The Original I Know That You Sleep With My Boyfriend

cosmopolitan411

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 7
Published: 19/09/2007
Last Updated: 20/02/2009
Status: completed

What happens when you realize that everything you thought was true turned out to be a lie? When you realize that the love that meant the world to you was never really there? How do you find your way back, especially when you realize that you still need him? And who will be there to pull you out when you get in over your head?

Chapters

1. the woes of perfection

2. Drafting

3. Phase I: Boy Toy Wanted

4. Phase II: Convincing the Boy Toy

5. Phase III: Alluding

6. Phase IV: Partnering Up

7. Back to the Drawing Board

8. Phase V: Party

9. Re-Evaluating and Reminiscing

10. The Ties of Friendship

11. Phase VI: Scaring Him

12. Repairing Reputations

13. Phase VII: Flirting

14. Phase VIII: threatening territory lines

15. Deviating From the Plan

16. a few bumps along the way

17. phase IX: insecurity

18. the paradox of answers

19. Of Confusion

20. happy listening

21. a final note

22. Redux anyone?

1. the woes of perfection

Disclaimer: I wouldn't have gone with that ending if I were Rowling.

--

I Know That You Sleep With My Boyfriend

--

Summary: What happens when you realize that everything you thought was true turned out to be a lie? When you realize that the love that meant the world to you was never really there? How do you find your way back when you realize that you still need him? And who will be there to pull you out when you get in over your head?

--

Chapter I: the woes of perfection

--

Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out

But Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Even when you want to fight

-“Always Love” by Nada Surf

--

Monday

Week I

--

“Oh come on Lily, you totally do!” Alice exclaimed.

“She's right Lily, you do,” Elle agreed.

“No I don't, seriously, my life is far from perfect,” Lily adamantly defended, still unsure as to how the conversation had begun in the first place.

“Oh please! You're fucking hot as hell, there's no girl in school that can even compete with you, and if I didn't know you so well I'd probably hate you,” Alice told her.

“It's true, I kind of do at times,” Elle chimed in.

“And you're smart-”

“Head girl smart,” Elle added.

“Nice-”

“Helping out people who call you a mudblood nice.”

An exasperated Alice turned to Elle, “must you always do that?”

“I wanted to see how long it would take for you to finally get fed up and pissed enough to ask me that,” Elle told her with a slight smirk.

“You have no life.”

“You two are a riot,” Lily laughed at her two bickering friends.

“Hey love, how are you this fine day?” a deep voice asked from behind her, before turning her around to face him so he could properly greet her.

“Benjy, not here,” Lily told him as he tried to deepen the kiss, “not in public, you know that it makes me uncomfortable.”

“Can't blame a guy for trying, can you?” he asked her with a wink.

“You're incorrigible!” she exclaimed.

--

Well it's a minor altercation
Despite your hesitation
And apart the contrary and impending accusation
Cinematography that you're willing but happy to see
A scene that stars you and a girl, you're both on top of me

-“Illegal Tender” by Louis XIV

--

“So prongs, what lady will it be this week? If I do say so myself Evans is looking rather lovely in that short little skirt of hers,” Sirius commented as he blatantly checked the red head out.

“First of all she has a boyfriend-”

“And when has that ever stopped you before?” Sirius asked skeptically.

“And she's a bloody hag, unbelievably annoying and boring, the girl's never broken a single rule in her life. Anyway, why are you so adamant about the two of us getting together?”

“Well, you know how all those good little girls are tigers in the sack. It's like they compensate for being such Mary's in real life by letting loose, and showing their Magdalena in the bedroom.”

“Then why don't you go after her?”

“I'm trying to be nice here. Throw you a bone, you know, that kind of thing.”

“You tried and she turned you down, didn't she?” James asked with a knowing smile.

“Yeah, but you probably have a better chance, you're head boy, that's got to be a turn on for her.”

“Not interested.”

Sirius looked at him as if he had grown another head, “why not?” he asked incredulously. “Not even for a quickie?”

“Like I said: she's annoying. Bloody hag really.”

“Mate, with those legs no one can be a hag.”

“Well then she's achieved the impossible, kudos to her.”

“You're retarded, you know that?”

“This is coming from the guy that's delusional enough to think that one day McGonagall will let you throw a party in the Great Hall.”

“It's all a matter of how you present it to her,” Sirius defended.

“And how's that going for you?” James asked with an amused smile.

“The woman's bloody impossible to get through to.”

--

Black widow on a mission
can't stand what she's missing
Black widow on a mission
she don't know who to believe in
Black widow on a mission
can't stand what she's missing
Black widow on a mission
she don't know who she's killing

-“My Black Widow” by People in Planes

--

“Do you have to go?” Lily asked Benjy.

“Yeah, I don't want to, but Cromwell needs to go over some plays with me. He said that it can't wait.”

“But I thought that as captain you decide when to meet. Come on, reschedule. I'm bored,” Lily pouted.

“Lils, I have to go over them for out match against Hufflepuff next week, I'm sorry, but it can't wait.”

“Go Ravenclaw,” she monotonously cheered. “I get it, go. Wouldn't want you to lose.”

“You're an angel,” he told her as he gave her a quick kiss on the lips before heading of.

Lily walked towards the lake to meet up with her friends, “where's Rachel?” she asked Alice.

“Why would I care where that bloody slag is?” Alice asked, never hiding her distaste for the girl. “Honestly, I don't understand how you can be so close with her, that girl has absolutely no scruples.”

“Oh come on, she's a good mate to me.”

“She's bloody jealous of you is what she is.”

“Don't say that, she's not.”

“She totally is- Lily, she's not who you think she is-”

“Stop Alice. That's my mate, if she said something about you; I wouldn't let her just like I'm not going to let you now. Please, just respect that.”

“Okay,” Alice conceded with a sigh. “But I still don't trust her.”

Lily smiled at her mate's stubbornness, “I promise that I won't invite her to one of your girls' nights out, deal?”

“Fine,” Elle overdramatically exclaimed with a slight smile.

“Well if it isn't Ms. Perfect and Ms. Potty-Mouth,” Elle greeted them as she came up to them.

“I love you for using that nickname for Lily,” Alice laughed.

“Hey! You do realize that she also mocked you as well, don't you?” Lily exclaimed.

“Yeah, but everyone knows I have the biggest `Potty mouth' known to man,” Alice said nonchalantly. “But you, on the other hand, won't admit tom the fact that you're about as perfect as they get.”

“She's right,” Elle quipped in. “we should head back though, I heard about this part on the seventh floor somewhere in the west wing hallway.”

“How'd they manage that one? And at two,” Lily asked.

“I don't know, but it sounds fun, so let's go,” Elle said as she grabbed Lily and Alice and pulled the two back towards the castle.

--

It's wild the way you tease me
It's wild the way you free me
It's wild the way you reach me
Wrapped me up in your wire from the start

-“Bad Boyfriend” by Garbage

--

“I still don't understand why you think I'm perfect,” Lily whined as they walked up the stairs.

Alice sighed, turning to Lily, “look Lils, you have it all. A loving family-”

Lily scoffed at that comment, “hardly.”

“Well you have your dad and that man has got to be the coolest father ever,” Elle commented.

“Plus, you're rich. Smart. Hottest girl in school-” Alice listed.

“I am not!”

“Lils, no need to be modest, I'm one of the most conceited girls in our school and even I can admit to that fact,” Elle told her before pointing to the left, “we have to go that way.”

“Anyway,” Alice said, “you also have the perfect boyfriend-”

All of a sudden they heard a moan coming from a near by deserted class room. Lily turned to Alice with a small smirk on her face, “want to really piss some one off?”

Alice returned the smile, “you're not thinking what I think you are, are you? Because if you are, you're officially a God as far as I'm concerned.”

“Lily, Alice! That's a total invasion privacy,” Elle chastised them.

Lily and Alice quietly neared the door, “on the count of three, okay Lils? - one… two… three,” they opened the door, but a word didn't come out of their mouths once they saw the couple. Lily in a state of shock, void of any emotion, took Alice by the arm and pulled her out, before grabbing Elle and pulling them both to the other side of the hallway.

“What's wrong?” Elle asked.

“That was Benjy Fucking-Wanker shagging another girl,” Alice told her, voice full of spite and anger. She turned to Lily who was leaning against the wall for support. “Why didn't you let me give him a piece of my mind? How can you just walk away like a bloody cunt after he did that to you? Don't you have any-”

“Alice shut up!” Lily growled at her friend, finally reaching her wits end after the string of insults sent her way.

Alice's face softened with regret, finally noticing how hurtful her angry words had come off as, “Lils I'm sorry, you know how I get, my temper gets the best of me-”

“It's not that,” Lily said, her voice still devoid of any emotion.

“Then what is it love?” Elle asked.

“That was Rachel with him.”

--

author's note: everyone, please R&R,, and you should know that I'll be updating this fic once a week, on Wednesdays or Thursdays.

Also, if anyone would like to take on the role as my beta I could really use one.

-->

2. Drafting

Chapter II: Drafting

--

I'm no Barbie doll
I'm not your baby girl
I've done ugly things
And I have made mistakes
And I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines
I am rotten to my core if they're to be believed

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
It's driving me crazy

I think you're sleeping with a friend of mine
I have no proof
But I think that I'm right

And you've still got the most beautiful face
It just makes me sad
Most of the time

-“Why Do You Love Me” by Garbage

--

Monday

--

Both her friends' eyes widened. “Lily sweetie, are you sure that it was Rachel? Your mate, Rachel?” Elle asked her.

“Yeah,” Lily told her, her legs finally giving was and she fell onto the marble floor, finally crying.

“Bloody hell, I knew that bloody cunt had no scruples-” Alice muttered.

Elle lightly slapped her on the arm, only mouthing: “not helping.”

Alice got the message, turning to Lily, affectionately caressing her, trying to soothe her as she pulled her up off the floor where she was currently rocking herself, clearly trying to process what had just taken place. “I know a private room with tons of chocolate and break up music, how does that sound?”

Lily gave her a watery smile, nodding her head, “please.”

Alice and Elle carried the broken girl to the room of requirements that was fashioned after the Heads' Common Room, the difference was that one corner of the room was filled with chocolate and numerous bottles of firewhiskey.

Lily sat on the couch, staring blankly at the fire for hours; she couldn't bring herself to do anything else. Alice and Elle just sat by her quietly, just soothingly rubbing her arm and handing her some chocolate every once in a while. They never said anything to her; they just sat by her, supporting her.

Three hours later Lily finally spoke, “I still love him,” she quietly admitted, creating the most pathetic heart breaking picture they'd ever seen. “I want him to need me like I need him… I just-- I wish I made him feel the way that he makes me feel-- so complete, perfect, even if for a short period of time-”

“Fucking hell, that's it, this is total bullocks!” Alice exclaimed.

“Alice,” Elle reprimanded her, pulling her to the side, a safe distance at which Lily couldn't hear the two. “Listen, I know that you may not like what she says, and neither do I, but you have to face the fact that it's better to sit there and listen to it rather then having her return to Zombie Lily. Just let it be, at least for now.”

“Fine,” Alice grumpily conceded before returning to Lily on the other side of the room.

“I want him back,” Lily announced. “I'm going to get him back.”

Alice sent Elle a deadly glare once that statement was made, Elle turned to Lily, trying to smooth things out, “Lils, think about what you're saying. Is he really worth it?”

“I love him- I need him,” Lily said, officially fulfilling the role of the desperate teenage girl in Alice's eyes.

“Then we'll help you,” Elle announced, only to be met with the harshest glare she had ever seem from Alice, before being yanked by the arm across the room.

“WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?” she whispered harshly so Lily wouldn't hear them.

“don't be so stubborn Alice, look at the bigger picture for once—just think about it, we tell her we're helping her, but in reality we'll help her realize that she's too good for him-”

“That's shit of a plan. I hate it,” Alice stubbornly told her, dismissing the idea with ease.

“No it's not! Lily's stubborn as hell, she'll do it whether we help her or not, at least this way we can have some leverage. We can manipulate it-”

“Manipulate? That's such a backhanded thing to do!”

“Well it's worth it. I may not be proud of it, but Lily deserves better and I'll do whatever I can to make sure that she finally realizes that. Now, are you in or are you out?”

Alice looked like she wanted to argue the point before she finally let out a sigh and said: “I'm in.”

“PERFECT!” Elle exclaimed, ecstatic that she could actually convince Alice to go along with the plan.

“But it doesn't mean that I like it,” Alice warned her, never one to give up easily.

“All that matters is that you're going along with it. Now, come on, we can't leave Lily alone for too long, for all we know she might start cutting herself.”

“Okay, that's really not funny right now.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

--

This feels like another dream
Trapped underneath my own routines
I tried to lift it off of me
I give up, I give up
I just sit and bleed

I'm paralyzed, I'm paralyzed
Stuck in the middle
And I'm paralyzed

-“paralyzed” by Rock Kills Kid

--

“Lily,” Alice called out her when they returned, trying to gain her attention from where she was staring at the fire yet again. “I'll—we'll help you out, we promise. But, I need you to tell me why. Why do you need him so badly?”

“I feel broken without him. -- It may not be something to be proud of, but it's the truth, I need him.”

“Lily, you're too good for him,” Elle gently told her.

“It doesn't feel like it. -- I mean if he's the one that can replace me so easily, how am I the one that's too good for him?” Lily sobbed.

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Elle told her in a placating manner, hugging her, desperately trying to soothe her.

Alice paused, watching the scene play out before her. One of her best friends, a girl whom she'd always believed to be unbreakable, tough as hell, but there she was crying and broken. “Well, if we're going to really do this then we need a plan,” she announced to the group.

“You're really going to help me?” Lily asked doubtfully.

Alice smiled at her sweetly, showing a sweet side to her that people rarely ever saw, “of course I am. If you'll feel `complete' with him, I guess the least I can do is make sure you do it the right way.”

Lily dried her tears, smiling at her, “thank you.”

“So,” Alice said before conjuring a piece of parchment and a quill. “We need to set some ground rules.”

“Ground rules?” Elle asked, still in a state of shock over the fact that Alice was actually helping with this, for a goal she didn't even believe in, and much more so with her ability to bull shit as far as the “procedure” went.

“Yes, ground rules, the do's and the do not's of getting a guy to fall head over heals in love with you.”

“Well I don't really know how to do any of that stuff.” Lily said.

“Of course you do love. Take for example how you never go up to a guy, or even look at them, you convince them that you aren't even interested. You force them to be the ones to put in the effort to come to you so you're never the one that loses power. You intrigue them because you're a challenge. It's all about the chase with a guy.”

“How do you expect me to that with my boyfriend?”

“Never go to him, let him come to you.”

“What else should she do?” Elle asked.

“Since he's shagging another girl don't let him get any form you until you're sure that there's no other. Merlin knows what diseases you might get if he schtups cunts like Rachel who can't keep their legs closed.”

“What do I do about Rachel?”

“She's a `frenemy' as of now. You still act like the best of friends, I mean don't totally sick with the Godfather philosophy of `keep your friends close and your enemies closer' because you'll just end up getting hurt in the end, but don't let her know that you know either-”

“How the hell do you expect her to pull that one off?” asked a thoroughly confused Elle.

“Easy, don't tell her any of your secrets, hang out with us more-”

“And how exactly do I make it seem like I'm actually still friends with her,” Lily asked her with an amused smile.

“Because my dear, her birthday is in a week and you're officially planning it as of now.”

“But I don't want to! Not for that ungrateful bitch-”

“I never said that it had to be a good party love.”

“But I'm great at planning parties, you know that,” Lily argued.

“And humble too,” Elle quipped.

Lily raised an eyebrow at her, “is it not true?”

“Okay, you really do throw the best parties ever. But your formal ones suck.”

“I know, but I hate doing them. I only threw them because mum forced me to.”

“And that love,” Alice interrupted, “is why it'll be a formal tea party in celebration of her birthday. Since no one at school knows how great your parties really are at them.”

“You're lucky Rachel doesn't ever go to France and Italy with us during the summer so she never witnessed any of it,” Elle told her. “Okay, so everything is set except for one thing.”

“What?” Lily asked.

“How are you going to make Benjy jealous?”

“I don't know. Do I flirt with tons of guys, or what?”

“Won't work as well,” Alice told her. “We need one guy, a boy toy that'll be in on the entire thing. You two will work together in class, hang out, everything will be totally platonic except for the subtle flirting.”

“How will that make him jealous?” Lily asked.

“Because everyone wants what they can't have. No one grows out of that.”

“So what guy would make him jealous?” Lily asked as she mentally tried to make a list of all the guys in their year.

“Oh I know,” Elle exclaimed, “Amos Diggory.”

-->

3. Phase I: Boy Toy Wanted

Chapter III: Phase I: Boy Toy Wanted

--

One way or another, I'm gonna find ya,
I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha,
One way or another, I'm gonna win ya,
I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha,
One way or another, I'm gonna see ya,
I'm gonna meetcha, meetcha meetcha, meetcha,
One day, maybe next week,
I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meetcha,
I will drive past your house,
And if the lights are all down,
I'll see who's around…

-“One Way or Another” by Blondie

--

Monday

--

“No, Amos wouldn't work,” Lily shook her head. “Benjy thinks that he's a total pansy. He wouldn't ever see him as competition.”

“I know!” Alice exclaimed, “James Potter and Sirius Black.”

“Alice, no!” Lily protested.

Alice played oblivious to the obvious reason why Lily was vetoing the idea, “You're right. Just James-”

“NO! He's a total player and he hates me. He'd never agree to it.”

“Actually he might,” Elle said.

“And why would he do that?” asked an incredulous Lily.

“He and Benjy hate one another. It's always been a constant competition between the two since they were toddlers, everyone knows about it.”

“You forgot the part about how he hates me! He thinks I'm annoying.”

“But he hates Benjy more, my dear,” Alice told her. “So it's set, tomorrow we'll talk to James about it and by Wednesday it'll all be set in motion.”

“But-” Lily stammered, trying to protest.

“Lils, I get that you think he's a bully and everything, but do you want Benjy or not? If you do, you're going to have to go all out, and James is the key,” Alice told her.

“Fine, I'll do it,” Lily conceded.

--

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
And how do you know when to let go?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

-“Where Does the Good Go” by Tegan and Sara

--

Alice and Elle had spent the night with Lily in her dorm, but in the morning when both woke up and noticed that Lily was still asleep, the two moved to the common room as not to wake her.

“You know, I didn't get to tell you last night, but thanks for going through with all of this. I know that you didn't like the idea or anything, but you went through with it anyway and that means a lot to me. I really couldn't have done any of it without you,” Elle told Alice.

“It's fine, really. I think you may have been right anyway, at least this way we can use it to our advantage, have some sort of impact on her, and maybe even mess with the wanker's head a bit. Now, as far as I see it, it's a win-win situation.”

“Glad to hear it. I wanted to ask you, why'd you want the `boy toy' to be James so much? You usually wouldn't care so long as he was an attractive bloke, but you were really pushing for him. What are you panning?”

“James is a great mate, and I think he can really help us. I mean there is a reason why all the girls want him even if he is a commitment-phoebe. It's not just that he has this golden boy image, but he can also charm the pants off of any girl. Lily…Lily just doesn't realize how special she is—no matter how many times we tell her, she'll never get this picture out her head where she isn't worthy. I figure that if I talk to James about it, he could really help us with boosting her self-esteem, help her forget this idea of hers that Fen-Prick is the best that she can do-”

“Wait a minute, Fen-Prick?” Elle asked her with an amused smile.

“My new nickname for him, I think it's rather well deserved.”

“Nice.”

“I'd like to think so. Anyway, going off topic-”

“We always do, it's a bad habit.”

Alice laughed, “True.”

“Seriously though, do you really think that James can help us?”

“He doesn't really know Lily. I think he might actually like her after he spends some time with her; I'm mates with him for a reason. I know what he thinks of her and it's the total opposite of what she's really like.”

“Wait, you think that he'll fall for her?!”

“No, I don't think James is even capable of monogamy, he's tried it two times, both were a total failure, that's enough for him. Yet, I think that if he gets to know her, he'll want Lily to finally see how much she's worth. How she deserves more; he hates cheaters.”

“Are you sure about all of that?” Elle asked doubtfully. “Because, honestly, it sounds like a bit of a stretch.”

“I'm hopeful— very hopeful.”

“But what if it doesn't-”

Elle was interrupted by the bedroom door opening to reveal a groggy Lily. She walked over to where they were sitting on the couch, sitting next to Alice and Elle, hugging herself. “I feel pathetic. I can't get that image out of my head. I try to, but whenever I close my eyes, I see them.”

“Sweetie,” Elle pulled her into a tight hug. “It'll get better, I promise. If you ever get sad about it, we're here, helping you out every step of the way.”

“I know,” Lily told them in a defeated voice. “It just gets to me; it comes out of nowhere, just when I'm starting to feel better and I just… I just don't get it! I mean, why Rachel of all people? Why one of my best friends? What makes her so much better than me?”

“Nothing Lily, absolutely nothing,” Alice told her. “You're prettier; you're smarter, wittier, and just more fun in general. You're the full package—everything a guy could possibly want.”

“Just not full enough,” Lily spitefully bit out, trying to keep the tears form coming.

“Lily, he's just a horny bastard. Honestly, I think you deserve way better and I don't know why the bloody hell you even want that prick back.”

Lily looked at her, her face contorting in confusion. “Why are you helping me? If you think that, why are you going along with this?”

Alice shrugged, “You'd do it even if I didn't help you and most of all, you would do it for me even if you didn't agree with it. I figure I may as well be as supportive as I can be. After all, it's your life, your mistakes, your prerogative.”

“Thanks?” Lily told her with a small smile.

“No problem, just don't expect me to let you forget that I totally don't agree with all this. I still, and will always, think that you deserve better.”

“There's no one better, I need him,” she told her as she got up. Lily took a deep sigh, regaining composure, trying to put on a firm front—more for herself than anyone else, to try and feel like she was stronger—a better person.

“We should get ready for breakfast. Want to meet up down there in fifteen minutes?” she asked.

“Okay, we should head back to our dorms to changes,” Elle told her.

--

Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while,
Heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies,
Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst,
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

-“Forever Young” by Youth Group

--

Tuesday

--

“Oy, Prewitt,” Sirius called out to her as she and Elle walked into the Great Hall, “Eat with us today, we miss your sarcastic comments.”

“You really know how to charm a girl, don't you?” she asked him with a smirk as she and Elle took seats their seats next to them.

“Sad part is that his lines work on so many girls,” Frank quipped.

“You're just jealous,” Sirius told him.

“They don't fall for his words, but his face,” Elle commented.

“Oy, I'm right here you know?” Sirius exclaimed.

“I think they've noticed, mate,” James told him with a smirk, obviously enjoying the situation.

Elle, Frank, and Alice broke out in hysterics when they saw Sirius pouting. “Poor baby,” Elle sympathized. “What can I do to make you feel better?”

“A kiss would be nice,” he told her with a sly smirk.

“Not going to happen, sweetie,” she told him.

“Something's missing,” Frank commented out of no where.

“Where did that come from?” Alice asked, laughing at his randomness.

“I know what it is, where's Lily, isn't she always with you two?” he asked, choosing to ignore Alice's comment.

“I don't know, she should already be down here,” Alice said, looking around the great hall to see if she had missed her friend when she had come in.

“Knowing her she probably walked into a wall or something,” Elle said.

“True,” Alice agreed.

“She walked into a wall?” Remus asked incredulously.

“Yes I did, and I'd rather that you didn't remind me of it. Painful memories,” Lily winced, moving from where she was behind him to take a seat between him and Alice. “And you were wrong Elle; I didn't walk into a wall, today at least.”

“You didn't? But you've done that ever day since first year, it's like clock work.”

“It's true, it's practically tradition,” Alice agreed.

“Who would have thought that perfect Evans walks into walls on a daily basis,” James commented with an under tone of taunting.

Lily chose to ignore it, figuring she'd have to stay on his good side if she wanted him to help her out. “In my defense, it's really hard to see when you're all bleary eyed when you just woke up. It's an honest mistake, an error in judgment if you will.”

“You're so desperate to make it out to be normal, don't justify it. Lils, you walk into walls, there's no excuse for that one,” Elle laughed.

“What I'm wondering right now is how you didn't walk into a wall,” Alice said.

“Just didn't,” Lily said proudly. “Although I did have a little mishap with the door and the stairs.

“How little?” asked a curious Frank.

Lily's face darkened once she mentioned it, a scowl marring her face, “I pulled at the door rather forcefully rather then pushing, you can figure out what happened from there. As for the stairs, I fell into the trick step,” she muttered, blushing in embarrassment as the entire table erupted in laughter.

“You'd think that after 7 years here you'd finally figure out where the trick step is,” Alice teased her.

“It's not my fault! I didn't have my coffee yet, you can't possibly expect me to function properly without it. I'm still in a sleep induced coma until I have my second cup.”

“Bloody hell, she even manages to use big words in the morning. Remus, my dear, I think we've found your perfect match,” Sirius said.

“You're forgetting that she has a boyfriend,” Remus dryly commented.

“Where is he anyway, aren't you two always attached by the hip?” James asked.

Lily shifted uncomfortably once he made that comment. Alice immediately noticed her discomfort and answered for her, “You think he's an annoying wanker, I figured you'd be rejoicing over the fact that he's not here rather than asking for him. Are you secretly in love with him, James?” she teased him.

“No,” James said, pouting, his ego obviously offended by the comment.

“Classes start in five minutes, we should go,” Elle announced.

