Harry's Bad Hair Day

Hotaru

Rating: R
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 12/07/2006
Last Updated: 15/09/2006
Status: completed

Lavender offers advice to Harry on how to tame his wild hair with a new shampoo. Hermione walks into the middle of the conversation and gets the entirely wrong idea. Rating to be safe! *Actual review:omg omg omg!!!!! this is the FUNNIEST fic ive ever read!!!! laughing the whole ENTIRE TIME!!!! Due to popular demand, a THIRD chappie has been added!

Chapters

1. Harry's Bad Hair Day

2. Beware the Pumpkin Juice!

3. What not to do with Extendable Ears

1. Harry's Bad Hair Day

Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Harry Potter Universe; I just play with the characters and make no money from them. In fact, I don’t own anything, not even the plot!

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Harry was sitting alone in the Gryffindor common room with an open Advanced Transfiguration book, quietly scratching out an essay when Lavender Brown pranced down the stairs from the girl’s dormitories and sat in one of the wing backed chairs near the fire. Harry glanced at her briefly, dropped his head back to his essay, and then looked back at her again with a curious stare. Something was different about her, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

Lavender was just sitting, flipping through her new copy of Witch Weekly when she felt Harry’s eyes on her. She looked over at him, and sure enough, he was just sitting there with his quill in his hand and staring blankly at her.

She gave him a pleasant smile and said, “Harry…?”

He continued to stare. He wasn’t leering at her, he just appeared to be lost in thought.

“Harry? Are you awake?”

He seemed to snap out of his daze and quickly mumbled an apology. “Sorry, it’s just that you look different today. I was trying to figure out what it was.”

She beamed at him and asked, “Is it my hair?”

Harry focused on her golden blonde hair and it clicked, “Yes, that’s exactly it! Your hair looks smashing, not that there was anything wrong before, but it certainly looks different today. What did you do to it?”

“Ah, it’s a new hair cleansing potion that was developed by the fine young ladies at Beauxbatons Academy. I found the recipe in this issue.” Explained Lavender while she held up her copy of Witch Weekly. “Apparently it’s based on a muggle product, something called ‘Charm Poo’ or some such thing.”

“Shampoo.” Corrected Harry.

Yes, quite… anyway, the article says it works something like ‘Tête et épaules,’ which translates to ‘Head and Shoulders,’ but since apparently only muggles grow hair on their shoulders, they made the potion just for the hair on your head and called it just that… ‘Tête,’ or in English, ‘Head.’”

“Wow, I must say that it seems to work for you, your hair looks fantastic! Head shampoo sounds great! If you made any extra, do you think you could give me some of that Head?” Harry asked excitedly, indicating the messy mop of black hair on his own head.

Lavender squealed in delight at the thought of playing hairdresser, “I’ll tell you what, meet me in the prefect’s bathroom in an hour and I’ll be happy to give you some Head. I’ll have you washed, styled, and blown dry in no time.”

“And blown dry? You’d do that for me? Wow, you don’t miss a lick, do you?”

Neither one of them noticed Hermione as she entered the common room through the portrait hole. She just arrived in time to hear the ‘blown dry’ comment and froze in her tracks. She stood in the entranceway, remaining hidden and listening intently.

Harry rubbed his chin in thought, then asked Lavender, “Say, has that stuff hit the market yet? And if it has, how expensive is Head?”

Lavender glanced at the article, “Hmmm, it says here that it’s not on the public market yet, but there are some bootleg potion parlors in Knockturn Alley where you can get Head for less than 10 knuts!”

Hermione let out a squeak and covered her mouth, hoping that neither of the room’s occupants had heard her.

Harry’s eyes widened, “Wow, that’s cheap! At that price, everybody should be getting Head.”

“You’ve said a mouthful, Harry.” Replied Lavender brightly, “That price certainly isn’t hard to swallow, and I heard it’s going down.”

“I should tell Ron about it, I’m sure he’d love to get some Head.”

“I don’t know, Harry… I know it only cost a few knuts, but I honestly don’t think Ron could get it up, and he can’t leave Hogwarts to go buy some, anyway.”

Hermione could have laughed at the comment, that is to say, if she wasn’t so flustered at the topic of their conversation.

Harry again furrowed his brows in concentration, “Is Head hard to make up? I mean, I’m not a master at ‘stuffing the cauldron’, so to speak, so if it’s really difficult… well, I suppose I could see if I could get some Head off of Slughorn…”

Hermione’s eyes widened in shock. She couldn’t believe what Harry was suggesting!

Lavender laughed, “You probably could get Head off of Slughorn, but you might want to try Ginny first, she has the recipe, but may take some convincing for her to spit it out. Although, I saw her giving out Head to a bunch of Slytherins just last week. I’ll tell you, she made Draco blow his top!”

‘Ginny and Draco?’ thought Hermione, ‘That’s insane! What was that girl thinking? I knew she was promiscuous, but with the Slytherins?’

“Slytherins, huh? Is the stuff safe? How does it actually work?”

Lavender quickly referenced the article and showed it to Harry, who read, “St. Mungo’s Hospital had Master Healer Phelattio test it out. She found that Head stiffens each limp follicle, leaving an erect, glistening shaft.” He went on to read, “Then after the natural oils are sucked out of the root, it leaves the hair soft, manageable and exhausted.”

“Well, Head does sound safe…” Harry thought for a moment then snapped his fingers as an idea came to him, “Hermione is a bright girl, maybe I should ask her for some Head, I mean she’s best in the class, isn’t she… after all, she is the Head Girl, right?”

Hermione didn’t know what to think at that point. Part of her was happy that Harry thought so much of her academic skills, another part of her was furious over the idea that Harry could even think of using her that way… and another small part deep inside her got excited over the chance to show Harry exactly how she felt about him. A chance to show him that she’d do anything for him… a chance to show how much she loved him.

