I Shall Believe

Kipa

Rating: G
Genres: Romance
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 7
Published: 05/10/2007
Last Updated: 05/10/2007
Status: completed

They long to be together. To believe that everything will be okay. But how can they, when everything around them is breaking?

Chapters

1. I Shall Believe

1. I Shall Believe

I Shall Believe

Come to me now,

Lay your hands over me,
Even if it's a lie,
Say it will be alright,
And I shall believe.- Sheryl Crow

It was another Wednesday night at Hogwarts, and they were both sitting in front of the fire in the Common Room, not looking at each other. It was a cold night, and they needed the heat of the fire to stay warm. They were the only ones left. Ever so often, they would share a touch, to assure themselves they were not alone. It was irrational, but they didn't care.

The past few months had been like hell. All the past events had made it impossible for them to sleep any more. The attacks kept happening. No one bolted those days when a student was seen crying, looking at the floor, his or her mind far away. They were too used to it or too caught up in their own grief to care. It was a depressing thought, but reality nonetheless. They had gotten used to expecting sad news, which came via owl at any time, unannounced.

However, that Wednesday one of their close friends had received one of these letters. They had both been trying to keep the spirits of the school high, but this time, it affected them more directly than before, than ever, and they didn't know how to cope. Sure, they had seemed strong when they were comforting her, assuring her everything would be okay and that those dirty bastards would pay. In spite of it, at night, all their fear replaced their pretence courage.

They were both unconsciously thinking about the same matter: their future. Now, more than ever, it seemed as if it would not last too long. They were terrified by this idea. After all, they were only seventeen, and loved life more than anything in the world.

They were the Head Girl and Boy of Hogwarts, the best and most famous school of magic in the whole of Britain. Their duty was to keep their façade serene, to make sure that the younger ones still maintained some of their innocence and hope, and from the outside, they were doing a great job. But inside, they were just two kids who's nightmares were packed of men with sharp hoods, the colour of night, hiding their identities, cursing everyone who provoked them, with no sign of regret or remorse. In fact, you could almost imagine a smile cross their faces when another victim fell to the floor. These men followed the most terrifying of them all: he called himself Lord Voldemort. Most people at Hogwarts, even the bold Griffindors, didn't dare use his name, and instead used other ways of talking about his lasts deeds, murmuring and closing their mouth everytime anyone came too near to hear.

The once full of noise and clattered corridors were altered to a much more depressing sight: students walked fastly in groups, whispering and looking fearfully at everyone, switching their glances every second, to make sure no one was looking. They didn't dare trust their closest friends, panicking that they were in the Dark Lord's side.

“It's not enough.” James suddenly got out of his stupor to state this.

“It's never enough James.” Lily replied confused.

“You don't understand. I'm terrified.” He continued.

“I know.” She said now comprehensively. “We all are.”

“It's not the same!” he lost it, frustrated. Lily looked at him quizzically, not daring to talk in case he would snap at her again, and placing a hand on top of his to make him go ahead. He looked at their hands locked together and sighed.

“I'm sorry. But I don't know how to tell you this.”

“Try.” She insisted, genuinely curious.

“It just seems that every second that passes, is just another second lost. My life is going to end soon.” When she saw Lily's eyes shifting, he let go of her hand and caressed her porcelain skin, enjoying the delicate feel of her skin on his rough hands. “It's just a matter of time. When I get out of here, I'm going to join the Order, but you already know that. I can't just stay and watch as my friends, my family, get killed. I get immensely disheartened when I think about all the time I'm losing, especially with you.” At this remark, Lily shot her head up and looked at him in the eye, disoriented. He smiled reassuringly and kept on stroking every inch of her face, wanting to keep each small detail in his memory.

“Can't you see it Lily? You finally gave up and this year you said we'd be friends. And we are. Great friends I'd dare say. But it's always been more. It will always be more. It will never be enough. For me at least.” Lily bit her lip, knowing where he was getting. “You know that friends don't act like we do around each other. We are more like a couple than like friends, we just are to proud or to scared to admit it. I don't know. But Lily, I'm tired of not living my life. And now, more than ever, we don't have time to waste. So Lily, what I'm trying to say pathetically, I admit, is that I care about you, and that I want us to be together.”

