Going Against the Grain

cosmopolitan411

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 7
Published: 04/09/2007
Last Updated: 09/11/2007
Status: completed

COMPLETE:: AU: She had no family, she had no one to love, she was of the most desolate of people. One question, however, remained: could she perceiver or would her past just be too much? The story of the “wonderful” life of a Black.

Chapters

1. Irresolute Decisions

2. a walk down memory lane

3. untitled

4. meet the parents

5. confrontations & secrets

6. eureka

7. explanations

8. The Trouble with Evil

9. Amends, or Something Like It

10. Promises & Plans

11. let the fun & games commence

12. sometimes you just don't know

13. a break from the pattern

14. a final note (please review!)

1. Irresolute Decisions

Disclaimer: I think that I would shoot myself if before writing a 700 page book.

--

Summary: It wasn't supposed to be this hard. It was just a new school… but the fact that everyone hated her because of her name was making it increasingly harder for her… then of course there is the boy that she loved who won't give her the time of day. The story of the “wonderful” life of a Black.

--

Chapter I: Irresolute Decisions

--

She arrived at the school shocked by its massive size in comparison to Beauxbatons. Sure she had seen pictures of the school, but they did not do it justice. This was incredible. It truly was beautiful and she couldn't help, but be intimidated by its imposing figure. not to mention the fact that the rest of her family had attended this school. Before, no one knew who she was. She could be whoever she wanted to be, but now they had expectations. People had met her family in this school. People had heard of her. People would judge her, that fact was without a doubt.

Oh woe is me, for my parents are idiotic enough to send me to this hell whole, she thought to herself bitterly as she reminisced over the conversation that had took place regarding her enrollment into Hogwarts

--

“I'm not going to Hogwarts! I love Beauxbatons and I'm not about to leave it, you can't force me to go to Hogwarts!” she yelled at him stubbornly, standing her ground.

“I can't?” he asked her, laughing at her statement. “Who the hell pays for enrollment?! I dictate where you will attend, and you my dear will go to Hogwarts, mark my words on that.”

“Well then screw school, I won't go!”

“Oh you will,” he told her in a knowing voice.

“And why the hell would I ever do that?”

“Because if you don't I will make sure that that bloody mud blood of a friend of yours-”

“Her name is Alison,” she defended her friend.

“She's a mud blood either way, but if you don't I will make sure you regret it- on that wench's behalf,” he spat at her.

“Fine,” she told him through gritted teeth. “I'll go to Hogwarts, but you better no touch her or so help me-”

“Threatening me is not the way to go about it dear, why would I help you if you're just going to underestimate the extent of my chivalry?” he asked her with a sardonic gleam in his eyes, such a maniacal one that for the first time in her life she felt scared.

“Don't touch her!” she screamed at him, abandoning all reason, lunging towards him.

He caught her effortlessly, pinning her to the wall, holding her by the neck. “You don't have to love me or even like me, but you will respect me,” he roared at her. “If you don't want you little friend to be endangered in any way then stay away form her,” he told her before throwing her to the ground and leaving the room.

She picked herself off the floor once he left the room, trying to stop the tears making way. “Lily, be strong. Don't let him get to you,” she told herself, repeating the mantra that had been used so often in the past. Once she finally regained composure she went to her father's desk and took out a quill and piece of parchment from the drawer.

Alison,

I love you like a sister and you've been a great friend to me. There have only been two people whom I trusted enough to act as a confidant for me and thank you for being one of them, but I'm leaving. I have to go to Hogwarts and after tonight you have to promise me that you won't ever write or contact me again… just trust me on this, you know that I don't do anything without a reason.

I'll miss you,

Lily.

She opened the window and called out for her owl who quickly came to her, “hey Peep, bring this to Alison and don't wait for a response,” she told him as she attached the letter to his leg.

She stood there in front of the window, she watched her owl disappear, she watched a friendship dissipate.

--

All that just so I could finally live up to the family name…

“Ms. Black,” a voice interrupted her thoughts, “we should head to the Great Hall for your sorting. The first years have already begun theirs, and you shall go last.”

She nodded and followed the woman, apprehensive as to what would occur, especially regarding the house into which she would be sorted. She was well aware of the fact that that seemingly small decision would dictate the rest of her life and who she would become… it dictated the people that she would be surrounded by… it would make the difference between whether or not her cousin would finally accept her.

The large doors opened only to reveal four rows of tables with students sitting in clusters; she walked in to see a line of four small students standing before a hat that was placing them into their rightful houses.

That hat meant the world to her. Its decision would finally answer the question that she had been dying to know for the past week: if I end up ion Slytherine, what does that make me? What does that say about me? Will the hat put me into the house because it thinks that I'm like the rest of them?

If I make it into the house there's no avoiding my family…

An old man took the stage, gaining the attention of the entire hall. The authoritative figure (whom she immediately recognized as Albus Dumbledore) had a soft twinkle in his eyes that made her glad about her parents' decision (a first). “Well students, as you are all well aware, with every new year come new changes and additions. However, this year it will arrive in a different form. This year we have a new student, and I am proud to note that she has come from a long line of attendees of this school and many of her family members attend as well.” At that comment chatter erupted through out the hall as they tried to figure out which family Dumbledore could be referring to fore it was obviously a prominent one, “I can see that you are anxious to see who our new student is this year, so students I would like to present Lillian Audrey Black,” and with that statement he moved to the side so that the students could finally see her.

Gossip erupted throughout the great hall once again after that statement; the entire room was filled with questions and confusion. People were curious as to why she hadn't attended at an earlier age and just how bad was she? After all the Blacks didn't hold the most respectable reputation among much of the school's population.

“Silence,” Dumbledore said, and with that one word the entire hall became quiet (as per his request) “now we shall abide by tradition and begin with the sorting. Ms. Black please take a seat,” she did as she was told and he placed the hat upon her head.

“Nervous I see, very scared. Odd…”

“And why may I ask is that odd?” she asked the voice (i.e. the hat).

“You are scared of yourself rather than your family regardless of what they do to you… You fear the principles that you have been taught since you were young… You fear not being accepted by those that you love most, those that you respect…”

“I see a brilliance which would make you perfect for…”

“R-” he said aloud, but he quickly stopped himself, startling everyone. Even Dumbledore himself was disturbed by the development; he had never seen the hat indecisive when it came to its choice regarding a student's placement into a house.

“You have a strong mind. Based upon your lineage one would assume that you would be a perfect candidate for Slytherine, much like the rest of your family. You would definitely be useful and prosperous in that house. What do you think?”

She didn't reply. She wanted him to make his decision based upon what he knew, not her desires. He probably knew more about her than she did because of his ability to scrutinize and monitor the “inner workings” of her mind.

The hat chuckled, “I must say that I find it very fascinating that you are able to block the reason for your timidity at the moment. It takes much courage and power to do that, a person of such bravery would be a great asset to…”

“GRYFFINDOR!” the hat shouted and the entire hall erupted in cheers, minus that of the Black clan.

--

Lily ran into the arms of Carter Henry, the seventh year Gryffindor seeker and her best friend. He hugged her and spun her in the air, glad that she was finally with him.

As he set her down and she finally released him from her bone-crushing embrace he told her: “my Lilykins is officially stuck with me. This may be the proudest day of my life, your entering Gryffindor and all,” he told her as he wiped away a fake tear.

She slapped his arm before, laughing at his antics before sobering and drastically changing in mood. “He told me that I would do well in Slytherine,” she told her friend, still confused as to what that meant to her.

“And the hat was right, she would practically be their queen,” a voice said from behind them. They both turned only to see Lily's greatest fear. The one person whose standards she could never meet.

“Just because she would do well in Slytherine doesn't mean that she belongs there. Anyway, you should know as well as I do that they aren't all the scum of the earth, or do I need to remind you of your latest girlfriend? You really do maintain the Black image rather well, don't you?” Carter spat at the boy in her defense.

Sirius was shocked, a fact that was blatantly obvious from the expression upon his face, but he quickly regained control of himself and came right up to her. She looked at him, the fury was evident in his eyes, so powerful that she was almost scared, “You can't fool me,” he spat at her. “You're just like the rest of out family, and I know it, it's just a shame you got your ruddy claws into Carter.”

She couldn't let his words get to her; she wouldn't let him win, “based on your chivalry,” she said, the word was dripping with sarcasm, “I would guess that the only one that is really most similar them is you. You should really think about joining the welcoming committee.”

With those words she walked away, allowing Carter to lead her to the dormitories.

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2. a walk down memory lane

Chapter II: a walk down memory lane

--

Meet me in front of the shrieking shack.

Be there at 21:00.

Don't be late.

-your father

“Such severe words,” she noted with a sarcastic undertone as she reread the letter.

By the time she finally gave up her internal battle as to whether or not she should actually go to meet him it was already seven thirty, and she needed to be there in an hour and a half. She quickly exited the room and walked to the boy's dormitories in search of Carter's. When she finally found the room she made sure to knock on the door, remembering all the times that she had barged into Carter's room without making sure of whether or not he was in a decent state and the disastrous repercussions that always seemed to follow. Yet when the door opened the person who was on the other side came as a total shock to her.

They both stood there for what felt like hours, but was probably only a minute, just staring at on another. Both were at a total loss as to what to say.

He was the first to break the silence, but all that he could muster was one word, `Lily.' However, that one word was enough to send her through a whirlwind of emotions that brought back countless memories.

--

“OW!” Lily groaned as she hit the ground after colliding with a person as she was running to the quidditch store to meet up with Carter.

“I'm sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going. Here let me help you,” a handsome boy apologized to her as he extended his hand in an attempt to assist her, considering that she was currently sitting on the ground.

“It's okay. I'm clumsy anyway, and it was partially my fault,” she told the boy offhandedly (and as much as it may have defied the principals of feminism she knew that it was mainly because he was so handsome. She just couldn't resist).

“Well then at least allow me to make it up to you with some ice cream,” he offered with a heartbreaking smile that had been perfected to a T.

She knew that she had to meet Carter, but he was just so damn pretty, “okay, sure,” she told the boy.

“Carter can find some girl to snog if he gets bored,” she thought to herself in an attempt to justify the fact that she was ditching Carter.

“Great,” he smiled charmingly at her as he led her to a near by café.

--

They were sitting down and had already ordered when he said, “so, I just realized that I never got your name. I'm James Potter, and you are?”

She had been hoping that he was a muggle born so that he wouldn't know who her family was, but the Black name was infamous among pure blood families such as his.

“Lily Evans,” she told him. The lie had just slipped out, she hadn't even meant to give him a false name, but after she did she realized that she didn't want to correct herself.

She didn't regret lying to him, no matter how guilty she may have felt for doing it. She hoped that maybe now she might have a chance to get to know him without him judging her by her name or familial status.

The rest of the day was spent in each other's company, and both were enjoying it (a development which surprised them both considering that they had just met, but were so comfortable talking to one another). They just had fun, talking as friends.

--

One week later:

It hadn't become something more, they were just friends. Somehow it hadn't gone past that stage. She was well aware of the fact that she had feelings for him (which surpassed those of a platonic friendship), but she didn't want to risk her tentative friendship with him by owning up to the fact.

They were sitting watching quidditch (a spell which she found that could broadcast live television or sports event on a wall of your choice) when all of a sudden he broke the silence, “Lily?”

“Hmm?” she asked in a distracted tone, fully concentrated on the game in front of her.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Well those words are not usually a good combination,” she said as she turned off the game and gave him her full attention.

“Yeah, well in this case I hope that they will be,” he told her with a small smile while nervously ruffling his hair. “Okay, I guess that I should just own up to it, so I'll be blunt: I like you Lils.”

She looked at him; she was in a complete state of shock, in a total stupor. She had never actually expected him to reciprocate her feeling for him. She finally decided to take action after she saw the distress on his face once she didn't answer. She smiled as she said “well what should we do about that?” she coyly asked him as he slowly closed the gap with a smirk on his face before kissing her.

--

For two months they were constantly together. They always had fun with one another, they could talk about anything. However, she couldn't help, but be scared. She was well aware of the fact that she had to tell him who she really was. She didn't know how it had gone on for so long. How she had allowed it to escalate to that point. She had had sex with him, she had fallen in love with him (a feat in itself considering that she had always been weary of lackadaisical things such as love were concerned. But she had fallen hard for him, and the feeling was mutual), but he still didn't really know her.

Her name made her who she was; her history had molded her into the person that she had become. To really know her, he'd have to know who she was, why she was the way that she was. She knew that it was time to fess up... she had never felt this way before and she didn't want to risk jeopardizing it, it meant too much to her.

“James we need to talk,” she told him as they sat in the café drinking their butter beer and eating their ice cream.

“Sure what's up?” he asked.

“Um,” she hesitated. She examined the area around her, she was surrounded by people. She suddenly felt claustrophobic. She couldn't confess in a place like that, it needed to be in private or she couldn't go through with it. “Can we go somewhere else so that I can tell you? It's really important.”

James seemed hesitant at first, but rather then voicing his concerns he merely paid the bill before grabbing her and leading her towards a secluded alleyway. Once he brought her there he turned to her, “So you had something to tell me?”

“Okay, but first, you have to promise not to interrupt me.”

“Deal.”

“I'm not Lily Evans,” she blurted out with an uncharacteristic unease.

“Bu-”

“James, I said no interrupting,” she told him, hoping he'd understand why she needed him to let her speak without interruption at the moment. In response he nodded in understanding. However, she could see it in his eyes; it was obvious that he regretted ever agreeing to that condition. “My real name is Lillian Audrey Black.”

His eyes widened at the statement, his surprise was evident due to the expression upon his face. “Um, I have to go,” he quickly muttered before leaving. However, she could tell that he didn't mean it as just a momentary thing.

She stood there staring blankly at his retreating figure until it finally dawned upon her, it was really over.

He was officially out.

He'd left the relationship for good.

He'd left her for good.

--

She didn't hear from him the next day and knew that she probably wouldn't ever again, but she needed to tell him… to explain. She had to know that she had done everything in her power to save what they had had. She couldn't just give up.

Dear James,

I'm sorry…. I'm so sorry that I had lied to you, you deserved better than that and I can't deny that fact. I understand that there is no excuse for allowing the lie to go on for that long… or even coming up with it in the first place, but please, hear me out…

I guess that I did it because I was afraid that you would react badly if you found out (which obviously, I was right about). When you said that your surname was Potter I knew that you would know who my family was if I told you my real name and I just couldn't let that happen… I didn't want you to judge me based upon everything that you had heard about my family. I wanted you to get to know me first… I just didn't expect the lie to last that long… for once I wanted to be treated fairly, not feared or detested or whatever just because of my name. I wanted a real shot at something based solely on me and not my name. I know that you probably regret ever being in a relationship with me (I mean how much is a relationship worth if it was founded upon false pretenses, right?) But I still hope that you will reconsider ending it… I still love you.

