Promises

Promises

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

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Everyone talks about how easy it is to kill and how hard it is to deal with what happens after. How would Harry deal with it? What would he be thinking, doing and feeling after he kills Voldemort?

This is my take on it.

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Promises

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER.

Warnings: R/Hr in the beginning. Later on it'll be H/Hr.

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Promises, never empty.
Promises that I must keep.
Promises that never fade.

They are the only thing,
I have left.
To drive me.
To hold me.
To keep me,
In this world.

Promises to friends,
Promises to parents.
Promises to myself.

Always kept.
Always painful.
I promise.

Promises, always empty
Promises that I cannot keep.
Promises that fade.

They are the only thing,
I have left.
To drive me.
To hold me.
To keep me,
In this world.

What do I have left?
Who is there?
I am alone.
So alone.
Can I make it?
Can I live?
Can I do it?

Promises that I have made,
I must keep.
Promises that I have made,
I must keep.

What is left,
To keep me in this world?

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“I love him.”

“I know.”

“And you're okay with that.”

“…yes.”

“You're lying. You don't really mean that.”

“…yes.”

“I won't if you ask me not to.”

“I won't do that. I'll be okay with it eventually.”

“Okay.”

That was a month ago. Now, I'm not so sure. I don't know if I'll ever be okay with Ron dating Hermione.

But I keep acting normal.

And it's tiring. I don't know if I can keep this up.

But I made a promise.

To Hermione.

That I will be okay with this.

But for the first time, I think I made a promise that I will not be able to keep.

But I have to.

Because what else do we have but promises?

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Promises

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER.

Warnings: see prologue

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For the past month I've watched them. Watched them laugh together, and fight together. And I've watched them make up together.

I feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

Harry Potter, The Boy who was the third wheel.

Never thought that would happen eh?

And thus far I've kept my promise. Oh, sure, Neville and Ginny and even Malfoy think something's wrong with me. But the two, or one, who this concerns have no clue.

They look at me and see someone who's brooding. Which is normal, because I've been brooding since I discovered I'd have to kill someone. Even if that someone is evil incarnate.

And they assume the brooding is from that. Not from them.

I love Hermione. If you haven't figured that out by now.

And I don't think that's ever going to change.

And I will keep my promise to be okay with this no matter what.

Because if I'm right, it won't matter if I'm happy or not in the near future.

Because I won't be around.

I WILL kill Voldemort.

Even if it costs me my life.

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Promises

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

Warnings: See Prologue

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It's coming.

My time. His time.

The time.

I can feel it.

And I know that I'll have to say goodbye soon.

Will I take my secret to the grave?

Probably.

Malfoy confronted me in the hall today. Told me he wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me. I told him that I was fine. And that he wouldn't have to worry about becoming a death eater. His face turned bright red and he almost slugged me.

He didn't. My friends didn't stop him. No one did.

He only said one thing to me.

“I know. I understand.”

Then he walked away.

Confused? I'm not. I know he does. And it helps, knowing that someone understands.

Ginny and Neville have been dating for a while. Longer than Ron and Hermione. And Draco has to watch them. Every day. I wish I could help him. But I made a promise.

And I have to keep it.

Don't I?

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Promises

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

Warnings: See Prologue

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He's here.

And I'm not ready.

I don't have it anymore.

My mother's protection is gone.

No one knows why.

I do.

It's gone. My love. It's gone.

And I know that I'll die.

But I made a promise. To myself.

I WILL kill Voldemort. No matter WHAT.

And I will keep that promise.

I tell Draco to keep watch over Gryffindor.

Strange, telling a Slytherin to keep watch over the Gryffindors. But there's no one else I trust more, except Ron. And he's inside.

I can't go inside. Because if I do, I won't come out.

He's in the great hall.

Waiting.

I blow open the doors.

I see the end of the battle.

I see my mentor fall.

I am not ready.

But I have promises to keep.

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Promises

Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

Warnings: See Prologue

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There are Death Eaters all around me.

He gestures and they form a circle.

I step into it, small and scared.

I am not ready.

And he knows it.

The battle begins. Curses cast, hexes thrown.

I hold my own.

I stand firm, believing in my power.

But it cannot last.

And it doesn't.

I begin to falter.

A hex slices a line across my cheek, leaving behind a line of blood.

A curse hits my left arm, thrown up as an impromptu shield, rendering it useless.

A stunner flies by my head.

