the fic, several of Harry’s fangirls were out on a quest searching for him.

From this point forth, the author has read Half Blood Prince. Everything previous was used only through canon up to Order of the Phoenix. As of now, the information now contains Half Blood Prince. And if anybody asks, yes it took me all these months to start writing this fic again due to the depression of post-HBP. Why Ms. Rowling? Why? WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! Harry’s fangirls. Anyway...

“Come my sisters! Come!” declared Cho. “Our beloved Harry has traveled these grounds. I can tell.”

“We follow your lead, oh grand sister Chang,” declared Parvati Patil, “provided we get to share Harry.”

“All for One and One for all right?” said her sister Padma.

“Right,” said Cho, grudgingly. She noticed that one of their members, Lavender Brown looked a little downcast. “What is wrong, my sister?” she said.

“Oh I was just thinking about someone I met sometime ago,” said Lavender. “I know I belong to Harry now and before that to Prince Charming but I now realize that I miss him too. He saved me from being mugged whereupon he asked me to marry him and bare his child on the spot. I was kind of speechless and didn’t exactly give an answer but I’m thinking perhaps I could’ve accepted.” She sighed and said, “I miss my Won Won.”

“Won Won?” asked Cho.

“The author had to make certain adjustments to the fic because of Book 6,” said Parvati. “You see, look at that girl.”

“Huh?” said Cho, noticing another girl amongst their group. “Who are you?”

“What?” said the girl, taking a break from her potion stirring (which smelled suspiciously like Amorentia). “I’m Romilda Vane. You know that. I’ve been a member of the Harry Potter Fan Club for quite some time now.”

“Er, no. You were only added just now to update the fic to book 6 standards,” said Parvati.

“Oh whatever,” said Romilda. She looked up at the bright, sunshiny, cloudless, blue sky and said, “We’d better find shelter, it looks like rain.”

“Rain? In this sunshine? Ha!” declared Padma.

A split second later (and I mean a split second later), the sky was dark with black clouds as rain poured down along with thunder and lightning. Cho grudgingly conceded, “OK, we DO need to find some shelter.”

“There was a shack up on the hill over there,” said Susan Bones.

“Was it a creepy, scary looking shack?” asked Hannah Abbot.

“Of course it was,” said Susan. “It’s always a creepy, scary shack in fics.”

So the girls all grudgingly made their way to the creepy, scary shack. They quickly entered the shack to find that it was indeed creepy and scary inside.

“Hey, isn’t this the Shrieking Shack?” asked Romilda. “I heard it was haunted.”

“Oh really now,” said Padma. “Everybody knows that the Shrieking Shack isn’t really haunted.”

“Hello.” Padma turned around to see a grinning Peeves the poltergeist.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Padma.

“Ooooooh, guests! What fun I could have!” exclaimed Peeves as he flew around gleefully.

“Now, now Peeves you know that we should be more cordial to the guests,” said Nearly Headless Nick as he floated into the scene.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” screamed the rest of the girls.

“Please, we only wish to entertain you,” said Nick. “If you would make yourselves comfortable.”

“Oh my I haven’t heard such lively voices in the past few centuries,” said the Fat Friar.

“Really, all of that screaming mustn’t be good on the vocal chords,” said the Gray Lady.

“It’s always the same! We show up and they start screaming. It never changes I tell you!” yelled Moaning Myrtle before bursting into tears.

“How delightful! Delightful!” yelled Peeves as he flew around. “Oh the things I could do! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!”

“That’s enough, Peeves!” declared the Bloody Baron.

Peeves immediately stopped cackling and dropped before the Baron’s feet. “Forgive me your Baroness. I will strive for more quiet.”

“Save us! Save us!” screamed Cho.

“Save me! Save me!” cackled Peeves.

No sooner had Peeves cackled did the door to the shack burst open and in popped in five young men wearing gray jumpsuits and technical backpacks with lasers attached to them (if you have it, play the theme to Ghost Busters). Their leader, Seamus Finnigan declared, “Who’re you gonna call?”

“GHOST BUSTERS!” yelled the other four.

The girls and the ghosts stared at the boys as if they were mad. “Ghost Busters?” asked Cho questioningly.

“Oh blame the author. It was his idea,” said Dean Thomas.

“The author insists on every single character appear in this fic in one form or another,” said Ernie Macmillan.

“Even in roles like these,” said Justin Finch Fletchley.

“Aren’t there only supposed to be four Ghost Busters?” asked Romilda.

“Another book 6 update,” said Justin. “The original plan was to have four but we’ve since had to add this guy to the group.” Justin pointed to the fifth member, Cormac Mcladdon.

Mcladdon smirked and said, “I am just irresistible.”

No you’re not. You’re just filling in for the word count. Every single character, remember?”

“There are still quite a lot missing,” said Nearly Headless Nick. As if on cue, the entire Headless Party arrived. “Oh you just had to spite me didn’t you?” said Nick, bitterly.

“Hi there Nick, still got your head?” said Sir Patrick the headless ghost. Nick merely looked away sulking.

“So do we have to bust any of you guys? You all look like rather nice folks to me; besides being dead that is,” said Dean.

The Baron pointed at Peeves and said, “Bust him.”

Just as Peeves uttered a “Wha!” the boys turned on their lasers, forcing Peeves into their ghost trap.

“There we go. All taken care of,” said Seamus.

“So, what exactly does this scene after to do with the rest of this fic?” asked Ernie.

* * *

Moving on, we now go to Malfoy Manor where...

“Hey! What about our scene?” demanded Ernie, “What does it have to do...” (Ernie is suddenly kicked out of the scene by an invisible force)

Anyway, we go to Malfoy Manor where the Royal Family was trying to receive some sort of entertainment from a pair of Court Jester brothers.

“That’s right! We should’ve been introduced early given that this is a comedy fic!” declared Fred.

“It’s a rule, if it’s a comedy, we need to be present!” declared George.

Fred: The one of two... (snare drum roll)

George: ... and two of two... (continue drum roll)

Together: ... of only... GRED AND FORGE! (the twins make dramatic poses, cymbal crash).

Lucius stared at the two jesters, obviously bored. “Riiiiiight. NEXT!”

“Wait! Wait! We’ve got more!” said Fred.

“We’ve got more?” asked George.

“YES, we’ve got more!”

“Oh yeah, we’ve got more!” Fred and George linked arms and started swaying side to side while singing, “Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the mooooorning...”

“First of all we’re in Magic Land, not Carolina,” said Lucius. “And second of all, WE’RE BRITISH! NOT AMERICANS! NEXT!”

Fred and George were literally dragged out of the palace as they still sang, “No one could be sweeter than my sweetie when I meet her in the mooooorning...”

Waiting for the next form of entertain to come, Lucius was taken aback when Don Voldemort strolled into the throne room. “Godfather! You’re a court jester?”

“No fool!” snapped Voldemort. “I’m here because I brought my special squad, Kidnappers Inc. to take back the Princess from Harry Potter.” Voldemort beckoned through the door and several thugs entered. “This is Augustus Rookwood...” The huge thug, Rookwood cracked his knuckles, looking itchy to smash something or someone, “... Bartemius Crouch Jr. ...” Crouch Jr. looked up and smirked evilly, “... and this is Winky.”

“Winky?” said Lucius, staring at the small, quivering, female House Elf.

“Oh she’s just a set with Crouch Jr.,” said Voldemort. “You know, like those little toys that come with McDonald’s Happy Meals.”

Lucius fidgeted with his collar nervously. “Boy, it sure is stuffy in here. Why don’t I open a window?” Lucius opened a nearby window only to hear Fred and George singing, “Where the mooooorning glories, twine around the doooor...” He immediately shut the window.

“They will bring back the princess and take care of Harry Potter,” said Don Voldemort. “Leave everything to us.” With that, Voldenmort let out his evil laugh, going “MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!”

* * *

Finally, back to our beloved party featuring Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Neville, Luna, Hedwig, Crookshanks, Pigwidgeon, Witherwings...

“MY NAME IS BUCKBEAK!” yelled the Hippogriff.

It says Witherwings in this book here.

“Buckbeak! Buckbeak! Buckbeak! BUCKBEAK!”

OK! OK! Buckbeak. Anyway, during this time Ron and Luna were getting all lovey dovey. “Oh Luna you’re so lovely. Your eyes reflect the beauty of the moon with their silver depths. If we ever have a girl, I bet no one would be able to say ‘no’ to that adorable face of hers.”

“Oh Ronald you’re so wonderful. Your hair is like the fire of your passion that burns within you. If we ever have a boy I bet he will be your shadow with the same spunk and wit.”

“Luna!”