Please respond James, even if it's to end it, I just want to hear from you. I miss you.

Love,

Lily.

--

His response had been short and monosyllabic, and that's what broke her hear the most.

“I'm sorry, but I just can't.

Bye, Lily.”

Those were the words that had ended the only real relationship that she had ever been in. He had been the first guy to ever be more than meaningless fun, more than a quick shag.

It was that moment that marked the birth of her irrepressible insecurities. The pint of no return at which they had been augmented to a point where she could no longer suppress them or the doubt in herself, her character.

On question haunted her: if James didn't believe in her, would anyone?

--

“Prongs! Who is it?” someone yelled from inside the dormitory, in turn, interrupting her from her walk down memory lane.

Author's note: I just wanted to thank everyone who reviewed yet again, even if there wasn't some large response, I'm so grateful for those of you who took the time to drop a word, it meant so much to me, and the comments that I received as far as the direction of the fic mean so much to me (because they help me make it even better)

p.s. I have a question, a poll of sorts. I have another fic as well, but I wanted to know whether you would rather I update this fic 2 times a week or I post another fic as well and post a chap of each once a week (please respond, I just want to know your opinion because I'm not the one reading it so I don't know how you'd prefer it to be played out)

p.p.s. I am in need of a beta at the moment, would anyone be willing to possibly take on the role?

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3. untitled

Chapter III: “in cahoots?”

--

Sirius appeared behind James and a disgruntled look quickly took the place of the smile he had been sporting before laying eyes upon her. His address towards her was short and curt, merely a simple, “oh, it's you.”

“Yeah, it's me. Now could you please tell me where Carter is?” she asked him, her voice void of any emotion, but trying to hide her heartbreak over the scene.

“He's in the shower. He should be done soon. He asked me to tell you to wait for him in here if you showed up,” a boy with sandy hair yelled in response from his bed where he was stiidying.

Lily pushed past the two boys which were blocking the entrance and gave her thanks to the boy who had relayed the message to her.

“So Lillian, how is the family?” Sirius asked her, stressing her name, as he seated himself on a bed that she could only assume was his own.

“Great,” she told him with false cheer. “You know, I heard some interesting stories about you during the summer,” she told him with a glare as she remembered the gruesome tales regarding Sirius that she had been told while her parents repeatedly expressed their disappointment in her and her life's choices during the summer.

Sirius' face darkened as realization dawned upon him. He lowered his voice and looked at her with such detest and hatred, “You wouldn't dare.” It was said with such a cruel, vile tone that he almost scared her reaction.

Almost.

“You seem to believe that I am capable of doing cruel things. In fact, if I remember correctly, you believe that I am more `devious' then the rest of the family… so enlighten me, according to your philosophy regarding my character, what would I do?” she asked him, daring him even though she knew that she wouldn't ever say anything to anyone about what had gone on that summer years go, it was too horrible and it obviously still haunted him to this day.

She couldn't do it, even if he was a total wanker and deserved it.

He glared at her and everyone in the room sat in an uncomfortable silence until she suddenly blurted out, “it always bothered me.”

Her change in demeanor occurred so rapidly that Sirius was shocked, for a second anyway. “What?” he asked her in a sardonic tone.

“The fact that you claim I am this seemingly vile person, but you never even really talked to me. You always rebuffed whatever attempts I made towards friendship, you constantly rejected me. So of course I have to ask who your sources are,” she asked him even though she was well aware of who they must be.

“I don't see why you would need to know. It doesn't even concern you.”

“You may want to be more careful about that Sirius. After all, you seem to have copious amounts of information, but you won't even reveal your sources. Hell, some might assume that you are actually the one that's in cahoots with the family.”

“In cahoots?” asked a mocking voice from behind her. “Lily, my dear, please tell me that you did not just say that. Of all terms, I beg of you! It might as well be sacrilege to use that word I tell you!” Carter exclaimed, bending down on both knees before her, in an overdramatic pleading manner. A smile took over the dangerous glare that she had just been sporting (in one Sirius Black's direction) as she looked at her best friend's playful antics.

“Get off the ground you bloody idiot,” the sandy haired boy told Carter as he slapped him upside the head with a grin of his own. Then he turned to Sirius, “so, Sirius, care to explain what all the fuss is about?”

“Oh yeah, you and James didn't come to dinner. Well that's Lily. My cousin Lily.”

She noticed how he put emphasis on the word “cousin” and saw how comprehension dawned upon the boy's face. However, she was still confused as to how he would know who she was if they had never even met prior to that evening.

Why would I even enter one of their conversations to begin with?

Did that have anything to do with why James had left her? After all, judging from that nickname Sirius had called James they were obviously close.

The boy stuck out his hand and introduced himself to Lily, “well I'm Remus Lupin. And that rude bum,” he pointed to James as he said that, “is James Potter. We're mates of Sirius'.”

She smiled at him, shaking his hand, “nice to meet you.”

“Remus, you may want to reconsider befriending her. She'll just betray you in the end,” Sirius advised his friend with a sneer directed towards Lily.

“Shut up black,” Carter snapped at the boy whom he had considered a friend at one point. “Don't you dare say anything to or about Lily. You don't even know her; you've only said about ten words to her before she arrived at this school.”

“Carter,” Lily interrupted him, trying to get his attention. “Carter, it's not worth it. Just let it go.”

Carter looked at her; the confusion was evident upon his face. He wanted to protect her, he needed to. He was all that she had, and he was well aware of the fact, which was why he felt so compelled to stand up for her. However, he also wanted to make her happy.

“Fine, just don't ever let me see you treat her that way again or she won't be able to stop me next time,” Carter warned Sirius with one final glare.

“Come on Carter, let's go,” she told him as she tugged on his arm, hoping to deviate from the conversation and be able to talk about what she had intended in the first place.

“Fine,” he muttered as he let her lead him out of the room.

--

Once outside of the Gryffindor common room he turned to her and asked, “So why did you need me?”

“My father wants me to meet him at nine o'clock outside the shrieking shack,” she told him.

His alarmed reaction was exactly what she had expected, “I need you to show me-”

“No- Lily, no! You can't Lils, you know why-” he exclaimed, trying to show her how ludicrous the idea was.

“I need to Carter. I want to. I can't be scared of him, I have to finally stand up for myself.”

“But-”

“If you don't show me how to get there I will just find someone else who will,” she told him stubbornly, her infamous red headed temper making way.

“Fine, but I am going to be at a nearby pub, and if you don't show up after half an hour, I'm going to come out to look for you to check if everything is okay.”

She smiled at his protective nature, truly finding it endearing. She relished the fact that she had someone who cared so much for her regardless of her familial status.

She hugged him and whispered in his ear, “I love you. You know that?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he told her in an annoyed tone, but she could tell that he was thankful for her words, that the reassurance of the fact was readily accepted.

“Come on,” he told her as he grabbed her hand and led her through various passages.

--

Hogsmeade:

“I have five more minutes until I have to meet up with him,” she told Carter as she checked the time on her watch.

He took her into his arms, pulling her into a tight embrace, “I don't want to lose you Lils.”

“I'll be careful. I promise.”

“It's not about that, and you know it as well as I do. Why are you putting yourself through this?” he asked her, clearly aggravated by her stubbornness. “He can hurt you Lils, and you know it. He wouldn't think twice about it, he's done it before and he will do it again. Why do you do this? Why do you go back?”

“I want to prove it to them, once and for all. I want to show them that no matter what they may tell the rest of the family regarding me. I am not one of them. I never will be.”

“Lils-”

“I know that you're scared… and I would be too if it were you that was in this situation. However, I need to do this for myself… If I don't, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.”

He looked at her, trying to come up with a compelling argument before he finally conceded, “promise me that this is the last time.”

She wanted to tell him that it was. She wanted to put his mind at ease. She wanted to give him that security, but she had never been able to lie to him throughout their entire friendship.

“I don't know.”

--

Author's note: thank you so much all of you who reviewed, it meant so much to me to receive some feedback. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed the chapter and I will try to update again soon!

p.s. as for the poll that I took lat time it appears as though I will be updating this fic two or three times a week until I finish it, and then I will start posting my next one rather then both being updated once a week each.

p.p.s. if there is anything that you would really like to see, or any questions (or any comments regarding anything about my fic, good or bad) feel free to relay them to me, I'd be more than glad to do my best to appease them (plus it'll help me with making this fic even better, I'm biased, can't critique it as well)

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4. meet the parents

Chapter IV: meet the parents

--

As she walked towards the shrieking shack after Carter had pointed her in the direction, she saw her father standing there. The mere image of the imposing figure standing at such a short distance from her somehow made her feel empowered.

A new feat for her, to say the least.

“Hi dad,” she greeted him, false cheer evident in her tone, making sure to always maintaining a cool demeanor in his presence.

Ignoring the pleasantries he raised an eyebrow in response, “care to explain why you were placed in Gryffindor Lillian?” daring her to lie, to ease his mind… to tell him that she wasn't a black sheep, a disappointment.

“Well the hat decided that I belonged in the house,” she coolly told him, acting completely indifferent to the hidden warning within his words.

“I've been through the ritual, and if you remember, I was inducted into Slytherine,” he told her as he roughly grabbed her by the front of her shirt, frustrated by her constant insolence. “I know the customs,” he gruffly told her, “I know the purpose of the hat, but I also know that it asks for your opinion as to what house you wish to be placed in. So, now would you care to explain?”

“When it asked which house I wanted to be in, I didn't say anything,” she told him coolly.

He slapped her, an abrupt and unexpected move on his part.

“You shouldn't have done that,” she told him, masking the pain, regardless of how much it hurt.

She wished that the amused expression on his face had surprised her because maybe then she would have had some hope for humanity within the Black family. However, his cruel, condescending, and taunting demeanor only helped amplify her hatred for him, a feat which she hadn't believed to be possible.

“And why shouldn't I have done that?” he asked her while strengthening his grip upon her shirt.

“Because I have leverage,” she stated simply, never losing her cool. It was all a game of cards, it didn't matter who had the better hand, but who could use it to their advantage; it was all a question of who had the better poker face.

He looked at her, confusion was evident in his eyes for a second before he regained control and masked it with his penetrating glare. However, she had seen it and that only made her feel even more in control over the situation, she had finally achieved in causing her father to lose his cool facade, no matter how short of a time span it may have been.

“And what leverage could you possibly have over me?” he asked her, laughing at her, mocking her, taunting her.

She smirked at him, living with Blacks had only assisted her in this situation (after all: “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer”). “You told the entire family that I am not really the `disgrace,' as you so kindly refer to me as in the confines of our own home… In fact you told them that I am some what of a prodigy, didn't you?” she asked him, well aware of the fact that she currently had the upper hand.

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Judging by your response, I take it that I am correct,” she smirked.

He slapped her yet again, however this time he made sure to utilize more strength. That one would definitely leave a mark. “I won't accept this- insolence on your part-”

As he made another attempt towards hitting her she grabbed his hand, the one that was not holding her by her shirt, but the one that had hit her. “Don't you dare touch me ever again,” she told him through gritted teeth.

He smirked at her, let go of her shirt, and somehow she just knew what was going to happen.

He raised his wand and uttered one fatal word, “crucio.”

She fell to the ground, the strength of the pain was unfathomable, but anger coursed through her veins. She wouldn't let him hear her scream in pain, she wouldn't give him the satisfaction, she couldn't forfeit and give him power over her.

She needed to prove that she wasn't one of them.

He hit her with the curse repeatedly, slowly increasing the pain, and with time she found it harder to resist the temptation, and soon everything went black.

“Lily!” she heard a distant scream.

Carter's appearance had startled her father, and he quickly disapparated, unaware of who was running towards his daughter.

Carter ran over to Lily and picked her up and carried her to the school as she passed out, all the while repeatedly muttering “stupid, bloody, stubborn, temperamental, lovable redheads!” while fear that she wouldn't be able to make it through this filled him.

--

Sixth year boy's dormitories:

“Thanks for your help mate. I know that it's not easy for you to help out given you being Sirius' mate and all, but-”

“It's okay. I don't mind. But, if you don't mind me asking, how did it happen?” she saw the sandy haired boy from before (who she had learned was Remus) ask Carter. All the while it was unknown to them that she had regained consciousness.

“I'm sorry-”

She interrupted Carter, “we all have our secrets, Remus, and some are better to be kept that way,” she told him with a smile.

Startled and frazzled by her intrusion into their conversation Carter recovered with a smile. “You're awake,” he whispered, relief obvious in his tone.

“Of course! I couldn't possibly leave my dear Carty-Poo to fend for himself, now could I?” She turned her attention to the other boy, “thank you Remus. It was really kind of you to go to the trouble of helping me out like this. I must say, your work is impeccable,” she told him as she admired how he was able to heal her so efficiently without any proper training.

“It's okay,” he told her with a sweet, reassuring smile. “I wanted to test out some of those healing spells anyway.”

With his patience wearing thin Carter turned to his friend, “hey Remus, do you think that you could give us some privacy? There's something really important that Lily and I need to talk about.”

“Sure,” he said as he let himself out of the room.

Carter turned to Lily, a scowl marring his face, “you knew that he was going to do that didn't you?”

Lily sighed, knowing that she shouldn't be surprised as to how perceptive Carter was as far as her troubled relationship with her father went. “Yeah, I knew that there was a strong possibility.”

Carter pulled at his hair, trying to relieve himself of his anger and frustration with her, “Merlin Lils! I knew that it was bad, but I had no idea that it went that far!”

“I'm sorry… you know for not telling you.”

“I'm sorry, that's all you have to say for yourself?! Lils you almost died! Why would you do something so stupid?”

“I'm sorry. I really-”

“You don't get it. Do you, Lils?” he asked herself as he laughed at her ignorance. “I could have lost you! You- the fucking most important person in the world to me! Why-- why can't you understand that it's not just you against the world? I'm there too; if you fail I'll go down with you-”

Tears were streaming down her face as she listened to his rant, “Carter, don't-”

Her regret didn't have the same effect in him as it usually did, even with her standing in front of him crying his anger hadn't dissipated. “Don't make myself part of your problems?! Is that what you wanted to tell me?-- Lils, you can't really be trying to tell me that, can you? You can't really be so stupid as to assume that that line would work on me of all people. I have been part of your problems for years now. You don't want to admit it, but you need me. You're stubborn as hell, and you don't want to acknowledge to the fact that you need me just as much as I need you because god forbid you come off as weak for once in your fucking life.-- You're so delusional and you don't even see it, when it comes to your family you are weak Lils. It's nothing to be ashamed-”

“Yes, it is something to be ashamed of!” Lily cried, “Weakness won't ever help me. I have to be strong.”

