Told You I Was Ill

Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.

Tribes, With Sir David Attenborough

By Lithen

AS PER ATTENBOROUGH'S `TRIBAL EYE,' THE SHOW BEGINS WITH A FRONT VIEW OF NUMBER FOUR PRIVET DRIVE. CAMERA SLOWLY PANS TO THE LEFT, SETTLING ON A WINDOW ON THE SECOND FLOOR. CAMERA ZOOMS TO THE INSIDE OF THE ROOM. SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH IS INSIDE THE ROOM, FACING THE CAMERA. PROPS HAVE BEEN SET UP IN THE ROOM TO GIVE IT A TRIBAL FEEL: IDOLS, JARS, BASKETS, MASKS, URNS, AND A FEW PLANTS. MUSIC OF AFRICAN DRUMS AND CHANTING PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND.

CAPTION: THE TRIBAL EYE SHOW

A SERIES OF DOCUMENTARIES ON PRIMITIVE PEOPLE.

THIS WEEK - THE HOG WARTS STUD ENTRY

ATTENBOROUGH WEARS OVER-LARGE, KNEE-LENGTH SHORTS, OVER-SIZED BLACK BOOTS, KNEE-HIGH WHITE SOCKS, AND A SHORT-SLEEVED KHAKI SHIRT.

ATTENBOROUGH: Good evening and welcome to this special episode of the `Tribal Eye' show. Join us as we take a look at a small group of people living virtually unknown right here in London, England - the Hog Warts Stud Entry Tribe.

CUE HARRY AS HE ENTERS HIS ROOM. HE SEES THE PROPS AND DAVID ATTENBOROUGH TALKING TO THE CAMERA.

HARRY: What in the world is going on here? And who're you?

ATTENBOROUGH IGNORES HIM.

ATTENBOROUGH: This week we will follow the journey of a young man from this tribe as he enters manhood and go through a mating ritual.

HARRY: How'd you get into my room?

ATTENBOROUGH CONTINUES TO IGNORE HIM. THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO HARRY.

ATTENBOROUGH (voiceover): And here we see the young man who, for the sake of our viewers, we have chosen to call `Harry.'

HARRY: What do you mean you'll call me `Harry?' I AM HARRY!

ATTENBOROUGH WALKS INTO THE FRAME. HARRY IS WAVING AT HIM FROM BEHIND SHOUTING EXPLETIVES.

ATTENBOROUGH: It is around this time that `Harry' and others his age goes through a change and, for the first time in their lives, feels the urge to mate. It is this urge that causes him to turn to the gods of his tribe for help.

CAMERA PANS TO THE WINDOW. HEDWIG LANDS ON THE WINDOW SILL CARRYING A LETTER.

HEDWIG: Hoot!

ATTENBOROUGH WALKS INTO FRAME.

ATTENBOROUGH: They have many varied beliefs, some unusual and some incomprehensible. For instance, this strange creature…

HARRY: It's an owl.

ATTENBOROUGH: …this strange animal is believed to be a messenger of the gods.

HARRY: For the last time. IT'S. AN. OWL.

ATTENBOROUGH: It is their custom to feed these creatures seeds of some sort grown locally on the ground. They give these `seeds' as an offering. Tribal stories say that when you appease this messenger of the gods, it will deliver a letter to you bearing the answer of the gods whether they favor you or not.

CAMERA SHOWS HARRY GIVING HEDWIG SOME TREATS. HE GETS THE LETTER AND OPENS IT. CAMERA ZOOMS TO THE LETTER REVEALING IT TO HAVE BEEN SENT BY HERMIONE. HARRY SMILES AND SIGHS.

ATTENBOROUGH (voiceover): Apparently the gods have favored him.

HARRY: Do you mind? I'm reading my letter.

ATTENBOROUGH: As we can see, the letter contains a crude form of writing probably dating back to more than a million years ago. Fortunately, we have managed to decode some of this old, forgotten language.

CLOSE UP ON THE LETTER. ON THE NOTE, HERMIONE AGREES TO MEET HARRY TOMORROW AT DIAGON ALLEY BEFORE GOING TO HOGWARTS.

SUBTITLE: Yes. We are both of age. I agree to undergo the mating ritual with you.

HARRY STOPS READING THE LETTER AND LOOKS AT THE SUBTITLE.

HARRY: What the f__k is this?

CUT SCENE TO THE DURSLEYS AT THE LIVING ROOM WATCHING THE TRIBAL EYE SHOW.

DUDLEY: Oi, Dad! Isn't that Harry on the telly?

VERNON: I do believe it is, son.

PETUNIA: And isn't that Dudikins spare bedroom upstairs?

THE DURSLEYS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND RUN UPSTAIRS TO HARRY'S ROOM. LOUD FOOTSTEPS AS THEY RAN UP THE STAIRS. CUT SCENE BACK TO SIR ATTENBOROUGH.

ATTENBOROUGH: Ah, we're in luck. It seems we are about to witness a common family habit before they turn in to sleep.

DURSLEYS BURST INTO THE ROOM. THEY ARE EXCITED. THEY JUMP UP AND DOWN AND START CLAPPING THEIR HANDS.

DUDLEY: I'm on the telly! I'm on the telly!

ATTENBOROUGH: This habit, common to all families of this tribe, is characterized by jumping up and down like pogo sticks while bringing their hands together and often accompanied by loud squealing.

HARRY BURIES FACE IN HIS HANDS AND GROANS AMIDST THE DURSLEYS.

ATTENBOROUGH: Also notice how two of the males in this family are considerably bigger than the female. This means that our young man, `Harry,' was originally raised to be a young woman.

HARRY: WHAT!

NEW LOCATION: Diagon Alley, on the way to Flourish and Blotts.

HARRY IS WALKING TO MEET HERMIONE AT FLOURISH AND BLOTTS. SIR ATTENBOROUGH IS BEHIND HIM, HE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.

ATTENBOROUGH: We are now here at Diagon Alley to meet the female who is the object of `Harry's' affection.

HARRY: Quit following me. You're starting to get on my nerves.