“Hmmm…” thought Lavender, then said to Harry, “Hermione may not approve of Head at all, but then again, you might be able to convince her to try her hand at it, but I seriously doubt it… If you do manage to get some Head from her, you’ll be a lucky stiff!”

Hermione’s eyes narrowed at Lavender’s comment. What did she think, that she was frigid or something? Some sort of prude? Just because she takes her studies seriously, doesn’t mean that her hormones weren’t affecting her, just like they would with any eighteen year old girl.

“Are you kidding? If I told Hermione that I had a recipe for a something that she’s never heard of, she’d be on her knees in no time, gagging for me to give it to her! She would beg me to spill it.”

Hermione stood dumbfounded in the shadows, her mouth opening and closing of its’ own accord. She didn’t quite hear everything that Harry said, but she heard enough to wonder if Harry really thought she was that ‘easy.’ A sad frown appeared on her face, ‘or maybe he thinks I’m that desperate…’

Lavender looked thoughtful for a moment, “Well, Parvati might be willing to give you some Head, but knowing her, she’d want something in return. You might want to surprise her with a present, maybe you could give her a pearl necklace or something.”

I don’t think I’d go with Parvati, I think she’s still miffed at me from the ‘Yule Ball’ fiasco… If I asked her for Head, I’m afraid she just might bite my head clean off!”

“You may be right,” said Lavender with a sigh, “Well, you can always ask Luna Lovegood to give you some Head. I kind of feel bad for the girl, hardly anyone pays attention to her. If you asked her nicely for some Head, I’ll bet that she’ll really get choked up.”

“That’s a great idea! She’s a bright girl, being in Ravenclaw and all… I’m sure she’d love a chance to help me out with some Head. Thanks Lav, I think I’ll give her a shot.”

Hermione squared her shoulders and marched into the middle of the common room. She walked up to Harry, drew herself up to her full height and said in an angry voice, “Oh, no you don’t Potter! If you’re getting head off of anyone, it’s going to be me! Honestly, are you so desperate that you have to ask around, begging for it? I promised you a long time ago that I’d do anything for you, so…” She sighed, as if steeling herself before she continued, “so if you need head that badly, I’ll give it to you, after all, that’s what best friends are for, right?”

Hermione grabbed Harry’s hand and led him to the portrait hole.

“Umm, where are taking me?”

“To the Room of Requirement, of course! Do you think I’d give you… ‘that…’ out where anyone could see?”

Harry waved back to Lavender, who had a shocked look on her face, realizing that Hermione had the entirely wrong impression of what the conversation was about. She smiled and shrugged and said to herself, ‘Well, what do you know? Who would have ever thought that Hermione, of all people! I hope Harry thanks me later!’

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A/N: It’s all innuendo, nothing untoward goes on in this fic, it’s just shampoo, so keep your minds out of the gutter! A lot of this is referenced from an old radio skit from the ‘Bob and Tom Show,’ I just thought I’d adapt it to HP, just to spread the love.

2. Beware the Pumpkin Juice!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything ‘Harry Potter.’ I make no money from writing this drivel. For entertainment purposes only!

A/N: Due to popular demand, and against my better judgment, I whipped up this second chappie to Harry’s Bad Hair Day. I hope I did it justice. Please leave a comment, good or bad, they’re all appreciated!

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2. Beware the pumpkin juice!

Harry was briskly walking along, whistling a happy tune while Hermione was walking behind him. Annoyed at his flippant attitude, she was slowly falling behind. Her fingers were interlocked and fidgeting and she wore a look that told of a raging internal battle going on inside her head. The closer they came to the Room of Requirement, the more nervous she became.

“What’s the rush?” she called ahead to him with a slight hint of annoyance in her voice.

Harry stopped and looked back, mildly surprised to see that she was so far behind. He gave her an apologetic smile and said, “Sorry, I guess I’m a bit anxious to see how it’s going to come out.”

She halted, only for a moment, before dropping her gaze to the floor ahead of her and continued shuffling her feet towards him.

He noticed her worried, almost depressed expression, wondering if her heart was really into making this potion for him. He realized that Lavender kept the Witch Weekly magazine that had the hair potion recipe in it. Maybe she was concerned that she needed the recipe to prepare the potion properly.

“Hermione,” he asked tentatively, “You do know how to do it, don’t you?”

Hermione’s face practically glowed in a bright neon red, “Yes, of course I do!” She snapped while giving him a savage glare, but after a few moments, her face dropped into an unsure frown and she muttered, “Well, I’ve only read about it… a bit… I’ve never actually done it before, so I’m not really sure how good it will be for you, but yes, I’m pretty sure I know how it’s done, but honestly, how difficult can it be?”

Harry thought for a moment, then laid his hand softly on her shoulder and kindly asked, “Do you want to go back to Gryffindor Tower and ask Lavender how to do it properly? I’m sure she’d be happy to give you few pointers if you’re not sure.”

The glare returned in full force, “I certainly don’t need her to tell me how to do it, I’m sure I can manage just fine!”

“Okay, okay, I was just asking…” Harry said quickly, releasing her shoulder and holding his hands up, “You don’t have to bite my head off, you know…”

She narrowed her eyes at his little pun of his and said dryly, “Very funny, Harry, I can’t breathe for laughing. I’ll have you know that I read up on it, so you don’t have to worry about me biting anything!”

A confused look briefly appeared on Harry face before he just shrugged and continued walking. Harry knew that Hermione never really tried to make herself more attractive by using potions and make-up and such. The only time she ever made herself up was for the Yule Ball years ago, and then she used liberal amounts of Sleekeasy’s. He really didn’t think she needed that stuff, he kind of liked her mane of bushy hair. It gave her a natural, ‘girl next door’ appeal. Harry then thought that maybe she didn’t approve of him using Head shampoo on his hair… Maybe she liked the way he looked naturally and that the potion would ruin his ‘style.’