Then I see it. The green light. And I see it hit my shield.

And go through it.

I close my eyes.

Goodbye.

I guess I won't be keeping those promises after all.

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Promises

Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

Warnings: See Prologue

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A flash of white.

Isn't it supposed to be green?

A squawk, then silence.

I open my eyes.

Hedwig.

I watch her breast fall one last time.

Then she's gone.

And I'm alone again.

My head is lowered but I stand.

Slowly, my eyes raise to meet his.

I hear myself speak, but I cannot understand the words.

He laughs. He points his wand at me and speaks the words that spit green light.

It comes at me again.

So slow. I can see it.

And I smile.

Promises to keep.

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Promises

Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

Warnings: See Prologue

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Someone is screaming.

Is it me?

The spell misses.

I can feel the cold as it passes by me.

So slow.

I hear a thud as a body falls behind me.

I hear words,

“I do not miss.”

And I see his sneer.

I know who has fallen this day. The one I had trusted to protect my love.

He is laughing now. I see my chance.

I take it.

So simple.

Two words and it's over. Was it really that easy?

The death eaters stare at the body in shock.

Then the hall erupts.

Screaming, the death eaters clutch their forearms.

As a patch of skin is revealed I see the dark mark brightening. And as it does, it seems to draw the surrounding color into it. I watch as the Death Eaters, each and every one, are called into death.

By killing Voldemort I have robbed children of parents, husbands of wives and wives of husbands.

Fathers and mothers of sons and daughters.

I have murdered hundreds.

Wounded thousands more.

All in the name of good.

The battle is over.

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Promises

Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

Warnings: See Prologue

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The students pour out of the dormitories

I am standing in a circle of the fallen.

I see the face of the man that had fallen.

Draco Malfoy has died this day.

Supporting a mass murderer.

I hear the cries of the children as the spot their mother or father lying on the stone floor.

I hear the cry of Ginny as she finds Draco.

It's the cry I hear every time I see Hermione.

But I had a promise to keep.

And I kept it.

And I did the right thing, didn't I?

Didn't I?

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Promises

Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

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The graduation was a somber one.

Dumbledore was dead.

The school seemed darker than it had been before.

How do you go on when everything you know, everything you love, has been shattered?

What am I supposed to do now?

I'm alive. I wasn't supposed to be alive.

Me and him, it was supposed to be. Or was it me or him?

I can't even remember.

I'll be remembered forever when all I really want is to fade away.

How can the world be so happy when so many people have died?

The deaths of thousands are on my shoulders, because I wasn't fast enough.

Because I killed them. All of them.

I had to. If I hadn't, more would have died.

I don't want this. I don't want to be remembered as a hero when all I am is a murderer.

I can't hear.

I can't see

Voices, accusing, screaming at me.

Faces of people I knew, people I loved, people I hated, but still people.

They can teach you everything about killing, but when the aftermath comes...

Sitting in the common room, I hear the portrait open.

I hear her voice.

“Harry?”

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Promises

Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

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“Everyone's celebrating! They're looking for you!”

Hermione. She's always known where I'd be. Maybe one day, I'll get good enough to fool her.

I don't really feel like celebrating. What's there to celebrate?

“Harry?”

What have I done?

Who am I? What am I?

“Harry, you're scaring me...”

Good.

The couch shifts as she sits down next to me.

“Harry, what's wrong?”

I'm a murderer, that's what's wrong.

“Harry, say something! Anything!”

She's getting hysterical.

Go away.

“No one blames you, you know. Everyone knew it would come down to you and him.”

It wasn't just me and him. It was me and him and all of his supporters, willing or not.

Leave me alone Hermione.

“When you're ready, we're all waiting for you in the Great Hall.”

The couch shifts again as she stands.

I don't think I'll ever be ready.

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Promises

Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

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The halls are empty. Even the ghosts seem to be missing.

I hear noise coming from the Great Hall and follow it to the doors.

Didn't I destroy those?

I blow them open again, and the noise stops.

No one moves as they see me.

See my eyes, red and swollen. See my face, red, puffy and bruised.

They see my mouth, twisted into a smile with no mirth.

This is who I am now.

This is who you've waited for.

A monster, a killer.

Hermione and Ron start clapping and slowly, everyone else returns to motion.

The applause sweeps across the room like a wave.

There are cheers and cries of “Good job Harry! Well done!” and “It's over! Thank you Harry!”

I'm no longer smiling.