HARRY ARRIVES AT FLOURISH AND BLOTTS. HE SEES HERMIONE TALKING TO DRACO MALFOY. DRACO HAS HIS BACK TO HARRY. CAMERA SHOWS HARRY NARROW HIS EYEBROWS AND GRIT HIS TEETH.

ATTENBOROUGH: A peculiar behavior such as this is displayed when a rival male intrudes upon his chosen mate. Often, this is followed by the males butting heads against each other or they may try to intimidate each other with elaborate displays and name calling.

CAMERA FOLLOWS HARRY AS HE STOMPS TOWARDS DRACO. SIR ATTENBOROUGH FOLLOWS.

HARRY: Hey, ferret-boy!

ATTENBOROUGH: `Harry' has chosen to try and chase away his rival, who we shall call `pale-face,' from his chosen mate.

HERMIONE RAISES AN EYEBROW UPON HEARING THIS. DRACO TURNS AROUND TO FACE HARRY.

PALE-FACE (Draco): If it isn't Potty - whoa!

CAMERA ZOOMS ON DRACO'S FACE. DRACO POINTS AT THE CAMERA.

PALE-FACE (Draco): Wh-what is that! Get it away from me!

DRACO PISSES IN HIS PANTS. A FEW DROPS OF PISS LAND ON HERMIONE'S SHOE. CAMERA FOCUSES ON SHOE THEN ON HERMIONE.

HERMIONE: Ewwwww!

ATTENBOROUGH: The rival male, `Pale-face,' visibly seems to be scared of `Harry.' In a last effort to steal the female, he marks her with his piss. `Pale-face' hopes that the smell would drive away other males.

HARRY: Looks like Draco made a widdle wee-wee.

DRACO LOOKS LIKE HE IS ABOUT TO CRY. HE RUNS AWAY.

Pale-face (Draco): You'll pay for this, Potter!

HERMIONE THROWS HERSELF AT HARRY AND GIVES HIM A BIG HUG.

HERMIONE: Harry! I've missed you!

HARRY RETURNS THE HUG. THERE IS A GOOFY GRIN ON HIS FACE. SIR ATTENBOROUGH STANDS BESIDE THE TWO.

ATTENBOROUGH: Having successfully defeated the other male, the female, who we've named `Bushy,' gives `Harry' a sign of approval. This action is done by throwing one's self at the victorious male and squeezing hard. This action is considered barbaric in modern culture but is a common occurrence in this tribe.

HERMIONE AND HARRY LOOK AT SIR ATTENBOROUGH.

BUSHY (Hermione): Harry, why is Sir David Attenborough with you?

HARRY: Believe me, I've no idea.

ATTENBOROUGH: `Harry,' on his part, takes this opportunity to release pheromones into the air, thereby effectively coating his desired mate, `Bushy,' with his scent.

BUSHY (Hermione): Did he just call me `Bushy'? Your mate?

HARRY: Err… ha ha, uhm…

BUSHY (Hermione): Well?

CLOSE UP ON HARRY'S FACE. HIS CHEEKS ARE RED.

HARRY: L-look, I… I know this may not be the best time but… w-well I do like you Hermione. Truth is I…I love you.

BUSHY (Hermione): Oh Harry.

HERMIONE LEANS IN TO KISS HARRY ON THE LIPS. CHURCH BELLS RING IN THE BACKGROUND. CUT SCENE TO H/HR SHIPPERS AROUND THE WORLD.

H/HR SHIPPERS: SQUEEEEEE!

CUT BACK TO SIR ATTENBOROUGH. HARRY AND HERMIONE ARE HUGGING IN THE BACKGROUND.

ATTENBOROUGH: And if all goes well, we may yet see the next step of this mating ritual, often done in the private quarters of the female.

BUSHY (Hermione): What!

Harry: Easy, Hermione. Just ignore him.

HERMIONE GLARED AT HARRY.

CHANGE LOCATION: Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor

HARRY AND HERMIONE ARE EATING ICE CREAM AT A TABLE. SIR ATTENBOROUGH IS IN A SEAT NEXT TO THEM, ALSO EATING ICE CREAM.

BUSHY (Hermione): Sir Attenborough, why are you here?

SIR ATTENBOROUGH IGNORES HER.

ATTENBOROUGH: After both the male and female have agreed to pair up, which in this tribe is for life - totally absurd in our society, they often celebrate by eating these wonderful cold treats. It is interesting that the recipes of these treats are unknown to us in the modern world.

HARRY: It's no use Hermione.

CUE IN RON WEASLEY AS HE ENTERS THE ICE CREAM PARLOR. HIS FACE IS RED AND HE IS SLIGHTLY SHAKING. HIS FISTS ARE CLENCHED. HE MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS HARRY AND HERMIONE.

ATTENBOROUGH: Another male has come to challenge `Harry' for the right to be `Bushy's' mate. `Harry' must prove his dominance if he wants to keep his female. We shall call this newcomer `Freckles.'

RON SLAMS A FIST ON THE TABLE. CLOSE UP ON RON, CAMERA SLOWLY PANS OUT.

FRECKLES (Ron): I saw you two on the veletision. How could you do this behind my back?

HARRY: Now hold on Ron. Don't be upset. Let's talk about this calmly.

BUSHY (Hermione): Yes Ron. Please do sit. You're making a scene.

FRECKLES (Ron): I will not sit! How could you do this to me? Especially you Harry! You're my best friend! You traitor!

HARRY STANDS UP.

ATTENBOROUGH: This doesn't look well. The aftermath of these tribal confrontations are violently graphic in nature. I advise you, our viewers, to send the children away from your television sets.

HARRY: Wait a second! I didn't know you liked her that way! Where do you get off calling me a traitor!

HERMIONE STANDS UP. THE CROWD AT THE ICE CREAM PARLOR WATCHING THE SCENE.

BUSHY (Hermione): Ron, don't be a prat. If you liked me that way, you should talk to me and not blame Harry.

RON'S EYES WIDEN. MOUTH AGAPE.

FRECKLES (Ron): What the bloody hell are you two talking about?

