You're So Far Away From Me

Bachy A

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 4
Published: 14/07/2003
Last Updated: 14/07/2003
Status: in_progress

A not-so-short songfic about Harry and Hermione. Love and tragedy abound!!

Chapters

1. [Default]

1. [Default]

You’re So Far Away From Me

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A/N: The song used for this fic is “Let Go” by the band 12 Stones. I cut out tiny bits of lines here and there because they didn’t make sense (gotta do whatcha gotta do, hehe). This is my first attempt at a songfic, so enjoy!

Oh by the way, the narrator in this fic is Harry – just to clarify. ^_^

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I can still remember it...that day...the breeze coursing through everything that stood in its path, carrying with it the cares and concerns of the world bunched into one all-consuming feeling.

That breeze, that tiny insignificant gusting – it lay upon me like an anvil, crushing me, taking the air out of me with its seemingly infinite massiveness.

I will never forget that day – part of me wants to, wants to erase every sight, every sound of those moments...but the other part won’t let it happen.

For better or worse...I will be forever haunted by the pure anguish that courses through me.

I have faced many dangers, overcome many threats, defeated many evils...but this time, the evil facing me is so much more deadly, so perfect at tearing away at my embittered soul...

...This time, I don’t know what to do...I have paid the ultimate price to a crime whose meaning still escapes me...

And this time, I fear that the life ahead of me will be more than I can possibly bear.

* * * * * * * * *

I feel so alone again;

I know that I need you to help me make it through the night;

And I pray that you believe in me;

You gave me my strength to face another day alone.

* * * * * * * * *

“Harry, why are you looking at me like that?”

For the umpteenth time that evening, I had slipped. I had been staring right at her, so obviously, for so long that I had even begun to stop noticing it.

Not that it was hard, of course. I could have looked at Hermione all night. Even when we were supposed to be studying for our 7th year finals...everything else paled in comparison to her...

Of course, Hermione staunchly stated, as she always had, that she wasn’t even pretty, that she carried nothing in the looks department.

Oh, if she had only known how wrong she was.

She smiled at me, amused by my incessant gaggling at her. That smile, it always made my heart melt.

Blushing profusely (although I would never admit that I blushed, even around Hermione), I turned back to my homework, hoping that I could still function.

Not that Hermione’s looks were everything to me – they made quite the impression, but there was much more than that...

Like the way she knew me, knew everything about me, knew what I was feeling even before I felt it.

She had always been that way – ever since that day when we first met on the Hogwarts Express, I had felt something...something that passed through us, connecting us through our differences to the rest of wizard kind.

She had always been there for me, my best friend – she had even been there for me when my companionship with my other best friend had taken a turn for the worse.

That’s why I loved her. I loved her because...

Wait a minute. I had mentally shaken myself – had I realized what I was saying??

“Of course you do, you dolt,” my brain had said. “You know exactly what you are saying because it is what lies in your heart.”

My gut had guffawed at this. It seemed to know exactly what I was, and what I was truly thinking.

But in that moment, I had ignored my gut. My mind had spoken the truth. It had revealed to me that which I had seemed to know all along.

I was in love with Hermione, my best friend, one third of the trio with which I had based my entire existence.

...I was in love with Hermione...

And before I knew it, I was staring back at her again. Never before had she looked so beautiful, the light shimmering behind her soft brown curls, haloing her in the purest light.

She had, in that very moment, looked like an angel. No, I had been very mistaken...the beauties of the angels had come no where close to her...she was beyond that, beyond it in every way imaginable.

She had peeked one eye up away from her papers, eyeing me with amused suspicion. Something I had failed to notice, once again...

“Harry...”

My head had snapped fully upright instantly.

“Huh? What...?”

She had laughed at this – that laugh, just like her smile, was enough to cause my insides to melt, every single time. With that, she had shaken her head and checked her watch.

“It’s getting kind of late, Harry. Maybe we should go to bed.”

Disappointment had filled me. I was tired, to be sure, but that didn’t seem to matter. Every moment that I wasn’t able to be near her caused me agony, a type of which I was finally beginning to recognize.

But at that moment, I hadn’t known how to communicate those feelings to her – I didn’t even know if I wanted her to know what was inside my heart...That fear, the fear that she didn’t share in my feelings...it kept me from showing her how I truly felt.

