Memories of What Might Have Been by Cerea Rating: PG13 Ship: Harry & Hermione Canon: Books 1 - 6 Genre: Romance Status: Paused Length: 2,884 words in 2 chapters Published: 8 Jul 2006 Last updated: 2 Oct 2006 I have written and re-written the next few chapters so many times I've lost count. I am going to see what I can do to fix things, but for now its paused. Thanks. From the Unofficial Portkey Archive: https://portkey-archive.org/story/6254/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Choosing What is Easy Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me, and the only profit I am making off of this is the satisfaction of a job well done, well at least a job done who knows how "well" it is. AN: Slightly AU - This is an idea I had a while ago, but it took me quite a while to get it to the state its in now. It begins right after OoTP and it is my take on why things went the way they did in HBP. This part is more about Harry's thoughts than anything, but if I continue this we'll see more HHR interaction. Thanks to dtown_curly_q for beta-ing this, its much better than I could have done on my own. Title: Memories of What Might Have Been Rating: PG13 Pairings: HHR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It seems like it all happened yesterday, but in reality, it has been about two years. Two years of not remembering, of not feeling, and then, all of the sudden, my world came crashing down on me. Imagine standing by a dam when it breaks and being crushed, then drowned, by the water. This is how I feel right now. I'm not breaking down because of what I have just done, but because of the decision I made two years ago. . . I was just about to walk out of the hospital wing at Hogwarts, starting to once again blame myself for Sirius' death, and then I looked back at her. She was sitting up in her bed talking to our friends. I don't think she saw me, which was a good thing. I knew at that point that I loved her. At the Ministry, when she was felled by that curse, my life stopped. It wasn't until Neville told me about her pulse that I finally came to. At the time I figured it was just because of how close we were as friends, but seeing her, especially in her weakened state, I couldn't deny it anymore. I was in love with Hermione Granger. As I sat on the ground, next to the empty shell of the "man" who had defined so much of my life, his wand snapped in half in my hands, I had to cry. All of the feelings I was supposed to experience during the last two years came flooding out of me. I knew that it was my decision and that the consequences were explained to me, but I couldn't believe it. I decided to close my eyes for a while before I got up to find Remus. I really wanted to find her, but I needed to come to terms first, and there was only one person who could help with that. "Harry, how are you feeling? I was worried when I got your owl," Remus asked, as he appeared in my room on Privet Drive. "I'm okay Remus, but I have a favor to ask," I replied, and he immediately put on a serious face. "I need to forget a few things for a while. . ." I began. "Harry, you know that Sirius' death was not your fault; you can't-" but I cut him off before he could continue. "No, that's not what I'm talking about. Well, it is a little, but not really. There are things that need to be forgotten, or, well, I need to forget. . .but I just. . .er, let me start over. . ." I took a deep breath, knowing how difficult this was going to be. "I know that Voldemort is just looking for ways to get to me through my friends and loved ones. He used my love for Sirius to get me to the Ministry, and it worked; I don't want that to happen again. I will continue working on Occlumency, but I need something more." "Harry, what are you asking?" Remus inquired, now completely confused, if the look on his face was any indication. "I need to forget that I love some people," I replied as I put my head down, finally saying it out loud. "People, or one person?" Remus asked with a glint in his eye. Before answering, I battled with myself, but I knew I could trust Remus. "Okay, only one person, but maybe it should be for everyone." "Does she know? I mean, will we need to include anyone else in these discussions?" He continued before I had a chance to interrupt. "No, she doesn't know, and she can't; no one can until this is all over," I answered. Remus sighed and took a while to comment. I can only assume that he was trying to formulate his response so I wouldn't snap at him. "What if she feels the same? Don't you think it's rather unfair to make this decision for her?" It was now my turn to take a while to respond, but eventually I looked at him with tired eyes and replied, "Remus, I don't know how she feels, but this has to be done. The reasons are too numerous. Believe me; this is the only way," I hoped that he would understand, and thankfully he did. "I'll look into what I can do, but it may take a few weeks," Remus said as he got up, "Take care of yourself, and remember your training." And with that