James looked at Lily hopeful. It had taken him some time to concede the idea of letting her know. They had both been through so much, and he wanted to be the one cradling her when she cried, as well as the one who made her laugh when it seemed impossible to find a happy thought. But he wasn't ready for her reply:

“We can't.” she said simply.

“Why in the world not? If it's because you don't feel the same way then okay, I understand. But it's not that. It can't be that. I know you want me just as much as I want you.”

“I do. I do want you.” Lily said matter-of-factly. “But I can't, I won't do it.”

“You are such a coward! I can't believe you're walking away from us.” He was incredibly angry now. He had stood up. She had tried to hold on to him, but he would not let her. Not until he knew why.

“It's not that, James. It's much more complicated than that.” She said, sadly. A tear dropping through her thick lashes, travelling slowly down her cheek and then her neck, finally disappearing down her pyjamas.

“Well then enlighten me!” he shouted furiously.

“Please calm down James. You are going to wake up everyone.” She tried to persuade him.

“Do you really think I care right now if I wake McGonagall? Because I don't! I don't care one sodding bit!” the rage he felt was taking over him. Too much had happened already. He wanted something to get him out of bed in the morning and maintain him in one piece. He thought that Lily would bring him that: safety, happiness, love. Something he longed for and had not managed in a while. He could swear he loved the girl. Maybe not in fifth or sixth year, when he was yet too immature, and didn't know her enough. But now, now he was truly sure he loved her with all his heart. They had been through so much together. He had seen her at her best and at her worst, and even then, all he wanted to do was hold her in his arms and tell her everything would be okay.

“Of course you do James. Think about everyone that has lost someone these months. Now they are sleeping. At night, it's the only time that they get to not think about their hopelessness. I know you are not selfish, and would feel incredibly regretful if a First Year appeared now, crying.” She defended. The truth was that he knew she was right, and that just made it worse. He sunk again in the sofa he had been occupying earlier on, beside her, defeated.

“Please James, try to understand me. I am falling in love with you. Being with you would make the process complete. Yes, we'd have a good time for a while. But Hogwarts will end in a few months, and if you think this is horrible, wait till we get to the outside world. You are right. It's taken me a long time to see that. I just realised it today, when you mentioned it. We are all going to die, sooner than later. We are in constant danger.

Don't you see that I could loose you easily? I can't afford to care. Yes, I'm a coward. I don't fear for my life. I'll die fighting this cold war. But I will not loose you. If I did…I don't know. I wouldn't be able to take care of my heart and mend it.” After this, she turned to look at him, flushed by finally admitting what had been haunting her this whole time. She faced a concerned James, and instantly knew she was right.

Yes, she would suffer even if they just stayed friends. She would still care. But if they allowed their feelings to grow, which she was sure would happened, and he died…

“Now I can see why you think we can't be together.” He said, finally calmed. She looked at him, searching the meaning of those words in is eyes, finding warmth. “But I think it's my turn to tell you why we should.

True, it might hurt us more. But would you be able to live thinking about what could've been but never was? Could you wake up in the morning alone, thinking: at least he's still alive? Yes, there is the possibility that we both die. But there is also the one that we don't. And true, it's a very small one. But there it is. And until that possibility exists and I think we can form a family together and be happy, I'm going to fight for you. I won't stop until I convince you that Lily, we are meant to be together. At least for a while. I feel it in the pit of my heart. I can't assure you that I will love you forever. But only God knows what I would be without you.

Lily, I truly believe in us.”

Hearing this confession, Lily questioned her theory, wanting to be with him but afraid of their future. Neither of them doubted that if she accepted him, they would be together forever, but how long was forever? Was it enough? A look at James made her realise it wasn't; forever would always be too short. But she would take the now, the present as long as it was with him.

“If you believe James, then I shall too.”

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