To Hate Or Not To Hate

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling.

Authors Note: Thanks very much to my wondeful beta Melissa aka acoustics 1220 and her partner Ryan aka Zaphod Beeblebrox. I will never be accepted here without your help. A million thanks to both of you.

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TO HATE OR NOT TO HATE

“Ouch!” I started, when I felt something grow hot in my pocket, and then I realized something.

“Oh my! It finally happened!” It wasn’t until I raised my head and saw that almost all of my co-Ravenclaws that were scattered around in our common room were staring at me, that I realized, again, I was talking to myself out loud. I just shrugged at them and reached into my pocket to check if it was really what I was thinking. And yes, it was the DA coin.

I collected my notes and books and rushed to my dormitory. I was so excited that I felt like my heart was going to come out of my chest. Ronald would be there. I thought as I was about to leave my dorm and I stopped myself immediately.

“A thought I shouldn’t be having,” I mumbled to myself. And before I knew it, my feet led me back to my bed as I decided to calm myself first. I was irritated with myself. After a long year of not thinking about him, I was starting to feel different again. It was Ronald’s fault! Why had he felt the need to compliment me on my Quidditch commentary? He hadn’t paid any attention to me all this time. Why now?

I stumbled through my drawer to get my journal, murmuring the charm that would expose what I had written a year ago, and decided to read it all over again.

June 29, 1996

It’s much easier to forget him if you hate him.

Before the Ministry fiasco, you couldn’t be happier on how your Hogwarts life turned out. For the first time you had friends: Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Ronald- yes- you could add Ronald. The DA was the best thing that had ever happened to Hogwarts. But then, you knew that you couldn't have everything. As you gained friends, you lost the one that you wanted the most; the one you liked the most. You lost your hope that somehow Ronald would start to like you. You realized that he’s just the same as those who made fun of you. You'd grown used to people calling you Loony Lovegood but nothing hurt more than to hear it from someone you liked, someone you really hoped would’ve noticed you. And now, you don’t want to be called Loony anymore. It’s like you can't ever get used to it again. Every time somebody calls you Loony, you just want to rip your heart out. And you were definitely not like this before.

And that’s why you decided to secretly hate him so that you could move on and easily accept that he did not, and would not- like you. So as long as you hate him, his opinion wouldn’t matter anymore; you wouldn’t feel the need to see him or to let him know that you’d support him or cheer for him. You could pass the Gryffindor table without secretly hoping that he was watching as you passed by.

Now you decided to be content with what you have - after all, you now have friends and that’s what’s important. Even though you can’t hang out with them that much, because they are always with him, you still have them and someday you will be given the chance to prove your friendship.

It's been almost a year since I’d written this and it has been a constant reminder on how I should feel about Ronald. I had been reading this more often these past few months ever since I talked to him, when I needed to give Harry a message from Dumbledore. That day, the hope heightened again when he complimented me.

I walked to the mirror and started to scold myself. Luckily, I was alone.

“You’re going to the DA, you should calm yourself. You know that you’re going to see Ronald, but he is not the reason you’ll be there. You could at least try not to talk to him or not look at him at all. You don’t want to go that road again.”

With that, I left the Ravenclaw tower and started searching for our meeting place. Surprisingly, it wasn't in the Room of Requirement, as a new meeting place was also encrypted on the coin, but I also knew that they had their reasons.

When I finally found the designated room, there were only four people present. Ronald was sitting on a teacher’s desk and Ginny was in the chair next to him and looked deep in thought. Her narrowed eyes were fixed upon Hermione, who was in front of them, staring thoughtfully outside the window. Meanwhile, Neville was sitting nearest to the door where I stood. He smiled at me and I took it as an invitation to sit beside him. Everyone seemed so serious that I was afraid to utter a single word for fear that something catastrophic would happen.

“What’s the matter? Aren’t we supposed to be training?” I finally asked Neville, whispering quietly.

“I don’t know,” he answered, trying not to produce too much noise.

“How long have you been here?”

“It feels like it’s been a day... I don’t know,” Neville said, shaking his head.

“It’s intense in here.”

“I know!” Neville agreed.

We waited for someone to speak to us. Finally, Ronald did.

“It’s been fifteen minutes- but, maybe we could wait another five. It can't be just the five of us. What do you think, Hermione?” Ronald said, trying to catch Hermione’s attention, but she remained silent as she stared outside. He then looked over at Neville and I.

“I think we need to explain what’s going on.”

“About time!” said Neville.

“We need to watch Malfoy and Snape tonight,” said Ronald gravely.

