Sex. Or Gender, If You Prefer.

Ruddy_Brilliant

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 4
Published: 14/08/2006
Last Updated: 14/08/2006
Status: completed

Our lovely wedded couple dispute about whether the word is "sex" or "gender." And then they say to hell with that and run off to have some sex. What a crazy story.

Chapters

1. Chapter the Only

1. Chapter the Only

Disclaimer: Duh it’s not mine. Otherwise who do you think would like each other?

“Sex.”

“Gender.”

Harry crossed his arms.

Hermione glared.

“Sex,” Harry growled.

Hermione rolled her eyes. “Honestly, Harry, don’t you have any sense of proper at all?”

“Yes,” Harry said defensively. “But not on issues like whether you’re male or female.”

Hermione wrinkled her nose. “Sex is such a – vulgar – term for something as not vulgar as whether you’re male or female.”

“Vulgar!” exclaimed Harry. “It’s the word for whether you’re male or female! It’s not cursing!”

“Okay, so it’s the ‘word’ for whether you’re male or female. But it’s also a ‘word’ for a certain– um– other task.” Hermione blushed, then tried to recover. “And– Harry!”

Harry was slowly stalking toward her, a grin spreading across his face.

“An other task?” he asked, coming closer and closer. Suddenly, he grabbed her and pressed her up against him. His green eyes stared innocently into her. “And what might this– other task be?”

Hermione was finding it very difficult to think while she was pressed up against the most attractive man she’d ever known, especially when he was her husband. And when she could feel his hot breath on her neck and see his oh–so–green eyes searing into her.

“Har–ry,” she whined. “That’s not even fair. You know I can’t think when I’m up against you like that.”

Grinning, Harry let her go. “Nice to know I still have that effect on you,” he commented.

Hermione spun around. “What?” she choked out. “How could you not have that effect on me? Every time you even freaking enter the room I get all hot and bothered, and we’ve been married for five years!”

Harry laughed and pulled her into a hug. “I love you.” He paused. “And I think it’s wonderful that you’re of the female SEX.”

Hermione immediately screeched and jumped out of his embrace, swatting his butt. Harry continued laughing, ducking out of her way.

“Female GENDER, Harry! Female GENDER!” Hermione practically yelled.

“Hey hey hey, now what are you guys fighting about?” came a new voice. Harry and Hermione both looked up as Ronald Weasley entered the room.

“Ron,” said Harry impatiently, “whether you’re a female or a male is called your sex, right? Right?”

“No, no, no,” Hermione interrupted. “Ron, isn’t the word ‘gender’? Don’t you agree that ‘sex’ already means something– er– else– and ‘gender’ is the correct term?”

“The word ‘sex’ is not vulgar!” Harry said.

“It is!” Hermione responded.

“Hey hey hey, you guys are fighting like an old married couple!” interjected Ron.

Harry and Hermione stared at him.

“We are married,” said Harry.

Ron shrugged. “Well, you’re not old.” He walked over to the refrigerator and swung open the door.

Harry and Hermione rolled their eyes.

“Just what do you think you’re doing in our refrigerator, Ronald?” asked Hermione.

Ron straightened up, clutching a can of Black Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. “Man, I love this stuff!”

Harry looked at the can and wrinkled his nose. “You buy that stuff?” he asked Hermione.

Hermione looked around. “I– uh– I– like Muggle soda sometimes,” she said.

Harry looked at her. Hermione felt his eyes on her and refused to look up. Harry tilted her chin up and kissed her full on the lips.

“Hey, hey, hey, none of that now, I’m out of here!” called Ron.

Harry and Hermione pulled away, slightly panting. “Where are you going?” asked Hermione.

“To Luna’s.” Ron grinned wickedly. “We’ve got a... uh... ‘date’ tonight. If you know what I mean.” He winked.

Harry and Hermione groaned.

“Don’t wait up for me,” winked Ron as he left, chugging his can of Dr. P.

“You’re lucky we even let you live here!” Hermione called after him, then grinned at Harry, shaking her head.

Harry shook his head in disbelief. “I don’t know how that guy does it. Not being settled down, I mean.”

“Well, he is pretty settled down now, I mean, his and Luna’s wedding is only in a couple of months.”