As everyone got up to leave, Alice pulled James to her so that they were walking behind the rest of the group, “What's going on?” he asked, brows furrowing in confusion.

“I need your help with something… something important.”

James looked at her, worried by how serious she was, a feat for Alice to say the least. “Alice whatever it is, I'm there, you can count on me. You know that.”

Alice smiled at him, “Thanks, a little reassurance is always nice. Just please meet me at the Room of Requirement at five… and keep what you just said in mind when I tell you what I have to tell you,” she told him before walking away and joining Lily and Elle.

“What the hell did I just agree to?”

--

If you could rewind your time,
Would you change your life?

Do you like you?
Do you love your wife?
Or did you pick what
You're told was right

-“Rewind” by Stereophonics

--

“Okay, I'm here,” James announced as he walked into the Room of Requirement to meet Alice. “So what's going on? What do you need my help with?”

“How about we put a little pause on the Spanish inquisition you have going on there until the others get here.”

“Others?”

“I'll explain when they get here.”

“I would just like to state for the record that it's Lily's fault that we're late,” Elle announced as the pair walked into the room.

“It's only three minutes,” Lily pouted.

“Love, you've never been on time for anything in your life.

“Shut up, you're going to make me cry,” Lily whined.

“Will someone please explain to me what's going on here?” asked an exasperated James.

“Well, you see they're doing this thing called bickering. Elle's currently mocking Lily's time management skills,” Alice teased him, well aware of how annoyed he was with her for evading the topic at hand.

“That's not what I meant and you know it,” he told her through gritted teeth.

“Okay, okay, no need to get all riled up Jamie-Poo,” she told him as she pinched his cheek.

“Jamie-Poo?” Alice and Elle echoed.

“You promised you wouldn't call me that name in front of other people,” he whined.

“What can I say? I lied.”

“She does that a lot,” Elle quipped.

“Shut up,” Alice told her.

“You know as fascinating as this is, I do have other things to do,” James announced. “And what are Evans and Poirot doing here anyway?” James asked Alice.

“Well that's kind of why Alice asked you here- you see- well-” Elle stumbled for words.

“Oh, spit it out already,” Alice snapped.

“Well, if you think you could do a better job, then go ahead.”

“Fine I will. James, how much do you want to get back at Fenwick?” Alice asked him.

He looked at her, utterly baffled as to what she was alluding to, “And how do you propose I do that?”

Alice silently answered his question by shifting her gaze to an obviously uncomfortable Lily.

Author's note: so there you have it, the latest installment to this fic (p.s. I posted early b/c I have a swim team match and a debate the next 2 days so I won't have time to then).

I also just wanted to apologize to everyone for only being able to give weekly updates at the moment, I can promise you that by the end of this month (when girls' swim season ends) I will be updating 2-3 times a week, but for now that's impossible.

Once again sorry.

Oh, and please review!

-->

4. Phase II: Convincing the Boy Toy

Chapter XIV: Phase II: Convincing the Boy Toy

--

Here come the morning that I say goodbye to ya,
Here come the morning that'll say goodbye,
But I don't turn around cause the reason is treason,
Here come the morning that I say goodbye to ya,
Here come the morning that'll say goodbye,
But I don't turn around cause the reason is treason

-“Reason is Treason” by Kasabian

--

Tuesday

--

“Through Evans? Why the hell would I do that? Wait, why would she do that-” James ranted, obviously disturbed by the idea.

“He cheated on me,” Lily exclaimed, louder than she had intended when she finally got fed up with his disgust at the idea of helping her.

James immediately sobered, paused for a second to process the information, “Seriously?”

“Yeah, why would I tell you that if it wasn't even true?” an agitated Lily snapped at him.

“Listen, Evans,” James said, slightly stammering, unsure as to what to say, “I'm really sorry, you deserve better than that.”

“That's kind of a pot calling the kettle black sort of thing, isn't it?” she asked him, too angry at the situation itself to have noticed his sincerity.

Alice and Elle's eyes widened at her statement, expecting the blowup that would undoubtedly follow. James's demeanor immediately changed, his facial expression hardened, “What the bloody hell are you trying to say?”

“Well, you don't exactly have an honorable history with girls, so really, who are you to talk?”

“That's not fair-”

“Why not?”

“I never promised those girls anything. I never told them that they meant anything more to me than they really did, I never lead them on—you know what, I don't know why I'm defending myself to you, you're just a spiteful hag,” he spat at her before storming out of the room.

“Nice,” Alice sarcastically told her before running after James. “James, stop! I didn't do anything; will you please at least talk to me?”

“Why the hell should I Alice? What's the point?” he asked her, stopping, but never turning to face her.

When Alice reached him she had to turn him around to face her so that he'd look at her, she could see that he was still seething with anger at what Lily had said to him. “She's hurt James; she was a bitch back there, but-”

“Don't- don't protect her now. You're her mate, and I get that Alice. You have to be loyal to her, I understand that as well. But just let me cool off, okay?” he told her before he walked away.

“He cheated on her with Rachel,” Alice shouted after him.

James stopped in his place, “He always was a bastard.” He stood there, rooted in his place for what felt like hours before he finally spoke, “So why do you need me?”

“She wants him back.”

James turned to her, obviously puzzled by her statement; totally, utterly baffled. “What- why-”

“She loves him, James.”

“Stupid reason,” James mumbled.

“Says the commitment-phoebe,” Alice teased him in an attempt to lighten the mood, ease the tension.

James couldn't fight her on that statement; he knew that it was true. He had never been in love before; he had never understood the way that people acted when they were in love. So illogical, so foolish, it was for those reasons that he could never picture himself actually falling for someone. “What do you need from me?”

“She wants to make him jealous. You- You'd be perfect for it, flirt with her, spend some time with her, make Fen-Prick jealous-”

“Fen-Prick?” asked an amused James.

“I like it.”

“It does suit him rather well.”

“So, will you do it?”

“Alice-”

“James, please. You're our only hope.”

“There are tons of other guys that'd love to spend time with Evans.”

“You're the one that'd actually make Fen-Prick feel intimidated You're perfect for it.”

“Alice,” he began, but when he saw her desperation, he couldn't rebuff her. “I'll think about it.”

Alice jumped on him, hugging him tightly, “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you-”

“Calm down Prewitt, I didn't say yes.”

She climbed off of him, merely saying: “We'll see,” before making her way back to the Room of Requirement.

--

If I told you things I did before,
Told you how I used to be,
Would you go along with someone like me?

If you knew my story word for word,
Had all of my history,
Would you go along with someone like me?

-“Young Folks” by Peter Bjorn & John

--

“You were a right bitch to him, you know that?” Alice asked, furious with Lily when she returned.

“I know,” Lily said remorse evident in her tone. “I'm sorry, I was just so angry… but he's right, I am such a cow, a bloody hag.”

“Yes, you are- but I talked to him, got him to consider the whole thing.”

“Now it's only a matter of whether or not he'll agree to help,” Elle said.

--

Was it something I said?

Or was it something you read
That's making me think that

I should never have come here.
I can offer you lies, I can tell you good-bye.
I can tell you I'm sorry,

But I can't tell you the truth, dear
And what if I could -- would it do any good?
You'll still never get to see the contents of

My shoe box
Shoe box of lies
Shoe box
Shoe box of lies

-“Shoebox” by The Barenaked Ladies

--

“Wotcher Potter,” Sirius greeted James as he entered the room and threw himself onto the couch opposite of the bed James was lying in.

“Don't you ever knock?” James asked him, never bothering to raise his head to look at his friend.

“Ah, you see the beauty of being mates is that all need for niceties such as that are no longer necessary, ergo yours truly no longer finds himself obligated to knock.”

James laughed at his reasoning, “You're an idiot.”

“Totally beside the point.”

“And what is the point?”

“Prewitt told me that you're to become Evans' new boy toy.”

James shot up at that statement, “I'm not her boy toy!”

“Why not? She's bloody gorgeous, any guy would be lucky to play that role.”

“She only wants me to do it because Fenwick cheated on her, so she needs someone to help make him jealous.”

“I know, Alice told me. So what's the problem?”

“What do you mean? How the hell is that a good idea?”

“Okay, well on one hand, the rather enjoyable one if I do say so myself, you get to be the hottest girl in school's boy toy. Then, there's the added bonus that it's piss Fenwick off.”

“It just seems so stupid. She wants me to do this so she can get her cheating boyfriend to reform, to love her. It's retarded logic.”

“I don't get it, what's stopping you from doing it?”

“First of all, I think she's a hag and she thinks I'm an ass. And second of all, there's no way that it'll work.”

“You are an ass towards her though.”

“She's a bitch towards me,” James defended.

“Just seems like a waste to me, even if it doesn't ultimately work out as planned in the end. I mean, just think of how angry Fenwick would be if he caught wind of the fact that you were trying to steal his girl, and then picture his face when he realizes that she enjoys the attention.”

--

Take my hand
Come with me
Into this crystal scenery
And wait, `til I retain the ticket
You would never have the time,
I would love to change your mind,
You were there
And it was good in the beginning

-“Crystal Village” by Pete Yorn

--

“Wotcher Evans,” James greeted her as he walked into her room.

“Potter? What are you doing here?”

“Just wanted to tell you that I'm in. You've got yourself a boy toy.”

Author'snote: so I've been feeling really guilty about not being able to update as often as I'd like so I've decided that I'm going to try my best to update two times every other week (so 3 chapters per every two week)- fair trade off until November, or at least I'd like to believe so...

please R&R

-->

5. Phase III: Alluding

Chapter V: Phase III: Alluding

--

Now you know that it's all your fault,
How are you doing with it?
Hey, are you nervous?
Everything that you've ever known will go up in flames,
Tell me, are you nervous?

-Are You Nervous?” by Rock Kills Kid

--

Tuesday

--

“You're in?” Lily repeated for the sixteenth time, still trying to process what had just happened.

“Yes, I'm in,” James slowly repeated, looking at her in confusion, “You alright, Evans? You're not usually this dim witted?”

“Shut up!” she exclaimed, pausing from her pacing to throw a pillow at his head.

“Hey- hey, watch the hair.”

“Oh please, like it makes much of a difference. It still looks like a mess anyway.”

“You have no respect.”

“Whatever—but seriously, are you sure?”

“Yes I am, now, are you going to tell me what I have to do or what?”

“Oh, right… well I guess we should start slowly, subtly. Maybe we can have our meals together, partner up in class, and flirt in public a bit.”

“okay, no problem,” he saluted her before leaving the room.

“James,” Lily called out after him.

“Yeah?” he asked, returning to the doorway.

“I'm sorry. You know, about what I said before. I was a total bitch, you didn't deserve it—any chance we can blame it all on girly hormones?” she asked him with a slight smile.

He smiled, really smiled at her for the first time in their seven years of schooling, “You got it, boss.”

“Thanks… for everything.”

“No problem, I'll get a lot of pleasure out of seeing Fenwick's face after all this.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“Night, Evans.”

“Night, Potter,” she told him as he closed the door, leaving her room.

--

I want so badly to believe that

"There is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent
That it's absurd

-“Clark Gable” by The Postal Service

--

Wednesday

--

“Good morning?” Lily greeted James, confusion evident in her face and tone when she saw that he was waiting for her the next morning.

“Morning. Ready to go?”

“Why were you waiting for me?”

“Well, we don't want people to think that all of a sudden we're flirting in class. By coming down together we're proving that we hung out before that, people just didn't know it. It's all about making it believable, Evans.”

“How is it that everyone other then me knows how to do this when I am the one actually going through with this plan?”

“You're just not smart enough, Evans,” he teased her, but for the first time it was good naturedly, as though Lily taking the first step to actually apologize to him the night before had mended many of the problems between the pair. “Now come on, I don't want to get down and see that they're all out of chocolate chip pancakes.”

“I'm going, I'm going.”

--

Oh, look what you've done,
You've made a fool of everyone,
Oh well, it seems likes such fun,
Until you lose what you had won

-“Look What You've Done” by Jet

--

Lily paused right before the doors to the Great Hall and turned to James, “Hey, before we go in, can I ask you something?”

“Um, sure.”

“I know I don't deserve your help or anything-”

“Just spit it out Evans, we're going to have to start off on a clean slate if we want this to work. Better not to bring up the past if we want it to work out,” James interrupted her.

“Just promise to keep me from killing Rachel when she comes over.”

He laughed at how serious she was when telling him that, nodding in response, “Sure.”

“Okay, good. Now we can go in.”

“After you,” he told her, opening the door for her.

“Do my eyes deceive me or are James and Lily actually acting, dare I say it, civil?” Remus dramatically exclaimed as the two walked towards the table, drawing attention from much of the student body that was so used to their backhanded comments directed towards one another.

“Very funny,” Lily said sarcastically.

“Oh Lils, there you are, I've been looking everywhere for you,” they heard a sudden voice exclaim from behind them.

“Rachel, how are you?” Lily asked with a forced smile, trying to fight the urge to slap the girl when she suddenly felt a reassuring squeeze on her knee from James who was sitting next to her.

“Oh you know, the usual,” she said before leaning down to whisper to Lily. “What are you doing with the Marauders? I thought you hated them?”

“Maybe I was wrong,” Lily vaguely said.

“Oh, okay,” Rachel said, obviously not very satisfied with the response. “Well, you should join Sarah and me at the other end of the table; we have some great gossip to tell you.”

“Thanks for the offer, but I already promised James I'd have breakfast with him.”

“Oh, okay. Um, well then, see you in class,” Rachel said, slightly confused by the fact that she had just been rejected by Lily for the Marauders before leaving.

“Where are Prewitt and Poirot?” Sirius asked.

“Do you address anyone by their first name?” Lily asked with an amused smile.

“Yeah, James and Remus.”

“Although he usually uses some embarrassing nick names for us, so I'd revel in the fact that he calls you Evans rather than some other absurd name,” James told her.

“It's true,” Alice told her as she and Elle took seats next to Remus and Sirius across from Lily and James.

“I believe he calls James: Jamie, Jamie-Poo, Jimmy, and Jamsie,” Remus commented.

“And you put up with that?” Lily asked James.

James just shrugged, “As long as he's the only one calling me that.”

“okay… Jamie-Poo.”

He turned to her, gaping in shock, “Not you too! Please no,” he groaned.

“I don't know, it's kind of cute,” Lily laughed.

“Fine, then-”

“Morning love,” James was interrupted by Benjy who hugged Lily from behind, giving her a quick peck on the cheek. He then looked at the group, his eyes finally settling on James, “Potter, what are you doing here?”

“I was just talking to your lovely girlfriend,” James told him with a pleasant smile, never taking his eyes off Lily, slightly winking at her when he said the word “lovely.”

“I'll bet you were,” Benjy said, glaring at him having noticed the emphasis he had put on the word lovely.

“Okay, I'm getting bored with this staring competition and grunt fest, so can we talk about something, oh I don't know, interesting?” Alice asked.

“I concur,” Lily said.

“There was no grunting,” James pouted.

“There was, but its okay, we'll ignore it,” Lily told him with a slight wink that she was sure that Benjy took notice of.

--

I'm a war, of head versus heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak; my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say.

-“Crooked Teeth” by Death Cab for Cutie

--

Lily, Alice, and Elle were all in the Head Dorm doing homework on Lily's bed when Alice finally broke the silence, “You and James seemed to fall into your roles pretty easily.”

“I don't know- it's weird, I don't know what to make of him. One second we hate one another, the next we're—friendly,” Lily sighed, dropping her quill knowing that when Alice wanted to talk about something there was no point in trying to do anything else, she always required someone's full attention.

“Well, what do you know?” Alice asked, confused by the statement.

“I feel like I'm supposed to hate him… I mean he's cocky, conceited, vain, and then there's also the fact that he abhors me…”

“But?”

“But, he can be nice… underneath all the jackass-ness is an okay bloke, he can be semi sweet, I think.”

“Not much of a final consensus,” Elle teased.

“I know, but it's all just so—blah.”

“blah?”

“Oh whatever, it's not like I should have made a final consensus on the first day,” Lily brushed it off.

“At least you're finally starting to acknowledge the fact that he just may not be the spawn of Satan, but a decent person,” Alice commented.

“Look at Alice being all positive, such a change from her usual pessimism,” Elle teased.

“Oh shut up,” Alice exclaimed as she threw a pillow at Elle's head, who ducked so it hit Lily instead.

“You bloody cow!” Lily cried as she grabbed a pillow and threw it at Alice.

As the girls were having a pillow fight, they didn't notice that the door had opened to reveal an extremely amused James. “Now this is what dreams are made of, any chance I can join in?” he said, causing Elle to fall off the bed from the surprise when she unexpectedly heard his voice.

“Piss off Potter, look at what you did to Elle, you know how timid she is,” Alice scolded him.

“So, is that a no?”

“Yes it's a no, what are you doing here anyway?” Lily asked.

“I just wanted to tell you to save me a seat in class, I think it's time we partner up,” he told her before leaving the room.

“It's pathetic how he can be so hot even when acting like a total wanker,” Elle cried into the pillow.

--

Author's note: voila! So there you have it, another chapter, I hope you enjoyed it, please review (anything at all! Good or bad)!

-->

6. Phase IV: Partnering Up

Chapter VI: Phase IV: Partnering Up

--

I can see there's something in your eyes;
You just took a fall from paradise,
Saw the lipstick on your neck,

Maybe you should just confess

I don't wanna lose my head today,
But I know there's something in the way,
Maybe I made a big mistake last night,
when I left you alone with Chelsea…

-“Chelsea” by Stefy

--

Thursday

--

“I don't want to go in, I hate potions, it's boring,” Lily whined as Elle and Alice literally tried to push her into the room.

“Yes, you do manage to fall asleep from boredom in that class very often, but,” Alice said, throwing an arm around her shoulders and pushing her into the class. “Just imagine Fen-Prick's reaction when he sees you working with James rather than him as he'd expected.”

Lily smiled a bit at the mention of it, “Do you think he'll be jealous?”

“Fen-Prick's the type, especially if you choose James of all people over him.”

“Hey Lils,” Benjy suddenly grabbed her from behind and turned her to face him, giving her a quick kiss. “What table do you want to sit at today?”

“Uh- well- um- I kind of-”

“She promised to be my partner today Fenwick, sorry,” James suddenly interrupted seemingly out of nowhere before taking her by the arm and leading her to a table in the back of the room.

“Lily,” Benjy called out, following the pair, quickly pulling her away from James with a scathing look sent this way. “What's going on? We always work together.”

Lily paused for a second, searching for a plausible excuse, cursing the fact that Alice and Elle weren't around to help her with it. “I know, I know, but James really needs help in potions and we have a ton of Head stuff to go over so we figured we'd just do it all in class so we don't have to waste as much of our free time,” Lily told him before walking away to sit by James not even processing the lie before it left her mouth, even shocking herself by how naturally it came out.

Benjy was in a state of shock, grumbling as he searched for another partner before gruffly grabbing Rachel, who was passing by them, and pulling her to the table next to Lily and James's, only bothering to mumble a quick, “Come on,” as he dragged her to their seats.

“He's sitting with her?” Lily whispered as she jealously watched the two sitting at their desk and listening to the professor's instructions.

“He's an idiot Evans, ignore it. Besides, the whole point of this was to make him jealous, not the other way around.”

“Yeah, but still, he's my idiot Potter… I love him… all of this, it's all for him,” she told him, her eyes never leaving the two.

James gently pulled at her so that she was facing him rather then the other couple, “I don't get it and I'm not going to pretend to because it's your life, your prerogative, but if it helps, I can tell you that he's definitely jealous.”

“Really? You think so?” she asked him, her face immediately lightening up at the prospect.

“Yeah, he's even sending me a death glare as we speak.”

“Well… good, serves him right,” Lily adamantly said.

“Don't pretend like you actually mean that, it makes you seem more pathetic then you already come off as by wanting the guy that cheated on you,” James told her before going off to the supply cabinet to collect their ingredients.

Lily waited for him, internally fuming over his comment, his audacity. While she was mentally composing a list of “101Painful Deaths to Inflict upon One James Potter” she suddenly heard someone whisper her name. “Rachel? What do you want?”

“What's with you and Potter lately, since when are the two of you all buddy-buddy?”

“What do you mean?”

“You sit with him at meals, talk to him, and now you work with him during class… wait a minute, oh my God, you're not like rethinking your relationship with Benjy or something, are you? Because if you are, you know you can talk to me.”

When Lily looked at Rachel's face, she was shocked by the girl's facial expression. It was like one of those maniacal, conniving looking villains that she only ever saw on her Saturday morning cartoons and in movies like “Who killed Roger Rabbit,” only that time it was brought to life, real. It was at that moment that Lily realized that Rachel really had the whole evil bitch thing down pat; it was practiced to a “t,” flawless. For the first time Lily was scared, she started to realize that she could fail, after all, she was going up against a professional at manipulation.

“Sorry to interrupt ladies and you're gossiping, but Lily and I really have to start working on this potion if we want to finish on time," James interrupted when he arrived with the materials.

Rachel smiled coquettishly at him; after all there was an undeniable je ne sais quoi about James that was irresistible, regardless of whom the girl, or even at times guy, was. “Sure, wouldn't want to come in between the two of you,” she told him before winking at Lily.

Lily just sat there frozen with a confused expression on her face, watching Rachel and Benjy get to work, “God, I hate her.”

“You know, the whole brooding thing you have going on for you there, really isn't very attractive, you look rather constipated—help me with the snake skin,” James told her as he passed it to her.

“You really are a jack ass… and I'm not pathetic!” she told him as she began cutting up the snake skin.

“No, because acting like a five year-old isn't pathetic at all.”

“I am not acting like a five year-old.”

“Then, stop pouting.”

“Can't you ever just be nice?—and stir that ten times clockwise then four counter.”

“I agreed to help you piss off Fenwick, not to let you live in your delusional world where he does no wrong, because guess what, he's a cheating prick. Face facts Evans.”

“You're such a jerk,” Lily told him louder then she had intended, managing to get the entire class's attention.

James turned to her, eyebrow cocked, and signature smirk in place, “You know, I never noticed it before, but you're pretty sexy when you get all hot and angry like that.”

She laughed, "No matter what you're always a flirt above all, aren't you?”

“What can I say; it's a gift—well, looks like the potion is done.”

It was at that moment that the bell to signal the end of class rang and with it came Benjy, immediately appearing behind her, ready to pull her away from James as soon as possible after having witnessed their little show. “Ready to go, Lils?”

“Actually, she and I aren't done talking yet,” James answered for her.

“I'll meet you at lunch,” Lily told him.

Benjy clenched his jaw, addressing Lily through gritted teeth, “Can I talk to you, alone?”

“Um, sure,” she said, as he pulled her out the room.

“I don't want you hanging out with him, Lily,” he told her gruffly.

“Benjy, don't worry about me. I mean, don't you trust me?” she asked him, fully well aware of the fact that she was pulling out all the stops by asking him that seemingly innocent question.

“Of course I do Lils, but I also know what he's like, you don't know him like I do--”

“That's enough Benjy, he's a mate of mine and I won't let you say that about him. Just drop it,” she told him before walking away with James in tow.

“OH MY GOD!” Lily shrieked joyfully as soon as the pair was outside of the castle. “I can't believe it, he's actually jealous.”

“Well of course he is, he just saw his girlfriend flirting with his worst enemy,” James pointed out to her as the two walked towards the lake, taking a seat in a deserted area by the rocks.

“You know what this means, don't you? Our plan's working.”

“Well, that depends.”

“On what?”

“On what your goal is,” James shrugged.

“What do you mean?”

“You know for Head Girl you can be surprisingly dense sometimes.”

“And you're a total jackass, we've already covered that. Now how about we skip the insults for once and just get to the point.”

“Do you just want him to be jealous or to actually stop cheating?”

“I want him to love me,” Lily said quietly, embarrassed by the statement.

James looked at her incredulously, pausing for a second to process what she had just said, “But- but you two have been together forever.”

“So?”

“So hasn't he ever told you that he loves you before?”

“No… never, I guess it never came up. I just—I just want him to realize that he does, I know it's there. He just needs to see it.”

“So you think he does, but doesn't know it? Fuck Evans, that's got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard.”

“Well, then seriously, what other reason could he have for staying with me for so long?”

The face that James gave her then made her feel so ignorant, naïve—pathetic. It was an expression of such pity that it made her feel like hell. “Lily, I may think that you're annoying and all that-”

“Gee thanks.”

“No interrupting just let me finish first.”

“Fine.”

“Even with our animosity, I can admit that there's something about you. I mean—,” he said with a sigh, obviously searching for a way to explain it to her. “Okay, one: you're hot as hell-”

“Um, what does that have to do with anything?”

James smiled, waging a finger in front of her face, “I said, no interrupting.”

“Prick,” Lily mumbled.

James ignored the comment, “and in spite of your evident lack of maturity-”

“That's rich, coming from you.”

“I'm trying to help you understand, I don't have to if you don't want me to.”

Those words shut Lily up, he was right; she was genuinely interested in what he had to say. If there was anyone that could interpret Benjy, it was James, even someone as naïve as her could see that one. “Sorry,” she mumbled, unable to say it louder due to her pride.

“You're the hottest girl in our school, smart, Head Girl. Hell, you're even funny at times. You're the most wanted girl here, and for that reason he wouldn't ever let you go even if he lost interest in you. You're the biggest prize around here.”

Lily looked at him disbelievingly, “now that doesn't feel degrading at all. I can't believe you're saying that he feels nothing more for me other than pride over the fact that he `owns' me. You don't really believe that, do you?” she asked him with distaste.