“Why?” I asked, ignoring my rule to not to talk to him. This was DA business, something more important than battling with myself over whether to talk to him or not.

Ronald waited for Hermione to say something but failed to get a response out of her, for she was still in her own world, wearing a worried expression. So he continued, “We feel that the two are planning to do something bad to Hogwarts.”

I didn't know what kind of expression was on Neville's face, but I knew that there was one of utter shock and disbelief on my own. I thought Draco Malfoy was only sixteen years old- what harm could he do to the school? And Professor Snape, he was a former Death Eater, but he was also a teacher whom Professor Dumbledore trusted. Still, I knew that Harry, Hermione, and Ronald knew better than to risk our necks for expulsion if they didn’t have any solid evidence. And to think, we were only going to watch them.

“Maybe its best if we divide ourselves,” said Ronald. He'd finally given up trying to catch Hermione’s attention and I noticed that he was starting to form a plan, which was usually Hermione’s duty. I could tell that this time he felt that he was the one who needed to take over.

And I’d never been prouder of him.

“Me, Ginny, and Neville will go to the Room of Requirement where Malfoy is. I want Luna and Hermione to go to Snape’s office, where according to the map, he was-” he looked down at the magical scrap of parchment “-currently reading.”

“But where’s Harry?” I finally asked. Ginny looked in my direction and Hermione woke up from her reverie.

“Harry was… somewhere. He’s with Dumbledore. You have nothing to worry about. The same goes for you, Hermione,” Ronald said to her when he noticed her eyes had finally left the window.

“Why? What happened to Harry?” I asked.

He’s okay – really - he really is okay.” Ronald seemed to lose the confidence in his voice every time he said ‘Harry was okay’. He looked at all of us as we gave him disbelieving looks, and he wilted, and finally muttered, “We're going to hope that he’ll be fine.”

“We really shouldn’t have accepted the Felix, Ron,” Hermione murmured, barely holding back her tears. “He needs it more than us. Who knows what danger he could be facing now?”

“Stop it, Hermione! Harry can take care of himself. It’s just you who always thinks that he can't handle himself without you. He doesn’t need you. He has more important things to do in his life than to hear you whining,” Ginny snapped. She seemed to be pouring out whatever she was thinking before I arrived.

I was surprised to hear Ginny raise her voice at Hermione, I was also confused as to why she’d said such mean things because it was just totally off the point. All in all, I still felt that she was over the line. So I tried to defend Hermione “That isn't very nice, Ginny! Hermione was just pointing out that Harry needs the potion. You don’t have to-”

“That’s exactly what I mean!” said Ginny, who was now looking a little guilty for snapping at Hermione.

“No! That’s not what you mean and I know exactly what you mean. You’ve been trying to tell that to me for a very long time, you just didn’t have the chance. But I don’t care about you or what you think,” Hermione snapped, glaring angrily at Ginny.

“We have to move on now. We don’t have enough time. I divided the Felix. Here, take this,” Ronald interrupted. He attempted to break the tension between the two girls as he tried to give a small bottle to Hermione.

“I can’t take that! I don’t want that!” cried Hermione, looking horrified. “I don’t think I can live knowing that I survived and Harry didn’t because of that!”

“Harry’s not going to die! He’s with Dumbledore!” Ronald seemed to lose his patience as he practically shouted at Hermione, but she didn’t give any sign of backing out on her decision as a single tear fell from her eye.

“Look, Hermione,” Ronald pleaded, now looking down at her sympathetically and trying to soften his voice. “Harry gave it to us because he trusts Dumbledore fully and we’ve got to trust Dumbledore too. He gave it to us because he needed us to be out of danger- he needed us to be-”

“Ron, if something bad happens to Harry I don’t care what will happen to my life anymore.” With that, she walked out of the room heading towards the dungeon.

Instead of running after her, Ronald looked at me and took my hand, giving me the bottle. “Luna, take this. You need it, too,” he said, enclosing his hand around mine.

Trying to retain a casual voice even though I was very conscious of the fact that he was still holding my hand, I whispered, “I don’t think so… see… I already have my lucky charm.”

“Just in case,” he insisted and left me, after patting me on the shoulder. I couldn’t resist the smile pulling at my lips and felt very lighthearted. Fortunately, he’d already turned and had his back facing me.

I forgot that Ginny was still there; she was watching me and smiling. To save myself from embarrassment, I tried to change my expression to a serious and ‘ready to fight’ facial expression. I reached for her hand and tried to give the potion back but she refused and pulled away from me. “It’s not bad to have two lucky charms and maybe you can try to make Hermione quit being stubborn and just drink it.”

