Harry Potter, and Friends, at the Circus

jms granger

Rating: R
Genres: Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 29/07/2006
Last Updated: 29/07/2006
Status: completed

From the creator of 'A Very Harry Christmas and 'A Very Voldy Chrsitmas' comes a new one shot Crack-Flick, with laughs and love as Harry goes to the circus, unkowing that other 'people' might just be thinking the same thing...

Chapters

1. Harry Potter, and Friends, at the Circus

1. Harry Potter, and Friends, at the Circus

Harry Potter, and friends, at the Circus

`So… lets get this right…' the man said, stifling his laughter a little `…you say that Harry has actually…you know…that Hermione Granger?'

`That's exactly what I was saying!' the woman replied giggling.

`How the hell did that one happen?' he said in shock `she's such a…a…geek'

`Of the highest order' she said throwing her head back in laughter.

The pair of them burst into laughter, vibrating throughout the house as all idea of thought was gone from the pair of them.

`The geek and the four eyes!' he said between laughter.

`Think of the poor children!' she laughed back.

`Um…sir?' a man said as he rapped on the door, the pair knew who the man was just by his voice, and neither wanted his presence `you there sir?'

The pair sat in silence, hoping that if they were quiet the man might just go away thinking they weren't there.

`SIR?' the man called louder `HELLO? ANYONE HOME?' he yelled as he hammered on the door.

The man picked up his wand in annoyance and after flicking it, the door opened wide showing a blonde middle aged man.

`What is it…Lucius?' the man said to his visitor. If he was honest he had always wondered how Lucius had become so influential, he was pretty crap after all.

`Um…sir, it's just that…I was just wondering…sir…' he said nervously, his fingers working nervously around his wand as he watched his feet.

`Speak up Lucius' he said bored, and disliking the man even more.

`Its just I was…well, I was a little bored, sir…and I was wondering what you was doing…' he said anxiously, his eyes shooting up and noticing for the first time that he wasn't alone `Oh… hi Bellatrix…I didn't know you was here…'

`That's ok Lucius…me and Voldemort was just talking bout Harry and Hermione' she said gossipy. Voldemort sighed, even the fact that Bella hated Lucius didn't stop her from gossiping with him, and he often wondered what she said about him behind his back `They're an item now'

`I heard that too…but in my story their married' he said sitting down in between the two of them. Voldemort coughed loudly but Lucius didn't seem to realize.

`Really?' Bella said, mouth agape as she looked in happy surprise `Oh, that's too good!'

`Uh-huh!' Lucius said in an incredible camp voice `I think he could do better'

`Uh-huh!' she said in agreement `but even Goyle could do better than her!'

`I don't think she's that bad' Voldemort added. The pair of them stopped and stared at him in disbelief for a moment before turning back to gossip together again. Voldemort didn't like this part of being boss, people always felt a little awkward around him and didn't want to disagree with him, the odd crucio as a punishment and people thought he was a little angry.

`Shall we go get some…coffee…or something?' Lucius asked Bella, a little bit off flush entering his face.

`Um…' Bella said eyeing him. People thought that he could always read peoples minds, and was a great legillemens, but in truth he was rather shit, he usually just bluffed his way through it, and if proven wrong he just avada kedavra-ed them `how about that circus that is in town?'

`That sounds great!' Lucius said almost wetting himself with joy, even the shit legillemens that Voldemort was he knew that Lucius wanted to get in Bellas pants. Voldemort waited for a moment to be invited, but as the two of them gazed at each other he knew it wasn't going to come.

`How about we all make a day of it?' Voldemort said, both of their heads snapping back onto his `You know, a death eater day off?'

`What…like the old days?' Bella said, a glint in her eyes.

`Yeah…sure, why not?' Voldemort said standing up. Bella stood up and threw her arms around his neck, pulling him into a bone breaking hug. Another thing that people didn't know about him was how physically weak he was, especially in this second hand, badly made body that he now had. Consequently he had to bite his lip to stop from crying.

`Thank you sooooo much!' she said happily `I'll go tell everyone!'

Voldemort watched as Bella skipped of, her pretty flowery skirt bellowing out behind her. Voldemort loved Bellas hippy chick look, it suited her.

`Um…sir…do you want to hug me?' Lucius said in a small scared voice, Voldemort looked around at him in disbelief.

`Fuck off' he said and wandered off to get changed.

