The Hogwarts Alumni Book Club

Blue Lady

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 7
Published: 22/07/2007
Last Updated: 29/07/2007
Status: completed

When Hermione gives Harry, Draco, Ginny and Ron a copy of Deathly Hallows, none of them are pleased with the epilogue. [A story in which the HP characters read Book 7 and over-react...slightly.] CHAPTER 3 IS NOW UP!

Chapters

1. Chapter 1

2. Chapter 2

3. Chapter 3

1. Chapter 1

Title: The Hogwarts Alumni Book Club

Author: Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)

Summary: When Hermione gives Harry, Draco, Ginny and Ron a copy of Deathly Hallows, none of them are pleased with the epilogue. [A HP characters read Book 7 and over-react type of story.]

Author's Note: this is a semi-parody. I’ve tried to make it a bit more humorous since I believe we all need something to laugh about after the stuff that was the epilogue of Deathly Hallows.

WARNING: BOOK 7 SPOILERS! For some reason, PKO won't let me choose the Book 1 ---> 7 for the spoilers option on the control panel. So if you haven't finished book 7 or don't want to be exposed to spoilers, don't read this fic. Otherwise, enjoy!

Sixteen years after Hogwarts Graduation.

It was a bright summer morning at the Potter estate. The numerous offspring of the Potter, Weasley and Malfoy clans were outside on the Potter’s Quidditch pitch having their weekly match.

Meanwhile, instead of watching as usual, their parents were inside looking over a new package Hermione had received the day before.

“So…what exactly is this book?”

“It’s the muggle version of what happened during our seventh year at Hogwarts,” replied Hermione, “And my contact warned me that it might be a bit controversial, so I got a few more copies so the rest of you could read it too.”

“Harry Pothead, uh, Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Hmm, interesting piece of muggle literature.” Draco remarked before flipping through a few pages of the thick text idly.

Beside him, Ginny and Ron both picked up a copy and proceeded to look through their own.

A few minutes later.

“Bloody hell!”

Hermione, Harry, Ron and Ginny all looked up to see Draco fling his book towards the wall, nearly hitting a family photo of the Potters. The Harry in the photo proceeded to give Draco the finger.

“Draco!” Hermione looked scandalized, “Is that how you treat all your books?”

Draco was still looking at the novel lying on the ground, an expression of extreme distaste on his face.

“The author totally screwed up the epilogue!” he finally bit out.

“How did you get there so quickly?” Hermione placed her hands on her hips, “You’re one of those people that flip right to the end of a book after five pages at the beginning, aren’t you?”

“Actually, it’s two pages,” muttered Draco under his breathe, “But that’s not the point!”

“That muggle author,” he spat out, “She had the audacity to say that my Gin-gin married Potter and that you married Weasel and that you people actually had the nerve to procreate!”

He collapsed onto the loveseat and pulled Ginny down with him, burying his face into her hair as his wife tried to calm him down.

Hermione’s eyes widened before, for the first time in her entire life, she flipped right towards the last chapter instead of reading the book in order.

After a minute or so, Hermione also threw her copy down in disgust while Harry and Ron were still scrambling to catch up.

“I can’t believe it!” she said angrily, “I was told that this was supposed to be a truthful retelling of events!”

“Tell that to the person that wrote this!” snarled Draco.

Harry abandoned his book and pulling Hermione down onto the couch beside him, he wrapped an arm tightly around her and petted her hair soothingly as she clenched the front of his shirt in a tight fist.

“It’s okay, Mione,” he said, “It’s just a book.”

“It’s a book that almost everyone in the muggle world believes!” she lifted her face upwards, “Oh Harry!”

“Treat her like Rita Skeeter.” Harry said calmly, “Just because some people choose to believe these lies doesn’t mean that they’re actually true. You got stuck with me, didn’t you?” he cajoled her.

Hermione gave his a small smile, “And I’ll gladly be stuck with you for the rest of your life, Mr. Potter.”

“Same here, Mrs. Potter.” And Harry leaned forward to give Hermione a long, loving kiss.

“Thank you, Harry,” she whispered after they finally broke apart.

“Anytime, ‘Mione.”

Stretching an arm down to get the copy of Deathly Hallows she had thrown onto the floor, she snuggled into Harry’s side as she proceeded to the epilogue, pointing out to Harry the sentences gotten her so riled up.