I knew that, for the moment, it would have to be that way. No matter how much it tore at me, I couldn’t see another way around that sad fact.

Nodding briskly, I had smiled at her. In that smile lay my true feelings, cleverly masked – with it was my hope that somehow, through the façade that I continued to put up, she would understand.

“Night, Hermione.”

She smiled again, lingering briefly before heading up the stairs that led to the girls’ dormitories.

Some part of me wanted to shout after her, to say that I loved her, that I wanted her more than anything I had ever wanted before.

But I couldn’t...not just now.

Sometimes, we hold back our feelings for fear of how others will react to them. This is exactly what I did with Hermione. I didn’t tell her how I felt, didn’t profess my feelings that were screaming to leave my chest.

But, I had reflected on the way to my own dormitory, I knew I would. I would not back down from this. It was only a matter of time.

That time would soon come – I would make sure of that.

~{:*:}~

Five days later, we had graduated.

It had been a wonderful day. Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall had spoken to our class, along with Head Girl Hermione. Her speech had consisted of something along the line of “living for the present” and “moving towards the future.” I didn’t hear much of it – the entire time, the sight of her transfixed me.

Even in her Hogwarts robes, now complete with a stripped graduator plaid sewn in at the hem, she looked beautiful. He voice was beautiful, her face was beautiful, her eyes were beautiful...every aspect of her struck me with the utmost perfection.

Afterwards, we had all relegated to the Gryffindor Common Room to relish in one last Gryffindor party before we all left Hogwarts forever.

I remembered Ron coming up, all smiles, laughing, hugging me ferociously, and happily yelling that we had, indeed, done it. It was a great time, one that would stick with me forever.

~{:*:}~

After a while, the remaining Gryffindors trickled away to their dormitories – even the seeming inexhaustible Fred and George Weasley had fallen asleep.

For that moment in time, it was just the three of us – the so-called Dream Team.

We sat there, holding our places in time, staring at each other, as a single realization passed through us: this was it. We could never know for sure whether or not we would see each other again.

It hurt to understand that eventual possibility. It hurt to know that, for all the tries we all made, I might never see my two best friends again. It hurt to be faced with that reality...

I knew that I wasn’t the only one who felt the pain inside. A glance at both Ron and Hermione told me that they, indeed, were feeling the exact same thing.

That understanding had passed through us all, simultaneously. We knew what the others were thinking, what they were feeling. In that moment, we had all become one entity, one being able to console anything.

With one last hug, Hermione, Ron, and me holding each other, we decided that it was time to go to bed, and spend our last night as students at Hogwarts.

Ron was the quickest to leave – I think that the pain inside of him was evident on the outside, and he was ashamed to have his best friends see it.

Hermione had started to walk up to her dormitory when I called her back. Questioningly, she had obliged, walking over to stand in front of me. I knew it: this was what I had been waiting for.

~{:*:}~

I was sweating, a cold nervousness sweeping its way through me. I had to tell her, now, at our possible last chance – I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t let her know.

“Hermione,” I had begun, rubbing my hands together fitfully, “since this is...this might be our...last...”

I couldn’t bring myself to speak that truth; but she saved me, and pushed for me to continue.

“Well, I, just, I...well, I...I wanted...to tell you......”

The words had been stammering out of me – I didn’t sound coherent at all.

She had frowned, come up to me and laid a hand on my arm.

“Harry,” she had said in that sweet voice, “tell me. You know you can tell me anything.”

The sound of her soothed me – it brought me back to the reality I knew so well. It helped me say the toughest words I’ve ever had to say in my life.

“Hermione, what I’m trying to say...is that I...I love you...”

She had gasped a little, her eyes growing just barely. A blush had rushed into her face – I took advantage of her silence and spoke again, rambling to get everything out.

“I’ve loved you since that first day on the train. I love how you’ve been there for me whenever I needed you...I love how you’ve shown me friendship beyond anything I could have ever imagined...I love the fact that being around you makes me want to be a better person...”

“I love how I can tell you anything, even when it’s as hard as it is right now.”

“But most of all ‘Mione, I love you more than you could possibly know. In fact, the only thing I don’t love is the fact that I’ve wasted seven years by not telling you.”

“I love you Hermione Granger, and I want you to know that, no matter where we go, I always will.”