Seeing how agitated she appeared, he tried to offer her a bit of encouragement to calm her, “Listen, as long as you take it slow and concentrate, I’m sure it will turn out fine, just don’t rush it.”

She let out a nervous laugh and said, “Are you sure you can wait that long? You seemed pretty desperate for it a few minutes ago…”

Well, I must admit I got pretty excited when I heard about Head. Even you should be able to tell how badly I need it … I only just found out about it, and I wanted to give it a try as soon as possible.

She gave him an incredulous look, “You’re telling me you never heard of it before?”

“Well, I was under the impression that it was brand new.”

“The guys never talk about it in the dorms?”

Harry gave a sheepish look and simply said, “Listen, do you think Neville or Ron would talk about stuff like that in front of the rest of the guys? I mean it’s just something that guys don’t admit to liking.”

She let out a grumpy laugh and muttered under her breath, ‘I would have figured most guys would shout it from the top of the astronomy tower if they got a blow job from someone.’

Not hearing what she said, he turned to her and asked, “What did you say?”

“Nothing…” she grumbled.

He could tell that deep inside, she really didn’t want to make it for him. Feeling a bit guilty, he thought he’d give her another chance to get off the hook, “Look, If you really don’t want to do it for me, I could always ask one of the other girls. I’m sure most of them would be happy to take care of me, and are experienced enough to whip out a batch for me in no time.”

He felt her roughly grab his arm and she spun him around, “Harry, I’m not going to let anybody else do this for you,” she cried angrily, “Do you understand me? Do you really have any idea why I want to do this for you?”

Harry definitely knew the answer to this one! He beamed at her and nodded, “Yep! Because you’re my best friend and you wouldn’t trust my head to anyone else!”

“Best friend indeed! Do you mean to tell me that if Ron were to offer to do this for you, you’d let him?”

Harry’s brows furrowed in thought, “Well, as long as he didn’t get too nervous, I’d imagine he’d do okay… It’s just like during Quidditch, it’s only when he’s being watched that he chokes. As long as he isn’t pressured or forced to do it, I think he’d rise to the occasion, so to speak.”

Hermione’s mouth hung open, then she just shook her head and continued walking in silence until they got to the seventh floor corridor where the portrait of Barnabas the Barmy was hung.

Harry looked at her with a wide smile, his eagerness clearly showing on his face, “Do you want to make the room or shall I?

Hermione shrugged morosely and said, “Go ahead, might as well make it as comfortable for yourself as possible.”

As Harry concentrated on the room, she could see that he was practically bouncing with excitement as he rushed past the blank wall three times. The familiar wooden door with the large, brass knob appeared. Harry quickly wrenched the door open and leapt inside.

Hermione wondered what Harry would choose as the perfect atmosphere for getting intimate with someone. When she entered the room, she was shocked to find that it had a complete potions lab, a comfortable, reclining hairdresser’s chair with a large sink and a huge mirror that was fastened to the wall just behind it.

“How romantic,” she stated coldly as she glanced at the potions lab.

She sighed deeply as she turned to Harry and waited. After a few moments, she folded her arms over her chest and began tapping her foot as she watched him stare at her expectantly with that stupid, lop-sided grin that she previously thought was so endearing. Now she thought it looked rather smug. After a long minute of staring at each other, she abruptly dropped her hands to her hips and said in a rather short tone of voice, “Well? Do you expect me to do all the work myself?”

Hearing her shrewish tone, Harry’s smile faltered for only a moment, before returning wider than before. “Well, of course! I’m afraid if I touch anything I might break it, you know how clumsy I can be, sometimes.”

She stared blankly at him, wondering if she missed anything because he wasn’t making a great deal of sense. She quickly dismissed the idea that anything on him could ‘break.’

Seeing the look on her face, he was afraid she was about to back out on him. Maybe she really needed someone to assist her while making the potion. “Look, I’d love to help… Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it, I’m just grateful it’s you doing this for me than anyone else.”

Her bitter mood softened upon hearing his words, “You know, I won’t be offended if you wanted one of the prettier girls to give it to you your first time.” Truthfully, she would be devastated if he did want someone else. She wanted very much to be his first, but her old feelings of inadequacy were bubbling to the surface.

“Hermione, what does the way a person looks have to do with it? It’s not like I’ll be looking you in the face the whole time, and there’s nothing wrong with your looks, anyway… I can honestly say that I wouldn’t want anyone else to do this for me. I’m positive that I couldn’t find anyone better qualified in this entire school… after all, you’re not the ‘Head Girl’ for nothing, you know!”

She bristled slightly at the ‘Head Girl’ pun, but brushed it aside and accepted the compliment, “You really trust me that much?

“Of course I trust you. I’m sure nothing will go wrong as long as I’m with you, and even if something does go wrong, I wouldn’t hold it against you, even if I ended up being bald.”

Hermione let out a squeak, ‘’End up being balled?’ So, what he’s saying is, in essence, that if I’m no good at sucking his dick, he’d just jump into have sex with me?’ She was stunned for a second, but then a hint of a smile crossed her lips as she thought, ‘Would it really be such a horrible thing?’

She took a deep, cleansing breath, blew it out roughly between pursed lips and said, “Okay, are you ready?”

Harry grinned and while nodding excitedly, said, “You bet!”

They stood there watching each other, him expecting her to start filling a cauldron with bits of this and that, her expecting him to drop trou and produce his ‘Little Harry.’