Meaanwhile, Draco looked vaguely disturbed. “Please tell me I did not name my own flesh-and-blood a poncy name like Scorpius!”

“Nope!” Harry said cheerfully from where he was reading over Hermione’s shoulder, “It saids right here that your kid’s name is Scorpius. I quote ‘Draco was standing there with his wife and son-’”

“So who is my lovely wife in this fantasy Muggle version?” drawled Draco.

“I don’t think they say who she is. Even your son only resembles you alone,” replied Hermione.

“Maybe his son’s actually a clone?” Harry suggested.

“Bloody ha ha, Potter,” A scowl appeared on Draco’s face, “I’ll have you know I can get any chick I bloody well want to!”

“Ahem.”

“Not that I would want to, of course, when I have such a beautiful wife,” Draco quickly backtracked before leaning over to capture Ginny’s lips in a long, drawn-out kiss.

Ron proceeded to make gagging sounds. It was a habit he hadn’t been able to successfully break even sixteen years after his sister had married ferret boy.

Harry’s cough sounded very distinctly like ‘whipped’.

“I heard that.”

“What?” Harry gave everyone his best innocent expression.

“Oh!!” Draco suddenly burst out, “Obviously this Scorpius kid is my lovechild with Ginevra! In your face, Potter!”

He was met with a roomful of incredulous looks and Ginny proceeded to give him another slap.

“What? It’s a good theory! I know I’m irresistible and it makes sense that even the muggle JK Rowling acknowledged it, but she had this insane theory that Ginny and Potter have any chemistry beyond a small gluestick, so she wrote Gin with Potter, but she’s having an affair on the side with me!”

Hermione turned towards Harry, “Did that make any sense to you?”

Her husband merely opened his mouth and closed it for a few seconds. “Uh…he lost me somewhere after irresistible.”

“My ears!” moaned Ron.

“Ronald,” Luna walked serenely into the room, “Maybe you’re suffering from a windgrie infection.”

“That must be it,” Draco nodded.

“Ah Luna,” Ron pulled the blond towards him, “My wife. My lovely, sweet, talented, patient-”

“Are you trying to imply something there, mate?” Harry raised an eyebrow.

Ron’s ears turned red and he hugged Luna tighter.

Hermione just ignored them as she was once more buried behind her copy of Deathly Hallows.

Abruptly, Ron turned to Hermione, “Hermione, you know that I love you, right?”

The woman he was addressing looked up from her book and merely nodded slowly.

“Ron,” said Harry, who seemed stuck between being amused or annoyed, “You might want to think carefully about your next words.”

Ron just ignored him, “You’re one of my best friends in the whole world, you’re smart, pretty, brave, smart-”

“Weasley’s running out of adjectives,” commented Draco.

“Anyways,” Ron scowled at Draco before turning back to Hermione, “It never would have worked out between us.”

She looked rather amused, “And is this supposed to be news I haven’t heard before?”

“No, what I’m saying is that we probably would have killed each other or divorced one month after the honeymoon which is why that book is such…” He struggled for the right word to describe it.

“Bullshit.” Shawn tossed out from his spot on the floor next to his parents where he had been sitting after sneaking into the den ten minutes ago.

“Exactly!” Ron beamed at his nephew, “Thanks, mate.”

“Shawn Malfoy! No swearing in the house!” Ginny glared at her son.

“But that muggle author, she renamed me Scorpius!” complained Shawn, “What kind of a poncy name is Scorpius Malfoy?!”

“My thoughts exactly,” Draco agreed, “We all know if I had wanted to name my firstborn some poncy name, we would have stuck with Fido instead.”

Shawn looked at his father in horror, “You were going to name me Fido?!”

Draco shrugged, “We considered it. It seemed too…common, for a Malfoy.”

“Fido is what people name their dogs!” Shawn almost looked as though he would be having a panic attack at any second, “Emil Thomas has a dog named Fido!”

“Hence the reason why we decided against naming you Fido Malfoy,” said Draco dryly.

“Draco,” Ginny gave him a warning glare before turning to her son, “Your father’s just teasing you.”

Shawn looked a bit relieved to hear this.

Meanwhile, Harry was giving Ron a long look. “Ron, if you ever put the words ‘Hermione’ and ‘honeymoon’ in the same sentence again, I will hex you.”