“Ronald!” The two met in one very heated snog.

“Boy, they sure hit it off rather quickly,” said Crookshanks. “And speaking of hitting it off quickly, look at those two.”

Harry and Hermione sitting very close together on a different rock. Harry was examining the frying pan with a perplexed look on his face while Hermione also examined the frying pan, her head leaning on Harry’s shoulder.

“I just can’t get how this frying pan is supposed to help us,” said Harry. “I mean seriously, even in a parody fic like this one.”

“I suppose we’ll just have to trust Luna with this,” said Hermione. “If we believe, Harry, I’m sure it’ll work out in the end.”

Harry sighed and leaned his head against Hermione’s. “Yeah I suppose you’re right.”

Ginny stared at Harry and Hermione and said, “Isn’t Harry supposed to have a monster in his chest?”

Harry’s a knight. He slays all monsters, even those in his chest.

Ginny shrugged and said, “Fair enough,” before returning to cooing something in her hand. If Crookshanks had eyebrows, he would’ve raised one.

“What’s that you’re cooing?” he asked.

“Oh this?” Ginny grinned and exclaimed, “Crookshanks, everyone, meet Arnold!”

“Hello, my name is Arnold. I am cute and sweet. Being cuddly is my job. I love you if you love me,” said the squeaky voice of the cute little puffskin in Ginny’s hand. Arnold looked up at Crookshanks and said, “Boy, you sure are ugly.”

Crookshanks was momentarily speechless while Hedwig burst out laughing. Crookshanks finally composed himself to say, “We are so going to have a Garfield/Nermal relationship, aren’t we?”

“Admit it, that puffskin put you in your place!” said Hedwig with a laugh.

“Pipe it down featherbrain,” grumbled the orange cat.

Arnold looked up at Hedwig and said in that ‘adorable’ voice of his, “Hello my name is Arnold. Are you a featherbrain?”

This time it was Hedwig’s turn to be rendered speechless while Crookshanks burst into laughter. “Why I never!” Hedwig said haughtily.

“Oh looks like he’s gotten under your feathers as well,” Crookshanks said with a laugh. Hedwig merely ‘hmphed’ and looked away from him.

Pigwidgeon zoomed down and started twittering, “Wow! A newcomer! Is he considered part of our party? Are we considered a party? What’s a party? Don’t you have fun at a party? At a party? In a party? Huh? Huh? Huh? HUH?”

Arnold looked up at the hyper pygmy owl and said, “Hello, my name is Arnold. You sure talk a lot.”

“I talk a lot? You say I talk a lot? Do I talk a lot? I suppose I talk a lot. Do you all think I talk a lot? Huh? Huh? HUH? IS it a bad thing that I talk a lot? Maybe it’s a good thing I talk a lot. Or maybe it’s a bad thing. So do I talk a lot? Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? Huh? Huh? HUH?”

“Which one do you think is more annoying?” whispered Crookshanks.

“Do I have to choose between them?” Hedwig whispered back.

While Harry and Hermione were leaning close together, Harry suddenly started talking sounding a tad nervous: “By the way, you mentioned you were trying to get out of your arranged marriage right?”

Hermione raised her eyebrows as she replied, “Yes, that’s right.”

“Well, er, is it that you want to get out of... all marriages... or just your arranged one?”

“Well,” said Hermione slowly. “I suppose if the right man came along, I would be happy to get married. For real that is.”

“Uh... uh... so any prospects?” asked Harry, sounding slightly high pitched.

Hermione gave Harry a significant look. “You know, I think I might’ve finally met the right man.”

“Oh?” whispered Harry, his face getting closer to hers. “Anybody I know?”

“Oh my yes,” Hermione whispered back. Their lips were mere millimeters away from each other’s when...

“Excuse me.” Harry and Hermione sprang apart like they had been electrocuted, looking embarrassed with their faces burning red. The girl, one named Lisa Turpin, seemed rather sorry she had bothered something.

“Um forgive me,” she said. “But I just wanted to let you people know...”

Ron slid over toward Lisa on his knees and started saying, “Sweet maiden, will you have the honor...”

“ACHAAAA!!!!” Luna suddenly took off and landed a perfect flying kick on the back of Ron’s head, complete with Bruce Lee style turkey cry. Ron fell face forward into the dirt while Luna stood over him with a smirk and said, “You will NOT invoke the wrath of a Goddess.”

“Right. I’m sorry. It’s just a bad habit,” said Ron as he got up looking rather ashamed.

Lisa was perplexed by the actions of the couple but decided to forget about it and said, “Anyway, I just wanted to let you people know that there’s a rumor that some members of the Death Eater Mafia are heading this way. You may want to clear the area.”

Harry visibly tensed. “Don Voldemort?”

“No,” said Lisa.

“Oh. OK,” said Harry, relaxing again. “No problem then.”

“Just be careful, OK,” said Lisa as she left the scene.

Hermione looked worrisome as she asked, “Are you sure you can manage the DE Mob?”

“So long as it’s not their big boss, no prob,”

Merely seconds later, a bunch of tough looking mobsters showed up on the scene. Their leader, Bartemius Crouch Jr. step forward. “Harry Potter.”

Harry raised his eyebrows and said, “Hey, aren’t you the son of one of the guys commentating my beat ‘em up match?”

“You will not associate me with him!” yelled Crouch Jr. “Harry Potter, you will surrender to us.”

“Never!” declared Harry, Ron, and Neville, drawing their swords (or in Neville’s case, a cooking pot).

“Perhaps I did not make myself clear,” snarled Crouch Jr. “Harry Potter, you will surrender to us and hand the Princess over. For an extra 5 grand we’ll take the Goddess as well.”

“ACHAAAA!!!!” No sooner had Crouch Jr. said that he was felled by another flying kick in the face complete with turkey cry, though this one was from Ginny.

“What’s this? You’ll take Hermione and Luna but ignore me?” she seethed. “Why, because I’m just the plain ole’ common one? I’ll show you common one!”

Crouch Jr.’s partner Rookwood stepped forward. He looked ready to grab hold of Ginny. Ginny pulled back knocked Rookwood out with a Karate style forward punch complete with another turkey cry. What followed were spectacular special effects demonstrations as the camera goes to slow motion The Matrix style to demonstrate the flying kicks the red haired girl made as she knocked out all of the thugs with techniques you wouldn’t think would come from this girl. In one instant, Ginny even outright froze in midair (while the camera turned 360 degrees) before springing out a kick that flung the thug back some 17 feet.

“Now what do you think of ‘common’?” replied Ginny with a smirk as she stood over Crouch Jr. and Rookwood. The rest of the troupe (except Luna whom was looking as dreamy as ever) stared at Ginny, their mouths hanging open.

Well what did you all expect? Everybody thinks Hermione is a princess, Harry’s a knight, Neville’s his squire, Ron’s a mercenary, and Luna’s a Goddess. I had to give Ginny something didn’t I? What? I didn’t have to? Oh well.

Anyway, Ginny’s moment of triumph abruptly ended when about three times as many Death Eaters appeared on the scene, this time carrying swords. “Oh, I don’t do swords,” said Ginny.

“Just think of it as one of those Japanese Samurai Dramas,” said Harry as he, Ron, and Neville stepped forward. “At the climax, when the villain is exposed he calls out his thugs. The hero takes out those entire thugs single handedly with superior sword skills.”

“Sounds cool,” said Ron.

(If any of you readers are familiar with Samurai Dramas, start playing dramatic climax music. If not, just play some kind of dramatic climax music)

Harry and Ron leapt forward, their swords hacking and slicing away at the blades of the Death Eaters. Neville too leapt forward, bashing his cooking pots on the heads of the mobsters. The Death Eaters slashed away furiously but Harry and Ron were simply better as they parried every one of their enemies’ blows. Crookshanks, Hedwig, and Buckbeak also got into the action, slashing at the thugs with their claws and talons. Hedwig unleashed the full fury of her Raptor Martial Arts while Crookshanks demonstrated effective use of his Feline Marine training.

“Done and done!” declared Harry as he knocked the last Death Eater’s sword away. He bashed the Death Eater on the head and everything was finished with.

“Erm, Harry.” Harry looked toward Hermione to see that she was gesturing toward something on the ground. Harry looked down to see a small, quivering female House Elf carrying some kind of pellet the size of a tennis ball.

“P-please forgive Winky,” said the House Elf. “B-but Winky must obey what Master Barty s-says.” With that, the House Elf through the pellet on to the ground unleashing suffocating gas with a hiss. Within seconds, everybody was completely unconscious, including Winky.