MEANWHILE, IN A SMALL FLAT IN LONDON, HARRY POTTER, EVERYONES FAVOURITE GLASSES WEARING WIZARD, IS IN DEEP THOUGHT, CONTEMPLATING THE BIGGEST ISSUES THAT LIFE HAS TO HOLD...

`Do you think I'd look good in chinos?' he said eyeing himself in the mirror. A few moments passed without reply so he turned around to look at his friend, Ronald Weasley, working feverishly on scrubbing the floor `Ron?'

`Yo man, wha-s hangin?' Ron said looking up from his job.

`I said do you think I'd look good in chinos?' he said miffed at being ignored.

`Why you do me like dat? Can you eyes I'm sho-busy?' Ron said angrily, now this was too much for Harry.

`And who pays you to do that job? Oh, that's right, it's me!' he said annoyed, thoughts still on chinos `so maybe you should try answering your bosses questions!'

`yo pay me no chesse, foo!' he said indignantly, the ungrateful swine!.

`You ungrateful swine!' Harry said throwing his glass of water at Ron, but missing by a good meter or two, Harry had always been terrible at sports `I give you a job, the money I EARNT, do you know how hard it is to have your parents deaded when your one! and all you do is throw it back in my face! I hate you and hope you die a painful death and bugs shit in your hair!' he screamed.

`Dat it, punk…I'm outtie, fo-shizzle!' Ron said standing up and preparing to leave. Harry felt his heart leap, threatening to come out of his throat, he fell to his knees, tears flowing from his eyes like sweat from a fat person.

`Don't go Ron! I LOVE you!' Harry screamed through his tears, he crawled across the floors and grabbed Ron's legs in his arms, holding onto them for dear life.

`Foo, you disprespek me, you get dis by me pecs!' he said trying to pull Harry off him.

`If you leave I'll kill myself!' Harry screamed.

`Yo, dude, don't speek like dat' Ron said a little gently, Harry could tell by his tone that he wasn't leaving now, so he stood up and stopped crying.

`So…' Harry said a little nervously in front of him `what do you think of me…and chinos?'

`Yo man, your mind is all wack!' Ron said shaking his head in disbelief `But you're my homey til I die'

`Which will hopefully be before me' Harry said meaning it. Fortunately though Ron laughed, evidently believing that Harry was joking. Little did Ron know how terrified Harry was of his friends outliving him.

`What are you two boys doing?' Hermione said entering the room and looking at the two as they stood face to face `you two hooking up?' she said jokingly. Ron looked taken aback and sickened at the idea. Harry was also sickened, but because he thought he could do much better than Ron.

`I do no drop anchor in bum bay!' Ron said taking a step back.

`You did with me' Hermione said winking as she walked up to Ron and kissed him, allowing her hand to pinch Harrys ass at the same time.

`Yo Woman, don dis me infront of me boys like dat' Ron said looking triumphantly at Harry as he held an arm around Hermione. Little did he know on that, Harry said to himself laughing `Dude, what's so funny'

`Just…something…or someone…I did' Harry said looking at Hermione, who winked back.

`So what's the GP for today?' Hermione said helping herself to a chair.

`I'm thinking of buying some chinos, what do you think of that?' Harry asked seriously.

`I thought we could go to the pub?' Hermione kind off replied.

`Me and chinos?' Harry said indignantly.

`Biding some brews sounds hot' Ron said `need to get me buzz on before'

`Here' Hermione said handing Ron a joint.

`CHINOS?' Harry yelled jumping up and down a little.

`We are not going to America' Hermione said scornfully.

`I meant the trousers' Harry said, tears threatening to come.

`Shut the fuck up and fo-chill' Ron said between toking.

`I HATE YOU TWO AND HOPE YOU BOTH DIE AND IF YOU DON'T ILL KILL MYSELF!' Harry yelled and ran from the room to his own, with the intention of getting changed, although not into some chinos till he bought some.

`I'll go after him' Hermione said leaving Ron toking away.

She walked through the small flat, taking only a few seconds before arriving at Harry's door. She paused for a moment in front of it before pushing it open and walking in, closing the door quickly behind her.