Hermione scowled at her husband.

“Harry,” she reproached him. When he gave her a mock-hurt look, she clarified, “Get in line.”

“Oy!”

“Oh, oh, can I go next?” Draco jerked his head to the side to avoid Ginny’s slap.

“Draco!”

A few minutes later….

Ron snickered out loud as he got to a particular amusing part, well, for him, anyways.

“Hey, Malfoy! I never noticed your receding hairline.”

“Weasley,” Draco glared at him from where his head was rested on Ginny’s lap, “You need your eyes checked….Perhaps your brain as well.”

“Nope!” crowed Ron, “It saids right here, ‘Draco Malfoy was standing there with his wife and son. His hair was receding somewhat, which emphasized the pointed chin-' ”

“Receding?! Gimme that!” snarled Draco, stalking across the room and yanking the book out of Ron’s hands.

“Malfoy’s going bald!” Ron continued to snicker.

“I do NOT have a receding hairline!”

Ron leaned forward a little and gave Draco’s hairline a critical glance, “Looks to me like you’re starting to go a bit bald, Malfoy.”

“Malfoys do not go bald!”

“Ron!” hissed Ginny, “Shut up!”

“But it’s so much fun!” whined Ron.

“Ron,” Hermione spoke up and she waited until the redhead was looking at her, “You were wrong about how we wouldn’t have lasted a month after the honeymoon...”

Harry almost looked betrayed until he heard the rest of Hermione’s sentence.

“…In fact, we probably wouldn’t have lasted two hours past the wedding.”

Harry suddenly developed a coughing fit.

*************************************

I haven't really decided whether to continue this or to let it remain as a one-shot. Hopefully you'll let me know?

2. Chapter 2

Title: The Hogwarts Alumni Book Club

Author: Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)

Summary: When Hermione gives Harry, Draco, Ginny and Ron a copy of Deathly Hallows, none of them are pleased with the epilogue. [A HP characters read Book 7 and over-react type of story.]

Thanks to everyone that reviewed Chapter 1! I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one that wanted an alternative to DH. I'm looking forward to seeing the Book 7 re-writes that people are planning. :)

Btw, [inserts shameless self-advertisement] if you enjoyed Book Club, you should check out my Azkaban Hot Tub Tales series - it's humor along similiar lines...only way more weird. =)

In Chapter 2, our favorite characters comment on other parts of the book.

Chapter 2: Conspiracy Theories

“Ron?” The redhead in question looked up the game of wizard chess he was playing with his nephew. Luna and Ginny were now conversing quietly amongst themselves as the latter slowly ran her fingers through Draco’s silky blond hair.

Meanwhile, Draco was thumbing through the book again and offering a snide comment every so often.

“What is it?”

Hermione looked strangely amused, “Do you own a book called Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches?”

Ron thought about it for a second before he shook his head. “Don’t reckon so. Don’t really think I’d need one either – not with Bill, Charlie and the Twins for siblings. Why did you ask?”

“Apparently we only got together after you read the book in question.”

A snicker broke out from Draco’s direction.

Ron threw his brother-in-law a dirty look.

“Mom, all the other stuff that happened in this book is correct, isn’t it?” asked Ben from his spot on the floor, where he was reading another copy of Deathly Hallows.

“Mostly,” Hermione flipped through her copy, “Although I have noted some inaccuracies every now and then.”

“You know what?” remarked Harry conversationally, “I’d never thought I’d say that, but Voldemort wasn’t all that bad.”

Draco blinked before turning to Hermione, “Are his delusions contagious?” he asked seriously.

“Bugger off, you.” Harry threw a chocolate frog at Draco, which the latter snapped out of the air with a quick flick of his waist.

“It didn’t really occur to me at the time-”

“Well, yes, I’m imagine getting tortured by an evil wizard and being on the verge of meeting one’s maker must have mixed up your priorities,” Hermione looked at Harry with a hint of exasperated amusement.

“-but reading through what happened again, I really think Voldemort thought that we’d get together as well!”

Hermione raised an eyebrow, “Harry, are you trying to say that we should have invited Voldemort to the wedding?”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far….” he trailed off.

“Just making sure.”

A few minutes later…

“I think she must have gotten the wrong version of what happened during the final battle,” noted Nina.