* * *

“A job most well done,” said Don Voldemort as he strolled through the halls of Malfoy Manor. “We have the Princess locked up in the high tower of the palace. Harry Potter and his friends are locked down below in the dungeons. Life couldn’t get any sweeter.”

“Well... er... there might be a p-problem...” stuttered Lucius. “The Princess, she... erm doesn’t seem to be warming up to Draco.”

“That is easily taken care of,” said Voldemort. He scrawled something down on a piece of paper. “Head to this address. The man who lives here will be of good service to you. If you wish, I can also send Bella as a guide.”

So Lucius and Bellatrix set out in the black of night toward the address Voldemort had indicated. Within no time they had arrived at a place known as “Spinner’s End”.

“This is the place?” asked Lucius.

“This is the place,” answered Bellatrix. “Keep in mind now that the gate keeper here tends to be a little hard headed. Just follow my lead?”

“Gate keeper?” asked Lucius. No sooner had Lucius said this, a giant, ugly, ferocious werewolf leapt in front of them.

“Who dares trespass here?” snarled the werewolf.

Bellatrix nodded at Lucius. “Lucius Malfoy,” she said, “meet Fenrir Greyback.”

“This is whom the Godfather wanted for me to meet?” asked Lucius.

“No, he merely guards the one you are to meet.” Bellatrix turned toward the werewolf and said, “We wish to meet the one you are guarding.”

“Don’t be absurd Bellatrix. You know I don’t allow anyone to pass,” snarled Greyback.

“Not unless Don Voldemort himself comes here and orders me to do so.”

“Well, if you insist Fenrir,” Bellatrix stuck her hand out forward. “Shake.”

Greyback placed his paw on Bellatrix’s hand before realizing what he was doing. “HEY! DON’T TREAT ME LIKE A DOG!” he yelled.

“Oh, so sorry,” said Bellatrix. “Beg.”

Greyback stood up on his hind legs and started panting before snapping to his senses. “Do you get a kick out of insulting me?” he yelled.

“Perhaps I do,” said Bellatrix. She pulled out a bone and tossed it somewhere away from them. “Go fetch.”

Greyback ran off after the bone yipping joyfully. “Piece of cake,” said Bellatrix.

Lucius and Bellatrix entered the house at Spinner’s End and were immediately met by the most oily of voices singing...

(To the tune of These are a Few of My Favorite Things from ‘The Sound of Music’)

Skelogrow and Wolfsbane the tastes of damnation,

Draught of Living Death it’s the opposite of creation,

Veritaserum to put things in motion,

These are a few of my favorite pooootions!

A man with the greasiest black hair and hooked nose wearing black robes and pink bunny slippers was dancing around a table with a potions set on it while singing.

Mandrake draught to put these things all in locomotion,

Polyjuice what a pity it’s been banned by the nation,

Amorentia that’s a ‘no’ in quotations,

These are a few of my favorite pooootions!

The greasy haired man in pink bunny slippers started making dramatic poses with every line of his song.

When the werewolf bites, when the skrewt stings,

When you’re feeling saaaaaad...

I simply stuff you with my favorite potions, and then I don’t feeeel...

So baaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!! (several potions bottles shatter in tune)

“Severus Snape,” said Bellatrix. Snape looked up and noticed that he had guests.

“Bellatrix. Your majesty,” he said, no trace of concern whatsoever that he had been caught singing while wearing (and was still wearing) pink bunny slippers. “I’m surprised that Greyback let you through.”

Bellatrix shrugged and said, “He’s too much of a dog.”

“Used the old shake, beg, and fetch routine eh?” said Snape. “I wonder if Sirius Black or Remus Lupin would fall for that.”

“Doubtful but we could always try.” Bellatrix went into business mode and said, “Snape we need to ask a favor from you.” Bellatrix explained the whole situation to Snape.

“Easy enough; I’ll simply whip up a love potion,” said Snape. As Snape got to work on his potion he started talking, “You know when the author first thought up of this fic, his original plan was that I was secretly a good guy: that instead of brewing a love potion I just gave you two colored water.” Snape gave the other two an evil smirk. “But he’s changed his mind since reading book 6. I am now as evil as they come. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!”

“Doesn’t the author prefer ‘there’s more to Snape than meets the eye even after book 6’ plotlines better than the ‘Snape is a bad guy after all’ plotlines?” asked Lucius.

“He does,” said Snape, “but this fic after all is just a parody: not meant to be taken seriously.” He finished brewing the potion and handed it to Lucius. “Have the Princess drink some of that and she will fall instantly in love with the first person she kisses afterward. If she struggles, put the Imperius Curse on her.”

“Excellent!” exclaimed Lucius. “Everything is following into place now.”

“Indeed it is, brother in law,” said Bellatrix. With that, all three of them let out the evil laugh going: “MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!”

* * *

“This is an outrage! I demand to be let out now!” yelled Hermione. She was locked up in the tower of Malfoy Manor along with Crookshanks and Hedwig for some reason. “What is it with you Malfoys and my being locked up in a tower all the time anyway?”

The door suddenly opened and in strolled Draco Malfoy. “My dear, Prince Charming is here,” he said sounding all suave. “Now I know the wedding is tonight but what do you say to a prewedding romp in the bed?”

“Whatever happened to bad luck in seeing each other before the wedding?” Hermione sarcastically said while fixing Draco with a glare.

“Wedding laws were meant to be broken,” said Draco with a lecherous smirk. He started running toward Hermione only to be flung back by a squawking owl and caterwauling cat. “Rein in your pets, will you?” yelled Draco. Hermione merely stuck her tongue out at him.

“Draco, if you would step outside,” said Lucius as he and Snape (still wearing pink bunny slippers for some reason) stepped inside. “How are your living accomadations Princess?” Hermione folded her arms, hmphed, and looked away.

“I see she’s quite stubborn,” said Snape. He stepped toward Hermione only to have Crookshanks and Hedwig leap in front of him.

“Don’t step forth! I protect my mistress with my life,” hissed Crookshanks.

“And this time, I’m joining as well,” said Hedwig.

“Hmm,” said Snape, “Perhaps you two would be excellent test subjects.”

“Wha...” Before either could react Snape stuffed some of his potion down Crookshanks and Hedwig’s throat and forced their beak and jaws together. The two animals spluttered as they separated when they suddenly made eye contact.

(Play Classical Love theme, if you know what I’m talking about)

“Oh my Crookshanks!”

“Oh my Hedwig!” The owl and the cat embraced each other with wings and paws and started talking sweet nothings.

“My Crookie, you are so orange and sweet. Why have I not noticed before?”

“My Wiggy, you are so white and pure. Why am I only seeing this now?”

“Crookie!”

“Wiggy!”

“What have you done to them?” exclaimed Hermione.

“Only what’s going to happen to you, Imperio,” said Lucius. Hermione was suddenly placed under the Imperius curse while Hedwig and Crookshanks were stuck in their lovey dovey world. Slowly, Hermione sipped the potion.

* * *

“Where are our rights? Where are our rights! You’re supposed to say you have the right to remain silent!” squawked Pigwidgeon. “Why didn’t they read our rights? Huh? Huh? HUH? Come on, give us our rights here! I demand that you say ‘you have the right to remain silent’! Come on say it! ‘The right to remain silent’! Say it! Can you say it? Huh? Huh? HUH?”

“Pig, you do have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity!” snapped Ron. He, Harry, Neville, Ginny, Luna, Pigwidgeon, Buckbeak, and Arnold were locked up in the dungeons. Harry was pacing back and forth, Pigwidgeon was fluttering around like mad, and the rest were sitting on the floor.

“I have to rescue Hermione!” declared Harry. “But blast it! I can’t do it stuck in here! I need to get out here!”

“Smart thinking Einstein,” Ginny said grumpily. Harry ignored her.

“Already, I can feel the madness creeping upon me,” muttered Buckbeak.

“Hey Harry!” the troupe looked over to see the Ghost Busters and several members of Harry’s Fan Club standing outside the cell doors.

“Too late,” muttered Buckbeak.

“Guys, how did you get here?” asked Harry. “For that matter how did you even find out we were here?”

“Never underestimate the power of gossip,” said Cho with a wink, “especially when the object of your club is concerned. And besides, Ginny called us: she’s a member of our club.”

“What?” exclaimed Ron, starring at his sister.

Ginny looked rather embarrassed as she gritted her teeth and hissed, “Choooooo.” Cho simply shrugged.

“Now, to get you all out of here...”

“I’m afraid there’s no key,” said Neville.

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Why didn’t you just use Alohomora?” As if on cue, the door latched open.

Feeling stupid, Harry looked toward the others and said, “Lets pretend that never happened.” The others agreed.