She stood there, silent, face showing her evident shock and surprise. I had to catch my breath – that entire diatribe had taken the breath out of me.

But it had been worth it – I knew that, whatever her feelings were, she knew mine. And that meant the world to me.

At the time, though, the nervousness had obliterated all sense of courage that I had left in me.

Then, without any warning, I had received my answer.

It came in the form of her lips upon mine. It happened so suddenly that, for just a moment, my mind couldn’t register what was going on. Finally, I fell back into place, immense happiness washing over my heart.

I pulled her closer, holding her there, making it seem that the two of us were made for each other. For that moment, time stood still.

When we finally parted, I noticed that she had tears running down her face, with a big smile striking deep into me.

She slid her arms around my shoulders, pulling me close to her.

“Harry, oh Harry.......I love you, too, so very much...I never thought that you felt the same way......”

The tears continued to fall, now from both of us. That happiness, that final understanding, brought such emotion to us that we didn’t even try to hold our feelings back any longer.

“Oh Harry, we didn’t waste those years, because now, before the end, we finally know our feelings for each other – the fact that we now know that.....it means that everything brought us to this point...We finally know...

I had smiled at that; it was true – we did know. And that knowledge brought us into tremendous euphoria – as we stood there, relishing in eternity, we took solace in the fact that, now, everything was known between us.

It was the happiest day I had ever experienced.

* * * * * * * * *

I need you now, more than you know;

When will we meet again?

‘Cause I can’t let go of you.

* * * * * * * * *

Our greatest fear had been that we would never see each other again. How wrong we were.

Ron and I, after having left Hogwarts, had become Aurors. The minions of Voldemort had grown in the years following, and we both felt that we had a duty to protect those who had given us so much.

As for Hermione, well, I guess it can only be said that our love for each other had done nothing but grow.

Being an Auror took a lot of my time – but in the time not spent on the job, I spent every single moment possible with her.

~{:*:}~

Only six months after we had graduated, we had gotten married.

Until that moment, my happiest day had been when I had professed my love for Hermione. But, that day, I reached a new level of happiness.

I had chosen Ron as my best man. I had been worried, worried about how he would react to the marriage of his two best friends. But in the end, my worries were laid to rest – Ron told me that day how happy he was, how he was honored to have friends like Hermione and me.

He stood there with me, both of us watching as my beautiful Hermione walked down the isle, arm in arm with her father. I kept my eyes on her the entire time, except for the moment when I snuck one glance at Ron.

He had the biggest smile I had ever seen on his face.

As the preacher spoke his holy sacrament, my eyes never left Hermione’s. And hers never left mine. Our love for one another was constantly streaming between our gazes, striking our souls with emotion so pure that in brought tears to our eyes.

And then it was done. In front of our families and friends, we exchanged “I do’s.” That moment, that particular instant, was the most precious thing I had ever been a part of. I loved her so much, and I was so incredibly happy at the prospect of spending a lifetime proving that to her.

We smiled as we kissed, that one gesture finalizing everything. Neither of us had been happier in our entire lives.

Afterwards, we stayed together, strolling, talking to our guests – but never, not once, did we leave each other’s side.

A new happiest day had arrived in my life, and I was so thankful that it was meant for me.

It was the greatest knowledge to feel that she and I were destined for each other. To know that we were now, and really had always been, twin souls...I cried many times that day, each time thanking the gods that I had been so lucky to be partnered with my beautiful Hermione.

It was bliss, and suddenly, eternity didn’t seem long enough.

* * * * * * * * *

This world brings me down again;

I know that I need you to help me make it through the night;

And I know that you’re the one for me;

You gave me my strength to face another day alone.

* * * * * * * * *

It had been during the evening when it happened. I had been at the Ministry of Magic, going through some paperwork, when the word came in.

Voldemort himself had been seen, near St. Justine. He was truly back.

In that moment, panic struck me, hard. St. Justine was a large area, but it also happened to be the suburb where Hermione and I lived.

I was told to go there, quickly. Another Auror had already been dispatched, and I was to assist him in any way I could.

I remember racing to my broomstick, hopping on, and tearing towards the hollow of St. Justine.

The panic would not leave me – if anything it continued to grow. I feared that, no matter my efforts, I would not arrive in time.

And with that haunting possibility, I feared that the consequences would be more than I could carry.

