It Wasn't Me

lillyfan16

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 19/07/2006
Last Updated: 19/07/2006
Status: completed

JKR just published HBP and she's feeling proud...until fanmail starts coming it, espeically a letter from Archie! After deciding to deny HBP by saying "It Wasn't Me," Archie comes to her with a musical number, parody to Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me."

Chapters

1. It Wasn't Me

1. It Wasn't Me

Hey, what’s up? Right, I recently listened to the song “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy and felt like making a story out of it. I checked ff.net and found some pretty funny parodies of it, so naturally, I had to make one of my own! It’s suppose to be kinda comical. . .I dunno if I achieved that or not, lol, which is why you’ve got to review and let me know if I did! Just a short and stupid oneshot! Oh, and I hope my “modified” lyrics go with the beat of the song, I THINK they do, but yeah. It helps to listen to the song and read them at the same time. . .kinda fun, lol! WARNING: MAJOR HBP AND JKR BASHING! Oh and when the lyrics say “HBP” or “AK”, think the LETTERS, not what it stands for, just for rhyming and syllable reasons! ENJOY!

Joanne Rowling looked around proudly at her house, the smile wasn’t coming off her face today. She had just published her latest installment in her Harry Potter Series, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, and she was feeling good about it. She had made it so interesting and it promised to be a good read. After all, it made just perfect sense and had no out of characterness or outright stupid events in it. No, the plot was positively perfect. Definitely her best book yet! It’s not like she had forced a romance between Harry and Ginny or anything. No, it had been hinted at all along. And Hermione was her usual self, a die-hard advocate of S.P.E.W. and her sudden jealously of Ron with Lavender had been in her all along. Yes, her and Ron would just make the most perfect pair! Harry and Hermione. . .no, now that would just make no sense! It’s not as if she had ALWAYS been there for him and would be the most perfect match for him, no. Now that would be preposterous! Ginny was a MUCH better candidate, after all, even though she barely even knew Harry, she liked Quidditch and had a schoolboy crush on him for because of him fame. Also, she had red hair! They would look like a modern-day Lily and James! I mean, who wouldn’t want to look like their parents did when they were younger? Why not date someone who looks similar to you MOTHER?!?! Jo smiled, yes, Harry would just LOVE to have the image of his mother looking similar at this age while he was snogging Ginny. It’s not like that thought would want him to spew up yesterday’s lunch or anything. She was sure EVERYONE would just LOVE this book.

She heard a knock on the door and answered it, seeing the postman standing outside with a few large bags full of mail. He gave her a grin, “I see you must have just gotten your book published, Ms. Rowling! Fan mail is starting up again!”

Jo smiled and nodded before helping him lug in all the large cloth sacks full of her mail. As soon as she left, she eagerly began to dig into the nearest bag and practically ripped the envelope in order to see how much her fans adored her and LOVED her newest book that made oh-so-much sense!

Dear Ms. Rowling,

Hello, I just read your newest book and I must say, it is a big disappointment. It made no sense in the least and I tried to give it to Goodwill, but the manager just laughed in my face and told me they wouldn’t sale such trash. I’m sorry, but I could not let it sit in my closet, I’d rather be haunted by an Ouji board, so I hope you understand when I say I had to burn it, page by page. I used to write fan fictions, but now I don’t think I can go on with them. Thank you for breaking one of your former biggest fan’s heart. Good luck trying to sleep tonight.

Sally W.

Jo started at the offensive letter then scoffed. How dare she say such terrible things about her masterpiece? She ripped the letter in anger and moved on to another one.

Dear Imposter,

Who are you and WHAT did you do to the REAL JKR?!?! She would NEVER write such a terrible book! Where is she?!?! WHERE IS SHE DAMMIT?!?! I’m going to call the police if we don’t get her back! It’s insane!

Signed,

One Pissed Off Reader

Once again, she stared at the letter in amazement. How could they NOT like her wonderful book?!?! How dare they call her an imposter! It was mad! Barking mad, they were! Tossing it aside, she grabbed the next letter, hoping this one had more positives things to say about her latest book.