“Considering that he's schtuping one of your friends behind your back? Yes.”

“ugh, you're such a wanker, I can't believe you'd actually say that to me! You don't know anything about us James, he's not like that, I know it!” she told him before she pushed him off the rock into the water and walked away, ignoring his long stream of inappropriate words directed towards her.

As Lily was walking towards the castle she noticed Rachel making her way to the quidditch field. Time to do some damage control, she thought to herself as she made her way to her former best friend. “Hey girly,” she greeted Rachel.

“Hey, what's up?”

“Nothing much, what about you?”

“Well, you know what a rabid quidditch fan I am.”

“Yeah,” Lily said, thinking about the double meaning behind those words. “Anyway, I wanted to ask if you had any plans for your birthday.”

“None as of yet, why?”

“I wanted to throw a party for you… something really nice.”

“You would? You are the best mate ever, you know that?” Rachel told her as she pulled her into a bone crushing hug.

“Well, glad to know you like the idea.”

“I love it… oh, can it be a surprise party?”

“But you already know about it.”

“Yeah, but I can pretend that I don't, I'm a great actress so it shouldn't be too hard. Come on, please, I really want one.”

“Um, okay, sure—listen I should go, you enjoy your boy watching.”

“Okay, bye,” Rachel called out after her as Lily left.

--

This love has taken its toll on me,
She said, Goodbye, too many times before,
Her heart is breaking in front of me,
I have no choice, `cause I won't say goodbye anymore

-“This Love” by Maroon 5

--

Lily walked in to see Alice and Elle sitting by the fire flirting with two players from the quidditch team, but as soon as they saw Lily enter, they quickly excused themselves.

“Hey what's up?” Elle greeted her.

“Any chance you two would be interested in helping me plan a party?” Lily asked them.

--

author's note: so I had major problems writing this chapter, something just feels off about it, my beta (being the amazing person she is) re-read it like 12 times trying to figure out what was wrong with it, but ultimately all she could come up with was that it was a filler so it just wasn't as exciting

I honestly don't know, but if any of you have any ideas, feel free to share!

-->

7. Back to the Drawing Board

Chapter VII: Back to the Drawing Board

--

Ever dance with the devil baby?

Oh no, Make my day.
Do you feel lucky?

Oh no, Tomorrow's another day
Can you walk on water maybe?

Oh no,

Turn water into wine?
Can I buy you a drink there lady?

Oh no,
Can you tell me another lie?

So be my Devil Angel,
Be my shooting star,
Be my Devil Angel,
Be my shooting star…

-“Devil” by Stereophonics

--

Friday

--

“So, where should we have the party? “ Lily asked. “The Room of Requirement?”

“Well, it might work, I mean no one other than the Marauders and us actually know about it,” Elle contemplated.

“Seems like such a waste to me. It's just Rachel, why not just have it in the common room?” Alice offered.

“But then we actually have to lift stuff and decorate,” Elle and Lily simultaneously whined.

“Ugh, I forgot about that. We can't very well walk through the corridors with the stuff floating after us; Filch is dying for a reason to give us detention. Bugger, we'll have to bring all of those little tables in for the brunch. I hate all the little details we're going to have to go through for this little party.”

“Now you know why I hate these parties,” Lily said.

“Good day ladies, any chance any of you fancy a little pick me up?” Sirius winked as he, James, and Remus entered the common room.

“Aw Sirius, you don't stand a chance,” Lily laughed.

“You know, I think I may have found a solution to our little dilemma,” Alice said, turning to the pair with a slightly devious smile.

“Given the timing of that announcement, I highly doubt that we're going to enjoy whatever it is that you have in mind,” Remus commented.

“It's nothing much-” Elle told them, trying to ease their minds.

“Just a bit of lifting-” Alice tried to put it lightly, while purposefully avoiding their eyes.

“But you're strong; you can handle it, can't you?” Lily challenged them, cocking an eyebrow.

“Of course we can!” Sirius immediately argued.

“I would say I can, but I doubt that I want to be able to right about now,” James contemplated.

“We just need some help bringing some stuff into the Gryffindor common room for Rachel's birthday party,” Alice told them.

“Why are you throwing a party for her?” Remus asked, ultimately having deciding that he would never understand a woman's logic.

“Not just any party!” Elle told him as though he had just asked the stupidest question on earth.

“A boring party,” Lily told them with a proud smile.

“Am I the only one that doesn't understand what's going on?” asked a thoroughly confused Sirius.

“Girl logic, don't even try or it'll just make your head hurt. Trust me,” James told him.

“Hey!” all three girls cried out, Alice even going so far as to throw a pillow at him.

“Oy! Watch the hair,” James told her.

“Yeah Alice, after all he does spend so much time on it,” Elle teased him.

“And you forgot about all of the hair products,” Lily reminded her.

“Oy, don't act like you aren't secretly in love with it,” James told them with a smirk.

“Oh whatever. Come on, we really need your help, please,” Alice begged.

“On one condition,” Sirius told her.

“No!” James and Remus simultaneously yelled at him.

“What is it?” Alice asked.

“We get to help you plan it, I love screwing up parties,” he told them with a slightly deranged smile. “You know, we could even put a potion in her drink to turn her blue or something embarrassing like that.”

“If you can make it a bit more realistic and less suspicious, deal,” Alice said slightly smiling at the thought of a blue Rachel, stretching out her hand to shake on it.

“Wait—that's all we get out of it?” Remus complained.

“Oh shush you, it's life, deal with it,” Lily waved him off.

“Fine,” James conceded with a defeated sigh.

“Traitor,” Remus muttered.

“Don't act like that, you know you'd give in, in the end. I just didn't want to waste anymore time on it.”

“So what's the plan?” Sirius asked excitedly.

“Brunch… tea, crackers, boring,” Lily listed.

“That does kind of make me want to fall asleep,” Sirius admitted.

“I have to make it seem like I tried though. It has to look nice, just be boring in the process.”

“Well, you know you could always-”

“That's it; I'm not going to plan. Already have to lift as it is, not going to do this as well. We have patrols anyway, ready Lils?” James asked her.

“And so the fun ends for me, I'll see you guys later,” she told them as she followed James out of the room.

“So,” James said as the two aimlessly roamed the hallways. “What are we supposed to talk about now that we actually put up with one another anyway?”

“I don't really know. I'm still sort of getting used to the whole you not being a total insufferable prat.”

“Total? Does that mean I still am one?”

“Well you're as much of a wanker as I always thought you were,” she told him simply, with a slight smile.

“Thanks.”

“I was joking,” she told him. “Honestly though, you can be kind of nice when you want to.”

“You can be okay too… you're actually not as annoying as I thought you would be.”

“Listen James, I'm sorry about yesterday… what you said really angered me and the red headed temper got the best of me. I really am sorry about it, though.”

“It's okay; I wasn't particularly sympathetic towards your feelings. There wasn't much tact in the way that I said it. I should have expected you to do that, honestly.”

“So, acquaintances?” she asked him, stretching out her hand to him.

“Acquaintances?”

“Well, I still think you're an arse and you think I'm a priss. I don't think we can be labeled as mates just yet.

“True,” he said, smiling at how blunt she was about it. “Acquaintances it is, then.”

“It's a quiet night,” Lily noted, when suddenly a giggling was heard from a nearby classroom. “And I spoke too soon yet again.”

“Would you like to do the honors, or should I?”

“Go ahead.”

“This is the part of the job that I love,” he told her with a wicked grim as he quietly made his way to the door.

“I think that we all-”

She was interrupted by James giving her a sign to quiet down so that the couple wouldn't hear them. Suddenly he opened the door, but what confused Lily was that as soon as he did, he closed it. He turned to her, facial expression turned from grin to grim, “Let's go.”

“James, what is it? Why don't you deduct points? Give them a detention.”

He stopped in his tracks, turning to her. “It was Fen-Prick and the slag,” he told her in a quiet voice. “Come on,” he took her hand, not giving her time to react as he led her to the lake in silence that was only interrupted once they arrived. They seated themselves by the rocks, “I'm really sorry Lils.”

“I- but- why isn't the plan working?” she stuttered, grasping for words, desperately trying to make sense of it all as the tears beginning to make their way down her face.

“Don't make me answer that, Lily.”

“Oh my God,” comprehension dawned upon her. “You were right weren't you? You were right all along… I'm just a bloody little trophy to him… a prize… I'm fucking unlovable, aren't I?”

“Lils, that's stupid,” he told her pulling her to him in a tight hug, “You're not unlovable, he's just a wanker.”

“But still-- he's my wanker, James! I love him; I need him to love me no matter how pathetic that may sound, it is what it is.”

“He doesn't deserve you,” he told her, in an attempt to dissuade her, even if he knew it wasn't likely to work given her stubbornness. “You're so much better than that, Lils.”

She moved out of his arms to get a better look at him, making sure to hold onto his hands for support. “James… just help me. Please, I need him.”

James sighed, silently nodding against his better judgment, knowing that he'd later regret the decision, “Fine.”

“You will?”

“Yeah.”

“So what do we do now?”

“Um, I think that the jealousy thing may be the best way to go. Just…Lily don't shag him-”

“What the bloody hell do you think I am? Some slag?”

“No, I don't, I think that you're a girl that's in love with him,” those words shut Lily up. “Just ignore him... he loves the chase,” he told her quietly, hating himself for helping her with this when the bloke obviously didn't deserve her.

“Okay.”

“Are you going to be okay?” he asked her, wiping away her tears.

“Yeah,” she told him with a smile. “We should probably head off to bed.”

“You go, I'm going to stay here for a while.”

“Okay, night.”

“Night, Lils.”

As she was walking away, she stopped dead in her tracks before going no more than five paces away from him. She turned to him, “Oy, James?” she called out, trying to get his attention away from whatever he was currently thinking about.

“Yeah?”

“How about we upgrade form acquaintances to mates?”

He smiled at her, “I think we can handle it.”

“Good, I agree.”

--

Author's note: I know, I know, “another filler?” but honestly, what can a girl do? It had some important stuff, and my beta said it was better then my last filler (i.e. the last chapter) so hopefully you'll agree and I won't have to feel as guilty about giving you a filler

-->

8. Phase V: Party

Chapter VIII: Phase V: Party

--

Everything you think you know, baby
Is wrong.
And everything you think you had, baby
Is gone.

Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard,
And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off,
Everything you think you know, baby
Is wrong.

-“It's All Over But The Crying” by Garbage

--

Saturday

--

“I'm so sorry Lily-Billy,” Elle hugged her as she tried to console her after having been told the story of what had happened the night before.

Alice, on the other hand, couldn't contain herself. “Well you can't honestly expect a wanker like that to just go cold turkey. It's only been a few day, what did you expect?”

“For him to stop. Was that so naïve of me?”

“Yes,” Alice told her.

“Fine,” Lily said shortly, trying to suck in her pride as she knew that they were honestly trying to help her, regardless of how much it hurt. You take what you can get, right?

“So James was with you?” Elle asked, trying to break the slight tension created. Blunt never really was a good route to go with as far as Lily's love life was concerned come to think of it, she thought to herself amusedly.

“Yeah, he was surprisingly nice to me through it all.”

“It's not all that surprising,” Alice told her. “I told you he was better than you thought.”

“I'm going to ignore that and pretend like I never doubted it,” Lily said with a small smile.

“Whatever you need for the sake your ego, right?” Elle teased her.

“Of course.”

“At least she's honest,” Alice commented.

“So what should we do in Hogsmeade today?” Elle asked.

“I can't, sorry. Made plans with Benjy. Actually, I should be heading down right now,” Lily said, as she ran to the mirror to check her appearance.

“You look fine,” Alice said, watching her from Lily's bed.

“I've been crying, ergo I can't possibly look fine.”

“Put on a bit of concealer and you're set.”

“Oh, good idea,” Lily said as she quickly took out her make up, applying it to her face. “Okay, I've got to go now, but Alice, if you see Rachel today, do tell her she's a whore, will you?”

“With pleasure. Have fun,” Alice told her with a smile.

“What the hell?!” Alice shrieked once Lily was out of ear shot.

“Calm down,” Elle told her.

“Wha- wha- wha?” James mumbled incoherently as he groggily stumbled into the room.

“Oh you didn't even go to bed that late, get over it!” Alice snapped at him.

“What's with her?” James asked Elle, yawning as he threw himself onto Lily's bed.

“Lily still hasn't gotten over Benjy or realized that he's an ass,” Elle said in bored tone, obviously used to the temper tantrums.

“Well, you can't very well just expect it to happen in one day, she's bloody in love with him, that's not going to change any time soon,” James told her with another loud yawn.

“When did you become so all knowing?” Alice asked him in an aggravated tone.

“Remus explained it all to me.”

“Figures.”

“No need to be a bitch, Alice. It's her life, her prerogative, and all that shit.”

“That's very philosophical of you, James,” Elle laughed.

“Why thank you, but the point is that you need to just be there for her. Be a mate, you can't really do much more.”

“Ugh, but I thought that it'd be easy. He wouldn't stop cheating and she'd quickly see what an arse he is, end of story,” Alice whined.

“So naïve, anyway, I'm off to get food,” James announced, pushing himself off the bed and making his way to the portrait hole.

“James, you're only wearing boxers,” Elle pointed out before he opened it.

“Right,” he said as he turned around and made his way back to his room.

“The saddest part of all is that that idiot is right,” Alice moped.

“I agree; it does come off as a bit of a shock.”

“So what do you think?”

“We'll be her mates, support her, and keep on calling him Fen-Prick. It's the most we can do without losing her.”

“So what does that make me? The bad guy?” Alice asked.

“No, she expected as much from you, even if it did hurt and she resented you for it… you're mates, she expected nothing less than your usual blunt self.”

“Okay, I just don't want to lose her.”

“Neither of us do Alice, but she's weak when it comes to stuff like that. We just have to be more careful about how we approach the topic.”

--

Tell me you'll love me like a star,
Tell me you want me wherever you are,
Tell me you'll breathe me till your last breath,
Liar, liar,
Oh, liar, liar…

- “Liar, Liar” by Alexz Johnson

--

“So where do you want to go?” Benjy asked her as the two walked hand in hand down the streets of Hogsmeade.

“How about we just hang out at the Three Broomsticks for the day?”

“Sure.”

“Merlin, it's been so long since we've really had any time to be alone, hasn't it?”

“You've been too busy with Potter,” he muttered, making her smile because she enjoyed the fact that she had been able to make him jealous.

“I'll make it up to you,” she told him with a small smile.

“Oh, you will, will you?” he asked her with a smirk, pulling her to him.

Lily put her hands on his chest, pushing him away lightly. “By buying you a butter beer, not that, I have my period this week,” Lily amended with a small teasing smile.

--

Come on now, sugar,
Bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
Just remember me when you're good to go,
Come on now, honey,
Bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
Just remember me when
We used to be friends, a long time ago…

-“We Used to be Friends” by the Dandy Warhols

--

Sunday

--

“So are you ready to go in? Lily asked Rachel with a smile.

“So it's at our dorm?” Rachel asked with obvious disappointment.

“Yep, now get your game face on, you want everyone to think it's a surprise party, don't you?”

“Okay, I'm ready.”

“Then let's get the party started.”

As soon as Lily opened the door everyone immediately shouted “Surprise!” and Rachel immediately put on the fakest surprised face known to man. What a testament to her acting skills, Lily thought bitterly to herself as she watched her ex-best friend rant about how shocked she was.

“Well, she's some actress,” James commented from behind her as the two observed her.

Lily laughed, “Now that's funny. So I didn't know you were going to be here.”

“I just had to see the show. Oh and congrats, this is definitely the most boring party I've ever been to,” he told her as he turned to look around the disgustingly pink room filled with small tea tables, cringing at the sound of orchestral music in the background.

Lily laughed, “Thanks… you know, you're oddly talented at cheering me up.”

“What can I say, it's a gift… anyway, I should go, before the boringness and pink really gets to me, I mean there's only so much a bloke can take.”

“I do believe that this is the perfect opportunity to revel in her disappointment anyway, cheers.”

“Enjoy it.”

“Oh I will,” she promised him before making her way to Rachel. “So, how are you enjoying it? Isn't it great?”

“Um, well, it's definitely one of a kind,” she told Lily with a pathetic excuse of a smile.

“Oh, I just knew you'd love it,” Lily smiled, hugging her tightly, trying to keep herself from gagging as she did so. “I'm so glad that you let me plan this, I was sure you'd want something really mature and grown up. Although I do have to say the guests' reactions are rather disappointing, but you like it, don't you?” Lily asked with a false cheery smile, knowing how much it tortured Rachel to pretend to enjoy the party as it was her one chance to have all the attention on her, an annual experience that Rachel always had taken great pleasure in.

“Of course… they just don't have any taste.”

“Exactly, anyway, I'll let you go now. There are so many people waiting to congratulate you.”

“Okay,” Rachel said with a weak smile, “Bye.”

--

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends,
I found the light in the tunnel at the end
And now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
It's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry
Yeah, it makes me smile
Yeah, it makes me smile
At worst I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile
I go ahead and smile

-“smile” by Lily Allen

--

“It's horrible,” Lily heard a voice cry as she was walking through the party, making rounds, greeting people and mingling. She instantly recognized the voice and neared to the pillar, opposite of which she could tell Rachel was speaking to someone.

“What is?” the girl asked.

“This party, I mean it's my bloody seventeenth birthday and I get a bloody tea party!”

“Well at least she threw you a party that was awfully nice of her; really looks like it took a lot of effort.”

“I don't bloody well care! The most popular people in school are here, and what do we have to do? Drink tea! All the boys have left, even Lily looked bored.”

“No way, why would she throw you the party if she thought it was boring?”

“Apparently she thought I'd enjoy it, that this was my idea of a perfect party.”

“Well it is rather charming; I think it was sweet of her. Not many girls in our school would go through all this effort. Besides, you like pink.”

“This is unbelievable; you're taking her side after she sabotaged my party, seriously?”

“Well I wouldn't exactly call it sabotaging.”

“There's nothing to do, but drink tea!” Rachel exclaimed, and Lily couldn't help, but smile at the mental image of Rachel coming very close to clawing the girl's eyes out—or in a version that was slightly less realistic, (but much more preferable in Lily's opinion) was that of her ripping her hair out in her frustration.

“It is very good tea and there's a chocolate fountain to dip fruit into.”

“I'm on a diet.”

“It's the thought that counts. So what if there is nothing to do, we can always talk, that's always fun.”

“Not at a birthday.”

“You really need to learn to be more appreciative love,” the girl told her before walking away.

“That bloody bitch, wouldn't know a good party if it smacked her upside the head,” Rachel muttered, storming off.

“Don't smirk, you'll only look suspicious,” Alice told her, taking her by surprise from behind.

“I won't, I'm holding it off.”

“Just warning you Lils, you haven't won anything. She may be dense enough for it to mean everything to her and actually leave a dent, but she's still got the prick.”

Lily's expression immediately sobered at that, “you're a bitch.”

“Nope, just keeping things realistic for you love.”

“Well how about a little less of it?”

“You should go mingle a bit,” Alice told her before leaving.

-->

9. Re-Evaluating and Reminiscing

Chapter IX: Re-Evaluating and Reminiscing

--

Now that we know for sure,
They're telling lies,
When they say no one gets hurt and therefore nobody dies,
You know it's hard to believe anything that you hear,
They say the world is round…

-“Metal Heart” by Garbage

--

Monday

Week II

--

Lily walked into the Great Hall the following morning only to bump right into Benjy as he was exiting. “Hey, where are you going? I was hoping you'd come and join us for breakfast.”

“Morning to you too,” he told her as he gave her a kiss. “Have an early morning practice scheduled for today, so sorry love, but I won't be able to. How about I take you out tonight, instead?”

“Sure, sounds great. Pick me up at seven?”

“You're on, anyways I should go. They can't very well start without me.”

“Bye,” she told him before giving him one final kiss.

“Oy Evans, over here,” Sirius called her over as she neared the Gryffindor table.

“Is it possible for you to talk without food in your mouth?” she asked him as she took a seat by James across from him.

“If he hasn't learned by now, you can't very well expect him to any time soon,” James teased.

“Hey, I resent that!”

“Chew it, don't spray it, Siri-Poo,” Lily winked at him.

“Siri-Poo? Does that mean I can give you a nickname as well?”

“I'm not sure if it's safe to answer that one.”

“Trust me, it's not,” James told her. “Where are Prewitt and Poirot?”

“Alice is off flirting with the quidditch team, Frank is watching the scene and green with envy, and Elle is probably finishing some assignment she forgot to do before hand.”

James cocked an eyebrow at her, “I didn't ask about Frank, is that your not-so-subtle way of trying to hint at something?”

“Yes, it is. You should be a better mate and tell him to just buck up and ask her out already.”

“She's right,” Sirius agreed.

“Then why don't you do it?” James asked him.

“I can't help Prewitt out, she refers to me as “the gay one.” I'd be totally illogical.”

“He's right, it wouldn't make much sense.” Lily said, but suddenly comprehension dawned upon her. “Oh my God! Bloody hell! Fuck! I just agreed with Sirius logic!”

“The first time is the hardest,” James sympathetically patted her back.

“Hey Lily,” Rachel greeted her as she took a seat by her side.

“Hi,” Lily said in a slightly less then enthused voice, a fact that James quickly reprimanded her for by kicking her under the table. As realization hit her, she quickly looked the girl over in an attempt to find something to compliment her on so as to divert her attention from what had just happened. “That's a beautiful necklace, is it new?”

“Oh you like it? Benjy gave it to me for my birthday, he's so sweet. You're so lucky to have him; he's like the best boyfriend ever. I mean, he even said that it's in the shape of a crown, because it's my special day and I should be treated like a princess; isn't that just the sweetest thing? And those are real diamonds and it's platinum, can you believe it?”

“That was so thoughtful of him,” Lily managed to choke out.

“Oy Lils, you and I have to go through some Heads stuff, how about we go work on it now?” James asked noticing Lily's distress.

“Oh do you have to, Lily?” Rachel pouted.

“I think it's for the best, can't procrastinate, you know,” Lily told her, forcing a smile.

“Let's go,” she told James.

“Lead the way, Madame,” he told her, smiling in his usual charming manner in a desperate attempt to ease her nerves.

--

I can tell there's something goin' on,
Hours seem to disappear,
Everyone is leaving, I'm still with you…

It doesn't matter what we do,
Where we are going to,
We can stick around and see this night through…

-“Young Folks” by Peter Bjorn & John

--

“Hey love,” Benjy greeted her as they met up in front of the Heads' dorm that evening.

“Hello to you too,” she told him with a smile, forgetting everything as she kissed him. “So what are we doing this evening?”

“Well, I had the elves prepare us some food,” he told her as he pointed to the picnic basket by his feet. “And I thought maybe we'd go by the lake, no one's down there this time of night anyway.”

“That sounds great.”

“Thought you'd like it,” he told her with one of those smiles that were so perfect, that the boy had to spend hours in front of a mirror working on it. The effort, however, was worth it, as Lily (like so many other girls) immediately fell for it, blushing at the fact that he had put in such effort and thought into it.

--

Love like ours should never die with years,

Once you start, you can't ever go backwards,

`Cause if dark is one then bright is two,

No one knows where we're heading to,

No matter what it takes, never give up on you,

I want you to change it all,
I am gonna make it better…

-“Consolation Prizes” by Phoenix

--

“I've missed this- being like this, just us,” Benjy commented as the two sat by the lake, eating.

“We haven't really had much time for one another, have we?”

“No, suppose not.”

“It's a shame.”

“Well of course it is, I hate being deprived of my beautiful girlfriend,” he told her as he lightly kissed her neck. “Who has got to be the sexiest, smartest witch ever,” he told her as he continued kissing her, getting bolder with each one as she whimpered slightly at the feel of it.

Feeling herself edging closer and closer to the point of no return, she pushed him lightly, “Benjy, no, I told you, my period, we can't.”

“But it's been so long, Lils,” he complained.

“Well not much I can do about it now, is there?” she asked him teasingly.

“Yeah, I guess you're right, shame though. I miss that sexy body of yours,” he told her as he pulled her to his chest.

“It's really beautiful out here, isn't it?”

“Yeah, a giant squid— that's beautiful all right,” he sarcastically commented.

“No need to mock and you know what I mean.”

“Just teasing love, I adore it when you get all angry and flustered, very hot.”

“Well then I'll have to stop with that, you're horny enough as it is.”

“Ouch Lils, that really hurts,” he told her as he gripped at his heart to demonstrate the pain her statement caused him.

“Oh get over it, you big baby,” she told him, lightly shoving him with her shoulder.

“You know you love it,” he whispered huskily, his lips at her ear, so close that she could feel his smirk.

“Maybe.”

“Sure love, but just remember, denial isn't just a river in Egypt.”

Lily just laughed at his use of the classic cliché, “That's pathetic.”

“Maybe, but you love me for it.”

And the worst part was, he had no clue just how much she really did.

--

We stumble into our lives:
Reach for a hand to hold.
And any wonder,
We need to find
A certain something, certain.

Turn out the light,
And what are you left with?
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty.
Press my face to the ground
I've gotta find a reason.
Just scratching around,
For something to believe in:
Something to believe in.

-“Something To Believe In” by Aqualung

--

Tuesday

--

It's three in the morning and I can't sleep.

It's three in the morning and I'm wallowing in bed, staring blankly at the wall, the wall that I can't even really see because my bedroom is pitch back.

I feel pathetic; all I can see is that necklace, all I can hear is that story being replayed in my head time and time again. The worst part is that I forgot—when I was with Benjy, none of it existed, but now—now that I'm back, alone, it's all that exists.

