Where I Stood

Authors Notes: I just had a sudden desire to write something filled with angst and this is the result!!! I hope you enjoy and it I stuffed up, I apologise, but I’m falling asleep. I just had to get this out of my system!!!

The lines at the start and the title come from a Missy Higgins song- ‘Where I Stood’.

Where I Stood

Cause she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

It was the night that the war ended that I first saw you with her. The entire world was celebrating and toasting to you. You’d been invited to 100 feasts and parties, but you chose to come home to us, the only family you’d ever known. Mum put on a massive spread and all the survivors gathered, happy but sad. Happy the war was over, but said that so many had died.

I was standing by the punchbowl. I remember it so well. I even remember the dress that I was wearing. Black and white with plenty of lace. Mum had kept it hidden away since the start of the war, in the hope that I would be able to wear it in celebration.

I hadn’t seen you in so long. You had left, with Ron and Hermione, as soon as Bill’s wedding was finished. Mum had heard from Ron, but no one else had had contact with you. I was scared to see you, afraid of what I might see. I remember the last day we were fully together. Dumbledore’s funeral. You had the weight of the world on your shoulders. You broke up with me to do the right thing. You didn’t want me to be hurt.

The crowd parted and for the first time I saw you across the room. You were talking with Dad and she was there. She was standing next to you. Holding your hand.

At first I didn’t think anything of it. I had seen her do this plenty of times before. But I couldn’t pull my eyes away. And then I saw it. The difference in how she held your hand. Normally, she held it loosely, just her hand slipped into yours. But her fingers were now entwined in yours and slowly caressing the back of your hand.

I actually felt my own hands shaking. I poured myself a cup of punch, spilling more back into the bowl than I got into the glass. I made my way to the stairs and sat down on the second stair and stared into my cup.

I had no idea why I was feeling so hurt. We hadn’t been together for over a year. We hadn’t even spoken. But I was still confused. You broke up with me because you loved me and because you wanted to protect me. And now you were here, in my parents house, holding hands with another woman.

I vanished my cup and slowly made my way upstairs. The house was so full that no one would notice. I made my way up to my own bedroom, where I stood in front of the window and let the moonlight hit me.

‘Ginny?’

Your voice scared me. I didn’t want to look around. I didn’t want to see your face . You came and stood beside me, so close that I could feel the hairs on your arm standing up.

‘I don’t want this to be awkward,’ you said and I heard your voice quiver slightly. ‘But I have something to tell you.’

‘I saw,’ I said, turning my head from you slightly. ‘You and Hermione.’

We were standing so close together that I felt you tense up.

‘I can explain.’

I laughed. I felt horrible for doing it, but there was nothing else that I could do.

‘You don’t have to explain, Harry,’ I said, taking a deep breath and looking at you. ‘We broke up.’

‘But..’ you started and then paused. ‘I loved you for a long time.’

I felt my heart stop. My stomach felt like it was on fire.

‘After… after I left here, I was miserable. I knew what I did I did for the right reasons. But I had this feeling in my guts that I shouldn’t have done it, that I was stupid. Gin, it took me a long time to get over you.’

My heart was sinking, the burning feeling fading.

‘I can’t explain why it happened. The more time passed, I felt better about it. I started to know that it was for the right reasons. I started to think that maybe we’d be best as friends. After all, you’re my best friends sister.’

My heart couldn’t sink any lower. I wanted you to stop speaking, but I couldn’t find the words to say it to you.

‘The war was getting hard, physically and emotionally. I needed emotional support. And Hermione was there for me. Through thick and thin, she was right beside me. And it felt, well, it felt right.’

I wondered if you could hear my heart explode.

‘Ginny…’ you paused again and took hold of my hands, forcing me to look at you. ‘There will be some part of me who will always love you.’

I wanted to cry. I wanted to sink into a whole in the ground. Hell, I even wanted to slap you.

‘I can’t fully explain what I share with Hermione. It’s something totally different to what I shared with you. And…’ you trailed off and I wondered what else there could be to make you nervous. ‘There’s one more thing.’

‘Is she pregnant?’ I asked, more as a joke. But I saw the look on your face.

‘Yes.’

I realised than that you had read the manual on killing your ex-girlfriend several times over. Everything you were telling me hurt me more than I had ever been hurt.

‘We only found out a week ago. And we did the proper thing. With the end of the war coming up, we didn’t want to take too many risks. So one afternoon we left Ron at the pub we were staying in and snuck off to the local church. We got married.’

I wanted to pass out on the spot.

‘So you’re married, and she’s having your baby and you’re standing here telling me that you will always love me, in some way?’

‘You were my first love, Ginny. Hermione know’s that.’

‘Does she know you’re here with me?’

‘Yes. She was the one who saw you come up here. She was the one who suggested I tell you everything first.’

‘First?’

‘Nobody else knows about the wedding. Or the baby.’

A loud cheer echoed from downstairs and I jumped. I had forgotten that there was a house full of people below us.

‘I should get back.’

You exited the room as silently as you had entered it and I fell to the side, sitting on my bed. I realised that I was crying. I hadn’t even noticed. I wiped the tears away, angrily. I knew I had to get back to the party. I took three deep breaths at the door and headed back downstairs.

The two of you were standing in front of the fireplace. I couldn’t hear the words you were speaking, but I knew what you were saying. You were telling them all what you’d just told me.

My mind ran wild on me. I saw myself standing beside you, holding hand protectively over my stomach. I desperately wished that it was me standing there, but at the same time I knew that it was never supposed to be me.

I knew, watching the two of you, that she loved you more than I ever could. She loved you enough to not let you slip away. And she stood beside you, were I had once stood and you were happy.

And so was I.