JKR:

Dude, I don’t know WHAT you were thinking, but HBP was INSANE! I didn’t even read it all! I got pissed the first few minutes of flipping through it then I threw it against the wall. It’s the worst $15 I ever spent, right up there with that Usher cd I bought a few months back (dunno WHAT I was thinking, don’t ask. . .) But, yeah, anyway, the book DOES have it’s uses, I suppose. . .it makes a good prop-up thing for my desk to keep it level, as well as a good thing to take my anger out on (ripping pages, throwing against walls, throwing at my brother. . .). I’m not even looking forward to book seven. You used t be a favorite author of mine, but you lost your touch. The last book was bad enough, I could still live with it (though I didn’t necessarily love it) and now THIS?!?! And you call yourself a writer. . .

Archie

She couldn’t take it anymore! How could they do this to her?! That book was a bloody masterpiece. How could this reader throw such a sacred possession? This mean little jumped-up monkey! No appreciation for books that make perfect sense and are not in ANY way preposterous. . .

Jo grabbed her coat and headed to the house of her publisher, completely enraged.

00

She knocked hard on the door. “Hey Publisher!” She called.

The Publisher person looked through the side window to see who it was and sighed. “Hey.” He called back tiredly.

“Open up Man!” Jo demanded, ringing the doorbell several times.

He sighed again, “Come on, Jo, what do you want?” he asked, opening the door.

She looked pointedly at him, “My book was a hit!” she sputtered angrily, spit flying in every direction as she pushed herself inside.

The Publisher snorted, “You call THAT a book. . .” Jo spun around and glared at him dangerously.

“What did you say?!”

“Err. . .the book wasn’t a hit? What do you mean?” he asked, trying to hide his smirk. The book was dreadful, no question there.

Jo stared at him for a second before exasperatedly saying, “My book wasn’t a hit! NO ONE seemed to like it at all!”

The Publisher nodded in agreement, “Yep, I knew this was going to happen. I mean, honestly, who can blame them?” he mumbled under his breath but caught her death glare again. “What? NO, I mean, it was such a masterpiece, how could they NOT like it? How could you let this happen, Jo?

She threw her hands up in the air in defeat. “I don’t bloody well know! Man, I thought they would LOVE it!”

The Publisher person gave another snort, “Fat chance of THAT happening.” He whispered under his breath before addressing the hysterical woman in front of him, “Well, maybe this just wasn’t what they wanted to read.” He reasoned.

She sighed, “Well, I used excellent foreshadowing so NOTHING should have been a surprise. What am I going to do?” she asked desperately, grabbing the front of his shirt.

He pushed her off and said evenly, “Well, I guess there’s only one thing you CAN do.”

“What?!” she asked, her eyes begging him to let her know the secret.

He laughed, “Simply. Say it wasn’t you.”

She looked at him funnily before agreeing, “Alright. . .it wasn’t me.”

She left and went home, cursing that little piss ant Archie for offending her so. The very nerve! She was Joanne-Mother-Fucking-Rowling for Merlin’s sake! She was bigger than The Beatles! Okay, fine, maybe her BUTT was bigger than The Beatles, not her actual name. . . .but oh well.

There was a sudden knock on her door and she rushed it in a hurry, hoping it was someone to tell her Half Blood Price was bloody well excellent. At her doorway stood a dark-blonde-border-lining-light-brown-headed girl about the age of sixteen with a pleasant smile on her face and a small backpack slung over her arm. “Hell, Ms. Rowling, is it?” she asked, and Jo could immediately tell she was American.

“Err. . .yes, may I help you?” she asked as the girl just pushed her way inside and sat down-- unasked-- on her couch.

“Sure, I’ll take a soda, no Pepsi products please, unless it’s Dr. Pepper. And any snacks would be nice, nachos sound good right now.” The girl replied, kicking off her black-and-white imitation Converses and then putting her feet on the coffee table. Jo just stared at the girl.

“Fine! Nothing to drink, I should have known you would be a stingy bitch. I guess we should get this thing underway so I can get some food somewhere else.”

Jo looked at her like she had gone mad. “Who are you?!” she asked, coming into the room.

The girl raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Oh, how rude of me. The name is Brooke, but you can call me Archie.” She said with a smile.

Jo’s eyebrows flew up, disappearing in her hair as her face turned scarlet. “Archie?!”

Archie smirked, “I see you must have gotten my letter. Wow, this is awkward now. . .oh well. Damn that is an impressive shade of red!” she said in surprise, referring to Jo’s face.

“What are you doing here, you little piss ant!?!?” Jo asked angrily.