“SONORUS.”

Now they'll hear me.

Now they'll hear what I have to say.

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Promises

Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

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The hall falls silent again.

“What are you celebrating exactly? Freedom? Peace?”

Their expressions change from happiness and exuberance to confusion.

“What's there to celebrate!? Your relatives, your friends and your loved ones are DEAD!”

There are choked sobs and gasps. Maybe now they'll understand.

“NO ONE HERE HAS ANY RIGHT TO CELEBRATE WHEN THOUSANDS ARE DEAD AND THOUSANDS MORE ARE INJURED! VOLDEMORT...”

People flinch when I say his name.

“VOLDEMORT IS DEAD! SO ARE ALL HIS DEATH EATERS!”

I hear people start cheering.

“HIS DEATH EATERS! SOMEONE'S FUCKING PARENTS! BROTHERS AND SISTERS! DAUGHTERS AND SONS! HUSBANDS AND WIVES!”

The cheering stops. My chest is heaving and my voice is starting to go.

“THEY'RE ALL DEAD! ALL OF THEM!”

Silence reigns.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO WE HAVE TO CELEBRATE?!”

No one should celebrate death. Not even the death of someone like Riddle.

I walk out of the Great Hall, cloak billowing, slamming the doors closed in my wake.

I can't stay here anymore.

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Promises

Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

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Maybe I shouldn't have done that.

They deserve some happiness after all that's happened.

I have to get out of here.

I can't feel anything other than pain, grief and loss.

I haven't really felt anything since that day.

Since I gave up.

I hear sniffles from the common room.

“Hello?”

The sniffles stop and I see a face framed by red hair turn towards me.

“Harry...”

More sniffles.

“Draco...he's...”

She cries for the love she lost, for the love she has and for the man who sacrificed everything to save her.

Ginny. I'm sorry.

“I'm sorry Gin. I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't good enough.”

She shakes her head and pats the couch.

“You're wrong.”

She shifts over as I sit down.

“You're wrong Harry. And no one blames you for anything. You did what you had to do. You always have, with no questions or complaints.”

It's always what I had to do. It's never what I could have done. What I should have done.

“And now you don't have to do anything else. You can do anything you want.”

Not anything.

“You can even tell Hermione that...”

I shake my head. I can't tell her that.

“You can Harry. I know you can, you just don't want to.”

Ron was my very first friend. The first person to see me and not think “Freak”. I can't break his heart. I won't do that.

“I can't. You don't understand Gin. I can't do that to him. Not after everything he's done for me.”

I see the comprehension dawn on her face.

She understands me and what I'm trying to say and what I can't do.

“I'm leaving.”

She nods.

“I don't know where I'm going, or how long I'm going to be gone.”

Another nod.

“Have you told them?”

Wasn't planning on it.

“No.”

“Then neither will I. I hope you find what you're looking for Harry.”

So do I.

“Bye.”

Goodbye Ginny.

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Promises

Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER

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I'm standing at the front door of Hogwarts.

It's hard to say goodbye to a home you've known for 7 years.

I'm waiting here for something, but I don't know what.

Something tells me to wait, so I am. I've learned to not ignore the voices that whisper things to me.

“HARRY!”

I turn and a blur of brown slams into me.

Hermione.

Figures.

“Harry. What's going on? Where have you been, what are you doing out here?”

I can't do this.

“Harry, speak to me! I talked to Ginny and she said that she talked to you, but that she didn't know where you were and why won't you talk to ME?”

I can't help but smile.

“Yes I know, it's terribly funny. Are you leaving?”

Yes.

“Where will you go? Wait here, I'll go get my stuff, I'm coming with you.”

“No, Hermione.”

“No? Don't be daft. Just wait here.”

“NO, Hermione. You can't come with me.”

She looks hurt.

“I can't stay here anymore. There's just too much...”

She's confused. I've managed to confuse Hermione Granger. Score one for me.

“I don't understand.”

I can't stay here because there's you and Ron and Ginny and Neville and all the other people around me who are happy and content and have everything in the world they could ever want.

“You said you were okay with it.”

I snap my head up. I thought she'd forgotten.

“You said that you'd be okay with it! What changed?”

Everything.

“I'll end it, if it's what you...”

“NO.”

No. I can't let her do that. I can't let Ron lose the best thing in his life. I won't let him lose it to me.

“Harry...Talk to me.”

I can't.

“Goodbye Hermione.”

I love you.

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