His face softened, as much as he wanted to be mad at her, the one thing that he could never handle was watching her when she tried to lie to herself. It always surprised him how under such a hard and strong exterior was just an innocent, scared girl trying to protect herself. “Why can't you see that you have me? Why isn't that ever enough?” he asked her as he scooped her up in his arms and held her as she cried.

“I'm afraid, I don't want to lose you like I've lost other people, I don't want you to stop lov-”

“Don't- don't ever say that again! I could never stop loving you. It just won't happen Lils, I promise. As for your father, he could never push me away from you, I promise. You're it for me girl, I need you.”

She finally smiled, a weak one, but it was still a smile. “So I guess that I am stuck with you then?”

“Yep, and the best part is that you won't be able to get rid of me.”

“Well then I guess that I should tell you what happened.”

“That would be wise.”

--

Author's note: so there you have it, the latest chapter, I hope you enjoyed it.

Please review, it would mean so much to me.

-->

5. confrontations & secrets

Chapter V: confrontations & secrets

--

Gryffindor common room

2 a.m.

Throughout her first week at Hogwarts she had quickly become aware of the social hierarchy in the school, particularly the Marauders' standing, more like control over it. Carter immediately explained the fierce friendship between the four boys, but in her opinion something about it just wasn't right. It just didn't seem to fit.

She couldn't sleep. It was bothering her. Why does Peter look so familiar? She asked herself as she sat on the chair in the common.

“Hey,” a voice interrupted her from her reverie of thoughts, and as she looked up she was shocked to see who it was, as well as the fact that he had actually acknowledged her presence.

“Hi James, can't sleep?” she asked him with a slight smile, well aware of his inability to sleep through thunderstorms.

“Not at all, I laid in bed for hours trying to though.”

“Me too,” and with that they fell into an awkward silence that was pestering both of them. “Can I ask you something?” she finally blurted out.

“Sure,” but his uncertainty regarding whether or not he actually wanted to have the inevitable conversation was undeniable.

Lily paused, contemplating whether or not she really wanted the answer to the question that had been constantly pestering her since the two had ended things. “I know that it's supposed to be this like unwritten rule for us not to talk about it and all, but—oh fuck, I'm rambling again, aren't I? I guess I just wanted to ask about when I told you that I was a Black, did you break up with me because I lied to you or because of what Sirius had told you about me?”

He nervously ruffled his hair with his hand, obviously uncomfortable, “a little bit of both I guess.”

Lily averted her gaze from him, focusing it on the fire so he wouldn't see her reaction to his confession. She knew that it was to be expected, but actually having him vocalize those sentiments was a whole new level of pain that she hadn't been prepared for. “Do you really believe what Sirius had told you?”

“Lils, you have to understand the situation I was in. I mean what was I supposed to believe? It was either Sirius, who I have know and been best friends with for years, or you, a girl who I may have loved, but still had only known for two months. Which one was the safer bet?-- Seriously, had you been in my shoes, what would you have done?”

“Well that one summer was more time then Sirius ever spent with me, combined. Okay, I have one more question: why couldn't you make the decision for yourself?”

“I di-”

“Don't lie to me. You were scared, scared of Sirius” reaction. “Man up and just admit it Potter,” she told him, her tone never showing any angry sentiments, but just disappointment in him.

“Lils he's my best friend, if I can't trust him then who can I?”

She smiled sadly at him, “obviously not me,” she told him quietly as she walked away, ignoring his calls and pleads for her to return so that he could explain.

--

Great hall

Breakfast:

“How do I know him?” she asked herself repeatedly as she stared at the chubby boy that was currently eating with the rest of the marauders.

“Hey, why are you staring at Peter Pettigrew of all people?” Carter asked her as he appeared behind her. “Do you have some odd new fetish for ugly, fat boys that have the mental capacity of a rock?” he teased her.

“Ha-ha, very funny. And for your information, in case you need verification you pervert, no. There's just something about him… it's as though I have already met him or have seen him before. I just don't know from where.”

“Who knows,” he shrugged, not particularly interested in the topic anyway. “By the way was it really necessary to hex Sirius so that whatever he put on would turn pink? He tried it with one of my shirts and now I need to find a way to change it back,” Carter pouted.

“That's bloody genius. I wish I had thought of it,” she told him as she overdramatically admired the handiwork of the spell, while Carter just gave her a pointed stare. “Why ever would you assume that I could be capable of such a thing?” she asked as she feigned innocence.

Carter merely cocked an eyebrow in response to her question, finding no need to voice his reasons for his doubt.

Lily groaned at his response, “Ugh, you take the fun out of everything, Carter. Why do you have to be so all-knowing?”

Carter smugly grinned at her, “what can I say? It's a talent.”

--

Seventh year girls' dormitory

As soon as she entered the room everyone started whispering to their companion. Lily just decided to ignore it and lay down on her bed and began reading.

“You're not welcome here,” a voice told her, and when she looked up she saw none other than Diana Moore.

“Excuse me? I do believe that this is my dorm as well.”

“Not any more as I said, you're not-”

“Welcome here,” Lily interrupted, “yes I understood that part. Now may I ask why?”

“Because we don't associate ourselves with lecherous, backstabbing bitches,” Diana responded before turning away and returning to her friends in the corner of the room.

At that point only one name ran through Lily's mind.

Sirius.

--

Seventh year boy's dormitory:

Lily stormed into the room, shocking all of the boys who were currently inside.

“You told them to stay away from me?” she yelled at Sirius, advancing toward him with wand in hand.

Sirius although shocked by her reaction didn't appear the slightest bit afraid of the silent threat that her wand proposed. “Of course I did. Someone had to warn them.”

“Padfoot come on. That was taking it way too far,” Remus said.

“What the hell have I ever done to you?!” yelled an overly emotional Lily as tears slowly began to fill her eyes.

“Well-”

“Don't—don't you dare even try to justify your actions! You've never even talked to me before I came here. For years I tried so hard to get to know you, to get your attention, to become your fucking friend, but you listened to them of all people! You listened to all of those rumors rather than even bothering to get to know me.”

“Don't try to sound so innocent, Lillian,” he said her name with such venom and distaste. “You're the prodigy. You're the perfect Black daughter. I'd be an imbecile to ignore that!”

“no, you're not an imbecile Sirius, instead you're just a jackass,” she told him through gritted teeth before leaving the room in order to keep herself from doing any bodily damage to him (which she probably would do if it weren't for the looming threat of being expelled should she act on those impulses).

--

She'd never had to go through something like this before, sure people had hated her before, she was a Black, it's impossible to be like by everyone when you bear that name, but being ostracized by the entire school was so much more difficult than she had ever imagined.

There were the “Sirius Fanatics,” who had an unparallel loyalty to the fool that she called her cousin, naturally they abhorred her and tried to make her life a living hell. In one week Lily had learned more defensive spells than one person should ever be forced to become acquainted with. She had hexed more people than she ever had in her life prior to coming to the school.

Then there were the “blood fanatics”(primarily composed and led by names such as Malfoy and Black) who no longer deemed her worthy because she had told them to fuck off when they offered their company to her.

She had never expected life to be easy at Hogwarts, she had never deluded herself into thinking that it could measure up to what she had had at Beauxbatons, but she had never thought that it'd be so terrible.

It wasn't even so much the fact that they hated her, she could live with that, she was used to that, after all, she'd gotten an early lesson on that from Sirius. What hurt was that she never even given a chance.

“Oy, Lils,” Carter called out to her, waking her from her reverie. “Have you seen Remus, I need help with some homework.”

“He said he had to go visit his mum.”

“Odd, his mum seems to always be coming down with something. Poor bloke has to visit her all the time to check up on her,” Carter commented. “I think I'm going to head up to bed, don't stay up too late Lils, get some proper rest. Anyway, night.”

“Okay, night,” she told him with a smile, before turning to back to the window. It was then that she noticed something, looking down at the beautiful lake, observing the entire scene, it was just magnificent. The full moon was what made it all so picturesque.

Lily's eyes widened as she processed what she had just thought to herself.

No way.

--

1 month later:

(November):

She finally had it. She knew that she didn't have to, but she wanted to. After she had found it in a book, (an extremely rare one that took her two weeks to finally track down) she knew that it was perfect and after a week of practice and numerous trials she had finally perfected it.

She walked into the boys' dormitory with a box in her hands.

“Carter's in the bathroom Lily,” James told her as he walked towards his bed.

“Oh thanks,” she told him, still slightly uncomfortable with being around him given their history. She redirected her attention to Remus. “Hey Remus, I actually have something that I have to give you,” she told him as she handed him the package.

“Okay, hair is styled and perfected, now I'm officially ready to-” Carter said as he walked out of the bathroom, but he was interrupted by Sirius.

“He doesn't need anything from you,” he told his cousin through gritted teeth.

“As one of his best friends, you probably should be recommending that he takes it,” she coolly responded. She then turned to her best friend, “let's go. I don't want to be late for the party.”

“Okay,” he nodded; glad to get her away from Sirius.

“Lils,” Remus called out after her. Lily stopped and turned around to face him. “Thank you.”

Lily smiled, “open it before you go thanking me.”

As soon as they left James asked the question that was on everyone's mind, “what do you think is in it?”

“Only one way to find out,” Remus told him as he opened the box. The first thing that he noticed was a note.

--

Dear Remus,

I had to find a way to thank you, what you did just meant so much to me that I couldn't let it go unacknowledged. Last month I found the perfect opportunity when I realized your secret about your lycanthropy.

I found this a while ago and remembered it once I realized, it's a pretty ancient potion (or at least the book in which I found it in is). Anyway it's supposed to “assist in reducing the amount of pain when you transform during your lycanthropy and makes you more `docile'” (sounds like I am referring to a dog, I know, but that was the book's description). In the box is about six months worth of the potion, so when you are about to run out just tell me so that I can make another batch for you (it takes a month to prepare).

Once again, thank you,

Lily.

P.S. don't worry; your secret's safe with me—you're not the first person I've met with that has to go through this ever month. And just so you know, I didn't tell Carter.

P.P.S. at the bottom of the box is a copy of how to make the potion and directions as to how you have to use it.

--

“What did you do for her?” James asked curiously.

“She got into some trouble, and Carter brought her here, so I helped heal her.”

Sirius looked at him, shock evident on his face, “why would you help her?”

“You didn't see her Sirius. She was really beat up.”

“Who did it?” James asked.

“I don't know. She wouldn't tell me.”

“She probably got it fighting alongside Bellatrix, Regulus, and the rest of the lot,” Sirius sneered.

“Sirius, will you just stop it,” Remus snapped at his best friend. “You don't even know her, ho-”

“You don't know them Remus. They're all just manipulative bastards, and she is no different. Look at how she already has you wrapped around her finger,” Sirius told Remus before leaving the room.

“Forget him,” James told Remus once Sirius was out of earshot. “He may be a good mate of mine, but even I can finally admit to the fact that he's an idiot as far as Lily is concerned.”

“You can?” Remus looked at him doubtfully.

“Yeah, after finding out that he never really spoke to her before telling us those stories about her, you can't really pay much heed to his advice as far as he's concerned.”

“To tell you the truth, I would have thought you'd be too loyal to see reason. I mean, I love you as a mate and all, but you're easily blinded by your loyalty. You look at it as just black and white, right and wrong a lot of the time, you never let there be a grey area… it's just kind of shocking that you're making an exception for Lily.”

James smiled at his comment, nervously running a hand through his hair. “Yeah, well sometimes you have to realize that everything you hear may not be true. Sometimes you have to rely on instincts, experience.”

“Why do I have a feeling that there's something that you aren't telling me?” Remus asked him, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Because there is.”

“Out with it then.”

“I dated Lily during the summer.”

Remus just stared at him; to say that he was shell shocked by the confession was an understatement to say the least. “You- when- what about Sirius?”

“Well I didn't know she was that Lily then.”

“How can you not know that? Her last name is Black, what more do you need?”

“She introduced herself as Lily Evans… I had absolutely no idea who she was for the two months that we dated. Obviously, when I found out who she was I broke it off.”

Remus sat quietly next to James for a while. He sat there just staring at his friend, observing him, contemplating what he had just revealed to him before asking, “You love her don't you?”

“How did you know?” James asked, seemingly unsurprised by his friend's perceptiveness.

“I can read you like a book James. You may date other girls, but it finally makes sense why you haven't seemed happy since you got back this year… you love her. The only problem is that you're too bloody loyal for your own good; you're so loyal that you're scared.”

“What do you mean? I'm not scared,” James asked him, his ego bruised and baffled by the statement.

“Even though you love her you won't protect her… convince Sirius to rethink everything. And the worst part is that Sirius would listen to you-”

“Remus, I just can't.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm confused as well… I broke up with her because I thought that he might be right-”

Remus looked at him with such distaste that it made James feel as though he was biggest wanker to grace the earth, “do you honestly think that she is evil? Lily of all people?!”

“No… I even still love her… everything about her. But that doesn't change the fact that I would lose Sirius if I was with her, and no girl is worth losing your best friend. You know that as well as I do.”

“Then don't be with her, just tell him that she is a good person. Tell him to talk to her, if not for me then for her sake, because James, I have to tell you, there is a fine line between being loyal and just being a coward, and you've passed it. here's your chance to rectify that.”

-->

6. eureka

Chapter VI: eureka

--

“Okay, you're seriously starting to scare me. I mean, you're staring at Peter of all people! Has your taste in guys really been degraded to that level?” Carter asked her with distaste, in turn interrupting her from her thoughts.

“There is something familiar about him; I just can't seem to be able to put my finger on it,” Lily told him, never taking her eyes away from the boy who was currently staring at James in awe as he told some story.

“Where could you possibly have met him? He never goes to professional quidditch games or to parties and those were the only things that you ever did outside of your house when you in England during your breaks.”

“I told you I don't know, didn't I?” annoyed by his pointing out the futility behind her logic.

“Whatever, don't fret about it too much. Second you stop thinking about it you'll remember, it always happens like that.”

“True,” she smiled at his logic.

“So, what's with you and James? You promised me you'd tell me the story behind the two of you, but you never made good on it,” Carter asked curiously.

Lily just rolled her eyes at him, “you're such a gossip girl.”

--

“Hey Lils,” she heard someone call from behind and turned to see Remus running towards her (with Sirius and James trailing behind, obviously curious as to what was going on).

“Hey Remus,” she greeted him before lowering her voice and asking, “How did it go last night? Did the potion work?”

“Wow, one question at a time Lils,” he teased her, “and yeah, it was great. That was actually why I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to thank you.”

She couldn't believe that she was blushing when he said that, she never did that, “I had to repay you in some way and that was the best thing I could think of.”