HARRY AND HERMIONE LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

HARRY: What are you talking about?

FRECKLES (Ron): The ice cream of course! You could have at least invited me!

THE WHOLE ROOM FACE-FAULTED EXCEPT FOR SIR ATTENBOROUGH WHO WAS INTENT ON FINISHING HIS ICE CREAM.

EVERYONE: WHAT!

CHANGE LOCATION: HOGWARTS EXPRESS, HEADBOY AND HEADGIRL'S COMPARTMENT.

CAMERA SHOWS SIR ATTENBOROUGH TIP-TOEING TOWARDS THE HEADBOY AND HEADGIRL'S COMPARTMENT. HE STOPS AT THE DOOR AND WHISPERS TOWARDS THE CAMERA.

ATTENBOROUGH: It is a known fact that for `Harry' and `Bushy' to be recognized as official adults, they must pass the mating ritual. Hence they spend most of their time perfecting their technique to pass the coming rigorous test. If you listen carefully, you can hear them practicing behind this very door.

SOUNDS OF SUCKING AND MOANING ARE HEARD FROM THE ROOM. SIR ATTENBOROUGH QUIETLY OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL HARRY SITTING UP WITH HERMIONE STRADLING HIS LEGS. BOTH ARE IN A HEATED KISS. NEITHER IS AWARE OF SIR ATTENBOROUGH.

CUT SCENE TO THE GRANGER'S RESIDENCE.

Mr. Granger: So where do you want to have our vacation next summer?

Mrs. Granger: I know! Why don't we watch that tribal show by Sir Attenborough? We can get ideas from there.

Mr. Granger: Good idea, love.

MR. GRANGER PUTS ON THE TELEVISION AND CLICKS THE CHANNELS TO THE TRIBAL SHOW. HARRY AND HERMIONE ARE ON THE SHOW. HARRY IS RUNNING HIS HAND ON HERMIONE'S THIGH. HIS HAND DISAPPEARS UNDER HERMIONE'S SKIRT. CHEESY SAXOPHONE MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

Mrs. Granger: Oh my!

Mr. Granger: THAT BOY IS DEAD!

CUT SCENE TO SIR ATTENBOROUGH. SLIGHT DROOL DRIPPING FROM HIS OPEN MOUTH. DOOR STILL AJAR. THEN A LOUD `FLASH' SOUND. HARRY AND HERMIONE ARE STARTLED AND FALL TO THE FLOOR. HERMIONE'S KNICKERS ARE EXPOSED. ANOTHER LOUD `FLASH.' SIR ATTENBOROUGH TURNS AROUND TO COME FACE TO FACE WITH COLIN CREEVEY.

COLIN: What?

CHANGE SCENE: Great Hall, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

HARRY AND HERMIONE ARE AT THE TEACHERS TABLE TALKING TO DUMBLEDORE.

BUSHY (Hermione): This is getting out of hand, professor. You must do something. Sir Attenborough just keeps following us.

DUMBLEDORE: I'll see what I can do miss Granger.

ELSEWHERE, SIR ATTENBOROUGH IS INTERVIEWING SNAPE. SNAPE LOOKS VERY IRRITATED.

ATTENBOROUGH: We have with us one of `Harry's' long time teachers, who we'll call `Greasy.'

SNAPE IS INCREDIBLY ANNOYED.

ATTENBOROUGH: How long have you known `Harry'?

GREASY (Snape): I have no time for this.

SUBTITLES APPEAR BELOW THE SCREEN. SNAPE LOOKS AT THE WHITE LETTERS BELOW AND THROWS UP.

SUBTITLE: Why, I've known him since he was a small boy. I love that kid!

ATTENBOROUGH: Really. And what is your relation with the boy?

SHOWS SNAPE BENDED OVER ON THE FLOOR. SNAPE CONTINUES TO PUKE. MORE BARFING SOUNDS FROM SNAPE.

SUBTITLE: I've been training him day and night so he can pass the mating ritual. And, I say, I'm very impressed with him. Ha ha ha.

ATTENBOROUGH: Thank you, `Greasy.'

SIR ATTENBOROUGH LEAVES A STILL PUKING SEVERUS SNAPE. SIR ATTENBOROUGH IS APPROACHED BY DUMBLEDORE FOLLOWED BY HARRY AND HERMIONE.

DUMBLEDORE: Sir Attenborough, may I have a word with you?

SIR ATTENBOROUGH FACES THE CAMERA.

ATTENBOROUGH: What luck! The village elder is inviting me into his audience. This is a rare opportunity we have been presented.

DUMBLEDORE: Yes… well, uh, lemon drop?

DUMBLEDORE EXTENDS A TIN CAN OF LEMON DROPS TO SIR ATTENBOROUGH. SIR ATTENBOROUGH PICKS ONE.

ATTENBOROUGH: It is a customary greeting to offer a food item to the village elder when one meets him, followed by the words: `lemon drop?' This assures them that I, the visitor, come in peace.

SIR ATTENBOROUGH POCKETS THE LEMON DROP AND DRAWS OUT A PEANUT. HE EXTENDS THE PEANUT TO DUMBLEDORE.

ATTENBOROUGH: Lemon drop?

DUMBLEDORE: I don't think you understand…

THE DOORS OF THE GREAT HALL FLY OPEN. ALASTOR MOODY WALKS INSIDE FOLLOWED BY TONKS, REMUS, AND KINGSLEY. DOBBY, THE HOUSE-ELF, CLOSES THE DOORS.

MOODY: Albus, we've discovered a new plot by You-Know-Who.

HOGWARTS STUDENTS: Gasp!

DUMBLEDORE: What is this plot you say?

MOODY: The Dark Lord plans to annoy Potter until he loses the will to live.

HOGWARTS STUDENTS: Gasp!

REMUS STARTS SNIFFING THE AIR. HE GOES NEAR SIR ATTENBOROUGH'S BACKSIDE.

LUPIN: It's you!

ATTENBOROUGH: Ha ha ha! So you've found me! Ha ha ha!

HARRY: What is it, Moony?

LUPIN: It's him, Harry! It's Voldemort!