She noticed him just staring at her expectantly. Summoning up all of her Gryffindor courage, she gave him a shy smile and said in a voice that sounded much more confident than she felt, “Well, Pull your pants down and let’s get this over with.

Harry’s beaming grin dropped to a wide smile as a hint of confusion shone in his eyes, “Uhhh… Excuse me?”

She gave an exasperated snort and said, “You can’t expect me to give you head with your pants on, now can you?”

Trusting her knowledge of potion-making, Harry began to undo his belt, “Ummm, what does my state of undress have to do with Head?” He didn’t get a look at the ingredient list to the potion. Maybe it had to be strained through an article of the person’s clothing? Feeling keenly embarrassed, he unzipped his pants, stepped out of them and handed them to Hermione.

She didn’t answer the obvious question, she just gave him an odd look, wondering why he was giving his pants to her. She rolled her eyes, then neatly folded his pants and set them on the hairdresser’s chair. She turned back to him and waited.

He looked back at her expectant face. His wide smile dropped into a nervous up-curve of the lips as he stood there in marked embarrassment in his tighty-whiteys. After several uncomfortable seconds, he asked, “Okay, what do I do next?”

“Honestly, Harry! I had no idea you were this naïve,” she said in a breathy, irritated tone, “You have to take those off, too,” she snapped in a bossy, but still frightened voice while pointing to his underwear.

Harry’s smile disappeared completely. “What?! You’re having me on!”

“Why do you have to make it so difficult!” she cried as she turned away from him and leaned against the potions table with wetness building in her eyes. Hermione’s will was disappearing fast. She started speaking very quickly, “I don’t know, Harry… I… I don’t think I can go through with this. I mean, you were about to go around the school asking people for blow-jobs… Slughorn! Honestly! I couldn’t just let you embarrass yourself like that. I was willing, but it would seem like this wouldn’t mean anything to you, just a release… I’ve never given oral sex to anyone, and I certainly didn’t expect my first time to be in a bizarre combination of an apothecary and beauty salon! What’s with this place anyway? Is this some sort of sick fantasy that boys have, doing it in a beauty parlor?”

“What in Merlin’s name are you on about? What’s all this about oral sex? I thought you were going to make some shampoo for me!”

Hermione stiffened. Her fingers that had been resting on the tabletop curled into fists. She closed her eyes and took an incredibly deep breath through her nose before she hissed angrily, “What’s this shit about shampoo? WHAT in Merlin’s name does oral sex have to do with shampoo?”

“Hermione… That’s what you agreed to do… the potion lab is here so you can make me some Head shampoo, you know? for my hair?”

“Shampoo?” Hermione muttered dangerously, “I don’t recall you saying anything about ‘shampoo,’ you just said you needed some head.”

“Yes, Head Shampoo… It’s a new hair cleansing potion called ‘Head,’ the recipe is in an article in Lavender’s Witch Weekly magazine. From what you said, it sounded as though you knew all about it.’

“Oh…” stated Hermione icily.

Harry could see the deep flush of embarrassment on her face. It was then that he suddenly realized exactly why she had expected him to take his underwear off. A look of astonishment washed over him.

“Hermione, were you thinking I was talking about getting oral sex from all those people that Lavender and I mentioned?”

Hermione, unable either to speak or to face him, just nodded.

“And you were willing… you were really going to do that for me?”

Again, she just nodded.

Harry’s mouth opened and closed a few times, lost for words until he managed to whisper out, “Why?”

She hung her head lower and whispered something that he couldn’t quite make out.

“Hermione… why?”

She looked up to the ceiling, as if the answer could be found there. She finally turned to face him. She had an empty, defeated look on her reddened, tear-stained face. She repeated only a bit louder, “Because I love you, that’s why. I’m so sorry!”

Hermione’s face bunched up in anguish just before she made a dash for the door, but she was caught in Harry’s arms before she could take more than a few steps. She struggled for a moment, but realizing that he wasn’t going to let her go, she collapsed into him and sobbed into his chest.

“I’m sorry…” she managed to babble through her heartrending sobs, “I’m so stupid! I panicked when I heard you… I couldn’t just let you find just anyone, and… and… You were never supposed to find out! I know you don’t feel like that for me and now everything’s going to be awkward and you’ll find excuses not to talk to me, and then you’ll stay away from me and… and… I’ve ruined everything!”

Harry was gently rubbing her back while he embraced her and whispered soothing nothings into her ear. He was still feeling a bit self-conscious about holding her while being pant-less. In fact, with her body pressed against him, he was finding it rather difficult keeping ‘Little Harry’ from making his presence clearly known. After her sobbing dwindled down to sporadic sniffs and hiccups, he pulled back from her slightly to look at her face.

“Please don’t be mad at me,” she implored in a small voice, “Don’t push me away, I’ll never mention it again… we can go back to the way things always were, can’t we? I couldn’t stand it if you… if…”

Harry took a finger and placed it under her chin, lifting her gaze from the floor to her face, “What if I did feel the same way?”

She let out a noise that sounded between a laugh and a sob, and said, “Now you’re taking the mickey out of me.”

Harry decided to show her that he was dead serious. He placed his hands on either side of her head and used his thumbs to wipe away the remainder of her tears before he lowered his face and planted his lips to hers.

He couldn’t help but to smile against her lips as her eyes widened and a surprised squeak escaped her throat. An instant later, he saw her eyes close and felt her arms wrap around his neck.

A soft moan echoed throughout the room as her lips parted and he took the invitation and thrust his tongue into her mouth, reveling in her sweet taste.

They broke apart for a few moments and Hermione’s eyes danced as they gazed into his, searching for what she desperately hoped was there. She could always tell his feelings through his eyes, as if she could read his every thought through them.