Ginny and Neville made their way to the seventh floor while I had to walk fast to catch up with Hermione. I saw her pass by the corridor we should have gone down.

“Hermione-” I cried out, thankfully she turned her head. “This is the right way.” I smiled at her but her expression remained blank as she approached me.

“Ronald’s right. You worry too much. You worry too much that you can’t make yourself useful now,” I told her casually.

She turned her head to look at me so quickly that I wondered if she’d hurt her neck. “You don’t understand…. You just don’t know,” she answered unpleasantly.

“What's there to know? Ronald was a part of this task too and I know he was worried about Harry, but he's still doing his job great. If Harry was here he would be proud of him.”

“If Harry was here he would be the one who knew what to do and most importantly, he would be out of danger,” Hermione said patiently.

“I disagree. Harry has his fair share of the plans but you are the one laying it out,” ignoring her second statement, I continued. “You’re the one who comes up with the best ideas and that’s why he trusts you so much. You’re the only one who’s making it difficult….”

“It must be great to be you,” Hermione interrupted, completely disregarding what I thought was the best advice I could ever give. “Not worrying about anything, taking all the bad things that happen to you positively, having an ideal outlook in life. I mean look at you! You don't know exactly why you are here and still you accepted this job as if it was a treat.”

I was completely speechless. I didn't know if it was a compliment or an insult. I tried to act insulted: “Are you mocking me?!”

“No!” she exclaimed immediately. “I was merely saying that I admire your coolness in situations like this,” she explained. Thank Merlin it was a compliment.

“That’s because I trust you and Harry- and Ronald. I know that whatever it is, it is for the greater good.” Then she gave me what I thought was her first smile of the evening.

“I wish Harry had been here to hear you say that. It would have really boosted his confidence,” she answered.

“Harry knows that I trust him.”

“Yeah, of course, he knows,” said Hermione before sitting on the floor across the stairs leading to Snape’s door and eyeing it absently.

Silence enveloped us. To ease the tension, I tried to tell her the tradition of Crumple-Horned-Snorkacks every summer. She seemed to be interested at first, and I was in the middle of saying why my father and I decided to postpone our trip, when I noticed that she hadn’t blinked for one minute.

“Hermione? Hermione!” I tried to pull the invisible Wrackspurt from around her, but I had no way of knowing if I had gotten it for sure. “Hermione!” I called her for the second time.

“What?” she answered and I’d never been more thankful. Wrackspurts can be very harmful. They can cause one's brain to be totally incapacitated when it is around you frequently.

“Wrackspurt’s got you,” I told her.

“What?!” she asked.

“Wrackspurt! You know, they float in through your ears and make your brain go fuzzy. We have a lot of them in here. I wonder what Professor Dumbledore was doing to at least lessen their numbers.”

“Hey! I know what a Wrackspurt is. They are around you a lot more than they are around me. The only difference is every time it happens to you, you’re staring at Ron,” teased Hermione.

I felt my face grow hot and I became aware that I was blushing tremendously.

“That’s not… that’s not… that’s not a Wrackspurt!” I said, trying to distract Hermione from what she was trying to say. But she wasn't named Ms. Know-It-All for nothing.

“Oh, okay then, that’s not a Wrackspurt. So- what is it?” asked Hermione, she smiled widely.

“What?” I asked, seeming oblivious to what she was saying. Then I just glared at her while asking myself if I was really being so obvious.

“Don’t be like that, Luna. You’re perfectly aware of what I am talking about. And just in case you’re wondering, yes, you were that obvious,” said Hermione, still smiling.

I felt defeated. How could I win to Ms. Hermione Granger? I decided that maybe I could tell her - she was the closest friend I had here except for Ginny, whom, for obvious reasons, I chose not to confide in about these things.

“Okay! Since, I was that obvious. You’re right, I liked Ronald. I don’t anymore,” I admitted, looking anywhere but at her.

“You don’t? Why?” Hermione asked with genuine curiosity.

“Well, let’s just say that he never takes me seriously as a person, what more as a… as a….you know what.”

“But, maybe it’s because you didn’t give him a chance to appreciate you more. I mean, I did think you were crazy when I first met you-”

“Thanks! That was really good to know,” I said sarcastically.

“But as I got to know you better, I realized that you’re absolutely not. It’s just that you talk too much about the weird things you believe in-”

“Because it's true. Scrimgeour really is a vampire. If you would just notice that every time-”

“Okay! Okay! We’re getting a little off topic here. The point is- Ron needs to know who you really are. You haven't given him that chance. It seems like you’ve been trying to avoid him this past year. And if it wasn’t for the fact that you needed to give Harry a message, you wouldn't have ever talked to Ron.”