SIR ATTENBOROUGH RIPS HIS MASK OFF REVEALING THE FACE OF LORD VOLDEMORT. PHANTOM OF THE OPERA MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

VOLDEMORT: Ha ha ha! Prepare yourself, Harry! You're about to meet your end.

HARRY: You've got some balls coming here alone, Voldemort!

VOLDEMORT: Ha ha ha! Who said I was alone?

THE DOORS FLY OPEN FOR THE SECOND TIME TO REVEAL THE KING OF FOP, MICHAEL JACKSON. DOBBY GOT HIT BY THE DOOR AND IS FLUNG OUTSIDE A WINDOW INTO THE GREAT LAKE.

JACKSON: Hello there children!

EVERYONE EXCEPT VOLDEMORT AND JACKSON: Oh no!

VOLDEMORT AND JACKSON: Ha ha ha ha ha ha…

SCREEN FADES TO BLACK. MANIACAL LAUGHTER CONTINUES. SCROLL CREDITS. AT THE BOTTOM OF THE CREDITS IS THIS MESSAGE:

At this very moment, the author of this story has been confined to the psychiatric ward of St. Mungo's Hospital. He has Gilderoy Lockhart as a roommate. Let us hope he gets well soon.

END

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Told You I Was Ill

by lithen

THE SHOW OPENS WITH HARRY AND RON TALKING BY THE LAKESIDE. HARRY IS LOOKING TOWARD THE LAKE. RON IS BUSY DRINKING MILKSHAKE FROM A PLASTIC STRAW.

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND SHOW THE CREEVEY BROTHERS HIDING BEHIND A NEARBY BUSH. COLIN IS STRUGGLING TO SETUP HIS CAMERA. DENNIS IS BEING CRUSHED UNDERNEATH.

CUT BACK TO HARRY AND RON.

HARRY: Can't believe were finally going to leave this place.

RON: Mhmm. (FX: noisy slurping)

HARRY: We've had so many memories here. Lots of adventures.

HARRY SHAKES HIS HEAD. A SMALL SMILE ON HIS LIPS. RON NODS HIS HEAD WITH THE STRAW STILL IN HIS MOUTH.

RON: Mhm. Mhmm. (FX: even noisier slurping)

HARRY: When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of winning the house cup or the quidditch matches…

RON RAISES AN EYEBROW. HARRY'S SMILE GROWS WIDER.

HARRY: No. My fondest memory was seeing Hermione's tits.

RON CHOKES ON THE STRAW AND SPILLS MILK ON HIS CROTCH. FX: HACKING AND WHEEZING SOUNDS. RON GULPS FOR AIR. RON GRABS HARRY BY THE COLLAR, EYES WIDE, MILK OOZING FROM HIS NOSE.

RON: What?!

A LOUD FLASH IS HEARD. BOTH RON AND HARRY ARE OBLIVIOUS. CUT TO THE CREEVEY BROTHERS.

COLIN: What do you suppose those two are talking about?

DENNIS: Dunno. Something about `her tiny tits.' Can't really hear.

COLIN: `her tiny tits?'

DENNIS: Yeah. Anyway, did you get it?

COLIN: Of course! They don't call me the `Phantom Photographer' for nothing. Mwahahaha…

DENNIS: But they don't.

COLIN IGNORES HIM AND CONTINUES MANIACAL LAUGHTER. DENNIS SNATCHES THE PHOTO. THE MOVING PICTURES SHOW RON GRABBING HARRY BY THE COLLAR AND PULLING HIM IN. IT APPEARS LIKE RON IS ABOUT TO KISS HARRY.

DENNIS: This is so wrong.

CUE MONTAGE PROGRAM INTRO OF HOGWARTS STUDENTS DOING REPETITIVE MENIAL SCHOOL TASKS WITH FAKE HUGE SMILES TAPED OVER THEIR MOUTHS, SNAPE AND HAGRID IN TUTUS, MCGONAGALL MUDWRESTLING, AND DOBBY DOING SOMETHING QUESTIONABLE WITH A SOCK. MUSIC OF VARIOUS PERCUSSION INSTRUMENTS IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

TITLE CAPTION: HOGWARTS 2021

CAPTION: (Pilot Episode: Its Milk)

SHOW RESUMES.

THE CREEVEY BROTHERS ARE WALKING TOWARD THE CASTLE. COLIN IS STROKING HIS BEARD, WHICH COMPRISED OF TWO OR THREE STRANDS OF HAIR.

COLIN: So, who do you think Harry was talking about?

DENNIS: About?

COLIN: The girl with tiny tits.

DENNIS: I don't think it's really our business, bro.

VOICES: No. But it is ours.

DENNIS TURNS AROUND. LAVENDER AND PARVATI ARE STANDING BEHIND THEM.

LAVENDER: What's this about Harry and tiny tits, hmmm?

PARVATI: Yes. Please do tell.

THE TWO GIRLS SMILE EVILLY, THEIR EYES GLOWING EERILY.

A WHIP ONE CARRIED, A RUBBER CHICKEN THE OTHER HARRIED.

THE ONLY THING LACKING, WAS A PADDLE FOR WHACKING.

DENNIS: W-we heard Harry say his fondest memory was seeing tiny tits.

LAVENDER: Is that all?

DENNIS: That's all! I swear!

COLIN NODS IN AGREEMENT AND GULPS. THE TWO GIRLS HURRY OFF LAUGHING SHRILLY.

COLIN: That was scary.

DENNIS: Sure was.

VOICE: Not as scary as I'll be.

THE BROTHERS TURN AROUND AGAIN TO FIND ROMILDA VANE GLARING AT THEM.

ROMILDA: Where's that picture of my *darling* Harry I asked you to take?

COLIN: H-here it is.

ROMILDA: This better be worth the 100 galleons I paid you.

ROMILDA SNATCHES THE PHOTO AND LOOKS AT IT. HER MOUTH OPENS AND CLOSES LIKE A GOLDFISH. HER FINGERS TIGHTEN AROUND THE PHOTO.

ROMILDA: Wha, what, wh-wha, what…

DENNIS: Brother, I think she's in shock.

