The Azakan Hot Tub Tales 2: Curse of the Second Assistant

Curse of the Second Assistant by Miranda Aurelia

Welcome! This is the sequel to ‘The Azkaban Hot Tub Tales’ (Book 1) so if you haven’t read that fic, it may be a bit hard to keep up with this one. As with the last fic, I'm guessing it's going to probably end up more D/G than H/Hr (hence the purple title!), but I'll try my best to include some more H/Hr.

At this point, I really have to thank all my loyal readers for this - originally, I was going to end it with Book 1 but then, I was like “wait a minute! There’s so many other things I can torture…uh, things I can do with these characters!” That and I’m too lazy to start on my more serious fics, hahaha.

Note: this story takes place the morning after the events of Chapter 9 of AHT.

Chapter 1:

Breakfast in the Great Hall at Hogswarts

Ron finally looked up and said rather matter-of-factly, “You know, with all the excitement, I never had the time to properly react to the news of you and Malfoy.”

Then his voice grew almost hysterical, “What the bloody hell were you thinking?!”

Ginny just rolled her eyes.

Draco just pretended to look thoughtful, “You’ve met your nephew already, you know Ginny and I are engaged and now you’re reacting?” He gave a dramatic sigh, “Weasel, my friend, there is a fine line between stupidity and ignorance.” Then he paused for effect, “You’re now ten miles beyond that line.”

“I’m not your friend,” Ron said crossly.

Draco just stared at him, “Don’t tell me that was the only part of my speech that you actually caught.”

When Ron just scowled at him, Draco just shook his head, “I rest my case.”

“What are you doing at our table anyways?!”

“Now Weasley,” Draco wagged a finger at him, “Be nice.”

“No.”

“Ron,” Hermione just shared an slightly exasperated look with Ginny, “I think we’ve all established that Malfoy is going to be part of the One Big Happy Weasley Family™ whether you like it or not.”

“No!” This time the redhead’s eyes actually seemed to budge out in horror at the thought.

“Reduced to single syllables,” Draco made a tsk-tsking sound, “If I had known that you’d be that excited about having me in your family, I would have let Ginny seduce me a long time ago!”

At this, Ginny placed her hands on her hips and glared at her boyfriend. “Excuse me?!”

“Well, I was just saying-”

“Draco Malfoy!” hissed Ginny, a bright red flush on her cheeks now, “You did not just compare me with those….hussies!”

“Hmm,” Harry said to Hermione, “Think she’s going to read him the riot act?”

“No, I want to read the riot act!” yelled Ron.

Draco, Ginny, Harry, Hermione as well as Seamus, Dean and Neville (who were only a few seats over) just stared at him.

“What?” Ron said defensively.

Draco shook his head. “Hopeless.”

“Malfoy, you are such a wanker.”

“Ooh,” Draco said with an evil smile, “Ladies and gentlemen, he’s progressed to full sentences now-OW!”

He rubbed his head and glared at Ginny.

“Will the two of you stop arguing already?!” she hissed.

“But annoying him is so much fun!” whined Draco.

“Get a new hobby!”

“Like what? Spend all my time looking over my shoulder for imminent doom like Potter does?” Draco jerked a finger in Harry’s direction.

Harry just rolled his eyes, “Just because I actually practice constant vigilance doesn’t mean that I’m paranoid.”

“No, you just admitted that you have ADD,” said Draco sarcastically, “Congratulations Potter.”

He ducked just in time to avoid the slice of French toast that Harry had flung at him. “Ooh, very mature.”

“Food fight!” shouted Ron with glee.

“Ahem,” said a familiar voice from behind the redhead. Across from him, Hermione resisted the sudden urge to bang her head against the table.

“P-P-Professor McGonagall!” squeaked Ron, “Did I say food fight? What I meant was Don’t fight! Yup!”

“You’ll do well to remember that, Mr. Weasley,” McGonagall said sternly before she continued on her way down the hall.

“Whew.”

“Hopeless.”

“That’s the second time you’ve said that.”

Draco blinked, “You’re actually counting?”

********************************

Being that it is absolutely essential that Draco be available to needle Ron at every corner, the Slytherins and Gryffindors had History of Magic for first period.

Professor Binns happily babbled away in his trademark monotone voice.