That's it, for the sake of my ego and whatever miniscule amount of pride I have left, I have to get out of here. At the very least I should be pouting in a lit room.

“Morning, can't sleep as well?” she asked James, slightly surprised to see him staring blankly at the fire— thinking to herself tat he almost looked as pathetic as her, but then again he was actually staring at something, she had just… stared.

“Yeah, I don't know, just not in the mood.”

“Well then what do you say we go get some fresh air and get totally pissed? I have some firewhiskey in my room that's just dying to be drunk and I was in need of a drinking buddy as it is.”

He laughed, and it took her by surprise just how glad she was to hear him sound merrier then he was before, how much she genuinely wanted to help make him feel better. Even if they technically were mates now, she had never taken into account just how close they had gotten in the short period of time.

--

Someone above has seen me do alright.
Someone above is looking with a tender eye.
Upon your face, you may think you're alone but you may think again.

If I could do just one near perfect thing, I'd be happy.
They'd write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes…

-“If She Wants Me” by Belle and Sebastian

--

“You know, I never really took you for the type to sneak out and get pissed in the middle of the night-- or should I say early in the morning?” James commented as the two sat on the rocks by the lake sharing a large bottle of whiskey.

“That's because I'd rather not have people see me that way.”

“What way?”

“You know, that way.”

“Wow, that's not vague at all.”

“I'm slightly drunk so I'm excused, but seriously - my reputation; it means a lot to me. I don't want to be just another moderately pretty girl; I want to be recognized for more. It means so much to me to be Head Girl, to have someone respect me enough to give me that title- that's…that's all I really want… respect.”

“Well for one,” James pointed out, slightly uneasily as the alcohol took hold, jutting a finger into the air to emphasize his point. “You're not decent looking, but fucking hot as hell, let that one be noted. Two, why be a boring priss? Seems like a waste of time to me, I mean I always disliked you-”

“More like hated me,” Lily corrected him.

James winced, “Hate is such a strong word, love.”

“But true.”

“Fine, hated you,” he finally conceded with a sigh. “The point is, it was always because I thought you were just an annoying, rule-abiding girl with a stick up your arse that really didn't know the meaning of fun. But…I don't know. You're kind of cool, in a quirky sort of way.”

“Quirky?”

“Yeah, like you live on coffee, have an inane fear of vegetables, total klutz, can't arrive on time for anything, even if your life depends upon it.”

Lily laughed, “Well you're better than I thought, too.”

“Oh please, do count the ways!”

“Well your ego's definitely as big as I had always assumed, which is the one downer, but you're also funny. You're sarcastic, a bit of a wanker at times, but you also manage to pull that one off. You're unbelievably loyal, and a great listener.”

“Oh stop it, you're making me blush.”

Lily laughed, stopped when James turned to her, really looking at her. For the first time, taking in the scene before them, the fact that they were getting drunk for some reason—a fact that immediately had a sobering effect upon him.

“You know, even though before I always thought you were an annoying bitch-”

“Gee, thanks,” Lily sarcastically told him, unlike James, still living up her alcohol induced buzz.

“But I really like you now, and I think, that we could be really good mates, best of mates. I also want you to know that if there's anything, anything at all, that you need, even if it's just a mate to talk to, I'm here for you, I want to be,” he sincerely told her.

“Thanks, I think I'll take you up on that offer.”

“Good, now talk,” he ordered.

“What? Now?” she asked, her eyes widening, regaining her senses at the shock of his last words.

“Yes now. There's something bothering you and I'm here now, so talk, let it out, vent.”

Lily sighed, knowing that there was no way to get around his order, “Okay, I have a question for you.”

“Shoot.”

“Is it impossible to love me?”

James's face contorted into one of absolute confusion, “What- no, no way Lils. Take it from me, if the guy that was the leader of the `I hate Evans' club now wants to be friends with you, then you're definitely not unlovable.'

She weakly smiled at him, “Thanks.”

“What brought this on?”

“It's just, I'm not close to my mom or my sister, I mean I don't even want to get into that one, and then… then there's Rachel who did you know… and Benjy… Benjy definitely doesn't love me… it's just as if all signs point to the fact that I'm an unlovable hag.”

“Lils-”

“No, please, no pity.”

“No pity, I promise, but what about Alice and Elle, aren't you friends with them?”

“Best of, but still-”

“No buts, the only one with the pity here is you. Lils, you're not unlovable at all… he's just a jackass and you're too blind to see it.”

“I know he's a wanker, but still—he's my wanker. I love him and I need him to love me. I know it's weak of me James, very Jane Austen and Margaret Mitchell, but I can't help it. He makes me happy; he makes the pain go away. We don't choose who we love.”

“From the way I see it, it looks like all he's been giving you is pain.”

“Only recently, it'll change though.”

“That's pathetic.”

“You've never been in love before. It's worth it.”

“You deserve better.”

“But I want him.”

“He'll never deserve you.”

“Maybe.”

James sighed, giving up after finally realizing just how she was adamant about it all, just how far in she— he was. “What do you need from me?”

“To be the good looking mate that helps me along the way.”

“Well I am particularly talented in that,” he smiled at her, trying to push aside his true feelings about it all.

-->

10. The Ties of Friendship

Chapter X: The Ties of Friendship

--

Growing from diversity

Out of true originality
It's the place to be,

And that's why

I fear the need to standardise,

And I fear the guys with normal eyes,

It's a precious child,
Come give it a try…

-“Save This Town” by Blue Foundation

--

Wednesday

--

“Okay, you officially have the worst reputation ever as far as party planning is concerned,” Alice announced as she and Elle took a seat across from Lily at breakfast.

“Although, people still like you, thought the sentiment was sweet,” Elle consoled her.

“Well at least you can be sure of the fact that you threw the most boring party this school has ever seen. Revel in it, Evans,” Sirius told her with a grin.

“Let's have another party,” Lily proposed.

“Where'd that come from?” James asked.

“I can't graduate with a reputation like that; it's humiliating. So let's have another party, totally over the top, like nothing this school's ever seen. So what do you say, boys? You up for the challenge?”

“Look at that, she's challenging us, going straight for the ego. She already knows how to manipulate us,” Remus commented.

“Damn it, we already had Elle and Alice for that, now a third one!” James whined.

“You can take that as a yes by the way,” Alice advised Lily.

“Good to know,” Lily laughed.

“Good morning love,” Benjy suddenly appeared. “Any chance you can come have breakfast with me?” he asked her with a small smile.

“Um, sure,” she told him with a smile, taking his hand, letting him lead her to his table.

--

I try to try to lose my head

But I wish wish wish that you were always here.

And I try to try to lose my head
But I wish wish wish that I was dead.

-“Wish I was dead pt. 2” by the Stars

--

“Are you sure that you have to work with Potter? I could really use some help in Transfiguration, can't you just tell him to beg off?” Benjy whined as the pair stood outside of the classroom arguing.

“Well,” Lily said rethinking her options until she saw Alice and Elle behind him violently shaking their heads at her. “I'm sorry, but I promised him, I can't just back out now, you know that.”

“Bloody hell Lily, what's with you these days?” Benjy asked her.

“What do you mean?”

“The past week you've been so distant, hanging out with that wanker Potter-”

“Don't call him that.”

“What do you have a crush on him now?”

“No! He's just a mate, a good one at that.”

“Well ever since you became “good friends” with him you suddenly stopped acting like my girlfriend.”

“What? How?”

“You've been cold.”

“I have not!”

“Well okay, you kind of haven't, but still-”

“You're jealous!”

“What? No I'm not.”

“Then what's the problem Benjy?” Lily asked, cocking an eyebrow at him, challenging him.

“He is.”

“Well he's not going anywhere so you'd better adapt to it,” she told him before leaving him and going into the classroom.

Benjy felt a hand on his shoulder, “Better not piss her off anymore Fen-Prick, it'll only make things easier for me.”

“So you do want her.”

“Of course I do, I mean it's a bit of a let down that she's only wanted friendship as of yet, but I think—I know, I can change that,” James told him before making his way into the room.

Benny's voice stopped him, “So what? You're going after her just to get back at me?”

“Surprisingly, no, in fact, you're not even part of the equation to tell you the truth. She's perfect, that's why I'm doing it.”

“Yeah she is, but for me.”

“We'll see about that one, Fen-Prick,” James told him with a smirk before walking away.

“Hey,” James greeted Lily as he took a seat next to her.

“Hey, what happened with you and Benjy out there?”

“Just a bit of goading. So listen, I was wondering if you're busy tonight, there's something I wanted to show you.”

“No plans as of yet, so it's a date,” she told him with a smile.

“Great.”

As they were sitting in class, Lily suddenly noticed a note on her desk in the middle of McGonagall's lecture.

Lils, sorry for before, what do you say to

Dinner tonight to make up for it? -Benjy

Benjy, I'm sorry, but I just made plans

with James, how about tomorrow night?

-Lily

Fine.

“A bit monosyllabic, if you ask me,” James teased.

“You're a wanker, you know that?” she laughed. “And he's jealous.”

“He is, no denying that one, but remember, he's been jealous before. It doesn't mean anything Lils, don't get your hopes up for no reason. The higher you climb, the greater you fall, always keep that one in mind.”

“Yeah,” she said with a small sigh.

“Lils, I'll help you get him, I promise, but you have to decide if he's what you really want. If he's worthy of you, not the other way around.”

“I want him.”

“I know, but just think about what I said.”

--

Oh, this is the start of something good,
don't you agree?
I haven't felt like this in so many moons,
you know what I mean?
And we can build through this destruction
as we are standing on our feet...

-“Follow Through” by Gavin DeGraw

--

“James. where are you taking me?” Lily laughed as he pulled her by the hand, forcing her to walk faster.

“The Womping Willow.”

“What? Why?”

James turned to her, “Do you trust me?”

Lily paused for a second, technically speaking she shouldn't, they'd only really been mates for a week and hated one another for seven years prior to that, but logic wasn't always all that logical, “Yes.”

“Then follow me,” he told her as he led her a bit closer to the tree. “Okay, stop right here, but when I tell you to run, do so and follow me.”

“Um, okay,” Lily said, confused as to what he was going to do.

She watched him grab a stick and poke a knot in the tree, suddenly it stopped moving and he told her to run. He led her to an entrance in the tree.

“Welcome to the Shrieking Shack,” he told her once they entered. The furniture was ripped apart; the entire room was in a state of disarray.

“It's very—um, quaint?”

James smiled at her choice of words, “Come on, follow me.”

Upstairs, James opened a door to a room, which once Lily saw she was left in a state of awe, “It's beautiful.”

“Yeah, I thought you'd like it.”

Lily pointed her wand to the fire place and lit it, “I love it.”

“Well good, now take a seat on the lovely sofa.”

“What? Why?”

“Well I need to have a serious talk with you.'

“Um, okay, go” she told him with a confused smile as the two both took a seat on the couch, sitting on it so as to face on another.

“So I realized something yesterday… or really today because it was at about four in the morning when I couldn't sleep… and it's something kind of shocking… troublesome really, it's had unrest all day.”

“What is it James?”

“I care about your opinion… it really matters to me.”

Lily smiled at him, “Well the feeling goes both ways.”

“Good, but because of that I need to talk to you. You once said that I use girls, that I lead them on-”

“I was wrong, I get that. Don't listen to me, I didn't even know you-”

“No need to make excuses, I realized that as much as I hated to admit it to myself, you were right. Lil, I've never been in love, I've never wanted to commit-- not really. Being unable to be in a monogamous relationship isn't something that I'm really proud of…”

“There are tons of guys like that-”

“No, you don't get it. I'm egotistical and vain, took me seventeen years to realize it, but it's true. That's not going to change… we are the way we are… but it was because of that, that I never really thought a girl was worthy of me, of a relationship with me.”

He expected Lily to respond, but she just sat there in a stunned silence. “But the thing is, I don't want to be that guy anymore.”

“I should hope so, he sounds like a bit of a prick,” she smiled at him, trying to lighten the mood.

James winced, “I guess I should be thankful that at least you're honest with me. I just—I don't know-- I just wanted to be candid with you. Friendship is about the bad things too, right?”

“Wait, does that mean that all those years of me calling you a shallow, vain, egotistical, wanker proved to not only be true, but useful as well?”

“Not the wanker part, that one was definitely false,” he smirked at her.

Lily laughed, “You're such an arse.”

“Told you my ego wasn't going anywhere.” He paused, his insecurity settling in yet again, “So you're okay with it?”

“No, you were a jerk as far as those girls were concerned. You had no respect for them, but I guess if you're going to try I can forget that.”

“You know I did have respect for them, just not nearly as much as I did for myself.”

Lily snorted at that statement.

James laughed at hearing the sound, “well now, that's not very ladylike, is it?”

Lily grinned at him. “Promise not to tell my mother, she'd kill me.”

“What's the story behind that? I mean, if you don't mind me asking.”

“Well since this is `spill you heart out' night, I guess I should share. Be forewarned though, very few people know this. It's really private and if you tell anyone, I swear I'll beat you with a bloody stick.”

“Good to know.”

Lily laughed. “I come from a pretty well off family and my mom had high hopes for me. She had this idea in her head that I'd be the best debutante to ever grace this planet, marry into the Crandall family—the richest one in muggle England. When we found out I was a witch however, it was more than a bump on the road to `ultimate prosperity.' She and Petunia, my horse-faced bitch of a sister, think I'm some sort of a freak.

“I'm sorry about that.”

“It's fine, I mean, at least I have my dad, we're close. I mean there are people like Sirius who have no one in their family.”

“He told you?” James asked, surprised by the fact.

“Had a run in with Regelus one day and I was there. We spent the day reveling in our self pity; it was very cool, tons of alcohol.”

James laughed.

“James.”

“Yeah?”

“I'm really glad we're mates.”

“I am too, Lils.”

“But I do miss fighting with you, it was fun. I got to test out my creativity by coming up with nicknames for you.”

“That's very nice.”

“I know.”

-->

11. Phase VI: Scaring Him

Chapter XI: Phase VI: Scaring Him

--

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
Save you from your old ways,
You play forgiveness,
Watch it now ... here he comes!

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus,
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

-“When You Were Young” by The Killers

--

Thursday

--

“I had a lot of fun tonight,” Lily told Benjy with a small smile as the two stood in front of her dormitory after a date in Hogsmeade.

“Me too, especially the part where you ate two times your weight in Italian food.”

“Oh shush you, you know how much I love Italian so you can't very well not expect me to indulge myself when we go somewhere as good as Luigi's.”

“Of course, it's my fault,” he teased her.

“Glad you finally realized,” she told him with a wink.

“You're delusional.”

“You adore me for it.”

“That I do,” he told her before pulling her into a kiss.

“Benjy,” Lily whimpered when the two separated for air.

“I know, I know, trust me I know,” he told her as he detangled himself from her. He kissed her on the check, bringing his mouth to her ear and hotly whispering, “Just once it is over, you are going to be tied to that bed of yours for a week making up for it, deal?”

“You've got it,” she told him with a smile. “Night.”

“Night, love,” he told her before walking away.

--

So why do we choose the boys that are naughty?
I don't fit in so why do you want me?
And I know I can't tame you...but I just keep trying

Cause I love to wash in your old bathwater,
Love to think that you couldn't love another,
I'm on your list with all your other women.
But I still love to wash in your old bathwater,
You make me feel like I couldn't love another,
I can't help it...you're my kind of man…

-“Bathwater” by No Doubt

--

Friday

--

“Okay Lily, we have something to tell you and it may hurt-” Elle began as she and Alice took a seat by her the following day at lunch.

Alice, however, rebuffed all attempts and interrupted her, taking a more blunt approach. “That wanker of yours was fucking the slag last night after your date.”

“Oy, I was talking,” Elle complained.

“You took too long,” Alice told her.

“I was trying to be supportive, unlike someone I know.”

“Um girls, that may be hard to do considering Lily isn't even here anymore,” Remus pointed out.

“What? Where'd she go? Why didn't you tell us sooner?” Elle asked.

“No worries, James followed her,” Sirius told them.

“Oh, okay, he's good at that stuff,” Alice shrugged.

“How can you say that? Don't you want to go and help her out?”

“I am the worst person at comforting people; he's great at it, especially with her. Why would I give her second rate support when there's someone that's better at it? I want her to get better, not feel worse, which is all that she'd feel if I tried. Let's be serious, I'm rather callous as far as that stuff's concerned.”

“I guess,” Elle mumbled.

“You know it's kind of ironic actually, he's emotionally unavailable in every romantic relationship he's ever in, but he's the one that's always there for you when you need someone to spill your heart out to,” Elle commented.

“Oh my God, I never noticed that,” Alice laughed.

“Hey, do you two think Lily might have a thing for James?” Remus suddenly asked.

“Nah, no way, too hung up on the prick for that, why?” Alice asked.

“I don't, we just think that James might like her… I mean he never said anything, but I don't know… he's different with her. We just thought that maybe since she spends so much time with him she might like him or something.”

“Only as a friend. Wish she'd fancy him though, even the playboy is better than the prick, at least he's blunt about his indiscretions,” Elle commented.

“They'd make a hot couple too,” Alice agreed.

“Maybe, but you also have to imagine what the fights are like now, what if actual feelings were involved?” Sirius said.

That thought was one that everyone winced at.

--

There was a time,
She could never see him
And her fault
Was to always need him

-“So Much Work” by Pete Yorn

--

“Hey,” she heard a voice greet her as a body placed itself right by her, but she never turned to look at him.

“Is he ever going to stop, James?” she asked him as the two sat on the floor of the astronomy tower, staring blankly at the sky.

“Do you honestly want me to answer that one?”

“Yes— no—I think?”

“Once a cheater, always a cheater, Lils.”

“But there have been instances in which a bloke could change, haven't there? I mean you did, right?”

“Um… well… yeah, I guess, but-”

“I can change him James, I know I can,” she said adamantly, a small smile forming on her face at the thought of it. “Thank you so much for that,” she hugged him, giving him a peck on the cheek before leaving the room.

“Bloody hell, the woman's psycho,” James cried as he threw his head into his hands in frustration.

--

Wedding bells ain't gonna chime,
With both of us guilty of crime.
And both of us sentenced to time
And now we're all alone…

Protect me from what I want,
Protect me, protect me…

-“Protect Me From What I Want” by Placebo

--

“You fucking idiot!” Alice yelled as she entered the Heads' common room.

“So I take it you heard about our conversation,” James winced, anticipating the berating to come.

“You think? What kind of an idiot do you have to be to not realize that you shouldn't give her hope? Lily may come off as strong, but when it comes to her emotions—she doesn't fall in love all that easily, but when she does she falls hard.”

“I know that and I regret it all. I just want what's best for her, I really do, she's a good mate.”

Alice looked at him, analyzing him. With a sigh, she asked: “Do you have a crush on her, James?”

“I think she's hot.”

Alice smiled, “So you do?”

“I'm dying to shag her, no doubt about that one, but I'd just fuck it up. We're better off as mates.”

“Wow, respect for a girl, that's a new one for you.”

“Thanks,” he said sarcastically.

“No problem.”

“You know, not that I'm complaining or anything, but you do realize that you went from yelling at me to joking with me in two minutes?”

“What can I say, I'm talented like that,” she told him with a wink.

--

Who's to say
I can't do everything?
Well I can try,
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem…

-“Upside Down” by Jack Johnson

--

Saturday

--

“Why do you look so happy?” James asked curiously as a Lily walked into the Heads' common room looking extremely satisfied with herself.

“Because I am a bloody genius.”

“And why is that?”

“Last night, I saw Benjy and Rachel sneaking off together so I was feeling more then a bit spiteful this morning. I mean, here I am the loving girlfriend and there he is fucking my best mate - it's just, it's too much sometimes; I just feel like I want to give up. Anyway, I decided to scare him a bit.

“Okay, now I am definitely interested.”

“Yes, your hatred for Benjy always was a good way to get your attention.”

“You already knew that, now get on with the story.”

“No need to be so pushy,” she teased him. “Anyway, it happened this morning in the Great Hall…”

“Hey love,” Lily turned to see Benjy standing before her.

“Hey, I didn't see you,” she said, greeting him with a light peck on the check.

“Well here I am,” he told her before giving her a proper kiss.

“Benjy no, not in public, you know that I hate it.”

“Fine, fine,” he told her as he stopped trying. “So I was thinking maybe you and I could leave around noon and stay at a nice hotel for the rest of the weekend.”

“Oh Benjy, I'm not so sure if that would be a good idea.”

“Oh, do you still have your period?” he asked, wincing as he said the last word with disgust.

“No,” Lily said, trying to think of a plausible excuse. “It's just well-”

“What is it?” he asked her worriedly. “You can tell me Lils, whatever it is, I'm here.”

“Well I've been having some discomfort—you know…down there, so I visited a healer yesterday and I was told that I have an STI… I mean, isn't that weird? How the hell did I get that when I'm in a monogamous relationship?”

“Wow— um, that's really weird.”

“I know, right? How the bloody hell did I even contract it?”

“Uh well—that's odd—but um—well, you know I heard that some STI's can be transmitted by air, I mean that's possible right? If crabs can be spread through something like a toile seat, why can't an STI be air borne?”

“Um, I guess—listen I should probably go—have to—have to pick up some medication,” she told him telling him he first excuse she could think of so she could escape and let out the laughter that was dying to combust at the pathetic excuse for contracting an imaginary STI.

So cute, but sometimes not the brightest crayon in the box really.

“That's bloody genius,” James laughed as she told him the story.

“It's a spiteful girlfriend,” she frowned.

“Yes, but you pull it off so well,” he told her with a small smirk.

“Why thank you,” she smiled, even if it was a bit forced.

They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes until James finally interrupted it. “So are we supposed to talk about your feelings and stuff now?”

Lily laughed, throwing a pillow at him, “You're an idiot.”

“What? You just mentioned his infidelity, ergo the necessary pressing girl issue, and then there was the uncomfortable silence at which point I usually a run for it come to think of it.”

“And the insensitive jackass comes out,” she laughed.

“He had to at some point.”

“Too true.”

“Ugh, I'm bored,” James announced, a few minutes later.

“You'll live.”

“Let's do something fun.”

“Like what?”

“Let's go get drunk, I'm rather fond of Drunk Lily.”

“Need something to do anyway, let's go.”

-->

12. Repairing Reputations

Chapter XII: Repairing Reputations

--

Don't push me cause I'll fall in love
with whatever you just said
don't push me cause I'll fall in love
with the way you wear your head

-“The way you wear your head” by Nada Surf

--

Monday

Week III

--

“I hate you Potter,” Lily grumbled as she took a seat by James at the breakfast table.

“Why do you hate him this time?” Remus asked with an amused by how disoriented she was that particular morning.

“Because the hangover potion hasn't kicked in yet, and since he's the one that goaded me into partaking in the drinking fest last night it's all his stupid fault,” she whined.

“Lily got drunk? Since when are you such a bad girl?” Sirius asked her with a wink.

“I'm not a bad girl!”

“It's all right love, it's hot anyway,” he assured her.

“It's bloody amazing though, she can drink more than the three of us combined, it's scary mate,” James smirked at the anticipation of her response to what he had said.

“You- shush,” Lily ordered him. “I'm still mad at you.”

“You're just looking for a scapegoat, you love drinking and you know it.”

“Well of course, I'm not about to take the blame for my actions, that'd be stupid.”

“Because that wouldn't make any sense at all,” Remus said sarcastically.

“Well yeah, it wouldn't,” Sirius said, confused as to why Remus was being so derisive.

“Oh whatever, the point is that because I was in such a state of hangover-ness I walked into three walls this morning. I can handle one, not three; I can only take the loss of so many brain cells!” Lily cried.

“Hangover-ness?” Remus asked.

“She has a thing for making up words,” James told him.

“Weird.”

“Ugh, I promised Rachel that I'd have breakfast with her today. Off to hell, see you later,” Lily groaned as she got up and left.

“She has got to be the oddest girl that I've ever met,” Remus commented once she was out of earshot.

“I think she's hot,” Sirius announced.

“We know that, who doesn't think she is,” James said.

“Does she like quidditch?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah, loves it, why?”

“Because as of now she is officially the hottest girl ever, I mean she's got a great body, smart, able to hold her liquor-- a bit odd and quirky at times, but she loves quidditch so that makes up for it.”

“Yeah I guess she is,” James said.

“You have a thing for her, don't you?” Remus asked James.

“I do not! I just think that she's hot, but so does the entire male population, so you can't very well call that a thing.”

“So that's it, it's totally physical?” Remus asked him doubtfully.

“Well no-”

“So I was right!”

“But it's me and it's her, we just wouldn't work. Besides she's head over heels for the wanker, I mean she even forgave him for cheating, I wouldn't make the mistake of falling for a girl that's in that position.”

“Why's she so into him anyway?” Sirius asked.

“I don't really get it either,” James told him. “Everyone's told her that she could do better, deserves better, but none of it means anything to her, she loves him.”

“Poor girl.”

“Since when are you so sympathetic?”

“I like her, she's really cool. We have a lot in common as far as our families are concerned, so I get it, how much worse it is when the only other people in your life that you think can rely on betray you as well.”

“That's uncharacteristically sweet of you to say,” Remus commented.

“I'm just saying that I get it, she wants something to believe in, it may be the wrong thing, but it doesn't mean she has much control over it, she just can't stand t have another person leave her.”

“Very philosophical... kind of scary how in touch with your emotions you are actually,” James laughed.