COLIN SHAKES ROMILDA BY THE SHOULDERS. ROMILDA SUDDENLY RAISES A FIST TO THE AIR, CATCHING COLIN ON THE CHIN.

ROMILDA: You're dead, Ron Weasley!

THE CREEVEY BROTHERS WATCH ROMILDA RUN OFF. SOUNDS OF ROMILDA SHOUTING EXPLETIVES IN THE BACKGROUD.

DENNIS: Girls are frightening.

COLIN: Right. That's why I don't like girls.

DENNIS: Brother… Just stay away from me.

CHANGE SCENE: GREAT HALL, DINNER

STUDENTS ARE HAVING DINNER. HARRY AND RON ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE GREAT HALL. HARRY IS STRAIGHTENING HIS CLOTHES.

RON: Sorry again, Harry.

HARRY: Really Ron, you shouldn't overreact at such a small thing.

HERMIONE: What small thing?

RON: Oh, Hermione, it's really nothing. It doesn't concern you.

RON STARTS WHISTLING. HARRY SHRUGS.

HERMIONE: Riiiight. Anyway, don't you feel something strange here?

SOME STUDENTS STARED AT THE THREE FRIENDS. SOME GIGGLED. OTHERS SNICKERED. LAVENDER AND PARVATI MADE THEIR WAY TO THE TRIO.

LAVENDER: Hello Harry. *giggles*

PARVATI: We heard something interesting about you.

HARRY: Oh really?

DRACO: Hey, Potter! I didn't know you liked tiny tits!

HERMIONE'S EYES WIDEN. SHE LOOKS AT HARRY.

LAVENDER: That's right, Hermione. Harry here likes-

HERMIONE GRABS HARRY BY THE COLLAR.

HERMIONE: I show you my breasts and you have the gall to call them tiny!

HOGWARTS STUD ENTRY: Gasp!

HARRY: Urk! It's not what you think. I never -

DOBBY APPEARS NEAR HARRY'S PANT LEG WITH A POP.

DOBBY: Please don't kill Harry Potter-sir. It wasn't Ms. Hermione's tits sir was talking about.

HARRY: Dobby, you're a lifesaver.

DOBBY: Sir was talking about mine.

DOBBY BEGINS TO LICK HIS FINGERS AND DRAW CIRCLES AROUND HIS NIPPLES.

DOBBY: Ooooooh!

HARRY: GYAAAHHH!

EVERYONE ELSE: Ewwwwww!

HARRY PUNTS DOBBY TO THE GREAT LAKE.

HARRY: Don't say things like that, you idiot! *Huff, huff*

HERMIONE: Well? Whose tits were you talking about then?

HARRY: Like I said-

GINNY: Don't you dare say it's me, Harry. You know how great my goods are.

HOWLS OF LUST ARE HEARD FROM THE BOYS MUCH TO THE GIRLS' ANNOYANCE. HERMIONE'S EYEBROWS NARROW.

HERMIONE: Harry. Explain. Quickly.

HARRY: It was last year. Remember? Sixth year?

RON: I think she wants to know whose breasts are bigger, mate.

HARRY: Ron, shut up.

GINNY JOINS THE GROUP.

GINNY: Tell her, Harry. There's no way I'd lose to a flat-chested bookworm.

HERMIONE: Hey! That's uncalled-for. If I know anything, you're the flat-chested one!

RON: Hahaha! Hermione, don't be absurd. Ginny's not flat-chested.

SILENCE IN THE GREAT HALL.

DRACO: And how'd you know that, Weasley?

LUNA: Yes, Ron. How do you know?

HARRY: I don't really care but-

HERMIONE: Shush, Harry.

RON: Eherm… well… see, our mum is… well, big… at the top. So Ginny… being mum's daughter… maybe she's… big, you know, up there… too…

EVERYONE'S THOUGHTS: Pervert. Sicko. Weirdo.

SLUGHORN: A brilliant deduction, Mr. Weasley. But I'm afraid we need more physical proof to know which tit Mr. Potter was speaking of.

VOICE: Silence, you old coot!

EVERYONE LOOKS AT THE SPEAKER, ROMILDA. CAMERA ZOOMS AT ROMILDA STANDING ALONE IN A CORNER, STRIKING A SUPER HERO POSE. SHE IS WEARING A HEART MADE OUT TO BE A MASK AND AN OVERLY LONG WHITE CAPE (BEDSHEET) WITH HEART PATTERNS HASTILY STITCHED IN. AT THE END OF HER WAND, A PAPER CUTOUT OF A HEART IS GLUED.

RANDOM 1ST YEAR GRYFFINDOR: Doesn't she belong to our house?

MCGONAGALL: Not if I can help it.

NEVILLE: How come we didn't notice her before?

DEAN: Well, being dressed like that, wouldn't you rather ignore her?

NEVILLE: I see your point.

CAMERA RETURNS TO ROMILDA. SHE IS WALKING AWKWARDLY BECAUSE HER CAPE IS TOO LONG.

ROMILDA: Fools! You're all wrong! You argue on whose tit Harry is so fond of when the answer is so obvious and in plain sight.

HARRY: Oh no. What now?

ROMILDA RAISES HER HAND AND POINTS UP TO THE CEILING. SOUND OF ARMY DRUMS CAN BE HEARD. AT THE END OF THE DRUMROLL, ROMILDA BRINGS HER HAND DOWN.

ROMILDA: Him!

EVERYONE: Gasp!

DRACO: Me? What are you pointing at me for?

ROMILDA: Ooops, sorry. Can't see anything through this blasted mask. I meant, him!

ROMILDA RIPS MASK OFF AND POINTS AT RON.

RON: Wha!

EVERYONE: Double gasp!

ROMILDA: That's right! The tit Harry's so fond of belongs to him! And I can prove it!

CUE THE CREEVEY BROTHERS WHEELING IN A CART OF PHOTOGRAPHS. THEY BOTH WEAR HEART-SHAPED COSTUMES AND MASKS. THEY BEGIN DISTRIBUTING THE PHOTOS.