“I have my reasons,” I replied dismissively. I had no idea that Hermione was watching me the whole time and I didn’t know if it should make me feel irritated or important.

“Right. Sorry. I didn’t mean to push you,” Hermione apologized.

“No! No! I didn’t think that you’re pushing me. Sorry if I said it like that. It’s just that… I can’t… whatever my feelings for Ronald. I didn’t like it, I didn’t like what my feelings were doing to me, concerning him.”

Hermione just gave me a satisfied smile. “It seems that we have a lot more in common than I expected.”

If there was something that would make me die of shock, this was it. “You like Ronald, too?” I asked, as if my life depended on it.

“No,” she denied firmly. She had no idea that she just saved my life by renouncing this. “Although, I am better at hiding my feelings than you, I think,” she continued.

If it wasn’t Ron, why, with all the constant bickering, the fighting over little things... it was just too ugly. Then it must have been Harry.

“So is it Harry?” Silently betting all the gold Fudge spent on trying to control all the goblins, that I was right.

“Can you keep it a secret, Luna?” she asked me as I smiled. It was the first time someone from my school trusted me with their secret. It felt nice.

“Don’t be surprised that I knew because you’re right, you’re a lot more discreet than I am. It’s just that, I already had an inkling that it might happen to both of you, you know, because of how close you are. I just didn’t expect that it already happened on your side. Am I right to assume that it is only on your side?” I asked her tentatively.

“It’s only me. And like you- I also don’t want this feeling and I'm trying to disregard it. I know that he will never see me that way,” said Hermione.

“How do you know?” I asked her hastily.

“Ginny! I’ve never seen him this happy so he must be really into her,” she explained, but I could see that she was really hurt by this.

“Oh yeah! I forgot …Ginny. I’m sorry,” I apologized sincerely.

“Don’t worry about it,” she answered, trying to smile but failing.

Another tense silence settled between us but now I didn’t know what to say to break it. It seemed every topic that I thought to start was inappropriate. Until, I remembered my secret strategy to get over Ron.

“Hermione! Have you ever tried hating Harry?”

She was a little surprised by what I said but she recovered quickly. “I can’t do that. Harry needs me. I’m his best friend before anything else. I value our friendship more than anything else. And, I don’t think it would work. You can’t just tell yourself to hate someone if you don’t mean to.”

“It worked for me. It was a brilliant idea. I got over Ron quite easily,” I said, boasting the idea without realizing that I had just spilled my darkest secret.

“Really?” She looked at me disbelievingly. “So you could honestly tell me that you don’t have feelings for Ron anymore.”

“Ermm… Yeah!” I lied, intending to lie successfully.

“You’re trying to tell me that you weren’t excited when you saw him tonight, that your heart didn’t beat unnaturally fast when he handed you the potion earlier?” asked Hermione.

“Erm… Hmmm… Yeah!” I said, while telling myself to stop blushing. And Merlin she saw that, she saw my reaction. I thought she’d already been on the way to the dungeon at the time.

“You know that you’re not going to get me. Also- you’re not a very good liar, Luna,” said Hermione, who couldn’t hide the satisfaction of making me blush twice in so little time.

“Alright! You win!” And for the second time, I gave up. “But I really did get over him for a while, but that message for Harry ruined it all,” I said, pointing my finger to her to show that this time I was telling the truth.

“I remember that, especially the part when you were in a hurry to get away from him,” said Hermione.

“Oh my- Can the teasing stop?” I didn’t know if I could handle any more.

“He complimented you about your commentary. He never does that to anyone, not even to me. Oh! He did that to Fleur and he was head over heels into her.”

I really couldn't handle it anymore so I covered my ears to prevent myself from listening to her. “Don’t say that. Don’t put that idea in my head.”

“Hey, calm down,” said Hermione, who was now laughing.

I moved my hands from my ears and placed them calmly on my lap. I saw the amused look on Hermione’s face. “You must be thinking that I am really crazy,” I said.

“Well, let’s just say that I’m used to it by now,” Hermione joked.

We both laughed silently. We seemed to forget why we were here and if it wasn’t for Professor Flitwick running and screaming for Professor Snape, we wouldn't have remembered the task we had.

“Professor Flitwick, what happened?” we both asked as he ran towards Professor Snape’s door, magically opened it, and slammed the door behind him.

We simply looked at each other as if one of us knew what was going to happen.