Ron walked up to Cho and said, “Sweet maiden, will you have the honor...”

“NO RON!” cried Harry. Together he, Neville, Ginny, Pigwidgeon, and Buckbeak tackled Ron and pinned him to the ground.

“I’ll break the habit! I’ll break the habit!” cried Ron. The others released him. “Besides, I have better things to do. I sense him: that pointy chinned, arrogant snot with pulled back blonde hair who goes by some stupid nickname, has the odor of ferrets, and thinks he’s God’s gift to women. He’s here!” With that, Ron straightened his hat and took off out of the dungeons.

“I better go with him,” said Luna. “Otherwise he might end up proposing to Bellatrix Lestrange of all people.” She took off after the redhead.

“I need to stop that wedding,” said Harry. “Can’t let blasted ‘Charming’ take Hermione to the wedding bed.”

“Ha, no kidding,” said Mcladdon. “Cause I’ll be the one who takes her to the wedding bed.”

“I suppose I don’t blame you for saying that,” said Neville. “If I could, I’d ask to marry her myself.”

“Neither of you will even think such things!” snarled Harry, looking very, very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY scary. Mcladdon cowered in fear while Neville desperately shook his head.

“I wasn’t being serious, Harry,” said Neville.

“Forget everything,” said Harry. “We’ve got a wedding to crash.”

* * *

The guests to the wedding were starting to arrive at Malfoy Manor. Fleur Delacour arrived this time accompanied by fiancé Bill Weasley.

“So why are we here exactly?” asked Bill.

“Becauze it would be unwize to ignore an invitation from ze Malfoys,” said Fleur.

“Oh don’t I know that?” muttered Bill.

“Well look on the bright side,” said Bill’s brother, Charlie. “It’s a wedding. There are bound to be plenty of single women feeling desperate.”

“Er, hello. Engaged,” said Bill, indicating his incredibly hot fiancée.

“Oh you just had to point it out, didn’t you?” grumbled Charlie.

It was in that instant when two dramatic sounding voices came over singing, “Whispering pretty storiiiiies I long to hear once mooooooooooore!”

“Fred and George are here,” said Charlie. Sure enough the Court Jesters Fred and George Weasley showed up along with Angelina Johnson and Alicia Spinnet.

“They’re insisting on finishing their song,” explained Angelina as Fred and George started dancing around.

Fred: “Strolling with my girlie...” George: “...where the dew is pearly early...” Together: “... in the mooooooorning.”

Fred: “Butterflies all flutter up...” George: “...and kiss each little buttercup...” Together: “...at daaaaaaaawning.”

“And they’re insisting that they only sing when they’re on screen,” said Alicia.

The wedding meanwhile for some reason was being coordinated by centaurs. The wedding photographer, Colin Creevy along with his brother Denis Creevy walked up to the centaurs and asked, “Excuse me, but is Minister Fudge around here somewhere?”

The centaur Bane looked down at Colin and Denis and said, “Well, I’m not sure. He...”

“Hey! He was talking to me!” yelled the centaur Ronan.

“No! He was talking to me!” Bane yelled back. With that, the two started slugging each other while the Creevy brothers were taken care of by another centaur.

“Minister Fudge is already in Malfoy Manor,” said the centaur Firenze. “The stars have foretold this to me.”

“Well, if that’s the case,” said Colin. He and Denis started making their way over to Malfoy Manor.

“Will you two break it up?” yelled another centaur, Magorian. “We have a wedding to coordinate!”

Within Malfoy Manor Minister Fudge was going around his rounds while being followed by a lemming like redhead. “Well, the wedding for the young prince is a festive occasion is it not?” said Fudge.

“Yes Minister Fudge!” said Percy Weasley. “You are correct in all for whatever you say I shall do. I will follow you wherever you may go. I shall do whatever order you give of me. Just say the word and it is yours Minister Fudge.”

Fudge’s companion Amanda Bones sighed and said, “Why did he come along?”

“Yes, yes, yes,” said Fudge. He took on a delighted expression when he came by the Royal Family. “Your Majesty! It is quite an honor for me to be officiating your son’s wedding...”

“Fudge, you’re fired,” said Lucius.

Fudge goggled at Lucius and managed a “Wha...” before being shoved aside by a lion like man with a limp.

“All right, clear out. Clear out. You’re no longer needed here,” said the lion like man. “From now on I, Rufus Scrimgeour, am the Minister.”

“Yes Minister Scrimgeour!” said Percy Weasley. “You are correct in all for whatever you say I shall do. I will follow you wherever you may go. I shall do whatever order you give of me. Just say the word and it is yours Minister Scrimgeour.” Amanda Bones sighed again.

“Well then, lets go shall we?” said Scrimgeour. “I have a wedding to officiate.”

* * *

Outside, the prewedding party was in full swing. Fred and George were doing the entertainment:

Fred( with dramatic pose): “If I had Aladdin’s lamp for only a day,”

George (with dramatic pose): “IIIII’d make a wish and here’s what I’ll say,”

Together (linking arms and dancing in circles): “Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the mooooorning!”

You guys are still singing that song?

“Well we insist on finishing our songs,” said Fred.

“So how did you like it your Majesty?” asked George. It was only then that they realized that they were no longer singing for the Royal Family in the throne room but were rather in the courtyard with the wedding party.

The wedding was attracting all manners of guests including those that weren’t invited. Local con man Mundungus Fletcher was there trying to pass off his wares.

“Take this tonic, rub it on your head and within a matter of 24 hours you will have a full head of hair,” said Fletcher.

“Really?” said Horace Slughorn as he observed Mundungus’s tonic, “Because I’ve been searching for something like that for a long time; can’t make a good impression on the potential higher ups without a full head of hair.”

“Oh no you don’t Dung!” growled the voice of Mad-Eye Moody. Mundungus jumped about two feet. “Trying to pull a fast one again? Not even the slammer is good for you.”

“Mad-Eye. Really now,” said Fletcher, starting to sweat.

“Is there a problem here?” Head of security, Kingsley Shacklebolt made his way over toward them.

“Aye Shacklebolt,” said Moody. “Fletcher here was trying to pull a fast one.”

“You mean it’s not really a hair tonic?” said Slughorn, sounding rather disappointed.

“No it’s not,” growled Moody. Slughorn sauntered away looking glum while Moody and Shacklebolt escorted Mundungus away.

Several more guests showed up.

“Hagrid. How nice to see you. I heard you’ve been having some trouble with your Tasks,” said Dumbledore, his chorus behind him.

“It is a very commendable job to be reining in such Tasks,” said McGonagal.

“I-it was scary. B-but he managed t-to do it,” stuttered Fang.

“I did ‘ave some trouble sir,” said Hagrid, “But wi’ a lotta work, I’ve mana’ed tah get ‘em along each o’er,” said Hagrid. To demonstrate he pointed over to his tasks in the background.

In the distance was Norbert, Fluffy, Aragog, and Grawp all of them having their arms (paws, legs, talons) wrapped around each other, swaying back and forth with smiles on their faces as they sang,

“We are the world, we are the children,

We are the ones who make a brighter day so let’s start giving.

There’s a choice we’re making, we’re saving our own lives.

It’s true we’ll make a better day, just you and me...”

“Incredible feat,” said Dumbledore.

“Most incredible,” said Flitwick.

“Rather an impressive guest list,” said Arthur Weasley as he leaned over the bar. “I even closed my pub for this but maybe I should’ve brought some things as well.”

“No worries, I’ll care for all drinks,” said Tom the bartender.

Molly nodded and said, “And I’ve got all the food. No worries I’ll cater every person at this wedding.”

Anyway, although big stars such as Celestina Warbeck and the Weird Sisters were amongst the guests, the music for the wedding was coming from the Marauders.

“Why the blasted heck are we doing another job for the Malfoys?” exclaimed Sirius.

“Don’t ask me,” muttered Lily.

“Oh I booked the gig,” said Pettigrew, sounding delighted. “It’s good for publicity and its good money. Aren’t I right?”

The other members of the band stared at Pettigrew incredulously. James shook his head and said, “Peter, you’re fired.”

“What? But you need me! Who’s going to play drums?”

“I’ll play drums!” the band looked toward the guests to see a young woman with shocking pink hair run their way toward them. “I know how to play drums! No worries, I’ve got the experience. Tell them Sirius. I’ll just grab the sticks and...” The young woman tripped over the drum set and went crashing painfully to the ground, the drums falling all over her.

“My cousin, Nymphadora Tonks,” said Sirius. “And yes, she does have experience.”