“Well it meant a lot to me. Especially the fact that you didn't have any qualms or anything with my `furry little problem.'”

“Furry little problem?” she asked him, amused by his description.

“Yeah, James came up with it, thought that there should be some better way to describe it than all the terms available.”

“It's cute,” Lily laughed.

“Thanks, anyway, James and Sirius are waiting for me so I should; probably go, but I'll see you in class later.”

“Okay, bye.”

--

“Hey James, I need to ask you something,” she said once she came up to him.

“Um, sure Lils, ask away,” he told her, but she could see that he was obviously as uncomfortable as she was.

“It's about Peter,” he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, obviously never having expected for her to ask a question about a boy who she had never even spoken to. “I know that this might sound weird, but I really can't tell you why I am asking. Did you spend any time with Peter during the summer?”

“No, none of us did. He was visiting some distant family member or something like that.”

“Okay, thanks,” she smiled before walking away.

“She is a weird girl, isn't she?” Remus asked as he walked up to James.

“That does not even begin to cover it, mate.”

“Got to love her.”

--

“I know where I met Peter,” she told Carter as she ran up to him after his Quidditch practice.

“Where?”

“He stayed with my family during the summer break.”

“But Peter was-”

“Visiting some distant family member? Yeah, I heard that one too, he lied. I don't know why they need him or even want him, but I am so going to find out.”

“Aren't you going to tell Remus, James, or Sirius about your little discovery? They might appreciate the warning.”

“Can't. Not until I find proof, you know that Sirius won't believe me otherwise.”

“He might. You never know,” Carter shrugged.

“You're friends with him, and that's cool with me. I know that you want to be positive as far as he goes, but he's friends with you, not me.”

“He might surprise you Lils.”

“It's take a miracle for him to trust me. I'll just wait until I have some concrete evidence.”

“Your choice, but they deserve to know.”

“They will. Now go shower, you stink,” she told him with a wink before walking away.

--

Great hall:

Breakfast:

“Good morning `ole chap,” she teased as she walked up to him.

“That is not funny,” Carter pouted.

“Oh, I beg to differ.”

“It is not fair! Bloody wanker, how could he say that? I mean seriously, why did the little kid call me an old man? - Oh Merlin! Am I one of those weird people? You know, those victims of premature aging?!”

She just laughed, “I don't think it's possible to be vainer than that. Now how about you tell me why you are here so early?”

“They always run out of chocolate chip pancakes by the time I get here. This is me rectifying that dilemma.”

“How logical of you. Are you sick Carty-Poo? That actually sounded smart, something must be wrong with you,” she teased him as she took a bite from his pancakes.

“Oy! Those are mine; get your fingers away from them! As for the other comment: shut up. You are always so cruel to me.”

“I love you too.”

“Hey isn't that your owl?” Carter asked while pointing to a rather uncoordinated owl that soon made contact with their table… sadly it was head first.

“Yep, that is definitely Posty.”

“I cannot believe that you named him Posty.”

“Well he carries the post, so the name suits him well.”

“You're an idiot.”

“This is coming from the boy that thinks he is a victim of premature aging,” she told him as she gave her owl some food before taking the note that was attached to his leg.

--

Why didn't you tell me that your cousin was associated with a werewolf? You were aware of the fact, but failed to mention it. Care to explain?

Lillian, your are a smart girl, there is no denying that fact, but don't be too presumptuous as to your powers, I will not accept such insolence. Be sure to remember that fact.

-your father

--

“How does he know that Remus is a werewolf?” Lily asked herself. “Only three people other then me know… Peter! He is the only one that could have told them.”

She quickly got up and kissed Carter on the cheek as she said a quick good bye and ran towards the Gryffindor dormitories, all the while ignoring Carter's calls.

--

7th year boy's dormitories:

As she walked into the boy's dormitories James had just walked out of the shower and only had a towel on.

“Oy!” he yelled, while making sure that the towel was in place.

“Relax, you don't have anything that I haven't seen before,” literally, she added to herself, while James just blushed at the memories.

Lily just turned to Peter, “Peter, just the boy I was looking for. How are you?”

Peter looked petrified, obviously shocked by the amount of attention that he was receiving, “I am fine, you?”

“I have to be honest, not so good. Actually I have a question for you.”

“Um, okay?”

“Could you quit interrogating him? You are scaring him!”

“Oh Sirius, how nice of you to join us. Actually you might want to listen to this.” At that comment she received very confused looks from everyone in the dormitory. “Just don't interrupt the conversation again,” at those words she redirected her attention to Peter. “Now Peter, I have to admit, I am a bit confused. I feel as though I have met you before, have I?”

“No,” said the wide eyed boy in a pitiful voice.

“Really, but I could swear that I had met you before I came here.”

“Oh, well maybe you saw me at a party.”

“No, I am pretty sure that the parties that I go to aren't your scene care to try again?”

“Peter,” Remus said, “what is she getting at?”

“Very good question Remus. Would you like to answer his question Peter, or should I?”

-->

7. explanations

Chapter VII: explanations

--

“Peter,” Remus said, “what is she getting at?”

“Very good question Remus. Would you like to answer it Peter, or should I?”

He remained silent, “okay, I guess that I will then. Peter here,” she said as she harshly patted the boy on the back, making him wince in pain. “Was staying with my family during the summer break. Particularly in the company of your father as well as mine Sirius, weren't you Peter?”

James and Remus looked as though they were about to maul Peter, but Sirius appeared indifferent. “I don't believe you, this is just another fucked up ploy to play with our minds. You really are worse then them.”

“Sirius just hear her out, I don't like this either, after all it's about our, but there has to be a reason why she's telling us. Just listen to her, give it a chance,” James said.

“No James, let him, he is like this every other day, why should this be different?” she turned her attention to Sirius, “you are an ass whole you know that? How do you think that my father knows about Remus' lycanthropy? Only four people other than him know and I didn't tell him. So who else could it be? James? The one that lives by his little code of loyalty towards you guys, it's all that he believes in so it's doubtful that he's the one,” she said, ignoring the double meaning behind those words on her part. “And then there's Remus who would never admit to the fact, even if he was associated with them because he is too ashamed of it,” Remus blushed at the truth behind the statement. “Then there is you. Sirius, my cousin, you may be stupid and naïve, but I can't deny the fact that you are unbelievably loyal to Remus and would never do that to him. So the last one left is Peter, the weak one.”

“And what about you? You knew as well,” Sirius asked, demanding an explanation.

“Because chances are that you will see me in the hospital wing for unknown reasons because wasn't the source rather then Peter,” she told him angrily, not processing what she had said and regretting the words as soon as she had said them.

Realization dawned upon Remus, “wait, that's why you-”

Lily sighed, “yeah, Carter didn't know what to do since he would have to give the nurse an explanation and the boy is the worst liar ever. So he came to you.”

“How long?” James quietly asked her and when she looked up at him she was shocked by the look in his eyes, he was absolutely furious.

“That's beside the point James,” as she said that she saw Peter getting up to leave the room. She quickly grabbed him, “you aren't thinking of leaving, are you Peter?”

He turned to her, his face contorted in pure, unadulterated fury, “you're a disgrace you know?” He spat in her face. “After everything that your parents said about you I thought you would be so much more, but you only met half of my expectations. I mean, sure, you're brilliant; there's no doubt about that. You can wrap people around your little finger, just look at Remus and Carter, but you know what your problem is? You're such a weak person, no bravery at all. You always need someone to save you because you're too pathetic to help yourself for once.”

She saw that Remus and James were about to mangle him, but she stopped them by quickly putting up a soundproof barrier up between them and her and Peter, “and who do you consider to be brave Peter?” she asked him, taunting him in the manner in which she laughed at his words.

“Your father.”

“The man that would use an unforgivable curse on his own daughter?”

“Emotional detachment,” he stated simply, smirking at her.

“Of course, you know all about that, don't you? It's how you justify your own betrayal.”

“natruall-” but in the middle of his statement she hexed him.

“Ugh, I've been dieing to do that forever. How are you not ashamed of yourself?”

“You're going to have to learn to pick the winning side Black.”

He shocked her with his reply and just when she started to think hat she had underestimated the little bugger she saw something. Her key, the fear in his eyes, poorly hidden behind his false front. She smirked at him tauntingly, changing her M.O. in a second, “Peter, you want to pick the winning side? Okay then, you have one chance to keep your life.”

“What are you talking about, what the hell could you possibly do to me?” he asked her, but the fear was undeniable, he was breaking.

“You and I both know that I am capable of doing an unforgivable, and since I am a Black my family would find a way to persuade people from convicting me for whatever I might do to you. Now here is what you will do in return for you life. You have to tell me everything that you told my family or anyone associated with the dark arts. And be aware that I will double check this information, I have the resources. I can promise you that if you lie it will be a painful death.”

“Okay,” he nodded in fear; his brave front had quickly waned throughout her speech.

He told her everything.

As soon as he finished she turned to see a furious James, Remus, and Sirius. “Control yourselves boys,” she told them with a grin, taking down the barrier.

James and Remus tried to calm themselves down, leaving it to her. Sirius, on the other hand was livid. “cont-” he screamed, but she had quickly placed a silencio spell upon him before redirecting her attention to Remus and James. “How much is that out of everything that he knows? Are there any more vital secrets?”

“There are a few more things that weren't mentioned,” Remus told her.

“Are you sure that there wasn't anything else that you revealed Peter?”

He shook his head furiously in an attempt to convince her that he had been truthful throughout his confession.

“Very well, you're safe,” she told him and noticed that he visibly relaxed at her statement.

“Can I leave now?” he asked in a meek voice.

“Just one second,” she said right before stunning him. Lily turned to the boys, “its okay, the barrier is down. Um,” she said, thinking of what to do next. “Remus, any chance you know how to cast an obliviation charm?”

“Yeah, sure,” he told her catching onto what she wanted him to do.

“Just make sure that you don't erase everything, just whatever's a `marauder secret' and what just happened,” she directed him.

“Okay, done,” he told her as he put away his wand.

“Good, uh, he's probably going to be zonked out for a few hours so you are going to have to talk to Dumbledore about him, if you explain the situation to him, I'm sure that he'll understand,” she rambled, trying to collect her thoughts. “Oh I knew I was forgetting something-- Sirius, I took off the silencing charm a while ago so you can berate me now if you'd like.”

Sirius looked at her, taking a deep breath, sucking in his pride, “I still don't trust you, but you did a good job back there. Thank you,” he told her stiffly, before leaving the room.

The surprise was evident upon her face. The last thing that she had expected was a compliment, “thanks,” she quietly whispered to his retreating figure, well aware of the fact that he probably hadn't heard her.

“Do you think that he was lying?” James asked.

“Who, Peter? No, he has no backbone. He cares too much about himself to bother with loyalty. Don't worry. Anyway, I erased his memory as far as you three are concerned; you don't have to worry about him saying anything else.”

“Thanks, for everything, we couldn't have done any of it without you,” James admitted, still trying to process everything that had happened, cope with the betrayal.

James picked up an unconscious Peter and called for Sirius to help carry Peter to Dumbledore's office.

--

Once Sirius and James were out of earshot Remus turned to Lily and said, “There is something that I want to ask you Lils, and now that we are alone it just makes sense to ask.”

“Fire away,” she could tell that it was serious; the inner conflict over whether or not he really even wanted to know was evident upon his face.

“Would you have really killed Peter if he didn't tell you, or you later found out that he lied?”

“Remus,” she sighed, all the while asking herself: Why hadn't I expected that question? “You have to understand something-”

-->

8. The Trouble with Evil

Chapter VIII: The Trouble with “Evil”

--

(Previously):

Once Sirius and James were out of earshot Remus turned to Lily and said, “There is something that I want to ask you Lils, and now that we are alone it just makes sense to ask.”

“Fire away,” she could tell that it was serious; the inner conflict over whether or not he really even wanted to know was evident upon his face.

“Would you have really killed Peter if he didn't tell you, or if you later found out that he lied?”

“Remus,” she sighed, all the while asking herself: Why hadn't I expected that question? “You have to understand something…”

“…to do an unforgivable you have to have this hatred- this passionate, unadulterated hatred in you that you just feel compelled to exercise on something. It's not so much a means of liberating yourself from the hatred as it is to utilize it to empower you, make you feel in control. After that it just grows within you because the tricky thing is, it gives you this deluded sense of control, but the thing with hatred is, you can't ever control it, it's just too strong if you manage to actually feel like that. That's why it's so rare to escape it, although some can,” she said as she thought of Sirius.

“I guess that the only question now is whether or not you have the hatred to go through with it,” he said not really looking at her for fear of the fact that he'd be pushing the boundaries too much with that question since Lily was such an introverted person.

“Kind of wounded my ego there for asking that one,” she smiled. “But no, I couldn't even if I wanted to. What I said to Peter, it was just a bluff. I know the rumors that go around about me, my father always claimed that I had done it before, I just used that as leverage.”

“I don't get it, if you despise them so much why do you stay with them?”

“Few friends are by your side when you have a family like mine, either they leave you or my family finds a way to end the relationship. Then there's the fact that I'd have to explain why I want to stay with the friend. Not to mention, few know about it all; Carter is the only one, other than you, that I totally trust and actually told about the situation, you're the only two to stay with. Carter's parents, however, weren't as accepting, they aren't that fond of my lineage, not that I can blame them, but that also leaves me with no place to go.”

“Stay with me,” Remus suddenly offered, appearing extremely excited by the prospect.

The offer had shocked her it was totally unexpected, and she was touched by it. “Remus, I appreciate the offer, it means so much to me, but I can't. You're from a pure blooded family that isn't connected with the dark arts, don't you see a pattern there that would make me unwelcome?”

Remus smiled as he threw an arm over her shoulder, “Lilykins, when will you understand that I'm friends with Sirius as well. Where do you think he was last summer?”

“Oh, I thought that he always stayed with James.”

“He usually does, but last summer James had to stay with an aunt because his parents, they're Aurors, had a mission. So what do you say?”

“I'd love to.”

“Now all I have to do is convince Sirius to stay as well.”

“Shut up, bloody wanker.”

“You know that you love me Lily-Billy.”

--

“Hey, Sirius! Wait for me!” James yelled as he ran to catch up with a seething Sirius, Peter's body levitating after him.

“Why did she have to be right?” he asked through gritted teeth.

“Sirius, don't blame it on her. I mean you said it yourself; if it wasn't for her the whole thing wouldn't have been handled nearly as well. Plus if she didn't tell us about it who knows what else your family would have found out.”

“I know,” he said as he sat himself on the bench near by. “I guess that it doesn't matter anyway, the only reason that she even did it was because Remus saved her life and she didn't want to be `indebted' to him, or something like that.”