“What can I say; the ladies just love me for it.”

--

She said I feel stranded
And I can't tell anymore
If we coming or I'm going
It's not how I planed it
I've got the key to the door
But it just won't open

-“just feel better” by Santana ft. Steven Tyler

--

“Well it's about time you separated yourself from James and spent some time with me,” Rachel exclaimed as Lily took a seat by her.

“What's the story with you two anyway?” Melissa, one of Rachel's friends, asked Lily.

“We're friends.”

“Oh what I'd give to have another go at him,” Melissa groaned in pleasure as she closed her eyes, obviously imagining the aforementioned “go at him.”

“You dated him?” Lily asked her.

“Only for a few days, but what a shag!”

““I did hear that he was amazing,” Rachel commented.

“None of it is lies I tell you, now that we know that he's available you should totally go for it Rach.”

“Would, but can't, kind of seeing someone right now.”

“Yeah, but that's casual,” Melissa said, obviously catching onto what she was alluding to.

“Won't be for long,” she told her with a wink.

It took everything Lily had not to rip out her hair right then and there, but she restrained herself, constantly replaying the string of insults that would come from Alice should she give in to temptation. “So who is this mystery man of yours? I feel so out of the loop, I mean Mel here obviously knows who he is,” she asked, plastering a fake smile on her face.

“Um—well,” Rachel stuttered.

“I don't know him per say, I just know of him,” Melissa interrupted.

“Well you shouldn't be keeping him all to yourself like this, tell me- us about him.”

“Um- well- you know me and how I am-”

Yeah you're a backstabbing bitch, Lily thought to herself as she listened to Rachel ramble on about some bull shit story about how she'd met the suppose “love of her life.”

--

We're made out of blood and rust
Looking for someone to trust
Without
A fight
I think that you came too soon
You're the honey and the moon
That lights
Up my night

But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish that I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives

-”honey and the moon” by Joseph Arthur

--

“You look angry,” a deep voice said from behind her, pulling her out of her reverie.

“Take a seat,” she said as she patted the rock that she was sitting on, all the while staring blankly at the lake.

“What's wrong Lils? What happened?”

“Who would have thought that in just three short weeks you'd become one of my best mates,” she smiled.

“And that is exactly the reason why you're going to spill your heart out to me rather than avoid the problem.”

She laughed so genuinely that she took him by surprise for he hadn't expected the reaction given how miserable she was. “she kept on talking about this mystery guy she was seeing, it was obviously Benjy, but she just went on and on, some parts were made up, like stories on how they met, but—she just wouldn't shut up about how well it was going and how soon it's become a monogamous relationship.”

“Sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

They sat in a comfortable silence, James holding her in his arms, rubbing her arms on a comforting fashion, both just looking at the lake.

“Do you blame him at all?” he asked, finally interrupting it as he had wanted to do for so long.

“I do, and I hate him for cheating. Sometimes I just want to—beat him with a stick or something,” she said with a slight smile. “But I also love how he can make me feel… I'm insecure as hell James but Benjy—he makes me feel like I'm actually worth something.”

“He doesn't deserve you.”

“Considering that he's the one doing the cheating and not I, I highly doubt that.”

“Lily-”

“Oy, Evans!” they heard a voice yell.

“Very graceful entrance Alice,” Lily teased her.

“Actually I was just hoping that I'd startle you.”

“Well you failed.”

Elle laughed, “You owe me five galleons.”

“Damn.”

“So why are you two here?” Lily asked.

“We have a party to plan.”

“Ooh I meant to tell you, you should throw it in the Room of Requirement, it'll make it all easier,” James advised them.

“Great idea!” Alice said.

“I thought you said that we shouldn't,” Elle commented.

“For Rachel's party, why would I waste such a great space on her?” Alice pointed out.

“Whatever, what's the first step in `operation repair Lily's party rep?'”

“I'll get you the alcohol,” James offered.

“Thanks, that'd be great,” Lily said.

“Okay, now that I've done my part I'm off,” he announced as he got up to leave.

“And done like a true jackass,” Alice teased.

Lily laughed, “How I do love your sarcastic and rude sense of humor my dear.”

“It's all part of my charm love.”

“Or lack of,” Elle quipped.

“Shut up!”

“Oh, don't look, but Fen-Prick at eleven o'clock,” Elle told Lily.

“Oh God, you've joined the Fen-Prick fan wagon as well?” Lily cried.

“Sorry.”

“Don't say that!” Alice reprimanded Elle. “It's catchy, if anything the better question is why wouldn't we call him that.”

“Hey love,” Benjy greeted her with a kiss on the cheek, sitting behind her with his legs around hers and hugging her to his chest. “How are you girls?”

“Fine, just planning a party,” Elle immediately answered, stopping Alice from saying something bitchy and spiteful to him.

“Oh yeah, heard about that, Saturday, right?”

“Yep, and you better be there,” Lily told him.

“Can't wait.”

“We should get going, we have more stuff to work out,” Elle announced as she grabbed Alice's hand and literally pulled her back towards the castle.

“As you can see my mates are very subtle people.”

“Well I can't deny the fact that I like the idea of us being left alone,” he told her, nuzzling her neck.

“Can't say I have any complaints,” she said as she turned herself around so that they were sitting facing one another.

“How about you and I go out tonight?”

“Sounds fun.”

“Pick you up at eight?”

She smiled at him, “you're on lover boy, bye,” she said as she got up, leaving him dumbfounded by her abrupt exit.

-->

13. Phase VII: Flirting

Chapter XIII: Phase VII: Flirting

--

Extreme ways that that help me
Help me out at night
Extreme places I had gone
But never seen any light
Dirty basements, dirty noise
Dirty places coming through
Extreme worlds alone
Did you ever like it planned

-“Extreme Ways” by Moby

--

Tuesday

--

“So I've made a decision,” Lily announced as she walked into James's room.

“What?—bloody hell Lily, why are you here?” James asked, all the while trying to regain consciousness after Lily had woken him by barging into his room so loudly.

“Oh good, you're awake, I was afraid you'd be asleep or something, so glad I didn't disturb you.”

“I was asleep, Lily it's five in the morning, what are you doing here?”

“No need to be so moody, it's not like you're entertaining or anything,” she said with a scoff, hiding a smile at his aggravation.

“You're a bloody bitch, you know that?”

“You don't mean that,” she told him as she lay down on his bed, resting her head on his shoulder.

“You woke me up.”

“Oh get over it, will you? You've got to man up Potter.”

“I hate you. - here, you must be cold,” he gruffly told her as he offered her his bedspread.

“Thanks,” she said as she joined him under it. “Hm, I always did think that you'd be a boxer man, good to know that I was right.”

“Congratulations,” he muttered as he closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep.

“It's really amazing what an all-in-one package I am.”

“That's one word for it,” James yawned.

“Are you falling asleep? I can't believe you!”

“Oh come on it's five in the morning and you're annoying, what do you expect?”

“Fine, I'll make it quick.”

“Thank God!”

“Shush you, now as I was saying, I want too kick it up a notch with the flirting in class.”

“Fine, whatever can I sleep now.”

“Don't you want to know how?”

He turned to her, looking at her wearily, “how?”

“I was thinking we could play footsie in class, it's discreet, but not so much so that Benjy wouldn't notice it.”

“Fine, just don't get too close to James Junior, I don't want to have a stiffy during class,” he told her sleepily.

Lily laughed, “Deal,” she said, not moving from her place.

“Aren't you going to go now?”

“I'm tired now, I think I'm going to stay here, you don't mind, do you?”

“Whatever, just be quiet.”

“You should learn to be more of a gentleman James.”

“And you should learn to be less annoying,” he told her as he wrapped an arm around her waist.

“No wandering hands, you hear me boy?”

James just mumbled something incoherent as she rested her head on his chest and the two fell asleep.

--

She's an extraordinary girl
in an ordinary world
and she can't seem to get away

-“Extraordinary Girl” by Green Day

--

“It's nothing to be ashamed of Jamie,” Lily told him as the two took seats by Alice, Elle, Remus, and Sirius, at the breakfast table.

“Shut up, and don't call me Jamie.”

“Yeah, I reserve that right, it belongs to me and only me,” Sirius told her. At that moment something else got his attention, “if you'll excuse me mate, I see a Ravenclaw that has done a lot of growing up this year,” he told them with a salute before heading off in the direction of the girl.

“He's such a man whore,” Alice laughed.

“I think that the more important subject is why James shouldn't be embarrassed,” Remus commented.

“Don't you dare,” James warned Lily.

“Oh it's not that big of a thing—well actually it was rather big, so I guess I should say congrats.”

“Okay, now I'm interested,” Alice laughed.

“But seriously James, every guy wakes up with a stiffy on most mornings, it's nature.”

Everyone burst out in laughter at hearing that comment, “Prongs, I must say that I'm appalled by the fact that you couldn't even hide it from a girl with whom you don't even share a room, that's pathetic mate.”

“In my defense she was in bed with me.”

The group seemed simultaneously pause at that statement. Remus looked at him in confusion, “what?”

“Not like that, you pervs,” Lily assured them. “We didn't shag, we were just up late talking-”

“In other words she woke me up at five in the morning to talk.”

“Sorry mate,” Remus said sympathetically.

“Hey, what's so wrong with talking to me?!” Lily asked.

“Nothing sweets, just get on with the story,” Elle told her.

“Well I just didn't feel like getting up once we finished so I spent the night there.”

“That's very innocent,” Remus said, his voice laced with obvious disappointment.

“It's boring is what it is,” Alice said.

“At least he got a stiffy out of it,” Elle laughed.

“You know, we were supposed to leave the stiffy for class when we play footsie,” Lily whispered in his ear with a smirk.

“You're evil,” was all James said before leaving.

“I think we may have hurt his ego a bit,” Lily commented.

“Just a little,” Remus laughed.

--

You are the sun,
You are the only one,
You are so cold,
You are so rock and roll

Be my, Be my,
Be my little rock and roll queen

-”rock and roll queen” by Kasabian

--

“I come bearing gifts,” Lily told James as she handed him a cup of coffee before taking a seat by him in transfiguration.

“Don't worry, I'm not mad, my ego may have been bruised by it, but I got over it.”

“Good to know.”

“But it better not happen again, my ego is very fragile at the moment.”

“As long as you don't get a stiffy again,” she teased him.

“Well that'll be heard when you're around,” James told her huskily.

“Um—well-” Lily stuttered in astonishment, never having experienced a James in flirtation mode—and as much as she hated to admit it, she could definitely see the appeal.

“Calm down Evans, get your flirt on,” he whispered in her ear with a wink as his hand ran up and down her thigh.

Lily yelped slightly, eyes widening in surprise as his hand grazed her skirt, it was at that moment that she noticed a note lying on her desk.

Oy horny ones,

Everyone's staring at you two.

All I can say is that better be part

of the plan because you're bound

to get a detention for this one.

A

“She's blunt, always straight to the point, got to give her props for that,” Lily laughed, trying to ignore the hand that was slowly rubbing circles on her thigh. “People really are looking.”

“We go to a school full of gossips, what do you expect Lils?”

“Not for it to be this easy.”

“Well you're in luck then because it is.”

“Mr. Potter,” McGonagall called on him. “Care to inform me what's so urgent that you have to talk to Ms. Evans about it in the middle of my class.”

“Of course, I'd be delighted to Minnie. I was just telling Lily here how sexy she looks in that little skirt of hers.” Then in a conspiratorial stage whisper he added: “to tell you the truth I think I'm beginning to wear her down.”

She looked at him with a glare, obviously not believing a word of what he had said even if the students fell for the show, “Potter, out of my class.”

“No need to be so bossy, you could have asked nicely,” James told her as he collected his things. As he was about to leave he leaned down and whispered in Lily's ear: “how's that for obvious flirtation?—I reckon Benjy will hear about it by the end of class.”

--

Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem

-”upside down” by Jack Johnson

--

“hey, sorry you got kicked out of class,” Lily apologized to jams once she found him in the Heads” common room.

“Don't worry about it, I got to work on a ton of pranks and anyway, transfiguration is my best subject-- already knew today's lesson and Minnie was aware of that, it's the only reason she let me leave rather than just separating us. Really, it was no problem at all, so don't fuss about it or anything.”

“Thanks for everything; you were really great in class. They weren't even able to settle down for the rest of the period after hearing your little monologue and seeing what you were doing to me; McGonagall had to let us out early since we weren't going to get anything done.”

“So that's why you're here so early.”

“Yep— so, do you really think that I look sexy in my little skirt?” she asked him with a small smirk.

“Lily we may be mates and all, but that doesn't change the fact that any guy, me included, would be honored to shag you.”

Lily laughed, “That's awfully romantic of you.”

“What's with you girls and romance? That's about as romantic as guys get, you really have to lower your standards.”

“You are so—odd.”

“Better than being normal, and admit it Evans, you love it.”

“For some reason yeah, I really do.”

“Told you.”

“Oh, bloody hell, I was supposed to meet up with Benjy by the lake five minutes ago, see you,” she told him, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before running out of the room.

“If he knows you at all he won't be surprised by the fact that you're late,” James called after her.

“Fuck you,” were Lily's only departing words after that comment.

--

When I met you I was just a kid,
hadn't built up my defenses,
so I gave my heart completely,
Vaseline over the lenses,
memories don't go away,
I remember every day.

-”requiem for O.M.M” by of Montreal

--

“Hey, sorry I'm late,” Lily apologized as she approached Benjy.

“No problem, it was worth the wait,” he told her before pulling her to him, but as he was about to deepen the kiss Lily pushed him away. “What's wrong?”

“You know I hate doing that in public Benjy.”

“Right, sorry. Didn't mean to upset you, forgive me?”

Lily smiled at him; she'd never been able to deny him, “okay.”

“So, I was wondering if I could ask you something.”

“Sure, anything.”

“What's with you and Potter, because I heard some interesting rumors today.”

“Oh that? He was just teasing me; don't think anything of it Benjy.”

“How am I supposed to ignore them? He called you sexy in the middle of class, and some people even said that he had his hand up your skirt.”

“Benjy, he has a bit of a thing for me, but trust me, it's totally one sided, my feelings for him are purely platonic— honestly how could you possibly think that I would let another guy put his hand up my skirt,” she told him with a small smile that all the guys she had dated in the past had told her was sexy, praying that it would work on him all the while.

“Stop hanging out with him Lily.”

She sighed, “Don't make me choose between you two, if you do I'll pick him just to spite you because you made me choose.”

Benjy let out an aggravated sigh, able to see that he was fighting a losing battle, “fine, but promise me Lily, if he tries anything-”

“I'll stop it, you have my word.”

“Good, now come over here,” he told her as he pulled her onto his lap.

-->

14. Phase VIII: threatening territory lines

Chapter XIV: Phase VIII: threatening territory lines

--

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs
And repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over
I will block the door
Like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game of rivalry

-“nothing better” by the Postal Service

--

Wednesday

--

“So what do you think of James?” Alice asked, albeit not as inconspicuously as she would have desired, as the three lay on Lily's bed doing homework during their free period.

“He's great, why?” Lily asked her suspiciously.

“You two seem pretty flirtatious around one another is all.”

“Wasn't that the point of all this?”

“Yeah, but you two seem to enjoy it.”

“Well flirting is fun.”

“I have a question,” Elle piped up.

“Shoot.”

“If you were single, would you go out with James?”

“well yeah, I mean he's hot and great company, can't get much better than that… plus we haven't been mates for all that long so we haven't crossed that line at which it can no longer be anything, but platonic.”

“You seem to have put a lot of thought into that,” Alice commented.

“She did seem to answer pretty quickly, no hesitation what so ever,” Elle agreed.

“well I'm not about to deny that he and his mates are probably some of the most attractive guys I've ever met—I'm not that delusional. Plus, I also heard he's a great shag—but still, he's a friend, nothing more.”

“It's true, he is a great shag,” Elle agreed.

“You two have shagged?!” Lily and Alice simultaneously asked, shocked by he admission.

“Fifth year, we both got drunk and ended up in bed together. Honestly, I would have continued shagging him, he was just that good, but he didn't want to ruin our friendship.”

“Did he know that you wanted to though?” Alice asked.

“Well I wasn't about to lose my pride by telling him.”

“Yeah Alice, she already lost her panties to him, she couldn't afford to lose all that pride she had left,” Lily teased.

“This is coming from the girl that is probably the horniest drunk I've ever met,” Elle smirked at her.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Lily said in response, choosing to feign ignorance.

“If it helps Lils, I love you for that joke. It was great, such an uncharacteristic thing for you to say… it was just so me,” Alice said in awe.

“Well I personally thought it was mean,” Elle whined.

“You'll live,” Lily and Alice simultaneously told her.

Lily's eyes widened in shock, “oh my fucking God!”

“Oy, it's bad enough we say the lord's name in vain all the time, don't add a curse into the mix as well,” Alice chastised her.

“What is it Lily?” Elle asked her, ignoring Alice's ant.

“I'm turning into Alice!” Lily cried.

“Nah, impossible for you to become that big of a blunt bitch.”

“HEY!” Alice cried.

“Do you honestly deny your bitchiness?” Elle asked her in disbelief.

“No,” she meekly admitted.

“Bloody hell, we have potions in five minutes,” Lily exclaimed, fumbling as she tried to gather all her things.

“And that's all folks,” Alice sarcastically quipped as her two friends pulled her out the room.

“Why did I ever let you watch cartoons when you visited? Now I'm stuck with you making random quotes like that,” Lily groaned.

“Don't lie, you love it.”

--

It's true
Don't you realize
I've got you memorized
I see it in your eyes
When you start telling lies

-“I've got you memorized” by Ivy

--

“Have you ever arrived on time for anything?” James asked Lily once she snuck into the room and took her seat by him in potions.

“So I have a bit of a time management issue, doesn't mean you have to be cruel and mock me for it. Besides, it's not like Slughorn's about to punish me for it, he adores me, hell I'm even part of that slug club crap.”

“oh yeah, about that, we have to attend one of those tonight, couldn't get us out of it no matter how hard I tried,” James told her.

“Damn.”

“That was pretty much my reaction as well, plus a few choice words that are better off left unrepeated.”

“Nice.”

“He said that it's at eight, but I got us out of the first hour, so we can come at nine stay for a half an hour.”

“Thanks.”

“Is the prick going to be there?”

“Probably, he's part of it and I doubt that he'd willingly leave the two of us alone.”

“So the old boy's jealous.”

“And still with the slag,” Lily groaned.

“Maybe, but he's angry with me so I'm pretty damn satisfied,” James grinned.

“You really hate him, don't you?”

“Honestly didn't think that I could any more than I already did until I saw what he did to you.”

She smiled at him, “thanks, that mean's a lot.”

“Well it has nothing to do with you, he cheated on you, you were a mess, and I felt bad. Honestly I'd feel that way if it was any other girl in that position—plus I still thought you were an obnoxious bitch back then.”

“Well that's very nice,” Lily quipped.

“I'd like to think so.”

The two sat there in a comfortable silence after those words until Lily chose to interrupt it. “You know,” she paused, taking a breath as she tried to collect her thoughts. “As retarded as this may sound… even though I hate going through this hell, I kind of appreciate what I got out of it.”

“A sexy mate like me? Why yes, I must say, you really did luck out on that one.”

“You're an idiot—and you know what I meant.”

“I'm your idiot, and yeah, I do, thanks for that. Always nice to receive a little reassurance like that… helps the ego, you know. Oh, and by the way, it really wouldn't hurt to leave your shirt a bit more unbuttoned, it really is a rather lovely view if I do say so myself.”

“Perv.”

“No my dear, I'm a flirt that can no longer deny your womanly wiles.”

Lily laughed, “Bloody berk.”

“You asked for it.”

Once she realized as to what he was alluding to, Lily quickly and discreetly surveyed the room, “well it's working, I see Rachel and Melissa practically gawking at us and Benjy's glaring at you.”

“Don't sound so surprised, I'm a master at the art of wooing.”

“So basically you're a man-whore?”

“Now that's not very nice Lils.”

“Ah, Ms. Evans, Mr. Potter,” Slughorn interrupted the pair. “Let's see that potion now, shall we?”

“Yes sir,” Lily obliged, handing him a sample.

“Oh, you're already done?” he asked them in obvious surprise.

“We finished yesterday,” James told him.

“Well I don't know how you managed it, but it's perfect, you two are quite the pair if I do say so myself.”

“I concur, we really are amazing together,” James winked at Lily.

“Now, let's see Mr. Woodrow and Mr. Fenwick's potion.”

“A fantastic pair?” Lily asked him.

“Do you deny it?”

“You don't want me to answer that question,” Lily told him in response.

“Oh how you wound me!” he cried while dramatically gripping at his heart.

“You'll live, and that's the bell, so bye,” she told him as she gave him a peck on the cheek before leaving.

--

It's as if I'm scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
It's as if I scared.
It's as if I'm playing with fire.
Relax
It's as if I'm terrified.
Are you scared?
Are we playing with fire?

-“Relax” by Mika

--

“What the hell was that Lily?” Benjy asked her, grabbing her arm and pulling her into a secluded corner, as to avoid a public scene.

She looked at him incredulously in response, “what are you talking about Benjy?”

“You kissed him!”

“Yeah, on the check, so what?”

“You promised me-”

“I promised I wouldn't let him put his hand up my skirt,” she interrupted him. “It's just a peck on the cheek, no big deal, I do it Elle and Alice all the time, James is no different.”

“Yeah he is.”

“How?”

“He's a bloke.”

“And that means I can't be friends with him?”

“YES!”

Lily wrenched her arm away from his grip, “You can't control me like this Benjy, you're my boyfriend, but that doesn't mean you can stop me from being friends with other people. That'd be like me constantly accusing you of having an affair with Rachel just because you two are mates and spend time with one another.”

He looked at her dumbfounded, and in her spiteful state she couldn't do anything, but pride herself on the fact that at that moment she had turned him into a blubbering idiot.

“Bye Benjy,” she told him before walking away.

--

I took a right turn at confusion
A left when I should have gone straight on through
I ran ahead with my assumptions
And we all know what that can do

One little slip
One little slip
It was a fusion of confusion
With a few confounding things

-“One little slip” by the Barenaked Ladies

--

“Fucking hell Lily, I can't believe you said that,” Alice exclaimed as the three at by the lake, Lily retelling the events after potions class to them.

“I just—I felt so spiteful, I mean I don't deserve to be cheated on. He shouldn't be doing that to me in the first place, but then to make it worse he has the audacity to accuse me of it!”

Alice looked at Elle with raised eyebrows, both shocked by the fact that Lily had actually admitted that she deserved more.

“Well, sweetie, maybe you deserve more, maybe you should find someone that can give you what you need,” Elle told her.

“I know that I should, I get that now, I didn't before, but I realized it because of all of you and James. The problem is that I just can't seem to let go, I want to, I want to so badly, but I can't help loving him. We really just can't control the ones that we fall for. I know that it sounds pathetic, but it is what it is and I can't help it no matter how much I'd rather be a stronger person.”

“He's a wanker, one that'll never stop cheating on you,” Alice told her.

“I can't just leave without feeling like I did all that I could to salvage the relationship, I mean I guess it's not like it's totally his fault,” Lily shrugged.

“Rachel's not the only one to blame though Lils, he is too! Just minutes ago you were talking about how you deserve more, I won't put up with you going backwards now by blaming Rachel for it all. She very well didn't get the stiffy for him-- no love, that one was him,” Alice yelled at her.

“I'm not you Alice-”

“You don't have to be, you just have to realize that he very well could cheat on you again—in fact he most likely will.”

“Then let me make my own mistakes.”

Just as Alice was about to respond Elle put a hand on her arm to still her, “it hurts to see you make these mistakes Lils, that's all,” she told her before pulling Alice by the arm, the duo leaving Lily on her own by the lake.

Lily sat there for an hour, unable to move and constantly replaying her two friends' words in her mind.

“Hey, your mates told me you'd be here,” Benjy told her as he took a seat by her.

“Hi,” Lily monotonously responded, never raising her head to look at him.

“So listen, I admit that I was wrong. You should be able to have whatever friends you want.”“

Lily smiled when hearing those words, “really?”

“yeah, I guess I jut got jealous because you two have been spending so much time together, you mean so much to me Lils, I just—I don't want to lose you, and Potter—well he's Potter, you can't really blame me for feeling a little threatened by him. So what do you say, for give me?”

Lily paused; she didn't know what to say, her two friends' words still fresh in her mind, the looks of disappointment that she had received from them constantly replaying in her mind.

“Promise you'd never hurt me again?”

He looked at her, smiling so sincerely that she just couldn't make herself doubt him, “I promise.”

“Then okay, I forgive you.”

--

There are certain people
You just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you.
You begin to wonder
Could you find a better one
Compared to her now
She's in question.

-“all at one” by the fray

--

“Can this be any duller? I honestly think I'm about to die of boredom,” Lily whined.

“You're not the only one,” James assured her as he stifled a yawn.

“True, and just imagine, these people have been here an hour longer than we have.”

“It's kind of sad that we're on the verge of passing out from boredom when we've only been here for five minutes,” James admitted with a shrug.

“We're weak like that—oh look its Benjy!”

“YAY,” James sarcastically raised his hands in a faux cheer.

“No need to sound so overjoyed.”

“Hey love,” Benjy greeted her with a quick kiss.

James smirked when he saw how the prick immediately took part in the classic male display of territory by purposefully leaving his arm around her shoulders as a silent “fuck off Potter, she's my property.”

“Hello Potter.”

“Fen-Prick,” James nodded in acknowledgment.