he disappeared. For most of the holiday we tried to meet every other day or so, that way we could research what our options were. You could say that I enjoyed spending time out of Privet Drive, but the reason for the reprieve kept rearing its ugly head. I remember now how I would try to close my mind off, for fear that he would see my deepest desires. Looking back on it, I don't know if I succeeded or if he just wasn't interested, because I dreamed about her every night. As the holiday came to an end, we decided on what we would do. Before we began anything, I would cast a modified Fidelius charm on Remus, and I would act as the Secret Keeper. This way, Remus couldn't accidentally let anything slip without my permission. This was, of course, a difficult spell, but we figured out how to make it work. After the charm had been cast, Remus would place a complicated memory charm on me. Although I was hoping for more specific results, Remus explained that there were limitations to what we could do. As I saw Remus enter my room, I knew that he was ready, but I also knew he was going to once again try and talk me out of it. "Okay, before we start this, I want to make sure that this is truly what you want," He asked, knowing he could not win the argument, but trying anyway. "Remus, I told you, this has to be done. I can't control these feelings, and I don't want him to find out about them," I replied, just like I had the other dozen or so times he brought this up. "Which Ôhim' are we talking about?" That damn glint was in his eye again. "How about I say both of them, just so we can avoid the whole Ron discussion again," I replied. A few days before, he asked me the same question, and before I had a chance to answer, he started talking about Ron and what he would think about these new developments. I had forgotten that Remus was like a father to me and that he could read me quite well. I relented and explained that Ron was just one more reason for this to happen. "Very well then, before we begin anything, I need to explain what is going to happen. Obviously, I cannot cast a charm on you so you forget just this one emotion." "Why not, I thought that's what we agreed on," I replied, starting to get angry. "Think about it Harry. First, the human mind is very complex. I would not be able to remove any and all thoughts about her and how you feel; it is just too great a feat. Second, think of your mind as a photograph. If I removed that one emotion, it would be like cutting out a face from a photograph: You could see that something was missing, and it wouldn't take too long to piece everything together. Rather, what we have to do is dull all of the emotions that are similar to it, and thereby we can truly hide what we want. This is why I want to make sure this is what you want." My grave expression got even graver. "What will it feel like, losing all of those emotions?" "Well, I cannot say for sure, but you will most likely feel some things, but not others. For example, when you think of Sirius, you may remember how much you cared for him, but the feelings associated with his death will be lessened, or vice versa." "Huh? You mean that I could feel as depressed as I do now about his death, but I won't remember why? This is getting better by the minute." "Yes, that could happen, but I have tried to just deaden more recent emotions, which means that that result is unlikely. Anyway, continuing on," He smiled, but I could tell that he was none too happy with how this was progressing. "Your true feelings may appear sometimes, but they will be replaced with others very quickly. In fact, it will be so quick that sometimes you will feel as if feelings appear out of nowhere," He continued. "What do you mean?" "In order to insure that your feelings for her are completely masked, we will need to Ôredirect' these emotions to someone or something else. This way your mind will seem to be following the proper paths so someone reading your thoughts won't notice the loss." "Wait, that means that someone else will be put into danger; that's defeating the purpose," Again, I felt my anger rising, not at Remus, but rather the situation. "Harry, we need to make this as natural a feeling as possible, but since we are deadening your emotions, it won't feel the same. I'm not saying that someone else couldn't be in danger, but it is a choice that you need to make." "Do I have to choose someone, or will my mind just switch on to them?" I asked, although, as I did, I couldn't imagine having to choose someone as a target. "No, we will not choose a specific person; we'll let your mind do that. Of course, you have to remember that this spell will make you susceptible to any spells or potions that affect these types of emotions. For instance, let's say that you come across a love potion like Amorentia, you won't even have to ingest any in order to be effected. The good thing about this side effect is that all love potions and the like are temporary, and if you are not constantly exposed to it, the affect will