James looked at him incredulously, “Sirius, shut up. You're an idiot sometimes, you don't know her, you just know some rumors about her. Why won't you just give her a chance?”

“Well what if I do give her a chance, and then she just proves that what I initially assumed was true?”

“It's not true, she's not like that, but don't you think that it is worth the risk anyway?”

“The risk?!” at that point Sirius was completely hysterical as he jumped off of the bench. “Are you talking about the risk of being sent to Azkaban?”

“, I took a risk with you, didn't I? You're a Black and I befriended you despite that, so did Remus. Listen, if you won't do it for the sake of having some family that is actually decent, then do it for us. Return the favor that we did by befriending you.”

“Why do you care so much? I know that Remus is sentimental about the fact that she knows his secret and won't tell anyone, but what about you? I haven't seen you say more than five words to her.”

“I don't know if I can tell you.”

“Why not?” Sirius was truly hurt that James wouldn't tell him, after all wasn't he his best friend? “Tell me, I'll talk to her if you do. I promise.”

“You won't like it, Sirius-”

“Try me, how bad could it possibly be?”

“In your opinion, pretty bad… listen, just talk to her first, make amends, and then I'll tell you. I promise, just do this for me.”

“But what if I am right about her?” Sirius asked adamantly.

“Then you're wrong, we're all wrong. Life goes on.”

“You don't get it, James.”

“What is it?”

“I don't have a family like you, James, everyone left me, betrayed me. You have people by your side, I don't. I can't afford to have her let me down like the rest of them did, and given what I've heard about her, and what I saw just now the odds really aren't in my favor.”

“But what if you're wrong, won't you regret it? It's your one chance at a decent family member, and you pushed her away.”

“Can we just drop it? I really don't want to talk about this now,” Sirius said.

“Fine.”

--

“I won't be able to expel him, you are aware of that, aren't you?” Dumbledore told them.

“I figured,” James sighed.

“I'm sorry, boys; I know that this whole ordeal must be very difficult for you, and I know how frustrating it may be that I can't do more. Trust me, I feel the same way. What Peter did, it's horrible, but I can't expel him for it no matter how much I may want to.”

“Is there anything that can be done?” Sirius asked.

“I could move him out of your room,” Dumbledore suggested. “Actually, I could talk to him about changing houses, have the hat reevaluate him. If the hat has a different answer this could help with keeping you boys away from him, seeing as how your family seems to want you.”

“That would probably be for the best,” Sirius sighed.

“Do you have any notion as to what they would want Sirius?”

“I don't know, I may have left the place, but they were close to kicking me out anyway, took me off the family tree too.”

“Look into that Sirius, I need to know why.”

“Sure, but listen can we go? It's all still a bit fresh and I'm just trying to process it.”

“Of course,” Dumbledore told them with a smile. “Oh and boys, thank Ms. Black for me, will you?”

“Sure,” James told him as the two left the office.

“So he may not even be in the same house as us,” James said as the two walked down the hall, making their way back to the dorms.

“Yeah, probably for the best, even if I'd like to keep an eye on him, by living with him he'd be able to spy on us.”

“At least Remus took away the memories of him being an Animagus, so he won't be able to sneak around without us knowing.”

“You think? How do you know he did that?” Sirius asked.

“It's Remus, enough said.”

“Good point,” Sirius smiled.

“So I think you should be the one to tell Lily that Dumbledore sends his thanks.”

“James-”

“No, no, just hear me out. I get it okay, I thought about it and what you said makes sense, but just trusts me on this, she's not like that.

“How can you be so sure? You haven't even spent that much time with her.”

“I can't tell you—not yet, just take my word for it.”

Sirius paused for a second, taking in what he had just said, “I'll talk to her, but you- you have to tell me how you're so sure first.”

“After,” James said.

“Fine—but you should know that I'm not making any promises, we may not end up friends,” Sirius told him.

“Just talk to her Sirius.”

-->

9. Amends, or Something Like It

Chapter IX: Amends, or Something Like It

--

“Hey,” Sirius greeted Lily as he took a seat across from her at the table where she was doing her homework in the common room.

“I think you have me confused as someone else, see you're the bane of my existence, hence the fact that we don't talk,” Lily told him before returning her attention to her work, ignoring him completely.

“Listen, I'm going to blunt with you, I still don't trust you, but James seems to think that I should give you a chance, so here I am.”

“Is this some kind of a joke? I mean you can't possibly be so deluded as to think that I'd actually even want to talk to you,” Lily spat at him before getting up and leaving, forgetting her things at the table in her haste to get away from him.

He, however, wasn't as apt to give up and grabbed her by the arm before she could get away, “I promised James that I would try to make amends and I will. So how about you return the favor, and try to be nice to me like I am to you right now.”

“No.”

“No?” he asked, surprised by her answers, after all throughout their entire childhood she had always tried to get closer to him.

“No, I am so sick of it, Sirius! I mean, I've tried, I've tried for years to get you to accept me, to like me, but you always considered yourself to be some holy god-like figure that was just too good for me. So guess what, I'm tired of having to prove myself to you, I'm done with it all, and most of all, I'm done with you. What have you ever even done to deserve my respect? All that you ever were to me was a condescending jackass. You even went so far as to try to turn the entire school against me, and worst of all you succeeded with someone that I loved!” Lily shrieked.

“How could I trust you after everything that you did? Don't make me out to be the bad guy, Lily. I was just protecting my friends.”

“From what? That has got to be the most absurd thing that I have ever heard!”

“Oh come on Lily, you and I both know-”

“Don't you dare say it,” she interrupted him. “Don't accuse me of something based on some pointless gossip. Out of all people who are you to judge?”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“You passed the test, Sirius!”

“So did you!”

“See that's where you're wrong. When Jordan gave me his wand, I couldn't do the unforgivable on the dog, I choked. You passed the test, I didn't. My father just told everyone that I was the most powerful witch that he'd ever seen when they asked if I had passed the test. I mean, imagine how embarrassed he'd be when people asked and he said that I failed. He'd never admit to it, even if his life depended on it, he can't stand the thought of a “weak” daughter.”

“I-” Sirius stuttered, searching for the words.

“You what, Sirius?” she unintentionally patronized him in the heat of her anger. “Are you sorry? Because if you are, you have no right to be! For years I tried to get you to accept me, to like me. I was so sentimental and naive; I just wanted to have at least someone in my family with whom I could actually have a good relationship. I wanted you to love me, and I was so desperate for it that I practically got down on my knees and begged for you to accept me.

“Worst of all is that it took me until now to realize that you're really not worth it, to see that you never did anything to gain my respect. It took me years to see that I was foolish in deluding myself by believing that if I tried hard enough you would finally see me.” Lily paused trying to recollect her thoughts, to calm down, she took a deep breath, “I'm tired Sirius, I'm tired of you and what you do to me,” she quietly said to him before walking away.

“Lily, I'm sorry, just- please don't walk away.”

Lily stopped at the staircase, turning to him, tears welling up in her eyes, “Blood is thicker than water Sirius, just not by that much. You taught me that one. I'm done, I give up.”

--

Lily stormed into the boy's dormitory three hours later; it was almost empty, and would have been had it not been for James who was currently lying in his bed resting with an arm covering his eyes. Lily grabbed a pillow from Carter's bed and started smacking him with it.

“Oy! What the hell was that for?” James yelled as he took the pillow from her.

“Who the hell do you think you are? How dare you force Sirius into giving me a `chance'?” the last word was said with such distaste that James was taken by shock.

“I thought that you would want to make amends.”

“It's not up to you whether or not we do, James. You can't decide for us. For Merlin's sake, you're not even doing it for us!”

“What do you mean? Who else would I do it for?”

“You!”

“Me? How the hell would I benefit from it?”

“You wouldn't have to feel guilty for ever having loved me.”

Once those words were said the two went quiet. She hadn't intended to say that, she didn't even really mean it. He on the other hand, he had never thought of it. She was right, and it killed him to admit it.

“James, listen, I didn't mean that. I know that the entire world doesn't revolve around me and our history, I was just angry—you know, the red head temper gets the best of me a lot of the time, but seriously, why did you do it?”

“Lils, you're right I did it partially for me- but I also did it for you. I thought that since you had always told me that you wished that you were closer with your family, the whole bonding thing with Sirius would be a good idea.”

“James, I appreciate the thought and everything, but you left me. You don't know how I feel now; you never even really talk to me.”

“Hey-”

“I know that it's my fault too because I deliberately avoid you, I get it, but there's no doubt that the sentiments are mutual. We're both uncomfortable around each other given everything we went through. You just- you just don't have the right to help me anymore, not after you left me. You had your chance and you made your choice, James, and nothing's going to change that.”

She couldn't bear to look at him any longer, it hurt too much, she left the room feeling more confused than she had ever been in her life.

--

“I did it,” a solemn Sirius said as he walked into the dormitory.

“I know,” at Sirius' questioning face, James was forced to elaborate. “She came here to yell at me for forcing you to talk to her.”

“She yelled at me too. Guess that she's not too happy about the fact that the only way that I'd even try to make amends with her is because of you.”

“Yeah,” James said, staring blankly at the ceiling while lying in bed, never having left it after his argument with Lily.

After a short silence Sirius finally spoke up, “Was she right when she told me that I was too quick to judge her?”

“I can't answer that for you.”

“Would be a lot easier on me if you could though. Thanks anyway, I guess- if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have talked to her and I guess that I should've a long time ago, she made that one obvious enough.”

“You're welcome… didn't amount to much in the end though.”

“It is what it is, I fucked up, not much more can be expected… I want to fix it though, I see what you and Remus saw in her, she's different from who I thought she was- she made that one painfully obvious to me.”

“That's good,” James said, still staring at the ceiling, his attention not even fully on Sirius.

“You know, now that I think about it, you never told me why you were so sure about her. Why you were so adamant about it all.”

That question got James' attention, he sat up and looked at Sirius, pausing, trying to form the words that just wouldn't come. “I- oh fuck, this is harder than I thought that it would be.”

“Just spit it out, James,” Sirius said, laughing at his friend, unused to the idea of him being at a loss for words.

“Okay-- I'm in love with her.”

“Wait-- what?!”

-->

10. Promises & Plans

Disclaimer: I think that I would shoot myself if before writing a 700 page book.

--

Song: “Rewind” by Stereophonics

--

Chapter X: Promises & Plans

--

It's your time
It's your day
It's never too late
To change lanes
How's your life?
How's your place?
Was it where you wanted
Your head to lay?

--

Quidditch Pitch

“Lily Billy, it's so nice of you to finally show up. I mean practice only started two hours ago, and let's not forget the fact it's over now. You truly are an amazing cheerleader; you know that?” Carter exclaimed as she walked onto the pitch.

“Well, you know me, I just love to be fashionably late, Carty-Poo,” she teased him.

As Sirius watched the two friend's banter he couldn't help but reminisce about his conversation with James the night before.

--

But wait, you can breathe
You can see what I can see
Don't waste your time
You can't make back

--

“Just spit it out, James,” Sirius said, laughing at his friend, unused to the idea of him being at a loss for words.

“Okay-- I'm in love with her.”

“Wait-- what?!”

“Well, you see, during the summer I met Lily, and we sort of dated for about a month and a half- I mean, I didn't even know that she was a Black then, she told me that her last name was Evans,” James said, avoiding Sirius's gaze as he told the story.

“Why would she do that?”

“Well, apparently she didn't want me to judge her by her last name. Anyway, at the end of the summer she finally admitted that she was a Black. When she told me I figured that she was the cousin that you had told me about so I ended things with her. I just… I feel like such a wanker; I mean I ignored everything that I knew about her. In the end I didn't break up with her because she lied to me so much as because I figured that you knew her and her character better then I did.

“Plus, I could never pick a girl over my best friend; but that didn't mean that I ever stopped loving her. Yet the thing that I didn't expect was that those feelings don't just go away, especially if it's the first girl that you ever fall in love with…I was an idiot, and I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, talk you into giving her a chance before… I was such an arse...”

Realization dawned upon Sirius, “You were the one that she was talking about when she told me that I was the reason that she lost someone she loved.”

James smiled hesitantly, hopefully, “I hope… she's different from what you think Sirius, you never gave her a chance to show you what an amazing person she really is.”

“I still can't believe that she is the amazing girlfriend that you had told me about… it's so unexpected.”

“What can I say, she's amazing, and for some odd reason she gave me a chance... I didn't deserve her.”

Sirius paused, trying to comprehend what had just happened, “So what now? Do you still want to be with her?”

“Doesn't matter, she wouldn't take me back even if I did, I betrayed her trust and that's everything to her, she doesn't give it to a lot of people, so it's worth more.”

--

If you could rewind your time
Would you change your life?
Rewind your time
Would you change your life?

Do you like you?
Do you love your wife?
Or did you pick what
You're told was right?

--

“So, what are you doing for Christmas break? My parents are forcing me to come home, it sucks- I wanted to spend the holidays with you.” Carter told her.

“You should spend time with your family, you're lucky to have people that love you that much. As for me, Remus asked me to come home with him.”

“You guys are really close now…”

“He's been an amazing friend to me. It takes a lot to do everything that he did for me when he has a best mate that thinks I'm the Anti-Christ.”

“OH! OH! I actually know that one! It's from the Bible, right?!”

“Nice, I see you've been brushing up on your Muggle Studies.”

“I figured that if you know it then it can't be that hard,” Lily smacked him upside the head in response, “You know that really hurt.”

“Baby,” she muttered.

“I am not; I just have a low threshold for pain! -- Anyway, back onto the subject of Remus,” Carter said as he looped his arm through hers, leading her back to the castle.

“Oh yeah, I forgot that we were talking about that, I think you might get sidetracked a bit too often.”

“Hush you, I have something really important to say,” that statement caught Lily's attention, he was actually serious- an uncommon sight to say the least, and it was rather unsettling. “He's one of the most amazing people I've ever met and he's really nice, one of most amazing best blokes I've ever met—just-- just promise me that he won't take my place, I'm rather fond of the idea of being your best guy, you know.”

She smiled him, “No one ever could, Carter. Remus is a great mate and I'd trust him with my life, but you're my best mate. I love you two for totally different things. You shouldn't ever worry about that, no one could ever replace you.”

“I just don't want to lose you, Lils. You're my favorite girl and I was never one for sharing.”

“You're always so scared of that happening, I don't get why you're so overprotective,” Lily said, intending to tease him, but Carter didn't take it that way.

“Well what can I do, Lily?” he asked her with a bit of impatience in his tone that caught Lily off guard because it was such an abrupt change in mood in the conversation. “I mean first there's the fact that you gladly stand up to your father, regardless of the fact that he's a total psycho that almost killed you on numerous occasions. Then there's he fact that you haven't told me why you've been so out of it lately. I mean you're a girl for Merlin's sake, you should love to talk about your feelings, but lately you've been even more of a closed book than you usually are. Then there is the added bonus that I feel more and more like a girl every day because I actually want to talk about your feelings,” Carter whined, giving off the impression of a petulant five year old.

