Idle Threats

adamolupin

Rating: PG13
Genres: Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 18/07/2006
Last Updated: 22/07/2006
Status: completed

Hermione has a favorite threat, but does she really mean it? Set in the "Lessons" universe.

Chapters

1. Idle Threats

1. Idle Threats

A/N: Here's a quick little one shot/drabble thing from the Lessons universe. It takes place six years after “Sink or Swim” but it pretty much stands on its own without reading those stories first.

“HARRY JAMES POTTER! IF YOU USE A SUMMONING CHARM AROUND THE CHILDREN ONE MORE TIME I WILL HEX YOUR MANHOOD OFF!!”

Holding their newly acquired beers with some chagrin, Harry and Ron turned sharply on the couch and looked behind them noticing an impish six year old duplicate of Harry about to get into trouble as well. The boy glanced back at them, slowly removing his fingers from the vase sitting in the hall table.

“Cor!” Ron breathed glancing up the stairs behind the table. “How'd she know that from upstairs?”

Harry narrowed his eyes at Sirius who blinked innocently back. The boy giggled and ran off to the kitchen at the back of the house to rejoin the other children. Harry had a glimpse of black, white blonde, red, and strawberry blonde hair retreating around the corner in front of Sirius. He'd bet his invisibility cloak that those heads belonged to James, Cat, Ron Jr. and Cissy. All five children were the same age and all were inseparable, often daring each other to push the limits of their parents' patience.

Harry, Hermione, Ron and Luna were babysitting John, Cat, and James, Tonks and Remus's eldest and their twins, Ron Jr., Harry, and Arthur, Ron's eldest, middle and youngest respectively, Alaric and Cissy, Ginny and Draco's eldest and second eldest respectively, and Sirius' younger sister Lily in the kitchen. They were supposed to be coloring with Luna but Sirius was, as always, pushing the boundaries placed on him. Harry had a feeling Sirius was going to follow his grandfather's and namesake's footsteps when he got to Hogwarts from the amount of trouble he got into at home.

“The mystery that is Hermione,” Harry finally replied turning back to the Wireless and the Qudditch match in play. “She's been using that threat since seventh year.”

Ron remained quiet and sipped his butterbeer. His eyes seemed fixed on the box across the room even though he seemed miles away. Harry watched him curiously. “So? Has she?”

“Has she what?” Ron asked with apparent nonchalance.

“Hexed your manhood off?”

“No.” Ron almost pulled it off if it weren't for the microscopic wince and squirm. If Harry hadn't been watching he would've missed it, instead he howled with laughter.

“Why didn't I know about this? How long were you in the hospital wing?” he asked wiping away his tears. Who knew?! Harry had stopped believing Hermione years ago, chalking the phrase up to bluff and bluster.

“Only about an hour or so, but Madame Pomfrey had me in for daily treatments for three weeks. She classified it as a `walking injury,'” Ron admitted reluctantly. “And no one knew except Hermione and Madame Pomfrey until now.”

Harry sat back on the sofa, red from the exertion of laughing. “So for three weeks you went around without a willy?! Priceless,” he chuckled and sighed wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Maybe to you but perhaps you should realize that when Hermione threatens to hex your manhood off, it isn't an idle threat,” Ron pointed out feeling a glow of triumph when Harry stopped laughing as suddenly as if someone had turned off a switch.

There was a long silence where only the Quidditch match on the Wireless, the occasional laughter from the children, and the soothing dreamy murmur of Luna could be heard.

“So . . . how'd you take a piss?”

“You really and truly do not want to know,” Ron replied emphatically.

Hermione, seven months pregnant, waddled downstairs wincing every other step. “Hello boys,” she called out giving the back of Harry's head a kiss as she passed.

“Oi, Hermione? When you say you'll hex my manhood off, you don't really mean it do you?” Harry asked turning on the sofa toward her.

She looked from him to Ron with a raised eyebrow. “Yeah, I told him,” Ron replied to the unspoken question. While their non-verbal communication had made light years worth of progress, it still couldn't hold a candle to Harry and Hermione's.

“What do you think?” Hermione asked Harry with an enigmatic Mona Lisa smile twitching on her lips. “Lunch is in five minutes.”

Harry watched her return to the kitchen. He gulped softly and glanced at Ron. “She doesn't mean it,” Harry said with false confidence turning back to the game.

Ron hid his grin behind his bottle of beer. “Sure mate.”

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