Six Words

But I don’t think you’re ugly.

That’s what you said to me.I remember my reaction exactly.

I laughed in your face.

But if you had seen me that night, you would have been shocked.I danced up the stairs and spoke civilly to Lavender and Parvarti, who had been more giggly than usual.Later that night, I grinned into my pillow.

I wasn’t ugly…not to you.

Viktor had told me that I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.I was elated when I read his letter, but his words were trivial compared to yours.His were prompted by my decision to not come to Bulgaria.Yours were unscripted.

It made all the difference.

From that point on, I cared for you much deeper than I ever had for Viktor, Ron, or any other boy I had met.It was difficult to understand and even harder to fathom why I was so jealous of Cho.I can’t say I wasn’t secretly thrilled when you and Cho broke up.There was hope for me now.

There was a hope for me and you.

Before the start of sixth year term, I asked Mum when she knew she loved Dad.She answered, “When I couldn’t see the rest of my life without him.”She refused to further elaborate on the subject.“It’s something you have to discover for yourself.”

Needless to say, I was frustrated.This was not the answer I was searching for.I left a few weeks later with more questions than answers and it didn’t help that Ron started to snog Lavender at every turn or that you had the Prince’s book and no longer needed me.I was alone again.

Then you found Ginny and everything went to hell.

I’ll admit that I was mildly happy for you the first day.The feeling wore off quickly.Her laugh, how she covered your hand with hers, or how her head seemed made to fit your shoulder irritated me.I wanted to plug my ears once she got started on your afternoons by the lake.Your goofy grin bothered me.Couldn’t you talk to Ron about things like that?

Once you hit Malfoy with Sectumsempra, I knew she was wrong for you.Perhaps I had been mistaken in pushing her towards you.You needed someone who would tell you when you were wrong and it was obvious that she wasn’t going to do that. The first of many traitorous thoughts sprang that night as I thought about it in bed.You needed someone like me.

I wouldn’t say anything to ruin your relationship.You were happy and no amount of jealousy or loneliness was going to make me speak against you and Ginny.

The night you and Dumbledore went to destroy the “locket”, I worried for you.Something seemed wrong, the whole night off-kilter. Once the Death Eaters attacked the school, I felt as if I was in the middle of a dream.Our sanctuary had been breached and it was up to me, an untrained, bookish fighter, to keep a group of fellow students alive.I searched for you as we ran through the hallways blasting anything that moved.I needed you there with me to help when I couldn’t think of a way.I needed you to keep me strong.

You’ll never know the joy I felt when you walked into the hospital wing later that night.I don’t remember Ginny moving aside to let me hug you or anything you may have said to the Weasleys.You were safe and in my arms. You had come back to me.What else could I think of?

The fleeting thought of Mum’s words was forgotten at the news of Dumbledore’s death.He was supposed to be invincible.He was invincible like you.

For weeks, I struggled to understand.Anyone could be next now.All I could I feel was an overwhelming crushing feeling at the thought of your death.No one could take your place.You were mine.

Then I knew.

Somewhere along the line, I had fallen in love with you.I couldn’t place when or where, for I was already in the middle before I even knew I began.You had always been my standard of comparison (“Oh, he wouldn’t do a thing like that” or “I wonder if he would like this book as much as I do”) and the model for the husband of my dreams.

Now I had a predicament.It was simply too dangerous to love you. We had the threat of death hanging over our heads and the Horcrux quest.I couldn’t love you.

And you didn’t love me.

The following year was hard on us all.Ron left and came back, people died on all died sides, and life in the tent wasn’t exactly stress-free.But we got through it as we always did.The war ended and were all rewarded with peace.

I wanted more though.I wanted a peace with you.

Many failed relationships with messy breakups followed for the both of us.I tried to forget how you made me feel and you tried to run away from the fame and glory that came with your newest title, The Man Who Conquered.Ron and I were left confused on how you would push us away.I never told him that you would show up at my door late at night to talk.

“You’re the only one that really listens anymore,” you’d say.

It was after my break-up with Calvin that you came to talk.You did everything you could to make me feel better, but it didn’t do any good.

I whispered, “Maybe I’m just ugly.”

To which you replied with that lopsided grin of yours, “But I don’t think you’re ugly.”I blushed and you continued, “You’re gorgeous.”

You blushed as well and left so abruptly that I didn’t have a chance to respond.I stayed on the couch all night, thinking.You couldn’t feel the same way.The brainy sidekick never got the hero.

The next night, you came again.We talked like nothing had ever happened until three in the morning.You looked at me and asked, “What would you say if I told you that I loved you?”

My thoughts swam in my head.What could I say without sounding like a fool?

“I’d ask how you came to that conclusion.”

“And I’d answer that I’ve known since the end of the War and that I should have said something sooner.I’d also say that I’m tired of being a bloody idiot and watching you be with someone else than me.Furthermore, I’d promise that I’ll never let you feel ugly again.”

My only response was to throw my arms around your neck and gasp, “Oh, Harry!”

In our two years together, you’ve kept your promise.

Thank you.

Love,

Hermione

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Credit for the line “I was in the middle before I knew I began” goes to a much better writer than I, Jane Austen.