She saw it, there was no mistake… love… desire… passion. For so long she dreamed of seeing him look at her that way, and there he was, making her light-headed with the intensity of his emotions that were pouring into her very soul. She was positive that her feelings were returned whole-heartedly.

“Oh, Harry!” she squeaked as she threw herself back into him, searing his lips with her own passion. Tears were once again flowing from her eyes, but they were no longer tears of despair.

Minutes later, they both came up for some much-needed air. A passionate fire was lit behind both of their eyes. They suddenly noticed that the furnishings in the room had changed as they were snogging each other senseless. A large, king-sized four-poster was sitting in the center of the room. A small table was set up with a delicious looking meal of assorted seafood and meats, along with a huge magnum of expensive looking wine. They didn’t know when the soft background music began playing.

Suddenly, everything was perfect. They both knew what they wanted, and they both knew something magical was about to happen.

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Harry and Hermione walked hand-in-hand into the great hall, almost late for the Sunday morning breakfast that was set out for the students. A hush fell across the entire hall as they made their way to their seats at the Gryffindor table. Lavender and Parvati had their heads together, whispering and giggling furiously while Ron and Ginny were scowling at them as if they had just killed a busload of nuns and orphans.

The pair ignored the stares and whispers as they primly sat themselves down at the table and began filling their plates. Ginny, still looking as if she had just eaten a cockroach cluster, couldn’t hold her tongue a moment longer.

“Well, Harry…” she hissed, not even bothering to hide her spite, “did you end up getting any Head? Your hair doesn’t look all that neat today. In fact, it’s messier than I’ve ever seen it.”

Lavender had to duck under the table to hide the laughter that she was painfully trying to hold in and Parvati placed her elbows on the table with her chin resting in her palms, anxiously awaiting every word.

Harry just smiled and said, “Well, getting Head didn’t do much for my hair, but it definitely changed my outlook on life!”

Hermione had the decency to blush, but when Harry glanced at her, she picked up a sausage from her plate, ran her tongue up the side of it, and then teasingly kissed one end of it before sliding it seductively through her lips.

She discovered that it probably wasn’t the brightest thing to do, because a moment later, Ron found himself covered in the pumpkin juice that sprayed from Harry’s mouth.

The end.

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A/N: I hope you liked it. I didn’t really want to turn this into an NC-17 fic, so I kept it tame. Let me know what you think of it, what you liked and what I could have done better.

3. What not to do with Extendable Ears

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, and I do not own this plot, it was borrowed from the Bob and Tom radio show’s ‘Dickens’ Cider’ comedy skit. Credit where credit is due is duly given here. Don’t sue me, you will be disappointed.

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Chapter 3: What not to do with Extendable Ears

Ginny stared blankly at Hermione’s blatantly seductive performance before shaking off the shock and storming from the table. Ron also rose from the table, wiping the pumpkin juice from his scowling face while muttering something about getting ready for the Quidditch game.

Harry looked at his watch and looked at Hermione with a twinkle in his eye that would put the late Dumbledore’s to shame, “You know, we have fifteen minutes before the game starts, do you think we have enough time for a quick lather and blow-dry?”

Hermione flashed a feral grin as she dropped her fork, grabbed his hand and then pulled him away from the table from the table with such force that it rattled every plate on the Gryffindor table. A blink of an eye later, they disappeared through the door out of the Great Hall.

Fourteen minutes and thirty-five seconds later, a very dazed-looking Harry burst into the Gryffindor team changing room, still dressed in his school robes. Only a moment later, a feminine hand reach through the door from outside, grabbed his collar from behind and dragged Harry from the room. Everyone in the locker room heard Hermione mutter a hasty transfiguration, then immediately after, Harry reappeared through the door as if he were roughly pushed back into the room as Madam Hooch called for the Gryffindor team to take the field.

Ron and Ginny, wearing identical frowns, watched the display as Colin Creevy handed Harry his Firebolt and guided the glassy-eyed Gryffindor to the pitch.

As they stood waiting for the balls to be released, Colin had to nudge Harry to remind him that he needed to actually be sitting on his broom, and not just holding it in order to fly. When Madam Hooch blew the whistle, all of the players shot into the air.

Well, all of the players except for Harry, who stood on the floor of the pitch for a full thirty seconds before he noticed that he was standing there alone. He shook his head to rid himself of his stupor, while he slowly rose into the air. The Slytherin Beaters, taking advantage of the slow-moving target, started directing their fire at the befuddled Seeker.

Harry never noticed the volley of bludgers that were flying around him, his distracted eyes were too busy scanning the Gryffindor stands where he eventually caught sight of Hermione sitting on the highest bench in the stands wearing her standard uniform of a black jumper over a white shirt and her knee-length plaid skirt. The moment she saw his eyes fall on her, she gave him the biggest, most seductive grin he’d ever seen as she discreetly placed her feet on the backrests in front of her. She spread her knees, slid the hem of her skirt up her thighs and, unnoticed by anyone else, exposed the bit of her anatomy that he was enjoying only minutes before.

The noise of the crowd disappeared, all he could hear was the incredibly loud thumping of his blood in his ears. He suddenly went into a power-dive, heading straight for the ground, but never took his eyes from Hermione. Just before he hit the sand-covered floor of the pitch, he leveled off, reached his hand straight up, and then landed on the deck, taking off towards the locker room at a sprint.

He emerged seven seconds later, wearing his uniform and brandishing his wand in his hand. He looked around at all of the stunned players and spectators, who were silently staring at him. He grinned and held up is other hand, displaying the Golden Snitch that was still fluttering in his palm.

“Harry Potter has caught the snitch!” yelled the announcer, “Gryffindor wins, 150 – 0!”

Most of the team descended and crowded around Harry, except, of course, for the red-headed Keeper and the red-headed Chaser who just scowled as they floated directly towards the locker room.