“I’m just here to record a musical number, that’s all. I wrote a song for us to sing together. It has to do with your newest book. Have no fear, I already wrote your part, all you have to do is sing. I talked to the Publisher person and found out you are going to deny the book. Nice move. I’m just here to help, expecting an impressive compensation by the way.” Archie said smoothly, opening her bag and pulling out two microphones and a few typed pages of paper. “Your lines are in highlighted in neon green. Just sing to the tune of Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” and you’ll do fine.”

Jo turned even more red, “Get out! Who do you think you are?!?!” she asked exasperatedly.

“Your Savior, now calm down woman, honestly!” Archie replied, handing Jo her lyrics and microphone. “Just don’t screw up and we’ll get this done in one shot.”

She scanned through the lyrics before exclaiming, “I can’t sing this! It’s preposterous!”

Archie shook her head, “No, your BOOK was preposterous. Just trust me on this one. I’ve got this all wired so our voices will be recorded flawlessly in this little gadget. And here is the music, you start!”

A beat suddenly started up out of nowhere. Jo looked at Archie uneasily before raising the mic to her lips and started singing in a voice that sounded like nine cats tired up in a sack together with a disease, making Archie cringe.

“I’ll need to make a few adjustments when I edit this. . .” she said with a shudder then motioned for Jo to restart.

JO: Readers read it and they caught me red-handed

Publishing a terrible book

Picture this, hate mail started flyin’

Deeming me a fraud or crook

JO: How can I get all the blame

For screwin’ up the series?

Didn’t do anythin’ really

I just wrote the book HBP

Jo started moving with the beat as she watched Archie dance and begin singing the next part really fast.

ARCHIE: Jo, how could you write such a right horrible story?

Ever since I got it, HP I can no longer read

Snape killin’ Dumbledore? And what’s with Harry likin’ Ginny?

You’re makin’ no sense, Jo, and this fucked up shit just ain’t for me

To be a good writer, you have to know how to write

And your ugly romances and bed plot just bites

Can’t count on you to start over and make it right

Book Seven just ain’t lookin’ bright!

Jo quickly down at the lyrics and was ready for her next part, which, all you people reading this, will be the part in parentheses in case you didn’t know! Lol.

ARCHIE: It was so out-of-character! (It wasn’t me!)

Are you serious? Harry with Ginny? (It wasn’t me!)

What about Harry and Hermione? (It wasn’t me!)

Come on, Jo, what were you thinkin’? (It wasn’t me!)

ARCHIE: You got the plot wrong and twisted! (It wasn’t me!)

None of it was hinted! (It wasn’t me!)

You sayin’ we missed it! (It wasn’t me!)

Now Harry’s Sixth Year is wasted! (It wasn’t me!)

Jo realized she was next! Wow, this song was kinda catchy!

JO: Readers read it and they caught me red-handed

Publishing a terrible book

Picture this, hate mail started flyin’

Deeming me a fraud or crook

JO: I had tried my best to

Make the sixth book interesting

My name is on the spine so

How can I say it wasn’t me?

Wait, she thought she was trying to tell people it WASN’T her, but before she could saying anything to this girl about it, Archie cut in again with her quick rap-singing self.

ARCHIE: What’s next? Ron gonna go after Hermione?

‘Well, yes. . .’ Jo thought inwardly with a frown before listening to her next words.

Wrong for each other and together they just can’t be

Ron can have Lavender or Ravenclaw’s Loony

It’s Harry and Hermione all the way, can’t you see?

Now I’m not a fan of Dumbledore’s, but his death was just wrong

‘Yes, it was tragic, but it just had to be done, why couldn’t this girl see that?!?!’

Despite his foulness, Snape’s days as a Death Eater were long gone

With Voldemort, he was spy

But you had him AK Albus, what’s with that song?

How dare she tell her who her own characters are? Snape was on the Darkside, he was just fooling Dumbledore. Dumbledore would believe him, it’s not as if Albus has a good judge of character and had a good reason to trust that slimy git! How in-character would that be?! But she could explain that later, they had a song to finish!

ARCHIE: It was so out-of-character! (It wasn’t me!)

Are you serious? Harry with Ginny? (It wasn’t me!)

What about Harry and Hermione? (It wasn’t me!)

Come on, Jo, what were you thinkin’? (It wasn’t me!)

ARCHIE: You got the plot wrong and twisted! (It wasn’t me!)

None of it was hinted! (It wasn’t me!)

You sayin’ we missed it! (It wasn’t me!)

Now Harry’s Sixth Year is wasted! (It wasn’t me!)

