I Won't Say It

I Won’t Say It

If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!

Lily threw herself onto her four poster bed and buried her head into the maroon cushions. Groaning, the redhead pounded her fists into the soft bed, screaming into the pillow frustrated.

Lily Evans was Head Girl at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She was the bookish type yet not quiet, she was the one who got her opinions across but did not ever have to result to shouting. She was the best at everything, that is, until James Potter was around her; she lost all her self control and James would seem to drag out all her bad points like drawing the poison from a wound.

The door of her dormitory opened and in entered her two best friends - Emmeline Vance and Hestia Jones. Emmeline had wispy blonde hair and Hestia a short crop of black locks, both wore a face etched with a pitying expression. Lily felt the bed sag with the two girls weight.

‘Look, I didn’t know he wasn’t the cause of that.’ moaned Lily, her mouth buried in the pillow fabric, making her sound as though she had been gagged.

‘We know, Lil, but really you are a bit quick to blame the poor guy aren’t you?’ responded Emmeline, her voice soft and frail - she was always sticking up for James, Lily supposed it had something to do with the fact she was dating Remus Lupin and would hear nothing bad about her boyfriend’s friend.

Sighing Lily sat up, leaning her torso against her head board, ‘Well, Hest, if you’d had as many dealings with James Potter as I had you would start to think everything that went wrong was him.’

‘Lily, stopping dodging the blame ‘kay? Yes, you are right to be suspicious of James, but did you ever think of asking him or even reprimanding him in private rather than blowing up at him in front of the entire Great Hall and then finding out it actually wasn’t him that charmed your hair.’

Lily didn’t answer.

‘Not to mention that James has grown up so much lately Lily…’

The redhead pulled a face, ‘I’ve got terrible judgement, haven’t I?’ She didn’t need an answer.

Kicking off her shoes Lily blew a stray red tendril off of her face.

‘Well,’ began Hestia, who had now risen from Lily’s bed and was brushing her hair in front of the dresser, ‘you know why he acts the way he does, don’t you?’

Lily rolled her eyes but blushed slightly and Emmeline winked at her friend. Hestia wolf whistled loudly and caused Lily’s cheeks to turn even further red.

‘But seriously, Lil, he really likes you.’

‘I know.’

‘Well, why don’t you just flirt a bit back and he might ask you out again…’

‘What do you mean might he asks me out every single day without fail. Some would call it obsessive.’

Hestia and Emmeline laughed. But both could tell Lily was avoiding the issue - James loved her and she refused to let him close.

‘So, that’s settled, next time he asks you accept!’ exclaimed Emmeline.

Lily spluttered, ‘I don’t think so, Emme.’

‘Why not?’ asked Hestia, who was now lolling over her own bed, her head hanging off the edge of the mattress so that her vision of her two friends was upside down.

‘You know why…I’ve been there before. Men hurt you and I’m not ready to make the mistake of giving my heart out to another one, yet.’

Hestia sighed, yes, true, Lily’s heart had been hurt badly last time she let a man in and the poor redhead was still licking her wounds but Hestia was a firm believer in the saying ‘after you fall of the horse you get back on’. And the raven haired girl was determined to make Lily love and trust another man again.

Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'?

He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of

‘Oh, don’t pull that one on us, Lil.’ said Hestia, ‘it has been a year and a half since Amos…you need to move on.’

Lily scowled at her friends and said nothing but picked up her Charms book, though was only pretending to read, in hope that it would silence both Hestia and Emmeline. It failed.

Hestia walked over to Lily’s bed and draped herself over it. ‘C’mon, Lil, James means more to you than you let on.’

No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no

‘No, he doesn’t.’

‘Yeah, whatever you say.’ chipped in Emmeline sarcastically.

‘Anyone ever tell you that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Vance?’ asked Lily rhetorically. Her friends irked her sometimes - why couldn’t they accept that she actually didn’t like James. Much.

‘Stop trying to fool us, Girl, he’s more to you than an enemy and you know it, Ms Evans.’

Lily began to feel slightly hot beneath the collar. She turned her face away from her friends and busied her self with untying her shoe laces. While removing her black heeled shoes she could hear Emmeline and Hestia singing some sort of chant which went - ‘Who loves James? Lily loves James! Who loves James? Lily loves James!’