“I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me that.”

“Okay Fen-Prick.”

“James! He told you he doesn't want you to call him that,” Lily chastised him.

“Well it's not like I actually agreed to stop mocking him,” James shrugged.

“It's alright Lils. Potty here is just a bit jealous of me, it's a defense mechanism,” Benjy assured her with a smirk sent towards James.

“That's it you two are immature wankers, I'm leaving.”

“Now look what you did,” James said.

“I didn't even do anything!”

“Well if you weren't the one that was so threatened by me we wouldn't have been in this situation in the first place.”

“You're the one that's trying to steal her from me,” Benjy accused him

“Well no shit.”

“So you admit it!”

“Are you stupid or something? I admitted it to a class full of people yesterday,” James told him in a bored tone.

“But never directly to me.”

“You're an idiot.”

“No, you are if you actually think you can take her from me. You won't, you just can't. She loves me Potter, you don't stand a chance against me,” he told James with a smug smile before turning around to walk away.

“You forgot something Fen-Prick.”

Benjy stopped dead in his tracks a those words, curiosity taking over, “And what's that?”

“You don't deserve her, and that is why I will get her,” James told him before walking away, primarily due to the fact that he hated the idea of the wanker being the one to end the conversation rather than him.

“You don't stand a chance Potter, no matter how hard you try, she's just not interested,” Benjy called after him, but James ignored his calls.

As James was walking down the corridors back towards the Heads' common room he heard Lily calling after him. He turned to face her, “you rang?”

“What'd you say to him?” Lily asked suspiciously.

“Why?”

“He's gone all caveman on me until I reminded him of our deal.”

“Figures.”

“James, what did you say to him?”

“All I did was threaten his territory a bit Lils, no big deal.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” asked a baffled Lily.

“Bye Lily,” he said, kissing her on the forehead before returning to his walk to the rooms, leaving a flabbergasted Lily rooted in her spot.

-->

15. Deviating From the Plan

Chapter XV: Deviating From the Plan

--

Last week I had the strangest dream
That everything was exactly how it seemed
Where there was never any mystery
Of who shot John F. Kennedy
It was just a man with something to prove
Slightly bored and severely confused
He steadied his rifle with his target in the center
And became famous on that day in November

Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in . . .

-“Sleeping in” by the Postal Service

--

Thursday

--

“You will not believe this, but Frank finally asked Alice out,” Elle squealed as she took a seat by Lily at the breakfast table.

“Must you be so loud?” asked a noticeably agitated Lily.

Elle frowned, disappointed by her mate's unenthused reaction, turning to the boys she asked, “What's with her?”

While Sirius and Remus just shrugged in response, James was the only one to answer, “She hasn't had her morning coffee yet and the elves haven't restocked any.”

“Wow… well congrats on making it through, sans-coffee Lily is about as bitchy as they get,” Elle laughed.

“Gee thanks,” Lily sarcastically said. “Oh, bloody hell yes, Ravenclaw has coffee. I'll see you later,” Lily announced before running off in a distinctly happier mood.

“Her addiction truly is pathetic,” Remus told Elle once Lily was out of ear shot.

“Yeah,” Elle sighed, “but she'd be the first one to tell you that, so at least she realizes it.”

“Well it looks like she'll be held up by Fen-Prick, he just came in as she was running over to his table,” Sirius noted.

“Damn, I was hoping for some quality gossip time once she got coffee into her system,” Elle pouted.

James rolled his eyes, “Fine, I'll gossip with you.”

“Really?” Elle asked, brightening up at the prospect.

“Yeah,” he said with a sigh.

“Okay so I don't know where he got the guts to, but-”

“I convinced him to, Lily was complaining about it a few days ago so I went and talked to him,” he told her, silently wishing he hadn't when he heard the loud shriek Elle emitted.

“Why didn't you tell me—us this?!”

“Because I was avoiding this,” James muttered to himself as Elle continued reprimanding him for not having enough decency to give them proper notice.

--

But you got no relief from the pain in your head
And it's hollow and greased and it says that you're dead
But you make fun and tease and the things that you said
They always stab your back
And I've been holding out for love ever since I had a heart

- “How good it can be” by The 88

--

“Hey love,” Benjy greeted Lily.

“Hey,” she smiled at him, pecking him on the lips.

“So I was wondering if you'll be coming to the game on Saturday."

“Of course, but just a heads up, you shouldn't expect me to cheer you on when you're going up against my house—the Gryffindor pride always comes before the boyfriend.”

“Not even for me?” he asked her with a pout.

“Sorry, can't, but if you're lucky maybe, just maybe, I'll put aside enough of my pride to congratulate you if you actually win by some divine miracle.”

“What? Of course I'm going to win!”

“I wouldn't be so sure of that if I were you, I've seen the practices James holds and they're tough, he's keeping them in amazing shape—best team we've had in ages.”

“Well I'm a hell of a lot better than him!” Benjy protested.

“Well I guess you never know, you might get lucky,” she teased him with a smile.

“Luck?! Is that a challenge Miss Evans?”

“Why yes, it is Mr. Fenwick. So what do you say?”

“What are the terms?”

“If Gryffindor wins you take me out to lunch after the game for a celebratory Gryffindor-rocks meal, and if Ravenclaw wins, well then I'll let you pick the terms for that one.”

“Okay, when my team wins you have to congratulate me, properly,” he told her with a smirk.

“Deal—anyway, I should go now, Elle had something to tell me. See you later,” she told him as she gave him a chaste kiss goodbye.

“Bye love, I'll see you later.”

--

I've seen the one to take my eye
She's my Sunday best
She'll blow my mind rob me blind
Then she'll take the rest
Another drink in ya sink
Down a drunken well
Chasing stars catching cars
To the moon again

Girl you got me going
Don't you wanna fly?

- “Girl” by Stereophonics

--

“James you have to win on Saturday,” Lily told him in transfiguration.

He just turned to her, taking note of her obvious panic over something and asked her, in a bored tone, “What did you do now?”

“Well—okay, so I may be a bit overly competitive—and well… I sort of screwed myself over,” Lily desperately stumbled for a way to make herself seem less pathetic.

“How?”

“I made a bet with Benjy that he and I would shag if you lost the match.”

“Wait why would that be a term? I mean wouldn't he get that either way?”

“Do you seriously think I've been having sex with him while he's been with Rachel, who knows what STI's I might get?”

“So you haven't had sex with him for three weeks?” he asked her incredulously. “Is that why you randomly get so bitchy?”

“Oi! You don't just go asking a girl that,” she smacked his arm. “And honestly, why do you think I made up all those excuses?”

“Oh right, forgot,” he grinned at her sheepishly. “It's hard to keep track of all those plans you three came up with. Anyway, I don't get it, why'd you agree if part of the plan was this whole celibacy thing?”

“I told you,” she said with an exasperated sigh, “I'm a competitive bitch.”

“So basically that leaves me with one option.”

“Well pretty much—oh and as extra incentive, if you don't win I swear I'll beat you with a stick,” she smiled sweetly at him.

“What nice options I have.”

“I'd like to think so—anyway, let's get down to business. Teach me, my transfiguration God.”

“God, huh? Well you know, I'm one in other ways as well,” he told her with a wink.

Lily rolled her eyes at his words, “So that's what you're like when you get your flirt on- a randy pervert?”

“The nice guy routine is so lacklustre—plus you wanted it to be obvious.”

“Whatever just teach me the spell already,” she said, rolling her eyes at him.

“You know you're pretty hot when you get all bossy like that Evans,” James winked at her.

--

don't want you to try and save me,
No I don't want you at all,
If we're through, then you don't blame me,
“Cause that won't do at all

If you talk too much my head will explode

- “If you talk too much (my head will explode)” by People in Planes

--

“Lily, seriously, what's with you and James?” Rachel asked her once she caught up with her after transfiguration.

“Nothing.”

“Oh don't be so vague, the boy obviously wants you-”

“We're just friends.”

“So you don't want him?” Rachel asked her sceptically.

“I have a boyfriend Rachel, remember him?” You know, the horny bastard you're currently shagging behind my back.

“Well that doesn't mean that you two can't be attracted to other people,” Rachel told her with a wink.”

“What do you want me to say?” Lily asked her with a defeated sigh, bored of the conversation, as well as the person to with whom she was speaking.

“Just admit it Lils, you like him.”

“I honestly don't understand why you care so much.”

“I don't—I just—well it'd really hurt Benjy if you were attracted to another guy when you're with him.”

I'm sure you'd find a way to console him, Lily thought to herself, allowing her inner bitch to come out once she hear that statement and became witness to the audacity of her former friend.

“Well he has nothing to worry about,” Lily told her resolutely.

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“So then you won't mind if I ask him out?”

“If you want to then there's no stopping you- go ahead.”

Rachel smiled at her and Lily could tell that she had some plan forming in the recesses of her mind at that moment, “Okay, I will.”

“Good, now I should go, bye Rachel,” Lily told her before walking away.

--

Oh, fuck it
I'm gonna have a party

I had the blankest year
I saw life turn into a TV show
it was totally weird
the person I knew
I didn't really know

- “The blankest year” by Nada Surf

--

“I hate Rachel,” Lily announced as she took a seat by James during lunch.

“I thought that was a given,” Elle asked, confused by the outburst.

“Did you catch them shagging again?” Alice asked, obviously bored by the conversation.

“No, she was trying to be supportive of my pseudo feelings for James by telling me that it was unfair of me to do that to Benjy.”

“What's wrong with that? She was just trying to be a good friend,” Sirius told her, enjoying the rise that his words would get out of her.

“Very funny wanker.”

“I have an idea,” Remus announced.

“What?” Lily asked, but her hesitation was obvious.

“Let's go get totally pissed tonight.”

“I don't know,” Lily said.

“He's right, it's the perfect solution to any problem,” James agreed.

“Lily's just hesitant about it because she tends to be a randy drunk,” Elle told them.

“You never were when you and I got pissed.”

“I was mad, but when I'm not I have a tendency to loose self control in that department. I always have to bring a mate to restrain me if I plan on getting drunk.”

“A Lily getting drunk story is always fun to regale the morning after,” Elle laughed.

“I'd say that's the worst part,” Lily sighed.

“Forget what they say, just come Lils, it'll be fun, leave your fears behind,” James told her with a smile.

“Well, I do like my alcohol.”

--

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

-“Who knew” by Pink

--

“Hey Alice,” Lily called after her as she walked out the great hall after lunch.

Alice stopped and turned around to face her, a tight smile on her face, “You rang?”

“I— I know it's not easy for you, I understand that you hate that I can still love him even when I deserve more. I get it, I do, and if the roles were reversed I know I'd feel the same, but Alice, I need you. Please, just don't give up on me.”

Alice's face softened at her words, “I'm not, even if I wanted to I couldn't Lils.”

“You did though, you walked away. For the first time you left me Alice, you—you've never done that before and I can't loose you Alice. I can't have us stop being friends because I need you too much to allow that to happen,” Lily shakily told her, leaning her body against the nearest wall for support as she tried to keep her tears at bay. “You're my rock Alice—and I know you don't need me half as much as I do you, but I'm okay with that, you're the stronger one and I've accepted that because that's something that has saved me so many times, you've helped me grow. Plus, I mean- come on. Combined we create one normal person,” she told her with a weak smile.

Alice laughed, “I won't give up on you Lils, I promise; I just—I need to know that all of this wasn't worthless… I have to know that you realize what an arse he is, that he's a liar and the risks you're taking by being with him. I want you to promise me that you're going to think about it all, take in all the factors for once because sometimes that romantic rubbish you hear really is just that, rubbish. You can't just follow your heart all the time… it screws you over, you have to let the mind make its appearance every once in a while Lils.”

Lily let herself slide down the wall until she was sitting on the ground, “You know it shocks me when I see that I had it wrong all along by thinking that he may have been too good for me—it just surprises me, so much so that I tend to have mood swings when one second I'll think I'm the one that deserves more and the next where I defend his actions by blaming Rachel. It's all just such a shock to me now that I have this new perspective and I don't know what to think or say about it anymore. I just—I hate feeling like I'm in a constant state of PMS and feeling lost like this.”

Alice sat down on the ground by Lily, pulling her into a hug. “You still love him,” she didn't have to ask, she knew Lily well enough so that questions were never really necessary between the two.

“Yeah, I—I can't help it. It's pathetic I know, but when I fall, I really fall,” she cried as Alice held her.

“Yeah it is-”

“Alice!” Lily cried shoving her lightly.

“I'm brutally honest Lils and it's why you love me, that's not going to change. Now as I was say, yes, it is pathetic, but I'm here for you to help you through it, help you make the right choice, I promise.”

“Really?”

Alice looked down at her sniffling friend, “yeah, it's you and me, always has been and always will be. You're stuck with me.”

“Thank God because I really don't know what I'd do with out you!”

--

'Cause all I wanna do
is get closer to you
'Cause all I wanna do
is make a mess out of you

-“Doorman” by Stereophonics

--

“Wait, but I thought that you told the prick that you had and STI and couldn't do the dirty,” Elle said once Lily finished recounting the terms of the bet with Benjy that evening.

The group was seated together at a table in the back of the club and had been taking intervals between drinking and dancing for the past hour, but throughout that time everyone had taken note of Elle's increase in cursing with the more alcohol that she had throughout the evening.

“Well I wanted to confront him about it yesterday so I mentioned how I got it treated and asked if he did as well-”

“Wait, why are we just learning about this now?” Alice asked.

Lily shrugged, “Forgot. Anyway, I asked and he said that he got it checked, but he didn't have one.”

“Damn, now he knows it was codswallop, or he might actually try to get you to buy that air born STI shite he was spewing,” Elle said.

“The funny part though, is that I checked the Rotan's records for the hospital wing, because I was curious to see if he actually did go, but she never treated him.”

“That fucking liar, he really needs to get his dick crucified or something, I swear the nerve to cheat and then lie as well- what a tosser.”

“Have I mentioned that I love drunk Elle?” Alice asked.

Lily laughed at Alice as she fell off her chair after making the announcement. “I think it's time you took a break from drinking, don't want to make a fool of yourself or something,” Lily told her.

“What, no!”

“I'll take her back, I have a test early morning tomorrow anyway, you guys stay and have fun,” Remus told them as he collected their things and picked up a protesting Alice and pulled her out the club.

“Is she always like that?” Sirius asked with an amused look as he watched Alice try to kiss Remus as they made their way through the crowd.

“We usually don't let it get this bad. She adores the taste of alcohol so she can go a bit overboard. We weren't as careful this time, but yeah, she usually needs to leave the party after an hour if she's drinking or she'll most likely make a fool out of herself,” Lily told him.

“I think I like drunk Alice, she seems like fun,” Sirius said with a wink at the innuendo.

“I wouldn't speak too soon mate, she tends to throw up a lot after about two hours.” James grimaced at the thought.

“Yeah, she does doesn't she?”

“OH MY FUCKING GOD! I love this song,” Elle exclaimed, jumping out of her seat and making her way onto the dance floor.

Lily turned to Sirius, “Go after her, I don't want her dancing with some pervert.”

“Gladly,” he obliged with a smile.

She watched the pair dance for a while until she felt James looking at her, “What?”

“Nothing Lils, I was just wondering.”

“And what were you thinking about Potter?”

“Why you've drunk the most out of all of us and don't seem drunk at all.”

Lily shrugged, “I told you, when I'm sad the alcohol hits me hard, but when I'm not—when it's all just for fun, I tend not to show it. I'm a horny drunk-- act on impulse and have little memory of night's events the next morning, and all the while I come off as totally conscious.”

“That's pretty—odd?”

“Well, there are various forms of drunks. Now come on, enough talk, this time it's my song that's playing,” she told him with a smile as she pulled him onto the dance floor.

--

If you want to take my body tonight
then you got to be somebody tonight
Use me just to make your body feel right
if you want to take my body tonight

- “God killed the queen” by Louis XIV

--

Friday

--

As she turned in bed her head came in contact, causing her to fall off the bed in surprise. As she slowly woke up, remaining on the floor rather than forcing herself to get up, she didn't notice that her body tangled in sheets was naked underneath until she remembered that her bed wasn't actually up against a wall as it had been last year.

Author's note: so I have a ton of mid-terms this coming week and because of that I decided to post this chapter early (since I'd forget during the week) and I won't be able to update for a week and a half after that (if I do I'll let myself procrastinate even more so than I already do and seriously fuck my self over with these exams). So yeah, the Wednesday after next you'll have your next update with this fic (sorry for the wait, but I really can't do any better than that, and usually I `m pretty good with this stuff, so please forgive me)

Anyway, one more note, on my profile I have posted links to the banners for all my fics that I've written and have made a poll for my next fic for anyone interested in what I might write after this fic.

Please review (I wasn't too sure about how I wrote this chapter so any opinions would be greatly appreciated)

-->

16. a few bumps along the way

Chapter XVI: a few bumps along the way

--

But if you are feeling sinister
Go off and see a minister
He'll try in vain to take away the pain of being a hopeless unbeliever

-“if you're feeling sinister” by Belle and Sebastian

--

Friday

--

Her eyes widened in shock as she assessed the situation, she tried to remind herself to breath as she focused on tightening her grip on the blanket, in a useless attempt to maintain some sort of decency. As she slowly got off the floor she prayed that she was just an imbecile that forgot to put on pajamas the night before and then somehow ended up in the wrong bed.

“Fuck, I just had to be the horny imbecile!” she cried out.

At the shock of the sudden sound James shot up from the bed in surprise. He squinted at the sight of a clearly almost naked Lily, as if trying to make sure that she was real, “please tell me that you're some hangover induced illusion.”

She grabbed the nearest pillow and hit him with it, “no, you dolt!”

“So what then? Did we shag?” he asked her, eyes widening at the notion.

She just rolled her eyes in response, turning to pace the room.

“Oy, you're going to wear a hole into the floor if you do that. No need to get so wound up about it, we'll work it out Lils, just stop for a second and breathe.”

She ignored him completely as she groaned in frustration, “How- how the hell did this happen?”

“Lily, I have a hangover, woke up to your screeching, and haven't had coffee yet—I have to tell you, it's just not a good start to the day, so please don't make it worse by making me nauseous with your pacing,” James groaned.

“I can't believe you, here I am on the verge of a total mental breakdown and all you can do is whine about a hangover, get over it!”

“Just calm down, we'll work it out,” he told her as he grabbed her arm to still her.

“Cover yourself up and then we can talk,” she told him with a glare.

He rolled his eyes, grabbing the duvet that had fallen off the bed along with Lily, “there, happy?”

“I just—I don't get it, how can you just act as if nothing happened! Doesn't anything get to you?!”

“It's not that big of a deal Lily, it's really not. We got drunk and shagged; it's not all that uncommon.”

“Are you really that much of a man whore that you can't even understand why this affects me so much?-”

“That's not fair!”

She bit back any retorts she may have had, opting to just take a deep sigh in an attempt to cool herself down, “I think—maybe we just need some space. I mean, we're obviously not going to get anywhere with this—it'll be better if we each just deal with it on our own.”

“Lils, no-”

“Yeah, I just—I really need to get out of here.”

--

What's left to lose? You've done enough,
And if you fail then you fail but not to us,
'Cause these last three years,
I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun,
Even if its alone.

-“on your porch” by the Format

--

“Morning,” James greeted the group as he took a seat at the breakfast table.

“Where's Lily?” Alice asked.

“Oy, no mocking her, every time she has a hangover you do that jut to get a rise out of her!” Elle reprimanded her.

“But it's so much fun to do before the hangover potion kicks in,” Alice pouted.

“I wouldn't do it if I were you, especially after you made a fool out of yourself last night,” Remus told her.

“Fuck, I was hoping nothing happened.”

“At least you have no recollection of it, that way you can deny it ever happening because you don't remember it,” Remus told her with a wink.

“True, you really are brilliant Lupin.”

“I try.”

“So where is Lily anyway? I thought she'd be the first one here for her pick me up morning coffee, “Elle asked James.

“Um, she's not feeling too well, won't be coming down.”

Elle eyed him suspiciously, obviously aware of the fact that he had just lied, before her eyes widened, “Bloody hell—now way—you didn't-”

James groaned when he realized that she knew.

“What? What the hell is going on?” Alice asked.

“You two shagged, didn't you?” Elle asked.

“Well—I mean—maybe?” James desperately stumbled for words only to be left speechless.

“No way!” Remus exclaimed.

“But how?” Sirius asked.

“Does he really have to give you the birds and the bees speech?” Alice snapped at him. “And you—how the hell could you let that happen?”

“Well it's not like I had much control over it, we were pissed.”

“Fuck James, of all the girls-”

“I know, okay? I know, it's bad enough that she won't talk to me, I don't need you berating me as well,” he told her before getting up to leave.

“Well someone's in a pissy mood,” Alice quipped as she watched him leave.

“You didn't have to do that,” Sirius told her.

“Well what was I supposed to say?”

“Look at him Alice, he cares about her, he already feels guilty, you didn't have to add to it,” Sirius told her before leaving the hall, following James.

“I'm going to go after them two, make sure everything's okay,” Remus told them.

Alice and Elle sat in an uncomfortable silence until Alice finally interrupted it, “I didn't mean to be mean.”

“I know.”

“But it doesn't make it any better, does it?”

“No, not really,” Elle admitted.

“Damn.”

“Yep.”

--

Are you feeling just like me, Feeling down, down, down.
Wishing you were beside me nightly,
Down, down, down.
I'll keep my eyes glued to the ground.
Down, down, down.

-“sometimes the sun” by the Lashes

--

“Hey love,” Benjy greeted her as he took a seat by her at the stands of the quidditch pitch.

“Hey, how did you know I was here?”

“I was about to practice when I noticed you here.”

“Lucky me,” she said with a smile as she let him pull her into his chest.

“So what's with you, you seem down.”

“Just tired, we went out for a few drinks last night and I didn't get much sleep. Don't think I'm going to go to class today.”

“Probably for the best, don't want you falling asleep half way through the lesson,” he teased her.

“That only happened once.”

“It's pretty sad that it ever even happened.”

“Shut up,” she playfully shoved him.

“So who did you go out with last night?”

“Oh it was just Alice, Elle, James, Sirius, and Remus; why?”

She could tell that he was holding back when he tightly responded: “just wondering.”

“Nothing happened,” she assured him, but she couldn't ignore her guilt over her lie.

“I trust you, maybe not him, but I know I can count on you.”

She forced herself to smile, “you should head to class, don't want you to get into trouble because of me.”

“You'd be worth it, but for your conscience, I'll go,” he told her before giving her a kiss. “Bye love.”

“Bye.”

--

It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry"
Five days since you laughed at me saying
"Get that together come back and see me"
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
but it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

-“one week” by the Barenaked Ladies

--

“James,” Rachel called after him, trying to get his attention as he made his way to the pitch.

He stopped and turned around, waiting for her to catch up to him, “uh, hey Rachel, what can I do for you?”

She smiled at him flirtatiously, “actually it's a question of what I can do for you.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, ignoring the innuendo.

“How would you like to go on a date with me?”

As James was about to respond out of the corner of his eye he noticed Lily making her way back to the castle from the stands. “Um, sorry Rachel, but I actually have my eye on someone at the moment,” he told her before leaving her to catch up with Lily.

“Hey,” he greeted her as he grabbed onto her arm to keep her from walking away.

She turned to look at him, obviously uncomfortable, “hi.”

“Can we talk?” when he noticed her pause he continued, “I promise it's just walking and talking, nothing more, you have my word.”

“I could always truest your word.”

“Is that a yes?” he asked her with a small smile.

She smiled shyly as she nodded her head in consent. The two sat in an uncomfortable silence, James waiting for Lily to make the first move, and Lily trying to work up the nerve to apologize to him, “I know you didn't do it on purpose, I get that, and I don't blame you.”

“Then what is it? Why are you avoiding me?”

“I just—I feel so guilty, and I know this is going to sound horrible, but you—you're just a reminder of what I did.”

“Is it really that horrible?” he asked her quietly.

“I don't know, and that's the worst part of it. I just—I feel like I'm no better than him because a part of me really doesn't regret last night, and it just makes me feel like such a slag.”

“You're not.”

She threw up her hands in exasperation, “I- I want to believe that, I do, but it feels like such a copout to say that. I mean, I did exactly what he did, I'm no better. It doesn't matter how many times, either way it's betraying the other person—and the worst part is that now I can justify his actions because I see how easy it is, and I hate that because I really do despise him for what he's putting me through, but now I no longer have a right to, do I?”

“You were drunk and it was one time, you're not a bad person Lils.”

“Doesn't change the fact that I feel like one, does it?”

“No, I suppose not.” He sighed, “What do you need me to do?”

She sighed, although she knew what she needed, it wasn't necessarily what she wanted, and that was something that scared her, “Just give me some space, I can't have a constant reminder of it, I need time to work things out.”

“Okay, you've got it… just, Lily, don't make me wait too long… you're easy to miss Evans.”

“Same here Potter,” she smiled at him before getting up to leave.

--

I'm having trouble breathing

You're sitting on my chest

I sure could use the rest

Leave me

-“trouble sleeping” by the Perishers

--

“Mind if I take this seat?” Rachel asked Lily.

“Sure.”

“So why are you just sitting in the common room staring at the fire?”

“I don't know, it's nice,” Lily tiredly shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

“So what do you want to talk about?”

“How'd you know?” Rachel asked her in surprise.

“I can tell that there's something you're itching to ask me.

“You know me too well.—I was wondering if you could tell me what the deal is with you and James.”

“I told you that there's no story behind it, we're just mates.”