“I think so,” Harry sighed, “If it had been as simple as giving Voldemort a malfunctioning wand to off him-”

“-We would have finished him off ages ago,” finished Hermione.

“A malfunctioning wand! Of all the-” Draco snorted, “It would probably have been more poetic to have him run over by a muggle bus!”

“Perhaps,” Hermione said non-committedly. “But there’s something really bothering me about the casualties in this version.”

“Why is that?” asked Ron.

“Most of the people that died in this version were present at our wedding,” Hermione frowned, “Do you think she’s trying to imply something?”

“No way!” Ron’s eyes widened, “Even Mad-Eye bit it?”

“Yes. He bit it, as you put so eloquently, on page seventy-eight. Voldemort kills him and then Umbridge somehow gets ahold of his magical eye.”

“I bet Mad-Eye’ll get a kick out of that if he ever reads this version of our seventh year.”

“He’ll probably kick her into the Forbidden Forest,” muttered Hermione – she had never really gotten over her dislike of the former High Inquisitor. “I don’t really get why she decided to kill Hedwig though.”

“She killed Hedwig?” Harry looked a bit shocked, “What for?”

“Maybe it’s symbolic,” suggested Luna.

“I don’t get it.”

“Neither do I,” Harry added, “What do you think, Mione?”

Hermione seemed to be deep in thought although her eyes twinkled as she looked at Harry, “If she was going for symbolism, she would probably have been better off killing off someone more important, like Draco. At least that would have been sufficiently anvil-sized enough.”

“Thanks.” Draco looked a bit smug but then the rest of Hermione’s words registered, “Wait a minute….”

Sometime later.

"Hey Ginny! Mom kills Bellatrix in this version!"

"Go Mom!" The two Weasley siblings grinned at each other.

“Yeah, about that part,” Harry looked at Hermione, “Don’t you think Molly sounds that woman in that movie we watched the other day?”

“Oh, you mean Ripley in Alien when she says ‘Get away from her, you bitch?’ ”

“Well, I suppose JK had to get her inspiration from somewhere…”

“I wonder if she used something from Star Wars as well?” mused Hermione.

"Uh, I really can't imagine Voldemort speaking like Yoda..."

"I can," cut in Draco and he intoned in a booming voice, "Potter, dead you will be. Smite you with this utterly puny, defective wand I will," he paused before continuing, "Vodie I am. Have a bad fashion sense I do. Fire beautican and fashion consultant I will."

The two Potters looked at him in amazement before meeting each others eyes and breaking out into laughter.

Ron looked a bit confused by this.

Draco just shrugged.

************************************

“Blimey Hermione!” Ron was looked up with an unidentified expression on his face as Shawn pointed out a few selected sentences to him.

“What is it this time?”

“Underpants, wash…” Here Ron trailed off and started turning red.

Luna looked concerned as she leaned over and started slapping Ron’s back. “Are you alright?”

“Weasley, I don't know if your parents ever taught you this, but breathing is considered to be a good thing,” called out Draco as he strolled into the room and retook his seat. “Remember that!”

At this, Ron took in a large gulp of air and his face started to regain its normal color.

“I quote,” Shawn suddenly announced in a highly serious voice, “ ‘Hermione said brightly, taking Harry’s presents out of his arms as the three of them headed back upstairs. “I’m nearly done, I’m just waiting for the rest of your underpants to come out of the wash, Ron–” Ron’s splutter was interrupted by the opening of a door on the first-floor landing.’ ”

After hearing this, a red tinge appeared on Hermione’s face as her mouth opened wordlessly.

“I thought I was supposed to wash your underpants, Ron,” remarked Luna.

“You are!”

“As long as we’re clear on that.” With that Luna turned back and resumed her conversation with Ginny.

Ron looked slightly nervously at Harry. Luckily the other was busy pondering a much deeper mystery of life - “Where does she get this stuff from?” exclaimed Harry, “Is there anything in that book that’s accurate?”

“Well,” Hermione said, tapping her chin with a finger, “You have to admit that she did the number of kids right…even if she did mess up who their parents were.”

“She did?” Luna asked.

“In her version, Harry and Ginny had three kids, Ronald and I were gifted,” sarcasm tinged the word, “with two and Draco…it only mentions his son, but he probably has a few more tucked away.”