Finally she lost her cool and found herself lobbing her shoes at the two teenage girls who were, at that moment, doing some sort of tribal dance.

‘Just quit it, OK?’ yelled the redhead, though no anger tainted her words, ‘I don’t love him!’

Emmeline smirked. ‘Oh stop trying to cover it up, Lils, it obvious you like him!’

You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh

‘Yeah,’ chirped Hestia, falling onto Emmeline’s bed bodily, her cheeks stained rosy red from her dancing, ‘we can see straight through your ‘I-so-hate-James-Potter-but-not-really-I-only -pretend-to-despise-him-to-hide-my-true-feelings-for-the-hott-young-chaser’ act.’

‘Ugh! When will you guys just give up?’ Moaned Lily who was now on her feet and walking towards her trunk.

‘When you admit you love James and say you’ll go out with him.’

Lily arranged her face so she looked like she was struggling to think of something, ‘So, basically, never?’

Hestia groaned loudly, ‘Lily, dearest’ she sad, her voice filled with fake patience, ‘stop trying to mask your feelings we know it’s him your mind always wonders off to in class.’

Lily blushed, well, it wasn’t always James she thought of…only sometimes. Well, most of the time. Unlocking her large trunk, Lily took out a large fluffy towel and stalked across the dorm, sticking her tongue out at her friends as she passed them. She was just about to enter the bathroom when she heard Emmeline screech: ‘Go on Lily, say it; say you love James Potter!’

‘Never will you hear those words from my mouth!’ yelled Lily as she shut the bathroom door with a slam.

It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love

Setting down her towel on the railings she turned on the taps and watched as hot water cascaded into the bath, filling the tub with large, white foamy bubbles.

No, they were wrong; she didn’t love James. Hell, she didn’t even like the cocky git! He was brash, over baring, annoying, lazy, conceited, arrogant, foolish, handsome, well built, funny, confident…Lily mentally slapped herself and occupied her self with pulling off her school uniform.

Stupid Hestia and Emmeline, putting thoughts into my head, thought the redhead. Yes, she would blame her friends for making her think those things about James Harold Potter. After all, everyone knew the Lily Potter and - whoa - Lily Evans and James Potter were meant for nothing other than enemies to each other. Yes, stupid friends.

Stepping out the bath, Lily pulled on her dressing gown and exited the bathroom, hoping both Hestia and Emmeline would leave her alone about James. James - flipping - Potter, it was a miracle; that man could annoy her even when he wasn’t around!

When Lily had re-entered the dormitory she found Emmeline lounging across the floor, transfiguration books and notes sprawled around her and Hestia was singing tunelessly to a new Hob Goblins’ track while lying on her stomach on her bed. Pulling on her pyjamas Lily picked up her brush from the dresser, plonked herself on the bed and began running the teeth of her comb through her long cherry coloured mane.

‘So, Lily, dear, have you thought anymore about a certain Marauder?’ asked Hestia, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

Lily scowled but didn’t answer - yes, she had been thinking about James, but, she wasn’t about to let them know that. No sir-ee.

‘Don’t pretend that you don’t think about him, Ms Evans.’ chimed in Emmeline, her head hidden by her transfiguration book.

‘Uh-huh, we hear those soft, longing sighs, full of our love for Mr Potter.’ teased Hestia, twiddling her black hair around her finger, attempting to look innocent.

Lily pinched the bridge of her nose with her hands, and looked as though she was begging Merlin to give her patience.

‘Look don’t you think it’s slightly cliché…I mean worst enemies suddenly becoming lovers -’

‘So you admit it!’ squeaked Hestia triumphantly, ’if it weren’t for peer pressure you would be glad to call him your…lover!’

‘No, but I have been thinking about it -’

‘So you do think about the prospect of you dating James, then!’

Lily shot a sarcastic type of glance in Emmeline’s direction the continued to say; ‘Well, I could hardly not think about it could I?’

‘Why? ’Cause the thought of him caressing you is too tempting?’ quipped Hestia.