Lily laughed at the absurdity of the picture when Carter began pouting, “I love you, and the only reason that I didn't talk about it was because I didn't want to bore you.”

“Stop worrying about me! I'm scared when you don't talk; it's dangerous. I'm always so fearful that you might be in trouble and don't want to bother me with it Just talk to me, Lils.”

“Deal. Now, since we leave for break in two days how about we make the most of our time left together and sneak out to Hogsmeade and hang out- just the two of us.”

“No parents?”

“I said just the two of us, didn't I?”

“Then what are we waiting for? Move those legs, girl!”

--

Dream and be
What you feel
Don't you compromise
What you wanna be

'Cause change is okay
What's the point in staying the same
Regrets, forget what's dead and gone

--

Sirius watched the two walk away before his attention back to his best mates.

“So what are you doing for break, Remus?” James asked.

“Lils is coming home with me.”

At first James seemed surprised by the development, taking a minute to process what he had just been told before quickly recovered by asking, “You know, my parents were planning on visiting my aunt this week and my cheeks are still a bit sore from all the pinching that they had to endure this summer, so do you mind if I come over as well?”

Remus looked at him, the cocked eyebrow a sure sign that he didn't fall for James's lie. “You do realize that getting her back will be harder than that, don't you?”

“Well, it's worth a try.”

Sirius sat there staring at the lake, taking in everything, all of that had bothered him and confused him, just trying to make sense of it. He turned to them, interrupting their continuing argument over how hard it would be for Lily to let go of what had happened between her and James. “I want to come,” he said, voice so resolute that it startled them both.

“You do realize that Lily will be there, don't you?” Remus asked him.

“That's why I want to come— I fucked up, it's time for me to take the next step, work for it. It's going to be hard, but I want to, I think you and James are right, she's worth the effort.”

“Just so I know, what brought on this sudden epiphany?” Remus asked.

“Lily called him on all his shit last night,” James told him.

“You talked him into talking to Lily and you didn't tell me?” Remus asked James.

“She thinks he's a wanker, so I didn't think it was that big of a deal,' James said.

“Oy, I'm right here you know,” Sirius said. “Listen, James can tell you the story, I don't feel like rehashing it, kind of hurt my ego, but before I go, just tell me, can I come or not?”

“You're not really asking me that are you?” Remus asked him.

Sirius smiled, “Thanks mate, I'll see you two later.”

“So what happened?” Remus asked as soon as Sirius was out of earshot.

--

If you could rewind your time
Would you change your life?
Rewind your time
Would you change your life?

--

Next morning

7th year girl's dormitory:

Lillian,

I have been informed of what you did to Peter Pettigrew.

Meet me at nine o'clock to discuss it.

-your father

As she read the note, unbeknownst to her Carter was reading it over her shoulder as well. When Lily took the note and pocketed it after reading it Carter took it as a sign for the worst, grabbing her by the arm and turning her to face him, “Lily, please tell me that you won't go,” he begged. “I can't see you get hurt again.”

“Carter, what are you doing here?” she asked him, confused by his sudden appearance.

“Lils don't try to deviate from the topic. I can't lose my Lily Billy to that wanker, please don't go,” Carter pleaded.

“Carter,” she smiled, “I love you, that's why-”

“Well I know that, how couldn't you?” she had to laugh at how conceited he was when he said that. “But just don't say it Lily—not for that. Don't say what I think you're about to say-- don't try to use the `love' card in order to get me to let you go because I won't, not this time, and if you find a way to I swear I'm done with you, Lils, no joke this time.”

Lily smiled up at him, “If you listened to begin with you wouldn't have wasted your breath because you would know that I'm not going because I love you and don't want to disappoint you. Your opinion is one of the only ones that matter now. I don't care what they say about me anymore-- I'm letting go for good this time.”

“Really? Merlin, I didn't expect you to actually concede.”

“Well I did, now leave! I have to pack and you'll just distract me,” she told him, laughing as she pushed him out the door.

“Touchy, touchy. You need to learn some manners Black,” he teased her as she slammed the door in his face

--

Half an hour later

7th year girl's dormitory:

When Remus walked into her dormitory all she could do was laugh, “I'm rather popular today, first Carter and now you. I was just finishing with packing my things, any chance you want to help me?” she asked as she turned around to put things in her bag so she back was now facing him.

“Sure,” he told her before grabbing some dress robes from her closet, “You'll definitely need your dress robes for the balls that my parents will throw-- Listen, there's something that I have to tell you.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just don't want you to be surprised” he said, wincing as he imagined her reaction to what he was about to tell her.

“What is there to be surprised about?”

“James and Sirius are coming.”

“Oh—ugh, well don't worry, I promise that I won't spoil your holidays by fighting with Sirius.”

“Actually, oddly enough, I'm not worried about you and Sirius. I know that you can handle yourself with him, it's someone else that I'm worried about.”

She sighed deeply before putting down the clothing that was in her hand and turned around so that her back was no longer facing him. She seated herself next to him on her bed, “so I guess he told you,” she said quietly.

“A while ago, he told me the entire story.”

“Honestly, I never expected him to.” At Remus' questioning look she elaborated, “I thought he was too embarrassed by our relationship.”

“Do you still love him?”

“I don't know, that's a hard question to answer,” Lily sighed. “I guess that a part of me always will. I mean I just can't help it, you never really get over a first love, it's all so new and it always holds a special place in your heart because it's so memorable…Then of course, I am also extremely disappointed in him.”

“Why disappointed?”

“Because he didn't trust his past with me over Sirius' words. I mean, I know that Sirius is his best mate and all, but honestly, how many words did he ever say to me before I came to this school?”

“Lils, you have to understand that we didn't know that he had heard that from the family; we thought that everything he said was from personal experience with you.”

“Oh,” Lily said, biting her lip at hearing the admission, deciding over whether or not that should make her reconsider everything she had said about James (and his overall wanker-ness) or not.

“Not monosyllabic at all, are you now?” he teased her.

She cracked a small smile before saying, “I realize that I was wrong to lie to him for so long, and I know that's part of the reason as to why he couldn't trust me... Plus, it pretty much supported everything that Sirius had ever told him about me being a liar, but it still hurts. It still hurts to know that he couldn't rely on just our history together in order to make his decision about us. I wish that my word was enough… that our relationship had meant more to him than that.”

“Don't- don't say that Lils. You mean so much more to him then you could possibly understand. It's like you said before, loyalty is everything to James, and he was just being loyal to his best mate. It doesn't mean that he doesn't regret it.”

“Thanks, but sadly that doesn't help much in curing a broken heart.”

“But a nice Christmas with a friend and a guilty cousin should,” he told her with a smile, hugging her to him.

“Guilty?” Lily asked, and he could feel the small smile forming on her lips.

“Unbelievably.”

“Well, that's unexpected.”

“You're telling me.”

If Jesus rode in on a camel today
With your cross on his shoulder
Time to take you away
Have you done all you wanted?
Are you happy and warm?
Do you miss someone special
You don't see anymore?
Have you blood on your hands?
Do you dream of white sands?
Can you sleep well at night?
Have you done all you can?
The place I was born in
Stays crooked and straight
I see innocent blue eyes
Go blind everyday

Rewind your time
Would you change your life
Today?

-->

11. let the fun & games commence

Chapter XI: let the fun & games commence

--

Departing day

Train station:

“Oy, Lily! Get your scrawny ass over here you bloody tart!” Remus yelled across the platform in a desperate attempt to get her attention from where she was talking to Charlie. Lily looked at him, silently daring him to continue, before quickly excusing herself, waving goodbye to Charlie.

“Tart, eh?” she asked as she walked towards him.

“Well look at you there, all flirty with the Ravenclaw's star keeper,” he smirked at her.

“You prick, we're just friends, I'm not some slag, you know” Lily screamed as she hit him upside the head.

“Okay, okay, I give up, you're not a slag! Truce?”

Lily just cocked an eyebrow at him in response.

Remus understood the meeting of it, only muttering, “I'll just shut up now.”

“Good idea,” Lily told him.

“Morning,” James greeted them as he and Sirius walked up to the pair.

“You are just way too chipper in the morning,” Lily told him in awe.

“I take it you haven't had your pick me up yet,” James noted.

“No, I haven't had any coffee yet,” Lily pouted.

“Wait, so you're not really mad at me, it's just withdrawal symptoms?” Remus asked her.

“No, I am mad at you, withdrawal or not, now shush you.”

“She's so nice to her host.”

James laughed at the two's banter, “hey, where's Carter? Aren't you two practically attached by the hip?” James asked.

“But James, you forgot about the times when he is attached to his latest flavor's lips. That's a show that I just don't want to see,” Lily said, referring to Carter's notorious playboy antics with his “flavors of the week.”

“How could I forget, forgive me for my stupidity,” he joked as they took their seats. Luckily for him, Lily remained ignorant to his flirtatious demeanor.

“So Lily, are you excited about vacation?” Sirius asked her in a desperate attempt to join in on the conversation.

“Well Remus claims that I will have the time of my life, so the bar is set, now all that's left is to see if it meets my expectations.”

“Wow Lils, glad to see that you don't have any doubts about it,” Remus commented sarcastically.

“Well my bar is very high,” she teased him.

“But you are in my presence, what isn't amazing about that?”

“I can't believe it!” Lily cried. “James, you corrupted him! This just sucks, now he rivals you in the arrogance department with that last comment. I think I'm going to go to a corner and cry now, I don't know how much ego I can take. Your big heads might make it impossible to breathe in here, much less so actually fit into this tiny compartment.”

“Oh come on Lils, look at this face. Isn't this the epitome of the face of innocence?” James asked her with an innocent smile.

In response however, Lily merely muttered: “bloody wanker.”

Sirius observed the two, leaning closer to Remus and whispering, “they have more chemistry then I thought that they did.”

“Such true words,” Remus responded.

The rest of the ride was not nearly as eventful. However, Lily and James' bickering (or teasing) still managed to keep Sirius and Remus sufficiently amused throughout the entire ride.

--

Chez Remus:

“Home sweet home,” Remus said as they walked up to a Victorian style house. “Okay, there are four guest rooms so Lily, you get first pick. Then you guys can take whatever you want as long as Lily hasn't claimed it.”

“Hey, how come Lily gets first pick?” Sirius asked and was quickly supported by James' protests.

“Yeah, we're better!” James agreed, mainly just to annoy Lily.

“James, you cannot even begin to compare yourself to me. You'll undoubtedly lose. Face it, I'm way cooler than you,” Lily said in a haughty tone that was obviously intended to be a joke.

“Plus, she's hotter, way nicer to look at, so she gets first choice. Deal with it; it's the way of the world.”

“Now I feel sexually harassed, I don't think I want first pick anymore,” lily pouted.

Remus raised an eyebrow at her, “you don't? Okay, then I guess James and Sirius can have first choice.”

“No, no- you know what, sexual harassments actually okay. I'll live, have to learn to be strong, right?” Lily said.

“Sure, it's not that you just want the best room.”

“No! Of course not, I do have some morals.”

“You're proving it as we speak,” Remus teased her.

“Shut up,” Lily said. “Where are James and Sirius?” Lily asked, looking around, just having noticed that they were no longer with them.

“Probably off finding a room.”

“NO!”

“Yes,” Remus said.

“I'll kill them if they take the room I want,” Lily said, grabbing Remus by the arm, “come on, show me to the rooms.”

--

Lily walked into Remus' room after settling into her room only to find him still unpacking, “how many things did you bring with you that you haven't finished getting it all out yet?” she asked him incredulously.

Remus laughed, “I didn't want to do it at first, just spent some time watching the telly,” he said, pointing to the television on the other side of the room.

“You have a telly?”

“Mum's muggle born,” Remus explained.

“Now it all makes sense.”

“So what's with you?”

“Nothing much, just bored, looking for some company.”

“Well, I'd be glad to be of assistance,” he said, leaving his things, and moving to her, throwing her over his shoulder before she even had time to react. He threw her onto his bed.

“Ah, that hurt, why'd you do that you wanker?”

“There's a good movie on now, Carrie, ever heard of it?”

“No, only ever watched a few when I was friends with this muggle born.”

“Was?” Remus asked her.

“Story better left untold,” she told him.

“Fair enough,” Remus said, not really wanting to let the topic go, but taking her word, figuring that it really was a story that he was better off left ignorant of, given what he already knew about her family.

They sat there together watching the movie, Lily's head buried in his chest for the greater part of the film since she was too scared to actually give the movie her full attention. When the movie ended he looked down at her, “what'd you think?”

“That ending was scary as hell,” she said, shivering at the memory.

“Figures.”

He paused, he could tell that there was something that she wanted to say, but he didn't push her, “I understand why she did it. You know, what she—ending it for her mom like that,” she said so quietly that he barely heard her, but he did. “I get it, how she can hate someone that she's related to like that—I know what it's like, it's hell, it's lonely. It's something that I wouldn't ever wish upon anyone.”

Remus looked at her, taking the scene, what she had just said in, “you've never talked about your family—not with me.”

Lily smiled sadly at him, “I know just-- I want to just put it behind me, start anew I guess. I mean they took so much away from me—the right to a childhood, friends, my self-esteem—they left me so… broken. I just want to make up for it, get back what's left of my childhood, it's not a lot, but it's something. It's a chance, and I want to take it.”

“Well,” Remus said, smiling down at her, “I am very good at acting immature you know, I am a marauder after all.”

Lily smiled at him, thankful for the fact that he always seemed to know just what to say and when, “I think you help may be just what I need.”

“Glad to be of assistance love.”

--

Two hours later (midnight)

Lily's room:

She heard a light knock at the door and yelled, “Just open the door yourself; I'm way too lazy to get up right now.”

Much to her shock it was Sirius who walked in looking as though he would be laughing at her statement if it wasn't for his discomfort at the moment, he paused for a minute, just standing at the door awkwardly before closing the door and turning back to her, “hey.”

“Monosyllabic, but okay, I'll bite. Hey,” she said, the latter was meant to be a replication of his voice.

“You do a surprisingly good imitation of my voice.”

“I assure you that it took years of practice,” her eyes widened when she realized what she had said. “Okay, so that sounded a bit mean. I'm sorry I didn't mean for it to come out that way. It was supposed to be a joke, like `Ha-Ha, that's really funny' not like- well, not like how it sounded.” Lily rambled, nervous, having yet to actually be alone with him since the debacle where she basically said the equivalent to “fuck off.” Now that she thought about, it definitely wasn't one of her finer moments. No, definitely not handled gracefully at all.