diminish." "Okay, but since I won't remember this conversation anyway, it won't do me any good." "Yes, that is correct, but when the spell wears off, you will remember everything that happened, and I want you to be prepared for what may happen. Although, to be honest, only a fool would bring things like love potions into a school, but it has happened before." I was just about to speak, but Remus continued, looking even more serious than before, and I couldn't help but wonder how much worse this could get. "Okay, here is the last problem with this charm. Because we are altering your emotions, we are also taking away some inhibitions. You may find yourself walking into situations that you would normally know are dangerous, but you will feel very little, if any apprehension. Considering you already take more chances than you should, this could cause very serious problems." "Remus, is this just another way for you to talk me out of doing this?" "No Harry, I know that we are going to do this, but you need to understand that once the Fidelius charm is cast on me, I cannot tell anyone, including you, what is going on, which means that if something happens to you, I will be left with the knowledge of what I had done. Sorry, but I don't feel like having that on my head." Remus looked even more tired than he normally did, and it was at this point that I realized what I was really asking of him. "Remus, I'm sorry; I forgot that this was going to be hard on you too. I know I've explained myself before, but you need to know why this has to be done. The obvious reason is because I love her, and I don't want that being used against me, but there are other reasons. When I saw Hermione lying in the Department of Mysteries after that curse, I couldn't do anything, I wasn't even able to string a complete thought together, let alone curse anyone. What would I do if that happened when I was up against Voldemort? I understand that if this works and something does happen to her I will have to live with the knowledge that I kept it from her, but I need to be as focused as possible. This isn't just about having her be safe. I need to be able to react without any Ôinhibitions', as you said. Otherwise, I will be second guessing way too much." "I know, Harry. I just wish there was another way to do this." "There isn't; otherwise, we would have found it. The holidays are almost over, and this needs to happen before I go back." I was sounding a lot more sure of myself that I really was, but I knew is had to happen. "Remus, why don't we do this tomorrow. I think I need one more night to remind myself who I am doing this for." With that, he got up quietly and hugged me like any father would his son. "Harry, I want you to know that I will do everything I can to help you." "I know." The next day Remus came by and we finally set our plan into motion. As it turned out casting the two charms took only a half-hour or so. After all that preparation, my entire life changed in thirty minutes. I blinked my eyes open, "Hey Remus, what are you doing here?" I was very confused, but considering I had been in an immense depression ever since Sirius died, that didn't surprise me much. "Well, I came by to see how you were doing. Things have been rough these last few weeks." "Weeks, school just ended. . . " I really couldn't remember when school got out, or what was going on, for that matter. "I can see that Sirius' death has left you a little out of sorts." Before he could continue, I interrupted, "Actually, I'm feeling better about it. Sure, I miss him, but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders." Remus was smiling when he responded, "That's good to hear. You know Sirius wouldn't want you to blame yourself about this. By the way, have you heard from Ron or Hermione lately?" There was a curiosity in his eyes that I couldn't place. "Well, to be honest, I don't think so, but I can't be too sure," Part of me started to react to her name, but immediately it disappeared leaving me to wonder what was going on. I must have seemed concerned, because Remus interrupted my thoughts. "Harry, I'm sure its nothing. I bet that you'll hear from them in no time, and it will be like old times. You're probably just tired." "I'm sure you're right. I feel really exhausted; maybe I'll head to bed. Do you mind?" As I looked up I could almost see a faint look of triumph in his eyes. "No problem, I'll let myself out. Take care of yourself Harry. If you need anything, please let me know," He gave me a hug and left me with my sleep and dreams. That night, I remember dreaming about her, although I didn't recognize the face. Looking back on it, it was definitely Hermione. We were lying under a tree together; I had my head in her lap and was enjoying the feel of her hands playing with my hair. As I looked up so I could see her face, a bright light seemed to shine down and blind me, and before I knew it, I startled myself up and spent the next few hours trying to calm myself down. So here I find myself, fresh off the battlefield sitting