‘No! Because you to bang on about him all the time! Are you being paid by his bimbo fan club to promote the pros of James Potter?’

‘Nope!’ grinned Emmeline from her position on the floor, ‘we’re just trying to get you to admit you lo-’

‘I wont say it! I won’t say I’m in love!’

Resting her head on her pillows, Lily allowed her thoughts to buzz around her head. Her friends seemed to have submersed themselves in their own activities as all had fallen silent.

Lily thought that she had learned her lesson - men use you and abuse you. End of it. You’re nothing more than an object to most of them. Fair enough, ones like Remus Lupin did exist; they were charming, eloquent, well mannered and knew how to treat a woman properly. But none of these seemed interested in Lily Evans.

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out

Yeah, sure things had started out good with Lily’s previous relationships but they had all ended in tears and heart brake. Not once had a man truly touched Lily’s soul and not left it in tatters. She had given each of them her all and in return she got nothing. Nothing…well, except pain.

Lily could consider dating James. In fact she did consider it. A lot, in fact. To be honest it was always there, creeping, niggling at the back of her mind. Her fantasies of what would happen on their first date and then her head would slice right through her day dreams and bring her back into reality. And the reality of it was that if she were to involve herself with James he would hurt her.

No, it was better to not let others know how you’re feeling. It was better to play your cards close to your chest, if no one enters your heart no one could brake it. Of course Lily have permitted both Hestia and Emmeline into her heart, she trusted them completely, knowing that their love for her would never be taken away.

And yet, Emmeline had let Remus in had she not? And she wasn’t currently nursing a broken heart, but there was still time for him to hurt her. Still time for her to feel the pain of rejection. But then, what about her parents? They were still together and in love after twenty three years…

The many contradictions swam around in Lily’s head confusing her further. A scratch on the window pane caused al three girls to jump. Staring at the window, three pairs of eyes found themselves gazing at a large black owl with glossy black feathers. Smiling, Hestia winked at Lily pointedly.

‘It’s for you.’ she stated plainly.

‘What? Why is it up to me to haul myself all the way over there?’ asked Lily, annoyed, after all surely it wasn’t up to her, who was farthest from the window, to help the damn bird.

Hestia smirked, ‘that’s James’ owl and it’s hardly going to be a letter for one of us two now is it?’ She raised her eyebrows three times in quick succession - all the time the mocking glint shining through her eyes.

Lily gave a strangled sort of screech, much resembling the noise the owl was currently making. Kicking her legs off of her bed she stormed over to the window and help the owl in. It was jet black and around it’s foot was a little silver name band, which upon it was engraved; Giglio.

‘What an odd name…’ murmured the redhead.

Hestia smiled knowingly, ‘It’s Lily, in Italian.’

Lily made an impatient little noise but could not hide her feeling of pleasure that James had named his beloved owl after her…and he had not named it in English so he could not announce to everyone that he had named his owl after her every time he called for it. A glow of happiness ignited within her.

Opening the letter Lily observed his neat handwriting on the yellowish parchment.

Lily or Evans…whatever.

It doesn’t really matter who I address it to does it? I know you will read it anyway and that’s good enough for me, unless of course you are still in such a temper with me that you have lobbed this directly in the bin, in which case my heartfelt words will be wasted on a wicker work basket.

She smiled, a slight tear swimming at the bottom of her eye…thank goodness she had her back to Hestia and Emmeline - they would be impossible if they saw her welling up and, truth be told, she had no idea why these few words had affected her so very badly. Maybe it was because he wrote with such lost hope…

I really didn’t do the prank…I have been trying to grow up. Trying to become mature for you, trying to be what you want because, Merlin knows, I need you, Lily, desperately I need you. I always have I think. You are the other side of my Galleon and I cannot have a rich life with only half a galleon, now can I?

She laughed slightly. This time forgetting her friends will have been observing every reaction she had to James’ words.

Anyway, Lily, I am writing this to apologise for all the annoyance I have caused you over the years and I am saying to you, and you have the proof in black and white, today I am to begin to grow up. And now I have one final thing to say - wait for me to become your perfection.

Now, you can reply with Giglio (Which, as Hestia has no doubt informed you, translates as ‘Lily’) or you can ignore me and allow the bin to keep these words forever.