Ron fought to keep his eyes open as he leaned heavily on his propped up arm. Suddenly, his elbow fell off the side of his desk and he hit his head with a loud “bang” on the desk.

“OW!”

Binns looked up from his book with a scowl, “Is there a problem, Mr. Penny-ears?”

“Weasley.”

“What was that, Mr. Weatherbee?”

“Nevermind.” Ron diligently ignored the snickering coming from Draco’s direction as he rubbed his forehead.

Next to him, he thought he heard Hermione muttering something about God under her breathe, which confused him to no end as he had no idea what God had to do with his forehead.

****************************************

About 20 or so years in the future…

“AHHHHHH!” screamed Shawn as he fell with an “oomph” onto the ground.

Seconds later, he was nearly dragged to his feet by an overly concerned best friend. “Shawn! What happened to you?!”

“My head.”

“…could you be more specific?”

Shawn just glared at Benjamin Potter, “Shut up, you.”

“He’s fine,” concluded a female voice to his left.

The blond just turned his glare onto his girlfriend, “I am sooo breaking up with you.”

Nina just rolled her eyes, “Uh huh. I’ll be sure to send you the divorce papers after my lawyer’s done, darling.”

“We’re not married.”

“I was being sarcastic….?”

“I think I liked it much better when I was under the delusion that you were this nice, shy sister of my best friend who had a huge crush on me,” complained Shawn as he jerked his arm out of her grasp.

“Everyone else still thinks I’m nice and shy.”

“Okay, who the hell is your publicist?! I’m going to give them a piece of my mind!”

At this, Nina and Ben just gave each other a long-suffering look. “Why do we put up with him again?” inquired Ben politely.

“Because he’s your best friend since the two of you were in diapers?” suggested Nina.

“No, I meant, why are you dating him again?”

Nina’s eyes sparkled with amusement, “I am?”

“Okay, you have now officially broken my heart,” cut in Shawn, “However, seeing as I’m still disorientated and confused, I will pretend that my girlfriend did not just question our relationship and I will now go back to my room to take a long, long nap.”

“But-but, but you have class!”

“Missing one class won’t kill me.”

“You wanna bet?”

“In light of all that time-travelling I did before breakfast….” A thoughtful expression on Shawn’s face, “No.”

“Time travel?!”

“Where did you go?”

“Oh, to the past. Know what?”

The other two leaned in closer.

“I found out that Voldemort played World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade!” said Shawn in a conspiratory whisper.

“No!”

There was a pause.

“So, did you manage to amass lots of points and let compound interest take its course?”

“Dude!” Shawn stared at his friend for a second, “It’s a freaking online game, not a bank account!”

********************************

Meanwhile, at Voldemort’s underground cave network:

Currently, the Death Eaters were all gathered around in a circle – well, most of them were gathered around in a circle while others such as Lucius were still waiting for their flight agent to give them a better deal on tickets.

In the middle, Lord Voldemort would occasionally bark out orders for random pieces of material to be added to the huge pile in the middle as he consulted his faithful companion: The Idiot’s Guide to Summoning Evil Scary Spirits written by Noob.

“Incendio!”

The Death Eaters watched as the pile lighted up until the flame turned a bright blue color.

“Ahem,” Voldemort cleared his throat, “I now call upon the spirit of Lord Moo-wap, the God of Chaos’ 2^nd assistant!”

“The God of Chaos has a 2^nd assistant?” Nott asked Lucius with a confused expression.

Lucius shrugged, “They must have had a booming economy back then.”

When the other man merely looked even more confused, Lucius explained patiently, “Unemployment rates were probably down, which means most people were doing useless jobs such as being a 2^nd assistant to a God of Chaos.”

“Oh.”

“Silence!” roared Voldemort and then he bent over coughing from the smoke from the fire.

At this moment, the smoke detectors activated and the Death Eaters soon found themselves drenched in water – well, except for Lucius, Earl and a couple of others that were quick enough to activate water-repellant charms.

“I always wanted wondered if those things worked,” mused Lucius out loud as he looked up at the smoke detectors.

“Get your priorities straight, Lucius!” snapped Earl.

“I should,” agreed Lucius and he went back to arguing with his flight agent about ticket prices.

*******************************************

Comments of any kind are appreciated.