“Don’t call me Nymphadora!” snapped Tonks as she tried to untangle herself from the drums and cymbals. Remus cleared away the drums and took Tonks’ hand before pulling her up to her feet. It was then that their eyes met.

“H-hi,” said Tonks, her cheeks turning red.

“Hi,” said Remus, his voice a tad high.

Tonks chuckled and said, “Wotcher everyone.”

“Hi there,” said the others. “Welcome to the band,” said Lily. Pettigrew meanwhile walked away sulking. “Well, let’s get set up,” said Lily. As she started, she suddenly came face to face with the Dursleys.

“Lily,” said Petunia, the tone of her voice chilly.

“Petunia, my dear sister,” said Lily, a false smile on her face.

“They’re sisters?” exclaimed Tonks.

James nodded. “It’s a long story,” he said.

“So, how is the band?” asked Petunia.

“Quite well thank you,” said Lily. “How is your son?”

“Doing well,” said Petunia. “In fact, he is to be married soon.”

“And how much did it take to get that arranged?” said Sirius. Lily and James gave Sirius a warning look while the Dursleys looked murderous.

“Come, let us leave them to themselves,” said Petunia, haughtily.

Finally, the wedding was about to take place. The guests all took their spots as Draco stood up at the altar, Rufus Scrimgeour officiating.

OK everyone, if there are any and I mean ANY characters missing from this fic, they’re ALL in the wedding crowd. Ha!

* * *

“Oh this is boring. We should be there at the wedding!” grumbled Blaise Zabini, one of the guards at Malfoy Manor.

“Don’t I know it?” said Roger Davies, also a guard. “There are all those single gals at the wedding and we’re stuck here!”

“Well, can’t help that can we? We’ve got a job to do,” said another guard Terry Boot.

“That’s correct,” said a third guard, Zacharias Smith. “We need to stop all trespassers.”

“Trespassers?” asked a fourth guard, Michael Corner. “Well what are those guys?” The guards looked up to see Harry Potter and his troupe running passed them.

“Trespassers!” yelled Zabini. “Stop them!” The guards gave chase.

“Guess we’ve been found out,” muttered Neville as he ran along with the others.

“Never mind them!” yelled Harry. “Come on! The wedding is taking place in the courtyard!”

“STOP WHERE YOU ARE! I SAID STOP!” shouted Zacharias Smith.

“Let me take care of them,” said Ginny, “Go Arnold!” Ginny placed the puffskin on the ground before taking off after the others.

The guards all stopped in front of the cute little puffskin whom looked up at them with wide innocent eyes. “Hello, my name is Arnold. I like your shiny clothes.”

Zabini kicked Arnold out of the way and started chasing the troupe.

“I should’ve gotten a cat!” grumbled Ginny as the troupe continued their running. Ron suddenly stopped in his tracks and turn around.

“Ron?” asked Harry.

“Go!” shouted Ron. “I’ll take care of this!” Being low on time, the rest of the troupe had no choice to leave Ron behind.

The guards soon came upon Ron looking as cute and adorable as ever...

“What the heck is that look?” said Zabini. “What are you trying to do? Look so adorable that we’ll be going ‘aaawwwww’?”

Ron shook his head and said, “Forget it. En guarde!”

* * *

Still under the Imperius, Hermione started walking down the aisle, looking as lovely as ever in her white wedding dress.

“I should haff asked the Princess to marry me ven I had the chance,” groaned Viktor Krum.

“There, there Viktor, there are plenty of other girls out there,” said Karkaroff.

“Say,” said Petunia from her seat, “The bride looks awfully familiar...”

“Does she now?” asked Delores Umbridge from a different seat. “She took a good look at Hermione and muttered, “Say, she really does...”

* * *

The troupe was still making their way toward the courtyard when they came upon Crookshanks being harassed by Mrs. Norris.

“Come with me handsome,” sad Mrs. Norris. “Let us fall in love in do all sorts of lovey dovey things together. Let us travel to the moon and kiss under the stars.”

“Let go of me!” snapped Crookshanks. “I already have a love in my life!”

As if on cue, Hedwig fluttered down and kicked Mrs. Norris away. “No one harasses my Crookie!” she snapped.

“Wiggy!” said Crookshanks. Mrs. Norris stared at the owl and the cat in disbelief.

“An owl and a cat?” exclaimed Mrs. Norris. “What has this world come to?”

“Well this is a new development,” said Buckbeak. The animals looked up to see that they had an audience.

Crookshanks stuttered, “Er, well it’s kind of a long story... Never mind that. Harry! Hermione’s been given a love potion! She’ll end up falling in love with the first guy she kisses!”

“What?” exclaimed Harry. “Why didn’t you stop it from happening?”

Hedwig and Crookshanks looked embarrassed. Hedwig started explaining, “Well, you see...”

Harry just shook his head and said, “Forget it! Come on!”

* * *

Scrimgeour started speaking as Hermione took her place next to Draco. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...”

“You know, the princess looks a little too familiar,” Umbridge muttered.

* * *

“We’re here!” exclaimed Harry as they came upon the entrance of the courtyard.

“Wait Harry!” shouted Neville. “We can’t crash a wedding unless it’s at the right timing.”

“WHAT?!”

“What I mean is that when the minister says, ‘if there are any objections to why this couple should be wed please step forward’ is when you’re supposed to mention your objections.”

“Well when is he going to say it?” snapped Harry, impatiently.

“Let me look, let me look,” said Neville as he peeked into the courtyard. “Oh dear, I think he’s already said it.”

“Oh for crying out...

Harry threw the doors to the courtyard open just as Scrimgeour was saying, “I hereby pronounce you husband and...”

“I OBJECT!” yelled Harry as he ran into the courtyard.

“Harry?” said Lily and James, as they saw their son run across the courtyard.

“Harry?” said Hermione, snapping out of the Imperious.

“This wedding will NOT be taking place!” yelled Harry.

Draco haughtily sneered and said, “Your services are done with, knight. So why do you insist on stopping my wedding?”

“Because she’s supposed to be marrying me!” yelled Harry. At Hermione and Lily’s gasps, he turned pale and stuttered, “T-that is if she will accept.”

“Well, let me think,” said Hermione. She faced Draco once before shoving him away and shouting, “YES!”

Lucius suddenly stood up and shouted, “Draco! She has drunk the potion! Kiss her now!”

Before Hermione could react, Draco grabbed her face and pressed his lips to hers.

“NO!” shouted Harry, but it was too late. Hermione now looked upon Draco adoringly. She gently touched her fingers on his handsome face and...

“HIYA!” Hermione suddenly head butted Draco knocking him unconscious. “Kiss me again and I’ll do worse!” she said.

“What the... SNAPE! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE A BAD GUY!” yelled Lucius.

“I am!” said Snape from the audience. “The original plan may have been that I made colored water instead of a love potion, but for this plotline I made a genuine potion!”

“Potion?” Slughorn suddenly exclaimed. “Oh dear. Er, well, I found some kind of love potion sitting in a vial on a table earlier today... I thought the contents might’ve been a little too dangerous so I replaced it with colored water...” Lucius and Snape stared at a timid looking Slughorn in disbelief.

“Uh, you mean you replaced it with a potion that only works on animals right?” said Crookshanks.

“No, no. It was just colored water,” said Slughorn. “The only way it could’ve had any sort of effect was if there were genuine feelings there to begin with.”

Crookshanks goggled. “WHAT? Well how does that explain... Oh.”

“Harry!” said Hermione as she made her way over toward Harry.

“Hermione!” cried Harry. The two embraced to the applause of everyone (well almost everyone) in the crowd. Lily started sobbing outright while James put his arm around her, a proud look on his face.

Draco groaned as he slowly stood up. “Oooooh, my hea...” He was startled when he saw the rapier of Ron Weasley pointed at his face. Behind Ron were the guards, all beaten up.

Ron grinned and said, “Hello, my name is Ronald B. Weasley. You dishonored my sister. Prepare to die.”

Draco paled as he stared at the pointy end of the rapier before turning around and running away for dear life, screaming like a girl.

“Hey! Get back here!” yelled Ron, giving chase.

“Hermione, I love you,” said Harry, “If you would do me the most wonderful of favors by being my wife...”

“Yes Harry,” said Hermione. “I love you too. I would love to be your wife.” The two leaned toward each other intending to kiss when...

“OK, enough of the lovey dovey stuff!” said Don Voldemort as he threw the doors of the courtyard open again. The thugs and goons of the Death Eater Mafia suddenly streamed into the courtyard, detaining the startled guests. “Rodolphus, secure the east gate. Rabastan take care of the west. Greyback, I’m going to need a watchdog at the southern gate. You Judgson, stand guard at the north,” said Don Voldemort.

