Martyr

WHAT??

I'm in the common room, and I'm staring at them. I'm sighing. I know I'm bloody well sighing again, so get used to it for Merlin's sake! But I've a good reason for it. Actually to be quite frank I have two good reasons for it and they're sitting right in front of me…Harry Potter and Hermione Granger. My two best friends, the two most loyal people you'll ever meet in your entire life…and the two biggest lunk-heads I'll ever know. Why you ask? Well even if you didn't ask, even if you're tempted to turn tail and run right now, I'm too frustrated and have no one else to take it f out on so sit you're bloody arse down 'cause it'll be a while… That's right, I said sit!…Better.

Just watch and you'll see… You don't see anything? Well take a good long gander. Go on, they won't notice. They don't notice anything because they're stuck. In what, you say? In the dreaded friendship mode. The, "we're such good friends that we'd do absolutely nothing to ruin it, even though it's obvious we're more than friends but refuse to acknowledge it so the point is moot anyway"…mode.

Wait for it….wait…THERE! Did you see that little peek she just shot over her book to him? And if you wa…LOOK. For the love of Quidditch that was a fast return. The fastest yet. He shot her one too, exactly three point nine seconds later, and neither of them noticed. NEITHER OF THEM NOTICED.

I know. I can't believe it either, and it's so bloody obvious to everyone but themselves.

They're bloody wonkers for each other.

Every time Harry sees Hermione even talking to another bloke he goes round the bend, and not in the traveling sense. He gets this look on his face like he's just lost his dog and there's no other that could ever replace it, and it's always the same thing. "Ron, have I missed something? Is Hermione dating someone?" You know, all nonchalant. As nonchalant as you can be with a dumb-arse look like that on your face. But since I'm their best friend, I've always suffered in silence and tried to nudge them in the right direction as gently as I can. I told him I hadn't seen Hermione snogging anyone lately, but she was gone from the common room an awful lot, wasn't she? I meant the library, but for some reason, Harry turned three shades of green. He's always a mess, that one.

And Hermione, when she asks me the same thing, all tremulous like…"Do you know…I mean…is Harry seeing anyone? I mean…well I thought he'd tell me…" I always try to play Harry up to her. "Well you know, 'Mione. He's a good looking chap." I don't understand why that one doesn't make her swoon and go running to him. I mean didn't I just play him up to her? Completely nutters…

So I'm stuck trying to play psychologist, and doing my damndest to make them see that each is unattached and buttinlove with the other. What else can I possibly do? I mean REALLY?

OH. You think I'M melodramatic? You should see Hermione every time some cute thing with a hot arse and an agenda squiggles over to Harry and bats her overly false lashes at him. She goes positively ape-shit. And the worst thing is that she usually finds some way to get annoyed at me so she can take it out on me. Want an example? Hang on…ARE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE? I didn't think so. SIT DOWN. Look I’m sorry. I'm just going mental what with all this nonsense and I need a filter. I hope you like lint.

So going towards the Great Hall the other day, Harry, Hermione and I are headed toward our usual place at the Gryf table. Hermione had her nose stuck in her Potions book and almost tripped, (a daily occurrence, I assure you). Harry caught her in a flash, right before she nose-dived into Seamus' pile of mashed potatoes. (Which by the way, he'd fashioned into a giant set of breasts…the most realistic pair I've seen since Fred and George smuggled a copy of Banshee Big'Uns into school in our fifth year. Great articles on Quidditch… What??)

ANYWAY…Well there they were, faces, and bodies (I might add) practically melded together as he'd almost fallen on top of her to stop her fall. It's not as if she weighs much, but 'Mione insists on bringing her whole load of schoolbooks everywhere with her, which weighs her down considerably. Back to the story…'Mione's face is as flushed as Snape's toilet, and Harry has his usual dumb-arse, love-struck look on. (Cue the squicky gag noises.) And they just stay that way! Oblivious to everything around them and all of the stares they're getting. Now tell me something, please, just for kicks and shits. If you're so enamored of someone that you completely lose the fact that you're surrounded by five-hundred or so more people, wouldn't you say that it constitutes something more than friendship? Good. We're in agreement. Ok. So here's where the crap hit the quaffle.

We finally sat down after those two started getting whistles and catcalls, and both turned redder than Neville's arse when he'd gotten naked and drunk and been dragged outside to sleep it off in the noonday sun right before summer vaca. (Ok I had something to do with that.)

Anyway, all I said was 'Hermione, should you and Harry ever decide to get married, I'll vow he stays a virgin right 'till the wedding night…No matter what arselicious babe tries to tempt him.' Then I gave him the wink and nudge. It's a guy thing.

Harry ground his teeth so tightly together that I thought he'd break them. And Hermione, well she gave me The Look. The look that makes Harry and I do whatever she wants with no argument. The look of blazing, fiery, "I know where you sleep" death by disembowelment.

I still don't see what the big deal was. I mean it's so obvious that they're hot for each other, and it's so obvious that I was only making a joke in an attempt for them to reveal their true feelings. So what if it came out a little coarser than I'd planned…

So, here it is, two days later, and we're all sitting in the common room. Once again, Harry and Hermione are giving each other sappy looks, but acknowledging nada…and once again, they're furious with me for trying to help. But what's a bloke to do? You can only take so much…

So I guess I'll just go on helping them as long as they need it. I'm sighing again, I know. Merlin knows it might take quite a while as nothing I do seems to make them realize that they were meant for each other, and I try so hard. I know I sound like a martyr, but I do. WHAT??