P.S. Does anybody have livejournal?

Curse of the Second Assistant by Miranda Aurelia

I'm almost done Chapter 3 of my Book Club fic, but as I've always said, Azkaban Hot Tubs is my baby, so I have to post something for it! Plus, screwing up Voldie's spells is so fun.

Chapter 2

In the History of Magic Classroom:

Ron had given up any pretense of being awake and was now snoring away with his head tucked in his arms.

Harry and Draco were passing notes while Hermione was diligently jotting down every single word being said by Binns.

“In 1546, the Goblins had focused their attentions on the outskirts of the city and it was then they planned a full-scale turkey launch-”

Hermione blinked for a second as she re-read what she had written. Turkey launch indeed! She scratched that out with vigorously, determined not to doze off again.

At that moment, a sharp knock was heard at the door.

Professor Binns looked up with annoyance as a seventh-year Hufflepuff prefect stuck his head into the classroom. “What is it this time?”

“Sir, Professor Dumbledore wants to see Potter, Granger, Weasley and Malfoy in his office,” said the prefect in an apologetic tone.

****************

“I knew it!” moaned Draco, “I told myself that the day I get called to see the old fool the same time as you, my reputation would be beyond repair!”

“Hey!” Hermione put her hands on her hips, “Don’t call him that!”

“I’m sure he’s been called worse,” Draco shrugged carelessly.

They then proceeded to spend another ten minutes guessing the password as the gargoyle taunted them and Hermione almost had to stun Draco when the latter decided to strangle said gargoyle.

“Ah, there you are,” Dumbledore said in a jovial tone as Ron and Harry came into view, followed by a scowling Hermione and Draco.

From her place in front of Dumbledore’s desk, Ginny gave them a small wave.

“Ginny?” Ron looked confused, “What are you doing here?”

“I have no idea, but since Draco’s here and everyone has the delusional idea that Harry and I are destined to be together…so here I am.”

Draco glared at Harry until Hermione rapped him in the back of the head again.

“OW!” Draco snarled, “Potter, control your woman!”

“And two hundred years of women’s lib has just been thrown out of the window,” noted Harry as Draco ducked his head to avoid Hermione’s palm, “Malfoy, you never fail to astound me.”

“Puh-leeze,” Draco smirked, “It doesn’t take much to astound you.”

“Draco,” hissed Ginny, “Zip it!”

“Now Gin-Gin, as much as you lust after my luscious bod, let’s wait until we have more privacy, hmm?”

“Ladies and Gentlemen……SHUT UP!”

Everyone stared at Ron in shock.

“Thank you Mr. Weasley.” Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eye, “Everybody, please take a seat. I called the five of you here for a reason,” began the Headmaster, “Recently, some sources of mine had received word concerning a new prophecy, which is what I would like to discuss with you today.”

“If it doesn’t include money, count me out of it,” Draco muttered under his breath before Ginny’s elbow came into contact with his side.

Dumbledore adjusted his spectacles and read out from a long scroll:

<>

<>

One Ring to rule them all,
One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all
And in the Darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor
Where the Shadows lie.

<>

<>“Uh…” Ron looked a bit confused, “So we’re looking for rings in a place called Mordor?”

“Wouldn’t it be better to look in Diagon Alley?’ Ginny voiced her question.

However, Harry and Hermione seemed to have other concerns.

“I thought Frodo took care of that already?!” Harry asked Hermione with his voice bordering on hysterics, “Even facing Voldemort’s easier than going to Mordor!”

“Calm down, Harry,” Hermione wrapped her arms around him, “There, there,” she said soothingly, “There’s probably been a mistake…although I’m sure the orcs aren’t that bad.”

If anything, that just seemed to make Harry go even paler.

Draco, Ron and Ginny just looked at them with what could be termed extreme confusion.

“Okay….” Draco took care the stretch out the word before assuming a thoughtful expression, “Is it just me or do Potter and Granger seem to know an awful lot about the prophecy?”

Harry ignored this as he turned back to Dumbledore, “With all due respect sir, I cannot deny Frodo his journey. Therefore, I would ask that you find him to carry out this crazy suicidal mission to destroy the one ring. That and Gollum scares the shit out of me.”

Dumbledore blinked, “Gollum?”