“W-what is it that you want Godfather?” stuttered Lucius.

“Lucius, Lucius. My poor Lucius,” said Voldemort. “You have failed the business one time too many now. No more charades, the family is taking over the kingdom outright. We will conduct all business from now on.” Don Voldemort looked over the crowd and said, “If anybody has any questions, please hold them for a minute. This is my only number...”

(To the tune of “I’m So Pretty” from West Side Story)

Voldemort: I’m so evil, oh so evil

I’m so evil and nasty and meeeeeean

And I pity, all those folks whom I send the light that’s green.

Death Eaters: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-laaaa-la-laaaaa

Voldemort: I’m so horrid, oh so horrid

I’m so horrid and putrid and baaaaad

And I tell you, all this rosy stuff makes me mad!

Death Eaters: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-laaaa-la-laaaaa

Voldemort: Who’s that evil looking dude in that mirror there?

Death Eaters: What mirror where?

Voldemort: Who could that evil looking guy be?

Death Eaters: Who could he be?

Voldemort: What evil looking eyes. What an evil looking scowl. What an evil looking mug. What an evil looking faaaaaaaace!

Voldemort: I’m so evil, oh so evil

I’m so evil and nasty and meeeeeean

And I tell you, it’s so wonderful now to be seeeeeeeeeen!!!

Death Eaters: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-laa-laa-la!

Voldemort smirked and said, “And now, as the first victim, prepare to die Harry Potter.”

“Why are you so obsessed with killing me?” demanded Harry, “for as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been obsessed with killing me!”

“Ah, well I suppose it is time to reveal the truth,” said Don Voldemort. “Harry, I am your father...”

“No you’re not!” yelled James. “I’m his father! He has no other father but me! Lily can vouch for me!”

“I sure can,” said Lily suggestively. James turned toward her and smirked.

“It sure was rather enjoyable wasn’t it?” he said.

“It always is,” said Lily.

“OK, don’t need to know the details!” exclaimed Harry.

“Tut, tut. If you would let me finish,” said Voldemort. “Harry, I am your father’s uncle’s brother in law’s daughter’s cousin’s nephew’s former roommate.”

“And that makes us what exactly?” asked Harry.

“Absolutely nothing,” said Voldemort. “The real truth is that it is because I am simply your archenemy. It’s the law of archenemies, you know. Sherlock Holmes had James Moriarity. Superman has Lex Luthor. Cloud Strife has Sephiroth. Neo has Agent Smith. In the same way, Harry Potter has Voldemort. That was what was decreed by J. K. Rowling.”

“Let me at them,” hissed Nagini. “I want them all.”

“Patience Nagini,” said Voldemort. “Now, what to do with the princess.”

“Princess?” Umbridge suddenly exclaimed. “That’s no princess! That’s my step daughter Hermione Granger!”

“That’s right!” shouted Vernon Dursley. “She’s supposed to be married to my son!”

Voldemort looked bored as he said, “Well that’s clearly not happening.”

“It’s not fair!” yelled Dudley, throwing a tantrum. “Why does Harry get to have everything? It’s not fair! I should get her!”

“I demand that she be married into the Dursleys!” yelled Umbridge. “I have a whole inheritance hanging on that marriage!”

Voldemort stared at Umbridge incredulously before saying, “Whack her.”

“What do you mean ‘whack’...” Umbridge started screaming out curses as the Death Eaters dragged her out of the courtyard. One of them grabbed a wand... and whacked it on her head knocking her unconscious.

* * *

Meanwhile, Draco ran through the corridors of Malfoy Manor screaming at the top of his lungs. On the way, he passed by his fan club.

“Charming!” exclaimed Pansy. “How could you leave us behind and...” Before Pansy could even finish her sentence Draco was gone, completely ignoring the girls.

“What’s up with him?” asked Mandy. It was then that Ron appeared.

Ron approached the girls and started saying, “Sweet maiden, will you have the honor...” Suddenly, Ron stopped mid-sentence. He walked over to a Greco-Roman style pillar and started bashing his head on it. After sixteen or seventeen bashes Ron stopped, walked over to the girls, and said, “Excuse me ladies, but have you seen a pointy chinned, arrogant snot with pulled back blonde hair who goes by some stupid nickname, has the odor of ferrets, and thinks he’s God’s gift to women run by here.” All this time, blood was spurting from his forehead.

“Er, if you’re talking about Charming, he went that way,” said Marietta.

“Thank you,” said Ron before taking off after the way the girls had shown him, blood still spurting.

Ron caught up with Draco in the dining room, the bleeding stopped. He cornered Draco into the wall by the pointy end of his rapier and said, “Hello, my name is Ronald B. Weasley. You dishonored my sister. Prepare to die.”

“Kill me if you want!” said Draco. “Stab me! Mutilate me! Butcher me! Do whatever you want with me! Just don’t touch my hair! Don’t touch my beautiful, beautiful hair!”

Ron was about to run Draco through when Ginny appeared and shouted, “Wait Ron! I’ve got a better idea.” She turned to her companion and said, “Luna, I’d like to make my wish now.”

“I already know what your wish is,” said Luna. Like the drawing of daggers, Luna drew out a pair of hair clippers.

For the next few minutes all that could be heard were Draco’s screams... and a steady buzzing.

* * *

“Now, we would like this take over to go on peacefully,” said Voldemort.

“Ha! Fat chance of that!” snarled Harry as he drew his sword.

Voldemort sighed and said, “Well I guess violence is always unavoidable. Death Eaters Attack!”

Death Eaters pounced on the various guests only to have many of them fight back. Harry started slicing with his sword while Neville started bashing them with his pots and pans. Buckbeak and Crookshanks started clawing at their victims while even Hermione grabbed a sword and started slashing at the Death Eaters and the Royal Guards who worked for Voldemort.

“Rather exciting isn’t it?” said Harry as he hacked away a Death Eater.

“It sure is,” said Hermione as she fought off another Death Eater.

“So where would you like to go for the honeymoon?” asked Harry as he fought off several guards.

“How about Paris?” said Hermione as she deflected a blow from another guard.

“Paris sounds good,” said Harry. He noticed that more and more Death Eaters were streaming in and shouted, “GUYS!”

The Ghost Busters suddenly burst into the room and through the ghost trap on the floor. “GO PEEVES!” shouted Seamus as he unleashed the trap, sending forth a cackling Peeves

Told ya that scene was relevant to the fic.

“Victims! Lots Victims!” cackled Peeves as he started terrorizing the Death Eaters and Guards. The Ghost Busters even turned on their lasers and used those to blast away the mobsters.

The Marauders got into the act as well. James and Sirius started bashing their guitars on the heads of the Death Eaters while Remus smashed his keyboards into the guards. Even Tonks fought off the guards while twirling her drum sticks around like nunchucks.

“Now that’s a way of using your instruments,” said James.

“Hell yeah! I’ve always wanted to do this. El Kabom!” shouted Sirius as he bashed his guitar on a mobster.

“Just be careful,” said Lily as se fended some guards off by using her mike cord as a whip, “That’s expensive equipment.”

“Get ‘em Tasks!” ordered Hagrid. In response, Norbert started shooting bursts of flame at the mobsters and guards while Fluffy, Aragog, and Grawp started tossing them around like ragdolls. Shacklebolt and Moody also started blasting away at the Death Eaters, Moody easily dispatching Crouch Jr.

While Harry was fighting off some mobsters, Hermione noticed that Bellatrix was creeping up behind him. “Harry watch out!”

“Too late!” snarled Bellatrix. She was about to stab Harry when she was felled by a flying kick to the face courtesy of Ron and Ginny Weasley.

“No, you’re too late!” declared Ron, straightening his hat and brandishing his rapier. ZLuna appeared as well, fighting off the Death Eaters with some form of divine power emanating from her... OK, she was just blowing them away with her wings.

“Where’ve you been?” asked Harry.

“Taking care of personal business,” said Ron. He noticed that Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy were trying to escape. “Here use this.” Ron passed to Harry, a tied up and gagged, sobbing, and completely shaved bald Draco Malfoy.

“Excellent,” said Harry. He grabbed Draco by the binds and started swinging him around 360 degrees. After building enough momentum, he let Draco go to send him flying into his parents, knocking all three of them out.

Snape tried to go to the aid of the Malfoys only to have Neville throw some pots at his feet. The pots connected with his pink bunny slippers, causing him to lose his balance and topple over. “I love these things,” said Neville, kissing his pots.

“Look out!” yelled Fleur as Greback lunged at Bill Weasley, fangs completely bared. Before he could in get close however, he was bashed in the jaws by Remus Lupin’s keyboard.