“Where? In the pocket of my cloak?”

Hermione ignored him, “So if you count the fact that Draco and Ginny currently have three kids and we have two, she was pretty spot on. She only forgot to account for the four you have with Luna.”

Ron didn’t look too pleased by this observation.

“Maybe they were out on an expedition to find the crumple-horned snorkack,” Luna said.

Her husband gave her a smile and dropped a kiss on the top of her head, “That’s probably it.”

“I don’t think I would have inflicted the name Albus Severus on any poor kid,” Harry pretended to shudder, “Especially my own. Can you imagine trying to live up to those names? Not to mention it’s still difficult not to think of Snape as a slimy git.” He said the last part under his breathe.

“Of course, naming your kids Lily and James also reeks of originality,” drawled Draco.

“Which is why none of my kids are named after my parents,” said Harry crossly, “Well, except for Ben, but James is his middle name.”

“At least nobody else got renamed,” Hermione broke into the discussion, “What were they thinking? Hermione Jean? Everyone knows that my middle name is Jane!”

Draco raised his hand lazily, “I didn’t know that.”

“That’s because you never pay attention,” and with that, Hermione turned back to her book once more.

“Did I mention that Potter dies in this book and is magically resurrected?” Draco tossed out of nowhere.

“I do?”

“Wicked!” Ron grinned at Harry.

“She must have misinterpreted the part of the battle where Harry had been knocked out,” Hermione said shortly, “Honestly, Harry’s powerful, but he’s not…” She tried to find the right word.

“A vampire?” offered Nina absentmindedly. When her mother raised an eyebrow at her, she realized what she had just said, “Just kidding.”

“Someone’s been watching too many Buffy episodes,” thought Shawn.

“I was thinking more of ‘invincible’,” Hermione finished.

“Aw, Hermione,” whined Harry good-naturedly.

“You’re pretty close to it though,” she said, giving him a quick peck on the check.

“Oh and congratulations Weasley,” Draco added.

“Why?” Ron gave the blond a suspicious look.

“You managed to increase your emotional range from that of a teaspoon into a 50 mL measuring cup over the space of, hmm, fifty pages?”

“Oh, sod off.”

Some time later...

“What the-”

“Ron, when the hell did you become a parselmouth?!”

“I did?”

“You did…that or you should consider a career in snake-charming.”

Ron looked suitably impressed, “Well, bugger me.”

“Hell no.”

“Malfoy. You have a really dirty mind.”

“Well, your sister likes it.”

Ron gave Ginny a questioning look.

“Sorry Ron,” Ginny shrugged her shoulders and gave Draco an indulgent smile, “It’s all part of Drake’s charm.”

“Love you, Gin.”

“Nutters, both of you,” muttered Ron under his breathe.

*********************************************

Thanks for reading!

3. Chapter 3

Title: The Hogwarts Alumni Book Club

Author: Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)

Summary: When Hermione gives Harry, Draco, Ginny and Ron a copy of Deathly Hallows, none of them are pleased with the epilogue. [A HP characters read Book 7 and over-react type of story.]

Thanks to everyone that has reviewed this story! I've read every single one of them and I've tried my best to include some of the things that some readers wanted to see.

In Chapter 3, we get Molly's reaction to DH in the first part of the chapter (it's not that humorous though - the humor starts when we get back to Potter Manor), plus Remus and Tonks make an appearance later on since many readers wanted to get their opinions on Book 7 as well! Also, major reactions to the "sibling" theory. Enjoy!

Chapter 3

Meanwhile, at the Burrow

Molly sat down heavily on the couch in the living room as a song from the Wireless played in the background. Glancing about, her attention was caught by one of the history published in the muggle world about the long war Harry had fought against the Dark Lord during his years at Hogwarts.

As Minister for Magic, he often got a lot of free stuff and his fascination with muggles meant that he’d often kept up with what was popular there. Harry’s story was one of them.

“I guess this would be the one with the Battle of Hogwarts,” she mused as she read the short blurb before opening the book.

A few hours later, she was finished. Having been privy to most of the events that had occurred and having grilled her youngest son for the rest, she was able to skip most of plot details.

Overall, the book was quite accurate in the telling of major events, although it seemed to be full of mistakes about the people involved.