Harry was desperately scanning the stands with an intense look on his face. His gaze drifted towards the castle, where he saw a bushy mass of chestnut-brown hair appear from under a black jumper that was just frantically removed.

Hermione looked back over her shoulder towards the ecstatic crowd, and upon seeing Harry’s burning gaze upon her, she cheekily flipped the back of her skirt up, giving him a flash of her bare… well… cheeks, then continued running for the castle doors.

Harry’s eyes glazed over as a rush of blood went south. He burst through the crowd and sprinted towards the castle, knowing exactly where she was heading.

An hour later, Harry and Hermione stumbled through the portrait hole into the Gryffindor common room, both looking extremely dazed and exhausted, but wearing wide lop-sided grins. The grins were short lived, though, because when they looked around the common room, they were met by a sea of very unhappy looking Gryffindors.

Wondering why the house wasn’t celebrating their victory over Slytherin, Harry and Hermione looked at each other before he asked, “What’s going on? We won, didn’t we?”

Neville looked up from his chess game and said, “We couldn’t get any snacks or drinks. Ron was the only one here who could get into the kitchen, but he’s up in the dorm sulking about something, and before you ask, we have no idea why.”

Harry and Hermione looked at each other knowingly. They were afraid that their newfound relationship would cause a problem within the trio.

“Don’t worry, Neville, we’ll dig something up.”

Twenty minutes later, after only a few quick stops in various broom closets and empty classrooms, they arrived at the painting of the fruit bowl in the corridor leading to the Hufflepuff dorms. Harry tickled the pear and the couple entered the kitchens where they were immediately assaulted by a little house-elf crying out, “Harry Potter, Sir! And his Miss Grangey! Dobby is so happy to sees you!”

After prying the little house-elf from his legs, Harry crouched down and spoke to him, “Hello Dobby, it’s good seeing you again. Is everything going all right for you?”

“Oh yes, Harry Potter, Sir! Everything is great!”

“Dobby, we need a little favor from you, if you can. You see, Gryffindor won the Quidditch game against Slytherin today, and we wanted to have a little celebration. Do you think we could get a bunch of sandwiches sent up to our common room, and maybe a few cases of butterbeer?”

Dobby’s ears drooped ad he hesitantly answered, “Dobby is very sorry, Mister Harry Potter, Sir, the house-elves can make the sandwiches, but Dobby is afraids that there is no butterbeer here….” Dobby paused as an idea seemed to come to him, “Does Harry Potter likes apple cider?”

“Who doesn’t?” laughed Harry, “Can you get us some cider instead?”

“There is an old house-elf here who makes his special Elven cider, Dobby will see if Dikken has any made.” Dobby scampered off to the back of the kitchens and returned a minute later with the oldest house-elf that either Harry or Hermione had ever seen. He was very wrinkled, and so stooped he could only walk by leaning on a thick, crooked cane.

As the old elf approached, Harry spoke softly to him while holding out his hand, “You must be Dikken, I’m Harry Potter, and this is my girlfriend, Hermione Granger.”

Harry smiled as he heard a startled squeak escape Hermione’s throat when he mentioned that she was his girlfriend. He chanced a glance at her and saw her eyes staring off dreamily, much like Luna’s every day expression, which caused a smile of his own to appear on his lips.

The grizzled old elf smiled as he shook Harry’s hand, and in a coarse, wheezy voice, he answered, “Dikken is honoured to meet the great Harry Potter, Sir! What can Dikken do for Harry Potter?”

“Well, like we explained to Dobby, we’re having a victory celebration, and we have no butterbeer,” explained Hermione, “so Dobby mentioned that you make a wonderful cider and suggested that we ask you for some.”

Dikken’s eyes widened, “Dikken is thrilled that Miss Grangey would likes some Dikken Cider! Dikken has cider in cans, jugs, wide-mouth bottles, and easy to use boxes. For the older students, Dikken has even mades hard cider.”

“Wow, that sounds great!” said Hermione, “I remember on cold winter nights my grandmother used to melt some butter in hot apple cider. It tasted wonderful!”

Harry smiled and said, “Do you think you can deliver a bunch of your cider along with the sandwiches up to the common room? Just bring a variety of all the different containers so people can have their preference.”

“Dobby will takes care of it right away, Harry Potter, Sir!” With that, Dobby scampered away and the kitchen became a beehive of activity as the elves set about the task of making the snacks and gathering all the different containers of apple cider.

When Harry and Hermione stumbled through the portrait hole all flushed and sweaty, but clearly empty-handed, the hopeful group of Gryffindors who were gathered in the common room let out a collective, disappointed groan. They watched as Ginny flashed them an angry scowl before climbing the stairs towards the boys’ dorms while muttering something about ‘undependable gits.’

Harry announced to the group that they had indeed, arranged for drinks and snacks, and the house-elves would be delivering them shortly. The mood in Gryffindor Tower improved considerably after that announcement and sure enough, not five minutes passed when heaping trays of food began appearing on the desks and tables, and large boxes appeared stacked near the fireplace, all labeled ‘Dikken’s Cider.’

Neville saw the large crates and asked incredulously, “Harry, is that what I think it is?”

Harry smiled as he opened up the large boxes. Dean stared open-mouthed as Harry pulled out a bunch of small drink boxes and began handing them out to the first and second year students.

“Wow!” exclaimed Dean, “That’s the cider made by the house-elf, Dikken! That stuff is bloody fantastic! How did you convince him to part with his private stock?”

Harry said, “Because I’m Harry Potter, champion of the house-elf liberation front! I have just one rule, the younger students don’t get the hard cider. It’s loaded with alcohol, and we don’t want a bunch of drunk minors stumbling around… Well? Let’s get this party started!”