“Bite that wolfie!” snarled Remus. Rookwood tried to attack Remus from behind only to be smashed in the face by Tonk’s drumsticks.

“Wotcher. Never a dull moment,” she said.

Fred kicked away a Death Eater before shouting “Real cool. Do it George!”

“Right away!” said George, pulling a certain lever on some kind of machine the twins had. The machine unleashed a bunch of living fireworks that started chasing the mobsters and guards around.

“It is over, Tom Marvolo Riddle,” said Dumbledore as he blasted Nagini away. “It would be best if you surrendered now.”

“That would be the wisest course,” said McGonagall.

Don Voldemort’s eyes narrowed until they were a pair of red slits. “That name is taboo!” he hissed. “And don’t think I’m finished yet; I still have the secret weapon. GO! MONSTER OF SLYTHERIN!”

The ground suddenly rumbled and burst forth unleashing a mega huge, 60 foot long, poison green serpent: a basilisk. “Ah, finally my turn!” hissed the basilisk.

(Start playing the battle theme from Final Fantasy VII)

“Whoa! Giant snake!” yelled Ron.

“Hello, obvious!” hissed the Basilisk. With a spin of his tail, the Basilisk flung away Ron, Neville, Buckbeak, Moody, Shacklebolt, and several other good guys.

“EH HEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!! Lets see what the biggie snakie can doooo!” cackled Peeves. As he flew toward the giant snake, the basilisk simply slung its head upward, knocking Peeves straight into the ceiling. Despite being a poltergeist, Peeves was flattened like a pancake on the ceiling (like a cartoon).

“Go Tasks!” yelled Hagrid. Norbert, Aragog, Grawp, and Fluffy all rushed the basilisk at the same time, only to be flung away by its tail. The basilisk even shunted out Fred and George’s fireworks.

“It’s hopeless!” screamed Ginny. “What are we going to do? What are we going to do?”

“Calm down!” yelled Harry. “There’s always a way through this!”

“Harry!” said Dumbledore. “Think! There’s a reason why the battle theme from Final Fantasy VII is playing in the background right now.”

“There are hints in such things,” said Pomfrey.

“Use the spell!” said Dumbledore and his chorus at once.

Harry stared at them looking perplexed. “What spell? Cura?”

“No! The other spell!” said Dumbledore.

Harry started thinking desperately. “Spell, spell, spell... er, SUMMON!”

No sooner had Harry yelled that, a burst of light spread forth from him, flying high into the sky. It blazed into a fireball before taking on a bird shape. Slowly, the flames subsided to reveal a scarlet bird with most awesome of visages crying, “FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWKES ---- is here.”

“Awesome!” said Harry as Fawkes started hovering over his head. He started growing somewhat alarmed however when Fawkes continued hovering rather tan attacking the basilisk whom was now terrorizing the good guys. “Why aren’t you doing anything?”

“Patience,” said Fawkes. “You know how these turns go in Final Fantasy VII. I have to wait for my time meter to fill.”

“Wha... well hurry it up will you?”

It was then that the basilisk noticed Hermione. “Ah! A lovely princess to satisfy my monster appetite,” said the basilisk, lunging at her.

“No!” yelled Harry. He leapt in front of Hermione and caught the basilisk’s fang on his sword. “You will not harm her!”

Fawkes meanwhile was counting down. “7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... GO! LIMIT BREAK!” Fawkes suddenly started twisting around into forming a flaming, horizontal, tornado. The fiery tornado plowed straight toward the basilisk like a drill.

“Eh?” The basilisk barely noticed the tornado before it plowed straight into him. The basilisk let out an unearthly scream before collapsing to the ground with a mighty shudder. However, Don Voldemort suddenly appeared from behind the basilisk.

“Forgotten me?” he cackled. “Avada Kedavra!” The green light started making its way toward Harry and Hermione.

“NO!” yelled Harry. Acting on instinct, Harry whipped out the frying pan Luna had given him. To the surprise of everyone there, the killing curse ricocheted right off the frying pan flying back at the caster.

Don Voldemort merely managed a small “Oh,” before the Avada Kedavra consumed him. When all was over, the Godfather of the Death Eater Mafia was gone.

Little by little, the entire cast realized that the big bad boss was history. The good guys cheered while the bad guys all surrendered without a fight.

“It’s over!” said Harry as he tossed away the charred remains of the frying pan. He turned toward Hermione and said, “I love you Hermione Granger.”

Hermione smiled and said, “And I love you Harry Potter.” And thus, finally, their lips met in the most blissful of kisses. This started a chain reaction as Ron and Luna started kissing as well. James and Lily started kissing and Remus and Tonks started kissing even. This was followed by Bill and Fleur kissing and even Arthur and Molly. Soon, all of the romantic couples in the crowd were madly snogging each other.

As Harry and Hermione broke apart, they leaned their foreheads together. “I can’t wait till we’re married,” whispered Harry.

Hermione sighed and said, “I wish we were married now.”

“Not a problem!” said Luna, breaking her kiss with Ron. “OK, Hermione stand over here. Harry, stand opposite of her. Ronald, could you stand over there in the best man’s position? Neville; next to him as a groomsman. I’ll stand in as maid of honor. Ginny can be next to me as a bridesmaid. Molly, if you could replace that Draco figurine of Draco Malfoy on top of the cake with one of Harry. Marauders, strike up the music. Dumbledore, if you could officiate.”

“That will not be a problem,” said Dumbledore as he took his position.

(Start playing I’m a Believer by Smash Mouth)

And thus Harry and Hermione were married in the ceremony that was originally Draco’s. Lily started sobbing again as she saw her son blissfully married to the girl he loved while James and Sirius looked upon him proudly. Ron and Neville hooted as Harry removed Hermione’s garter before tossing it at Ron. Members of Harry’s fanclub were all sobbing in grief but they all got into the act along with what little of what was left of Draco’s fanclub (in name only at this point) in fighting for the bouquet, only to be disappointed when Luna caught it. As the happy couple blissfully danced away into the night, the stars shone upon them everlasting.

And now, for the cliché ending. And they all lived happily ever...

“Hold it right there!” shouted Ron (stop playing I’m a Believer) “Can’t end it yet! It’s time for the FIESTA!”

Neville grinned and said, “Featuring Ronald and Neville!”

You should all recognize this song. It’s by Ricky Martin.

Neville: She's into superstitions black cats and voodoo dolls.

Ron: I feel a premonition that girl's gonna make me fall.

Neville: She's into new sensations new kicks in the candle light.

Ron: She's got a new addiction for every day and night.

Both: She'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain.

She'll make you live her crazy life but she'll take away your pain

like a bullet to your brain. Come On!

Entire Cast: Upside, inside out she's livin la vida loca

She'll push and pull you down, livin la vida loca

Her lips are devil red and her skin's the color mocha

She will wear you out livin la vida loca Come On!

Livin la vida loca, Come on!

She's livin la vida loca.

Upside, inside out she's livin la vida loca

She'll push and pull you down, livin la vida loca

Her lips are devil red and her skin's the color mocha

She will wear you out livin la vida loca Come On!

Livin la vida loca, Come on!

She's livin la vida loca.

And now, for the cliché ending. And they all lived happily ever...

Wait! One more coda!

Amidst all this happening, Harry and Hermione noticed that Crookshanks was alone looking gloomy. “Crookshanks, what’s wrong?” asked Hermione.

“Huh?” said the orange cat. “Oh it’s nothing. Just, that I haven’t seen Hedwig for a bit now.”

“Say, I haven’t seen for a while either,” said Harry. “Where did she go?”

Crookshanks sighed and said, “Oh, she’s probably migrating or something...”

“Crookie!” to Crookshanks’s delight Hedwig suddenly flew into the scene and landed right next to him.

“Wiggy!” he cried. “Where have you been.”

Hedwig looked a little embarrassed as she said, “Well, I had to go hatch the little griffins.”

“Little griffins?” said Crookshanks. “What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t know how else to describe raptor/feline mixes,” said Hedwig.

“What?” exclaimed Crookshanks. A split second later, he surrounded by a bunch of twittering cat/owl babies fluttering around him crying “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!”

“Oh my!” said Crookshanks, looking overjoyed. “Oh my... I need to find a job!”

And now finally the cliché ending. And they all lived happily ever after.

The End

A/N And thus, this parody fic comes to an end. Don’t go accusing me of ripping off Shrek and Shrek 2 because the plot is a mixture of the two films plus loads and loads of other stuff. Anyway, if I missed any characters or made some mistakes just tell me. I hope everyone absolutely enjoyed this parody to the point of laughing out loud. You guys did laugh out loud right? Anyway, see all of you again.