“Especially that epilogue,” she thought was a snort. At first, she had been disappointed when Harry had broken up with Ginny, but then, gaining Draco Malfoy as a son-in-law wasn’t all that bad either.

The fact that Draco loved seeing his face splashed across the news ensured that her daughter was often present in the news as well.

Just as well. If her Ginny had married Harry, there would barely be a line about her in the news at all! Everyone knew that Harry, that dear boy, was notoriously camera-shy. Of course, Hermione didn’t seem to mind that much.

Now that she actually thought about the differences between Draco and Harry, she concluded that Draco was by far the better choice for her little girl. Harry would probably have keep the marriage a secret! In fact, if Ginny hadn’t been engaged to Draco already at the time, she would have been even more upset than she had been when she found out that Harry and Hermione had eloped barely a year after the final battle at Hogwarts.

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“I still don’t get why Mrs. Weasley got to be the one to kill my Aunt in this version,” groused Draco for the tenth time the past hour, “It seems….unrealistic. Everyone knows Longbottom was the one that did it.”

“Careful Malfoy, that’s your mother-in-law you’re talking about,” warned Ron.

“But-” Draco paused when he caught Ginny’s expression, “Okay, fine, your mother’s very scary. Very, very scary. In fact, I think she should come with a warning sign.” He nodded empathically.

“Oh yeah, you should come with a steel cabinet and a deadbolt.”

“I feel so hurt. Really,” drawled Draco.

“Ron!”

“What?”

They were interrupted when Harry, previously the one most unaffected by the book’s contents, slammed his shut and threw it across the room.

“And Potter finally shows a reasonable reaction,” commented Draco.

Harry scowled, but his glare was now directed at Ron.

“What?” Ron backed away slowly from his best friend, “What did I do now?”

“Harry!” Hermione placed a hand on his arm and she could feel how tense his muscles were, “What’s wrong?”

Harry was silent before he tugged her into his arms and proceeded to give her a thorough snogging.

Draco looked away. Ginny looked amused. Ron looked a bit disturbed.

“What was that for?” Hermione asked breathlessly when they finally broke apart for air.

“Just making sure.”

“Of what?”

“That you’re still mine.”

“Silly,” Hermione smiled at him, “Of course I’m yours.”

Feeling a bit better now, Harry picked up his copy of the book before flipping back to the page he was on. Pointing out a particular section to Hermione, he was a tiny bit pleased to see that she wasn’t too happy about that part either.

“Let’s not keep us in suspense now!” called out Draco, “C’mon, read it out loud!”

“I can’t,” Hermione looked at Harry, “And I thought Ron speaking parseltongue was baffling but this one takes the cake!”

“And the bakery.”

Now Draco was getting impatient, so he went over and grabbed the book from Hermione, “So where it is?”

She wordlessly pointed out the paragraph.

“ ‘The house-elves, they’ll all be down in the kitchen, won’t they?’ ‘You mean we ought to get them fighting?’ asked Harry. ‘No,” said Ron seriously, ‘I mean we should tell them to get out. We don’t want anymore Dobbies, do we? We can’t order them to die for us-’ Running at Ron, Hermione flung her arms around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth.' ” At this point, a slightly nauseated expression appeared on Draco’s face.

“ ‘Ron threw away the fangs and broomstick he was holding and responded with such enthusiasm that he lifted Hermione off her feet. “Is this the moment?” Harry asked weakly, and when nothing happened except that Ron and Hermione gripped each other still more firmly and swayed on the spot, he raised his voice. “Oi! There’s a war going on here!’ Blech!” Draco grimanced as he finished reading out loud.

“That’s just-” Ron’s face was now bright red, “I didn’t even have time to snog Luna during that battle!”

“Honestly, I don’t even know what she bothered to include that bit,” Hermione said disdainfully, “Everyone knows that the house elves could have just apparated away if it got too dangerous!”

“What did she mean by more Dobbies?” Ginny asked.

“Well, in this version, Dobby dies after Bellatrix throws a knife at him.”

“Isn’t this just wonderful?” said Draco sarcastically, “My dear old aunt was a Champion Knife thrower but she just chose to AK everyone instead. What a waste of talent.”

000000000000000000000

After dropping Teddy off at the Quidditch field where the children had once more resumed their game, Remus and Tonks headed on towards the sitting room of Potter Manor.