“It's okay, I kind of deserved it.”

Lily cocked an eyebrow at his response, surprised by the lack of ego in that statement.

“So I actually did come here for a reason-”

“Well that's a relief, for all I knew you could've belonged in the mental ward at St. Mango's,” Lily said, attempting to make a joke to lessen some of the tension.

“I was hoping to make amends.”

“I'm sorry, what?”

“I want to make things right Lily; I think that we both owe it to ourselves to give it a shot.”

At that statement Lily's eyes darkened and when she spoke her voice had lost the light and airy tone that it had previously held. “How can you possibly insinuate that it's up to you? That I even want to be friends with you, and then to say that we both owe it to ourselves?! Speak for yourself Sirius; you've yet to do anything to prove yourself to me. I tried; it's your turn now!”

“Lily, I know that I probably don't deserve your trust, but I want to make it up to you. I want to redeem myself.”

“Then do it! Don't give me all these words, I don't need them, they're not worth anything to me, they're way too affable to be trusted.”

“Lily just give me a chance, I deserve one, we're family, we should make it work-”

“Oh, don't pull that card on me because I was the one that that meant anything to during our childhood. So let me tell you one thing Sirius: I will be courteous when around you, I will be nice. I will even help you if you ever need me to, but it will all be for Remus' sake. You and I, however, will never be friends; you have hurt me too much for that to ever happen, so forget about your chance.”

“There must be some way tha-”

“Don't- don't even try to goad me into giving you a chance, there is no way that I'm going to budge. For years I tried to get on your good side, to make you like me, but you just made my life worse then it already was. You tormented me. You didn't even have the decency to just ignore my existence; you found it necessary to make my life a living hell. You don't deserve me Sirius. It took me years to realize it, but now I know that I won't degrade myself by befriending you.”

“Lily, can't you just forgive me? It's not my fault, I didn't know.”

“Sirius,” she sighed, trying to regain control of herself, to calm down. “I already forgave you, but I'm not ever going to forget what had happened. It was your fault. You chose to be ignorant about me. You chose to listen to the rumors. You chose to make my life a living hell when you could have just ignored me. It was your choice Sirius and no one else's, just deal with its repercussions.”

“Lily-”

“I think you should leave now Sirius,” Lily told him in a quiet voice, “I think it would be best for both of us if you did.”

“Okay, I'll do whatever you want as long as you promise to reconsider.”

“I've been thinking about it all year, don't expect my opinion to change, but yeah, okay, I'll think about it some more.”

Once he closed the door Lily's resolve broke and the tears made their way, all the memories of the pain from her family and Sirius, the boy that she had hoped would be her saving grace, all of it was unearthed leaving her more vulnerable than she ever wanted to be.

--

Sirius took a seat at the island in the kitchen, joining his two best mates who both had expectant looks upon their faces.

“So what did she say?” Remus asked.

“She said that we are never going to be friends… acquaintances at best, but that would only be for your sake. Then she told me she didn't want to talk to me and kicked me out of her room.”

“Come on, there has to be something that you could do in order for her to forgive you.”

“It's not even a matter of forgiveness, she said that she does.”

“So then what's the problem?”

“Even though she forgave me she won't ever be able to forget what I put her through.”

“Listen mate, don't give up. She's worth the effort, trust me on that one. I was an idiot to give her up, don't make my mistake, you'll undoubtedly regret it.” James advised him.

“Yeah, okay mate,” Sirius said as he to up and muttered good night.

“Do you think that she will be friends with him?” James asked Remus once Sirius was out of ear shot.

“No, not a chance, he hurt her too much. Lily had it harder out of the two, she never had anyone to run to, Sirius could come to our place whenever he needed to escape, Lily didn't have that, she was stuck in that place. Sirius was just another disappointment—everything that Sirius was so scared of happening to him, actually did happen to Lily.” They both sat in silence, taking in everything that Remus had said and the consequences of it all. “Well this drama is making me tired, what do you say we head up to be?” Remus said.

“Yeah, sure,” James said as the two got up and made their way towards the staircase.

--

Lily's room:

As she lay in bed she heard a soft knock on the door that forced her to get up. “Bloody wankers, can't even leave me alone... Forcing me to get up, jerks,” she muttered to herself as she made her way towards the door.

When she opened the door only one thing came to mind, “did you not understand the message? I don't want to talk.”

--

Author's Note: I hope you liked the chapter and the interaction between Lily and Sirius, I'm not totally sure as to how I pulled it off, but I tried.

Please review, leave any comments (good or bad)

-->

12. sometimes you just don't know

A note before reading the newest chapter:

As of now I have deleted the last chapter (the confrontation between Lily and James) so this will start from the part at which chapter 11 left off.

--

--

Chapter XII: sometimes you just don't know

--

When she opened the door only one thing came to mind, “Did you not understand the message? I don't want to talk.”

James smirked at her insinuation, “Now why, and most importantly how, could I possibly receive that message?”

“Because if I know `the Marauders' like I think I do, then as soon as Sirius talked to me he went to you and Remus to report what had happened.”

James just smiled at her charmingly, “Now you're making us sound like a group of gossiping girls.”

“If I didn't know otherwise from experience, I would think that you actually are a group of girls.”

“Ouch, Lils, that hurts right here,” he said as he dramatically grabbed his chest where his heart lay.

Lily sighed, realizing that they could not deviate from the topic at hand for much longer, “James, seriously, what are you doing here?”

“I think you and I should talk,” he told her, pushing past her and seating himself on the couch in her room.

“Why of course you can come in, thank you so much for asking,” Lily sarcastically uttered as she closed the door and took a seat on the chair across from him.

“You're welcome,” he smirked at her smugly.

She, on the other hand, merely glared at him in response.

“I take it that it's not the right time for my comments.”

“You think?”

“You know, you used to find them rather sexy.”

Lily sighed, “James what are you doing here?”

“I thought we could talk.”

“About what?” Lily suspiciously asked him.

“Nothing much, I mean we're mates, aren't we? We should be able to just hang out a bit.

Lily bit her lip instantly regretting having been so hostile, “sure I'd like that.”

“Great… so…”

“So?” Lily asked with a smile, enjoying how uncomfortable he was.

“What do we do now that we're mates and all?” he curiously asked her. “I mean even when we were before all I could think about was getting into your pants.”

“Nice, very romantic,” she commented in a deadpan voice.

“Well, it's about as romantic as most guys get love, you're better off just getting used to it as you'll be seeing a lot more of it in your life unless you plan on becoming a lesbian. Just take it as it is.”

“And what would that be?” Lily asked him with an amused smile.

“A compliment.”

Lily laughed, “of course, how could I have possible been so stupid as to misconstrued it as sexual harassment.”

“I honestly have no idea, not the brightest witch, are we now?”

“Guess not,” she laughed.

James paused, just looking at her.

“What?” Lily asked.

“Nothing, this just feels nice.”

“At risk of sounding repetitive, what?”

“This- you and me, banter and all, I missed it.”

“We were pretty good together,” Lily agreed with a small smile.

“We were always friends above all.”

“Yeah,” Lily said. “Yeah I guess we really were.”

They both sat in an awkward silence, both unsure as to how to continue after the little walk down memory lane that had just took place.

“So how's the love life James?”

“Come on Lils, you didn't really just ask me that did you?”

“Well it seemed like a logical enough question, we're teenagers, it should be booming right now.”

“Well then take my word for it, you don't want the answer.”

“This friendship thing isn't going to go very far if you're going to be like that,” Lily teased him, taking absolutely no heed to his warning.

“Lils-”

“Come on James, it's a simple enough question.”

“It's okay.”

“That's it?” she asked, obviously disappointed.

“Yep.”

“Well now that's awfully vague.”

“And you're never satisfied.”

“Eh, I pull it off well,” she said with a small smile.

James paused, looking at her, observing her. “You're different.”

Lily looked at him incredulously, trying to make sense of what he had just said, “good or bad way?”

“Good, definitely good, I like it.”

“Well I'm generally just happy, so I'd say it's a good thing that you prefer it to sad Lily.”

“So then I take it you like it as well.”

“God no! Do you have any clue how great it was being the tortured black child? How much pity I got because of it all?”

He laughed, “This side of you… it suits you really well.”

“So you've said.”

“Thought it was worth repeating.”

“Well thanks. -- Oh God, the last time I'd laughed like this—these past few days was last summer. I miss feeling so care free.”

“Well I'm glad I was able to make you feel that way.”

“You're just like that…. you have this incredible aura about you, one that can just make anyone feel happy, feel free to let loose and forget everything.”

“So do you.”

“Yeah, the tortured soul of the Black family, ii can totally see that one being a crowd pleaser,” Lily quipped sarcastically.

“You always made me eel happy,” James blushed as he muttered it, so quietly that Lily had to strain to hear him properly.

“Well that's because you didn't really know me then.”

“You think?” James asked more then slightly offended by the fact that she could think that.

“James, come on—I mean—well just look at it-”

“I think I knew you,” he adamantly told her.

“That's impossible-”

“In fact, I think I didn't need to know about your home life to really know you. I think I knew you so well that I was one of the only people to ever see that side of you, the real you. The care free, fun, insecure girl that was so scared of ever looking weak.”

He stopped, expecting her to comment, fight him on what he had said, but no response came from her. Instead she just sat there, obviously trying to process everything that he had said, trying to make sense of it all.

“I think I knew you so well that I was able to love both sides of you unconditionally-- that I loved who you were and why, all of it, the total package, no matter how cliché and pathetic it may sound,” he told her quietly as it was the first time since their break up that he actually addressed and admitted to the fact.

Lily looked up at him, having avoided his eyes throughout his entire speech, “you didn't love me James.” She told him quietly, so much so that he almost didn't hear her.

“What do you mean?” he asked her incredulously. “Do you think I lied you about it, because-”

“No James, you might believe that you are, but you're not. You don't know what love is.”

“Listen Lily, in the past I may have been a bit casual as far as relationships were concerned, but with you it was different. Don't ever doubt that I love you, it's not fair of you to say that.”

“James-”

“no. don't, dot hat Lily. You can't just write it off like that, pretend that it never happened. That's not fair.”

“then what do you want from me James, because right now I'm at a total loss as to where you and I stand,” lilt told him, exasperated and aggravated by the fact that the whole evening, her first one of all nights, had seemingly gone to hell.

“I want us.”

“I told you-”

“I'll put up with being mates, really, whatever you want Lils, but you asked what I want and that's it. I even laid it all out for you, ready to be examined and everything,” he told her before leaving her there, gaping at him as he exited the room.

Lily sat there frozen, internally fuming over the fact that he had had the audacity to insinuate that she overanalyzed things.

“Argh, bloody hell,” she exclaimed as she leapt out of her chair following James.

“I'm not going to just let you have the last word like that,” she told him as she barged into his room.

“You know, it's polite to know,” James told her with a smirk, well aware of how much it annoyed her to hear him say that.

“Shut up,” she snapped at him.

“What do you want Lily?” he asked in a bored tone, purposefully goading her.

“I-” Lily stammered. “I- ugh! You can't just do that, end it like that, it's not fair.”

“How's it not fair?” James asked genuinely confused.

“I don't know,” Lily pouted. “You just- you can't confuse me like this James, I'm finally happy and then you come barging back into my life and you give me this whole new set of problems to deal with.”

“Ouch, I'm a problem?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yes, I do, and it's not particularly flattering.”

“James,” Lily said in a strained voice, signaling for him to stop as he really wasn't helping.

“Listen Lils, like I said, I was just being honest with you, but I'm fine just being friend, I get it, I really do.”

“It's not that.”

“Then what is it?”

“I don't know,” she groaned in aggravation, throwing herself onto his bed by him.

“Lils, what's wrong?”

“I don't know what to make of you, what I want, where we stand. It's all just so blah!”

“Blah?” he asked her with an amused smile.

“Blah.”

“Well how can I help un-blah it?”

“Now that sounds stupid.”

“This is coming from the girl that uses blah as an adjective.”

Lily remained quiet after that, deep in thought.

“I'm waiting.”

“For what?”

“How can I help?”

“I don't know if I can do it James.”

James smiled, “well it's rather easy, you tell me how I can help, and then I-”

“Not that, I don't know if I could do it, have an us.”

“I understand,” he told her monotonously.

“James-”

“No I get it, I let you go, my fault, got it.”

“It's not that.”

“Then what is it?” he asked her, the aggravation apparent in his voice.

“I can't just go back in time, ignore everything that happened, all the pain. We can't just go back to being us, not after all tat we went through.”

“Why not?”

“Because… look at us.”

“I am, and I don't see it.”

“We're not right, we lied, we both fucked up so much-”

“So what?”

“How can you say that?”

“How can you say that we're not right for one another?” James challenged her. “I love you Lils, I honestly do. Somehow I feel for you, don't know why and really, I don't care, all that matter to me is that I did. Just let go, accept it because I promise you that I'm not going to lose you, not again. I'm stubborn as hell and I can promise you that I always win. I always get what I want and I only want you, Lils.”

Lily crossed the bed so she was sitting right in front of him, “okay.”

“Okay?” James asked skeptically, not sure as to whether or not he was hearing properly.

“Okay, but this time, no love, not for three months, we're going to tackle this like any normal teenage couple. I don't want to have a reason to doubt us, so that's the rule take it or leave it.

“One question.”

“What?” Lily asked him, exasperated as she expected the worst given that it was James.

“Does that mean no sex?”

“I did say like any normal teenage couple, didn't I?” she asked him with a small smile before pulling him in for a kiss.

--

Author's note: I am so sorry that this chapter took so long to post, but I really wasn't happy with my original version (or the last chapter—thought it was way too sappy—although this version probably is too LOL). I just needed to go back re-do it, re-format it, and this was my first idea and I liked it well enough.

Oh, and I decided to post ASAP rather then waiting for my beta's reply so sorry for any errors (I'll re-post this chap when she gets to it)

p.s. please review

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13. a break from the pattern

Chapter XIII: a break from the pattern

--

Song: “Hold On, Hold On” by Neko Case

--

“Hey,” James greeted her with a small smirk as he joined her at the island in the kitchen at breakfast.

“Oh no, no-- you can't do that,” Lily exclaimed, eyes widening at the seriousness of the situation.

“What?”

“Look at me with that smile— you know, that `I've seen you naked' smile.”

“Well if you think about it, I could look at you that way any way; even if we didn't do the horizontal tango last night.”

“Horizontal tango?”

“Yes, sex—speaking of which, why weren't you in bed when I got up?”

“Well it's not like I'm about to wait for you, I mean, you're not that good in bed, love.”

“Ouch, well that's okay- I have time to make up for it,” he said with a grin, coming behind her to kiss her neck.