He looked at the scroll again, “Opps, wrong prophecy.”

Harry and Hermione let out a collective sigh of relief as Dumbledore began searching through the pile of scrolls on his desk.

“Aha! This is the one I was going to tell you about.” He unrolled the scroll and read out loud:

When evil rises once more,

The four heirs must unite as one

And set on a journey of danger and lore

Through the land of the endless sun,

Pass the caves of despair

And over the mountains there

When the moon is full,

Only then will the ring resist its pull.

“That’s the prophecy?!” Draco asked incredulously before he snorted in contempt “Well, whoever wrote that was a bloody awful poet.”*

“So you’d feel better getting doomed by a better sounding prophecy?”

“Uh….yeah?”

Hermione hissed and gestured madly, “What kind of logic is that?!”

“Whatever it is, it’s far superior to Potter’s.”

“Oi!” Harry threw Draco a glare, “Can you stop putting me down already?”

“You already have an entire set of books named after you, boy-o, you can stand a few put-downs from lowly old me.”

“Hey, Harry’s at least two months older than you!” Ron interrupted, “So you can stop calling him boy-o already.”

Draco just shrugged, “I was going for the condescending tone.” He paused, “Is it working?”

“Shut up, Malfoy.”

“Oh yeah,” gloated Draco, “I’ve still got it.”

“The power to create murderous urges in everyone within ten feet of you?” Harry shrugged, “Well, whatever helps you sleep at night.”

“Actually, it’s a nice, warm glass of milk, but thanks for your concern.”

“He was not concerned,” injected Ron.

“The lady doth protest too much,” snickered Draco.

“Did you just call me a girl?!” roared Ron.

“And if I did?” Draco had an evil gleam in his eyes.

“You, you-AH!” Ron yelled out in frustration before he turned to Harry, “Can I kill him now?”

Harry blinked, “Why are you asking me for permission?”

“Good point,” and Ron proceeded to launch himself at Draco when he was interrupted by the Headmaster clearing his throat.

“Mr. Weasley, I would appreciate it if you kept the bloodshed to a minimum – after all, bloodstains are so very hard to remove these days.”

At that pronouncement, Harry and Draco exchanged a wary look.

“I knew McGonagall wasn’t joking about that bloody axe murderer!” thought Harry darkly.

“-That last part was a joke, of course,” chuckled Dumbledore.

“Damn!” thought Harry and Draco simultaneously, “So much for that theory.”

***********

At Death Eater Central’s Underground cave network

Currently, Lucius, having browbeaten his flight agent into giving him his tickets half-price was now in the process of browbeating the hotel manager that owed him a favor.

During this, most of the other Death Eaters were once again gathered around in the huge cavern as Voldemort read from his recipe book once more.

Suddenly, a fight broke out between Goyle and another Death Eater. Just as the pile in the middle lit up again, Goyle managed to knock the other Death Eater’s stylish but affordable wig off into said fire.

Of course, Voldemort proceeded to ignore all this and he continued the incantation: “I call upon Lord Moo-wap, the God of-hack, hack, hack!” He began coughing as thick clouds of black smoke began rising from the flames.

Apparently, wigs and dark magic did not go together.

Soon, the cavern was filled with smoke and the Death Eaters raced through the cave network towards the entrance….well, at least they would have had they been more coordinated.

“We’re all going to dieeeeeeeeeee!” screeched one Death Eater as he raced around flapping his arms.

The thickening smoke made it hard to see and as the Death Eaters scrambled towards the tunnels for some fresher air, one of them decided that it was time to show some initiative – by blasting a hole into the ceiling.

“AHHH!!”

If anything, the chaos only increased with the falling rocks. However, the improvised ventilation shaft also allowed a way for the smoke to escape and a well-directed charm from Earl put the fire out.

“I always thought this place could do with a skylight.”

“Duly noted- Hey, where did everybody go?”

“To get some air.”

“I guess they didn’t notice the portable oxygen chambers which could be activated by a secret password only known to us.”

Lucius shook his head, “I know. The utter stupidity of all non-Malfoys astonishes me too.”

Beside him, Earl just nodded knowingly.

*************

* I couldn't resist the reference to my favorite vampire.

[insert usual request for 10,000+ reviews which the author knows is highly unrealistic and that she should be pleased to get more than one].