`Hello Harry' she said looking at him, standing in his boxer shorts before him. He looked good enough to eat `I'm gonna eat you like I eat macaroni' she said walking up to him and dropping to her knees before him `…Straight down'

…and Harry had a very enjoyable afternoon…

`Fo shizzle my nizzle, that it some piece of ass!' Ron said as he eyed a woman on the table next to them `Holla at me girl!' he called at her making her blush slightly `The bitch wants me'

`With hair like that I'm sure all she wants is to get back to the seventies' Harry said scathingly at the big haired blonde Ron was taken by.

`I think she's hot' Hermione said eyeing the woman like she was food. Harry giggled at what he could accomplish here if only Ron would fuck off.

`Ron, why don't you just fuck off?' Harry said

`And when I fuck of I'll fuck yo motha!' Ron said laughing `necrophilia aint to low fo me'

`I HATE YOU AND HOPE YOU DIE!' Harry yelled, making the whole pub stare at him, but Harry didn't care.

`So yo won no brew?' Ron said handing him his favourite drink, a pina collada with a hint of strawberry.

`I love you Ron' Harry said taking the drink and sipping from it `Heaven' he added sighing.

`So what's the GP from here?' Hermione said, her use off the word GP fucked Harry off something terrible.

`Yo woman, chill!' Ron said nastily, staring at the blonde.

`Don't call me woman' Hermione said angrily back.

`Yo a woman, so I call yo a woman' Ron said bickering.

`So I'll call you a twat-eye then' Hermione replied quickly.

`Fuck this for a picnic and a piece of pie!' Ron said standing up and walking over to the blonde with the bad hair.

`Look at him scamming on that poor girl, like the plonker has a chance' Hermione said turning her eyes onto Harry and smiling seductively.

`You bang him' Harry pointed out trying to be helpful.

`I'd hardly call our two minute rumbles a bang' Hermione said leaning closer to Harry, her leg crawling up his leg.

`So what's the GP? Hermione said.

`I was thinking of buying some chinos, but I'm not sure if they'd suit me' Harry replied, he had already had enough fun that afternoon and his mind was fully on his dream chinos.

`I was thinking of the circus around the corner?' Hermione said downing her sixth double vodka.

`Do they sell chinos there?' Harry said overly sarcastic.

`No, but they do sell sunglasses' Hermione said now swigging form a bottle of Vodka, Harry was sure she must of magiced it, she was very good at the alcohol spells.

`Have they got aviators?' Harry asked seriously.

`Probably' she said noncommittal like.

`cooool!' Harry said, picturing himself in a pair of chinos while wearing his new cool aviators `ultra cool!'

`Yo dudes we gotta bounce!' Ron said coming over to the table `that hoes boyfriend showed up and he ain't looked no not pissed, and widout any mother fucking gifts!'

`Ron, you are such a tit job' Harry said finishing his drink and standing up to go.

…Meanwhile, Voldemort and his merry gang of death eaters are having their first day out for, like, a thousand years or summit like that…

`Dude, did you see me hammer that mole?' Voldemort said happily to his friends, all chuckling away eating candy floss.

`Lucius wants a go at having his mole whacked' Bella said nudging him as she giggled away to herself, Lucius blushing furiously.

`And I wonder who he wants the hammer to be?' Voldemort said teasingly watching as Bella threw her head back laughing wildly.

Voldemort stopped dead in his tracks, the one image that was impossible was before him, the one image that threw fear into his heart. Harry potter and his side kicks. His whole merry gang stopped being merry. The male friend that Voldemort could never remember the name of came storming up to him, the other two following in his wake.

`Lookie what we have here, a group of mother fucking bitches' he said, looking Voldemort straight in the eye.

`Now now, we're here just enjoying ourselves' Voldemort said.

`Yo, I thought u enjoyed urself being gay, fo-shizzle!' he said nastily, spitting along with some of his words `Or is the blonde guy yo's!'

`Ron, shut the fuck up!' Harry said trying to grab his friend by the arm and drag him away, an apologetic smile on his face `Voldemort…do you think I'd suit chinos?' .

`Yo more of a bitch than a bitch!' Ron said shrugging Harry off, who stood, shoulders slumping wishing he had just gone to buy his chinos this afternoon.

`Come on guys lets go' Voldemort said turning to lead his gang away, wondering if Harry would look good in chinos while noting that Lucius looked terrified.

`Yo scared yo hoe will want a real man' Ron shouted at Bella.

`I'm not a hoe' Bella replied indignantly.

`Yo fuck around with a bitch den yo a hoe' Ron said shrugging cockily.