Night, Lily x x x

Lily sighed and wiped the one tear, which had been making its way down her cheek, away on the back of her hand. Composing herself she turned to find her two friends sitting on the same bed, gazing at her.

‘What did it say?’ gasped Emmeline excitedly, her eyes filled with anticipation.

‘Nothing, nothing just an apology.’

You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling

‘Yeah right.’ scoffed Hestia, ‘we saw the way you were reacting to that letter, Honey.’

‘Wha?’ said Lily out of surprise, ‘how - I had my back turned.’

Emmeline cough and pointed at something beyond the redhead, Lily turned and found herself staring at her own reflection - they had seen her in the mirror. She cringed and felt the burn of embarrassment across her cheeks.

Lily looked down at the letter in her hands and placed it on her desk.

‘Are you going to reply?’

‘Yes.’ she answered defiantly, ‘I may not like the git but I am not rude, of course he deserves a reply.’

‘You don’t like him, Lil?’

‘Well…OK, I like him - as a friend type person’ she hastened to add, ‘but I don’t love him’

Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up?
That ya got, got, got it bad

Her friends snorted but she ignored them and sat at her little pine dresser. Opening the draw she pulled out a sheave of parchment and then took out her pot of emerald coloured ink. Dipping the nib of her quill into the ink she wrote;

James,

Lily would have been fine to start the letter off with…I have been thinking a lot about the incident…I hardly couldn’t with Hestia and Emme in the room, could I? And I admit, I was far to hasty and harsh on you, though you can see why I’d blame you as over the year you have been quite a pan in the arse - but, that didn’t sound like much of an apology, let me try again.

I am sorry. Sorry for ever doubting you when you said it wasn’t you, I have never known you to lie to me and I shouldn’t have expected you start now.

As for your change - don’t make it anything drastic. Meet me tomorrow at the Room of Requirement after classes, I think we should talk for a bit. It occurred to me I don’t actually know the first thing about you - well, the real you.

Lily x x x

Smiling at her letter she tied it to Giglio and sent the pretty bird into the night sky.

‘So, did you tell him you loved him, eh?’

Lily turned, ‘I don’t love him!’ she replied in a whiney voice.

No chance, now way
I won't say it, no, no

‘Lily, darling, I think you need to wise up; you have very strong feelings for our resident Potter.’

Lily merely contented herself with shaking her head at her friends and collapsed on to her bed again. She was wise to it, wasn’t she? She knew how she felt. And yet…her friends words were annoying her more than necessary, was it because they knew more about how she was feeling than she did?

‘Does everyone think I’m in love with Potter?’

Hestia stared at her friend for a second, ‘No. Not really, they suspect you have a fondness for him, a kind of soft spot, and they think - and this is even the jealous fan club - that you two would make an amazing couple.’

‘Why? I mean, why do they think we’d be such a good couple? We hate each other.’

Emmeline gave her a sharp look at the word ‘hate’ but said nothing.

‘C’mon Lils, both of you gorgeous people, Head boy and Girl, in the classes you struggle with James aces and in the classes James struggles with you ace; together you’d be like an unstoppable force.’

Lily smiled tenderly.

Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love

‘You’ve got it real bad for James, and you know it, Lils.’

‘No, I do not ‘have it bad’ for James Potter.’ she protested, but her blushing cheeks were giving her away.

‘Lily, just admit it. Admit it and we’ll leave you alone about it.’

The redhead scoffed. ‘If I admitted it - which I am not saying I am going to as it isn’t true - if I hypothetically admitted it you would then hassle me until the day I did something about it. And then you would tease me mercilessly. Hypothetically, of course.’

‘Eh, you know us too well.’

‘Exactly.’

Emmeline and Hestia opened their mouths in unison but before any words could tumble from their lips Lily said ‘I’m not going to say it! No way.’

Giglio tapped Lily’s window with her beak and before Hestia or Emmeline had the chance to stop her Lily had bound over to the window and grabbed the reply before either of the other two could find out before her what James had said.

This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love

Lily,

I’m so glad my letter found it’s way to your eyes and I will be more than willing to meet with you!