A loud whoop sounded from everyone in the common room as the boxes, cans, wide-mouth bottles and massive jugs of cider were passed around.

Ron was sitting grumpily on his bed when Ginny stepped through the door, saying to her brother, “It looks like the two lovebirds weren’t able to convince the elves to cough up the goods. You should have seen everyone’s faces when they came back with nothing.”

“Well, I’m certainly not in a partying mood.” He commented angrily.

That was when the siblings heard the loud cheering come from the common room. Ron and Ginny looked at each other, wondering what was going on. Ginny wore a sly smirk as she pulled a pair of extendable ears from her pocket and handed one to her brother. They both crossed the dorm, sat down by the door and fed the thin, flesh-coloured tendrils under the door.

Harry was sitting on the bottom step of the staircase that led to the dorms, never noticing the two tendrils that snaked their way from the top of the stairs. He wore an amused grin as he watched all of the happy Gryffindors eating, drinking and chatting up a storm. Seamus walked up to him and rested his hand on Harry’s shoulder.

“Wow, Harry, you sure came through for us. I just left Lavender over there, and she’s really excited. Who would have ever guessed that she never had a Dikken’s Cider before?”

Ron choked and Ginny let out a startled gasp.

“Were you the one to give her the first Dikken’s Cider?” asked Harry.

“Yeah, Dean wanted to give her a Dikken’s Cider box, but I got to her first and gave her a Dikken’s Cider wide-mouth. After she had the first taste, she really started swallowing it down. She sucked it dry in less than a minute.”

Harry laughed as he motioned to Lavender, “Well it looks like Dean finally gave her his Dikken’s Cider Box after she finished with yours.”

Ron’s face was practically glowing red at the thought of his ex-girlfriend performing lewd acts in the middle of the common room, when she never even let him feel her up when they were dating.

Harry noticed Hermione across the room, demurely sipping a mug of hot buttered cider. She tipped the mug upside-down to get the last drops as Harry’s eyes lingered over the exposed skin of her stretched throat, sending a copious amount of blood to his expanding nether-regions.

Seamus noticed Hermione draining her mug, and saw the cauldron of cider warming in the fireplace. He turned to Harry and said, “Hey, it looks like Hermione could use another hot, buttered Dikken’s Cider, do you mind if I give one to her?”

Harry chuckled as he answered, “Sure thing, after all, what are friends for, just make sure you use extra butter, she likes it like that.”

Ginny had her mouth hung open in disbelief. Maybe she was wrong about Harry and Hermione. If he could so easily send Seamus over to have sex with Hermione, maybe she still had a chance of getting back together with him.

When dean left to go pour Hermione another hot, buttered cider, Neville came up and stood beside him. They watched as Parvati pulled two huge jugs of cider out from a crate and lifted them over her head as she made her way to the cauldron to refill it. She handed the jugs to Dennis Creevy, who was manning the cauldron.

“Harry, do you see Parvati’s jugs? Those things are huge!” He then called ocer to Colin, “Hey Colin, do you have your camera with you? Make sure you get a few shots of Parvati with the Dikken’s Cider jugs, and get a few shots of Hermione, too!”

“Yeah, they sure look tasty. Dennis seems to like the big Dikken’s Cider jugs.”

Neville looked at the can of cider in Harry’s hand, “What about you?” asked Neville, “Do you and Hermione prefer a Dikken’s Cider can?”

“We love it! I know that once I have my Dikken’s Cider can, I feel better almost immediately, and Hermione says that even a small Dikken’s Cider can could relieve the stress of a hectic day of classes!”

Both Ron and Ginny looked at each other with horrified faces. The thought of anal sex never occurred to Ron, and Ginny was shocked to find that Hermione actually preferred sex ‘that’ way. She was beginning to question if she wanted to get back together with Harry, knowing that she would never allow anything inside of her arse.

Neville gave Harry a wan smile. Sensing that he was troubled about something, Harry asked, “Hey, mate, what’s wrong?”

“Well, I was just wishing Ginny was here. I’d love to give her a hard Dikken’s Cider. I really think she’d like it, but…”

Harry smiled at the thought of Ginny getting drunk on hard cider, “Neville, I think I saw her go up to the boys’ dorm with Ron. I think it would be nice of you if you were to go up there and give her a hard Dikken’s Cider. I’m sure she’d appreciate it coming from you.”

Harry watched as Neville’s face turned ashen, “You really wouldn’t mind? I know you dated her last year, and I wouldn’t want you to think…”

“Neville, I’d be fine with it, even if I was still dating her. I wouldn’t have a problem with you giving her a hard Dikken’s Cider. It’s not like you’d be kissing her, after all.”

Ginny flushed a brilliant red at the thought of Neville making love to her, although the thought of sex with no kissing would make her feel a bit like a slag. Ron was red for an entirely different reason, outraged at the thought of Harry whoring off his baby sister. As they listened they could hear Parvati’s voice calling loudly from across the common room, “Hey! What’s a girl gotta do to get a hard Dikken’s Cider?” Hermione’s voice immediately chimed in, “Yeah, and I need more butter!”

Neville was distracted when he spotted Colin Creevy making his way to a group a third years. “Hey Harry, it looks like Colin is trying to give Carin Barron a hard Dikken’s Cider.”

“Dammit!” muttered Harry in an annoyed tone before calling over to Colin, “Colin! Don’t let me catch you giving Carin a hard Dikken’s Cider!”

Colin burned red with embarrassment over being caught, “Sorry Harry,” he called back, “but she was begging me for it!”

“She’s much too young! Just give her a Dikken’s Cider wide-mouth, that should shut her up nicely!”

When Harry let out an aggravated sigh, Neville said, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll go over and make sure each of the younger girls only get a Dikken’s Cider box.”