“I asked him out today and he said that he was interested in someone else before running off to you.”

“Coincidence.”

“I think not.”

“Well if it isn't then it's one sided.”

“And what does Benjy think about that?”

“Why?” Lily eyed her suspiciously, wondering if he had said something to Rachel.

“Because you're his girlfriend, I doubt he likes the fact that you two are close, especially when James is so obvious about the fact that he likes you.”

“We talked about it, he trusts me,” Lily shrugged, inadvertently taking joy in the rise that her monosyllabic responses got out of Rachel.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yeah I am,” Lily said, quickly growing tired of the conversation. She already felt totally drained, but the way that the conversation with Rachel was going, she was feeling even more exhausted by the minute. “Rachel I can't deal with this, I'm too worn-out to go through this again, take it up with Benjy if you really need to because all I want to do now is rest a bit,” she wearily told her before leaving the Gryffindor dormitory on her way to her own.

--

I can't be sure
You never can
But the signs I know
Where does it come from
Where does it go
Why does it kill you
Painful and slow
I'm out of the fire
I'm into your home

I wanna feel you feel you feel you
Feel you again

-“feel” by Stereophonics

--

“I have a bit of a problem,” James told Sirius and Remus as the three walked odd the pitch on their way to the showers after their practice.

“So now you're ready to talk? When we're sweaty and in dire need of a shower, nice Prongs,” Remus said.

“Sorry, just wasn't in the mood this morning—Lily and I got into a fight.”

“Whatever, just get on with it before you lose the nerve,” Sirius told him.

“Okay, what I say has to be in the strictest of confidence.”

Remus rolled his eyes at the statement, “because we're a bunch of gossiping twits, not your best mates.”

James rolled his eyes, “no need to be so offended.”

“Oy! Just get on with it,” an exasperated Sirius ordered him.

James paused before quietly saying, “I'm think I might be starting to fall for Lily.”

“Well we already knew that, why'd you waste my time like that?” Remus told him.

“No, you don't get it—I'm falling for her, like I'm seriously in like with her.”

“In like?” Sirius asked incredulously.

“Well give me a little credit, I'm not about to fall in love after only four weeks.”

“But you're James Potter,” Sirius sputtered in shock.

“So?”

“You don't really fall for girls, you never have; it's always a passing interest—never anything… substantial.”

“Well fuck logic, it's a bitch anyway.”

“But that's just—wow, she really did a number on you,” Sirius said in awe.

“What do I do?” he groaned as he threw his head into his hands in frustration.

“She still loves him,” Remus told him with a shrug.

“I know.”

“If her goal hasn't changed by now then it's not going to, you're the one that's going to have to do the changing mate.”

“But I just—I can't! She's—she loves quidditch, she's the weirdest girl I've ever met and—she's just Lily. I'm- I'm not used to this, I'm not used to actually caring about a girl that isn't just a mate and it scares me. And then the worst part is that I know that she deserves better than both of us, but I've never really liked a girl until now and I'm just supposed to forget about it?”

“Yeah,” Remus told him.

“It's ironic you know,” Sirius commented.

“What is?” James asked.

“Throughout this entire competition you and Fenwick have had all these years you've always won, but the only time that it ever really matters to you, you're the one to lose.”

“Yeah, I'm not finding the amusement in this,” James glared at him

“You just—you have to let her go mate, she's not going to change her mind and if you try to force her to you'll lose her as a friend as well.”

“Great, I get to be the loser,” James groaned.

“Well it'll be a first for you, quite a novelty actually,” Sirius told him with a smile, desperately trying to ease his mood.

“You guys go ahead I need to just stay here a bit.”

“You sure about that?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah, I just—I need to cool down a bit before going back to the dorm to see Lily.”

“Not a good idea,” Remus told him.

“Don't have much of a choice considering that I live with her.”

“He's right about that one,” Sirius told Remus.

“You're not going to do anything drastic, are you mate?” Remus asked him.

“No promises, but personally, I'd like nothing better than to go out and overthrow that relationship.”

“Well you're fucked there, how about a more peaceful, Ghandi-esque route?” Sirius

James just blankly stared at him in response.

“Right, so we'll just leave you here to do your thinking.”

--

Author's note: so here I am yet again, hope you enjoyed it. Once again I wasn't sure about this chapter (but then again that happens to me a lot, lol), but I hope you enjoyed it, and please review

-->

17. phase IX: insecurity

Chapter XVII: phase IX: insecurity

--

And you'll never know, what could have been,
And you'll never see, where I've been,
And you'll never know, what could have been,
and you'll never see, where I've been

-“Hideaway” by Rock Kills Kid

--

Saturday

--

“Lily? What are you doing here?” James asked her with a smile when she surprised him by appearing at his door.

“Hey, um—I know we're not talking and all that, but I just—I wanted to wish you good luck at the game today.”

He smiled, “Thanks, any chance I'll see you at the celebratory party?”

“Don't think so, I have plans with Benjy.”

“Oh right… what do you get out of the deal when Gryffindor wins anyway?”

she laughed, “Okay I let you pass with the `celebratory party' comment, but seriously that second one is just far too cocky for me to let it go, especially since it followed the last one. I can't even catch a break with that ego of yours,” she teased him, slightly nudging his shoulder with hers.

“It's well deserved, trust me.”

“I'll take your word for it. As for your question, he has to take me out to lunch.”

“Getting him to celebrate a Gryffindor victory, nice.”

“I'd like to think so—listen I should go, I just wanted to say… that.'

“Thanks, it means a lot to hear.”

--

Well I could see,
you home with me,
but you were with another man, yea!
I know we ain't got much to say,
before I let you get away, yea!
I said, are you gonna be my girl?

-“are you gonna be my girl” by Jet

--

“You had the perfect chance and you chickened out?!” Sirius asked him incredulously as the three were having breakfast.

“You can't just expect me to blurt it out like that; the girl loves him for fuck's sake!”

“But she was flirting with you,” Sirius argued.

“She didn't realize it—just let me deal with this on my own terms.”

“And what would that be, ignoring the fact that this is the first girl that you've ever really liked?”

“It's what she wants, I've fucked it up with enough girls as it is and I'm not about to do it again, much less with a girl I actually care about.”

“You're pathetic.”

“Why's James pathetic this time?” Elle asked as she and Alice took a seat by the pair at the breakfast table.

“He has a thing for Lily, but doesn't have the courage to go and tell her,” Sirius told them without the slightest bit of hesitation.

“Oi, I told you not to tell them!”

Sirius just waved him off in response, fully dismissing him by saying: “They're girls, they know how to deal with this stuff, if anything they can give you advice.”

“Fuck, how the hell did you end up falling for Lily?”

“It just happened, I don't know, can we please drop it?” he begged.

“No way,” Elle told him. “I love gossip too much to let you do that, now talk.”

“About what?”

“Why you haven't told her.”

“She's in love with that prick,” James answered, pointing to Lily and Benjy, who were having breakfast at the Ravenclaw table.

“That is a good reason.”

“It's pathetic; why are you going to listen to Remus on this one? I'll admit that he's the more reasonable one out of us, but as far as this is concerned, he's wrong. You like her and you're going to whine and mope if you don't have her, so spare me the headache and just get on with it because we all know you're going to do it regardless,” Sirius snapped at him.

Alice looked at him strangely, “You sound like me.”

“Whatever, I'm going; have to prepare for the match anyway.”

“I'm going to go after him. I should be heading out as well anyway, have a game to win,” he told them with a forced smile.

“You sound awfully sure of yourself there Potter,” Alice teased him.

“Like I'm going to let that git beat me at quidditch as well,” he muttered bitterly as he walked off in search of Sirius.

Once he was out of earshot Elle turned to Alice, “Fucking hell, I can't believe he fell for her”

“Did you just curse?—my God, it's such a rare occurrence that it still comes off as a shock to me every time that it happens.”

“Alice, stay on topic with me here!”

“Okay, okay, no need to get so bitchy.”

Elle just glared at her in response.

“Oh don't try that one on me; you're too nice to pull it off. You look like a bloody poodle trying to be a rottweiler.”

“What kind of an analogy is that?”

“A good one, you should see when my aunt's poodle tries to be intimidating, hilarious really.”

Elle rolled her eyes, “Whatever—point is that I thought you said he would never fall for her.”

“Well it was a bit of an unforeseen incident-” she tried to reason with her.

“Alice!”

“Okay, okay, I'll stop being annoying—but it was fun, I won't deny that; getting a rise out of you is hilarious.”

“Alice-” Elle told her with a glare, but that time it actually was rather menacing.

“I don't know how it happened, okay? I really have no idea,” she told her, pouting slightly.

“Oh don't try that on me, you're too big of a bitch for that to work for you.”

“Calm down Elle, it's not that big of a deal.”

“He's a player Alice; we can't have her move on from one to another!”

“I thought you liked James.”

“I do—he's hot, an amazing mate, but he's not boyfriend material, and Lily can't have anything else, not when she's finally gaining some sense of self-worth.”

“He may have changed,” Alice told her in an unusually hopeful and optimistic voice, highly reminiscent of Lily's —a fact that she tried to ignore.

“Or he just thinks he has.”

Alice sighed, “Okay, I'll talk to him.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem, but just so you know, I get that you're worried for her, and it makes sense why, but I really think he's changed.”

“And I really hope so.”

--

1,2,3,4

We don't wanna be,
Your enemy,
But when we're on the field,
It's red, white and green,

Got beat by the Irish,
Got beat by the Scots,
The French had a struggle,
But you're the one we want,
We want...

As long as we beat the English, we don't care

-“as long as we beat the English” by Stereophonics

--

“Yes! I knew it! We won. Look at those bastards pouting over losing!” Alice cheered after the game ended.

“You're such a bitch sometimes,” Elle told her with a disapproving look.

“I can't say I blame you mate, I'm a competitive bitch too, totally get it,” Lily said, although not particularly proud of the fact.

“Thank you; at least I have one good friend.”

“You two are pathetic,” Elle rolled her eyes at the pair, walking away from them as she said that.

“I don't think she appreciated that comment,” Alice laughed.

“She loves us; we make her dull and organized life fun. She needs us just like we need her; it's a sick and twisted circle, but works out in our favour.”

Lily chuckled at the words, “Very nice observation there—wait, what? Why are you frowning now? What's going on?”

“The slag's making her move on a sad little boy that just lost a match,” Alice told her.

“Um, I should—I think I'm going to go congratulate James on a game well played.”

“Nice move, I have to say I approve,” Alice told her with a wink.

“You're going to be okay?”

“Yeah, don't worry about me, I have a boyfriend to congratulate—albeit it's in a different manner,” she told Lily with a wink.

“Okay, have fun.”

“I will and good luck.”

Lily walked right past Benjy and Rachel, making sure that they noticed her as she made her way to James. “Hey,” she greeted him with a hug and a peck on the check, “Congrats on the win, you were great, absolutely amazing.”

“Thanks Lily. Listen I-”

“Lils,” a voice from behind her interrupted him.

“Benjy, looks like I won the bet,” she told him with a smile as she kissed him.

“I was hoping you would forget about that, guess I wasn't that lucky; you want to head out now?”

“Well James was just telling me something-”

“It's fine, it can wait,” he told her with a tight smile, leaving no room for argument.

“Um okay, bye,” she said as he walked away, returning her attention to Benjy, “Right then you go and take a shower and I'll just wait with the girls, don't want you going all smelly for our date.”

Benjy watched her go off to meet up with Alice and Elle before running to catch up with James, grabbing him by the arm to turn him to look at him, “Stay away from her Potter.”

James sighed, “Fenwick don't you think this has become awfully trite? If you two had such a strong relationship you wouldn't be nearly as worried about my relationship with her.”

“Just stay away from her,” he told him with a growl before walking away.

“A prime example of a wanker in his natural habitat, don't you think Remmy?” Sirius asked, clapping James on the back as he and Remus joined him.

“Couldn't have said it better myself.”

“Come on, let's go shower and change, there's a party in our honour and it'd be rude of us to miss it,” Sirius told him as he led his two friends to the changing room.

--

It's alright
I won't commit my friend
and if you pay for your mistakes
You can break apology
It's just fine

-“committed” by Pete Yorn

--

“Sorry about your loss,” Lily tried to console Benjy.

“That would be a bit more believable if you could wipe that smirk off your face,” he teased her as he raised a hand to wipe off the moustache she had from drinking her butter beer. “You never were good with foam.”

“Glad to see you're in a better mood.”

“No point to pout when I've got the company of a beautiful woman,” he winked at her. “Besides, there's a match up against Hufflepuff in two weeks that can make up for this game.”

“And I'm sure you'll be great.”

“Glad to hear I have your support… even if it fluctuates at times.”

“Part of my charm,” she told him with a smile.

“I am sorry though—you know, for moping like that before, it just—I guess I'm more frustrated by losing to Potter than the loss itself.”

“What is it with you two anyway? Why are you always competing with one another?”

“It just—it's always been like that.”

“Well it doesn't have to be, I mean all you have to do is kiss and make up—it's easy enough to do, and I'm speaking from experience.”

“It's not going to happen Lils, it's just not.”

She raised her hands in surrender, “Fine, I give up.”

“I know I said I would let you be, but I have to ask, how can you be friends with him? I just—I don't understand why so many girls fall for him, why so many people act like he's something amazing when he's really nothing special.”

“I don't know,” she cocked her head to the side. “I never got it before, but I think I can see it now. I mean he's undeniably attractive, he's smart, amazing at quidditch, and just a really great bloke to spend time with.”

He raised a teasing eyebrow at her, “is there something I should be aware of Lils?”

“Benjy no need to fret, in the end of the day you're the boyfriend, not him. All I'm saying is that you can't blame a girl for fancying him, there's an undeniable charm about him.”

“Honestly, I think he's just a horny wanker.”

While Benjy hadn't sounded particularly hostile, but rather well at ease when making the comment Lily couldn't help, but be offended by it. “Benjy, he's a good mate of mine, I'm not going to just sit back and let you say that about him.”

He sobered up at that comment, his voice taking on more of a low, guttural tone as he spoke to her, “Is it true Lily? Are the rumours right about you falling for him?”

“Benjy, I've told you too many times the answer to that question, now let's stop with this, I don't want to do this, much less so in a public place.”

“Look around you Lils, the place is empty. Now answer the question, did you or did you not fall for him?”

“There is nothing going on between us Benjy.”

“You didn't answer the question Lily!”

“And I won't, if you can't trust me then that's your problem, but I sure as hell won't sit here and put up with this bloody inquisition,” she spat at him as she left, for the first time ignoring his pleads for her to return.

--

From hundreds of miles you cry like a baby
You plead with me, shout, scream, tell me I'm staying
I know I know I know, I'm still your love
Back from the last place that I wanted to fake you
Laugh with me, shout, scream now tell me you're staying
I know I know I know, you're still my love
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you

-“I know, Know, I know” by Tegan and Sara

--

When Lily walked into the Heads' common room she immediately noticed that Alice and Elle had passed out on the floor- most likely having stumbled into the room when leaving the party in the Gryffindor room, but never having made it to the couches as they had hoped- with the help of a spell she lifted them off the floor and took them to her room where she let them have her bed for the night.

Alice, however, woke as Lily was leaving the room, “Lily what are you doing here?—wait, what's the time?”

“It's four in the morning, now go back to sleep, we can talk in the morning.”

“No, no, it's okay; I'm good—well, sort of. Tell me what happened, you didn't shag him, did you? Because if you did-”

“Calm down, I'm not that stupid. We just got into an argument over James and I wasn't in the mood for a party so I just walked around a bit, cleared my head, thought some things over.”

“So what's the end result of Lily time?”

“Honestly? It's just lots of confusion.”

“Why? I thought it was plain and simple as far as you were concerned.”

“I do—at least I'm pretty sure I do. I just—I feel like I'm manipulating him by doing all of this to make him jealous.”

“So you feel guilty?” Alice asked her incredulously.

“Well, yeah.”

“You're a fucking idiot.”

“Why this time?” Lily asked her with a groan.

“Well let me put it in laymen's terms for you: he's cheating on you and you're the one that feels guilty. There is something seriously wrong with that scenario.”

“I cheated too.”

“You were drunk.”

“No excuse.”

“Maybe not, but it does change a lot.”

“It's still cheating Alice; you can't make him out to be Satan without pulling me down with him because in the end we both did the same thing.”

Alice rolled her eyes, “You know what, you're annoying, I'm going back to sleep.”

Lily chuckled slightly, “Your honesty is always so endearing.”

--

Important Questionnaire: I have a vital question for all of my readers: I need to know if I were to create a playlist through which you could get the songs that I've shown in this fic would you use it? please understand that I really need you to respond to this or I won't do it (since it is time consuming)

-->

18. the paradox of answers

Chapter XVIII: the paradox of answers is that they only ever lead to more questions

--

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles

-“story of a girl” by 3 doors down

--

Sunday

--

“When are you going to tell her?” Sirius asked James as he and Remus were getting ready for the party.

“Maybe he just doesn't want to,” Remus said to him.

“Of course he does… don't you James?”

“Sorry Moony, but I think I'm going to go for it… just not exactly sure when. It has to be perfect timing or I'll just lose my nerve again.”

“Coward,” Remus muttered.

“Oi, I thought you didn't want me to tell her! Just a few seconds ago you were rallying against it.”

“I didn't, but if you're going to go for it, then you go for it, don't sit around leafing through some magazine and moping all evening.”

“It has an interview with the German national quidditch coach on his training, how is that pathetic?”

“He has a point, that's a great issue,” Sirius reluctantly agreed.

Remus rolled his eyes in exasperation, “Just go tell her, or at least get advice from one of the girls.”

“Preferably Elle, Alice will just tell you to jump her bones or something, you know how kinky that girl can be.”

James sighed, “Just let me do it on my own terms!”

“Listen, worst case scenario is that she says no. You're a bloody Gryffindor, you're supposed to be brave a shit, so man up and tell her,” Sirius reasoned.

“I will, I promise. I'll talk to Elle, get her opinion- I'll do it all, just let me take my time. I don't want to rush it.”

“You don't get it, do you James?” Remus asked him. “If you wait too long you'll really lose her to Fen-Prick, that's the reality of this and the sooner you get that through that thick skull of yours the better. You don't have any time to waste because in case you haven't noticed, the plan worked, he's interested again. Lily will succeed at what she's worked for, for the past four weeks, there's no doubt of that, the only question is if she'll still want it and that wholly depends upon you.”

“You're kind of intimidating when you're like that,” Sirius noted.

“And he's fucking right,” James groaned.

--

Hey You
Don't you give up
It's not so bad
There's still a chance for us

Hey You
Just be yourself
Don't be so shy
There's reasons why it's hard

Keep it together
You'll make it alright
Our celebration is going on tonight
Poets and prophets would envy what we do
This could be good

-“Hey you” by Madonna

--

“Poirot,” James called from below the girls' staircase.

“Yeah?” she yelled in response, never leaving her room, only opening the door to better hear him.

“Need to talk to you, any chance you can come down, it's kind of private.”

“It's beautification time; you can't ask me that now you bloody prick!”

“It's about what we were talking about yesterday morning,” he announced, well aware of the fact that that'd get her attention; she always did like gossip too much for her own good.

In a matter of seconds she was standing in front of him, slightly stumbling as she tried to run down the stair in her heels, “you're far too much of a klutz to wear heels Elle; I thought we went over that.”

“yeah and everything would be fine if it weren't for the fact that men are horny bastards that are far too turned on by a woman in a good pair of heels for me to actually get away with wearing flats. Men suck.”

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

He laughed at her indigent response.

“So what did you want to talk about?” he pulled her to the side of the room, “Hey, idiot, this won't give you any privacy, we're in a common room!”

“Someone's bitchy,” he teased her.

“You're wasting my time James; I still have to do my hair.”

“I just—I need your advice.”

She eyed him suspiciously, raising a questioning eyebrow at him, “I'm not helping you with Lily.”

He stepped back slightly in shock, “Wait, what?—why not?”

“No offence James, I mean you're a great mate and all, but you're a player. I'm not going to help someone that's just going to break Lily's heart again,” she told him, albeit bluntly. She just felt as if she owed it to him to be honest.

“I wouldn't do that.”

She sighed, “You did so much for her, you built up her esteem and I'm so thankful to you for that, but I have to be realistic as well. Lily may be far stronger, but she still has a long way to go, and a bloke like you won't do her any good.”

“I wouldn't hurt her Elle, I wouldn't.”

“Are you sure about that James? I mean, your history doesn't say much in your favour, and—I don't know, maybe you do really think you wouldn't hurt her, but think about it James. Is there a chance that you'd do it unintentionally?”

“I think you overestimate your powers of perception Elle.”

“And I think you overestimate your ability to be in a monogamous relationship, you never even really tried it James, much less with a girl like Lily. You have to understand, I just want to protect my best mate.”

“What if I promise?”

Elle was surprised by the question, “Come again?”

James sighed, running a hand through his hair to let out some of his frustration, “Can you deny that I keep my word?”

“No, I suppose not, I always did kind of respect you for that one, even if it was to tell girls that they were just a one night stand.”

“Elle, seriously, please.—what if I promise not to hurt her?”

“James I believe that-”

“Elle, out of all the guys here, who do you think would be best suited for her, honestly?”

That question left her too stunned to speak. She literally had to force herself to mutter the word, “You.”

“She's good for me, just like I am for her and you know it.”

She paused before finally speaking, “Tell her that Elle and Alice approve, that's all the advice I can really give you. I tend to have more of a romance novel perception of love, Lily's more of a proposal at a quidditch game type of girl.”

He smiled at her, mussing her hair up as he winked at her, “Thanks, I'll leave you to go beautify yourself.”

“Potter,” she called out to him, causing him to pause at the boys' staircase.

“Yeah?”

“Good luck.”

“Potters don't need luck Elle, you know that.”

“Well then I honestly hope that that applies here as well.”

--

Well Daft Punk is playing at my house, my house
I'll show you the ropes kid, show you the ropes
I got a bus and a trailer at my house, my house
I'll show you the ropes kid, show you the ropes
I bought 15 cases for my house, my house
All the furniture is in the garage

Well, Daft Punk is playing at my house, my house
You've got to set them up kid, set them up

-“daft punk is playing at my house” by LCD Soundsystem

--

“Hey boys,” Lily greeted them as they came up to her and Elle at the party.

“Where's Prewitt?” Sirius asked.

“Over there, up against Frank,” Lily pointed to the couple on the dance floor.

“Lucky bastard,” James muttered.

Remus laughed at the sight before turning to Lily, “Great party Lils, just the thing we needed before midterms start next week.”

“Had to make up for that disaster of a party that I threw for Rachel, didn't I?” she told them with a smile before turning her attention to James, “So, anyway, where's the date, Potter?”

James looked up from his drink that he had placed an inordinate amount of attention to ever since Remus and Sirius had pulled him over to Lily, “Pardon?”

“You always have an escort with you James, where is the lucky girl?”

He shrugged, “No date tonight.”

“Wow, has the James Potter lost his mojo?”

“I do believe he did Lils—unless there's more to the whole marauder friendship than we thought,” Elle teased them.

“Oi, I'm straight, that one you should know for a fact Poirot,” Sirius told her with a wink.

“Just James, I swear, he's only teasing me because apparently I'm easy,” she told her, all the while blushing ferociously.

“It's rather ironic if you think about it,” Remus noted.

“What is?” James asked.

“The fact that Elle- the only girl I know that blushes, the one that admonishes people when they curse- is, in all actuality, a slag.”

“Oi! I'm not a slag… just a bit randy at times.”

“Wonderfully put Elle, really,” Lily chuckled.

“Shut up. I'm going,” Elle announced as she grabbed Remus by the arm and pulled him onto the dance floor, all the while ignoring his protests.

“I think we embarrassed her,” Lily stage whispered to James.

“And you're next,” he told her with a smirk.

Lily's eyes widened at the statement, “What? Why? How come?”

“You mocked Sirius, Remus, Elle, and me- ergo you're next love.”

“Not fair-”

She, however, never got to finish her sentence as she noticed Alice making her way to the group, “Hey, how the hell did you manage to unglue yourself from Frank, I thought you two had become permanently attached to-”

Alice interrupted her by raising a hand to signal for her to stop; she unceremoniously crouched over in an attempt to regain her breath. “Fen-Prick—the slag—left,” she told her between deep breaths. “Followed - classroom—by portrait—perverted knight.”

Lily's eyes continuously widened as Alice told her what had happened, she let out a deep sigh as she tried to hold back the tears, “Fucking hell, at my bloody party.”

Sirius turned to Alice after having watched Lily run out of the room, clearly in search of the couple, “Why the hell did you have to do that? She was having a good time.”

“If you want her to finally realize what a wanker her boyfriend is you have to be a bit more forceful so the idea will finally get through,” Alice told him, finally having regained the energy to complete full sentences. “Now you boys have fun, I'm off to find Frank, he still thinks I'm in the bathroom,” she told them with a wink before walking away.

--

Jealousy won't get you anything that you lost
Jealousy, it will never be what it was
Jealousy, now I'm afraid of what I've become
Jealousy, it feels like everything's come undone

-“jealous girls” by The Gossip

--

Once Lily reached the classroom she had fully intended on running into the room and having a full on gung-ho bitch moment, but when she saw that the door was actually open she couldn't help, but let her curiosity get the best of her as she stealthily made sure that they couldn't see her as she stood by the door, listening in on their conversation.

“Benjy, what is it? Whatever it is, you know you can talk to me,” she heard Rachel say.