`Your dress looks very pretty' Hermione said to Bella noting how long her legs were.

`What's your problem?' Voldemort said squaring up to Ron, if there was one thing he hated it was people being nasty to his friends.

`Yo face!' Ron said eye to eye with him. Voldemort took a step back and withdrew his wand, and quickly everyone had theirs out.

`NO!' Hermione screamed, her hand over her ears, making everyone stop dead. Screaming usually came later in a battle than this.

`What is it Hermione?' Harry asked softly, worry on his face `is it anything to do with me wearing chinos?'

`Of course not!' se said, a little teary eyed, Harry breathed out a sigh of relief at this news.

`Aren't you feeling well' Voldemort asked friendly, he never had anything against her and knew how bad fighting when ill could be.

`I'm ok, thank you' she replied with a smile.

`Yo woman, yo on the blob?' Ron said scathingly

`That's the problem…' she said seeming to shrink `I won't be on the blob for a long time…nine months to be exact…'

`What?' Ron said angrily `But we were waiting til marriage!'

Everyone stood with their mouths agape, shock stopping them still. Moments passed before laughter broke out around them, making as much noise as a cripple falling down a flight of stairs.

`What!' Harry said laughing loudly.

`With Hoe-marny?' Bella said giggling.

`You are sooo stupid!' Voldemort said bent over double as he laughed away.

`You really are a twat-eye!' Harry said laughing even more

`I'm pregnant….and its Harry's' Hermione said quickly, stopping everyone laughing instantly…except Lucius who seemed to miss it.

`That's even better than Lucius story!' Bella said after a few moments, gossip dripping every word she said.

`That's even better than my plan of killing you!' Voldemort said mournfully to Harry.

`Yo foo, that shit is wack' Ron added pissed.

`I think it's a fucking disaster and I HATE you and hope you and the baby die in child birth!' Harry shouted angrily. His life was slipping away…since when did you see fashionable dads? Hermione turned to look at him and took a step closer.

`How about if you're allowed a pair of chinos?' she said with a smile.

`Go on…' Harry said thinking of a pair of chinos.

`…And some aviators?' she said taking another step closer and putting her hand on his chest.

`Then… I love you!' He said after a few moments, a smile spread across his face `OOOHHHH a child all of my own! And he'll have ALL the chinos in the world!'

`Poor fucking child!' Bella said giggling slightly

`And as a present of peace offering, I'll give you my aviators' Voldemort said handing over his glasses slowly, unsure if he was doing the right thing or not.

`Thanks!' Harry said putting them on, sucking in his cheeks and pouting, he knew how cool he must look now.

`Mr. Voldemort' Hermione said nervously.

`Yes, sweet child?' Voldemort replied, he wondered why he had insisted on being called Lord when Mr. sounded much more respectable.

`Would you be the godfather of our child?' Hermione said smiling from ear to ear.

`That's a terrific idea!' Harry said beaming.

`Yo bi-a-tches!' Ron said angrily `I'm gonna be the godfather of my friends baby!'

`Um…no' Harry said awkwardly.

`Yeah… we can't be your friend anymore' Hermione said putting a hand on Ron's arm consolingly.

`What? Why?' Ron said in shock.

`We can't risk the baby catching ginger…I'm so sorry' Harry said with a sad smile.

`Oh…' Ron said in shock and quite upset `you sure?'

`Yeah' Hermione said `Gingers are freaks…we wouldn't be good parents if we didn't cut you out of our lives'

`But he's a murderer' Ron said sulkily.

`But a brunette murderer' Harry explained.

`Oh…what if I dye my hair?' he said putting his hands in his pockets.

`Then you'd be a murderer too' Harry said consolingly.

Ron stood stock still, tears threatening to come.

`Haven't you got somewhere to be?' Voldemort said looking at his watch awkwardly.

`Yeah…some…stuff…' Ron said turning away slowly before walking off. As he walked past the Ferris wheel he heard laughter form all of them making tears roll down his eyes. A Little kid ran up to him and stopped in his path `What is it?' he said between chokes.

`Ginger cunt!' the five year old shouted and spat at him.

Ron cried openly, alone in a circus, with only the sounds of laughter, as well as spit on his top, to keep him company.

*

I just wanna add that the views expressed by the characters in this story are not the views held by me…except on chinos…

Hope you enjoyed it,

Jms Granger

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