Harry nodded and Neville walked away.

Ron was gritting his teeth in anger and he felt his hands ball into fists. Now Harry was sending men to service underage girls? He was just about to withdraw the extendable ear when he noticed that the buzz of conversation in the common room suddenly stopped, replaced with a deafening silence.

He heard the voice of Professor McGonagall ring out through the common room, “Well,” she said in her usual stern brogue, “It seems everyone is enjoying the Quidditch victory.” Ron and Ginny each cracked broad grins. They were quite sure that the orgy that was taking place in the common room would result in quite a few expulsions.

He heard Harry’s voice call out, “Hey Seamus, why don’t you welcome the good Headmistress with a big Dikken’s Cider wide-mouth. I’m sure she’s never had anything like it before!”

McGonagall smiled at him and said, “I’m quite familiar with it, Mr. Potter, but I’d much prefer what Miss Granger’s having… If I’m not mistaken, she’s got a hot, buttered Dikken’s Cider? I’d like one of those, if you please.”

The grins on the siblings’ faces disappeared, replaced with disgust at the idea that the Gryffindor boys were ‘servicing’ the Headmistress ‘that’ way.

Dean Thomas, who was already slightly buzzed by the large amounts of hard cider he was drinking, walked unsteadily up to Harry.

“Hiyas, Harry. This is a great idea you had. Everyone’s really getting into the spirit of things!”

“Yeah,” replied Harry happily, “I’ve never seen the common room this excited before. I saw you over there taking care of Lavender, did everything come out all right?”

“Yeah, once I gave her a Dikken’s Cider box, she couldn’t get enough of it. I tried to give Hermione a Dikken’s Cider wide-mouth, but she said it was too big.”

“I know, anything that comes in quarts is too much for her, but I’ve discovered that she just loves the Dikken’s Cider can.” Harry then glanced up the stairs, thinking about his estranged best mate and his ex-girlfriend.

He looked across the room to Hermione, who was looking back at him, knowing that he wanted to try to make peace with Ron and Ginny. He felt the time was right when Hermione smiled and nodded at him. He gave Dean a knowing smile and said, “Why don’t you go over and give Hermione a Dikken’s Cider can for me, I think I’m going to go have a talk with a certain pair of stubborn siblings.”

Upon hearing that, Ron and Ginny withdrew the extendable ears and hastily stashed them in their pockets just before the door creaked open. Harry stepped into the room, looking somewhat subdued.

“Hi, guys,” Harry said quietly, while Ron and Ginny glared at him coldly, “I understand how you guys feel, and so does Hermione. We never meant to become a couple, it just happened.”

Harry became even more uncomfortable under their identical, scrutinizing stares, “I just wanted to say that both Hermione and I miss you two. You’ve been a part of our lives for so long… well…”

When he was still met with a chilly silence, he continued, “Ron, Hermione doesn’t understand exactly what you’re off about, but everyone’s down there enjoying their Dikken’s Cider, and I’m sure she’d love you to join in.

Upon hearing that, Ron turned from an embarrassed crimson to a mortified purple as Harry turned to Ginny and with an unreadable smile said, “and I’d be honored if you’d come down and partake in the festivities, I believe Neville has something he’d like to give you. I any case, it’s all up to you.”

With that, Harry turned and left the dorm. Ginny’s heart was beating madly in her chest while Ron was failing miserably at keeping his ‘little cannon’ under control at the thought of Hermione wanting his dick inside her.

Ron, with a dazed look on his face, wasn’t about to give up the chance of finally showing Hermione how he was a much better lover than Harry ever could be, while Ginny’s thoughts turned to Neville’s hard dick inside her.

They glanced at each other for only a moment before a pair of wide, leering grins splayed across their faces as they quickly shed their clothing and raced out of the dorm and down the stairs into the common room.

-----~-----

It’s been six months since ‘Harry’s Bad Hair Day,’ and the repercussions from that fateful day are still being felt throughout the hallowed halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, especially on this Graduation Day for the seventh year students.

Neville Longbottom’s relationship with Ginny Weasley blossomed after he got a good look at her womanly virtues. Neville faithfully waited for her night after night for her to finish the detentions that she would serve, according to Headmistress McGonagall, “until the day she graduates.” Ginny still has another year of schooling before she graduates, and Neville promised he’d be waiting for her when she does.

Ron Weasley became the school’s resident Cassanova, reportedly bedding most of the Gryffindor women, every Hufflepuff seventh and sixth year, A good portion of the Ravenclaw stable, and surprisingly quite a few of the Slytherin girls as well, once the rumors of his “stallion-like” member spread through the school like wildfire. Other rumors persist, like the reports that he was seen coming from Professors Hooch and Vector’s quarters early in the morning and stumbling to the Gryffindor table with a indelible grin plastered on his face. Even his nightly detentions with Madam Pomfrey, Professor Sprout, the library’s Madam Pince, and even with the Headmistress herself added to the rumor mill. Oddly enough, he ended up becoming enthralled with the unusual Ravenclaw, Luna Lovegood just a few weeks before graduation, which caused the usually fanciful blonde to be even more absent-minded than normal. He, along with Neville, promised to wait for Luna until she graduated. Time will tell.

As for Harry Potter and Hermione Granger? Well, if not in class, you could always find them in their favorite place, the Room of Requirement. Hermione, of course, aced her N.E.W.T.s, while Harry did predictably poorly, but considering that he inherited more money than he could spend in his lifetime, he wasn’t too concerned. The wedding was planned for the day after graduation, their new house in Hogsmeade already purchased, complete with a large nursery that they planned to put to use as soon as possible.

Yes, ‘Harry’s Bad Hair Day’ didn’t turn out too badly at all.

The end. (REALLY! I MEAN IT!)