~{:*:}~

I flew, and flew, and flew...it did not seem to end.

And then I saw it. It. The one thing that, once upon a time, didn’t evoke anything within my soul. But now, fear struck at me with a horrendous ferocity.

The Dark Mark.

Voldemort’s symbol.

I flew closer to the Mark, hoping beyond all hope that...that it...would not be...

As quickly as I had arrived, my hopes were dashed, and a new kind of terror descended into my heart.

It flew directly above our house.

I raced around a group of trees, landing roughly when...when the pain inside of me, if possible, grew to insurmountable heights.

Ron...Ron, the “other Auror...” He was there, lying on the ground, eyes wide open, open as if not ready to accept some horror but, regardless of situation, being forced to.

I had seen someone like that before. In my forth year...I had seen Cedric Diggory, just like that...just after......after Voldemort had...had...

I raced over to Ron’s side, flinging myself onto his cold body, trying to push life back into him.

It was impossible – I had only been fooling myself.

Ron Weasley, my best friend in the entire world, the man who had been there for me since the first day I had met him...was dead...

I cried, and cried – I cried like never before, anguish ripping through my already weakened soul. He was gone...and I was too powerless to bring him back...

I raised my head, slowly, and glanced at the house. There were some noises coming from inside of it...

I raised myself up, barely being able to stand because of the pain running through me.

I looked back at Ron, tears still streaming from my eyes.

“I’m sorry Ron...I failed you...but I won’t fail again...”

With that, I left my best friend lying on the ground – I headed swiftly towards the house.

I had endured much this evening, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle any more.

~{:*:}~

Upon entering the house, I saw everything in disarray. Furniture was thrown about, closets had been flung open, their contents emptied.

I crept slowly, wary of any movement. And then I heard it.

That slow, high-pitched laugh, the one I had heard in my nightmares for so many years. Coming from behind a door.

It froze the blood in my veins. I recognized it, not because I wanted to, but because I was left with no other option.

I dashed forward, towards the door, and flung it open.

What I saw terrified me beyond belief.

~{:*:}~

There he was, standing again, just as alive as the last time I had seen him.

Voldemort.

He straightened up as he heard my entrance. He turned swiftly, smiling as he recognized me with his snake-slit eyes.

I gasped in pain as I saw past his slender frame.

Hermione was there, on the floor, tied to a desk, dried blood matting her clothing. She was still conscious – her eyes were still moving, taking in everything around her – but she was weak.

“Well, well,” drawled Voldemort as he crept closer to me. “Mr. Potter – we meet again.”

I couldn’t speak; the rage and pain that filtered through my entire being would not allow me to speak. He noticed my gaze drift back to my ailing Hermione.

“Yes, yes. Such a pretty little thing. Too bad she had to resist. It would have been a lot easier if she had not.”

He tilted his head at me, eyes seeming to screech with laughter.

“Same with the boy out there. Such a shame that he had to meet that unfortunate end.”

I couldn’t take it anymore – the rage inside me had boiled over the top. Pulling out my wand, I cast the most deadly spell that I knew at my hated enemy.

“AVADA KEDAVRA!!”

I had never before had the need to cast that spell – the Ministry had always preached the ability to capture over the ability to kill. But now, it worked.

A green jet of light burst from the tip of my wand and raced towards Voldemort.

It surprised me when the spell actually hit Voldemort square in the chest. The life seemed to just rush out of him as he hit the floor with a dull thud.

The frozen look on his face was one of surprise, one very similar to the one that...had been left on Ron...

Without a further thought, I dropped my wand and raced towards Hermione. Dropping to my knees, I untied the knots that held her to the desk and held her in my arms.

Her eyes fluttered upwards and, in that instant, she recognized me.

“Harry......?”

Tears fell from my eyes to hear that voice, so full of love, so full of determination, now so weak and frail.

“Shh, don’t worry, love. I’m here now.”

She swallowed, a painful maneuver that caused her to gasp for breath. After that had subsided, she looked back up at me.

“I...I failed Harry...I couldn’t.......I couldn’t stop him...”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My Hermione, my dear Hermione, thought that all this was her fault.

“No...sweetheart, no...you did brilliantly...”

She let a small laugh escape her mouth.

I knew suddenly what the reality was. Hermione was slipping away from me.

“’Mione, baby, please.......please don’t leave me!”