in the Shrieking Shack with the man who had carried my burden for me. I can see the pain in his eyes. I had seen it throughout the last two years, but I didn't know why until now. "Okay Remus, tell me about it." I know I'm in for a long night, but I need to work through this. "Well Harry, I guess you know exactly what happened the summer before your sixth year. We made a decision . . . " "You mean, I made a decision. Remus, I forced you into this position and I played with people's emotions. I can't believe I was so stupid." I interrupt. "Listen, I know you think that what WE did was wrong, but I know it was what needed to happen. Think about the last two years. . . " ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 2. Awakening Disclaimer: I don't own it. A/N: Okay, I am really sorry it has taken me so long, but my brain just was not cooperating with me this summer. I have slowly started to write again. This is another setup chapter, I realized that it would be best to include another one like this instead of placing this dialogue sporadically through the other chapters. Title: Awakening Rating: PG13 Pairings: HHR ************************************************************ "I am sure that you have quite a few questions about what has been happening. I am not sure how much you will remember." Remus started as he sat down on one of the only chairs in the room and motioned for Harry to do the same. "Right now I only remember the beginning of things, but even now I get flashes of memories. It is a truly weird feeling, when I finally killed that bastard I felt like I had opened up a dam of emotions." "I can understand why Harry, it has been over two years since we cast the charm, I am just happy that I survived to be here for you." "Remus, you don't know how much what you did means to me. I know that you have had to watch me fumble through the last few years without being able to truly guide me. How did you keep sane?" "Believe me, it wasn't easy, in fact there were a few times when. . ." ************************************************************ "Albus, you cannot ask me to do that." "Remus you are the only one that I know that can pull this off." Albus Dumbledore was sitting behind his office desk and was mindlessly playing with one of his many silver instruments as he tried to placate his lycan friend. "I can understand if you fear for your life, but we are all making sacrifices my old friend." "That is not what I am talking about, I. . .I. . .cannot talk about it, but believe me, my concerns are much more serious than life and death." Dumbledore cocked his eyebrow and regarded his friend. "Remus is there something going on that I have not been privy to?" "Albus, I could not answer that question even if I wanted to." The werewolf replied with a smirk. "If I did not know any better, I would assume that you enjoy knowing something that I do not." Albus was clearly enjoying trying to garner as much information as possible from the man sitting across from him. Remus smiled at the old man, even though he was not too happy with the secrets he had to keep, it was always fun holding something over his former headmaster's head. "As much as I do enjoy this, I still have to request that I be placed on an assignment closer to the school." Even as he finished, he could feel the spell reacting, so as to protect the secret he kept. "So, this must pertain to either one of my students or one of my professors. Very intriguing, shall a run down a list of those who could be your charge?" For as much enjoyment as this discussion was, Remus was finding himself getting more agitated as the conversation steered closer to the truth. He thought perhaps that it had to do with the charm, but he was slowly losing his composure. "I must admit that I can sense a change in your temperament Remus, have I perhaps hit too close to home?" Dumbledore had a gleam in his eye, but one looking close enough could see that he was getting very concerned for his friend. "Albus, I request that you refrain from using Legillimency to try and figure this out, it could prove detrimental to both of us." Remus replied through gritted teeth. At this point Remus had begun to realize the possible error he made when agreeing to help Harry out. He had read about the effects of the Fidelius charm, and how its intensity seemed to increase exponentially if the subject is put under constant duress, but what he failed to realize was that his lycan instinct to protect himself would kick in. He began to feel the primal urge to attack that which was causing him pain, but since the culprit was himself he would settle for the nearest warm body, and Albus certainly fit that bill. "I apologize Albus, but I must leave immediately, we will continue this discussion later." He stated as he turned on his heel and strode out the door. As Dumbledore sat behind his desk and silently categorized this encounter for later contemplation he heard a scream from the bottom of the stairs leading up to his office. He immediately jumped up and