To their surprise, every one of their former students seemed to be busy reading a thick book.

“I had no idea all you kids missed cramming for exams so much!” Remus said cheerfully as he strolled into room, followed by Tonks, “So, would this be for history of magic then?”

Ron looked at him in horror, “Don’t say such terrible things! There is no way I’d willingly pick up a book without a good reason!” He paused, “An exam is definitely not one of them!”

“As if we need a reminder of that,” Hermione commented dryly.

“I’m hurt, really.”

“I’m sure you are.”

“Remus! Tonks!” Harry gave them each a quick hug, “How have you been?”

“Fine, thanks,” Remus cast a critical eye at the books held by every single person in the room, “So what’s this then?”

Harry held up his copy and Tonks squinted at it, “Harry, is that history book about the end of the war?”

He shrugged, “It supposed to be, but there are a lot of mistakes in there. For example, I supposed to have three sprogs with Ginny, you and Remus got offed sometime during the Battle of Hogwarts and Molly took down Bellatrix single-handedly.”

Remus looked a bit put out, “Did they say who was responsible for my untimely demise?” he asked dryly.

“I don’t think so,” Hermione spoke up, “All we know is that you two supposingly died sometime during the Final Battle and then people found your…bodies, later on.”

“Pretty morbid,” Tonks looked at the book with some distaste.

“It’s okay Remus, I’m sure you died nobly in some horrible, gruesome death after taking out a couple hundred Death Eaters,” Ron said solemnly.

“Thanks…I think.”

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Sometime later…

“Ooh!” Draco smirked as he got to a particularly amusing part. “Potter, you never mentioned that you were taking drugs during your horcrux search.”

Harry looked at him as though he had grown a second head, “Malfoy, what are you talking about?”

Draco wagged a finger at him, “Oh, but you can’t fool me, my dear Potter. You must have forgotten to take your medication one day, there is no other possible explanation for this bullshit you’re spewing on page 378.”

Ginny just sighed, “Draco, can you please tell us which lines you’re referring to?”

“No problem.” Draco cleared his throat and started reading, “ ‘It was now that, Weasel Boy, uh, Ron was here again that Harry fully realized how much his absence had cost them. “She’s like my sister,” he went on. “I love her like a sister and I reckon that she feels the same way about me. It’s always been like that. I thought you knew.’ ”

Hermione just looked incredibly amused after hearing this.

Meanwhile, Harry was a bit slower on the uptake. He frowned, “So what’s your point? Ginny is like a sister to me!”

When Draco just gave him an incredulous look, Harry finally realized the point Draco had been trying to make.

“What the bloody hell?!” Harry leapt to his feet, “That author was insinuating that I said that Hermione was like a sister to me?!”

“Harry,” complained Ron, “That’s my line!”

Harry ignored him.

“I told you that you forgot your pills that day. Why, I had no idea you suffered from delusions this serious.” Draco made a tsk-tsk sound. “She’s like a sister to me,” Draco then said in a ridiculously high-pitched voice.

“My voice does not sound like that of a prepubescent girl!” Harry said crossly as Hermione pulled him back down onto the couch.

Draco blinked at him, “So you’re not refuting all the other things I just said?”

“Malfoy, I refuse to dignify that with an answer.”

“In that case…” Draco turned to Ginny, “Gin, love of my life, I just want you to know that you’re like a sister to me too.” Draco deadpanned.

“Prat,” Ginny said affectionately.

“In fact, if Potter and Granger are like siblings, then I guess I have no choice but to condone incest.” Draco waved a hand in Harry and Hermione’s direction, “Heaven knows those two have been in an incestuous relationship since fifth year.”

Harry didn’t look amused. “Oh shut up, you.”

Hermione just giggled, “It is kind of funny if you think about it.”

“Mione,” Harry turned to her, “I haven’t had a single brotherly-thought about you since fourth year.”

“Then what took you so long?”

“Oi!” Harry protested, “I was under a lot of pressure!”

“I was just teasing you,” Hermione leaned forward to place a quick kiss on his lips.

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Thanks for reading everyone! I don't know if there's enough material for a Chapter 4 though...I guess we'll see.

Oh and Chapter 2 of Curse of the Second Assistant has now been posted. Please check it out!