JO: Readers read it and they caught me red-handed

Publishing a terrible book

Picture this, hate mail started flyin’

Deeming me a fraud or crook

JO: How can I get all the blame

For screwin’ up the series?

Didn’t do anythin’ really

I just wrote the book HBP

Jo continued with the next part, singing slower now and grinning like a popstar diva wannabe.

JO: Gonna tell reader I’m sorry

For the anger I’ve caused

I agree with what you’re sayin’

Book Six makes no sense at all

Maybe I should just give it up

And have Archie finish

She thinks she can do better so

I’ll just pass her my pen

And let her write

JO: Readers read it and they caught me red-handed

Publishing a terrible book

Picture this, hate mail started flyin’

Deeming me a fraud or crook

JO: How can I get all the blame

For screwin’ up the series?

Didn’t do anythin’ really

I just wrote the book HBP

Jo finished with a grin before realizing what she had sung. Give up?! She rounded on Archie angrily. “What are you talking about, me ‘giving up’ and letting you finish it?! Are you mad?!” she asked.

Archie just smirked. “Hey, you agreed to it, Harry Potter is my world now, leaving me to make all the changed I want. Trust me, it’s for the best. And I am NOT mad, I’m simply genius!” she said with a laugh.

Jo rolled her eyes, “You’re just going to turn it into some Harry and Hermione story with a good Draco and make it so Snape didn’t kill the old fart, don’t deny it!”

Archie raised an eyebrow. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to. You forgot about how I was going to make Ginny evil. I might keep Draco evil so he can corrupt that bitch. . .but yeah, you got the rest of it decently. Oh, and I’m going to start the changes way back in book three, where Harry realizes he has a crush on Hermione NOT Cho. So then, naturally, book four he will take Hermione to the Yule Ball, not even THINKING about Cho, which leaves Krum withOUT Hermione. . . Then of course, Sirius will come back, somehow and yeah, I think I might make Ron cry at some point, just to give him so emotions OTHER than jealously. . .I’ve got big plans.”

Jo stared at her, open-mouthed. “You’ll RUIN my series!” she cried hysterically.

Archie laughed, “No, I’m going to MAKE my series. You gave me ownership already. Also, I’m going to make loads of cash while doing it, not to mention I’m leaving here to make a record deal with our new single. Oh yes, I am a genius! Thanks for the ownership, sucker!” Archie smirked before running out the door with all her recording equipment, leaving Jo feeling slightly wrong-footed.

She rolled her eyes, “Mental, that one.”

00

Five years after giving up her ownership on her Harry Potter Series, Jo found a newspaper clipping that read:

Best Move She Made!

Joanne Rowling, former author of the now-perfect book series of Harry Potter, had made the best move by giving ownership to fan Brooke (Archie) in a desperate attempt to deny writing the sixth book, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Archie took it upon herself to tweak the story lines somewhat, making it more enjoyable to readers everywhere besides those “sick people who agreed with the ships being Harry with Ginny and Ron with Hermione!” she quotes. Not only has she made loads of money off the now-completed book series, but also her cd with the hit “It Wasn’t Me” that is a duet of herself and JKR. The cd also includes the songs “Ron With Hermione Stinks Like Ten-Week-Old-Cheese” (a blues number that examines the faults of that relationship) as well as “Why Snape REALLY Has Graying Underpants” (a country song with Josh Turner that explores a VERY interesting theory as to why the slimy git has graying underpants!) Archie would like to thank JKR for giving her the book series and for screwing it up in the first place, “If she hadn’t f**ked--what do you mean I can’t say f**ked in my interview?! Who in the h**l do, what, I can’t say h**l either?!?! A**hole! Don’t you DARE bleep that out! You wanna f**k with me b***h?!?!” and regretfully that was all we could get from this amazing author because of her assault on the interviewer and the restraining order that has been drawn up. I’m sure she had a nice comment before she kicked the interviewer in the head.

Lol. . .I know, VERY weird, but what the hell, I loved the parodies to that song and wanted to make one that hasn’t been made yet! And for those thick readers out there, NO, I do not REALLY have ownership of the series! Lol.

REVIEW!!! PLEASE?!?! I wanna know what everyone thinks about this because, well, it’s so weird and all. But yeah. . review!

I’m working on PVGR, I have about 9 pages done and I wrote a few pages in my notebook, which I need to type up tonight. I hope to have it out soon!

*~Archie~*