DENNIS: This is embarrassing.

COLIN: I dunno. I kinda like this suit.

DENNIS: I definitely have to stop hanging out with you.

AS EVERYONE SCANS THE PICTURE, EXAGGERATED UNINTELLIGIBLE MOANS OF DISGUST FILL THE ROOM.

RON: Damn it! It isn't even my good side.

HARRY: Ron, just please be quiet.

CAMERA FOLLOWS ROMILDA AS SHE ADVANCES TOWARD RON.

ROMILDA: Did you think I would take this lying down? Harry's mine and - Eeeek! What's that?

ROMILDA POINTS AT RON'S CROTCH. A STAIN IS EVIDENT. EVERYONE LOOKS AT RON'S CROTCH. CAMERA ZOOM ON RON'S CROTCH.

DENNIS: This is so wrong.

DRACO: Did you pee in your pants, Weasley?

LUNA: I'm so disappointed in you, Ron.

HERMIONE: I'm not really surprised.

HARRY: Yeah. You should see his bed in the morning.

RON: Shut up, Harry. This isn't pee and you know it. You did this to me. You made me spill my milk!

DRACO: Milk?

RON: Yeah. Milk. White stuff. Milk, milk.

LUNA: Ron. I can't believe you'd refuse my advances but not his. *sobs*

ALL EYES ON HARRY.

HARRY: Don't look at me! He's nuts!

RON: Just admit it. It's your fault my crotch is wet with milk.

ROMILDA: See! Ron admits it!

DENNIS: That just sounds so wrong.

SEAMUS: Wow. I thought I knew them well.

DEAN: Yeah. And to think we're their roommates.

PAUSE.

NEVILLE: Do you think it's possible to ask Prof. Mcgonagall for a different room?

SEAMUS: Nah. That's why I'm camping out in the common room.

DEAN: Dibs on the couch.

HERMIONE: Oh Harry. I can forgive you for looking at another girl's breast but this… I can't…

HARRY STARTS BANGING HIS HEAD AGAINST A WALL.

HARRY: Why me? Why me? Why me…

HARRY'S VOICE TRAILS OFF WHILE SCREEN FADES TO BLACK. SCROLL CREDITS.

SHOW CLIP OF AUTHOR FACING A COMMITTEE OF MEDI-WIZARDS AND WITCHES.

HEAD MEDI-WIZARD: This is your latest story?

THE HEAD MEDI-WIZARD WAVES THE 9-PAGE STORY. AUTHOR NODS.

HEAD MEDI-WIZARD: It's still not good and the ending is weak but it's obvious your idiocy has subsided. I think the rest of the committee agrees that you can be discharged from the asylum now.

AUTHOR: *sobs* Thank you. You won't regret this.

HEAD MEDI-WIZARD: Just one last thing.

AUTHOR: Yes?

HEAD MEDI-WIZARD: What do you think of `Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince?'

AUTHOR: I think it's extremely well written. The character development and emotional tone was superb. And Harry and Ginny. Wow! They're made for each o-

HEAD MEDI-WIZARD: Nurse! Get in here and triple the patient's dosage. It's obvious he suffers from a severe form of dementia.

CUT SCENE TO THE AUTHOR BEING THROWN BACK TO HIS ROOM IN A STRAIGHT JACKET. GILDEROY WAVES AT THE CAMERA.

AUTHOR: No! Please! I repent! I repent!

END

CAPTION: NEXT TIME ON HOGWARTS 2021

CAPTION: MTG - MUGGLE THE GATHERING

SCENE OF FRED AND GEORGE PLAYING CARDS.

FRED: I attack using my `Playground Bully' and use the fast effect `Fatty Fries' to increase his bulk by +3 and add trample.

GEORGE: I pay three money and tap my `Four-Eyed Geek' to special summon the `School Principle' from the graveyard. This card has the power to send your bully back to your library. How's that for detention?

END CLIP.

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Told You I Was Ill

by lithen

PLAY INTRO

CAPTION: HOGWARTS 2021

CAPTION: Episode 1: Battle!

END INTRO

SETTING: Gryffindor Common Room

THE SHOW BEGINS IN A SOMBER MOOD. GINNY IS CRYING ON RON'S SHOULDERS. VARIOUS STUDENTS SURROUND THEM, NOT REALLY PAYING ATTENTION. ALL THE STUDENTS ARE PLAYING CARDS. THE ROOM IS DECKED BY LIT CANDLES AND THE SOUND OF WONKY VIOLIN MUSIC CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. CUE TO HARRY AS HE ENTERS THE ROOM.

HARRY: What's going on here?

HERMIONE: Good, you're here. Ginny's heartbroken. Draco has been sentenced to four years in Azkaban.

HARRY: That's terrible!

HERMIONE: I know.

HARRY: He should get life!

HERMIONE WHACKS HARRY ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD.

HARRY: Ow! What's he in for anyway?

HERMIONE: You know that string of muggle disappearances?

HARRY: He got blamed for that?

HERMIONE: Yes. But I've a feeling that the real person to blame is underfoot.

FRED: Geez! Will you get off us already?

GEORGE: How long are you gonna keep standing on us?

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL HERMIONE STANDING ON FRED AND GEORGE. THE TWINS STAND UP. HERMIONE IS FLIPPED TO THE GROUND. HER KNICKERS ARE EXPOSED. A LOUD FLASH IS HEARD. COLIN HANDS THE PHOTO TO HARRY.

HARRY: Thanks a quid!

COLIN: Heh! I'm the Phantom Photographer after all.

COLIN BOUNDS OFF, LAUGHING DISTURBINGLY. HARRY POCKETS THE PHOTO.

HARRY: Another one for the collection.

CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON FRED AND GEORGE (WORMS POV).

FRED: So you've found us, have you, Hermione!

GEORGE: You truly are the cleverest witch of your age!

HARRY (voiceover): Like that's got anything to do with it.

HERMIONE: Hah! I knew you two were behind the muggle disappearances.

NEVILLE: I wonder how she figured that out?