“I know, but we’re all 28 now, and you and me have been married since we were 23. I could never have waited until now to get married and settle down. That’s what I’ve always wanted to do, marry you and live in a house with you. It’s a wonder I actually waited six years, from the time we graduated from Hogwarts til the time we turned 23.”

“Ah, yes, but you had a few other tasks to take care of during that time period,” grinned Hermione. “Defeating some powerful old dark wizard was one of them.”

Harry shook his head, bemused. “I still remember the night before we left for the final battle,” he said, grinning. “Ron refused to let anyone else sleep in his room on his last night there, so you and me had to sleep in the guest room together. And then–”

Hermione blushed crimson. “I started crying,” she admitted. “And then you were so good to me. Comforting me, everything. Somehow–”

“–we ended up making out,” finished Harry with a wide grin. “Merlin, Hermione, I can’t tell you how much that meant to me – going off to the final battle knowing the woman I’d loved since I was eleven loved me back, and that after I beat Voldemort, I was going to be able to have her forever.”

“Merlin, Harry, you had me long before that night,” smiled Hermione. “More like since first year.”

Harry smiled at her. “Well, now I own you forever.” He paused, then frowned. “No, actually, you own me.”

“Hey, I can’t deny I have you wrapped around my little finger,” simpered Hermione with a sly smile.

Harry grabbed her around the waist, pulling her up against him. “I want you every second of the day,” he said. “I’m yours, forever. I gladly admit it.”

Hermione snuggled into his chest. “It’s so good to know you’re of the male GENDER!”

Harry let out a roar of protest as Hermione jumped away from him, giggling.

“SEX!” he practically shouted. “SEX, SEX, SEX!”

“Ew, gross!” came Ron’s voice again, and he strode back into the room. He stopped and raised his eyebrows at the two of them. “Look, if you two want to have sex, fine. You’re married. But it’s really discomforting to me when you insist on playing your ‘begging games’ in the middle of the living room.”

Hermione and Harry glared at him.

“We are NOT playing begging games!” said Hermione hotly.

Ron held up his hands. “I’m not telling you to stop. You go right on ahead. I’m going over to Luna’s.”

“I thought you left ten minutes ago!” exclaimed Hermione.

“I had to change my shirt first,” Ron replied. “And my underwear,” he added as an afterthought, a wicked grin spreading across his face.

“Okay, GROSS,” said Harry firmly. “It is very discomforting to me, Ron, when you tell me that you need to change your underwear for Luna.”

“Okay, we’ll make a deal,” proposed Ron. “I don’t tell you about my sex life with Luna, and you and Hermione don’t play begging games in the living room. At least not when I’m home. Deal?”

Hermione rolled her eyes.

“Deal,” said Harry, hiding a grin and shaking hands with his best mate.

“And now I’m off,” announced Ron. “Feel free to play games now. See you guys later!” He Disapparated.

Harry burst out laughing.

“Harry, you pervy wanker,” sighed Hermione. “Okay, Ron, I won’t play ‘begging games’ with Hermione in the living room!” she mimicked in a high voice.

“Well, so long as we don’t have to hear about the orgies Luna gives him anymore, it’s worth it,” grinned Harry.

Hermione couldn’t help herself, and she grinned, too. “But I still stand firm that it’s gender!” she said in a stern voice.

“You know what...” drawled Harry in a seductive voice, his arm snaking around her waist and slowly pulling her closer to him. He pressed her right up against him so that Hermione could see the sparkles in his green eyes. He leaned down and whispered, his hot breath on her cheek, “I really don’t care what the word is anymore.”

Hermione gulped as one of Harry’s hands slowly snaked up under her shirt. “You– you don’t?” she stammered.

“No,” replied Harry slowly, shaking his head, “I don’t.”

Hermione groaned.

And with a fierce motion, Harry brought his head down to her, crushing his lips against hers.

They broke apart, panting, and Harry gently scooped her up in his arms. “Right now,” he whispered, his breath tickling her ear, “the only word I’m interested in is sex. The– other form.”

Hermione groaned again in pleasure, and brought her lips down to his as he headed for the stairs, intent on an evening with his lovely wife of the female gender.

Sex.

Oh, whatever.