“No,” she told him, pushing him away. “James… we need to talk.”

“Okay, those are never good words to hear in guy world.”

“It's not that-”

“No, you just made sexual innuendos and now I get the `we need to talk' line, what's going on, Lils, are you like bipolar or something?”

“Ugh, I know I'm indecisive; I get it, but just let me get this out first.”

“Fine, even if you are being really annoying.”

“James, I just- I need some time, before we go public, actually tell people-- I'm not ready for that.”

“Why not?”

“We went through so much last time; there was pain, anguish, etcetera. I don't want to be a tragic story again—it's a bitch to go through, I can't take having Sirius and everyone know. Like I said last night, I need to do this at my own pace, and right now, that's privacy.”

“But what if I don't want that?”

“I don't know… I just—I want to be sure about us James, I don't want the added pressure of people knowing-”

“By people do you mean Sirius?”

“No— yes, I don't know, everyone. There was so much wrong with our relationship last time, I want to rectify it, give us a chance, and this is the only way we can do that.”

“And you're sure that there's no other way?”

“If there is I don't know of it,” she shrugged

James let out a deep, reluctant sigh, “Okay then, whatever you want, Lils. Just- just know that Sirius- he accepts us-”

“Wait, you told him?” Lily interrupted, eyes widening in shock.

“Yeah,” James grinned sheepishly.

“Why didn't you tell me before?!” she exclaimed, hitting him in the chest.

“Does it change anything?” he asked, a flicker of hope igniting.

“No, but would have been nice to know.”

“Well, I'm stuck in a secret relationship and you get ignorance, it's a lose-lose situation, I think that's fair enough.”

Lily smiled at his statement. “You know, secret relationships can be kind of hot,” she told him with a wicked grin, trying to placate him.

James considerably brightened at that prospect, “My choice of place?”

“No, seriously, this is Remus's place! So not happening, it's sick enough that we're doing it at someone else's place as it is-- we really need to replace those sheets by the way.”

“Oh, just get on with it so we can shag.”

“You're such a guy,” she told him in a disgusted tone, but trying to hide her inner amusement at his exclamation.

“Well, if I wasn't- you'd be a lesbian.”

“What was the point of that one?”

“I don't know, it's really early, but the mental picture is pretty hot right now.”

Lily laughed, “You're a loser.”

“You love it.”

“Don't push your luck.”

“And shutting up now… what are my chances now?”

--

“I'm ready,” Lily told him a week later as the two lay in her bed.

“For what?”

“You know.”

“No, I really don't, I've stopped trying you guess with you, it's too confusing and I'm never right.”

Lily laughed, “I'm ready to tell people.”

“Wait, are you serious? You're not just doing this for me, because you know, if you are, I can get used to the whole secret thing, it means pity sex for me, so I'm okay, don't force yourself for me.”

“Glad that ultimately all it equates to is a good shag,” Lily quipped.

“No problem… and by the way it's not good, but great—seriously though, are you sure?”

“I'm going to tell Remus tomorrow, and you won't act shocked when he brings it up, got it?”

“More like if you do.”

“No, when.”

“Won't believe it until I see it love.”

“Then get ready, love, because you're in for a shock.”

“Look forward to it, but if it doesn't happen, I finally get to choose a place.”

“Deal,” Lily said, extending her hand to finalize the bet.

“No Lils, that's not how you do it,” he told her, waving away her hand and pulling her in for a kiss instead. “That is.”

“Oh really, Mr. Potter?”

“Yep.”

“Well I think I'm going to need another lesson then as I never was a very quick learner.”

“Now that I can most definitely do.”

--

“So let me get this straight, you're dating James now?” Remus asked her incredulously the following day when Lily came to wake him up by breaking the news.

“Happy Christmas?” Lily smiled unsurely.

“First of all, don't you dare play that off as a Christmas present to me—it's tomorrow anyway; I expect a real one, although this is a rather good one to accompany it. Anyway, back onto the real matter at hand, you left him in bed- alone after shagging him?”

“Yeah so?”

Remus looked at her disbelievingly, “Aren't you the least bit worried about what his reaction will be when he sees you missing?”

“Well he can't honestly expect me to just lay in bed `staring at his sleeping figure' like some love struck girl.”

“Love, I hate to break it to you, but you are some love struck girl.”

“Doesn't mean I'm about to act like one,” she grumbled.

“I'm not even going to try to understand your logic anymore, it's way too fucked up for me.”

“Suit yourself.”

“So when are you going to tell Sirius.”

She looked up at him, confusion written all over her face, “Why would I?”

“What do you mean? Why wouldn't you?”

“I figured James would do it, he's the one that's friends with him,” she shrugged.

Remus sighed, “You're annoying, you know that right?”

“How?”

“You're so afraid of getting your heart broken that you shy away from all the things that you really want in life.”

“Wouldn't you if you went through what I did?” she asked him, more than slightly offended by his statement.

“Well it's not me that we're analyzing right now, now is it?”

“Wanker.”

“Lily,” Remus said with a stressed sigh. “Stop trying to deter from it, you know we have to talk about it.”

“I don't run away from happiness,” she grumbled stubbornly.

“Sure you don't.”

“You're a wanker, you know that?” Lily told him as she threw a pillow at him.

“And you're avoiding the subject, got to say, that's not very proactive of you Lils,” he teased her, wagging a finger in front of her face.

“You're an arse.”

“We've covered that, now how about we talk about something interesting, like, oh I don't know your upcoming family reunion.”

“Not going to happen,” she told him in a sing song voice.

“If you'd stop being stubborn it would.”

the most tender place in my heart is for strangers
I know it's unkind but my own blood is much too dangerous
hangin' round the ceiling half the time
hangin' round the ceiling half the time

“Remus,” Lily said her facial expression sobering. “I've been hurt a lot, but most of all by him, you can't just leave something like that in the past. I gave up on believing in the whole carpe diem, fuck and be fucked mentality, it's too risky- the chances of getting hurt are too strong.”

“Then maybe that's where you're getting it all wrong.”

“What do you mean?”

“Before you couldn't afford it, I get it Lils, you pretty much had no one, but you have people by your side now. We'll always be there for you to help you if you fall, you don't have to be strong anymore, you can afford to be weak, to put your heart on the line.”

Lily paused, “It's not-”

She, however, was interrupted by James walking into the room, “Should I be jealous of the fact that my girlfriend left my bed for yours, Remus?” he asked as he joined them on the bed pulling Lily into a kiss.

Remus laughed at the absurdity of the situation, “According to her you shouldn't expect her to sit around and watch you sleep like some love struck girl.”

“Aw, Lils, you are a feminist after all.”

“Shut up,” Lily cried, “I am not!”

“Sure you're not, that wasn't a feminist response at all,” Remus said, goading her.

“You guys are such arses, I'm going to eat,” Lily said, leaving the room.

“I think I'm going to go after her,” James said, finally pulling his gaze away form her arse as she walked out the room.

“I wouldn't do that if I were you.”

“Why not?”

“Sirius is downstairs, heard him going down five minutes before you came in.”

“You do realize that by not going down there we're practically giving him a death sentence, don't you?” James asked skeptically.

“Oh come on, it's not that bad.”

James merely cocked an eyebrow response.

“Okay, yeah, maybe he is screwed, but we may as well give him a shot, he'd want one regardless.”

“Whatever, if anything she'll be so angry she'll want to have sex.”

“AH! She's like a sister to me, Prongs; don't say that in front of me!”

“What? She likes to shag when she's aggravated, what's so bad about that?” James asked, grinning at the reaction the statement got from Remus.

“That's it, I'm going to go take a shower, and you watch the telly or something, just stay away from me.”

“Aw, Moony, don't you want to hear about this thing that she can do with cherries-”

James, however, was interrupted by Remus slamming the door halfway through the question.

--

Compared to some I've been around
but I really tried so hard
that echo chorus lied to me with its
"hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"

“Oh, hi,” Lily said, standing at the doorway awkwardly once she saw Sirius sitting at the island already eating breakfast.

“You can sit, you know, I don't bite,” he told her with a weak smile, talking note of her reluctance.

“Oh, right,” she said, blushing at the fact that he had noticed her discomfort.

“So how'd you sleep?”

“Pretty well.”

“That's nice,” he said and she could tell that he was restraining himself from saying anything more.

It was at that exact moment that she felt like she was in one of those cliché movies she had watched with one of her muggle-born friends where the lead character had a friend's words ringing through her head nonstop. All she could think about was Remus, and him telling her that she shouldn't be afraid to take the plunge, at least not anymore and it was at that moment that Lily made her decision.

“Um, you know, James and I got back together last night.”

Sirius smiled, “Really? Well it's about time… I mean, I didn't know about it for very long or anything, but I can see it, you're both spit-fires. Your tempers work somehow…”

“This is awkward, isn't it?” Lily asked, purposefully avoiding his gaze as she began eating her chocolate crepe.

“Yeah it is-- I don't really know how to act around you.”

Lily put down her food with a sigh, finally lifting her eyes to look at him, really look at him the first time that morning, “I honestly don't know what to do anymore, Sirius.”

“What do you mean?”

In the end I was the mean girl
or somebody's in-between girl
now it's the devil I love
and that's as funny as real love

“I mean it's all so surreal, you finally wanting to get to know me… after all these years… I don't know how to react to it all.”

“If it helps, I get it, I really do, and I understand if you can't forgive me-”

“I don't, and I think I'll always hold it against you in some way or another, because that's just who I am, I'm unintentionally spiteful and mean. I can't help it, it's the environment in which I was brought up,” she interrupted him.

“Right,” he said with a frown, getting up in a final attempt to secure his pride.

“But,” Lily said, effectively stopping him dead in his tracks. “I don't live there anymore and we're each other's last chance at a family, at some semblance towards happiness. We need each other and I think I'm willing to put myself on the line.”

Sirius turned to her unsurely, a smile on his face, “You are?”

I leave the party at three a.m.
alone, thank god
with a valium from the bride
it's the devil I love
and that's as funny as real love
and that's as real as true love

Lily bit her lip due to her nerves, “Just- just don't hurt me, Sirius, please, I can't take anymore, I was never as strong as I appeared to be, I'm just good at defending myself.”

“I won't- I promise.”

“You better not, or I swear I'll beat you with a stick.”

Sirius smiled at how serious she was as she said that, “I'll make sure I keep my word.”

That echo chorus lied to me with its
"hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"

“Good.”

“So, just so I know, what do we do now that we're going to give family bonding a try?”

Lily smiled, “How about we talk about some quidditch, that's always a great conversation starter and since we don't really know one another it'll all be new for us.”

“Well, I guess it all depends on the team you're rooting for at the cup next year.”

“I'm a Germany fan girl,” she told him, wincing as she anticipated his reaction.

“Traitor,” Sirius gasped.

“In my defense they are an amazing team, never manage to let me down.”

“Bullocks.”

--

“So what did you want?” she asked once she took a seat across from the man in the Leaky Cauldron.

He looked at her, scrutinizing her as he had done so many times before, “Can't a father just miss his daughter?”

“Not if he's a Black.”

“Touché.”

“Honestly, why did you want to meet with me?”

“Why so hostile, Lillian? I mean you did agree to meet with me, I don't see the reason for all this hostility.”

“You wanted to meet in a public place, that's a first, can't deny the intrigue behind the request,” she rationalized simply, turning her attention to the barkeeper. “Tom, can you please bring me a butter beer?”

“Sure thing, Lils,” he responded.

“Decided on an answer yet?” she asked him when she returned her attention to him.

“When are you going to come back home?”

Lily snorted slightly, “Are you really asking me that? I mean seriously?”

“Do you see me laughing?” he cocked an eyebrow at her, challenging her as he had done so many times before.

“Well it's a well known fact that Blacks don't laugh, so how am I supposed to know when you are?” she smirked at him, enjoying the aggravation that her teasing caused him.

It was that moment that Tom arrived with her drink and the firewhiskey for the elder Black.

They both took their drinks, sipping them, staring at one another; never voicing their thoughts, but the picture of the two staring at one another was intimidating enough to not require words.

Lily set down her drink, tapping her fingers on the table, “no.”

“What?” he asked her, confused as to what she was referring to.

“No, I won't come back.”

“Then what are you going to do?” he asked her disbelievingly.

“I don't know… travel the world, meet new people, find happiness,” she shrugged, running her finger along the rim of her glass as she avoided his intense gaze.

“Blacks don't do love,” he told her, quickly realizing as to what she was referring to with her statement. “No matter how appealing it may seem, no matter how much we may want it we can never have it, it's just not in our future.”

She raised her head up, looking at him with pity for the first time in her life. “Sometimes it's just time for a change, a break from the pattern,” and that, she left.

--

author's note: and that's all she wrote… literally

as for the real dilemma in question: I know, I know, I'm horrible, and I'm so sorry for that, but this chapter was just such a bitch to write (that's awfully crude, I know, but it sums up how I felt about it the best). I've spent so much time rewriting this, trying to find a way to make it work (I have 10 drafts and different endings to prove it too). I'm total shit at endings and I didn't want to do that to this fic, I didn't want to totally screw it up seeing as I actually like this fic.

So I'm sorry, I tried, I really did, but in between all of my drafts and beta's hectic schedule, this was the fastest that I could get it up, I only hope that you'll forgive me for it and review (and please do, it's the last chapter so those of you that never did I'd really appreciate it if you at least did for this chapter, the final one)

Anyway, hope you all enjoyed it!

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14. a final note (please review!)

So I did this in The One He Pushed Away and I really liked the idea so I felt like doing it again…

This fic was a tough one for me to write at times as I was constantly afraid that I would make it come off as too soap-operaish, so to hear/read the comments from those that reviewied meant so much to me, it gave me an idea of wheat was right and what wasn't with the fic, a thing that was so vital and necessary to me when writing the story.

So with that I thank all of those that reviewed, I really cannot even begin to explain how much it meant to me.

- Elizabeth

- Justine83

- Isabel

- Blackmusasabi

- CathyD

I would also like to make a special shout out to those that reviewed for every chapter, giving me consistent feedback and just being readers whose commentary I could always look forward to.

- Harry85

- Angel 737

- rockingoddess

And then there is the amazing SweetSouthernGal, my beta, thank you so much, I'm am an insecure mess when it comes to my writing so having you there to critique it and give me advice and what was right and wrong helped me more than you could possibly imagine. Thank you.

Ok, done with the sentimental stuff, please review for the last chapter of the fic as I'll really be needing the commentary on that one given that I wasn't too sure about it. hope to see you reviewing for some of my future projects!

p.s. this link is for any of you that are interested in seeing the banner for this or any of my other fics: http://www.harrypotterfanfiction.com/viewuser.php?showuid=103860

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