“You know I have a great time with you, right love?”

“Well I should hope so,” Lily had to restrain herself when she heard Rachel say those words; she could practically imagine the smirk on her face as she said them.

Alice was right, the girl's nothing more than an average slag.

“Well you see—the thing is… even though we've been having this amazing time with one another, I was thinking… maybe we should, you know…”

“No, I obviously don't know,” she said, but there was a hint of malice in her words that so obviously contradicted her statement.

“I think that we should just let bygones be bygones. You know, end it while it's at its best so that all we have left are good memories.”

“Are you breaking up with me?!” Rachel shrieked in shock, “and with that bullshit speech, of all things?”

“It's just…well I don't want to hurt Lily, and she's so important to the both of us-”

“Lily? You're worried about Lily? Where was this sentiment, oh I don't know, for the past three months we've been shagging?”

“Well,” he paused at her question, obviously uncomfortable, “I've revaluated the situation since then.”

“Oh my God,” Rachel gasped, laughing bitterly as comprehension dawned upon her, “You haven't revaluated anything you wanker, instead it's her that has, isn't it? She's found someone to replace you with.”

“That's not true!”

“But it is and you know it and worse yet, it's with the bloke that's always proven to be your superior, your greatest competition.”

“She loves me, not him.”

“Even you don't believe that one Benjy, so don't try to feed that bullshit to me. I'm smarter than most people think,” she spat at him. “Admit it; it's why you're scared.”

There was no response to that statement, but it was more than enough for Rachel, “You're pathetic.”

“Okay, if that's what you think then fine,” he muttered as he stormed out of the classroom.

Lily made sure to move behind the nearby statue of Athena as he mad his way down the corridor, but as she was coming out to go back to the party Rachel was exiting the room as well, just in time to see Lily.

She sighed at the sight of Lily, wiping away the tears that were streaming down her face, “So I guess you know now.”

“I've known for a while,” Lily responded, all the while mentally slapping herself for not having been more hostile as she said those words. Rachel more than deserved a verbal lashing for what she had done.

“Figures.”

Lily scoffed, biting her lip in a desperate attempt to control her anger, “Honestly, I don't get it.”

“What don't you get Lily?” Rachel asked bitterly, rolling her eyes at how dense the girl could be at times. “It's not a very complicated concept. We were shagging behind your back, I don't know how many more ways I can reiterate that point for you.”

“But why would you do that to me Rachel?” she asked her in a tired tone; and she was, she was exhausted from the entire ordeal, she just wanted it all to be over already. “I thought we were mates, the best of.”

“We were never that close,” Rachel spat at her.

“How can you say that?”

“If we were you would have invited me to those sleepover parties.”

“They were Alice's, I couldn't invite you to someone else's party,” Lily defended.

“Fine, but you never invited me to go to France and Italy.”

“You had summer plans!”

“You could have invited me anyway. I'm always the one to put in any effort into our friendship, to call you over, to invite you to something!”

“That's not fair-”

“Don't lie to yourself Lily; I was always the back up friend for you. I was never at the level at which Elle and Alice were for you!” she paused, letting out an angry sigh before continuing, “we were never all that close Lily, don't try to delude yourself about that one as well.”

Lily stopped for a moment, taking in the information, before letting out a defeated sigh, “You're right. I may not have put in enough effort into our friendship and I probably could have tried harder, but that doesn't change anything.—I mean regardless of all that, how could you betray, my trust like that Rachel?! You knew that I loved him.”

Rachel tore her eyes away from Lily's, breaking eye contact with her for the first time, “If you think about it I was actually helping you,” she muttered.

“Don't give me that bullshit; why'd you do it?” Lily asked, raising her voice at her.

“I wanted too win for once,” she whispered, clearly embarrassed by her words if her blush was indication of the fact.

“What are you talking about?” Lily asked incredulously.

“I wanted to be better for once, I wanted to beat you,” eyesight pointed at the floor as she spat the words.

“Why the hell would you want to do that?!”

“You're Lily Evans, perfect girl-”

“I'm not perfect!”

Rachel, however, ignored her, “you're Head Girl, among the top in our class-”

“I worked hard for that!”

“It doesn't change the fact that you're so fucking perfect! You're even considered the most beautiful girl in our school and you're the most popular!”

“It's not like I asked for any of it,” Lily defended

“And that's the worst part! You don't even have to try for any of it; so sue me, I wanted to be the one to come out on top for once. I was jealous.”

“So what, you went after my boyfriend?”

“I didn't even have to,” Rachel shrugged with a smirk. “He was the one to initiate all of it; I wanted to win Lily, that doesn't include cheating.”

“I don't believe you.”

“Your mistake,” Rachel told her before turning to walk away.

“Was it easy?” Lily called after her.

“Was what easy?” Rachel asked, keeping her back to Lily rather than bothering to turn to face her.

“Betraying me like that. I mean, you gave me all of these horrendously pathetic excuses for why you did it, but you never told me the most important part: was it easy?”

“No, I'll admit that I felt guilty at first.” She turned to Lily, “but after a while, a month or so passed and I didn't really care any more. In fact, I liked it, I mean I had a bloke's total attention and I was basking in it, especially given that it was Benjy.”

“You didn't really have it though; I'm the girlfriend, not you. I'm the one that he cared about enough to be with in public.”

“Just like he cared enough to be faithful to you, right?”

Lily rolled her eyes, that was one thing she couldn't dispute, “I would never have done that to you.”

“Oh please, don't act so innocent. You were clearly shagging Potter behind Benjy's back.”

“I wasn't.”

“Well you were flirting with him.”

“Actually, it was more so the other way around.”

“Lily, we're both not that innocent, I may not know exactly what went on with you two, but I know that much.”

“So that's that? That's your way of rationalizing everything that's happened- what you did to me?”

“I guess so,” Rachel told her with a nonchalant shrug.

“So what are we—'frenemies?'” Lily asked with an incredulous scoff.

Rachel smirked, “I know how much you hate that term, but yeah, I suppose that that does sum us up best.”

Lily nodded, “you're a bitch, you know that?”

“Not one of my proudest attributes, I'll admit, but sometime you just don't give a fuck Lily.”

Lily just rolled her eyes; no matter what she did Rachel would never feel any guilt over it, there was nothing she could do to change that fact. “Don't tell Benjy that I know.”

“Like I'd give him a heads up, the bastard dumped me,” Rachel told her with a sneer before walking away.

“Rachel,” Lily called after her, her pride unable to let her do what she knew was the right thing, the nice thing. She couldn't just let her walk away without a scar while she had had to endure so many from the entire ordeal.

Rachel turned around to look at her, “What now Evans?”

“Whether you want to see it or not, I still won. He left you for me and James— James didn't even want you,” she told her before pushing past her and making her way to the party.

--

Stay illogical
bet you can't think
that we fell in love, no
so stay illogical
bet you can't think
that we fell in love, no

-“stay illogical” by Under the Influence of Giants

--

“Lily, what happened?” Elle asked her as soon as she approached the group who were playing a drinking game of some sort.

She paused in disbelief for a second, “Benjy actually broke it off with Rachel,” she admitted incredulously. She smiled brightly at her mate, “I can't believe it—I mean, the plan actually worked, we managed to pull it off—hey where's James? I wanted to tell him the great news.”

“Um, he's off getting us some more fire whiskey.”

“Well I'm going to go find him so I can tell him.”

Once Lily was no longer within hearing range Alice turned to Elle, “Why has nothing been going for me recently?”

“I don't know. What the hell do we do now? I mean, I never actually thought the wanker could show enough self-restraint to get it back in his pants at the very least.”

“Poor Prongs, finally falls for a girl and he doesn't even stand a chance,” Sirius noted with a slight grimace.

“Maybe we need a new plan,” Alice proposed.

“Because your last one worked out so well,” snorted Remus.

“Snorting is not very gentlemanly Remmy-Poo,” Alice retaliated with a glare.

“Being a gentleman's overrated anyway,” he shrugged.

“Well put Moony,” Sirius clapped him on the back in approval.

“Oi, I know that this is a very riveting conversation, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut it short as there are more important matter discuss!” Elle snapped.

“Clam down, we'll talk to her tomorrow,” Alice told her.

“How can you just write it off like that?”

“Because tonight's the party, we should enjoy it. If Lily hasn't realized by now that she shouldn't be with Benjy then we shouldn't waste our time trying to explain something that's obviously not going to get through to her anyway. Just have fun, don't worry, leave that for another day.”

“You're such a great mate,” Elle rolled her eyes.

“Look, there's John Townsend,” Alice pointed out an attractive Ravenclaw that was passing by.

“I'll see you three later; I have… a potions question that I'm just dying to know the answer to.”

“Knew that one would work,” Alice laughed.

Remus rolled his eyes, “You really are a horrible friend.”

“Well I don't see you two running off to console James,” she told him with a smirk.

“We'll wait until he comes to us,” Sirius told her with a resolute nod.

“No need to force it upon him,” Remus agreed.

“Of course, I'm sure that that's it. Anyway, I'm off to find Frank, I think I've given him more than enough male bonding time. It's time for my reward for being such a good and lenient girlfriend,” she told them with a grin before walking away.

--

It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen!
I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet!
It's Raining Men! Hallelujah!
It's Raining Men! Every Specimen!
Tall, blonde, dark and lean
Rough and tough and strong and mean

-“it's raining men” by the Weather Girls

--

“James!” Lily called out after him, trying to get his attention over the music, “Damn it, I lost him!”

“I'm right behind you smart one,” he whispered in her ear, holding her by the waist to steady her as she jumped up in surprise.

She turned to face him with a smile, “Hey you. So I have news, and I have to say, it's pretty damn amazing!”

“Let me guess, everyone is raving about your party, saying that it may even be the party of the year, may even beat out the graduation party. Am I right?”

“No—well yes.”

“Get on with it, I'm waiting.”

“So I followed Benjy and Rachel-”

James involuntarily stiffened at that statement. “Yeah, I remember,” he said slowly, almost cautiously.

“He dumped her James!” Lily told him with an excited squeal, biting her lip in a futile attempt to contain her excitement.

“Oh.”

“Say something! This is great-”

“Lils-”

“I know you don't like him, but come on, even you should be able to at least appreciate it to some extent. Our plan worked James we did-”

Lily, however, was interrupted by James grabbing her and kissing her. Before she could even recover from the shock of what had happened and decide what to do kiss him back or push him away, she was pulled from him by a furious Benjy.

“Lily, what the hell are you doing?!”

“Um—well—uh-”

“I think we should go somewhere quiet to talk,” he said with a jealous glare, trying to control his anger, a fact made obvious by his unusually clipped tone.

“Lily,” James grabbed her by the other arm, “don't go.”

“Um—I think—I think I have to,” Lily stuttered as she let Benjy lead her out of the room.

--

**Playlist alert**

I have, by some divine miracle, managed to complete the playlist for this fic and now have all the according links available on my profile (if there are any problems with it please feel free to inform me through a PM or review!)

The links to it are available on my profile page at fanfiction.net (http://www.fanfiction.net/~cosmopolitan), at the bottom of the page you will find the songs (organized according to chapters so that it's easier for you to find a song if you wanted a specific one)

p.s. feel free to contact me should any of these links be defective for one reason or another (never used this site so I'm praying hat it will work lol)

-->

19. Of Confusion

Chapter IXX: Of Confusion

--

Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

-“Kiss me” by Six Pence None the Richer

--

Sunday

--

Benjy yanked her arm, pulling her into an empty classroom, ironically enough, Lily noted that it was the exact same one in which he had dumped Rachel. “What the hall was that about Lily?”

“What are you talking about?” she asked, well aware of the fact that the whole ignorant act was rather pathetic and cowardly, but she was still trying to process everything that had happened. In reality, she didn't have an answer for him, she was just as confused as he was.

“Why the bloody hell was James Potter snogging you? I thought you said that there was nothing going on there Lily, you promised me!”

“I—I don't know,” she stumbled, obviously baffled.

“How the hell can you not know?”

“Can you stop yelling at me?! My head's starting to hurt and an annoyed Lily isn't going to be a very helpful one,” she snapped at him.

Benjy eyed her strangely, sighing as he took a seat on the desk opposite from where she was standing, “Lily, what's going on with you?”

“I don't know Benjy,” she answered honestly. She had never considered James as an option and the idea of factoring him into everything was just… weird.

“Lily... help me understand, I want to be there for you.”

She couldn't help, but be touched by how sincere he was when he said that. She didn't know what to say to him, especially given that her leading response to that question would be along the lines of “I would if I could, buddy.”

“There's nothing going on between us Benjy, we're just friends.”

He scoffed, “Friends don't kiss like that.”

She rolled her eyes tiredly, “What do you want me to say Benjy?”

“That the gossip's not true, that nothing's ever happened between you and Potter.”

I'd lie to that statement, I really would; even if I do love him I can be realistic about the fact that he did cheat on me and doesn't really deserve my total honesty. The problem, however, is in the fact that I suck at lying, he'd see right through it; sucks hat my only option is going for the silent approach, whatever he can make what he will of it.

He pushed off the desk and stood in front of her, grabbing hold of her hands, “Lily, talk to me, please. It isn't true, is it?”

She just stood there quietly, her eyes never leaving the floor. She didn't know what to say.

“Lily,” he said, lifting her chin with his index finger so that she was looking him straight in the eye. “I know I've never said this before, but I love you. I can't imagine a girl could make me any happier than you do, that a girl could be any more perfect for me than you are. I don't want to lose you; I gave you my heart so please don't break it, it really likes you,” he told her with a charming and sweet smile.

She raised her eyes to meet his and smiled back at him.

--

I don't wanna hurt you
I don't wanna make you sway
Like I know I've done before
I will not do it anymore

-“sway” by the Perishers

--

“Remus, where's James?” Lily asked him.

“Lily, where have you been—and did you really have to interrupt Veronica and me?” he asked, gesturing to the girl who he had been snogging until she had pulled him away from her.

“Oh, you can snog her any time, she's about as easy as they get—and I was with Benjy. Now where's James?

“He left early, didn't say why and given his mood then I wasn't about to ask; no matter how cowardly it may sound, I'm not really a fan of being hexed to tell you the truth, I bruise easily… But, if you need him, he's probably at the Heads' dorms, just be careful not to annoy him or something. Doubt it'd bode well for you love.”

“Thanks, you can go back to your little friend now,” she told him with a smirk before walking away.

--

It's four o'clock in the morning,
I can't take another second of this excuse for taste,
take a chance
stay the night
Oh why don't we take a taxi back to mine,
I'm sure that we'll find a way to pass the time,
take a chance
and stay the night

-“stay the night” by Ghosts

--

“There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you; thank God you told Remus you were leaving the party!” Lily ranted once she found James in the Heads' common room. It was only when she stopped her tirade that she noticed that he wasn't even paying any attention to her, instead, his full attention was on the fire. Waving a hand in front of his face, she asked: “Um James, what are you doing?”

“Thinking.”

“Monosyllabic… admittedly not my favorite type of response, but okay, I'll bite. About what?”

“You—me.”

“About that, James-”

“I'm trying to remember an instance where the bad guy got the girl.”

“James-” Lily tried to get his attention in another futile attempt.

“I'm hoping that it'll help me understand; I've been sitting here for an hour trying to rationalize your choice, dissect it all, it was very categorical of me actually. I just wanted to understand it—as you can see I haven't gotten very far with it,” he told her with a somewhat bitter laugh.

“James, please, just listen to me,” she pleaded.

“You know what Lily? No—no I won't listen to what you have to say anymore. It's about time that you just grow up, you love hearing yourself talk so much that you never even bother to listen to what everyone around you is telling you.”

“I shouldn't have to put up with all of this whiney bull shit all of the time,” he yelled at her. “Just grow up and get your head out of your arse, hear someone else for a change.”

“ You're too good for that wanker, Evans… hell, you're probably too good for me as well, but at least I respect you. At least I can see that I don't deserve you and how lucky I'd be if you took a chance with me.”

He paused as he let out an angry sigh, standing up so that he was in front of her, lifting her chin so that she'd look him in the eyes as he spoke to her. “Don't you get it? He won't cheat on you for now, but it's only a passing thing, the only he's interested in you again is because you're a challenge to him again. The second he starts to think that he's got you again, he'll lose all interest. He's just that type of a guy; hell he may even think that he really loves you, but none of that means that he won't cheat on you again!”

“James!”

“What?!” James roared at her, still angry from his rant.

“It's not what you think.”

--

Yeah, you got to live for your own
You say you got all the sordid details
Check-out retail
Watch it sell
I got to see that lie
You say what you're going to say
You got to know it's a bitter poison
Sapping all of your soul away

-“juicy” by Better than Ezra

--

Lily smiled at him, but as she looked at him she couldn't help, but pause. She looked at him, causing him to feel a bit nervous under her sudden, solemn, scrutinizing gaze.

“Lils- Lils, what's wrong?” he asked her worriedly.

“Benjy, have you ever had an epiphany?” she asked him, coming off as bewildered as Benjy was by her question.

He looked at her incredulously, “What are you talking about Lily?”

“Like a defining moment,” she elaborated.

He shook his head, obviously baffled, “I don't get it… what does that have to do with anything?”

“I think I just had one,” she said, her voice totally mystified.

“Okay… and what does that have to do with anything?”

She let out a sigh, biting her lip slightly because of her nerves, before finally speaking, “What you said—it was beautiful, everything that I've ever wanted to hear from you and more. The thing is though, there you are, coming down to kiss me, the perfect ending to your perfect speech and yet… instead of feeling all lovey-dovey and the rest of that romance novel shit, I—I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time. Does that make any sense at all?” she asked, more to herself than him.

“Lily what the hell's going on?”

She ignored his question, instead opting to continue rambling on, praying that if she just kept on talking she'd come to some sort of a realization as to what the hell it was that she was feeling. “I feel like I finally see you… for the first time.”

“Lily, we've been together for so long, kind of illogical for you to say that you never noticed me,” he commented with a small smile, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

She let out an exasperated sigh, “I'm noticing how overly gelled your hair is, that you probably spend an hour trying to make it look careless, reckless, just out of bed perfection.—Your clothes, they're chosen with so much care and finesse. And you do this all in attempt to look like you didn't put any time into it… it's all just so fake.”

Benjy steeped back slightly, obviously offended by her statement.

“You try so hard, but it's not really you, is it? It's all just a façade, a farce… God Benjy, were your `feelings' for me as calculated and perfectly planned out as everything else in your life?” she asked him, exasperated as she desperately tried to keep her tears at bay.

“Lily, no; never—I'd never lie to you,” he told her as he leaned his head in to kiss her.

She turned her head from him for the first time.

“I wanted it all so much Benjy… looking back at it now, I was rather pathetic. But none of that mattered to me; I just—I really hoped that you'd finally see that I loved you… that I was the one for you. I wanted… needed you to love me as much as I did you. I tried—did everything- anything that I could think of to make you see it, but-” she let out a frustrated sigh as she angrily ran a hand through her hair.

“The irony of it all is that now I don't even want you,” she admitted. “I can finally see what an idiot I was for ever having needed you so much. I was so insecure—so bloody, embarrassingly weak that I actually thought that you were the best I could get. I was so blinded, so emotionally paralyzed that I didn't see that in reality… I'm the one that's too good for you. I deserve so much more than a cheating boyfriend, much less so one that'd shag one of my best mates.”

Benjy, obviously surprised by that statement, didn't waste any time in trying to defend himself, “Lily about that- it was an accident-”

“Stop… just stop. For once, Benjy, don't lie to me; I deserve at least that much from you.”

He slowly nodded in consent, albeit reluctantly.

“You know, I decided a few days ago that I'd confront you about it—all of it, the thing with Rachel, James and me, everything. When I did, I always figured that I'd really bitch at you for it, for hours on end, and then I'd make you got to hell and back so that I'd take you back, so that you'd finally deserve me,” she admitted to him.

Pausing she took a deep breath as she gathered her thoughts however much she could as everything was rather muddled up at the moment. “I had it all planned out in my head, every detail, not a single thing was left unrehearsed. I was ready… But the funny thing is, now that I'm standing here in front of you, finally confronting you about it, just like I'd planned, and I realize that I can't go through with it like that. You're just not worth the effort.”

His eyes widened, “Lily-”

“Don't Benjy, just stop.”

“But Lily, I ended it, I changed, I promise. I love you, I need you. Make me worthy of you because that's all I want to be,” he pleaded, trying to pull her into his arms, but she remained resilient and stoical.

“Don't, sometimes you just have to let it go—you said so yourself to Rachel when, same thing applies here. I mean, you and I both know that you can't change a person… I learned that one the hard way,” she told him, forcing a weak smile.

“But I want to change for you Lils, I really do!”

“Come on, you and I both know that you won't. Don't be so adamant about this only to disappoint me again, have some semblance of respect for me for once,” she begged him.

“I'm not lying, this time's different, I promise!”

“How many promises have you made to me that were lies?” she challenged him, cocking an eyebrow at him.

He shifted slightly in response to that question.

She laughed, albeit a bit bitterly, “Well at least you're not lying to me this time, instead you went for the cowardly route.”

“Lily, all I want is to make things right between us… like they used to be.”

“That's the whole point of all of this Benjy,” she groaned, throwing her hands up in vexation. “It was fake, all of it, and I'm not putting up with that anymore!”

“It wasn't, I love you, how can you just forget that like this?” he asked her, taking a chance by taking a step towards her, trying to wrap his arms around her.

She pushed him back, “Stop it, just stop lying like this, to yourself and me… it hurts more than any of that shit that you put me through with Rachel,” she told him angrily as she wiped away the tears that slowly made their way down her face.

“But what if I really do mean it Lily, what then?”

She shook her head at him sadly, disappointedly, “You're a liar; I may not be the most observant person, but even I can see that one.”

“Lily, wait—where are you going?!”

--

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
The very next day you gave it away
This year to save me the tears
I'll give it to someone special.

-“last Christmas” by jimmy eat world

--

“I didn't take him back James,” she told him with a small smile, shyly biting her lip. “And, I don't know, when I walked away… I felt like, you know, I finally had some power in the relationship. I feel like such a bitch for thinking it, but as twisted and wrong as it may sound, I—it felt good to break him the way he did me. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the truth.”

“So it was to get back at him then?” he asked her sadly.

“I told you I'm a bitch sometimes,” she smiled weakly.

He nodded slightly, obviously forcing a smile onto his face purely for her sake, “Well I'm glad you were able to move on from him.”

She cocked her head to the side, slightly confused, “And?”

“And what?” he asked her, absolutely bewildered.

“Anything else you'd like to say?”

“Like what?”

“I don't know, a cheer about my unbelievable strength, go on about how bloody amazing I am. You know, the usual.”

“You're amazing Evans,” he told her with a smile, even though it was said rather monotonously.

“Not particularly creative, but it'll have to do, especially given that I should probably start getting used to poor compliments like that.”

He straightened at those words, shock obvious on his face, “What do you mean?”

“What I just said,” she teased him.

He eyed her suspiciously, before he smirked, “So does that mean I win?”

She shook her head, “Nope.”

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, “Then what does it mean?”

“It means that you better not cheat on me because I fully intend to learn some hexes so I can crucify your little pecker if you ever do,” she smirked at him before grabbing him by the collar and pulling him down to kiss her.

When they finally pulled apart he laid his forehead to rest on hers, “I'll have you know that there's nothing little about James Jr.—but on the other had, domineering women can be kind of hot.”

“Glad you think so; now less talk, more action. I'd hate to see that you can't live up to those rumors about you…”

Fin.

-->

20. happy listening

Many of you have expressed a desire in having the music from this fic available so I've made that possible through this:

Happy Listening!

chap. 1
chap. 2
chap. 3
chap. 4
chap. 5
chap. 6
chap. 7
chap. 8
chap. 9
chap. 10
chap. 11
chap. 12
chap. 13
chap. 14
chap. 15
chap. 16
chap. 17
chap. 18
chap. 19
extra

**Please tell me if you encounter any problems, I tried to go through all of the links to check if they work properly, but it's possible that I missed something**

-->

21. a final note

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone that reviewed, your comments really helped me with the direction of the fic and, as I've said before to many of you, they mean the world to me. So thank you:

All of the anonymous reviewers, MiajanE, tipscows, littledufffan, Padfoot's_Heart, Katy, Angel 737, Cas121689, MissLexi, Sailor Universe, Lovely.Beat.For.Life, dysfunctionalspirit, Harry85, Serenity47, RupertsGirl112289, piper_09, Elisabeth, marrymaria, dogma_man926, Weasley!Red, midnight ink, paddy_prongsie, rika, starymelody, Kat, blondie_singer, wonderjoe, Miss France, Lily Grace, shadowclaw, CathyD, HisInnocentDarkAngel, Bria, i found nemo, MaDeLaiNe, bubblybubble, janiley, Chikita060, bklyangel, dakota, tastethekiss, jane, akt5us, tooaddicted2tv, husker_fan_2006, Konflickted, Kipa, SoccaG, Lacey, Radical, SapphireGoddess739

Also a big thank you to my beta i found nemo

-->

22. Redux anyone?

CRUCIAL NOTE:

Hello again, looking back at this story I can't help, but be terribly disappointed with it so I am currently considering doing a redux of this story. It would be a total rewrite where I will not only redo every chapter, but the only thing that will remain the same is the plot. I plan to take out scenes, write new ones, and change old ones—the works. However, before I do this, I need to know whether people would even be interested in it, so I have posted a poll on my personal site where people can vote on this.

Link to the poll: www.cosmopolitan411.webs.com

-->