James x x x

It was short and sweet but it made a bubble of pleasure swell within the confines of her chest. So, maybe she did like James…a lot but that was it. Not love. No way.

‘Lily, what’d it say, huh?’

‘None of your business…it was nothing important.’

You're doin flips read our lips
You're in love

‘Aw, look at that grin,’ cooed Emmeline to Hestia, ‘Our baby Lily-Billy is in Love.’

‘Ugh, for crying out loud, I am not in love, Emme.’

Emmeline pulled her wispy hair up in to a ponytail and began packing up her homework thing - she would finish this off tomorrow - it was getting late and her bed seemed to be beckoning her. ‘Sure, sure…what ever you say Mrs Potter - er, I mean, Lils. Whatever you say.’

You're way off base
I won't say it

Lily growled. Hestia shook her head at her friend. ‘Lily, you’ve been reeling ever since you got that letter from James.’ her tone was slightly teacher-ish as though she was telling Lily that the motion swish and flick was what made the levitation spell work.

Lily felt it childish to disagree it was true that yes, she had been very happy since reading her letter from James but she wasn’t about to let them know that - she had to play things close to the chest. If she didn’t bare her feelings and her plans so openly she would not get injured like before.

Emmeline crawled beneath her covers and turned so her head could be seen, poking out of the end of her crimson duvet and she was facing her two friends, one of which, Hestia, was pulling off her odd socks and throwing them under her bed, obviously hoping the house elves would find them eventually. While Lily sat at the edge of her bed, humming quietly to herself.

‘Lily, are we really that wrong?’ asked Emmeline quietly.

Lily looked up at her, surveying her with her large emerald eyes, ‘You’re way off base, Emme, I couldn’t love again.’

Hestia suddenly stood and crossed the floor so she was facing Lily. Her hands were suddenly clasped around the redheads shoulders and shook her three times, not too hard yet not with the most delicacy.

‘Lillian Evans! Wake up! I loved James two years ago and I mean really loved him but we broke up because of you -’

Get off my case
I won't say it

‘What! I never asked for that!’ screeched Lily.

‘Well, not because of you but for you, James loved you so much that there was not enough room in his heart for me, he couldn’t even pretend to enjoy my company anymore, so we split and now two years later that man is begging you to return his feelings and all you can do is be afraid of what will happen if something goes wrong!

‘Cause I’ll tell you something now, Lils, you can’t look at life always thinking that if you do something it’ll go wrong. I mean yes I know your bad history in your love life makes you wary of men like James but for Merlin’s sake you have to just go for it.’

‘It’s not just I’m afraid of history…’ said Lily quietly, not daring to look Emmeline nor Hestia in the eyes.

‘You’re afraid of your dignity and squeaky clean reputation being tarnished.’ said Emmeline, who had slipped out of bed and was now kneeling beside the two friends.

‘…and you’re petrified of letting someone in your heart.’

A tear slipped from Lily’s eye and she nuzzled her head into Hestia’s neck.

‘It’s OK, Lily, just learn to be a bit more trusting..’

The three girls all slinked beneath their bed clothes and both Hestia and Emmeline blew out their bedside candles. ‘Night.’ murmured Lily.

‘Night, Lils.’ replied Hestia.

‘See ya in the morning Lily-Billy.’

Leaning over her bed Lily blew out the flame on her candle so the room was all in darkness apart from the shaft of moonlight falling through the slit in the curtain.

‘Lily?’ came Emmeline voice from beneath her quilt.

Girl, don't be proud
It's okay you're in love

‘Mmm?’ replied Lily.

‘Don’t be so stubborn, it alright to feel what you feel for him. . .’

Lily didn’t reply and, by the way Emmeline stuck her head beneath her pillow, it seem she wasn’t expected too. However, as Lily turned on her side she felt her feature mould into a peaceful, serene smile. Yes, Emmeline and Hestia had been right, but she wouldn’t admit it, not to them anyway.

At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love

Author’s Note: It’s an oldy. Heh.

Wrote this in early ‘05. Woah. A while back.

So, yeah the writing isn’t that great but, whatever, I think it’s cute. But, I’m bias. ;]]

Reviews make me smile =]]

x