E. C. R. Potter

A Fractured Fairy Tale Cast of Characters

Harry J. Potter ……………. Knight in Shining Armor

Neville Longbottom ……… His squire

Buckbeak …………………. His noble steed

Hedwig …………………… His owl

Hermione J. Granger ……... Peasant girl mistaken for a princess whom everyone wants to marry

Crookshanks ……………… Her cat

Ronald B. Weasley ………... Mercenary for hire: “Hello, my name is Ronald B. Weasley. You dishonored my sister. Prepare to die.”

Ginny M. Weasley ………… His sister

Pigwidgeon ……………….. His sidekick… er, owl

Luna Lovegood …………… Goddess of the Wishing Well

Draco Malfoy ……………... Prince Charming (or perhaps that pointy chinned, arrogant snot with pulled back blonde hair who goes by some stupid nickname, has the odor of ferrets, and thinks he’s God’s gift to women)

Lucius Malfoy …………….. King of Magic Land

Narcissa B. Malfoy ………... Queen of Magic Land

Lily Evans Potter ………….. Marauders Rock Band Lead Vocal: Harry’s mother

James “Prongs” Potter……... Marauders Rock Band Lead Guitar: Harry’s father

Sirius “Padfoot” Black ……. Marauders Rock Band Bass Guitar: Harry’s Godfather

Remus J. “Moony” Lupin …. Marauders Rock Band Keyboards

Peter “Wormtail” Pettigrew .. Marauders Rock Band Drums

Nymphadora Tonks ………... Marauders Rock Band Replacement Drums

Albus PWB Dumbledore …... Random old man who dispenses advise

Minerva McGonagall ………. Member of his chorus

Pomona Sprout ……………... Member of his chorus

Filius Flitwick ……………… Member of his chorus

Poppy Pomfrey …………….. Member of his chorus

Aberforth Dumbledore ……... His brother: Genie of the Wishing Well

Penelope Clearwater ………... Hogwarts Receptionist

Dobby ………………………. Hogwarts Guide

Fawkes ……………………… Final Fantasy-esque Summon

Vernon Dursley …………….. Local Peasant

Petunia Evans Dursley ……... Local Peasant Wife: Lily’s sister

Dudley Dursley …………….. Hermione’s arranged marriage

Rubeus Hagrid ……………... The Task Master

Norbert ……………………... Task #1

Fluffy ……………………..... Task #2

Aragog ……………………... Task #3

Grawp ……………………… Task #4

Voldemort ………………….. Godfather of the Death Eater Mafia

Severus Snape ……………… Potions Master of the Death Eater Mafia; Wears pink bunny slippers

Bellatrix B. Lestrange ……… Gun Moll of the Death Eater Mafia

Fenrir Greyback ……………. Watchdog of the Death Eater Mafia

Nagini ………………………. Death Eater Mafia Mascot

Walden McNair …………….. Death Eater Mafia Thug

Antonin Dolohov …………… Death Eater Mafia Goon

Rabastan Lestrange ………… Death Eater Mafia Thug

Rodolphus Lestrange ………. Death Eater Mafia Goon

Judgson …………………….. Death Eater Mafia Goon

Augustus Rookwood ……….. Kidnappers Inc. of the Death Eater Mafia

Bartemius Crouch Jr. ……….. Kidnappers Inc. of the Death Eater Mafia

Winky ………………………. Set with Crouch Jr.

Vincent Crabbe ……………… Charming’s bodyguard

Gregory Goyle ………………. Charming’s bodyguard

Monster of Slytherin ………… Voldemort’s Secret Weapon

Delores Umbridge …………... Hermione’s stepmother

Pansy Parkinson …………….. Founder and President of Prince Charming Fan Club: Hermione’s stepsister

Milicent Bulstrode …………... Prince Charming Fan Club Member

Cho Chang …………………... Former Prince Charming Fan Club Member, later Founder and President of Harry Potter Fan Club

Lavender Brown ……………... Former Prince Charming Fan Club Member, later Harry Potter Fan Club member though has an interest in WonWon

Parvati Patil …………………. Same as Lavender though no WonWon interest

Padma Patil ………………….. Her sister, also member of Harry Potter Fan Club

Hannah Abbot ……………….. Former Prince Charming Fan Club Member, later Harry Potter Fan Club member

Susan Bones ...……………….. Former Prince Charming Fan Club Member, later Harry Potter Fan Club member

Romilda Vane ………………. Same as above plus suspicious potion making

Marietta Edgecomb …………. Member of Prince Charming Fan Club

Mandy Blokenhurst …………. Member of Prince Charming Fan Club

Lisa Turpin ………………….. Local girl

Seamus Finnegan …………… Ghost Buster

Dean Thomas ……………….. Ghost Buster

Justin Finch-Fletchly ……….. Ghost Buster

Enie Macmillan ……………... Ghost Buster

Cormac Mcladdon …………... Ghost Buster

Fred Weasley ………………... Court Jester Brother “Nothing could be sweeter…”

George Weasley ……………... Court Jester Brother “…than to be in Carolina in the mooooooorning.”

Cornelius Fudge ……………... Minister: Malfoys’ perpetual ‘yes’ man

Percy Weasley ……………….. Fudge’s perpetual lemming like stooge

Amanda Bones ………………. Fudge’s companion

Rufus Scrimgeour ……………. Fudge’s replacement

Angelina Johnson ……………. Fred’s date to the wedding

Alicia Spinnet ………………...George’s date to the wedding

Lee Jordan …………………… News Anchor, reporting from the red carpet

Katie Bell ……………………. Co-Anchor, reporting from the red carpet

Cedric Diggory ……………… Magic Land Idol

Viktor Krum ………………… International Sports Star

Igor Karkaroff ………………. Viktor’s Agent

Oliver Wood ………………... Sports Star

Fleur Delacour ……………… Local Celebrity

Gabrielle Delacour ………….. Her sister

Olympe Maxime ……………. Her agent

Bill Weasley ………………… Her fiancé

Charlie Weasley …………….. His brother

Rita Skeeter ………………… Daily Prophet Reporter

Argus Filch …………………. Malfoy Manor Caretaker

Mrs. Norris …………………. His cat

Kreacher ……………………. Malfoy Manor servant

Ludovic Bagman …………… Beat ‘em up Knights day Announcer

Bartemius Crouch …………... Beat ‘em up Knights day Commentator #1

Gilderoy Lockhart …………... Beat ‘em up Knights day Commentator #2

Rolanda Hooch ……………… Beat ‘em up Knights day Referee

Arthur Weasley ……………... Owns Local Pub

Molly Weasley ……………… Runs Local Pub

Rosmerta ……………………. Works at Local Pub

Mundungus Fletcher ………... Local Con Man

Alastar “Mad-Eye” Moody …. Local Law Man

Kingsley Shacklebolt ……….. Local Security Guard

Trevor ………………………. Neville’s toad: currently somewhere in the tropics

Arnold ………………………. Ginny’s Puffskin: “Hello my name is Arnold…”

Arabella Figg ……………….. Creepy Old Lady

Sybil Trelawny ……………… “No. 1 Divinator in the land” or harmless old coot: your choice

Giant Squid …………………. Resides at Hogwarts

Sir Cadogan ………………… Portrait at Hogwarts

Fat Lady …………………….. Portrait at Hogwarts: Guards entrance

Ern …………………………... Local shmook with an axe

Quirrell ……………………… Greedy shmook with an axe

Stan Shunpike ………………. Pizza Delivery

Peeves ………………………. Shrieking Shack Poltergeist

Nearly Headless Nick ………. Shrieking Shack Ghost

Fat Friar …………………….. Shrieking Shack Ghost

Gray Lady …………………... Shrieking Shack Ghost

Bloody Baron ……………….. Shrieking Shack Ghost

Moaning Myrtle …………….. Shrieking Shack Ghost

Sir Patrick …………………... Shrieking Shack Ghost

Roger Davies ……………….. Wedding Guard

Zacharias Smith …………….. Wedding Guard

Terry Boot …………………... Wedding Guard

Michael Corner ……………... Wedding Guard

Blaise Zabini ………………... Wedding Guard; the one who kicks Arnold

Colin Creevy ………………... Wedding Photographer

Denis Creevy ………………... His brother

Horace Slughorn ……………. Wedding Guest; sucks up to anyone important

Firenze ………………………. Centaur and wedding coordinator

Bane ………………………… Centaur and wedding coordinator

Ronan ……………………….. Cebtaur and Wedding coordinator

Magorian ……………………. Centaur and Wedding coordinator

And all other Harry Potter Characters featured in canon.