DEAN: Well, she [is] the clever-

SEAMUS: -est witch of her age, yadda, yadda. So we've heard about a bajillion tim-

HERMIONE: Silence!

HARRY: But Hermione, how did you figure it out?

CAMERA SHOWS HARRY WITH A CHOCOLATE FROG HALFWAY IN HIS MOUTH. HE'S PLACING THE PHOTO INTO AN ALBUM LABELED `THE MANY KNICKERS OF HERMIONE GRANGER.'

HERMIONE: It was easy. The cards.

HARRY: Cards?

HERMIONE: Yes. The new card game from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes: MTG - Muggle, The Gathering TM. (FX: Sound of thunder and a lightning flash)

NEVILLE: TM?

DEAN: Yeah. `cause some wizards from the coast might sue for copyright infringement.

NEVILLE: I see.

HARRY: But what does Muggle, The Gathering TM (FX: Sound of thunder and a lightning flash) has to do with the disappearances?

HERMIONE SNATCHES A CARD FROM A RANDOM FIRST YEAR STUDENT.

HERMIONE: Look at this card.

CAMERA ZOOMS AT THE CARD AND SHOWS THE AUTHOR IN HIS ROOM SITTING ON THE BED AND STARING BLANKLY AT THE CEILING. HE IS GENTLY SWAYING BACK AND FORTH, DROOL DRIPPING DOWN FROM HIS MOUTH.

LAVENDER: That poor thing!

PARVATI: Yeah. The length some authors will do to insert themselves in a Harry Potter fic.

LAVENDER: Sad, really.

HERMIONE: See that pathetic boy in there? He's real! The twins had been abducting muggles and turning them into cards!

EVERYONE: Muooooooo!

NEVILLE: Muoooo?

SEAMUS: Everyone's tired of gasping.

NEVILLE: Muooooo!

SEAMUS WHACKS NEVILLE ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD. DEAN WHACKS NEVILLE FROM THE FRONT. AT THE SAME TIME.

FRED: Hahaha! So you do know!

GEORGE: You really are clever!

HERMIONE'S THOUGHT: I never get tired of hearing that.

FRED: And would you like to know how we did it?

HERMIONE: No. Not really.

GEORGE: Then we'll tell you! You don't have to beg.

HERMIONE: *sigh*

FRED: It's because of this.

GEORGE SEARCHES THE INSIDES OF HIS ROBE AND TAKES OUT A BOX-SHAPED OBJECT WITH A TURNING HANDLE AT THE SIDE. HE BEGINS TO WIND IT. SOUND OF TIN CANS RATTLING AND SPEEDING UP, FOLLOWED BY AN ALARM CLOCK RINGING AND THEN THE PLUCK OF A GUITAR STRING.

HERMIONE: You used that contraption?

GEORGE: Heavens, no. This is my watch.

FRED TAKES A SMALL GOLDEN ORB FROM HIS POCKET. IT HAS A CARVING OF AN EGYPTIAN EYE ON IT. HORSE HAIRS SEEM TO SURROUND THE EYE.

FRED: Behold, the -

HARRY: Snitch! It's a golden snitch!

HERMIONE AGAIN WHACKS HARRY.

HARRY: Man, you're violent today. I told you I was sorry about last night. I was tired. It's not my fault you were so horn-mmph!

HERMIONE COVERS HARRY'S MOUTH WITH BOTH HER HANDS.

FRED: As I was saying. Behold! The Millennium Eye-lashes! This has the power to take muggles and put them into cards.

GEORGE: It's also a pretty handy mind-reading device but who really cares about that.

FRED: It was while we were vacationing in Egypt…

SCREEN BLURS AND BECOMES BLACK AND WHITE. CAMERA SHOWS FRED AND GEORGE IN EGYPT.

FRED (narrating): It was there that we were met by a bald , mysterious mystic.

CAMERA SHOWS A BALD MAN CALLING FRED AND GEORGE TO HIS EATERY. THERE IS A SIGN BESIDE THE EATERY. IT SAYS: `SPECIALTY: BAT AND BALL SOUP' AND `FREE GIVEAWAYS TO PATRONS.'

FRED (narrating): He informed us that he had been waiting for us, the chosen ones. We were to inherit a great power but must first pass an ordeal that would test our courage.

CAMERA SHOWS FRED AND GEORGE SITTING DOWN AT THE EATERY WITH THE BALD MAN SERVING THEM A BOWL OF SOUP.

FRED (narrating): My brother and I were to each finish ten bowls of bat and ball soup, the renowned soup of the gods.

CAMERA SHOWS FRED AND GEORGE WITH FULL BELLIES.

GEORGE (flashback): That wasn't so bad. In fact, that was delicious!

FRED (flashback): Yes. I didn't know that bat could be served like that. And the meatballs were mouthwatering.

BALD MAN (flashback): Amazing! You're the first Englishmen to ever had ten servings of camel penises and testicles. Well, here's your giveaway.

CAMERA SHOWS FRED AND GEORGE VOMITING. SCREEN BLURS BACK TO PRESENT. COLOR RETURNS.

FRED: And so we acquired this ancient artifact.

GEORGE: Mwahahahahaha!

FRED: We'll convert every muggle on the planet into cards! We'll make a profit!

GEORGE: Chaching!

HERMIONE: Do something Harry.

HARRY: Right.

GEORGE: Hold, Harry. It mustn't be this way. Come and join us.

FRED: Here's a taste of what's to come if you do.

FRED THROWS A PACK OF CARDS TO HARRY. HARRY OPENS THE PACK AND SCANS THE CARDS. ON THE CARDS ARE VARIOUS SCANTILY CLAD MODELS FROM VICTORIA'S SECRET.

HARRY: Muooooo!

GEORGE: And if that's not enough, take this!

GEORGE TOSSES A SIMILAR PACK AT HARRY. SLOW-MO SHOT AS THE PACK OF CARDS TWIST IN THE AIR. A TRADEMARK LOGO OF A BUNNY, THAT WE CAN'T MENTION WHERE WE GOT BECAUSE PLAYBOY MIGHT SUE US, CAN BE SEEN ON THE PACK. HARRY LUNGES TO CATCH IT.