with the speed of a golden snitch ran down the stone steps. The sight that he took in was quite disturbing. Huddled in a ball at the bottom of the stairs were two figures, one with hair that reminded him of the gold used to illuminate the sign for the muggle restaurant McDonald's and the other figure appeared to not have shaven in a few months. Of course, the fact that he had just seen Remus as completely human caused him to wonder one more time what had happened upstairs. As he continued to stare, the smaller figure cradled the head of the larger in her lap and was gently stroking his face. "Albus, what in the hell happened up there? It is not even close to the full moon. I saw Remus running down the stairs and he looked like he was changing. He saw me and there was a feral look in his eyes, so I stunned him." Tonks explained nervously as she continued her ministrations. "Alas, Nymphodora, I do not know exactly, but I feel Remus has some secrets that he must protect. Unfortunately, it seems that his body is reacting poorly to something." "Could he have been cursed, do we have an infiltrator in our midst?" "No, I have a feeling Remus was well aware of what was cast on him, but its effects seem to have caught him off guard." "Why would he cast a spell on himself, without knowing the consequences?" "Perhaps because he is trying to help someone. If you will please excuse me, I need to do some research on this, please take care of him for me." "You know I will Albus." As Dumbledore walked away, Remus slowly opened his eyes and looked into the concerned face of the witch holding him. He slowly whispered, "Tonks. . . pl. . .ease for. . . give me." With that being said he fainted as his body continued to fight the effects of the curse. ************************************************************ "Tonks has helped me out more than you can know. Although there were times she was ready to kill me, before she figured out what was going on." As Harry's expression showed concerned shock Remus he continued. "No Harry, she does not know specifics, but she is a smart witch, she knows something is up." "But she didn't know who it was right?" Harry asked, hoping that his secret was still safe. "I am sorry to say that I think most people who know you two had it pretty much pegged, with the exception of a couple of red heads. Harry even while under the charm it was obvious what was happening. Of course, neither of you acted on your feelings, but we could all see it." "What do you mean, either of us? She couldn't feel that way?" Harry's heart started to drop from the true consequences of his actions. "Harry, do you not remember those times, well of course you might not yet, but when you do remember what happened over the last few years. Man, I was wondering if she was just going give in and jump you one day." Remus almost laughed at the memory of that night at Grimmauld, but seeing Harry's face he decided it best to save the reminiscing for later. "Harry, you have to remember that I am a werewolf, and as such my olfactory senses are more acute than humans. I could smell the attraction between you two even with the charm. We cannot deny our human needs Harry, our bodies will respond certain ways, even if we will them not too. Believe me when I say that she feels the same way about you as you do for her." "Remus, she is going to hate me for this. I played with her emotions, I forced her out of my heart." "Do you not listen to what I say Harry, you could not remove that emotion, you only deadened the sensation a bit. Ask yourself why things never went that far with Ms. Weasley. Forgive me for saying, but there were times that she was almost willing you to take her clothes off, and that was even after you two supposedly broke up. Deep down, you knew where your heart truly led you, and you would not let anything come between that." "But what if she won't forgive me, what if she won't ever talk to me again, I need her to forgive me." Just as Harry finished the sentence a memory forced itself into his consciousness. He almost fell over due to the intensity of the emotion, but he managed to stand his ground. "Remus, I think I really screwed things up." He stated flatly, after he regained his bearings on his decrepit surroundings. "Harry, you did what you had to do to protect her, and as much as I am sure she will be upset when she finds out, she will come to understand in time." "That is not what I meant Remus, I think she may already know. The night before you cast the charm. . ." ************************************************************ As Harry sat in his bedroom at Privet Drive, he realized that tomorrow would be the end of a stage in his life. The decision he made to erase his feelings was made for the right reasons, but there would be only one person around who ever knew that. It scared him to think that if something happened to him she would never know. It was at this point that he made another decision that would change his life and those of his loved ones, but something had to be done. My Dearest Hermione, I cannot tell you how much I long to be with you now, but circumstances have forced me to handle this much differently than preferred. There are two ways that you can be reading this, first I could be gone, killed by the same beast that killed my parents. The second way is that I have defeated Voldemort, either way the power concealing this letter will be released. Hedwig has been instructed to deliver this, but it will appear blank until one of the two conditions is met. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the choices that I made, but you must understand that I did what needed to be done to protect you. Know that this letter is being written the summer before our sixth year. I tell you this so you know why things changed between us. I have fallen in love with you and I could not bear the thought that something could happen to you because of me. I believe that I have loved you for as long as I have known you, even before the troll. I have realized that I went after you not just because of my "people-saving thing", it something more. I know now that even then I knew you would have my heart. I want you to know that no other person will ever have my heart, nothing that has happened since the writing of this letter will change that. Hermione Jane Granger, I love you with my entire being and for as long as I live. I have asked Remus to cast a memory charm on me to help me "forget" my feelings for you. I don't want anyone to discover my true feelings. I know that I haven't mastered occlumency and I need to protect the one that I love. I know that this seems like a selfish choice, but believe me when I say that I have thought through all possible scenarios for this and my choice is the one that has the least consequences. I realize that you may never want to talk to me again after you read this, but I needed to protect you. I understand that there may be someone else in your life when you read this. I am willing to take that risk. I want you to be happy above everything else, even if you don't want me. I know I have made certain decisions that should have been yours to make, but I truly feel that they are the best decisions that could be made in this situation. I ask you to please forgive me, even if you can never love me, I cannot lose your friendship, so please forgive me. If, for some reason, I do not return, I have a further request of you. Please live your life and be happy, make my sacrifice worthwhile. I want to know that I will be able to look down from heaven and see you happy, please do this for me. With Deepest Love, Harry James Potter ************************************************************ "Remus, I needed to let her know." Harry almost pleadingly added, willing his former professor to understand. "Harry, please calm down, I understand, and I am sure she will as well, she is the smartest witch of her generation. I probably would have done. . ." "HARRY JAMES POTTER, WHERE IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOU!!!" Harry cringed as he heard the screaming voice of his best friend. He was not sure if he wanted to run and hide or face his fate like a man. Unfortunately, with a loud crash, the door to the room he and Remus were in, made up his mind for him. He slowly turned around to see a very displeased looking Hermione standing in the doorway grasping a piece of parchment that looked oddly familiar. As Harry and Remus looked dumbfounded, Hermione made her way over to Harry and. . SLAP!!!!!!! Harry was stunned into silence but he still heard Hermione say, "That is for playing around with memory charms." SLAP!!!!!!! "That is for trying to play the hero and almost getting yourself killed." As Hermione raised her hand to his face again, Harry cringed, but he then felt the gentle caress of the one person he thought would never speak to him again. Then as he was about to speak, he suddenly found his mouth covered by a pair of the softest lips he believed ever existed. He slowly closed his eyes and started to revel in the feeling of Hermione's lips on his, the way she used her tongue to lightly trace his lips and the feel of his tongue touching hers. Then just as he felt he could get lost in the moment, she pulled away. "And that is because I love you more than anything else in the world, and I cannot believe that you would think that I could live my life if you were not in it. It is not like I dream of being entwined with some boy. For the last nine years my job and desire has been the same, protecting you sorry arse?" As she finished the tears started flowing as all of the pent up emotions she was feeling came to the surface: anger, joy, grief, but most of all love. Harry did the only thing he could think of. As Harry kissed the tears away, he started whispering in her ear, "I am so sorry for what I have done. I promise that I will make everything right, please, please forgive me." As Hermione slowly nodded her head he continued. "Come on and sit down, Remus and I were just about to discuss the last few years.