I meant it, meant it with every word. I didn’t know how I could possible continue to live life without her there at my side.

She smiled and slowly brought a hand up to brush the side of my face.

“Harry..........know this...wherever we are, I...will always...lo”

She shuddered slightly – I saw a single tear escape her eye and run down her face. More of mine fell, splashing silently onto her robes. Oh gods, I thought, don’t let her go...

She opened her eyes again, took one long breath in, and spoke.

“I will always...........love........you...”

Her head slumped back slightly as her eyes closed. The breath seemed to leave her in one rush.

She was gone.

I wailed, screaming, crying – I had never filled the air with such anguish before. But now, everything had changed.

My two best friends were dead, murdered at the hands of the monster that I had first defeated when I was only a year old.

My wife...my darling, beautiful, love...my Hermione...had been taken away from me...

I sat there, sobbing into her robes, cradling her body as I rocked back and forth.

My mind could not think – anguish deeper than the blackest chasms in all the world crisscrossed through my heart, and brought fresh pain back to my soul.

She was gone, too...and I had not been able to save her.

* * * * * * * * *

I need you now, more than you know;

When will we meet again?

‘Cause I can’t let go.

* * * * * * * * *

Much time has passed since that horrible day, but the pain that came with it never lessens.

I stand there now, at the former site of our house. I had it demolished not long after...it had happened...I couldn’t bear to live there, in that place where so many memories were...

And yet, my efforts seem futile - no matter how much I want the memories to leave, they will not depart from the hallowed realm of my soul. Both good and bad swirl through me in every waking (and dreaming) moment, forcing me to remember.

Now, only two gravestones stand there, at the site where our house once stood – side by side, they remind me everyday of what I lost:

~RONALD WEASLEY~

{DEAR FRIEND – HERO – HE WILL ALWAYS BE MISSED}

~HERMIONE POTTER~

{LOVING WIFE – SHE, WHO WAS MOST LOYAL OF FRIENDS, WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED}

I hadn’t, at the time, been able to have anything else written on the stones. Maybe it was because there were no words to truly describe the love I had for these two people...maybe there weren’t any words to truly describe the anguish that I continue to feel with every passing moment.

I visit them every day – and every day, I cry in remembrance of the two people I loved most.

“Ron,” I say, “you were the best of friends. You were always there for me, always there to protect me. And in the end...I wasn’t there to protect you. I hope that wherever you are, you forgive me. I wish every day that you were still here.”

“Hermione,” I say, “I think you knew it before...the end, but I’ll say it anyway: I love you more than life itself. I regret every day that I wasn’t able to say ‘I love you’ one more time, that I wasn’t able to hold you, to hear you when you were happy just one more time.”

“I regret every day that I wasn’t quick enough, or strong enough, to save you. I want you to know, wherever you are, that I love you, sweetheart. I will never stop loving you, not until the day I die. I only hope that when that day comes, I will get to be with you again.”

“I love you, my darling...now...and forever...”

I can’t stop the tears any longer. I was always known as the Boy Who Lived, as a hero – I wish those people could see their hero now. I wish they could see that I am human, just like them, and that in the end, I feel the same pains that they feel.

I had defeated Voldemort again, now for all eternity. I had saved the world...but this time, the outcome of that salvation carried with it the worst pain imaginable...and still I don't know how long I will be able to endure it...

I don’t know how I’ve gotten through life thus far, but somehow I have. And yet, not a day goes by where I don’t think of what my life – our lives – could have been like had they not been shattered by fate.

And yet, whether I want it to or not, life goes on, day by day. And every day, I hope that, when my time comes, I will be reunited with Ron and...especially...my eternal love, Hermione.

It is all I can do, to hope that the wounds inside of me may someday be healed. It is my hope that, someday, my existence will once again hold happiness. It is the only thing that continues to push me through life - and yet, every day, some part of me wishes that life would end, and that this realm of torture would release me from its hideous grasp.

It is all I can do, to hope, to pray, that I will see you again, someday.

* * * * * * * * *

No, I can’t let go.

* * * * * * * * *

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A/N: Wow, that’s depressing. This is the first time I’ve felt depressed when reading my own work. Oh well, even though it’s a downer, I hope you enjoyed reading it.

Please review if you have the time!! Thanks, my friends!

Cheers!!

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