HERMIONE: Don't you dare open that, Harry!

CAMERA SHOWS HARRY SLOWLY OPENING THE PACK, HIS FINGERS TWITCHING AS HE DOES.

HARRY: So…tempting…must…resist…

HERMIONE: Harry!

HARRY: Right!

HARRY STRAIGHTENS UP AND FACES FRED AND GEORGE, A FINGER POINTING AT THEM.

HARRY: I will never succumb to such foolishness. A hero of virtue such as I can never be corrupted by the baseness of ones such as you. Prepare yourselves, knaves, for you will now know the wrath of my justice!

HERMIONE: Oooh! How heroic!

NEVILLE: Isn't that a bit too much?

LAVENDER: Sounds silly, if you ask me.

FRED: Then it's settled. We'll have a card battle!

GEORGE: If you win we'll stop abducting muggles and return the carded ones back.

FRED: And if we win…

GEORGE: …You'll surrender your photo album of Hermione's knickers to us!

HARRY: I'll never give in to your demands!

HERMIONE: Harry!

HARRY: Fine. But I don't have a deck.

GEORGE: Yes you do.

GEORGE POINTS AT THE PACK OF CARDS HARRY HAS IN HIS HANDS: THE VICTORIA SECRET'S AND PLAYBOY DECKS. HARRY GULP.

HARRY: So be it!

FRED: Battle Begin! Engage virtual battle simulator!

FRED AND GEORGE WAVE THEIR WANDS. THE ROOM SHAKES. SOUND OF GIGANTIC COGS TURNING AND CHAINS BEING PULLED CAN BE HEARD. THE WALLS FALL OFF AS THE FLOOR RISES AND A CARD BATTLEFIELD MATERIALIZES, CARE OF KAIBA INDUSTRIES TM.

NEVILLE: Again with the TM. *shakes head*

HARRY: Forgive me, Hermione. I must open the pack.

HERMIONE: It's okay, Harry, I- HEY!!!

CAMERA SHOWS HARRY FRANTICALLY OPENING THE PACK. HE IS NOW DROOLING OVER THE CARDS.

HERMIONE: You didn't have to hurry that much, you pervert!

FRED: Enough incessant babbling! It's your turn!

HARRY DRAMATICALLY SWIPES A CARD FROM HIS DECK AND SLAMS IT ON THE CARD SIMULATOR. A VIRTUAL REPRESENTATION APPEARS ON THE FIELD.

HARRY: I choose `Policewoman Behind the Porn Shop' in attack position and equip her with `Tazer' in addition to `Handcuffs.' My turn is over!

FRED: Hahaha. A strong opening indeed.

GEORGE: You truly are the boy-who-lived.

HERMIONE (voiceover): What's that got to do with it?

FRED: But now, you'll know why we can never be defeated! I summon `Pam And Erson!'

GEORGE: And I summon `Jen James On!'

FRED: Then we cast this: `Polymerization.' This card has the ability to combine two muggles to create a super muggle!

REPRESENTATIONS ON THE BATTLEFIELD BEGIN TO COMBINE.

GEORGE: Behold! The `2-Headed, 4-Boobed Blonde Babe!'

EVERYONE: Muoooooo!

HERMIONE: This is getting ridiculous.

AFTER ONE HOUR.

HARRY: I unleash a `Bra of Constriction' against your `Over-The-Hill Lingerie Model.'

FRED: I tap the `Quack Surgeon' and counter with `Implants From Hell.'

HERMIONE: Absolutely ridiculous.

ANOTHER THREE HOURS.

GEORGE: I cast `Destroy Enchantment' on your curse: `Belts of Chastity,' to free my `Sisters of the Dominatrix.' `Sisters of the Dominatrix!' Attack using bullwhip!

HARRY: I block using `Feverous Peeping Tom.'

REPRESENTATION OF TOM IS HIT BY WHIP.

TOM: Oohh, yeah! Baby! Give me more!

HERMIONE: I'm leaving.

AFTER SIX, GRUELING HOURS OF CARD BATTLING. HARRY HAD DEFEATED FRED AND GEORGE. CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON EACH OF THEM. THEY HAVE GRINS ON THEIR FACES.

FRED: We admit defeat.

GEORGE: Yeah, but it was worth it going through every card we had.

BOYS IN THE CROWD NOD THEIR HEADS.

FRED: Yup. That was one for the ages.

SCENE CUT TO HARRY AND HERMIONE.

HARRY: Well, the world is saved once again. Thanks to my hard work.

HERMIONE HAS HER HANDS ON HER HIPS AND IS LOOKING EXTREMELY ANNOYED.

HARRY: Don't I get a special treat?

HERMIONE WHACKS HIM BEHIND THE HEAD.

HERMIONE: Let's go and help Ginny get Malfoy out.

CHANGE SCENE: Minister's Office

RUFUS: You're saying Draco Malfoy is innocent?

HARRY: That's about it.

RUFUS: But I'm afraid we can't let Malfoy out yet.

HERMIONE: Eh? Why not?

RUFUS: There's a law that says that before a prisoner can be set free, he must undergo a quest.

HARRY: A quest?

RUFUS: Yes. To find the Abominable Snowman.

HERMIONE: That's a stupid law!

RUFUS: I made it.

HERMIONE: That's a wonderful law!

HARRY: So Draco has to find the Abominable Snowman before he can be truly free.

RUFUS NODS HIS HEAD. SCREEN FADES TO BLACK.

CAPTION: Next time on Hogwarts 2021.

CAPTION: The Search for the Abominable Snowman

PLAY SHORT CLIP OF THE NEXT EPISODE.

DRACO, GINNY, RON, AND LUNA IS AT THE TOP OF A SNOWY MOUNTAIN.

DRACO: Let's check the instruments again. How's the wind gauge?

GINNY: Working perfectly.

DRACO: And the barometer?

RON: It's fine.

DRACO: How about the weathercock?

LUNA: It's cold and small.

RON: Uhmm… Luna? Can you get your hand out my trousers?

END CLIP

SCROLL CREDITS

END

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